500 of the Best Cockney War Stories

About this eBook

Author

Various

Credits

Produced by Brian Coe, Moti Ben-Ari and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at www.pgdp.net (This book was created from images of public domain material made available by the University of Toronto Libraries ( link.library.utoronto.ca/booksonline/).)

Language

English

LoC Class

D501: History: General and Eastern Hemisphere: World War I (1914-1918)

Subject

World War, 1914-1918 -- Anecdotes

Category

Text

eBook-No.

44263

Project Gutenberg

https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/44263

Release Date

November 23, 2013

Copyright

Public domain in the USA.

Contents

1. 1.500 OF THE BEST COCKNEY WAR STORIES
2. 2.EDITOR'S FOREWORD
3. 3.CONTENTS
4. 4.SIR IAN HAMILTON'S STORY
5. 5.1. ACTION — The Outside Fare — "Barbed Wire's Dangerous!" — Tale of an Egg — "No Earfkwikes" — A "Bow Bells" Heroine — Samson, but Shorn — "What's Bred in the Bone——!" — A Very Human Concertina — A One-Man Army — "Nah, Mate! Soufend!" — "I Got 'Ole Nelson Beat!" — Two Kinds of Fatalist — Double up, Beauty Chorus! — The Theatre of War — "It's the Skivvy's 'Arf Day Orf" — Cricket on the Somme — M'Lord, of Hoxton — The Tall Man's War — Germany Didn't Know This — Better than the Crystal Palace — A Short Week-end — Simultaneous Chess — Fire-step Philosophy — "Teddie" Gets the Last Word — "Nobbler's" Grouse — Dust in 'Indenburg's Sauerkraut! — A Valiant Son of London — A Hint to the Brigadier — "Salvage? Yus, Me!" — Almost Self-inflicted — Nobby's 1,000 to 1 Chance — That Derby Scheme — "Shoo-Shoo-Shooting" — Ancient Britons?—No! — Desert Island—Near Bullecourt — "Tiger's" Little Trick — Raffle Draw To-night! — Exit the General's Dessert — "Try on this Coat, Sir" — On the Kaiser's Birthday — "Chuck us yer Name Plate!" — To Hold His Hand — The New Landlord — "Out of Bounds" in the Line — Epic of the Whistling Nine — Tale of a Cook and a "Crump" — "—— Returns the Penny" — "In Time for the Workman's?" — A Lovely Record — Logic in No Man's Land — Fousands ... and Millions — Lost: A Front Line — "If Our Typist Could See Me Nah" — Q! Q! Queue! — "Fine 'eads er Salery!" — The Old Soldier Falls — Not Meant For Him — An Extra Fast Bowler — "I'll Call a Taxi, Sir" — Attack in "Birthday Clothes" — His Good-bye to the Q.M. — From Bow and Harrow — Piccadilly in the Front Line — "Wag's" Exhortation — Making a King of Him — "Peace? Not wiv you 'ere!" — An Expert on Shells — A Camel "on the Waggon" — Parting Presents — Bluebottles and Wopses — The Cheerful "Card" — Great Stuff This Shrapnel — Wot a War! — The Umpire — "Don't Tell 'Aig" — "... In Love and War" — "Afraid of Yer Own Shells" — The Leader of the Blind — Pity the Poor Ducks — Waiting Room Only — Not Yet Blasé — Paid with a Mills — The Guns' Obligato — In the Garden of Eden — Santa Claus in a Hurry — What Paderewski was Missing — A Target, but No Offers — Their own Lord Mayor's Show — Pill-Box Crown and Anchor — "C.O.'s Paid 'is Phone Bill" — The "Garden Party Crasher" — Those Big Wasps — Why he Looked for Help — The Winkle Shell — Forgot his Dancing Pumps — Lift Out of Order — Change at Wapping — "The Canary's Flowed Away!" — "Go it, Applegarf! I'll time yer!" — That Other Sort of Rain — Better Job for Him — Sentry's Sudden Relief — The World Kept Turnin' — That Blinkin' "Money-box" — "Oo, You Naughty Boy!" — Cool as a Cucumber — The Sergeant's Tears — "But yer carn't 'elp Laughin'" — "Only an Orphan" — Joking at the Last — Everybody's War — Orders is Orders — Leaving the Picture — Ginger's Gun Stopped — A Careless Fellow — Standing Up to the Turk — Lodging with the Bombs — In Fine Feather — All the Fun of the Fair — Teacup in a Storm — Jack's Unwelcome Present — Goalie Lets One Through — A Good Samaritan Foiled — Proof of Marksmanship — "Well, He Ain't Done In, See!" — "Baby's Fell Aht er Bed!" — Stamp Edging Wanted — "Oo's 'It—You or Me?" — The Stocking Bomb — Not an Acrobat — Story Without an Ending — Cause and Effect — The Cockney and the Cop — In the Drorin' Room — Getting His Goat — Jennie the Flier — A Mission Fulfilled — He Saved the Tea — Old Dutch Unlucky — A Long Streak of Misery — "Smudger's" Tattoo — Importance of a "Miss" — "In the Midst of War——" — A Case for the Ordnance — Dismal Jimmy's Prisoner — That Creepy Feeling — "Toot-Sweet," the Runner — Applying the Moral — Spelling v. Shelling — "Ducks and Drakes! Ducks and Drakes!" — You Must have Discipline — L.B.W. in Mespot — Trench-er Work — "The Best Man—Goes Fust" — When Clemenceau Kissed the Sergeant — Poet and—Prophet — Pub that Opened Punctually — That Precious Tiny Tot — Cigs and Cough Drops — "Smiler" to the End — "The Bishop" and the Bright Side — "Chuck yer Blinkin' 'Aggis at 'im!" — Back to Childhood — The Altruist — "Minnie's Stepped on my Toe!" — In the Dim Dawn — Beau Brummell's Puttees — Plenty of Room on Top — Nearly Lost His Washing-Bowl — Bath Night — Back to the Shack — His Last Gamble — That Infernal Drip-Drip-Drip! — "A Blinkin' Vanity Box" — Playing at Statues — Bo Peep—1915 Version — Jerry's Dip in the Fat — Carried Unanimously — A Very Hot Bath — In Lieu of —— — Putting the Hatt on It — Tangible Evidence — What the Cornwalls' Motto Meant — Atlas—On the Somme — Putting the Lid on It — Taffy was a—German! — A Tea-time Story — A Tip to a Prisoner — Cockney Logic — "Penalty, Ref!" — An Appointment with his Medical Adviser — One Up, and Two to Go — On the Parados — Not Croquet — Sausages and Mashed — Cheery to the End — Souvenirs First — Seven Shies a Tanner! — Bill Hawkins Fights Them All — Hide and Seek with Jerry — Too Much for his Imagination — "Currants" for Bunn — The Driver to his Horse — Two Kinds of "Shorts" — Mespot—On 99 Years' Lease — "Fro Something at Them!" — Missed his Mouth-organ — Water-cooled — Top-hatted Piper of Mons — Two Heads and a Bullet — Spoiling the Story — Afraid of Dogs — The Song of Battle — Stalls at "Richthofen's Circus" — "Butter-Fingers!" — Getting into Hot Water
6. 6.2. LULL — Rate of Exchange—on Berlin — A Hen Coup — A "Baa-Lamb" in the Trenches — He Coloured — Why the Fat Man Laughed — He Met Shackleton! — Domestic Scene: Scene, Béthune — Getting Their Bearings — High Tea — Lots in a Name — Gunga Din the Second — A Fag fer an 'Orse — Put to Graze — Smith's Feather Pillow — Bombs and Arithmetic — Help from Hindenburg — Raised his Voice—And the Dust — Mademoiselle from—Palestine — "Ally Toot Sweet" — Luckier than the Prince — A Jerry he Couldn't Kill — "Q" for Quinine — Blinkin' Descendant of Nebuchadnezzar — Well-Cut Tailoring — Evacuating "Darby and Joan" — "Why ain't the Band Playing?" — His Deduction — Peter in the Pool — Where "Movie" Shows Cost Soap — Sherlock Holmes in the Desert — The Army "Loops the Loop" — Repartee on the Ridge — A New Kind of "Missing" — And it Started with a Hen Raid! — "I'm a Water-Lily" — Not Knowin' the Language — Churning in the Skies — Larnin' the Mule — "Dr. Livingstone, I Presoom" — The Veteran Scored — Old Moore Was Right — He Wouldn't Insult the Mule — "Don't Touch 'em, Sonny!" — "Ze English—Zey are all Mad!" — Mixed History — Got His Goat! — A Difficult Top Note — Home by Underground — A Job for Samson — Jerry Wins a Bet — Lucky he was Born British — You Never Can Tell — The Window Gazer — "I Don't Fink" — Why the Attack Must Fail — The "Shovers" — Rehearsal—Without the Villain — Poetry Before the Push — 'Erb's Consolation Prize — Rum for Sore Feet — Two Guineas' Worth — The Four-footed Spy — Not Every Dog has his Night — The Brigadier's Glass Eye — The Chaplain-General's Story — A Thirst Worth Saving — Points of View — Not the British Museum — Jerry Would Not Smile — "Birdie" Had to Smile — Their Very Own Secret — Window Cleaners Coming! — First Blow — M.M. (Mounted Marine) — His German 'Arp — Jack went a-Riding — Bitter Memories — Tommy "Surrounded" Them — Shell-holes and Southend — "Make Me a Good 'Orse" — The Lost Gumboot — "Compree 'Sloshy'?" — Looking-Glass Luck — Mine that was His — "Geography" Hour — To the General, About the Colonel — Bow Bells—1917 Style — "The Awfentic Gramerphone!" — The Muffin Man — The Holiday Resort — The "Tich" Touch — Smart Men All — "You'd Pay a Tanner at the Zoo!" — Smoking Without Cigarettes — An Expensive Light — Modern Conveniences — The Trench Fleet — The Necessary Stimulant — A Traffic Problem — Scots, Read This! — Met His Match — Why Jerry was "Clinked" — Stick-in-the-Mud — "If That can stick it, I can!" — Wheeling a Mule — Three Brace of Braces — "Bow Bells" Warning — "'Ave a Sniff" — The Dirt Track — Babylon and Bully — Twice Nightly — In Shining Armour — "A Blinkin' Paper-Chase?" — Biscuits—Another Point of View — His Bird Bath — Ducking 'em—-then Nursing 'em — Salonika Rhapsody — A Ticklin' Tiddler — Biscuits and Geometry — All that was Wrong with the War — Not a Single Cockney — Sanger's Circus on the Marne! — "Contemptible" Stuff — A Cockney on Horseback—-Just — A Too Sociable Horse — General Salute! — Wipers-on-Sea — He Rescued His Shirt — A Smile from the Prince — "Just to Make Us Laugh" — No Use Arguing with a Mule — Kissing Time — "Playin' Soldiers" — Per Carrier — "Enemy" in the Wire — Straight from the Heart — Smile! Smile! SMILE!! — War's Lost Charm — Taking It Lying Down — The First Twenty Years — Shell as a Hammer — Sore Feet — My Sword Dance—by the C.O. — A Big Bone in the Soup — "I Shall have to Change Yer!" — Scots Reveille — In the Negative — "An' That's All that 'Appened" — Watching them "Fly Past" — High Necks and Low — Too Light—by One Rissole — Psyche—"at the Barf!" — A Juggler's Struggles — Almost a Wireless Story — When the S.M. Got Loose — Mons, 1914—Not Moscow, 1812! — The S.M. knew "Mulese" — Lost: One Star — Simpler than Sounding It — Under the Cart — The Lion Laughed up his Sleeve — The Carman's Sarcasm — Burying a Lorry — Striking a Bargain — Bugling in 'Indoostanee — "For 'eaven's sake, stop sniffin'!" — Babes in the Salonika Wood — Bringing it Home to Him — After the Feast — Wait for the "Two Pennies, Please" — The General Goes Skating — "To Top Things Up" — Luck in the Family — "I'm Drownded" — Not a New World's Wonder — Lads of the Village — Before 1914, When Men Worked — Their Fatigue — Teaching Bulgars the Three-card Trick
7. 7.3. HOSPITAL — "Tich" Meets the King — Putting the Lid on It — Riddled in the Sands — Season! — Where's the Milk and Honey? — "Lunnon" — Sparing the M.O. — "Robbery with Violence" — Seven His Lucky Number — Blind Man's Buff — Self-Supporting — In the Butterfly Division — An Unfair Leg-Pull — He Saw It Through — As Good as the Pictures — Room for the Comforter — "War Worn and Tonsillitis" — "... Fort I was in 'Ell" — Pity the Poor Fly! — Temperature by the Inch — "'Arf Price at the Pickshers!" — Twenty-four Stitches in Time — His Second Thoughts — Hats Off to Private Tanner — The Markis o' Granby — A One-Legged Turn
8. 8.4. HIGH SEAS — The Skipper's Cigar — Breaking the Spell — A V.C.'s Story of Friendship — The Stoker Sums it Up — Channel Swimming his Next Job — It Was a Collapsible Boat — Luck in Odd Numbers — "Your Barf, Sir!" — "Mind My Coat" — "Wot's the Game—Musical Chairs?" — A Voice in the Dark — Why the Stoker Washed — Accounts Rendered — An Ocean Greyhound — Margate In Mespot. — Urgent and Personal! — Victoria! (Very Cross) — He Saw the Force of It — New Skin—Brand New! — A Zeebrugge Memory — Another Perch in the Roost — Uncomfortable Cargo — Good Old "Vernon" — Any Time's Kissing Time! — The Fag End — "Spotty" the Jonah — He Just Caught the Bus! — Dinner before Mines! — A Philosopher at Sea — Extra Heavyweight — Three Varieties — He was a Bigger Fish — The "Arethusa" Touch — His Chance to Dive — Wot Abaht Wot? — Water on the Watch — A Gallant Tar — A Cap for Jerry — Give 'im 'is Trumpet Back — Getting the Range — Coco-nut Shies — "Any more for the 'Skylark'?" — Still High and Dry — Trunkey Turk's Sarcasm — Running Down the Market — Five to One against the "Tinfish" — A Queer Porpoise — "Hoctopus" with One Arm — Interrupted Duel — Enter Dr. Crippen — The All-seeing Eye — The Submarine's Gamps — Polishing up his German
9. 9.5. HERE AND THERE — Answered — A Prisoner has the Last Laugh — Not Yet Introduced — On the Art of Conversation — Down Hornsey Way — "... Wouldn't Come Off" — When In Greece...? — The Chef Drops a Brick — His "Read" Letter Day — Dan, the Dandy Detective — The Apology — Too Scraggy — So Why Worry? — Commended by the Kaiser — Only Fog Signals — An American's Hustle — Truth about Parachutes — The Linguist — Billiards isn't all Cannons — Run?—Not Likely — At "The Bow Bells" Concert — A Bomb and a Pillow — Athletics in the Khyber Pass — Jack and his Jack Johnsons — Even Davy Jones Protested — "Parti? Don't blame 'im!"
10. 10.Transcriber's Notes

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