Our readers will recollect the dreadful snow storm that
occurred in the year 1825. Indeed, it is impossible that
any one, who was above the years of childhood at the time,
can have forgot it, or can ever forget it. It was the most
tremendous with which this country has been visited for a
century. For nearly six weeks, and in some places for a
much longer period, every road, excepting those in the
immediate vicinity of large towns, was blocked up, and
rendered impassable, by either horse or foot; and one consequence
was, that scores of travellers, of all descriptions,
were suddenly arrested in their several places of temporary
sojournment on the road, and held in durance during the
whole period of the storm, without the possibility of communicating
with their friends, or, in the case of mercantile
travellers, with their employers.
It was a weary time, on the whole, to those who were
thus laid under embargo; but not without its pleasures
either; for each house thus situated, having perhaps a
dozen strangers in it, from and going to all parts of the
kingdom, became a distinct and independent little community,
from which its local exclusion from the busy world
had shut out, also, for the time at any rate, much of its
cares and troubles—a philosophic spirit soon prevailing,
after the first day or two’s confinement, to make the most
of what could not be helped.
The writer of this sheet happened to be one of nine who
were shut up in the way alluded to, in an inn in the south
of Scotland; and although, as already said, it was rather a
weary thing on the whole, yet was it not without its enjoyments.
Our ennui was often delightfully relieved by the
diversity of character as developed in our little community;
for we had, if we may so speak, the salt, the pepper, and
the vinegar of human dispositions, sprinkled throughout
the party, which not only took from the cold insipidity of
our confinement, but gave to it a rich and pleasant relish.
Our host’s cellar and larder happened to be well stored,
while the house was, in all other respects, an excellent one;
so, what with the produce of the former, and the roaring
fires kept up by Jamie, the waiter, we had really nothing
to complain of on the score of creature comforts—and it is
amazing how far the possession of these will go to reconcile
men to otherwise very unpleasant situations. In this case,
they were enhanced by the dreary prospect from without—the
howling storm, the drifting snow, and the wide, dismal,
monotonous waste of dazzling white that lay all around us.
The consciousness of the comforts we enjoyed, in short,
put us all in good humour with one another; while a fellowship
in misfortune, and a community of feeling, as well
as of persons, introduced a degree of friendliness and intimacy,
to which few other circumstances, perhaps, would
have given rise. We had our small round of standard
jokes, peculiar to our situation, which few else could have
understood, and fewer still have appreciated, though they
did understand them. We had, too, a small round of
harmless tricks, which we regularly played off every day on
some one or other of the corps. But, notwithstanding all this—the
larder, the cellar, the fire, the jokes, and the tricks—time
did occasionally hang rather heavily upon our hands,
especially in the evenings. To lessen this weight, we latterly
fell upon the contrivance of telling stories, one or two
of us each night, by turns. The idea is a borrowed one,
as the reader will at once perceive, but we humbly think
not a pin the worse on that account. There was no limitation,
of course, as to the subject. Each was allowed to
tell what story he liked; but it was the general understanding
that these stories should be personal, if possible—that
is, that each should relate the most remarkable circumstances
in his own life. Those who had nothing of the
kind to communicate, were, of course, allowed to get off
with anything else they chose to substitute. The first to
whose lot it fell to entertain us in this way, was a fat,
good-humoured, good-natured, little, hunch-backed gentleman,
with a short leg, and a bright yellow waistcoat. He
was a mercantile traveller, and, if I recollect right, a native
of Newcastle.
When the little man was asked to open his budget,
“Why, gentlemen,” said he, “I do not see that I can do
better than comply with the understood wish of the company,
by giving you a sketch of my own life, which you
will find to present, I think, as curious a race, or struggle,
or whatever else you may choose to call it, between luck
and misfortune, as perhaps you have heard of:—
You must know, then, my friends (went on the little
gentleman in the bright yellow waistcoat), that the indications
of my future good fortune began to exhibit themselves
as early as they well could. I was born with a caul upon
my head, gentlemen, which all of you know is an indubitable
token that the little personage to whom it belongs will be
singularly fortunate in life. Well, gentleman, I was favoured,
as I have already said, with one of those desirable headpieces;
and great was the joy the circumstance gave rise
to amongst the female friends and gossips who were assembled
on the occasion. The midwife said that everything I
should put my hand to would prosper, and that I would
be, to a certainty, at the very least, a general, a bishop, or
a judge; the nurse to whom I was subsequently consigned,
on the same ground, dubbed me a duke, and would never
call me by any other title; whilst my poor mother saw me,
in perspective, sitting amongst the great ones of the earth,
surrounded with power, wealth, and glory. Such were the
bright visions of my future prosperity, to which my caul
gave rise; and probably they might have been realized,
had it not been for an unlucky counteracting or thwarting
power that always stepped in, seemingly for no other purpose
but to disappoint my own hopes and those of my
friends; sometimes baulking my expectations altogether,
when on the point of fruition—sometimes converting that
to evil in me which would assuredly have produced good
to any other person. But to proceed with my history. I
grew up a fine, stout, well-made child. Ay, you may
laugh, gentlemen (said the little man, good-humouredly,
seeing a titter go round at this personal allusion, which so
ill accorded with his present deformed appearance), but it
was the case, I assure you, until I met with the accidents
that altered my shape to what you now see it. Well, I
repeat, that I grew a fine promising child, and, to the inexpressible
amazement and delight of my parents, showed
symptoms of taking unusually early to my legs.
Nor were these symptoms unfaithful. I took to my pins,
on my own account, before I was ten months old; but,
unfortunately, my first walk was into a draw-well, where I
would infallibly have been drowned, if it had not been for
a large Newfoundland dog which my father kept, and which
was close by me at the time of the accident. The faithful
creature leapt in after me, and kept me afloat, until my
father came and extricated me. After this, I was never
trusted a moment out of sight; and thus, instead of this
precocious developement of my physical powers proving a
blessing to me, it proved a curse; for it deprived me of all
liberty. As I grew up, however, this restraint became less
rigorous, and I was permitted to ramble in the garden;
and one of my first feats, after obtaining this freedom, was,
to climb a high wall, to come at an uncommonly fine apple
that had long tempted me with its rosy cheeks, and I had
just succeeded in getting near enough to the prize to grasp
it, when, in making this effort, down I came; and this leg,
gentlemen (said the little man, holding out his deformed
limb), was the consequence. I fell and broke my leg, just
as I was about to grasp the apple. Fatal type of all my
subsequent misfortunes!
I have now, gentlemen (went on the little man), to
account for the other deformity that disfigures me, viz.,—my
hump-back. This befell me in the following manner.
Playing one day with a number of boys, of about my own
age, which was then six or seven, a big fellow, of double the
size of any of us, came in amongst us, and began to plunder
us of our playthings; and he was in the very act of
robbing me of a hoop, when another lad, still stronger and
bigger, who saw the attempted robbery, generously ran to
my assistance, and aimed a tremendous blow with a stick
at my assailant. The blow, however, missed him at whom
it was aimed, and took me exactly on the small of the back,
which it broke in two as if it had been a pipe shank; and
the consequence was, as you see, gentlemen (said the little
man in the bright yellow waistcoat, edging round, at the
same time, to indicate his hump).
Well, then, gentlemen (he went on), up to my ninth
year, this was all the good fortune that my caul brought
me—that is, being first half-drowned, then breaking my
leg, and lastly my back. To compensate, however, in some
measure, for these mischances, I turned out an excellent
scholar; and, especially, became a very expert Latinist—a
circumstance which my father, who had a great veneration
for the language, thought sufficient alone to make my
fortune; and it certainly procured me—that is, very nearly
procured me—in the meantime, some of the chief honours
of the school. I say very nearly—for I did not actually
obtain them; but it was only by the merest accident in
the world that I did not. The misapprehension of a
single word deprived me of a prize which was about to
be awarded to me, and gave it to one of my competitors.
This was reckoned a very hard case; but there was no
help for it.
Still there was luck in the caul, gentlemen (continued
the little man in the bright yellow waistcoat), as you shall
hear. Going home from school one day, a distance of about
a mile and a half, I found a very handsome gold watch,
with valuable appendages, lying upon the road. I was at
first afraid to lift the glittering treasure, hardly believing
it possible that so rich and splendid a thing could be without
an owner; but, gradually picking up courage, I seized
on the watch, hurried it into my pocket, and ran onwards
like a madman. I had not run far, however, when a man,
respectably dressed, but who seemed the worse of liquor,
or rather like one just recovering from a debauch, met me,
and, seizing me by the breast, fiercely asked me if I had
seen anything of a gold watch. I instantly confessed that
I had found such a thing; and, trembling with apprehension,
for the fellow continued to look furiously at me, produced
the watch.
“Very well,” said he, taking it from me. “Now, you
little villain you, confess. You did not find the watch, but
stole it from me whilst I slept on the roadside.”
I protested that it was not so—that I had found it as I
had said. To this protest the fellow replied by striking
me a violent blow on the side of the head, which stretched
me on the road; where, after administering two or three
parting kicks, to teach me honesty, as he said, he left me
in a state of insensibility. I was shortly afterwards picked
up and carried home; but so severe had been the drubbing
I got, that I was obliged to keep my bed for three weeks
after. And this was all I gained by finding a gold watch.
Had any other person found it, they would have been
allowed to keep it, or, at the worst, have got a handsome
reward for giving it up; but such things were to be not in
any case in which I should be concerned.
Still I say, gentlemen (continued the little man in the
bright yellow waistcoat), there was luck in the caul; for,
soon after, a distant relation of my mother’s, who had been
long in the West Indies, and had there realized a large
fortune, having come to England on some business, paid
us a visit, and was so well pleased with the attention
shown him, and with the society he got introduced to, that
he spent the whole subsequent period of his temporary
residence in this country with us. During this time, he
became remarkably fond of me—so fond that he could
never be without me. I was obliged to accompany him
in all his walks, and even to sleep with him. In short, he
became so attached to me, that it was evident to every one
that some good would come out of it; for he was immensely
rich, and had no family of his own, never having been
married. Indeed, that I would be the better for the old
boy’s love was not matter of conjecture, for he frequently
hinted it very broadly. He would often take me on his
knee, and, while fondling me, would say, in presence of my
father and mother—“Well, my little fellow, who knows
but you may ride in your carriage yet? As odd things
have happened.” Then, “Would you like to be a rich
man, Bobby?” he would inquire, looking archly at me.
“If you continue as good a boy as you are just now, I’ll
undertake to promise that you will.” In short, before
leaving us, our wealthy friend, whose name was Jeremiah
Hairsplitter, held out certain hopes to my parents of my
being handsomely provided for in his will. This so affected
us all, that we wept bitterly when the good old man left
us to return to the West Indies; where, however, he told
us, he now intended remaining only a short time, having
made up his mind to come home and spend the remainder
of his days with us.
Well, gentlemen (said the little hump-backed man in
the bright yellow waistcoat), here was a very agreeable
prospect, you’ll all allow; and it was one in which there
appeared so much certainty, that it cost my father—who
had been led to believe he should get a handsome slice too—many
serious thoughts as to how we should dispose of the
money—how lay it out to the best advantage. My father,
who was a very pious man, determined, for one thing, to
build a church; and, as to me and my fortune, he thought
the best thing I could do, seeing, from my deformities, that
I was not very well adapted for undergoing the fatigues of
a professional life, was, when I should become a little older,
to turn country gentleman; and with this idea he was
himself so well pleased, that he began, thinking it best to
take time by the forelock, to look around for a suitable seat
for me when I should come of age and be ready to act on
my own account; and he fortunately succeeded in finding
one that seemed a very eligible investment. It was a very
handsome country house, about the distance of three miles
from where we lived, and to which there was attached an
estate of 1000 acres of land, all in a high state of cultivation.
The upset price of the whole—for the property was
at that moment on sale—was £20,000; a dead bargain, as
the lawyer who had the management of the property
assured us. It was worth at least double the money, he
said; and in this Mr. Longshanks, the land-measurer, whom
my father also consulted on the subject, perfectly agreed;
but was good enough to give my father a quiet hint to hold
off a bit, and, as the proprietor was in great distress for
money, he might probably get the estate for £18,000, or
something, at any rate, considerably below the price
named. Grateful for this hint, my father invited Mr.
Longshanks to dine with him, and gave him a bottle of his
best wine. Now, gentlemen, please to observe (said the
little hunch-backed gentleman in the bright yellow waistcoat)
that while we were thus treating about an estate
worth £20,000, we had not a sixpence wherewith to buy
it; so that Mr. Longshanks’ hint about holding off was
rather a superfluous one. But then our prospects were
good—nay, certain; there was, therefore, no harm—nay, it
was proper and prudent to anticipate matters a little in the
way we did; so that we might at once have the advantage
of sufficient time to do things deliberately, and be prepared
to make a good use of our fortune the moment we got possession
of it.
That our prospects were excellent, I think you will all
allow, gentlemen, when you take into account what I have
already told regarding our worthy relative; but that they
really were so, you will still more readily admit, when I
tell you that we received many letters from Mr. Hairsplitter,
after his arrival in Jamaica (for he now opened a regular
correspondence with us), in all of which he continued not
only to keep our hopes alive, as to the destination of his
wealth, but to increase them; so that I—for the bulk of
his fortune, there was no doubt, was intended for me—was
already looked upon as a singularly lucky young dog; and
of this opinion, in the most unqualified sense, and in a most
especial manner, was my mother, my nurse, and the lady
who ushered me into the world—all of whom exultingly
referred to my caul, and to their own oft-expressed sentiments
regarding the luck that was to befall me.
But, to return to my story. After a lapse of about two
or three years, during which, as I have said, we received
many letters from our worthy relative, one came, in which
he informed us that it was the last we should have from
him from Jamaica, as he had wound up all his affairs, and
was about to leave the island, to return home and spend
the remainder of his days with us, or in our immediate
neighbourhood.
Well, gentlemen, you see matters were gradually approaching
to a very delightful crisis; and we, as you may
believe, saw it with no small satisfaction. We indulged in
the most delicious dreams; indeed, our whole life was now
one continued reverie of the most soothing and balmy kind.
From this dreamy state, however, we were very soon awakened
by the following paragraph in a newspaper, which
my father accidentally stumbled on, one morning as we were
at breakfast. It was headed “Dreadful Shipwreck,” and
went on thus:—“It is with feelings of the most sincere
regret we inform our readers, that the Isabella, from
Jamaica to London, has foundered at sea, and every one
on board perished, together with the whole of a most valuable
cargo. Amongst the unfortunate passengers in this
ill-fated vessel was a Mr. Jeremiah Hairsplitter, a well-known
Jamaica planter, who was on his return, for good
and all, to his native land. The whole of this gentleman’s
wealth, which was enormous, will now go, it is said (he having
died intestate), to a poor man in this neighbourhood
[Liverpool], who is nearest of kin.”
Well, gentlemen (continued the little hump-backed man
in the bright yellow waistcoat), here was a pretty finish to
all our bright anticipations! For some time, indeed, we
entertained hopes that the reports, especially the last,
might be false; but, alas! they turned out too true. True,
true were they, to the letter. My father, unwilling to
believe that all was lost, called upon a lawyer in the town
where we resided, who had a good deal to do with our late
relative’s affairs; and, after mentioning to him the footing
we were on with the deceased, and the expectations he had
led us to indulge in, inquired if nothing would arise to us
from Mr. Hairsplitter’s effects.
“Not a rap!” was the laconic and dignified reply—“not
a cross, not a cowrie! You haven’t a shadow of claim to
anything. All that Mr. Hairsplitter may have said goes for
nothing, as it is not down in black and white, in legal phrase.”
So, my friends (said the narrator, with a sigh) here was
an end to this fortune and to my luck, at that bout, at any
rate. Still, gentlemen (went on the little hump-backed
man in the bright yellow waistcoat), I maintain there was
luck in the caul.
I was now, you must know, my friends, getting up in
years—that is to say, I was now somewhere about one-and-twenty.
Well, my father, thinking it full time that I should
be put in a way of doing something for myself, applied, in
my behalf, to a certain nobleman who resided in our neighbourhood,
and who was under obligations to my father for
some election services. When my father called on the
peer alluded to, and informed him of his object—“Why,
sir,” said his lordship, “this is rather a fortunate circumstance
for both of us. I am just now in want of precisely
such a young man as you describe your son to be, to act as
my secretary and amanuensis, and will therefore be very
glad to employ him.” His lordship then mentioned his
terms. They were liberal, and, of course, instantly accepted.
This settled, my father was desired to send me to Cram
Hall, his lordship’s residence, next day, to enter on my new
duties.
Here, then, you see, was luck at last, gentlemen (said
the little hump-backed gentleman in the bright yellow
waistcoat); for the nobleman was powerful, and there was
no saying what he might do for me. Next day, accordingly,
I repaired to Cram Hall with a beating, but exulting heart;
for I was at once proud of my employment, and terrified
for my employer, who was, I knew, a dignified, pompous,
vain, conceited personage.
“Show off your Latin to him, Dick, my boy,” said my
father, before I set out: “it will give him a good opinion
of your talents and erudition.” I promised that I would.
Well, on being introduced to his lordship, he received
me with the most affable condescension; but there was
something about his affability, I thought, which made it
look extremely like as if it had been assumed for the purpose
of showing how a great man could descend.
“Glad to see you, young man,” he said. “I hope you
and I shall get on well together. But there was just one
single question regarding you, which I quite forgot to put
to your father. Do you understand Latin thoroughly?—that
is, can you translate it readily?”
Feeling my own strength on this point, and delighted that
he had afforded me so early an opportunity of declaring it,
I replied, with a degree of exultation which I had some
difficulty in repressing—“I flatter myself, my lord, that
you will not find me deficient in that particular. I understand
Latin very well, and will readily undertake to translate
anything in that language which may be presented to
me.”
“In that case,” replied his lordship, gravely, “I am
sorry to say, young man, you will not suit me.”
“How, my lord!” said I, with a look of mingled amazement
and disappointment—“because I understand Latin?
I should have thought that a recommendation to your
lordship’s service.”
“Quite otherwise, sir,” replied his lordship, coolly. “It
may appear to you, indeed, sir, rather an odd ground of
disqualification. But the thing is easily explained. I have
often occasion, sir,” he went on, with increasing dignity,
“to write on matters of importance to my friends in the
cabinet; and, when I have anything of a very particular
nature to say, I always write my sentiments in Latin. It
would therefore, sir, be imprudent of me to employ any
one in transcribing such letters, who is conversant with
the language alluded to; or, indeed, otherwise exposing
them to the eye of such a person. You will, therefore,
young man,” continued the peer—now rising from his seat,
as if with a desire that I should take the movement as a
hint that he wished the interview to terminate—“present
my respects to your father, and say that I am very sorry
for this affair—very sorry, indeed.”
Saying this, he edged me towards the door; and, long
before I reached it, bowed me a good morning, which there
was no evading. I acknowledged it the best way I could,
left the house, and returned home—I leave you, gentlemen,
to conceive with what feelings. My Latin, you see,
of which I was so vain, and which, with anybody else,
would have been a help to success in the world in many
situations, and in none could have been against it, was the
very reverse to me.
That there was luck in the caul, gentlemen, nevertheless,
I still maintain (said the little hump-backed man in the
bright yellow waistcoat, laughing); and you will acknowledge
it when I tell you that, soon after the occurrence just
related, I bought a ticket in the lottery, which turned out
a prize of £20,000.”
“Ha, ha! at last!” here shouted out, with one voice, all
the little man’s auditors. “So you caught it at last!”
“Not so fast, gentlemen, if you please—not so fast,” said
the little man, gravely. “The facts certainly were as I
have stated. I did buy a ticket in the lottery. I recollect
the number well, and will as long as I live. I chose it for
its oddity. It was 9999, and it did turn out a £20,000
prize. But there is a trifling particular or two regarding it
which I have yet to explain. A gentleman, an acquaintance
of mine, to whom I had expressed some regret at having
ventured so much money on a lottery ticket, offered
not only to relieve me of it, but to give me a premium of
five pounds, subject to a deduction of the price of a bowl
of punch. “A bird in hand’s worth two in the bush,”
thought I, and at once closed with his offer. Nay, so well
pleased was I with my bargain, that I insisted on giving
an additional bowl, and actually did so.
Next day, my ticket was drawn a twenty thousand
pound prize! and I had the happiness (added the little
man, with a rueful expression of countenance) of communicating
to my friend his good luck, as the letter of advice
on the subject came, in the first instance, to me.
However, gentlemen, luck there was in the caul still,
say I (continued the little hump-backed gentleman in the
bright yellow waistcoat). Love, gentlemen—sweet, dear,
delightful love!—(here the little man looked extremely
sentimental)—came to soothe my woes and banish my
regrets. Yes, my friends he said (observing a slight
smile of surprise and incredulity on the countenance of
his auditors, proceeding, we need hardly say, from certain
impressions regarding his personal appearance), I say that
love—dear, delightful love—came now to my aid, to reconcile
me to my misfortunes, and to restore my equanimity.
The objects of my affections—for there were two——”
“Oh, unconscionable man!” we here all exclaimed in
one breath. “Two! Ah! too bad that.”
“Yes, I repeat, two,” said the little man composedly—“the
objects of my passion were two. The one was a
beautiful girl of three-and-twenty—the other, a beautiful
little fortune of £10,000, of which she was in full and uncontrolled
possession. Well, gentlemen, to make a long
story short, we loved each other most devotedly; for she
was a girl of singular judgment and penetration, and placed
little store by mere personal appearance in those she loved:
the mind, gentlemen—the mind was what this amiable girl
looked to. Well, as I was saying, we loved each other
with the fondest affection, and at length I succeeded in
prevailing upon her to name the happy day when we
should become one. Need I describe to you, gentleman,
what were my transports—what the intoxicating feelings
of delight with which my whole soul was absorbed by the
contemplation of the delicious prospect that lay before me!
A beautiful woman and a fortune of £10,000 within my
grasp! No. I’m sure I need not describe the sensations
I allude to, gentlemen—you will at once conceive and
appreciate them.
Well, my friends, all went smoothly on with me this
time. The happy day arrived—we proceeded to church.
The clergyman began the service. In three minutes more,
gentleman, I would have been indissolubly united to my
beloved and her £10,000, when, at this critical moment, a
person rushed breathless into the church, forced his way
through the crowd of friends by whom we were surrounded,
and caught my betrothed in his arms, exclaiming—“Jessie,
Jessie! would you forsake me? Have you forgot your
vows?” Jessie replied by a loud shriek, and immediately
fainted.
Here, then, you see, gentlemen (continued the little
hump-backed man in the bright yellow waistcoat), was a
pretty kick-up all in a moment.
In a twinkling, the bevy of friends by whom we were
accompanied scattered in all directions—some running for
water, some for brandy, some for one thing and some for
another, till there was scarcely one left in the church. The
service was, of course, instantly stopped; and my beloved
was, in the meantime, very tenderly supported by the arms
of the stranger; for such he was to me at any rate, although
by no means so either to the lady herself or to her friends.
I was, as you may well believe, all astonishment and amazement
at this extraordinary scene, and could not at all conceive
what it meant; but it was not long before I was very
fully informed on this head. To return, however, in the
meantime, to the lady. On recovering from her fainting
fit, the stranger, who had been all along contemplating her
with a look of the most tender affection, asked her, in a
gentle voice, “If she would still continue true to him.”
And, gentlemen, she answered, though in a voice scarcely
audible, “Yes;” and, immediately after, the two walked
out of the church arm in arm, in spite of the remonstrances
and even threats of myself and my friends—leaving us, and
me in particular, to such reflections on the uncertainty of
all human events as the circumstance which had just
occurred was calculated to excite. In three weeks after,
the stranger and Jessie were married. Who he was is
soon explained. He had been a favoured lover of Jessie’s
some seven years before, and had gone abroad, where
it was believed he had died, there having been no word
from him during the greater part of that period. How
this was explained I never knew; but that he was not
dead, you will allow was now pretty clearly established.
Now, gentlemen (added our little friend), I have
brought my mishaps up to the present date. What may
be still in store for me, I know not; but I have now brought
myself to the peaceful and most comfortable condition of
having no hopes of succeeding in anything, and therefore
am freed, at least, from all liability to the pains of disappointment.”
And here ended the story of the little hump-backed
gentleman in the bright yellow waistcoat.
We all felt for his disappointments, and wished him
better luck.
The person to whose turn it came next to entertain us,
was a quiet, demure looking personage, of grave demeanour,
but of mild and pleasant countenance. His gravity,
we thought, partook a little of melancholy; and he was, in
consequence, recognised generally in the house by the title
of the melancholy gentleman. He was, however, very far
from being morose; indeed, on the contrary, he was exceedingly
kind and gentle in his manner, and would not,
I am convinced, have harmed the meanest insect that crawls,
let alone his own species.
“Well, gentlemen,” said this person, on being informed
that it was his turn to divert us with some story or other,
“I will do the best I can to entertain you, and will follow
the example of my unfortunate predecessor of the evening,
by choosing a subject of something of a personal nature.”
“To begin, then, my friends,” went on the melancholy
gentleman—“I do not, I think, arrogate too much when I
say that I am as peaceable and peace-loving a man as ever
existed. I have always abhorred strife and wrangling; and
never knowingly or willingly interfere in any way with the
affairs of my neighbours or of others. I would, in short,
at any time, rather sacrifice my interests than quarrel with
any one; while I reckon it the greatest happiness to be let
alone, and to be allowed to get through the world quietly
and noiselessly. From my very infancy, my friends (said
the melancholy gentleman), I loved quiet above all things;
and there is a tradition in our family, strikingly corroborative
of this. The tradition alluded to bears that I never
cried while an infant, and that I never could endure my
rattle. Well, gentlemen, such were and such still are my
dispositions. But, offending no one, and interfering with
no one, how have I been treated in my turn? You shall
hear.
At school, I was thrashed by the master for not interfering
to prevent my companions fighting; and I was thrashed
by my companions for not taking part in their quarrels:
so that, between them, I had, I assure you, a very miserable
life of it. However, these were but small matters,
compared to what befell me after I had fairly embarked in
the world.
My first experience after this, of how little my peaceful
and inoffensive disposition would avail me, was with an
evening club which I joined. For some time I got on very
well with the persons who composed this association, and
seemed—at least I thought so—to be rather a favourite
with them, on account of my quiet and peaceable demeanour;
and, under ordinary circumstances, perhaps I might
have continued so. But the demon of discord got amongst
them, and I became, in consequence of my non-resisting
qualities, the scapegoat of their spleen; or rather, I became
the safety-valve by which their passions found a harmless
egress. But, to drop metaphor, my friends (said the
melancholy gentleman), the club got to loggerheads on a
certain political question—I forget now what it was—and
for some nights there was a great deal of angry discussion
and violent altercation on the subject. In these debates,
however, in accordance with my natural disposition, I took
no part whatever, except by making some fruitless attempts
to abate the resentment of the parties, by thrusting in a
jocular remark or so, when anything particularly severe
was said. Well, gentlemen, how was I rewarded for this
charitable conduct, think you? Why, I’ll tell you.
On the third or fourth night, I think it was, of the discussion
alluded to, a member got up and said, addressing
the club—“My friends, a good deal of vituperation and
opprobrious language has been used in this here room, regarding
the question we have been discussing these three
or four nights back; but we have all spoke our minds freely,
and stood to it like men who isn’t afeard to speak their
sentiments anywhere. Now, I says that’s what I likes. I
likes a man to stand to his tackle. But I hates, as I do
the devil, your snakes in the grass, your smooth-chopped
fellows, who hears all and never says nothing, so as how
you can’t tell whether he is fish or flesh. I say, I hate such
dastardly, sneaking fellows, who won’t speak out; and I
says that such are unfit for this company;” (here the
speaker looked hard at me); “and I move that he be
turned out directly, neck and heel.”
Well, this speech, my friends (went on the melancholy
gentleman), which you will perceive was levelled at me,
was received with a shout of applause by both parties. The
ruffing and cheering was immense; and most laudably
prompt was the execution of the proposal that excited it.
Before I had time to evacuate the premises quietly and of
my own accord, which I was about to do, I was seized by
the breast by a tall ferocious-looking fellow, who sat next
me, and who was immediately aided by three or four others,
and dragged over every obstacle that stood in the way to
the door, out of which I was finally kicked with particular
emphasis.
Such, then, my friends (said the melancholy gentleman),
was the first most remarkable instance of the benefits I was
likely to derive from my inoffensive non-meddling disposition.
However, it was my nature; and neither this
unmerited treatment, nor any other usage which I afterwards
experienced, could alter it.
Some time after this, I connected myself with a certain
congregation in our town, and it unfortunately happened
that, soon after I joined them, they came all to sixes and
sevens about a minister. One party was for a Mr. Triterite,
the other a Mr. White. These were distinguished, as usual,
in such and similar cases, by the adjunct ite, which had, as
you may perceive, a most unhappy effect in the case of the
name of the first gentleman, whose followers were called
Triteriteites, and those of the other Whiteites. However,
this was but a small matter. To proceed. In the squabbles
alluded to, gentlemen, I took no part; it being a matter
of perfect indifference to me which of the candidates
had the appointment. All that I desired was, that I might
be let alone, and not be called upon to interfere in any way
in the dispute. But would they allow me this indulgence,
think you? No, not they. They resolved, seemingly,
that my unobtrusive conduct should be no protection to
me. Two or three days after the commencement of the
contest, I was waited upon by a deputation from a committee
of the Triteriteites, and requested to join them in
opposing the Whiteites. This I civilly declined; telling
them, at the same time, that it was my intention and my
earnest wish to avoid all interference in the pending controversy;
that I was perfectly indifferent to which of the
candidates the church was given, and would be very glad
to become a hearer of either of them; that, in short, I
wished to make myself no enemies on account of any such
contest.
“Oh, very well, Mr. B——,” said the spokesman, reddening
with anger, “we understand all this perfectly, and
think very little, I assure you, of such mean evasive conduct.
Had you said boldly and at once that you favoured
the other party, we would at least have given you credit
for honesty. But you may depend upon it, sir,” he added,
“White never will get the church. That you may rely
upon.”
“Scurvy conduct,” muttered another of the committee,
as he was retiring after the speaker.
“Shabby, sniveling, drivelling conduct,” muttered a third.
“Low, mean, sneaking conduct,” said a fourth.
“Dirty subterfuge,” exclaimed a fifth. And off the gentlemen
went.
But they had not yet done with me. One of the number
was a person with whom I had some acquaintance, and the
next day I received from him the following note:—“Sir,
your unmanly (I will not mince the matter with you),
your unmanly and disingenuous conduct yesterday, when
called upon by Mr. Triterite’s committee, has so disgusted
me that I beg you to understand that we are friends no
longer. A candid and open avowal of opposite sentiments
from those which I entertain, I trust, I shall be always
liberal enough to tolerate in any one, without prejudice to
previous intimacy; but I cannot remain on terms of friendship
with a man who has the meanness to seek to conciliate
the party he opposes, by concealing his adherence to that
which he has espoused.—I am, sir,” &c.
Well, my friends (said the melancholy gentleman), was
not this an extremely hard case? To be thus abused, and
reviled, and scouted, for merely desiring to be allowed to
live in peace, and to have nothing to do with a squabble
in which I did not feel in any way interested. But this was
not all. I was lampooned, caricatured, and paragraphed
in the newspapers, in a thousand different ways. In the
first, I was satirized as the fair dealer; in the second, I was
represented as a wolf in sheep’s clothing; and in the last, I
was hinted at as “a certain quiet double-faced gentleman,
not a hundred miles from hence.”
But still this was not all. Two or three days after I had
been waited on by the Triteriteites, the same honour was
done me by the Whiteites, and with similar views. To the
gentlemen of this party, I said precisely what I had said
to those of the opposite faction, and begged of them,
in heaven’s name, to let me alone, and settle the matter
amongst them as they best could.
“Well,” replied one of the gentlemen, when I had done,
“I must say, I did not expect this of you, Mr. B. I thought
I could have reckoned on your support; but it doesn’t
signify. We can secure Mr. White’s appointment without
you. But I must say, if you had been the candid man I
took you for, you would have told me, ere this, that you
meant to have supported the other party. I really cannot
think very highly, Mr. B., of your conduct in this matter;
but it doesn’t signify, sir—it doesn’t signify. We now know
who are our friends and who are not. Mr. Triterite, you
may depend upon it, will never get the church, even
though he has you to support him.” Saying this, he
turned on his heel and left me, followed by his train, who,
precisely as the others had done, muttered as they went,
“shabby fellow,” “mean scamp,” “shuffling conduct,”
“snake in the grass” (favourite phrase this), &c. &c.
Well, my friends, here you see (said the melancholy
gentleman), without giving any one the smallest offence,
and desiring nothing so much as peace and the good will
of my neighbours—here was I, I say, become obnoxious
to heaven knows how many people; for my reputation
naturally extended from the committees to the other members
of the congregation, and from them again to their
friends and acquaintances; so that I had, in the end, a
pretty formidable array of enemies. The consequence of
this affair was, that I soon found myself compelled, from
the petty persecutions and annoyances of all sorts, to which
I was subsequently exposed, to leave the congregation
altogether. However, to compensate for all these troubles
and vexations, I had the good fortune, about this time, to
become acquainted with a very amiable young lady, as
peaceably inclined and as great a lover of quiet as myself.
This lady I married, having previously secured a house in
one of the quietest and most retired places in the town, so
as to be out of the way of all noise and din. Immediately
beneath this house, however, there was an empty unlet
shop, which I could not help regarding with a suspicious
eye, from an apprehension that it might be taken by a
person of some noisy calling or other; and so much at last
did this fear alarm me, that I determined on taking the
shop into my own hands, and running myself the risk of
its letting—thus securing the choice of a tenant. Having
come to this resolution, then, I called upon the landlord
and inquired the rent.
“O sir,” said he, “the shop is let.”
“Let, sir!” replied I; “I saw a ticket on it yesterday.”
“That might well be, sir, for it was only let this morning.”
“And to whom, sir, is it let, may I ask? I mean, sir,
what is his business?”
“A tinsmith, sir,” said the landlord, coolly.
“A tinsmith!” replied I, turning pale. “Then my worse
fears are realized!”
The landlord looked surprised, and inquired what I meant.
I told him, and had a laugh from him for my pains.
Yes, my friends (said the melancholy gentleman), a tinsmith
had taken the shop—a working tinsmith—and a most
industrious and hard-working one he was, to my cost. But
this was not the worst of it. The tinsmith was not a week
in his new shop, when he received a large West India order;
and when I mention that this piece of good fortune, as I
have no doubt he reckoned it, compelled him to engage
about a score of additional hands, I may safely leave it to
yourselves, gentlemen, to conceive what sort of a neighbourhood
I soon found myself in. On this subject, then,
I need only say, that, in less than a week thereafter, I was
fairly hammered out of the house, and compelled to look
out for other quarters. But this, after all, was merely a
personal matter—one which did not involve the inimical
feelings of others towards me; and, therefore, though an
inconvenience at the time, it did not disturb my quiet
beyond the moment of suffering, as those unhappy occurrences
did in which I had, however unwittingly, provoked
the enmity of others; and, therefore, after I had been fairly
settled in my new house, I thought very little more about
the matter, and was beginning to enjoy the calm, quiet life
which I so much loved, as nobody had meddled with me
for upwards of three weeks. But, alas! this felicity was
to be but of short duration. The election of a member of
Parliament came on, and I had a vote—but I had determined
to make no use of it; for, being but little of a politician,
and, above all things, desiring to be on good terms
with everybody, whatever might be their religious or political
persuasions, I thought the best way for me was to
take no share whatever in the impending contest; it being
a mere matter of moonshine to me whether Whig or Tory
was uppermost. In adopting this neutral course, I expected,
and I think not unreasonably, to get quietly through
with the matter, and that I should avoid giving offence to
any one. I will further confess, that, besides this feeling,
I was guided to a certain extent by interest. I had many
customers of opposite political tenets—Whig, Tory, and
Radical—and I was desirous of retaining the custom and
good will of them all, by taking part with none. Grievous
error—dreadful mistake!
Soon after, the candidates started, and there happened
to be one of each of the three classes just mentioned—that
is, Whig, Tory, and Radical. I received a card from one
of my best customers, a Whig, containing a larger order
than usual for tea, wine, spirits, &c.—such being the articles
in which I deal, gentlemen (said our melancholy friend);
but, at the bottom of the slip, there was the following
note:—“Mr. S—— hopes he may count on Mr. B.’s supporting
the Liberal interest in the ensuing election, by giving
his vote to Lord Botherem. Mr. S—— is perfectly
aware of Mr. B.’s indifference to political matters; but it
is on this very account that Mr. S—— reckons on his support,
as it can be a matter of no moment to him to whom
he gives his vote.”
Well, gentleman, here you see was the first attack upon
me; and the second soon followed. I saw the storm that
was gathering. In the course of the very same day, I was
waited on by another customer, an inveterate Tory.
“Well, Mr. B.,” he said, on entering my shop, “I am
come to solicit a very important favour from you; but still
one which I am sure you will not refuse an old friend and
a tolerably good customer. In short, Mr. B.,” he went
on, “knowing it is a matter of moonshine to you who is
member for this burgh—for I’ve heard you say so—I have
come to ask your vote for Mr. Blatheringham, the Tory
candidate.”
“My dear sir,” I replied, “you are quite right in saying
that it is a matter of moonshine to me what may be the
political tenets of our member; but I have resolved—and I
have done so for that very reason—not to interfere in the
matter at all. I do not mean to vote on any side.” And I
laughed; but my friend looked grave.
“Oh! you don’t, Mr. B.!” he said. “Then am I to
understand that you won’t oblige me in this matter, although
it is on a point which is of no consequence to you, on your
own confession, and, therefore, requiring no sacrifice of
political principle.”
“My dear sir,” replied I, in the mildest and most conciliating
manner possible, anxious to turn away wrath—“I
have already said”——
“Oh! I know very well, sir, what you have said, and
I’ll recollect it, too, you may depend upon it, and not
much to your profit. My account’s closed with you, sir.
Good morning!” And out of the shop he went in a furious
passion. On the day following this, I received a note from
the Whig canvasser, in reply to one from me on the subject
of his solicitation, in which I had expressed nearly the
same sentiments which I delivered verbally to my Tory
friend: and in this note I was served with almost precisely
the same terms which the Tory had used in return, only he
carried the matter a little farther—telling me plainly that
he would not only withdraw his own custom from me, but
do his endeavour to deprive me of the custom of those of
his friends who dealt with me, who were of the same political
opinions with himself. This I thought barefaced
enough; and I daresay you will agree with me, my friends
(said the melancholy gentleman), that it was so.
Here then, were two of my best customers lost to me for
ever. Nay, not only their own custom, but that of all their
political partisans who happened to deal with me; for the
one was fully as good as his word, and the other a great
deal better: that is to say, the one who threatened to deprive
me of the custom of his friends, as well as his own,
did so most effectually; while the other, who held out no
such threat, did precisely the same thing by his friends,
and with at least equal success.
In truth, I wanted now but to be asked to support the
Radical interest to be fairly ruined; and this was a piece of
good fortune that was not long denied me. “My dear Bob,”—thus
commenced a note, which I had, on this unhappy
occasion, from an intimate friend, a rattling, rough, outspoken
fellow—“As I know your political creed to be
couched in the phrase—‘Let who likes be king, I’ll be
subject’—that is, you don’t care one of your own figs what
faction is uppermost—I request, as a personal favour, your
support for Mr. Sweepthedecks; and this I do the more
readily, that I know there is no chance of your being pre-engaged.
Now, you musn’t refuse me, Bob, else you and
I will positively quarrel; for I have promised to secure
you.”
Here then, you see, my friends (said the melancholy
gentleman), was a climax. The unities in the system of
persecution adopted against me were strictly observed.
There was beginning, middle, and end complete—nothing
wanting. Well—still determined to maintain my neutrality—I
wrote a note to my friend, expressing precisely
the same sentiments to which I have so often alluded. To
this note I received no answer; and can only conjecture
the effect it had upon him by the circumstance of his withdrawing
his custom from me, and never again entering my shop.
Observe, however, my friends (here said the melancholy
gentleman), that, in speaking of the persecutions I underwent
on this occasion, I have merely selected instances—you
are by no means to understand that the cases just
mentioned included all the annoyance I met with on the
subject of my vote. Not at all. I have, as already said,
merely instanced these cases. I was assailed by scores of
others in the same way. Indeed, there was not a day, for
upwards of three weeks, that I was not badgered and
abused by somebody or other—ay, and that too, in my
own shop. But my shop was now not worth keeping; for
Whig, Tory, and Radical had deserted me, and left me to
the full enjoyment of my reflections on the course I had
pursued. In short, I found that, in endeavouring to offend
no one, I had offended everybody; and that, in place of
securing my own peace, I had taken the most effectual way
I possibly could to make myself unhappy.
Well, in the meantime, you see, my friends (continued
the melancholy gentleman), the election came on, and was
gained by the Whig candidate. The streets were on the
occasion paraded by the partisans of each of the parties;
and, as is not unusual in such cases, there was a great deal
of mischief done, and of which, as a sufferer, I came in for
a very liberal share. The Whig mob attacked my shop,
and demolished everything in it, to celebrate their triumph,
as they said, by plucking a hen—in other words, one who
would not support them. The Tory mob, again, attacked
my house, and smashed every one of my windows, alleging
that, as I was not a Tory, I must be a Whig; and, finally,
the third estate came in, and finished what the other two
had left undone, because I was not a Radical.
Here, then, gentlemen, was I, I repeat, who had offended
no one, or, at least, had given no one any reasonable
grounds of offence, but who, on the contrary, was most
anxious to remain on friendly terms with everybody—here,
I say, then, was I, surrounded with enemies, persecuted
at all hands, my business dwindled away to nothing,
and, lastly, my effects destroyed, to the extent of nearly
all I possessed in the world. There was still, however, a
small residue left; and with this I now determined to retire
to the country, and to take a small house in some sequestered
place, at a distance from all other human habitations,
with the view of ascertaining if I could not there secure
the peace and quietness which I found the most harmless
and inoffensive conduct could not procure me in society.
I determined, in short, to fly the face of man. Well, such
a house as I wished, I, after some time, found; and to it I
immediately retired. It was situated in a remote part of
the country, in a romantic little glen, and several miles
distant, on all hands, from any other residence—just the
thing I wanted. Here at last, thought I, as I gazed on the
solitude around me, I will find that peace and quiet that
are so dear to me; here is no one to quarrel with me
because I do not choose to think as he does—none to disturb
me because I seek to disturb no one. Fatal error again!
There was a small trouting stream at a short distance
from the house. I was fond of angling. I went to the
river with rod and line, threw in (it was the very next day
after I had taken possession of my new residence), and in
the next instant found myself seized by the cuff of the neck.
I had trespassed; and an immediate prosecution, notwithstanding
all the concession I could make, was the consequence.
The proprietor, at whose instance this proceeding
took place, was a brute—a tyrant. To all my overtures,
his only reply was, that he was determined to make an
example of me; and this he did, to the tune of about a
score of pounds. This occurrence, of course, put an immediate
stop to my fishing recreations; and, at the same time,
excited some suspicion in my mind as to the perfect felicity
which I was likely to enjoy in my retirement. Having
given up all thoughts of angling, I now took to walking,
and determined to make a general inspection of the country
in my neighbourhood; taking one direction one day, and
another the next, and so on, till I should have seen all
around me to the extent of some miles—“And surely this,”
thought I to myself, “will give offence to nobody.” Well,
in pursuance of this resolution, I started on my first voyage
of discovery; but had not proceeded far, when a beautiful
shady avenue, with its gate flung invitingly open, tempted
me to diverge. I entered it, and was sauntering luxuriously
along, with my hat in my hand, enjoying the cool shade of
the lofty umbrageous trees by which it was skirted, and
admiring the beauties around me—for it was, indeed, a
most lovely place. I was, in short, in a kind of delightful
reverie, when all of a sudden I found myself again seized
by the cuff of the neck, by a ferocious-looking fellow with
a gun in his hand.
“What do you want here, sir?” said the savage, looking
at me as if he would have torn me to pieces.
“Nothing, my good fellow,” replied I, mildly. “I want
nothing. I came here merely to enjoy a walk in this
beautiful avenue.”
“Then, you’ll pay for your walk, I warrant you. Curse
me, if you don’t! You have no right here, sir. Didn’t
you see the ticket at the entrance, forbidding all strangers
to come here?”
I declared I did not; which was true.
“Then I’ll teach you to look sharper next time. Your
name, sir?”
I gave it; and, in three days after, was served with a
summons for another trespass, and was again severely
fined.
“Strange land of liberty this!” thought I on this occasion—as,
indeed, I had done on some others before—“where
one dare not think as they please without making a host
of enemies, and where you can neither turn to the right or
the left without being taken by the neck.”
I now, in short, found, gentlemen (said our melancholy
friend), that I had only exchanged one scene of troubles
for another; and that even my remote and sequestered
situation was no protection to me whatever from annoyance
and persecution; and I therefore resolved to quit and return
once more to the town, to make another trial of the
justice of mankind; and in this resolution I was confirmed
by a letter which I shortly after this received from the
proprietor whose lands adjoined the small patch of ground
that was attached to the house I resided in.
“Sir,” began this new correspondent, “you must be
aware that it is the business of the tenant of the house you
occupy to keep the drain which passes your garden in an
efficient state, throughout the length of its passage by your
ground. Now, sir, it is, at present, far from being in
such a condition; and the consequence is, that a large
portion of my land in your neighbourhood is laid under
water, to my serious loss. I therefore request that you
will instantly see to this, to prevent further trouble. I am,
sir,” &c.
Well, gentlemen (continued our melancholy friend), to
prevent this further trouble, and to keep, if possible, on
goods terms with my neighbour, I went, immediately on
receipt of his letter, and examined the drain in question;
resolving, at the same time, to do what he requested, or
rather commanded, if it could be done at a reasonable cost,
although I conceived that it was a matter with which I
had nothing to do. It was an affair of my landlord’s altogether,
I thought, especially as nothing had been said to me
about the drain when I took the house—at least nothing
that I recollected. However, as I have said, I determined,
for peace’s sake, to repair it in the meantime, and to take
my landlord in my own hand for restitution. On looking
at the drain, I found it indeed in a very bad state, and
immediately sent for a person skilled in such matters to
give me an idea of what might be the cost of putting it in
a proper order; and was informed that it might be put in
very good condition, in such a state as my neighbour could
not object to, for about fifty pounds. Now, gentlemen,
this was precisely equal to two years’ rent of my house,
and, I thought, rather too large a price to pay for the
good will of my neighbour; and I resisted, at the same
time referring him to my landlord. My landlord said he
had nothing to do with it, and that I must settle the affair
with Mr. T—— the best way I could. Well, I took advice
in the matter, for I thought it looked very like a conspiracy
against my simplicity and good nature; and was advised
by all means to resist. The result was, that my neighbour,
Mr. T——, immediately commenced a suit against me;
and, in my own defence, I was compelled to raise an action
of relief against my landlord; so that, when I returned to
town, I brought with me from my sweet, calm, peaceable
retirement, a couple of full blown law pleas of the most promising
dimensions. Who would have thought it—who would
have dreamt it—that, in this seclusion, this desert, as I may
call it, I should have got involved in such a world of troubles?
Well, gentlemen, what do you think was the result?
Why, both cases were given against me. In the one, I had to
pay costs—and in the other, to pay costs and repair the
drain too; and (added the melancholy gentleman with a
sigh) I am at this moment on my way to Edinburgh to pay
the last instalment of these ruinous and iniquitous claims.”
And, with this, the melancholy gentleman ended the sad
story of his sufferings.
We all pitied him from our hearts, and each in his own
way offered him the condolence that his case demanded.
He thanked us for the sympathy we expressed, and said
that he felt encouraged by it to ask our advice as to how
he should conduct himself in future, so as to obtain the
peace and quiet he so earnestly desired.
“What would you recommend me to do, gentlemen—where
would you advise me to go,” he said, in an imploring
and despairing tone—nay, we thought half crying—“to
escape this merciless and unprovoked persecution?”
We were all much affected by this piteous appeal, and
felt every desire to afford such counsel to our ill-used friend
as might be of service to him; but, while we did so, we
felt also the extreme difficulty of the case; for we did not
see by what possible line of conduct he could escape persecution,
if the very harmless and inoffensive one which
he had hitherto, of his own accord, adopted, had been found
ineffectual for his protection.
Indeed, it was the very, nay, the only one, which, a priori,
we would have recommended to him; but, as he had clearly
shown us that it was an ineffectual one, we really felt
greatly at a loss what to say; and, under this difficulty,
we all remained for some time thoughtful and silent. At
length, however, it was agreed amongst us, as the case was
a poser, that we should sleep on the matter, and in the
morning come prepared with such advice as our intervening
cogitations should suggest.
The melancholy gentleman again thanked us for the kind
interest we took in his unhappy case; adding, that he was
now so disheartened, so depressed in spirits, by the usage
he had met with, that he almost felt it an obligation to be
allowed to live.
As it was now wearing late, and our landlord had just
come in to announce that supper was ready, and would be
served up when ordered, we agreed to rest satisfied for the
night with the extempore autobiographies, as I may call
them, of our two worthy companions—the little hunch-backed
personage in the bright yellow waistcoat, and the
melancholy gentleman; but we, at the same time, resolved
that we would resume the same mode of entertainment on
the following evening, and continue it till every one had
contributed his quota.