A Parlour in Cozy Cottage, Brompton, (2nd
grooves) tastefully furnished; door of
entrance, R. 1 E.; door of Todd’s room,
L.1 E.; window, with curtains
drawn, C.
flat.—A large leather travelling case on
chair, R. C.; carpet
bag, hat case, bandboxes, and a pair of
boots on the floor; fishing rod, telescope,
and umbrellas scattered about the room, which exhibits
the disorder indicative of preparation for a journey.
A table, C., on which is
a writing desk, two candles lighted, a chamber
candlestick unlighted, and work basket. An
arm chair, L., with
concertina and case on it;—chairs R. and L. of table.
Mrs.
Todd and Perks the
maid servant are engaged packing the travelling case on
chair, R.
Mrs. T. There, there, that
will do. My pink satin dress there; my handkerchiefs; my
collars—
Perks. (snatching a pair of
Wellington boots from the floor) And here’s
master’s new boots, mum, can’t you make a tiny bit of
room for them between your lace cap and your Indian shawl?
Mrs. T. Perks, I’m
astonished at your suggesting such an association:—put them
in the carpet bag.
Perks. La, mum, there’s
not room for a tooth-pick in the carpet bag; how we’re ever
to get it’s jaws closed again I don’t know; and
there’s a dressing case, and a box of cigars, and a fishing
rod, and two umbrellas, a telescope and a pair of slippers, to be
put up yet!
Mrs. T. Where’s my
ugly? What can have happened it?
Todd
enters, L. 1 E., with a Bradshaw’s Guide in
his hand.
Todd. Here it is!
I’ve found it!
Mrs. T. (R.) My ugly?
Todd. (L.) No, my dear, our route.
I’ve been studying Bradshaw all the morning, and I find
that if we leave—page 49—I mean, if we leave the
Paddington—no—the Euston-square Station—at 7
o’clock, a.m., we can get by the Oxford Junction
to—to—page—(turning over the leaves)
page—page—no—that’s the Tilbury and
Southend Line. Ah! here it is!—we’re then to
take the express train to—to York—where we meet the
Midland Counties, you perceive, and then see—page
74—(turning over the leaves)
74—74—74—74—where there’s a branch
to the Eastern Counties that takes us to Norwich—and when
we get to Norwich there’s a junction that takes
us—somewhere—I don’t precisely know
where—but I have a strong reliance on Bradshaw.
Mrs. T. I wish you would put
down Bradshaw, Todd, and exert the limited powers with which
heaven has blessed you, and help me to pack and cord these
things—you leave everything for me to do.
Todd. My dear Laura,
there’s the difference between us—you’re
remarkable for physical energy—I for contemplative
repose. The study of Bradshaw fatigues one’s mind so.
(Perks, who has been clearing off
luggage, R., gets round at
back to L. and takes up
concertina from chair) Mind that concertina,
Perks—it’s the only instrument I play—(takes
it from her, C.), and having
devoted myself for six months to “My Mary Ann,” I
rather flatter myself I shall create an extraordinary sensation
amongst the foreign echoes this summer. (he commences
playing “My Mary Ann,” when a knock is
heard) Hah! who can this be?
Perks
crosses at back and exits, R. 1 E.
Mrs. T. I dare say my uncle
Croker—come to bid us good bye.
Todd. Your uncle, my dear, is
a very worthy man. I should feel bound to respect his
venerable hairs, if he had any left to respect, but that
hydropathic habit he has—of throwing cold water upon
everything—is very disagreeable.
Enter Choker, R. 1
E., followed by Perks, who collects some of the scattered
articles and carries them off, R. 1 E.
Mrs. T. (kissing Croker) My dear uncle! (Croker crosses to C.)
Todd. (L. shaking his hand) How
d’ye do, Croker? How are you? Never saw you
look so jolly in your life. (aside) Dismal as a
cherub on a tombstone! It was very kind of you to call; we
start on our tour in the morning, so you’re just in time to
see the last of us.
Crok. (
C.) The last of you! Ah, Samuel, I hope there
may be nothing prophetic in your words, but I have a melancholy
foreboding—
Mrs. T. (R.) For goodness sake, uncle,
don’t talk of melancholy forebodings—when we are
looking forward to the Continent.
Todd. Aye, what do you think
of six months amidst the classic scenes of Italy. Fancy
smoking a cigar on the summit of Vesuvius; think of dancing the
Tarantula amidst the ruins of Pompeii; imagine the delicious
maccaroni—and the lazzaroni—and all the other
oni’s. (forgetting himself) Picture to
yourself the indescribable rapture of floating on the moonlit sea
with a lovely creature beside you.
Mrs. T. (indignantly)
Mr. Todd!
Todd. (recollecting himself
crosses C. to Mrs. Todd) Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!
Of course my dear, I was thinking of you—idealizing you as
it were—in a poetic dream. (crosses back to L.) By the bye, Croker, is there
anything we can do for you abroad? We expect to be in
Boulogne to-morrow night.
Crok. (
C.) Well, I don’t wish to alarm you—but
I had once a dear friend who was lost in crossing to
Boulogne.
Todd. (L.) Lost! hem! dear me! But
with a good steamer you’re tolerably safe, I believe.
Crok. I’ve heard of
several appalling catastrophes to steamers. Now, if
you’d like to hear a few of them. (sits on L. of table, C.)
Mrs. T. (seated R. of table) Oh, dear,
no! Don’t trouble yourself, uncle.
Crok. The trouble is nothing;
it is to me always a melancholy pleasure to prepare my friends
for the worst.
Todd. (seated in arm chair,
L.) We’re very much
obliged to you—but we’d rather have it without
preparation.
Mrs. T. Do you know, uncle,
we purpose crossing the Alps into Italy?
Crok. It was but yesterday I
was reading of a party of six young Englishmen being buried
beneath an avalanche on the great St. Bernard.
Todd. Buried—alive?
Crok. Alive.
Todd. B—b—but it
don’t often happen, does it?
Crok. Continually, at this
season. Ask Albert Smith; he knows:—and what
is most distressing, they all leave large families—of
creditors to deplore their loss.
Todd. I’m not naturally
timid; but these things are sufficient to shake the stoutest
heart.
Crok. Take my advice, Samuel,
and stay in your own country. If you must travel—if
you must go to the seaside—have you not Gravesend,
Southend, and Mile-end?
Todd. Oh, but you know, if
one never moves from one’s native shore, one might as well
be born a muscle—or a barnacle!
Mrs. T. Besides, my dear
uncle, it’s now too late to alter our arrangements.
What would they say at Brompton if we went to Margate, with a
passport for Naples?
Crok. Have you considered the
practices of the Italian innkeepers, who skin an Englishman
alive, when they catch him?
Todd. I shan’t mind
that; I’ve undergone the operation so frequently in our own
happy country.
Crok. Then there’s the
danger of the roads. I don’t want to alarm you; but I
had a dear friend once, who was travelling with his young wife,
as you might be, to Naples—
Todd. To Naples?
Crok. To Naples—where
they were stopped in a lonely mountain road by brigands.
Todd. Did you
say—by—brigands?
Crok. Twenty of them—all armed
to the teeth. Their captain, a ferociously handsome-looking
scoundrel, clapped a carbine to my unfortunate friend’s
head—and—
Todd. (earnestly) Blew
out his brains?
Crok. All that heaven had
granted to him.
Todd. Atrocious wretch!
And your unfortunate friend’s wife—did they shoot her
too?
Crok. (solemnly)
No—no;—it’s a horrible tale!
Todd. (rises) Then
I’d rather not hear it. (crosses to C.) Laura, my dear; on reflection,
hadn’t we better confine our views to Margate, this
year?
Mrs. T. (rises) No,
Todd—no. I’ve made up my mind, and packed my
trunks for the Continent; and nothing on earth shall alter my
determination.
Todd. Of course not, my
dear—I’m fully aware of the steadiness of your
purpose; but might it not be prudent—a—that
is—a—advisable, to pause.
Mrs. T. You know, Todd, I
never pause. To-morrow morning, at six, we start! The
policeman has promised to ring our bell at five.
Todd. Then it’s
fixed. (Mrs. Todd goes up
R. and crosses at back to
L.)
Crok. (rises) Ah!
well,—if you will rush on your fate!—I must be going.
(C.) Good bye, Laura.
(embraces Mrs. Todd, L.)
Mrs. T. (L.) Good bye, dear uncle—good
bye!
Crok. Bless you both!
Hah! I wish you a pleasant journey, with all my heart. Keep
up your spirits, Samuel, man is born to misfortune. (crosses
to L., then turns to
Todd) I hope you’ve
settled your worldly affairs. Good bye—this may be
the last time we shall ever meet each other in this
world—but remember,—I tried to cheer you to the
last.
Todd. (dropping into chair
R. of table) Thank
you—you’ve made me very comfortable—very.
Exit Croker, R. 1
E.
Mrs. T. (C.) What a shocking raven my uncle
is!—He hasn’t frightened you, dear, has he?
Todd. (seated, R.) No—not to say,
frightened—but somehow I don’t feel that glowing
anticipation of our journey that I did this morning. Vague
apprehensions will intrude into the—vacant mind—and damp
one’s natural hilarity.
Mrs. T. Nonsense!
(lighting a chamber candlestick) You’d better
get to bed—and you’ll forget all these terrible
stories before morning. (crossing to R.)
Todd. (rises) Very
well—I’ll follow you in a few minutes, my dear.
Exit Mrs. Todd, with chamber candlestick,
R. 1 E.
Croker’s suggestion about arranging my worldly affairs
should not be neglected. (sits at L. of table and takes papers out of
writing-desk) I have some papers and documents here
which I must put in order before I depart for “that
undiscovered bourne from whence no traveller gets a return
ticket.” Pshaw! I must not let the dismal
forebodings of old Croker prey upon me! Now! think of it,
I’ll light one of those Turkish cigarettes, which my
friend, Captain Crasher, brought home from the East. He
tells me they’re prepared with opium and produce the most
tranquillizing effect on the spirits. (he takes a cigar case
from the table drawer and lights a cigarette) This I
hope will restore the serenity of my mind. Be a man, Todd!
be a man! Croker’s an ass! He and his stories
may go to the devil. (smoking and arranging his
papers) Humph! ha! pooh! capital weed! (taking up a
bundle of papers) What are these? “Accounts
settled.” Um! um! (puts them down and takes up
another parcel, turning them over) Mrs.
Todd’s letters to me when we were courting. Ah!
delicious smoke! A lock of her silken hair!
(smoking) How beautifully it curls! and this brown
sprig of myrtle, which she wore the night we vowed to love for
ever. Ha! we were green then! Her eyes remind me
of—(reading endorsement on another document)
“The last will and testament of Samuel Todd.”
Dear me! what a sudden chill the sight of this solemn instrument
brings over me. The paper looks so ghastly white, and the
ink so deadly black; that, gazing at it as I sit here, seems like
staring in the face of my own ghost. Pshaw!
I’ll not give way to these desponding fancies!
(smoking) By the bye, I may as well add a codicil to
my will. I’ve been thinking about it for some time;
no one can tell what may happen. Let me
see—(running over the will) “I give and
bequeath all
that and those”—um, um, um, um, um,
um—“three per cent. consols”—um, um,
um—“Shares in the”—um, um,
um—“bank stock, goods, and chattels, to my beloved
wife, Laura,”—um, um, um! Now for the codicil,
(writes) “Provided always, that if my said wife
shall survive me, and shall intermarry with a second husband, I
hereby revoke all and every of the bequests hereinbefore
contained.” That’s only justice! If it
was my misfortune to be left a gay widower—would I marry
again? never! At least, not until I had reflected
seriously—and—pooh! Deliciously soothing this
cigarette!—not until, I had weighed in my
mind,—the—delightful aroma, and the—object
however lovely, with—the memory of the dear
departed,—and the natural—weakness
of—of—my head—no—my heart—and
conjugal affection.—I’m coming—my
dear—com—ing!
Music—The cigarette falls from his lips,
and he sinks fast asleep with his head on the desk before
him. Lights down, and the scene gradually
changes—Todd sinking
through stage, with tables and chairs.
A Ruined Palace in the Abruzzi. An apartment
in a dilapidated castle, still exhibiting traces of having
been once occupied by persons of taste and
opulence.—The hangings are faded and torn,
and the pictures falling from their tarnished frames;
some articles of antique furniture are mingled with others of
a new and modern fashion; table up stage, L. C., laid for supper, and a
lighted lamp on it; chairs, R. and L.; open window with balcony at
back, C., with moonlight
view beyond; doors, L. 2
and 3 E. and R. 2 and 3 E..
Marietta
discovered alone, looking out on balcony at
back.
Mari. Not a living creature
to be seen; not a sound to be heard but the chirping of the
cicalas amongst the pine trees, (comes down, C.) Heigho!—what a lonely
life is mine! no better than a prisoner in this desolate old
house in the mountains, seeing nobody but my uncle Jacopo and his
frightful followers, except when they happen to bring in some
unlucky traveller, who has fallen into their hands.
Enter Todd, L. 2 E.,
he is dressed in mourning, and wears a black hatband
round a high-crowned Italian peasant’s hat; he has a
brace of pistols stuck in a broad girdle, and a concertina
slung over his shoulder.
What would I give for a companion in my solitude!
Todd. (advancing, L.) Then behold one here, most
interesting aborigines, (plays a few bars of “My
Mary Anne,” out of tune) Excuse the
failure;—my heart is true, though my instrument be
false.
Mari. Pray who are you?
Todd. A man of woes and
mystery; carrying about with him a broken heart, and a concertina
to match. (plays a few false chords on his concertina)
Mari. A stranger?
Todd. A weeping stranger from
a foreign land!
Samuel Todd, it is my name;
Britain is my nation,
Brompton is my dwelling place,
And Naples my destination.
That’s my passport in elegiac verse!
Mari. (curtseys) Your
humble servant, Signor Toddini.
Todd. (aside) Signor
Toddini! I like Toddini—and I’ll stick to
it.
Mari. Travelling in search of
health, Signor?
Todd. No, in search of
pleasure; my wife’s dead—my adored Laura (plays a
few lively notes) who was suddenly snatched from these
widowed arms three months since, in the bay of Genoa.
Mari. (R.) Ah! drowned?
Todd. (L.) Drowned—drowned—no
more. Neptune, envious of my happiness robbed me of my
earthly treasure—still, I don’t complain of
Neptune—no, I forgive him from my heart.
Mari. But what accident has
directed you to this secluded mansion, signor?
Todd. The strangest one in
the world; you must know I rode out from Naples this morning to
visit a celebrated ruin in this neighbourhood;—I’m
fond of ruins, when they’re in a perfect state! I was
mounted on my guide, while a mule carried my umbrella—no,
I’m wrong, I was mounted on my umbrella, while the guide
carried the mule—no, I’m wrong again—for
’twas the mule carried me. Well, I was riding
along enjoying myself wonderfully, thinking of my lost Laura,
when, bang came a bullet through my hat! (takes off his hat
and puts his finger through a hole in the side) There!
(goes up and lays his hat on chair L. of table)
Mari. (laughing,
aside) My uncle’s usual way of requesting
travellers to stop.
Todd. In the agitation of the
moment I unconsciously drew a pistol from my belt—it went
off spontaneously—I heard an awful groan.
Mari. A groan?
Todd. A groan that made me
tumble from my mule and roll down a tremendous precipice by the
roadside:—a torrent roared at the bottom, in which I should
have inevitably finished my tour, if my concertina had not
luckily got entangled in the roots of an old tree, where I hung
nearly strangled till evening, when I managed to extricate myself
and crawl through the wood, until I found a path, which led me to
this hospitable abode.
Mari. Then you have no idea
where you are?
Todd. Not the remotest; but I
can always make myself at home wherever I go. You
don’t live quite alone in this tumble-down old place?
Mari. No, I have an uncle,
who resides here.
Todd. Oh! (half
aside) A joint proprietor with the rats and owls.
And what is this uncle of yours, my dear?
Mari. Hem! he has something
to do with taxes on the road.
Todd. I know:—a
collector of Highway Rates. One of the family used to call
regularly upon me at Cozy Cottage, Brompton. The fellow
used to bring the Gas and the Sewers with him, and when the
Sewers came, I was certain the Thames Water Company was not far
off. Your name, sweet flower?
Mari. Marietta.
Todd. Marietta! Do you
know, Marietta, you bear a striking resemblance to my lost
Laura—you have her eyes exactly, only yours are
darker—the same nose, only yours differs in shape—the
same mouth, only yours is smaller.
Mari. (laughing, aside)
A ridiculous creature! but I must try and get him out of the
trap, into which he has unconsciously walked. Signor, you
must not remain here. If my uncle returns and finds you, it
may be worse for you, and where to put you for the night I
don’t know. Hah! I have it:—you shall
sleep in the fowl house—there (points through window at
back) on the opposite side of the garden.
Todd. The fowl house!
You could never think of putting me to bed amongst the cocks and
hens, consider my feelings. Bless me! what a look of my
lost Laura! (aside) I feel I’m on the brink of
an adventure!
Mari. There’s some
fresh pea straw in the corner, on which you can lie.
Todd. (aside) This
tender solicitude for my comfort proves she loves me.
Jacopo. (in his chamber,
R. 3 E.) Marietta!
Mari. My uncle! He has
awakened from his evening sleep, and is coming here.
Todd. The
collector!—Perhaps I’d better retire with my emotions
to my pea straw.
Mari.
Yes—yes—make haste. By this door, (showing
him to door, L. 3 E.) down stairs and across the
garden.
Todd. Adieu, too lovely
native. Ah! pea straw with those we love. (begins to
play concertina)
Jaco. (without, R. 3 E.) Marietta!
(Todd
rushes off precipitately, L.
3 E.; Marietta pretends to busy herself about
household matters)
Enter Jacopo Terreboli, R. 3 E.
Jaco. (entering)
Marietta! The girl can hear no voice, but her own.
(yawns) Aw! Awh! I’ve had rather a
long nap—what’s the hour, Marietta?
Mari. (up, L.) The moon has just risen,
uncle.
Jaco. (R.) And Grimbaldi not returned yet.
(whistle outside, at back) Hah! there they
come. Go and open the door, niece.
Marietta
exits, 2 E. R.
St. Nicholas, send us some luck! For the last three
weeks there hasn’t been a traveller between Itri and Naples
worth stopping, till this morning, when I had a crack at a fellow
mounted on a mule, who looked as if his pockets were
well lined; but he must have been the devil, for he disappeared
like a stone in a lake, after lodging a bullet in
Giuseppe’s shoulder.
Re-enter Marietta, R. 2
E., followed by Mrs. Todd and Grimbaldi, with a Brigand carrying luggage.
Mari. (as she enters)
My uncle, signora.
Grim. (R.) The noble and excellent Signor
Jacopo Terreboli, who will be proud to offer your excellency the
hospitalities of his princely mansion.
Mrs. T. (C., aside and
looking round the apartment) First appearances are not
much in favour of the mansion,—or its master. (curtseys
to Jacopo)
Signor—a—
Grim. (R.) Jacopo Terreboli.
Mrs. T. (C.) I fear I am intruding.
Jaco. (bowing, L.) By no means, signora. I
am never more happy than when distinguished ladies like yourself
honour me by a visit. You are travelling, I perceive.
Mrs. T. Yes, on my journey to
Naples, in search of my husband, when my vetturino was overturned
at the foot of the hill.
Jaco. Accidents do frequently
happen to carriages at that particular spot. But my
band—ahem! my servants were at hand to render you
assistance, signora?
Mrs. T. I never received
greater attention in my life. That gentleman took charge of
my luggage—and
this—gentleman—(designating Grimbaldi)
Jaco. (L.) My major-domo! (Grimbaldi, R.,
bows profoundly)
Mrs. T. Gave himself the
trouble to secure my watch, rings, and other valuables.
Grim. A—hem!
Don’t mention it. The trouble was a pleasure.
Jaco. (crossing to Grimbaldi) I’ll be accountable
for their safe keeping, signora. (putting them into his
pockets, as Grimbaldi
hands them over to him) Your luggage shall also be
taken care of.
He makes a sign to the Brigand, who has remained up stage,
R., and who carries off the
luggage, R. 2 E.
Mrs. T. (C., aside) Not to say
handsome, but prodigiously polite!
Jaco. (R.
C.) Pray be seated, signora.
Mrs. T. Thank you; but I am
anxious to procure some means of pursuing my journey.
Jaco. (R.
C.) Impossible to-night!
Grim. (R.) Quite impossible!
Jaco. To-morrow we can talk
about it. You must pardon our rough housekeeping; but my
niece, Marietta, will wait upon you. (Marietta, L.,
curtseys) Marietta! go and fetch the signora’s
travelling bag; she will honour us by taking a bed here
to-night.
Marietta
crosses at back to R.,
and in action expostulates with Jacopo—then goes off, R. 2 E.
Mrs. Todd. (L. C., aside) A perfect
gentleman!
Jaco. (R.
C.) You said you were travelling in search of your
husband, signora; may I inquire how you came to be separated?
Mrs. T. Well, it’s a
strange story. Mr. Todd and myself, wishing for a little
continental air, set out on a foreign tour last spring, and got
as far as Genoa, where we saw the mole;—but it’s no
more like a mole than I am:—and nothing would serve Todd
but we should have a sail on the bay, though he knew the sea
always upset me—and it did upset me—it upset
us all—for our boat was overturned by a squall, and I
should inevitably have died an amphibious death, if I had not
clung instinctively to life;—and a vigorous sailor, who
swam—and swam—and swam, until we were fortunately
picked up by the boat of a steamer, bound to Marseilles, where I
was safely landed.
Jaco. And your
husband?—
Mrs. T. I learned that he too
had been saved; but imagining I had met a watery end, he went
into mourning for my loss, and to divert his melancholy, had
continued his tour. I immediately set off for Italy, and
succeeded in tracing him to Naples, where I was going
when—
Jaco. That fortunate accident
happened to your carriage.
Mrs. T. Fortunate?
Jaco. Undoubtedly,
signora—since it has procured me the pleasure of your
company.
Grim. (up, R.) Ho, ho, ho! (Jacopo gives him a stem look) ha, ha,
ha, ha! (aside)
Mrs. T.
(curtseys—aside) Uncommonly well bred,
(a whistle is heard at a distance,
outside—Mrs. Todd goes
up stage, L.)
Grim. (coming down, R., and speaking apart to Jacopo) Here’s something
up! The steward of a rich Englishman is expected to pass
this way to-night.
Jaco. (R. apart to Grimbaldi) Ha! he must not be
neglected. I’ll just fetch my pistols and follow you
directly. (to Mrs. Todd)
Addio, signora! A little business calls me away; but I
shall soon return. Your chamber is in that corridor
(points to L. 2 E.) First door on the
right—addio! (kisses her hand) Ha, ah!
Mrs. T. Good night,
signor. I accept your hospitality gratefully for this
night; to-morrow morning I resume my journey.
Jaco. Oh! you must not think
of leaving us so soon; none of our friends do—they feel
themselves so happy here.
Exit, R. 3 E. Grimbaldi then makes several awkward
bows, and exit R. 2
E.
Mrs. T. There’s
something I don’t quite like in this house, and the people
about it. I never saw a more ill-looking person than that
major-domo; the way they took possession of my trunks, and
trinkets—good gracious! if they should be brigands! (she
looks about the room, and runs to door, L. 3 E.,
which she opens, goes in and returns
immediately) No more doubt—I’m in a
robber’s den! That room is full of plunder and
arms! What is to become of me? That dreadful
man—his looks—his words—Oh! I must
endeavour to escape at all hazards—better wander all night
in the forest than remain another moment in this fearful
place.
She is crossing to R., when Marietta enters, R. 2 E.,
with carpet bag.
Ah, the girl!
Mari. (R.
C.) Here’s your carpet bag, signora. (puts
it down, R.) Bless me!
how pale and agitated you look. (aside) Can she have
discovered!
Mrs. T. (L.
C., aside) She speaks and looks kindly, and
may assist me. Marietta, I know all—I have looked
into that room—and I have seen—
Mari. (alarmed) Hush,
hush—my uncle!
Mrs. T. It is to escape from
him that I implore your assistance.
Mari. Impossible,
signora. My uncle never goes out that he don’t lock
all the doors after him.
Mrs. T. But there are
windows, Marietta, and here is one. (going towards it,
is withheld by Marietta)
Mari.
Stop—stop!—Would you kill yourself! Hah!
I have it! There is a rope ladder here, (going into
room, L. 3 E., and returning with a rope
ladder) By means of this ladder you can descend into
the garden, and remain concealed there till daylight enables you
to gain the high road, (fixing rope ladder to balcony,
C.)
Mrs. T. (L.
C.) Thanks, thanks, ten thousand thanks, generous
Marietta! Let me not lose a moment.
Mari. (R.
C.) There’s no need to be in a hurry—my
uncle never comes home till past midnight. You must have
supper before you go.
Mrs. T. (L.) How kind of you, how very
kind—but perhaps one day I may be able to show my
gratitude.
Mari. (R.) Don’t mention it.
How surprised my uncle will be when he finds you’re gone.
(putting bottle of wine and two glasses on
table—a whistle is heard outside) What
whistle is that? Don’t be alarmed, I’ll go and
look out.
Exit hastily, R. 2 E.
Mrs. T. (taking up hat from
chair L. of table)
What an extraordinary hat! (looks in it and perceives name
written inside) Good heavens! what name is this written
inside. “Samuel Todd, Brompton.” Oh, my
husband! My Samuel! Can he be here. What
terrible mystery have I to learn. (puts hat on chair,
R. C.)
Re-enter Marietta, hastily, R. 2 E.
Mari. Oh! Signora,
’tis my uncle! Conceal yourself in this room.
(opens door, L. 3 E.) Here—here!—make
haste!—He’s on the stairs!
Mrs. T. Ah! (Mrs. T. runs into the room, L. 3 E.
Marietta closes the
door.)
Then enter Jacopo Terreboli, R. 2. E.
Jaco. (R.
C.) The fellow has escaped us by taking another
road. Hah! Marietta—not abed yet?
Mari. (L.) Not yet, uncle; I was waiting
for—
Jaco. Waiting for who?
Mari. (hesitating)
For—nobody—uncle.
Jaco. Marietta, you
can’t deceive me—you have had some one here.
Mari. Indeed, uncle, I have
not.
Jaco. (goes to window,
and perceives ladder of ropes)
Hah!—What’s this? A very pretty
contrivance—I suppose, when love can’t get in at the
door, he flies in at the window—and here are his wings,
(holding the rope ladder to view) And this hat.
(taking it off chair, R.
C.) Pretty, innocent creature! He’s
here, then.—(Marietta clasps
her hands) Humph! Surely I have seen this hat
somewhere—Ha! this morning—and it was the devil who
then wore it—or an Englishman! (Marietta drops on her knees,
crying) Here’s the hole made by my
bullet.—I’m not angry, girl—you’ve
trapped the fellow I want—get up, and tell me where
you’ve got him.
Mari. (L.
C.) I c—c—r—can’t
uncle—he’s gone!
Jaco. (R.
C.) Gone! Maladetta! Take care how you
trifle with me.—(Todd is
heard playing his concertina outside the window, at
back)
Mari. Hah! (starts from
her knees aside)—’Tis that unlucky stranger!
Jaco. After all, the bird has
only fluttered a little way off.—(to Marietta) Go to the balcony.
Mari. Uncle!
Jaco. To the balcony!
Your lover calls!
Mari. But he is
not—
Jaco. Silence! and obey me?
(Marietta goes to the balcony,
C. The concertina ceases
playing) Well?
Mari. (up C.) He perceives me and kisses his
hand.
Jaco. (L.
C.) Kiss your’s in return.
Mari. But, uncle—
Jaco. (sternly) I
command! (Marietta kisses her
hand)
Mari. Ah! he is going to
mount the ladder, (she retires from the window)
Jaco. (L.C.) Good!—now observe
me. You must receive this man as if I were not
present—invite him to supper, and make him sit in that
chair. (pointing to chair R.
C.; Marietta curtseys
submissively; Jacopo crosses
to R.) I shall have my
eye upon you.
Todd. (outside balcony, C.) This is a terrific ascent!
(Jacopo
retires into room, R. 3
E. and observes what passes
through the half-open door; Todd
is seen slowly coming into view, outside the
balcony, C.; he has a red
handkerchief tied round his head)
Todd. Beautiful native!
You see I am here again! (gets in at window, and
falls) Excuse me presenting myself in this
miscellaneous manner—my appearance may be startling; but, I
trust not, repugnant. The fact is, I couldn’t get a
wink of sleep in the fowl-house—the cocks and the
hens—the turkeys, and other lively insects, disturbed me
so, that I forsook my pea-straw and strolled into the garden,
where I beheld you at your window, and discovered the ladder you
had placed.
Mrs.
Todd shows herself at door, L. 3 E.
Mari. (R.) Preposterous fool!
Todd. (L.
C.) In my country, ever since the invention of
doors, the practice of entering a house by the window has been
confined to thieves, cats, and lovers; (tenderly) need I
say, it was in the character of the last-named interesting
quadruped, I risked my neck in the most perilous performance I
ever attempted on the slack-rope. (Mrs.
Todd makes a gesture of astonishment; up
stage, L.) Sweet
Marietta! How I admire that name! It’s much
prettier than Laura. What’s your opinion of
Samuel? Do you think, in the ardent simplicity of your
exalted nature, you could love a Samuel—or a Sam—or a
Sammy, for instance?
Mari. Never! (sees
Jacopo, R. 3 E.,
who holds up his finger threateningly) Hem!
I—can’t say—perhaps, after supper. You
have not supped?
Todd. Not in the wildest
dreams of my imagination.
Mari. You shall sup with me,
then. Sit down there. (points to chair R. of table)
Todd. With the greatest
pleasure.
Mrs.
Todd retires and closes door, L. 3 E. Marietta runs out, R. 2 E.
Supper!—and I’m actually going to sup
tête à tête with an angel, in this
picturesque but dilapidated mansion. What would they say at
Brompton if they could see me? Hah! they
won’t believe me, though—when I tell
them—they’ll say it was an Arabian Night’s
entertainment. Ha! ha! ha! Poor fools! that’s
the way they always sneer at travellers. (sniffs) As
if that delicious odour of something uncommonly nice which
assails my nostrils could be a dream.
Re-enter Marietta, R. 2
E., with a tureen containing
stew.
Mari. Here it is. (places
it on table, and crosses at back to L. of table) You ought to
have a good appetite.
Mrs.
Todd re-appears at door, L. 3. E.
Todd. (sits R. of table) Ah!
I’ve the appetite of a Board of Aldermen! (Marietta helps him to some of the
stew) And this stew is really so tempting!
I’ll make no apology. (eats greedily) Never
tasted anything so savory. Game—eh?
Delicious! How d’ye make it? Infinitely
superior to my lost Laura’s giblet pie! What a
flavour! Ah! this is happiness! I’ll take
another spoonful, if you please. Hah! I begin to feel
I’m a lonely cockle on life’s dull shore.
(while he eats with his head
bent over his plate, Jacopo,
who has come into the apartment, R., motions Marietta away; she crosses quietly
at back to R. and exits,
R. 2 E. Jacopo then takes her place L. of table. Mrs. Todd retires as Jacopo appears)
Todd. (still eating, not
perceiving Jacopo)
Hah! I never thought to love again—you put tomatoes
in your stew?—but from the moment I beheld these lovely
features, the image of my lost Laura has been growing fainter and
fainter in my bosom—like a faded
daguerreotype—mushrooms, I perceive—and when I gaze
on that beauteous face—(he lifts his eyes, and
seeing Jacopo looking sternly
at him, he remains transfixed with terror, holding
in the air the spoon he was conveying to his mouth)
Jacopo. (after a
pause) Proceed with your compliment, signor.
Todd.
I—I—I—beg
pardon—the—the—Collector, I presume.
Jacopo. (brusquely)
The master of this house.
Todd. Oh! indeed!
(aside) Todd, you are a dead mackarel!
Jaco. You tremble.
Todd. Oh, dear no, not at all.
Ha, ha, ha! Merely a slight shiver—the
evening’s rather cool.
Jaco. Drink then,
’twill warm you. (pours out wine for Todd)
Todd. (takes the glass and puts
it down again—aside) It may be poisoned!
(with affected indifference) Thank you, I’m
not thirsty.
Jaco. Then I am. (fills
for himself, and drinks)
Todd. (aside) He
drinks himself. There can be no danger. On second
thoughts, I’ll do myself the honour of drinking your
health. (drinks)
Jaco. Right.
(aside) Now we may speak without reserve, and first
to introduce myself, (rises and bows) I’m Jacopo
Terreboli at your service!
Todd. Terreboli! That
desperate robber and cut-throat! I—I—beg
pardon—I didn’t mean to—(rising)
Jaco. Make no apologies,
signor, I’m the identical individual;—sit down and
finish your supper.
Todd. Thank you, my
appetite’s gone, and if you’ve no objection,
I’d rather follow it.
Jaco. (fiercely) Sit
down! (Todd drops into his
chair) Now we can proceed to business. (placing
pistols on table, and playing with dagger, Todd turns muzzle of pistols from
him)
Todd. (apart) Private
and confidential assassination!
Jaco. Why don’t you
drink? (pours out wine) Every brave man drinks.
Todd. You think I’m
brave? (drinks)
Jaco. You’re a
devil! And yet how we may be deceived by
appearances—to judge by your looks—I should say you
were a coward.
Todd. (aside) Nature
writes a plain hand!
Jaco. But I know that in that
breast beats the heart of a lion.
Todd. (aside) He means
a mouse—the smallest of mice.
Jaco. Never saw anything like
your coolness this morning, when you were attacked.
Todd. It was you then,
who—
Jaco. (takes up Todd’s hat) Made this
hole in your hat. I meant to have made a bole in your
head—half an inch lower, and the bullet would have been
through your brain.
Todd. (aside) Calculating
miscreant!
Jaco. How steadily you must
have aimed to hit Guiseppe in the shoulder—and then the
wonderful manner you escaped when a dozen carbines were levelled
at you filled me with admiration and astonishment.
Todd. Not more than it did
me.
Jaco. But I don’t bear
you malice, and prefer being your friend, (gives his hand,
which Todd takes in evident
alarm across table)
Todd. I’m very much
obliged to you—very.
Jaco. To come to the point,
you love my niece?
Todd. (aside)
He’s laying a trap for me.—Oh! dear, no, not in the
slightest—I give you my word!
Jaco. Then what the devil
brings you here? How is it you have entered my house, in my
absence, like a thief? (points to window) Answer me
that. (touches his pistol)
Todd. (rising) Good
gracious! don’t get so frightfully excited. I
certainly came to—to—ha, ha, ha, ha! to take
tea—with your niece, Marietta—a very amiable—in
fact, I may say, a most charming creature;—not in the least
like you.
Jaco. Your attentions have
compromised her honour, signor, and you must make reparation by
marrying her.
Todd. Marrying! Do I
clearly understand you? (both come forward, C.);
Jaco. Clearly; I have been
long seeking for a man of coolness and courage, as a husband for
Marietta. When you become my nephew, you shall be second in
command to myself in the band.
(Grimbaldi is seen peeping in at door,
R. 2 E., and listening)
Todd. (R.
C.) Gracious powers! Have I been growing up at
Cozy Cottage to be the nephew of a brigand? What would they
say at Brompton to that?
Jaco. (L.
C.) Do you accept my offer? (handling his pistols
which Todd turns away)
Todd.
No—yes—can’t I have a little time to
reflect?
Jaco. (crosses to R.) Certainly—five minutes;
not a moment longer; I have a priest at hand to perform the
ceremony.
Grimbaldi
disappears.
I’ll go and apprise Marietta of her approaching
happiness!
Exit Jacopo, R. 2
E.
Todd. In five minutes—in five
short minutes I shall either be married or shot!—ha! ha!
ha! ha! I must nerve myself for the tremendous alternative!
(goes up to table, sits R.
C., and pours out wine—drinks)
Grimbaldi re-appears at door, R. 2 E.,
and goes quietly up stage, until he stands at the elbow
of Todd, R.
After all, the girl adores me; she is uncommonly pretty; and
if I can only bring home a tame brigandess to Brompton, what will
they say?
Grim. Hum!
Todd. (starts)
Another! where the devil do they all come from?
Grim. You are going to marry
Marietta?
Todd. Well, suppose I
am—suppose I intend making that superior young person my
wife?
Grim. And suppose I intend
making her your widow?
Todd. (L.
C.) My widow! There’s a dark ferocity in
your words that exactly matches your countenance. I
remember having seen you in wax at Madame Tussaud’s.
What is it you contemplate?
Grim. (R.) Vengeance! (crosses to
L.) The man who robs me of
Marietta, shall never survive the wedding night!
Todd. (R.
C.) What an atrocious idea!—but you
can’t be serious?
Grim. (drawing his
stiletto) Feel the point of that stiletto!
Todd. No, no!—I can
perfectly imagine the sharpness of your Italian irony!
Grim. Hist! they’re
coming. Remember—if you marry her—
Lifts his stiletto threateningly
and exit, L. 2 E., as Jacopo and Marietta enter, R. 2 E.
Jaco. (R.
C.) Well, signor, are you ready to accept my
niece?
Todd. Why—a—I may
say—I have no personal objection—(looks at
her—aside) Positively beautiful!—But
there’s a party—
Mari. (R., putting her fingers to her
lips) Hush!
Todd. (L.
C.) Oh!—ah! (to Jacopo) Allow me to speak a few words
to Marietta.
Jacopo
makes a gesture of assent, and exits, R. 3 E.
I’ve seen the party.
Mari. Ah! well;—what
did he say?
Todd. He said he’d take
my life, if I married you.
Mari. Then I dare say
he’ll keep his word.
Todd. Do you really think
so?—By his countenance I’d judge him capable of any
atrocity.
Mari. What do you mean?
I’m sure he’s much handsomer than you!
Todd. Infatuated
female! Perhaps you love him?
Mari. I do.
Todd. You do. And
me?
Mari. I hate you.
Todd. Then you will decline
to marry me?
Mari. I must not disobey my
uncle;—’tis you who must reject me.
Todd. Impossible! your
respected relative will put a bullet through my head if I
refuse.
Mari. And I’ll poison
you if you consent.
Re-enter Jacopo, R. 3
E., and Grimbaldi, L.
2 E.
Jaco. (coming down, R. C.) Well, have you decided,
signor?
Todd. (looking, from one
to the other—aside)
Poison!—pistol!—dagger! It don’t matter
much how they dispose of me. (in a tragic tone)
Yes! Let fate do its worst—my mind’s made up.
(crosses to Marietta, R. C., and takes her hand) I
take Marietta—with all her fatal consequences.
Jaco. (getting at back to
R.) Bravo! Grimbaldi,
this is the gallant stranger I have chosen for a husband for
Marietta—welcome him as a comrade and a brother! (Grimbaldi looks at Todd with a fierce scowl and approaches
to embrace him—Todd in
evident alarm tries to avoid him)
Grim. (L. apart while he embraces Todd) Vengeance!
Todd. (C. staggering with affright,
supports himself on Marietta’s shoulder)
Murder!
Jaco. (R.) I see you are growing
impatient.
Todd. Oh, no! not at all—not in
the least. Hadn’t we better postpone the awful
ceremony?
Jaco. (crosses at back and
down, L.
C.—angrily) No!
Todd. Oh!
I—I—only thought—the sudden
shock—of—so much—happiness—might be too
severe for her—for me. (Jacopo
touches his pistol with a menacing look) Oh!
Come, Marietta! (offers his arm to Marietta, and sees Grimbaldi threatening him with his
stiletto) Let us proceed—to execution!
Exit Todd, leaning on Marietta, followed by Jacopo and Grimbaldi, threatening, R. 2 E.
Re-enter Mrs. Todd from door, L. 3 E.
Mrs. T. What a discovery I
have made! Samuel, my husband, who I fondly fancied passed
his nights watering his lonely pillow with his tears, and his
days in writing elegies to the memory of a beloved wife, to have
forgotten me so soon. Not three months a widower, and the
unconscionable wretch has ideas of entering the marriage state
again. I flattered myself my system of matrimonial
discipline would have deterred him from a repetition of such
folly. But some men are never to be taught. How he
got into this house, I can’t imagine—but the object
of his visit is apparent; he comes to make love to the
Signor’s niece—a pastime that I shall take the
liberty of interrupting.
Re-enter Grimbaldi, R.
2 E.
Grim. I can’t stand it
any longer. Diavolo! I had a good mind
(threatening with dagger) but Terreboli’s eye was
upon me, and I durst not move a finger.
Mrs. T. (L.) You seem agitated—what
has happened?
Grim. (R. gloomily) Oh, nothing!
but—torture!—she is married!
Mrs. T. Who’s
married?
Grim.
She—she—Marietta—married—to—ten
thousand fiends!
Exit in a state of
desperation, R. 3 E.
Mrs. T. Married to ten
thousand fiends! I wish I could find my little
fiend—stop—stop—explain yourself.
Exit after Grimbaldi, R.
3 E,
Re-enter Todd, leading Marietta from R. D. 2 E.;
he hands her across stage to L.
D. 2 E. and she
exits, slamming door in his face.
Todd. It’s all
over! The desperate deed is done—I’m
married—married—married! To be sure
that’s an accident to which our weak sex is continually
exposed; but, to be married to a lovely rattlesnake, and be in
danger of my life from a ferocious rival—that’s
horrible! (calling at door, L. 2 E.) Marietta! Perhaps
she’ll relent now she’s my wife! If she only
listens to me. Marietta! (tries door and finds it
fastened) She’s fastened the door! (speaking
through the keyhole) Marietta! my angel!
Re-enter Mrs. Todd, R.
3 E.
Mrs. T. (R., sees Todd) ’Tis he!
Todd. (speaking through
keyhole, L. 2 E.) One word! one little word, from
those sweet lips, (to himself) No answer? Put
one of those brilliant eyes to the keyhole, and observe me
(takes chair, and sits opposite door) kneeling on
my knees before your door, and swearing never to quit this
painful posture till you take pity on me.
Mrs. T. (coming down a
little R., aside)
Traitor!
Todd. ’Tis I—your
adoring Toddini!
Mrs. T. (aside)
Villain!
Todd. You
know—you’re the only woman I ever loved!
Mrs. T. (shouting)
Samuel!
Todd. (starting up, and
retreating, L.) Gracious
powers! that voice—you’re not?—
Mrs. T. I am.
Todd. My lost Laura?
Mrs. T. (R.) Your living wife!
Todd. (L.) Impossible! You know
you’re dead—you’re the late Mrs.
Todd—you’re a blest shade.
Mrs. T. (goes up to him and
leads him down stage by the ear, then slaps his
cheek) Will that convince you?
Todd. Material
evidence! I’m wrong! That rap was not a
spirit’s. You are my lamented Laura—to
whose memory I ordered such a lovely monument to be erected in
Kensal Green, that you’ll regret you’re not dead when
you see it.
Mrs. T. (R.) Tell me directly, sir—to
whom were you speaking?
Todd. (L.) Hush! She’s there.
(pointing to door, L. 2
E.)
Mrs. T. Who?
Todd. Marietta.
Mrs. T. Marietta!
Ha!—the girl! She was married this evening—to
whom?—speak—to whom?
Todd. Forgive me, my beloved
Laura.—How shall I tell you—how shall I shock your
strict sense of propriety when you hear that your unfortunate
Samuel—the husband of your bosom—and the
father—I mean the prospective father of your
children—is—is—look at me—much injured
woman—and behold a perfect specimen
of—of—a—
Mrs. T. Monster!
Todd. Monster’s the
word! A man with two wives must be a monster; but I’m
an innocent monster!
Mrs. T. Wretch! Was not
one good one enough for you? Where is the creature?
(attempting to cross to L.
D., is withheld by Todd)
Todd.
Don’t—don’t. She’s a
rattlesnake!
Enter at the same moment
Marietta from L. 2 E.,
and Jacopo from R. 2 E.
Jaco. (R.) What’s the matter
now?
Todd. (C.) Don’t ask
particulars. Suffice to know that nature intended me for a
bridegroom; but fate has made me a double-wived monster.
Mrs. T. (L.
C.) The wretch speaks the truth—I am his
lawful wife.
Jaco. How! And he has
married my niece! (takes a pistol from his belt)
Todd. But I’m
innocent—why don’t you speak, Mrs. Todd—you
know I’m innocent, my love.
A Brigand enters hastily, R. 2 E.
Brig. (R.) Captain, the soldiers are
approaching on all sides!
Jaco. (R.) Cospetto! Then we must
fly; but first set fire to the house on all sides—they
shall only find a heap of ashes when they come.
Todd. Come, my adored Laura.
(he offers his arm to Mrs.
Todd, L. C., who turns
away scornfully)
Mrs. T. (crossing to R.) Good night—for ever!
Exit, R. D. 2 E.
Todd. (offering his arm to
Marietta, L.) Come, Marietta.
Marietta
turns away angrily, and crossing, R., exits, R. D. 2 E.
Ungrateful sex—after marrying them both! (taking
Jacopo’s arm, R.) Come, signor; let us fly
together!
Jaco. (R.) No, you remain here.
Points pistol at him, and
exits, R. D. 2 E.
Todd. Hold!
You’re never going to roast me alive—to leave me to
grill my own bones. Hollo! this is murder. Ho!
Somebody! Help! Is there no way of escape? (runs
to the several doors—opens them, and
discovers fire in each) Hoh! Police!
Police! Help! I’m beginning to singe
already! Oh! if I had had the luck to be born a
salamander! Oh! Hah! a thought—the rope ladder
from the window—that way is open!
(goes towards window,
when Grimbaldi appears
outside on the ladder, menacing Todd with his stiletto)
Ah! (staggers back)
Grim. I told you I would be
revenged! I’ve kept my word! Ha, ha, ha,
ha!
Todd. Remorseless demon!
(Grimbaldi disappears, and flames
appear at the back through window)
Todd. Oh! (drops into
chair, C.) I shall be
broiled alive! phew! I’m stifled! help! murder!
(starts up again) Hoh! water! water! air! oh! two
wives! two—too much—ooh! h—he—lp!
(the smoke appears to fill the
room, and conceals him from the view of the audience;
after a short interval the smoke clears gradually away;
the Scene sinks, and changes to)
Todd’s Parlour in Cozy
Cottage.—(Same as Scene I.)
Todd is discovered asleep,
as at the close of the first scene; the candles which
were then long, have burnt down in the sockets.
Todd. Call the police! call
the fire brigade! help! help! murder!—two
wives—Marietta—Mrs.
Todd—murder—bigamy—
Enter Mrs. Todd hastily, (dressed as in
Scene I.) R. 1 E.
Mrs. T. Samuel, my dear,
what’s the matter?
Todd. Murder!
Cospetto! Maladetta!
Mrs. T. Why, Samuel, Samuel!
(shaking him) You’re
asleep—waken—will you—you’ve slept here
all night.
Todd. (starts up and staggers
about) Hoh!
help—police—fire—water—she’s a
rattlesnake—a fiend—a
demon—a—Lau—Laura—
Mrs. T. (holding and shaking
him) Todd—Todd—Samuel!
Todd. (becoming conscious and
rubbing his eyes) Hoh! what? Bless me! where am
I?
Mrs. T. (R.) Where should you be but in your
own parlour?
Todd. (L.) My own parlour? And you
are—
Mrs. T. Don’t you
see—I’m your own Laura—your dear wife?
Todd. My wife! but
where’s the other? Where’s my rattlesnake?
Mrs. T. Why, Sam,
you’re not awake yet—you’re still
dreaming. You would sit up last night over those papers,
(goes to table, C.) and
you’ve been smoking a filthy cigar.
Todd. An opium cigar!
that’s it! Then I’m not a brigand with two
wives! Laura, my love, come to the arms of your doting
husband. (they embrace—door bell rings
outside)
Mrs. T. There’s the
policeman who was to ring the bell at five o’clock.
You know we start at six.
Todd. Oh, yes, to be
sure! I’ll be ready in five minutes. But first
a word with our friends. (to audience) If I have
been dreaming that you are pleased, pray don’t dispel so
pleasant an illusion—but, with your usual good
nature—give me a lucky omen for my dream to-night and
to-morrow.—“What will they say at
Brompton?”
Mrs. T.
R.
Todd.
L.
Curtain.
THOMAS
SCOTT, PRINTER, WARWICK COURT, HOLBORN.
