SETTLING UP.
The next day, our last at the Beach, such
scrubbing, sweeping and dusting went on as was
never seen before I am sure. We were determined
that Mrs. Rand should not say that girls
at best were "goatish." Blanche insisted that she
could do all the cleaning herself, but we thought
it but fair to turn in and help.
"How could people in one short month collect
so much mess?" demanded Dum, as she turned
bureau drawers out on the beds and did what she
called "picking rags." "Do you s'pose on a desert
island we would find ourselves littered up with a
lot of doo-dads?"
"Well, Robinson Crusoe collected Friday, besides
several other days of the week that I can't
remember," answered Dee, "and it seems to me
he got a dog and a cat and a parrot, and he certainly
'made him a coat of an old Nannie goat.'
He had no luggage at all on his arrival and had
much to cart away. And look at Swiss Family
Robinson! There was nothing they did not collect
in the way of belongings on their desert
island, even a wife for one of the boys."
"Do you know, I used to think Swiss Family
Robinson was the best book that had ever been
written," said I, emerging from the closet with
an arm full of shoes.
"Well, I don't know but that it is still," declared
Dum. "Wouldn't it be just grand to be
cast on a desert island? Of course I mean if Zebedee
could be cast along, too."
"Of course we wouldn't be cast without him,"
said Dee, "Heaven would be more like the other
place if Zebedee wasn't there. Goodness, I wish
he didn't have to work and we could all stay together
all the time!"
"When I grow up a little more and learn
how, I am going to sculp such a wonderful statue
that Zebedee can stop working." Dum forgot all
about the rags she was picking and with the
dreamy expression we knew so well, began to ball
up a perfectly clean shirt waist as though it were
clay and with her sculptor's thumb shape it into
I don't know what image of surpassing beauty.
She was rudely awakened from her dream by
Dee, who snatched the imaginary clay from her
twin, exclaiming:
"Since that happens to be my shirt waist, the
one I am going to travel back to Richmond in,
I'll thank you to get-rich-quick on one of your
own . . . or this dirty middy blouse might prove a
good medium," and she tossed a very soiled article
over Dum's head. It happened to be a middy
that she had gone crabbing in, so it was not overly
pleasant. Anything was enough to start
Tweedles in a romp, and in a minute the air was
black with shoes and white with pillows, and
what work we had accomplished was in a fair
way to be done over.
Annie and I took to the farthest cot for safety
and Mary perched upon the railing and egged the
warriors to fiercer battle by giving her inimitable
dog fight with variations. As is often the case,
the non-combatants got the worst of the fight.
Dee ducked a pillow, thrown with tremendous
force by her opponent, and Annie got it square on
her dainty nose, causing that aristocratic feature
to bleed profusely.
"Oh, Annie, Annie, I'm so sorry!" wailed
Dum.
"It is altogether my fault!" declared Dee. "I
had no business ducking!"
"Id's dothing adall," insisted Annie, tightly
grasping her offending member, "by old dose always
bleeds. Jusd a liddle dab will draw de
clared."
"Oh, but I just know it hurts awfully," and Dee
raced off for a basin of cold water while Dum
rummaged in the debris for some of the gentleman's
handkerchiefs that she and Dee always
used in common with their father.
Mary insisted upon dropping a large brass
door key down the sufferer's back, declaring that
nothing stopped nose-bleed so effectively as the
shock occasioned by a brass door key dropped
down the back.
"I just know it is going to disfigure you for
days to come!" exclaimed Dee.
"Oh, I don't bind the loogs but id's just the
bordification of being such a duisance," answered
the poor girl, as usual embarrassed over being
the observed of all observers. And just then in
spite of the basin of gore and Annie's pitiful expression
and Tweedles' great solicitude, Mary
and I went off into uncontrollable giggles.
"I'm not laughing at you, Annie, but at your
'bordification,'" gasped Mary, holding her own
nose to give the proper accent; and then everybody
laughed and it had the effect described in
the nursery rhyme:
"Little Tommy Grace
Had a pain in his face
So bad he couldn't learn a letter.
In came Dicky Long,
Singing such a funny song,
Tommy laughed and his face felt much better."
Blanche arrived on the scene with a bottle of
witch hazel and Annie was made to lie down in
the farthest corner with healing cloths bound
round her injuries.
"I never heard sech carryings on!" exclaimed
the girl. "Mo' like a passel of boys. I couldn't
believe my yers that 'twas my young missusses
making sech hullybullyboo. That there rent woman
come by jes' then, and she rubbered 'til I
thought she would sho' twis' her po' white neck
off."
Blanche had as frank a dislike to Mrs. Rand as
that good woman had for all darkeys, and it was
only with the most tactful management that we
could keep them from coming to blows on the few
occasions when Mrs. Rand came over to inspect
our cottage. The white woman was very free
in her use of the very objectionable term "nigger,"
and Blanche on the other hand had an insolent
bearing in her presence that was entirely foreign
to her usual polite manner and gentle disposition.
It seemed strange that two persons as excellent in
their way as Mrs. Rand and Blanche should be
so antagonistic. They were like two chemicals,
innocent and mild until brought together and
then such a bubbling and boiling and exploding!
Mrs. Rand always entered the house through the
kitchen, which in itself was an irritation to
Blanche.
"I don't hold to no back-do' company. If'n she
calls herself a lady, wherefore don't she entrance
like one? What call is she got to be
pryin' and appearin' auspiciously into all my
intensils? I ain't goin' to leave no mo' dirt than
I found."
"Did she come in just now?" asked Dee as
Blanche got off the foregoing tirade after having
administered to Annie.
"No'm, she never come in! I squared myself
in the do'way and she couldn't git by me and
she couldn't git over me and Gawd knows she
couldn't git under me. I wa'n't goin' to let her
or no one else come in my kitchen 'til I got the
dislocation indigent to the undue disordinary of
yesterday somewhat abated."
"Did she say anything?" laughed Dum.
"Yessum, she said a absolute piece of po'try
what I would not defame my lips by repeating
to you."
"Oh, please tell us what it was!" we begged.
"Well, 'twas:
"'Nigger, nigger, never die,
Black face and shiny eye,
Flat nose and crooked toes,
That's the way the nigger goes.'"
"Wasn't that horrid of her?" we cried.
"And what did you say?"
"Well, I held my head up same as a white
lady, an' I answered her back same as a white
lady, an' I called out to her:
"'I had a little dog
An' his name was Dash,
'Druther be a nigger
Than po' white trash!'"
"Well, I'm glad you got back at her; and now
come on and let's get the cottage in such good
order that we won't care which way the owner
comes in," and Dee gave Blanche a friendly
pat on her broad shoulder. The girl left us, her
good-humour restored by our sympathy, and if
there was a speck of dirt left in that kitchen
it would have taken a magnifying glass to
find it.
Trunks were soon packed, and we had proceeded
to the business of dismantling beds (all
but on our porch), when we heard the rasping
voice of Mrs. Rand in the living room below,
that wily woman having slipped in through the
kitchen while Blanche's back was turned.
"Hey—Miss Tucker Twins!! Where's that
so-called paw of yours? I come over to go over
the inventory with him."
"Inventory! What inventory?" asked Tweedles
from the balcony.
"What inventory? Why, land's sakes alive,
what are you handin' out to me? Didn't I give
him a list of my goods and chattels to be returned
to me in the same condition in which
they was delivered to him on the fust of the
month?"
"Oh, I believe there is a list of things in the
blue tea-pot," and Dee raced down the steps
and drew out the important document from the
beautiful old blue tea-pot on the mantelpiece.
"But, Mrs. Rand, our father has gone back
to Richmond, went yesterday, and he told me
to tell you to send him the bill for anything that
was broken or missing."
"Bill, indeed!" she sniffed. "I don't trust to
bills with any of these here tenants. Richmond
is Richmond and Willoughby is Willoughby."
"Certainly, Mrs. Rand," said Dee with great
dignity, "we will not ask you to trust us for
any sum provided we have cash enough to reimburse
you. There have been very few things
broken and I fancy nothing will be missing. A
few water glasses and some cups, I think, are
the only things broken."
"Not with a nigger in the kitchen!" said our
landlady, rudely. "Yer can't tell me a nigger
has gone through a month without bustin' mo'
things than that."
"Why, Blanche didn't break the things that
have been broken. We did it ourselves. I don't
believe Blanche has broken a single thing," exclaimed
Dum.
"You is quite exactitude in yo' statement, Miss
Dum," said Blanche, appearing in the kitchen
door, where she had overheard all of Mrs.
Rand's not too complimentary remarks. "I is
not been the instructive mimber of the household,
and what brokerage has been committed has
been performed by you young ladies or yo' papa.
I is fractured but one object since I engaged in
domestic disuetude and that was a cup without
no saucer, and before Gawd it was cracked whin
I come."
Blanche no longer looked the mild and peaceful
character we had found her to be. Her pleasant
gingerbread coloured face was purple with
rage, and one of her pigtails, usually tightly
wrapped, had come unbound and was standing
up in a great woolly bush on the top of her head,
giving her very much the appearance of a Zulu
warrior in battle regalia. A rolling pin in one
hand and a batter cake turner in the other added
to her warlike aspect.
"I never seed a nigger yet that didn't say
everything she broke was cracked when she
come," sniffed Mrs. Rand scornfully.
"Blanche is quite right!" exclaimed Dum.
"The cup she broke was cracked, because I
cracked it myself. I cracked the cup and broke
the saucer the first night at the beach, didn't
I, Dee?"
"No, you didn't. I did it myself," said Dee.
"Well, hoity-toity! It looks like you both
think you done something fine to bust up the
chiny," and Mrs. Rand smiled grimly as she
gave an extra twist to her Mrs. Wiggs knot and
got out of her capacious pocket a huge pair of
brass-rimmed spectacles. "Come on, now, and
go over this here inventory. Business is business,
and if the chiny is busted, no matter who
done it, it is the business of the renters to make
good. I ain't a-saying the nigger done it, but
I'm a-saying if'n she didn't, she's the fust nigger
I ever seed that didn't behave like a bull in
a chiny shop, bustin' and breakin' wherever she
trod."
But Blanche had not had her say out and she
took up the ball and continued:
"I is large, 'tis true, but I is light to locomotion,
and brokerage is never been one of my failures.
My kitchen is open fer yo' conception at
any time, Miss Dee. You kin bring in the rent
woman when it suits yo' invention," and with a
bow that took in all of us and left out Mrs.
Rand, Blanche retired to her domain and lifted
up her voice in a doleful hymn.
Everything in the cottage was carefully
checked off, living room first and then the sleeping
porches. We were thankful indeed that we
had cleaned up so well and had all of our accumulated
mess out of the way. The old woman
complimented us on the appearance of everything.
She was not at all an unkind person,
except where coloured people were concerned.
She seemed to take a motherly interest in us and
highly approved of Zebedee.
"Well, you gals is sho' kept my house nice
and I must say it is some surprise to me. You
look like such harum-scarums that I was fearing
you would be worser tenants than them boys—— Land
sakes, if'n the tick covers ain't clean enough
ter use agin. I always changes 'em fer a new
tenant, but looks like it would be foolishness
to take off perfectly clean things, 'thout spot or
speck on 'em. Of course, I'll take off the nigger's
tick."
Every time Mrs. Rand said nigger it made me
wince. Mammy Susan had brought me up to
think that that was a word not to be used in
polite society or anywhere else.
"Niggers is the onliest ones what kin say nigger,"
she used to tell me. "Whin white folks
says niggers they is demeaning of themselves,
an' they is also paintin' of the nigger blacker than
his Maker done see fit to make him."
Blanche's room was in perfect order and I
wondered if Mrs. Rand would not give her some
praise, but that stern person only sniffed and
passed on.
Dishes were next on the list and we ticketed
them off easily. Four cups were broken, three
saucers and a plate and six water glasses, about
a dollar's worth in all, as the china and glass were
of the plainest. Then came the kitchen and cooking
utensils. We hoped Blanche would go out,
but she stood to her guns bravely and refused to
desert the ship. Mrs. Rand poked her nose into
every crack and crevice and seemed to be hunting
dirt which she could not discover. The tins
were counted and found O. K.; and then the
kitchen spoons and forks were as carefully gone
over as though they had been of the finest silver.
One iron spoon was worn on the edges and a
little bent from the vigorous beating and stirring
the batter bread had undergone, and the
strictly business Mrs. Rand looked at it dubiously,
but finally let it pass along with the
"sheep," although her expression was very much
what Peter's might be if a goat had butt his way
into Paradise.
"Why don't you speak up, girl?"—Page 255
"Where's that there can-opener, a perfectly
good one that I bought from a peddler? I
wouldn't lose it for a pretty! I never seed one
like it before and the man I bought it from said
he was the sole agent for it and mor'n likely
would not be back this way for years to come,"
and Mrs. Rand rummaged in the table drawer
like some lady who feared she had lost some precious
jewel.
Blanche stood back abashed and was silent,
and Tweedles and I looked at one another
guiltily.
"Why don't you speak up, girl? You needn't
think you can get off with my can-opener,
'cause you can't." Still Blanche held to the policy
of the Tar Baby and said nothing, and Tweedles
and I were as dumb as fish. "It was one of
these here combination implements, a cork-screw
and can-opener, beer-opener and knife-sharpener,
with a potato-parer at one end and apple-corer
at the other, and in the middle a nutmeg-grater.
I never seen a finer thing, and besides it had
a attachment fer the slicin' of Sarytogy chips."
"I am very sorry, Mrs. Rand, but your can-opener
is—is—lost," said Dee. "Blanche is not
responsible for it, as she had nothing to do with
it. Here is a very good can-opener, however,
that our father brought back from Norfolk," and
she took from its accustomed nail a sturdy little
affair of the old-fashioned kind, meant to open
cans and to do nothing but open cans, and in
consequence one that did open cans. "Here is a
cork-screw, and here is a nutmeg-grater! We
never did know what all the other parts of the
thing were meant for or I am sure my father
would have got those, too, as he did not wish to
defraud you in any way."
"You talk like that there so-called paw of
yours had lost it, and I believe you is just trying
to shield this nigger. I never seed a nigger
yet who had the gumption to use one of these
here labor-saving devices."
The purple colour again rose in Blanche's dusky
countenance and the tuft of unwrapped wool began
to shake ominously, but still she held her
peace, showing that she was a lady at heart. She
knew as well as we did what had become of the
prized and priceless implement, but her loyalty
made her keep silence.
The situation was tense and the irate owner
looked from one to another of our solemn countenances,
trying to solve the riddle of the lost
can-opener. Annie and Mary had come to the
kitchen door, Annie with her nose not much the
worse for the blow, but with her pretty face
very pale from the loss of blood, Mary with the
whimsical expression that she always wore when
she was taking mental notes of anyone whom she
intended to imitate later on.
We all of us could recall with the keenest delight
the memorable evening when Zebedee undertook
to open the sardines at a beach party we
were having and his scornful remarks anent our
can-opener.
"Look at this thing!" he had said indignantly.
"Pretends to do so much and can't do a single
thing right! Broke the cork in the olive bottle!
Won't cut anything but a little round, jagged
hole in this square can of sardines! I have cut
a biscuit out of my hand with this butt end that
is meant for the Lord knows what!" (That must
have been the end that was meant for an apple-corer.)
He continued, "If it's the last act of
my life, I intend to take this abomination out in
the bay and drop it down ten fathoms deep."
He was as good as his word, and the very next
morning when we went out for our usual before-breakfast
dip, Zebedee appeared with the can-opener
in his mouth (to leave his hands free for
swimming) and with strong, rapid strokes shot
out far into the bay, there to consign the hated
abomination to its watery grave.
And now what was to be said to Mrs. Rand?
It wouldn't do to stand like Patience on a monument
smiling at Grief, indefinitely. We looked
to Dee, our social deliverer, to save us, and I
only hoped that Mary and I would not disgrace
the crowd by going off into our usual giggles.
"As I said before, Mrs. Rand, it is lost and
we are as sorry as can be. I will either reimburse
you for your property or I'll send you another
from Richmond." We were mighty proud of
Dee, her reimburse sounded so grown-up and
business-like, but Mrs. Rand seemed not one whit
impressed.
"How kin you git something when they ain't
no more of them, and how kin you pay fer something
when it is valued for its bein' so useful and
so rare? I wouldn't a lef' it here if'n I hadn't 'a'
thought you was all girls and had been raised
proper, not to lose or break other folkses'
things."
"Well then, Mrs. Rand, all I can say is that
we are sorry, and if you will make out a receipted
bill for the china and glass that is broken,
we will pay you immediately and wish you good-morning,
as we have a great deal to do on this
our last day at the beach." Dee's dignity was
wonderful. How often I have seen her father
behave in exactly that way: do all he could to
keep the peace, exercise all his tact to smooth
things over and, that failing, take on a dignity
and a toploftical manner that would reduce the
offender to pulp.
"Well, now, you needn't get so huffy about it!
Business is just business——"
"Exactly, so please make out the receipted bill
and let us pay you what we owe you."
"Well, I never said I was goin' to charge you
fer those few bits of broken chiny. I reckon I
kin make my fifteen per cent. off my investment,
anyhow," and the old woman gave her rare
snaggle-toothed grin. "I'll give it to you that
you is leaving my house as clean as you found
it, and that's something I can't say of most
tenants."
"Cleaner!" muttered Blanche, but if Mrs.
Rand heard, she pretended not to. Dee's grande
dame manner had had its effect and she now
treated us with great cordiality, shaking hands
and expressing a wish to see all of us again at
the beach and complimenting us again and again
on the neatness of the cottage. She sent messages
to "that so-called paw" and was almost
genial as she bade us good-bye.
Mary and I managed to wait until she got
away before we were shaken by the inevitable
storm of giggles. "All of that row about an old
can-opener," gasped Mary, "and after all it was
a can't-opener."