The body faints sore,
It is tired in the race.
Do you know Erlsbach?
Very likely not. You won't find it in any map or
guide-book, or directions to fashionable spas and
watering-places. You won't find it by this name either, for its
people call it differently. It is just a little dusky spot on
the confines of the Austrian Tyrol, a little village shut in
by pine forests washed by silvery waters; quaint, old
world, unremarkable, but beautiful exceedingly.
In the warm June weather Erlsbach is at its best. So
green, and fragrant, and cool, with soft airs blowing from
the pine forests, and the gleam of snow on the mountain
heights, and the emerald waters of the river shining in
vivid brightness where the sunrays slant amidst the
greenness of the boughs. It boasts of but one hotel does
Erlsbach, a little old-fashioned hostelry, with nothing to
recommend it save that it is very clean and picturesque,
and its people are honest as the day.
To Erlsbach, and, as a matter of course, to the Kaiser
Hof, come one June evening a party of two ladies and
two maids, a courier, and luggage en attendance. Their
arrival is expected, their rooms are taken; the best
rooms, with a balcony overlooking the river, and that
far-off view of the mountain heights beyond, where the
purple light of evening is melting on the whiteness of
eternal snows. When the bustle of arrival is over, one
of the two ladies comes out on the balcony and stands
there for long, looking out at the pretty, peaceful scene.
A voice from a room within speaks after a time:
"Do you like it, Lauraine?"
The figure moves, turns half round. "It is like a poem,"
she says, softly. "Like it? One can hardly say that;
one feels it." The speaker advances and joins her.
"Yes; you are right. I only came here once; it
was years ago, and my heart was heavy with a great
sorrow. I left it behind me, Lauraine; buried it amid
the lonely woods and mountain ways. Oh, my dear,
my dear, if you might do the same?"
A sigh parts the beautiful grave lips of Lauraine
Vavasour; she grows very pale. "That cannot be,"
she says, faintly. "I could never forget easily; and
this, this was part of my life—myself. Do not let us speak
of it, Etwynde; it hurts me still."
"People say to talk of their troubles lightens them."
"I am not like that then. My sorrow is shut in my
heart. I cannot bear to profane it with speech."
"But it makes it so much harder to bear, Lauraine."
"Not to me; nothing on earth, even your sympathy,
could lighten it."
Lady Etwynde is silent. Her thoughts go back to that
dreary, awful time when the child's death was yet so new
a thing; it is nearly nine months ago now, and Lauraine
has been all that time in the gloomy old mansion on the
Northumbrian shores. The funeral had been long over
before Sir Francis returned, and then he had made but
a brief stay, and gone to Scotland with some friends.
"Fretting could do no good," he said philosophically,
and he hated the gloomy quietude of Falcon's Chase, and
was only too glad to leave it. Lady Etwynde stayed
with Lauraine all through that dreary winter; she could
not bear to leave her alone in her grief and despair, for
the sorrow seemed but to take deeper root in her nature.
Even all Lady Etwynde's gentle sympathy could make no
way. She half-feared and only half-comprehended this
new phase in her friend's character. For she could not
know that Lauraine felt a terror of herself now; that it
seemed to her as if the one safeguard she had clung to
had been swept from her hold, and she lay anchorless,
shelterless on the great dark sea of life, beholding no
hope or ray of light, turn where she would.
The chill of winter passed into the fair, sweet month
of spring; but no change came to her. Nothing seemed
to thaw the ice about her heart. A strange chill and
silence from the outer world rested upon her life as it was
now. Of all her many friends and acquaintances none
seemed to remember her or heed her. Keith
had written again and yet again; she had never answered
him once. She dared not. His sympathy, his presence
would have been a comfort too great not to be dangerous,
and the more she longed for them the more rigorously she
denied them to herself. With the spring her husband
wrote to know whether she wanted to come to town for
the season. She read the letter with a shuddering
horror. The season! To dance, drive, gossip, kill time
in a round of empty pleasures; sate herself with luxury
and extravagance. The thought seemed loathsome to
her now. Her youth and all that was best in her seemed
to have died with her little child. Her eyes seemed ever to
have that look in them that has so frightened and pained
her friend; the look as of tears that could not fall.
She was awfully, terribly changed, both in body and
mind, and when Lady Etwynde paid her a flying visit,
tearing herself from æsthetic joys and the glories of the
Grosvenor Gallery Exhibition, and endless réunions
among the cultured, she was shocked and alarmed at the
alteration.
"You must leave here, or you will go melancholy
mad!" she said, imperatively; and Lauraine, having
arrived at that stage when she was too spiritless and too
indifferent to oppose any vigorous scheme, yielded
passively, and was borne off to Erlsbach.
Sir Francis, of course, could not come. He liked
London, and was not going to give up its thousand and
one enjoyments for the sake of an invalid's whim. Her
mother offered voluntarily to sacrifice herself in the
matter; but Lauraine would not hear of it, and in the
end she and Lady Etwynde, under charge of an
experienced courier, set out for Germany and, travelling by
slow and easy stages, arrived one warm June evening at
quaint, pretty Erlsbach.
"But, Lauraine," says Lady Etwynde, continuing the
conversation after a long, thoughtful pause, "have you
ever considered that it is like putting yourself in rebellion
against God to go on like this? All strokes of sorrow are
sent for some wise purpose. We do not see it, believe it,
at the time; but, later on——"
"Ah," interrupts Lauraine, "that is just it. It has
not come to 'later on' with me. I had but one thing
to make me happy; it has gone. Don't expect me to be
consoled in a few months."
"But, my dear, you have your husband, your duties.
Do you know it seems to me as if you were, in a way,
estranging yourself from him?"
"He can find plenty of amusement in the world,"
says Lauraine, coldly. "Little Frank was nothing to
him, except just simply the heir who would come after
him in due time, and keep the estates in the family. But
to me——" She breaks off abruptly.
The faint wind from the pine woods blows over her
head and ruffles the soft dusky curls above her brow.
In that dim light, with her pale, beautiful face turned
upwards to the purple sky, she looks so young, so fair, so
sorrowful, that a rush of tears dims Lady Etwynde's
eyes as she gazes at her. "I didn't think she would
have taken her sorrow to heart like this. How little
one knows, after all!" she thinks to herself.
A week drifts by. Amidst that tranquil pastoral loveliness,
amidst the beauty of the woods and streams, in
the whole dreamy, simple life they lead, Lauraine rests and
rejoices in such quiet, unecstatic fashion as is left to her.
Her sorrow seems less hard and cold a thing here; the
angel face of her lost darling comes with a more tender
grace to her memory. She can talk and even smile with
something of the old playful witchery that used to be hers.
There is always something new to see; there are no landmarks
here as at Falcon's Chase to recall the footsteps of
that baby life whose journeying was so short a one. She
begins to feel a little interest in places and things once
more. She likes Lady Etwynde's talk, even when it may
be on culture and ethics; she can listen to her when she
reads out, which she does admirably as well as judiciously.
On the whole, there is a decided improvement about the
mental "tone" that delights Lady Etwynde, though
she never appears to notice it.
Life and worldly cares, and even worldly joys, seemed
sometimes to sink into almost insignificance amidst these
mountain solitudes. They were so grand, so sublime, so
immovable. Their lessons came home to Lauraine's
aching heart, and soothed and comforted it insensibly to
herself. She grew less sad, she brooded less over what
she had lost. She had no hope, nothing to look forward
to; yet still the present so steeped her in peace and rest
that it seemed to her in after years as if these fragrant
forests, this wilderness of ferns and flowers, these foaming
waters, and far-off gleam of shining glaciers and crowning
snows, had possessed some magic power that insensibly
soothed and lulled her heart's long pain.
Late one afternoon she and Lady Etwynde are returning
from a drive to a little village some two miles distant.
The sun is just setting above the forest heights, there is
alternate light and gloom among the heavy foliage, those
beautiful shades of green and gold that make up so
much of the charm of a wood. Lady Etwynde is driving
rather quickly, and the road is narrow. Before them she
sees the figure of a horseman proceeding leisurely along.
At the near approach of the ponies' rapid trot he draws
his horse aside to make room. Lauraine leaning back in
the little low carriage, gives a careless glance up as she
passes, then all the pallor of her face flushes deepest
scarlet; she starts forward with an exclamation of
amazement. Lady Etwynde notices it, and reins in the
ponies. "Mr. Athelstone! Is it possible?" she says.
In astonishment quite as genuine, Keith draws the
bridle, and bends towards the two figures.
"What a strange meeting," he says, as he shakes
hands first with Lauraine, then with Lady Etwynde.
"I thought you were in London," Lauraine says
quickly. After one wild leap of joy her heart seems to
grow still and cold with a great dread. What evil fate,
she wonders, has thrown him across her path now?
They are all too genuinely astonished to be embarrassed,
and Keith proceeds to explain how he has been mountaineering
for the last month in the Tyrol district; how his
headquarters at present are that very little village they
have just visited; and how he has ridden over to
Erlsbach from idle curiosity, to see what the place is like.
Of course there remains nothing for it but to invite him
to the Kaiser Hof, and an hour later the trio are sitting
at dinner, the table drawn close by the open window,
and the fresh pine-scented air blowing in cool and soft
from the mountains. Keith and Lauraine talk very
little to each other. The brunt of the conversation falls
on Lady Etwynde, and she in no way objects. Keith
has always been a favourite of hers, and they have many
sharp and witty arguments, while that pale, grave figure
in the soft draperies listens and smiles, and feels at once
disturbed and restless, and yet glad.
Sooner or later they would meet. She had known
that always, but had never dreamt of it being so soon, or
so strangely.
Somehow in life the meetings we expect never do take
place as we expect them. We may rehearse our little
scenes as carefully as we please, we may arrange our looks,
our words, the very tones of our voices, but when the
actual rencontre does occur it is sure to be utterly different,
and the carefully-arranged programme is never carried out.
It is so with Lauraine now. She has sometimes
longed, sometimes dreaded to meet him, but always
imagined it at some distant time and in some totally
different manner; and now Keith is sitting at her table,
her own guest, smiling, talking, looking at her to all
appearance as unconcerned and forgetful as if that
"garden scene" had never been enacted.
He is a better actor than herself, and he determines
to be it. She shows that she is troubled, pained,
perplexed. He ignores everything that might lead to that
past, is careless, cynical, indifferent as of yore; but all
the time his heart is beating with tumultuous pain;
he is thinking how sadly altered she is, how changed from
the bright, beautiful Lauraine of his boyhood, and yet
dearer to him in her sufferings and sorrow than in any
years that are past. It is hard work to keep down the
thoughts that are thronging, the love that is leaping, the
joy that is thrilling his every sense; but he knows it must
be done, and he succeeds in doing it and in deceiving
Lauraine. The cloth is removed. The soft dusk settles
on the pretty quiet scene without. Lady Etwynde, who
dislikes a glare of light, blows out nearly all the
illumination of candles in the room, and they sit there by the
window watching the stars come out one by one, talking
less now, but with something grave and earnest in the
talk that it has lacked before.
At last Lady Etwynde rises, and, saying she has
letters to write, moves away to a little inner room,
partitioned off by curtains from the one where they
have all been sitting. It is solitude, yet not solitude. The
sense of being together, the knowledge that their low
tones are unheard, is just restrained by the feeling that
another person is close at hand. Keith is silent for
some moments, then bends towards Lauraine.
"You never answered my letters; I could hardly expect
it. But I do hope you believe I felt for your grief?"
"Yes," she answers, simply; "I always felt sure of that."
"I am glad you say so. When you never wrote I
thought you were offended, indifferent, perhaps. It has
been a terribly blank time for me."
"I think you have no right to tell me that," she says,
flushing and paling with nervous agitation. "I cannot
help you, and it only adds to the sufferings of my own
life that yours is also sad."
"Sad!" he echoes, wearily. "If you only knew
how sad. But you are right; I ought not to speak of that.
How strange it seems to meet you here; almost makes
one believe in Fate! To think that I rose this morning
and rode off haphazard, not even guessing you were
within a hundred miles of me, and now, at evening, I am
sitting by your side!"
"How is it you have forsaken the London season?"
"It I told you the real truth you would be angry, and
I cannot utter conventional lies to you, Lorry."
She trembles a little. Her eyes go out to the shining
river that mirrors the silver glory of the starlight. At
her heart a dull pain beats. "Your friends, the Americans,
where are they?" she asks evasively.
"In Paris, I believe. At least, they may have left
now; but they were there up to May. Nan is mad about
Paris." "Nan," be it remarked, is what he always calls
Miss Anastasia Jefferson. Lauraine knows this, and
smiles a little.
"You and she are as great friends as ever, I suppose?"
she remarks.
"She is a jolly little girl," Keith answers, carelessly.
"Yes, I suppose we are friends in a way. We are always
quarrelling, and yet always making it up."
"Why don't you—marry—her?" asks Lauraine.
He stares at her as if uncertain of what he has heard.
"Marry Nan! Good Lord! I never dreamt of such a
thing!"
"Other people have," continues Lauraine; "even the
girl herself, I fancy."
He laughs a little bitterly. "What fad have you got
into your head? Nan looks upon me as a sort of elder
brother. There has never been anything of 'that sort'
between us. As for marrying, well, you ought to know
I am not likely to do that."
"I think you ought to marry," says Lauraine, very
quietly. "You see you have wealth and position, and
yet you lead such a 'homeless' kind of life. That is the
only word that expresses it. And some day surely you will
think of settling down; you cannot be always like this."
"You counsel me to marry," he says, with bitterness.
"Have you found the experience so pleasant a one?"
The crimson colour rushes all over the proud fair face.
"That has nothing to do with it," she says, coldly.
"Has it not? Well, if I choose to be faithful to a
memory, that is my look out. I am not one to forget
easily, as I have told you before."
"And you don't care for Miss Jefferson?" asks
Lauraine, unwisely.
He looks at her in silence for a moment, and under
the strong magnetism of his glance, her eyes turn from the
scene without and meet his own.
"I think you should know," he says, very softly.
There comes the sound of a rustling skirt, a closing
door. Lady Etwynde has left the inner room; they are
alone. In an instant he is kneeling by the low chair on
which she sits. Her hands are clasped in his.
"Oh, Lorry, Lorry!" he cries; "it is so hard!"
The passionate plaint thrills to her very heart. She
lays her hands on either shoulder, and looks down into
the pain-filled depths of the blue eyes.
"I know it, dear," she says, very gently. "Is it not
hard for me too?"
"You are so cold, so different, and then you have your
home, your husband, your——. Oh, forgive me, darling!
How could I be so thoughtless?"
He sees the spasm of pain on the white face, the sudden
quiver of the soft red lips.
"I—I have nothing now!" she groans, despairingly,
and her two hands go up to hide her face. A storm of
passionate weeping shakes her from head to foot. Keith
is alarmed, distressed, but he is wise enough to rise and
stand quietly by. He attempts no consolation.
The storm abates at last. Those tears have done
Lauraine good. She has been cold and hard in her grief
for so long a time. She also rises, a little ashamed,
a little confused. "Let us go out on the balcony,"
she says, and he follows her without a word.
It seems like a dream to him; a dream that will never
be forgotten, that will haunt his memory with a vivid
thrill of pain whenever he feels the scents of mountain
air, or sees the gleam of quiet stars. With them, too, he
will see the little balcony of the quaint old "Hof," and a
slender figure with draperies of dusky black, and a face
white, solemn, inexpressibly sad that looks back to his.
"Keith," she says, very gently, "there has come a time
when I must be frank with you. You say you do not
forget, that you cannot. In that case, if you have any
honour at all, you must see that you should avoid me.
Of myself, of my pain, I will not speak. What use?
Between us two lies a barrier we can never cross. When
you say such words to me as you have said to-night, you
make the very question of friendship an impossibility.
Is there any thought in our minds that in any way is
cold enough for that. I doubt it. Mind, I say 'ours.' I
make no pretence at deceiving you."
"You do not deny that you love me?"
"Of what use?" she says. "I made a fatal error in
my marriage. But error or not, I must keep to it and
its consequences. Only, Keith, if you had any pity,
and mercy, you would avoid me, leave me to fight out
my life alone. At least I owe my husband—fidelity."
A hundred words rush to his lips. It is in his mind
then to tell her of what her husband really is; of the
scandals that are whispered in club and boudoir, over
cigarettes and Souchong, but something restrains him.
It would be mean, he thinks; and, after all, would it
make any difference to her? Had she been any other
woman.... And, after all, she loves him, not her husband.
On that small crumb of comfort he feeds his starved and
aching heart, standing there beside her, silent, troubled,
fighting against every wild and passionate impulse that
bids him fling honour and scruples to the wind, and
snatch at the perilous joy of a sinful happiness.
"Yes," she says, with a heavy sigh. "I must at least
give that. The best part of me and my life is laid in the
grave of my little child. Often I think I shall never
feel glad again, but after to-night I leave it to you
whether you are to make my life harder for me, or help
me to struggle against myself."
His eyes gleam with momentary anger, petulance,
pride. "You give me a hard enough task, I hope,"
he says passionately. "And yet your last words hold
all the tempting that could possibly beset a man. Why
should I save you from yourself? By heaven if you
loved me, if you only knew how I love you, you would
not count the cost of anything that stood between us and
our happiness!"
"Would it be happiness?" answers Lauraine. "I
think not, Keith. Is a guilty love ever happy? Does it
ever last? If it did the world would not teem with
forsaken women, nor the rivers of our great cities bear
such burdens of shame and despair."
"You do not know me, if you doubt. Have I not been
true to you, since, boy and girl, we stood together, and
played at sweethearts in the old Grange garden at
Silverthorne? Till I die I shall remember you, and love
you, Lorry."
"Other men have said the same, and have forgotten."
"Other men! Yes; but you surely know me well
enough to believe me."
"It is because I believe you that I wish to save you
deeper pain. You cannot command your feelings, and I—I
must not listen to you now. It is wrong, shameful."
He moves impatiently. "Your words are very
cruel. But to me you have always been that. You
could not be true to me even for a few years."
She shudders as if a blow had struck her. "It is
ungenerous to speak of that now; you know the fault was
not all mine."
But Keith is in no mood to listen to her. His blood
is on fire, his heart is hot and angry, and he feels that
sort of rage within him that longs to spend itself in bitter
words and unjust reproaches, even to one he loves as
dearly as he loves Lauraine. There is a sort of savage
satisfaction in making her suffer too, and he pours out
a fury of wrath and reproach as she stands there mute
and pale and still.
"I am not ice, like yourself," he says, in conclusion,
"Other women love, and forget all else for love.
You—you are too cold and prudent. I am young, and you
have wrecked my whole life, and given me nothing but
misery. I wish I had died a thousand deaths before I
had seen you!"
A shiver as of intense cold passes over her. She knows
Keith's wild temper of old, but she had not thought
it was in him to speak as he had spoken to her. She
forgets that a great love borders almost on hate, so
intense may be its passions, its longing, its despair.
"After all," says Keith, with a mocking laugh
that grates terribly on her ear, "why should I not follow
your advice as well as your example? Why should I
eat my heart out, and waste my life on an empty love?
You have told me to leave you; that you wish to see me
no more. Very well; this time I will take you at your
word. I will leave you, and let the future prove who
was right or wisest. I—I will go away! I will forget!"
"It is well," she says, her voice low and faint. "I
deserve all you have said, and more. I have only
brought sorrow to you! Go away, live your own life,
forget me, and be happy again."
"Those are your last words?"
"Yes. My life is hard and sad enough; you would
add to it shame and misery and undying remorse, and
call that a proof of—love. Forgive me if I cannot see it
in the same light as yourself."
"And I say you do not love me, and never did, or you
would know——"
"Very well," she interrupts, "believe that. It is best
that you should."
"And I am to go now?" he says, sorrowful and
hesitating. "If you send me from you to-night,
Lauraine, I will never come back. Remember that."
Both of them are hurt and angry now, both beset
with cruel pain, and waging that terrible conflict with
passionate love and wounded pride that is at once so
ill-judged, and resentful a thing.
Lauraine looks steadily away from the entreating,
watchful eyes; away, away to the far-off mountain
range swept with faint grey clouds, silvered by the
clear moonlight and the haze of the shining stars.
"If he only knew," she thinks, in the depths of her
aching heart, "if he only, only knew!"
But he does not know. To him she is only cold,
calculating, unloving. Right and pure he knows in her
mode of loving and thinking; but what man who loves as
Keith loves can see right and purity as they are?
"I have never asked you to come back," says Lauraine,
faint and low, "and be very sure I never will. I am
sorry that you are angry with me. Perhaps to-morrow
you will be sorry too. But I know it is best."
"Good-bye then!"
She turns, and gives him her hand. He looks at her
long, and the blue eyes grow misty, the fire and anger die
out. He bends suddenly forward and touches her
fingers with his lips. He does not speak another word,
only drops her hand and goes.
The echo of his footsteps dies away. The door closes
with a heavy sound. With a stifled sob Lauraine falls
on her knees, and leans her head against the low
railings of the flower-covered balcony.
"Dear Heaven! how hard it is to do right!" she moans.
The wind stirs the pine boughs, and the stars shine
calmly down. They have seen so much of trouble, have
heard so much despair, and to them a human life is such a
little space to sorrow in, or be glad.