Name: The Unspeakable Turk
Author: Various

THE UNSPEAKABLE TURK. — (Supplement to "Punch", 16th December 1914) — THE STATUS QUO. — ONE BUBBLE MORE!! — EVERYBODY'S FRIEND! — THE SUBLIME "SUPER"! — COOPED UP! — "DEEDS—NOT WORDS!" — A FREE HAND. — A TURKISH BATH. — "TURKEY LIMITED." — TENDER MERCIES! — THE SLAVE OF DUTY! — THE MITYLENE MARCH. — BETWEEN RUSSIA AND THE DEEP SEA. — THE OPTIMIST. — OUT OF BOUNDS. — THE THRONE PERILOUS. — THE SALT-WATER CURE. — AT LAST! — ARMAGEDDON: A DIVERSION. — NO EFFECTS. — SETTLED. — "DEUTSCHLAND UEBER ALLES." — ANOTHER PEACE CONFERENCE. — HIS MASTER'S VOICE.

"PUNCH" OFFICE, 10 BOUVERIE STREET, LONDON, E.C.

Turkey. "Will you not still befriend me?"

Britannia. "Befriend you?—Not with your hands of that colour!"

September 9, 1876.

England indignantly protests against the atrocities committed by the Turk in Bulgaria.

January 6, 1877.

The Turk, once again, makes illusory promises of Reform.

March 2, 1878.

During the Russo-Turkish War a strict neutrality is preserved by Germany. She is now the "friend" of the Turk.

(Rehearsal of Grand Military Drama.)

Stage Manager. "What are you to do, Sir? Why, get well to the back, and—wave your banner!!!"

September 16, 1882.

The Turk makes a great show of denouncing the revolt of Arabi in Egypt. He is not taken very seriously.

October 26, 1889.

The Powers, despite the protests of Greece, leave it to the Turk to restore order in the Island of Crete.

John Bull. "Look here,—we've had enough of your palaver! are you going to let the girl go, or have we got to make you?"

June 15, 1895.

The barbarous treatment of Armenia by the Turk compels the intervention of England, France and Russia.

The Unspeakable Turk. "Ha, ha. There's no one about! I can get to business again."

January 18, 1896.

While England is absorbed elsewhere the Turk takes the opportunity to commit further outrages in Armenia.

Sultan. "They gave it me pretty hot in that Armenian room! but—Bismillah! this is—— phew!!"

August 22, 1896.

A very "sick man" is the Turk. He goes from bad to worse.

Sultan. "Make me into a Limited Company? H'm—Ah—S'pose they'll allow me to join the Board after Allotment!"

November 28, 1896.

The Powers consider the advisability of placing the Turk "under control."

Dame Europa (to Little Crete). "Don't cry, my little man. I've asked this nice, kind Turkish policeman to stay and take care of you!"

March 13, 1897.

The Turk is given another chance to mend his ways.

Admiral John Bull. "Now then, out you'll have to go!"

The Unspeakable. "What! Leave my beautiful Crete in a state of disorder? Never!"

September 24, 1898.

The incorrigible Turk is deprived of his power to misrule in Crete. He is consoled by Germany.

(Solo for the French Horn.)

The Sultan. "I don't like Solos! Give me the good old-fashioned European Concerto!"

November 13, 1901.

France sends a fleet to Mitylene and compels the Turk to respect the rights of certain French subjects.

September 9, 1903.

Trouble again confronts the Turk. Macedonia, weary of his oppression, rises in revolt. Russia keeps an eye upon him.

Abdul Hamid. "What, all the Fleets coming here? That will be fun! I do hope they'll have Fireworks!"

November 22, 1905.

The Powers decide on a Naval Demonstration to compel the Turk to settle the Macedonian difficulty.

John Bull. "Shoo! Shoo!"

May 9, 1906.

The Turk tries to grab a bit of Egypt, but his bluster is unsuccessful. Under pressure he retires, as usual.

July 29, 1908.

The condition of the Turk is very critical. Internal disorders indicate a serious danger of collapse.

Shah of Persia. "Go on in, Abdul—just for the look of the thing. You can always come out if you don't like it."

Sick Man of Europe. "Yes, I know. But one gets so wet!"

August 12, 1908.

The Turk makes another specious effort to amend his constitution.

November 27, 1912.

The liberation of Macedonia from the tyranny of the Turk is, at last, accomplished.

Turkey. "Good! If only all those other christian nations get at one another's throats, I may have a dog's chance yet."

December 4, 1912.

The Turk still has a gleam of hope.

Balkan Leaguer. "It's your money we want."

Turkey. "Money, dear boy? Search me!"

March 26, 1913.

The ever impecunious Turk.

Dame Europa. "You've always been the most troublesome boy in the school. Now go and consolidate yourself."

Turkey. "Please, ma'am, what does that mean?"

Dame Europa. "It means going into that corner—and stopping there!"

April 2, 1913.

The Turk is driven to confine his energies to Asia Minor.

King of the Hellenes. "Our success was, as you know, entirely due to you."

German Emperor. "Thanks, thanks." (Aside) "I suppose he can't be referring to our organisation of the Turkish army."

September 17, 1913.

The decisive defeat of the Turk by the Greeks and their Allies is a bitter blow to Germany.

Turkey (to Greece). "Aha! My young friend, alone at last! Now we can arrange a really nice treaty."

October 8, 1913.

The Turk makes a desperate effort to get Greece into a quiet corner.

The Kaiser (to Turkey, reassuringly). "Leave everything to me. All you've got to do is to explode."

Turkey. "Yes, I quite see that. But where shall I be when it's all over?"

November 11, 1914.

There is, indeed, no health in the Turk.