I have been a skipper in my time,
And something more. Anon, I'll tell it you.
Ogilvie.
"It is nae worth the name of a story
that," said Tam Craik; "for, in the first
place, it is a lang story; in the second
place, it is a confused story; and, in the
third place, it ends ower abruptly, and rather
looks like half a dozen o' stories linkit
to ane anither's tails."
The poet was by this time on his feet,
and, coming forward to Charlie, he looked
him sublimely in the face, stretched out
his hand, and spoke as follows: "There is
some being, wheresoe'er he dwells, that
watches o'er the fates of mortal men: now
do I know it. Yea, and that same being
has spirits of all casts at his command, that
run, and fly, and trim, and trim, and trim
about this world. And it is even true
that I have seen of these, yet knew them
not. Look here, brave hero, man of heart
and hand! and see if thou canst note thy
mark once seen? Thy spur; thy A without
the crossing stroke; thy V with the
wrong end upmost,—is it here?"
The poet bowed his breast, and exposed
it to Charlie's eye, which, at the first scrutinizing
look, discerned the mark he had
formerly seen,—the mark of the spur of Ravensworth.
Charlie's visage altered into
lengthened amazement. It could scarcely
have been more strongly marked when
he was visited by the white lady on Tersit
moor, even when he was glad to hide his
face in the moss, and hold by the heather
with both his hands.
"And are you really the chap that I
threw out at the window in the castle of
Ravensworth," said he, "and boarded wi'
auld lady Lawder? The creature that had
a ghaist for its guardian, and a witch for
its nurse? But what need I spier? My
ain een convinces me. Gude faith but we
are a queer set that are prickit up on the
top o' this tower thegither! I am amaist
terrified to enquire where you have been
since the white lady took you away; for ye
must have been in the fairy land, or the
country o' the gruesome ghaists, or perhaps
in a waur place than either."
"We are a queerer set than you are
thinking of," said Tam; "for here am I
standing, Tam Craik, liege man and true
to the brave Scottish Warden, and I carena
wha kens it now; but I am neither less
nor mair a man than just Marion's Jock o'
the Dod-Shiel, that sliced the fat bacon,
ate the pet lamb, and killed the auld miser,
Goodman Niddery. Here's the same
whittle yet, and ready at the service of ony
ane that requires it for the same end. Od,
we seem to ken mair about ane anither
than ony ane o' us kens about ourselves."
"The day wears on apace," said the
Master; "and I foresee that there is relief
approaching from more quarters than one."
(This made all the party spring to the windows
to look.)—"It is not yet visible to
your eyes, but it will come time enough.
In the meanwhile, it would be as well to
get through with the stories, that we may
know and fix on our victim, for, perhaps,
we may need a mart this night. And, it
being now your turn, liegeman Thomas, or
John, by right of seniority, if you know
of nothing better I should like much to
hear the adventures of such a promising
youth, from the day that you made away
with the farmer to this present time."
"Better, Master Michael Scott?" said
Tam. "Better, does your honour say?
Nay, by my sooth I ken o' naething half
sae good. I hae been an ill-guided chap
a' my life; but, as you will hear, I hae guided
others at times but in a middling way."
My friend, the laird, has given you
my early history, perhaps better than I
could hae done myself, but that is to judge
of. He hath added and diminished,—but
yet he told his story wi' some life, and a'
the better that he didna ken wha heard
him. In one thing he was wrong informed,
for I was not seen on Kirtle-common
that night I fled from the slaughter
of the old inveterate wretch. I ran in
a contrary direction, and slept that night
in a moss-hagg, at the head of a water called
Lanshaw Burn. Many a hard night I
have had, but that was one of the bitterest
of them all. I did not rue having killed
the goodman, for I rejoiced at having let
out his dirty miserable life and saved my
own,—but then I was sure to be taken up
and hanged for a murderer; and I was
chased away from my mother and my
country, and durst not face a human being.
I saw some goats and some sheep, and
would gladly have killed one to have eaten,
for I saw hunger staring me in the face;
but they would not let me come near
them. I likewise saw a shepherd's or forester's
house, but kept aloof; and going
up into a wild bushy glen, I cried myself
asleep, half naked as I was, and slept till
about the break of day. When I awakened,
starving with hunger and cold, I had
no shift but to pull rashes and eat the
white ends of them, which I continued to
do all that day whenever I came to a rash
bush. The next night I came to a solitary
house, where I ventured to go in, and
there I first gave myself the name of Tam
Craik, telling abundance of lies as to my
origin. The master of the house was a
wealthy vassal, and had great numbers of
fat oxen, with cows and calves, besides a
few sheep, and he kept me to help him to
herd these, promising me a grey coat if
I attended to his satisfaction. He was
a most extraordinary man, and none of
the best,—for his words and actions were
at variance: Though he conversed with me,
or any one, with the utmost familiarity, I
never found out that he had told me one
word of truth. The first friend that came
to visit him after my arrival, he overloaded
so with kindness, professions of friendship,
and respect, that I believed he loved him
as his own soul; and, after he was gone, as
my master and I went out to the fields, I
observed what a treasure it was to have so
good and so valued a friend as he had in
that neighbour of his. What was my astonishment
to hear from the same tongue
that had lauded him to the skies, that he was
a cheat, a liar, and a scoundrel;—a greedy
sordid wretch that robbed his own hinds,
and such wandering pedlars as came by
that road, not daring to venture on higher
game; one who seduced men's wives and
daughters indiscriminately; and was, in
short, a perfect demon, and a pest to the
whole neighbourhood. "But, master, why
did you caress and commend him so much
to his face?" "O! that is all very well;
that goes all for nothing. He is to be sure
a vile scoundrel!" "There are queer people
in this world," thought I: "There is
nothing for it, I see, but, Tam, mind yoursel."
The farmer continued very kind to me
in his own deceitful way; but the meat that
we got was very bad. It consisted of lean
beef, and venison as black as soot, with
plenty of milk; but as for bread we had
none of any description. So, from the day
that I entered to his service, I determined
to kill a lamb, or a sheep of any sort, the
first time I could get one; but I never
could get the least chance, and might as
well have tried to get hold of a deer. I
could not help thinking of the delicious
feasting that I had in my little shieling,
dear as it had like to have cost me; and
every day my appetite for fat flesh became
more insufferable, till at last, by a grand
expedient, I got satisfaction of it. I had
thirty fat stots in my herd, and I observed
that, in hurrying them through a bog,
they sunk, and stuck quite fast: so, having
no other resource, I drove a few of them one
day, when I was very hungry, into a mire
in a wood, and rushing forward on them
while they were struggling, I sticked the
fattest among them to the heart, so that
he floundered and bled to death in the
slough. "Well done again, Marion's
Jock!" said I to myself. "Here is feasting
for you now! Here is a feast that
will last you a twelve month at odd
times, if you can but preserve it." I declare
when I began to cut up that huge animal,
I almost trembled at my atrocity; but
these kind of feelings soon wear off. I
was obliged to eat some collops that day
without any cooking, and never relished
ought better; I wish we saw such a meal
again! My thin yellow beard was a little
discoloured to be sure, but that was nothing;
I washed it, and went home as
boldly among the rest as if nothing wrong
had been done.
When I returned to my prey, I found
to my great grief that the foxes, dogs,
ravens, and every savage beast and hind
on these mountains, were determined to
share with me; they had actually eaten
more in that one night than would have
served me a week;—so the next day I
employed myself in cutting off all the
good, fat, and savoury pieces, and secreted
them in well-springs, covering them up
with stones; this I did to preserve them
from the beasts and from putrefaction; and
that day I am sure I had at least ten stones
weight of excellent beef,—the white and
red were so beautifully mixed, it did one's
heart good to look at it.
Pleasures are of short date, and the
greatest pleasures have the shortest! My
master went over the lake next day to look
at my herd, and I knew the ox would be
missed. Had it not been for my beloved
beef I would have made my escape forthwith;
but my heart was knit to it, and for
my life I could not leave it. I went home
at night in great terror, but to my joy I
never saw my master half so kind. He
told me I had suffered one of my stots to be
stolen, but what could the like of me help it:
he had a rough guess who had taken him,
and would perhaps make him repent it. I
was perfectly overjoyed at this construction,
and resolved to revel in feasting and
gladness; but next day when I went back
to my ox, the hide was neatly taken off
him, so also was the head, and both were
taken away. This was perfectly unaccountable
to me; and I saw the marks of
men's feet in the mire, confirming the fact
that some body had been there stealing
the head and the skin of my ox, which
were in my eyes not worth half the labour
of taking them off. I knew not what to
make of this, but it was evident that my
prey had been discovered by some one;
and all that I could calculate farther on was,
that the hide had been stolen by some body
who stood in need of it for shoes, and the
head by one who wanted bugle-horns. It
was all one to me, as I grew more and
more a favourite with my master, who now
began to caress me more than his own
sons. No young lad in the land could be
more thrifty about meat than I was. Being
anxious to have the remainder of my
bullock out of sight, I stole salt and a small
barrel, and salted my stuff in a hole below
ground; then, when no very good meat
was going by day at my master's house, I
often fasted the greater part of it, and then
taking a coal by night, I stole away into the
wood, and roasted, and boiled, and feasted
the whole night. The beef was delicious,
and it was amazing what great quanties I
sometimes snapped up at once; for even
after I thought I could eat no more, there
was a part of white marrowy substance about
the joints, and the sides of the bones, that
I could not give over—no man could give
it over. Marry, how delicious it was! I
account that fine meat mixed with white,
that lies wedged in along the doublings
and shelves of the bones, as the most glorious
species of man's food;—round the
broad shoulder-bone, for instance, the spool-bone,—that
through which we look for the
storms. Think but of the layers of the red
and the white that lie bedded around that.
Peatstacknowe, let me feel your shoulder.
I suppose a man has no spool-bone,—ah
no!—none! Blessed Virgin! when shall I
again shire the long crooked slices of the
red meat, mixed with white, from the flats
and the hollows of a broad spool-bone!
"He is hungering and yearning to pick
my bones, the cannibal dog," said Gibby.
"But it brings me in mind of a good saying
and a true: The swine that is most
eager to feed itself is the first slaughtered
to feed others."
"The horse-leach hath drawn thee aside
from thy onward relation, thou froward
and voracious one," said the friar: "Verily,
it is better for thee that thou return to
thy tale, before thy strength be consumed
within thee."
The loss of this sturdy ox of my master's
gave rise to strange matters; matters
which quite confounded my judgment,
and which to this day I do not comprehend.
My master went away to the sheriff,
and the lord of the manor, and made
a complaint that his neighbour before-mentioned
had stolen one of his cattle, the
best that he had on his farm. This was the
man that he caressed so much, yet knew to
be a scoundrel. The complaint was attended
to, and the injury deeply resented. My
master returned with a strong body of
men, and orders to seize Glendairg, and
search all his premises; and if evidence appeared
against him, he was to be carried
before Lord William, called the Severe,
and there imprisoned in the dungeon till
time should be given him to clear himself,
which, if he failed to do in a certain period,
he was to be swung. All my master's
servants, men and women, were ordered
to proceed with the party; I went
among the rest, and certainly never witnessed
so curious a scene. Glendairg came
out and met the party with all the consciousness
of innocence; and even when
he was seized and bound, he still appeared
to doubt of the sincerity of the men, espepecially
when they told him it was at the
instance of my master.
"If that is all, it is well," said he; "I
am sure my kind friend and neighbour can
mean me no ill by it."
My master took him aside, and said to
him in the kindest and most soothing
manner, "Do not be the least disheartened,
my dear friend: You know how far I
would be from injuring you. I would not
do it for all the cows in my byre. I ken
weel wha has the ox. There is little doubt
but he is in our neighbour Bauldy's beef
stand. I have long suspected him, and
many is the good beast I have lost. You
little know how many good beasts I have
lost, and was still so loth to make it public.
But I can suffer it no longer. Let the
skaith fall upon the skaither. In the mean
time I know you are quite innocent, but
I instituted this search as a blind to him:
You must just submit and never mind it."
"O, very well, neighbour, very well,"
said Glendairg; "I knew you could not
intend me any ill,—search all out and in,
and welcome."
They did so; they searched all out and
in, and at last, when about to give up,
they found the individual ox's hide that I
slew in the bog, lying hid deep below some
hay and corn in the corner of a barn. In
another place still more unfeasible, they
found the ox's head. They were both laid
upon the green, and my master and all his
servants, myself included, swore to their
identity, as we could not do otherwise.
Glendairg looked like one bewildered, and
said there was a plot laid against his life,
which he neither understood, suspected,
nor merited. The shrieve's officers laughed
him to scorn, and proposed to hang him
up on the nearest tree; and I believed
they would have done it, had it not been
for the kindness of my master, who came
forward with tears in his eyes, and addressed
them somewhat thus:
"Alas, my masters, this is a heavy and
a sorrowful sight for me! This is the bitterest
day of my life! I have lost many
and many good cattle, and yet I would
not,—I could not, let myself suspect my
intimate friend. Think how I am grieved
to see these proofs. Yet perhaps he may
be innocent, and this may be some vile
plot laid against his life. I beg, therefore,
that he may be set at liberty, and the
whole business hushed up."
"You are a good man and a kind," said
the men; "but this thing must not be.
With our lord and master, justice must
have sway; but we will report your goodness
and generosity to him, and be sure it
will not go unrewarded. We can assure
you, that this man has not only forfeited
his life, but all his farms, as well as his
stock of cattle and sheep to yourself."
For all this my master refused to be
comforted, but wept and followed after the
men, pleading for the life and the freedom
of his friend, but he pleaded in vain; the
men bound him on a horse, and carried
him away with them to the dungeon of the
castle of Coombe. I marvelled greatly at
the great kindness and generosity of my
master, knowing, as he did, that the man
was a scoundrel; but I wondered far more
what could induce the man to steal the
hide and the head from off my ox.
My master was a married man, and
had four children; and though he was apparently
a kind husband, his wife seemed
quite unhappy and discontented, which I
thought highly unreasonable on her part.
She knew more, however, than I did; and
there are some small matters that women
never patiently put up with. He had a
number of servant-maids for the purpose
of milking cows, making hay, and cheeses,
and such things; and among them there
was a very pretty one named Kelly, with
whom he had fallen in love; and, after
long toying and courting, he had seduced
her. I knew nothing about these sorts of
concerns; but I thought Kell, as we called
her, the most beautiful, sprightly, and innocent
being that lived, and I liked to look
at her and hear her speak; and whenever
she came near me, I was like to fall a-trembling.
She slept with a little child in a
large open loft, above the room where my
master and mistress slept; and it so happened
that something came by night and
frightened her, and she refused to sleep
there any longer without some one beside
her. I slept by myself in one of the out-houses;
and it was immediately proposed
by my master that my bed should be removed,
and put up in the loft beside Kell's.
I was drunken with delight at hearing this
intelligence; yet I pretended to be very
averse to the plan, hanging my head, and
turning about my back, when any one
spoke of it, nor would I answer a word to
one of them but "Tutt," or "tutts."
"Tam Nosey, it seems ye're gaun to be
bedded wi' bonny Kell the night?"
"Tutt!"
"Ye're gaun up to sleep beside her, and
do ye think ye'll never brik lair?"
"Tutt!"
"She's a bonny burd yon, Tam, ye
maun tak care."
"Tutts!"
Well, up I went the next night to sleep
in a bed that stood side by side, or rather
end by end, with that of Kell. Oh I was
so terrified for her, or for having any communication
with her, that I would not
speak a word even when she spoke to me,
but covered myself over the head with the
bed-clothes, and lay puffing till I was like
to choak for want of breath. I did not
sleep well at all. I could not sleep, for she
was always yawning, and then saying,
"Heigh-ho!" and then hushing the child
to sleep. The next night I ventured to
lye with my head out from beneath the
clothes, unless when she spoke, which
alarmed me exceedingly; and so I did the
next night again, behaving myself with
great magnanimity. At length I came to
that pass, that when she spake to me I did
not creep down beneath the bed-clothes,
but only made a great bustle and flinging
as if I had been hiding myself. This practice
of deception I continued for several
nights, always making more and more
pouncing and scraping every time she
addressed me. She laughed at me, and
seemed highly amused, which made me
still the worse. At length she said one
night, "Pray do not creep through the
house for fright; what makes you so afraid
of me? what ill do you think I will do to
you? Heigh-ho, Nosey! I wish the bogle
may not come to-night. I am afraid it will
come, for I thought I heard it. Look that
it do not rise at the back of your bed, for
that is a very dangerous place. If it come,
Nosey, I must either come in beside you,
or you must come in beside me."—"Tutts!"
said I, and that was my first word of courting;
the first syllable that I spoke to Kell
in that luckless loft. I said, "Tutts!"
I suspected no evil intention on the part
of my kind and indulgent master, and far
less on that of Kell; indeed, how could I
suspect either? One day he said to me in
the fields, "I do not know what to do
about you and that wench Kell: for both
your sakes I believe I must separate you.
She is fallen in love with you, quite over
head and ears, and has been complaining
to our dame of your unkindness to her.
We have a great regard for the girl, and
cannot part with her,—but, out of respect
for you both, you must be separated. I
will, however, trust you together until
next week; and if she do not complain any
more, you may remain where you are; but
I suppose I will be obliged to part with
you then, though against my will."
This was a terrible stound to my heart,
and shewed my master's masterly policy;
for, notwithstanding of all my pretended
aversion to the company of women, and
to that of pretty Kell in particular, I would
not have been parted from her at that time
for all the world, not even for all the beef
and bacon that was in it. I did not know
well how to make up matters with her so
as to retain my place, but I thought I
would try. So that night I sat down on
my own bed-side with my clothes on, and
scratched my head, and beat with my bare
heel against the loft; but she had lost all
hope of gaining me to the measures agreed
on between her and her master, and took
no heed of me till I was obliged to speak
first myself, when the following highly
interesting dialogue passed between us:
"I'm unco feared the bogle come the
night, Kell."
"So am I!"
"I wasna sure, but I thought I heard
it yestreen!"
"I aince thought that I heard it a wee
too!"
"How does it play when it is gaun to
rise?"
"It begins a scart, scarting, like a rattan,
making holes, I fancy, to come out
and take us away."
"Aih! then it has just been it that I
heard!"
"Oh! I'se warrant it was, and that I
heard too!"
"Ay; O it's terrible! we're ill, ill set
here! but I'll watch a' night, and keep it
aff you, Kelly."
With that I came and sat down on the
side of her bed, to keep the invidious
scratching bogle away from her; but I
soon became drowsy, and was like to fall
down. She begged me to lay down my
head on her pillow, but I would not hear
of that. Oh! no, no, I durst not lie down
there; so I stretched me on the loft at her
bed-side, and fell asleep. Awakening before
day, the first thing I heard was the
bogle scratching. Kell had stretched her
arm below the bed, on the side opposite
to me, and was scratching slowly and
fearfully; then, pretending to awake, she
hid herself among the bed-clothes, muttered
prayers, and cried, "Heigh-ho!" I
groaned; and, stretching my hand round
the corner, scratched on the other side,
even more solemnly, and at more awful intervals
than she had affected; so that we
lay in great tribulation till the dawning of
the day.
Afraid that I had still been too slightly
obliging, and that I run the risk of being
separated from her, I studied the whole
day on the most becoming way of conducting
myself, and entered on several most
amorous resolutions; but the higher my
resolves were, the more pusillanimous was
my behaviour when put to the test. I durst
not even touch the side of her bed that
night; but the wicked unsonsy bogle still
continued its scratchings, sometimes on
the one side of the bed, and sometimes on
the other, I was therefore obliged once
more to sit down on her bed side, to guard
her from its inroads. In sitting there I
dropt asleep, and my head fell down on
her pillow—it was impossible I could help
that; and then she kindly laid the uppermost
coverlet over me for fear of my catching
cold; but I was by far too sound
asleep to perceive it. She had to pull the
covering from below me, in order that she
might lay it above me,—for all that I did
not awake, which was a great pity, but
always as she made the greatest stir, I
sniffed the louder. A while after, I turned
myself about, and gave my head a ketch
toward the back of the bed, till my cheek
came in contact with something soft; but
it was in my sleep,—and I was in one so
so profound, that I could not possibly know
what that thing was. What a fright I got
next morning on perceiving my situation!
I sprung from the bed, and ran away to the
hills to my charge, without speaking a
word.
I was, however, quite intoxicated with
delight, and endeavoured to ingratiate myself
with my master, by paying every possible
attention to his behests, lest I should
lose so delightful a place both for stolen
meat and approaching pleasures, which I
perceived would still grow more and more
sublime, and was glad when he said to me
one day that Kell had given over complaining
of my rudeness and incivility, and
he would trust me as her companion for a
little while longer. In the mean while, I
was to take care and do nothing improper;
but he had such trust to put in me,
he was not afraid of that.
He was informed every day by this subservient
beauty how matters proceeded; so
he let them go on by degrees till they arrived
at such a crisis as he desired, which
was no more than a boy lying on a girl's
bed-side with his clothes on. He then
came up with a light one night at midnight
to see how his child was resting,
pretending that he thought her ill, and
found me lying sound asleep, where perhaps
I should not have been, though I was
as innocent and as free of his mistress as
the child that lay in her bosom. He was
in great wrath, and pulled me over the bed,
giving me two or three gentle thwacks
with his open hand: he also rebuked her
very sharply, but said to us before going
away: "Keep your own secret. For both
your sakes I will conceal what I have seen,
although you have acted so very improperly;
but let me never catch you in the
like fault again. If the church get hold
of you, you are both undone."
I was dreadfully ashamed; and thence-forward
felt my heart quite reckless and
desperate, disregardful of all danger or propriety;
and my master made me still worse
by telling me that I was to part from Kell
in a few days, but that he did not like to
put me away just then, for fear of awakening
suspicions against us, for he had a great
regard for us both! I laid all these things
to heart, and could not then have staid
from Kell's bed-side a night, if my head
had been to answer for it next day. One
night we were informed that some strangers
had come to the house and were making
merry, and before we went to bed our
master sent us something to eat and drink.
I thought there was something going on
that night, for I heard a great deal of muttering
and saying of paternosters till a late
hour. However, I took up my old birth,
and after a while fell sound asleep. About
midnight we were awaked by four or five
gruff looking fellows, with long beards,
and staves in their hands, who ordered us
both to get up and dress ourselves. Our
master made a speech to them, lamenting
our guilt, and, with tears in his eyes, beseeching
their clemency toward us; but
at the same time said, that he could not
suffer such immoralities under his roof: he
had a family of his own coming up, and
bad example was pernicious. Then he
related what strict injunctions he had given
us, yet we had continued to persist in
our wicked unlawful courses; that, therefore,
he had been obliged to give us up as
lawless and irreclaimable delinquents.
All that he could now do was to intreat
theirs and the holy fathers' merciful clemency
towards the youthful offenders; for
that, although we had both mocked and set
at defiance the statutes of holy church,
he had hopes of our repentance and amendment:
And with that he delivered us over
to the officers of the church, whom he had
trysted and suborned for that purpose.
They said he was a good man, but that
the offenders must needs suffer a heavy
penance, in order that they might be again
rendered pure and without blame, in the
eyes of their fostering and protecting parent.
When Kell saw that she was betrayed
and abandoned, her grief and despair knew
no bounds, and she would doubtless have
accused her master to his face had she been
able to articulate aught distinctly,—but she
fell into fits, and they hurried her away.
We were confined to cells in different religious
houses, but both in the same ward.
It is well known what tyranny prevails here,
and what vengeance is wreaked against all
those guilty of breaches of morality, especially
if those possessed of riches or power
desire it; but it is nothing to that which
predominates over the west country, where
I then was. They fed me on bread and
water, though I asked for fat flesh, and
longed for it every hour of the day: and
always when the people assembled to worship,
I was put in the juggs; that is, I was
chained to the kirk wall with an iron collar
about my neck, and every boy brought
a rotten egg, or some filth, and threw at me,
till I was all over bedaubed and plastered
like a rough stone wall. The men gave
me a kick, and the old maids spit upon me
as they passed, but the young women
looked on me with pity; and the old wives,
before my time of penance was expired,
espoused my cause, and defended me from
the rabble. I heard them saying to one
another, "Poor fellow, somebody may be
the better o' him yet. What wad the mother
that bore him say if she saw him
standing in that guise? Surely she wad
think the punishment far outwent the
crime."
One day, just when I was about to be
set at liberty, I saw my kind master speaking
to some of the holy brethren, and was
glad when I saw him, thinking I saw the
face of the only man on earth that cared
for me. But he came with a different intent
from what I supposed, namely, with
the benevolent one of getting me hanged.
He said he had missed some money out of
his house ever since I came away; and
though he should be sorry indeed to find
any part of it on me, for his own satisfaction
he requested to search my clothes in
their presence, to which I submitted without
reluctance, being conscious of my innocence.
But he that hides knows best
where to seek. It was not long before my
kind master took out from between several
of the button-holes in the breast of my
grey coat, two gold moudiwarts, three silver
merks, and several placks and bodles.
In vain did I protest that I knew nothing
about them; the brethren pronounced me
the most incorrigible wretch and vagabond
that traversed the face of the earth; and,
as their jurisdiction extended not to such
crimes as this, they sent me off with the
proofs of my guilt to Lord William for
judgment and execution. I shall never
forget the figure I cut that day when
brought before Lord William, and accused.
I was in a wretched state as to clothes,
having stood so long in the juggs. I had
been hungered almost to death, and maltreated
in every way, and altogether looked
extremely ill. He asked them to go
over the charges against me, when one of
the brethren came forward and spoke to
him as follows:
"My noble Lord and benefactor, a worthy
gentleman within our bounds of censure
and controul, lodged a complaint with
us against two of his servants that had
been tempted by the devil to fall into lawless
and sinful communication; and notwithstanding
of all his admonitions and
threatenings of church discipline, they not
only continued in their mal-practices, but
every day grew worse and more abandoned.
He therefore prayed us to take cognizance
of the offence, which, for the sake
of their souls, and the general benefit of
our community, we undertook. Accordingly,
my lord, as he suggested, we went
disguised as strangers, and at midnight we
found this same young gentleman lying
snugly in bed beside our friend's principal
maid-servant, the very maiden to whom he
had entrusted the care of his children, one
of whom lay in the bed with them. Think
of the atrocity of this my lord, and look at
the man!"
The judge did so, and could not help
smiling.
"What do you say to that master?"
said he, "Is it truth?"
"Yes," said I.
This answer made him burst out a laughing.
"Upon my word," said he, "you
are a most extraordinary youth! Was the
girl pretty, say you, monk?"
"The woman was indeed very beautiful,
my lord."
"She has been blessed, however, with a
singular taste. I think the stripling may
almost be excused for this crime."
The monk then related the circumstances
of the stolen money having been found
on me, at which the judge shook his head,
and said, "Alak, it is all over with him.
He is unfit to live. What do you say to
this, sirrah? Is it true?"
"Yes," said I.
"True that you stole your master's money?"
said he.
"No, I never stole it, but it is true that
it was there."
"What? you found it I suppose? Tell
me the truth, did not you find it?"
"No, I never found it, nor ever saw it
till it was taken out of my coat yesterday.
I never had either gold or silver in my hand
in my life."
"Your woman took it and sewed it in
for you, then, I suppose?"
"I do not know who took it, or how it
came there, but there it certainly was."
"Did you ever part with your coat to
your sweetheart? Did you ever lend her
it to mend, or leave it at home with her?"
"I have often on warm weather left my
coat at home for three or four days rinning."
"But you declare you did not take the
money?"
"I never saw the money, nor heard of
it till yesterday."
When I said this, he looked stedfastly
on me as if he had discovered something
he saw not before. There was no man on
earth could discover truth like Lord William.
"Who is this youth's accuser?"
said he. They told him it was sleeky Tam.
"I have observed of late," said he, "that
that gentleman never searches that he does
not find, and never accuses that he does
not bring proof. I have caused several to
be executed on the evidences raised by
him, and have always remarked that he is
the only profiter by their being put down.
We must move with more caution. Let
that wench be brought before me, and stop
the execution of Jock's Sandy, whom I
ordered to be hanged to-morrow."
My late benevolent master was watching
the course of these events with punctuality,
and was terribly chagrined when
he heard that his neighbour Jock's Sandy
was reprieved. He was almost beside himself;
but, having great influence with the
holy brethren, he persuaded them to retain
Kell under their jurisdiction, and not give
her up to Lord William. In the course of
his scrutiny he had likewise discovered
some of his gold pieces on her, and had
doomed her to destruction with the rest;
yet, at the same time, he told the holy fathers
to be lenient, and altogether to overlook
that fault, which had originated from
the first, and that was one to which youth
was liable. He conjured them not to give
her up to William the Severe, who would
infallibly doom her to an ignominous death.
If she had deserved that, he said, it was
much better that she should die privately,
in which case he would pay seventy merks
annually to the church for the securing of
her soul. He was frightened for the meeting
of so many criminals before Lord William,
wicked as we were; and so high was
the influence of the convent, of which this
was a branch, that the brethren refused to
give up the offender to Lord William's officers.
After my first examination was over, I
was thrust into a dungeon beside Jock's
Sandy, who had been cast to die for stealing
the ox which I myself slew; and, when
we began to converse freely together, what
a tissue of deceit was unraveled! He asked
me if I knew any thing about that ox
for which he was to lose his life! I said I
knew very well about the ox, for I had killed
him myself: "And what a great fool
you were," said I, "to incur so much danger
for the sake of a nout's hide and a pair
of horns, for these you certainly did steal."
The man was perfectly amazed when I
told him all the truth, and promised to
procure me as much fat flesh as I could
eat every day, if I would tell the truth of
the story to Lord William. I catched at
the offer, for I had suffered so much in my
stomach of late, that I would have done far
more than he required of me for such an advantage.
Indeed I would have done any
thing, or said any thing in the world, that
I might once more enjoy my beloved mess.
He proved as good as his word, for before
night the keeper brought me a whole apron
full of bits and scraps of the fattest meat
that I ever saw,—beef, mutton, and pork.
There were some square pieces of perfect,
pure white fat, that I sliced down like
cheese! They were from the flanks of fat
beeves, the briskets of wedders, and the
ribs of fatted hogs; and I could not but
admire the want of good taste among the
gentles who had left these savoury bits to
their slaves and prisoners. I was so delighted
that I could not sleep by night, but
always awakened from my straw and fell
a-munching. I wish we saw such a feast
again; but, indeed I saw nothing, for our
house was in utter darkness; but it was a
good meat-house, and I could have been
content to have lived in it all my life.
In a few days I was once more carried
above ground for examination, where I
told the whole truth boldly, but was not
believed. No one would give credit to
the tale, that I had slain one of my master's
fattest oxen for the sake of good cheer;
such a thing, they said, would never come
into a stripling's head, and I had been
suborned to my evidence by my fellow
prisoner. Lord William asked if there
was any proof remaining that I could produce
in support of my assertion? I said I
had a part of the beef remaining, well salted
up in a barrel below ground, and covered
with a moss divot; and that I had likewise
some hid for fresh meat in some cold
well springs, and I would shew them these
if they liked. I was sent with a guard,
and shewed them the remains of my ox;
and when this was reported to Lord William,
he called me a rogue and a glutton,
and caused them to tie a rope about my
neck and lead me through the streets of
the town naked, lashing me with a whip
all the way. He then bade me make off
with myself, for if I was found within
twenty miles of that place where I stood,
he would cause me to be hewed in pieces.
My late master was taken up, and examined
face to face with those he had accused;
but how he contrived to elude
justice I never knew: ten years after,
one informed me that the dame Kelly had
accused him before Lord William of having
seduced her, and that in the most disgraceful
way, and then of forcing me into
the situation in which I was caught, for a
screen to his own guilt and shame. For
all that, it seems poor Kell was returned
to the convent, and never more heard of,
and sleeky Tam possesses both his own and
his neighbour's farm at this day.
I had begun to think that ill deeds throve
best; but I now conceived that I had paid
very dearly indeed for my late pleasures of
feasting and love, being almost flayed alive.
I cried bitterly as I fled, and cursed Lord
William and his raggamuffians that had
scourged me, and vowed to myself, if I lived
to be a man, that I would be revenged
on them. I likewise cursed my deceitful
master, but I did not curse poor Kell; indeed
I found that it was for her I wept
most bitterly, thinking myself the cause
of all her shame and suffering.
I fled next into a country called Galloway,
a place which some of you may have
heard of by chance; but I found it the
worst meat country, and the worst country
altogether, that I had ever seen. I lived
there for a number of years, leading a sort
of vagabond life, but quite an honourable
one. I learned naturally among them to
be a great thief, and an acute liar; but I
never stole any thing but fat flesh, nor do
I account any thing else worthy of running
the risk for—from that no danger
ever could, or ever shall debar me. I care
not much what sort it be, provided it be
juicy, and a layer of white next the bone.
I wonder whether men's flesh is likest to
beef, or mutton, or venison?
"I wish ye wadna always turn your
green een on me that gate when you speak
about your fat flesh," said Gibbie. "I
assure you, mine is neither like beef,
nor mutton, nor venison; and, what is
more, you shall never taste it. I appeal to
you all, masters and friends, if this man
has not fairly fallen through his tale."
"I suppose it must be very like veal,
then," continued Tam; "and if so, I have
seen a joint of cold veal very excellent
meat, more especially that adjoining the
white gristly part; with a little salt, a man
can eat a great deal of that without being
any thing the worse."
"My masters, I do protest against these
carnivorous looks of the story-teller," rejoined
Gibbie; "they make ane feel so
queerly. It is as if he were tearing my flesh
quick from the banes with his teeth. And
I call you to note that he has sticked a
story, which, from the beginning, is no
story."
"Stay till it be done, an you please,"
said Tam; "the best of my tale is yet to
come; and any man may be allowed a
breathing space and a little refreshment."
At Castle-Fern I fell in with an old man
called the Gorb, an itinerant fencer, who
travelled the country teaching the art of
the sword. To him I attached myself,
somewhat against his will; for I saw that,
though he was not everywhere a welcome
guest, he was nevertheless a privileged
one, and always admitted. He was six feet
high, with a beard that hung to his middle,
and his frame was entirely composed of
bones and sinews. The feats that he described
to me of warrior prowess first
raised in me a desire to learn his noble
art; and as soon as I began to manifest a
partiality for his profession, he began to
attach himself to me, but in a manner so
ungracious, that if I had not been a being
quite desperate, I never could have borne
it. We moved on from place to place;
the young men of the country assembled
in parties, as we passed, to attend his lessons;
and at night we had free-quarters
wherever we went; that is, the Gorb was
a free man,—but many pointed inuendos
were thrown out against my introduction
as an additional burden. These people had
better have let the matter pass over, for he
did not fail to pay them back with interest
in bitter and sarcastic retorts. On
some of these occasions he gave me a terrible
character of the country and its inhabitants.
"You are come, poor man, to sojourn
in the worst country under the cope of
heaven," said he, "into a place where there
is no faith, no honour, no money, and very
little meat."
"What do they live on in general?"
said I.
"On some wretched roots, pulse, and
black corn," said he; "some lean unhealthy
fish, and still more lean and sapless cattle."
"I like the country a great deal the
worse," said I. "Is the flesh here so very
lean?"
"Why ask?" said he; "have you not
witnessed it?"
"No, I am very sorry I have not," said
I. "I supposed it had been lent in this
country. As for their faith or honour I
care not a pin. Their money is of little
avail to me; but I hate to stay in a country
where there is no meat: and how they
can transact business without money is beyond
my comprehension."
"They have none, however," said he,
"nor was there ever any in this country.
They transact all their business on a thing
called credit, which commonly attaches itself
to a man for a number of years, sometimes
for a long, and sometimes a very short
term. This enables him to cheat his neighbours
for a time, and all his exertions tend
only to this, namely, how many he can
take in, and to what amount; and when he
has gone as far as this ideal quality of his
can carry him, he takes to the bent, and
leaves them all in the lurch. This is the
exact state of this blessed country called
Galloway, and will be its state as long as
it continues to exist. The only rational
hope concerning it is, that, as it is a sort
of butt-end of the creation, it will perhaps
sink in the ocean, and mankind will be rid
of it."
He then took a hearty fiendish laugh at
the conceit of the country being sunk, and
went on.—
"After all, I cannot help being amazed
at the rascally crew. Do not you see how
suspicion and distrust are stamped on every
countenance? Every man makes a bargain
with apparent reluctance, and with a dread
that his neighbour is going to cheat him;
and he is never mistaken. Such is the
country, and such are the people to whom
you have now come, and such must they
ever continue to remain. It is in their nature
to be so, and they cannot be otherwise.
Here am I, their master and benefactor,
who have spent my life in teaching
them the noblest of all sciences, without
which they could not have defended their
country. I have taught every chief in the
country, and every one of their vassals,
and how am I requited? Ill-clothed,
worse fed, and not a bodle in my purse.
All my recompense is the freedom of living
a life of fatigue and wretchedness."
"I will not stay another night in the
country of such a parcel of rogues," said I.
"You are wrong," answered he: "It is
the best country you can be in. You have
nothing to lose, and you may gain much.
Experience is a man's greatest riches; and
of that you will gain abundance. You will
here learn hourly how to oppose cunning
to cunning; and I will teach you the noble
art of opposing masterly skill to brutal
force, until you may haply be established
as my assistant and successor."
"I would rather dispense with the honour,"
said I: "You are too lean for me
to think of being your successor. Were
you a fat full-fed man, I would not say
what I might do to attain the distinction;
but I have made up my mind to one thing,
which is, always to have my meat, honestly
if I can, but at all events to have it."
"You are so far right in your principle,"
said he: "For when we consider of
it, a man can have very little more than
his meat in this world, for all the struggling
and strife there is in it. But since
you set so high a value on good living, I
can, if I please, assist you to it; for, poor
and wretched as I appear, and as I am, I
have a right to call for and command the
best in every house. I could likewise take
their clothes, for money they have none;
but it would be like tearing the hearts out
of the dogs,—so I content myself with the
meanest fare, rather than humble myself to
ask ought of them."
"You are an extraordinary man," said
I: "But when I look at you, I cannot
conceive this privilege of yours to exist in
aught but in theory."
"You shall see," said he. "What sort
of meat would you prefer?"
"Fat flesh at all times and all seasons,"
said I: "There is nothing like that.
Whether it be the flesh of bullock, hog, or
wedder, the fattest is always the best."
"What a kite! What a raven! What a
dog!" exclaimed he: "Well, you shall
have it, if it were but to kill you of a surfeit."
We were lying in a barn when this discourse
occurred, and I could not but wonder
what the old fellow would do. It was
customary for us to take our breakfast at
the place where we lodged, and if I might
judge from our supper, the place where we
then were gave no prospect of very rich fare.
The breakfast was produced; a quantity
of black brochen and lentiles. The master
of defence wist not how to break the ice by
introducing a refusal of the proffered meal!
but he considered himself as pledged to
me, and his haughty spirit would not succumb.
His looks were particularly embarrassed
and amusing, and I saw that he
would gladly have been free of his engagement,
as he began a long palaver of general
remarks. I kept up my good hopes,
and gave him always an expecting look
now and then, to make him hold to his
resolution. The people of the house paid
little attention to his harangue, till at
length he concluded with these words:
"Such being the case, and such the state
of the country, I am obliged now to claim
all my rights, privileges, and dues from
every vassal of my lord of Galloway, as
well as from every subject of our liege lord
the king, whose commission I bear. Goodman
Latchie, I accept no more of black
croudy and lentiles for breakfast: I claim,
order, and command the best that is in
this house. In place of that hog's meat,
let us have a rasher on the coals, if you so
please."
"The muckle fiend be atween your
teeth, then, to choak you wi' the first bite!"
said the goodwife.
"Farmer Latchie, I contend not with
women," said the man of the sword: "Are
you aware of my rights, or do you know
and dispute them?"
"I consider yours as merely a nominal
right," said he, "which no man is bound
to fulfil, because no man does it. All my
lord's vassals treat you with common fare.
Why should I do more?"
With that a raw-boned young man stepped
forward, with a black beard and a ruffian
look. He was the farmer's eldest son,
and his name was John.
"What is all this din about," said he:
"Let me speak, will ye, Master Gorb?
Either take that which is set before you,
or go away without it. I say that."
"You say that? Do you, sir?" said
my master.
"Yes; sure I do," said he: "I says
that, and I'll say it again too, to be sure I
will."
"Then there is my gage, sir. Do you
know to what you have subjected yourself?"
said my master, pulling out his
sword, and laying it on the board: "You
have given the king's ordained swordsman
the denial; you must fight him, or find
one on the instant to do it for you. If he
kills you, he is entitled to take off your
head and send it to the king; and if you
kill him, you lose your head, and all the
goods and chattels of your house are to be
confiscate. Rescue or no rescue? Draw,
craven! or yield me up the keys of your
pantry, your chest, and your sunken cellar,
you dog."
"I does nae see the sense o' that, Master
Gorb," said John, with a countenance right
sorely altered: "that a man maunna say
his awn's his awn, or what's his father's is
his father's, but that he maun tak up sword
and swordsman. I does nae fear thee. It's
no to say that I fears thee; but I winna be
bullied intil aught; and I just tells thee,
that I'll neither fight thee nor suffer thee
to get a scrap o' aught better than is set
afore thee; and gang and seek thy mends.
Now I says that."
"Thou art a craven and a nincompoop,"
said my master, with the highest indignation;
"and I lift my pledge, and will report
thee to thy betters."
"Do if thou mayest," cried old Latchie,
running to an armour chest, and taking
from thence a sword and buckler. "Disgrace
of my house! To give the challenge,
and then to flinch. Have with thee,
Bellwether! I will give you to know, that
old masons are the best barrowmen."
"I ground my pledge again, and I take
thee," said my master. But now the old
woman came running between them, crying
out, "Deil be i' your teeth! deil be i'
your teeth! Tak a' that's i' the house an'
haud you wi't: there are the keys; there are
the keys! deil be i' your teeth, take a'—and
let us alane o' your din." The Gorb waved
the keys aside with his arm in high indignation;
but the wife clung to her point.
"I take you a' witnesses," cried she, "I
take you a' witnesses, I have offered him
the keys, and he has refused them. Here,
young Gorb; young hing-by-the-gut, take
ye them, take ye them. Deil be i' your
teeth, take a' that's i' the house."
I took the keys lest they should be forgot
in the hurry; the two old fellows took
to the field with sword and buckler, while
both the old dame and her son John strove
to interfere; but the old yeoman silenced
them both with a word, and I thought he
would have struck his son down with the
sword, so much was he enraged at his behaviour.
I had seen much sword play by this
time in the way of amusement, or lesson-taking;
but I had never seen two men
meet in deadly foil, and I trembled for the
event; for I judged, that if the old Gorb
was killed, it would fare hardly with me,
being conscious that I was the moving
cause of the combat. My master's demeanour
was altogether inimitable. He went
through every thing as if it had been a
matter of mere ceremony, first slipping
gracefully to one side, crossing his hands on
his breast, bowing profoundly, and then
shaking hands with Latchie: then swimming
gracefully to the other side, and repeating
the same manœuvre. Last of all,
he wheeled about, cut some wild flourishes
with his sword, and took his distance. The
yeoman bit his lip, and appeared to be viewing
all these things with disdain; but he
set himself firm on his legs with his left
foot foremost, and setting up his broad
bonnet before, waited the onset. The Gorb
on the contrary advanced with his right
foot foremost; and, instead of availing himself
of the buckler as the former did, he
came forward bearing it up behind him as
high as his head. He seemed to wear it
merely because the other did, but he was
too proud to make any use of it. Nothing
ever did, or ever will exceed the singularity
of that combat: the figures of the men,
and their manner of fighting, being so different.
Latchie was short and squat, the
Gorb somewhat like the skeleton of a giant.
The art of fighting which the former pursued
was to shield himself behind his broad
buckler, peep over it, and now and then
make dreadful blows around it with the
full swing of his body, as if he meant to cut
my master through the middle, or shear
off both his thighs. On such occasions the
Gorb, beside parrying the stroke, made
such tremendous springs off at a side, that
he rather appeared like a spirit than any
thing of bones, sinews, and blood, for as to
flesh there was none on him; and at every
one of these leaps he uttered a loud "Hoh!"
as if he had been mortally wounded, or in
great danger of having been so; yet all the
while his face was so sublimely grave and
serious as if every movement were to have
been his last. He never attempted to hit
the yeoman, and had apparently no other
aim in fighting, than merely to show his
dexterity in fencing, retreating, and advancing.
I deemed that all was over with him,
and began to be mortally afraid of myself;
and any man would have acknowledged
what good reason I had, if he had witnessed
with what looks the wife and son regarded
me. Every one of them thought
the Gorb had the worst of it, and that the
farmer was sure of the day. Indeed by this
time there was little doubt of it. The old
wife thrice clapped her hands, and screamed
out, "Weel proven, goodman! that
gars him scamper? Weel proven, Daniel
Maclatchie! Lie to the breastleather." At
these words I began to look over my
shoulder, and meditate a most strenuous
flight. But now the most novel scene of
all occurred: my master still continued to
change his ground, and to skip and fly
about, until at length the yeoman, encouraged
by his wife's words, came hard upon
him, and, heaving up his shield a little, he
came with a deadly stroke round below it,
ettling to cut off both my master's legs.
"Hoh!" cried the Gorb, as loud as he
could vociferate; and as the little squat
yeoman stooped to the stroke, he made
such a spring into the air that he leaped
fairly over his head; and as he passed like
a meteor over above him, he gave him such
a slap with the broad side of his sword on
the hind cants of the head, that it made
the farmer run forward and fall with his
nose on the ground. He was again on his
feet, however, in an instant, and faced
about, while his eyes streamed with water
from the sharpness of the stroke. This feat
astonished the Latchies; but the wife cried
out, "A barley! a barley! foul play!—he's
fighting on springs."
"Emblem true of thy accursed country!"
cried the Gorb, and kicking off his
sandals at her head, he took his ground on
his bare soles. The combatants set to it
again; but the yeoman was now on his
guard, and fought shy, standing on the defensive.
My master soon grew tired of
this way of fighting; and, after two or
three flying feints at an attack, in a moment
he wrenched Latchie's sword from
his grasp, and threw it into the air like a
sling-stone. The lookers on gazed in
amazement,—and the astonished yeoman
traced the course of his erratic weapon,
which, after forming an arch like a rainbow,
lighted at the distance of forty yards.
John, the farmer's son, was the first who
ventured a remark on the phenomenon,
which he did with his accustomed shrewdness,
and in the Cumberland brogue, which
he had learned by living some years in that
district.
"Feyther, I thinks thou hast thrown
away thee swoard."
"Ay," said his father, biting his lip, and
looking after it.
By this time the Gorb had his sword at
Latchie's throat, crying, "Rescue, or no
rescue, I say? Yield, traitor, or die."
Latchie paid no regard to him. He only
bit his lip, looked after his sword, and
stood his ground firm without moving,
showing a most unyielding and dauntless
spirit.
The Gorb repeated his threat, but the
yeoman paid no further attention to it than
before.
"What an unlucky accident!" said he.
"Had I not thrown away my sword, I
would have humbled you."
"Do you regret the loss of your sword
so much?" said the Gorb. "Will you promise,
on the honour of a good yeoman,
not to throw it away in like manner
again?"
"Promise?" said the other: "I will
swear on it, and by it, never to part with
it in like manner again."
"Young man," said my master to me,
"run and bring me this brave yeoman's
sword."
I brought it, and he took it by the point,
and delivered it back to the owner with
all manner of courtesy. Latchie took it
in his hand, and let the point of it slant towards
the ground in token of submission.
"Nay, nay, I deliver it," cried my master.
"I would not see such a man show
fear or pusillanimity for any thing. Exchange
me three times three, and no more;
and God stand by the right. I counsel
thee, moreover, to assume thy best defence,
as I propose to do thee all manner
of injury."
"So be it. I defy you still," said Latchie,
and took his ground a second time.
His wife and son spoke a great deal by
way of interference, but were totally disregarded.
The combat began again with
more fury than ever; but at the second or
third time of crossing their weapons, Daniel
Maclatchie's sword betook itself again
into the firmament, and after tracing nearly
the same course as formerly, alighted
on the same spot.
"You are the devil and none else," said
Latchie, "and I yield to my conqueror. I
am at your disposal."
"And I will use my advantage, as in
duty and in honour bound," said the Gorb:
"Rise up my friend and brother; you are
a man of true genuine spirit. I honour
you, and I estimate your country more
this morning, for your sake, than I have
hitherto done. I claim your friendship as
a brother in arms. You shall not have
cause to repent this spirited encounter."
The farmer was greatly flattered by this
speech. I gave up the keys; and there
was no end of kindness and endearment
between the two old fellows. We had
our rasher on the coals; and I think I have
scarcely risen from a better diet than I did
that day. I got the greater part to myself,
for the rest were all so busy talking and
drinking cold ale, that they hardly thought
of the bacon. It was nicely toasted, and
the fat stood on it like small drops of
honey. But I must not dwell on the recollection
else I shall faint.
At our meal the yeoman offered my
master a new war cloak, with belts, bands,
and haversack, if he would tell him by
what means he disarmed him with such
ease, and in so extraordinary a manner;
but the other absolutely refused.
"It is allowable in chivalry," said he,
"to learn and practice any mode of manual
defence, and to keep that mode a secret
till you prove it on your opponent. That
is my secret, and by that mode I would
forfeit my life, nay my character itself, to
disarm any man that ever pointed a two-edged
sword at my breast."
"I should have liked very much to have
known that secret of his," said Charlie
Scott.
I found it out privately with the most
perfect certainty, continued Tam; but
durst never let him know that I understood
aught of the matter. It was owing
to his sword's handle, which was made for
the purpose. It had an inner shell of steel
polished like glass; then an outer one of
basket-work, formed with rounded bars in
such a manner that, by turning his hand in
a slight degree to humour the position of
the opponent's sword, and dashing his hilt
against the point of it, that entered between
those of the cross-bars, and, running
up the polished steel within, bent and fixed
itself; then by a sudden wrench against
his opponent's thumb, of which he was a
perfect master, he not only disarmed him
to a certainty, but generally left his arm
powerless. After I had discovered it, I
went by myself to try the experiment,
fixed my own sword, and taking my master's
in my hand, I pushed the basket of
that slightly against the point of the other,
and behold it fixed in it so close, that with
all my might, and all my art, I could not
extricate it without breaking it in two,
and, in that case, I saw I would leave the
point sticking where it was, which I durst
not do for my life. At length it came into
my head to do as my master did. This
had the effect at once; the vibration in the
blade caused by the swing and jerk, made
it loosen, and it flew away through the air
like a fiery dragon.
"Master Michael Scott," said Gibbie,
"and my friends, I again appeal to you all
if this man has not fallen through his tale.
It is turning out no tale at all, but merely
an offputting of time, till we shall all perish
of hunger."
"The story of the hapless maiden Kell,
and of our hero's first essays in love, I did
admire and prize," said the poet.
"Od help your crazed head," said Charlie:
"I wadna gie that duel atween the
twa auld chaps for a creelfu' o' love stories."
"Lo, the tale is good," said the friar;
"but it goeth here and there, without bound
or limit; and wherefore should not a man
relate all that befalleth unto him. I suppose
it behoveth our friend to go on, without
turning aside to the right hand or to the
left.
"My tale is indeed long, but to me it is
momentous. I should stop here pleasantly;
but life is sweet,—and, to give me a fair
chance for mine, I beg to be permitted to relate
one adventure more." This, after some
demur, was granted, and Tam went on:
After spending several years among the
hills of Galloway, and being approved of
by the Gorb (as he was called by every
body, though his name was Macdougald)
for a good swordsman, I tired of the country,
being persuaded that the ground did
not fatten the cattle properly; and from
the moment I began to suspect that, I had
no more satisfaction in the place, but utterly
despised it. I perceived that their beef
was never above an inch thick in the ribs,
and what was worse, it was not properly
mixed with white layers of fat; even the
doubles in the broad bone of the shoulder
were nothing but pure red lire. This will
never do, thought I. How I despise the
people that can put up with such a country
as this!
"Master," says I, one day, "I am quite
tired of this country, and am going to leave
it."
"Wherefore are you going to leave it,
Thomas? Have not I been better and kinder
to you than to myself?"
"For all that, master, I am resolved not
to sojourn another week in it."
"I warned you that they were a deceitful
people before," said he; "but we must
take them as they are. We cannot make
mankind as we would wish to have them."
"It is not for the men, nor for the women
either, that I dislike the country so
much," said I.
"What is it then for?" said he.
"It is," said I, "because I suspect that
their grass is not of a good quality."
I will never forget the look that the
Gorb turned on me. He was walking
somewhat before me, but when he heard
my reason for disliking Galloway he wheeled
about, and, taking one of his most striking
upright positions, with his lean shoulders
set up like two pins, he stared at me
with his mouth wide open; and then put
the following questions to me at long intervals.
"Grass! eh! How do you mean?"
"Look at it," said I; "What substance
is in that wiry stuff, and on these hills of
black heather!"
The Gorb's jaws fell down with dismay.
He visibly thought that I was deranged,
but he answered me mildly to humour my
malady.
"True, the grass is not good; it never
was, and never will be so. But I have not
observed that you ever eat much of it; nor
can I see how a man's happiness any way
depends upon the quality of the grass of a
country."
"If that be all the sense that you have,"
thought I, "I will disdain for my part to
exchange another word with you on the
subject. Since you think that a man's happiness
can depend on any thing else but
good grass, you shall be followed no longer
by me."
"Well," continued he, after waiting a
while for an answer, "I see you are sulky
about this whim, but I will humour it. I
have nearly finished my terms among the
mountains, and we shall descend upon the
shores, where there is as good grass as any
in Scotland, and I promise you full liberty
to go into every field that you chuse, and
take your bellyful of it. I have likewise
many things to teach you, which will amuse
you in the highest degree, and which belong
to the sublime art of legerdemain."
"What is that?" said I.
"It is the art," said he "that enables us
to see things and people as they really are.
There is scarcely any thing on this earth
really what it appears to be; and this art I
have yet to teach you."
From that day forward he began and
performed feats that entirely bewildered
my senses, but which furnished, wherever
we were, a great fund of amusement; all
the young people believed him to be in
compact with the devil. I have forgot
them all but one, which I will remember
as long as I live.
We came to a wealthy yeoman's house
on the river Urr, where we were to remain
several days; and while he exercised the
farmer's sons in fencing, I kept the young
peasants in exercise—and then in the hall
in the evenings he went on with his cantrips.
There was a delicious shoulder of
bacon hanging up on the farmer's brace,
among many meaner hams and pieces of
wretched dried flesh. I believe I had fixed
my eyes on it, and perhaps my heart a little
too. Whether the Gorb noticed this
and dreaded the consequences or not, I cannot
tell, but he began a speech about things
not being what they appeared to be, and
offered to give us a striking instance."
"Take down the choicest and best ham
among all these above the fire," said he.
I did so, taking down the shoulder of bacon
with great alacrity.
"Take down the worst," said he. I did
so; it was one of venison dried like a crooked
stick.
"Which do you account the best?" said
he. I told him. "Well, you are mistaken,"
said he; "and I'll convince you of
it. Roll them both neatly up in straw,
or as you will."
I did so.
"Now, do you know the one from the
other?"
"Yes."
"Very well: heave them up again that
you may not be mistaken in the weight.
Now, cross your hands, and heave them
with different hands. Quite sensible they
are the same?"
"Quite sensible."
"Very well. Take them aside by yourself
and look at them. You will now see
them as they really are, not as they appeared
to your eyes."
I hastened and opened out the shoulder
of bacon. It was nothing but three dried
bones, hanging together by tendons, and
stuffed up into the shape of an overgrown
shoulder of bacon with brawn, which was
covered round with a piece of a sow's hide.
I shed some tears at this blighting discovery;
for though the bacon was not
mine, I felt in my heart that I did not
know how matters were to come about. I
hung the two hams up as they were, and
was cured of my itching eye; but no man
can tell how things will come round to
the advantage of an acute and clever fellow.
While we were at that house, the country
was raised to follow the Lord of Galloway
into Cumberland. It was a great
rising, the utmost quota being demanded
of every yeoman in the country, in terms
of his villanage. Our landlord got a charge
to find five, whereas he had none to send
save three, unless he and his eldest son
both went, which would have been grievously
against him at that time; so he applied
to my master and me to go on his
behoof, offering large conditions, which
were soon accepted. The principal, if not
the sole thing that induced me to go out
on that raide, was the stipulation that I was
to have my choice of all the meat in the
house, to the amount of what I could conveniently
carry on my back in a march.
After a great deal of choosing, I fixed on
a small beef-ham, because it was solid, and
no bones in it, and blest my master's ingenuity
that had let me into the secret of
the deceitful shoulder of bacon. The next
that came after me was a blade of endless
frolic and humour, named Harestanes.
He instantly snapped at the bacon-ham,
and popped it into his goatskin wallet,
nodding his head, and twisting his mouth
at me, as much as if he had said, "What a
taste you have! I am glad you had not
the sense to take this." I could easily
have prevented him, by revealing the secret;
but he had always been trying to
make a fool of me, therefore I could
scarcely contain my mirth at his mistake,
and resolved to enjoy his disappointment
in full. He was a sprightly handsome
youth, and had such a forward and impertinent
manner that he contrived to make
friends in every family that we passed by,
particularly with the women, so that he
lacked nothing that he desired; and tho'
I watched him night and day for fear of
losing the sport, he never took out his bacon
to break it up till the fourth day after
our departure. My beef-ham was by that
time more than half done. It was a most
wretched piece of meat, being as hard as
wood, and bitter as gall; but I was still
comforted with this, that it was so much
better than my comrade's.
It was about eight o'clock on a morning,
on the English side of the Border,
that Harestanes first loosed out his wallet
to make a breakfast of his bacon; and he
being very hungry, I sat down beside
him to enjoy the sport, taking out my
black beef likewise. All that I could do I
could not retain my gravity while he was
loosening the cords, and taking the straw
from about his ham, which made him look
wistfully at me, and ask what the fool
meant? But when I saw him look seriously
and greedily at it, and then take out his
knife to cut off a great slice, I lost all power,
and fell on the ground in a convulsion
of laughter, while my voice went away to
a perfect wheezle. He could not comprehend
me in the least degree, and actually
began to cut! yes, he actually began to
cut through the bristly skin, while I lay
spurring the ground, and screaming with
anticipation of the grand joke that was to
ensue. Before I could recover my sight
from amid the tears of extravagant mirth,
the scene was changed; and I shall never
forget the position in which the puppy sat,
when my eyes cleared. No, it is impossible
I ever can forget it! Conceive a wicked
impertinent frolicksome whelp of a tailor,
for he was nothing better, who had been
with Sir Robert Graham's maids all the
night, and was so hungry that you might
almost have cast a knot on him, sit down
to take a hearty luncheon of his bacon
ham; and then conceive his looks when he
found he had nothing but rubbish and dry
bones. If you conceive these, you will conceive
the very scene that I saw, at least that
I conceived and saw in my mind's eye.
How could I but laugh? No! It was impossible
I could abstain from laughter;—but
yet, for all that, things turned out quite the
reverse. He had actually sliced off a rasher
of bacon, the fattest, the whitest, and the
most beautiful rasher of bacon ever I had
seen in my life! There were three distinct
layers of lire and fat, curving alternately
through it like quarter moons. No man
ever beheld such a sight! He sliced out
another piece, which was still more perfectly
beautiful than the preceding one. My
eyes darkened. I had seen enough to
shew me the enormity of my folly, and my
irreparable loss! He roasted his rashers on
the fire. The fat fried out of them, and
flamed among the embers; and when he
laid them on his bread, they soaked it all
with pure liquid fat. And there was I sitting
beside him, gnawing at my piece of
infernal beef, the sinewy hip of some hateful
Galloway stott that had died of the
blackleg, and, having been unfit for ought
else, had been dried till the hateful substance
was out of it. Yet I had my choice
of both, and took this. I shall never wish
any friend of mine to suffer such pangs as
I did that morning; for all that I had suffered
in my dangers and disappointments
was nothing to them. I would fain have
slain the Gorb privately; but not daring to
do that, I resolved never to see his face
again, after the vile trick he had played.
All my hopes and all my enjoyments of
the foray being now ended, I resolved on
taking my departure, and that by the time
my enemy had the first slice of bacon eaten.
We had orders to halt all that day, for
the Johnstons and the Jardines were a
day's march before us. Their advanced columns
had fallen back; and as the troops
were sleeping or straggling about, I prepared
for my departure. My comrade having
been with the knight's women all the
night, a set of creatures madder than himself,
he was quite worn out; and as soon as
he got his inside lined with the salutary
beverage, he fell fast asleep. An inward
light now began to dawn on my heart,
brighter than the sun at noon day, and
lighting my steps forward to future felicity.
My breath cut short with ecstatic delight,
and my knees trembled as I formed the resolution
of changing hams with my hopeful
comrade. His wallet was lying open—not so
the tailor's eyes: I might have exchanged
coats, and shoes too, for him. The great
work was done in an instant. I whipped
out his shoulder of bacon, and put my
piece of black timber in its place. "Take
you that, honest man," said I to myself:
"Time about is fair play. I have given
you something that will exercise your
jaws for a while."
When I found that I had this most delicious
of all morsels on my back, I was so
light that I scarcely felt my feet touch the
ground; and there being no time now to
lose, I made straight away into England,
for I durst not turn towards Scotland, the
sentinels being so very thick on that quarter.
Our advanced guard was composed of the
Gordons from the Ken,—a set of desperate
raggamuffins whom I durst not have gone
among had it not been fair forenoon. I had
my wallet on my back and my sword by
my side; and when I saw any of them
eying me, I went up to them and asked
how far the Johnstons were before us?
"What the devil was I wanting with
the Johnstons?"
"O, I was afraid there might be a battle
fought before I saw it, which I would
not should happen for any thing in the
world."
"Hear to the coulter-nibbit piper," said
one.
"He is as like supping a pint o' fat
brose as killing an Englishman," said another.
"I wadna trust him wi' ought beyond
a litter o' English pigs," said a third.
"Let him gang forrit, and fiend that he
get his chafts clawn the first sword that's
drawn! I wadna that his name were Gordon
for a hunder civis."
Accordingly I got liberty to pass; but
as soon as I got out of sight, I turned to
the left, and escaped to the moors of Bewcastle.
I had now found out the invaluable
art of flint and frizzle, and could
kindle a fire whenever I pleased. So I
sought out a lonely wild dell, and lighting
a fire of birns and strong heather, roasted
two slashing slices of my shoulder of bacon.
I also took a good shave of bread
from my friend the tailor's hearth-bannock;
but after all I could not think of adulterating
the savoury delicious fare by any unnatural
intermixture,—so I ate up the dry
bread by itself, and then smacked up the
bacon afterwards. I cannot describe my
sensations of delight, not only in my meal,
but in contemplating the beauty of the
object. I sat long feasting my eyes on the
beauty of the slices before I committed
them to the coals. They were curved so
beautifully in semi-circles, the fat and the
lire time about, that, unless for such an
object, the term beauty would have no
meaning. They lay alternately, as if it
were this way, and this way, and this way.
"I protest against your drawing of your
pictures on my shoulder," cried Gibbie;
"and also against the party being any
longer mocked with such fulsome trash in
place of a story. Do you not perceive,
Sir Master, and do you not all perceive,
that he is havering and speaking without
end or aim? He is sensible that he has
failed in his story; and that a dismal fate
awaits him, and all that he is now intent
on is driving of time."
"I confess that I am sick of the bacon
and other fat things," said Charlie.
"My soul disdains the abject theme,"
said the poet: "Its tantalizing sight is like
the marshfire's vacant gleam to the bewildered
wight. 'Tis throwing meat to
hungry souls, with fainting sore opprest;
or drink unto the parched lips, whereof they
may not taste."
"Let us show some spirit, wretched as
we are," said Gibbie, "and protest with
one assent against being farther sickened,
as well as mocked by such loathsome stuff."
This is unfair, and using undue influence,"
cried Tam. "None of you were
thus interrupted, but got time to finish
your stories as you liked. Mine is not
done; the best part of it is yet to come,
and I say it is unfair. Great Master, you
sit as judge; I appeal to you. My life has
been varied. Let them chuse what sort of
a theme they want, and I will fit them,
only suffer me to relate one other exploit."
The Master, on whom hunger seemed
to make no impression, thought the request
was reasonable; but in making choice,
every one of them, young and old, pitched
on a different subject, so that Tam could
not get proceeded; neither can this chapter,
as an extraordinary incident befel,
which naturally brings it to an end.
END OF VOL. II.