No character in this book is drawn from any
person now living.
I ABSALOM JAY
THE THIRTEEN TRAVELLERS
Somewhere in the early nineties was Absalom
Jay's first period. He was so well known a figure
in London at that time as to be frequently caricatured
in the weekly society journals, and Spy's "Absalom,"
that appeared in the 1894 volume of Vanity Fair, is
one of his most successful efforts. In those days were
anyone so ignorant as to be compelled to ask who Jay
was he would probably receive the answer: "Oh, don't
you know? He's a cousin of John Beaminster's. He
founded the "Warrington" with Pemmy Stevens. He's....
Oh, I don't know.... He goes everywhere.
Knows more people than anyone else in London, I
should imagine."
Spy's caricature of him has caught that elegant
smartness that was Absalom's most marked individuality,
too smart critics have been known to say; and
certainly, if the ideal of correct dress is that no one
should notice your clothes Absalom was not correct.
Everyone always noticed his clothes. But here again
one must be fair. It may not have been altogether his
clothes that one noticed. From very early years his
hair was snow-white, and he wore it brushed straight
back from his pink forehead in wavy locks. He wore
also a little white tufted Imperial. He had an eyeglass
that hung on a thick black cord. His favourite colour
was a dark blue, and with this he wore spats (in summer
of a truly terrific whiteness), a white slip, black tie,
and pearl pin. He wore wonderful boots and shoes and
was said to have more of these than any other man in
London. It was also said that his feet were the smallest
(masculine) in the British Isles. He was made altogether
on a very small scale. He was not, I should think, more
than five-feet-six in height, but was all in perfect proportion.
His enemies, of whom he had, like everyone
else, a few, said that his wonderful pink complexion
was not entirely Nature's work, but here his enemies
lied. Even at the very last he did not give way to the
use of cosmetics. He was the kindest-hearted little
man in the world, and in the days of his prosperity was
as happy as the day was long. He lived entirely for
Society, and because this is intended to be a true portrait,
I must admit that there was something of the
snob in his character. He himself admitted it frankly.
"I like to be with people of rank," he would say, "simply
because I'm more comfortable with them. I know just
what to say to Johnny Beaminster, and I'm tongue-tied
with the wife of my barber. Que voulez-vous?"
I'm afraid, however, that it went a little further than
that. In the Season his looking-glass was thronged
with cards, invitations to dinner and dances and musical
evenings. "I live for Society," he said, "as some men
live for killing pheasants, and other men for piling up
money. My fun is as good as another man's. At any
rate I get good company."
It was his intention to be seen at every London
function, public or private, that could be considered a
first-class function; people wondered how he got about
as he did. It seemed as though there must be three or
four Absaloms.
His best time was during the last few years of King
Edward VII.'s reign. His funny little anxious face
could be frequently seen in those groups of celebrities
invited to meet the King at some famous house-party.
It was said that the King liked his company, but I
don't know how that can have been because Absalom was
never in his brightest days very amusing. He talked
a good deal, but always said just what everyone else
said. He was asked everywhere because he was so safe,
because he was so willing to fetch and carry, and
because he knew exactly what it was that ladies wanted.
He entertained only a little in return, but nobody
minded that because, as everyone knew, "he really
hadn't a penny in the world"—which meant that he
had about £1,500 a year in various safe investments.
A year before the war he was seized with a little
gust of speculation. Against the advice of "Tony"
Pennant, who looked after his investments for him,
he ventured to buy here and sell there with rather
serious results. He pulled up just in time to save
disaster, but he had to give up his little house in
Knightsbridge and took a flat at Hortons in Duke
Street. Although this was a "service" flat he still
retained his man James, who had been with him for a
number of years and knew his habits to perfection.
He made his rooms at Hortons charming, and he
had the dark blue curtains and the gold mirror bristling
with invitations, and the old coloured prints and the
big, signed photographs of Queen Alexandra and the
Duchess of Wrexe in their silver frames, and the heavy
silver cigarette-box that King Edward had given him,
all in their accustomed places. Of course, the flat was
small. His silver-topped bottles and silver-backed
brushes, and rows of boots and shoes and the two big
trouser-presses simply overwhelmed his bedroom.
But he was over sixty-five now (although he would
have been horrified if he thought that you knew it)
and he didn't need much space—moreover, he was
always out.
Then came the war, and the first result of this was
that James joined up! During those first August days
Absalom hadn't fancied that the war would touch him
at all, although he was hotly patriotic and cried out
daily at the "Warrington" that he wished he were a
lad again and could shoulder a gun.
James's departure frightened him; then "Tony"
Pennant explained to him that his investments were
not so secure as they had been and he'd be lucky if any
of them brought him in anything. And of course the
whole of his social world vanished—no more parties, no
more balls, no more Ascots and Goodwoods, no more
shooting in Scotland, no more opera. He bustled
around then in a truly remarkable manner and attacked
his friends with the pertinacity of a bluebottle. The
war was not a month old before Bryce-Drummond
secured him a job in one of the Ministries at six hundred
a year. It was not a very difficult job (it consisted
for the most part in interviewing eager young
men, assuring them that he would do his best for them,
and then sending them along to somebody else). He
had a room to himself, and a lady typist who looked
after him like a mother. He was quite delighted when
he discovered that she was a daughter of the Bishop
of Polchester and very well connected. She was most
efficient and did everything for him.
He took his work very seriously indeed, and was
delighted to be "doing his bit." No one knew exactly
what it was that he did at the Ministry, and he himself
was very vague about it, but he hinted at great things
and magnificent company. During those first years
when there were so many wonderful rumours, he
hinted and hinted and hinted. "Well, I mustn't mention
names, of course; but you can take it from me——"
and people really did think he did know. He had been
in the closest touch with so many great people before
the war that it was only natural that he should be in
touch with them still. As a matter of fact he knew
nothing except what his typist told him. He led an
extremely quiet life during these years, but he didn't
mind that because he understood that it was the right
thing to do. All the best people were absorbed in their
work—even old Lady Agatha Beaminster was running
a home for Serbians, and Rachel Seddon was a V.A.D.
in France, and old "Plumtree" Caudle was a Special
Constable. He did not therefore feel left out of things,
because there was nothing really to be left out of.
Moreover, he was so hard up that it was safer to be
quiet. All the more would he enjoy himself when the
war was over.
But as the years went on and there seemed to be no
sign of the war being over, he began to be querulous.
He missed James terribly, and when in the summer of
1917 he heard that James was killed in Mesopotamia it
was a very serious blow. He seemed to be suddenly
quite alone in the world. In Hortons now they
employed only women, and the girl straight from
Glebeshire who "valeted" him seemed to have but little
time to listen to his special needs, being divided up
between four flats and finding it all she could do, poor
girl, to satisfy them all. "After the war," Mr. Nix,
the manager of Hortons, assured Absalom, "we shall
have men again!"
"After the war!"—those three simple little words
became the very Abracadabra of Absalom's life. "After
the war" everything would be as it had always been—prices
would go down, Society would come up, his gold
mirror would once again be stuck about with invitations,
he would find a successor to James, and a little house.
What would he live on? Oh, that would be all right.
They would keep him at the Ministry. He was so
useful there that he couldn't conceive that they would
ever get on without him—there would be his work, of
course, and probably they would raise his salary. He
was an optimist about the future. Nothing made him
so indignant as unjustified pessimism. When someone
talked pessimistically it was as though he, Absalom Jay,
were being personally threatened. Throughout the terrible
spring of 1918 he remained optimistic. "Britain
couldn't be beaten"—by which he meant that Absalom
Jay must be assured of his future comforts. In spite
of all that had happened he was as incapable in June,
1918, as he had been in June, 1914, of imagining a
different world, a different balance of moral and ethical
values. Then the tide turned. During that summer
and early autumn of 1918 Absalom was as happy as
he had ever been. He simply lived for the moment
when "life would begin again." He began to go out a
little, to pay calls, to visit an old friend or two. He
found changes, of course. His own contemporaries
seemed strangely old; many of them had died, many
of them had shattered nerves, many were frightened
of the future.
If they were frightened it was their own fault, he
declared. They would talk of ridiculous things like the
Russian Revolution—nothing angered him more than
to hear chatter about the Russian Revolution—as though
that absurd affair with its cut-throats and Bolsheviks
and Jews and murderers could have anything to do with
a real country like England.
It was all the fault of our idiotic government; one
regiment of British soldiers and that trouble would
have been over.... No, he'd no patience....
November 11th came, and with it the Armistice; he
actually rode all the way down Whitehall on a lorry
and waved a flag. He was excited, it seemed as though
the whole world were crying, "Hurray! Absalom Jay!
You were right, after all. You shall have your
reward."
He pictured to himself what was coming: 1919 would
be the year; let those dirty ruffians try and imitate
Russian methods. They would see what they would
get. He resumed his old haughtiness of demeanour to
dependents. It was necessary in these days to show
them their place. Not that he was never kind. When
they behaved properly he was very kind indeed. To
Fanny, the portress at Hortons—a nice girl with a
ready smile and an agreeable willingness to do anything,
however tiresome—he was delightful, asking her about
her relations and once telling her that he was grateful
for what she did. He was compelled, however, to speak
haughtily to Rose, the "valet." He was forced often
to ring twice for her, and once when she came running
and out of breath and he showed her that she had put
some of his waistcoats into one drawer and some into
another, thereby making it very difficult for him to find
them, she actually tossed her head and muttered something.
He spoke to her very kindly then, and showed
her how things were done in the best houses, because,
after all, poor child, she was straight up from the country.
However, she did not take his kindliness in at all
the right spirit, but burst out angrily that "times was
different now, and one was as good as another"—a
shocking thing to say, and savouring directly of Bolshevism.
He was getting into the habit of calling almost everything
Bolshevism.
Then the first blow fell. He found a letter on his
table at the Ministry; he opened it carelessly and read
therein that as the war was in process of being "wound
up," changes were taking place that would compel the
Ministry, most reluctantly, to do without Mr. Jay's
services. Would he mind taking a month's notice?...
He would mind very much indeed—Mind? It was
as though a thunderbolt had struck him on the very top
of his neat little head. He stood in front of the
Ministerial fireplace, his little legs extended, the letter
trembling in his hand, his eyes, if the truth must be
spoken, flushed with tears. Dismissed! With a month's
notice! He would speak ... he would protest ... he
would abuse.... In the end, of course, he did nothing.
Bryce-Drummond said he was so very sorry, "but really
everythin' was tumblin' about one's ear's these days,"
and offered him a cigarette. Lord John, to whom he
appealed, looked distressed and said it was "a damn
shame; upon his word, he didn't know what we were
all coming to...."
Absalom Jay was left; he realised that he could do
nothing; he retired into Hortons.
There was in his soul a fund of optimism, or rather,
to speak more accurately, it took him time to realise
the shifting sands upon which his little house was built.
He made now the very most of Hortons. It is true that
time began to lie heavy upon his hands. He rose very
late in the morning, having his cup of tea and boiled
egg at nine, his bath at ten; he read the Morning Post
for an hour; then the barber, Merritt, from next door,
came in to shave him and give him the news of the day.
Merritt was a most amusing dark and dapper little
man. In him was the very spirit of St. James's, and
the Lord only knows how many businesses he carried
on beside his ostensible hair-dressing one. He could
buy anything for you, and sell anything, too! And his
gossip! Well, really, Absalom had thought himself
a good gossip in his day, but he had never been anything
to Merritt! Of course, half-a-crown was a good deal
for a shave, and Absalom was not sure whether in these
days he ought to afford it—"my only luxury" he
called it.
He did not see many of his friends this Christmas
time. They were all out of London he supposed. He
was a little surprised that the Beaumonts hadn't asked
him to spend Christmas at Hautoix. In the old days
that invitation had been as regular as the Waits. However,
they had lost their eldest son in the Cambrai
fighting. They were having no parties this Christmas,
of course.
He had thought that the Seddons might ask him.
He got on so well with Roddy and Rachel. They sent
him a card "from Rollo," their baby. Kind of them
to remember him! So he busied himself about the flat.
He was preparing for the future—for that wonderful
time when the war would be really and truly over, and
the world as it had been in the old days. His life was
centred in Hortons and the streets that surrounded it.
He could be seen every morning walking up Duke
Street into Piccadilly. He knew every shop by heart,
the picture shops that seemed to be little offspring of
the great "Christie's" round the corner, with their coloured
plates from Ackermann's "Microcosm," and
Pierce Egan, and their oils of large, full-bosomed
eighteenth century ladies; and the shops with the china
and the cabinets and the lacquer (everything very
expensive indeed); and Bottome's, the paper shop, with
Mr. Bottome's humourous comments on the day's politics
chalked on to a slate near the door, and the Vie
Parisienne very large in the window; then there was
the shop at the corner of Jermyn Street, with the silk
dressing-gowns of dazzling colours, and the latest fashions
with pink silk vests, pyjamas; and the great
tobacconists and the wine-windows of Fortnum and
Masons—at last the familiar broad splendours of
Piccadilly itself. Up and down the little old streets
that had known all the famous men of their day, that
had lodged Thackeray and Swift and Dryden, and now
lodged Mr. Bottomley and the author of Mutt and Jeff,
the motors rolled and hooted and honked, and the messenger
boys whistled, and the flower-man went up and
down with his barrow, and everything was as expensive
and pleasant and humourous as could be. All this
Absalom Jay adopted. He was in his own mind,
although he did not know it, King of St. James's, and
he felt that they must all be very glad to have him
there, and that rents must have gone up since it was
known that he had taken his residence among them.
He even went in one day and expostulated with Mr.
Bottome for having the Daily Herald in his window.
Mr. Bottome agreed with him that it was not a "nice"
paper, but he also added that sinister sentence that
Absalom was getting now so tired of hearing that
"these were strange times. 'E didn't know what we
were coming to."
"Nonsense, my good man," said Absalom rather
tartly, "England isn't Russia."
"Looks damned like it sometimes," said Mr. Bottome.
Then as the year 1919 extended Absalom began to
feel terribly lonely. This fear of loneliness was rapidly
becoming a concrete and definite terror, lurking behind
the curtains in his flat, ready to spring out upon him
at any moment. Absalom had never in all his life been
alone. There had always been people around him.
Where now were they all? Men now were being demobilised,
houses were opening again, hospitals were
closing, dances were being given, and still his gold
mirror remained innocent of invitations. He fancied,
too (he was becoming very sensitive to impressions),
that the men in the "Warrington" were not so eager to
see him as they had been. He went to the "Warrington"
a great deal now "to be cheered up." He talked to men
to whom five years ago he would not have condescended
to say "Good-morning"—to Isaac Monteluke, for instance,
and Bandy Manners. Where were all his old
friends? They did not come to the club any longer,
it seemed. He could never find a bridge four now with
whom he was really at home. This may have been
partly because he was nervous these days of losing
money—he could not afford it—and he did not seem
to have his old control of his temper. Then his brain
was not quite so active as it had been. He could not
remember the cards....
One day he heard some fellow say: "Well, if I'd
had my way I'd chloroform everyone over sixty. We've
had enough of the old duds messing all the world up."
Chloroform all the old duds! What a terrible thing
to say? Why, five years ago it had been the other way.
Who cared then what a young man said? What could
he know? After all, it was the older men who had had
the experience, who knew life, who could tell the
others....
He found himself laying down the law about things—giving
ultimatums like—"They ought to be strung
up on lamp-posts—pandering to the ignorant lower
classes—that's what it is."
If there had been one thing above all others that
Absalom had hated all his life it had been rudeness—there
was the unforgivable sin. As a young man he
had been deferential to his elders, and so in his turn
he expected young men to be to him now. But they
were not. No, they were not. He had positively to
give up the "Warrington" because of the things that the
young men said.
There was a new trouble now—the trouble of money.
His investments were paying very badly, and the income
tax was absurd. He wrote to the Times about his
income tax, and they did not print his letter—did not
print it when they printed the letters of every sort of
nobody. Everything was so expensive that it took all
his courage to look at his weekly bill. He must eat
less; one ate, he read in the paper, far more than one
needed. So he gave up his breakfast, having only a
cup of coffee and a roll, as he had often done in France
in the old days. He was aware suddenly that his
clothes were beginning to look shabby. Bacon, the valet,
informed him of this. He did not like Bacon; he found
himself, indeed, sighing for the departed Rose. Bacon
was austere and inhuman. He spoke as seldom as possible.
He had no faults, he pressed clothes perfectly,
kept drawers in absolute order, did not drink Absalom's
claret nor smoke Absalom's cigarettes. No faults—but
what an impossible man! Absalom was afraid of him.
He drew his little body together under the bedclothes
when Bacon called him in the morning because of
Bacon's ironical eyes. Bacon gave him his Times as
though he said: "How dare you take in the Times—spend
threepence a day when you are as poor as you
are?"
It was because of Bacon that Absalom gave up
Merritt. He did not dare to have him when Bacon
knew his poverty.
"I'm going to shave myself in the future, Merritt,"
he said; "it's only laziness having you." Merritt was
politely sorry, but he was not very deeply grieved. Why
should he be when he had the King's valet and Sir
Edward Hawksbury, the famous K.C., and Borden
Hunt, the dramatist, to shave every morning?
But Absalom missed him terribly. He was now
indeed alone. No more gossip, no more laughter over
other people's weaknesses, no more hearty agreement
over the wicked selfishness of the lower orders.
Absalom gave up the Times because he could not
bear to see the lower orders encouraged. All this talk
about their not having enough to live on—wicked nonsense!
It was people like Absalom who had not enough
to live on. He wrote again to the Times and said so,
and again they did not publish his letter.
Then he woke from sleep one night, heard the clock
strike three, and was desperately frightened. He had
had a dream. What dream? He could not remember.
He only knew that in the course of it he had become
very, very old; he had been in a room without fire and
without light; he had been in prison—faces had glared
at him, cruel faces, young, sneering, menacing faces....
He was going to die.... He awoke with a
scream.
Next day he read himself a very serious lecture. He
was becoming morbid; he was giving in; he was allowing
himself to be afraid of things. He must pull himself
up. He was quite severe to Bacon, and reprimanded
him for bringing his breakfast at a quarter to
nine instead of half-past eight. He made out then a list
of houses that he would visit. They had forgotten him—he
must admit that. But how natural it was! After
all this time. Everyone had forgotten everybody.
Why, he had forgotten all sorts of people! Could not
remember their names!
For months now he had been saying, "After the
war," and now here "after the war" was. It was May,
and already Society was looking something like itself.
Covent Garden was open again. Soon there would be
Ascot and Henley and Goodwood; and the Peace Celebrations,
perhaps, if only those idiots at Versailles
moved a little more quickly! He felt the old familiar
stir in his blood as he saw the red letters and the green
pillars repainted, saw the early summer sunshine upon
the glittering windows of Piccadilly, saw the green
shadows of Hyde Park shift and tremble against the
pale blue of the evening sky, saw, once again, the private
cars quiver and tremble behind the policeman's hand
in the Circus; saw Delysia's name over the Pavilion,
and the posters of the evening papers, and the fountains
splashing in Trafalgar Square.
He put on his best clothes and went out.
He called upon Mary, Countess of Gosport, the
Duchess of Aisles, Lady Glenrobert, Mrs. Leo Torsch,
and dear Rachel Seddon. At the Countess of Gosport's
he found a clergyman, a companion, and a Chow; at
the Duchess of Aisles' four young Guardsmen, two
girls, and Isaac Monteluke, who had the insolence to
patronise him; at Lady Glenrobert's a vast crowd of
men and women rehearsing for a Peace pageant shortly
to be given at the Albert Hall; at Mrs. Leo Torsch's an
incredible company of artists, writers, and actors,
people unwashed and unbrushed, at sight of whom
Absalom's very soul trembled; at dear Rachel's charming
young people, all of whom looked right through
him as though he were an easy and undisturbing ghost.
He came back from these visits a weary, miserable,
and tired little man. Even Rachel had seemed to have
no time to give him.... An incredible lassitude
spread through all his bones. As he entered the portals
of No. 2 a boy passed him with a Pall Mall poster.
"Railwaymen issue Ultimatum." In his room he read
a Times leader, in which it said that the lower classes
were starving and had nowhere to sleep. And they
called the Times a reactionary paper! The lower
classes starving! What about the upper classes? With
his door closed, in his own deep privacy, surrounded
by his little gods, his mirror, his silver frames, and
his boot-trees, he wept—bitterly, helplessly, like a child.
From that moment he had no courage. Enemies
seemed to be on every side. Everywhere he was
insulted. If he went out boys pushed against him,
taxi-men swore at him, in the shops they were rude
to him! There was never room in the omnibuses, the
taxis were too expensive, and the Tubes! After an
attempt to reach Russell Square by Tube he vowed he
would never enter a Tube door again. He was pushed,
hustled, struck in the stomach, sworn at both by attendants
and passengers, jammed between stout women,
hurled off his feet, spoken to by a young soldier because
he did not give up his seat to a lady who haughtily
refused it when he offered ... Tubes!... never
again—never, oh, never again!
What then to do? Walking tired him desperately.
Everywhere seemed now so far away!
So he remained in his flat; but now Hortons itself
was different. Now that he was confined to it it was
very small, and he was always tumbling over things.
A pipe burst one morning, and his bathroom was
flooded. The bathroom wall-paper began to go the
strangest and most terrible colours—it was purple and
pink and green, and there were splotches of white mildew
that seemed to move before your eyes as you lay in
your bath and watched them. Absalom went to Mr.
Nix, and Mr. Nix said that it should be seen to at once,
but day after day went by and nothing was done. When
Mr. Nix was appealed to he said rather restively that
he was very sorry but he was doing his best—labour
was so difficult to get now—"You could not rely on
the men."
"But they've got to come!" screamed Absalom.
Mr. Nix shrugged his shoulders; from his lips fell
those fatal and now so monotonous words:
"We're living in changed times, Mr. Jay."
Changed times! Absalom should think we were.
Everyone was ruder and ruder and ruder. Bills were
beginning to worry him terribly—such little bills, but
men would come and wait downstairs in the hall for
them.
The loneliness increased and wrapped him closer and
closer. His temper was becoming atrocious as he well
knew. Bacon now paid no attention to his wishes, his
meals were brought up at any time, his rooms were not
cleaned, his silver was tarnished. All he had to do was
to complain to Mr. Nix, who ruled Hortons with a rod
of iron, and allowed no incivilities or slackness. But
he was afraid to do that; he was afraid of the way that
Bacon would treat him afterwards. Always, everywhere
now he saw this increasing attention that was
paid to the lower classes. Railwaymen, miners, hair-dressers,
dockers, bakers, waiters, they struck, got what
they wanted and then struck for more.
He hated the lower classes—hated them, hated them!
The very sight of a working man threw him into a
frenzy. What about the upper classes and the middle
classes! Did you ever see a word in the paper about
them? Never!
He was not well, his heart troubled him very much.
Sometimes he lay on his sofa battling for breath. But
he did not dare to go to a doctor. He could not afford
a doctor.
But God is merciful. He put a period to poor
Absalom's unhappiness. When it was plain that this
world was no longer a place for Absalom's kind He
gathered Absalom to His bosom.
And it was in this way. There arrived suddenly
one day a card: "The Duchess of Aisles ... Dancing."
His heart beat high at the sight of it. He had
to lie down on his sofa to recover himself. He stuck
his card into the mirror and was compelled to say
something to Bacon about it. Bacon did not seem to
be greatly impressed at the sight.
He dressed on the great evening with the utmost
care. The sight of his bathroom affected him; it
seemed to cover him with pink spots and mildew, but
he shook that off from him and boldly ventured forth
to Knightsbridge. He found an immense party gathered
there. Many, many people.... He didn't seem
to recognise any of them. The Duchess herself had
apparently forgotten him. He reminded her. He
crept about; he felt strangely as though at any moment
someone might shoot him in the back. Then he found
Mrs. Charles Clinton, one of his hostesses of the old
days. She was kind but preoccupied. Then he discovered
Tom Wardour—old Tom Wardour, the stupidest
man in London and the greediest. Nevertheless he
was glad to see him.
"By Jove, old man, you do look seedy," Tom said;
"what have you been doing to yourself?"
Tactless of Tom, that! He felt more than ever that
someone was going to shoot him in the back. He crept
away and hid himself in a corner. He dozed a little,
then woke to hear his own name. A woman was speaking
of him. He recognized Mrs. Clinton's voice.
"Whom do you think I saw just now?... Yes, old
Absalom Jay. Like a visit from the dead. Yes, and
so old. You know how smart he used to be. He looked
quite shabby, poor old thing. Oh no, of course, he was
always stupid. But now—oh, dreadful!... I assure
you he gave me the creeps. Yes, of course, he belonged
to that old world before the war. Doesn't it seem a
long time ago? Centuries. What I say is that one can't
believe one was alive then at all...."
Gave her the creeps! Gave Mrs. Clinton the creeps!
He felt as though his premonition had been true, and
someone had shot him in the back. He crept away, out
of the house, right away.
He crept into a Tube. The trains were crowded.
He had to hang on to a strap. At Hyde Park Corner
two workmen got in; they had been drinking together.
Very big men they were. They stood one on each side
of Absalom and lurched about. Absalom was pushed
hither and thither.
"Where the 'ell are you comin' to?" one said.
The other knocked Absalom's hat off as though by an
accident. Then the former elaborately picked it up
and offered it with a low bow, digging Absalom in
the stomach as he did so.
"'Ere y'are, my lord," he said. They roared with
laughter. The whole carriage laughed. At Dover
Street Absalom got out. He hurried through the
streets, and the tears were pouring down his cheeks.
He could not stop them; he seemed to have no control
over them. They were not his tears.... He entered
Hortons, and in the lift hid his face so that Fannie
should not see that he was crying.
He closed his door behind him, did not turn on the
lights, found the sofa, and cowered down there as though
he were hiding from someone.
The tears continued to race down his cheeks. Then
suddenly it seemed as though the walls of the bathroom,
all blotched and purple, all stained with creeping mildew,
closed in the dark about him.
He heard a voice cry—a working-man's voice—he did
not hear the words, but the walls towered above him
and the white mildew expanded into jeering, hideous,
triumphant faces.
His heart leapt and he knew no more.
Bacon and the maid found him huddled thus on the
floor dead next morning.
"Well now," said Bacon, "that's a lucky thing.
Young Somerset next door's been wanting this flat.
Make a nice suite if he knocks a door through—gives
him seven rooms. He'll be properly pleased."
II FANNY CLOSE
Since the second year of the war Fanny Close had
been portress at Hortons. It had demanded very
much resolution on the part of Mr. Nix to search for
a portress. Since time immemorial the halls of Hortons
had known only porters. George, the present fine specimen,
had been magnificently in service there for the last
ten years. However, Mr. Nix was a patriot; he sent
his son aged nineteen to the war (his son was only too
delighted to go), himself joined the London Air
Defences, and then packed off every man and boy in
the place.
The magnificent James was the last to go. He had,
he said, an ancient mother dependent upon him. Mr.
Nix was disappointed in him. He did not live up to his
chest measurement. "You're very nearly a shirker,"
he said to him indignantly. Nevertheless he promised
to keep his place open for him....
He had to go out into the highways and by-ways and
find women. The right ones were not easily found, and
often enough they were disappointing. Mr. Nix was
a tremendous disciplinarian, that was why Hortons
were the best service flats in the whole of the West End.
But he discovered, as many a man had discovered before
him, that the discipline that does for a man will not
do nine times out of ten for a woman. Woman has a
way of wriggling out of the net of discipline with subtleties
unknown to man.
So Mr. Nix discovered.... Only with Fanny Close
Mr. Nix had no trouble at all. She became at the end
of the first week a "jewel," and a jewel to the end of
her time she remained.
I don't wish, in these days of stern and unrelenting
realism, to draw Dickensian pictures of youth and
purity, but the plain truth is that Fanny Close was as
good a girl as ever was made. She was good for two
reasons, one because she was plain, the other because
she had a tiresome sister. The first of these reasons
made her humble, the other made her enjoy everything
from which her sister was absent twice as much as anyone
else would have enjoyed it.
She was twenty-five years of age; the mother had
died of pleurisy when the children were babies, and
the father, who was something very unimportant in a
post office, had struggled for twenty years to keep them
all alive, and then caught a cold and died. The only
brother had married, and Aggie and Fanny had
remained to keep house together. Aggie had always
been the beauty of the family, but it had been a beauty
without "charm," so that many young men had
advanced with beating hearts, gazed with eager eyes,
and then walked away, relieved that for some reason or
another they had been saved from "putting the question."
She had had proposals, of course, but they had
never been good enough. At twenty-six she was a
disappointed virgin.
Fanny had always been so ready to consider herself
the plainer and stupider of the two that it had not been
altogether Aggie's fault that she, Aggie, should take,
so naturally, the first place. Many a relation had told
Fanny that she was too "submissive" and didn't stand
up for herself enough, but Fanny shook her head and
said that she couldn't be other than she was. The true
fact was that deep down in her heart she not only
admired her sister, she also hated her. How astonished
Aggie would have been had she known this—and how
astonished, to be truly platitudinous for a moment, we
should all be if we really knew what our nearest and
dearest relatives thought of us!
Fanny hated Aggie, but had quite made up her mind
that she would never be free of her. How could she
be? She herself was far too plain for anyone to want
to marry her, and Aggie was apparently settling down
inevitably into a bitter old-maidenhood. Then came
the war. Fanny was most unexpectedly liberated.
Aggie did, of course, try to prevent her escape, but on
this occasion Fanny was resolved. She would do what
she could to help—the country needed every single
woman. At first she washed plates in a canteen, then
she ran a lift outside some Insurance office, finally she
fell into Mr. Nix's arms, and there she stayed for three
years.
She knew from the very first that she would like it.
She liked Mr. Nix, she liked the blue uniform provided
for her, most of all she liked the "atmosphere" of
Hortons, the coloured repose of St. James's, the hall of
white and green, the broad staircase, the palms in the
staircase windows, the grandfather's clock near Mr.
Nix's office; she even liked her own little rabbit-hutch
where were the little boxes for the letters, the cupboard
for her own private possessions, the telephone, and a
chair for her to sit upon. In a marvellously short
time she was the mistress of the whole situation. Mr.
Nix could not have believed that he would have missed
the marvellous James so little. "Really," he said to
Mrs. Nix, "a great discovery, a remarkable find."
"Well, I hope she won't disappoint you," said Mrs.
Nix, who was an amiable pessimist. Fanny did not
disappoint; she got better and better. Everyone liked
her, and she liked everyone.
Because she had as her standard Aggie's grudging
and reluctant personality, she naturally found everyone
delightful. She was very happy indeed because they
all wanted her assistance in one way or another. "Men
are helpless," was her happy comment after a year's
experience at Hortons. She stamped letters for one,
delivered telephone messages for another, found addresses
for a third, carried bags for a fourth, acted as
confidential adviser for a fifth. She was not pretty,
of course, but she was much less plain in her uniform
than she had been in her private dress. The blue,
peaked cap suited her, and managed somehow, in combination
with her pince-nez, to give her quite a roguish
complexion.
Nevertheless she was looked upon as a serious person—"quite
like a man," she reflected with satisfaction.
She did not wish to waste her time with flirtations, she
wanted to do her job efficiently. It needed great self-control
not to take too active an interest in the affairs
of the ladies and gentlemen in her charge. She was,
for instance, deeply sorry for poor old Mr. Jay, who
was obviously poor and helpless and had no friends.
He used to ask her whether "So-and-so" had called,
to tell her that he was expecting Lady This, and Lord
That to ring up. Of course, they never did. No one
ever came to see him. Fanny's heart simply ached for
him.
Then there was young Mr. Torby—the Hon. Clive
Torby. Fanny thought him the most wonderful figure
in London. He was in France and was wounded, went
back and was wounded again, this time losing an arm.
He had the D.S.O. and M.C., and was simply the most
handsome young man in London—but Fanny feared
that he was leading a very idle life. He was always
happy, always good-tempered, always laughing, but
Fanny shivered at the thought of the money that he
spent. Lord Dronda, his father, used to come and see
him and "remonstrate with him," so the Hon. Clive
told Fanny after the interview. But what was the
good? All the young ladies came just the same, and
the flowers and the fruit and the wine——
"We can only love once, Fanny," the young man
declared one day. "And I've been so near kicking the
bucket so many times lately that I'm going to make the
most of the sunshine."
How could you blame him? At any rate, Fanny
couldn't.
There were many others into whose histories and
personalities this is neither the time nor place to enter.
Fanny felt as though she were living at the very heart
of the great, bustling, eventful world. When she saw
Edmund Robsart, the famous novelist, whose flat was
No. 20, go up in the lift, when he said "Good-evening"
to her and smiled, he whose picture was quite often in
the daily papers, whose books were on the railway book-stalls,
whose name was even mentioned once in Fanny's
hearing by T. E. Dunville at the Victoria Palace—well,
there was something to be proud of. True, he was over
fifty, and fat and a little pompous—what did that matter?
Fanny had taken messages to him in his rooms
and seen him once in a purple silk dressing-gown.
She did not consider herself overworked. She had
to be on duty at eight-thirty every morning, and she
remained until six-thirty in the evening. She had
every Saturday afternoon and every other Sunday.
She did every kind of thing in between those hours.
The whole warm pulsing life of the twenty chambers
seemed to radiate from her. She fancied herself sitting
there in her little office, taking the messages from
the flats and distributing them to the different valets
and servants in the kitchen, watching everyone who
came in and out, detecting suspicious people who
wanted to see "So-and-so on very urgent business,"
attending to Mr. Nix when he had anything to say or
wanted anything ... and sometimes in the hot summer
weather she would sit and look out upon the white
and shining street, feeling the heat play in little gleaming
waves upon the green staircase behind her, hearing
the newsboys shout their war-news, watching stout Mr.
Newbury, of the picture-shop, as he stood in his doorway
and speculated on the weather. How cool here, and
how hot out there!—and in the winter how warm the
flats and how cold the dusky blue-green street!
She sometimes wondered whether it were not wicked
of her to care for her life at Hortons so much when it
all came to her from the horrible war, which did indeed
seem to her the most dreadful thing that had ever
happened.
She had not known many young men, but there had
been Mr. Simmons and Mr. Frank Blake and his
brother Tom Blake—nice young men, and most amusing
in the evening after supper or on an evening out at
the Music Hall—all gone.... Tom Blake dead,
Frank Blake without a leg, Mr. Simmons gassed....
Oh, she hated this war, she hated it—but she loved
Hortons.
The fly in the ointment was the old familiar fly of
family comment. The war had not had a good effect
upon Aggie. She sat at home and grew more and more
pessimistic. There never was such pessimism. Germany
was to Aggie a triumphing, dominating force that
nothing could stop. "What's the use of our fighting?"
she would say when Fanny would arrive home to supper,
exhausted but cheerful. "What's the use? That's
what I want to know. Here we are at their mercy—can
step over any time they like and just take us."
Nothing made Fanny so angry as this. It was all
she could do to control herself; nevertheless, control
herself she did.
"What about our Army?" she would say. "And the
submarines? What about Kitchener?" and later,
"What about Haig?"
"Haig!" sniffed Aggie. "Haig!" The air-raids
finished Aggie. A bomb was dropped quite close to
their upper-part in Bloomsbury. Aggie was ill for
weeks—she recovered, but rose from her bed a soured,
injured, vindictive woman. It was exactly as though
the whole of the war, and especially the bomb-dropping
part of it, had been arranged simply for the annoyance
of Aggie Close. She always said that she hated the
Germans, but to hear her talk you'd think that she
hated the English a great deal more. Our incompetence,
our cowardice, our selfishness, our wickedness in
high places—such were her eternal topics. Fanny, sitting
in her hutch at Hortons, saw the evening waiting
for her—the horrible evening with their little stuffy,
food-smelling, overcrowded room, with the glazed and
grinning sideboard, the pink-and-white wool mats, the
heavy lace curtains over the window, the hideous oleographs,
the large, staring photographs. Unlike most of
her kind she knew that all this was ugly, and in the
midst of the ugliness was Aggie, Aggie with her square,
short, thick-set figure, her huge flat feet, her heavy,
freckled hands. She would have escaped to a place of
entertainment had there been anybody to take her—just
now there was nobody. She could not walk about
the streets alone.
At first she had tried to interest Aggie in the exciting
events of her day, in poor Mr. Jay, and magnificent
Mr. Robsart, and funny, fussing Mrs. Demaris, and the
Hon. Clive. But Aggie had a marvellous way of turning
everything, however cheerful and bright it might
seem, into sin and sorrow and decay. If Fanny was
happy, it was: "How can you laugh when the world's
in the state it's in?" If Fanny sighed, it was: "I
should have thought it was one's duty to be as cheerful
as possible just now. But some people think only of
themselves."
If Fanny argued against some too outrageous piece
of pessimism, it was: "Really, Fanny, it's such as
you is losing us the war."
"Oh! I hate Aggie!—I hate Aggie!" Fanny would
sometimes cry to herself in the heart of her hutch, but
she could not summon to herself sufficient resolution to
go off and live by herself; she had a terror of solitary
evenings, all the terror of one who did not care for
books, who was soaked in superstition and loved lights
and noise.
During the first two years of the war she did not
consider the end of the war. She never doubted for a
single moment but that the Allies would win, and for
the rest she had too much work to do to waste time in
idle speculations. But in the third year that little
phrase "after the war" began to drive itself in upon
her. Everyone said it. She perceived that people were
bearing their trials and misfortunes and losses because
"after the war" everything would be all right again—there
would be plenty of food and money and rest
"after the war."
Her heart began to ache for all the troubles that she
saw around her. Mr. Nix lost his boy in France and
was a changed man. For a month or two it seemed as
though he would lose all interest in Hortons. He was
listless and indifferent and suffered slackness to go
unpunished. Then he pulled himself together. Hortons
was its old self again—and how Fanny admired him
for that!
Then came the Armistice, and the world changed for
Fanny. It changed because, in a sudden devastating
horrible flash of revelation, she realised that the women
would all have to go! The men would come back....
And she?
That night when she perceived this gave her one of
her worst hours. She had allowed herself—and she saw
now how foolish she had been to do so—to look upon
the work at Hortons as the permanent occupation of
her life. How could she have done otherwise? It
suited her so exactly; she loved it, and everybody
encouraged her to believe that she did it well. Had
not Mr. Nix himself told her that he could not have
believed that he could miss the magnificent James so
little, and that no man could have filled the blank as
she had done? Moreover, in the third year of the war
James had been killed, and it would take a new man
a long time to learn all the ins-and-outs of the business
as she had learnt them. So she had encouraged herself
to dream, and the dream and the business had become
one—she could not tear them apart. Well, now she
must tear them apart. Mr. Nix was dismissing all the
women.
With teeth set she faced her future. No use to think
of getting another job—everywhere the men were
returning. For such work as she could do there would
be a hundred men waiting for every vacancy. No, she
would have to live always with Aggie. They would
have enough to live on—just enough. Their brother
allowed them something, and an aunt had left them a
little legacy. Just enough with a perpetual sparing
and scraping—no more of the little luxuries that
Fanny's pay from Hortons had allowed them. Certainly
not enough for either of them to live alone. Tied for
ever together, that's what they would be—chained! and
Aggie growing ever more and more bitter.
Nevertheless she faced it. She went back to Hortons
with a smile and a laugh. Her gentlemen and ladies
did not know that she was looking upon them with eyes
of farewell. Miss Lois Drake, for instance, that daring
and adventurous type of the modern girl about whose
future Fanny was always speculating with trembling
excitement, she did not notice anything at all. But
then she thought of very little save herself. "However
she can do the things she does!" was Fanny's awed
comment—and now, alas, she would never see the climax
to her daring—never, never, never!
She said nothing to Aggie of her troubles, and Aggie
said nothing to her. The days passed. Then just
before Christmas came the marvellous news.
By this time all the girl valets had been dismissed
and men had taken their places. They would congregate
in the hall of a morning, coming on approval, and
Fanny would speculate about them. Mr. Nix even
asked her advice. "I like that one," she would say;
"I wouldn't trust that man a yard," she would decide.
Then one day Albert Edward came. There was no
doubt about him at all. He was almost as good as the
late lamented James. Handsome, although short—but
Fanny liked the "stocky" kind, and with such a laugh!
Fanny delighted in his jet-black hair cut tight about
his head, his smiling black eyes, his round, rosy cheeks.
She admired him quite in the abstract. He was far too
grand for any personal feeling.... At once, when he
had been in the place two days, she allotted him to Mrs.
Mellish's maid, Annette, such a handsome girl, so bold
and clever! They were made for one another.
Albert Edward was valet on the second floor; he
shared that floor with Bacon. Fanny did not like
Bacon, the one mistake she thought that Mr. Nix had
made.
Well, just before Christmas the wonderful hour
arrived.
"Fanny," said Mr. Nix one evening. "Do you
realise that you're the only woman left in a man's job?"
"Yes," said Fanny, her heart beating horribly.
"Well," said Mr. Nix, "you're going to continue to
be the only woman unless you've any objection."
"Oh, Mr. Nix," said Fanny, "I'm sure I've always
tried——"
"Yes, I know," said Mr. Nix, "that's why I want
you to stay—for ever if you like—or at any rate so long
as I'm here."
"Oh, Mr. Nix," said Fanny again. Tears were in
her eyes; the familiar green staircase, the palm and the
grandfather's clock swam before her eyes.
It was Aggie, of course, who killed her happiness
almost as soon as it was born.
"And what about the demobilised men?" Aggie had
asked with her cold, acid smile. "I should have thought
that if there were any jobs going a patriotic girl like
you would have been the first to stand aside."
Fanny's heart seemed to leap into the air and then
fall—stone dead at her feet. Men! Demobilised men!
She had not thought of that. But for the moment the
only thing she could see was Aggie's spite—her old,
eternal spite.... She felt the tears rising. In a
moment they would break out.
"You would like to spoil it if you could!" she cried.
"Yes, you would. It's what you've always done—spoilt
everything. Yes, you have—since we were children.
Any little bit of happiness...."
"Happiness!" interrupted Aggie; "that's what you
call it? Selfishness! cruel selfishness, that's what some
would name it."
"You don't care," cried Fanny, her words now
choked with sobs. "You don't care as long as I'm hurt
and wounded—that's all you mind!... always ...
tried to hurt me ... always!" The tears had conquered
her. She rushed from the room.
She escaped—but she was haunted. It was not because
Aggie had said it that she minded—no, she did
not care for Aggie—it was because there was truth in
what Aggie had said. Fanny was precisely the girl to
feel such a charge, as Aggie well knew. All her life
her conscience had been her trouble, acute, vivid, lifting
its voice when there was no need, never satisfied with
the prizes and splendours thrown it. In ordinary
times Fanny surrendered at once to its hideous demands—this
time she fought.
Aggie herself helped in the fight. Having succeeded
in making Fanny miserable, it was by no means her
intention that the silly child should really surrender
the job. That did not at all suit her own idle selfishness.
So she mocked at her for staying where she was,
but made it plain that having given her word, she must
stick to it. "You've made your bed and must lie on it,"
was her phrase.
Fanny said nothing. The light had gone from her
eyes, the colour from her cheeks. She was fighting the
sternest battle of her life. Everywhere she saw, or
fancied she saw, demobilised men. Every man in the
street with a little shining disc fastened to his coat was
in her eyes a demobilised man starving and hungry
because she was so wicked. And yet why should she
give it up? She had proved her worth—shown that
she was better than a man in that particular business.
Would Mr. Nix have kept her had she not been better?
Kind though he was, he was not a philanthropist....
And to give it up, to be tied for life to Aggie, to be idle,
to be unwanted, to see no more of Hortons, to see no
more—of Albert Edward. Yes, the secret was out.
She loved Albert Edward. Not with any thought of
herself—dear me, no.... She knew that she was far
too plain, too dull. She need only compare herself for
an instant with Mrs. Mellish's Annette, and she could
see where she stood. No, romance was not for her.
But she liked his company. He was so kind to her.
He would stand, again and again, in her little hutch
and chatter, laughing and making silly jokes.
She amused him, and he admired her capacity for
business. "You are a one!" was his way of putting it.
"You'd be something like running a restaurant—business
side, you know."
How proud she was when he said these things! After
all, everybody had something. Annette, for all her bows
and ribbons, was probably poor at business.
However, she included Albert Edward in the general
life of Hortons, and refused to look any closer. So
day and night the struggle continued. She could not
sleep, she could not eat, everyone told her that she
was looking ill and needed a holiday. She was most
truly a haunted woman, and her ghosts were on every
side of her, pressing in upon her, reproaching her with
starving, dark-rimmed eyes. She struggled, she fought,
she clung with bleeding hands to the stones and rafters
and walls of Hortons.
Conscience had her way—Fanny was beaten. The
decision was taken one night after a horrible dream—a
dream in which she had been pursued by a menacing,
sinister procession of men, some without arms and legs,
who floated about her, beating her in the face with their
soft boneless hands....
She awoke screaming. Next morning she went to
Mr. Nix.
"I'm afraid I must give you my notice, Mr. Nix,"
she said.
Of course he laughed at her when she offered her
reason. But she was firm.
"You've been terribly good to me, Mr. Nix," she
said, "but I must go."
She was firm. It was all that she could do not to
cry. He submitted, saying that he would leave her a
day or so to reconsider it.
She went into her hut and stared in front of her, in
stony wretchedness. That was the worst day of her
life. She felt like a dead woman. Worst of all was
the temptation to run back to Mr. Nix and tell him
that it was not true, that she had reconsidered it....
All day she saw Aggie in her green stuff dress, her
eyes close to the paper, the room so close, so close....
In the afternoon, about five, she felt that she could
bear it no longer.
She would get the hall-boy to take her place and
would go home.
Albert Edward came in for a chat. She told him
what she had done.
"Well," he said, "that's fine."
She stared at him.
"I want you to marry me," he said; "I've been wanting
it a long time. I like you. You're just the companion
for me, sense of humour and all that. And a
business head. I'm past the sentimental stuff. What
I want is a pal. What do you say to the little restaurant?"
The grandfather's clock rose up and struck Fanny
in the face. She could have endured that had not the
green and white staircase done the same. So strange
was the world that she was compelled to put her hand
on Albert Edward's arm.
Behind the swimming, dazzling splendour of her
happiness was the knowledge that she had secured a
job from which no man in the world would have the
right to oust her.
III THE HON. CLIVE TORBY
He was now the only son of old Lord Dronda; his
elder brother had been killed at Mons early in
the war. He had been aware of his good looks ever
since he was a week old. Tom, the elder brother, had
been fat and plain; everyone had told him so. He did
not mind now, being dead. Clive was the happiest
fellow possible, even though he had lost an arm late in
'17. He had not minded that. It was his left arm, and
he could already do almost everything quite well without
it; women liked him all the better for having lost
it. He had always been perfectly satisfied with himself,
his looks, his home, his relations—everything. His
critics said that he was completely selfish, and had horrible
manners or no manners at all, but it was difficult
to underline his happy unconscious young innocence so
heavily. Certainly if, in the days before the war, you
stayed with his people, you found his indifference to
your personal needs rather galling—but "Tom looked
after all that," although Tom often did not because he
was absent-minded by nature and fond of fishing. The
fact is that poor Lady Dronda was to blame. She had
educated her children very badly, being so fond of
them and so proud of them that she gave in to them on
every opportunity. She was known amongst her friends
as "Poor Lady Dronda" because, being a sentimentalist
and rather stupid, life was perpetually disappointing
her. People never came up to her expectations, so she
put all her future into the hands of her sons, who, it
seemed, might in the end also prove disappointing.
The favourite word on her lips was, "Now tell me the
truth. The one thing I want to hear from my friends
is the truth." However, the truth was exactly what
she never did get, because it upset her so seriously and
made her so angry with the person who gave it her.
Tom being dead, she transformed him into an angel, and
told sympathetic acquaintances so often that she never
spoke of him that his name was rarely off her lips.
Nevertheless she was able to devote a great deal of
her time to Clive, who was now "All Her Life."
The results of this were two: first, that Clive,
although retaining all his original simple charm, was
more sure than ever before that he was perfect; secondly,
that he found his mother tiresome and, having
been brought up to think of nobody but himself, was
naturally as little at home as possible.
He took up his abode at Hortons, finding a little flat,
No. 11, on the second floor, that suited him exactly.
Into it he put his "few sticks of things," and the result
was a charming confusion of soda-water syphons and
silver photograph frames.
He very happily throughout the whole of 1918
resided there, receiving innumerable young women to
meals of different kinds, throwing the rooms open to
all his male acquaintances, and generally turning night
into day—with the caution that he must not annoy
Mr. Nix, the manager, for whom he had the very greatest
respect. The odd thing was that with all his conceit
and bad manners, he was something of a hero. He had
received both the M.C. and the D.S.O., and was as good
an officer as the Guards could boast. This sounds conventional
and in the good old Ouida tradition, but his
heroism lay rather in the fact that he had positively
loathed the war. He hated the dirt, the blood, the confusion,
the losing of friends, what he called "the general
Hell." No one was more amusing and amiable
during his stay out there, and, to be Ouidaesque again
for a moment, he was adored by his men.
Nevertheless it was perhaps the happiest moment of
his life when he knew he was to lose his arm. "No
more going back to jolly old France for me, old bean,"
he wrote to a friend. "Now I'm going to enjoy
myself."
That was his rooted determination. He had not
gone through all that and been maimed for life for
nothing. He was going to enjoy himself. Yes, after
the war he would show them....
He showed them mainly at present by dancing all
hours of the day and night. He had danced before the
war like any other human being, and had faithfully
attended at Murray's and the Four Hundred and the
other places. But he did not know that he had very
greatly enjoyed it; he had gone in the main because
Miss Poppy Darling, who had just then caught his
attention, commanded him to do so. Now it was quite
another matter—he went simply for the dance itself.
He was not by nature a very introspective young man,
and he did not think of himself as strange or odd or
indeed as anything definite at all; but it was perhaps
a little strange that he, who had been so carefully
brought up by his fond mother, should surrender to a
passion for tom-toms and tin kettles more completely
than he had ever surrendered to any woman. He did
not care with whom it was that he danced; a man would
have done as well. The point was that, when those
harsh and jarring noises began to beat and battle
through the air, his body should move and gyrate in
sympathy just as at that very moment perhaps, somewhere
in Central Africa, a grim and glistening savage
was turning monotonously beneath the glories of a full
moon. He danced all night and most of the day, with
the result that he had very little time for anything else.
Lady Dronda complained that he never wrote to her.
"Dear Mother," he replied on a postcard, "jolly busy.
Ever so much to do. See you soon."
Young men and young women came to luncheon and
dinner. He was happy and merry with them all. Even
Fanny, the portress downstairs, adored him. His smile
was irresistible.
The strangest fact of all, perhaps, was that the war
had really taught him nothing. He had for three years
been face to face with Reality, stared into her eyes,
studied her features, seeing her for quite the first time.
And his vision of her had made no difference to him
at all. He came back into this false world to find it
just exactly as he had left it. Reality slipped away
from him, and it was as though she had never been.
He was as sure as he had been four years before that
the world was made only for him and his—and not so
much for his as for him. Had you asked he would not
have told you, because he was an Englishman and
didn't think it decent to boast—but you would have
seen it in his eyes that he really did believe that he was
vastly superior to more than three-quarters of the rest
of humanity—and this although he had gone to Eton
and had received therefore no education, although he
knew no foreign language, knew nothing about the
literature of his own or any other country, was trained
for no business and no profession, and could only spell
with a good deal of hit-and-miss result.
Moreover, when you faced him and thought of these
things, you yourself were not sure whether, after all,
he were not right. He was so handsome, so self-confident,
so fearless, so touching with his youth and his
armless sleeve, that you could not but wonder whether
the world, after all, was not made for such as he. The
old world perhaps—but the new one?...
Meanwhile Clive danced.
He flung himself into such an atmosphere of dancing
that he seemed to dance all his relations and acquaintances
into it with him. He could not believe that
everyone was not spending the time in dancing. Albert
Edward, whose official name was Banks, assured him
that he had no time for dancing.
"No time!" said Clive, greatly concerned. "Poor
devil! I don't know how you get along."
Albert Edward, who approved of the Hon. Clive
because of his pluck, his birth, his good looks, and his
generosity, only smiled.
"Got to earn my living, sir," he said.
"Really, must you?" Clive was concerned. "Well,
it's a damned shame after all you've done over there."
"Someone's got to work still, I suppose, sir," said
Albert Edward; "and it's my belief that it's them that
works hardest now will reap the 'arvest soonest—that's
my belief."
"Really!" said Clive in politely interested tone.
"Well, Banks, if you want to know my idea, it is that it's
about time that some of us enjoyed ourselves—after all
we've been through. Let the old un's who've stayed
at home do the work."
"Yes, sir," said Albert Edward.
It did indeed seem a shame to Clive that anyone
should have to work at all—that nice girl Fanny, for
instance, who was portress downstairs, or that poor old
decrepit-looking thing who was night-porter and opened
the door for Clive at four in the morning.
He told Fanny what he thought. Fanny laughed.
"I love my work, sir," she said; "I wouldn't be without
it for anything."
"Wouldn't you really, now?" said Clive, staring at
her.
Dimly he perceived that these months after the
Armistice and during the early months of 1919 were a
queer time—no one seemed to know what was going to
happen. The state of the world was very uncomfortable
did one look into it too closely; even into the chaste
and decorous quarter of St. James's rumours of impending
revolution penetrated. People were unhappy—had
not enough to eat, had no roof over their heads,
always one thing or another. The papers were beastly,
so Clive gave up looking at them, save only the Sporting
Times, and devoted his hours that were saved from dancing
to a little gentle betting, to wondering whether Joe
Beckett would beat Goddard, and when he had beaten
him to wondering whether he would beat Georges Carpentier,
and to playing a rubber or two of auction bridge
at White's, and to entertaining the ladies and gentlemen
already mentioned.
He was not, during this period, worrying at all about
money. He very seldom saw his old father, who never
came up to town and never wrote letters. Old Lord
Dronda, who was now nearly seventy, stayed at the
place in Hertfordshire—he loved cows and pigs and
horses, and Clive imagined him perfectly happy in the
midst of these animals.
He had an ample allowance, but was compelled to
reinforce it by writing cheques on his mother's account.
She had, when he lost his arm, given him an open
cheque-book on her bank. There was nothing too good
for such a hero. He did not naturally think about
money, he did not like to be bothered about it, but he
was vaguely rather proud of himself for keeping out of
the money-lenders' hands and not gambling more deeply
at bridge. Luckily, dancing left one little time for that—"Keeps
me out of mischief, jazzing does," he told
his friends. He had, in his room, a photograph of his
father—an old photograph, but like the old man still.
Lord Dronda was squarely built and had side-whiskers
and pepper-and-salt trousers. He looked like a prosperous
farmer. His thighs were thick, his nose square,
and he wore a billycock a little on one side of his head.
Clive had not seen his father for so long a time that it
gave him quite a shock to come in one afternoon and
find the old man sitting under his photograph, a thick
stick in his hand and large gaiters above his enormous
boots. He was looking about him with a lost and bewildered
air and sitting on the very edge of the sofa.
His grey bowler was on the back of his head.
"Hullo, Guv'nor!" Clive cried. Clive was a little
bewildered at the sight of the old man. His plan had
been a nap before dressing for dinner. He had been
dancing until six that morning, and was naturally tired,
but he was a kindly man, and therefore nice to his
father.
"I'm delighted to see you!" he said. "But whatever
are you doing up here?"
The old man was not apparently greatly delighted
to see Clive. He was lost and bewildered, and seemed
to have trouble in finding his words. He stammered
and looked helplessly about him.
His son asked him whether he'd have any tea. No,
he wouldn't have any tea—no, nothing at all.
"The fact is," he brought out at last, "that Dronda's
to be sold, and I thought you ought to know."
Dronda to be sold! The words switched back before
Clive's eyes that figure of Reality that recently he had
forgotten. Dronda to be sold! He saw his own youth
coloured with the green of the lawns, the silver of the
lake, the deep red brick of the old house. Dronda to
be sold!
"But that's impossible, father!" he cried.
He found, however, that a great deal more than that
was possible. He had never possessed, as he had been
used sometimes proudly to boast, a very good head for
figures, and the old man had not a great talent for making
things clear, but the final point was that the Income
Tax and the general increased expenses of living had
made Dronda impossible.
"Also, my boy," Lord Dronda added, "all the money
you've been spending lately—your mother only confessed
to me last week. You'll have to get some work
and settle down at it. I'm sorry, but the old days are
gone."
I'm quite aware that this is not a very original story.
On how many occasions in how many novels has the
young heir to the entails been suddenly faced with poverty
and been compelled to sit down and work? Nine
times out of ten most nobly has he done it, and ten times
out of ten he has won the girl of his heart by so doing.
The only novelty here is the moment of the catastrophe.
Here was the very period towards which,
through years and years of discomfort and horror in
France, young Clive had been looking. "After the
war he would have the time of his life"; "after the war"
had arrived and Dronda was to be sold! His first impulse
was to abuse fate generally and his father in
particular. One glance at the old man checked that.
How funny he looked, sitting there on the edge of the
sofa, his thick stick between his knees, his hat tilted
back, and that air of bewildered perplexity on his
round face as of a baby confronted with his first
thunder-storm. His thick-set, rather stout body, his
side-whiskers, his rough red hands—all seemed to remove
him completely from the smart, slim, dark young
man who sat opposite him. Nevertheless Clive felt the
bond. He was suddenly in unison with his father as he
had never been, in all his life, with his mother. His
father and he had never had what one would call a
"heart-to-heart" conversation in their lives—they did
not have one now. They would have been bitterly distressed
at such an idea. All Clive said was:
"What a bore! I didn't know things were like that.
You ought to have told me."
To which Dronda replied, his eyes wistfully on his
son's empty sleeve:
"I didn't think it would get so bad. You'll have
to find some work. No need for us to bother your
mother about it."
The old man got up to go. His eyes moved uncomfortably
from one photograph to another. He pulled
at his high collar as though he felt the room close.
"Sure you won't have anything?" said Clive.
"No, thanks," said his father.
"Well, don't you worry. I'll get some work all right.
I'll have to pull my horns in a bit, though."
And that was positively all that was said. Dronda
went away, that puzzled, bewildered look still hovering
between his mouth and his eyes, his grey bowler still
a little to one side.
After he was gone Clive considered the matter.
Once the first shock was over things were really not so
bad. The loss of Dronda was horrible, of course, and
Clive thought of that as little as might be, but even
there the war had made a difference, having shaken
everything, in its tempestuous course, to the ground,
so that one looked on nothing now as permanent. As
to work, Clive would not mind that at all. There was
quite a number of things that he would like to do.
There were all these new Ministries, for instance; he
thought of various friends that he had. He wrote
down the names of one or two. Or there was the City.
He had often fancied that he would like to go into the
City. You made money there, he understood, in simply
no time at all. And you needed no education....
He thought of one or two City men whom he
knew and wrote down their names.
One or two other things occurred to him. Before he
went out to dine he had written a dozen notes. He liked
to think that he could be prompt and business-like when
there was need.
During the next day or two he had quite a merry time
with his friends about the affair. He laughingly depicted
himself as a serious man of business, one of
those men whom you see in the cinemas, men who sit
at enormous desks and have big fists and Rolls-Royces.
He spent one especially jolly evening, first at Claridge's,
then "As you Were" at the Pavilion (Sir Billion de
Boost was what he would shortly be, he told his laughing
companion), then dancing. Oh, a delightful evening!
"My last kick!" he called it; and looking back
afterwards, he found that he had spoken more truly than
he knew.
His friends answered his notes and asked him to go
and see them. He went. There then began a very
strange period of discovery. First he went to the
Labour Ministry and saw his old friend Reggie Burr.
Reggie looked most official in his room with his telephone
and things. Clive told him so. Reggie smiled,
but said that he was pressed for time and would Clive
just mind telling him what it was he wanted. Clive
found it harder to tell him than he had expected. He
was modest and uneloquent about his time in France,
and after that there really was not very much to say.
What had he done? What could he do?... Well,
not very much. He laughed. "I'm sure I'd fit into
something," he said.
"I'll let you know if there is anything," said Reggie
Burr.
And so it went on. It was too strange how definite
these men wanted him to be! As the days passed Clive
had the impression that the world was getting larger
and larger and emptier and emptier. It seemed as
though he could not touch boundaries nor horizons....
It was a new world, and he had no place in it....
The dancing suddenly receded, or rather was pushed
and huddled back, as the nurse in old days took one's
toys and crammed them into a corner. Clive found
it no longer amusing. He was puzzled, and dancing
did not help him to any discovery. He found that he
had nothing to say to his friends on these occasions. He
was aware that they were saying behind his back:
"What's come to Clive Toby?... Dull as ditchwater."
He went about with a bemused, blinded expression.
He was seeing himself for the first time. Hortons and
everything in it had quite a new life for him: Mr.
Nix, Fanny, Albert Edward—all these people were
earning their living and earning it much more efficiently
than he seemed to be able to do. All the time
behind them seemed to stand that wistful figure of his
father. "I'd like to do something for the old man,"
he thought.
Down in the City his experiences were very strange.
The first three men whom he saw were very polite and
jolly, and said "they'd let him know if anything turned
up." They asked him what business experience he had
had, and then how much money he was prepared to
put into a "concern"; and when he had answered them
with a jolly laugh and said that he had had no experience,
but had no doubt that he "would shake down all
right," and that he had no money, but "really would
take his coat off and work," they smiled, and said that
"things were bad in the City just now, but they would
let him know."
They all liked him, he felt, and he liked them, and
that was as far as it went. But his experience with his
fourth friend was different. Sir James Maradick,
Bart., could scarcely be called a friend of his. He had
met him once at someone's house; Reggie Burr had
given him a note to him. He was a big broad man
somewhere near sixty, and he was as nice to Clive as
possible, but he didn't mince matters.
He had been given his Baronetcy for some fine organising
work that he had done in the war. Clive, who
did not think much about men as a rule, liked him better
than any man he'd ever met. "This fellow would
do for me," he thought.
The question, however, was whether Clive would do
for Maradick.
"What have you done?" Maradick asked.
"H'm. Eton and Oxford.... And what kind of
job are you looking for?"
Clive modestly explained—somewhere about six hundred
a year. He wanted to help the governor through
a stiff time.
Maradick smiled. That was very nice. Would
Clive mind Maradick speaking quite plainly? Not at
all. That was what Clive wanted.
Maradick then said that it was like a fairy-tale. He
had had, during the last fortnight, four fellows who
wanted jobs at anything from five hundred to a thousand
a year. All of them very modest. Hadn't had
any experience, but thought they could drop into it.
All of them done well in the war. All of them wanted
to keep their parents ... very creditable.
But there was another side to the question. Did
Clive know that there were hundreds of men ready to
come in at three hundred a year and less, men who
had been in the City since nine years old, men who had
the whole thing at their fingers' ends ... hundreds of
them ...?
"The world was made for you boys before the war.
You won't think me rude, will you? You went to
Eton and Oxford and learnt nothing at all, and then
waited for things to tumble into your hands. That's
why commercial Germany beat us all round the world.
Well, it won't be so any longer. The new world isn't
made for you boys. You've got to win your way into
it."
"You're quite right," Clive blushed. "Thank you
very much."
Maradick looked at him, and his heart warmed to
him.
"Take my tip and do a working-man's job. What
about house-painting, for instance, or driving a taxi?
They're getting big money. Just for a bit—to try your
hand."
"Not a bad idea," said Clive. They shook hands in
a most friendly fashion. Maradick spoke to his partner
(at lunch) about him. "Nice boy," he said.
"We'll have him in here later."
Clive went back to Hortons and met there the temptation
of his life in the shape of his mother.
She was looking lovely in grey silk, Parma violets,
and a little black hat. She was in one of her most sentimental
moods. She cried a good deal and asked Clive
what he intended to do. When she asked him that,
what she really wanted was that he should say that he
loved her. This he did in a hurried fashion, because
he wanted to tell her about Maradick. She had, however,
her own things that she wanted to say, and these
were, in the main, that he was "her all," that it was
too awful about Dronda, that John (Lord Dronda) had
simply been losing thousands over his stupid old agriculture,
and, finally, that she had money of her own
on which dear Clive should live to the end of his days.
All this nonsense about his working, as though he hadn't
done enough already with his poor arm and everything.
They should go away together and have a lovely time.
Clive was tempted. For ten minutes there raged a
fierce battle. He knew that what she said could be true
enough. That they could go away together and spend
money together, and that she would give him everything
that she had, and only want him in return to say over
and over again that he loved her. They would wander
about, and probably he would find some rich girl who
would marry him, and then he would live on her....
While he thought this out, words poured from his
mother's lips in tattered confusion. No words used by
his mother ever meant what she intended them to mean.
Nevertheless, the last question held the substance of
them all. "And you do really love me, Clive boy,
don't you?"
The "Clive boy" really settled it, although I hope and
believe that it would have been settled without that.
But he could not wander about Europe as "Clive
boy." ...
So he said: "Thanks, mother. You're a brick,
wantin' me to have everything and all that. But I
really won't. I'm going to settle down and work."
"Whatever at, you poor foolish darling?" asked his
mother.
"At anything I can get," he replied.
She left him at last, having cried just enough to
show her real emotion without damaging her unreal
complexion. Her Parma violets were also intact.
He was an unkind, ungrateful son, and her heart was
broken, but at the same time he was "her all," and
would he lunch with her to-morrow at Claridge's?
This he said that he would do. "My last good meal,"
he murmured to himself rather histrionically.
His mother departed.
He had a bad quarter of an hour after she had gone.
The sacred precincts of Hortons contained at least one
honest soul that afternoon. He saw himself exactly as
he was—spoilt, useless, idle, and conceited. He swore
to himself that he would find work of some kind before
the day was done.
He went out. It was a lovely afternoon early in May.
Mr. Bottome, the newsagent, had fine copies of Colour
showing in his window, the top of Duke Street gazed
straight into the huge naked-looking statue of a horse
in the courtyard of the Academy. Everything seemed
to be having a spring cleaning.
He turned back and down into Jermyn Street. Next
to the Hamman Baths they were painting a house light
green. A nice young fellow in overalls stepped off a
ladder as Clive passed.
He smiled at Clive. Clive smiled back.
"Is that an easy job?" Clive asked him.
"Oh yes, sir," the young fellow answered.
"Could you manage it with one arm?" Clive asked.
"Why, yes," the man said.
"Could I pick it up quickly?"
"Lord, yes!"
"Will you teach me?"
A week later Mr. Nix, in a hurry as usual, was pattering
up Duke Street. Bottome's paper shop was having
a new coat of paint. A young workman in yellow
overalls perched on a ladder managed his brush adroitly
with one arm.
"Poor fellow!" said Mr. Nix, a compassionate man
always, but doubly so now because he had lost his son
in the war. "Left the other in France, I suppose."
The workman looked down, and revealed to the astonished
countenance of Mr. Nix the laughing eyes of his
late tenant, the Hon. Clive Torby.
IV MISS MORGANHURST
It may be that in future years when critics and commentators
look back upon the European War, one
of the aspects of it that will seem to them strangest
will be the attitude of complete indifference that certain
people assumed during the course of it. Indifference!
That is an inefficient word. It is not too strong to say
that hundreds of men and women in London during
those horrible years were completely unconscious, save
on the rare occasions when rationing or air-raids forced
them to attend, that there was any war at all. There
were men in clubs, women in drawing-rooms ... old
maids and old bachelors ... old maids like Miss Morganhurst.
How old Miss Morganhurst really was, for how long
she had been raising her lorgnette to gaze scornfully
at Society, for how many years now she had been sitting
down to bridge on fine sunny afternoons with women
like Anne Carteledge and Mrs. Mellish and Mrs. Porter,
for how many more years she had lived in No. 30 flat
at Hortons, she alone had the secret—even Agatha, her
sour and confidential maid, could not tell.
No one knew whence she came; years ago some young
wag had christened her the "Morgue," led to that
diminutive by the strange pallor of her cheeks, the queer
bone-cracking little body she had and her fashion of
dressing herself up in jewellery and bright colours
that gave her a certain sort of ghastliness. She had
been for years an intimate of all sorts of sets in London:
no one could call her a snob—she went just everywhere,
and knew just everyone; she was after two things in
life—scandal and bridge—and whether it were the old
Duchess of Wrexe's drawing-room (without the Duchess
of course) or the cheapest sort of provincial tea-party,
she was equally at home and satisfied. She was
like a ferret with her beady eyes—a dressed-up ferret.
Yes, and like the "Morgue" too, a sniff of corruption
about her somewhere.
People had said for many years that she was the
best bridge-player in London, and that she lived by
her winnings. That was, I daresay, true enough. Her
pale face looked as though it fed on artificial light,
and her over-decorated back was always bent a little,
as though she were for ever stooping over a table.
I've seen her play bridge, and it's not a sight one's
likely to forget—bent almost double, her hooky fingers
of a dull yellow loaded with rings pointing towards
some card and her eyes literally flashing fire. Lord!
how these women played! Life and death to them truly ... no
gentle card-game for them. She was a woman
who hated sentiment; her voice was hard and dry, with
a rasp in it like the movement of an ill-fitting gate. She
boasted that she cared for no human being alive, she did
not believe in human affection. Her maid, Agatha,
she said, would cut her throat for twopence; but, expecting
to be left something in the will, stayed on savagely
hoping.
It is hard, however, for even the dryest of human souls
to be attached to nothing. Miss Morganhurst had her
attachment—to a canine, fragment of skin and bone
known as Tiny-Tee. Tiny-Tee was so small that it
could not have been said to exist had not its perpetual
misery given it a kind of spasmodic loveliness. It is
the nature of these dogs to shiver and shake and tremble,
but nothing ever lived up to its nature more thoroughly
than Tiny-Tee. Miss Morganhurst (in her own fierce
rasping way) adored this creature. It never left her,
and sat on her lap during bridge shuddering and shivering
amongst a multitude of little gold chains and keys
and purses that jangled and rattled with every shiver.
Then came the war, and it shook the world to pieces.
It did not shake Miss Morganhurst.
For one bad moment she fancied that bridge would
be difficult and that it might not be easy to provide
Tiny-Tee with her proper biscuits. She consulted with
Mrs. Mellish and Mrs. Porter, and after looking at the
thing from every side they were of opinion that it
would be possible still to find a "four." She further
summoned up Mr. Nix from the "vasty deeps" of the
chambers and endeavoured to probe his mind. This
she did easily, and Mr. Nix became quite confidential.
He thoroughly approved of Miss Morganhurst, partly
because she knew such very grand people, which was
good for his chambers, and partly because Miss Morganhurst
had no kind of morals and you could say anything
you liked. Mr. Nix was a kindly little man and
a diplomatic, and he suited himself to his company;
but he did like sometimes to be quite unbuttoned and not
to have "to think of every word."
With Miss Morganhurst you needn't think of anything.
She found his love of gossip very agreeable
indeed; she approved, too, of his honourable code. You
were safe with him. Not a thing would he ever give
away about any other inhabitant of Hortons. She
asked him about the food for Tiny-Tee, and he assured
her that he would do his best. And the little dinners
for four?... She need not be anxious.
After which she dismissed the war altogether from
her mind. It would, of course, emphasise its more
unagreeable features in the paper. That was unfortunate.
But very soon the press cleverly discovered a
kind of camouflage of phrase which covered up reality
completely. "The honourable gentleman, speaking at
Newcastle last night, said that we would not sheathe the
sword until——" "Over the top! those are the words
for which our brave lads are waiting——" "Our offensive
in these areas inflicted very heavy losses on the
Germans and resulted in the capture of important positions
by the Allied troops."
It seemed that Miss Morganhurst read these phrases
for a week or two, and easily persuaded herself that
the war was non-existent. She was happy that it was
so. It appears incredible that anyone could have dismissed
the war so easily, but then Miss Morganhurst
was surely impenetrable.
I have heard different explanations given by people,
who knew her well, of Miss Morganhurst's impenetrability.
Some said that it was a mask, assumed to cover
and defeat feelings that were dangerous to liberate;
others, that she was so selfish and egoistic that she
really did not care about anybody. This is the interesting
point about Miss Morganhurst. Did she banish
the war entirely from her consciousness and give it no
further consideration, or was she, in truth, desperately
and with ever-increasing terror aware of it and unable
to resist it?
She gave no sign until the very end; but the nature
of that end leads me to believe that the first of the two
theories is the correct one. People who knew her have
said that her devotion to that wretched little canine
remnant proves that she had no heart, but only a fluent
sentimentality. I believe it to have proved exactly
the opposite. I believe her to have been the cynic she
was because she had, at some time or other, been deeply
disappointed. She had, I imagine, no illusions about
herself, and saw that the only thing to be, if she were
to fight at all, was ruthless, harsh, money-grubbing,
and, above all, to bury herself in other people's scandal.
She was, I rather fancy, one of those women for
whom life would have been completely changed, had
she been given beauty or even moderate good looks.
As life had not given her that, she would pay it back.
And after all, life was stronger than she knew....
She did not refuse to discuss the war, but she spoke
of it as of something remotely distant, playing itself
out in the sands of the Sahara, for instance. Nothing
stirred her cynical humour more deeply than the heroics
on both sides. When politicians or kings or generals
got up and said before all the world how just their cause
was and how keen they were about honour and truth
and self-sacrifice, and how certain they were, after
all, to win, Miss Morganhurst gave her sinister villainous
chuckle.
She became something of a power during the bad
years, when the air-raids came and the casualties
mounted higher and higher, and Roumania came in
only to break, and the Russian revolution led to the
sinister ghoulishness of Brest-Litovsk. People sought
her company. "We'll go and see the 'Morgue,'" they
said; "she never mentions the war." She never did;
she refused absolutely to consider it. She would not
even discuss prices and raids and ration-books. Private
history was what she cared for, and that generally
on the scabious side, if possible. What she liked to
know was who was sick of her, why so-and-so had left
such-and-such a place, whether X—— was really drinking,
and why Z—— had taken to cocaine. Her bridge
got better and better, and it used to be a real trial of
strength to go and play with her in the untidy, over-full,
over-garish little flat. The arrival of the Armistice
was, I believe now, her first dangerous moment. She
was suddenly forced to pause and consider; it was not
so easy to shut her eyes and ears as it had been, and the
things that she had, against her will, seen and heard
were now, in the new silence, insistent. She suddenly,
as I remember noticing about this time, got to look
incredibly old.
Her nose seemed longer, her chin hookier, her hands
bonier, and little brown spots like sickly freckles appeared
on her forehead.
Her dress got brighter and brighter. She especially
affected a kind of purple silk, I remember.
The Armistice seemed to disappoint her. It would
have done us people a lot of good to get a thorough
trouncing, I remember her saying. What would have
happened to herself, and her bridge, had we had that
trouncing I don't think she reflected. So far as one
could see, she regarded herself as an inevitable permanency.
I wonder whether she really did. She
developed, too, just about this time, an increased passion
for her wretched little dog. It was as though, now
that the war was really nearing its close, she was twice
as frightened about that animal's safety as she had been
before? Of what was she afraid? Was it some ghostly
warning? Was it some sense that she had that fate
was surely going to get her somewhere, and that now
that it had missed her through air-raids it must try
other means? Or was it simply that she had more time
now to spend over the animal's wants and desires? In
any case she would not let the dog out of her sight unless
on some most imperative occasion. She trusted Agatha,
but no one would take so much care as one would
oneself. The dog itself seemed now to be restless and
alarmed as though it smelt already its approaching
doom. It got, so far as one could see, no pleasure
from anything. There were no signs that it loved its
mistress, only it did perhaps have a sense that she
could protect it from outside disaster. Every step,
every word, every breath of wind seemed to drive its
little soul to the very edge of extinction—then, with
shudderings and shiverings and tremblings, back it
came again. They were a grim pair, those two.
Christmas came and passed, and the world began to
shake itself together again. That same shaking was a
difficult business, attended with strikes and revolutions
and murder and despair; but out of the chaos prophets
might discern a form slowly rising, a shape that would
stand for a new world, for a better world, a kindlier, a
cleaner, honester....
But Miss Morganhurst was no prophet. Her sallow
eyes were intent on her bridge-cards—so, at least,
they appeared to be.
After the catastrophe, I talked with only one person
who seemed to have expected what actually occurred.
This was a funny old thing called Miss Williams, one
of Miss Morganhurst's more shabby friends—a gossip
and a sentimentalist—the last person in the world, as I
would have supposed, to see anything interesting.
However, this old lady insisted that she had perceived,
during this period, that Miss Morganhurst was "keeping
something back."
"Keeping what back?" I asked. "A guilty secret?"
"Oh, not at all," said Miss Williams. "Dear me, no.
Dahlia wouldn't have minded anything of that kind.
No, it's my belief she was affected by the war long before
any of us supposed it, and that she wouldn't think
of it or look at it because she knew what would happen
if she did. She knew, too, that she was being haunted
by it all the time, and that it was all piling up, ready,
waiting for the moment.... I do hope you don't think
me fantastical——"
I didn't think her "fantastical" at all, but I must
confess that when I look back I can see in the Miss
Morganhurst of these months nothing but a colossal
egotism and greed.
However, I must not be cruel. It was towards the
end of April that fate, suddenly tired of waiting, took
her in hand, and finished her off.
One afternoon when, arrayed in a bright pink tea-gown,
she was lying on her sofa, taking some rest before
dressing for dinner, Agatha came in and said that her
brother was there and would like to see her. Now Miss
Morganhurst had a very surprising brother—surprising,
that is, for her. He was a clergyman who had been for
very many years the rector of a little parish in Wiltshire.
So little a parish was it that it gave him little
work and less pay, with the result that he was, at his
advanced age, shabby and moth-eaten and dim, like a
poor old bird shut up for many months in a blinded
cage and let suddenly into the light. I don't know
what Miss Morganhurst's dealings with her brother
had been, whether she had been kind to him or unkind,
selfish or unselfish; but I suspect that she had not seen
very much of him. Their ways had been too different,
their ambitions too separate. The old man had had
one passion in his life, his son, and the boy had died
in a German prison in the summer of 1918. He had
been, it was gathered, in one of the more unpleasant
German prisons. Mr. Morganhurst was a widower,
and this blow had simply finished him—the thread that
connected him with coherent life snapped, and he lived
in a world of dim visions and incoherent dreams.
He was not, in fact, quite right in his head.
Agatha must have thought the couple a strange and
depressing pair as they stood together in that becoloured
and becrowded room, if, that is to say, she ever thought
of anything but herself. Poor old Morganhurst was
wearing an overcoat really green with age, and his
squashy black hat was dusty and unbrushed.
He wore large spectacles, and his chin was of the
kind that seems always to have two days' growth upon
it. The bottoms of his trousers were muddy, although
it was a dry day. He stood there uneasily twisting
his hat round and round in his fingers and blinking
at his sister.
"Sit down, Frederick," said his sister. "What can
I do for you?"
It seemed that he had come simply to talk to her. He
was going down to Little Roseberry that evening, but
he had an hour to spare. The fact was that he was
besieged, invaded, devastated by horrors of which he
could not rid himself.
If he gave them to someone else might they not leave
him? At any rate he would share them—he would
share them with his sister. It appeared that an officer,
liberated from Germany after the Armistice, had sought
him out and given him some last details about his son's
death.
These "details" were not nice. There are, as we all
know, German prisons and German prisons. Young
Morganhurst seemed to have been sent to one of the
poorer sort. He had been rebellious and had been punished;
he had been starved, shut up for days in solitary
darkness ... at the end he had found a knife somewhere
and had killed himself.
The old man's mind was like a haystack, and many
details lost their way in the general confusion. He
told what he could to his sister. It must have been a
strange meeting: the shabby old man sitting in one of
those gaudy chairs trying to rid himself of his horror
and terror and, above all, of his loneliness. Here was
the only relation, the only link, the only hope of something
human to comfort him in his darkness; and he
did not know her, could not see how to appeal to her or
to touch her ... she was as strange to him as a bird
of paradise. She on her side, as I now can see, had
her own horror to fight. Here at last was the thing that
throughout the war she had struggled to keep away
from her. She knew, and she alone, how susceptible
she was! But she could not turn him away; he was
her brother, and she hated him for coming—shabby
old man—but she must hear him out.
She sat there, the dog clutched, shivering to her
skinny breast. I don't suppose that she said very much,
but she listened. Against her will she listened, and
it must have been with her as it is with some traveller
when, in the distance, he hears the rushing of the
avalanche that threatens to overwhelm him. But she
didn't close her ears. From what she said afterwards
one knows that she must have heard everything that he
said.
He very quickly, I expect, forgot that he had an audience
at all. The words poured out. There was some
German officer who had been described to him and he
had grown, in his mind, to be the very devil himself.
He was a brute, I daresay, but there are brutes in every
country....
"He had done simply nothing—just spoken back
when they insulted him. They took his clothes off him—everything.
He was quite naked. And they mocked
him like that, pricking him with their swords....
They put him into darkness ... a filthy place, no sanitation,
nothing.... They twisted his arms. They
made him imagine things, horrible things. When he
had dysentery they just left him.... They made him
drink ... forced it down his throat...."
How much of it was true? Very little, I daresay.
Even as the old man told it details gathered and piled
up. "He had always been such a good boy. Very
gentle and quiet—never any trouble at school.... I
was hoping that he would be ordained, as you know,
Dahlia. He always loved life ... one of the happiest
boys. What did they do it for? He hadn't done them
any harm. They must have made him very angry for
him to say what he did—and he didn't say very much....
And he was all alone. He hadn't any of his
friends with him. And they kept his parcels and
letters from him. I'd just sent him one or two little
things...."
This, more than anything else, distressed the old man:
that they'd kept the letters from the boy. It was the
loneliness that seemed to him the most horrible of all.
"He had always hated to be alone. Even as a very
little boy he didn't like to be left in the dark. He
used to beg us.... Night-lights, we always left night-lights
in his room.... But what had he done?
Nothing. He had never been a bad boy. There was
nothing to punish him for."
The old man didn't cry. He sniffed and rubbed
his eyes with the back of his hand, and once he brought
out a dirty handkerchief. The thing that he couldn't
understand was why this had happened to the boy at
all. Also he was persecuted by the thought that there
was something still that he could do. He didn't know
what it might be, but there must be something. He
had no vindictiveness. He didn't want revenge. He
didn't blame the Germans. He didn't blame anybody.
He only felt that he should "make it up to his boy"
somehow. "You know, Dahlia," he said, "there were
times when one was irritated by the boy. I haven't
a very equable temper. No, I never have had. I used
to have my headaches, and he was noisy sometimes.
And I'm afraid I spoke sharply. I'm sorry enough
for it now—indeed, I am. Oh, yes! But, of course,
one didn't know at the time...."
Then he went back to the horrors. They would not
leave him, they buzzed about his brain like flies. The
darkness, the smell ... the smell, the filth, the darkness.
And then the end! He could not forget that.
What the boy must have suffered to come to that! Such
a happy boy!... Why had it happened? And what
was to be done now?
He stopped at last and said that he must go and catch
his train. He was glad to have talked about it. It had
done him good. It was kindly of Dahlia to listen to
him. He hoped that Dahlia would come down one
day and see him at Little Roseberry. It wasn't much
that he could offer her. It was a quiet little place,
and he was alone, but he would be glad to see her. He
kissed her, gave her a dim bewildered smile, and went.
Soon after his departure Mrs. Mellish arrived. It is
significant of Mrs. Mellish's general egotism and ignorance
that she perceived nothing odd in Miss Morganhurst!
Just the same as she always was. They talked
bridge the next afternoon. Bridge. Four women.
What about Norah Pope? Poor player. That's the
worst of it. Doesn't see properly and won't wear glasses.
Simply conceit. But still, who else is there? To-morrow
afternoon. Very difficult. Mrs. Mellish admits
that on that particular day she was preoccupied
about a dress that she couldn't get back from the dressmakers.
These days. What has come to the working-classes?
They don't care. They don't care. Money
simply of no importance to them. That's the strange
thing. In the old days you could have done simply
everything by offering them a little more.... But
not now. Oh, dear no!... She admits that she was
preoccupied about the dress, and wasn't noticing Dahlia
Morganhurst as she might have done. She saw nothing
odd. It's my belief that she'll see nothing odd at the
last trump. She went away.
Agatha is the other witness. After Mrs. Mellish's
departure she came in to her mistress. The only thing
that she remarked about her was that "she was very
quiet." Tired, I supposed, after talking to that Mrs.
Mellish. And then her old brother and all. Enough
to upset anyone.
Miss Morganhurst sat on the edge of her gaudy sofa
looking in front of her. When Agatha came in she
said that she would not dress just yet. Agatha had
better take the dog out for a quarter of an hour. The
maid wondered at that because that was a thing that she
was never allowed to do. She hated the animal. However,
she pushed its monstrous little head inside its
absurd little muzzle, put on her hat and went out.
I don't know what Miss Morganhurst thought about
during that quarter of an hour, but when at the end of
that time Agatha returned, scared out of her life with
the dog dead in her arms, the old lady was sitting in the
same spot as before. She can't have moved. She must
have been fighting, I fancy, against the last barrier—the
last barrier that kept all the wild beasts back from
leaping on her imagination.
Well, that slaughtered morsel of skin and bone finished
it. The slaughtering had been the most natural
thing in the world. Agatha had put the creature on the
pavement for a moment and turned to look in a shop
window. Some dog from the other side of the street
had enticed the trembling object. It had started tottering
across, uttering tiny snorts of sensual excitement
behind its absurd muzzle. A Rolls-Royce had done
the rest. It had suffered very little damage, and laid
out on Miss Morganhurst's red lacquer table, it really
looked finer than it had ever done. Agatha, of course,
was terrified. She knew better than anyone how deeply
her mistress had loved the poor trembling image. Sobbing,
she explained. She was really touched, I think—quite
truly touched for half a minute. Then, when
she saw how quietly Miss Morganhurst took it, she regained
her courage. Miss Morganhurst said nothing
but "Yes." Agatha regained, with her courage, her
volubility. Words poured forth. She could needs tell
madame how deeply, deeply she regretted her carelessness.
She would kill herself for her carelessness if
madame preferred that. How she could! Madame
might do with her what she wished....
But all that Miss Morganhurst said was "Yes."
Miss Morganhurst went into her bedroom to dress for
dinner, and Tiny-Tee was left, at full length in all her
glory, trembling no longer, upon the red lacquer table.
Agatha went downstairs for something, spoke to
Fanny, the portress, and returned. Outside the bedroom
door, which was ajar, she heard a strange sound,
like someone cracking nuts, she described it afterwards.
She went in. Miss Morganhurst, her thin grey hair
about her neck, clad only in her chemise, was sitting
on her bed swinging her bare legs. At sight of Agatha
she screeched like a parrot. As Agatha approached
she sprang off the bed and advanced at her—her back
bent, her fingers bent talon-wise. A stream of words
poured from her lips. Every horror, every indecency,
every violation of truth and honour that the war had
revealed through the press, through books, through letters,
seemed to have lodged in that brain. Every murder,
every rape, every slaughter of innocent children,
every violation of girls and old women—they were all
there. She stopped close to Agatha and the words
streamed out. At the end of every sentence, with a little
sigh, she whispered—"I was there! I was there!...
I've seen it."
Agatha, frozen with horror, remained; then, action
coming back to her, she fled—Miss Morganhurst pursued
her, her bare feet pattering on the carpet. She
called Agatha by the name of some obscure German
captain.
Agatha found a doctor. When they returned Miss
Morganhurst was lying on her face on the floor in the
darkness, hiding from what she saw. "I was there,
you know," she whispered to the doctor as he put her
to bed.
She died next day. Perhaps, after all, many people
have felt the war more than one has supposed....
V PETER WESTCOTT
Westcott's astonishment when Edmund Robsart
offered to lend his chambers rent free for
two months was only equalled by his amazement when
he discovered himself accepting that offer. Had you
told him a week before that within seven days he would
be sleeping in Robsart's sumptuous bed closed in by the
rich sanctities of Robsart's sumptuous flat, he would
have looked at you with that cool contempt that was
one of Westcott's worst features; for Westcott in those
days was an arrogant man—arrogant through disgust
of himself and disgust of the world—two very poor
reasons for arrogance.
This was the way of his accepting Robsart's offer.
He had been demobilised at the beginning of March and
had realised, with a sudden surprise that seemed only to
confirm his arrogance, that he had no one to go and
see, no work to do, no place that needed him, no place
that he needed. He took a bedroom in a dirty little
street off the Strand. He knew that there were two
men whom he should look up, Maradick and Galleon.
He swore to himself that he would die before he saw
either of them. Then, in the Strand, he met Lester,
a man whom he had known in his old literary days
before the war. Twenty years ago Lester had been a
man of much promise, and his novel To Paradise had
been read by everyone who wanted a short road to culture.
Now the war had definitely dated him and he
seemed to belong to the Yellow Book and the Bodley
Head and all those days when names were so much more
important than performance, and a cover with a Beardsley
drawing on it hid a multitude of amateurs.
Westcott did not mind whether or no Lester were
dated; he was, for the matter of that, himself dated. It
was long indeed since anyone had mentioned Reuben
Hallard, or The Vines, or The Stone House. It seemed
many ages since he himself had thought of them. He
liked Lester, and being a man who, in spite of his loneliness
and arrogance, responded at once to kindliness,
he accepted Lester's invitation to dinner. He dug up
an old dinner jacket that was tight and unduly stretched
across his broad shoulders and went to dinner in the
Cromwell Road.
Days of failure and disappointment had not suited
Mrs. Lester, who had always lived for excitement and
good society, and found neither in the Cromwell Road.
There was only one other guest beside Westcott, and
that was Edmund Robsart, the most successful of all
modern novelists. For many years Robsart's name had
been a synonym for success. "It must be," thought
Westcott, looking at the man's red face and superb
chest and portly stomach, "at least thirty years since
you published The Prime Minister's Daughter and hit
the nail at the very first time. What a loathsome fellow
you are, what harm you've done to literature, and
what a gorgeous time you must have had!"
And the very first thing that Robsart said was:
"You don't mean to tell me that you're Westcott, the
author of Reuben Hallard!"
"Now you're a fool to be touched by that," Westcott
said to himself. But he was astonished, nevertheless—touched,
it seemed, not so much for himself as in a
kind of protective way for that poor little firstling who
had been both begotten and produced in a London boarding-house
and had held in his little hands so much
promise, so many hopes, so much pride and ambition.
Westcott was touched; he did not resent Robsart's
fatherly, patronising air as of one who held always in his
chubby, gouty fist the golden keys to Paradise. He
drank Lester's wine and laughed at Robsart's anecdotes
and was sympathetic to Mrs. Lester's complaints;
he, Peter Westcott, who throughout the war had been
held to be cold, conceited, overbearing, the most unpopular
officer in his regiment. At the end of the evening
Robsart asked him to come to lunch. "I live in
Duke Street, Hortons. Everyone knows Hortons."
He gave him his number. "Tuesday, 1.30. Glad to
see you."
Westcott cursed himself for a fool when he went back
to his Strand lodging. What did he want with men of
Robsart's kidney? Had he not been laughing and
mocking at Robsart for years? Had he not taken Robsart's
success as a sign of the contemptible character of
the British Public; when men like Galleon and Lester
had been barely able to live by their pens and Robsart
rolled in money—rolled in money earned by tawdry
fustian sentimentality like The Kings of the Earth and
Love Laughs at Locksmiths.
Nevertheless, he went and brushed his old blue suit
and rolled up to Duke Street, looking, as he always did,
like an able-bodied seaman on leave. Robsart's flat
was very much what he had expected it to be—quite
sumptuous and quite lifeless. There was a little dining-room
off what Robsart called the Library. This little
dining-room had nothing in it save a round, shining
gate-legged table with a glass top to it, a red Persian
rug that must have been priceless, a Rodin bust of an
evil-looking old woman who stuck her tongue out, and a
Gauguin that looked to Westcott like a red apple and
a banana, but was, in reality, a native woman by the
seashore. In the Library there were wonderful books,
the walls being completely covered by them.
"Most of them first or rare editions," said Robsart
carelessly. Behind glass near the window were the
books that he had himself written, all the different
editions, the translations, the cheap "Shillings" and
"Two Shillings," the strange Swedish and Norwegian
and Russian copies with their paper backs, the row
of "Tauchnitz," and then all the American editions
with their solemn, heavy bindings. Then there were
the manuscripts of the novels, all bound beautifully in
red morocco, and in the bottom shelf the books with all
the newspaper cuttings dating, as Westcott to his amazement
saw, from 1884. Thirty-five years, and all this
sumptuousness as a result! Nevertheless the books
round the room looked dead, dead, dead. "Never
touched," thought Peter, "except to show them to poor
humble failures like myself."
Half an hour's conversation was quite enough to strip
Peter of any illusions he may have had about Robsart's
natural simplicity of heart. He had invited Westcott
there because he wanted a little praise from "the
Younger Generation"—"needed" rather than "wanted"
was perhaps the right word. Westcott was hardly the
ideal victim, because he was over forty, and an undoubted
failure; nevertheless, at Lester's he had appeared
amiable and kindly—a little encouragement and
he would say something pleasant.
Then Robsart would have soothed that tiresome, biting,
bitter irritation that had beset him of late, born he
knew not where, a suggestion carried on the wind that
"he was behind the times," that his books "no longer
sold," that no young man or woman "thought of him
with anything but contempt." These things had not
been said directly to him; he had not even read them in
the papers. There were certain critical journals that
had, of course, since the beginning of his career given
him nothing but abuse if they noticed him at all. They
now treated him to silence. He did not expect them
to alter. But his sales were falling; even the critics
who had supported him through all weathers were complaining
a little now of monotony of subject, of repetition
of idea. "Damn it all, what can you do but repeat
after thirty books?" Sometimes he wondered whether
he would not stop and "rest on his laurels." But that
meant a diminution of income; he had always lived well
and spent every penny as it came along. Moreover,
now was the worst moment to choose, with the income-tax
at what it was and food and clothes and everything
else at double its natural price!
As a matter of truth, he had been looking forward
during the last two years to "after the war." ... That
was the time when he was going to start again. Get
this war behind one and he would break out in an entirely
new place—"begin all over again"—show all
those young fellows that all their so-called modernity was
nothing but a new trick or two for covering up the same
old thing. He could do it as well as they. Write in
suspensive dots and dashes, mention all the parts of the
human body in full, count every tick of the clock, and
call your book "Disintegration," or "Dead Moons," or
"Green Queens."
Robsart liked himself in these moods, and during
luncheon he amiably wandered along in this direction,
plucking the flowers of his wit as he went and flinging
them into Westcott's lap.
Peter grew ever more and more silent. He hated
Robsart. That ghastly preoccupation with his own little
affairs, the self-patting and self-applause over the
little successes that he had won, above all, that blending
of all the horror and tragedy of that great nightmare
of a war to fit into the pattern of that mean, self-gratifying
little life—these things were horrible. But,
strangely, with the ever-growing disgust of Robsart
and his slightly disturbed self-complacency came an
evil longing in Peter's breast for some of the comfort
and luxury that Robsart's life represented. Ever since
that day, now so many years ago, when his wife had
run away with his best friend, he had known, it seemed,
no peace, no quiet, no tranquillity. It was not security
that he needed, but rather a pause in the battle of the
spiritual elements that seemed to be for ever beating
at his ears and driving him staggering from post to post.
Had it not been for the war he had often thought,
he must have succumbed before now. Final defeat, at
any rate, meant rest. He had not succumbed. These
years in Gallipoli and France had saved him. But he,
in those desolate, death-ridden places had again and
again said to himself, even as Robsart, safe in Hortons,
had said: "After the war.... After the war...."
After the war Peter would build up his life again. But
first, even a month's rest—somewhere that was not dirty
and cheap and ill-smelling. Somewhere with good
food and kind looks.... Then he smiled as he thought
of Maradick and Galleon, his two friends, who could
both give him those things. No, he wanted also freedom.
Thus, to his amazement, at the end of luncheon, when
he was feeling as though he could not bear the sound of
Robsart's rich, self-satisfied voice a moment longer, the
man made his proposal. He was going to Scotland for
two months. Would Westcott like to take the flat,
free of rent, of course? It was at his disposal. He
need not have meals there unless he wished.
Something in Westcott's spirit had attracted Robsart.
Westcott had not given him the praise he had
needed; but now he seemed to have forgotten that.
The man who sat opposite to him with the thin face,
the black, closely cropped hair, thin above his forehead,
grey above the temples, with the broad shoulders,
the hard, thick-set figure, the grave eyes, the nervous,
restless fingers, the man who, in spite of his forty years,
seemed still in some strange way a boy—that man had
been through fire and tribulation such as Robsart would
never know. Robsart was not a bad man, nor an
unkindly; success had been the worst thing that could
have happened to his soul. He put his hand on Westcott's
shoulder: "You stay here and have a rest for a
bit. Do just as you like. Chuck my things about.
Smash the Rodin if it amuses you." Peter accepted.
When he moved, with his few possessions, into the
grand place, he found it less alarming than he had
expected. Hortons itself was anything but alarming.
In the first place, there was the nicest girl in the world,
Fanny, who was portress downstairs. She made one
happy at once. Then the valet, Albert, or Albert
Edward, as he seemed to prefer to be called, was the
kind of man understood in a moment by Peter. They
were friends in three minutes. Albert Edward had
his eye on Fanny, and was going to propose one of these
days. Wouldn't they make a jolly pair?
Once or twice the great Mr. Nix himself, the manager
of the flats, came in to see how Peter was faring.
He seemed to have an exalted idea of Peter because he
was "Robsart's friend." Robsart was a very great man
in Mr. Nix's eyes.
"But I'm not his friend," Peter said. "You must
have been," Mr. Nix said, "for him to let you have his
flat like that. I've never known him to do that before."
In three days Peter was happy; in another three
days he began to be strangled. There were too many
things in the flat—beautiful things, costly things. Little
golden trifles, precious china, pictures worth a fortune,
first editions scattered about as though they were
nothing. "Too full, too full, too full."
Peter couldn't sleep. He pushed on all the lights,
and pushed them all off again. He got up, and in his
old, shabby, patched pyjamas walked the length of the
flat up and down, up and down. The Brahmin gods
in the gold temple stared at him impassively. The
Rodin old woman leered.
"Another two days and I'm done with this place,"
he thought. Then Murdoch Temple came to see him.
Westcott had known Temple before the war; he had
not seen him for five years. Temple had not altered:
there was the same slight, delicate body, pale, discontented
face, jet-black hair, long, nervous and conceited
hands, shabby clothes too tight for the body and most
characteristic of all, a melancholy and supercilious curl
to his upper lip. Temple was supercilious by nature
and melancholy by profession. From the very beginning
it had seemed that he was destined to be a genius,
and although after fifteen years of anticipation the
fulfilment of that destiny was still postponed, no one
could doubt, least of all Temple himself, that the day
of recognition was approaching. At Oxford it had
seemed that there was nothing that he could not do;
in actual fact he had since then read much French and
some Russian (in translation, of course), edited two little
papers, strangled by an unsympathetic public almost
at birth, produced a novel, a poem, and a book of criticism.
An unhappy chill had hung over all these
things. The war, in whose progress poor health had
forbidden him to take a very active part, had made of
him a pessimist and pacifist; but even here a certain
temperamental weakness had forbidden him to be too
ardent. He was peevish rather than indignant, petulant
rather than angry, unkind rather than cruel, malicious
rather than unjust, and, undoubtedly, a little
sycophantic.
He had a brain, but he had always used it for
the fostering of discontent. He did care, with more
warmth than one would have supposed possible, for literature,
but everything in it must be new, and strange,
and unsuccessful. Success was, to him, the most terrible
of all things, unless he himself were to attain it.
That, as things now went, seemed unlikely. During
the last two years he and his friends had been anticipating
all that they were going to do "after the war...."
There was to be a new literature, a new poetry, a new
novel, a new criticism; and all these were to be built
up by Temple and company. "Thank God, the war's
saved us from the old mess we were in. No more
Robsarts and Manisbys for us! Now we shall see!"
Peter had heard vague rumours of the things
these young men were going to do. He had not been
greatly interested. He was outside their generation,
and his own ambitions were long deadened by his own
self-contempt. Nevertheless, on this particular morning,
he was glad to see Temple. There was no question
but that he made as effective a contrast with Robsart
as one could find.
Temple was extremely cordial. At the same time, he
was frankly surprised to find Peter there.
"How did you track me?" asked Peter.
"Robsart told Maradick in Edinburgh, Meredith was
writing to me. How are you after all this time?"
"All right," said Peter, smiling. The conversation
then was literary, and Temple explained "how things
were." Things were very bad. He used the glories
of Robsart's rooms as an illustration of his purpose.
He waved his hands about. "Look at these things,"
he seemed to say. "At these temples of gold, this china
of great price, these pictures, and then look at me.
Here is the contrast between true and false art."
"We want to get rid," he explained to Peter, "of
all these false valuations. This wretched war has
shown us at least one thing—the difference between the
true and the false. The world is in pieces. It is for
us to build it up again."
"And how are you going to do it?" asked Peter.
Well, it seemed that Temple's prospects were especially
bright just then. It happened that Mr. Dibden,
the original inventor of "Dibden's Blue Pills," was
anxious to "dabble in art." He was ready to put quite
a little of his "blue pill" money behind a new critical
paper, and the editor of this paper was to be Temple.
"Of course," said Temple. "I'm not going to agree
to it unless he guarantees us at least five years' run. A
paper of the sort that I have in mind always takes
some time to make its impression. In five years the
world at least will be able to see what we are made of.
I've no fears."
Peter, who was more ingenuous than he knew, was
caught by the rather wistful eagerness in Temple's voice.
"This fellow really does care," he thought.
"We want you to come in with us," said Temple.
"Of course, we shall have nothing to do with fellows
like D—— and W—— and M——; men who've simply
made successes by rotten work. No! But I flatter myself
that there will be no one of our generation of any
merit who won't join us. You must be one."
"I'm too old," said Peter, "for your young lot."
"Too old!" cried Temple. "Rot! Of course, it's a
long time since The Vineo, but all the better. You'll
be the fresher for the pause. Not like M—— and
W——, who turn out novels twice a year as though they
were sausages. Besides, you've been in the war.
You've seen at first hand what it is. None of these
ghastly high spirits about you! You'll have the right
pessimistic outlook."
"I don't know that I shall," said Peter, laughing.
"Oh, yes, you will," said Temple confidently. "I'm
delighted you'll join us. And I'll be able to pay well,
too. Old Dibden's ready to stump up any amount."
"That's a good thing," said Peter.
He remembered that Temple had not, with the best
wish in the world, been always able in the past to fulfil
all his promises. In short, Peter was touched and even
excited. It was so long since anyone had come to him
or wanted him. Then Temple had caught him at the
right moment. He was out of a job; Robsart's flat
was suffocating him; he himself was feeling something
of this new air that was blowing through the world.
He wondered whether after all it might not be that
Temple and his friends would be given the power.
They had youth, energy, a freedom from tradition....
He promised Temple that he would come to tea next
day, and see some of his friends.
"The paper's to be called the Blue Moon," said Temple.
"To-morrow, then, at five."
Peter found himself at five next day in a small room
off Chancery Lane. Temple met him at the door,
greeted him with that rather eager and timid air that
was especially his, introduced him to a young man on
a green sofa, and left him.
Peter was rather amused at his own excitement. He
looked about him with eagerness. Here, at any rate,
was a fine contrast to Robsart. No gold gods and
precious Rodins in this place. The room was bare
to shabbiness. The only picture on the ugly wall-paper
was a copy of some post-impressionist picture
stuck on to the paper with a pin.
It was a warm spring day, and the room was very
close. Some half a dozen men and two girls were
present; very much bad tobacco was being smoked.
Somewhere near the untidy fire-place was a table with
tea on it. "Perhaps," thought Peter, "these are the
men who will make the new world.... At any rate,
no false prosperity here. These men mean what they
say." Looking about him, the first thing that he discovered
was a strange family likeness that there seemed
to be amongst the men. They all wore old, shabby, ill-fitting
clothes. No hair was brushed, no collars were
clean, all boots were dusty. "That's all right," thought
Peter. "There's no time to waste thinking about clothes
these days."
All the same he did like cleanliness, and what distressed
him was that all the young men looked unwell.
One of them, indeed, was fat. But it was an unhealthy
stoutness, pale, blotchy, pimpled. Complexions were
sallow, bodies undeveloped and uncared-for. It was
not that they looked ill-fed—simply that they seemed
to have been living in close atmospheres and taking no
exercise.... Listening then to the talk he discovered
that the tone of the voices was strangely the same.
It was as though one man were speaking, as though the
different bodies were vehicles for the same voice. The
high, querulous, faint, scornful voice ran on. It
seemed as though, did it cease, the room would cease
with it—the room, the sofa, the wall-paper, the tea-table
cease with it, and vanish. One of the pale young
men was on the sofa stroking a tiny, ragged moustache
with his rather dirty fingers. He raised sad, heavy eyes
to Peter's face, then, with a kind of spiritual shudder
as though he did not like what he had seen there,
dropped them.
"It's rather close in here, isn't it?" said Peter at
last.
"Maybe," said the young man....
One of the young women, directed apparently by
Temple, came over to Peter. She sat down on the
sofa and began eagerly to talk to him. She said how
glad she was that he was going to join them. Although
she spoke eagerly, her voice was tired, with a
kind of angry, defiant ring in it. She spoke so rapidly
that Peter had difficulty in following her. He asked
who the men in the room were.
"That's Somers," she said, pointing to the stout man,
"Hacket Somers. Of course, you know his work? I've
got his new poem here. Like to see it? We shall
have it in the first number of the Blue Moon."
She handed Peter a page of typed manuscript. He
read it eagerly. Here, then, was the new literature. It
was apparently a poem. It was headed "Wild West—Remittance
Man."
The first three verses were as follows:
"Schlemihl no mother weep for doomed for a certain time—
Rye whisky—a fungus Works into each face—line— The Bond-street exterior— tears at his vitals— gravely the whisker droops his eyes are cold.
Immaculate meteor Inside a thick ichos outside a thick ether quenched the bright music....
Peter read these three verses; then a second time,
then a third. The young woman was talking fiercely
as he read. She turned to him:
"Aren't they splendid?" she said. "Hacket at his
best. I was a little doubtful of him, but now there's
no question...."
"Frankly," said Peter, "I don't understand them.
It's about a drunkard, isn't it? I see that, but...."
"Don't understand it!" cried the young woman.
"What don't you understand?"
"Well, for instance," said Peter, "'Immaculate meteor.'
Is that the world, or Bond Street, or the whisky?"
He felt her contempt.
She laughed.
"Well, of course, Hacket's poems aren't for everybody,"
she said.
She got up then, and left him. He knew the report
that she would make of him to Temple. He sat there
bewildered. He began to feel lonely and a little angry.
After all it was not his fault that he had not understood
the poem. Or was it the heat of the room? He wished
that someone would offer him some tea, but everyone
was talking, talking, talking. He sat back and listened.
The talk eddied about him, dazing him, retreating,
rolling back again. He listened. Every kind of topic
was there—men, women, the war, Germany, poetry,
homo-sexuality, divorce, adultery, Walt Whitman,
Sapho, names, strange names, American names, French
names, Russian names, condemning Him, condemning
Her, condemning It, the war, Man ... Woman....
Once and again he caught popular names. How
they were condemned! The scorn, the languid, insolent
scorn. Then pacifism.... He gathered that two
of the men in the room had been forced to dig potatoes
for the Government because they didn't believe in war.
Patriotism! The room quivered with scorn. Patriots!
It was as though you had said murderers or adulterers!
His anger grew. Robsart was better than this, far,
far better. At least Robsart tried to make something
out of life. He was not ashamed to be happy. He did
not condemn. He was doubtful about himself, too.
He would not have asked Peter to lunch had he not
been doubtful.... And the arrogance here. The room
was thick with it. The self-applause mounted higher
and higher. The fat man read one of his poems. Only
a few words reached Peter. "Buttock ... blood
... cobra ... loins ... mud ... shrill ...
bovine...."
Suddenly he felt as though in another moment he
would rush into their midst, striking them apart, crying
out against them, as condemnatory, as arrogant as
they. He got from his sofa and crept from the room.
No one noticed him. In the street the beautiful, cool,
evening air could not comfort him. He was wretched,
lonely, angry, above all, most bitterly disappointed.
It seemed to him as he walked along slowly up Fleet
Street that life was really hopeless and useless. On
the one side, Robsart; on the other, these arrogant
fools, and in the middle, himself, no better than they—worse,
indeed—for they at least stood for something,
and he for nothing, absolutely nothing. That absurd
poem had, at any rate, effort behind it, striving, ambition,
hope. He had cared all his life for intellectual
things, had longed to achieve some form of beauty,
however tiny, however insignificant.... He had
achieved nothing. Well, that knowledge would not
have beaten him down had he felt the true spirit of
greatness in these others. He realised now how deeply
he had hoped from that meeting. He had believed
in the new world of which they were all talking; he had
believed that its creation would be brought about by
the forces of art, of brotherhood, of kindliness, and
charity, and nobility. And then to go and listen to
a meeting like Temple's? But what right had he to
judge them, or Robsart, or anyone?
Only too ready to believe himself a failure, it seemed
now that the world too was a failure; that the worst
things that the pessimists had said during the war were
now justified. Above all he detested his own arrogance
in judging these other men.
He had come by now to Piccadilly Circus. He was
held by the crowd for a moment on the kerb outside
Swan & Edgar's. The Circus was wrapped in a pale,
honey-coloured evening glow. The stir of the movement
of the traffic was dimmed as though it came through a
half-open door. Peter felt calm touch his bitter unhappiness
as he stood there. He stayed as though someone
had a hand on his shoulder and was holding him there.
He was conscious for the second time that day of anticipation.
Now, having been cheated once, he tried to
drive it away, but it would not leave him, and he
waited almost as though he were expecting some procession
to pass. The shops were closing, and many people
were going home. As he stood there Big Ben struck
six o'clock, and was echoed from St. James's and St.
Martin's. People were coming in prepared for an
evening's amusement. The last shoppers were waiting
for the omnibuses to take them up Regent Street.
Opposite Peter there were the Criterion posters Our
Mr. Hepplewhite, and opposite Mr. Hepplewhite
Mlle. Delysia was swinging her name in mid-air to
entice the world into the Pavilion. Every kind of
shop crowded there round the Circus—barbers', and
watch-makers', and bag-makers', and hosiers', and jewellers',
and tobacconists', and restaurants, and tea-shops—there
they all were; and the omnibuses, like lumbering
mastodons or ichthyosauri, came tottering and tumbling
into the centre, finding their heavy, thick-headed way
out again as though they were blinded by this dazzling,
lighted world.
He was struck, as he watched, by the caution, the
hesitation, the apparent helplessness of all the world.
Londoners had always been represented as so self-confident,
self-assured, but if you watched to-night, it seemed
that everyone hesitated. Young men with their girls,
women with babies, men, boys; again and again Peter
saw in faces that same half-timid, half-friendly glance;
felt on every side of him a kindliness that was born of
a little terror, a little dread. There was some parallel
to the scene in his mind. He could not catch it, his
mind strove back. Suddenly, with the big form of a
policeman who stepped in front of him to control the
traffic, he knew of what it was that he was thinking.
Years ago, when he had first come up to London, he had
lived in a boarding-house, and there had been there
a large family of children with whom he had been very
friendly. The parents of the children had been poor,
but their single living-room had been a nursery of a
happy, discordant kind. Every sort of toy had found
its way in there, and Peter could see the half-dozen
children, now trembling, fighting, laughing, crying, the
mother watching them and guarding them.
The Circus was a nursery. The blue evening sky
was closed down, a radiant roof. Everywhere were
the toys. Now it seemed that balls were danced in the
air; now that someone sang or rang bells; now that
some new game was suddenly proposed and greeted
with a shout of joy. The children filled the Circus;
the policemen were toy policemen, the omnibuses toy
omnibuses, the theatres toy theatres.
On every side of him Peter felt the kindliness, the
helplessness, the pathos of his vision. They were children;
he was a child; the world was only a nursery,
after all. The sense of his earlier indignation had left
him. It seemed now that anger and condemnation,
whether of Robsart, or Temple and his friends, or of
himself, were absurd. They were all children together,
children in their ignorance, their helplessness, children
in their love for one another, their generosity, and their
hope.
For the first time in his life that sense of disappointment
that had been for so long a stumbling-block to all
his effort left him. He felt as though, like Pilgrim,
he had suddenly dropped his pack. Children in the
nursery—the lot of them. No place in this world for
high indignation, for bitterness, for denunciation.
The injustice, the ill-humour, the passions of life
were like the quarrels in children's play; the wisest man
alive knew just as much as his nursery-walls could show
him.
He laughed and turned homewards.
The new world? Perhaps. The progress of the
world? Perhaps. Meanwhile, there were nursery-tea,
a game of pirates, and a fairy-tale by the fire ... and
after it all, that sound, dreamless sleep that only children
know. Would one wake in the morning and find
that one was leaving the nursery for school? Who
could tell? No one returned with any story....
Meanwhile, there was enough to do to help in keeping
the nursery in order, in seeing that the weaker
babies were not trodden upon, in making sure that no
one cried himself to sleep.
Anger and condemnation would never be possible
again; no, nor would he expect the Millennium.
VI LUCY MOON
Lucy Moon was the daughter of the Reverend
Stephen Moon, Rector of Little Hawkesworth in
North Yorkshire. She was twenty-one years of age,
and pretty. She was so pretty indeed that she reminded
one young man in Hawkesworth of "a cornfield under
a red moon," and the Reverend Simon Laud, to whom
she was engaged, thought of her privately as his "golden
goddess," from which it will be seen that she had yellow
hair and a peach-like complexion.
She had lived always a very quiet and retired life,
the nearest to adventure being two or three expeditions
to Scarborough. She did not know, however, that her
life was retired. She was never dull. She had two
younger brothers, and was devoted to her father and
mother. She never questioned their authority. She
read the books that they advised, and wished to read
no others. The life that ebbed and flowed around the
rectory seemed to her a very exciting one, and it was
not until the Reverend Simon Laud, rector of a neighbouring
parish, proposed to her, and she found that
she accepted him, although she did not love him, that
she began to wonder, a little uncertainly, with a little
bewilderment, about herself. She had accepted him
because everyone had agreed that it was so obviously
the right thing for her to do. She had known him ever
since she could remember. He was older than she, and
kindly, although he had asthma and his knees cracked.
He had been rector of his parish for twenty years, and
everyone said that he was a very good man indeed. He
had a sense of humour too, and his Penny Readings
were the best in all North Yorkshire. It was not until
Simon had kissed her that Lucy wondered whether she
were doing right. She did not like him to kiss her.
His nose seemed so large when near to her, and his lips
tried to catch hers and hold them with a kind of sucking
motion that was quite distressing to her. She
looked ridiculously young when Mr. Laud proposed to
her, with her fair gold hair piled up in coils on the top
of her head, her cheeks crimsoned with her natural
agitation, and her young, childish body, like a boy's,
slender and strong under her pink cotton gown.
"My little girl!" Mr. Laud said, and kissed her
again. She went up to her room and cried for quite a
long time. Then, when she saw how happy her mother
was, she was happy too. Perhaps he would not want
to kiss her after they were married.
Then came the marvellous event. Her Aunt Harriet,
Mrs. Comstock, her mother's sister, and a rich widow,
asked her to come and stay with her for a month in
London. Mrs. Comstock was a good-natured, chattering
widow, fond of food and bright attire; Mrs. Moon
hesitated about committing Lucy to her care, but she
felt perhaps it would do the child no harm to give her
a peep at worldly ways, before the long black arms
of Simon Laud closed her in for ever. Lucy was terrified
and delighted both at once. It meant that she
would see London, where she had never in all her life
been. Even the war had not altered her. She had
worked in the village institute, knitted and sewed,
helped in the village concerts. The war had seemed
very remote to her. She had lost no one whom she
loved. She was vaguely distressed by it, as she might
have been by the news of an earthquake at Naples. The
Moon household believed in tranquillity. Mr. Moon
was engaged in a series of village addresses on "The
Nativity." The war, after all, he felt, "is probably a
blessing in disguise!"
So Lucy saw it. I think, as the day of her departure
drew near, that she had some slight premonition of
future events. The village, the fields, the lanes, the
church, were touched suddenly by some new and
pathetic splendour. The spring came late to Yorkshire
that year, and the lanes were coloured with a
faint shadow of purple behind the green, so light and
shining that it seemed to be glass in its texture. The
bright spaces of the moon were uncertain in their dim
shadows, and there were soft spongy marshes where
the frost had released the underground streams, and
long stretches of upland grass, grey-white beneath the
pale spring skies. Space was infinite. The village,
tucked under the rim of the moor with its grey church,
its wild, shaggy, tiny graveyard, its spreading village
street, was like a rough Yorkshire child huddling for
protection beneath its father's shoulder. This had
pathos and an appeal for love, and a cry of motherhood.
The clouds, carried by the fresh spring wind, raced
above the church steeple, swinging the young birds in
their flight, throwing joyfully, contemptuously, shadows
across the long street, shadows coloured and trembling
like banners.
Lucy had known these beauties all her life; now
they appealed to her with a new urgency. "When you
come back," they seemed to say to her, "we shall not
be the same. Now you are free as we. When you come
back you will be a prisoner."
It was strange to her, and horrible, that the thought
of her approaching marriage should haunt her as it
did. There were things about it that she had not
realised. She had not understood that her parents, the
village, her relations would all make so momentous
an affair of it. When Mr. Laud had proposed to her,
and she had accepted him, it had seemed to her a matter
simply between themselves. Now everyone had a
concern in it; everyone accepted it as so absolutely
settled. Did Lucy for a single instant contemplate the
breaking of an engagement she saw with an almost
agonised terror the whole village tumbling upon her
head. The very church steeple would fall down and
crush her. She was beginning too, to see her father
and mother now in a new light. They had always been
very sweet to her, and she had loved them dearly, but
they had been sweet to her, she could not help but see,
very largely because she had shown so absolute an obedience.
Her mind now would persistently return to
certain occasions in her young history when she had
hinted ever so slightly at having an opinion of her own.
Had that opinion been given a moment's opportunity?
Never. Never once.
Of her two parents, her father was perhaps the more
resolute. His mild, determined surprise at the
expression of an individual opinion was a terrible
thing to witness. He did wish not to be dogmatic with
her, but, after all, things were as they were. How could
bad be good or good bad? There you were. A thing
was either right, or it wasn't.... There you were.
And so around Lucy and her Simon a huge temple
was erected by the willing hands of her parents, relations,
and friends. There she was right inside with the
doors locked and the windows closed, and Simon with
his long black arms, his large nose, and his damp red
mouth waiting for her.
It was her own fault. There was nothing to be done.
It must not be supposed, however, that she was
unhappy when she set off on her London visit. She
was entirely resigned to the future; she loved her
mother and father and the village, and Mr. Laud had
been assigned to her by God. She would enjoy her
month, and then make the best of it. After all, he
would not want always to kiss her. She knew enough
about married life to be sure of that.
She went up to London with a neat black trunk, a
new hat with roses on it, and a little umbrella, green
and white, that her mother gave her.
Mrs. Comstock had a flat at Hortons, in Duke Street.
To Lucy Duke Street meant nothing. Jermyn Street
meant nothing. Even Piccadilly did not mean very
much. St. James's Palace, however, did mean a good
deal, and the first sight of that pearl-grey dignity and
beauty, with the round friendly clock, little clouds like
white pillows in the blue sky above, the sentry in his
box, the grace and courtesy of the Mall, these brought
a sob into her throat, and made her eyes dry and hot.
That sight of the palace gave her the setting for the
rest of the wonderful new world. Had Mrs. Comstock
allowed her, she would have spent the whole of her time
in those fascinating streets. Piccadilly frightened her
a little. The motor-omnibuses and cars rushed so
fiercely along, like pirates on a buccaneering expedition,
and everyone was so haughty, and the shops so grand.
But it never ceased to be marvellously romantic to
her that you could so swiftly slip through an alley and
be hushed at once with a lovely tranquillity, no sound
reaching you but the cry of the flower-man, the distant
honk of a taxicab, the bells of St. James's Church, the
distant boom of Westminster. All the shops in these
streets round Hortons seemed to her romantic fancy
to be coloured a rich old walnut. And against this
background there was every kind of treasure—prints of
coaches stuck deep in snowdrifts, of huntsmen leaping
over hedges, of fishermen wading deep in tranquil
rivers, of Oxford colleges and Westminster Abbey—all
these, printed in deep old rich colours, blue and red and
orange, colours so deep and rich that they seemed to
sink far down into the page. There were also the
jewels and china and boxes—old Toby jugs and delicate
cups and saucers, and amber-bead necklaces, and
Chinese gods, and cabinets of rich red lacquer. She
had a permanent picture of these treasures in the old
dark shops, and from the house's bachelors, young and
old, plain and handsome, but all beautifully dressed,
stepping in and out, going, she supposed, to their clubs
and dinners and games, carrying with them everywhere
that atmosphere of expensive cigars and perfectly-pressed
clothes and innumerable baths.
She gathered all this in the first day or two of her
stay, and it was as delightful and personal to her, as
though she herself had been God, and had created it all.
Hortons, in its own turn, was delighted with her.
It had never seen anything so fresh and charming in
all its long life. It had often received beautiful women
into its capacious heart, and it had known some very
handsome men, but Lucy was lovely. Mr. Nix, who
could be on occasions a poet, said of her that she made
him think of "strawberries and junket and his own self
at twenty." He did not say this to Mrs. Nix.
To Lucy, the only thing that was wrong with Hortons
was her aunt. She disliked Mrs. Comstock from
the very first moment. She did not like the way that
she was over-dressed, the way that she talked without
looking at you, the way that she spoke so crossly to her
maid, the way that she loved her food, the way that
she at once implied that it was wonderfully fortunate
for Lucy to have her to come to.
She discovered at once that her aunt was on the side
of her parents with regard to Mr. Simon Laud. Mrs.
Comstock's opinion was that Lucy might consider herself
very fortunate to have been selected by so good a
man, that she must do her best to deserve her good fortune,
because girls nowadays don't find it easy to pick
up men. Men know too much!
"To pick up men!" What a horrible phrase! And
Lucy had not picked up Simon Laud. She had been
picked up—really against her will. Lucy then discovered
that her Aunt Harriet—that is, Mrs. Comstock—had
invited her to London for this month in order
to have a companion. She had a paid companion—Miss
Flagstaff—but that unfortunate woman had at last been
allowed a holiday. Here was a whole month, then, and
what was poor Mrs. Comstock to do? Why, of course,
there was that niece up in Yorkshire. The very thing.
She would do admirably.
Lucy found that her first duty was to read every
morning the society papers. There was the Tatler with
Eve's letter. There was the Queen and the Lady's
Pictorial, and several other smaller ones. These papers
appeared once a week, and it was Lucy's duty to see
that they stretched out, two hours every morning, from
Saturday to Saturday.
Aunt Harriet had society at her fingers' ends, and
the swiftly succeeding marriages of Miss Elizabeth
Asquith, Miss Violet Keppel, and Lady Diana Manners
just about this time gave her a great deal to do. She
had a scrap-book into which she pasted photographs
and society clippings. She labelled this "Our leaders,"
and Lucy's morning labours were firmly linked to this
scrap-book. Once she pasted an impressionist portrait
of Miss Keppel upside-down into the book, and saw
for a full five minutes what Aunt Harriet was like
when she was really angry.
"I'd better go back to Hawkesworth!" Lucy cried,
more defiant than she would ever have suspected she
could be. However, this was not at all what Aunt
Harriet wanted; Lucy was making herself extremely
useful. Lucy did not want it either. So peace was
made. One result of this snipping up of society was
that Lucy began to be strangely conscious of the world
that was beating up around her.
A strange, queer, confused, dramatic world! For
positively the first time she was aware of some of the
things that the war had done, of what it had meant to
many people, of the chasms that it had made in relationships,
the ruins in homes, and also of the heroisms
that it had emphasised—and, beyond all these individual
things, she had a sense of a new world rising
painfully and slowly from the chaos of the old—but
rising! Yes, even through these ridiculous papers of
her aunt's, she could feel the first stirrings, the first
trumpetings to battle, voices sounding, only a little distance
from her, wonderful new messages of hope and
ambition.
This affected her; she began to wonder how she
could, through all these four years of war, have stayed
so quietly in her remote Hawkesworth. She began to
despise herself because she had stayed.
This excitement developed quickly into the same
kind of premonition that she had had before leaving
Hawkesworth. Something was about to happen to her!
What would it be? She awoke every morning with a
strange, burning excitement in her throat, a confused,
thick beating of the heart.
Meanwhile, her month was drawing to its close, the
days speeding on through a glittering pageant of wonderful
May weather, when the town sparkled and quivered
like a heap of quartz.
Simon Laud wrote that he was coming up to London
to fetch her, to take her back with him to Hawkesworth—"that
he could not wait any longer without seeing his
pet."
When Lucy read those words she was strangely tranquillised.
She did not know what it was that, during
these days, she had been wanting. What so strangely
had she been expecting? Whom?...
Her inexperience cried out to Simon Laud to come
and defend her. She had a time of true terror, frightened
by Aunt Harriet, by London, by strikes and wars
and turbulences, above all, by her own self, and by the
discontents and longings and desires to which some
influence seemed to be urging her.
She wrote her first loving letter to Simon. She told
him that she hoped that they would be married very
soon, and that indeed he was to come and fetch her.
It would be lovely to go back to Hawkesworth with
him. And when she had posted her letter, she sat on
her bed in her little room in Hortons with her face in
her hands and cried bitterly, desperately—why, she
did not know. Mrs. Comstock saw that she had been
crying, and was moved by the child-like simplicity and
innocence of "poor stupid Lucy," as she called her to
herself. She was moved to unusual generosity, and suggested
that they should go that night to a symphony
concert at the Queen's Hall—"Although they are going
to play Brahms, which I can't say that I approve of,
because he was surely a German, if anyone ever was,
and haven't we got plenty of good music of our own,
I wonder? Anyway, you needn't listen to the Brahms,
Lucy, if you don't want to. You won't understand
him, anyway. I expect he's one of the most difficult of
the composers, although he is dead."
Lucy paid small attention. She had been out only
twice with her aunt in the evening during her London
stay, once to a lecture on "Y.M.C.A. Work at the
Front," and once to a musical play, Monsieur Beaucaire.
She had liked the lecture, but she had adored
Beaucaire, and she thought that perhaps the Queen's
Hall would be something of the same kind.
She had never in all her life been to a "Symphony
Concert."
Aunt Harriet, armour-plated with jewellery, made an
exciting contrast with Lucy, whose blazing red-gold
hair, large, rather puzzled eyes, and plain white dress,
needed exotic surroundings to emphasise their true
colour.
"You look very pretty, dear," said Aunt Harriet,
who had made that evening a little money on the Stock
Exchange, and was happy accordingly, "and quite
excited, just as though you were expecting to see your
Simon."
"I wish he could have arrived to-night instead of
to-morrow," said Lucy.
But did she? As they drove through the streets
scattered with star-dust, watched by a crimson moon,
she sighed with that strange confusion of happiness
and unhappiness that seemed always to be hers now.
What was going to happen? Who was coming?...
Only Simon?
She felt a return of her earlier breathless excitement
as they pushed their way through the crowd in the lobby.
"Stalls this way.... Downstairs to the stalls." "To
your right, madam. Second on your right!" "Tickets,
please ... tickets, please!"
Mrs. Comstock was a redoubtable general on these
occasions, and pushed people aside with her sharp
elbows, and flashed indignant glances with her fine eyes,
and spread back her shoulders, and sparkled her
rings....
Lucy wished that her aunt would not figure so prominently.
She had perhaps never before disliked her so
thoroughly as she did to-night. Then, out of the confusion
and noise, there came peace. They were settling
down into their seats, and on every side of them
were space and light and colour, and a whispering
murmur like the distant echo of the sea on Scarborough
beach. Lucy was suddenly happy. Her eyes sparkled,
her heart beat high. She looked about her and was
pleasantly stirred by the size of the building. "Not so
large as the Albert Hall," she had heard someone say.
Why, then, how truly enormous the Albert Hall must
be—and she thought suddenly, with a little kindly contempt,
of Simon, and how very small he would seem
placed in the middle of the stalls all by himself.
The musicians began to file into their seats; the lights
turned up; the strangest discordances, like the voices
of spirits in a lost world, filled the air; everywhere
clumps of empty seats vanished ... people, people
from the ceiling to the floor.... A little man stepped
forward, stood upon his platform, bowed to the
applause, held with uplifted baton a moment's silence,
then released upon the air the accustomed harmonies
of Ruy Blas.
To Lucy, who knew so little of life, that flooding
melody of sound was the loveliest discovery. She sat
back very straight, eyes staring, drinking it in, forgetting
at once the lighted hall, her aunt, everything.
Only Simon Laud persisted with her. It seemed as
though to-night his figure refused to leave her.
He did not—oh! how instantly she knew it—fit in
at all with the music. It was as though he were trying
to draw her away from it, trying to persuade her that
she did not really like it. He was interfering with her
happiness, buzzing at her ear like an insect. She shook
her head as though to drive this something away, and,
even as she did so, she was aware that something else
was happening to her.
Someone was looking at her. She felt a truly desperate
impatience at this second interruption. Someone
was trying to force her to turn her head—yes, to the
right. She was looking straight in front of her, down
to where the hard, thick back of the little conductor
seemed to centralise into itself, and again to distribute
all the separate streams of the music. Lucy was staring
at that back as though her maintaining her connection
with it was her only link with the music. How tiresome
that she should not be allowed to concentrate on
her happiness! She violently dismissed the shadowy
Simon; but he was there, just behind her left shoulder.
Then, with another effort of will, she forced away from
her that attraction on the right. She would not look!
In all probability, it was imagination. She had known
in Hawkesworth, in church, at the Penny Readings,
that sensation that people were staring at her; simply
her self-consciousness. She drove it off; it came closer
to her. It was as though a voice were saying in her ear:
"You shall look to the right.... You shall look to
the right...."
"I won't!... I won't!" she replied, setting her
teeth. Then, to her own pain and distress, she began
to blush. She had always detested her inevitable blushing,
despised herself for her weakness; she could not
fight it; it was stronger than she. Surely all the hall
was looking at her. She felt as though soon she would
be forced to run away and hide in the comforting darkness
of the street.
The music ceased; the little man was bowing; the
tension was lifted; everywhere a buzz of talk rose, as
though everyone for the last ten minutes had been hidden
beneath a glass cover that was suddenly raised.
Late comers, with anxious glances, peered about for
their seats. Lucy turned around.
She saw at once that indeed it was true that someone
had been staring at her. Someone was staring at her
now. She stared in return. She knew that she should
not. Her mother had always taught her that to stare at
a stranger was almost the worst thing that you could do.
Nevertheless, Lucy glanced. She could not help herself.
He was looking at her as though he knew her.
When she looked in her turn the start that he gave, the
way that a half-smile hovered about his lips, was almost
an acknowledgment of recognition. And had she not
known him before? He seemed so familiar to her—and
yet, of course, he could not be. The conviction that she
had been staring suddenly overwhelmed her with shame,
and she turned away. But now he was impressed upon
her brain as though she were looking at a picture of
him—his large, rather ugly, but extremely good-humoured
face, his fair, rather untidy hair, his fair
eyebrows, his short, closely-clipped moustache, his black
dinner-jacket, and black bow tie—above all, that charming,
doubtful, half-questioning smile.
But why, if they had never met before, did he stare
like that? Why did ...?
The applause had broken out again. A tall man holding
a violin was bowing. The Brahms violin concerto
began.
She sat there in a puzzled and bewildered state. What
had happened to her? Who had come to her, lifting
her, it seemed, out of her own body, transforming her
into some other creature? Was she feeling this merely
because a man had stared at her? She felt, as she sat
there, the blush still tingling in her cheeks, as though
some precious part of her that had left her many years
ago had now suddenly returned to her.
She was Lucy Moon, the whole, complete Lucy
Moon, for the first time....
The first movement of the symphony ended. She
looked at once to her right. His eyes were resting on
her. She smiled.
How could she? Did she not know, had she not been
told ever since she could remember, that the most terrible
thing that a girl could do was to smile at a stranger?
But he was not a stranger. She knew everything
about him. She knew, although she had never heard
him speak, just what the tone of his voice would be,
rough, a little Scotch, and north country mixed ...
not many words; he would be shy and would stammer a
little. At the end of the second movement she smiled
again. He smiled back and raised his eyebrows in a
laughing question.
At the end of the symphony the air crackled with
applause. The violinist returned again and again, bowing.
He seemed so small, and his magnificent evening
dress did not suit him. Evening dress, did not suit
Simon either. The applause died away. The orchestra
disappeared through the back of the hall.
"So hot," said Aunt Comstock, whom, until now,
Lucy had utterly forgotten. "A breath of air outside...."
They went into the passage. People were walking
up and down. They halted beside a swaying door.
Mrs. Comstock stood there, her purple bosom heaving
up and down. "No air.... Can't think why they
don't...."
Her fine eyes flashed. She had seen Mrs. Norris.
Are not those things arranged by God? Mrs. Norris,
whom she had not seen for so many months. Are not
these things arranged by God? Lucy's friend was at
her elbow. He was as she had known that he would be;
kind-eyed, clumsy perhaps, his voice rough and hesitating.... He
was alone. He stood turned a little
away from her, and she, as though she had been practising
these arts all her life, looked at the pea-green
Mrs. Norris, and the pearls that danced on her bony
neck. The voices crept towards one another. No one
would have known that Lucy's mouth moved at all.
"Can't we get away somewhere?"
"I'm with my aunt."
"I must see you."
"Yes."
"I must."
"I'm with my——"
"I know."
"Perhaps at the end——"
"No, give me somewhere to write to."
"It's——"
Aunt Comstock's voice came sailing like a pirate's
ship.
"Amy, this is my niece, Lucy."
"How do you do? Are you enjoying London, dear?"
He was gone. Oh, he was gone! And no address.
She could have slain those two women, one so fat,
and one so thin—willingly, stabbed them. Perhaps she
would lose him now.
They returned. "Something of Bizet's. He was
French, Lucy. French or a Spaniard.... Fancy
Amy Norris—lost her looks, poor dear. Ah! I shall
like this. Better than that German."
Lucy heard no more music. Her heart beat in her
throat, choking it. Life had rushed towards her and
filled her, or was it that she had entered into life? She
did not know. She only felt intensely proud, like a
queen entering her capital for the first time.... The
concert was over. Her aunt was a long time putting on
her cloak; people stood in their way, stupid, heavy,
idiotic people. When they came into the hall he was
not there.... Yes ... he was close to them. For
a moment, in the thick crowd, he caught her hand. At
the touch of his fingers, rough and strong, upon hers,
she seemed to soar above the crowd and to look down
upon them all with scornful happiness. He said something
that she could not catch, and then Aunt Comstock
had hatefully enveloped her. They were in a
taxi, and all the world that had been roaring around
her was suddenly hushed. They reached Hortons.
Lucy drank her hot milk. Her aunt said:
"I do hope you enjoyed your concert, darling....
The Bizet was best."
She had undressed, and was lying on her bed, flat
on her back, staring up at the white ceiling, upon whose
surface circles, flung from the lights beyond the window,
ran and quivered. She watched the circles, but she was
not thinking at all. She seemed to be lapped about by a
sea of warm happiness. She floated on this; she neither
slept nor thought. Early in the morning she sank into
dreamless slumber.
She came down to breakfast tired with happy weariness.
She found Simon Laud waiting for her. She
stared at him at first as though she had never seen him
before. He was not looking his best. He explained
that he had caught the night train at York. He was
afraid that he had not shaved nor washed, but that
Mrs. Comstock had kindly said: "Have your breakfast
first ... with us. Lucy has just been longing
for you."
Lucy took all this in at last. She saw the bright
little room with the sun pouring in, the breakfast
things with the silver tea-pot and the porridge, and
Aunt Comstock in her pink tea-gown. She saw these
things, and then Simon Laud took a step towards her.
"Dear Lucy!" he said. That step showed her that
there was no time to be lost. Simon Laud must never
touch her again. Never!
"Simon, I wasn't expecting you. But it's just as
well, really. It will get it over more quickly. I must
tell you at once that I can't marry you!"
Her first feeling after her little speech, which seemed
in a strange way not to have been made by herself at
all, was that it was a great shame to say such a thing
to him when he was looking so dirty and so unwashed.
She broke out with a little cry:
"Oh, Simon, I'm sorry!"
"Lucy!" she heard Aunt Comstock exclaim.
Mr. Laud had no words. He looked truly pitiful as
his long, rather dirty fingers sought the tablecloth.
Then he laughed.
"Why, Lucy, dear," he said. "What do you mean?"
"I mean just what I've said," she answered. "We
mustn't marry. It would be wicked, because I don't
love you. I knew from the first that I didn't, but I had
had no experience. I thought you must all know better.
I don't love you, and I never, never will."
"Lucy!" Aunt Comstock had risen. Lucy had the
odd feeling that her aunt had known that this moment
would come, and had been waiting with eager anticipation
for it. "Do you know what you've said? But
you can't know. You're out of your mind, you wicked
girl. Here's Mr. Laud come all the way from Yorkshire,
by night too, just to be with you for a day or two,
and you receive him like this. Why, it was only last
night that you told me that you wished he would come—and
now! You must be out of your mind!"
"I'm not out of my mind," said Lucy, "and I'm sure
Simon wouldn't wish me to marry him if I didn't love
him."
"Did she really say that last night, Mrs. Comstock?"
said Mr. Laud.
"Indeed she did."
"Only last night?"
"Only last night."
"Ah well, then," he heaved a sigh of relief, "it's all
right! I surprised her this morning. I was too sudden.
I frightened you, Lucy darling. Have some
breakfast, and you'll feel quite differently."
"She'd better feel differently," said Mrs. Comstock,
now trembling with happy temper. "I don't know
what she's said this mad thing for, I'm sure, Mr. Laud,
considering how she's been talking about you and wanting
you all this month; but a little consideration will
soon teach her."
"Do you know, Lucy, what they say of girls who try
to behave as you're behaving? Do you know the name
the world has for what you're doing? Have you thought
for a moment of your father and mother, and what
they'll say?"
"No, I haven't," said Lucy. "But no thinking will
make any difference. Nothing will."
Nevertheless, there did flash through her mind then
a picture of what would happen at Hawkesworth. She
had not thought of Hawkesworth; she saw now the
straggling street, the church, the high downs; she saw
the people who had known her since she was a baby, she
saw her parents and relations. Yes, there would be a
bad time to go through. And for what? Because for
a moment a man whom she did not know, a man whom
she would never see again, had taken her hand in his!
Perhaps she was mad. She did not know. She only
knew that she would never marry Simon Laud.
"Oh, Simon, I'm so sorry! I know I'm behaving
very badly. But it's better to behave like that now
than for us to be unhappy always."
He smiled at her with confidence.
"It's quite all right, Lucy, dear. I understand perfectly.
You'll feel quite differently very soon. I surprised
you. I shouldn't have done it, but I was so
anxious to see you—a lover's privilege."
"Now," he ended with that happy optimistic air that
he had developed so happily in the pulpit, "let us all
have breakfast, shall we?"
Lucy shook her head, and then turned and went back
to her room.
A strange day followed. She sat there until luncheon,
alone, hearing the soft buzz of the traffic below her
window, interrupted once by the maid, who, after her
permission had been given, moved softly about the
room, setting it to rights. It was not quite true, that
she was thinking during that time—it could scarcely
be called thought—it was rather that a succession of
pictures passed before her brain—her parents in every
attitude of alarm and remonstrance and command, the
village and its gossips, long long imprisonment beneath
those high downs, and finally her parents again. How
strange it was that last night's little incident should
have illuminated everything in her life, and nothing
more surely than her father and mother! How queer
that a strange young man, with whom in all her life
she had exchanged only one or two words, should have
told her more of her own people than all her living with
them could!
She faced her people for the first time—she knew
them to be hard, narrow, provincial, selfish, intolerant.
She loved them just as she had done before, because with
those other qualities, they were also tender, compassionate,
loving, unselfish.
But she saw now quite clearly what living with them
would be.
She intended to ruin the peace and prosperity of her
future life because she had met a stranger (for a second)
whom she would never see again! That was the
truth.... She accepted it without a tremor.
It was also true that that stranger, by meeting her,
had made her live for the first time.
Better live uncomfortably than merely pretend to
live, or to think you loved when you did not. Why,
now she thought of it, nearly everyone in the world
was dead!
She was summoned to luncheon. It amused, and at
the same time touched her, to see how Aunt Comstock
and Simon covered up the morning's mistake with a
cheerful pretence that it had never occurred.
Luncheon was all chatter—musical chatter, clerical
chatter ... hearty laughter. Lucy submitted to
everything. She submitted to an afternoon drive.
It was during the drive that she learned that on the
very next morning, by the 10:15 train, Simon would
lead her back to Hawkesworth. When she heard that her
heart gave a wild leap of rebellion. She looked desperately
about her. Could she not escape from the carriage,
run and run until the distant streets hid her? She had
no money; she had nothing. If only she could remain
a few days longer in London she felt that she would be
sure to meet her friend again. Maddening to be so
near and then to miss! She thought of bursting out
into some wild protest—one glance at their faces
showed her how hopeless that would be! Hawkesworth!
Prison!
Then she felt her new life and vitality glow and
sparkle in her veins. After all, Hawkesworth was not
the end. The end! No, the beginning....
That night they were, oh! so kind to her!—laughing,
granting her anything that she might ask—oh! so
tactful!
"Poor Lucy," she could hear them say, "she had a
fit of hysteria this morning. This London has been bad
for her. She mustn't come here again—never again!"
In the morning the taxi was there, the bags were
packed.
In the pretty green and white hall with the grandfather's
clock, when Lucy tipped Fanny, the Portress,
she whispered to her, "I'm coming back. They don't
think I am—but I know I am. And if anyone—anyone—should
ask for me, describe me, you know, so that you
are sure it's me, write to me at this address."
Fanny smiled and nodded. "Now, Lucy, dear," cried
Aunt Comstock, "the cab's waiting."
She was sitting in it opposite to Simon, who looked
clean, but ridiculous on one of these uncomfortable
third-party seats. They started up Duke Street, and
turned into Piccadilly.
"I do hope you'll have a nice journey, Lucy. It's a
fine day, and I've got some chocolate...."
Are not these things arranged by God?
The cab was stopped by traffic just close to St.
James's Church. Lucy, truly captured now like a
mouse in a trap, glanced with a last wild look through
the windows. A moment later she had tumbled over
Simon's knees and burst open the door. She was in the
street. As she ran she was conscious of whistles sounding,
boys calling, the green trees of St. James's blowing.
She had touched him on the arm.
"I saw you.... I couldn't help it.... I had to
speak...." She was out of breath. When he turned
and the light of recognition flamed into his eyes, she
could have died with happiness. He caught her hand.
He stammered with joy.
"Everywhere," he said, "I've been looking ...
hoping ... I've walked about.... I've never thought
of anything else...."
"Quick," she said. "I've no time. They're in the
cab there. It's our last chance. Can you remember
this without writing it down?"
"Yes."
"Well—Lucy Moon, The Rectory, Hawkesworth, N.
Yorkshire. KES ... Yes.... Write at once...."
Even in her agitation she noticed the strength and
confidence of his smile.
"I'll write to-day," he assured her. "You're not
married?"
"No. It's Miss."
"I'm not either." He caught her hand. "I'll find
you before the week's out."
She fled. She was in the cab. Aunt Comstock and
Simon regarded her with terrified eyes.
"Lucy, dear—How could you? What were you
about? The train...."
"Oh, it was a friend! I had to say good-bye. He
didn't know I was going so soon."
She felt that her happiness would stifle her. She
flung open the other window. She looked at them both
and felt the tenderest pity because they seemed so old,
so cross, so dead.
She bent over and kissed her aunt.
"Here we are," said that lady, with an air of intense
relief. "Now you'll be all right, Lucy darling. You'll
just have Mr. Laud to look after you."
"Yes!" cried Lucy. "Now I'm all right.... Come
along, Simon, or we'll miss the train."
VII MRS. PORTER AND MISS ALLEN
One of the largest flats on the fourth floor of
Hortons was taken in March, 1919, by a Mrs.
Porter, a widow. The flat was seen, and all business in
connection with it was done, by a Miss Allen, her lady
companion. Mr. Nix, who considered himself a sound
and trenchant judge of human nature, liked Miss Allen
from the first; and then when he saw Mrs. Porter he
liked her too. These were just the tenants for Hortons—modest,
gentle ladies with ample means and no
extravagant demands on human nature. Mrs. Porter
was one of those old ladies, now, alas, in our turbulent
times, less and less easy to discover—"something
straight out of a book," Mr. Nix called her. She was
little and fragile, dressed in silver grey, forehead puckered
a little with a sort of anticipation of being a trial
to others, her voice cultured, soft, a little remote like
the chime of a distant clock. She moved with gestures
a little deprecatory, a little resigned, extremely modest—she
would not disturb anyone for the world....
Miss Allen was, of course, another type—a woman
of perhaps forty years of age, refined, quiet, efficient,
her dark hair, turning now a little grey, waved decorously
from her high white forehead, pince-nez, eyes of
a grave, considering brown, a woman resigned, after, it
might be, abandoning young ambitions for a place of
modest and decent labour in the world—one might still
see, in the rather humorous smile that she bestowed once
and again upon men and things, the hint of defiance at
the necessity that forced abnegation.
Miss Allen had not been in Mrs. Porter's service for
very long. Wearied with the exactions of a family of
children whose idle and uninspiring intelligences she
was attempting to governess, she answered, at the end
of 1918, an advertisement in the "Agony" column of
The Times, that led her to Mrs. Porter. She loved Mrs.
Porter at first sight.
"Why, she's a dear old lady," she exclaimed to her
ironic spirit—"dear old ladies" being in those days as
rare as crinolines. She was of the kind for which Miss
Allen had unconsciously been looking: generous, gentle,
refined, and intelligent. Moreover, she had, within the
last six months, been left quite alone in the world—Mr.
Porter had died of apoplexy in August, 1918. He had
left her very wealthy, and Miss Allen discovered
quickly in the old lady a rather surprising desire to see
and enjoy life—surprising, because old ladies of
seventy-one years of age and of Mrs. Porter's gentle
appearance do not, as a rule, care for noise and bustle
and the buzz of youthful energy.
"I want to be in the very middle of things, dear
Miss Allen," said Mrs. Porter, "right in the very middle.
We lived at Wimbledon long enough, Henry and
I—it wasn't good for either of us. Find me somewhere
within two minutes of all the best theatres."
Miss Allen found Hortons, which is, as everyone
knows, in Duke Street, just behind Piccadilly and
Fortnum and Mason's, and Hatchard's and the Hammam
Turkish Baths and the Royal Academy and
Scott's hat-shop and Jackson's Jams—how could you
be more perfectly in the centre of London?
Then Miss Allen discovered a curious thing—namely,
that Mrs. Porter did not wish to keep a single piece,
fragment, or vestige of her Wimbledon effects. She
insisted on an auction—everything was sold. Miss
Allen attempted a remonstrance—some of the things in
the Wimbledon house were very fine, handsome, solid
mid-Victorian sideboards and cupboards, and chairs and
tables.
"You really have no idea, Mrs. Porter," said Miss
Allen, "of the cost of furniture these days. It is quite
terrible; you will naturally get a wonderful price for
your things, but the difficulty of buying——"
Mrs. Porter was determined. She nodded her bright
bird-like head, tapped with her delicate fingers on the
table and smiled at Miss Allen.
"If you don't mind, dear. I know it's tiresome for
you, but I have my reasons." It was not tiresome at all
for Miss Allen; she loved to buy pretty new things at
someone else's expense, but it was now, for the first
time, that she began to wonder how dearly Mrs.
Porter had loved her husband.
Through the following weeks this became her principal
preoccupation—Mr. Henry Porter. She could
not have explained to herself why this was. She was
not, by nature, an inquisitive and scandal-loving woman,
nor was she unusually imaginative. People did not,
as a rule, occur to her as existing unless she saw them
physically there in front of her. Nevertheless she spent
a good deal of her time in considering Mr. Porter.
She was able to make the Horton flat very agreeable.
Mrs. Porter wanted "life and colour," so the sitting-room
had curtains with pink roses and a bright yellow
cage with two canaries, and several pretty water-colours,
and a handsome fire-screen with golden peacocks,
and a deep Turkish carpet, soft and luxurious to
the feet. Not one thing from the Wimbledon house
was there, not any single picture of Mr. Porter. The
next thing that Miss Allen discovered was that Mrs.
Porter was nervous.
Although Hortons sheltered many human beings
within its boundaries, it was, owing to the thickness
of its walls and the beautiful training of Mr. Nix's
servants, a very quiet place. It had been even called
in its day "cloistral." It simply shared with London
that amazing and never-to-be-overlauded gift of being
able to offer, in the very centre of the traffic of the
world, little green spots of quiet and tranquillity. It
seemed, after a week or two, that it was almost too
quiet for Mrs. Porter.
"Open a window, Lucy dear, won't you," she said.
"I like to hear the omnibuses."
It was a chill evening in early April, but Miss Allen
threw up the window. They sat there listening. There
was no sound, only suddenly, as though to accentuate
the silence, St. James's Church clock struck the quarter.
Then an omnibus rumbled, rattled, and was gone.
The room was more silent than before.
"Shall I read to you?" said Miss Allen.
"Yes, dear, do." And they settled down to Martin
Chuzzlewit.
Mrs. Porter's apprehensiveness became more and
more evident. She was so dear an old lady, and had
won so completely Miss Allen's heart, that that kindly
woman could not bear to see her suffer. For the first
time in her life she wanted to ask questions. It seemed
to her that there must be some very strange reason for
Mrs. Porter's silences. She was not by nature a silent
old lady; she talked continually, seemed, indeed, positively
to detest the urgency of silence. She especially
loved to tell Miss Allen about her early days. She had
grown up as a girl in Plymouth, and she could remember
all the events of that time—the balls, the walks on
the Hoe, the shops, the summer visits into Glebeshire,
the old dark house with the high garden walls, the
cuckoo clock and the pictures of the strange old ships
in which her father, who was a retired sea-captain, had
sailed. She could not tell Miss Allen enough about
these things, but so soon as she arrived at her engagement
to Mr. Porter there was silence. London
shrouded her married life with its thick, grey pall.
She hated that Miss Allen should leave her. She was
very generous about Miss Allen's freedom, always begging
her to take an afternoon or evening and amuse
herself with her own friends; but Miss Allen had very
few friends, and on her return from an expedition she
always found the old lady miserable, frightened, and
bewildered. She found that she loved her, that she
cared for her as she had cared for no human being
for many years, so she stayed with her and read to her
and talked to her, and saw less and less of the outside
world.
The two ladies made occasionally an expedition to
a theatre or a concert, but these adventures, although
they were anticipated with eagerness and pleasure,
were always in the event disappointing. Mrs. Porter
loved the theatre—especially did she adore plays of
sentiment—plays where young people were happily
united—where old people sat cosily together reminiscing
over a blazing fire, where surly guardians were
suddenly generous, and poor orphan girls were unexpectedly
given fortunes.
Mrs. Porter started her evening with eager excitement.
She dressed for the occasion, putting on her
best lace cap, her cameo brooch, her smartest shoes. A
taxi came for them, and they always had the best stalls,
near the front, so that the old lady should not miss a
word. Miss Allen noticed, however, that very quickly
Mrs. Porter began to be disturbed. She would glance
around the theatre and soon her colour would fade, her
hands begin to tremble; then, perhaps at the end of
the first act, perhaps later, a little hand would press
Miss Allen's arm:
"I think, dear, if you don't mind—I'm tired—shall
we not go?"
After a little while Miss Allen suggested the Cinema.
Mrs. Porter received the idea with eagerness. They
went to the West-End house, and the first occasion was
a triumphant success. How Mrs. Porter loved it!
Just the kind of a story for her—Mary Pickford in
Daddy Long Legs. To tell the truth, Mrs. Porter cried
her eyes out. She swore that she had never in her life
enjoyed anything so much. And the music! How
beautiful! How restful! They would go every
week....
The second occasion was, unfortunately, disastrous.
The story was one of modern life, a woman persecuted
by her husband, driven by his brutality into the arms
of her lover. The husband was the customary cinema
villain—broad, stout, sneering, and over-dressed. Mrs.
Porter fainted and had to be carried out by two attendants.
A doctor came to see her, said that she was
suffering from nervous exhaustion and must be protected
from all excitement.... The two ladies sat now every
evening in their pretty sitting-room, and Miss Allen
read aloud the novels of Dickens one after the other.
More and more persistently, in spite of herself, did
curiosity about the late Mr. Porter drive itself in upon
Miss Allen. She told herself that curiosity itself was
vulgar and unworthy of the philosophy that she had
created for herself out of life. Nevertheless it persisted.
Soon she felt that, after all, it was justified.
Were she to help this poor old lady to whom she was
now most deeply attached, she must know more. She
could not give her any real help unless she might gauge
more accurately her trouble—but she was a shy woman,
shy, especially, of forcing personal confidences. She
hesitated; then she was aware that a barrier was being
created between them. The evening had many silences,
and Miss Allen detected many strange, surreptitious
glances thrown at her by the old lady. The situation
was impossible. One night she asked her a question.
"Dear Mrs. Porter," she said, her heart beating
strangely as she spoke, "I do hope that you will not
think me impertinent, but you have been so good to me
that you have made me love you. You are suffering,
and I cannot bear to see you unhappy. I want, oh, so
eagerly, to help you! Is there nothing I can do?"
Mrs. Porter said nothing. Her hands quivered; then
a tear stole down her cheek. Miss Allen went over to
her, sat down beside her and took her hand.
"You must let me help you," she said. "Dismiss
me if I am asking you questions that I should not. But
I would rather leave you altogether, happy though I
am with you, than see you so miserable. Tell me what
I can do."
"You can do nothing, Lucy dear," said the old lady.
"But I must be able to do something. You are keeping
from me some secret——"
Mrs. Porter shook her head....
It was one evening in early May that Miss Allen was
suddenly conscious that there was something wrong
with the pretty little sitting-room, and it was shortly
after her first consciousness of this that poor old Mrs.
Porter revealed her secret. Miss Allen, looking up for
a moment, fancied that the little white marble clock
on the mantelpiece had ceased to tick.
She looked across the room, and for a strange
moment fancied that she could see neither the clock
nor the mantelpiece—a grey dimness filled her sight.
She shook herself, glanced down at her hands, looked up
for reassurance, and found Mrs. Porter, with wide,
terrified eyes, staring at her, her hands trembling
against the wood of the table.
"What is it, Lucy?"
"Nothing, Mrs. Porter."
"Did you see something?"
"No, dear."
"Oh, I thought ... I thought...." Suddenly the
old lady, with a fierce impetuous movement, pushed the
table away from her. She got up, staggered for a
moment on her feet, then tumbled to the pink sofa,
cowering there, huddled, her sharp, fingers pressing
against her face.
"Oh, I can't bear it.... I can't bear it.... I
can't bear it any more! He's coming. He's coming.
Oh, what shall I do? What shall I do?"
Miss Allen, feeling nothing but love and affection for
her friend, but realising strangely too the dim and
muted attention of the room, knelt down beside the sofa
and put her strong arms around the trembling, fragile
body.
"What is it? Dear, dear Mrs. Porter. What is it?
Who is coming? Of whom are you afraid?"
"Henry's coming! Henry, who hated me. He's
coming to carry me away!"
"But Mr. Porter's dead!"
"Yes...." The little voice was now the merest
whisper. "But he'll come all the same.... He
always does what he says!"
The two women waited, listening. Miss Allen could
hear the old lady's heart thumping and leaping close
to her own. Through the opened windows came the
sibilant rumble of the motor-buses. Then Mrs. Porter
gently pushed Miss Allen away. "Sit on a chair, Lucy
dear. I must tell you everything. I must share this
with someone."
She seemed to have regained some of her calmness.
She sat straight up upon the sofa, patting her lace cap
with her hands, feeling for the cameo brooch at her
breast. Miss Allen drew a chair close to the sofa; turning
again towards the mantelpiece, she saw that it
stood out boldly and clearly; the tick of the clock came
across to her with almost startling urgency.
"Now, dear Mrs. Porter, what is it that is alarming
you?" she said.
Mrs. Porter cleared her throat. "You know, Lucy,
that I was married a great many years ago. I was
only a very young girl at the time, very ignorant of
course, and you can understand, my dear, that my
father and mother influenced me very deeply. They
liked Mr. Porter. They thought that he would make
me a good husband and that I should be very happy....
I was not happy, Lucy dear, never from the very
first moment!"
Here Mrs. Porter put out her hand and took Miss
Allen's strong one. "I am very willing to believe that
much of the unhappiness was due to myself. I was a
young, foolish girl; I was disturbed from the very
first by the stories that Mr. Porter told me, and the
pictures he showed me. I was foolish about those
things. He saw that they shocked me, and I think that
that amused him. From the first it delighted him to
tease me. Then—soon—he tired of me. He had mistresses.
He brought them to our house. He insulted
me in every way possible. I had years of that misery.
God only knows how I lived through it. It became a
habit with him to frighten and shock me. It was a
game that he loved to play. I think he wanted to see
how far I would go. But I was patient through all
those many years. Oh! so patient! It was weak, perhaps,
but there seemed nothing else for me to be."
"The last twenty years of our married life he hated
me most bitterly. He said that I had scorned him,
that I had not given him children, that I had wasted
his money—a thousand different things! He tortured
me, frightened me, disgusted me, but it never seemed
to be enough for him, for the vengeance he felt I
deserved. Then one day he discovered that he had a
weak heart—a doctor frightened him. He saw perhaps
for a moment in my eyes my consciousness of my possible
freedom. He took my arm and shook me, bent
his face close to mine, and said: 'Ah, you think that
after I'm dead you will be free. You are wrong. I
will leave you everything that I possess, and then—just
as you begin to enjoy it—I will come and fetch you!'
What a thing to say, Lucy, dear! He was mad, and so
was I to listen to him. All those years of married life
together had perhaps turned both our brains. Six
months later he fell down in the street dead. They
brought him home, and all that summer afternoon, my
dear, I sat beside him in the bedroom, he all dressed in
his best clothes and his patent leather shoes, and the
band playing in the Square outside. Oh! he was dead,
Lucy dear, he was indeed. For a week or two I
thought that he was gone altogether. I was happy and
free. Then—oh, I don't know—I began to imagine ... to fancy.... I
moved from Wimbledon. I
advertised for someone, and you came. We moved
here.... It ought to be ... it is ... it must be
all right, Lucy dear; hold me, hold me tight! Don't
let me go! He can't come back! He can't, he can't!"
She broke into passionate sobbing, cowering back on
to the sofa as she had done before. The two women
sat there, comforting one another. Miss Allen gathered
the frail, trembling little body into her arms, and
like a mother with her child, soothed it.
But, as she sat there, she realised with a chill shudder
of alarm that moment, a quarter of an hour before,
when the room had been dimmed and the clock stilled.
Had that been fancy? Had some of Mrs. Porter's
terror seized her in sympathy? Were they simply
two lonely women whose nerves were jagged by the
quiet monotony and seclusion of their lives? Why
was it that from the first she, so unimaginative and
definite, should have been disturbed by the thought of
Mr. Porter? Why was it that even now she longed to
know more surely about him, his face, his clothes, his
height ... everything.
"You must go to bed, dear. You are tired out.
Your nerves have never recovered from the time of
Mr. Porter's death. That's what it is.... You must
go to bed, dear."
Mrs. Porter went. She seemed to be relieved by her
outburst. She felt perhaps now less lonely. It seemed,
too, that she had less to fear now that she had betrayed
her ghost into sunlight. She slept better that night
than she had done for a long time past. Miss Allen
sat beside the bed staring into the darkness, thinking....
For a week after this they were happy. Mrs. Porter
was in high spirits. They went to the Coliseum and
heard Miss Florence Smithson sing "Roses of Picardy,"
and in the Cinema they were delighted with the charm
and simplicity of Alma Taylor. Mrs. Porter lost her
heart to Alma Taylor. "That's a sweet girl," she said.
"I would like to meet her. I'm sure she's good." "I'm
sure she is," said Miss Allen. Mrs. Porter made friends
in the flat. Mr. Nix met them one day at the bottom
of the lift and talked to them so pleasantly. "What
a gentleman!" said Mrs. Porter afterwards as she took
off her bonnet.
Then one evening Miss Allen came into the sitting-room
and stopped dead, frozen rigid on the threshold.
Someone was in the room. She did not at first think of
Mr. Porter. She was only sure that someone was
there. Mrs. Porter was in her bedroom changing her
dress.
Miss Allen said, "Who's there?" She walked forward.
The dim evening saffron light powdered the
walls with trembling colour. The canaries twittered,
the clock ticked; no one was there. After that instant
of horror she was to know no relief. It was as though
that spoken "Who's there?" had admitted her into the
open acceptance of a fact that she ought for ever to have
denied.
She was a woman of common sense, of rational
thought, scornful of superstition and sentiment. She
realised now that there was something quite definite for
her to fight, something as definite as disease, as pain,
as poverty and hunger. She realised too that she was
there to protect Mrs. Porter from everything—yes, from
everything and everybody!
Her first thought was to escape from the flat, and
especially from everything in the flat—from the pink
sofa, the gate-legged table, the bird-cage and the clock.
She saw then that, if she yielded to this desire, they
would be driven, the two of them, into perpetual flight,
and that the very necessity of escaping would only
admit the more the conviction of defeat. No, they
must stay where they were; that place was their battle-ground.
She determined, too, that Mr. Porter's name should
not be mentioned between them again. Mrs. Porter
must be assured that she had forgotten his very existence.
Soon she arrived at an exact knowledge of the arrival
of these "attacks," as she called them. That month of
May gave them wonderful weather. The evenings were
so beautiful that they sat always with the windows open
behind them, and the dim colour of the night-glow softened
the lamplight and brought with it scents and
breezes and a happy murmurous undertone. She
received again and again in these May evenings that
earlier impression of someone's entrance into the room.
It came to her, as she sat with her back to the fireplace,
with the conviction that a pair of eyes were
staring at her. Those eyes willed her to him, and she
would not; but soon she seemed to know them, cold,
hard, and separated from her, she fancied, by glasses.
They seemed, too, to bend down upon her from a
height. She was desperately conscious at these moments
of Mrs. Porter. Was the old lady also aware?
She could not tell. Mrs. Porter still cast at her those
odd, furtive glances, as though to see whether she suspected
anything, but she never looked at the fireplace
nor started as though the door was suddenly opened.
There were times when Miss Allen, relaxing her
self-control, admitted without hesitation that someone
was in the room. He was tall, wore spectacles behind
which he scornfully peered. She challenged him to pass
her guard and even felt the stiff pride of a victorious
battle. They were fighting for the old lady, and she was
winning....
At all other moments she scorned herself for this
weakness. Mrs. Porter's nerves had affected her own.
She had not believed that she could be so weak. Then,
suddenly, one evening Mrs. Porter dropped her cards,
crumpled down into her chair, screamed, "No, no ...
Lucy!... Lucy! He's here!..."
She was strangely, at the moment of that cry, aware
of no presence in the room. It was only when she had
gathered her friend into her arms, persuading her that
there was nothing, loving her, petting her, that she was
conscious of the dimming of the light, the stealthy withdrawal
of sound. She was facing the fireplace; before
the mantelpiece there seemed to her to hover a shadow,
something so tenuous that it resembled a film of dust
against the glow of electric light. She faced it with
steady eyes and a fearless heart.
But against her will her soul admitted that confrontation.
From that moment Mrs. Porter abandoned
disguise. Her terror was now so persistent that soon,
of itself, it would kill her. There was no remedy; doctors
could not help, nor change of scene. Only if Miss
Allen still saw and felt nothing could the old lady still
hope. Miss Allen lied and lied again and again.
"You saw nothing, Lucy?"
"Nothing."
"Not there by the fireplace?"
"Nothing, dear.... Of course, nothing!"
Events from then moved quickly, and they moved
for Miss Allen quite definitely in the hardening of the
sinister shadow. She led now a triple existence: one
life was Mrs. Porter's, devoted to her, delivered over
to her, helping her, protecting her; the second life was
her own, her rational, practical self, scornful of shadow
and of the terror of death; the third was the struggle
with Henry Porter, a struggle now as definite and concrete
as though he were a blackmailer confining her
liberty.
She could never tell when he would come, and with
every visit that he paid he seemed to advance in her
realisation of him. It appeared that he was always
behind her, staring at her through those glasses that
had, she was convinced, large gold rims and thin gold
wires. She fancied that she had before her a dim outline
of his face—pale, the chin sharp and pointed, the
ears large and protuberant, the head dome-shaped and
bald. It was now that, with all her life and soul in the
struggle for her friend, she realised that she did not
love her enough. The intense love of her life had been
already in earlier years given. Mrs. Porter was a sweet
old lady, and Miss Allen would give her life for her—but
her soul was atrophied a little, tired a little,
exhausted perhaps in the struggle so sharp and persistent
for her own existence.
"Oh, if I were younger I could drive him away!"
came back to her again and again. She found too that
her own fear impeded her own self-sacrifice. She hated
this shadow as something strong, evil, like mildew on
stone, chilling breath. "I'm not brave enough....
I'm not good enough.... I'm not young enough!"
Incessantly she tried to determine how real her sensations
were. Was she simply influenced by Mrs. Porter's
fear? Was it the blindest imagination? Was it bred
simply of the close, confined life that they were leading?
She could not tell. They had resumed their conspiracy
of silence, of false animation and ease of mind.
They led their daily lives as though there was nothing
between them. But with every day Mrs. Porter's
strength was failing; the look of horrified anticipation
in her eyes was now permanent. At night they slept
together, and the little frail body trembled like a leaf
in Miss Allen's arms.
The appearances were now regularised. Always when
they were in the middle of their second game of
"Patience" Miss Allen felt that impulse to turn, that
singing in her ears, the force of his ironical gaze. He
was now almost complete to her, standing in front of
the Japanese screen, his thin legs apart, his hostile,
conceited face bent towards them, his pale, thin hands
extended as though to catch a warmth that was not
there.
A Sunday evening came. Earlier than usual they
sat down to their cards. Through the open window
shivered the jangled chimes of the bells of St. James's.
"Well, he won't come yet ..." was Miss Allen's
thought. Then with that her nightly resolve: "When
he comes I must not turn—I must not look. She must
not know that I know."
Suddenly he was with them, and with a dominant
force, a cruelty, a determination that was beyond anything
that had been before.
"Four, five, six...." The cards trembled in Mrs.
Porter's hand. "And there's the spade, Lucy dear."
He came closer. He was nearer to her than he had
ever been. She summoned all that she had—her loyalty,
her love, her honesty, her self-discipline. It was not
enough.
She turned. He was there as she had always known
that she would see him, his cruel, evil, supercilious face,
conscious of its triumph, bent toward them, his grey
clothes hanging loosely about his thin body, his hands
spread out. He was like an animal about to spring.
"God help me! God help me!" she cried. With
those words she knew that she had failed. She stood
as though she would protect with her body her friend.
She was too late.
Mrs. Porter's agonised cry, "You see him, Lucy!...
You see him, Lucy!" warned her.
"No, no," she answered. She felt something like a
cold breath of stagnant water pass her. She turned
back to see the old woman tumble across the table, scattering
the little cards.
The room was emptied. They two were alone; she
knew, without moving, horror and self-shame holding
her there, that her poor friend was dead.
VIII LOIS DRAKE
Miss Lois Drake lived in one of the attics at
the top of Hortons. That sounds poverty-struck
and democratic, but as a matter of fact it was
precisely the opposite.
The so-called "attics" at Hortons are amongst the
very handsomest flats in London, their windows command
some of the very best views, and the sloping roof
that gives them their name does not slope enough to
make them inconvenient, only enough to make them
quaint.
Miss Drake was lucky, and asked Mr. Nix whether he
had any flats to let on the very day that one of the attics
was vacated. But then, Miss Drake was always lucky,
as you could see quite well if you looked at her. She
was a tall, slim girl, with dark brown hair, an imperious
brow, and what her friends called a "bossy" mouth. It
was, indeed, her character to be "bossy." Her father,
that noted traveller and big-game hunter, had encouraged
her to be "bossy"; the Drakes and the Bosanquets
and the Mumpuses, all the good old county families with
whom she was connected, encouraged her to be "bossy."
Finally, the war had encouraged her to be "bossy."
She had become in the early days of 1915 an officer in
the "W.A.A.C." and since then she had risen to every
kind of distinction. She had done magnificently in
France; had won medals and honours. No wonder she
believed in herself. She was born to command other
women; she had just that contempt for her sex and
approval of herself necessary for command. She
believed that women were greatly inferior to men;
nevertheless, she was always indignant did men not fall
down instantly and abase themselves before the women
of whom she approved. "She bore herself as a queen,"
so her adoring friends said; quite frankly she considered
herself one. The "W.A.A.C." uniform suited her; she
liked stiff collars and short skirts and tight belts. She
was full-breasted, had fine athletic limbs, her cheeks
were flushed with health. Then the Armistice came,
and somewhere in March she found herself demobilised.
It was then that she took her attic at Hortons. Her
father had died of dysentery in Egypt in 1915, and had
left her amply provided for. Her mother, who was of
no account, being only a Chipping-Basset and retiring
by nature, lived at Dolles Hall, in Wiltshire, and
troubled no one. Lois was the only child.
She could, then, spend her life as she pleased, and she
soon discovered that there was plenty to do. Her
nature had never been either modest or retiring; she
had from the earliest possible age read everything that
came her way, and five years at Morton House School,
one year in Germany, and four months in East Africa
with her father had left her, as she herself said, "with
nothing about men that she didn't know."
The war took away her last reserves. She was a
modern woman, and saw life steadily and saw it whole.
She also saw it entirely to her own advantage. The
strongest element in her nature was, perhaps, her
assured self-confidence in her management of human
beings. She had, she would boast, never been known
to fail with men or women. Her success in the war
had been largely due to the fact that she had applied
certain simple rules of her own to everybody
alike, refusing to believe in individualities. "Men and
women fall into two or three classes. You can tell in
five minutes the class you're dealing with; then you act
accordingly." Her chief theory about men was that
"they liked to be treated as men." "They want you to
be one of themselves." She adopted with them a masculine
attitude that fitted her less naturally than she
knew. She drank with them, smoked with them, told
them rather "tall" stories, was never shocked by anything
that they said, "gave them as good as they gave
her."
After her demobilisation she danced a good deal,
dined alone at restaurants with men whom she scarcely
knew, went back to men's rooms after the theatre and
had a "last whiskey," walked home alone after midnight
and let herself into her "attic" with great satisfaction.
She had the most complete contempt for girls
who "could not look after themselves." "If girls got
into trouble it was their own rotten fault."
She had developed during her time in France a masculine
fashion of standing, sitting, talking, laughing.
Nothing made her more indignant than that a man
should offer her his seat in a Tube. How her haughty
glance scorned him as she refused him! "It's an insult
to our sex," she would say. How she rejoiced in her
freedom! "At last," she said, "there is sex equality.
We can do what we like."
She was, however, not quite free. The war had left
her a legacy in the person of an adoring girl friend,
Margery Scales. Margery was an exact opposite to
herself in every way—plump and soft and rosy and
appealing and entirely feminine. She had been "under"
Lois in France; from the first she had desperately
adored her. It was an adoration without qualification.
Lois was perfect, a queen, a goddess. Margery would
die for her instantly if called upon; not that she wanted
to die. She loved life, being pretty and healthy, and
allowed by loving parents a great deal of freedom.
But what was life without Lois? Lois would tell
you, if you asked her, that she had made Margery.
"Margery owed her everything." Others, who did not
like Lois, said that she had ruined Margery. Margery
herself felt that life had simply not begun in those years
before Lois had appeared.
Lois had determined that "after the war" she would
finish the Margery affair. It unsettled her, disturbed
her, refused to fall into line with all the straightforward
arrangements that were as easy to manage as
"putting your clothes on." The truth was, that Lois
was fonder of Margery than she wanted to be. She
quarrelled with her, scolded her, laughed at her, scorned
her, and at the end of it all had absurdly soft and
tender feelings for her that were not at all "sensible."
Margery's very helplessness—a quality that infuriated
Lois in others—attracted and held her. She had
too much to do to bother about people's feelings; nevertheless,
were Margery distressed and unhappy, Lois
was uncomfortable and ill at ease. "After the war I'll
break it off.... It's sentimental."
Nevertheless, here she was, four months, five months,
six months after the Armistice, and it was not broken
off. She would dismiss Margery with scorn, tell her
that she could not be bothered with her scenes and tears
and repentances, and then five minutes after she had
expelled her she would want to know where she was,
what she was doing.
She would not confess to herself the joy that she felt
when Margery suddenly reappeared. Then, as the
weeks went by, she began to wonder whether Margery
were as completely under her control as she used to be.
The girl seemed at times to criticise her. She said
quite frankly that she hated some of the men whom
Lois gathered round her in the attic.
"Well, you needn't come," said Lois; "I don't want
you." Then, of course, Margery cried.
There was one occasion when Mr. Nix, the manager
of the flat, very politely, and with the urbanity for
which he was famous, warned her that there must not
be so much noise at her evening parties. Lois was
indignant. "I'll pack up and go. You'd think Nix was
Queen Victoria." Nevertheless she did not pack up
and go. She knew when she was comfortable. But
deep down in her heart something warned her. Did
she like all the men who now surrounded her? Was
there not something in what Margery said? In France
there had been work, heaps of it. Her organising gifts,
which were very real, had had full play there. The
sense of the position that she had had unsettled her.
She wanted to fill her life, to be still of importance, to
be admired and sought after and talked of. Yet the
men with whom she spent her time were not quite the
right men, and sometimes that little voice of warning
told her that they went too far, said things to her that
they had no right to say, told stories....
But did she not encourage them? Was not that what
she wanted? Perfect equality now; no false prudery:
the new world in which men and women stood shoulder
to shoulder with no false reserves, no silly modesties.
If Margery didn't like it, she could go....
But she did not want Margery to go.
Then "Tubby" Grenfell came and the world was
changed. Grenfell was nicknamed "Tubby" by his
friends because he was round and plump and rosy-faced.
Lois did not know it, but she liked him at once because
of his resemblance to Margery. He was only a boy,
twenty-one years of age, and the apple of his mother's
eye. He had done magnificently in France, and now
he had gone on to the Stock Exchange, where his uncle
was a man of importance and power. He had the same
rather helpless appealing innocence that Margery had
had. He took life very seriously, but enjoyed it too,
laughing a great deal and wanting to see and do everything.
His naïveté touched Lois. She told him that
she was going to be his elder brother. From the very
first he had thought Lois perfectly wonderful, just as
Margery had done. He received her dicta about life
with the utmost gravity. He came and went just as
she told him. He "ate out of her hand," his friends
told him.
"Well, I'm proud to," he said.
Unfortunately he and Margery disliked one another
from the very beginning. That made difficulties for
Lois, and she did not like difficulties.
"What you can see in him," said Margery, "I can't
think. He's just the sort of man you despise. Of
course he's been brave; but anyone can be brave. The
other men laugh at him."
He had a good-natured contempt for Margery.
"It's jolly good of you to look after a girl like that,"
he said to Lois. "It's just your kindness. I don't
know how you can bother."
Lois laughed at both of them, and arranged that
they should meet as seldom as possible.
Hortons was soon haunted by "Tubby" Grenfell's
presence.
"Peace Day" came and went, and Lois really felt
that it was time that she "settled her life." Here was
the summer before her; there were a number of places
to which she might go and she could not make up her
mind.
Firstly, she knew that some of the time must be
spent with her mother in Wiltshire, and she was dreading
this. Her mother never criticised her, never asked
her questions, never made any demands, and Lois had
rather enjoyed spending days of her "leave" in that
silly old-fashioned company. But now? Could it be
that Lois was two quite different people and that one
half of her was jealous of the other half?
Moreover, there was now a complication about Scotland.
"Tubby" had begged her to go to a certain house
in Northumberland; nice people; people she knew
enough to want to know them more. He begged her to
go there during the very month that she had planned to
go away with Margery. She knew quite well that if
she tried to break the Scottish holiday that would be
the end—Margery would leave her and never return.
Well, was not that exactly what she had been desiring?
Was she not feeling this animosity between "Tubby"
and Margery a great nuisance? And yet—and yet—— She
could not make up her mind to lose Margery; no,
not yet. Her hatred of this individual (she had never
been undecided in France; she had always known
exactly what she intended to do) flung her, precipitately,
into that final quarrel with Margery that, in
reality, she wanted to avoid. It took place one morning
in "the attic." It was a short and stormy scene.
Lois began by suggesting that they should take their
holiday during part of September instead of August,
and that perhaps they would not go so far as Scotland....
What about the South Coast? Margery listened,
the colour coming into her cheeks, her eyes filling with
tears as they always did when she was excited.
"But we'd arranged——" she said in a kind of
awe-struck whisper. "Months ago—we fixed——"
"I know, my dear," said Lois, with a carelessness
that she by no means felt. "But what does it matter?
September's as good as August, and I hate Scotland."
"You said you loved it before," said Margery slowly,
staring as though she were a stranger who had brought
dramatic news. "I believe," she went on, "it's because
you want to stay with Mr. Grenfell."
"If you want to know," cried Lois, suddenly urged
on partly by her irritation at being judged, but still
more by her anger at herself for feeling Margery's distress,
"it is. You're impossible, Margery. You're so
selfish. It can't make any difference to you, putting
our holiday off. You're selfish. That's what it is."
Then a remarkable thing occurred. Margery did not
burst into tears. Only all the colour drained from her
face and her eyes fell.
"No, I don't think I'm selfish," said Margery; "I
want you to enjoy yourself. You're tired of me, and
I don't blame you. But I won't hang on to you. That
would be selfish if I did. I think I'll go now. Besides,"
she added, "I think you're in love with Mr.
Grenfell."
Suddenly, as Margery said the words, Lois knew that
it was true. She was in love, and for the first time in
her life. A great exultation and happiness filled her;
for the first time for many months she was simple and
natural and good. Her masculinity fell from her, leaving
her her true self.
She came over to Margery, knelt down by her side,
put her arms around her and kissed her. Margery
returned the kiss, but did not surrender herself. Her
body was stiff and unyielding. She withdrew herself
from Lois and got up.
"I'm glad," she said, her voice trembling a little.
"I hope you'll be very happy."
Lois looked at her with anxious eyes.
"But this doesn't make any difference to us," she
said. "We can be the same friends as before—more
than we were. You'll like 'Tubby,' Margery darling,
when you know him. We'll have a great time—we
three."
"No," said Margery, "this doesn't make any difference.
That's quite true. The difference was made
before."
"What do you mean?" asked Lois, standing up, her
agitation strangely returning.
"You've been different," said Margery. "Since we
came back from France, you've been changing all the
time. It seemed right out there, your ordering everybody
about. I admired it. You were fine. But now
in London—I've no right to say so. But you're trying
to do all the things men do; and it's—it's—beastly,
somehow. It doesn't suit you. It isn't natural. I
don't believe the men like it either, or at any rate not
the nice men. I suppose it's silly, but I don't admire
you any more, and if I don't admire you, I can't love
you." With that last word she was gone, and Lois
knew quite well that she would never come back again.
Lois stayed in the "attic" that morning in an odd
confusion of mind. Margery was jealous, of course;
that was what had made her say those things. Her
discovery of her love for Grenfell filled her with joy,
so that she could scarcely realise Margery; moreover
the uncertainty that had been troubling her for months
was over, but behind these feelings was a curious new
sense of loss, a sense that she refused to face. Life
without Margery—what would it be? But she turned
from that and, with joyful anticipation, thought of her
new career.
She decided at once to dismiss Margery from her
thoughts—not only partially, but altogether, so that no
fragment of her should be left. That was her only way
to be comfortable. She had on earlier occasions been
forced to dismiss people thus absolutely; she had not
found it difficult, and she had enjoyed in the doing of it
a certain sense that she was finishing them, and that
they would be sorry now for what they had done. But
with Margery she saw that that would be difficult.
Margery had been with her so long, had given her so
much praise and encouragement, was associated in so
many ways with so many places. She would return
again and again, an obstinate ghost, slipping into scenes
and thoughts where she should not be. Lois discovered
herself watching the post, listening to the telephone, her
heart beating at the sudden opening and shutting of a
door ... but Margery did not return.
She centred herself then absolutely around young
Grenfell. She demanded of him twice what she had
demanded before because Margery was gone. There
was something feverish now in her possession of him.
She was not contented and easy as she had been, but
must have him absolutely. She was anxious that he
should propose to her soon and end this period of doubt
and discomfort. She knew, of course, that he would
propose—it was merely a question of time—but there
was something old-fashioned about him: a sort of
naïveté which hindered him perhaps from coming forward
too quickly.
She was not alone with him very much, because she
thought it was good for him to see how other men
admired her. She gathered around her more than before
the men with whom she might be on thoroughly
equal terms, as though in defiance of Margery's final
taunt to her. It was as though she said to that perpetually
interfering ghost: "Well, if you will come back
and remind me, you shall see that you were wrong in
what you said. Men do like me for the very things
of which you disapproved ... and they shall like me
more and more."
She thought Grenfell understood that it was because
of him that Margery had gone.
"She was jealous of you," she said, laughing. "I'm
sure I don't know why she should have been.... You
never liked one another, did you? Poor Margery!
She's old-fashioned. She ought to have lived fifty years
ago."
She was surprised when he said, "Did she dislike me?
Of course we used to fight, but I didn't think it meant
anything; I didn't dislike her. I'm so sorry you've
quarrelled."
He seemed really concerned about it. One day he
amazed her by saying that he'd seen Margery. They
had met somewhere and had a talk. Lois's heart leapt.
"I'm ready to forgive her," she said, "for what she
did. But of course things can never be quite the same
again."
"Oh, she won't come back!" Grenfell said. "I begged
her, but she said, 'No.' You weren't as you used to
be."
At this Lois felt an unhappiness that surprised her
by its vehemence. Then she put that away and was
angry. "I don't want her back," she cried. "If she
came and begged me I wouldn't have her."
But she felt that Grenfell had not reported truly.
He was jealous of Margery, and did not want her to
return. He seemed now at times to be a little restive
under her domination; that only made her more dominating.
She had scenes with him, all of them worked
up by her. She arranged them because he was so sweet
to her when they were reconciled. He was truly in
despair if she were unhappy, and would do anything
to make her comfortable again. Once they were engaged,
she told herself, she would have no more scenes.
She would be sure of him then. She was in a strange
state of excitement and uncertainty; but then, these
were uncertain and exciting times. No one seemed to
know quite where they were, with strikes and dances
and all the "classes" upside down. Although Lois believed
that women should be just as men she resented
it when Fanny, the portress, was rude to her. She had
got into the way of giving Fanny little things to do;
sending her messages, asking her to stamp letters, to
wrap up parcels. Fanny was so willing that she would
do anything for anybody; but the day came when Fanny
frankly told her that she had not the time to carry messages.
Her place was in the hall. She was very sorry....
Lois was indignant. What was the girl there
for? She appealed to Grenfell. But he, in the charming,
hesitating, courteous way that he had, was inclined
to agree with Fanny. After all, the girl had her work
to do. She had to be in her place. At this little sign
of rebellion Lois redoubled her efforts.
He must propose to her soon. She wished that he
were not quite so diffident. She found here that this
masculinity of hers hindered a little the opportunities
of courtship. If you behaved just like a man, swore
like a man, drank like a man, discussed any moral
question like a man, scenes with sentiment and emotion
were difficult. When you told a man a hundred times
a day that you wanted him to treat you as he would a
pal, it was perhaps irrational of you to expect him to
kiss you. Men did not kiss men, nor did they bother
to explain if they were rude or casual.
She had, however, a terrible shock one night when
Conrad Hawke, a man whom she never liked, seeing
her back to the "attic" after the theatre, tried to kiss
her. She smacked his face. He was deeply indignant.
"Why, you've been asking for it!" he cried. This horrified
her, and she decided that Grenfell must propose
to her immediately. This was the more necessary,
because during the last week or two he had been less
often to see her—and had been less at his ease with her....
She decided that he wanted to propose but had not
the courage.
She planned then that on a certain evening the event
should take place. There was to be a great boxing
match at Olympia. Beckett was to fight Goddard for
the heavyweight championship of Great Britain. She
had never seen a boxing match. Grenfell should take
her to this one.
When she suggested it he hesitated.
"I'd love us to go together, of course," he said. "All
the same, I don't think I approve of women going to
boxing matches."
"My dear 'Tubby,'" she cried; "what age do you
think you're living in?"
"Well, I don't know," he said, looking at her doubtfully.
"If that isn't too absurd!" she cried. "Has there
been a war or has there not? And have I been in
France doing every kind of dirty work or not? Really,
'Tubby,' you might be Mother."
His chubby face coloured. His eyes were full of
perplexity.
"Oh, of course, if you want to go, I'll take you,"
he said. "All the same, I'd rather not."
She insisted. The tickets were taken. She was
determined that that night he should propose to her.
The great evening had arrived, and they had a little
dinner at the Carlton Grill. Lois was wearing a dress
of the very latest fashion—that is, a dress that showed
all her back, that was cut very low in front, and that left
her arms and shoulders quite bare. She seemed, as
she sat at the table, to have almost nothing on at all.
This, unfortunately, did not suit her. Her figure was
magnificent, but the rough life in France had helped
neither her skin nor her complexion. The upper part
of her chest and her neck were sunburnt. Her arms
were brown. She had taken much trouble with her
hair, but it would not obey her now as it had done
in the old days.
"I'm a fright," she had thought as she looked at herself
in the glass. For a moment she thought she would
wear one of her old less-revealing evening frocks. But
no; she was worrying absurdly. All the women wore
these dresses now. She would look a frump in that
old dress. In colour the frock was a bright mauve.
She was aware that all eyes followed her as she came
into the grill room. She carried herself superbly, remembering
how many girls—yes, and men too—had
called her a queen. She saw at once that "Tubby"
Grenfell was uneasy, and not his cheerful, innocent
self. He seemed to have something that dragged his
thoughts away from her. They both drank a good
deal; soon they were laughing uproariously....
They started off in a taxi for Olympia. The wine
that she had drunk, the sense of the crisis that this
night must bring to her, the beautiful air of this May
evening, through which in their open taxi they were
gliding, the whisper and the murmur of the Knightsbridge
crowd—all these things excited her as she had
never in all her life been excited before. Had she
looked at herself she would have realised, from this
excitement, the child that she really was.
She put her hand on "Tubby's" broad knee and drew
a little closer to him. He talked to her eagerly, himself
excited by the great event. He explained something of
the fighting to her.
"There'll be a lot of 'in-fighting,'" he said; "there
always is nowadays, they've caught it from America.
You'll find that rather boring. But it isn't boring
really. There's heaps of science in it; more than there
used to be in the old boxing. They say that that's
where Beckett will be beaten—that he can't in-fight.
I don't believe they're right, but we'll see.... That's
what makes to-night so exciting. No one knows really
what Beckett can do. He knocked out Wells too
quickly, and he's improved so much that he's hardly the
same man as he was before."
He chattered on, apparently now quite happy. What
a dear he was! What a boy! How natural and good
and simple! She felt maternal to him, as though he
were her child. How happy they would be when they
were married! how happy she would make him!
They drew near to Olympia. They were now in a
great stream of cars and taxis. Crowds thronged the
road. They got out and pushed their way along. The
presence of the crowd thrilled Lois so that her eyes
shone and her heart hammered. She clung to
"Tubby's" strong arm. Soon they were through the
gates, pushing up the Olympia steps, passing the turn-stiles.
What strange faces there were on all sides of
her! She could not see another woman anywhere. She
gathered her cloak more closely about her. They
passed into the arena. For a moment she was dazzled
by the light. The tiers of seats rose on every side of
her, higher and higher. She followed "Tubby" meekly,
feeling very small and insignificant. Soon they were
seated close to the ring. Already men were boxing, but
no one seemed to look at them. Everyone hurried to
and fro; people were finding their seats. Around her,
above her, beyond her, was a curious electrical hum of
excitement, like the buzz of swarming bees. She herself
felt so deeply moved that she was not far from
tears. She grew more accustomed to the place. She
sat back in her chair, throwing her cloak behind her.
"Tubby" talked to her in a low voice, explaining where
everything was, who various celebrities were. There
was Cochran; that was Eugene Corri; there was a famous
actor; and so on. She began to be confident.
She knew that men were looking at her. She liked
them to look at her. She asked "Tubby" for a cigarette.
Her eyes moved to the ring; she watched the
boxing. She felt a renewed thrill at the sight of the
men's splendid condition; and then, as she looked about
her and saw the black cloud of men rising above and
around her on every side, she could have clapped her
hands with joy. Soon she was impatient of the boxing.
She wanted the great event of the evening to begin.
She felt as though she could not wait any longer, as
though she must get up in her seat and call to them to
come. She was aware then that "Tubby" was again
uncomfortable. Was he distressed because men looked
at her? Why should they not? Perhaps he did not
think that she should smoke. Well, she would smoke.
He was not her keeper.
The heat, the smoke, the stir, confused and bewildered
her, but she liked the bewilderment. She was
drunk with it—only this intense impatience for Beckett
and Goddard to come was more than she could bear.
"Oh, I do wish they'd come.... I do wish they'd
come!" she sighed. Then, turning to "Tubby," she
said: "Cheer up! What's the matter?"
"Oh, I'm all right." He moved uneasily. She fancied
that he glanced with anger at a fat, black-haired,
be-ringed man near him who, as she already noticed,
stared at her.
"Oh, I do wish they'd come!" she cried, speaking
more loudly than she had intended. Some man near
her heard her and laughed.
They came at last. The tall fellow was Goddard.
The shorter man in the dull-coloured dressing-gown
was Beckett. They walked about inside the ring; then
they sat down and were hidden by a cloud of men with
towels. A little man walked about the ring shouting
something through a megaphone.
Lois could not hear what he said because of her own
excitement. The ring was cleared; the fight had begun.
The breathless silence that followed was almost more
than she could bear. From the first moment she wanted
Beckett to win. His grim seriousness fascinated her.
The way that he stood crouching forward, his magnificent
condition, the brown healthiness of his skin, appealed
to her desperately. "I want him to win! I
want him to win!" she repeated again and again to
herself. He seemed to be having the best of it. Men
shouted his name. The first round was over. In the
pause of the interval she realised for a moment, as
though she had come down from a great height, that
the men near her were looking at her and smiling. She
did not care; if only Beckett would win she cared for
nothing. "The first round's Beckett's on points, anyway,"
she heard a man say near her. The ring was
cleared again, the men moved cautiously, watching one
another. Suddenly Beckett had sprung in. Before she
could account to herself for what was happening Goddard
was on the floor. Men rose in their seats, shouting.
The referee could be seen counting the seconds.
Goddard was up. Then Beckett was in to him again—right,
left, tuned like a piece of music. Goddard was
down again, and this time he lay his full length without
moving. The vast building seemed to rise like the
personification of one exultant man and shout. Lois
herself had risen; she was crying she knew not what,
waving her programme. A man had leaped forward
and kissed Beckett. Goddard was dragged by his seconds
like a sack to his chair. The roar continued; men
shouted and yelled and cheered. Lois sat down. It
was over; Beckett had won. She had had her desire.
She felt as though she had walked for miles and miles
through thick, difficult country.
She could only see, over and over again those quick
blows—right, left, like a piece of music....
They sat there quietly for a little; then she said,
"Let's go. I don't want to see any more after that."
Grenfell agreed.
Outside there was a strange peace and quiet. A large
crowd waited, but it was silent. It was watching for
Beckett.
The street was deliciously cool, and in the broad
space beyond Olympia there was only a rumbling sibilant
rustle that threaded the dusky trees. The stars
shone in a sky of velvet. They found a taxi.
"I'll see you to your door," "Tubby" said.
During the drive very few words were spoken. Lois
was concentrating now all her effort on the scene that
was to come. She was quite certain of her victory;
she felt strong and sure with the confidence that the
thrill of the fight had just given her. Above all, she
loved Grenfell. It was the first time in her life that
she had known love, and now that it had come she was
wrapped in the wonder of it, stripped of all her artifices
and conceits, as simply and naturally caught by it as any
ignorant girl of her grandmother's day.
They were in Duke Street; the car stopped before
Hortons.
Grenfell got out.
"Good-night," he said. "I'm so awfully glad you enjoyed
it."
"No, you've got to come in. You have, really,
'Tubby.' It's very early—not ten yet. I'll make you
some coffee."
He looked for a moment as though he would refuse.
Then he nodded his head.
"All right," he said; "just for a bit." They went
up in the lift superintended by young William, one of
the Hortons officials, in age about fourteen, but dressed,
with his oiled hair, high collar, and uniform, to be anything
over twenty.
"Oh, sir, who won the fight?" he asked in a husky
voice when he heard Lois make some allusion to
Olympia.
"Beckett," said Grenfell.
"Gawd bless Joe," said young William piously.
The "attic" looked very comfortable and cosy.
Grenfell sank into the long sofa. Lois made the coffee.
It was as though Beckett's victory had also been hers.
She felt as though she could not be defeated. When
she saw him sitting there so comfortably she felt as
though they were already married.
She knew that there was something on his mind. She
had seen, ever since they left Olympia, that there was
something that he wanted to say to her. She could
not doubt what it was.... She stood there smiling
at him as he drank his coffee. How she loved him!
Every hair of his round bullet-shaped head, his rosy
cheeks, his strength and cleanliness, his shyness and
honesty.
"Oh, I've just loved to-night!"
"I'm so glad you have," he answered.
Another long silence followed. He smoked, blowing
rings and then breaking them with his finger. At last
she spoke, smiling:
"'Tubby,' you want to say something to me."
"Well——"
"Yes, you do, and I know what it is."
"You know?" He stared at her, confused and shy.
"Yes," she laughed. "Of course I do. I've known
for weeks."
"For weeks? But you can't——"
"Oh, you think you can hide things—you can't!"
She suddenly came over to him, knelt down by the sofa,
putting her hand on his arm.
"You ridiculous baby! You're shy. You're afraid
to tell me. But, thank Heaven, all that old-fashioned
nonsense is over. I can tell you what you want to say
without either of us being ashamed ... 'Tubby,'
darling ... I know. I've known for weeks, and it's
all right. I'll marry you to-morrow if you want me.
I've loved you since first I set eyes on you. Oh,
'Tubby,' we'll be so happy! We——"
But she was stopped by the look in his eyes. He
had moved away; his face was crimson; his eyes wide
with dismay. She knew at once that she had made a
horrible mistake. He didn't love her. She rose;
shame, misery, anger, self-contempt, all struggling together
in her heart. She would have liked to speak.
No words would come.
"Lois!" he said at last. "I'm awfully sorry. I
didn't know you were going to say that, or I'd have
stopped you. We're the greatest pals in the world, of
course, but——"
"You don't want to marry me," Lois interrupted.
"Of course. It's quite natural. I've made a bit of a
fool of myself, 'Tubby.' You'd better say good-night
and go."
He got up.
"Oh, Lois, I'm so sorry.... But I couldn't tell.
I've had something else on my mind all these weeks—something
that for the last three days I've been trying
to tell you. Margery and I are engaged to be married."
That took the colour from her face. She stepped
back, putting one hand on the mantelpiece to steady
herself.
"Margery!... You! That stupid little idiot!"
There she made a mistake. He took her retort as a
dog takes a douse of water, shaking his head resentfully.
"You mustn't say that, Lois. And after all, it was
you that brought us together."
"I!" Her indignation as she turned on him was
red-hot.
"Yes. I was sorry for her when you turned her off.
I went to see her. We agreed about you from the beginning,
and that was a bond."
"Agreed about me?"
"Yes. We thought it was such a pity that you went
about with all these men. She told me how splendid
you were in France. She had thought that I was in
love with you, but I told her of course that I'd always
thought of you as a man almost. Love was a different
sort of thing.... Although to-night at the boxing you
weren't a man, either. Anyway——"
She cut short his halting, confused explanation with
contempt.
"You'd better go. You and Margery have treated
me pretty badly between you. Good-night."
He tried to say something, but the sight of her furious
eyes checked him. Without another word he went.
The door closed; the room was suddenly intensely silent,
as though it were waiting to hear the echo of his step.
She stood, fury, contempt, working in her face. Suddenly
her eyes flooded with tears. Her brow puckered.
She flung herself down on the floor beside the sofa,
and burying her face in it cried, with complete abandonment,
from her breaking heart.
IX MR. NIX
Mr. Nix, the manager of Hortons, had never
been an analyser of the human character: it
startled him, therefore, considerably, somewhere about
March or April of 1919, to find himself deep in introspection.
What is deep to one may not be deep to another, and
Mr. Nix's introspection amounted to little more than
that he felt, as he found himself confiding to a friend
one evening, as though he "were nothing more or less
than a blooming juggler—one of those fellows, Joe, that
tosses eight or ten balls in the air at a time. That's
what I'm doing, positively."
"If you ask me," said his friend, "what you're doing,
Sam, is thinking too much about yourself—being morbidly
introspective, that's what you're being. I should
drop it. That kind of thing grows."
"No, am I really?" said Mr. Nix, anxiously. "Upon
my word, Joe, I believe you're right."
What Mr. Nix meant, however, when he said that he
felt like a trick juggler, was literally true. He not only
felt like it, he dreamt it. This dream was recurrent;
he saw himself, dressed in purple tights, one foot on a
rope, the other in mid-air, and tossing a dozen golden
balls. Beneath him, far, far beneath him, was the sawdust
ring, tiers of people rising to either side of it.
The balls glittered and winked and tumbled in the fierce
electric light. Always they returned to him as though
drawn towards his stomach by a magnet, but always
present with him was the desperate fear lest one should
avoid and escape him. The sweat stood in beads on
his forehead; the leg upon which everything depended
began to tremble. The balls seemed to develop a wild
individuality of their own: they winked at him, they
sniggered. They danced and mocked and dazzled. He
missed one, he missed two, three ... the crowd beneath
him began to shout ... he swerved, he jolted,
he was over, he was falling, the balls swinging in laughing
derision about him ... falling, falling.... He
was awake.
This dream came to him so often that he consulted
a doctor. The doctor consoled him, telling him that
everyone was having bad dreams just now, that it was
the natural reaction after the four years of stress and
turmoil through which we have passed. "You yourself,
Mr. Nix, have had your troubles I don't doubt?"
Yes, Mr. Nix had lost his only son.
"Ah, well, that is quite enough to account for it.
Don't eat a heavy meal at night. Sleep lightly covered ... plenty
of fresh air."
This interview only confirmed Mr. Nix in his already
deep conviction that all doctors were humbugs.
"The matter with me," he said to himself, "is just
this, that I've got too much to do."
Nineteen hundred and nineteen was a very difficult
year for anyone engaged in such business as Hortons.
That spontaneous hour or two of mirth and happiness
on the morning of the Armistice had its origin in the
general human belief that the troubles of those nightmare
years were now over. At once, as though the
Fairy Firkin had waved her wand, the world would
be changed. The world was changed, but only because
a new set of difficulties and problems had taken the
place of the old ones, and these new troubles were in
many ways harder to fight. That was a year of bafflement,
bewilderment, disappointment, suspicion. Quite
rightly so—but the justice of it could not be seen by the
actors in it.
Mr. Nix was making a brave fight of it, just as
throughout the war he had made a brave fight. He was
a little man with a buoyant temperament, and no touch
of morbidity. His boy's death had shocked him as
an incredible event, but he had forbidden it to change
the course of his life, and it remained deep down, unseen,
a wound that never healed and was never
examined.
His embarrassments—the balls with which he was
forever a-juggling—were in the main four. First, the
Directors in whose power the fate of Hortons and several
other service flats lay. Secondly, Hortons itself,
its servants, its tenants, the furniture, its food, its
finances, its marriages, births, and deaths. Thirdly,
his own private speculations, his little private business
enterprises, his pals, his games, his vices, and his ambitions.
Fourth, his wife, Nancy.
Those four "elements" had all been complicated
enough before the war; it would take a man all his time,
he used to say, to deal with the Board—nice enough
men, but peremptory in many ways, not understanding,
and always in a hurry.
He had spent the best years of his life in persuading
those men that Hortons was the best service flat in
London; they did at length believe that; they were
satisfied; but having brought them to such a height
they must be maintained there. The war brought discontent,
of course. Only the old men were active on
the board, and the old men had always been the trying
ones to deal with. The war, as it dragged its weary
coils along, brought nerves and melodrama with it.
Only Mr. Nix, it seemed, in all the world, was allowed
to be neither nervous nor melodramatic. He must
never show anger nor disappointment nor a sense of injustice ... there
were days he honestly confessed to
Nancy, his wife, when he longed to pull some of those
old white beards....
But worse than those old men were the tenants of
Hortons themselves. Here was a golden ball of truly
stupendous heaviness and eccentricity. The things they
had demanded, the wild, unnatural, impossible things!
And the things that Hortons itself demanded! To
Hortons the war was as nothing. It must be fed,
clothed, cleaned, just as it had always been! You
might shout to it about the prices, the laziness of workmen,
the heaviness of taxation. It did not care. The
spirit of Hortons must be maintained: it might as well
not exist as be less than the fine creation it had always
been.
As to the third of Mr. Nix's "elements," his private
life, that had dwindled until it was scarcely visible.
He had no private life. He did not want to have one
now that his son, who had been so deeply connected
with it, was gone. Everything that he had done he
had done for his son: that was his future. He did not
look to the future now, but worked for the day, and
rather to his own surprise, for Hortons, which had
become a concrete figure, gay, debonair, autocratic....
His personal life dropped. He saw little of his
friends, never passed the doors of his club, sat at home
in the evenings, reading first the Times, then the Morning
Post, then the Daily News. He liked to have an
all-round view of the situation.
It was his sense of Fair Play.
In this way the third wheel of his life infringed upon
and influenced the fourth, his wife.
Mrs. Nix, whose maiden name had been Nancy Rolls,
was "about" forty years of age. Even Mr. Nix was
not quite sure how old she was: it was her way to exclaim,
with her hearty, cheerful laugh: "We're all getting
on, you know. There was a time when to be thirty
seemed to be as good as dead.... Now that I'm over
thirty...." She was round, plump, red-faced,
brown-haired, with beseeching eyes, and a little brown
mole on the middle of her left cheek. She dressed
just a little too smartly, with a little too much colour.
Mr. Nix, himself attached to colour, did not notice this.
He liked to see her gay. "Nancy's a real sport," was
his favourite exclamation about her. He had married
her when she was a "baby" seventeen years of age.
They had been great "pals" ever since. Sentiment had
perhaps gone a little out of their relationship. They
were both deeply sentimental people, but for some
reason sentiment was the last thing that they evoked
from one another. The death of their boy Lancelot
should have brought them together emotionally, but their
attitude had been, for so long, that of an almost masculine
good cheer and good humour, that they bore their
great sorrow individually. They had forgotten the
language of emotion.
Mr. Nix, in the deep recesses of his soul, pondered
over this. He wanted now to get closer to Nancy. He
was sure that she felt "our Lance's" death quite desperately,
but after the shock of the first month she
put on her bright clothes again, and went about to the
theatre and entertained her friends. "There's enough
misery in the world without my trying to add to it,"
she would say. "I know some people think it's bad of
me to wear these clothes, but it is what Lance would
have liked."
As they sat in their cosy little flat, perched high on
the top floor of Hortons, evening after evening, Mr.
Nix with the paper, Mrs. Nix with a novel, they were
both perhaps conscious that the boy's death had made a
barrier, and as they lay side by side in their bed at night
they were still more conscious of this. The darkness
seemed to strip from them that lively exterior life that
they had developed. Mr. Nix would lie there and think
about Nancy for hours....
In the daytime indeed, his hands were full. The
servants alone were problem enough for anybody. First,
the men all went away to the war, and he had to have
women—women for everything, women for the kitchen,
women for the hall, women valets. And then, just as
he was getting used to them, the men began to come
back—or rather, he had to get new men, men who must
be taught their jobs, and learn his rules, and fall in with
his ways.
Fortunately he was blessed with a wonderful portress,
Fanny. Fanny, on whom, after a time, the whole great
establishment seemed to hang. But what did Fanny
do but become restless after the Armistice, fall a victim
to a conscience which persuaded her that she was, by
remaining, keeping a man out of his proper job, and,
when he had persuaded her over that difficulty, what
should she do then but become engaged to one of the
valets, whom she presently married. Then the tenants
of the flats were disturbed and agitated by the general
unrest. Poor old Mr. Jay was so deeply agitated by
the new world that he died of the shock of it, and as
though that were not enough, old Miss Morganhurst
went out of her mind, and died in a fit.
It became more and more difficult to secure the right
kind of tenants. Hortons had always been a very expensive
place, and only wealthy people could afford to
live there. But how strange now the people who had
money! A young man like the Hon. Clive Torby, representative
of one of the finest families in England,
found suddenly that he had not a penny in the world,
and gaily took to house-painting, while on the other
side of the shield there were people like the Boddingtons,
who simply did not know how to behave, who,
wealthy though they were, should never have been in
Hortons at all.
Then again, Mr. Nix was most seriously disturbed
by the strange new interchanging of the sexes that
seemed to have sprung up in this post-war England.
"Positively," he said to his wife one evening, "all the
men seem to be turning into women, and all the women
into men." He read an article in some paper that
lamented the rapidity with which women were abandoning
all the mysteries that had made them once so charming.
How thoroughly Mr. Nix agreed with the writer
of the article! He read it all through to Mrs. Nix,
who was entirely in accord with every word of it.
"The girls are nothing better than baggages," she
declared; "that's my belief."
Hortons, its dignity, its traditions, its morality, was
in danger. "I'll save it if I have to die for it," Nix
declared.
As the weeks advanced his troubles extended. One
strike followed another—coal, food, labour, clothes, all
faltered, died, were revived again. Mr. Robsart, the
famous novelist, his most eminent tenant, awoke early
one morning to find a pipe leaking. His dining-room
wall-paper—a very beautiful and exclusive one—developed
bright pink and purple spots. It was weeks before
anything could be done. Mr. Robsart, who had
been led by an excited female public to believe his personality
to be one upon which the sun never set, said
what he thought about this. The balls faltered in the
air, their glittering surfaces menacing and threatening.
The tight-rope trembled; the crowd roared like angry
beasts.... This dream was ruining Mr. Nix.
And through it all, like a refrain that set rhythm and
measure to the rest, was the sense that he ought to do
"something" for Mrs. Nix, that she was unhappy, but
would not tell him about her unhappiness, that he should
come closer to her, and did not know how.
Into this new troubled confusion of Mr. Nix's life
came a figure. One day a young man who had known
Lancelot in France came to see them. His name was
Harry Harper. He was little more than a boy, was in
the London Joint City and Midland Bank, and was as
fresh and charming a lad as you would be likely to
find anywhere. Mr. Nix liked him at once. In the
first place, he had many new things to tell about Lance,
and he told them in just the right way, with sentiment,
but not too much, with humour a little, and with real
appreciation of Lance's bravery, and his popularity
with his men, and his charm with everyone.
Mrs. Nix sat there, on her bright red sofa, whilst
young Harper told his tale, and her face was as red
as the furniture. The tears glittered in her eyes, but
they did not fall. Her plump hands were locked lightly
on her lap. She stared before her as though she were
seeing straight through into the horrors of that terrible
No Man's Land, where her boy had faced the best and
the worst and made his choice.
"He was always a good boy," she said at last. "You
will understand, Mr. Harper, I'm sure. From his very
cradle he was good. He never cried like other babies
and made a fuss. Of course, as he grew older he had
a little of the devil in him, as one might say. I'm sure
no mother would have it otherwise. But—Oh! he
was a good boy!"
"There, there, mother," said Mr. Nix, patting her
soft shoulder. "I'm sure it's very good of you, Mr.
Harper, to come and tell us all this. You can understand
that we appreciate it."
Young Harper took it all the right way. His tact
was wonderful for a boy of his years. Mr. Nix, who,
like most Englishmen, was a deep-dyed sentimentalist
without knowing it, loved the boy.
"You come and see us whenever you like. We're
in most evenings. You'll always be welcome."
Harper availed himself of the invitation and came very
often. He was leading, it seemed, a lonely life. His
parents lived in Newcastle and they had many children.
His lodgings were far away in Pimlico, and he had
few friends in London. Before a month had passed
he was occupying a little spare bedroom in the Nix
quarters—a very little bedroom, but wonderful for
him, he declared, being so marvellously in the centre of
London. "You've given me a home," he cried; "can't
thank you enough. You don't know what Pimlico
can be for a fellow!"
As the days passed Mr. Nix was more and more
delighted with the arrangement. Mrs. Nix had a
way of going to bed early and Mr. Nix and Harry would
sit up talking. Mr. Nix looked forward to those evenings.
He had, he discovered, been wanting someone
with whom he might talk, and clear his ideas a bit.
Harry, although he was so young, had really thought
very deeply. Mr. Nix, whose thinking was rather of
an amateur kind, very quickly forgot the difference
between their years. Harry and he talked as man to
man. If anything, Harry was perhaps the older of
the two....
Mr. Nix found that it helped him very much when
Harry talked. He did not seem to be balancing so
many balls in mid-air when Harry was sharing his
difficulties.
The boy had, too, a charm. His air of asking Mr.
Nix's advice, as a man of the world. That was what
Mr. Nix liked to be considered, and he told Harry
many sensible things, especially about women.
"Don't let them catch you," was the burden of his
opinion. "They are the devil for getting hold of a
man before he knows where he is. Play with them,
but don't take them seriously, until the right one
comes along. You'll know it as soon as she does. So
much wiser to wait. But they're clever ... damned
clever...."
"You're right, sir," said Harry. "Ab-so-lute-ly: I
remember a girl once——"
He plunged into reminiscence. Finally, however,
he declared that he didn't care very much about
women. He meant to lead his life apart from them.
He'd watched other fellows and he knew the mess
they could get into.... Especially married
women....
"Ah! married women!" repeated Mr. Nix with a
sigh. There wasn't much that he didn't know about
married women. It was terrible the way that they
were kicking over the traces these days. Really
stopped at nothing. Why, he remembered a married
woman....
Then Harry remembered a married woman....
Then Mr. Nix remembered still another married
woman.
This led quite naturally to certain disclosures about
Mrs. Nix. Mr. Nix had indeed reasons to be thankful.
There was a woman who was corrupted by none
of these modern ideas.
She was no prude, she knew her world, but she believed
in the good old rules—"One man for one
woman."
"It's been a bit lonely for her," Mr. Nix continued,
"since Lancelot went, and it's a bit difficult to make
her happy. I'm so busy all day, you see. Takes the
whole of a man's time to run a place like this nowadays,
I can tell you. Be nice to her, Harry. See as
much of her as you can. She likes you."
"Indeed, I will," said Harry fervently. "You two
are the first real friends I've ever had. I'm grateful,
I can tell you."
Now, strangely enough, the more Mr. Nix thought
of his wife, the more seriously and earnestly he puzzled
as to the right way to bring her close to him, and
make her happy, the less he seemed to realise her.
There comes, perhaps, that moment in most married
lives when the intimacy of years has thickened the
personalities of man and wife so deeply with custom
and habit that the real individualities can no longer
be discerned. Something of the kind came now to
Mr. Nix. The more he attempted to draw closer to
Nancy, the more he realised that he was hearing a
voice, watching a physical form, having physical contact,
but dealing with shadows. He knew so precisely
her every movement, her laugh, the way that she
caught her breath when she was agitated, the touch of
her step on the carpet, that she was no longer a person
at all. She was part of himself, perhaps, but a part
of himself that he could not treat with his imagination.
He had not known before that he had an imagination.
The war had given it birth and now it was growing,
demanding food, living, thrusting, experiencing, leading
its master into many queer places—but neglecting
altogether Mrs. Nix.
He found himself, as he sat in his little office downstairs,
positively trying to force himself to realise what
his wife was like. She had bright yellow hair, a rosy
face, a plump figure; she wore two rings, one with a
ruby stone, another a pearl. She was marvellously
young for her age.... She....
Then, when with a start of surprise he realised what
he was doing, he wondered positively whether he were
not going mad. He buried himself more and more
in the work of the place, of the office, fighting to keep
everything straight and proper, realising, although he
was frightened to admit it, that Hortons was more
vivid to him than anything or anybody else.
Except Harry! "Thank God that boy's here," he
thought. "I don't know what we'd do without him.
That was a piece of luck for us."
He lay on his bed staring up into the dark ceiling;
he heard his wife's regular breathing at his side, and
he saw, there in the living dusk above him, the golden
balls dancing, rising and falling, multiplying, diminishing,
tumbling faster and faster and faster.
Then, with the months of June and July, Mr. Nix
was given very little more time in which to speculate
about life, women, and his wife. Everything in his
business affairs became so complicated that his life
extended into a real struggle for existence. He had
the sense that Hortons, which had hitherto shown him
a kindly, friendly face, was suddenly hostile, as
though it said to him: "Well, I've stood your hanky-panky
long enough. I'll have no more of it. I'm finished
with your management of me!"
Strange how a building suddenly decides to fall
to pieces! Hortons so decided. Every window, every
door, every pipe, every chimney misbehaved; tenants
appeared from all sides bitterly complaining. Servants
rioted; the discontent that was already flooding
the world poured through the arteries of the building,
sweeping it, deluging.
Mr. Nix showed them the character that he had.
He took off his coat and set to work. He was no longer
the round ball-like little man with the cherubic countenance
and the amiable smile. He was stern, autocratic,
unbending. He argued, persuaded, advised.
He wrote, to his own surprise, a very stiff letter to the
Board of Directors, telling them that they must understand
that times were difficult. Rome wasn't built
in a day, and that if they were dissatisfied with him
they must find someone else in his place. To his
amazement, he received a very polite letter from the
Secretary of the Board, saying that the Directors were
thoroughly satisfied with him and had no complaints.
He went on during that month from struggle to
struggle. He forgot Harry; he puzzled no longer
about Mrs. Nix. He was so tired when night came
that he slept the sleep of a drugged man. He no
longer saw the dancing balls. He was invigorated,
uplifted, desperately excited. He found in himself a
capacity for organisation that he had never suspected.
He discovered that it delighted him to meet and to
conquer his servants. He saw in their eyes, and he
was delighted to see it, their own astonishment at this
new character that he was developing. He browbeat
them, told them to go, showed them that they had
better stay, held them together and forced them to
content. They were afraid of him. By Jove!—They
were afraid of him! He looked at himself in the
glass. He blessed the crisis that had shown him in
his true colours. He contemplated the life of
Napoleon....
He went out, and with his own right arm fetched
in sulky and wage-demanding workmen. He talked
to them and found that there was a great deal to be
said on their side.
He began to discover that strange truth that almost
everyone was discovering just at this time—namely,
that when you read the papers or thought of your fellow
human beings in the mass, you hated and despised
them, but that, if you talked to any individual, man
or woman, you liked and understood them.
Pride grew in his heart, and happiness and contentment.
By the middle of July Hortons was itself again.
The crisis was over. Prices were impossible, labour
rebellious, the world topsy-turvy, but Hortons was at
peace. He sighed, put back his shoulders, patted his
little stomach appreciatively, loved all the world and,
once again, considered Mrs. Nix.
He would give her now all his time. He would take
her out; make her presents; they should have a splendid
new life together.
He came back one evening after a successful meeting
with the Board, opened his little hall door, hung
up his coat, whistling to himself, opened his drawing-room
door, saw Mrs. Nix on the red sofa, enveloped
in the arms of Harry, who was kissing her ears, her
eyes, her mouth.
He saw this, and then he saw the neat little sitting-room
sway and heave. A bright blue vase, holding
yellow sprays of some dried flower, raced towards him
across the mantelpiece, and he stepped back, putting
his hand on to a chair behind him to avoid its contact.
The room steadied itself and he realised that he felt
sick. He put up his hand to his mouth. Then every
sensation was swallowed up by a mad, violent anger,
an anger that seemed to increase with every wild beat
of his heart, as though that heart were, of its own
purpose, pounding him on to some desperate act.
Behind his anger he saw the two faces. Nancy was
sitting square on the sofa, her hands spread out, plunging
deep into the red stuff of the sofa. Harry was
standing, his face white, his eyes bewildered and defiant.
"You might at least have locked the door," Mr. Nix
said, whispering.
His knees trembled so that he suddenly sat down and
stared across at them.
"Why didn't you lock the door?" he repeated. "You
knew I'd be coming back."
"Look here ..." Harry began. He stopped, took
a pull at himself, straightened his back, stood instinctively
as though he were obeying orders—"I love your
wife. I've loved her for weeks. Of course, it's all
my fault. She doesn't care for me in that way. She's
just lonely, that's all."
"Lonely!" said Mr. Nix.
"Yes—lonely! You don't know that you've been
neglecting her all this time, do you? But you have!
And it's your own fault, all this. Nothing's happened.
She'd never deceive you. She's too good for that.
But it would be your own fault if she did.... Not
that I'm not a cad. Of course I am, coming in and
your being such a friend to me and then behaving like
this. I'm a cad all right, but you're to blame too.
She's the only one who hasn't done any wrong."
Where had Mr. Nix heard all this before? He'd
seen it on the stage. Just like this. Exactly. Nevertheless,
his anger mounted. He saw the room coloured
crimson. He suddenly bounded from his chair
and rushed at Harry. He tried to hit him in the face.
There was a most ludicrous struggle. The two hot
faces were suddenly close to one another. Then a
chair fell with a crash, and, as though the noise made
both men feel the absurdity of their situation, they
withdrew from one another and stood there glaring....
Mr. Nix hated that he should be trembling as he
was. Every part of him was shaking, and he was so
conscious of this that he wanted to escape and return
only when he was calmer.
"Very well ..." he said. "Of course, I know
what to do. I hope that I shall never see either of
you again."
"One moment." It was his wife's voice, and he
turned round surprised that it should sound just as
it had always sounded.
That was pathetic, and there was an impulse in him,
that he instantly fiercely defeated, to go to her and
take her hand.
"One moment," she repeated. "I've got something
to say to this." She rose and stood, her hands moving
nervously against her dress, her eyes staring
straight into her husband's face. "It's quite right that
I was kissing Harry, but it isn't right that I love him.
I don't love him a bit. I don't love anybody. I'm
just sick of men. I've been sick of them a long time.
It was just because I didn't feel Harry was a man at
all that I let him kiss me. A dog or a baby would
have done just as well.... I don't care what you do.
You can turn me out. I want to be turned out. I
want to be free, I want to be with women, and work
on my own, and do sensible things, and have my own
life with no men in it.... No men in it anywhere.
I've been wanting this for years; ever since the war
started. The world's just run for men and you think
you're so important that you're everything. But
you're not. Not to a woman of my age who's been
through it all, and hasn't children. What have I been
sitting at home for, waiting for you, seeing after your
food, keeping you in a good temper, looking after you?
Why should I? I'm myself—not half of you. And
Harry too. He was a nice boy at first. But suddenly
he wants me to love him, to belong to him, to
follow him. Why should I, a boy like that? I want
to be with other women, women who understand me,
women who know how I feel, women who have their
own world and their own life, and are independent of
men altogether.... I've wanted to go for months—and
now I'm going."
She moved towards the door. The absurdity of
what she had said kept him standing there in front
of her. She wanted only women! Oh, of course, that
was only bluff, put up to carry off a difficult situation.
People did not want their own sex—a man for a
woman, a woman for a man. That was the way the
world went, and it was right that it should be so.
Nevertheless, her words had had behind them a
strange ring of conviction. He stared at her in his
round, puzzled, solid way. He did not move from
where he was, and she could not reach the door without
brushing against him, so she also stayed.
Another mood came to her. "Oh! I'm so sorry ..." she
said. "I've done very wrong to hurt you.
You've always done your very best, but it was over—you
and I—so long ago. Long, long before Lance
was killed!"
"Over?" he repeated.
"Yes, over—men never know unless it's worth some
woman's while to tell them."
Harry's voice broke in.
"I'd better go.... I ought to ... I mustn't...."
He murmured something more, but they
neither of them noticed him. They were intent upon
one another. He left the room.
Mr. Nix stared desolately around him. "I don't
know what to do," he repeated to himself. "I don't
know what to do."
She sighed as she might have done with a child who
was trying her.
"We've both got to think it out," she said. "I'm
glad now that it's happened. It ends all that falseness.
I'll talk it over with you as long as you like."
She moved forward; he stood aside and she left the
room. He sat down on the red sofa and stayed there,
until late into the night, trying to puzzle out his position.
Sometimes, in his distress, he spoke to himself
aloud.
"That's what it is ... the world's changed. Entirely
changed. Women don't want men any more.
But that's awful! They can't get on alone. Nancy
can't get on alone. She thinks she can, but she can't.
She gets taken in by the first silly boy that comes
along. I believe she cares for Harry more than she
said.... She must.... She wouldn't have let him
kiss her...."
And that was the first thing that he found in the
voyage of mental discovery that he was now making—namely,
that he couldn't be jealous of Harry if he
tried. His anger had left him. There was nothing
in that. He knew it absolutely. Nancy had spoken the
truth when she had said that she didn't care for that
boy any more than for a dog or a baby. No, he felt
no jealousy, and now, oddly enough, no anger.
But he did not know how he felt. He did not know
what to do. Again he saw the golden balls tossing
in the air above him, and there was she, alluring, glittering,
tumbling, escaping.
He thought, with a smile of contempt, of his conquest
of Hortons. That was no achievement. But this,
this new woman, this new Nancy, here was something.
He slept that night on the sofa, taking off his coat
and wrapping a rug around him. He slept the slumber
of the dead.
Next day they had only one talk together, and that
a very little one. Suddenly after breakfast she turned
round upon him.
"Well," she said, "what are you going to do?"
"I don't know," he answered, and then because he
felt that she would despise him for being so indeterminate,
he went on, "It doesn't matter about Harry. I
was only angry for a moment seeing you together like
that. I know that you don't care for him. It was
what you said afterwards—about not caring for me
any more. Did you mean that?"
"Why no," she answered, "I never said that. Of
course I care for you. How could it be otherwise
after all these years? But I don't want to give up my
whole life to you any more. I don't love you. I
haven't loved you for years. I think Lance took all
the love I had after he was born. And so I don't
want to be always with you. Why should I be? Men
when they are friends aren't always together. I want
to be free, to do some of the things independent women
are doing. There are so many things women can do
now. I see no reason for our staying always together.
I don't want to stay with anyone always."
"Then you don't love me any more?"
"No, of course I don't—and you don't love me.
You know that. For ever so long now you haven't
felt anything about me at all. You've pretended to
because you thought it was right, but I've been a
shadow to you."
She was so right that he could only stare dumbly at
her wisdom.
"You're not a shadow any longer," he said.
She laughed.
"That's only because we've just had a scene. I shall
be a shadow again in a day or two."
They waited. At last he said, "Well, you won't
go at once, will you? Please, promise me that. Stay
until we've straightened everything out. Promise
me."
She shook her head.
"No, I'll promise nothing any more. I should only
break my promises. But I'll tell you before I'm going."
There began then for him the strangest time.
Slowly an entirely new woman stole into his life, a
woman whom he did not know at all, a creation as
strange and novel as though he had but now met her
for the first time. Every evening, when he returned
to the flat, it was with the expectation of finding her
gone. He questioned her about nothing. She continued
as she had done before to look after the flat
and his clothes and his food. He did not touch her;
he did not kiss her. They sat in the evening in their
little sitting-room reading. They discussed the events
of the day.
Soon he realised that it was beginning to be a passionate
determination with him that he must keep her.
He did not know how to set about it. He found that
he was beginning to woo her again, to woo her as he
had never wooed anybody before. He did not let her
see it. He fancied that he was the last word in tact.
One evening he brought her some roses. He tried to
speak casually about it. His voice trembled. One
night he kissed her, but very indifferently as though
he were thinking of other things.
And how mysterious she was becoming to him!
Not in the old way. He could not believe that there
had ever been a time when he had known her so well
that he could not see her. He saw her continually
now, through all his work, through every moment of
the day. His heart beat when he thought of her.
He would wait for a moment outside the door in the
evening, his hands trembling with the thought that he
might look inside and find her gone.
He never questioned her now as to where she went,
but he was forced to admit that she did not go out
any more than she had done in the old days. It was
strange when you came to think of it, that she had
not followed up more completely her fine declaration
of independence.
They went one evening to a theatre, together. They
sat close to one another in the dark, and he longed to
take her hand, but did not dare. He felt like a boy
again, and she was surely young too—younger than he
had ever known her.
There were times when he fancied that after all she
was quite contented with her domesticity. But he
did not dare to believe that. If he once caught the
golden ball and held it, what would happen?
There came at last an evening when imprudence
overcame him. He caught her in his arms and kissed
her—kissed her as he had not done for years. The
first wonderful thing that he knew was that she responded,
responded with all the passion of their first
days of courtship.
He heard her murmur:
"Poor old Sam—you poor, blind, silly old Sam."
A moment later she was out of his arms and across
the floor.
"But don't imagine," she cried, "that I'm sure that
I'm going to stay. I may be off at any minute. This
very night perhaps!"
He was alone staring at the closed door. The
golden balls were still dancing. He wanted to follow
her. He got up. He stopped. He had a moment
of intense disappointment.
Then—"By Jove, I believe I'm glad. I don't want
to be sure of her. I hope I'll never be sure of her
again!"
And on that flash of self-realisation he began his
new life.
X LIZZIE RAND
Lizzie Rand was just forty-six years of age
when old Mrs. Roughton McKenzie died leaving
her all her money. Months later she had not thoroughly
realised what had happened to her.
Until that day of Mrs. McKenzie's death she had
never had any money. She had spent her life, her energies,
her pluck and her humour in the service of
one human being after another, and generally in the
service of women. It seemed to her to be really funny
that the one who had during her life begrudged her
most should in the end be the one who had given her
everything; but no one had ever understood old Mrs.
McKenzie, and as likely as not she had left her money
to Lizzie Rand just to spite her numerous relations.
Lizzie had expected nothing. She never did expect
anything, which was as well perhaps, because no one
ever gave her anything. She was not a person to
whom one naturally gave things; she had a pride, a reserve,
an assertion of her own private liberty that
kept people away and forbade intimacy. That had
not always been so. In the long ago days when she
had been Adela Beaminster's secretary she had given
herself. She had loved a man who had not loved her,
and out of the shock of that she had won a friendship
with another woman, which was still perhaps the most
precious thing that she had. But that same shock
had been enough for her. She guarded, with an almost
bitter ferocity, the purity and liberty of her soul.
All the women whose secretaries she had afterwards
been had felt this in her, and most of them had resented
it. Old Mrs. McKenzie had resented it more than
any of them. She was a selfish, painted, over-decorated
old creature, a widow with no children and only
nephews and nieces to sigh after her wealth. One of
Lizzie's chief duties had been to keep these nephews
and nieces from the door, and this she had done with
a certain grim austerity, finding that none of them
cared for the aunt and all for the money. The outraged
relations decided, of course, at once that she
was a plotting, despicable creature; it is doing her less
than justice to say that the idea that the money would
be left to her never for a single instant entered her
head. Mrs. McKenzie taunted her once for expecting
it.
"Of course you're waiting," she said, "like all of
them, to pick the bones of the corpse."
Lizzie Rand laughed.
"Now is that like me?" she asked. "And, more
important, is it like you?"
Mrs. McKenzie sniggered her tinkling, wheezy
snigger. There was a certain honesty between them.
They had certain things in common.
"I don't like you," she said. "I don't see how anyone
could. You're too self-sufficient—but you certainly
have a sense of humour."
There had been a time once when many people liked
Lizzie, and she reflected now, with a little shudder,
that perhaps only one person in the world, Rachel
Seddon, the woman friend before-mentioned, liked and
understood her. Why had she shut herself off? Why
presented so stiff, so immaculate, so cold a personality
to the world? She was not stiff, not cold, not immaculate.
It was, perhaps, simply that she felt that
it was in that way only that she could get her work
done, and to do her work thoroughly seemed to her
now to be the job best worth while in life.
During the war she had almost broken from her
secretaryship and gone forth to do Red Cross work or
anything that would help. A kind of timidity that
had grown upon her with the years, a sense of her
age and of her loneliness, held her back. Twenty
years ago she would have gone with the first. Now
she stayed with Mrs. McKenzie.
Mrs. McKenzie died on the day of the Armistice,
November 11, 1918. Her illness had not been severe.
Lizzie had had, at the most, only a week's nursing;
it had been obvious from the first that nothing could
save the old lady. Mrs. McKenzie had not looked
as though she were especially anxious that anything
should save her. She had lain there in scornful
silence, asking for nothing, complaining of nothing,
despising everything. Lizzie admitted that the old
woman died game.
There had followed then that hard, bewildering period
that Lizzie knew by now so well where she must
pull herself, so reluctantly, so heavily towards the business
of finding a new engagement. She did not, of
course, expect Mrs. McKenzie to leave her a single
penny. She stayed for a week or two with her friend
Rachel Seddon. But Rachel, a widow with an only
son, was so tumultuously glad at the return of her
boy, safe and whole, from the war, that it was difficult
for her just then to take any other human being into
her heart. She loved Lizzie, and would do anything
in the world for her; she was indeed for ever urging
her to give up these sterile companionships and secretaryships
and come and make her home with
her. But Lizzie, this time, felt her isolation as she
had never done before.
"I'm getting old," she thought. "And I'm drifting
off ... soon I shall be utterly alone." The thought
sent little shivering ghosts climbing about her body.
She saw in the gay, happy, careless, kindly eyes of
young Tom Seddon how old she was to the new
generation.
He called her "Aunt Liz," took her to the theatre,
and was an angel ... nevertheless an angel happily,
almost boastfully, secure in another, warmer planet
than hers.
Then came the shock. Mrs. McKenzie had left her
everything—the equivalent of about eight thousand
pounds a year.
At first her sense was one of an urgent need of rest.
She sank back amongst the cushions and pillows of
Rachel's house and refused to think ... refused to
think at all.... She considered for a moment the
infuriated faces of the McKenzie relations. Then
they, too, passed from her consciousness.
When she faced the world again, she faced it with
the old common sense that had always been her most
prominent characteristic. She had eight thousand a
year. Well, she would do the very best with it that
she could. Rachel, who had appeared to be more deeply
excited than she over the event, had various suggestions
to offer, but Lizzie had her own ideas. She could not
remember the time when she had not planned what she
would do when somebody left her money.
She took one of the most charming flats in Hortons,
bought beautiful things for it, etchings by D. T. Cameron,
one Nevinson, and a John drawing, some Japanese
prints; she had books and soft carpets and flowers
and a piano; and had the prettiest spare room for a
friend. Then she stopped and looked about her. There
were certain charities in which she had been always
deeply interested, especially one for Poor Gentlewomen.
There was a home, too, for illegitimate babies. She
remembered, with a happy irony, the occasion when she
had tried to persuade Mrs. McKenzie to give something
to these charities and had failed.... Well, Mrs.
McKenzie was giving now all right. Lizzie hoped that
she knew it.
There accumulated around her all the business that
clusters about an independent woman with means. She
was on committees; many people who would not have
looked twice at her before liked her now and asked
her to their houses.
Again she stopped and looked about her.
Still there was something that she needed. What
was it? Companionship? More than that. Affection,
a centre to her life; someone who needed her, someone
to whom she was of more importance than anyone else
in the world. Even a dog....
She was forty-six. Without being plain she was too
slight, too hard-drawn, too masculine, above all too old
to be attractive to men. An old maid of forty-six.
She faced the truth. She gave little dinner-parties,
and felt more lonely than ever. Even it seemed there
was nobody who wanted to make her a confidante. People
wanted her money, but herself not at all. She was
not good conversationally. She said sharp sarcastic
things that frightened people. People did not want the
truth; they wanted things to be wrapped up first, as
her mother and sister had wanted them years ago.
She was a failure socially, in spite of her money.
She could not be genial, and yet her heart ached for love.
At this moment Mr. Edmund Lapsley appeared.
Lizzie met him at a party given by Mrs. Philip Mark
in Bryanston Square. Mrs. Mark was an old friend of
Rachel's, a kindly and clever woman with an ambitious
husband who would never get very far.
Her parties were always formed by a strange mixture
dictated first by her kind heart and second her desire
to have people in her house who might possibly help her
husband. Edmund Lapsley originated in the former of
these impulses. He was not much to look at—long,
lanky, with a high bony head, a prominent Roman
nose and large, cracking fingers. He was shabbily
dressed, awkward in his manner, and apprehensive.
It was his eyes that first attracted Lizzie's attention.
They were beautiful large brown eyes, with the expression
of a lost and lonely dog seated deep in their pupils.
He sat with Lizzie in a corner of the crowded drawing-room
to arrange his long legs so that they should not be
in the way, cracked his long fingers together and endeavoured
to be interested in the people whom Lizzie pointed
out to him.
"That's Henry Trenchard," Lizzie said, "that wild-looking
boy with the untidy hair.... He's very clever.
Going to be our great novelist.... That's his sister,
Millie. Mrs. Mark's sister, too. Isn't she pretty?
She's the loveliest of the family. That stout clergyman
is a Trenchard cousin. They all hang together
in the most wonderful way, you know. His wife ran
away and never came back again. I don't think I wonder;
he looks heavy...." And so on.
Lizzie wondered to herself why she bothered. It was
not her habit to gossip, and Mr. Lapsley was obviously
not at all interested.
"I beg your pardon," she said; "you don't want to
know who these people are."
"No," he said in a strange, sudden, desperate whisper.
"I don't. I lost my wife only three months ago.
I'm trying to go out into the world again. I can't. It
doesn't do any good." He gripped his knee with one of
his large bony hands.
"I'm so sorry," Lizzie said. "I didn't know. How
tiresome of me to have gone on chattering like that!
You should have stopped me."
He seemed himself to be surprised at the confession
that he had made. He stared at her in a bewildered
fashion like an owl suddenly flashed into light. He
stared, saying nothing. Suddenly in the same hurried,
husky whisper he went on: "Do you mind my talking
to you? I want to talk to somebody. I'd like to tell
you about her."
"Please," said Lizzie, looking into his eyes, they were
tender and beautiful, so unlike his ugly body, and full
of unhappiness.
He talked; the words tumbled out in an urgent,
tremulous confusion.
They had been married, it appeared, ten years, ten
wonderful happy years. "How she can have cared for
me, that's what I never understood, Miss—Miss——"
"Rand," said Lizzie.
"I beg your pardon. Difficult to catch ... when
you are introduced.... Never understood. I was
years older than she. I'm fifty now—forty when I married
her, and she was only twenty. Thirty when she—when
she died. In childbirth it was. The child, a
boy, was born dead. Everyone prophesied disaster.
They all told her not to marry me, she was so pretty,
and so young, and so brilliant. She sang, Miss Rand,
just like a lark. She did, indeed. She was trained in
Paris. I oughtn't to have proposed to her, I suppose.
That's what I tell myself now, but I was carried off my
feet, completely off my feet. I couldn't help myself
at all. I loved her from the first moment that I saw
her. You know how those things are, Miss Rand.
And, in any case, I don't know. Ten perfect years,
that's a good deal for anyone to have, isn't it? And she
was as happy as I was. It may seem strange to you,
looking at me, but it was really so. She thought I was
so much cleverer than I was—and better too. It used to
make me very nervous sometimes lest she should find me
out, you know, and leave me. I always expected that to
happen. But she was so charitable to everyone. Never
could see the bad side of people, and they were always
better with her than with anyone else. We'd always
hoped for a child, and then, as the years went on, we
gave it up. Edmund, she said to me, we must make it
up to one another. And then she told me it was going
to be all right. You wouldn't have believed two ordinary
people could be so happy as we were when
we knew about it. We made many plans, of course. I
was a little apprehensive that I'd be rather old to bring
up a child, but she was so young that made it all right—so
wonderfully young.... Then she died. It was
incredible, of course. I didn't believe it ... I don't
believe it now. She's not dead. That's absurd. You'd
feel the same if you'd seen her, Miss Rand. So full
of life, and then suddenly ... nothing at all. It's
impossible. Nature isn't like that. Things gradually
die, don't they, and change into something else. Not
suddenly...."
He broke off. He was clutching his knees and
staring in front of him. "I don't know why I talk to
you like this, Miss Rand ... I hope you'll forgive
me. I shouldn't have bothered you."
"I'm pleased that you have, Mr. Lapsley." She got
up. She felt that he would be glad now to escape.
"Won't you come and see me? I have a flat in Hortons
Chambers in Duke Street, No. 42.... Do come. Just
telephone."
He looked up at her, not rising from his seat. Then
he got up.
"I will," he said. "Thank you."
He was still staring at her, and she knew that he had
something further to say. She could see it struggling
in his eyes. But she did not want him to confess any
more. He would be the kind of man to regret afterwards
what he had done. She would not burden his
conscience. And yet she had the knowledge that it was
something very serious that he wanted to tell her, something
that had been, in reality, at the back of all his
earlier confession.
She refused the appeal in his eyes, said good-night,
took his hand for a moment and turned away.
Afterwards she was talking to Katherine Mark.
"I see you were kind to poor Mr. Lapsley," Katherine
said.
"How sad about his wife!" Lizzie answered.
"Yes. And she really was young and beautiful. No
one understood why she married him, but I've never seen
anything more successful.... I didn't think he'd
come to-night, but I'm fond of him. Philip doesn't
care for him much, but he reminds me of a cousin of
ours, John Trenchard, who was killed in Russia in the
second year of the war. But John was unhappier than
Mr. Lapsley. He never had his perfect years."
"Yes, that's something," Lizzie acknowledged.
It was strange to her afterwards that Edmund Lapsley
should persist so vividly in her mind. She saw
him with absolute clarity almost as though he were with
her in her flat. She thought of him a good deal. He
needed someone to comfort him, and she needed someone
to comfort. She hoped he would come and see her.
He did come, one afternoon, quite unexpectedly and
without telephoning first. Fortunately she was there,
alone, and wanting someone to talk to. At first he was
shy and self-conscious. They talked stiffly about London,
and the weather, and the approaching Peace, and
whether there would ever be a League of Nations, and
how high prices were, and how impossible it was to get
servants and when they got them they went.... Lizzie
broke ruthlessly in upon this. "It isn't the least little
good, Mr. Lapsley," she said, "our talking like this.
It's mere waste of time. We both know plenty of people
to whom we can chatter this nonsense. Either we
are friends, or we are not. If we are friends, we must
go a little further. Are we friends?"
He seemed to be at a loss. He blinked at her.
"Yes," he said.
"Well, then," she looked at him and smiled. "I don't
want to force your confidence, but there was something
that you were anxious to tell me about the other night,
some way in which I could help you. I stopped you
then, but I don't want to stop you now. I'll be honoured
indeed if there's anything I can do."
He gulped, stammered, then out it came. At the first
hint of his trouble it was all that Lizzie could do to
repress an impatient gesture. His trouble was—spiritualism.
Of all the tiresome things, of all the things about
which she had no patience at all, of all the idiotic,
money-wasting imbecilities! He poured it all out. He
had read books, at last a friend had taken him ... a
Dr. Orloff, a very wonderful medium, a very trustworthy
man, a man about whom there could be no
question.
On the first occasion the results had been poor—on
the second occasion his Margaret had spoken to him,
actually spoken to him. Oh! but there could be no
doubt! Her very voice.... His own voice shook as
he spoke of it.
Since then he had been, he was forced to admit, a
number of times—almost every day ... every day ... every
afternoon. He talked to Margaret every
day now for half an hour or more.
He was sure it was right, he was doing nobody any
harm ... they two together ... it could not be
wrong, but.... He stopped. Lizzie gave him no help.
She sat there looking in front of her. She despised
him; she was conscious of a deep and bitter disappointment.
She did not know how he could betray his
weakness, his softness, his gullibility. She had thought
him.... She looked up suddenly, knowing that his
voice had stopped. He was gazing at her in despair,
his eyes wide with an unhappiness that struck deep to
his heart.
"You despise me!" he said.
"Yes," she answered. "I do." But she was aware
at the same time that she could have gone across to him
and put her hand on his head and comforted him.
"That's all false! You know it is. You're only deluding
yourself because you want to persuade yourself—it's
weak of you. Your wife can't come to you that way."
"Don't take it from me!" His voice was an agonised
cry. "It's all I have. It's true. It's true. It
must be true!"
They were suddenly in contact ... she felt a warm
sense of protection and pity, a longing to comfort and
help so strong that she instinctively put her hand to her
heart as though she would restrain it.
"Oh, I didn't mean," she cried, "that I'd take anything
away from you. No, no—never that. If you
thought that I meant that, you're wrong. Keep anything
you've got. Perhaps I'm mistaken. The mediums
I've known have been charlatans. That's prejudiced
me. Then I don't think I want my friends to
come back to me in quite that way.... If it's true,
it seems to be forcing them, against their will, as it
were. Oh! I know a great many people now are finding
it all true and good. I don't know anything about
it. I shouldn't have said what I did. And then you
see I've never lost anyone whom I loved very much."
"Never?" Mr. Lapsley asked, staring at her with
wide-open eyes.
"No, never, I think."
He got up and came across to her, standing near to
her, looking down upon her. She saw that she had
aroused his interest, that she had suddenly switched his
attention upon herself.
She had aroused him in the only way that he could
be aroused, by stirring his pity for her. She knew
exactly how suddenly he saw her—as a lonely, unhappy,
deserted old maid. She did not mind; that the attention
of any one single human being should be centred
upon her for herself was a very wonderful, touching
thing.
Silence fell between them; the pretty room, grey and
silver in the half-light, gathered intimately around them.
When at last he went away it seemed that the last ten
minutes had added years to their knowledge of one
another.
A strange time for Lizzie followed. Edmund Lapsley
had rushed into her life with a precipitate urgency
that showed how empty before it had been. But there
was more than their mere contact in the affair. She
was fighting a battle; all her energies were in it; she
was ruthless, savage, tooth-and-nail; he should be
snatched from this spiritualism.
It was a silent battle. He never spoke to her again
of it. He did not say whether he went or not, and she
did not ask him. But soon they were meeting almost
every day, and she felt with a strange, almost savage
pleasure that her influence over him grew with every
meeting. She discovered many things about his character.
He was weak, undecided, almost subservient, a man
whom she would have despised perhaps had it not been
for the real sweetness that lay at the roots of him. She
very quickly understood how this girl, Margaret, although
so young and so ignorant of the world, must
have dominated him. "Any woman could!" she
thought almost angrily to herself, and yet there was a
kind of pride behind her anger.
She would not confess to herself that what she was
really fighting was the memory of the dead girl, or, if
she confessed at all, it was to console herself with the
thought that it was right for him now to "cheer up a
little."
Cheer up he did; it was curious to watch the rapidity
with which he responded to Lizzie's energy and humour
and vitality.
At last she challenged him:
"Well, what about Dr. Orloff?" she asked.
He looked at her with a sudden startled glance, then
almost under his breath he said: "I don't go any more; I
thought you didn't want me to."
So sudden a confession of her power took her breath
away. She asked her next question.
"But Margaret?" she said. He answered that as
though he were arguing some long-debated question with
himself:
"I don't know," he replied slowly. "You were right.
That wasn't the proper way to bring her back, even
though it were genuine. I must tell you, Miss Rand,"
he said suddenly flinging up his head and looking across
at her, "you've shown me so many things since we first
met. I was getting into a very bad way, indulging
myself in my grief. Margaret wouldn't have liked that
either, but it wasn't until I knew you that I saw what
I was doing. Thank you."
"Oh, you mustn't!" She shook her head. "You
mustn't take me for Gospel like that Mr. Lapsley. You
make me frightened for my responsibility. We are
friends, and we must help one another, but we must keep
our independence."
He shook his head, smiling.
"There's always been somebody who's taken my independence
away," he said. "And I like it."
After he had gone she had the tussle of her life. She
ate dinner alone, then sat far into the night fighting.
Why should she fight at all? Here was the charge given
straight into her hand, the gift for which she had longed
and longed, the very man for her, the man whom she
could care for as she would her child. Care for and
protect and guide and govern. Govern! Like a torch
flaring between dark walls that word lit her soul for
her. Govern! That was what she wanted; all her
life she had wanted it.
She wanted to feel her power, to dominate, to command.
And all for his good. She loved him, she
loved his sweetness and his goodness and his simplicity.
She could make him happy and contented and at ease
for the rest of his days. He should never have another
anxiety, never another responsibility. Why fight then?
Wasn't it obviously the best thing in the world, both for
him and for her? She needed him. He her. She
abandoned herself then to happy, tender thoughts of
their life together. What it would be! What they
could do with old Mrs. McKenzie's money! She sat
there trying to lose herself in that golden future. She
could not quite lose herself. Threading it was again
and again the warning that something was not right
with it, that she was pursuing some course that she
should not. The clock struck half-past eleven. She
gave a little shiver. The room was cold. She knew
then, with that little shiver, of what she had been thinking.
Margaret Lapsley....
Why should she be thinking of her? She was dead.
She could not complain. And if she were still consciously
with them, surely she would rather that he
should be cared for and loved and guarded than pursue
a lonely life full of regrets and melancholy. What
kind of girl had she been? Had she loved him as he
had loved her? How young she had died! How
young and fresh and happy!... Lizzie shivered
again. Ah! She was old. Fifty and old—old in
thoughts and hopes and dreams. Pervaded by a damp
mist of unhappiness, she went to bed and lay there, looking
into the dark.
With the morning her scruples had vanished. She
saw Margaret Lapsley no more. She was her own sane,
matter-of-fact mistress. A delightful fortnight followed.
All her life afterwards Lizzie looked back to
those fourteen days as the happiest of her time. They
were together now every afternoon. Very often in the
evening too they went to the theatre or music. He was
her faithful dog. He agreed with all her suggestions,
eagerly, implicitly. Mentally, he was not stupid; he
knew many things that she did not, and he was not so
submissive that he would not argue. He argued hotly,
growing excited, calling out protests in a high treble,
then suddenly laughing like a child. For those days
she abandoned herself utterly. She allowed herself to
be surrounded, to be hemmed in, by the companionship,
the care, the affection.... Oh, it was wonderful
for her! Only those who had known her years and
years of loneliness could appreciate what it was to her
now to have this. She warmed her hands at the fire
of it and let the flames fan their heat upon her cheeks.
Once she said to him:
"Isn't it strange that we should have made friends
so quickly? It isn't generally my way. I'm a shy
character, you know."
"So am I," he answered her. "I never would have
talked to you as I have if you hadn't helped me. You
have helped me. Wonderfully, marvellously. I only
wish that Margaret could have known you. You
would have helped her too."
He talked to her now continually of Margaret, but
very happily, with great contentment.
"Margaret would have loved you," he liked to say.
Lizzie was not so sure.
Then suddenly came the afternoon, for days past
now inevitable, when he asked her to marry him.
They were sitting together in the Horton flat. It
was a day of intense heat. All the windows were
wide open, the blinds down, and into the dim, grey
shadowy air there struck shafts and lines of heat, bringing
with them a smell of dust and pavements. The
roses in a large yellow bowl on the centre table flung
their thick scent across the dusky mote-threaded light.
The hot town lay below them like a still sea basking
at the foot of their rock.
"I want you to marry me, Lizzie," he said. "It
may seem very soon after Margaret's death, but it's
what she would have wished, I know. Please, please
don't refuse me. I don't know how I have the impertinence
to ask, but I must. I can't help myself——"
At his words the happiness that had filled her heart
during the last fortnight suddenly left her, as water
ebbs out of a pool. She felt guilty, wicked, ashamed.
She had never before been so aware of his helplessness
and also of some strange, reproaching voice that blamed
her. Why should she be blamed? She looked at him
and longed to take his head in her hands and kiss
him and keep him beside her and never let him go
again.
At last she told him that she would give him her
answer the next day.
When at last he left her, she was miserable, weighted
with a sense of some horrible crime. And yet why?
What was there against such a marriage? She was
pursued that evening, that night. Next day she would
not see him, but sent down word that she was unwell
and would he come to-morrow? All that day,
keeping alone in her flat, feeling the waves of heat beat
about her, tired, exhausted, driven, the whole of her
life stole past her.
"Why should I not marry him? Why must I not
marry him?"
The consciousness that she was fighting somebody or
something grew with her through the day. Towards
evening, when the heat faded and dusk swallowed the
colours and patterns of her room, she seemed to hear
a voice: "You are not the wife for him. He will have
no freedom. He will lose his character. He will become
a shadow."
And her answer was almost spoken to the still and
empty room. "But he will be happy. I will give him
everything. Why may I not think of myself at last
after all these years? I've waited and waited, and
worked and worked...."
And the answer came back: "You're old. You're
old. You're old." She was old. She felt that night
eighty, a hundred.
She went to bed at last; closed her eyes and slept.
She woke suddenly; the room swam in moonlight.
She had forgotten to draw her blinds. The high, blue
expanse of heaven flashing with fiery stars broke the
grey spaces of her room with splendour.
She lay in bed watching the stars. She was suddenly
aware that a figure stood there between her bed
and the thin shadowy pane. She gazed at it with no
fear, but rather as though she had known it before.
It was the figure of a young girl in a white dress.
Her hair was black, her face very, very young, her
eyes deep and innocent, full of light. Her hands were
lovely, thin and pale, shell-coloured against the starry
sky.
The women looked at one another. A little unspoken
dialogue fell between them.
"You are Margaret?"
"Yes."
"You have come to tell me to leave him alone?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"Oh, don't you see? He won't be happy. He won't
grow. His soul won't grow with you. You are not
the woman for him. Someone else—perhaps—later—
but oh! let me have him a little longer just now. I
love him so! Don't take him from me!"
Lizzie smiled.
"You beautiful dear!... How young you are!
How lovely!"
"Leave him to me! Leave him to me!"
The moon fell into fleecy clouds. The room was
filled with shadow.
With the morning nothing had been dimmed. Lizzie
was happy with a strange sense of companionship and
comfort.
When Edmund came she saw at once that he was
greatly troubled.
"Well?" he asked her.
"You've seen Margaret!" she cried. "Last night!"
He nodded his head.
"It may have been a dream...."
"You don't want to marry me...."
"Oh, yes! Don't think I would go back...." She
put her hands on his shoulders.
"It's all right, Edmund. I'm not going to marry
you. I'm too old. We're friends for always, but nothing
more. Margaret was right."
"Margaret!" He stared at her. "But you didn't
know her!"
"I know her now," she answered. Then, laughing,
"I've got two friends instead of one husband! Who
knows that I'm not the richer?"
As she spoke she seemed to feel on her cheek the
soft, gentle kiss of a young girl.
XI NOBODY
The only one of them all who perceived anything
like the truth was young Claribel.
Claribel (how she hated the absurd name!) had a
splendid opportunity for observing everything in life,
simply because she was so universally neglected. The
Matchams and the Dorsets and the Duddons (all the
relations, in fact) simply considered her of no importance
at all.
She did not mind this: she took it entirely for
granted, as she did her plainness, her slowness of speech,
her shyness in company, her tendency to heat spots,
her bad figure, and all the other things with which an
undoubtedly all-wise God had seen fit to endow her.
It was only that having all these things, Claribel was
additionally an unfortunate name; but then, most of
them called her Carrie, and the boys "Fetch and Carry"
often enough.
She was taken with the others to parties and teas,
in order, as she very well knew, that critical friends
and neighbors should not say that "the Dorsets always
neglected that plain child of theirs, poor thing."
She sat in a corner and was neglected, but that she
did not mind in the least. She liked it. It gave her,
all the more, the opportunity of watching people, the
game that she liked best in all the world. She played
it without any sense at all that she had unusual powers.
It was much later than this that she was to realise her
gifts.
It was this sitting in a corner in the Horton flat
that enabled her to perceive what it was that had happened
to her Cousin Tom. Of course, she knew from
the public standpoint well enough what had happened
to him—simply that he had been wounded three times,
once in Gallipoli and twice in France; that he had received
the D.S.O. and been made a Major. But it was
something other than that that she meant. She knew
that all the brothers and the sisters, the cousins, the
uncles and the aunts proclaimed gleefully that there was
nothing the matter with him at all. "It's quite wonderful,"
they all said, "to see the way that dear Tom
has come back from the war just as he went into it.
His same jolly, generous self. Everyone's friend. Not
at all conceited. How wonderful that is, when he's
done so well and has all that money!"
That was, Claribel knew, the thing that everyone
said. Tom had always been her own favourite. He
had not considered her the least little bit more than
he had considered everyone else. He always was kind.
But he gave her a smile and a nod and a pat, and she
was grateful.
Then he had always seemed to her a miraculous creature;
his whole history in the war had only increased
that adoration. She loved to look at him, and certainly
he must, in anyone's eyes, have been handsome,
with his light, shining hair, his fine, open brow, his
slim, straight body, his breeding and distinction and
nobility.
To all of this was suddenly added wealth—his uncle,
the head of the biggest biscuit factory in England, dying
and leaving him everything. His mother and he
had already been sufficiently provided for at his father's
death; but he was now, through Uncle Bob's love for
him, an immensely rich man. This had fallen to him
in the last year of the war, when he was recovering from
his third wound. After the Armistice, freed from the
hospital, he had taken a delightful flat in Hortons (his
mother preferred the country, and was cosy with dogs,
a parrot, a butler, and bees in Wiltshire), and it was
here that he gave his delightful parties. It was here
that Claribel, watching from her corner, made her
great discovery about him.
Her discovery quite simply was that he did not exist;
that he was dead, that "there was nobody there."
She did not know what it was that caused her just
to be aware of her ghostly surprise. She had in the
beginning been taken in as they all had been. He had
seemed on his first return from the hospital to be the
same old Tom whom they had always known. For
some weeks he had used a crutch, and his cheeks were
pale, his eyes were sunk like bright jewels into dark
pouches of shadow.
He had said very little about his experiences in
France; that was natural, none of the men who had
returned from there wished to speak of it. He had
thrown himself with apparent eagerness into the dancing,
the theatres, the house-parties, the shooting, the
flirting—all the hectic, eager life that seemed to be
pushed by everyone's hands into the dark, ominous
silence that the announcement of the Armistice had
created.
Then how they all had crowded about him! Claribel,
seated in her dark little corner, had summoned
them one by one—Mrs. Freddie Matcham with her
high, bright colour and wonderful hair, her two daughters,
Claribel's cousins, Lucy and Amy, so pretty and
so stupid, the voluminous Dorsets, with all their Beaminster
connections, Hattie Dorset, Dollie Pym-Dorset,
Rose and Emily; then the men—young Harwood
Dorset, who was no good at anything, but danced so
well, Henry Matcham, capable and intelligent would
he only work, Pelham Duddon, ambitious and grasping;
then her own family, her elder sisters, Morgraunt
(what a name!), who married Rex Beaminster, and
they hadn't a penny, and Lucile, unmarried, pretty
and silly, and Dora, serious and plain and a miser—Oh!
Claribel knew them all! She wondered, as she
sat there, how she could know them all as she did, and,
after that, how they could be so unaware that she did
know them! She did not feel herself preternaturally
sharp—only that they were unobservant or simply, perhaps,
that they had better things to observe.
The thing, of course, that they were all just then
observing was Tom and his money. The two things
were synonymous, and if they couldn't have the money
without Tom, they must have him with it. Not that
they minded having Tom—he was exactly what they
felt a man should be—beautiful to look at, easy and
happy and casual, a splendid sportsman, completely
free of that tiresome "analysis" stuff that some of the
would-be clever ones thought so essential.
They liked Tom and approved of him, and oh! how
they wanted his money! There was not one of them
not in need of it! Claribel could see all their dazzling,
shining eyes fixed upon those great piles of gold, their
beautiful fingers crooked out towards it. Claribel did
not herself want money. What she wanted, more than
she allowed herself to think, was companionship and
friendship and affection.... And that she was inclined
to think she was fated never to obtain.
The day when she first noticed the thing that was
the matter with Tom, was one wet, stormy afternoon
in March; they were all gathered together in Tom's
lovely sitting-room in Hortons.
Tom, without being exactly clever about beautiful
things, had a fine sense of the way that he wished to
be served, and the result of this was that his flat was
neat and ordered, everything always in perfect array.
His man, Sheraton, was an ideal man; he had been
Tom's servant before the war, and now, released from
his duties, was back again; there was no reason why
he should ever now depart from them, he having, as
he once told Claribel, a contemptuous opinion of women.
Under Sheraton's care, that long, low-ceilinged room,
lined with bookcases (Tom loved fine bindings), with
its gleaming, polished floor, some old family portraits
and rich curtains of a gleaming dark purple—to Claribel
this place was heaven. It would not, of course,
have been so heavenly had Tom not been so perfect
a figure moving against the old gold frames, the curtains,
the leaping fire, looking so exactly, Claribel
thought "the younger image of old Theophilus Duddon,
stiff and grand up there on the wall in his white stock
and velvet coat, Tom's great-grandfather."
On this particular day, Claribel's sister, Morgraunt
Beaminster and Lucile, Mrs. Matcham, Hattie Dorset,
and some men were present. Tom was sitting over the
rim of a big leather chair near the fire, his head tossed
back laughing at one of Lucile's silly jokes. Mrs.
Matcham was at the table, "pouring out," and Sheraton,
rather stout but otherwise a fine example of the Admirable
Crichton, handed around the food. They were
laughing, as they always did, at nothing at all, Lucile's
shrill, barking laugh above the rest. From the babel
Claribel caught phrases like "Dear old Tom!" "But
he didn't—he hadn't got the intelligence." "Tom,
you're a pet...." "Oh, but of course not. What
stuff! Why, Harriet herself ...!" Through it all
Sheraton moved with his head back, his indulgent indifference,
his supremely brushed hair. It was just
then Claribel caught the flash from Mrs. Matcham's
beautiful eyes. Everyone had their tea; there was
nothing left for her to do. She sat there, her lovely
hands crossed on the table in front of her, her eyes
lost, apparently, in dim abstraction. Claribel saw that
they were not lost at all, but were bent, obliquely, with
a concentrated and almost passionate interest, upon Tom.
Mrs. Matcham wanted something, and she was determined
this afternoon to ask for it. What was it?
Money? Her debts were notorious. Jewels? She
was insatiable there ... Freddie Matcham couldn't
give her things. Old Lord Ferris wanted to, but
wasn't allowed to.... Claribel knew all this, young
though she was. There remained, then, as always,
Tom.
Thrilled by this discovery of Mrs. Matcham's eyes,
Claribel pursued her discoveries further, and the next
thing that she saw was that Lucile also was intent upon
some prize. Her silly, bright little eyes were tightened
for some very definite purpose. They fastened
upon Tom like little scissors. Claribel knew that Lucile
had developed recently a passion for bridge and, being
stupid.... Yes, Lucile wanted money. Claribel
allowed herself a little shudder of disgust. She was
only seventeen and wore spectacles, and was plain, but
at that moment she felt herself to be infinitely superior
to the whole lot of them. She had her own private
comfortable arrogances.
It was then, while she was despising them, that she
made her discovery about Tom. She looked across at
him wondering whether he had noticed any of the things
that had struck her. She at the same time sighed, seeing
that she had made, as she always did, a nasty
sloppy mess in her saucer, and knowing that Morgraunt
(the watchdog of the family) would be certain to notice
and scold her for it.
She looked across at Tom and discovered suddenly
that he wasn't there. The shell of him was there, the
dark clothes, the black tie with the pearl pin, the white
shirt, the faintly-coloured clear-cut mask with the shining
hair, the white throat, the heavy eye-lashes—the
shell, the mask, nothing else. She could never remember
afterwards exactly what it was that made her certain
that nobody was there. Lucile was talking to
him, eagerly, repeating, as she always did, her words
over and over again. He was, apparently, looking up
at her, a smile on his lips. Morgraunt, so smart with
the teasing blue feather in her hat, was looking across
at them intent upon what Lucile was saying. He was
apparently looking at Lucile, and yet his eyes were dead,
sightless, like the eyes of a statue. In his hand he
apparently held a cigarette, and yet his hand was of
marble, no life ran through the veins. Claribel even
fancied, so deeply excited had she become, that you
could see the glitter of the fire through his dark body
as he sat carefully balanced on the edge of the chair.
There was Nobody there, and then, as she began to
reflect, there never had been anybody since the Armistice.
Tom had never returned from France; only a
framework with clothes hung upon it, a doll, an automaton,
did Tom's work and fulfilled his place. Tom's soul
had remained in France. He did not really hear what
Lucile was saying. He did not care what any of them
were doing, and that, of course, accounted for the wonderful
way that, during these past weeks, he had acquiesced
in every one of their proposals. They had many
of them commented on Tom's extraordinary good nature
now that he had returned. "You really could do anything
with him that you pleased," Claribel had heard
Morgraunt triumphantly exclaim. Well, so you can
with a corpse!...
As she stared at him and realised the dramatic import
of her discovery, she was suddenly filled with pity. Poor
Tom! How terrible that time in France must have
been to have killed him like that, and nobody had known.
They had thought that he had taken it so easily, he
had laughed and jested with the others, had always returned
to France gaily.... How terrified he must have
been—before he died!
As she watched him, he got up from the chair and
stood before the fire, his legs spread out. The others
had gathered in a corner of the room, busied around
Hattie, who was trying some new Jazz tunes on the
piano. Mrs. Matcham got up from her table and went
over to Tom and began eagerly to talk to him. Her
hands were clasped behind her beautiful back, and Claribel
could see how the fingers twisted and untwisted
again and again over the urgency of her request.
Claribel saw Tom's face. The mask was the lovelier
now because she knew that there was no life behind
it. She saw the lips smile, the eyes shine, the head
bend. It was to her as though someone were turning
an electric button behind there in the middle of his
back....
He nodded. Mrs. Matcham laughed. "Oh, you
darling!" Claribel heard her cry. "If you only knew
what you've done for me!"
The party was over. They all began to go.
Claribel was right. There was Nobody there.
When everybody had gone that evening and the body
of Tom was alone, it surveyed the beautiful room.
Tom's body (which may for the moment be conveniently
but falsely called Tom) looked about and felt
a wave of miserable, impotent uselessness.
Tom summoned Sheraton.
"Clear all these things away," he said.
"Yes, sir."
"I'm going out."
"Yes, sir." "Dinner jacket to-night, sir?"
"No, I'm not dressing." He went to the door, then
turned round. "Sheraton!"
"Yes sir!"
"What's the matter with me?"
"I beg your pardon, sir!"
"What's the matter with me? You know what I
mean as well as I do. Ever since I came back....
I can't take an interest in anything—not in anything
nor in anybody. To-day, for instance, I didn't hear
a word that they were saying, not one of them, and
they made enough noise, too! I don't care for anything,
I don't want anything, I don't like anything,
I don't hate anything. It's as though I were asleep—and
yet I'm not asleep either. What's the matter with
me, Sheraton?"
Sheraton's eyes, that had been so insistently veiled
by decent society, as expressionless as a pair of marbles,
were suddenly human; Sheraton's voice, which
had been something like the shadow of a real voice,
was suddenly full of feeling.
"Why, sir, of course I've noticed ... being with
you before the war and all, and being fond of you, if
you'll forgive my saying so, so that I always hoped
that I'd come back to you. Why, if you ask me, sir,
it's just the bloody war—that's all it is. I've felt something
of the same kind myself. I'm getting over it a
bit. It'll pass, sir. The war leaves you kind o' dead.
People don't seem real any more. If you could get fond
of some young lady, Mr. Duddon, I'm sure...."
"Thanks, Sheraton. I dare say you're right." He
went out.
It was a horrible night. The March wind was tearing
down Duke Street, hurling itself at the windows,
plucking with its fingers at the doors, screaming and
laughing down the chimneys. The decorous decencies
of that staid bachelor St. James's world seemed to be
nothing to its mood of wilful bad temper. Through
the clamour of banging doors and creaking windows the
bells of St. James's Church could be heard striking
seven o'clock.
The rain was intermittent, and fell in sudden little
gusts, like the subsiding agonies of a weeping child.
Every once and again a thin wet wisp of a moon showed
dimly grey through heavy piles of driving cloud. Tom
found Bond Street almost deserted of foot passengers.
Buttoning his high blue collar up about his neck,
he set himself to face the storm. The drive of the
rain against his cheeks gave him some sort of dim satisfaction
after the close warm comfort of his flat.
Somewhere, far, far away in him, a voice was questioning
him as to why he had given Mrs. Matcham
that money. The voice reminded him of what indeed
he very well knew, that it was exactly like throwing
water down a well, that it would do Millie Matcham
no good, that it was wasted money.... Well, he
didn't care. The voice was too far away, and altogether
had too little concern with him to disturb him very
deeply. Nothing disturbed him, damn it—nothing,
nothing, nothing!
When he was almost upon Grosvenor Street, a sudden
gust of wind drove at him so furiously that, almost
without knowing what he was doing, instinctively he
stepped back to take shelter beneath a wooden boarding.
Here a street lamp gave a pale yellow colour to
the dark shadows, and from its cover the street shot
like a gleaming track of steel into the clustered lights
of Oxford Street.
Tom was aware that two people had taken shelter
in the same refuge. He peered at their dim figures.
He saw at once that they were old—an old man and
an old woman.
He did not know what it was that persuaded him
to stare at them as though they could be of any importance
to him. Nothing could be of any importance
to him, and he was attracted, perhaps, rather by a kind
of snivelling, sniffling noise that one of them made.
The old lady—she had a terrible cold. She sneezed
violently, and the old man uttered a scornful "chut-chut"
like an angry, battered bird. Then he peered
up at Tom and said in a complaining, whining voice:
"What a night!"
"Yes, it is," said Tom. "You'd better get home."
His eyes growing accustomed to the gloom, he saw
the pair distinctly. The old man was wearing a high
hat, battered and set rakishly on the side of his head.
The collar of a threadbare overcoat was turned up high
over his skinny neck. He wore shabby black gloves.
The old lady, sheltering behind the old man, was less
easily discerned. She was a humped and disconcerted
shadow, with a feather in her hat and a sharp nose.
"You'd better be getting home," Tom repeated, wondering
to himself that he stayed.
The old man peered up at him.
"You're out for no good, I reckon," he mumbled.
"Waiting like this on a night like this." There was
a note in his voice of scornful patronage.
"I'm not out for anything particular," said Tom.
"Simply taking a walk." The old lady sneezed again.
"You'd really better be going home. Your wife's got
a terrible cold."
"She's not my wife," said the old man. "She's my
sister, if you want to know."
"I don't want to know especially," said Tom. "Well,
good-night: I see the rain's dropped."
He stepped out into Bond Street, and then (on looking
back he could never define precisely the impulse
that drove him) he hurried back to them.
"You'd better let me get you a cab or something,"
he said. "You really ought to go home."
The old man snarled at him. "You let us alone,"
he said. "We haven't done you any harm."
The impulse persisted.
"I'm going to get you a cab," he said. "Whether you
like it or no."
"None of your bloody philanthropy," said the old
man. "I know you. M'rier and me's all right."
It was Maria then who took the next step in the
affair. Tom, although he was afterwards to have a
very considerable knowledge of that old lady, could
never definitely determine as to whether the step that
she took was honest or no. What she did was to collapse
into the sodden pavement in a black and grimy
heap. The feather stood out from the collapse with a
jaunty, ironical gesture.
"'Ere, M'rier," said the old man, very much as
though he were addressing a recalcitrant horse, "you
get hup."
No sound came from the heap. Tom bent down.
He touched her soiled velvet coat, lifted an arm, felt
the weight sink beneath him. "Well," he said, almost
defiantly, to the old man, "what are you going to
do now?"
"She's always doing it," he answered, "and at the
most aggravating moments." Then with something
that looked suspiciously like a kick, he repeated: "You
get hup, M'rier."
"Look here, you can't do that," Tom cried. "What
an old devil you are! We've got to get her out of
this."
A voice addressed them from the street: "Anything
the matter?" it said.
Tom turned and found that the driver of a taxi had
pulled up his machine and was peering into the shadow.
"Yes. There's been an accident," Tom said. "This
lady's fainted. We'd better get her home."
"Where's she going to?" said the driver suspiciously.
"What business is that of yours?" cried the old
man furiously. "You just leave us alone."
"No, you couldn't do that," Tom answered. "There'll
be a policeman here in a moment, and he'll have you
home whether you want it or not. You never can lift
her yourself, and you can't leave her there. You'd
better help me get her into the cab!"
The old man began to gargle strangely in his throat.
"Policeman!" he seemed to say. "If I 'ad my
way——"
"Well, for once you haven't," said Tom shortly.
"Here, driver, help me lift her in."
"Where's she going?" he repeated.
"If you don't help me at once I'll see that a policeman
is here. I've got your number. You'll hear from
me in the morning."
The man got off his box, cursing. He hesitated a
moment, then came across. Together he and Tom lifted
the inert mass, pushed it through the door of the cab
and settled it in the seat.
"Makin' my cab dirty and all," growled the driver.
"Well," said Tom to the old man, "are you going
to see your sister home? If not, I shall take her to
the nearest hospital."
For a moment the old man remained perched up
against the wall, his top hat flaunting defiance to the
whole world. Suddenly, as though he had been pushed,
he came across to the driver.
"Eleven D Porker's Buildings, Victoria," he said.
"B?" asked the driver.
"D, you damned fool," the old man almost shouted.
"Thought you said B," remarked the driver very
amiably.
The old man got in. He was on one side of the
motionless Maria, Tom on the other.
That was a remarkable and even romantic ride. The
roads were slippery, and the driver, it appeared, a little
drunk. The cab rocked like a drunken boat, and the
watery moon, now triumphant over the clouds, the
gleaming pavement, the houses, gaunt in the uncertain
moonlight, and thin as though they had been cut from
black paper, seemed to be inebriated too. Maria shared
in the general irresponsibility, lurching from side to
side, and revealing, now that her hat was on Tom's
lap, an ancient peeked face with as many lines on it
as an Indian's, and grey, untidy hair. She seemed a
lifeless thing enough, and yet Tom had a strange notion
that one eye was open, and not only watching, but
winking as well.
It would have been the natural thing to have opened
her dress and given her air, to have poured whisky or
brandy down her throat, to have tickled her with feathers!
Tom did none of these things: afterwards he
imagined that his inaction was due to the fact that
he knew all the time that she had not really fainted.
Not a word was exchanged during the journey. They
drove down Victoria Street, turned off on the right of
Westminster Cathedral, and drew up in a narrow, dirty
street.
A high block had "Porker's Buildings" printed in
large, ugly letters on the fanlight near the door.
"You'd better help me lift her in," Tom said to the
driver. "The old man's not good for anything."
The driver grunted, but helped Maria into the street.
The fresh night air seemed to refresh her. She sighed
and then sneezed.
"Maybe she can walk herself," said the driver.
The door opened of itself, and Tom was in a dark,
dingy hall with a faint gas-jet like a ghostly eye to
guide him. The old man started up the stairs.
"Can you walk a bit?" Tom asked the old lady.
She nodded. Tom paid the driver and the door
closed behind him. It was a hard fight to conquer
the stairs, and Maria clung like a heavy bag round
her deliverer's neck; but on the third floor the old
man unlocked a door, walked in before them and lighted
a candle. He then sat himself down with his back
to them, pulled a grimy piece of newspaper out of his
pocket, and was apparently at once absorbed in reading.
The room was a wretched enough place. One of
the windows was stuffed with brown paper; a ragged
strip of carpet covered only a section of the cracked
and dirty boards. There was a grimy bed; the fireplace
was filled with rubbish.
Tom helped Maria on to the bed and looked about
him. Then in a sudden fit of irritation he went up
to the old man and shook him by the shoulder.
"Look here," he said. "This won't do. You've got
to do something for her. She may die in the night,
or anything. I'll fetch a doctor, if that's what you
want, or get something from the chemist's——"
"Oh! go to hell!" said the old man without turning.
An impulse of rage seized Tom, and he caught the
old man by the collar, swung him out of the chair,
shook him until he was breathless and coughing, then
said:
"Now be civil."
The old man collapsed on the bed near his sister,
struggled for breath, then screamed:
"You damned aristocrat! I'll have you up before
the courts for this; invading a man's peaceable
'ome——"
Then Maria unexpectedly interfered. She sat up,
smoothing her hair with her old trembling fingers. "I'm
sure," she said, in a mincing, apologetic voice, "that
we ought to be grateful to the gentleman, Andrew. If
it 'adn't been for him, I'm sure I don't know where
we'd 'ave been. It's your wicked temper you're always
losing. I've told you of it again and again—I'm much
better now, thank you, sir, and I'm sure I'm properly
grateful."
Tom looked around him, then back at the two old
people.
"What a filthy place," he said. "Haven't you got
anybody to look after you?"
"Me daughter run away with a musical gentleman,"
said Maria. "Me 'usband died of D.T.'s three years
back. Andrew and meself's alone now. We get the
Old Age Pension, and manage very nicely, thank you."
"Well, I'm coming back to-morrow," said Tom
fiercely, turning on the old man. "Do you hear that?"
"If yer do," said Andrew, "I'll 'ave the perlice after
you."
"Oh, no 'e won't," said Maria. "That's only 'is little
way. I'm sure we'll be pleased to see you."
Tom put some money on the bed and left.
Out in the street he paused. What was the matter
with him? He stood in the street looking up at the
Westminster Cathedral Tower and the thin sheeting
of sky now clear—a pale, boundless sea in which two
or three little stars were remotely sailing. What was
the matter with him?
He felt a strange stirring and trembling about him.
He had some of the pain and hurt that a man feels
when he is first revived from some drowning adventure.
But it was a pain and hurt of the soul, not of
the body. His heart beat expectantly, as though around
the corner of the lonely street a wonderful stranger
might suddenly be expected to appear. He even
strained his eyes against the shadows, piercing them
and finding only more shadows behind them.
He even felt tired and exhausted, as though he had
but now passed through a great emotional experience.
And all these sensations were clear and precious to
him. He treasured them, standing there, breathing
deeply, as though he were in new air of some high altitude.
The boom of Big Ben came suddenly across the
silence like a summoning voice across waste, deserted
country, and he went home....
When he awoke next morning he was aware that
something had happened to him, and he did not know
what it was. He lay there definitely beating back an
impulse to spring out of bed, hurry through his bath,
dress, and have breakfast, and then—what? He had
not felt such an impulse since his return from France,
and it could not be that he felt it now simply because
he had, last night, met two dirty, bedraggled old people
and helped them home.
He laughed. Sheraton, hanging his shirt on the
back of a chair, turned.
"Well, you're feeling better this morning, sir," he
said.
"Yes, I am," said Tom, "and I'm damned if I know
why." Nevertheless, although he did not know why,
before the morning was out he found himself once more
behind Victoria Street and climbing the stairs of
Porker's Buildings. He had strange experiences that
morning. To many they would have been disappointing.
The old man was silent: not a word would he
say. His attitude was one of haughty, autocratic superiority.
Maria disgusted Tom. She was polite,
cringing even, and as poisonous as a snake. She stated
her wants quite modestly: had it not been for her age
you would have thought her a typical image of the
down-trodden, subjected poor. Her eyes glittered.
"Well, you are a nasty old creature." Tom turned
from her and shook Andrew by the shoulder.
"Well?" said Andrew.
"There's nothing now I can do?" asked Tom.
"Except get out," said Andrew.
Another old woman came in—then a young man.
A fine specimen this last—a local prize-fighter, it appeared—chest
like a wall, thick, stumpy thighs, face
of a beetroot colour, nose twisted, ears like saucers. The
old woman, Maria's friend, was voluble. She explained
a great deal to Tom. She was used, it seemed, to speaking
in public. They could afford, she explained, to be
indifferent to the "Quality" now, because a time was
very shortly coming when they would have everything,
and the Quality nothing. It had happened far away
in Russia, and it was about to happen here. A good
thing too.... At last the poor people could appear
as they really were, hold their heads up. Only a month
or two....
"You're a Bolshevist," said Tom.
Long words did not distress the old lady. "A fine
time's coming," she said.
Maria did not refuse the food and the finery and the
money. "You think," said Tom, as a final word to
her old lady friend, "that I'm doing this because I'm
charitable, because I love you, or some nonsense of
that kind. Not at all. I'm doing it because I'm interested,
and I haven't been interested in anything for
months."
He arranged with the pugilist to be present at his
next encounter, somewhere in Blackfriars, next Monday
night.
"It's against the Bermondsey Chick," Battling Bill
explained huskily. "I've got one on him. Your
money's safe enough...."
Tom gave Maria a parting smile.
"I don't like you," he said, "and I can see that you
positively hate me, but we're getting along very
nicely...."
It is at this point that Claribel again takes up the
narrative. It was, of course, not many days before, in
Tom's own world, "What's happened to Tom?" was on
everyone's lips.
Claribel was interested as anyone, and she had, of
course, her own theories. These theories changed from
day to day, but the fact, patent to the world and beyond
argument, was that Tom was "Nobody" no
longer. Life had come back to him; he was eagerly,
passionately "out" upon some secret quest.
It amused Claribel to watch her friends and relations
as they set forth, determined to lay bare Tom's mystery.
Mrs. Matcham, who had her own very definite reasons
for not allowing Tom to escape, declared that of course
it was a "woman." But this did not elucidate the puzzle.
Had it been some married woman, Tom would
not have been so perfectly "open" about his disappearances.
He never denied for a moment that he disappeared;
he rather liked them to know that he did. It
was plainly nothing of which he was ashamed. He had
been seen at no restaurants with anyone—no chorus-girl,
no girl at all, in fact. Dollie Pym-Dorset, who was
a little sharper than the others, simply because she was
more determinedly predatory, declared that Tom was
learning a trade.
"He will turn up suddenly one day," she said, "as a
chauffeur, or an engineer, or a bootblack. He's trying
to find something to fill up his day."
"He's found it," Lucile cried with her shrill laugh.
"Whatever it is, it keeps him going. He's never in;
Sheraton declares he doesn't know where he goes. It's
disgusting...."
Old Lord Ferris, who took an indulgent interest in
all the Duddon developments because of his paternal
regard for Mrs. Matcham, declared that it was one of
these new religions. "They're simply all over the place;
a feller catches 'em as he would the measles. Why, I
know a chap...."
But no. Tom didn't look as though he had found a
new religion. He had made no new resolutions, dropped
no profanities, lost in no way his sense of humour. No,
it didn't look like a religion.
Claribel's convictions about it were not very positive.
She was simply so glad that he had become "Somebody"
again, and she had perhaps a malicious pleasure in the
disappointment of "the set." It amused her to see the
golden purse slipping out of their eager fingers, and
they so determined to stay it.
The pursuit continued for weeks. Everyone was
drawn into it. Even old Lord John Beaminster, who
was beset with debts and gout, stirred up his sister
Adela to see whether she couldn't "discover" something....
It was Henry Matcham who finally achieved the revelation.
He came bursting in upon them all. The secret
was out. Tom had turned "pi——" He was working
down in the East End to save souls.
The news was greeted with incredulity. "Tom soul-saving?
Impossible! Tom the cynic, the irreligious,
the despiser of dogma, the arbitrator of indifference—Incredible."
But Matcham knew. There could be no doubt. A
man he knew in Brooks's had a brother, a parson in an
East-End Settlement. The parson knew Tom well,
said he was always down there, in the men's clubs and
about the streets.
They looked at one another in dismay. Claribel
laughed to see them. What was to be done? Tom must
be saved, of course; but how? No plan could be evoked.
"Well, the first thing we must do," said Mrs. Matcham,
"is to get a plain statement from himself about it."
They sent Claribel as their ambassador, realising,
suddenly, that "she had some sense," and that Tom
liked her.
She told him, with a twinkle in her eye, what they
wanted.
"They're all very much upset by what you're doing,
Tom. They don't want to lose you, you see. They're
fond of you. And they don't think it can be good for
you being all the time with Bolsheviks and dirty foreigners.
You'll only be taken in by them, they think,
and robbed; and that they can't bear. Especially they
think that now after the war everyone ought to stand
together, shoulder to shoulder, you know, class by class.
That's the way Henry Matcham puts it.
"Of course, they admire you very much, what you're
doing—they think it very noble. But all this slumming
seems to them ... what did Dollie call it?... Oh,
yes, vieux jeu ... the sort of thing young men did in
the nineties, centuries ago. Oxford House, and all that.
It seems rather stupid to them to go back to it now, especially
when the war's shown the danger of Bolshevism."
Tom laughed. "Why, Carrie," he said, "how well
you know them!"
She laughed too. "Anyway," she said, "I know you
better than they do."
Tom agreed that it would be a very good thing for
them all to meet.
"They've got what's happened just a trifle wrong,"
he said. "It's only fair to clear things up."
They all appeared on the appointed day—Mrs.
Matcham, as president, in a lovely rose-coloured tulle
for which she was just a little too old, Hattie, Dollie,
Harwood Dorset, Henry Matcham, Pelham Duddon,
Morgraunt and Lucile, Dora, and of course Claribel.
The event had the appearance of one of the dear old
parties.
The flat was just as beautiful, the tea as sumptuous,
Sheraton as perfect. They hung around the same
chairs, the same table, in all their finery and beauty
and expense. They were as sure of conquest as they
had ever been.
Tom sat on the red leather top of the fire-guard and
faced them.
Mrs. Matcham led the attack.
"Now, dear old Tom," she said, in that cooing and
persuasive voice of hers, so well known and so well
liked; "you know that we all love you."
"Yes, I know you do," said Tom, grinning.
"We do. All of us. You've just been a hero, and
we're all proud to death of you. It's only our pride
and our love for you that allows us to interfere. We
don't want to interfere, but we do want to know what's
happening. Henry has heard that you're working down
in the East End, doing splendidly, and it's just like
your dear old noble self, but is it wise? Are you
taking advice? Won't those people down there do you
in, so to speak? I know that this is a time, of course,
when we've all got to study social conditions. No
thinking man or woman can possibly look round and not
see that there is a great deal ... a whole lot ...
well, anyway, you know what I mean, Tom. But is it
right, without consulting any of us, to go down to all
those queer people? They can't like you really, you
know. It's only for what they can get out of you, and
all that. After all, your own people are your own
people, aren't they, Tom dear?"
"I don't know." Tom looked up at her smiling.
"But I don't think that's exactly the point. They
may be or they may not.... Look here. You've got
one or two wrong ideas about this. I want you to have
the truth, and then we won't have to bother one another
any more. You talk about my working and being
noble, and so on. That's the most awful Tommy-rot.
I'll tell you exactly what happened. I came back from
France. At least, no, I didn't come back; but my body
came back, if you know what I mean. I stayed over
there. At least, I suppose that is what happened. I
didn't know myself what it was. I just know that I
didn't exist. You all used to come to tea here and be
awfully nice and so on, but I didn't hear a word any of
you said. I hope that doesn't sound rude, but I'm trying
to tell exactly what occurred. I didn't know what
was the matter with me—I wasn't anybody at all. I
was Nobody. I didn't exist; and I asked Sheraton, and
he didn't know either. And then, one night——"
Tom paused. The dramatic moment had come. He
knew the kind of thing that they were expecting, and
when he thought of the reality he laughed.
"One night—well, you won't believe me, I suppose,
if I tell you I was very unhappy—no, unhappy is too
strong—I was just nothing at all. You'd all been here
to tea, and I went out for a walk down Bond Street to
clear my head. It was raining and I found two old
things taking shelter under a wooden standing. The
old lady fainted while I was talking to them, and I saw
them home—And—well, that's all!"
"That's all!" cried Millie Matcham. "Do you mean,
Tom, that you fell in love with the old woman!"
Her laugh was shrill and anxious.
He laughed back. "Fell in love! That's just like
you, Millie. You think that love must be in it every
time. There isn't any love in this—and there isn't any
devotion, or religion, or high-mindedness, or trying to
improve them, or any of the things you imagine. On
the contrary, they hate me, and I don't think that I'm
very fond of them—except that I suppose one has a sort
of affection for anybody who's brought one back to life
again—when one didn't want to die!"
Henry Matcham broke in: "Tom, look here—upon
my word, I don't believe that one of us has the least
idea what you're talking about."
Tom looked around at them all and, in spite of himself,
he was surprised at the change in their faces. The
surprise was a shock. They were no longer regarding
him with a gaze of tender, almost proprietary, interest.
The eyes that stared at his were almost hostile, at any
rate suspicious, alarmed. Alarmed about what? Possibly
his sanity—possibly the misgiving that in a moment
he was going to do or say something that would
shock them all.
He realised as he looked at them that he had come,
quite unexpectedly, upon the crisis of his life. They
could understand it were he philanthropic, religious,
sentimental. They were prepared for those things;
they had read novels, they knew that such moods did
occur. What they were not prepared for, what they
most certainly would not stand, was exactly the explanation
that he was about to give them. That would insult
them, assault the very temple of their most sacred assurances.
As he looked he knew that if he now spoke
the truth he would for ever cut himself off from them.
They would regard his case as hopeless. It would be
in the future "Poor Tom."
He hated that—and for what was he giving them
up? For the world that distrusted him, disbelieved in
him, and would kill him if it could....
The Rubicon was before him. He looked at its
swirling waters, then, without any further hesitation, he
crossed it. He was never to return again....
"I'm sorry to disappoint you all," he said. "There's
no sentimental motive behind my action—no desire to
make any people better, nothing fine at all. It simply
is, as I've said already, that those two people brought
me back to life again. I don't know what, except that
I was suddenly interested in them. I didn't like them,
and they hated me. Now I've become interested in
their friends and relations. I don't want to improve
them. They wouldn't let me if I did. I came back
from France nobody at all. What happened there had
simply killed all my interest in life. And—I'm awfully
sorry to say it—but none of you brought my interest
back. I think the centre of interests changed. It's as
though there were some animal under the floor, and
the part of the room that he's under is the part that
you look at, because he's restless and it quivers. Well,
he's shifted his position, that's all. You aren't on the
interesting part of the floor any longer. I do hate to
be rude and personal—but you have driven me to it.
All of you are getting back to exactly what you were
before the war: there's almost no change at all! And
you're none of you interesting. I'm just as bad—but
I want to go where the interesting human beings are,
and there are more in the dirty streets than the clean
ones. In books like Marcella, years ago people went
out of their own class because they wanted to do 'good.'
I don't want to do good to anyone, but I do want to keep
alive now that I've come back to life again. And—that's
all there is to it," he ended lamely.
He had done as he had expected. He had offended
them all mortally. He was arrogant, proud, supercilious,
and a little mad. And they saw, finally, that
they had lost him. No more money for any of them.
"Well," said Henry Matcham at last, "if you want
to know, Tom, I think that's about the rottenest explanation
I've ever heard. Of course, you're covering
something up. But I'm sure we don't want to penetrate
your secret if you don't like us to."
"There isn't any secret." Tom was beginning to be
angry. "I tell you for the hundredth time I'm not
going to start soup kitchens, or found mission rooms, or
anything like that, but I don't want any more of these
silly tea-parties or perpetual revues, or—or——"
"Or any of us," Dollie, her cheeks flushed with angry
colour, broke in. "All Tom's been trying to explain to
us is that he thinks we're a dull lot, and the Bolsheviks
in the slums are more lively——"
"No," Tom broke in; "Dollie, that isn't fair. I
don't want to pick and choose according to class any
more. I don't want to be anything ever again with a
name to it—like a Patriot, or a Democrat, or a Bolshevik,
or an Anti-Bolshevik, or a Capitalist. I'm going
by Individuals wherever they are. I—Oh, forgive me,"
he broke off, "I'm preaching; I didn't mean to. It's a
thing I hate. But it's so strange—you none of you
know how strange it is—being dead, so that you felt
nothing, and minded nothing, and thought nothing, and
then suddenly waking——"
But they had had enough. Tommy was trying to
teach them. Teach them! And Tommy!...
They "must be going"—sadly, angrily, indignantly
they melted away. Tom was very sorry: there was
nothing to be done.
Only Claribel, taking his hand for a moment,
whispered:
"It's all right. They'll all come back later. They'll
be wanting things."
They were gone—all of them. He was alone in his
room. He drew back the curtains and looked down over
the grey misty stream of Duke Street scattered with the
marigolds of the evening lights.
He threw open a window, and the roar of London
came up to him like the rattle-rattle-rattle of a weaver's
shuttle.
He laughed. He was happier than he had ever been
before. The whole world seemed to be at his feet, and
he no longer wished to judge it, to improve it, to dictate
to it, to dogmatise it, to expect great things of it,
to be disappointed in it....
He would never do any of those things again.
He addressed it:
"I did passionately wish you to be improved," he
said, "but I didn't love you. Now I know you will never
be improved, but I love you dearly—all of you, not a
bit of you. Life simply isn't long enough for all I'm
going to see!"
XII BOMBASTES FURIOSO
That year, Nineteen-Nineteen, threw up to the
surface, because of the storm and disorder of
its successive tidal waves, many strange fish; and of all
that I encountered, the strangest, most attractive, and,
I venture to think, the most typical of our times and
their uncertainties, was my friend Bombastes Furioso—otherwise
Benedick Jones.
I should certainly never have met him had it not been
for Peter Westcott. Westcott, somewhere in the spring
of Nineteen-Nineteen, took for a time the very handsome
rooms of Robsart, the novelist, at Hortons in Duke
Street, St. James's. It was strange to see Peter in
those over-grand, over-lavish rooms. I had known him
first in the old days when his Reuben Hallard and
Stone House had taken London by storm, and when
everything seemed "set fair" for his future. Then
everything crumbled: his child died, his wife ran away
with his best friend, and his books failed. I didn't hear
of him again until Nineteen-Fifteen, when somebody
saw him in France. His name was mentioned on several
occasions through the terrible years, but nobody
seemed to know him well. He kept away, apparently,
from everybody. Then on the very day that the Armistice
was signed, I met him in the crowd about Whitehall,
looking just the same as in the old days—a little
older, a little stouter, stocky and resolved and aloof and
observant, in a world, as it had always seemed, to
which he only half belonged, a sailor on leave in a
country strange, dangerous, and interesting.
But this story is not about Westcott. To cut this
prologue short, then, he asked me to come and see him,
and I went to the magnificent Horton rooms, not once,
not twice, but many times. I had loved Peter in the
old days. I loved him much more now. The story of
those years of his life that immediately followed the
war is a wonderful story. I hope that one day he will
give it to the world; whether he does or no, I saw in
those summer months the beginning of the events that
were to lead him back to life again, to give him happiness
and self-confidence and optimism once more, to
make him the man he now is.
In the story of that recovery, Benedick Jones has
his share; but, I must repeat, this is Benedick Jones's
story and not Westcott's.
The first day that I saw Jones was one lovely evening
in April when Peter's (or rather, Robsart's) sitting-room
was lit with a saffron-purple glow, and the clouds
beyond the window were like crimson waves rolling
right down upon us across the pale, glassy sky. In the
middle of this splendour Jones stood, a whisky-and-soda
in one hand, and a large meerschaum pipe in the
other. He was, of course, orating about something.
The first thing that struck me was his size. It was
not only that he was well over six feet and broad in proportion,
but there seemed to be in his large mouth, his
great head with its untidy mop of yellow hair, his big,
red hands, a spiritual size as well. He gave one always
the impression of having more fire within his soul than
he could possibly manage....
He was fat, but not unpleasantly so. His clothes
were comfortably loose, but not disorderly. His stomach
was too prominent, but the breadth of his chest
saved him from unsightliness. His face was a full
moon, red, freckled, light yellow eyebrows, light yellow,
rather ragged moustache. He was always laughing—sometimes
when he was astonished or indignant.
He was forever in the middle of the room orating
somebody or something, and his favourite attitude was
to stand with his legs wide apart, a pipe or a glass or a
book in his extended hand, his body swaying a little
with the rhythm of his eager talk.
On this afternoon, I remember, he really seemed to
fill the room—words were pouring from his mouth in a
torrent, and I stood, stopped by this flood, at the door.
Westcott, lying back in a leather chair, smoking, listened,
a smile on his generally grave face, something
of the indulgent look in his eyes that one might give
to a favoured and excited child.
"Hullo, Lester!" he cried, jumping up. "Come
along—This is Captain Jones. Bomb, let me introduce
you to Mr. Lester. I told you to read To Paradise
years ago in France, but of course you never have."
"No, I never have," cried Jones, turning round upon
me very suddenly, seizing my hand and shaking it up
and down like the handle of a pump. "How do you do!
How do you do! I'm just delighted to see you. I
don't read much, you know. Better for me if I read
more. But I've got to take exercise. I'm getting fat."
Then he wheeled round again. "But, Peter," he went
on, suddenly taking a great draught from his glass, "it
was the most extraordinary thing—I swear it was just
as I'm telling you—the girl gave the man a look, spat
at him, and ran for her life. There were three men
after her then, one a vicious-looking little devil——"
I sat down in the chair nearest to me and listened.
I heard a most astonishing story. I'm afraid that I
cannot remember at this distance of time all the details
of it: it had murder in it, and rape and arson and every
sort of miraculous escape, and apparently, so far as I
could make it out, Jones had been a spectator of all
that he described. There were discrepancies in his narrative,
I remember, about which I should have liked to
question him, but the words came out so fast, and the
narrator's own personal conviction in the reality of his
story was so absolute, that questions seemed an impertinence.
He stopped at last, wiped his brow, collapsed
upon a chair, finished his whisky with a great sucking
smack of approval, dug his fingers into the bowl of his
pipe, struck matches that were, one by one, ineffective,
and lay scattered about him on the floor, and then
smiled at me with a beaming countenance.
"That's a very good story, Bomb," said Peter.
"Story!" cried Captain Jones, contemptuously.
"That ain't no story. That's God's own truth—every
word of it." He looked at me smiling all over his face.
"I've had some very remarkable experiences," he
said.
"You must have had," I answered.
He did not, I think, on this occasion, stay very long.
When he had departed I looked at Westcott interrogatively.
"That's a prince of a man," said Peter enthusiastically.
"I don't know where I'd have been without him
in France. Everyone loved him there, and they were
right."
"What an experience he must have had there," I said,
a little breathless.
"Oh, that!" said Peter laughing. "That was all lies
from beginning to end."
"Lies!" I exclaimed.
"Yes," said Westcott. "He's known among his
friends as Bombastes Furioso. That's an unfair name,
really, to give him, because he's gentle as any suckling
dove, and all his wonderful stories are about somebody
else's great deeds, never about his own. Young Harper
was saying the other day that if only he would
tell of some of his stories about himself, his lies wouldn't
be so tremendous, but his natural modesty prevents him.
He's a dear fellow, and the biggest liar in Europe."
"Well, of course," I said, rather doubtfully, "if he
always tells lies it isn't so bad. You know that you need
never believe him. It's the half-and-half liars that are
so tiresome——"
"No," Peter interrupted. "That isn't quite fair.
Lies isn't the true word. He's all imagination—far
more imagination than either you or I will ever have,
Lester. He simply can't write it down. If he could
he would be the greatest novelist of our time. I used
to tell him to try, but I've given that up now. He
can't string three sentences together. He can't write
an ordinary letter without misspelling every other word.
He never reads anything—that's why his imagination is
so untrammelled. And it isn't all untrue either. He
has been all the world over—South Seas, Africa, China,
South America, Russia, anywhere you like. All sorts
of wonderful things have happened to him, but it isn't
the real things he cares to tell of."
"Does he know he's lying?" I asked.
"Not the least in the world," Peter answered, laughing.
"And I fancy he'd be most indignant if you accused
him of it. And the really strange thing is that
no one ever does accuse him. I can't remember that a
single man in France ever challenged his stories, and
they'd pull anyone else up in a moment. You see, he
never does any harm. He's the most generous soul alive,
thinks the best of everybody, and all his stories go to
prove that people are better than they ever possibly
could be. I confess, Lester, I have him here deliberately
because he feeds my imagination. I'm beginning
to feel that I may get back to writing again, and
if I do it will be Bomb that will be responsible."
"How did he do in France?" I asked.
"Very well," Peter said. "But he never got the
jobs that he ought to have had. Fellows distrusted
him for responsible duty. They needn't have: he is
as efficient as he can be. His inventive fancy only
works over ground that he's never covered. In his own
job he's an absolute realist."
"Is he married?" I asked.
"No. I don't think that women have much use for
him. He doesn't appeal to them. They like to have
the story-telling field to themselves. He's a man's man
absolutely. He had a pal in France to whom he was
entirely devoted, and when the boy was killed I think
something cracked in him that's not been mended since.
He's a colossal sentimentalist: cynicism and irony make
him sick. He thinks I'm a desperate cynic—so I am,
perhaps...."
Well, I saw a lot of Bomb Jones. He loved Westcott
more than I did, and admired him frantically. He
knew, too, something about Westcott's many troubles,
and the maternal spirit that is in every Englishman and
Scotchman came out beautifully in his attitude to him.
His stories soon became part of the pattern of one's life,
and by no means the least interesting part. I quickly
understood why it was that his friends allowed him to
pursue his wild, untrammelled way without rudely pulling
him up. In the first place, truth and fiction were
curiously mingled. He had lived in San Francisco
for a number of years, and many of his tales were
drawn from that romantic city. He had obviously
known well such men as Frank Norris and Jack London,
and he had been in the place during the earthquake
and fire. His picture of Caruso running out of his
hotel in his night-shirt was a masterly one. He knew
Russia well, had had tea with Witte, in the old days,
and had once dined with Rasputin. He had shared
in the Boxer rising, run for his life in Constantinople,
and helped a revolution in Guatemala; and so on, and
so on....
But as I have said, about his actual experiences he
had very little to say. It was his fairy stories, his
fantastic, fabricated romances, that gave him his remarkable
quality—and it was about London that these
were mostly invented. I say invented—but were they
invented or no?
There will, I think, be more men and women than
anyone now supposes who will look back to that year
Nineteen-Nineteen in London as a strangely fantastic
one. You might say with some justice that the years
during the war, with their air-raids and alarms and
excursions, newspaper rumours, and train-loads of
wounded and dying at Charing Cross station, must have
been infinitely more moving—I think not. In those
years, at any rate the stage was set for a play in which
we must all, as we knew, act our parts. That year that
followed the Armistice was uncanny, uncertain, unaccountable.
Many reports there were about cities during
war time—none at all, so far as we knew, about cities
just after war. London, contrary to all prophesy, was
just twice as full after the war as it had been before
it; there was nowhere to live, little place even for
sleeping. Everyone who had had money had lost it—many
who had been notoriously penniless now were
rich. London was moving uncertainly into some new
life whose forlorn form no one could foretell, and we
were all conscious of this, and all, perhaps, frightened
of it.
It was just this upon which Bomb Jones unwittingly
seized. I say "unwittingly," because he was the least
self-conscious of men, and the things that came to him
arrived without any deliberate agency on his part—his
stories and anecdotes rising to his lips as naturally and
inevitably as the sun rises above the hill. He did not,
I think, care for me very greatly: I was dried up, desiccated
with a humour that he could only find morbid
and cynical.
He had too fine and open a nature to suffer greatly
from jealousy, but I fancy that he very much preferred
to be alone with Peter, and sighed a little when I made
an appearance.
He very soon found himself most happily at home
with all the staff of Hortons. Even Mr. Nix, the sacred
and rubicund head of the establishment, liked him, and
listened, wide-eyed, to his stories. Mr. Nix had met
so many strange characters in London and seen so many
odd sights that a story less or more did not affect him
very deeply.
Certainly Captain Jones flung his net with greater
success than was the general rule; never a day passed
but he returned with some strange prize.
It was amusing to see them together in the green hall
downstairs, with the grandfather clock ticking away at
them sarcastically. The little man, round as a ball,
neat and dapper, efficient, his bowler hat a little on one
side of his head; Jones, his great legs apart, his red face
ablaze with excitement, his large hands gesticulating.
They were great friends.
In spite of his withdrawal from me, he continued to
tell me his stories. I began to find it an amusing game
to divide the true from the false. This was a difficult
task, because he had a great love of circumstantial detail.
He would begin—"Lester, what do you think of
this? An hour ago I was going down John Street,
Adelphi. You know the place behind the Strand there
where the Little Theatre used to be. You know there's
an alley there cutting up into the Strand. They sell
fruit there. Well, I was just climbing the steps when
I heard a woman's voice cry out for help. I looked
back; there was not a soul there—the street was as
empty as your hand. I heard the cry again, and there
was a woman's face at the open window. As I looked
she vanished. I ran back to the door of the house——"
Now this may appear somewhat commonplace. How
many stories in how many magazines have begun with
just such an incident? This, you would say, is the
cheapest invention. Not quite. Jones had always some
unexpected circumstantial detail that clamped his tale
down as his own. I think that he was, in reality, on
certain occasions involved in fights and quarrels that
were actual enough. I have seen him with a black
eye, and again with a long scratch down his cheek, and
once with a torn hand. But what he did was to create
behind him a completely new vision of the London scene.
One could not listen to his stories for long without seeing
London coloured, blazing with light, sinister with
calculated darkness, ringed about with gigantic buildings
that capped the clouds, inhabited by beings half
human, half magical, half angel, half beast.
I remember when I was young and credulous, getting
something of this impression from The New Arabian
Nights, but for me, at any rate, Stevenson never quite
joined the flats. I was never finally taken in by his
invention, but felt to the last that he was having a
game with me. Bomb Jones's eloquence had the advantage
over the written word of being direct and personal.
Although you might be sure that what he was
telling you was not true, nevertheless you felt that behind
his stories some facts must be lying. I know that
soon I began to discover that London was changing
under my eyes. My own drab and dull flat in Kensington
took a romantic glow. I would look from my
window down the long street to the far distance filled
by the solemn blocks of the museum, and would imagine
that the figures that crossed the grey spaces were busied
on errands about which fates of empires might hang—ludicrous
for a man of my age who might be said to
have experienced all the disillusionment of life. Well,
ludicrous or no, I walked the streets with a new observation,
a new expectation, a new pleasure, and to Bomb
Jones I owed it.
However, it is not of his effect on myself that I want
to speak. I was too far gone for any very permanent
revival. It was Jones's effect on Peter that was the
important thing. I saw that a new life, a new interest,
a new eagerness was coming into Peter's life. He
laughed at Jones, but he liked him and listened to him.
Gradually, slowly, as stealthily as, after the rains, the
water creeps back over the dry bed of the sun-baked
river, so did Peter's desire for life come back to him.
"I know that Bomb's stories are all nonsense," he
said to me. "A hundred times a day I'm tempted to
break out and ask him how he dares to put such stuff
over on us, but, after all, there may be something in it.
Do you know, Lester, I can't go through Leicester
Square without wondering whether a murderer isn't
coming out of the Turkish Baths, an Eastern Prince
out of 'Thurston's,' or the Queen of the Genii peeping
at me from a window of the Alhambra! I've tried several
times to get back into things here. I tried the
Vers Librists, and I tried the drunkards down in
Adelphi, and I've tried the Solemn Ones up in Hampstead,
and the good commonplace ones in Kensington,
and it was all no use until Bomb came along. I hope
to Heaven he won't stop his stories for another month
or two. There's a book beginning to move in my head—again,
after ten years! Just think of it, Lester!
Dead for ten years—I never thought it would come back,
and now Bomb and his stories——"
"It's all right," I said. "He'll never stop till he
dies."
But I'd reckoned without one thing—something that
had never entered my poor brain, and, as always happens
in life, it was the one thing that occurred—Bomb fell
in love.
It is, of course, a commonplace that you can never
discover the reasons that drive human beings towards
one another—even the good old law of the universal
attraction of opposite for opposite does not always hold
good, but I may say that both Peter and I had the surprise
of our lives when we discovered that Bomb Jones
cared for Helen Cather. Helen was a friend of Bobby
Galleon's, who was a friend of Peter's. Alice Galleon,
Bobby's wife, had been with her on some War Committee,
and the orderliness of her mind, her quiet when
the other women were pushing and quarrelling, her clean
serenity upon which nothing, however violent, seemed
to make the slightest stain, appealed to Alice. She
took Helen home to dinner, and discovered that she was
a very well-read, politically-minded, balanced woman.
"Too blamed balanced for me," said Bobby, who believed
in spontaneity and rash mistakes and good red
blood. He thought, however, that she would be good
for Peter, so he took her to see him. Helen and Peter
made friends, and this in itself was odd, because Helen
at once asserted that all Peter's ideas about modern
literature were wrong. She said that Peter was a
Romantic, and that to be a Romantic in these days was
worse than being dead. She talked in her calm, incisive,
clear-cut way about the Novel, and said that the
only thing for any novelist to do to-day was to tell the
truth; and when Peter asked her whether invention
and imagination were to go for nothing, she said that
they went for very little, because we'd got past them
and grown too old for them; and Peter said thank God
he hadn't and never would, and he talked about Stevenson
and Dumas until Helen was sick.
She dug up Peter's poor old novels, and disembowelled
their corpses and praised Miss Somebody or other
Smith's who wrote only about what it felt like to be
out of a job on a wet day when you had only enough
money in your pocket to eat a boiled egg in an A.B.C.
shop.
"You're sentimental, Westcott," she said, "and you're
sloppy and worst of all, you're sprightly. You've no
artistic conscience at all."
Peter laughed at her and liked her, and she liked
him. I don't think that I was at all taken with my
first view of her. She was thin and pale, with pince-nez
and a very faint moustache on her upper lip. Her best
feature was her eyes, which were good, grey, steady,
kindly, and even at times they twinkled. She was
neatness and tidiness itself, and she sat in her chair,
quite still, her hands folded on her lap, and her neat
little shoes crossed obstinately in front of her.
I shall never, of course, forget the day when she first
met Bomb. It was one evening in Peter's flat. A
number of people sat about talking, smoking and drinking.
The Galleons were there, Maradick, large and
red-faced, an old friend of Peter's, Robin Trojan and
his wife, and so on. Bomb was late. He burst into
the room, large, untidy and, as usual, excited.
"I say," he began at once. "I've just come from
Penter's. There's been a fellow there who's the most
remarkable man I've ever seen. He's going round
England with a circus, and three of his elephants escaped
this afternoon and were found examining Cleopatra's
Needle half an hour ago and being fed with
buns by a lot of street boys. This chap wasn't a bit
alarmed, and said they'd be sure to turn up at Howarton
or somewhere where he's got his circus, if he gave
them time. He says that one of the elephants is the
most intelligent——"
Now this story happened, as we discovered in the
morning, to be quite, or almost, true, but you can fancy
how Helen Cather was struck with it.
"Elephants!" she said, turning round upon him.
"Oh, you don't know one another," said Peter, hastily.
"Bomb, this is Miss Cather. Miss Cather—Captain
Jones."
Bomb has since declared that he fell in love with
his Helen at first sight. Why? I can't conceive.
There was nothing romantic about her. She certainly
looked upon him on that first occasion with eyes of
extreme disapproval. Everything about him must have
seemed dreadful to her. "A red-hot liar," she described
him to Alice Galleon afterwards. I remember on that
very evening wishing that he had stopped for a moment
before he came into the room and tidied himself up a
little. His hair wasn't brushed, his face was hot and
perspiring, his waistcoat was minus a button, and his
boots were soiled. He didn't care, of course, but sat
down quite close to Miss Cather, smiled upon her, and
poured into her ears all that evening a remarkable
series of narratives, each one more tremendous than the
last.
Peter was amused. Next day he said: "Wasn't it
fun seeing Helen Cather and Bomb together? Fire
and water. She thought he'd drunk too much, I presume.
She can look chilly when she likes, too."
It was not more than three days after this eventful
meeting that the great surprise was sprung upon
me.
I had been given two tickets for the first night of
Arnold Bennett's Judith. We arrived late, and it was
not until the first interval that Peter could deliver
to me his astounding news.
"What do you think has happened?" he cried. "I
give you three guesses, but you may as well resign at
once. If I gave you a hundred, you'd never guess."
"What is it?" I asked.
"Bomb is in love with Helen Cather."
I was, of course, incredulous.
"But that's absurd," I answered; "that's worse than
any of Bomb's best stories."
"It's true, all the same," he assured me. "He came
in this afternoon. He can think of nothing else. His
stories have for the moment all deserted him. He told
me that he's been awake three nights thinking of her.
He says that he loved her the first moment he saw her.
He says that he's never loved a woman before, which is,
I expect, true enough, and that he's going to marry
her."
"Well, that last isn't true, anyway," I answered.
"Miss Cather hated him at first sight."
My impression that night was that this was simply
one of Bomb's exuberant, romantic fancies, and that it
would pass away from his heart and brain as quickly
as many of his stories had done. I was, of course,
completely wrong.
He said very little about it to me, because he didn't
like me, and was less naturally himself with me, I think,
than with anyone. But he talked to everyone else,
and to Peter he never ceased pouring out his soul.
A week later he proposed to her. She refused him,
of course. He was not in the least disturbed. He
would propose to her again very shortly, and then again
and again to the end of time....
I fancied, however, that that first refusal would he
the end of it.
He would see in a little how absurd his pursuit was,
and would abandon it. I must confess that I looked
forward to that abandonment. This sudden passion
had not from my point of view, improved him. It
made him a little absurd, and it had checked absolutely
for the moment the flow of his stories. I was surprised
to find how seriously I missed them.
Then one morning my telephone rang, and, answering
it, I recognised Miss Cather's voice.
"May I come and have tea with you this afternoon?"
she asked.
"Why, of course," I answered. "I'll be delighted.
Whom shall I invite?"
"Nobody," she answered. "I want to talk to you."
I was flattered and pleased. Any widower of over
fifty is pleased when any woman wants to come and
have tea with him alone. Besides, I liked Miss Cather—liked
her surprisingly. In the first place, she liked
me, found my mind "truly realistic" and my brain well
balanced. But in reality I liked her, I think, because
I was beginning to discover in her a certain freshness
and childishness and even naïveté of soul which I had
certainly not expected at first. But seriousness and
balance and austerity of manner did not go nearly as
deep as it pretended. She knew not nearly as much
about life as she herself fancied.
When she came she had some difficulty in beginning.
At last it was out. Captain Jones had proposed to her.
Of course, it was quite absurd, and of course, she had
refused him. He didn't know her at all, and she knew
quite enough about him to be sure that they would never
get on. Nevertheless—nevertheless—What did I—did
I know?—At least, what she meant was that she liked
Captain Jones, had liked him from the beginning, but
there were certain things about him that puzzled her—Now
I knew him well. Would I tell her?
"I don't know him well," I interrupted her. "That's
a mistake—we're not intimate at all, but I do know
him well enough to be sure that he's a good man. He's
a splendid man!" I ended with perhaps a little more
enthusiasm than I had myself expected.
She talked a little more, and then I challenged her.
"The fact of the matter is, Miss Cather," I said,
"that you're in love with him and intend to marry him."
At this she shook her head indignantly. No, that
was not true at all. She did not love him—of course
she did not. But there was something about him—difficult
for her to describe—his childishness, his simplicity—he
needed looking after—Oh, he did need looking
after!
As she said that the whole of the sweetness that was
in her nature shone in her eyes and made her austere,
unyielding, almost plain as she was, for the moment
divine.
"Of course you're going to marry him," I repeated.
She shook her head, but this time less surely.
Then, looking me full in the face, and speaking with
great solemnity as though she were uttering a profound
and supremely important truth, she remarked:
"Any woman who did marry him would have to stop
that lying."
"Lying!" I repeated feebly.
"Yes, lying—the stories he tells."
"But they aren't lies," I said. "At least, not
exactly."
She emptied then all the vials of her wrath upon my
head. Not lies? And what were they then? What
were those romances if they were not lies? Was I trying
to defend lies in general or only Captain Jones's
lies in particular? Did I not realise the harm that he
did with his stories? What had we all been about that
we had not pulled him up long ago?
"Can't you conceive it as possible, Miss Cather," I
asked her, "that lies should occasionally do good rather
than harm? I don't mean really bad lies, of course—lies
told to hurt people—but gorgeous lies, magnificent
lies; lies that keep your sense of fantasy, your
imagination alive; lies that paint your house a fairy
palace and your wife a goddess?"
"I don't know what you're talking about, Mr. Lester,"
she answered me. "I must confess I'm disappointed
in you, but I suppose one never knows with a novelist—But
never mind—thank you for your tea—I can
only assure you that any woman who marries Captain
Jones will have to reform him first. Good-night."
Even after this I did not realise the situation that
was upon us. I saw now what I had not seen before,
that she did, in truth, care for Bomb Jones—that that
same affection would affect all our lives I had not yet
perceived. Then, two days later, came the next development.
I was sitting in Peter's flat waiting for his return,
when Bomb burst in. He was a creature transfigured,
whether by triumph or rage I could not immediately
tell. He stood there, out of breath, swelling out his
chest, struggling for words, panting. At last they
came.
"Where's Peter? Oh, where's Peter? Not back.
But he must be back. It's always his time to be here
just now. He must be here! Lester, I'm dumbfounded.
I've no strength left in me. I'm finished. What do
you think? Oh, but you'll never guess—you
couldn't——"
"Miss Cather's accepted you," I interrupted.
"How did you know? How the devil——" He
stared at me as though his eyes were struggling with an
unaccustomed light—"Well, she has, if you want to
know, and that's remarkable enough, but that's not the
only thing—She—she——"
He paused, then flung it at me with the strangest
burst of mingled rage, incredulity, bewilderment, and
wonder—"She says I'm a liar!"
He looked at me, waiting.
"A liar?" I feebly repeated.
"A liar! She says she'll only marry me on one condition—that
I stop my lying. When she first said it I
thought she was laughing at me, then I suddenly saw
that she was in the deadliest earnest. I asked her what
she meant. She said that she couldn't conceive that I
didn't know, that I must know, how wicked it was to
tell the untruthful stories that I did, the harm that they
worked and so on. I! A liar! I!—Why, you might
say it about some fellows, but about me!... Why,
Lester, she simply didn't believe that I'd had any of
the fun, been to any of the places, seen anything....
Of course, I see what it is. She's never been anywhere,
seen anything herself. Everything's strange to her.
But to say that everyone knew I was a liar.... Lester,
tell me. You've been about. You know I'm not
a liar, don't you?"
His astonishment was the most genuine thing I'd
ever faced. I admit that I was staggered by it. I
had not, of course, supposed that he had deliberately
said to himself: "Now to-day I'm going to tell a lie
so as to astonish those fellows," but I had imagined
that he knew quite well it had not all been true.
But here, in the face of his most ingenuous astonishment,
what was I to say?
"No, Jones, of course not—lies is the wrong word
altogether, but I do think that sometimes you've exaggerated."
He stared at me.
"Do they all think that?"
"Well, yes, they do——"
He resembled then nothing so much as a balloon from
which the air has suddenly been withdrawn. He sat
down.
"My God," he said, suddenly dropping his head between
his great red hands. "It's true then."
It was at that moment that I saw the catastrophe
that was upon us. I saw what Bomb would be without
his tales: he would be dull, ordinary, colourless—nothing.
The salient thing, the life, the salt, the savour
would be withdrawn from him. And not only Bomb,
but all of us—myself, Peter, young Gale, Alice Galleon,
even Maradick. I saw, by my own experience, how we
should suffer. I saw slipping away from under my
very nose the whole of that magical world that Bomb
had created; and above all, that magical London, the
fairy palaces, the streets paved with gold, the walls of
amethyst; the dark, shuttered windows opened for an
instant to betray the gleaming, anxious eyes; the bearded
foreigner conveying his sacred charge through the traffic
of Trafalgar Square; the secrets and mysteries of the
Bond Street jewellers.... I saw all that and more.
But, after all, that was not the heart of the matter. We
could get on without our entertainment; even Peter
had been brought to life again whether Bomb went on
with him or no. The tragedy was in Bomb's own soul;
Helen Cather was slaying him as surely as though she
stuck a dagger into his heart. And she did not know it—She
did not know that she was probably marrying him
for that very energy of imagination that she was bent
upon destroying. Only, months after she had married
him, she would discover, with a heavy and lifeless Bomb
upon her hands, what it was that she had done.
"Look here, Jones," I said. "Don't take it too seriously.
Miss Cather didn't know what she was saying.
Don't you promise her anything. She'll forget——"
"Don't promise her!" He looked up at me wildly.
"I have promised her! Of course I have—Don't I
love her? Didn't I love her the first moment that I saw
her? I'm never going to tell anyone about anything
again."
Well, all my worst anticipations were at once fulfilled.
You may think that this story is about a very small
affair, but I ask you to take some friend of yours and
be aware that he is in process, before your eyes, of dying
from some slow poison skilfully administered by someone.
You may not in the beginning have cared very
greatly for the man, but the poignancy of the drama
is such that before long you are drawn into the very
heart of it; it is like a familiar nightmare; you are held
there paralysed, longing to rush in and prevent the murder
and unable to move.
In no time at all I had developed quite an affection
for Jones, so pathetic a figure was he.
Beneath the stern gaze of his beloved Helen ("not
quite of Troy," as someone said of her) he became a
commonplace, dull, negligible creature, duller, save for
the pathos of his position, than human. Very quickly
we lost any sense of chagrin or disappointment at our
own penalties in the absorption of "longing to do something
for Bomb." Again and again we discussed the
affair. Bomb's soul must be saved; but how? Before
our eyes a tragedy was developing. In another month
they would be married; Helen Cather would marry the
greatest bore in Europe, and about six months after
marriage would discover that she had done so.
Bomb was already miserable, sitting there silent and
morose, his tongue-tied, adoring Helen, but saying nothing
to her lest he should be accused of "romancing."
At last Peter insisted that I should speak to her—she
liked me better than she did the others—she would
listen to me. Needless to say, she did not. Not only
did she not listen, but turned on me ferociously.
"I'm proud of Benedick!" she cried. "I've cured
him of the only fault he had. If you think I'm going
to turn him back into a liar again, Mr. Lester, just
for the entertainment of yourself and your friends,
you're greatly mistaken. You have a strange notion
of morality."
She was proud, but she was uneasy. She realised
that he was not happy, that, in one way or another,
the spring had gone out of him—yes, thank God, she
was uneasy.
Well, there was the situation. There was apparently
nothing to be done, no way out. This is simply the
story, after all, of our blindness. Just as we had not
seen the influence that was to check our Bomb, so we
did not see the influence that would make his fancy
flow again. It's a wonderful world, thank God!
About a week before the wedding Peter Westcott said
to me:
"Lester, don't you think that Bomb's reviving a little
again?" I fancied I had seen something. Bomb was
a little brighter, a little less heavy ... yes, I had
noticed.
"His fancy is being fed again somewhere," said Peter
again. "Where? He tells us no stories."
No, he certainly did not. His determination to
achieve perfect accuracy was painful. It was a case
of——
"Where have you been, Bomb?"
"Oh, just down to the bank to cash a cheque. The
Joint Stock branch in Wigmore Street. I took a bus
up Regent Street and got off at the Circus——" and so
on, and so on.
Nevertheless, he was reviving. The Old Man was
being blown back into him just as surely as one prick of
Helen Cather's determination had let it out. Where
was he feeding his imagination? How had he got
round his Helen's autocracy without her knowing it?
Because she did not know. She was completely satisfied—she
was even more than satisfied, she was—— I
watched her. Something was happening to her, too.
She was dressing differently. Her austerity was dropping
from her. She did her hair in a new way, no
longer pulling it back, harsh and austere, from her
forehead, but letting it have freedom and colour. She
had very pretty hair....
She was wearing bright colours and pretty hats....
What was happening?
The day came when the problem was solved. Bomb's
old mother came up to town, a dear old lady of nearly
eighty, who adored Bomb and thought him perfection.
She came up for the wedding. She was to see Helen
for the first time. It was agreed that the meeting
should be at Hortons, a nice, central spot. We were
gathered there waiting—old Mrs. Jones with her lace
cap and bright pink cheeks, Peter, Bomb, and myself.
Helen was late.
"You know, Benedick," said the old lady in a voice
like a withering canary, "you've told me very little
about Helen. I've no real idea of her at all."
A moment's pause, and Bomb had sprung to his feet.
Peter and I, spiritually, so to speak, rushed towards
one another. This was the old attitude. We had not
seen Bomb stand like this, his legs spread apart, his
chest out, his eyes flashing, for weeks. The old attitude,
the old voice, the old Bomb.
"Helen, mother!" he cried, and he was off.
The picture that he drew! It was about as much
like the real Helen Cather as the Venus de Milo is
like Miss Mary Pickford in the pictures; but it was a
glorious picture, the portrait of a goddess, a genius, a
Sappho. The phrases tumbled from his lips in the
good old way—it was all the old times come back again.
And how his imagination worked! How magnificently
he flung his colours about, with what abandon he
splashed and sprawled! For a breathless ten minutes
we listened.
"Dear me," said old Mrs. Jones, "I do hope she's a
good girl as well."
For myself I sat there entranced. The old Bomb was
not lost. He had found, or Fate had found him, a
safe outlet after all. He could see Helen as before he
had seen the whole world, and it would do for him as
well. His soul was saved.
The one question that now remained was how would
Helen take this glorification of herself? Would she
not resent it as deeply as she had resented the earlier
"lies"?
On the answer to that question hung the whole of
the future of their married life.
I was soon to have my answer. Helen came in. I
did not perceive that old Mrs. Jones felt very deeply
the contrast between reality and her son's picture. Her
son was all that she saw.
He took her home. I walked away with Helen. Before
we parted she turned to me. Happiness was
burning in her face.
"Mr. Lester," she said, "you've been a good friend
to both of us. You were all wrong about Benedick,
but I know that you meant it well." She hesitated a
little. "I'm terribly happy, almost too happy to be safe.
Of course, I know that Benedick is a little absurd about
me, has rather an exaggerated idea of me. But that's
good for me, really it is. Nobody ever has before, you
know, and it's only Benedick who's seen what I really
am. I knew that I had all sorts of things in me that
ought to come out, but no one encouraged them. Everyone
laughed at them. But Benedick has seen them,
and I'm going to be what he sees me. I feel free!
Free for the first time in my life! You don't know
how wonderful that is!"
She pulled the bright purple scarf more closely over
her shoulders.
"We've done something for one another, he and I,
really, haven't we? He's freed me, and I—well, I've
stopped those terrible untruths of his in spite of you all.
I don't believe he'll ever tell a lie again! Good-night.
We'll see lots of you after we're married, won't we?
Oh, we're going to be so happy——"
"Yes—now I believe you are," I answered.
"What do you mean, now?" she asked. "Didn't you
always think so?"
"There was a moment when I wasn't sure," I said.
"But I was wrong. You're going to be splendidly
happy."
And so they are....
Transcriber's Note
A few obvious typographical and punctuation errors have been corrected.
All other text has been retained.