“I LOVE this window,” said Antonia, walking down the drawing-room; “and
this one. They both look over the moors, you see. This view is even
lovelier.” She stopped at the end of the long room, and the young man
with the pale face and the limping step followed and looked out of the
third window with her. “But—I don’t know why—I hate it. I wish it
weren’t here.”
Captain Saltonhall looked out and said nothing.
“I wonder if you see what I mean,” said Antonia.
“No; I don’t. I like it.” The young man spoke gently and with something
of a drawl, unimpressed, apparently, by her antipathy and putting up the
back of a placid forefinger to stroke along the edge of his moustache.
“One gets the hills, peaceful and silvery; one gets the walled garden
and the cedar,” she enumerated.
“The little pond with its fountain is as serene as a happy dream. It’s
all like a happy dream. Yet—I wish there weren’t this window here.”
“You could wall it up if you don’t like it,” Captain Saltonhall
suggested, his eyes, as he stood behind her, turning from the walled
garden beneath to fix themselves with a rather sad attentiveness upon
the head of the young woman. Her dark hair was near him and the curve of
her cheek; he thought that he felt against his the warmth of her
shoulder in its thin black dress.
She looked out, motionless, for a little while; then, turning suddenly,
as if with impatience of her thoughts, found him so near, and his eyes
on hers. She, too, was pale and tall; but all in her was soft, splendid,
and almost opulent, while he was sharp-edged and wasted. He looked much
the older, though they were of the same age; both, indeed, were very
young.
He did not move away as she faced him nor did his look alter. Sad and
attentive, it merely remained attached upon her, and if he felt any
nervousness it showed itself only in the slight gesture of his
forefinger passing meditatively along the edge of his moustache. It was
she who spoke. “Well, Bevis?” she said gravely. Her look asked: “Have
you anything to tell me?”
“Well, Tony,” he returned. He had, apparently, nothing to say.
She studied him for a moment longer, and then, with an added
impatience—if anything so soft could so be called—walking away to an
easy-chair before the fire, she said, “You think me very silly, I
suppose.”
“Silly? Why?”
“Because of the window. My hating it.”
He came and leaned on the back of her chair, looking across her head up
at the mantelpiece where a row of white fritillaries stood in tall
crystal glasses, their reflections showing as if through a film of
sea-water in the ancient mirror behind them. There had been white
fritillaries among the flagged paths of the walled garden, and, finding
them again, he recognized that they had been the only things he had felt
uncanny there; for he had always felt them wraith-like flowers.
“I think you’d better wall it up, quite seriously, if you really hate
it.” He repeated his former suggestion. “It would rather spoil the room.
But I wouldn’t, if I were you, live with a discomfort like that—if it’s
really a discomfort.”
The young woman beneath him laughed, a little sadly, if lightly. “How
you suspect me.”
“Of what, pray?”
“Oh—of unconscious humbug; of unconscious posing. Of induced emotions
generally. It’s always been the same.”
“I rather like induced emotions in you,” said Captain Saltonhall. “They
suit you. They are like the colour of a pomegranate or the taste of a
mulberry or the smell of a branch of flowering hawthorn; something rich,
thick, and pleasingly oppressive.”
“Thanks. I don’t take it as a compliment.”
“I don’t mean it as one. I merely said I liked it in you; and if I do
it’s only because I’m in love with you.”
He lowered his eyes now from the fritillaries to watch the very faint
colour that rose, very slowly, in her cheek. It could hardly be called
a response. It was merely an awareness. And after a moment she said,
still with her soft impatience: “Do come and sit where I can see you.
It’s bad for your leg to stand too long, I’m sure.”
He obeyed her, limping to a chair on the opposite side of the fireplace,
laying his hands on either arm as he lowered himself with some little
awkwardness. He was not yet accustomed to the complicated mechanical
apparatus, the artificial leg, that, always, he felt hang so heavily
about his thigh.
Antonia Wellwood’s dark eyes watched him, with solicitude, it seemed,
rather than tenderness; though indeed their very shape—the outer
corners drooping, a line of white showing under the full iris—expressed
a melancholy so sweet that their most casual glance seemed to convey
tenderness.
The young people sat then for a little while in silence. Though the
spring day was sunny, it was sharp. On a bed of ashes the log-fire
burned softly and clearly. The silvery light of the high, Northern sky
shone along the polished floor.
The room was modern, like the house, and imaged carefully, but not too
carefully for ease, eighteenth-century austerities and graces. The walls
were panelled in white; the chintzes were striped in white and
citron-colour. In spite of bowls of flowers, books and magazines, a
half-knit sock here, its needles transfixing the ball of
heather-coloured wool, and the embroidery there, with tangled skeins, it
was an impersonal room, an object calmly and confidently awaiting
appraisal rather than a long-memoried presence, making beauty forgotten
in significance. It was not a room expressive of the young woman sunken
in the deep chair. Appointed elaborately as she was, in her dense or
transparent blacks, her crossed feet in their narrow buckled shoes
stretched before her, her hands lying along the white and citron chintz,
she was neither disciplined nor austere. Brooding, melancholy, restless,
and with a latent exasperation, her eyes dwelt on the flames and her
wide, small lips puckered themselves at moments as if with the
bitterness of unshed tears.
She did not move for a long time, nor did the young man who, his elbows
propped, rested his chin on the backs of interlaced hands and surveyed
her over them. He noted her, as he had done for many months now; just
as, for months before that, he had, in France, dreamed over her; not her
mystery; her clouded, drifting quality; he had perhaps got round that or
perhaps given it up, sometimes he did not himself know which; but the
pictorial incidents of her appearance; the black velvet bow in the gauze
upon her breast; the heavy pins of tortoise-shell that held up her great
tresses; the odd, dusky mark on her eyelids that looked like the
freaking of a lovely else unblemished fruit; her pale cheek; her
childlike forehead; her hand, beautiful and indolent, with its
wedding-ring. He dwelt on all these appearances with a still absorption,
and whether with more delight or irony he could not have told; but it
was an irony at his own expense, not at hers; for he had always been a
young man aloof from appearances, tolerant yet contemptuous of their
appeal, and he knew that they absorbed him now because he was in love
with her, and he sometimes even wondered if he was in love with her
because of them. He did not, however, wonder much. Before the war he
would have computed, analyzed, perhaps done away with his passion with
the fretting of over-acute thought. That sort of vitality, the analytic,
destructive sort, had been, he imagined, bled, beaten, and cut out of
him. He was now a wraith, a wreck of his former self, fit only for
contemplation and acceptance. She was enough for him now, just as she
was; ignorant, for all her accomplishment; indolent and self-absorbed;
and she could more than satisfy him. The old acuteness remained, but it
no longer tormented. He was aware of everything and all he asked was to
possess it all. That, however, didn’t mean that he pretended anything.
If he had no illusions and asked for none, he did not let her think he
had them.
“When did you begin to know you were in love with me?” she said at last,
and now, in spite of the tearful pucker in her lips and liquid fullness
of her eyes, he knew that the theme was the one to which she had
intended to bring him. But it hadn’t been deviously; for all her
shifting shadows and eddies she was one of the straightest creatures he
had ever known. Perhaps, after all, it was that quality in her, rather
than the appearances, that accounted for his state.
“How long? Since I’ve loved you? Oh—since before Malcolm’s death, I’m
afraid.”
It was what she had feared; he saw that, and that it hurt her. Yet it
pleased her, too.
“I never guessed,” she said.
He laughed. “Rather not! How could you have guessed?”
“Women do—these things.”
“Perhaps you are less clever than other women, then, or I more clever
than other men.”
“I don’t think I’m less clever than other women,” said Antonia, and a
smile just touched her lips; another evidence of that straightness in
her. She was willing to smile, even though smiling might be
misunderstood. Yes, more than anything, perhaps, it was her genuineness
he cherished.
“You’re cleverer than most,” he assured her. “Far. But I’m cleverer than
most men.”
“We are a wonderful pair!” she exclaimed, and he agreed: “We are
indeed.”
“And why was it?” she went on, more happily now, for, another precious
point, and it seemed more than anything else to pair them, they were
happy with each other. Apart from her woman’s craving to feel her power
over him, apart from his definitely amorous condition, they were
comrades, and it crossed his mind, oddly, at the moment of thinking it,
that this could not have been said of Antonia and Malcolm. Their
relation had been that, specially, of man and woman, lover and beloved.
He doubted, really, whether Antonia would have cared much about Malcolm
had he not been a man and a lover. Whereas, had he himself been another
woman, Antonia, he felt sure, would have made a friend of him. These
reflections took him far from her question, and before the vague musing
of his look she repeated it in an altered form. “Why did you
begin—after having known me so long without?”
“Ah, that I can’t tell. Perhaps it didn’t begin. Perhaps it was always
there. I knew it for the first time when I was ordered to France; that
day I came to say good-bye to you and Malcolm in London—before he
went.”
The name of her dead husband brought the cloud about her again. “Oh,
yes,” she murmured. “I remember that day. I was horribly frightened over
the war. I had a presentiment. I knew he was going to volunteer.”
“It could hardly have been a presentiment. He evidently would.”
She showed no resentment for his clipping of her dark pinions. It was as
if she still hovered on them as she said: “Of course. I mean
presentiment of what came after that. What had to come. Don’t you
believe in Fate, Bevis? Perhaps it was that you felt in me. You had
never seen me suffering before.”
“Perhaps,” said the young man, sceptically if kindly. “However, I don’t
want to talk about it,” he added. “That is, unless you do, very much.”
She looked up at him, still unresentful, but now a little ironic, though
irony was not her note. “You are an odd lover, Bevis.”
“Am I?”
“You don’t like declaring your love.”
“I have declared it.”
“You don’t like talking about it.”
“Why should I? Unless you’ll talk about yours, too. What you mean, I
suppose, is that you miss pleading and passion in me and would like to
see them displayed. I quite understand that in you. Perhaps it’s what’s
needed to bring you round. But I’m not that sort of person. I couldn’t
do it naturally. I think, though you miss it in me, you’d not really
find it natural, either. We’re too clever, too civilized, I suppose.”
“I suppose we are,” she conceded, though a little wistfully. “I don’t
exactly miss it. I know it’s there. It’s merely that I’d like you to
talk about it, even if you don’t display it.”
“I’m glad you recognize that it’s there,” said the young man.
“Shall I tell you what I really feel about the window?” Antonia now
asked. Her back was to it as she sat, and its great cedar, cutting
against the pale blue sky, made a distant background to her head. Like
a Renaissance portrait, sombre, serene, splendid in tone, the picture
she made was before him; an allegorical figure of poetry, youth or
melancholy, with its dwelling eyes and spacings dark and pale. He was
often to see her afterwards as she then looked across at him.
“We never lived at Wyndwards, you know, Malcolm and I,” she said,
“though Malcolm, of course, spent his life here until we married. But we
visited his mother, often, and I never thought about the window then. It
was only after Malcolm’s death, and hers; when I stayed here alone for
the first time; a year ago. Alone except for Cicely.”
“Miss Latimer has always lived here, hasn’t she?” Captain Saltonhall
inquired.
“Yes. But she is so much a part of it that it was like being alone. I
used to walk up and down here and look out. Just a year ago it was;
spring like this. And, as I walked, I found that while I loved looking
out of the front windows, I shrank, I couldn’t tell why, from looking
out of the third; the end one.” Antonia turned herself still farther in
her chair, leaning both elbows on the wide arm. “I shrank from it, yet
it drew me, too. And when I yielded, and looked, I felt frightened. And
one day it came over me, as I looked out, that what I feared was that I
should see Malcolm standing there, beside the fountain.” Her voice had
dropped. Her eyes dwelt on him, full of their genuine distress.
“Ah, I see.” Captain Saltonhall nodded. “That was very natural, I
think.”
“Why natural?”
“He had died so shortly before. Your thoughts were full of him. The
place is full of him—with all the years he lived here.”
She listened to his alleviations, finding them, apparently, irrelevant.
“But why the third window? Why only that one? Why not the others? He is
more on the moors than in the flagged garden.”
“A flagged garden with a fountain and a cedar tree is obviously a more
suitable place for a ghost than the moors would be.”
“You do believe in ghosts and apparitions, then?”
“I don’t know whether I believe in them or not. There may be appearances
we can’t account for. There’s a good deal of evidence for them. But I
don’t believe they embody any consciousness. It’s far more likely, from
what I’ve read, that they are a kind of photograph of some past
emotion.”
“But, Bevis, wouldn’t it frighten you dreadfully to see one, whatever it
was?”
“Perhaps. Yes. It might be very nasty,” he agreed.
“Yet if I could be sure that it embodied consciousness it might frighten
me, but it would mean such rapture, too. I should know then that Malcolm
had survived death and still thought of me.”
“Yes. I see,” Captain Saltonhall murmured, rather awkwardly. “Yes. Of
course. That would be a great comfort to you.”
“Comfort hardly expresses it, Bevis.”
Silence fell between them for a little while, and when the young man
next spoke it was still with the slight awkwardness. “But then, if
that’s what you need, you ought to like the third window and the chance
you feel it gives you.”
She heaved a weary, exasperated sigh, stretching out in her chair,
stretching up her arms, letting them fall again along her sides, while,
sunken, extended, she seemed to abandon to him the avowal of her own
perplexity and extravagance. “I don’t know what I want. I don’t know
what I fear. I don’t know anything,” she said.
A step came outside at this point and, the door opening, there entered a
woman, older than the other two, though still not old, with a bleached
face and bleached hair; a straight, old-fashioned little fringe showing
under her hat. She paused at once on the threshold. “Am I interrupting?”
she asked. Her voice was curiously high; not sharp or shrill; but high
and reedy, like a child’s.
“No. Not a bit. Of course not. Come in, Cicely,” said Antonia sadly. She
did not turn her eyes on the newcomer, but Captain Saltonhall did so,
watching her as she crossed the room with her basket of spring flowers.
She was dressed in weather-beaten mourning, with a knitted black silk
scarf thrown back from her open jacket. The basket she carried was full
of primroses and windflowers, and, setting it down on a distant table,
she began to fill the bowls and vases that she had evidently placed
there in readiness. Her entry and her presence, which might be
prolonged, were, he felt, very inopportune; yet Antonia showed no
impatience of the interruption. Perhaps, indeed, Miss Latimer’s presence
was a relief to her, since she had really no answer to give to his
rather arid and even provocative logic. It had been a little vicious of
him to put it to her like that; but there was, he recognized, an
instinct in him to show her that her perplexities were irrelevant and
even absurd rather than to argue with them. She remained silent and
sunken in her chair, slowly twisting her wedding-ring round and round
her finger, and it must be apparent to Miss Latimer that she had
interrupted an intimate conversation. He felt this to be a little
unfortunate; why, he could not quite have said.
Miss Latimer, whom he had seen for the first time the night before, at
dinner, after his late arrival, had not endeared herself to him. He had
not liked her stillness, nor her whiteness, nor her sudden piping
voice. She was effaced, but not insignificant, and had an air, for all
her silence, of taking everything in. Her small face, peaked and pinched
rather than delicate, would have been childish, like her voice, were it
not for her eyes. He reflected now, watching her move quietly among her
flowers, that it was really because of her eyes he had not liked her.
They were so unchildish; so large; so bright; so pale; and her broad
eyebrows, darker in tint than her faded hair, gave them an almost
startling emphasis. Her face seemed barred across by these eyebrows,
and, beneath them, her eyes were like captives looking out.
The flowers at last were finished and placed, beautifully placed,
beautifully arranged, the primroses in shallow white earthenware, the
windflowers in glasses that showed their thin, rosy stems, and when
Cicely Latimer went at last, closing the door softly behind her, he felt
himself draw a long breath of relief.
“That’s a singular little person,” he remarked.
Antonia, it was evident, was not thinking of Cicely Latimer. Her eyes
came back to him from far distances. Or, were they far, those distances?
Was it in shallows or in depths that her mind had lain dreaming?
“Is she a cousin, did you tell me?” he asked.
“Cicely?” She recovered his comment as well as his question and answered
that first. “She’s a great dear, not singular at all. Yes; a cousin;
Malcolm’s first cousin. A niece of old Mrs. Wellwood’s.”
“And she’s always lived here?”
“Almost always. Mr. and Mrs. Wellwood built the house, you know, when
they were first married, and Cicely came to them here as a child. She
had been left an orphan.”
“How old is she, then?”
“Oh, she must be quite old now,” Antonia in her secure youth computed.
“She was older, a good deal, than Malcolm; nearly forty, perhaps.”
“She’s still in mourning, I see.”
“Yes. So am I,” said Antonia, not resentfully, but with an added
sadness. “It’s not yet two years, Bevis. And hardly more than a year
since Mrs. Wellwood’s death.”
“It’s a matter of feeling, naturally. One doesn’t expect a cousin to
wear mourning as long as a widow. But they were like brother and sister,
I suppose.”
“Absolutely. Malcolm went to her with everything. He told her all about
me when he first fell in love, and she helped him in it all.”
“Will she go on living with you here?”
“Go on? Cicely? Of course she will. I can’t think of this place without
her. I think it would kill her if she were to be taken from it. Mrs.
Wellwood spoke to me about it before she died. It’s like a sacred trust.
She has a little money. It’s not that. But she’s as much a part of it as
the trees and hills. She came to me at once, all the same, after
everything happened, and said she would perfectly understand if I would
rather start anew, quite by myself. There wasn’t a quaver or an appeal.
She was, I saw, quite ready. She is the sort of person who is ready for
anything. I told her that as long as she lived it was her home. I took
her into my arms,” said Antonia, “and, in a sense, she’s been there ever
since. Though, in another sense, perhaps the deeper, it’s I who am in
hers. She takes such wonderful, such devoted care of me.”
“I see.” Captain Saltonhall was feeling for his cigarette-case. “It’s
lucky you are so much attached to each other.—Do you mind?—Will you
have one?”
“Please.”
He was preparing to hoist himself out of his chair with the
cigarette-case and matchbox, but she sprang up and came to him. “You
can’t give yourself these luxuries of convention,” she smiled, rather as
if at an unruly patient. “You must let me wait on you, rather. At all
events, till you get more used to it. Dear old Bevis. You’re so brave
that one forgets all about it.”
She leaned over him, while he gave her a light, and then, the match
having gone out in his rather unsteady fingers, leaned still nearer to
light his cigarette from hers. But, gently, he laid his hands upon her
arms and held her there, looking closely into her eyes. “Do you love
me?” he asked.
Her cigarette was between her lips. She could not answer. He released
one hand so that she might free herself, and although the gesture might
have brought an element of mirth into their gravity she sought no
refuge in it. Half leaning, half kneeling beside him, she made no
attempt to draw away and he saw her eyes widen in their grief, their
perplexity, and their delight. “I don’t know, Bevis dear. I don’t know.
How can I know?” she almost wept.
“You do know. I can tell you that you know, for I do. You love me.” He
had laid his hold again upon her and he slightly shook her as he spoke.
“I can’t. I can’t. You must let me wait. You must give me time.”
“All the time you want. I’ve nothing to do but go on waiting. I’m ready
for it. But don’t be too cruel. What do you gain by it?”
“I don’t mean to be cruel. Please believe that; please do.”
“You don’t mean it; but you are. It’s enough for you to have me here,
waiting, and making love to you, day after day, month after month, as I
did in London. I understand it all. You keep him like that, and you keep
me. And what torments you is that you can’t see how you can keep us both
if you give me more.”
“Oh—Bevis. You are so horrible. So horribly clear. You are far, far
clearer than I can ever be. Yet—no, that’s not all there is to it. Give
me time to think. I told you that I should think better up here, in his
home—with you to help me. I can only think clearly if I’m given time.”
“You can’t do anything clearly. You’re always in a mist. You want to
know yourself; I grant you your honesty; but your feeling makes a mist
around you. Listen to me. Let me show it to you. You love him still, of
course. I shouldn’t care for you if you didn’t. You’ll go on loving him.
And it will hurt sometimes. It will hurt me, too. People are made up of
these irreconcilable knots. It can’t be helped. We’re here in life
together, and we belong to each other, and there’s nothing between us
but a memory. Perhaps you could go on holding out against me; but you
can’t go on holding out against yourself. You want to be mine nearly as
much as I want you to be. Darling Tony—your eyes are full of love as
you look at me now.”
He had held her more tightly, drawn her more near, and now, his haggard
young face lighted with the sudden ardour of his conviction, he saw his
light flash back to him from her, so that dropping his hands from her
arms, he seized her, drew her down to him, enfolded her, and, feeling
her yield, kissed her again and again.
“Bevis!” she whispered, amazed, aghast, yet, in her yielding, confessing
everything.
When she drew herself away and stood up beside him, it was blindly,
putting her hand out for the table, her face averted; and so she stood
for a moment, while he saw that the colour bathed her face and neck.
Then he saw that the tears rained down. He had, strangely, never seen
her cry before, though he had seen her at the earlier moments of her
great grief. She had been frozen, gaunt, lost, then.
“Darling Tony—forgive me.”
“Oh,” she wept, “it’s not your fault!”
“Yes, it is. Don’t ask me to regret it; but it is.”
“No; no. It’s not your fault,” she repeated. And she began to move away,
blindly.
“Tell me you forgive me.” He had drawn himself up in his chair and
looked after her.
“Of course I forgive you. I can’t forgive myself.”
“That’s just as bad. Must you go?”
“I must. I must. Later—we’ll talk. I’ll try to think. I’ll try to
understand. I’ll try to explain everything.”
She had got herself to the door and she had not turned her face to him
again. “Don’t despise me,” she said as she left him.