YES, suh, I feels plum' qualified to take on a wife."
The black negro blushed to a darker hue and his face shone like polished
ebony in the blazing August sun. In his embarrassment he twisted his
shapeless wool hat into a wad, thrust it under his arm like a bundle,
turned his back upon the white man's quizzical eyes, and sat down upon
the lowest step of the porch.
At the feet of the white man lay half a dozen pairs of handcuffs. He
stooped and picked up a pair which showed rusty in the bright light,
rubbed the rust off with sand-paper, squirted some oil into the
mechanism from a little can, and busied himself for a few minutes seeing
that his police hardware was in good condition.
The sheriff remained silent for so long that the negro imagined he had
been forgotten. Then Flournoy fired a question so unexpectedly that the
black man winced: "What's your name?"
"Dey calls me Plaster Sickety."
"Gosh!" the sheriff exploded. "Can any woman be induced to exchange a
perfectly decent name for a smear like that?"
"Suttinly," the negro grinned. "Dat gal's name ain't so awful cute. Dey
calls her Pearline Flunder."
"Plaster Sickety and Pearline Flunder—help, everybody! What sort of
children will issue from a matrimonial alliance of such names?"
"I reckin our chillun will all be borned Huns, Marse John; but I cain't
he'p it."
Under his manipulation the sheriff's worn handcuffs took on a polish
like new. At intervals he glanced up from his task to see the sunlight
spraying from the pecan-trees like water and the heat rising from the
ground, visible as a boiling cloud. Once he heard an eagle scream, and
glanced toward the Little Mocassin swamp to behold a black speck sail
into the haze that hung like a curtain of purple and gold upon the
horizon. The negro sat motionless except for glowing black eyes
restless as mercury and all-perceiving.
Suddenly the bear-trap mouth of the big sheriff twisted into a little
smile.
"How'd you like to give your girl one of these things for a
wedding-present, Plaster?" he asked, as he tossed a polished pair of
handcuffs on the step beside the negro.
"I's kinder pestered in my mind 'bout gittin' a fitten weddin'-present,
Marse John, but—" Plaster rose to his feet and returned the manacles
without completing his sentence.
"How much money have you got?" Flournoy asked.
"I ain't got none till yit."
"How you going to buy the license? How you going to pay the preacher?"
Flournoy asked.
"Dat's whut I come to git a view from you about, Marse John. All de
cullud folks gives you a rep dat you is powerful good to niggers an' I
figgered dat you an' me mought fix up some kind of shake-down so I could
git married 'thout costin' me nothin'."
"Don't you ever read the Bible?" Flournoy growled. "Even Adam's wife
cost him a bone."
"Yes, suh," the negro grinned. "But I figger ef Sheriff Flournoy had
been aroun' anywheres at dat time, maybe Adam would 'a' got off a whole
lot cheaper."
"Have you got a job to support your wife?" Flournoy asked.
"Naw, suh."
"Have you got a house to live in?"
"Naw, suh."
"Where are you going to live with her—in a hollow sycamore-tree?"
"Yes, suh, I reckin so—dat is, excusin' ef you don't he'p us none."
"Where are you two idiots going to derive your sustenance—from the
circumambient atmosphere?"
"Dat's de word, Marse John—dat is, excusin' ef you don't loant us a
hand in our troubles," the negro murmured, wondering what the sheriff's
big talk meant.
"Do you love this black girl very much?" the sheriff asked with that odd
turn of tone with which every man speaks of love when he is in love with
love.
"Boss," the black man answered in a voice which throbbed, "I been lovin'
dat gal ever since she warn't no bigger dan—dan—dan a June-bug whut
had visited accidental a woodpecker prayer-meetin'."
"Is she good to look at, Plaster?" Flournoy smiled.
"Well, suh, I cain't lie to no white man, Marse John; an' I tells you
honest—she looks a whole heap better at night in de dark of de moon."
"If she ain't a good-looker, why do you love her?" Flournoy asked
without a smile.
"She's good sense an' jedgment, Marse John," the black man answered
earnestly. "An'—an'—I jes' nachelly loves her."
Flournoy studied a moment, twisting a pair of steel
handcuffs in his giant hands. Finally he spoke:
"Plaster, I have a cabin down on the Coolie Bayou which I have given to
three young married couples in succession on the condition that they
live there in peace and amity one year."
"Yes, suh."
"Every couple broke up and got a divorce within nine months."
"Too bad, Marse John, dat's mighty po' luck."
"You niggers think you love each other until you get hitched and then
you don't stay hitched."
"Some shorely don't—dey don't fer a fack."
"Now I make you and Pearline Flunder this offer. I will buy your
marriage license, pay Vinegar Atts to marry you, bear all the expense of
a church wedding, give you a job so you can support your wife, and I
will make you a present of that cabin down on the Coolie Bayou if you
and your wife will live together for three days without busting up in a
row."
"Three days, Marse John!" the negro howled. "Boss, I motions to make it
thurty years!"
"No!" Flournoy snapped. "Three days!"
"I's willin', Marse John," the negro laughed, cutting a caper on the
grass.
"All right!" the sheriff said as he stooped and picked up a pair of
handcuffs. "Now listen: I intend to cut the little chain on these two
manacles and attach each cuff to a ten-foot chain. When you and Pearline
are married, I am going to put one of these manacles around her wrist
and one around your wrist"—the negro showed the whites of his
eyes—"and bind you two honey-loves together with a ten-foot chain."
The negro looked behind him toward the gate and the public highway, took
a tighter grip upon his hat, and made a furtive step backward. "You are
to remain bound together for three days." The negro smiled and stepped
forward. "At the end of that time you are to come here and report, and
if you agree to spend the remainder of your life together, the cabin is
yours!"
"Make it a two-feets chain, Marse John, so us kin git clost to each
yuther," Plaster pleaded.
"What I have spoken I have spoken," Flournoy proclaimed autocratically.
"Now, go tell your sweetheart all about it."
The Big Four of Tickfall sat around a much bewhittled pine table in the
Hen-Scratch saloon. The room was hazy with their tobacco smoke.
Conversation languished. The session was about to adjourn until
to-morrow at the same hour. Figger Bush laid his cigarette upon the edge
of the table, lifted his head like a dog baying the moon, and chanted:
"O you muss be a lover of de landlady's daughter
Or you cain't git a secont piece of pie!"
Before the other could catch the tune, the green-baize doors of the
saloon were thrown open and a white man entered. Every negro looked up
into that granite face with its deep-set eyes, iron jaw, and rugged
lines of strength and purpose, and smiled a joyful welcome:
"Mawnin', Marse John. 'Tain't no use to come sheriffin' down dis way. No
niggers ain't done nothin'."
"I am hunting for a Methodist clergyman of color," Flournoy grinned.
"Boss," Vinegar Atts chuckled as he rose to his feet, "I's de blackest
an' best nigger preacher whut is, an' I b'lieves in de Mefdis doctrine
of fallin' from grace an' grease. Ef you misdoubts my words, ax my wife.
Dat ole woman admits dat fack herse'f."
"I want you to perform a wedding ceremony at the Shoofly Church to-night
at seven o'clock," the sheriff announced.
Instantly the Rev. Vinegar Atts thrust both hands into the pockets of
his trousers and brought his hands out, turning out the pockets and
showing them empty.
"Dar now, Figger Bush!" Vinegar bellowed. "I tole you dat de good Lawd
would pervide a way fer me to pay fer dem near-booze grape-juices I been
guzzlin' in yo' sinful saloom! Five dollars will sottle wid you an'
leave a few change over fer seegaws."
"Who's cormittin' mattermony, Marse John?" Mustard Prophet wanted to
know. "Is it one of dese here shotgun weddin's?"
"Plaster Sickety wishes to wed Pearline Flunder."
"I knows 'em," Hitch Diamond rumbled from his big chest. "De good Lawd
will shore got to pervide fer dem coons like He do fer Vinegar
Atts—nary one is got git-up enough to make a livin'."
"Those young colored honey-birds are under my special care and
protection," Flournoy announced, smiling. "I intend to house them and
take care of them and get them work. They are an experiment."
"De trouble wid experiments is dis, Marse John," Mustard chuckled,
"sometimes dey bust in yo' face."
"My plan is this," Flournoy told them. "I am going to tie those two
negroes together with a ten-foot chain and they are to live in peace and
amity for three days."
"Lawdymussy, Marse John!" the Rev. Vinegar Atts bellowed. "Did you ever
tie two cats to each yuther an' hang 'em over de limb of a tree?"
"Yes."
"Does you recommember how quick dem cats got tired of each yuther's
sawsiety an' fell out wid theirselves?"
"Certainly."
Vinegar jerked a yellow bandana handkerchief from the tail of his coat
and mopped the top of his bald head.
"You mought care fer dem niggers ef you ties em togedder, Marse John.
But you ain't gwine be able to pertection 'em—not from each yuther,"
Vinegar announced as he slapped at his face with his kerchief. "I
wouldn't be tied to my nigger wife wid a telephone-wire long enough to
conversation de man in de moon. Naw, suh! Dat ole gal would be yankin'
on dat line a catfish all de time. Whoosh!"
"I agrees wid dem religium sentiments," Hitch Diamond rumbled. "Now you
example Goldie, my own wife. Dat little yeller gal's maw is a lunatic,
an' Goldie ain't no lunatic, but she ain't got her right mind. I
wouldn't mind bein' a Dandylion in de lion's den, like de Bible tells
about—dat would gib me a chance to fight fer my gizzard. But chained up
to Goldie—"
Hitch broke off, shook his head in earnest negation, rubbed one giant
hand around his iron-thewed wrist as if he could feel the holy bonds of
matrimony and gave utterance to one expressive word: "Gawd!"
"Hol' on, niggers!" Figger Bush exclaimed. "I don't foller you-alls in
dem sentiments. Now I been married to Scootie gwine on two year an' I
ain't never got too much of dat gal yit. I cherishes de opinion dat
Marse John could tie our heads togedder an' I wouldn't complain none."
"I sides wid Figger Bush," Mustard Prophet grinned. "I been livin' off
an' on wid Hopey fer twenty year, an' dat gal is busted stovewood over
my head off an' on plenty of times, but I don't bear her no grouch. She
kin always make peace by givin' me some hot biskits an' a few sirup."
"You four niggers talk too much," Flournoy grinned. "I want you to get
busy and decorate that Shoofly Church and pull the biggest Tickfall
church wedding ever seen in the social sets of our colored circles. I'll
pay for everything."
"Us fo' niggers will git our wifes an' pull some kind of nice stunt
ourselfs, too, Marse John," Vinegar howled. "We'll fix up a good
send-off fer 'em."
At seven o'clock that evening the Flournoy automobile conveyed the happy
pair to the Shoofly Church. The Rev. Vinegar Atts proceeded with the
ceremony until the bride sported a new ring and the two were pronounced
man and wife with the solemn admonition:
"Whom God hath joined together, let not man put asunder!"
Thereupon Sheriff Flournoy stepped forward and with the ease of long
practice slipped a manacle upon the right wrist of the bride and another
upon the left wrist of the groom and snapped the handcuffs shut.
Figger Bush stooped and lifted a long bottle from a bucket of ice. There
was a loud pop, the cork struck against the ceiling, ricochetted around
the walls of the room and caused a commotion by falling on Vinegar's
bald head. Figger advanced with a tray containing three glasses and the
sheriff toasted the bride and groom.
The ten-foot chain rattled as the bride raised her manacled hand to
drink.
When they marched out of the church the entire congregation formed a
procession and accompanied them to their cabin on the Coolie Bayou. They
noticed that Plaster Sickety picked up the chain and wrapped a turn
around his bride's neck and one about his own, thus shortening the bond
and bringing them close together. They clamped their arms around each
other's waists, and plodded solemnly through the deep dust of the
crooked highway.
"Dat nigger cain't park his wife like a new automobile an' walk off an'
leave her," Vinegar chuckled.
"He ain't actin' anxious to git away—now," Hitch rumbled
pessimistically.
"Not yit, but soon," Vinegar agreed.
Approaching the cabin, Plaster Sickety's voice broke into exultant song,
and through the negro's wonderful gift of improvisation, he produced
this neat bit:
"Dar's a Pearline pearl of price untold,
An' dat Pearline pearl cain't be bought wid gold;
An' dat Pearline pearl am good to see,
Fer dat Pearline pearl b'longs to me!"
"Listen to dat fool!" Hitch Diamond chuckled. "He's singin' like a
little black angel whut had swiped de pearliest pearl offen de pearly
gates!"
The bride and groom entered their cabin and softly closed the door.
Good night!
"Looky here, Pearline, I ain't used to totin' dis ole steel band on my
wrist an' it hurts my feelin's," Plaster complained as he sat at the
breakfast-table before a meal which had been left on the door-step a few
minutes before by Hitch Diamond.
"Don't begin to howl an' pull back like a dawg tied under a wagin,
Plaster," Pearline urged prettily, as she helped herself to liberal
portions of the breakfast prepared in Sheriff Flournoy's kitchen. "You
won't kick about wearin' it as long as you loves me, will you?"
"No'm," Plaster said, as he lifted the chain to a more comfortable place
upon the dining-table. "But I shore wish dat white man hadn't choosed
such a heavy chain."
"Dis chain ain't heavy, Plaster," Pearline protested. "You hadn't
oughter talk dat way. Excusin' dat, I likes dis chain—it ties us to
each yuther. Don't you like it?"
"Yes'm, I shore does."
"How come you complains about it fer?"
"I ain't got no lament, Pearline—dat is, I ain't mean it dat way."
The bridegroom filled his mouth with food and for the next ten minutes
ate voraciously. One watching him would draw the inference that he was
not eating to enjoy the food so much as to find some occupation for his
mouth beside speech.
Pearline reached out with her free hand and toyed with the chain,
twisting it about her fingers lovingly, a dreamy light in her coal-black
eyes.
"Us had de biggest weddin' in cullud circles, Plaster," she murmured.
"I ain't no cullud circle," Plaster mumbled, his mouth full of food.
"But I reckin I got to run circles aroun' you 'slong as dis ole chain
stays on. Don't rattle dat chain so loud, Pearly! Gosh! It makes a heap
of racket fer its little size."
"You jes' now said it wus a big, heavy chain fer its size," his wife
reminded him in a sweetly argumentative tone.
"Yes'm, it am—dis chain is bofe little an' big—fer its size," the
groom amended hastily. "Stop talkin' about dis chain!"
"You started dis talk," she reminded him reproachfully. "You said it
hurted yo' wrist."
There was a loud knock upon the door. Plaster sprang up to answer. The
chain jerked at his wrist.
"Good gawsh!" he snorted. "Come to de door wid me, honey, so I kin open
up."
"I cain't, Plaster," the bride exclaimed in a panic. "I ain't dressed
fer comp'ny dis soon in de mawnin."
"You's got on all de clothes you owns," the groom reminded her.
"Suttinly, but I ain't got no white powder on my black nose," she
giggled. "Come back in de nex' room an' let me fresh up befo' we opens
de door."
"I stayed in dar a plum' hour while you wus freshin' up fer yo'
viteles," Plaster grumbled.
"Don't git grumped up, Plaster," Pearline urged. "You ack like yo' love
is commenced to wilt aroun' de edges."
Meekly the man followed her to the bedroom and stood for fifteen minutes
while the bride primped her hair, powdered her nose, adjusted her
collar, fiddled with her belt, put pins in her shirt-waist, took them
out and deposited them in her mouth, put them back into her waist,
turned around and looked at herself in the mirror, hunted for a fresh
handkerchief and could not find it, located it at last in the bosom of
her waist, wondered where she had left her chewing-gum, found it on top
of the box of face-powder, and finally said:
"Come on—less hurry up. Dat comp'ny will git tired waitin' fer us!"
"Dat comp'ny is gone done it," Plaster sighed. "I peeped through de
crack in de door an' seed 'em. Hitch Diamond knocked fo' times, den
opened de door an' picked up dem breakfast-dishes an' trod out."
"Dat's too bad," Pearline remarked with no interest whatever. She was
looking at herself in the mirror. "I'd like to seen Hitchie. He use to
be one of my ole sweethearts."
"Come out an' set under de tree wid me an' mebbe dat ole sweetheart of
yourn will come back," Plaster suggested.
"I don't like to git out in de sunshine," the girl replied. "Dar's too
much glare."
"Too much—which?" Plaster asked.
"Glare."
"Yes'm."
Plaster stood looking at her helplessly, wondering where they were going
from there.
"Does you love me, Plaster?" the girl asked, siding up to him and
stepping on the chain.
"Yes'm," Plaster answered as he pulled the chain from under her feet and
rubbed his wrist. "Don't step on dat chain no mo'. You might break it."
"How come you don't tell me you loves me?"
"I done tole you 'bout fawty times dis mawnin'," Plaster reminded her.
"But you ain't never tole me onless I axed you."
"Less go somewhar an' set down an' I'll tell you a millyum times,"
Plaster said eagerly.
"Bless Gawd, I knows you loves me a plum' plenty, but I likes to hear
you tell dem words. Wait a minute till I puts—er—I b'lieve I oughter
change de collar on dis dress. A clean one would make me look mo'
fresher."
Plaster lingered until the woman was dressed to her fancy, resting his
weight first on one impatient leg, then upon the other.
"You wastes a heap of time fixin' yo'se'f, Pearly," he sighed at last.
"I hopes you'll soon git dressed up fer de day."
"You wants yo' wife to look nice, don't you?" she asked reproachfully.
"Yes'm."
"How kin I look nice 'thout takin' de time to dress?"
They went out and sat down under the pecan-tree in the "glare." Pearline
seemed to have forgotten the glare. Plaster lighted a cigarette, smoked
it to the end, lighted another, smoked it to the end, and lighted
another. Then Pearline remarked:
"Honey, does you love me more dan you loves dem cigareets?"
"I shore does"—with moderate fervor.
"Does you love me a millyum times mo' dan you loves cigareets?"
"Suttinly."
"Den, fer gossake, throw dem cigareets away! Dey smells like some kind
o' fumigate."
"I cain't do that, Pearly. Dese here smokes costes money. An' I couldn't
affode to buy 'em ef I had to wuck fer de money. Dey's a weddin'
present."
"Is you gwine smoke all yo' married life?"
"Yes'm."
"But you ain't gwine smoke no mo' fer de nex' three days, is you?"
"No'm."
Pearline thrust her hand into Plaster's pocket and brought forth his
precious smokes. She concealed them in the mysterious recesses of her
attire and Plaster sighed deeply.
Ten minutes later the girl straightened up with a fierceness that nearly
snapped her spinal column.
"Fer mussy sake, Plaster Sickety! Whut is you got in yo' mouf?"
"I's nibblin' a few crumbs of terbacker, honey," Plaster said
apologetically.
"My gawsh! You aim to tell me dat you chaws?"
"Yes'm. I chaws a little bit now an' den. It kinder helps my brains to
think an' sottles my stomick."
There was a long silence. Plaster stared straight ahead of him, his jaws
moving with the regularity of a ruminant cow, his eyes counting the
leaves on the trees, the pickets on the broken-down fence, and
estimating the number of ants crawling out of a hill. Then,
unconsciously, he reached into his pocket for another cigarette. He did
not find it.
He heard a suspicious sound beside him and looked at Pearline.
"Whut you cryin' about honey?"
"You tole me you loved me more dan cigareets, an' yit you cain't set by
me a minute 'thout chawin' terbacker," she wailed. "You is blood kin
brudder to a worm an' a goat—nothin' else chaws!"
"Lawd!" Plaster sighed in desperation. "I sees now dat I'm got to learn
how to suck eggs an' hide de shells."
Suddenly a loud whoop was heard near at hand and out of the swamp came
Vinegar Atts, Figger Bush, Mustard Prophet and Hitch Diamond.
"Hey, niggers!" Plaster bawled. "Come up an' set down. Lawd, I nefer wus
so glad to see nobody in my whole life."
"Good mawnin', Sister Pearline!" Vinegar chuckled. "How is yo'-alls
enjoyin' mattermony life by now?"
"Fine," the bride smiled, with a suspicion of tears still in her eyes.
"Praise de Lawd!" exclaimed Vinegar. "I wus skeart you niggers would be
fightin' by now, an' mebbe one of yous would be draggin' de yuther on de
end o' dat chain—dead!"
"Naw, suh!" Plaster howled, as he snatched a cigar out of Hitch
Diamond's pocket and stuck it in his mouth. "Us is gittin' along
puffeckly."
Plaster snatched his cigar from his lips with his manacled hand and
flourished it with a motion of broad contentment. Pearline gave the
chain a quick jerk and the smoke flew from Plaster's fingers and fell
over in the high grass.
"You two idjits look like a holy show to me," Figger Bush cackled. "How
come you don't charge admissions to de show an' git rich?"
"Us wouldn't git rich quick," Pearline giggled. Hitch Diamond had
retrieved the cigar, and Pearline had taken it from him and stuck it in
her hair. "You-all is de onlies' comp'ny we is had till yit."
"I hopes you niggers will stay wid us all day, brudders," Plaster
exclaimed earnestly. "We wus feelin' kinder—er—me an' Pearline wus
feelin' sorter—er—"
"Uh-huh," Hitch Diamond grunted knowingly. "Dat's a fack. We ole married
folks onderstan's dem feelin's. I'd feel dat way mese'f ef I wus in yo'
fix. I'd whet up my teeth on a brick-bat an' bite myse'f in my own
gizzard an' die."
"Not me!" Figger Bush howled. "Ef I wus chained to dat little gal, I'd
git me a plow-line an' wrop it aroun' our necks."
"I would, too," Vinegar bellowed. "But I'd tie de yuther eend of dat
plow-line to a tree an' jump off de worl'."
"I bet Pearline don't hanker to jump offen no worl'," Mustard Prophet
proclaimed. "Look at her—she's jes' as happy as ef she had sense."
The eyes of the four men turned upon the girl appraisingly. Then
Pearline remembered that a few moments before she had been sniffling and
shedding tears. She was sure her eyes were red, and she knew the tears
had washed all the white powder off her black nose. Quickly she rose to
her feet, giving the ten-foot chain a sharp jerk.
"I hates to take you from yo' frien's, Plaster," she exclaimed, "but I'm
got to go in. I cain't stand de glare."
Side by side they entered the cabin and the chain rattled as they shut
the door.
And the evening and the morning were the first day.
"Stop scatterin' dem shavin's all over de floor, Plaster," Pearline
commanded. "Ef folks comes to see us, I don't want dis house all
literated up wid trash."
"I got to whittle while you sews, honey," Plaster said patiently. "I
wanted to sot out in the yard, but you kep' me in de house all yistiddy
afternoon because you said you had de headache from de glare."
"You kin whittle 'thout messin' up dis room," Pearline snapped.
"I likes a messy room," the man declared. "It looks like folks lived in
it an' wus tol'able comfer'ble."
"You cain't mess up my house ef I got to come atter you an' clean up,"
the woman replied in a tone of finality.
A hound-dog stuck his wistful face into the door, seeking an invitation
to enter.
"Dar's a frien' in need," the bridegroom proclaimed happily. "Come here,
dawg!"
"Git out o' here!" the woman shrieked, kicking at the hound and sending
him out with a howl. "I don't want dat houn' in dis house scratchin' his
fleas all over de rooms. Look at de mud dat dawg tracked in. Come wadin'
through de bayou an' den come trackin' through de house!"
"Dar's some advantages in livin' a dawg's life, Pearline," Plaster
sighed. "Even excusin' de fleas, dar's plenty advantage. A dawg, even a
married dawg, he ain't tied up all de time an' kin run aroun' some."
"You aims to say you's gittin' tired stayin' here wid me?" Pearline
snapped.
"No'm. Nothin' like dat. I's happy as a mosquiter on a pickaninny's
nose."
"Ef you feels tied up like a houn'-dawg in de middle of de secont day,
how does you expeck to feel in de middle of de secont year?"
Plaster thought it best not to venture a reply. He looked through the
open door at the hound, lying under the china-berry tree in the glare,
placidly scratching fleas, bumping the elbow of his hind leg on the soft
ground as he scratched.
"Don't you never answer no 'terrogations when I axes you?" Pearline
asked sharply. "How you gwine feel in de middle of de secont year?"
Out of sheer perversity Plaster was disposed to tell her that he would
feel dead and buried for at least a year before the time she mentioned,
but instead he swallowed hard three times. His throat was dry and his
tongue rasped his mouth like sandpaper. His answer, finally, was a song:
"She'll be sweeter as de days go by;
She'll git sweeter as de moments fly;
She'll git sweeter an' be dearer
As to me she draws mo' nearer—
Sweeter as de days go by."
Thereupon Pearline jumped from her chair, got strangle-hold upon her
husband, sat down on him, and impressed him forcibly in the next
half-hour that his wife was a heavyweight and the day was extremely
warm.
Plaster made such a hit with his improvised song that he repeated it
three times, then gradually eased his wife off his lap and onto a chair.
"Don't you never shave yo' face, Plaster?" the lady asked when the love
scene ended. "You feels like a stubby shoe-brush."
"No'm, my whiskers don't pester me none."
"But dey looks so bad," the woman urged.
"I cain't see 'em," Plaster grinned.
"I wants you to shave eve'y day while you is married to me."
"Huh," Plaster grunted.
"An I wants you to brush up yo' clothes, Plaster," the woman told him.
"You looks scandalous dusty."
"I looks as good as you does," Plaster retorted. "I's got powdered dirt
on my clothes an' you's got powdered chalk on yo' nose. You looks to
dang dressy fer me anyhow. I favors bein' dusty an' easy-feelin'."
The discussion ended by the appearance of three women who came to the
open door from the highroad.
"Look at dat, now!" Plaster exclaimed. "Here comes three ole gals of
mine. I co'ted 'em all servigerous but it didn't git me nothin'."
"Whut dey buttin' in here fer?" Pearline asked in sharp tones.
"Mebbe dey'll tell us when dey comes in," Plaster chuckled.
The three women were the wives of Hitch Diamond, Figger Bush, and
Vinegar Atts. When they entered they came straight to the point.
"Plaster, us ladies wants to talk to Sister Pearline Flunder Sickety in
privut."
"Dat cain't be did, sisters," Plaster answered, looking them over
suspiciously. "Whut does you want to tell my wife in privut?"
"Dat's a secret," Scootie Bush giggled.
Plaster looked at the women with an earnest effort to read their
intentions. He recalled certain incidents in his association with the
three in the old days of happy courtship that he preferred his wife
should not know. He thought he saw mischief in the eyes of each of the
women, especially Scootie and Goldie, and he shook his head.
"Nothin' ain't told in privut, sisters," he announced. "Leastwise, not
till after de third day."
"Does you aim to say dat I cain't conversation in privut wid my
frien's?" Pearline snapped.
"No'm not perzackly dat," Plaster hastened to explain. "But it looks
kinder onpossible to me as long as I'm tied up wid you on dis chain."
"Git over again dat wall while dese ladies whispers to me," Pearline
replied, giving him a push.
Plaster sat down and strained his ears to hear. What he heard was
spasmodic giggles. He saw mischievous glances directed to himself. Once
he saw his wife look straight at him reproachfully, as if she suspected
that he was trying to overhear. There was half an hour of this, then the
three giggling women took their departure.
"Whut did dem nigger women want, Pearline?" Plaster demanded.
"Dat's a fambly secret," Pearline giggled.
"Does you think you oughter hab any secrets from yo' cote-house
husbunt?" Plaster demanded belligerently.
"Naw, suh. Not no secrets dat stays secrets, but dis here little myst'ry
will git public powerful soon."
Coming through the medium of Plaster's troubled conscience, this answer
sounded ominous. Pearline picked up some sewing and Plaster reached for
his unwhittled stick. He spent one half-hour in deep thought. He was
sorry he had told Pearline that those three women were old sweethearts
of his. He recalled that his courtship of each woman had broken up in a
row and a fist-fight. It had been one-sided, the women conducting the
row and doing all the fighting while Plaster endeavored to escape. Now
Plaster had no other idea than that they were hot on his trail. They
were planning to make his life miserable through the jealousy of his
wife.
There was a loud knock on the front door. The two arose and the door
opened to Vinegar Atts, Figger Bush, and Hitch Diamond.
"Sister Sickety, us three niggers is a cormittee of three app'inted to
wait in privut on Brudder Plaster Sickety an' hol' a secret confab wid
him," Vinegar announced pompously.
"I don't allow my husbunt to hab no secrets from me," Pearline answered
looking suspiciously at her old sweetheart, Hitch Diamond.
"Dis am a man's pussonal bizzness, Pearline," Hitch Diamond rumbled. "A
nigger woman is got to butt out."
"But I's chained up wid Plaster," Pearline protested.
"Git over agin dat wall while dese gen'lemens whispers to me," Plaster
remarked, giving her a push toward the chair which he had occupied under
similar circumstances a short time before.
The three committeemen walked up close to Plaster, draped their arms
over his shoulders, and talked in whispers, but guffawed out loud.
Because Pearline was present their eyes irresistibly sought hers,
especially when they laughed—what man can keep from looking at the
woman in a room?—and Pearline inferred that they were talking and
laughing about her. She strained her ears to hear, but not a word
enlightened her ignorance. Then with a loud laugh the three
men patted Plaster on the back and took themselves off.
"Whut did them niggers want, Plaster?" Pearline demanded in irate tones.
"Dat's a fambly secret," Plaster quoted mockingly.
"I felt like a fool wid dem mens lookin' at me an' snickerin'," the
woman complained. "Wus dey talkin' about me?"
"Yes'm," the man chuckled.
This remark set Pearline to thinking about certain incidents. Hitch had
been an old sweetheart, Figger Bush and Vinegar Atts had paid her
courtly attentions, and some things had happened that she would rather
not have to explain to her husband. There was a dismal depthless gulf of
painful silence between the honeymooners for a long time. Then Pearline
said with difficulty:
"I don't like de nigger mens you 'socheates wid. Dem three niggers ain't
fitten comp'ny fer my husbunt."
"Dat's whut I thinks about dem three womens dat come to see you,"
Plaster answered. "Ef you runs wid dat color of petticoats I shore will
disrespeck you mo' dan I does now."
"I runs wid anybody I chooses," Pearline snapped.
"Me, too," Plaster retorted.
They pulled apart and the chain rattled.
They stepped back from the entrance and closed the door.
And the evening and the morning were the second day.
By sleeping until the noon-hour the two love-captives shortened the
third day by half.
In the two days past they had exhausted every theme of conversation, had
wearied of every kind of amusement they could devise, and had pumped
their hearts dry of language to proclaim and protest their affection for
each other to lubricate the machinery of existence amid the friction of
their disposition and temperament.
The day before Plaster had made a hit with a song, so he decided to fill
every moment of that day until the sun sank below the horizon with vocal
music, for song banishes conversation and song is not provocative of
difference of opinion and argument—so he thought. While he and his wife
were dressing, Plaster began:
"Does you know dat I am dyin'
Fer a little bit of love?
Everywhar dey hears me sighin'
Fer a little bit of love.
Fer dat love dat grows mo' strong,
Fills de heart wid hope and song,
I has waited—oh, so long—
Fer a little bit of love."
"Whut makes you sing so dang loud, Plaster?" Pearline asked wearily, as
she rested her head upon her hands. "You sounds like a brayin' jackace
mournin' because he done tumbled down a open well."
"One time you said you liked my singin'," Plaster retorted.
"I couldn't tell you whut I really thought about it in dem sad days,"
Pearline remarked.
They ate their noon meal in silence because neither could think of
anything to say. Plaster had got the hook at the very beginning of his
musical career, and the things he thought of to say were not fit for
utterance or publication.
As they rose from the table, they looked with surprise out of the
window.
A long procession of negroes approached the cabin. All were dressed in
their best clothes and the Rev. Vinegar Atts was in the lead.
The bridal pair suddenly remembered something, and they stepped out on
the porch to receive them as they filled the space in front of the
house.
Vinegar took his famous preaching attitude in front of the porch,
inflated his lungs and began:
"Brudder an' Sister Sickety, us is all rejoiced dat you two honey-loves
is got mighty nigh through wid yo' honey-tower widout no fuss or fight.
We welcomes you back to our sawsiety wid glad arms. We hopes dat you
will love each yuther mo' or less an' off an' on ferever! We knows dat
you has well earnt dis house an' lot dat Marse John Flournoy has gib you
an' we cullud folks wants to make you a present of a few change so you
kin buy some nice house-furnicher an' start out fresh an' new."
Thereupon Vinegar laid his stove-pipe hat upside down upon the floor of
the porch, turned and surveyed the assembly while he mopped his bald
head with a yellow bandana handkerchief.
"Walk right up, brudders an' sisters, an' drap yo' few change in dis
stove-pipe preachin'-hat!"
They came up one by one, laughingly depositing their money, and pausing
to shake hands with the bride and groom.
When the ceremony ended, Vinegar emptied his hat upon the floor of the
porch, placed it upon his head with a farewell flourish, and led the
negroes out of the yard.
"Dis money is de fambly secret dem three nigger womens whispered to me,
honey," Pearline giggled.
"Dat's de myst'ry dem three committee fellers tole me," Plaster
chuckled.
The two sat down and counted the money—twenty-five dollars and thirty
cents!
"Dat thuty cents is yourn to spend foolish, Pearline," Plaster said
generously as he pushed three dimes toward her and clutched with both
hands at the rest.
"Hol' on nigger!" Pearline snapped. "I ain't no bayou minnow to git
jes' a little nibble of dat money—half of dat cash spondulix is mine."
"Yes'm, but I is de man of de fambly an' I oughter keep it an' han' it
out to you as you needs it."
"I needs my half right now," Pearline snapped, placing both her hands
upon the clutching paws of Plaster Sickety.
"Whut you gwine do wid twelve dollars an' fo' bits?" Plaster demanded in
irate tones.
"Buy me a hat!" Pearline told him.
"You's a fool!" Plaster informed her. "Female hats ain't furnicher."
"Dis money furnishes me wid a hat," she announced positively.
Then they sat for a few minutes in silence, both keeping their hands
spread out over the money.
"Whut you gwine do wid yo' twelve dollars an' fo' bits?" Pearline
demanded at last.
"I figgers on buyin' a fiddle," Plaster told her. "Plenty money kin be
made playin' fiddles, an' I b'lieves I could learn to fiddle ef I had a
good chance."
"I ain't gwine hab no fiddlin' nigger in my house," Pearline snorted.
"I's druther be married to a phoneygraft."
"You ain't gwine be married to nothin' very long ef you don't leggo dis
money, nigger!" Plaster snarled.
"I is."
"You ain't."
"Don't gimme no sass."
"You sassed me fust."
The woman raised one hand from the money and made an unexpected
sideswipe at Plaster's jaw with her open palm. The blow landed with a
smack that jarred the very marrow of his bones and keeled him over the
edge of the porch to the ground. As he fell sprawling, the chain
tightened and jerked Pearline off her perch and she fell to the ground
with a squall. Then for ten minutes there was a Kilkenny cat scrap on
the front lawn.
Pearline bit and scratched and pulled hair and tore clothes. She had
decidedly the best of the rookus until her unusual activities caused her
to get a twist of the chain around her neck. Plaster thanked the Lord
and choked her into inaction and submission by the simple process of
pretending to escape from her and thus tightening the chain.
When she was choked almost to suffocation, he edged her to the porch,
lifted the twenty-five dollars and thirty cents into his own pockets,
and released the chain.
"THE BLOW LANDED WITH A SMACK THAT JARRED THE VERY MARROW
OF HIS BONES AND KEELED HIM OVER THE EDGE OF THE PORCH TO THE GROUND."
When Pearline recovered her breath she dropped flat upon the ground at
her feet and howled like a Comanche until the going down of the sun.
Plaster did not attempt to console or quiet her. When he spoke again, he
reached out and touched the bawling woman with his foot.
"Git up idjit!" he exclaimed. "Marse John expecks us to come an' repote
to him an' git dese here handcuffs tuck off."
Sheriff John Flournoy was waiting for them as they came across his lawn
to the porch where he sat.
Then for half an hour he listened to a tirade of crimination and
recrimination which crackled with profane expletives like thorns under a
pot. When Plaster paused to breathe, Pearline took up the complaint.
When Pearline stopped from exhaustion, Plaster resumed his lamentations.
When the storm of vituperation subsided, Flournoy sat in his chair like
a man who had been pounded over the head with a brick. It was some time
before he could formulate his ideas. Then he spoke with difficulty.
"I judge from what I have heard that your three days' experience
together has convinced you that your tastes are entirely dissimilar and
your natures incompatible."
"Yes, suh, dat's c'reck."
"The information you offer conveys to me the impression that a woman
loves shadows, but a man loves sunshine and glare; a woman loves dress,
but a man loves tobacco; a woman desires daintiness and neatness
attended with any degree of discomfort, but a man prefers comfort with
no matter how much litter and mess; a woman loves indoor sports, like
sewing, and a man loves outdoor sports, like whittling sticks and making
the acquaintance of a hound-dog with fleas on his body and mud on his
feet; a man loves to sing and hear himself sing, and the woman prefers
to hear some other man sing; a woman wants her female companions with
their confidences and their secrets, and a man desires his male
companions and their secrets, but neither party to the matrimonial
alliance is willing that the partner should keep a secret. Am I right as
far as I've gone?"
"Dat's right!" they said in positive tones.
"But de fuss part, Marse John, is de money!" the woman shrieked.
"Certainly," Flournoy agreed softly. "Matrimony is always a matter of
money."
Then Flournoy took a key from his pocket and opened the bracelets on
their wrists. The chain fell at their feet. The bride and bridegroom
looked away, each ignoring the presence of the other.
Plaster Sickety thrust both hands into his pockets, brought out
twenty-five dollars and thirty cents and laid it into the open palm of
the sheriff.
"Fer Gawd's sake, git me a deevo'ce!" he pleaded.
"Make it two, Marse John," the girl urged. "I's plum' nauseated wid dat
nigger man."
The bride and bridegroom turned and walked away, choosing different
paths and going in opposite directions. They did not look back.
The sheriff stooped and picked up the rattling chain.
Then he went into the house and slammed the door.
The evening and the morning were the third day, and—