1 The building of the Wall. A strike. A settlement.
2 Humpty Dumpty arrives, and after several ineffectual
attempts to climb, rolls up to the top, where
he seats himself.
3 A gust of wind blows him off, dislodging one
brick. He falls. He breaks.
4 He pulls himself together. He has some pull.
5 He applies for summons against Balbus, builder of
the wall, for contributory negligence. To which
Balbus replies with a cross-summons for trespass and
nuisance.
6 Humpty Dumpty is asked his age. 23. Nuisance
held to be proved. Nasal organs likewise held. Judge
willing to grant injunction, but thinks con-junction
would be more useful after such a dis-junction.
7 King’s Proctor intervenes with statement of Royal
interest in plaintiff. Very old friend of family. Elicited
that squadron of cavalry had been sent out to assist.
8 Humpty Dumpty discharged with yellow stains
on clothing. Balbus bound over not to break the
pieces.
1 The Pieman makes the pies. Ingredients carefully
concealed. The Pieman’s crest: Bacillus Botulorum
rampantibus.
2 S. Simon starts off for his unwilling walk, and
meets Pieman. His mouth waters. He is penniless.
His eyes water. He is hankeyless. His nose waters.
3 He accosts the Pieman, who respectfully asks to
be allowed a private view of the colour of his money.
No money forthcomes.
4 A passing policeman arrests S. Simon for attempting
to obtain goods under false pretences.
5 The case is heard. Pies produced. Pies heard.
Magistrate orders Court to be cleared and sterilized.
6 Adjourned sitting. Simple Simon is proved to
be an undischarged bankrupt. Discharged accordingly.
Pieman bound over to keep the pies. He pleads for
mercy.
7 The Pieman’s nightmare. Procession of dogs,
cats, horses, and rats, headed by the Pied Piper.
The Pieman’s coat-of-arms: On a field sanguinary
semée de Melton Mowbray proper, a microbe vert,
armed cap-à-pie.
1 Miss Margery Daw’s home in Thibet. Her
boudoir. With inimitable nonchalance she lights a
cigarette. She turns pale. She dies. She disappears
from history.
2 Interior of See-saw factory in Honolulu. Visitor
sees see-saws. He sees saws. He sees saucy girls.
He sees sore hands. A class is being instructed on the
distribution of weight. He waits and sees.
3 Jenny at work with the weight and see-saw. The
foreman arrives and recriminates. Jenny responds in
kind, unkindly. Foreman retires hurt.
Jenny in the slave market.
4 Slave market at Jamaica. Jenny on sale, labelled
“Slow.” Wealthy Turk is successfully sold, and buys
her, being partial to sloe jin. Together they execute a
Turkish trot. (Inset, a Turkish execution.)
5 Jenny in her new master’s harem. (Censored.)
6 Jennina out walking, clothed in voluminous
tarboosh. Her glad eye. She is faster than was
thought. Her master catches her eye, intended for
a Young Turk, and throws it back.
7 Night. Darkness. Exterior of Harem. A sack
descends, falling into river with long, dull, lingering
splash.
1 A large bell rings itself. Grandsire Triples. Its
grandsire doubles.
2 A well is dug. Well, well!
3 J. Green, a very small boy, throws a dead cat into
the well. It bobs.
4 T. Stout, another very small boy, sits fishing on
the edge of the well. After some hours he pulls out
aforesaid cat. Cat goes (or should go) into the hunt.
5 The Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty
to Animals invokes the majesty of the law (which is
a hass), and attempts to crush J. Green, ætat 7. (Inset,
Johnny’s sister feeding Johnny’s chicken.)
6 The Royal Humane Society awards Medal and
Certificate to T. Stout, who is much moved. (Inset,
Tommy’s mother getting Tommy’s tea.)
7 The galled jade winces, and the large bell is
unrung in Stedman Triples instead.
INTERVAL
OF
TEN YEARS
BUT DON’T WASTE TIME
AND BUY A CUP OF
BOVRIL
It is not the cup that cheers; it is you who
applaud the contents.
1 Curly-Locks and Another washing dishes. Tender
passages. The passages become dark. Another penny
is placed in gas-meter.
2 Twenty years later. C. Locks sues unnamed
defendant for Breach of Promise. Many letters are
put in and read.
3 First letter:—
“My ownest Curly-girly,
Leave the hurly-burly
Of washing dishes.
Be my little wifey
Quick as saying knifey.
Loving wishes.”
Her reply:—“Is this a definitive offer?”
4 Next letter:—
“Googly-woogle, let the swine
Feed themselves when you are mine.
You shall sit on silken seats
Eating choicest sweety-meats.”
Her answer:—
“Once already I’ve asked you is it a
Prop.? Reply to my solicitor.”
5 The Jury disagree. They return to Court and
ask Judge if plaintiff may be directed to raise her
veil. (Sensation in Court.) She does so. Judge
faints. Jury retire hastily.
6 Verdict unanimously for defendant, with a rider
to the effect that he has had a lucky escape. Plaintiff
fined 1s. 3d. for malicious persecution, and recommended
to have mercy on all men by keeping visor
lowered.
1 Mountain scenery in Gloucestershire. Rain falls.
Curtain falls.
2 Foster, the medical student, in his laboratory,
cultivating bacteria, surrounded by stills, alembics,
crucibles, etc. His retorts uncourteous when bitten
by tame streptococcus. (Inset, his pet blue-eyed
staphylococcus begging for gelatine.)
3 Secretary of State for War arrives with his Staff.
Foster seizes the staff, which forthwith blossoms. He
is invited to accept a Commission. He demands
12½ per cent.
4 Selection Committee at War Office doubt Foster’s
skill. He produces pocket-knife and amputates Serjeant-Major’s
leg. He amputates both his own arms.
He is accepted, and gazetted Major-General.
5 Proceeding to Gloucester in charge of Ambulance
Column, he is caught in above-mentioned rain. He
steps out of his Daimler into a puddle. He sinks to
the waist. He is hauled out with improvised crane.
He resolves not to revisit Gloucester.
6 Being quite armless, he is allowed to indict
District Council for illegal detention.
7 Judge remarks that “he who comes into Equity
must come with clean hands.” As General Foster has
no hands, and as they would be dirty if he had, case
is dismissed, and he is struck off the Rolls-Royce.
1 Tycho Brahe in his observatory. His telescope
(by Dollond) brings the Moon so close that the Man
therefrom slides down the barrel. Tycho is astonied
some.
2 The checking of chronometers—(Inset, the Pagoda
at Kew)—shows that the visitor, travelling by summer
time, has arrived too early. He asks for Ordnance
map of Norfolk. T. Brahe replies “Sur-vey victis.”
3 The Man from Moon journeys southwards. He
arrives at Pampeluna, his cousin. He is hospitably
entertained with pease porridge.
“He burns his mouth.”
4 Porridge being made from O T meal, he burns his
mouth. He does the obvious, remarking that some
fools would have kept it in. The gentility of his
bringing up is questioned. Sic transit.
5 He is called to the Bar. He orders a split soda.
His cousin runs out. He is run in, for treatment which
is not of the nature and quality demanded. One
pussyfoot makes one rude.
6 Ascending in a paravane, he is assumed, as a
balloonatic, to be incapable of managing his affairs,
with costs on the High Court Scale, and the custody
of the weights thereunto belonging. The Man in the
Moon is deceitful upon the weights. He is altogether
lighter than alimony.
THE FIREPROOF CURTAIN — TOM, TOM, THE PIPER’S SON — OLD KING COLE — TAFFY WAS A WELSHMAN
IS LOWERED at least once during each chapter
in accordance with instructions from the Ministry
of Wealth shortly to be established.
You will not, however, be invited to invest
your savings, as by that time you will not have
any.
Therefore, now, while the cash is hot in your
pocket (or your stocking), take a stroll down
Ludgate Hill, and see other and more useful
Curtains (and Carpets, too).
Might Sir William Treloar be described as a
“Carpet Knight”? No, he is a Baronet; and
though there may be scions of many a
genealogical tree higher there is only one
Treloar.
1 A Peaceful farmyard in Macedonia. A herd of
swine is collecting pearls in silk purses. Swine are
more precious in the Balkans than good women.
2 Thomas, the Greek, arrives. He is not a Jew.
He despises jewellery and loves pork. He steals a
pig. (Inset, the squeal thereof.)
3 Thomas retires to a shady nook and consumes
the pig. He regrets it. So does the pig. Crackling
is heard.
4 Tom’s father, with his pipe. Pipe goes out.
Father goes in. (This is a striking scene.)
5 Thomas descends the street roaring. He is in
real pain. Mumm is not the word.
6 Action for assault and barratry, Thomas v. Pater.
Judge rules that plaintiff has saved his bacon, and
defendant is let off with a fine for being accessory after
the fat.
1 Exterior view of Royal Palace. Interior of
same—Dining Hall, Piping Room, Bowling Alley,
Fiddling Saloon. Queen Cole’s allotment. (Inset, a
few vegetables grown by the Princess Anthracite.)
2 The King calls for his pipe. No reply. Boy in
street is heard calling “Paiper.” Exit the King to
buy one.
3 The King calls for his bowl. No reply. He takes
from adjacent peg his bowler, which he dons.
4 The King calls for his three fiddlers. No reply.
Eventually enter three fiddles with low bows. The
King picks one up, and begins to play. Many dogs
come about him, and sit around howling.
5 A crowd arrives, kneeling, and praying him to
desist. Not having a crown on, the King borrows
half-a-crown from each member of the congregation.
This is apt to confound a fellow kneeling, so they rise.
6 The King thus assisting them to rise is hailed as
King Borwick I., afterwards altered, on better
acquaintance, to King Borrowit.
7 Having the fiddlers hanged on lamp-posts leads
to misprision of trees on the green. But the King can
do no wrong. He goes to write, and is left alone.
1 Mountain scenery in Wales. Cricket at Criccieth.
Stoolball at Llyngwllws.
2 Taffy at school, stealing marbles from playmates,
while they steal a march on him. The Welsh Marches.
3 Taffy arrives at my house, and makes guarded
enquiries as to location of larder. His questions
parried. We retire to sleep.
4 Next morning. Taffy missing. Leg of beef ditto.
I go to Taffy’s residence, and find him in bed. Only
available ornament in bedroom, Bones, Marrow, 1.
This I hurl at his head, and make tracks.
5 Applying at Police Station for protection against
Taffy’s murderous intentions, I am examined as to
causes precedent. It is suggested that legs of beef
are unusual joints to purchase at 1s. 8d. a week.
Dislike the suggestion, and propose to walk out in
dudgeon.
6 Dudgeon aforesaid discounted by slipping on
banana-skin. Uncontrollable Food Controller accuses
me of hoarding food. I refer him to Taffy, but he
has hidden the goods in a teacup labelled “Bullo.”
7 Chorus of Welsh bards, “Alas! my poor brother.”
