Had Stephen been better acquainted with men and women, she
would have been more satisfied with herself for being the first
at the tryst. The conventional idea, in the minds of most
women and of all men, is that a woman should never be the
first. But real women, those in whom the heart beats
strong, and whose blood can leap, know better. These are
the commanders of men. In them sex calls to sex, all
unconsciously at first; and men answer to their call, as they to
men’s.
Two opposite feelings strove for dominance as Stephen found
herself on the hilltop, alone. One a feeling natural enough
to any one, and especially to a girl, of relief that a dreaded
hour had been postponed; the other of chagrin that she was the
first.
After a few moments, however, one of the two militant thoughts
became dominant: the feeling of chagrin. With a pang she
thought if she had been a man and summoned for such a purpose,
how she would have hurried to the trysting-place; how the flying
of her feet would have vied with the quick rapturous beating of
her heart! With a little sigh and a blush, she remembered
that Leonard did not know the purpose of the meeting; that he was
a friend almost brought up with her since boy and girl times;
that he had often been summoned in similar terms and for the most
trivial of social purposes.
For nearly half an hour Stephen sat on the rustic seat under
the shadow of the great oak, looking, half unconscious of its
beauty and yet influenced by it, over the wide landscape
stretched at her feet.
In spite of her disregard of conventions, she was no fool; the
instinct of wisdom was strong within her, so strong that in many
ways it ruled her conscious efforts. Had any one told her
that her preparations for this interview were made deliberately
with some of the astuteness that dominated the Devil when he took
Jesus to the top of a high mountain and showed him all the
kingdoms of the earth at His feet, she would have, and with
truth, denied it with indignation. Nevertheless it was a
fact that she had, in all unconsciousness, chosen for the meeting
a spot which would evidence to a man, consciously or
unconsciously, the desirability for his own sake of acquiescence
in her views and wishes. For all this spreading landscape
was her possession, which her husband would share. As far
as the eye could reach was within the estate which she had
inherited from her father and her uncle.
The half-hour passed in waiting had in one way its advantages
to the girl: though she was still as high strung as ever, she
acquired a larger measure of control over herself. The
nervous tension, however, was so complete physically that all her
faculties were acutely awake; very early she became conscious of
a distant footstep.
To Stephen’s straining ears the footsteps seemed
wondrous slow, and more wondrous regular; she felt instinctively
that she would have liked to have listened to a more hurried
succession of less evenly-marked sounds. But
notwithstanding these thoughts, and the qualms which came in
their turn, the sound of the coming feet brought great joy.
For, after all, they were coming; and coming just in time to
prevent the sense of disappointment at their delay gaining firm
foothold. It was only when the coming was assured that she
felt how strong had been the undercurrent of her apprehension
lest they should not come at all.
Very sweet and tender and beautiful Stephen looked at this
moment. The strong lines of her face were softened by the
dark fire in her eyes and the feeling which glowed in the deep
blushes which mantled her cheeks. The proudness of her
bearing was no less marked than ever, but in the willowy sway of
her body there was a yielding of mere sorry pride. In all
the many moods which the gods allow to good women there is none
so dear or so alluring, consciously as well as instinctively, to
true men as this self-surrender. As Leonard drew near,
Stephen sank softly into a seat, doing so with a guilty feeling
of acting a part. When he actually came into the grove he
found her seemingly lost in a reverie as she gazed out over the
wide expanse in front of her. He was hot after his walk,
and with something very like petulance threw himself into a cane
armchair, exclaiming as he did so with the easy insolence of old
familiarity:
‘What a girl you are, Stephen! dragging a fellow all the
way up here. Couldn’t you have fixed it down below
somewhere if you wanted to see me?’
Strangely enough, as it seemed to her, Stephen did not dislike
his tone of mastery. There was something in it which
satisfied her. The unconscious recognition of his manhood,
as opposed to her womanhood, soothed her in a peaceful way.
It was easy to yield to a dominant man. She was never more
womanly than when she answered him softly:
‘It was rather unfair; but I thought you would not mind
coming so far. It is so cool and delightful here; and we
can talk without being disturbed.’ Leonard was lying
back in his chair fanning himself with his wide-brimmed straw
hat, with outstretched legs wide apart and resting on the back of
his heels. He replied with grudging condescension:
‘Yes, it’s cool enough after the hot tramp over
the fields and through the wood. It’s not so good as
the house, though, in one way: a man can’t get a drink
here. I say, Stephen, it wouldn’t be half bad if
there were a shanty put up here like those at the Grands Mulets
or on the Matterhorn. There could be a tap laid on where a
fellow could quench his thirst on a day like this!’
Before Stephen’s eyes floated a momentary vision of a
romantic châlet with wide verandah and big windows looking
over the landscape; a great wide stone hearth; quaint furniture
made from the gnarled branches of trees; skins on the floor; and
the walls adorned with antlers, great horns, and various trophies
of the chase. And amongst them Leonard, in a picturesque
suit, lolling back just as at present and smiling with a loving
look in his eyes as she handed him a great blue-and-white Munich
beer mug topped with cool foam. There was a soft mystery in
her voice as she answered:
‘Perhaps, Leonard, there will some day be such a place
here!’ He seemed to grumble as he replied:
‘I wish it was here now. Some day seems a long way
off!’
This seemed a good opening for Stephen; for the fear of the
situation was again beginning to assail her, and she felt that if
she did not enter on her task at once, its difficulty might
overwhelm her. She felt angry with herself that there was a
change in her voice as she said:
‘Some day may mean—can mean everything.
Things needn’t be a longer way off than we choose
ourselves, sometimes!’
‘I say, that’s a good one! Do you mean to
say that because I am some day to own Brindehow I can do as I
like with it at once, whilst the governor’s all there, and
a better life than I am any day? Unless you want me to
shoot the old man by accident when we go out on the
First.’ He laughed a short, unmeaning masculine laugh
which jarred somewhat on her. She did not, however, mean to
be diverted from her main purpose, so she went on quickly:
‘You know quite well, Leonard, that I don’t mean
anything of the kind. But there was something I wanted to
say to you, and I wished that we should be alone. Can you
not guess what it is?’
‘No, I’ll be hanged if I can!’ was his
response, lazily given.
Despite her resolution she turned her head; she could not meet
his eyes. It cut her with a sharp pain to notice when she
turned again that he was not looking at her. He continued
fanning himself with his hat as he gazed out at the view.
She felt that the critical moment of her life had come, that it
was now or never as to her fulfilling her settled
intention. So with a rush she went on her way:
‘Leonard, you and I have been friends a long time.
You know my views on some points, and that I think a woman should
be as free to act as a man!’ She paused; words and
ideas did not seem to flow with the readiness she expected.
Leonard’s arrogant assurance completed the dragging her
back to earth which her own self-consciousness began:
‘Drive on, old girl! I know you’re a crank
from Crankville on some subjects. Let us have it for all
you’re worth. I’m on the grass and
listening.’
Stephen paused. ‘A crank from
Crankville!’—this after her nights of sleepless
anxiety; after the making of the resolution which had cost her so
much, and which was now actually in process of realisation.
Was it all worth so much? why not abandon it now? . . . Abandon
it! Abandon a resolution! All the obstinacy of her
nature—she classed it herself as firmness—rose in
revolt. She shook her head angrily, pulled herself
together, and went on:
‘That may be! though it’s not what I call myself,
or what I am usually called, so far as I know. At any rate
my convictions are honest, and I am sure you will respect them as
such, even if you do not share them.’ She did not see
the ready response in his face which she expected, and so hurried
on:
‘It has always seemed to me that a—when a woman
has to speak to a man she should do so as frankly as she would
like him to speak to her, and as freely. Leonard,
I—I,’ as she halted, a sudden idea, winged with
possibilities of rescuing procrastination came to her. She
went on more easily:
‘I know you are in trouble about money matters.
Why not let me help you?’ He sat up and looked at her
and said genially:
‘Well, Stephen, you are a good old sort! No
mistake about it. Do you mean to say you would help me to
pay my debts, when the governor has refused to do so any
more?’
‘It would be a great pleasure to me, Leonard, to do
anything for your good or your pleasure.’
There was a long pause; they both sat looking down at the
ground. The woman’s heart beat loud; she feared that
the man must hear it. She was consumed with anxiety, and
with a desolating wish to be relieved from the strain of saying
more. Surely, surely Leonard could not be so blind as not
to see the state of things! . . . He would surely seize the
occasion; throw aside his diffidence and relieve her! . . . His
words made a momentary music in her ears as he spoke:
‘And is this what you asked me to come here
for?’
The words filled her with a great shame. She felt
herself a dilemma. It had been no part of her purpose to
allude his debts. Viewed in the light of what was to
follow, it would seem to him that she was trying to foreclose his
affection. That could not be allowed to pass; the
error must be rectified. And yet! . . . And yet this very
error must be cleared up before she could make her full wish
apparent. She seemed to find herself compelled by
inexorable circumstances into an unlooked-for bluntness. In
any case she must face the situation. Her pluck did not
fail her; it was with a very noble and graceful simplicity that
she turned to her companion and said:
‘Leonard, I did not quite mean that. It would be a
pleasure to me to be of that or any other service to you, if I
might be so happy! But I never meant to allude to your
debts. Oh! Leonard, can’t you understand!
If you were my husband—or—or going to be, all such
little troubles would fall away from you. But I would not
for the world have you think . . . ’
Her very voice failed her. She could not speak what was
in her mind; she turned away, hiding in her hands her face which
fairly seemed to burn. This, she thought, was the time for
a true lover’s opportunity! Oh, if she had been a
man, and a woman had so appealed, how he would have sprung to her
side and taken her in his arms, and in a wild rapture of declared
affection have swept away all the pain of her shame!
But she remained alone. There was no springing to her
side; no rapture of declared affection; no obliteration of her
shame. She had to bear it all alone. There, in the
open; under the eyes that she would fain have seen any other
phase of her distress. Her heart beat loud and fast; she
waited to gain her self-control.
Leonard Everard had his faults, plenty of them, and he was in
truth composed of an amalgam of far baser metals than Stephen
thought; but he had been born of gentle blood and reared amongst
gentlefolk. He did not quite understand the cause or the
amount of his companion’s concern; but he could not but
recognise her distress. He realised that it had followed
hard upon her most generous intention towards himself. He
could not, therefore, do less than try to comfort her, and he
began his task in a conventional way, but with a blundering
awkwardness which was all manlike. He took her hand and
held it in his; this much at any rate he had learned in sitting
on stairs or in conservatories after extra dances. He said
as tenderly as he could, but with an impatient gesture unseen by
her:
‘Forgive me, Stephen! I suppose I have said or
done something which I shouldn’t. But I don’t
know what it is; upon my honour I don’t. Anyhow, I am
truly sorry for it. Cheer up, old girl! I’m not
your husband, you know; so you needn’t be
distressed.’
Stephen took her courage à deux mains. If
Leonard would not speak she must. It was manifestly
impossible that the matter could be left in its present
state.
‘Leonard,’ she said softly and solemnly,
‘might not that some day be?’
Leonard, in addition to being an egotist and the very
incarnation of selfishness, was a prig of the first water.
He had been reared altogether in convention. Home life and
Eton and Christchurch had taught him many things, wise as well as
foolish; but had tended to fix his conviction that affairs of the
heart should proceed on adamantine lines of conventional
decorum. It never even occurred to him that a lady could so
far step from the confines of convention as to take the
initiative in a matter of affection. In his blind ignorance
he blundered brutally. He struck better than he knew, as,
meaning only to pass safely by an awkward conversational corner,
he replied:
‘No jolly fear of that! You’re too much of a
boss for me!’ The words and the levity with which
they were spoken struck the girl as with a whip. She turned
for an instant as pale as ashes; then the red blood rushed from
her heart, and face and neck were dyed crimson. It was not
a blush, it was a suffusion. In his ignorance Leonard
thought it was the former, and went on with what he considered
his teasing.
‘Oh yes! You know you always want to engineer a
chap your own way and make him do just as you wish. The man
who has the happiness of marrying you, Stephen, will have a hard
row to hoe!’ His ‘chaff’ with its utter
want of refinement seemed to her, in her high-strung earnest
condition, nothing short of brutal, and for a few seconds
produced a feeling of repellence. But it is in the nature
of things that opposition of any kind arouses the fighting
instinct of a naturally dominant nature. She lost sight of
her femininity in the pursuit of her purpose; and as this was to
win the man to her way of thinking, she took the logical course
of answering his argument. If Leonard Everard had purposely
set himself to stimulate her efforts in this direction he could
hardly have chosen a better way. It came somewhat as a
surprise to Stephen, when she heard her own words:
‘I would make a good wife, Leonard! A husband whom
I loved and honoured would, I think, not be unhappy!’
The sound of her own voice speaking these words, though the tone
was low and tender and more self-suppressing by far than was her
wont, seemed to peal like thunder in her own ears. Her last
bolt seemed to have sped. The blood rushed to her head, and
she had to hold on to the arms of the rustic chair or she would
have fallen forward.
The time seemed long before Leonard spoke again; every second
seemed an age. She seemed to have grown tired of waiting
for the sound of his voice; it was with a kind of surprise that
she heard him say:
‘You limit yourself wisely, Stephen!’
‘How do you mean?’ she asked, making a great
effort to speak.
‘You would promise to love and honour; but there
isn’t anything about obeying.’
As he spoke Leonard stretched himself again luxuriously, and
laughed with the intellectual arrogance of a man who is satisfied
with a joke, however inferior, of his own manufacture.
Stephen looked at him with a long look which began in
anger—that anger which comes from an unwonted sense of
impotence, and ends in tolerance, the intermediate step being
admiration. It is the primeval curse that a woman’s
choice is to her husband; and it is an important part of the
teaching of a British gentlewoman, knit in the very fibres of her
being by the remorseless etiquette of a thousand years, that she
be true to him. The man who has in his person the necessary
powers or graces to evoke admiration in his wife, even for a
passing moment, has a stronghold unconquerable as a rule by all
the deadliest arts of mankind.
Leonard Everard was certainly good to look upon as he lolled
at his ease on that summer morning. Tall, straight, supple;
a typical British gentleman of the educated class, with all parts
of the body properly developed and held in some kind of suitable
poise.
As Stephen looked, the anxiety and chagrin which tormented her
seemed to pass. She realised that here was a nature
different from her own, and which should be dealt with in a way
unsuitable to herself; and the conviction seemed to make the
action which it necessitated more easy as well as more natural to
her. Perhaps for the first time in her life Stephen
understood that it may be necessary to apply to individuals a
standard of criticism unsuitable to self-judgment. Her
recognition might have been summed up in the thought which ran
through her mind:
‘One must be a little lenient with a man one
loves!’
Stephen, when once she had allowed the spirit of toleration to
work within her, felt immediately its calming influence. It
was with brighter thoughts and better humour that she went on
with her task. A task only, it seemed now; a means to an
end which she desired.
‘Leonard, tell me seriously, why do you think I gave you
the trouble of coming out here?’
‘Upon my soul, Stephen, I don’t know.’
‘You don’t seem to care either, lolling like that
when I am serious!’ The words were acid, but the tone
was soft and friendly, familiar and genuine, putting quite a
meaning of its own on them. Leonard looked at her
indolently:
‘I like to loll.’
‘But can’t you even guess, or try to guess, what I
ask you?’
‘I can’t guess. The day’s too hot, and
that shanty with the drinks is not built yet.’
‘Or may never be!’ Again he looked at her
sleepily.
‘Never be! Why not?’
‘Because, Leonard, it may depend on you.’
‘All right then. Drive on! Hurry up the
architect and the jerry-builder!’
A quick blush leaped to Stephen’s cheeks. The
words were full of meaning, though the tone lacked something; but
the news was too good. She could not accept it at once; she
decided to herself to wait a short time. Ere many seconds
had passed she rejoiced that she had done so as he went on:
‘I hope you’ll give me a say before that husband
of yours comes along. He might be a blue-ribbonite; and it
wouldn’t do to start such a shanty for rot-gut!’
Again a cold wave swept over her. The absolute
difference of feeling between the man and herself; his levity
against her earnestness, his callous blindness to her purpose,
even the commonness of his words chilled her. For a few
seconds she wavered again in her intention; but once again his
comeliness and her own obstinacy joined hands and took her back
to her path. With chagrin she felt that her words almost
stuck in her throat, as summoning up all her resolution she went
on:
‘It would be for you I would have it built,
Leonard!’ The man sat up quickly.
‘For me?’ he asked in a sort of wonderment.
‘Yes, Leonard, for you and me!’ She turned
away; her blushes so overcame her that she could not look at
him. When she faced round again he was standing up, his
back towards her.
She stood up also. He was silent for a while; so long
that the silence became intolerable, and she spoke:
‘Leonard, I am waiting!’ He turned round and
said slowly, the absence of all emotion from his face chilling
her till her face blanched:
‘I don’t think I would worry about it!’
Stephen Norman was plucky, and when she was face to face with
any difficulty she was all herself. Leonard did not look
pleasant; his face was hard and there was just a suspicion of
anger. Strangely enough, this last made the next step
easier to the girl; she said slowly:
‘All right! I think I understand!’
He turned from her and stood looking out on the distant
prospect. Then she felt that the blow which she had all
along secretly feared had fallen on her. But her pride as
well as her obstinacy now rebelled. She would not accept a
silent answer. There must be no doubt left to torture her
afterwards. She would take care that there was no
mistake. Schooling herself to her task, and pressing one
hand for a moment to her side as though to repress the beating of
her heart, she came behind him and touched him tenderly on the
arm.
‘Leonard,’ she said softly, ‘are you sure
there is no mistake? Do you not see that I am asking
you,’ she intended to say ‘to be my husband,’
but she could not utter the words, they seemed to stick in her
mouth, so she finished the sentence: ‘that I be your
wife?’
The moment the words were spoken—the bare, hard, naked,
shameless words—the revulsion came. As a lightning
flash shows up the blackness of the night the appalling truth of
what she had done was forced upon her. The blood rushed to
her head till cheeks and shoulders and neck seemed to burn.
Covering her face with her hands she sank back on the seat crying
silently bitter tears that seemed to scald her eyes and her
cheeks as they ran.
Leonard was angry. When it began to dawn upon him what
was the purpose of Stephen’s speech, he had been
shocked. Young men are so easily shocked by breaches of
convention made by women they respect! And his pride was
hurt. Why should he have been placed in such a ridiculous
position! He did not love Stephen in that way; and she
should have known it. He liked her and all that sort of
thing; but what right had she to assume that he loved her?
All the weakness of his moral nature came out in his
petulance. It was boyish that his eyes filled with
tears. He knew it, and that made him more angry than
ever. Stephen might well have been at a loss to understand
his anger, as, with manifest intention to wound, he answered
her:
‘What a girl you are, Stephen. You are always
doing something or other to put a chap in the wrong and make him
ridiculous. I thought you were joking—not a good joke
either! Upon my soul, I don’t know what I’ve
done that you should fix on me! I wish to
goodness—’
If Stephen had suffered the red terror before, she suffered
the white terror now. It was not injured pride, it was not
humiliation, it was not fear; it was something vague and terrible
that lay far deeper than any of these. Under ordinary
circumstances she would have liked to have spoken out her mind
and given back as good as she got; and even as the thoughts
whirled through her brain they came in a torrent of vague
vituperative eloquence. But now her tongue was tied.
Instinctively she knew that she had put it out of her power to
revenge, or even to defend herself. She was tied to the
stake, and must suffer without effort and in silence.
Most humiliating of all was the thought that she must
propitiate the man who had so wounded her. All love for him
had in the instant passed from her; or rather she realised fully
the blank, bare truth that she had never really loved him at
all. Had she really loved him, even a blow at his hands
would have been acceptable; but now . . .
She shook the feelings and thoughts from her as a bird does
the water from its wings; and, with the courage and strength and
adaptability of her nature, addressed herself to the hard task
which faced her in the immediate present. With eloquent,
womanly gesture she arrested the torrent of Leonard’s
indignation; and, as he paused in surprised obedience, she
said:
‘That will do, Leonard! It is not necessary to say
any more; and I am sure you will see, later on, that at least
there was no cause for your indignation! I have done an
unconventional thing, I know; and I dare say I shall have to pay
for it in humiliating bitterness of thought later on! But
please remember we are all alone! This is a secret between
us; no one else need ever know or suspect it!’
She rose as she concluded. The quiet dignity of her
speech and bearing brought back Leonard in some way to his sense
of duty as a gentleman. He began, in a sheepish way, to
make an apology:
‘I’m sure I beg your pardon, Stephen.’
But again she held the warning hand:
‘There is no need for pardon; the fault, if there were
any, was mine alone. It was I, remember, who asked you to
come here and who introduced and conducted this melancholy
business. I have asked you several things, Leonard, and one
more I will add—’tis only one: that you will
forget!’
As she moved away, her dismissal of the subject was that of an
empress to a serf. Leonard would have liked to answer her;
to have given vent to his indignation that, even when he had
refused her offer, she should have the power to treat him if he
was the one refused, and to make him feel small and ridiculous in
his own eyes. But somehow he felt constrained to silence;
her simple dignity outclassed him.
There was another factor too, in his forming his conclusion of
silence. He had never seen Stephen look so well, or so
attractive. He had never respected her so much as when her
playfulness had turned to majestic gravity. All the boy and
girl strife of the years that had gone seemed to have passed
away. The girl whom he had played with, and bullied, and
treated as frankly as though she had been a boy, had in an
instant become a woman—and such a woman as demanded respect
and admiration even from such a man.