THE MAN.
What I have to write is of such great value, the circumstances
so peculiar, the record so strange, and the
truths so startling, that it is but proper I should explain
who and what I am, in order that any person, so disposed,
may fully verify for himself the things I am
about to relate.
Just at that most quiet hour of all the twenty-four, in
the city, on a summer’s morning, when the darkness is
stubbornly giving way to daylight, there came a violent
ring at Mr. Hobbs’ door-bell, followed up with what
seemed to be quite an unnecessary knocking.
Mr. Hobbs was interested in an elevator, and when he
heard that ring he was sure the elevator had burned—in
fact, he had a presentiment that such would be the case;
besides this, Mr. Hobbs always carried a goodly assortment
of fears ready to use at any moment.
“There, didn’t I tell you!” he excitedly exclaimed to
his wife, as he rushed down the stairs—he hadn’t told
his wife anything, just bottled up his fears in his own
bosom and let them ferment, but that made no difference—“Didn’t
I tell you!” and he hastily unlocked and
opened the door. No one there!
He looked up the street and down the street. Nothing
but a clothes-basket, covered over with a threadbare
shawl, which evidently a long time ago had been
a costly one. Mr. Hobbs expected a messenger with
bad news and Mr. Hobbs was disappointed, in fact was
mad; and he snatched that shawl from the basket,
staggered against the door, and a voice, like unto that
of a young and lusty bull, went up the stairway where
Mrs. Hobbs stood peering over the banisters:
“Maria, for God’s sake come quick! There’s something
awful happened! Quick, will you!”
Mrs. Hobbs was not very brave, but curiosity often
reinforces courage; so the good lady came down the
stairs two steps at a time, and stood by the side of her liege,
who had got his breath by this time and stood peering
over the basket.
And there they stood together, all in white, with bare
feet, on the front porch, and nearly broad daylight.
In the basket, all wrapped up in dainty flannel, smiling,
cooing and kicking up its heels, lay a baby—well,
perhaps two months old, and on a card written with
pencil were these words:
“God knows.”
Mr. and Mrs. Hobbs had no children, and they each
looked upon this as a gift from providence—basket and
all. They cared for the waif as their own child, and if
their reward does not come in this life, I am sure it will
in another.
“Her name shall be Aspasia Hobbs, for I always said
my first girl (Mr. and Mrs. Hobbs had been married five
years, and had no children, but the babies were already
named; which, I am told, is the usual custom) should
be named Aspasia, after your mother, dear,” said Mrs.
Hobbs.
And Aspasia Hobbs it was, and is yet: and I am
Aspasia Hobbs: and Mr. and Mrs. Hobbs are the only
parents I have ever known.
I am now an old maid, aged thirty-seven (I must tell
the truth). I am homely and angular, and can pass along
the street without a man turning to look at me. From
five years’ constant pounding on a caligraph my hands
have grown large and my knuckles and the ends of my
fingers are like knobs. I can walk twenty miles a day,
or ride a wheel fifty.
The bishop of Western New York, in a sermon
preached recently, said riding bicycles is “unladylike”
(and so is good health for that matter)—but if the good
bishop would lay aside prejudice and robe and mount
a safety, he could still show men the right way as well as
now—possibly better, who knows?
But, in the language of Spartacus, “I was not always
thus.” Thank Heaven, I am strong and well! They
used to say, “She is such a delicate, sensitive child, we
can not keep her without we take very, v-e-r-y good care
of her.” Some fool has said that hundreds of people die
every year because they have such “very good care.”
My father was a member of the firm of Hobbs, Nobbs
& Porcine, was a Board of Trade man, and, therefore,
had no time to give to his children; but he was a good
provider, as the old ladies say, and used to remind us
of it quite often. “Don’t I get you everything you
need?” he once roared at my mother, when she hinted
that an evening home once in a while would not be out
of place. “Here you have an up-stairs girl, a cook, a
laundress, a coachman, a gardener, a tutor for Aspasia,
and don’t I pay Doctor Bolus just five hundred dollars a
year to call here every week and examine you all so as
to keep you healthy? Great Scott, the ingratitude of
woman! they are getting worse and worse every day!”
My father was a good man—that is he was not bad,
so he must have been good. He never used tobacco,
and I never heard him swear but once, and that was
when Professor Connors brought in a bill reading:
“Debtor, to calisthenics for wife and daughter, $50.”
“I’ll pay it,” said my father grimly, “but I will deduct
it from Bolus’ check, for you say it’s for the health and
therefore it belongs to Bolus’ department and he should
have furnished the goods.”
We lived on Delaware avenue, in one of the finest
houses, which my father bought and had furnished
throughout before my mother or any one of us were
allowed to enter. He was a good man, and wanted to
astonish—that is to say, surprise us. So one Saturday
night, at dinner, he said,
“On Monday, my dears, we will leave this old Michigan
street for a house on the ‘Avenue.’ I have
given up our pew in Grace Church, and to-morrow, and
hereafter, Rev. Fred. C. Inglehart and Delaware avenue
are plenty good enough for us.”
Our family have the finest monument in Forest Lawn,
and father assured us that if Methusalah was now a boy
this monument would be new when his great grandchildren
died of old age. He waxed enthusiastic, and
added, as he lapsed into reverie,
“It’s a regular James Dandy, and knocks out Rodgers
and Jowette in one round.”
I am a graduate of Dr. Chesterfield’s academy, and
also of the high-school. I have studied music with Mr.
McNerney and Senor Nuno, elocution with Steele Mackaye;
and father once offered to wager Mr. Porcine that
“Aspasia could do up any girl on the avenue or Franklin
street at the piano.”
I was a rich (alleged) man’s daughter, and as I had a
managing mamma and went in society I had the usual
love (how that word is abused!) experiences. I am not
writing an autobiography, but merely telling what is
absolutely necessary for you to know of me; otherwise,
I would relate some insipid mush about flirtations with
several gilded youths, who waltzed delightfully and
made love abominably—just as if a man could make
love! But suffice it to say, I never, in those old days,
met a man I could not part with and feel relieved when
he had taken his “darby” and slender cane and hied
him down the steps. Mamma said I was heartless and
didn’t know a good chance when I saw it.
One little affair of the pocket-book—that is, I mean
of the heart—might be mentioned. A certain attorney,
Pygmalion Woodbur by name—old Buffalonians know
him well—paid his respects to me in an uneasy and
stilted fashion. He was ten years my senior, had a
monster yellow moustache generally colored black, which
he combed down over the cavern in his face. He dressed
in the latest, and was looked upon as a great catch.
How these old bachelor men-about-town are lionized by a
certain set of women!
He called several times, invited himself to dinner,
took mamma riding and threw out side glances—grimaces—in
my direction. One fine evening I sat reading
in the parlor, alone, and in walked Mr. Woodbur and
began about thusly:
“Aspasia—I may call you by your first name, now
can’t I?—and you must call me Pyggie, for short. I
have just spoken to your father and he says it’s all
right,” etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.
He slid off from the sofa on his knees, and seized my
left hand and kissed it violently.
Fair lady, have you ever been kissed with a rush, by
a man with a large yellow moustache colored black?
Well it’s just like being jabbed with a paint brush!
Now, after his poorly memorized speech had been delivered,
and I had jerked my hand away, there was a
pause. I tried to laugh and I tried to cry; then I tried
to faint, and was too mad to do either; so I just inwardly
raged and then came the explosion—
“No! no! no! a thousand times no! Stick to you,
Woodbur! Never! I hate you—get out of my sight,
quick!”
Just then in came papa and mamma, who it seems
were taking a turn about at the keyhole.
“Why! why what’s the matter with my little girl,”
and I fell sobbing in my mother’s arms.
“You must excuse her, Mr. Woodbur,” said the good
lady. “Since her sunstroke, she has these spells quite
often. You will excuse her, I know.”
“Why, when was the gal struck! You never told
me nothing about it,” broke in my father.
“Now Hobbs, don’t be a fool,” said my mother under
her breath.
Father started to answer. Woodbur saw his opportunity,
and escaped under cover of the smoke, and forgot
to come back for his umbrella, which I now have
tied up with a white ribbon and put away with mint
and lavender in memory of days gone by—and the best
that I can say of the days that have gone by is that
they have gone by.
As time wore, life seemed to grow dull and heavy, my
cheeks grew pale, and in summer I sat on the piazza,
often from breakfast until dinner-time, with a white crepe
shawl thrown about my shoulders, listlessly watching
the passers-by. Mother said, “Poor girl, I wish she
would get mad just once as she used to. She is so good
and submissive.” Doctor Bolus said I needed cod liver
oil with strong doses of quinine, and once a week Glauber
salts taken in molasses and sulphur; but still in spite
of all medicine could do for me, I grew weaker and
weaker. I fed on Mrs. Hemans and Tupper, and finally
they carried me daily out to the big carriage, and the
coachman was instructed to drive very slowly, and we
went out through the Park, out to Forest Lawn and
looked at our family monument, which gleamed in the
beautiful sunshine.
Mother generally rode with me, and one morning she
left me waiting in the carriage while she went over near
our “lot,” so she could more closely inspect the monument.
While waiting the coachman turned to me and
said:
“Missis, yer father have bust, yer mother don’t know
it; but you are no fool, missis, and I thought you should
know it, to kinder prepare like. They have been around
inventizering the horses and carriages and are going to
sell them next week—see? And my wife said you are
the only one who has sense, and I should break the news
to you easy like—see?”
I heard him rattling on, but did not seem to understand
what he said; but I felt my heart beating fast
and the blood coming to my cheeks. The old dead submissiveness
was gone, and I said:
“John, shut up, and repeat to me what you said
first.”
“Nothin’,” said John, “only that your father have
bust and run off to Canada, and C. J. Hummer and the
rest is goin’ to bounce you out next week.”
I saw his grieved tone, or felt it rather, and said:
“John, I did not mean to speak cross to you.”
“Never mind, missis, I have no favors to ax, and you
couldn’t grant eny even if I did—for your father have
bust, dwye see?”
Mother was coming from the monument, and greatly
vexed, I saw.
“Why, Smythe has not put any foundation under it
at all scarcely,” she said, as she stepped into the carriage.
“The weight on top is gradually crushing the
bottom, and I believe it is full six inches toppled over
to the west.”
“It is probably going west to grow up with the country,”
I said.
Think of such a remark from a dying invalid!
My mother turned in astonishment to see if it was
really her daughter.
“John,” said I, “drive home—go fast—let them out,
will you—go home quick. Mrs. Hobbs is not well.”
I felt an awful propensity to joke, and a wild exultation
and pleasure came over me that I had not known
since we used to climb the hills at our summer-house at
Strykersville. John cracked the whip and saluted all
the other coachmen as we passed. He whistled, and so
did I. For the first time in five years I felt free; and
John had lost the fear that he would not be impressive,
and he too was free. My mother sat bolt upright in a
rage.
“You are both drunk,” she said. “John, sit straight
on that box. Don’t carry the whip over your shoulder,
and don’t cross your legs or I will discharge you Saturday
night!”
John turned round—smiled—looked at me and winked.