The life and adventures of a cat

LONDON:

Printed for Willoughby Mynors, in
Middle-Row, Holborn.
M DCC LX.

THE
HISTORY
OF A
CAT.

It has been ever a sage remark of the wisest philosophers, that all creatures bear about them the criterion of their peculiar nature: Such as the ferocity of the Lyon, the grimness of the Tyger, the cunning of the Fox: Among the animals who boast of gravity, none can pretend to that sedateness which the Cat, on first view, arrogates to itself above all others. The Owl, indeed, has time immemorial, dared to enter the lists, and therefore was by the ignorant ancients, dedicated to Minerva, the goddess of Wisdom, but whether the Owl’s letters patent were ever made out for that title, is a question, which must be decided by the more learned,

The Ass too has had the assurance, to throw down his gauntlet in this tournament, tho’ with no better a face than his competitor, the bird of Minerva. But what person, tho’ ever so little inclined, to the talents of observation, could possibly avoid taking notice of the uncommon prudery of the Cat. He, or she, male, or female, shall take their post close by a fire side, with all the conformity, with all that respectable quality, which should entitle him or her to a notable attention. Nay the old ladies, vulgarly called old women, have been so hardy as to say, that Cats are witches, that they can prognosticate, foretell, predict, and what not? and it is affirmed by some of those venerable matrons, that a cat has made an Almanack. I have heard indeed, and with some aspect of credibility, that a Cat is something barometrical, or in plainer terms bears a resemblance to a weather glass; that when she washes her face, it is a sign of good weather, and when she is in her frolicks, it will blow hard, but how to attest these diagnostic symptoms is above our capacity, and even Pliny himself the natural historian would be puzzled to decide a matter of such consequence.

To possess two qualities eminently distinct, is the inheritance of no creature upon earth. The Dog is faithful, vigilant, docile, and of an excellent scent. The Horse boasts of many virtues, and amiable endowments; his speed, his strength and other illustrious talents recommend him to man: So of other animals; but none of these enumerates good qualities diametrically opposite each other. Now in the Cat, there appears the utmost austerity, with the greatest levity. A rake and a senator are most wonderfully compounded. Who can analize these differing ingredients, so demure a puritan on a sudden, converted into the most absolute debauchè? One time sitting for four or five hours in the attitude of solemnity, and then on sudden break out into the most dissolute festivity. These qualities, so dissonant, so very opposite to each other, must indicate something superior in the animal, whose history we are at present writing, and we think we have proved this superiority of the Cat above all other animals so incontestibly, that all historians, ancient and modern, must submit to our sublime decree, or else confute our at present irrefragable argument in some future treatise.

Nature has bestowed in the distribution of her various gifts, some characterestic badge to every animal, by which they know and are known to each other; and by which they are conversible with, or envious to one another. Sociability, or the love of herding, is not so peculiar to man, as man would boast. Lyons, horses, dogs, Cats, and the other species are as fond of forming colonies as we are. And yet in contradistinction to this principle, we see the Lion chase the Jack-all for his caterer. The Jack-all, says Pliny, is endowed with the most excellent nose to investigate the paths of those weak, or timorous beasts, which are the Lion’s prey. This scent renders him the more useful to his friend the Lyon, whom he leads by the nose to a herd of deer or oxen. The Lyon, wanting this fine scent, and convinced of his deficience, takes into his familiarity, and confidence, this weak animal, who makes use of the other’s strength, and from his own inability in personal prowess, compensates the loss by the admirable organization of his odorific nerves. Thus, in like manner, the Pilot-fish conveys the Shark to his prey: And I have read in some learned antiquary of a bird, called the Tooth-pick, which lives on the leavings of the Crocodile, who having filled his belly with what fish he can pick up in the Nile, lies on his back, on the banks of that river, and basks himself with delight, while this bird, guided by instinct, and no way afraid of his terrors, perches on his teeth, and from the gleanings feeds himself to satiety. We ought not in this detail omit to take notice of the Fly-eater, who puts his tongue out, till several thousand flies, have in swarms covered it, and when he perceives it to be pretty well stocked, all on a sudden introduces the cargo, where it is fairly entered; and this trick he plays for several hours, till the custom-house can hold no more.

There are few people but have either seen or heard of the learned Dog, Le Chien Scavant, and yet his uncommon knowledge, except we should now record it, will appear incredible to posterity. He could read, write, and figure, play cards, spell any person’s names, with many other parts in useful knowledge; and, as Hudibras says,

We have heard of a dog who saved money, and lent it out to usury; of a horse that would usually of a morning go out a hunting with the hounds; of the Elephant there are many strange accounts, among the rest of his surprising gratitude and love for his keeper, his vast memory, and retention, and his understanding the language of those among whom he is reared; I say, these and more excellencies of the several creatures are to be found all concentered in the Cat, therefore expecting an implicit belief to all we have advanced, concerning this most sagacious of all sagacious animals, we shall immediately enter upon, and to our history, still reserving to ourselves the honour of having said nothing but was necessary to introduce our hero into the world.

Mab, the mother of Tom, was left a widow by a former husband, who had left behind him no great means to support her, and therefore she wisely thought it the best expedient she could make use of to change her condition once more, and enter into the state of matrimony. We are left in the dark, as to the person who performed the ceremony, nor are we certain, whether the Feline gentleman who tied them together, was regularly qualified to do his office, but he discharged it to the great satisfaction of both parties; though some are malicious enough to insinuate, that he went snacks with the bridegroom that very night, who not having it in his power to provide a wedding-supper, is reported by the best historians, to have left his wife in very unuxorious manner to run after a Rat, which served him for supper. Now as it is a wise child that knows his own father, so we dare not insist upon Tom’s being the lawful issue of Mowser, or the spurious child of the parson; be that as it will, he was brought into this troublesome world on the 29th. day of September, a day memorable for the perplexity which the generality of tenants are in, to find or raise money to pay their rents. On account of this day on which he was born, several of his father’s friends were for having him called Michael, but more solid arguments, which we never heard, being offered, he was called Tom. His poor mother having born nine helpless children beside himself, and being exhausted in spirits, by the hard labour which she underwent, expired in the company of the midwife, and some other good neighbours, of the Feline species, who performed their last office, and buried her in an adjacent Dunghill. Mab’s Mistress was seeking her, and having called to no purpose, found ten very fine bantlings lying under the bed, nine of which she drowned, and saved one, who happened to be our illustrious Hero, she took the care of Tom on herself, intending he should spend his days with her in regard to his mother Mab, of whom she never could get any tidings ever after; she did not care to put him out to nurse, having heard so many sad stories of those nurses daily employed to supply the foundling Hospital, and therefore she determined, to nurse him herself. This is the truest account we could collect from the best authors, concerning his birth; as to his genealogy, we did examine into that, and to that end ransacked several circulating libraries for Welch records, which we traced backwards even to the Cat of Whittington, but found nothing that we dared advance as truth, for we scorn to impose upon our readers, with reports or facts, which we cannot vouch for. Nevertheless we make no question, but Tom’s parents, by father and mother’s side, could put in their claim to as high a descent, in Feline genealogy as Whittinton’s Cat, or the famous Cat of Montaigne, who laughed at her Master for being such a fool, as to spend his time in playing with her, and actually told him so, or Montaigne himself is a liar, who very gravely reports it for truth in some of his essays.

It was Tom’s peculiar beauty, and size that saved his life, for his Mistress had Eyes, and chose him out of ten, so that he was a kind of tythe Cat, and survived the unhappy fate of his brothers, and sisters by decimation, proving to the disgrace of Methodists, that even among Cats, one in ten may be saved, though according to their illustrious tenets, that will not be the portion of one in ten of themselves. However Tom grew up and gave earnest of being a most promising youth, having gone thro’ all the gambols and feats of childhood, peculiar to those of his kind, and to the great satisfaction of all who knew him, or had the honour of his acquaintance.—His Mistress, however was inexcuseable in point of tenderness, who not being sufficiently pleased with his beauty, thought the cutting off his Ears would be an abundant addition to that article; a barbarous instance of her love for him, but in consequence of her resolution Tom lost his Ears, for having done no crime to deserve amputation, when thousands walk the Streets with their ears on, who have a thousand times deserved to lose them. His mistress, whose name was Mrs. Clotilda-Skin-Flint, began to take another more cruel thought into her head, and that was to deprive him of his manhood, by equipping him for the Opera, and was advised to put this dreadful scheme into execution by a female neighbour of hers, called Rugana, but as this was as troublesome as it was expensive, she permitted him to keep his pebbles, as marks of that virility, which he afterwards testified to several young Cats of his acquaintance.—Whether Tom ever came to the knowledge of this sanguinary intent of his Mistress, we never could learn, if he did, he must no doubt be sensibly affected with delight to find, that by its being laid aside, he found himself in possession of that treasure which entitled him to the honourable appellation of Ram-Cat. His mistress, after having bred him up to feed himself, and to provide for his own sustenance, left him to shift for the necessaries of life, by all those means, which most of his kind make use of to get a livelyhood, namely by Mouseing, and having before he was half a year old, rid not only her house, but that neighbourhood of the rats and mice which infested them, he bore the credit of being an excellent mowser, for he got no other reward, and was forced for sometime to live upon that empty saying, Virtue is its own Reward, verifying that fine anecdote of Juvenal, Ladatum Virtus et alget, which for the sake of our English Reader, we will suppose to signify, that a good or a wise man may starve in the midst of Fleet-Market, for any thing he is likely to get from either fools or knaves. Mrs. Clotilda-Skin-Flint, was one of those admirable ladies, who go in quest of obsolete robes, and had raised a tolerable sum by levying contributions on the necessitous, who where glad to part with their vestments for the tenth part of their intrinsic value: she had, to make her own employment more lucrative, wedded an old taylor, whom she married purely on the account of his dexterity and skill in, or repairing the breaches of old clothes, and making them pass for new: by this profitable business she was enabled to keep a very sightly shop in the purlieus of Monmouth-Street, and was by her lending out small sums of money to the butchers, who dealt with her at an extravagant usury, in possession of five hundred pounds in money and stock.

Tom did not approve of his Mistress’s niggarly temper, and though he made several attempts upon her larder, he seldom availed himself of the expedition, being glad to get off with whole bones, he being a rival in these purloinings with the old taylor, his master, who was as narrowly watched as himself in these kind of invasions, and whom his wife had starved, cudgel’d, and cuckolded into the bargain. However, one day, Tom laid a plot, and being determined to assuage the cries of hunger, he resolutely attacked two pound of beef-stakes, which were contrary to former caution left to his mercy, as the mistress had indulged herself too plentifully with the ratifai of St. Giles’s, commonly called Gin. The maid had been absent by accident, at the time of this depredation, Tom prudently withdrew, when he had eat up his delicious cates, and left the blame to fall upon either the maid, or the old taylor, the former of which fasted that day for her negligence, and was discharged without payment of her wages, while old snip had like to have been destroyed by the weight of the goose, with which his tender rib did belabour him to his no small mortification, and of which he lay ill for three days to his wife’s utter discontent, as she was forced to hire a journeyman to finish some work he had begun.

The maid servant being thus deprived of her wages by her rapacious mistress, and knowing that ridicule would be the best method to expose her, went to a bailiff, a relation of her own, and told him the case, adding, that she thought the nearest way to obtain an effectual remedy both for her wages and her private satisfaction, was to expose her mistress by some stroke of ridicule, which would be matter of laughter to all the neighbours, who hated her for her avarice and rapine, and that a comical revenge had struck into her head on a sudden, which she determined that very day, with his assistance to put into execution, he promised not only to give her the best assistance in his power, but also to be himself the instrument of her immediate revenge, whereupon she asked him if he would take upon him to arrest the Cat, who by eating the beef stakes, had been the occasion of her being deprived of her place, together with her wages; she owned that she had no particular pique of resentment against the Cat, who had been for many weeks a fellow sufferer with herself in the article of starving, and she protested that she would have done the same had she been a Cat, but as she was a Woman, and not used to eat raw beef, she therefore had never thought of stealing them; that it often happened, she used to steal a slice of bread and cheese for her poor old master, whom her barbarous mistress had also locked up the victuals from, and that she had run the risque to serve him, though his wife had privately marked the bread and cheese. Certainly said the bailiff, your cause is just, and you have sufficient reason to complain. There is no law why a Cat may or may not be taken for theft; horses are subject to be impounded, and so are cows, sheep and pigs liable to imprisonment for misdemeanors of this nature; therefore as no law exists why your fellow servant should not be arrested, I will take it upon my self to make out his Mittimus, and if his mistress thinks fit to remove him by habeas Corpus, she may, but it shall cost her something, besides the procuring you your wages; I don’t regard, says the girl, my wages so much as my private revenge to have her exposed to her neighbours. That, answered the bailiff, shall be done, for I will have a whole posse of constables with me, and we will beset the house, and take her favourite before the whole street. They parted, she to observe the execution of her comical revenge, and he to raise the posse.

It was about the meridian hour, when the Sun is vertical over the heads of mortals, in plain English, it was about twelve o’clock high noon, when the bailiff appeared with his frightful posse of scare-crows, and beset the shop, to the utter dismay and consternation of the inhabitants of the wardrobe in Monmouth-street. Mrs. Clotilda Skinflint, and her Cornutus, had just sat down to a pig’s foot and vinegar, (which was the portion allotted for her spouse’s dinner,) two roasted pigeons, with toast and butter, being laid before herself, with a pint of that beer commonly called porter, while a pint of Adam’s ale, was very likely thought good enough to allay the thirst of her journeyman spouse and yoke-fellow.

Tom never dreamed of any prosecution in law being carried on against him, and therefore was purring an inoffensive song, in expectation of the skeleton of the pigeons, a leg of which he was cranching with sensible delight, when he was interrupted by the entrance of one of the bailiffs, who was followed by several others, who secured the person of Tom, and another shewed the warrant, that they might not be accused of doing any thing illegal, or contrary to form, and while some of them remained to explain the nature and legality of this seizure, he who made the caption, carried him to the first prison which came in his way, and delivered him into Salva Custoda, under the name of Tom Filch, at the same time giving the goaler and the other prisoners, a facetious and short narrative of the whole affair, and the history of the parties concerned. When the prisoners discovered, that it was all a piece of waggery, they entered hastily into the joke, and hearing that Tom the prisoner was the favourite particular of a substantial house-keeper, who would in all probability release him by paying his fees; they boldly and with one voice demanded garnish of Tom, who not being used to such questions from strangers, did not think proper to answer them. Now, if they had according to the custom of garnish, threatened to strip him, What could they have of a Cat but his Skin? But as he made no answer to their previous question, they thought it more adviseable to lock him in a dark cell, and called for ale, which for the joke’s sake, was not denied them in so unprecedented a garnish, and they sat down to regale themselves, where we shall leave them in order to finish this chapter and begin another.

It has been a usual, and a wise method too let me tell you, with all Biographers to relax the reader’s mind with somewhat episodical in imitation of Homer and Virgil in their Epics, who introduce several respectable persons into the drama, beside Achilles, and Æneas, so have we thought that we should oblige our readers, who would in return be obliged to us for not cramming them with the single adventures of Tom the Cat only, since we have this fair opportunity of opening a fine prison-scene to his view, and entertaining him with the most curious adventures, and interesting incidents of Tom the Traveller, extracted from no book, or books in the world, as his surprizing memoirs are no where to be found but in this true history, and if any of our readers should be so incredulous as to doubt the veracity of these anecdotes, we shall be bold to remind him of the more incredible travels and voyages, which are not half so well authenticated, though passed upon the world every day, as real and genuine.

While the prisoners were regaling themselves over what liquor Tom the Cat’s adventure unexpectedly afforded them, Hugh, known by the name of Hugh of the Borough, reminded one of his fellow-prisoners of telling his story, which he was going to begin, when they were interrupted by the introduction of the new prisoner the Cat, for, as he told him, he and the rest had just finished their narratives, and it only remained, for him to go on with his; in compliance therefore of this reasonable demand: Tom Traveller, so he was called, commenced his history in the following procedure.

As I was begot, conceived and born in a most extraordinary manner, so it will appear in the course of my life, that my adventures, even in abstract, as I shall relate them, have been equally amazing. My mother was treacherously deluded by an opiate infused into a glass of wine, when she had the good or ill-fortune (I know not which) of being debauched in her sleep by her master, the husband of a woman of quality with whom she lived; I was the result of this piece of treachery; nor did my mother give the least intimations of her discovering this foul practice, though she on awaking, could not but perceive the alteration from that of a maid, to that of a woman. When she had got rid of me in the most private manner, (for she left her lady, when the signs of pregnancy appeared) she took me wrapt up in a basket, and going to a publick house in Piccadilly, she called for a gill of wine, drank it, and leaving a guinea to be changed, she went out and was seen no more, but she left me in her stead, thinking me and the guinea, a tolerable bargain for a gill of wine, nor had I remained there long, before I made my host of the tavern, sensible, that he had got a new guest; as I was a fine boy, and he had no child, he put me out to nurse, resolving to adopt me as his own, since I was a comeby-chance, and since he thought it cruel not to give the same reception to a human creature, as is given commonly to a Cat or a Dog, and tho’ I did not come of my own accord, like a Cat, or a Dog, yet was I brought, and could not be supposed to intrude myself, as those creatures do, when they have lost their masters, so he thought me more worthy of a welcome, than either of the above animals. When I was five years old, I was brought home by the nurse, and as they saw I was a promising child of my age, being as lusty and tall, as the waiter, who was twelve, but born a dwarf, I was soon fit to be called to the bar, I improved myself in observations on men, and manners, which I made my study, till about eighteen, I became one of the knowing ones, when I left my supposed father, to join a set of gamblers, where I learnt every thing to qualify me for Bath, the races, or even Ar——r’s. I resolved to leave this life, took the high-road, and bought a fine horse at Newmarket with what money I had won there by betting and cheating, having at one bett won a hundred guineas of the D—— of ——, as I was let into the secret by the riding jocky, who went halves with me for his information. Having equipt myself with every thing necessary for collecting, or raising contributions on the road, I met with none who dared oppose me; I robbed three captains of ships, one admiral, two lieutenants of marines, beside what I robbed in common; when I found that all men were naturally cowards, and consequently to be robbed, without resistance, I grew more bold; but what gave me courage but their cowardice, for had they, as they said, strenuously opposed, ’tis ten to one, as I opposed numbers, I should have grown timid, and submitted; but I found it otherwise, and from the discovery, met with success; I then ventured upon the continental gentlemen; but them I found worse in the article of courage, than the maritime; a lieutenant crossed me, and I thought verily, he had the same intent on me, that I had on him; I put my hand to the holsters, and stood bravely for him, but he with as much intrepidity delivered me his purse, before I had actually demanded it: Actuated by this hero’s valour, I persuaded myself that all men were cowards, and, I consequently determined to frighten them all, since I found, they were to be frightened. Here the narrative was interrupted by a loud report of six or seven female Voices, that Mrs. Clotilda Skinflint, together with her Bravo, the old husband had entered the goal, to demand the body of Tom, to be re-delivered to them, upon which re-delivery, she was willing to pay all costs and damages, which by this time amounted to no less than three shillings, exclusive of garnish. And so ends this chapter, when the affairs of Tom the Cat, shall seem more desirable by the reader, than those of Tom the Traveller.

The turnkey no sooner had admitted Mrs. Clotilda, and her paramour, than the knowing ones resolved themselves into a committee of the whole house, how to consider ways and means to make Mrs. Clotilda pay through the nose for introducing such an affair to their august tribunal; the Diet had not sat full two minutes, before they all nem. con. entered into one unanimous resolution to bring the taylor her lawful and wedded husband into a præmunire; they therefore set up a kind of a Star-Chamber, which they erected, by their own will and power, as Charles did formerly and as Lewis pretends to do now, with this Motto, Sic volo sic jubeo. In English, I’ll do as I please; so laying aside all privileges of the subject, and assuming to themselves, the royal prerogative, which they swore should not be infringed; they demanded that the bodies of Clotilda Skinflint late of Monmouth-Street, together with that of her lawful sovereign, Peter Skinflint, of the Parish of St. Bride’s, taylor, should be brought before them, in order to enter into the merits or demerits of the prisoner Tom, committed into that prison, by the name of Tom Filch, and moreover to demand the committal in writing; which being accordingly done, by the especial messengers, the delinquents were regularly brought to the bar of this solemn inquisition.

We shall disappoint the reader’s curiosity, if he expects a summary detail of this process, because it was carried regularly through the forms of cital, and recital, demur, and every other circumstantial querk of judicatory; only observing, that when Mrs. Clotilda, and her party, seeing the Servant Maid, with Tom in her arms, did not chuse to traverse the Indictment but submitted to the sentence of the court, which was, that she, the said, Clotilda as she wore the breeches, should immediately pay all the fees of Tom, besides, his expences for false imprisonment, pay the servant maid her due wages, and never more trouble the court, to which she submitted, and paid no less than the sum of seventeen shillings, and four-pence, to the clerk of the court, exclusive of the girl’s wages, in all amounting to one pound thirteen shillings. But unhappily for Mrs. Clotilda, the affair did not end here. Tom the Cat, had got little or no victuals, since the moment of his false imprisonment, and besides, it was urged by the girl, that the beef-stakes, which he had eaten, were long since digested; therefore it was unâ voce resolved, that they should not be discharged till Tom had also been recompensed with a good meal, in consideration of his long and false imprisonment. Mrs. Clotilda therefore offered one shilling more, to be laid out, as they, the court should determine, which was accordingly, like all other subsidies of charitable uses, appointed for Tom’s use, and bread, and cheese was to be his supper, of which he only shared the parings. The lady of the wardrobe having paid down her one pound fourteen shillings, thought that she had paid sufficiently for the releasement of her favourite Tom, who in the main had not got one half-penny worth of eating in the bargain, and as historians say, could never account from that time to this, for all this unnecessary expence, and as fruitless confinement; I say, madam Skinflint imagined that the business would end here; but the court thought otherwise, and therefore as the parings of cheese were by that wise Diet, thought to be a diet, which might very probably occasion thirst, they also adjudged that Tom should have something to wash down his victuals, and the verdict in his favour, was that she should pay one shilling, over and above all costs and damages for that balsamic liquor, vulgarly called Gin: Which Mrs. Clotilda, being addicted to, did not so much regret the payment of, and it was, without hesitation brought in; but we never were informed that Tom shared a drop of it, as it is averred, and that strongly, that a little water was more consentaneous to his choice, of which, when he had drank, like any other good fellow, not considering his present misfortunes, the good-nature of his friends, or the malice of his enemies, he leaped on the table, washed his face, and began a very solemn purr, which pleased the whole company, and forced even the humane Mrs. Clotilda to break out—Poor Tom have I got you again? Gentlemen did you ever see so fine a creature? Thus ended the imprisonment, and release of Tom, with which we shall beg leave to end this chapter, as Mrs. Clotilda her husband, and the maid-servant were also included in the discharge, all departing the prison-scene, and going to their respective pillows.

The happiest dexterity and the greatest activeness in an author, is to give his reader a specimen of his talents, to introduce a pleasing narrative, and when he has worked up his curiosity to the highest pitch, to leave him in the middle of a most interesting event. This was the peculiar cunning of those famous stories, which go by the name of the Arabian night’s entertainments, which are for that reason divided into a century of nights, each being employed in some very engaging tale. A late celebrated Biographer has followed this ingenious method, and now and then diverts the reader with a curious history, I mean the author of Tom Jones, and Joseph Andrews, in which several other adventures beside that of the hero, are artfully interwoven, which at once displays a delightful variety, feasts the mental appetite with a pleasing desert, which otherwise might be apt to cloy by feeding on one dish, though ever so delicate; for this reason that celebrated writer, entitles the heads of his chapters a bill of fare, which points out to them the ensuing entertainment. We shall not therefore disappoint our reader, but shall, to answer the expectation, which we are sensible we have raised, proceed with the history of Tom Traveller, forbidding all compilers whatsoever, to insert, or abstract this unparallel’d history in their future collections of voyages, travels, &c.

Tom the Cat, was no sooner gone home with his benevolent Mistress, than Tom Traveller, at the importunity of Hugh of the Borough, continued his narrative.

My courage encreased, as I said, with my success, and having obliged those terraqueous militants to stand and deliver, I found my purse grow heavy, and believing I had made a competent fortune, I resolved, as Gibbet says in the play, to buy myself a place in the houshold, and live as snug as ’ere a courtier of them all; with this view I was returning to London, from Finchley Common, which had been my last stage, when a gentleman rode up in a full gallop saying he was pursued by a highwayman, and desired me to accompany him in order to get out of the road. In the confusion I was in, at his mentioning being pursued, I began to fear for myself, and looking back saw two men, riding very fast after us, yet not so fast as to appear in pursuit, however I took the gentleman’s advice, and rode with him full speed, following the course he made which he directed to the right hand, from the high road across the country, when all of a sudden he snatched my reins, and desired me to deliver, or he would blow my brains to the Devil; I had neither time nor presence of mind, to refuse his unreasonable request, and he robbed me of all I had in the world, except twenty pounds I had left with a favourite girl, whom I then kept, after this he rode off, taking my pistols with him, leaving me to reflect on so unexpected an adventure; but I had no opportunity to consider much about it. I had no cash left, and I found myself in possession of no property on the face of the earth, but my horse and clothes, the former of which I was now resolved to sell, and never more venture my life to scrape up riches for other people to enjoy; I saw the hazard, the danger, and the folly in it, and with this determination I pursued my way to London, saying with Juvenal, Cantabit Vacuus Viator; where I arrived, and having sold my horse, walked to my lodgings, where to my amazement I found the bird flown, and nothing but the nest, and a few scattered feathers left behind. Thus in one day was I deprived of what I had been amassing for several months, to the value of three hundred pounds sterling, one hundred of which I laid out on my mistress in cloaths and equipage. I had cultivated a good acquaintance with several young Gentlemen (strangers to my new way of life) at Art——rs, and telling them I had a mind to see the world, made it my request to them to serve me.

Having made my desire known to a very worthy young gentleman, he recommended me to a man of fortune who was going to travel; I was very well satisfied to accompany him as his gentleman, for which he allowed me one hundred a year, but oh unspeakable! the very remembrance shocks my imagination, when my worthy friend introduced me, the young gentleman eyeing me closer, and seizing me by the shoulder, swore he knew me, for that I had three weeks before robbed him, of his watch and fifty guineas. My friend was struck with amazement, and I with horror. I was speechless, my paleness confessed my guilt, which when I recovered myself, I imputed to the sudden surprize of my being accused of a crime which never had entered into my thoughts. Enraged at the denial, he said I was an infamous lying villain, and struck me, which made my nose spout out with blood. My friend told him calmly, he might be mistaken in faces, but he insisted on his perfect knowledge of my person, and said he could safely swear to my identity; while I was stopping the blood, which flowed in streams about the room, he explained the particulars of this robbery to my friend; urging that I was not satisfied with his money but would have his watch, which more incensed him than the loss of the money. Sir, said he, I am sorry to find that you could have any connections with such a fellow, but more so to recommend a robber to be my servant. When he had won my money, said he,—at these words it is inexpressible to describe the tide of rapture, that flowed upon my affrighted, my terrified soul; such is a reprieve to a condemned wretch in sight of the place of execution. He proceeded,—when he had won my money, he baited me with all the tricks and insinuations of a common gambler, and seeing my watch said, if I would stake that he would venture twice the money it was worth; so unequal a hazard took me in, and I thought I possibly might win all again; he won it and left me abruptly, when he went out, another person came in, of my acquaintance, who seeing me in some confusion asked me the reason, which I instantly told him; nay said my acquaintance, if you keep company with known gamblers, how can you expect better? I replyed, I did not know him to be such, or should have avoided him. This, Sir, is the case, I never saw this fellow since, and now I have secured him by this accident, I’ll send him to Newgate to be made an example of, my friend remonstrated in my favour, that he had known me for a long time, and never knew me to bear any such character, that what the person who came in said might be out of pique, that he did not pretend to be my advocate in a cause, wherein I might possibly be innocent; but that his stirring in such an affair might hurt reputation on both sides. I then spoke for myself, assuring him I had ever played on the square, and that my playing three times the worth against a bauble of a watch was an evident proof of it, since I might lose even with pack’d cards, that I very well knew the gentleman who came in, who owed me a grudge for the same reason, my winning his money; that though losers have a right to speak, they have no right to defame, that it was a common thing for those who lose by gaming to think with prejudice to the winner; that a gambler was not my known character; that it was dangerous to attack a man’s reputation without good proof, and that his proof would never stand good before an equitable magistrate, for that it was impossible for that person, or any other to prove that I had pack’d the cards, that time or any other; that a blow from a strange man, nay from any man, was an unaccountable outrage, and that though I was reduced by a train of misfortunes, to such a pitch as to apply for service, yet that I was far from deserving such ill usage, in the attack on my person, on the one hand, and on my reputation on the other. He heard all this with patience and only replyed, damn him, let him begone, I shall get nothing by suing a beggar; I was glad to take his advice, so taking my leave of my own friend I left the place, and you may be assured, fellow-prisoners, with abundance of alacrity,—for I thought of one thing and he of another,—I thought of the gallows, which I knew I deserved, though not from him, and he only thought of a bite. This affair made me more cautious of getting myself recommended to any man, but what could I do without money, all I had to do was to apply to my reputed father, which I did on the instant, not without apprehension of being known by some of his customers, who frequented the house, I went at night, and was received like the prodigal son, with this difference, that I neither wanted the best robe, a ring on my finger, or the fatted calf,—my exigence was of quite another nature; I wanted the universal pass, and I did not well know how to ask it; however I told him of my resolution to travel, if I had his permission, which if I gained, I knew the needful would not be wanting. I was happy enough to prevail, he complied, and after a fond parting and a great deal of good advice he gave me twenty guineas, little knowing that I had been used to larger sums. He then went with me himself to his wine merchant, who dealt largely at the Mediterranean, for which place a ship lay ready. I thought I should never get safe out of the kingdom, but setting sail we soon arrived at Leghorn. I had letters of credit, for small sums to be given me by gales as I called for them, and taking a lodging at a Cabaretto, and some refreshment, I went to bed, where I slept serenely, as I slept secure from all the terrors which had long banished the sweet and healing deity from my eyes.

After a sweet and most profound repose, such as I have not experienced from the time I had left my father’s house first, I awoke, and knowing that nature after a great sea sickness, for I was sick the whole voyage, found an inclination to an egg or two, so went down and ordered the landlord to get me some for breakfast, who told me that he had none but turkey eggs, and those he was sure I would not eat; I asked him why? for I should like them to choose, if they were new-laid; he said they were laid that morning, but that it was monstrous to eat them in Leghorn, as they were devoted to another use.—What to be set, and hatched said I—ay to be sure, he replied, staring at me, as if I was a fool or a madman, why, continued he, they are devoted to our clergy: Sir, an English sailor like you, once called for eggs, and I had none but turkeyeggs, as is the present case, but he would have them, yes, da—n his eyes, and he had them, but Sir, as he was breaking the shell, out popt a little young cardinal, with a red hat, who thus accosted him.—Why you English son of a bitch, how dare you break my house over my head, though my mother was but an oyster, I’d have you to know that my father was a cardinal; he swore heartily to the truth of it, and finding him a facetious lyar, laughed as heartily as he swore, but nevertheless eat three of the cardinal’s mothers with a great deal of satisfaction; I then took a walk to see the city, in high-dress, and as I was walking through one of the streets, saw a great crowd of people going into a tavern, whom I also accompanied. The landlord seemed to be a man about fifty years of age, of a florid healthy countenance, plump and sleek; who thus accosted, Gentlemen, I am perhaps the greatest curiosity in Europe, how old do you take me to be? all agreed not above fifty, I shall, gentlemen, on the 19th of next month, be in the hundred and fifteenth year of my age, and never drank any thing but water in my life, nor ever knew any woman but my wife, never was bled, never took physic, never knew one sick minute, I thank Providence; now gentlemen follow me, and I’ll shew you a greater prodigy than myself. We followed, and the first thing that presented itself to our sight, was a cradle, in which lay an old man, who seemed to have lived in the days of good queen Bess, so wrinkled, so emaciated was his face; his beard extended to his navel, his eyes sunk in his head, and I could compare the skin to nothing but shrivell’d parchment, well, said the landlord, in that cradle lies my youngest son, he is not 72 till the 14th of March, hardships in war, and travel by sea and land, together with a most dissolute life spent with women, and in drunkenness, have brought him to this untimely old age; he has been a fool these twenty years, which saved his life to this time, because it disabled him from pursuing his former courses, a sad example of immorality and lewdness, as I am a standing monument of the contrary. Thus gentlemen, you have seen two of the greatest curiosities in Leghorn, if not in Europe, for a dollar a piece, and you are all extraordinary welcome.—When the company went away, I asked my landlord if he could provide me an interpreter to shew me the other curiosities of that famous city; which request he soon complied with, and I went with him; I told him my desire of seeing some of the courtezans, and he took me to a public stew; the custom and manner of which being extremely curious, I shall describe to you in as concise a manner as I can. My guide and interpreter knocked at the gate of one of the highest in repute. A porter appeared, to whom he gave two pence in our money. He rung a bell, and this produced an appearance of a priest, who in Italian, which my guide interpreted, remonstrated against our entrance, but this was only form, inveighing solemnly against the heinousness of our intentional sin; the guide paid him his fee for his kind admonition, which was six pence, he also rung a bell, and the doctor appeared, who brought us into his room, and examined us as to our health, but would take nothing but occular proof by convincing his own eyes. When this scrutiny was over, he received the same fee with the parson; in his turn he called the madona, or mother-abbess by ringing a bell, who on the instant appeared, and introduced, into what I may call the painted gallery, which presented us with the pictures of the most celebrated courtezans in Italy, particularly those of Leghorn, both of those who were dead, and of those who were living.—I asked by my interpreter, if the famous beauty Domitella was living, and was answered in the affirmative, and at present in Naples, in keeping by cardinal Putezzi, the Queen’s confessor, and archbishop of Naples. I asked next for the pictures of those women who resided in this particular Licentiadi, and was led into two rooms, the one the sick-room, the other that of health, wherein the pictures were disposed, and changed from room to room, as they fell down, or recovered. She desired me to take my choice, and pointing with my stick to one of the most beautiful in my fancy, was told, she was that night to dance with a young jesuit in disguise, for she is marked with white lead, you see two or three more are taken out already, and who therefore are at the baths preparing to receive their respective lovers.—I asked how many beauties there might possibly be, and was told, that she had then in the college, seventy-four in health, and about ninety ill: I was determined now I was in, to go through with the ceremonies of this temple of Venus, and having singled out another, a bell rung which brought the original to my sight; she happened to be a beautiful little woman, of uncommon vivacity, we dined together, and in the evening, she left me to go to the baths, while my guide and I took a walk mong the parterres and gardens of this common seraglio; we could observe many females of exquisite beauty peeping through the lattices, and some of them wantonly nodded at us, and many were in their smocks. At four the great bell rung to invite us to prayers; I thought this the most daring and flagrant piece of hypocrisy I had ever met with.—I went to prayers, and did as I saw others do; there were a great many elegant women of remarkable beauty, and a great number of men, as well Italians as foreigners; but the young courtezans were disposed in a seperate place from us. After prayers, another bell rung which invited all to the coffee-room, and here was little or no distinction, some drinking by themselves, some in couples, and some in droves, some drank negus, tea, coffee, capillaire, just as they thought proper, there being here, neither distinction, nor respect of persons, but all were well dressed except some English captains, and lieutenants of the navy, who dressed in their own manner, a la mode de vaisseau.

A band of musick then struck up in the assembly-room, one of the largest and handsomest I had ever seen; this was adorned with a gallery for those who did not chuse to dance.—The windows were blinded, and the room illuminated by a number of globes, beside branches of wax candles; we danced and went through all the ceremonies of a ball, or rather ridotto, there being sweet-meats and every other thing elegantly disposed in the buffettos, and about eleven the bell rung for supper which ended at twelve, and then all retired; and every gentleman-lover, was lighted to the scene of delight by his respective sultana. In the morning, I arose and bid my guide who did not dance, nor celebrate any of the mysteries, except taking two or three glasses of wine, to pay the night’s expences, which came in all to no more than a chequin, or nine and six-pence of our money; the cheapest entertainment I had ever met with in my life; for the courtezan herself receives nothing from her lover; and yet they all live in the most accomplished elegance and affluence. The madona, or mother-abbess pays a great rent to the Pope for her license, as do two thousand other houses in this city. What then must all the licensed brothels in Italy pay? this income, thus produced, it is pretended, goes to maintain certain vessels of war to fight against the Turks, but I believe this immense sum centers in the coffers of his holiness, which minds of a tribute arising, formerly in ancient Rome, from the temples of Cloacina, imposed by one of the emperors, and which one of his ministers told him stunk in the noses of the people of Rome; the emperor shewed him a great heap of gold, and asked him if that stunk.—no says the minister; why then says the emperor, why should the tap stink which produces so flagrant, so sweet a smell? We left the temple of Venus, and having discharged my guide, and seen every thing worth attention in Leghorn, took ship to visit the Archipelago, where are dispersed a great number of islands, small and great. Having set to sea, we were overtaken by a storm, and were drove on shore on an island of which the captain said he knew nothing more than that it must certainly be one of the Arches. This made us cautious of going up into the land, without being armed.

Therefore forty of us (among which I was one) declared our inclination of reconnoit’ring this island: It was rocky, sandy, and therefore desart, which we supposed to be the reason of it’s being never noticed by seamen; for as the Arches are a kind of a serpentine walk on the sea, a Dedalean labyrinth, it is more than possible, it is morally probable, that one thousand mariners in one thousand years, might never be obliged by storm, course, chance, or accident to have entered into the narrow ferry, or ferries, dividing it from forty others, insignificant as itself, which surround it. So that we were not surprized that after searching all the maps, charts, gazetteers, and even the great geographical dictionary for this island, we found all our attempts to find it entirely fruitless and abortive; on the hazard of reconnoit’ring the island, which was not seemingly more than two leagues in length and one in breadth, we took four rounds of cartridge, that in case of an attack, we might be able to facilitate our retreat to the boats; we went up about half a mile into the country, when we could plainly espy without glasses, a great number of the inhabitants on a hill who seemed flocking together to observe our motions, not without seeming apprehension of an invasion, which notwithstand from their numbers compared to ours, they must have laughed at; however, we made friendly signals of distress to invite them down, which they seemed, either not to understand, or to disregard; we then took courage, thinking that they could be no more than a parcel of peasants, or at best a raw militia, so we proceeded to the foot of the hill, but on our advancing so far, and looking forward, instead of having the least retrospect towards the ground we had passed, our small corps was quite surrounded, and made prisoners of war. They took from us our arms, without entering into any discourse with us, and taking the barrels out of the stocks with more dexterity than a gun-smith, they planted them on a rising ground, and returning us the empty stocks, pointed to the artillery they had just planted, with the greatest solemnity and presence of mind, and then making signs that we should depart, dismissed us, still pointing to our gun-barrels, significantly expressing by their silence, (for they said not a word) that our own arms should be pointed against us, if we dared come there again; we were very well satisfied with this discharge, since as there appeared several thousand of them against us poor forty, we prudently did not discharge one piece at them, which might have irritated them to such a degree, as to cut us to pieces; so we made a fine expedition of it, and returned in safety to our boats, which conveyed us on board, where when we appeared with our empty stocks without barrels, we were heartily laughed at by our ship-mates.

Here Hugh of the Borough interrupted Tom Traveller, by asking him, what manner of people the natives of the island were, seeing they were so grave, reserved, and silent, to which Tom replied, will you believe me, Hugh, every mother soul of them Monkeys.—Monkeys, I assure you upon the word of a traveller, and ever since from our journal of observations, we have marked down the place, and given it the name of Monkey-Island, and it is well known in a true and correct map, since engraved and published.—Now as we cannot attest the truth of this last part of Tom Traveller’s relation, concerning either the discovery of this new island, or the circumstantial particulars of their being disarmed, yet this we are sure of, that there are several miraculous events, and as equally unknown islands set down in the maps, charts, journals, voyages, and travels of very grave and credible writers both ancient and modern, whom, nevertheless we do not pretend to discredit, nor do presume to dis-authenticate, since they, bear an equal shew of probability with the relation of Tom Traveller, who by his name has a right to stretch as well as those worthy voyagers or map-makers. Here ended his narrative, however, and upon that sole account here endeth the twelfth chapter of our history.

We would not be understood to reflect any oblique hints, innuendos, or insinuations on our own affairs, by this landing of a single ship’s company on an enemy’s coast, and we desire the politicians to forbear construing the affair of the barrels being taken from the stocks by an army of Monkeys, to the disadvantage of the ministry. Far be it from us to frame any such sly reflections: This landing of forty men, on an unknown island, can bear no analogy to a premeditated plan of harrassing the well-known boast of a well-known enemy. There is so great a disparity between the two incidents, that we hope to be acquitted of this charge, by every wise politician, as it is remote from our purpose to make any such odious comparisons.

We shall resume our respectable history, verily believing, and nearly assured, that when it is read and thoroughly examined by the reviewers, whether monthly, or critical, it will appear, for truth, candor, wit, humour, learning, ingenuity and invention to exceed, either the ancient history of Reynard the Fox, or the modern one of Pompey the little.

Tom the Cat, being rejoiced at his releasement, exerted himself that night in the greatest inactivity, according to the philosophic dream of bis inertiæ. For he slept heartily and had several pleasant dreams, which Artemidorus never dreamed of, as we do not find one of them in his collection of dreams. His fellow servant lately discharged, had ever since her quarrel fell enamoured of Tom’s beauty, and consequently resolved to wheedle him away the first opportunity she could lay hold of. Tom, she knew would follow her all over the world, and she thought it was a thousand pities, so fine a fellow as Tom should spend his days with so despicable a wretch as her late mistress, to which species of women, I think they give the common name of a Brimstone, and others tack that of a dog’s wife to it.

Tom was now a quarter old, being born on the 21st of December 1751, whence some think he was called Tom: However, as his mistress Clotilda was a Methodist, we can give no credit to this surmise. Though he was but three months of age, yet was he gigantic in his stature, being at this age as large, as some old full-grown Cats. His make was of the athletic; his shoulders were brawny, and his hinder parts resembling those of the tyger, but in nothing more did his beauty consist, than in the exteriour, which strikes first, and which saved him from being drowned; for he was beautifully variegated in colour like the leopard, neither two much streaked, nor too much spotted, but finely intermingled on a milk-white ground, the streaks and spots justly proportioned in the most admirable symmetry: His belly and breast were immaculate as the swans, which greatly heightened the characteristic beauty of his face, which looked like that of a fine woman, when she adds half a dozen small patches, disposed with art in such a manner, as to impart an additional strength to each charm. His eyes, which were of the sapphire, had an unspeakable tenderness, mixed with a masculine significancy, and the other appurtenances of his face, his whiskers long and short were of an elegant projection. His constant play-fellow, his tail was of the serpentine spiral, sometimes he would curl it, and then it bore a near resemblance to the streamer of a man of war when the breezes curl it, at the top-mast head. It was tipt with silver, like a verger, when he introduces one into a pew of the Cathedral. His mien and carriage were stately, august, and solemn, except when he ran, and then neither the Hind nor the Panther could vie with him in fleetness.

Thus formed, thus arrayed in robes of ermin, who could have eyes, and not confess the superiour beauties of Tom, in comparison of which all other Cats seemed Rats, either in size or excellence. In genius he was a Mouser, but many and great were his acquired abilities. The boys, who loved him from a kitten, had taught him to play at leap-frog, but he soon exceeded his young masters by leaping over half a dozen of them standing. They used him to leap over a horizontal stick as high as they could hold it up. They had taught him to pick pockets with his mouth, as well as his paw, by putting a bit of meat or cheese therein, and he was able at length to cap a man of six feet high, by jumping at his hat, and pulling it off with admirable dexterity. It would be tedious to enumerate all his parts, natural and acquired, be it sufficient to say, that he was possessed of all those eminent good qualities, which distinguish the monkey.—One evening, his fellow-servant seized a favourable opportunity, and calling to him, Tom, Tom, she turned the corner to be out of sight; he followed the well-known voice, and leapt into her arms; she covered him with her apron, and during the eclipse, he was agreeably entertained with a slice of very fine Glou’ster. When she brought him home, she performed the ceremonies of Extreme Unction, rubbing the soles of his feet with butter. This extreme unction differs from that of the papists, as the feline is purely local, and applied to those extreme parts of the Cat, called the feet, whereas the other is temporal, and applied at the last moments to persons expiring. Those wags, called the casuists, will have it that this temporal application at the hour of death, is in imitation of a heathen custom, common among the Roman Athletæ, or wrestlers, who used to anoint their naked bodies with oyl, the better to slip out of the gripe of their antagonist. But whether this analogy will bear, we leave to those profound theologists, who deal in such learned disquisitions. Tom’s new mistress, the better to endear herself to his affections, poured out a libation of sweet milk to entertain him the longer in lapping, that during his perambulations across the room, he might be induced at every stage to visit the fountain-head, which she liberally supplied. And thus Tom became intimately acquainted with his new appartment, and his new mistress, both of which he was so well satisfied with, that tho’ he had known the way, he had not the least inclination to revisit the place of his Nativity; and thus he absolutely forgot, or neglected all his domal dignities to the great disgrace of judicial Astrology, wherein, however, he very much excelled most of his cotemporaries whether of the feline or human species.

Here would have been a fair opportunity for some writers, fond of digressions, to indulge their favourite passions, by making, or fabricating a good long chapter upon judicial Astrology, but we scorn to swell our book to an enormous size by any such mean expedient, as we do not want matter, (we will not say subject matter, for fear of offending that delicate mythologist, master Launcelot, the templar) sufficient to carry on a larger volume, than the present, without having recourse to such low stratagems.

We shall give the reader a concise, and more entertaining chapter on the charms and morals of Dolly Tinder, daughter of an eminent lamp-lighter of this metropolis. Her mother was as famous in her branch of business, being a very substantial linen-draper, (as the Welch collier says in the recruiting officer of his wife, poor Mary ——) it being this matrons business to gather rags for the paper mills. Thus born of mean but honest parents, Dolly, who, as she grew up, was a jolly bucksom wench, seemed cut out for servitude, and to this she applied herself with indefatigable industry; but unhappily for her among the other places in which she had lived, she was in the sixteenth year of her age, in the employ of a warfinger, in the regions of Black Fryars, here it was that she contracted an acquaintance with the water-men, and an amour with one of the lads of the skullers. Many were the voyages she made on the Thames, with her lover, who always refused the least fee, or gratuity for his beloved mistress, as he had reason to expect, she would pay him the fare in another coin. Neither did she prove ungrateful, or unfavourable to his wishes; for before she was in her seventeenth year, she found her stays grow narrower, and narrower, so as not to be able to contain that waist, so often commended for it’s taper symmetry; when those evident marks of her pregnancy appeared, she quitted her mother’s house, and fled for refuge to that of her mother-in-law, who received her as the wife of her son, and she was brought to bed of a chopping boy, which, when she was well, was by general consent, carried by the good old matron to the foundling hospital, and there deposited; whether he is as yet received into the marine society, we cannot be assured, but being begot under Aquarius, he may probably one day become an able commander at sea, and be an honour to the element from whence he sprung. The waterman her lover, like his native river, was like all other lovers, liable to inconstancy, so he soon manifested his neglect by a very cold indifference, and once by a severe beating. She was not behind hand with him, for she revenged the insult by immediately throwing herself into the element of Fire, and took up with a glass-man. Thus she became again connected to her own family affinities, since her lover had a near correspondence with the occupation of her father,—Glass and Fire. As she had lived so long among the Pleiades, she now removed her quarters to the hotter constellations, and since her Aquarius with his buckets, was unwilling any longer to quench that flame which he had lighted up in her bosom, she resolved to repel heat by heat, choosing her residence under the sultry influence of Sirius, the Dog-star; by him she had, during the succession of ten years, a litter of whelps, most of which fell to the lot of the above repository, which as the grave receives the forlorn dead, is appointed to receive the forlorn living. After so long a cohabitation, and a visible decline in her charms, from incessant child-bearing, it is no wonder if the Glass man, burnt up with the flames of coals, and the flames of love, was now burnt to a cinder, which indeed he was in a metaphorical sense, for he died of a decay, and left her a widow to the wide world, and forlorn-hope.—But Dolly was not so very much fallen into the vale of years, being now twenty-eight, but she retained some reliques of her former beauty, and one day as she was walking across the Temple courts, an old gentleman of the Middle Temple became enamoured of her, and giving her the keys of his chambers, was soon admitted to her embraces, though not to his affections, for she was of too liberal a nature to refuse the repeated sollicitations of several young Templers, with whom she lived successively, being nevertheless constant to each of her paramours, during her legal administration among them. By their bounty, she became possessed of ten pounds, which she generously bestowed on an eminent chimney-sweeper, being unwilling to quit the precincts of her favourite element the fire, of which she had so much in her constitution, that some say, she was troubled with Messalina’s failing: But with this Vulcan she did not chuse to live long, being tired of his sooty embraces; she accordingly robbed him, and fled to the Borough, where she actually, and for the first time married a chairman; but thinking this condition of life too humble, she aspired to the coach-box, and having eloped from the Christian beast of burthen, she lived with Automedon, and afterwards entered into the constellation of Auriga, by going into the arms of a waggoner, till at length tired with a variety of lovers, she prudently resolved to turn oyster-woman, and live independant of that monster man, so far as her warm complexion would admit her. She soon grew weary of this occupation of life, and lived with a Jew, an old clothes-man, by whose itinerations through Monmouth-street, she became acquainted with her late mistress, and entered into her service much about the æra of our feline history. The other part of Dolly’s history the reader has been informed of, and therefore we shall resume the more respectable annals of our Hero.

Dolly his new mistress, had lately applied to a register office, where for a shilling paid in hand, a small capital, it is possible to procure the interest of four or five pounds a year. A most wise institution, or rather discovery of some sagacious æconomical personage, who might have made an immense fortune by his invention, had not his envious brethren pyrated him to the great disgrace of government, and discouragement of genius, as well as arts and sciences: Pity it is, that this prudent politician, had not been at the expence of purchasing a patent, to ensure to himself the profits of so great a discovery.

One of these learned Gentlemen, had obtained a place for Dolly, who paid the other perquisites, due on being put into possession; I think it is a shilling in the pound, proportionable to the wages; so that if the wages be five pounds, the proprietor of this new acquisition, whether place-man, or place-woman, shall receive no more than nineteen shillings of his, or her quarter’s wages; so that if one of these place-mongers shall procure one hundred such places, in one quarter, (which is but a low computation) he shall receive the gratuity of thirty pounds for his pains, without advancing a farthing capital; how high must then this reasonable profit arise, when the wages or sallaries amount to ten or twenty pounds a year? and yet this lucrative employment is of modern discovery, to the great scandal of our forefathers, who as in the discovery of other arts, and sciences, supinely slept, and never dreamed of such golden advantages. Dolly on going to her new place, was sorely perplexed, what to do with her favourite Tom; next to money or man’s flesh, she loved Tom, and as the former seemed the more feasible exchange, she pitched upon it as the more eligible; among her Jew acquaintance, during her residence with the circumcised cast off clothes-man, she had recollected her intimate connections, with a young German of the synagogue, on whom she bestowed some singular marks of her affection: He had for several seasons frequented Bartholomew fair, and the Borough, and was proprietor of several foreign beasts, as monkies, man-tygers, and others of the minute kind, whom he trained up to his own band, beneath the discipline of the whip and bell, and taught them a thousand feats of activity, and cunning, by means of the very same doctrine which Richlieu, the French general, devised to conquer the stubborn English at the intended invasion, and conquest of England, viz. Fear and Hunger, but which he admirably improved into the sanguinary tenets of downright murder in cold blood, a tenet, worthy the general of a most Christian King.

To this German, of the Hebrew race, she instantly applied and sold poor Tom, under the foster name of apprenticeship to this tyrant king of the Singeric order; if the Scots sold their king for a groat, and Judas his master for thirty silver pennys, how more barbarous in her to sell her favourite, and fellow-servant for an old cast cardinal, to adorn her for her introduction to her new place; but so she did, and poor Tom’s indentures were made over a pot of porter, to the disgrace of humanity, much more of female tenderness, in this black deed exceeding the cruelty of Ynkle, who sold his mistress Yarico for an inconsiderable sum. How could she wear this black robe, which every day threw in her face the blackness of her guilt and ingratitude; if she could not recollect the many gambols of his infancy, and the sweeter endearments of his more advanced and adult age, if she could forget the many songs with which he entertained her, both at meals, at work, and in bed, where he often purred her to sleep; sure she ought to think of her fellow-sufferer, and fellow-servant with more compassion than to deliver him into the hands of a savage, among savages, under whose intolerable cruelty he must endure many and severe stripes, beside the accumulated hardships of confinement, and starving.—Unhappy Tom! better had it been for thee, ere thy eyes were opened, to have shared the fate of thy brethren and sisters, long since past the sense and feeling of their sufferings.

But we will not dwell longer on so mournful a subject, an event, in itself, of so tragic a nature, as may extort tears from many of our compassionate readers.

The first letter of salutation Tom was taught by his dancing master, was to leap thro’ a hoop, but as he was some months before learnt to leap over the stick by his young school-fellows, he easily went thro’ this exercitation to the no small surprize of his master, who yet imputed this first step to Tom’s natural genius; and therefore promised himself all success imaginable from so sensible, and so active a creature. Though Tom had in his younger days often described the diagonal parallelogram circle in pursuit of his own tail, round which he had performed as many revolutions in a day, as the Earth does round the Sun in a century, yet had he never till now made an horizontal line through the center of a circle. He was next tried in the begging attitude, but in this too he excelled all the quadrupeds that ever came within the jurisdiction of this German posture master, so that in his second lesson, he surprized his master as agreeably as before, and actually followed a piece of meat, which was conducted before him, by way of precedent, more erect than many of his bipedal fellow-creatures of the more dignified species; his next instruction was to perform the gradation of a perpendicular ladder of ropes; in this he was somewhat awkward, but by degrees, and as it were by gradation, he acquitted himself tollerably well for the first time, and was esteemed as an excellent scholar, and his master boasted of his new pupil’s proficiency with more than ordinary elevation of voice and spirit. By de lord, dat made me, says the German, dancing-master, me hav one kot, dat vil bring me more monis, in one, two, three monts, dan all my monkies togeder, me wou’d not give him for one guinea, at dis present time, and fen he is made to my hond, me wou’d no give him for ten. Thus the first day passed to the great credit, and entire satisfaction of his master, who threw aside the whip and bell, believing from such a great docility that he should never more have occasion for it with respect to Tom, who was notwithstanding tied up to his respective post, with a good strong whip-cord. But as Dalilah bound Sampson with cords, sufficient as she thought to bind him down to his good behaviour, which he broke as a man would flaxed threads, so in vain did the German posture-master tie up Tom who made a shift to knaw the bands asunder, and give himself liberty; but alas! the door was shut, and he found himself to his great mortification, as close a prisoner as ever; so casting about to find a vent-hole for his escape, he searched to no purpose, and seeing a strange groupe of unnatural figures about him, his curiosity led him to approach them, which he did to their no small surprize and terror, and as they spoke to him in an unknown languague, so he found that conversation, which he desired with his fellow-prisoners, cut off; he first came in a gentle manner, and saluted the old baboon with a loud mew, and was answered with a loud chatter, which at first disconcerted him very much, not well knowing whether the noise he made was a signal of friendship, or antipathy; however, as he judged his fellow-prisoner’s heart by his own integrity, he proceeded, and extended his paw, as it were to play with the old gentleman, which the other bit almost to the bone, and had very nigh disabled poor Tom from ever practising another lesson, this rough return to his good-nature so irritated Tom the Cat, that he fell upon Pug the Monkey’s leathern jaws which he tore in a terrible manner, and then went round with the whole neighbourhood, not daunted even at the man-tyger’s dreadful form, for Tom had such intrepid courage that he would venture upon the Devil himself in his anger, had he been in the shape of any of those creatures, though it were an armed rhinoceros, or the Hyrcanian tyger.

The out cry that was set up in the prison, brought the keeper, who judged that some of them had broke loose and fallen upon the rest, but least of all did he judge his favourite Tom’s having slipt his collar, but easily guessed how matters went, when he saw the old baboon, the man-tyger, and the other lesser creatures bleeding. He considered what part he should take, or what measures pursue, in so interesting an affair. He rightly believed that Tom must have been the aggressor, as it was consistent to reason so to imagine. He had got a great deal of money, by his old acquaintance the singerical fraternity, and never had handled a penny piece of Tom’s gettings, but then he might possibly get a fortune by so extraordinary and so promissing a genius, beside, thought he, the poor fellow, not dreaming any harm might have come too near them, and so have received the first blow, which he owned was provoking to one of Tom’s spirit, but when he saw the creature limping up to him, and his fine coat tore in several places he was confirmed in his opinion, that the battle sprung from the malevolent monkeys, whom yet he thought it hard to chastise as they had suffered sufficiently from the enraged fury of our feline hero. He however took up the whip, and bell and brandished over the heads of the terrified society, taking Tom along with him, as one unfit for such quarrelsome companions, and worthy of a superior destination; he therefore took him up to his own room, and having clasp’d a leather collar round his neck to which he affixed a neat brass chain, he pinned it down to the floor, permitting him a good scope to walk about the room, after this he combed him and examining his legs, he applyed a little butter to it, which Tom by constantly licking, as it was kept constantly greased, soon made a cure of. When he was perfectly recovered the German took abundance of pains in his education, teaching him to walk fast, to run, and to jump on his hind feet, so that Tom at the age of five months, became a perfect adept, and could cut capers higher than mons. —— the French dancer. He in three days made him tumble head over heels, backwards and forwards, and even three Somersets at once. Had he possessed the hands of tenacity like those of the monkey, Tom would have excelled all of that species, taught or untaught. This was a great deficience in Tom’s make and form, and as sensible a grief to his master, who would have given ten guineas that Tom had pugs hands, but as the poet says, non omnia possumus omnes, nec licet cuivis adire corinthum, and with this scrap of Latin we shall abrutly conclude this chapter, in order to have an opportunity of displaying our learning, and to begin another chapter.

Tom was according to the custom of this celebrated place invested with all the requisite apparatus of Yates and Shuter. The day was proclaimed by the Lord-Mayor, and the usual solemnities, performed, of which Tom was entirely ignorant. To describe this great festival would be superfluous to most, therefore, for the sake of the few, we shall confine ourselves to the department of Tom the Cat. The bill run thus, several pantomime entertainments by a real Cat, who excels Maddox on the wire, plays the slight of hand better than —— performs the dexterity of rope-dancing, and tells fortunes; little, very little of this, oh! ingenious reader did Tom the Cat, know any thing of it; yet his wise promulgators, thought proper to impose on his supposed wisdom, and on the ignorance of those who had met there to be imposed upon.

The German had however employed a piece of canvass to represent the figure of Tom, in his various attitudes, something like those exhibited of Steward, Saunders, Maddox, and Miss Wilkinson; attitudes which the Cat never performed.

The populace were drawn in, and more came to see Tom the Cat’s performance than that of either Shuter or Yates.

When Tom the Cat, made his first appearance at Bartholomew-fair, it was not doubted but he would give the greatest satisfaction. The monkeys and their tribe were first introduced to the people, who played their old tricks over and over; but when the people called aloud for Tom’s appearance it was then, and not till then, that the sport of the fair begun; they gaped wide, when there appeared several gentlemen of the human species; two by two, then several ladies of the female species, two by two, dressed in robes of mimic tissue; maids of honour in pairs, with white gloves. Next baboon, king at arms, dressed in his regalia, attended by two ushers; next came the ladies of the bed-chamber, followed by two pages of the back-stairs, two train bearers; who bore the princesses coronet on a velvet cushion, adorned with the arms of the singeric order; and in the middle, supported by two feline lords, appeared Tom beneath a canopy of state. He was known, as Garrick is, or as Barry and Mossop was, by the dignity of his steps, and by other marks and badges of his superiority over all the rest. For oh! reader; believe me, who was present at this triumphal procession, that this mock entrance was no more than the artifice of a German, purely invented to deceive you, and to draw you in, whereas, there was nothing worthy to be seen, but the figure and appearance of Tom, graced or rather disgraced by the attendance of these syngeric animals.

When he appeared first there was an universal clap of applause, tho’ he neither said or did any thing; he had been taught to make his usual obedience in private, as players study their parts and get one to hold them, to see if they are gotten perfect.

The first part he appeared in was in the jack-scene, which as it was drawing up, he times the motion, leaping upon it, goes it ever so swiftly, on which he stands till the leads are drawn up. Then, like Harlequin, he is seen in the wheel turning a heavy spit, laden with several joints of flesh and fowl, cut out in wood, at length he leaps out of the wheel, and is received by the cook in the frying pan, out of which he jumps into the fire, to verify the good old proverb, out of the frying pan into the fire. This fire being painted to deceive, did accordingly deceive the ignorant, but as Tom’s feet never felt the heat of it, so did he after many grimaces of the feet (allow me the expression) jump directly on the ladder of ropes placed in a vertical position, on which he descended and ascended better than e’er a minister of them all. The monkeys were put to the trial, but they could not execute like him; in his begging attitude, he collected for his master forty pence, out of a hundred and fifty present; but when he jumped through the hoop on the stage, they all threw down half-pence, pence, and shillings, which he had too much honour to gather up, but left that to his substitute, the German’s wife.

A female cat was then introduced, with whom he was to dance a minuet: This too he performed to the satisfaction of all present; and when the stewards appointed him to lead up the country dances, no person there was more alert or brisk, than he to see that the ladies were properly served with negus, tea, or coffee, as they desired: After this it is said, there was an Harlequin entertainment performed, in which Tom played the part of Harlequin, and his mistress or partner that of Columbine, to the utmost satisfaction of all the people who visited the German’s booth on this occasion, and some go so far as to say that neither Shuter or Yates had much company that night, as the German had cunningly inserted it at the top of his bills that the character of the Harlequin, was to be performed by Tom the Cat, who never appeared on any stage before, and the character of Columbine by a young Lady of the Cat-kind, it being the first time of her appearing in that character. This is the lady of the feline quality with whom Tom from this happy occasion of playing Harlequin with her commenced an amour.

With this young virgin Tom was locked up by the German, in order to have a fine breed by them. She was of a pure milk white, unspotted as her chastity, had been the favourite puss of a lady not so unspotted as herself; her ladyship seldom went a visiting without her dear Araminta, (so she called her;) unhappy for poor Minty she was one summer’s evening diverting herself with catching flies, when this cruel son of Judah took her up, and ran away with her; and though her ladyship advertised her with marks, and tokens, and a handsome reward, yet the Jew locked her up so close, that there never was any tidings of her since, till this respectable history discovered the place of her confinement, and sent Tom to be the knight to this distressed damsel.

On being closetted by this superb beauty, Tom fell deeply ennamoured, as indeed what Cat could withstand her insuperable charms without feeling the flames of love. It is said that his passion for her gave him a poetical turn, and produced these lines of the feline composition.

Whether he sat it to music himself, or some other celebrated master framed the vocal composition, we cannot certainly say, but we hear it was sung by a very good voice at the fair in the presence of Minty’s self, who doubtless was not a little proud to hear her beauties extolled by her own lover.

Tom was too courtly to attack her any other way, than en Cavalier—and she was not so prudish as to cry Pish! like some modern fine ladies, or say—I would not have you imagine me so easy a conquest,—or I am none of those creaters you think me, and such stuff—as his professions were honourable, and as she was conscious of her own beauty, she believed his vows to be unfeigned, and though,

Yet, she was not ashamed to confess an equal passion for him, and to repay his love and sincerity, with the surrender of those charms, which none but so handsome a fellow as Tom could either conquer or deserve; we shall here be silent, and draw a curtain over those conubial delights, which we cannot paint: Certain it is, that they were both virgins, and therefore some people may be apt, superstitiously to apprehend that the first child must be a fool; but to falsify that vulgar opinion, we can affirm, that the first child Minty ever had, was the wittiest of the five, of which she was delivered this lying in, and that the last born died of a miserable consumption, contracted in the womb from the imbecility of its texture. However, she was not so delicate or tender as to keep her room for the fashionable month: History affirms, that she killed two lusty mice, eat a slice of bacon, which she lighted on by accident, and went through the part of Columbine two days after delivery. The applause Tom got in the character of Harlequin procured him such a character as the celebrated Lun himself never purchased, with all his feats of activity; nay, this approbation went so far, that several people came to converse and familiarly play with him and actually gave him money, which he put into his master’s hands to keep for him; notwithstanding his confinement grew very irksome to Tom and his young lady, yet he fared very elegantly. He had bread and milk, for his breakfast every day, fresh meat for his dinner, and milk for supper; she indeed during her pregnancy longed for tea, of which the Jew seldom drank any.

To obtain freedom for himself and dear Minty, became now the sole object of his attention; it engrossed all his thoughts, and almost interfered with his business. No husband on earth, could love a wife better than he did his Minty, but love itself, incompatible with bondage and confinement seemed to give way to the noble efforts for freedom, with which his mind struggled. She indeed was a sharer in his misfortunes, which in some measure sweetned the bitter cup, and alleviated his misery, and though he did not understand Latin, yet he thought with the Roman Poet,

As he was taking a walk with Minty, he observed a mouse under the bed, and darting at it, he missed his aim, but made a happy discovery.

Not the famous Erwin, when he thought he found out the longitude by discovering the immersion of the satellite of Jupiter, could be more sensibly affected with raptures of delight, than our hero was on the discovery of a mouse-hole, which led into the next garret. Not Columbus, when he found America, nor Cortez on discovering the Indian mines of gold could be more overjoyed. He would have cried, ευρηκαμεν, but he happened not to understand the Greek—sure it is he thought it, though he did not express it in terms; but he was no sooner about reconnoitring the place, in order to invest it vi et armis, than the door opened, and he was for ever torn away from the arms of his beloved Minty. Oh! dire misfortune to lose his mistress, together with the means of escape, and just at the very crisis of the discovery.

So have I known a bard who having happily nicked a line, finds himself embarressed and sorely perplexed to discover a rime to it. He consults Bysshe’s Art of Poety, turns over the leaves, and investigates the whole volume to catch the rhime, but in vain—at length he scratches his head, pares his nails with his teeth, and fathoms the depth of his own memory, when, oh! unspeakable! a dun raps at the door, the rhime, just in the point of view, escapes him, and is lost for ever, never alass to be again recovered. It had been some consolation thought Tom, with himself, if this interruption was deferred only till I had made the discovery to my charming Minty—now she must pine in solitude, and waste the remainder of her widowhood in fruitless anguish and imprisonment; constrained to obey, though reluctant, every summons of her lordly ruler, to frisk, and dance without inclination, for the entertainment of a pitiful mob. Thus he lamented, till he was brought down stairs to be exhibited as a shew; for his extroardinary beauty and the rumour of his many excellent qualifications had drawn several to drink at the house where the Jew lodged, in order to have a sight of Tom the Harlequin, as he was now nick-named though other historians, and some commentators differ in this point, insisting that he was more universally called Harlequin Tom. Our penetration is not sufficiently piercing to discuss this, or to determine the dispute either in the affirmative or the negative. Many, however, were the encomiums bestowed on the singularity of his shape, his fine skin, and extraordinary stature, the brightness of his eyes, the symmetry of his limbs, the poignancy of his wit, or the agility of his body.

When our hero had gone through his several exercitations, the Jew pinned down his chain to the floor, and sat himself down with the company who had invited him to regale over a pot of beer, which when he consented one of the company who did not come there for nothing, entered into the following dissertation, which the reader will find in the next chapter, and if he chuses to read it through, he will find it none of the most frivolous in the history.

From the attempt to build, came the destruction of that stupendous pile, or rather quarry of stones, called Babel; hence some linguists say the English word babble from that destruction came the confusion of languages, which our modern dictionary-writers, under the pretence of distributing, have thrown all into pye, and are now building, or rather rebuilding that mighty fabric of tongues, by piling and compiling every new year, dictionary after dictionary, folio after folio, so that after a successive generation of the alphabet, every letter of which begets a column if not a whole page, we may expect soon to see a babel built of dictionaries, whose top shall aspire unto the clouds, and once more provoke the almighty thunderer, to send down a vindictive bolt which shall once more throw all tongues into their original confusion. There were at the same time of our hero’s being brought down from his dearest Minty about half a dozen of these Word-wrights, who after having seen the diverting drolls of Shuter and Yates, and among other things the performance of Tom the Harlequin, or Harlequin Tom, (utrum horum mavis accipe) were willing to pay a second visit to our hero, and therefore desired his master, the Jew, to bring him into their presence, that they might once more feast their eyes on a creature, which they affirmed to exceed the leopard in beauty, the tyger in saline qualities, and the antilope shape. This led them into a discourse on the qualities of this creature, and a very learned gentleman, who understood hellenisms started a question or quære—Unde derivature Cat? For, says he with a calendered face, we should first define any word before we can arrive at its constituent parts. The word Cat is a monasylable, made up of the constituent letters C. A. T. so is the word Hat derived (as Tom Brown says) quasi, from the word Hate, because, says that learned antiquarian, men hate to go without their hats, especially quakers, and ladies who wear them, and appear covered in their respect places of worship. Now, let us see, if we can’t find some word analogous in some of the languages, which may bear a similar analogy or corresponding affinity to the word Cat.

Now, gentlemen, in all the languages modern, or ancient, foreign or native, oriental, or occidental, cannot I find a nearer relation to the word Cat, than in the Greek language of which you know I am a perfect master—thus I say Cat, is derived from the Greek κατα, which being a Greek præposition, has several significations—analize the word Cat forward, it reads Cat, and backwards tac, and any other way, act, turn it as you will now, Sir, take the particle, or expletive article, a, a, Cat; turn this and wind it as you will, it must make either, a Cat, or atac, and borrowing an N, by way of subsidiary or ally to support the expletive a, he will then be an, and then it will be an atac, or an attack. Try the greek word κατα—wind him, and turn him, he makes the word, atak, or in our idiom attack, so that our English word, a Cat, and the greek word κατα, signifies, either way atak, or atac. And what creature is more fierce to attack than a Cat, and this I affirm to be the answer to unde drivatum, a Cat, not to mention the precise or indefinite significations of the præpositive expletive κατα. He said, and sate down—next spoke and stood, one split hair, a mighty causuist in words, who perfectly understood how to add, subtract, divide, and multiply in words as accomptants do in figures. He could make fractions, and was able to conjure down the best letter in the alphabet into a cyper, so as to serve him in cases of necessity, either on the right, or the left of an other letter; by the addition of these substitutes, he could make any word stand for, or mean, any thing, as the arithmetician does, with his nine figures, and his beloved, O, he could make them dance country dances, figure in, or figure out, just as he pleased of which I shall by way of examples, or diagram, give the following alphabetical system, of his own projection.

which letters being taken any way compose the same sound, and he defies any algebraist to make such another projection with the nine figures, since he has in this marvellous scheme made use of only eight letters.

He insists that the word Cat was derived from Cate, a delicate sweet-meat, for why? Cats love Cates, and are especially fond of licking cream? hence, the proverb—will a Cat lick cream? And, why not, interrupted another word-wright, named Quasimodo, why not, Cat, from Catherine, or from Catterpillar? This unexpected derivation drew over a great many partizans, of several who were in the seats, and some affirmed, it was the best derivation given as yet—Yes, says Split-hair, if he supports the alphabetical authority. A just objection, replied Quasimodo, but I only take the initial part of the word Cat-her-ine—or if you will Cat-he-ine; I have nothing to do with he-rine, or if you will herring, because to mix it in this place with Cat, would be confounding fish and flesh, and producing an amphibious meaning,—but suppose, Whittington’s Cat, or Montaigne’s Cat was called Kate, from Wittington’s wife Kate, or Cate, wont that do? And as for the word Caterpiller, or Catercousin, or Caterer, or Cat-call, or Cat and nine-tails, or Cat in pan—or Catamite, each and every of these words may be tortured to confess as good a derivation, as your κατα, or attack—and what do you think (says a wag in an adjacent seat) of the word Cat-eg-or-i-cal—much the same says Quasimodo, or the Greek appellative—Hecate, who was a witch, (most Cats are said to be witches, you know) which if you divide, will make out the word—He-cat—(e final left out) or hekaton, a hundred—or Cat-as—Strophe—so that at the fag end of the business instead of a Cat a nine-tails, you may have, a Cat-hekaton or Cat-a-hundred-tails.

While this learned dissertation passed, the German, who expected every moment, that the Hebrew language, would be at length brought on the tapis, eagerly swallowed ev’ry word, without digesting a letter, and having drunk plentifully of the circulating pots, which he emptied, as fast as they came round, he had forgot poor Tom, who by this time was some miles off; this being the whole design of this cabal; the intent, purpose, end, and meaning whereof, was no more than to gule the poor Jew, and steal Tom, by engrossing the German’s attention with porter and chat, till a proper opportunity should be found to loose his chain, and bear him off triumphant; which the fellow employ’d, executed with the most admirable dexterity, and tho’ poor Mr. Shuter, was accused of being concerned in this confederacy, our history entitles us to acquaint him, and Yates, together with all the other droll men, and wild beast men in the fair, and we do aver, they were ev’ry mother’s soul of them out of the plot, neither were any persons, directly, or indirectly in the hum, but the persons above mentioned, we mean the disputants Split-Hair, Quasimodo, and their adherents.

The Jew having been plentifully and designedly plied with liquor, (for he was permitted to drink the most part of ten pots to himself) never missed the hero of our history, till the next morning, and he went to bed that night as David’s sow, for he was not of David’s line. His name was Abram Judah, but his descent was from Ishmael, the hand-maid’s bastard son; and there are very few Jews who can truly and really boast any other descent, tho’ they, like all other people in this respect, when abroad, and far from their own home, affect and boast a pedigree to which they have no title.—There is not an English vagrant, on the common tramp (as they express it) but pretends to be well born, well bred, and worthy a better fate, than that to which he was then subject, even those under the dominion of Jack Ketch, though born of the most profligate and abandoned rogues, and prostitutes, and who have learned under the influence of their example, those vices, which brought them to that end, shall die with a lie in their mouths, and boast the honesty, if not the gentility of their parents: But of this flagrant piece of bravado, none are more guilty than the Welch, Irish and Scotch, who being reduced under the English yoke, and deprived of all other titles to worldly respect, hold fast a sprig of the tree of genealogy, and are all gentlemen born to estates, which they are kept out of by right owners, from Shenkin ap Shones, who has but three goats in the world, to the meanest Highlander.

Far be it from the writer of this history to make national reflections, but if these annals should happen to light into the hands of any of the three nations, let such remember, that it is absurd, and ridiculous to the last degree, to claim that respect which the world will give them on an imaginary title, either an estate on the mountain of Penmanmure, or a family descent, which, if it ever existed, is long since extinct, and dead to all intents and purposes.

But the Jews of all others run into the greatest extravagancies in this hypothetical system. Each and every of them, from the meanest pedlar up to S—— G—— will tell you the very identical spot in the land of Canaan, which was alloted to them by their legislator, long before the days of David: Nay, some of them shall boast of such and such of their female relations, who had the honour to be of the seraglio of king Solomon; nor can I neglect this favourable opportunity which offers itself of relating a secret memoir, of two or three of their richest people, which may serve as a specimen of their disinterested loyalty to the present prince, under whose auspicious government they enjoy all the reasonable privileges of natural subjects.

There was a traitor condemned to be executed at Tyburn, for having in this city watched our armaments by sea and land, and sent timely notice to the French king of all our intended expeditions. When he found that there was no hopes left, he privately sent to a proper person, to acquaint him, that he had something of moment to impart, which regarded the welfare of the nation. He was admitted, heard, and examined, and actually gave information of the particular people concerned in the French loan, at the head of which were the chief people of the Jews, and principally three of their richest and most opulent traders. The traytor by this discovery saved his life, at the time that the people at Tyburn had paid for their places to see the execution of so notorious a malefactor. The person to whom the information was delivered, turned the discovery to the prudent ends of government. He sent for the three principal money-lenders, who being confronted by the informer, were obliged to confess their treachery, and thus the loan intended for the French king, immediately changed its channel, and by the dexterity of the minister, became subservient to the expences of a tedious war.

Yet these loyal subjects are the very people, to whom we were on the point of linking ourselves, by a voluntary act of naturalization, as if we had entertained a presumptuous design of frustrating all prophecies, and making null the predictions of their dispersion, and of these people being a scattered people over the face of the whole earth. It was in vain for the son of Ishmael to lament the loss of his favourite Cat. Tom was irretrievably lost. His search was fruitless, and the more he stirred in the search, the more he became the object of ridicule.

Our hero was no sooner brought to his new lodings, than he found himself in the arms of his old fellow-servant Dolly Tinder, by whose subtilty the whole scheme was laid and executed by her agents, Split-Hair, and Quasimodo; the favorable representations she had made to the mistress with whom she now lived, of the beauty and excellence of our hero, captivated the lady with the strongest desire to have him in her own possession. She had indicated this desire to Split-Hair, and Quasimodo, two schoolmasters who attended her son, the one in Latin, the other in writing and accounts. She gave them a guinea to carry on this design with more facility, and to bribe proper instruments to bring off our hero; which was accordingly performed in the manner related.

Had Dolly Tinder given her mistress the most valuable present, she could not more have ingraciated herself than by this new acquisition; she fed him, caressed him, and did every thing endearing to cultivate a good acquaintance with her favourite. He even rivalled her darling parot in her affection; and ’tis said Poll took umbrage at this unnatural desertion, and did not speak a word to his mistress for two days. He refused even to be fed by her, and fell into the deepest melancholy. However, in some few days more, Tom behaved with that deference and respect to the parrot, whose plumage he greatly admired, and whose interests he was somewhat afraid of, that they entered into a very great friendship, and correspondence soon after, and he permitted Poll to take some of his best morsels, nay, brought it to his very cage, so that in a short time after, Poll would walk all over him as he lay stretched by the fire side, and suffered himself to be carried on his back as Tom walked along the parlour. But it happened one evening in the dusk, that he espied a beautiful young female, who seemed by her careless air to be disposed for a night’s ramble. Our hero, therefore, with his usual complaisance, went up to her, and made his inclinations known, that he should be glad to share that night’s adventure in company with so fair a creature, and she giving a half unwilling consent, he followed her to a dark ally; and was never more seen or heard of by his disconsolate mistress.

Our hero soon entered into such close and intimate connections with this young courtezan, that he forgot the duties he owed to himself. He forgot his honour; and all other grateful sentiments, were erased from his heroic breast, in this following the example of many illustrious kings and personages of antiquity, particularly Hannibal, and Alexander, the one delaid by pleasures, at Cannæ when he might have made himself master of Rome; the other immersed in voluptuousness, and foreign luxury at Persepolis, and forgetting his interests in Macedonia.

Thus, in like manner, did our Tom forget the duties he owed to his new and indulgent mistress, the lady of Dolly Tinder, not to mention his obligations to that faithful fellow-servant of his, to whom he owed his liberty. He now ranged at will, and took an unlimited freedom in the walks of love; till at length he found himself abandoned to sensuality, and resigned himself to the torrent of self-indulgence which bore him away from all morality and virtue. He left the city, and like a highway-man took the road to licentuousness, committing several robberies, and depredations, whereever he could light on prey. He would venture into the kitchens of country gentlemen and rob the larder,—he took bones of meat from several cats, depriving them of their meals, and like a fox, did once assault the poultry, carrying off a young goslin in triumph before the eyes of a whole family of geese and ganders. In short, his actions became infamous, and his reputation stunk worse than a Pole-cat.

As he was thus indulging himself in all manner of licentiousness, wherein the vocal songsters of the grove were not safe from his outrages, he went a whoring after strange Cats, and having neither the fear of man, bird, or beast before his eyes, he at length came to a large village; his beautiful varigated skin, fine shape, and uncommon structure attracted the eyes of a black Cat, the wife of a black Cat in that village; she made no manner of punctilio in eloping from her sable husband, but unnaturally left her house and home, to enjoy the solacing embraces of this lovely foreigner, Jet, for that was her husband’s name, missing his Negro-spouse, tracked her footsteps, and found them, tête a tête, in a neighbouring barn: Though unequal in size or strength to our hero, yet as the honour of his bed was concerned, he challenged him on the spot; a duel ensued, and after a faint of position was laid dead at the feet of our hero, who went farther a field, with the wanton widow of the deceased. But murder will out: Several black Cats happening to be marauding in the barn in quest of mice, saw the body, and went in pursuit of the murderer, whom they also traced by the blood, with which his claws were imbrued; they attacked him, and seeing himself ready to be overpowered by a superiority of force, he thought the safest expedient was to have recourse to flight, by which he escaped their fury. He had ran three miles, and found himself in a field adjacent to another village, nor was he long there, before several Cats surrounding him, smelt to the blood with which his coat was deformed, which when they found to be the blood of their enemies, instead of tearing Tom to pieces, (as they might have done in the midst of his great fatigue) they brought him victuals to refresh him, and one of them conducted him to a dairy, where he lapped milk sufficient to recruit his lost spirits.

These Cats were all tabbies, and had been long at war with the blacks of the neighbouring village. After holding many conferences, and councils of war, they nem. con. chose our hero to be generalissimo in chief for the ensuing campaign, which high commission he most gratefully accepted; he now became commander in chief, and being stronger than any other Cat in the three kingdoms, he became conscious of his own superiour qualifications: His last trial of his strength, with the sire Cat of the black nation convinced him of his matchless abilities, and therefore he now began to discipline his troops, and fight mock battles, to lay plans of operation, to train them to skirmish, in cursions and surprize. To teach how to quarter on an enemy’s country, to levy contributions, to cover the foragers, and in short the whole process of war, either by stratagem, Coup de main, or Manœuvre.

He sent out recuiting parties, who raised a large military force in less than a fortnight, and he lived, belov’d, feared, and respected by the soldiery as well as the other generals, and officers of his new army.

It was on a moon-light calm night on the glorious first of August, the date of the year I forgot, but the scene of action was on Black-Heath, that Tom at the head of an army of two hundred tabbies made his approaches, which he scorned to make in a private manner, but came up to them openly and in the moon-light. Neither did his motions escape their vigilance. He had divided his troops into eight battalions, twenty five in a battalion; and each battalion into five ranks, five in a line.—Two battalions, he left at some distance, as a corps de reserve, and with the other six, marched up to attack them before they could form in battle array. However, the dispositions of the enemy, were so well made in front by an old experienced general, that Tom, tho’ he made several furious attacks to break their front, the better to put those in confusion, who were forming behind, found himself mistaken both in the courage, and discipline of his enemy. For the wise general of the blacks, had prudently placed a line of veterans in the front, and as our general had never fought a campain before, he found himself foil’d in his first attempt, and thrown into some disorder; but rallying his soldiers and covering them like a shield, by his own personal courage and strength, he again formed his line of battle, and renewed the attack:—The enemy’s right wing seemed to have got an advantage of our left, which Tom observing dispatched an Aid du Camp in waiting to desire the general of the Corps de reserve to advance, but whether thro’ a misunderstanding of the orders, or that they were not delivered in an explicit manner, a whole battalion of ours was cut to pieces, while that general, was endeavouring to explain the orders: In the mean time, the left wing did wonders, supporting the attack, which was vigorous, with uncommon ardour.—The enemies front was repulsed several times, but they rallied so well, and kept such excellent order, that we lost a great many valiant soldiers, with four officers, e’er we could break through, which at last was effected with considerable loss. A second order was sent to the general of the Corps de reserve to pursue, but in this two he is said to have strangely neglected his duty, pleading that he did not know the roads. However the enemy retreated, in some disorder, and with as considerable a loss.

After having gained as compleat a victory as so stout a resistance could admit of, he determined to avail himself of those advantages generally resulting from conquest: He in consequence of this, disposed the troops in such a manner as to secure all the passes, and to prevent surprize. A more compleat and brilliant victory would have undoubtedly gained over the black Cats, had the general complied with his orders, without hesitation, and therefore his case being taken into consideration, he was divested of all his employments and honours, which at that time was for some reasons of state thought a sufficient disgrace, tho’ not an adequate punishment.

A Cat and nine-tails is so well known to the common soldiers and sailors that we need not describe it to them, we shall only say, that it is generally appointed for the punishment of delinquents: It is called a Cat and nine-tails, because a Cat is a vindictive creature, and is supposed to have as many lives as the number of the Muses, but why the number nine should be affixed either to this mastix, or those ladies of antiquity, we shall by no means take up the reader’s time in enquiring, but shall reserve that, among many other invaluable arcana, to ourselves.

We shall however take notice, that this vindictive mastix, this flaggellum, called a Cat and nine-tails is applied to the back, which shews its original intention, however since unworthily perverted to meaner punishments, was to chastise cowardice, or disobedience of orders, because tergiversation or turning the back is an act of cowardice and disobedience.

Had a common soldier been guilty of a manifest neglect or break of duty, we are not sure if one like the above-mentioned general would not have ordered the Cat and nine-tails to be applied to the offending party, but so it is that,

I remember to have been once in G——r, and perhaps some of my readers might have been there at the same time (in the year 1746) where I saw a common centinel receive five hundred strokes of the Cat and nine-tails for killing his own pig; worthy reader be not surprized, for in the same year captain P——n was broke by the same governor, for having bought a fish. The governor was afterwards broke himself, but he snapt his fingers at the disgrace, having by all manner of oppression (for he was sole merchant, baker, brewer, chandler, shoe-maker, &c. himself) amassed a fortune of sixty thousand pounds during his short government; but the poor centinel never received a sixpence for the five hundred injuries he received from the Cat and nine-tails.

Our hero having finished his campaign with success and glory, was one day watching under a farmer’s stack of corn, to take as many mice, as he could detect in their rapine; which was not unobserved by the house-dog, who being accustomed himself to such slaughter, on the pulling down the stacks, judged this to be an invasion of his rights and privileges. Tom had killed above a dozen, of which he had breakfasted upon seven, when Roger the house-dog came on him unawares, and invested his sides in such a manner, and began to worry him so terribly, that our hero, strong as he was, found himself almost at the mercy of his huge assailant.—Tom’s cries brought to his assistance three of the stoutest cats in the village, who attacking the nose of Roger, did so lacerate that, and the adjacent mouth and nose, that his yelling reached the ears of his master, who came time enough to disengage him from their talons. Roger, finding himself at liberty, would have run at our hero a second time, but our hero stood his ground spiting at him, and raising his back (on which the hairs stood erect, like a grove of spears) to an uncommon elevation. The farmer, seeing the resolution of this gigantic stranger, admired his intrepidity, and beating in the dog, attempted to wheedle our hero, who, on receiving such civil treatment from one he had never seen, and who had interposed between him and danger, advanced up to him in a gait truly courteous and graceful. The farmer went before, and Tom followed with all the humility of an invited guest. The farmer’s wife seeing a great huge cat all bloody, and its hairs almost torn from off its back, asked her husband in a very uncouth tone of voice, what galligaskin of a bear was that he had brought home with him; ’tis a fine cat, replied the husband, and such a galligaskin, as had like to have killed your Roger; here Ruth, says he, calling the dairy-maid, get him some new milk, for the poor devil has had a dev’lish bout on’t. He or Roger would have died on the spot, e’re either of e’m would have given it up; two such are not in the whole world besides, except my birchen cock, and switch the greyhound; I’ll match the four against the four winds: I suppose, said the gentle dame, you’ll bring your plough-horses in the house next; you’re become the jest of the parish already with your birchen-poles, your greyhounds, your horses, and your matches. Is the Cat to run a race next? See what the ’squire will say to you, when your rent comes to be paid; cocking and horse-racing will pay three hundred a year to be sure, and poaching will make a gentleman of you. Hold your busy tongue, says he, what was we before the last hard year? Were we worth a brass farthing, till corn grew dear? shew me e’re a farmer of e’m all has made a better hand on’t. The ’squire! Don’t tell me of the ’squire—what has he left out of fifteen hundred a year—have not I lent him from time to time seven hundred pounds on the west fields; and now he wants five hundred more on the great marsh to go to Newmarket—Rent! Why dy’e talk to me of rent? Or what is three hundred a year to me,—come, come, I dont forget, if you do—when you was glad to millk the cows, and do the drudgery of the steward’s house, and when I was no more, than Joe the ploughman—now, d’ye see, I’m another man, and you’re another woman—Hea’en send us another hard year—and then we’re made for ever. Come, come, whatever pets I have, I lose nothing by e’m dy’e see, and so take care of the stranger—Ruth—wash him from the blood, and I dare say he has a fine coat. Ruth did as she was ordered,—she gave our hero a large bowl of new milk, which he stood in great need of, having lived on rapine and plunder like other soldiers, ever since he quitted Dolly Tinder. But this rule of obedience was not the only reason why Ruth loved Cats above all things; there were other motives for the extraordinary pains she took in trimming, and feeding our distressed hero. She loved Cats, because her mistress hated them; she loved sports, because her master was fond of them; but above all, she loved ev’ry thing that her mistress hated, because she hated her mistress: The farmer and she had got between them several sons and daughters, and old Jane his wife was an old maid, twelve years since—Ruth was fruitful; a quality much admired by the tillers of ground, especially to those, who deal in corn; honest Joe loved young Ruth, much better than he did old Jane, because young Ruth’s children, which were numerous, were also very serviceable to his farm, and were likely to promote his intrests by the income of their labour; Ruth had been the refuge of the ’squire, from whom she descended to the ploughman Joe; when a young girl, she was old Jane’s superior, and during the time of her being the ’squire’s mistress, received many a low curt’sy from her new mistress. These were the springs of action, and the motives of particulars, which swayed in this family; so that old Jane had little more power in the house, than the power of her tongue, which she was determined not to part with, as she thought it was the last prerogative a wife should part with.

When she had washed, combed, and fed Tom, she introduced him; at first sight Jane could not believe her eyes, and when he came to pay his court to her, she condescended to stroke him, saying, now you may keep your pets to yourselves,—this shall be my pet for the future,—take you no trouble about him; for of all the creatures I ever set my eyes on, dogs, or Cats, horses, or hounds, game-cocks, or what not, this Cat exceeds every thing, and I hope you’ll not be running to my lady, to make her fall in love with it, and then give it away, for I’m determined never to part with it,—Ruth, see is it a he, or a she,—but no matter, I’ll keep it as long as it will stay with me; and what shall we call it Joe? Well, well, says Joe, if you like him take him, and call him what you please, you know the dog’s called Roger, so as this is of the better sort, give him a name yourself,—suppose you call him Prince, for I love Prince Ferdinand, tho’ he be a Hanoverian: Then Prince let him be, said old Jane, for sure he is the prince of Cats. Tom, tho’ he knew his own name better, was no way ashamed pf this new title of loyalty bestowed on him; but indeed he was too much tired to pay any great attention to the encomiums which were paid him, he therefore laid himself down by the fire-side and stretched his uncommon length, beneath the feet of his new mistress, entirely resigned to his present condition.

When he awoke, he, without paying any ceremony, either to the great house-dog, who only growl’d at him, or to a little sheep cur-dog, who run away from him, took a circuit of the house; he first reconnoitred the kitchen, smelt to every thing, and among the rest retired into the cole-hole, for reasons we do not think decent to mention. However, as he knew, when he was clean, he took care not to dirty his coat, or even his paws, because he found there a large quantity of saw-dust, where he performed his lucubrations. He then went up stairs, searched ev’ry room, and next proceeded to the garret, where an object, which he had never before seen, presented itself to his view. He walked round it, and round it, eyeing it with uncommon curiosity.—He smelt to it, and found something in the scent, with which he though himself very well acquainted, yet could he not conceive, for his life, what connection this machine had with the well-known smell.—At length he sat him down squat, as it were to ponder upon this new phœnomenon; after many ejaculations he could make nothing of it, and so retired into a dark closet to reconnoitre its contents. While he was smelling about there, he heard a sudden noise, and going to see what it was, observed a mouse hanging by the neck in the machine: He then began to smell a rat, and is said to have made the following meditation, in imitation of Swift’s, on a broom-stick.

By what name to call thee I know not, but the use, to which thou art destined, is evident as a mouse-hole; and who will after trust man? Are Cats so scarce, that their proferr’d service stinks.—Suppose the whole race extinct, would this admirable engine destroy the race of mice.—Can this machine smell them out, follow them to their dark recesses, sit over them, till they pop out their heads, and then put them to the slaughter? The structure is indeed a proof of human ingenuity, but is it not also that of their ingratitude, and is thus the feline services repaid? If men lay snares and gins for the vermin, which infest them, to what use are Cats created?

Suppose a creature to exist who lived upon fleas and lice, would it not be cruel to interpose between him and his prey, by the invention of wiles to take them:—Every one to his occupation.—That man should boast himself on the notable discovery of a piece of wood fabricated for such mean and ungenerous purposes! It is a monopoly, contrary to the nature and reason of things, to substitute an inanimate piece of wood instead of a living creature, made and intended for the purpose. I will never mouse more, let ungenerous man kill his own vermin, and invent ways and means to bring them to his baits. I have done with it and him, who thus plays Cat and pan with one of the most useful domestics he entertains.

Thus saying he struck the mouse-trap about the room with indignation, and went down stairs in the sullens.—However he was beloved by every body that knew him, this affair struck him to the heart, and he loathed the very victuals that were brought to him.

One day as he happened to be traversing the purlieus of the village, he saw a great number of mouse-traps lying in a window for sale. He recollected the form of the machine, and no doubt, judged rightly, that they were made there; upon this discovery, he went in the dusk of the evening, and by a most vociferous exertion of his voice, he summoned three-score Cats about him, who were curious to know the cause of this citation.

Tom was not long relating the occasion, and after having held a short conference with the gravest and most sagacious, he appointed the hour and place of assignation, which was at the mouse-trap-maker’s house between the hours of twelve and one at night.—They met according to appointment, when all the house was asleep, and he shewed the machines, at the same time interpreting the use of them to his brethren, and the next thing that came upon the tapis, was what to do with them, how to dispose of them, and in fine how to destroy them; and the result of this short conference was to burn them on the spot; they accordingly gathered the chips and shavings that lay about the shop, and dragging about two hundred of them, which were finished, they in an hour’s time set fire to them all; as their was a fire in the shop it was easily done by sixty Cats, who were as busy as their indignation could make them, nor did they much care whether they set the house on fire as they detested every thing in it, both the house and the master.—But as the business was very hot so did it over heat several Cats, who died of fevers, contracted by that nights ferment; and among the rest our hero fell sick that night, and tho’ all proper care was taken to recover him, he died the third day of his sickness, being in the year 1759, and on the 18th of September, near two months after the glorious victory obtained by him in his troops, and in the second year of his age, untimely cut off in the bloom of life. He was decently interred in the garden, and tho’ no monument was erected to his memory, we hope this our respectable history will transmit his name to the latest posterity.

FINIS.