“Girls, come to order!” shouted Hilda
Bretherton in a somewhat disorderly
tone.
“How can we come to order without
a president?” queried a rosy-cheeked, roly-poly
damsel answering to the name of
Puddy Kennett.
“I elect Prue Shaftsbury!” screamed
Hilda above the merry din of voices.
“You can't elect—you simply nominate,”
said Prue.
“I second the motion,” said Nannie
Branscome, and her remark was instantly
followed by a storm of “ayes” before
they were called for, and the president
was declared elected and proceeded to
take her seat.
“Young ladies,” said she, “we are met
to consider a scandalous——”
“Scurrilous,” suggested Hilda.
“——alarming article,” continued the
president, “entitled 'How to Cook
Wives.'”
“Here! here!” interrupted Hilda again,
“we can't do anything until we've elected
officers and appointed committees.”
“Out of a club of four members?”
queried Prudence.
“Certainly. Mother said that yesterday
at her club, out of eight women they
elected twelve officers and appointed
seven committees of three each. Why,
you know two men can't meet on a street
corner without immediately forming a
secret society, electing president, vice-president,
secretary, and treasurer, and
appointing a committee of five to get up
a banquet.”
“But to return to the subject,” persisted
the president—a long-faced girl
with a solemn countenance, but a suspicious
gleam in her eye. “'How to
Cook Wives'—that is the question before
the house.”
“'How to Cook Wives!' Well, if that
isn't rich! It makes me think of the old
English nursery song—'Come, ducky,
come and be killed.' Now it will be,
'Come, ducky, come and be cooked.' I
move that Congress be urged to enact a
law adopting that phrase as the only legal
form of proposal. Then if any little
goose accepts she knows what to expect,
and is not caught up and fried without
foreknowledge.”
“Young ladies,” said the president.
“Don't mow me down in my prime,”
urged Hilda in an injured tone. “I'm
making my maiden speech in the house.”
“Oh, girls, look, quick!” cried Puddy.
“See Miss Leigh. Isn't that a fetching
gown she has on?”
The entire club rushed to the window.
“Who's she with?” asked Hilda. “He's
rather fetching, too.”
“I believe his name is Chance,” said
Puddy Kennett. “He's not a society fellow.”
“Oh, he's the chum of that lovely man,”
said Hilda.
“Which lovely man?” asked Prue.
“There are so many of them.”
“Why—oh, you know his name. I
can't think of it—Loveland—Steve Loveland.
We met him at Constance Leigh's
one evening.”
Here Nannie Branscome colored, but
no one noticed her.
“Young ladies, come to order,” said
the president.
“Or order will come to you,” said
Hilda. “Prue has raised her parasol—gavel,
I mean.”
“There goes Amy Frisbe,” remarked
Puddy from her post by the window.
“Do you know her engagement's off?”
“Well, I'll be jig——” Hilda began.
“Sh-h!” said the president.
“The president objects to slang, but I'll
still be jiggered, as Lord Fauntleroy's
friend remarked.”
“Sh-h!” said the president.
“Girls, that reminds me,” said Puddy.
“I met a publisher from New York at the
opera last night who objected to the
slightest slang.”
“Oh, me!” exclaimed Hilda. “Why,
where has Mother Nature been keeping
the dear man all these years?”
“On Mr. Sheldon's editorial staff,”
suggested Nannie Branscome.
“Oh, that's too bad, Nannie,” exclaimed
Prudence. “My father—and he's
not a religious man—said the Topeka
Capital was a wonderful paper Sheldon's
week.”
“I'm not denying that,” said Nannie.
“I believe it was wonderful. I believe
and tremble.”
“With other little——”
“Sh-h!” said the president, and Hilda
subsided.
“Was Amy Frisbe at the opera last
night?” asked Puddy rather irrelevantly.
“No,” said Hilda, “but Arthur Driscol
was. He sat in a box with the Gorman
party and was devoted to Mamie Moore
all the evening. If I'd been Mrs. Gorman
I'd dropped him over the railing.”
“You don't mean that Amy Frisbe has
been jilted?” exclaimed the president.
“I do, and it's her third serious heart
wound. Really, that girl is entitled to
draw a pension.”
“Well, I'll be jig——” began Nannie.
“Sh-h!” said the president, and then
she added: “Young ladies, it is for you
to decide how you'll be served up in future.”
“Is it for us to decide?” asked Nannie
Branscome.
She had a peculiar way of saying things
of this sort. She would lower her head
and look out from under her head frizzles
in a non-committal fashion, but with a
suggestion of something that made her
piquant, bewitching face irresistible.
“Certainly,” said the president. “The
style of cooking depends on the cook.”
“Well, let us first see what choice we
have in the matter. What variety of
dishes are named? Where's the article
and where did it come from?” asked
Hilda.
“George Daly had it last night and he
read bits of it between the acts.”
“So that's what I missed by declining
Mrs. Warren's box party invitation!” exclaimed
Hilda. “Well, let's have the
article.”
“I haven't got it,” said Puddy.
“George wouldn't give it to me. He
said it belonged to Mr. Porter, but I
copied some of it.”
“Oh, there's Evelyn Rogers. Let's
call her in. Evelyn! Evelyn!”
Hilda was at the window gesticulating
and calling.
“Young ladies,” said the president,
“I'm surprised. Come to order. Good-morning,
Evelyn. We are met to consider
an important matter—'How to Cook
Wives.'”
Evelyn laughed.
“Is that all you called me in for? I
heard enough of that last night. It was
George Daly's theme all the evening.”
“Were you at the box party?” asked
Hilda.
“Yes, I was so silly as to go. Oh,
these society people just wear me out.
I'm more tired this morning than I should
be if I'd worked at a churn all day yesterday.
They're so stupid. They talk
all night about nothing.”
“You ought to commend them for intellectual
economy; they make a little go
such a long way,” said Prudence.
“Seriously, though, are you met to consider
that piece?” asked Evelyn.
“No,” said Puddy. “We just happened
to meet, and that came up for discussion.”
“Well, as I don't care——” began
Evelyn, laughing.
“Sh-h!” said the president.
“The publisher from New York says
slang is not used in the best circles,” said
Hilda.
She recited this in a loud, stereotyped
tone, giving the last word a strong upward
inflection, suggestive of a final call
to the dining-room.
“Yes, I know,” said Evelyn. “I met
him at the box party last night, and he
told me so.”
“What did you say?” inquired Puddy.
“I said it must be awful to be deaf
from birth.”
“Did he hear that?” laughed Hilda.
“I presume he did, for he gave me one
look and straightway became dumb as
well as deaf.”
“Girls, I must be going!” exclaimed
Hilda suddenly. “Really, if any poor
galley slave works harder than I do, I
commend him to the Society for the Prevention
of Cruelty to Adults. I've already
been out to a luncheon to-day, at
Mrs. Pierce's, and Pachmann's matinée
this afternoon, and I must go to Joe
Harding's dinner to-night——”
“Are you going to that swell affair?”
interrupted Puddy. “I envy you.”
“I don't,” said Evelyn scornfully. “Joe
Harding's little better than an idiot, and
he's notorious in many ways.”
“He can give swell dinners, though,
and the best people are his guests.”
“No, they're not,” said Evelyn emphatically.
“I'm not there and never will
be.”
“Young ladies, come to order,” said
Hilda in a severe tone, “and listen to my
tale of woe. After the Harding dinner
I go to the opera with the Harding party,
and then, with my chaperone, that pink of
propriety, Mrs. Warren, I attend the
Pachmann reception at the Rutherfords.
Now, if your scrubwoman can name a
longer, harder, or——”
“More soul and brain enervating list,”
continued Evelyn.
“I should be pleased—I mean pained
to hear it,” concluded Hilda.
“And what does it all amount to?”
asked Evelyn. “Will any one tell me
what you are working for?”
“A settlement,” said Nannie promptly.
“I'm the only niece of poor but impecunious
relatives, and they expect me to
do my best and marry well.”
“Goodness, child!” exclaimed Hilda,
“I hope you don't tell the brutal, cold-blooded
truth in society!”
“Why, no, that isn't it,” said Puddy.
“We are going out to have a good time.”
“Oh, you slaves and bondwomen!” exclaimed
Evelyn. “You don't know what
a good time means. I must be off.
Adieu, seneschals.” And with a pitying
smile she left them.
She was a handsome, spirited-looking
girl, with a queenly carriage. As she
went out of the house Constance Leigh
came by, and the two walked off together.
“There's a pair of them,” Hilda remarked.
“Awfully nice girls,” said Nannie.
“Oh, yes, but they're rabid. Constance
Leigh is as independent as a March hare,
and Evelyn is perfectly fierce for reforms
now.”
“What, a socialist?” asked Prudence.
“No, not exactly, but she gathers the
most awful class of people about her, and
fairly bristles with indignation if one ventures
to criticise them.”
“What do you mean—criminals?”
asked Prudence.
“You'd think so if you chanced to run
into one of them. Why, last Sunday
evening she had an inebriate up to tea
with her; next Sunday she expects a wife-beater,
or choker, or something of that
sort, and the other day, when I was coming
out from a call on her, I met a black-browed,
desperately wicked-looking man—as
big as a mountain. I know he was
a murderer or something. I never was
so frightened in my life. Why, I took
to my heels and ran the length of the
street. I presume he was after me, but I
didn't dare look behind.”
“You needn't have worried, Hilda,”
said Prudence. “You know big men
never run after you.”
It was a notorious fact that most of
Hilda's admirers were about half her size.
“Oh, yes. That holds good in society,
but I don't know what might obtain in
criminal circles.”
“Hilda, did your villain carry a cane
and wear glasses?”
“I was too frightened to notice, but I
believe he flourished a stout stick of some
sort, and I do remember a wicked gleam
about his eyes—might have been spectacles.”
The girls burst out laughing.
“Why, it's Professor Thing-a-my-Bob,
or Dry-as-Dust, or somebody or other,
from Washington. He's her fiancé.”
“Well, I don't care if he is,” persisted
Hilda. “He's a wicked-looking villain.”
“Oh!” screamed the girls, and then
Prudence added, with mock solemnity:
“Any one who could talk slightingly of
a genuine college professor would speak
disrespectfully of the equator or be sassy
to the dictionary.”
“I'd just enjoy telling the poor old
proff what Hilda——” began Nannie,
but the persevering president interrupted
her.
“Young ladies, you will now come to
order and consider the subject in hand.”
“Which hand? Or in other words,
where's that article? I should like to see
it,” said Hilda.
“It appeared in the Tribune, but I
didn't see it,” said Puddy, “but I can give
you some little bits, here and there, that
I jotted down as George Daly read them.
Now listen.”
“Order,” said the president.
“'First catch your fish,'” Puddy read
impressively, looking around for approval.
“First go a-fishing, I should say,” said
Hilda.
“'Don't hang up your fish on a hook
in the housekeeper's department and think
your work is done.'”
“That's Hugh Millett,” murmured the
president. “I don't think he's been home
since he returned from his wedding trip.”
“'Start with a clear fire, not too hot.
Don't pile on all the wood and coal at
once, for if the fire burns down before
your fish is done it will be quite spoiled.'”
“Well, Mrs. Munsey is a spoiled fish,
then,” said Hilda. “Don't you remember,
Prue, how Will Munsey heaped on
the lovering at first? It was four inches
deep—lovey this and dovey that till it
fairly cloyed one. But the fire went out
long ago. There's no spark or sparking
on that hearth now.”
“'Don't think, after the cooking is well
under way, that you can leave it to take
care of itself.' I had something more,”
said Puddy, fumbling in her reticule for
another bit of paper. “Oh, here it is:
'Don't stuff your fish with dried crusts
composed of the way your mother used to
do this.' And here's another: 'Some
husbands, after making it so hot in private
that their poor wives are nearly reduced
to a cinder, serve them up in public
with a cold shoulder. Others toss
them carelessly into a kettle to simmer
from morning till night over the nursery
fire.'”
“I'm going,” said Nannie abruptly, and
without further ceremony she departed,
just as Evelyn Rogers came in again.
“Nannie Branscome is a perfect——”
Hilda began.
“Sh-h!” said the president.
“Well, I trust she'll settle in a heavily
wooded country, for the cooking she'll
require before she's palatable would break
a millionaire if fuel was dear.”
“Oh! she'll do well enough when she
has her growth,” said Prudence in her
dry way.
Nannie's growth was a subject of jest
among her mates. At sixteen she suddenly
thrust her foot forward into womanhood
with saucy bravado, as it
seemed. At seventeen she snatched it
back—pettishly, some said, but there were
those who looked deeper, and they discerned
a certain vague terror in the movement—a
dread of the unknown. Since
that time—almost a year now—Nannie
had been hovering on the border line,
something like a ghost that has ceased to
be an inhabitant of this world and yet
refuses to be well laid.
“Now listen to this, girls,” said Puddy,
who was intent on reading her excerpts
to the bitter end. “'If a wife is allowed
to boil at all, she always boils over.'”
“It would require a high temperature
to boil you, Hilda,” said Prudence with a
laugh, for Hilda's good-nature had passed
into proverb.
The girl looked down from her five
feet nine inches of height with her easy,
comfortable smile.
“Why? Because of my altitude?” she
asked.
“'And you will be sure to scald your
fingers and get the worst of it,'” Puddy
went on relentlessly.
This struck Evelyn's fancy and she exclaimed:
“Girls, I can just see Nannie's husband
sitting in the doorway of their cabin
blowing his fingers and wincing.”
“Can you?” said a voice, and the girls
started as they saw Nannie standing between
the curtains of the folding doors.
Sometimes she resembled an elf in her
weird beauty; just now she looked more
like an imp.
Something disagreeable might have ensued,
for Nannie's temper was uncertain
and undisciplined, but Prudence said in a
presidential tone:
“Young ladies, it is for you to decide
how you will be served up in future. Will
some one please make a motion?”
“Oh, let's decide how each other will
be served,” said Hilda. “You know at
church nobody applies any of the sermon
to himself, but fits it all on to his neighbors.”
“Evelyn will be raked over the coals,”
said Nannie in a low, intense voice.
Evelyn's handsome face flushed and
her lips parted for a retort, but Hilda exclaimed:
“Puddy will be made into delicious
round croquets,” and she smacked her lips
with anticipatory relish.
“Hilda'll be kept in a nice continual
stew,” retorted Puddy.
“Nannie'll be parboiled, fried, fricasseed——”
began Hilda, but Nannie exclaimed:
“No, I'll be roasted—you see if I'm
not!”
“Prue will be baked in a genteel, modern
way,” said Evelyn.
“Yes!” shouted Hilda, to get above the
noise. “Girls, mark my words. Some
day Mr. Smith, Brown, or Jones, whoever
he is, will invite us all to a clambake,
and when we arrive we'll find it's just
dear old Prue served up.”
This hit at Prudence's usual silence
struck the company forcibly, and after a
little more from the recipe they broke up
with noisy mirth.
On the doorstep Nannie paused and
looked about her. Puddy's last extract
from the article under discussion was
wandering through her brain, something
as a cat wanders through a strange house.
“Order a dressing as rich and as plentiful
as you can afford.”
Nannie understood this well enough.
She was wearing such a dressing at that
very moment, but the next sentence
puzzled her.
“If you can't afford the best, heap your
fish with crumbs of comfort. Press
some of these into pretty shapes, such as
hearts, and roses, and true lovers' knots.
If you have neither the patience nor the
skill to follow these directions, take my
advice and don't go a-fishing.”
Nannie had never received a caress at
home in her life and very few abroad, for
she was not one to form close friendships
among the girls. Her parents had died
before she could become acquainted with
them, and the aunt who had reared her
was a worldly woman who looked upon
her merely as a valuable piece of social
property. Nannie's lack of popularity
was disappointing, but the aunt still hoped
that her unusual beauty would atone for
her brusqueness, crudity, and lack of tact,
and she would form a rich alliance. Between
her aunt and uncle there had never
been, to Nannie's knowledge, the slightest
expression of affection, and so when
one spoke of “hearts and roses” and “true
lovers' knots” in a domestic connection,
the words fell strangely upon the girl's
ears.
The sun was streaming through the
trees that lined the broad, handsome avenue
as the merry group broke up. Happy
children, their dear little bodies tastefully
clothed and their dear little faces wreathed
in smiles, flitted about here and there at
play, like pretty elves. Now and then
some one or more of them would run,
with shouts of glee, to welcome a home-coming
father.
In the heart of a more womanly, more
happily trained girl, all this would have
awakened tender yearnings. It awakened
a feeling in Nannie's heart—just
what it meant she could not have told—but
this vague, unused something was
soon swept one side by a more comical
image. As she looked at the handsome
dwellings she seemed to hear a voice calling:
“Wives for dinner! wives for dinner!”
And from the household altars there
rose the smoke of unique dishes—domestic
fries, feminine roasts, conjugal stews,
in highly colored family jars.
“Come, ducky, come and be cooked!”
sounded in her ears.
“No, I thank you,” said Nannie audibly.
And she hurried down the avenue.