In the gloom of the sunless November afternoon
the ordinary solemnity of the old church
seemed palpably increased by an atmosphere
of unusual peace and mystery that gave sorrow
its solace in a sense of the latent and inevitable
sadness of all mortal life.
From one or two of the confessional boxes
there arose a confused murmur of voices, and
under one of the galleries, where the great fantastic
shadows were rather increased than diminished
by a flare of gaslight, a nun was drilling
a bevy of demure little maidens in their catechism.
And every now and again the subdued
chords of the organ rose into a joyous peal and
thrilled and dominated the drowsy, monotonous
sibilant murmur of prayer and clear treble responses
of the children. Then in the hush the
muffled sounds of praying and moving women
seemed to intensify the stillness that filled the
dome and nave, and a sense of isolation in the
midst of life crept over the spirit of one touched
with the human pathos of the scene.
Occasionally, however, one of the low, narrow
doors of the main entrance was held open for a
few moments, and the rumble of the traffic in
the crowded streets without surged in with a
music of its own, and the nearness of the whirlpool
of human destiny swept through the minds
of many who would fain put the world out of
their thoughts and lives and find a refuge for all
sorrow in the love of God. Unburdened hearts
thus suddenly invaded by the chill mockery of
reality sought to drown the reawakened memory
of life’s human web of fate in a fresh abandonment
to all their deepest sorrows and unutterable
hopes in the silence of God’s House. Here they
would forget the fierce turmoil of the world,
and acknowledge to God all the anguish of
thoughts and soul that none dare reveal to their
fellows. But there is no sanctuary in the world
for the soul of man so sacred that the irony of
life cannot enter.
At the chancel steps the form of a woman was
bent in an attitude of prostrate prayer—in an
oblivious abandonment of everything but the
passion in her soul, so entirely unusual in a
conventional religious assembly in our time,
that several eyes were directed toward her. A
gray and venerable father who was passing
through the church observed her, and hesitated
for a moment whether he should go and say a
word of comfort to her. But as a sob shook her
frame he murmured to himself, “She is in the
hands of God and He will restore,” and with a
little sigh passed on. This was a very poor
parish. The good father was used to pitiable
scenes and the prayers of those whose only
friend in all the world was God—and even so
the priest had to admit that life was sad.
The woman was oblivious or indifferent to all
that passed about her. Her face was buried in
her hands, clenched together in anguish, and
the sobs that rose and choked her utterance and
swept conscious thought into paroxysms of inarticulate
despair, showed how intensely she
suffered and hoped and doubted. There was no
serenity, no calm acquiescence in her prayer—it
was all revolt and demand, and in the presence
of the Host at God’s altar she doubted.
She had purposely withdrawn from the little
groups of women gathered together in their devotions,
and when the door opened and the noise
of the street clashed for a moment with the harmony
of prayer and the low tide of flutey music
from the organ loft, she shrank closer to the altar
railing. The stir of life without struck a
chill into her heart, and all the fervor of her
hopes died within her.
For a few moments her lips were compressed
in the silent anguish that benumbs the mind
and racks the body in every nerve and fibre.
She almost collapsed inertly on the steps. Then
the loathing of life that had possessed her as
she had threaded her way through the narrow,
sordid streets returned with all its dread insistence
of inconquerable morbid thought. “So
long as men are what they are,” she said under
her breath, despairingly, “God cannot be good,”
and she drew herself up with dry eyes and haggard
face, and mechanically crossing herself as
she gained her feet, she turned to leave the
church without another word.
She tottered slowly and half blindly down the
aisle and only reached the darkened vestibule
with a great effort and several stops on the way.
Putting her hand to the heavy, leathern door,
she found herself too feeble to move it. She
leaned wearily against the wainscot and waited.
No one came. Then, moved with the petulance
of passionate despair, she prayed in her heart,
“Oh, God, let me out of thy House since thou
wilt not answer my prayers.”
It was now twilight, and she recalled the
flaunting horrors and misery of the squalid
streets of the quarter, and a feeling of revulsion
swept over her. After all, she and her husband
had only God in all the world to look to for
help and comfort under the burdens of life; for
even the knowledge of misery and sorrow does
not teach men love and pity. And in the cruel
world she only dared to be human with God.
She steadied herself against the wall, her eyes
dimmed with tears, and her soul filled with a
great longing to pour out her repentance, and
again ask the boon that haunted her troubled
dreams as well as her waking thoughts.
She stumbled into one of the nearest pews,
and falling upon her knees she repeated mentally,
with her busy thoughts otherwhere, one
of the prayers of the regular service, and then a
great cry arose in her soul, and she wailed the
prayer that monopolized her heart and mind
day and night, and in or out of church was
always being prayed in all her life.
“Oh, Lord God, we are utterly alone and bereft
in the world, save as Thy presence is near
to comfort us. I ask and pray for only one
thing—for the life and strength of my poor
husband, who is as Thou knowest wasting at
death’s door, and in our misery I can do nothing
to save him, nothing to alleviate his sufferings.
Oh, God, I have given Thee this day, to
make my special prayer—and a day is so much
to the poor, whose bread must be won somehow
every day. Oh, dear Lord, in mercy hear me.
There is no pity, no mercy, no compassion
among men, for they live only for gold though
they bring their prayers to Thee. Only Thou,
the living truth and God art left to our hope,
and I am here at thy altar to claim the gift of
life Thou hast promised in giving life. Abandoned
and despised, denied and starved by men, I
come to Thee, in our dire extremity, and ask
this boon of life of Thy omnipotent arm.”
And so she prayed with all the fervor of her
overwrought spirit, until the dusk reminded
her of the many hours she had been absent from
the sick man in the attic they called home.
As she was about to cross her own threshold,
a hand was laid upon her shoulder in the darkness,
and a voice filled with a love and tenderness
she had never heard in any human speech,
said, softly:
“What ails thee?”
She could see nothing, but her soul was
grown desperate, and she answered, without
fear, “I am troubled for my husband, for his
life is ebbing away, and the miseries we suffer.
I pray only for him, but God does not answer
my prayers.”
“And do you pray only for your husband?”
“Yes, we are all alone in the world, and there
are none who care for us, or do for us, or pity
us. We have only God.”
“Then pray for all the world and all mankind,
and perhaps God will hear your prayer.”
Then the sorrowing soul knew that she too
was not without sin, and that out of the House
of God she had met the angel of the Lord.
Walter Blackburn Harte.