Paris hints of sacrifice.—But here we deal with
that large dusty facet known to indulgent and
congruous kind. It is in its capacity of delicious
inn and majestic Baedeker, where western Venuses
twang its responsive streets and hush to soft growl
before its statues, that it is seen. It is not across
its Thébaïde that the unscrupulous heroes chase each
other’s shadows. They are largely ignorant of all
but their restless personal lives.
Inconceivably generous and naïve faces haunt the
Knackfus Quarter.—We are not, however, in a Selim
or Vitagraph camp (though “guns” tap rhythmically
the buttocks).—Art is being studied.—Art is the
smell of oil paint, Henri Murger’s Vie de Bohème,
corduroy trousers, the operatic Italian model. But
the poetry, above all, of linseed oil and turpentine.
The Knackfus Quarter is given up to Art.—Letters
and other things are round the corner.—Its rent is
half paid by America. Germany occupies a sensible
apartment on the second floor. A hundred square
yards at its centre is a convenient space, where the
Boulevard du Paradis and Boulevard Pfeifer cross
with their electric trams.—In the middle is a pavement
island, like vestige of submerged masonry.—Italian
models festoon it in symmetrical human
groups; it is also their club.—The Café Berne, at
one side, is the club of the “Grands messieurs Du
Berne.” So you have the clap-trap and amorphous
Campagnia tribe outside, in the café twenty sluggish
common-sense Germans, a Vitagraph group or two,
drinking and playing billiards. These are the most
permanent tableaux of this place, disheartening and
admonitory as a Tussaud’s of The Flood.
Hobson and Tarr met in the Boulevard du Paradis.—They
met in a gingerly, shuffling fashion. They
had so many good reasons for not slowing down when
they met: crowds of little antecedent meetings all
revivifying like the bacilli of a harmless fever at the
sight of each other: pointing to why they should crush
their hats over their eyes and hurry on, so that it was
a defeat and insanitary to have their bodies shuffling
and gesticulating there. “Why cannot most people,
having talked and annoyed each other once or twice,
rebecome strangers simply? Oh, for multitudes of
divorces in our mœurs, more than the old vexed sex
ones! Ah, yes: ah, yes—!” had not Tarr once put
forward, and Hobson agreed?
“Have you been back long?” Tarr asked with
despondent slowness.
“No. I got back yesterday,” said Hobson, with
pleasantly twisted scowl.
(“Heavens: One day here only, and lo! I meet
him.”)
“How is London looking, then?”
“Very much as usual.—I wasn’t there the whole
time.—I was in Cambridge last week.”
(“I wish you’d go to perdition from time to time,
instead of Cambridge, as it always is, you grim, grim
dog!” Tarr wished behind the veil.)
They went to the Berne to have a drink.
They sat for some minutes with what appeared a
stately discomfort of self-consciousness, staring in
front of them.—It was really only a dreary, boiling
anger with themselves, with the contradictions of
civilized life, the immense and intricate camouflage
over the hatred that personal diversities engender.
“Phew, phew!” A tenuous howl, like a subterranean
wind, rose from the borderland of their
consciousness. They were there on the point of
opening with tired, ashamed fingers, well-worn pages
of their souls, soon to be muttering between their teeth
the hackneyed pages to each other: resentful in
different degrees and disproportionate ways.
And so they sat with this absurd travesty of a
Quaker’s meeting: shyness appearing to emanate
masterfully from Tarr. And in another case, with
almost any one but Hobson, it might have been shyness.
For Tarr had a gauche, Puritanical ritual of
self, the result of solitary habits. Certain observances
were demanded of those approaching, and quite
gratuitously observed in return. The fetish within—soul-dweller
that is strikingly like wood-dweller, and
who was not often enough disturbed to have had
sylvan shyness mitigated—would still cling to these
forms. Sometimes Tarr’s cunning idol, aghast at its
nakedness, would manage to borrow or purloin some
shape of covering from elegantly draped visitor.
But for Hobson’s outfit he had the greatest
contempt.
This was Alan Hobson’s outfit.—A Cambridge cut
disfigured his originally manly and melodramatic
form. His father was a wealthy merchant somewhere
in Egypt. He was very athletic, and his dark and
cavernous features had been constructed by Nature
as a lurking-place for villainies and passions. He was
untrue to his rascally, sinuous body. He slouched
and ambled along, neglecting his muscles: and his
dastardly face attempted to portray delicacies of
common sense, and gossamer-like backslidings into
the Inane that would have puzzled a bile-specialist.
He would occasionally exploit his blackguardly
appearance and blacksmith’s muscles for a short time,
however. And his strong, piercing laugh threw
A B C waitresses into confusion.
The Art-touch, the Bloomsbury stain, was very
observable. Hobson’s Harris tweeds were shabby.
A hat suggesting that his ancestors had been Plainsmen
or some rough sunny folk, shaded unnecessarily
his countenance, already far from open.
The material for conversation afforded by a short sea
voyage, an absence, a panama hat on his companion’s
head, had been exhausted.—Tarr possessed no deft
hand or economy of force. His muscles rose unnecessarily
on his arm to lift a wine-glass to his lips.
He had no social machinery, but the cumbrous one
of the intellect. He danced about with this, it is true.
But it was full of sinister piston-rods, organ-like
shapes, heavy drills.—When he tried to be amiable,
he usually only succeeded in being ominous.
It was an effort to talk to Hobson. For this effort
a great bulk of nervous force was awoken. It got
to work and wove its large anomalous patterns. It
took the subject that was foremost in his existence
and imposed it on their talk.
Tarr turned to Hobson, and seized him, conversationally,
by the hair.
“Well, Walt Whitman, when are you going to
get your hair cut?”
“Why do you call me Walt Whitman?”
“Would you prefer Buffalo Bill? Or is it Shakespeare?”
“It is not Shakespeare⸺”
“‘Roi je ne suis: prince je ne daigne.’—That’s
Hobson’s choice.—But why so much hair? I don’t
wear my hair long. If you had as many reasons for
wearing it long as I have, we should see it flowing
round your ankles!”
“I might ask you under those circumstances why
you wear it short. But I expect you have good
reasons for that, too. I can’t see why you should
resent my innocent device. However long I wore it
I should not damage you by my competition⸺”
Tarr rattled the cement match-stand on the table,
and the garçon sang “Toute suite, toute suite!”
“Hobson, you were telling me about a studio to
let before you left.—I forget the details⸺”
“Was it one behind the Panthéon?”
“That’s it.—Was there electric light?”
“No, I don’t think there was electric light. But
I can find out for you.”
“How did you come to hear of it?”
“Through a German I know—Salle, Salla, or
something.”
“What was the street?”
“The Rue Lhomond. I forget the number.”
“I’ll go and have a look at it after lunch.—What
on earth possesses you to know so many Germans?”
Tarr asked, sighing.
“Don’t you like Germans?—You’ve just been too
intimate with one; that’s what it is.”
“Perhaps I have.”
“A female German.”
“The sex weakens the ‘German,’ surely.”
“Does it in Fräulein Lunken’s case?”
“Oh, you know her, do you?—Of course, you
would know her, as she’s a German.”
Alan Hobson cackled morosely, like a very sad top-dog
trying to imitate a rooster.
Tarr’s unwieldy playfulness, might in the chequered
northern shade, in conjunction with nut-brown ale,
gazed at by some Rowlandson—he on the ultimate
borders of the epoch—have pleased by its à propos.
But when the last Rowlandson dies, the life, too, that
he saw should vanish. Anything that survives the
artist’s death is not life, but play-acting. This
homely, thick-waisted affectation!—Hobson yawned
and yawned as though he wished to swallow Tarr
and have done with him. Tarr yawned more noisily,
rattled his chair, sat up, haggard and stiff, as though
he wished to frighten this crow away. “Carrion-Crow”
was Tarr’s name for Hobson: “The olde
Crow of Cairo,” rather longer.
Why was he talking to this man? However, he
shortly began to lay bare the secrets of his soul.
Hobson opened:
“It seems to me, Tarr, that you know more
Germans than I do. But you’re ashamed of it. Hence
your attack. I met a Fräulein Fierspitz the other
day, a German, who claimed to know you. I am
always meeting Germans who know you. She also
referred to you as the ‘official fiancé’ of Fräulein
Lunken.—Are you an ‘official fiancé’? And if so,
what is that, may I ask?”
Tarr was taken aback, it was evident. Hobson
laughed stridently. The real man emerging, he came
over quickly on another wave.
“You not only get to know Germans, crowds of
them, on the sly; you make your bosom friend of
them, engage yourself to them in marriage and make
Heaven knows how many more solemn pacts, covenants,
and agreements.—It’s bound all to come out
some day. What will you do then?”
Tarr was recovering gracefully from his relapse
into discomfort. If ever taken off his guard, he
made a clever use immediately afterwards of his
naïveté. He beamed on his slip. He would swallow
it tranquilly, assimilating it, with ostentation, to
himself. When some personal weakness slipped out
he would pick it up unabashed, look at it smilingly,
and put it back in his pocket.
“As you know,” he soon replied, “‘engagement’
is an euphemism. And, as a matter of fact, my girl
publicly announced the breaking off of our engagement
yesterday.”
He looked a complete child, head thrown up as
though proclaiming something he had reason to be
particularly proud of.—Hobson laughed convulsively,
cracking his yellow fingers.
“Yes, it is funny, if you look at it in that way.—I
let her announce our engagement or the reverse just
as she likes. That has been our arrangement from
the start. I never know at any given time whether
I am engaged or not. I leave all that sort of thing
entirely in her hands. After a severe quarrel I am
pretty certain that I am temporarily unattached, the
link publicly severed somewhere or other.”
“Possibly that is what is meant by ‘official
fiancé’?”
“Very likely.”
He had been hustled—through his vanity, the
Cairo Cantabian thought—somewhere where the time
could be passed. He did not hesitate to handle
Tarr’s curiosities.—It is a graceful compliment to
offer the nectar of some ulcer to your neighbour. The
modern man understands his udders and taps.—With
an obscene heroism Tarr displayed his. His
companion wrenched at it with malice. Tarr pulled
a wry face once or twice at the other’s sans gêne.
But he was proud of what he could stand. He had
a hazy image of a shrewd old countryman in contact
with the sharpness of the town. He would not shrink.
He would roughly outstrip his visitor.—“Ay, I have
this the matter with me—a funny complaint?—and
that, and that, too.—What then?—Do you want
me to race you to that hill?”
He obtruded complacently all he had most to be
ashamed of, conscious of the power of an obsessing
weakness.
“Will you go so far in this clandestine life of yours
as to marry anybody?” Hobson proceeded.
“No.”
Hobson stared with bright meditative sweetness
down the boulevard.
“I think there must be a great difference between
your way of approaching Germans and mine,” he said.
“Ay: it is different things that takes us respectively
amongst them.”
“You like the national flavour, all the same.”
“I like the national flavour!”—Tarr had a way
of beginning a reply with a parrot-like echo of the
words of the other party to the dialogue; also of
repeating sotto voce one of his own sentences, a
mechanical rattle following on without stop. “Sex
is nationalized more than any other essential of
life. In this it is just the opposite to art.—There
is much pork and philosophy in German sex.—But
then if it is the sex you are after, it does not say you
want to identify your being with your appetite.
Quite the opposite. The condition of continued
enjoyment is to resist assimilation.—A man is the
opposite of his appetite.”
“Surely, a man is his appetite.”
“No, a man is always his last appetite, or his
appetite before last; and that is no longer an appetite.—But
nobody is anything, or life would be
intolerable, the human race collapse.—You are me,
I am you.—The Present is the furthest projection
of our steady appetite. Imagination, like a general,
keeps behind. Imagination is the man.”
“What is the Present?” Hobson asked politely,
with much aspirating, sitting up a little and slightly
offering his ear.
But Tarr only repeated things arbitrarily. He
proceeded:
“Sex is a monstrosity. It is the arch abortion of
this filthy universe.—How ‘old-fashioned!’—eh, my
fashionable friend?—We are all optimists to-day,
aren’t we? God’s in his Heaven, all’s well with the
world! I am a pessimist, Hobson. But I’m a
new sort of pessimist.—I think I am the sort that
will please!—I am the Panurgic-Pessimist, drunken
with the laughing-gas of the Abyss. I gaze on
squalor and idiocy, and the more I see it, the more
I like it.—Flaubert built up his Bouvard et Pécuchet
with maniacal and tireless hands. It took him ten
years. That was a long draught of stodgy laughter
from the gases that rise from the dung-heap? He
had an appetite like an elephant for this form of
mirth. But he grumbled and sighed over his food.—I
take it in my arms and bury my face in it!”
As Tarr’s temperament spread its wings, whirling
him menacingly and mockingly above Hobson’s
head, the Cantab philosopher did not think it necessary
to reply.—He was not winged himself.—He
watched Tarr looping the loop above him. He was
a drole bird! He wondered, as he watched him, if
he was a sound bird, or homme-oiseau. People
believed in him. His Exhibition flights attracted
attention. What sort of prizes could he expect to
win by his professional talents? Would this notable
ambitieux be satisfied?
The childish sport proceeded, with serious intervals.
“I bury my face in it!”—(He buried his face in
it!!)—“I laugh hoarsely through its thickness,
choking and spitting; coughing, sneezing, blowing.—People
will begin to think I am an alligator if they
see me always swimming in their daily ooze. As
far as sex is concerned, I am that. Sex, Hobson, is a
German study. A German study.” He shook his
head in a dejected, drunken way, protruding his lips.
He seemed to find analogies for his repeating habits,
with the digestion.—“All the same, you must take
my word for much in that connexion.—The choice of
a wife is not practical in the way that the securing of
a good bicycle, hygiene, or advertisement is. You
must think more of the dishes of the table. Rembrandt
paints decrepit old Jews, the most decayed
specimens of the lowest race on earth, that is. Shakespeare
deals in human tubs of grease—Falstaff;
Christ in sinners. Now as to sex; Socrates married
a shrew; most of the wisest men marry fools, picture
post cards, cows, or strumpets.”
“I don’t think that is quite true.” Hobson resurrected
himself dutifully. “The more sensible people
I can think of off-hand have more sensible, and on
the whole prettier, wives than other people.”
“Prettier wives?—You are describing a meaningless
average.—The most suspicious fact about a
distinguished man is the possession of a distinguished
wife. But you might just as well say in answer
to my Art statement that Sir Edward Leighton did
not paint the decayed meat of humanity.”
Hobson surged up a little in his chair and collapsed.—He
had to appeal to his body to sustain the
argument.
“Neither did Raphael—I don’t see why you should
drag Rembrandt in—Rembrandt⸺”
“You’re going to sniff at Rembrandt!—You accuse
me of following the fashions in my liking for Cubism.
You are much more fashionable yourself. Would you
mind my ‘dragging in’ cheese, high game⸺?”
Hobson allowed cheeses with a rather drawn expression.
But he did not see what that had to do
with it, either.
“It is not purely a question of appetite,” he said.
“Sex, sir, is purely a question of appetite!” Tarr
replied.
Hobson inclined himself mincingly, with a sweet
chuckle.
“If it is pure sex, that is,” Tarr added.
“Oh, if it is pure sex—that, naturally⸺” Hobson
convulsed himself and crowed thrice.
“Listen, Hobson!—You mustn’t make that noise.
It’s very clever of you to be able to. But you will
not succeed in rattling me by making me feel I am
addressing a rooster⸺”
Hobson let himself go in whoops and caws, as
though Tarr had been pressing him to perform.
When he had finished, Tarr said:
“Are you willing to consider sex seriously, or not?”
“Yes, I don’t mind.”—Hobson settled down, his
face flushed from his late display.—“But I shall
begin to believe before very long that your intentions
are honourable as regards the fair Fräulein.—What
exactly is your discourse intended to prove?”
“Not the desirability of the marriage tie, any more
than a propaganda for representation and anecdote
in art. But if a man marries, or a great painter
represents (and the claims and seductions of life are
very urgent), he will not be governed in his choice
by the same laws that regulate the life of an efficient
citizen, a successful merchant, or the ideals of a
health expert.”
“I should have said that the considerations that
precede a proposition of marriage had many analogies
with the health expert’s outlook, the good
citizen’s⸺”
“Was Napoleon successful in life, or did he ruin
himself and end his days in miserable captivity?—Passion
precludes the idea of success. Failure is its
condition.—Art and Sex when they are deep enough
make tragedies, and not advertisements for Health
experts, or happy endings for the Public, or social
panaceas.”
“Alas, that is true.”
“Well, then, well, then, Alan Hobson, you scarecrow
of an advanced fool-farm, deplorable pedant of
a sophistic voice-culture⸺”
“I? My voice—? But that’s absurd!—If my
speech⸺”
Hobson was up in arms about his voice: although
it was not his.
Tarr needed a grimacing, tumultuous mask for the
face he had to cover.—The clown was the only rôle
that was ample enough. He had compared his
clowning with Hobson’s Pierrotesque and French
variety.
But Hobson, he considered, was a crowd.—You
could not say he was an individual.—He was a set.
He sat there, a cultivated audience.—He had the
aplomb and absence of self-consciousness of numbers,
of the herd—of those who know they are not alone.—Tarr
was shy and the reverse by turns. He was alone.
The individual is rustic.
For distinguishing feature Hobson possessed a
distinguished absence of personality.
Tarr gazed on this impersonality, of crowd origin,
with autocratic scorn.
Alan Hobson was a humble investor.
“But we’re talking at cross purposes, Hobson.—You
think I am contending that affection for a dolt,
like my fiancée, is in some way a merit. I do not
mean that. Also, I do not mean that sex is my
tragedy, but art.—I will explain why I am associated
sexually with this pumpkin. First, I am an artist.—With
most people, not describable as artists, all the
finer part of their vitality goes into sex. They
become third-rate poets during their courtship. All
their instincts of drama come out freshly with their
wives. The artist is he in whom this emotionality
normally absorbed by sex is so strong that it claims a
newer and more exclusive field of deployment.—Its
first creation is the Artist himself, a new sort of person;
the creative man. But for the first-rate poet, nothing
short of a Queen or a Chimera is adequate for the
powers of his praise.—And so on all through the
bunch of his gifts. One by one his powers and moyens
are turned away from the usual object of a man’s
poetry, and turned away from the immediate world.
One solitary thing is left facing a woman.—That
is his sex, a lonely phallus.—Things are not quite so
simple in actual fact as this. Some artists are less
complete than others. More or less remains to the
man.—Then the character of the artist’s creation
comes in. What tendency has my work as an artist,
a ready instance? You may have noticed that it has
that of an invariable severity. Apart from its being
good or bad, its character is ascetic rather than
sensuous, and divorced from immediate life. There
is no slop of sex in that. But there is no severity left
over for the work of the cruder senses either. Very
often with an artist whose work is very sensuous or
human, his sex instinct, if it is active, will be more
discriminating than with a man more fastidious and
discriminating than he in his work. To sum up this
part of my disclosure.—No one could have a coarser,
more foolish, slovenly taste than I have in women.
It is not even sluttish and abject, of the J. W. M.
Turner type, with his washerwoman at Gravesend.—It
is bourgeois, banal, pretty-pretty, a cross between
the Musical Comedy stage and the ideal of the
Eighteenth-Century gallant. All the delicate psychology
another man naturally seeks in a woman, the
curiosity of form, windows on other lives, love and
passion, I seek in my work and not elsewhere.—Form
would perhaps be thickened by child-bearing; it
would perhaps be damaged by harlotry.—Why should
sex still be active? That is a matter of heredity
that has nothing to do with the general energies of the
mind. I see I am boring you.—The matter is too
remote!—But you have trespassed here, and you
must listen.—I cannot let you off before you have
heard, and shown that you understand.—If you do
not sit and listen, I will write it all to you. You
will be made to hear it!—And after I have told
you this, I will tell you why I am talking to a fool
like you!”
“You ask me to be polite⸺”
“I don’t mind how impolite you are so long as
you listen.”
“Well, I am listening—with interest.”
Tarr was tearing, as he saw it, at the blankets that
swaddled this spirit in its inner snobberies.—A bitter
feast was steaming hot, and a mouth must be found
to eat it. This beggar’s had to serve. It was, above
all, an ear, all the nerves complete. He must get
his words into it. They must not be swallowed at
a gulp. They must taste, sting, and benefit by the
meaning of an appetite.—He had something to say.
It must be said while it was living. Once it was said,
it could look after itself.—Hobson had shocked something
that was ready to burst out. He must help
it out. Hobson must pay as well for the intimacy.
He must pay Bertha Lunken afterwards.
He felt like insisting that he should come round
and apologize to her.
“A man only goes and confesses his faults to the
world when his self will not acknowledge or listen to
them. The function of a friend is to be a substitute
for this defective self, to be the World and the Real
without the disastrous consequences of reality.—Yet
punishment is one of his chief offices.—The friend
enlarges also substantially the boundaries of our
solitude.”
This was written in Tarr’s diary. He was now
chastising this self he wrote of for not listening, by
telling the first stranger met.—Had a friend been
there he could have interceded for his ego.
“You have followed so far?” Tarr looked with
slow disdainful suspicion at Hobson’s face staring at
the ground. “You have understood the nature of
my secret?—Half of myself I have to hide. I am
bitterly ashamed of a slovenly, common portion of
my life that has been isolated and repudiated by the
energies I am so proud of. ‘I am ashamed of the
number of Germans I know,’ as you put it.—I have
in that rôle to cower and slink away even from an
old fruit-tin like you. It is useless heroically to
protect that section of my life. It’s no good sticking
up for it. It is not worth protecting. It is not even
up to your standards. I have, therefore, to deliver
it over to your eyes, and eyes of the likes of you,
in the end—if you will deign to use them!—I even
have to beg you to use your eyes; to hold you by
the sleeve and crave a glance for an object belonging
to me!
“In this compartment of my life I have not a vestige
of passion.—That is the root reason for its meanness
and absurdity.—The best friend of my Dr. Jekyll
would not know my Mr. Hyde, and vice versa. This
rudimentary self is more starved and stupid than
any other man’s. Or to put it less or more humbly,
I am of that company who are reduced to looking
to Socrates for a consoling lead.
“Think of all the collages, marriages, and liaisons
that you know, in which some frowsy or foolish or
doll-like or log-like bitch accompanies the form of
an otherwise sensible man: a dumbfounding, disgusting,
and septic ghost!
“How foul and wrong this haunting of women is!—They
are everywhere!—Confusing, blurring, libelling,
with their half-baked, gushing, tawdry presences!
It is like a slop of children and the bawling machinery
of the inside of life, always and all over our palaces.
Their silly food of cheap illusion comes in between
friendships, stagnates complacently around a softened
mind.
“I might almost take some credit to myself for
at least having the grace to keep this bear-garden in
the background.”
Hobson had brightened up while this was proceeding.—He
now said:
“You might almost.—Why don’t you? I admire
what you tell me. But you appear to take your
German foibles too much to heart.”
“Just at present I am engaged in a gala of the
heart. You may have noticed that.—I am not a
strict landlord with the various personalities gathered
beneath my roof.—In the present case I am really
blessed. But you should see the sluts that get in
sometimes! They all become steadily my fiancée
too.—Fiancée! Observe how one apes the forms of
conventional life. It does not mean anything, so
one lets it stop. Its the same with the café fools
I have for friends—there’s a Greek fool, a German
fool, a Russian fool,—an English fool!—There are
no ‘friends’ in this life any more than there are
‘fiancées.’ So it doesn’t matter. You drift on side
by side with this live stock—friends, fiancées, ‘colleagues,’
and what not.”
Hobson sat staring with a bemused seriousness at
the ground.
“Why should I not speak plainly and cruelly of
my poor, ridiculous fiancée to you or any one?—After
all, it is chiefly myself I am castigating.—But you,
too, must be of the party! The right to see implies
the right to be seen. As an offset for your prying,
scurvy way of peeping into my affairs you must
offer your own guts, such as they are⸺!”
“How have I pried into your affairs?” Hobson
asked with a circumspect surprise.
“Any one who stands outside, who hides himself
in a deliquescent aloofness, is a sneak and a spy⸺”
“That seems to me to be a case of smut calling the
kettle black. I should not have said that you were
conspicuous⸺”
“No.—You know you have joined yourself to
those who hush their voices to hear what other
people are saying!—Every one who does not fight
openly and bear his share of the common burden of
ignominy in life, is a sneak, unless it is for a solid
motive.—The quiet you claim is not to work in.—What
have you exchanged your temper, your freedom,
and your fine voice against? You have exchanged
them for an old hat that does not belong to you, and
a shabbiness you have not merited by suffering
neediness.—Your pseudo-neediness is a sentimental
indulgence.—Every man should be forced to dress
up to his income, and make a smart, fresh appearance.—Patching
the seat of your trousers, instead⸺!”
“Wait a minute,” Hobson said, with a laugh. “You
accuse me of sentimentality in my choice of costume.
I wonder if you are as free from sentimentality.”
“I don’t care a tinker’s blue curse about that.—I
am talking about you.—Let me proceed.—With
your training, you are decked in the plumes of
very fine birds indeed. But your plumes are not
meant to fly with, but merely to slouch and skip
along the surface of the earth.—You wear the livery
of a ridiculous set, you are a cunning and sleek
domestic. No thought can come out of your head
before it has slipped on its uniform. All your
instincts are drugged with a malicious languor, an
arm, a respectability, invented by a set of old women
and mean, cadaverous little boys.”
Hobson opened his mouth, had a movement of the
body to speak. But he relapsed.
“You reply, ‘What is all this fuss about? I
have done the best for myself.—I was not suited for
any heroic station, like yours. I live sensibly and
quietly, cultivating my vegetable ideas, and also my
roses and Victorian lilies.—I do no harm to anybody.’”
“That is not quite the case. That is a little inexact.
Your proceedings possess a herdesque astuteness; in
the scale against the individual weighing less than the
Yellow Press, yet being a closer and meaner attack.
Also you are essentially spies, in a scurvy, safe and well-paid
service, as I told you before. You are disguised to
look like the thing it is your function to betray—What is
your position?—You have bought for eight hundred
pounds at an aristocratic educational establishment a
complete mental outfit, a programme of manners.
For four years you trained with other recruits. You
are now a perfectly disciplined social unit, with a profound
esprit de corps. The Cambridge set that you
represent is as observed in an average specimen, a
cross between a Quaker, a Pederast, and a Chelsea
artist.—Your Oxford brothers, dating from the Wilde
decade, are a stronger body. The Chelsea artists are
much less flimsy. The Quakers are powerful rascals.
You represent, my Hobson, the dregs of Anglo-Saxon
civilization!—There is nothing softer on
earth.—Your flabby potion is a mixture of the
lees of Liberalism, the poor froth blown off the
decadent nineties, the wardrobe—leavings of a vulgar
Bohemianism with its head-quarters in Chelsea!
“You are concentrated, systematic slop.—There
is nothing in the universe to be said for you.—Any
efficient State would confiscate your property, burn
your wardrobe, that old hat, and the rest, as infecte
and insanitary, and prohibit you from propagating.”
Tarr’s white collar shone dazzlingly in the sun.—His
bowler hat bobbed and out clean lines as he
spoke.
“A breed of mild pervasive cabbages has set up
a wide and creeping rot in the West of Europe.—They
make it indirectly a peril and tribulation for
live things to remain in the neighbourhood. You are
systematizing and vulgarizing the individual.—You
are not an individual. You have, I repeat, no right
to that hair and that hat. You are trying to have
the apple and eat it too.—You should be in uniform,
and at work, not uniformly out of uniform, and
libelling the Artist by your idleness. Are you idle?”
Tarr had drawn up short, turned squarely on
Hobson; in an abrupt and disconnected voice he
asked his question.
Hobson stirred resentfully in his chair. He yawned
a little. He replied:
“Am I idle, did you say? Yes, I suppose I am
not particularly industrious. But how does that
affect you? You know you don’t mean all that
nonsense. Vous vous moquez de moi! Where are
you coming to?”
“I have explained already where I come in. It
is stupid to be idle. You go to seed.—The only
justification for your slovenly appearance, it is true,
is that it is ideally emblematic.”
“My dear Tarr, you’re a strange fellow. I can’t
see why these things should occupy you.—You have
just told me a lot of things that may be true or may
not. But at the end of them all—? Et alors?—alors?—quoi?
one asks. You contradict yourself.
You know you don’t think what you talk. You
deafen me with your upside-downness.”
He gesticulated, got the French guttural r with
satisfaction, and said the quoi rather briskly.
“In any case my hat is my business!” he concluded
quickly, after a moment, getting up with a
curling, luscious laugh.
The garçon hurried up and they paid.
“No, I am responsible for you.—I am one of the
only people who see. That is a responsibility.”—Tarr
walked down the boulevard with him, speaking
in his ear almost, and treading on his toes.
“You know Baudelaire’s fable of the obsequious
vagabond, cringing for alms? For all reply, the poet
seizes a heavy stick and belabours the beggar with
it. The beggar then, when he is almost beaten to
a pulp, suddenly straightens out beneath the blows;
expands, stretches; his eyes dart fire! He rises up
and falls on the poet tooth and nail. In a few
seconds he has laid him out flat, and is just going
to finish him off, when an agent arrives.—The
poet is enchanted. He has accomplished something!
“Would it be possible to achieve a work of that
description with you? No. You are meaner-spirited
than the most abject tramp. I would seize you by
the throat at once if I thought you would black my
eye. But I feel it my duty at least to do this for
your hat. Your hat, at least, will have had its little
drama to-day.”
Tarr knocked his hat off into the road.—Without
troubling to wait for the results of this action, he
hurried away down the Boulevard du Paradis.
A great many of Frederick Tarr’s resolutions came
from his conversation. It was a tribunal to which
he brought his hesitations. An active and hustling
spirit presided over this section of his life.
Civilized men have for conversation something of
the superstitious feeling that ignorant men have for
the written or the printed word.
Hobson had attracted a great deal of steam to
himself. Tarr was unsatisfied.—He rushed away
from the Café Berne still strong and with much more
to say. He rushed towards Bertha to say it.
A third of the way he came on a friend who should
have been met before Hobson. Then Bertha and he
could have been spared.
Butcher was a bloody wastrel enamoured of gold
and liberty.—He was a romantic, educating his
schoolboyish sense of adventure up to the pitch of
drama. He had been induced by Tarr to develop
an interest in commerce. He had started a motor
business in Paris, and through circularizing the
Americans resident there and using his English
connexions, he was succeeding on the lines suggested.
Tarr had argued that an interest of this sort would
prevent him from becoming arty and silly.—Tarr
would have driven his entire circle of acquaintances
into commerce if he could. He had at first cherished
the ambition of getting Hobson into a bank in South
Africa.
As he rushed along then a gaunt car met him,
rushing in the opposite direction. Butcher’s large
red nose stood under a check cap phenomenally
peaked. A sweater and Yankee jacket exaggerated
his breadth. He was sunk in horizontal massiveness
in the car—almost in the road. A quizzing, heavy
smile broke his face open in an indifferent businesslike
way. It was a sour smile, as though half his
face were frozen with cocaine.—He pulled up with
the air of an Iron-Age mechanic, born among beds
of embryonic machinery.
“Ah, I thought I might see you.”—He rolled over
the edge and stood grinning and stretching in front
of his friend.
“Where are you off to?” Tarr asked.
“I heard there were some gypsies encamped over
by Charenton.”—He smiled and waited, his entire
face breaking up expectantly into cunning pits and
traps.—Mention of “gypsies” usually drew Tarr.
They were a survival of Butcher’s pre-motor days.
“Neglecting business?” was all Tarr said however.
“Have you time for a drink?”
“Yes!” Butcher turned with an airy jerk to
his car. “Shall we go to the Panthéon?”
“How about the Univers? Would that take
long?”
“The Univers? Four or five minutes.—Jump
in.”
When they had got to the Univers and ordered
their drink, Tarr said:
“I’ve just been talking to Alan Hobson. I’ve
been telling him off.”
“That’s right.—How had he deserved it?”
“Oh, he happened to drop on me when I was
thinking about my girl. He began congratulating
me on my engagement. So I gave him my views
on marriage, and then wound up with a little improvisation
about himself.”
Butcher maintained a decorous silence, drinking
his beer.
“You’re not engaged to be married, are you?”
he asked.
“Well, that’s a difficult question.”—Tarr laughed
with circumspection and softness. “I don’t know
whether I am or whether I’m not.”
“Would it be the German girl, if you were?”
“Yes, she’d be the one.”
There was a careful absence of comment in Butcher’s
face.
“Ought I to marry the Lunken?”
“No,” Butcher said with measure.
“In that case I ought to tell her at once.”
“That is so.”
Tarr had a dark morning coat, whose tails flowed
behind him as he walked strongly and quickly along,
and curled on either side of his hips as he sat. It
was buttoned half-way down the body.—He was
taller than Butcher, wore glasses, had a dark skin,
and a steady, unamiable, impatient expression. He
was clean-shaven, with a shallow, square jaw and
straight, thick mouth.—His hands were square and
usually hot.
He impressed you as having inherited himself last
week, and as under a great press of business to grasp
the details and resources of the concern. Not very
much satisfaction at his inheritance, and no swank.
Great capacity was printed all over him.—He did
not appear to have been modified as yet by any
sedentary, sentimental, or other discipline or habit.
He was at his first push in an ardent and exotic
world, with a good fund of passion from a frigid
climate of his own.—His mistakes he talked over
without embarrassment. He felt them deeply. He
was experimental and modest.
A rude and hard infancy, according to Balzac, is
best for development of character. A child learns
duplicity, and hardens in defence.—An enervating
childhood of molly-coddling, on the other hand, such
as Tarr’s, has its advantages.—He was an only child
of a selfish, vigorous mother. The long foundation
of delicate trustfulness and childishness makes for
a store of illusion to prolong youth and health beyond
the usual term. Tarr, with the Balzac upbringing,
would have had a little too much character, like a
rather too muscular man. As it was, he was a shade
too nervous. But his confidence in the backing of
character was unparalleled. You would have thought
he had an iron-field behind him.
When he solicited advice, it was transparently a
matter of form. But he appeared to need his own
advice to come from himself in public.—Did he feel
himself of more importance in public?—His relation
to the world was definite and complementary. He
preferred his own word to come out of the air; when,
that is, issuing from his mouth, it entered either ear
as an independent vibration. He was the kind of
man who, if he ever should wish to influence the
world, would do it so that he might touch himself
more plastically through others. He would paint
his picture for himself. He was capable of respect
for his self-projection. It had the authority of a
stranger for him.
Butcher knew that his advice was not really
solicited.—This he found rather annoying, as he
wanted to meddle. But his opportunity would come.—Tarr’s
affairs with Bertha Lunken were very
exasperating. Of all the drab, dull, and disproportionately
long liaisons, that one was unique! He had
accepted it as an incomprehensible and silly joke.
“She’s a very good sort. You know, she is
phenomenally kind. It’s not quite so absurd as you
think, my question as to whether I should marry
her. Her love is quite beyond question.”
Butcher listened with a slight rolling of the eyes,
which was a soft equivalent for grinding his teeth.
Tarr proceeded:
“She has a nice healthy penchant for self-immolation;
not, unfortunately, directed by any considerable
tact or discretion. She is apt to lie down on
the altar at the wrong moment—even to mistake all
sorts of unrelated things for altars. She once lay
down on the pavement of the Boulevard Sebastopol,
and continued to lie there heroically till, with the
help of an agent, I bundled her into a cab. She
is genial and fond of a gross pleasantry, very near
to ‘the people’—le peuple, as she says, purringly and
pityingly. All individuals who have class marked
on them strongly resemble each other. A typical
duchess is much more like a typical nurserymaid
than she is like anybody not standardized to the same
extent. So is Bertha, a bourgeoise, or rather bourgeois-Bohemian,
reminiscent of the popular maiden.”
Tarr relighted his cigarette.
“She is full of good sense.—She is a high standard
Aryan female, in good condition, superbly made;
of the succulent, obedient, clear, peasant type. It
is natural that in my healthy youth, living in these
Bohemian wastes, I should catch fire. But that is
not the whole of the picture. She is unfortunately
not a peasant. She has German culture, and a
florid philosophy of love.—She is an art-student.—She
is absurd.”
Tarr struck a match for his cigarette.
“You would ask then how it is that I am still
there? The peasant-girl—if such it were—would
not hold you for ever; even less so the spoiled
peasant.—But that’s where the mischief lies.—That
bourgeois, spoiled, ridiculous element was the trap.
I was innocently depraved enough to find it irresistible.
It had the charm of a vulgar wall-paper,
a gimcrack ornament. A cosy banality set in the
midst of a rough life. Youthful exoticism has done
it, the something different from oneself.”
Butcher did not roll his eyes any more. They
looked rather moist. He was thinking of love and
absurdities that had checkered his own past, and
was regretting a downy doll. He was won over
besides by Tarr’s plaidoirie, as he always was. His
friend could have convinced him of anything on
earth within ten minutes.
Tarr, noticing the effect of his words, laughed.
Butcher was like a dog, with his rheumy eyes.
“My romance, you see, is exactly inverse to yours,”
Tarr proceeded. “But pure unadulterated romanticism
with me is in about the same rudimentary state
as sex. So they had perhaps better keep together?
I only allow myself to philander with little things.
I have succeeded in shunting our noxious illusionism
away from the great spaces and ambitions. I have
billeted it with a bourgeoise in a villa. These things
are all arranged above our heads. They are no doubt
self-protective. The whole of a man’s ninety-nine
per cent. of obscurer mechanism is daily engaged in
organizing his life in accordance with his deepest
necessity. Each person boasts some notable invention
of personal application only.
“So there I am fixed with my bourgeoise in my
skin, dans ma peau. What is the next step?—The
body is the main thing.—But I think I have made
a discovery. In sex I am romantic and arriéré.
It would be healthier for all sex to be so. But that
is another matter. Well, I cannot see myself attracted
by an exceptional woman—‘spiritual’ woman—‘noble
soul,’ or even a particularly refined and witty
animal.—I do not understand attraction for such
beings.—Their existence appears to me quite natural
and proper, but, not being as fine as men; not being
as fine as pictures or poems; not being as fine as
housewives or classical Mothers of Men; they appear
to me to occupy an unfortunate position on this
earth. No man properly demarcated as I am will
have much to do with them. They are very beautiful
to look at. But they are unfortunately alive, and
usually cats. If you married one of them, out of
pity, you would have to support the eternal grin
of a Gioconda fixed complacently on you at all hours
of the day, the pretensions of a piece of canvas that
had sold for thirty thousand pounds. You could
not put your foot through the canvas without being
hanged. You would not be able to sell it yourself
for that figure, and so get some little compensation.
Tout au plus, if the sentimental grin would not
otherwise come off, you could break its jaw, perhaps.”
Butcher flung his head up, and laughed affectedly.
“Ha ha!”—he went again.
“Very good!—Very good!—I know who you’re
thinking of,” he said.
“Do you? Oh, the ‘Gioconda smile,’ you mean?—Yes.—In
that instance, the man had only his
silly sentimental self to blame. He has paid the
biggest price given in our time for a living masterpiece.
Sentimentalizing about masterpieces and
sentimental prices will soon have seen their day, I
expect. New masterpieces in painting will then
appear again, perhaps, where the live ones leagued
with the old dead ones disappear.—Really, the more
one considers it, the more creditable and excellent
my self-organization appears. I have a great deal
to congratulate myself upon.”
Butcher blinked and pulled himself together with
a grave dissatisfied expression.
“But will you carry it into effect to the extent?—Will
you?—Would marriage be the ideal termination?”—Butcher
had a way of tearing up and
beginning all over again on a new breath.
“That is what Hobson asked.—No, I don’t think
marriage has anything to do with it. That is another
question altogether.”
“I thought your remarks about the housewife
suggested⸺”
“No.—My relation to the idea of the housewife
is platonic. I am attracted to the housewife as I
might be attracted to the milliner. But just as I
should not necessarily employ the latter to make
hats—I should have some other use for her—so my
connexion with the other need not imply a ménage.
But my present difficulty centres round that question:
“What am I to do with Fräulein Lunken?”
Butcher drew himself up, and hiccuped solemnly
and slowly.
He did not reply.
“Once again, is marriage out of the question?”
Tarr asked.
“You know yourself best. I don’t think you
ought to marry.”
“Why, am I⸺?”
“No. You wouldn’t stop with her. So why
marry?”
He hiccuped again, and blinked.
Tarr gazed at his oracle with curiosity.—With eyes
glassily bloodshot, it discharged its wisdom on gusts
of air. Butcher was always surly about women, or
rather men’s tenderness for them. He was a vindictive
enemy of the sex. He stood, a patient constable,
forbidding Tarr respectfully a certain road. He
spoke with authority and shortness, and hiccuped
to convey the absolute and assured quality of his
refusal.
“Well, in that case,” Tarr said, “I must make
a move. I have treated Bertha very badly.”
Butcher smothered a hiccup.—He ordered another
drink.
“Yes, I owe my girl anything I can give her. It
is hardly my fault. With the training you get in
England, how can you be expected to realize anything?
The University of Humour that prevails
everywhere in England as the national institution
for developing youth, provides you with nothing
but a first-rate means of evading reality. The whole
of English training—the great fundamental spirit of
the country—is a system of deadening feeling, a
prescription for Stoicism. Many of the results are
excellent. It saves us from gush in many cases;
it is an excellent armour in times of crisis or misfortune.
The English soldier gets his special cachet
from it. But for the sake of this wonderful panacea—English
humour—we sacrifice much. It would be
better to face our Imagination and our nerves without
this soporific. Once this armature breaks down, the
man underneath is found in many cases to have
become softened by it. He is subject to shock, oversensitiveness,
and many ailments not met with in
the more frank and direct races. Their superficial
sensitiveness allows of a harder core.—To set against
this, of course, you have the immense reserves of
delicacy, touchiness, sympathy, that this envelope
of cynicism has accumulated. It has served English
art marvellously. But it is probably more useful for
art than for practical affairs. And the artist could
always look after himself. Anyhow, the time seems
to have arrived in my life, as I consider it has arrived
in the life of the country, to discard this husk and
armour. Life must be met on other terms than
those of fun and sport.”
Butcher guffawed provocatively. Tarr joined him.
They both quaffed their beer.
“You’re a terrible fellow,” said Butcher. “If
you had your way, you’d leave us stark naked. We
should all be standing on our little island in the
savage state of the Ancient Britons—figuratively.”
He hiccuped.
“Yes, figuratively. But in reality the country
would be armed better than it ever had been before.
And by the sacrifice of these famous ‘national characteristics’
we cling to sentimentally, and which are
merely the accident of a time, we should lay a soil
and foundation of unspecific force, on which new
and realler ‘national flavours’ would very soon
sprout.”
“I quite agree,” Butcher jerked out energetically.
He ordered another lager.
“I agree with what you say. If we don’t give
up dreaming, we shall get spanked. I have given
up my gypsies. That was very public-spirited of
me?” He looked coaxingly.
“If every one would give up their gypsies, their
jokes, and their gentlemen—‘Gentlemen’ are
worse than gypsies. It would do perhaps if they
reduced them considerably, as you have your Gitanos.—I’m
going to swear off humour for a year. I am
going to gaze on even you inhumanly. All my mock
matrimonial difficulties come from humour. I am
going to gaze on Bertha inhumanly, and not humorously.
Humour paralyses the sense for reality and
wraps people in a phlegmatic and hysterical dream-world,
full of the delicious swirls of the switchback,
the drunkenness of the merry-go-round—screaming
leaps from idea to idea. My little weapon for bringing
my man to earth—shot-gun or what not—gave
me good sport, too, and was of the best workmanship.
I carried it slung jauntily for some time at my side—you
may have noticed it. But I am in the tedious
position of the man who hits the bull’s-eye every
time. Had I not been disproportionately occupied
with her absurdities, I should not have allowed this
charming girl to engage herself to me.
“My first practical step now will be to take this
question of ‘engaging’ myself or not into my own
hands. I shall disengage myself on the spot.”
“So long as you don’t engage yourself again next
minute, and so on. If I felt that the time was not
quite ripe, I’d leave it in Fräulein Lunken’s hands
a little longer. I expect she does it better than you
would.”
Butcher filled his pipe, then he began laughing.
He laughed theatrically until Tarr stopped him.
“What are you laughing at?”
“You are a nut! Ha! ha! ha!”
“How am I a nut? You must be thinking about
your old machine out there.”
Butcher composed himself—theatrically.
“I was laughing at you. You repent of your
thoughtlessness, and all that. Your next step is to
put it right. I was laughing at the way you go about it.
You now proceed kindly but firmly to break off your
engagement and discard the girl. That is very neat.”
“Do you think so? Well, perhaps it is a trifle
over-tidy. I hadn’t looked at it in that way.”
“You can’t be too tidy,” Butcher said dogmatically.
He talked to Tarr, when a little worked up,
as Tarr talked to him. He didn’t notice that he did.
It was partly câlinerie and flattery.
Tarr pulled out a very heavy and determined-looking
watch. He would have suffered had he been
compelled to use a small watch. For the time to be
microscopic and noiseless would be unbearable. The
time must be human. That he insisted on. And it
must not be pretty or neat.
“It is late. I must go. Must you get back to
Passy or can you stop?”
“Do you know, I’m afraid I must get back. I
have to lunch with a fellow at one, who is putting me
on to a good thing. But can I take you anywhere?
Or are you lunching here?”
“No.—Take me as far as the Samaritaine, will
you?”
Butcher took him along two sides of the Louvre,
to the river.
“Good-bye, then. Don’t forget Saturday, six
o’clock.”
Butcher nodded in bright, clever silence. He
shuffled into his car again, working his shoulders like
a verminous tramp. He rushed away, piercing blasts
from his horn rapidly softening as he became smaller.
Tarr was glad he had brought the car and Butcher
together. They were opposites with some grave
essential in common.
His usual lunch time an hour away, his so far
unrevised programme was to go to the Rue Lhomond
and search for Hobson’s studio. For the length of
a street it was equally the road to the studio and to
Bertha’s rooms. He knew to which he was going.
But a sensation of peculiar freedom and leisure
possessed him. There was no hurry. Was there
any hurry to go where he was going? With a smile
in his mind, his face irresponsible and solemn, he
turned sharply into a narrow street, rendered dangerous
by motor-buses, and asked at a loge if Monsieur
Lowndes were in.
“Monsieur Lounes? Je pense que oui. Je ne
l’ai pas vu sortir.”
He ascended to the fourth floor and rang a bell.
Lowndes was in. He heard him coming on tiptoe
to the door, and felt him gazing at him through an
invisible crack. He placed himself in a favourable
position.
Tarr’s idea of leisure recognized no departure from
the tragic theme of existence. Pleasure could take
no form that did not include Death and corruption—at
present Bertha and humour. Only he wished
to play a little longer. It was the last chance he
might have. Work was in front of him with Bertha.
He was giving up play. But the giving up of
play, even, had to take the form of play. He had
seen in terms of sport so long that he had no other
machinery to work with. Sport might perhaps, for
the fun of the thing, be induced to cast out sport.
As Lowndes crept towards the door, Tarr said to
himself, with ironic self-restraint, “Bloody fool,
bloody fool!”
Lowndes was a brother artist, who was not very
active, but had just enough money to be a Cubist. He
was extremely proud of being interrupted in his work.
His “work” was a serious matter. He found “great
difficulty” in working. He always implied that you
did not. He had a form of persecution mania as
regards his “mornings.” From his discourse you
gathered that he was, first of all, very much sought
after. People, seemingly, were always attempting to
get into his room. You imagined an immense queue
of unwelcome visitors (how or why he had gathered
or originally, it was to be supposed, encouraged, such,
you did not inquire). You never saw this queue.
The only person you definitely knew had been guilty
of interrupting his “work” was Thornton. This
man, because of his admiration for Lowndes’ intelligence
and moth-like attraction for his Cubism, and
respect for his small income, had to suffer much
humiliation. He was to be found (even in the morning,
strange to say) in Lowndes’ studio, rapidly sucking
a pipe, blinking, flushing, stammering with
second-rate Public School mannerisms, retailing
scandal and sensational news, which he had acquired
from a woman who had sat next him at the invariable
dinner-party of the night before.
When you entered, he looked timidly and quickly
at the inexorable Lowndes, and began gathering up
his hat and books. Lowndes’ manner became withering.
You felt that before your arrival, his master
had been less severe; that life might have been
almost bearable for Thornton. When he at last had
taken himself off, Lowndes would hasten to exculpate
himself. “Thornton was a fool, but he could not
always keep Thornton out,” etc. Lowndes, with his
Thornton, displayed the characteristics of the self-made
man. He had risen ambitiously in the sphere
of the Intelligence. Thornton sat like an inhabitant
of the nether world of gossip, pettiness, and squalor
from which his friend had lately issued. He entertained
an immense respect for that friend. This
one of his own kind in a position of respect and
security was what he could best understand, and
would have most desired to be.
“Oh! Come in, Tarr,” Lowndes said, looking at
the floor of the passage, “I didn’t know who it
was.” The atmosphere became thick with ghostlike
intruders. The wretched Thornton seemed to
hover timidly in the background.
“Am I interrupting you?” Tarr asked politely.
“No-o-o!” a long, reassuring, musical negative.
His face was very dark and slick, bald on top,
pettily bearded, rather unnecessarily handsome. Tarr
always felt a tinge of indecency in his good looks.
His Celtic head was allied to a stocky commercial
figure. Behind his spectacles his black eyes had a
way of scouring and scurrying over the floor. They
were often dreamy and burning. He waddled slightly,
or rather confided himself first to one muscular little
calf, then to the other.
Tarr had come to talk to him about Bertha.
“I’m afraid I must have interrupted your work?”
Tarr said with mock ceremony.
“No, it’s all right. I was just going to have a
rest. I’m rather off colour.”
Tarr misunderstood him.
“Off colour? What is the matter with colour
now?”
“No, I mean I’m seedy.”
“Oh, ah. Yes.”
His eyes still fixed on the ground, Lowndes pottered
about, like a dog.
As with most educated people who “do” anything,
and foresee analysis and fame, he was biographically
minded. A poor man, he did his Boswelling
himself. His self-characterization, proceeding
whenever he was not alone, was as follows: “A fussy
and exacting man, slightly avuncular, strangely,
despite the fineness and amplitude of his character,
minute, precious, and tidy.” (In this way he made
a virtue of his fuss.) To show how the general
illusion worked in a particular case: “He had been
disturbed in his ‘work’ by Tarr, or had just emerged
from that state of wonderful concentration he called
‘work.’ He could not at once bend himself to more
general things. His nerves drove him from object
to object. But he would soon be quiet.”
Tarr looked on with an ugly patience.
“Lowndes, I have come to ask you for a little
piece of advice.”
Lowndes was flattered and relished the mystery.
“Ye-es,” he said, smiling, in a slow, ‘sober,’
professional sing-song.
“Or rather, for an opinion. What is your opinion
of German women?”
Lowndes had spent two years in Berlin and Münich.
Many of his friends were Austrian.
“German women? But I must know first why you
ask me that question. You see, it’s a wide subject.”
“A wide subject—wide. Yes, very good! Ha
ha!—Well, it is like this. I think that they are
superior to Englishwomen. That is a very dangerous
opinion to hold, as there are so many German women
knocking about just now.—I want to rid myself of
it.—Can you help me?”
Lowndes mused on the ground. Then he looked
up brightly.
“No, I can’t. Because I share it!”
“Lowndes, I’m surprised at you. I never thought
you were that sort of man!”
“How do you mean?”
“Perhaps you can help me nevertheless. Our
ideas on females may not be the same.”
Tarr always embarrassed him. Lowndes huddled
himself tensely together, worked at his pipe, and met
Tarr’s jokes painfully. He hesitated to sally forth
and drive the joke away.
“What are your ideas on females?” he asked in
a moment.
“Oh, I think they ought to be convex if you are
concave—stupid if you are intelligent, hot if you
are cold, frigid if you are volcanic. Always white
all over, clothes, underclothes, skin and all.—My
ideas do not extend much beyond that.”
Lowndes organized Tarr’s statement, with a view
to an adequate and light reply. He gnawed at his
pipe.
“Well, German women are usually convex. There
are also concave ones. There are cold ones and hot
ones.” He looked up. “It all seems to depend
what you are like!”
“I am cold; inclined to be fat; forte tête; and
swarthy, as you see.”
“In that case, if you took plenty of exercise,”
Lowndes undulated himself as though for the passage
of the large bubbles of chuckle, “I should think that
German women would suit you very well!”
Tarr rose.
“I wish I hadn’t come to see you, Lowndes. Your
answer is disappointing.”
Lowndes got up, disturbed at Tarr’s sign of
departure.
“I’m sorry. But I’m not an authority.” He
leant against the fireplace to arrest Tarr’s withdrawal
for a minute or two. “Are you doing much work?”
“I? No.”
“Are you ever in in the afternoons? I should like
to come round some day⸺”
“I’m just moving into a new studio.”
Lowndes looked suddenly at his watch, with
calculated, ape-like impulsiveness.
“Where are you having lunch? I thought of
going down to Lejeune’s to see if I could come across
a beggar of the name of Kreisler. He could tell you
much more about German women than I can. He’s
a German. Come along, won’t you? Are you doing
anything?”
“No, I know quite enough Germans. Besides, I
must go somewhere—I can’t have lunch just yet.
Good-bye. Thank you for your opinion.”
“Don’t mention it,” Lowndes said softly, his head
turned obliquely to his shoulder, as though he had
a stiff neck, and balancing on his calves.
He was rather wounded, or brusque, by the brevity
of Tarr’s visit. His “morning” had not received
enough respect. It had been treated, in fact, cavalierly.
His “work” had not been directly mentioned.
When Tarr got outside, he stood on the narrow
pavement, looking into a shop window. It was a
florist’s and contained a great variety of flowers. He
was surprised to find that he did not know a single
flower by name. He hung on in front of this shop
before pushing off, as a swimmer does to a rock,
waving his legs. Then he got back into the street
from which his visit to Lowndes had deflected him.
He let himself drift down it. He still had some way
to go before he need decide between the Rue Martine
(where Bertha lived) and the Rue Lhomond.
He had not found resolution in his talks. That
already existed, the fruit of various other conversations
on his matrimonial position—held with the
victim, Fräulein Lunken, herself.
Not to go near Bertha was the negative programme
for that particular day. To keep away was seldom
easy. But ever since his conversation at the Berne
he had been conscious of the absurd easiness of doing
so, if he wished. He had not the least inclination
to go to the Rue Martine!—This sensation was so
grateful that its object shared in its effect. He determined
to go and see her. He wanted to enjoy his
present feeling of indifference. Where best to enjoy
it was no doubt where she was.
As to the studio, he hesitated. A new situation
was created by this new feeling of indifference. Its
duration could not be gauged.—He wished to stay
in Paris just then to finish some paintings begun
some months before. He substituted for the Impressionist’s
necessity to remain in front of the object
being represented, a sensation of the desirability of
finishing a canvas in the place where it was begun.
He had an Impressionist’s horror of change.
So Tarr had evolved a plan. At first sight it was
wicked. It was no blacker than most of his ingenuities.
Bertha, as he had suggested to Butcher,
he had in some lymphatic way, dans la peau. It
appeared a matter of physical discomfort to leave
her altogether. It must be done gradually. So he
had thought that, instead of going away to England,
where the separation might cause him restlessness,
he had perhaps better settle down in her neighbourhood.
Through a series of specially tended ennuis,
he would soon find himself in a position to depart.
So the extreme nearness of the studio to Bertha’s
flat was only another inducement for him to take it.
“If it were next door, so much the better!” he
thought.
Now for this famous feeling of indifference. Was
there anything in it?—The studio for the moment
should be put aside. He would go to see Bertha.
Let this visit solve this question.
The new summer heat drew heavy pleasant ghosts
out of the ground, like plants disappeared in winter;
spectres of energy, bulking the hot air with vigorous
dreams. Or they had entered into the trees, in imitation
of Pagan gods, and nodded their delicate distant
intoxication to him. Visions were released in the
sap, with scented explosion, the spring one bustling
and tremendous reminiscence.
Tarr felt the street was a pleasant current, setting
from some immense and tropic gulf, neighboured by
Floridas of remote invasions. He ambled down it
puissantly, shoulders shaped like these waves; a
heavy-sided drunken fish. The houses, with winks
of the shocked clockwork, were grazed, holding along
their surface thick soft warmth. It poured weakly
into his veins. A big dog wandering on its easily
transposable business, inviting some delightful accident
to deflect it from maudlin and massive promenade.
In his mind, too, as in the dog’s, his business
was doubtful—a small black spot ahead in his brain,
half puzzling but peremptory.
The mat heavy light grey of putty-coloured houses,
like thickening merely of hot summer atmosphere
without sun, gave a spirituality to this deluge of
animal well-being, in weighty pale sense-solidarity.
Through the opaquer atmosphere sounds came lazily
or tinglingly. People had become a Balzacian species,
boldly tragic and comic: like a cast of “Comédie
Humaine” humanity off for the day, Balzac sleeping
immensely in the cemetery.
Tarr stopped at a dairy. He bought saladed
potatoes, a petit suisse. The coolness, as he entered,
felt eerie. The dairyman, in blue-striped smock and
black cap, peaked and cylindrical, came out of an
inner room. Through its glasses several women
were visible, busy at a meal. This man’s isolation
from the heat and mood of the world outside, impressed
his customer as he came forward with a
truculent “Monsieur!” Tarr, while his things were
done up, watched the women. The discreet voices,
severe reserve of keen business preoccupations,
showed the usual Paris commerçante. The white,
black, and slate-grey of dresses, extreme neatness,
silent felt over-slippers, make their commercial
devotions rather conventual. With this purchase—followed
by one of strawberries at a fruiterer’s
opposite—his destination was no longer doubtful.
He was going to Bertha’s to eat his lunch. Hence
the double quantity of saladed potatoes. He skirted
the railings of the Luxembourg Gardens for fifteen
yards. Crossing the road, he entered the Rue
Martine, a bald expanse of uniformly coloured rosy-grey
pavement, plaster, and shutter. A large iron
gate led into a short avenue of trees. At its end
Bertha lived in a three-story house.
The leaden brilliant green of spring foliage hung
above him, ticketing innumerably the trees, sultry
smoke volumes from factories in Fairyland. Its
novelty, fresh yet dead, had the effectiveness of an
unnecessary mirage. The charm of habit and
monotony he had come to affront seemed to have
coloured, chemically, these approaches to its
home.
He found Bertha’s eye fixed on him with a sort of
humorous indifferent query from the window. He
smiled, thinking what would be the veritable answer!
On finding himself in the presence of the object of
his erudite discussion, he felt he had got the focus
wrong. This familiar life, with its ironical eye,
mocked at him too. It was aware of the subject of
his late conversation. The twin of the shrewd
feeling embodied in the observation, “One can never
escape from oneself,” appeared.
This ironical unsurprised eye at the window, so
vaguely apropos, offended him. It seemed to be
making fun of the swaggering indifference he was
bringing to bask in the presence of its object. He
became slightly truculent.
“Have you had lunch yet, my dear?” he asked,
as she opened the door to him. “I’ve brought you
some strawberries.”
“I didn’t expect you, Sorbet. No, I’ve not had
lunch. I was just going to get it.” (Sorbet, or in
English, Sherbert, was his nom d’amour, a perversion
of his name, Sorbert).
Bertha’s was the intellectually fostered Greek type
of German handsomeness. It is that beauty that
makes you wonder, when you meet it, if German
mothers have replicas and photographs of the Venus
of Milo in their rooms during the first three months
of their pregnancy. It is also found in the pages of
Prussian art periodicals, the arid, empty intellectualism
of Münich. She had been a heavy baby.
Her body now, a self-indulgent athlete’s, was strung
to heavy motherhood.
A great believer in tepid “air-baths,” she would
remain, for hours together, in a state of nudity about
her rooms. She was wearing a pale green striped
affair, tight at the waist. It looked as though meant
for a smaller woman. It may have belonged to her
sister. As a result, her ample form had left the
fullness of a score of attitudes all over it, in flat
creasings and pencillings—like the sanguine of an
Italian master in which the leg is drawn in several
positions, one on top of the other.
“What have you come for, Sorbet?”
“To see you. What did you suppose?”
“Oh, you have come to see me?”
“I brought these things. I thought you might be
hungry.”
“Yes, I am rather.” She stopped in the passage,
Dryad-like on one foot, and stared into the kitchen.
Tarr did not kiss her. He put his hand on her hip—a
way out of it—and led her into the room. His
hand remarked that she was underneath in her
favourite state of nakedness.
Bertha went into the kitchen with the provisions.
She lived in two rooms on one side of the front door.
Her friend, Fräulein Goenthner, to whom she sub-let,
lived on the other side of it, the kitchen promiscuously
existing between, and immediately facing the
entrance.
Tarr was in the studio or salon. It was a complete
bourgeois-bohemian interior. Green silk cloth and
cushions of various vegetable and mineral shades
covered everything, in mildewy blight. The cold,
repulsive shades of Islands of the Dead, gigantic
cypresses, grottos of Teutonic nymphs, had invaded
this dwelling. Purple metal and leather steadily
dispensed with expensive objects. There was the
plaster east of Beethoven (some people who have
frequented artistic circles get to dislike this face
extremely), brass jars from Normandy, a photograph
of Mona Lisa (Tarr hated the Mona Lisa).
A table just by the window, laid with a white
cloth, square embroidered holes at its edges, was
where Tarr at once took up his position. Truculence
was denoted by his thus going straight to his eating-place.
Installed in the midst of this ridiculous life, he
gave a hasty glance at his “indifference” to see
whether it were safe and sound. Seen through it, on
opening the door, Bertha had appeared unusual.
This impressed him disagreeably. Had his rich and
calm feeling of bounty towards her survived the
encounter, his “indifference” might also have
remained intact.
He engrossed himself in his sense of physical well-being.
From his pocket he produced a tin box
containing tobacco, papers, and a little steel machine
for rolling cigarettes given him by Bertha. A long
slim hinged shell, it nipped in a little cartridge of
tobacco, which it then slipped with inside a paper
tube, and slipping out again empty, the cigarette was
made.
Tarr began manufacturing cigarettes. Reflections
from the shining metal in his hand scurried about
amongst the bilious bric-à-brac. Like a layer of
water lying on one of oil, the light heated stretch by
the windows appeared distinct from the shadowed
part of the room.
This place was cheap and dead, but rich with the
same lifelessness as the trees without. These looked
extremely near and familiar at the opened windows,
breathing the same air continually as Bertha. But
they were dusty, rough, and real.
Bertha came in from the kitchen. She went on
with a trivial rearrangement of her writing-table.
This had been her occupation as he appeared at the
gate beneath, drawing her ironical and musing eye
from his image to himself. A new photograph of
Tarr was being placed on her writing-table flush with
the window. Ten days previously it had been taken
in that room. It had ousted a Klinger and generally
created a restlessness, to her eye, in the other objects.
“Ah, you’ve got the photographs, have you?—Is
that me?”
She handed it to him.
“Yes, they came yesterday!”
“Yesterday” he had not been there! Whatever
he asked at the present moment would draw a softly
thudding answer, heavy German reproach concealed
in it with tireless ingenuity. These photographs
would under other circumstances have been produced
on his arrival with considerable noise.
Tarr had looked rather askance at this portrait and
Bertha’s occupation. There was his photograph,
calmly, with an air of permanence, taking up its
position on her writing-table, just as he was preparing
to vanish for good.
“Let’s see yours,” he said, still holding the photograph.
What strange effects all this complicated activity
inside had on the surface, his face. A set sulky
stagnation, every violence dropping an imperceptible
shade on to it, the features overgrown with this
strange stuff—that twist of the head that was him,
and that could only be got rid of by breaking.
“They’re no good,” she said, closing the drawer,
handing her photographs, sandwiched with tissue-paper,
to Sorbert. “That one”—a sitting pose, face
yearning from photograph, lighted, not with a smile,
but a sort of sentimental illumination, the drapery
arranged like a poster—“I don’t think that’s so
bad,” she said slangily, meant to be curt and
“cheeky.”
“What an idiot!” he thought; “what a face!”
A consciously pathetic ghost of a smile, a clumsy
sweetness, the energetic sentimental claim of a
rather rough but frank self.
There was a photograph of her in riding habit.
This was the best of them. He softened.
Then came a photograph of them together.
How strangely that twist of his, or set angle of the
head, fitted in with the corresponding peculiarities
of the woman’s head and bust. What abysms of
idiocy! Rubbishy hours and months formed the
atmosphere around these two futile dolls!
He put the photographs down and looked up. She
was sitting on the edge of the table. The dressing-gown
was open, and one large thigh, with ugly
whiteness, slid half out of it. It looked dead, and
connected with her like a ventriloquist’s dummy with
its master. It was natural to wonder where his
senses had gone in looking at these decorous photographs.
This exhibition appeared to be her explanation
of the matter. The face was not very original.
But a thigh cannot be stupid to the same degree.
He gazed surlily. Her musing expression at this
moment was supremely absurd. He smiled and
turned his face to the window. She pretended to
become conscious suddenly of something amiss. She
drew the dressing-gown round her.
“Have you paid the man yet? What did he
charge? I expect⸺”
Tarr took up the packet again.
“Oh, these are six francs. I forget what the big
ones are. I haven’t paid him yet. He’s coming to
photograph Miss Goenthner to-morrow.”
They sat without saying anything.
He examined the room as you do a doctor’s waiting-room.
He had just come there to see if he could turn his
back on it. That appeared at first sight a very easy
matter. That is why he so far had not succeeded in
doing so. Never put on his mettle, his standing
army of will was not sufficient to cope with it. But
would this little room ever appear worth turning his
back on? It was the purest distillation of the
commonplace. He had become bewitched by its
strangeness. It was the height of the unreal. Bertha
was like a fairy that he visited, and “became
engaged” to in another world, not the real one. It
was so much the real ordinary world that for him
with his out-of-the-way experience it was a phantasmagoria.
Then what he had described as his disease
of sport was perpetually fed. Sex even with him,
according to his analysis, being a sort of ghost, was
at home in this gross and buffonic illusion. Something
had filled up a blank and become saturated
with the blankness.
How much would Bertha mind a separation?
Tarr saw in her one of those clear, humorous, superficial
natures, a Venetian or a Viennese, the easy
product of a cynical and abundant life. He under-rated
the potency of his fascination. Secondly, he
miscalculated the depths of obedient attachment he
had wakened.
They sat impatiently waiting. A certain formality
had to be observed. Then the business of the day
could be proceeded with. They were both bored
with the part imposed by the punctilious and
ridiculous god of love. Bertha, into the bargain,
wanted to get on with her cooking. She would have
cut considerably the reconciliation scene. All her
side of the programme had been conscientiously done.
“Berthe, tu es une brave fille!”
“Tu trouves?”
“Oui.”
More inaction followed on Tarr’s part. She sometimes
thought he enjoyed these ceremonies.
Through girlhood her strong senses had churned
away at her, and claimed an image from her gentle
and dreamy mind. In its turn the mind had accumulated
its impressions of men, fancies from books and
conversations, and made its hive. So her senses
were presented with the image that was to satisfy
and rule them. They flung themselves upon it as
she had flung herself upon Tarr.
This image left considerable latitude. Tarr had
been the first to fit—rather paradoxically, but all
the faster for that.
This “high standard Aryan female,” as Tarr
described her, had arrived, with him, at the full and
headlong condition we agree to name “love.” The
image, or type, was thrown away. The individual
took its place.
Bertha had had several sweethearts before Tarr.
They had all left the type-image intact. At most it
had been a little blurred by them. It had almost
been smashed for one man, physically resembling
Tarr. But he had never got quite near enough to
do that. Tarr had characteristically supposed this
image to have little sharpness of outline left. He
thought it would not be a very difficult matter for
any one to extort its recognitions.
“Vous êtes à mon goût, Sorbet. Du bist mein
gesmack,” she would say.
Tarr was not demonstrative when she said this.
He could not reciprocate. And he could not help
reflecting whether to be “her taste” was very
flattering. There must be something the matter
with him.
All her hope centred in his laziness. She watched
his weaknesses with a loving eye. He had much to
say about his under-nature. She listened attentively.
“It is the most dangerous quality of all to possess,”
and he would sententiously add—“only the best
people possess it, in common with the obscure and
humble. It is like a great caravanserai in which
scores of people congregate. It is a disguise in which
such a one, otherwise Pasha, circulates among
unembarrassed men. He brings away stores of
wisdom, with much diversion by the way.” He saw,
however, the danger of these facilities. The Pasha
had been given a magic mask of humbleness. But
the inner nature seemed flowing equally to the mask
and the unmasked magnificence. He was as yet
unformed, but wished to form wholly Pasha. This
under-nature’s chief use was as a precious villégiature
for his energy. Bertha was the country wench the
more exalted incarnation had met while on its holidays,
or, wandering idle Khalife, in some concourse of his
surreptitious life.
His three days’ unannounced and uncommented
“leave” had made Bertha very nervous. She
suffered from the incomplete, unsymmetrical appearance
her life now presented. Everything spread out
palpably before her, that she could arrange like a
roomful of furniture, was how she liked it. Even in
her present shakedown of a life, Tarr had noticed the
way he was treated as material for “arrangement.”
But she had never been able to indulge this idiosyncrasy
much in the past. This was not the first time
that she had found herself in a similar position.
Hence her certain air of being at home in these
casual quarters, which belied her.
The detested temporary dwelling in the last few
days had been given a new coat of sombre thought.
Found in accidental quarters, had she not been over-delicate
in not suggesting an immediate move into
something more homelike and permanent. People
would leave her there for the rest of her natural life
unless she were a little brutal and got herself out
somehow. No shadow of un-nice feeling ever tainted
her abject genuineness. Cunning efforts to retain
him abounded. But she never blamed or turned on
him. She had given herself long ago, at once,
without ceremony. She awaited his thanks or no
thanks simply.
But the itch of action was on her.
Tarr’s absences were like light. His presence was
a shadow. They were both stormy. The last
absence had illuminated the undiscipline of her life.
During the revealing luridness, she got to work.
Reconstruction was begun. She had trusted too
much in Fate and obedient waiting Hymen.
So Bertha had a similar ferment to Tarr’s.
Anger with herself, dreary appetite for action,
would help her over farewells. She was familiar
enough with them, too, in thought. She would not
stir a hand to change things. He must do that. She
would only facilitate things in all directions for him.
The new energy delivered attack after attack upon
her hope. She saw nothing beyond Tarr but measures
of utility. The “heart” had always been her most
cherished ornament. That Tarr would take with
him, as she would keep his ring and the books he
had given her. She could not now get it back for
the asking. She did not want it! She must indulge
her mania for tasteful arrangement in future without
this. Or rather what heart she had left would be
rather like one of those salmon-coloured, corrugated
gas office-stoves, compared to a hearth with a fire of
pine.
Tarr had not brought his indifference there to make
it play tricks, perform little feats. Nor did he wish
to press it into inhuman actions. It was a humane
“indifference,” essentially. So with reluctance he
got up, and went over to her.
“You haven’t kissed me yet,” he said, in imitation
of her.
“Why kiss you, Sorbet?” she managed to say
before her lips were closed. He drew her ungraciously
and roughly into his arms, and started kissing her
on the mouth. She covered him, docilely, with her
inertia. He was supposed to be performing a miracle
of bringing the dead to life. Gone about too crudely,
the willing mountebank, Death, had been offended.
It is not thus that great spirits are prevailed upon to
flee. Her “indifference”—the great, simulated, and
traditional—would not be ousted by an upstart and
younger relative. By Tarr himself, grown repentant,
yes. But not by another “indifference.” Then his
brutality stung her offended spirit, that had been
pursing itself up for so many hours. Tears began
rolling tranquilly out of her eyes in large dignified
drops. They had not been very far back in the wings.
He received them frigidly. She was sure, thought
he, to detect something unusual during this scene.
Then with the woman’s bustling, desperate, possessive
fury, she suddenly woke up. She disengaged her
arms wildly and threw them round his neck, tears
becoming torrential. Underneath the poor comedian
that played such antics with such phlegmatic and
exasperating persistence, this distressed being thrust
up its trembling mask, like a drowning rat. Its finer
head pierced her blunter wedge.
“Oh! dis, Sorbet! Est-ce que tu m’aime?
M’aime-tu? Dis!”
“Yes, you know. Don’t cry.”
A wail, like the buzzing on a comb covered with
paper followed.
“Oh, dis; m’aimes-tu? Dis que tu m’aime!”
A blurting, hurrying personality rushed right up
into his face. It was like the sightless clammy
charging of a bat. More eloquent regions had
ambushed him. Humbug had mysteriously departed.
It was a blast of knifelike air in the middle of their
hot-house. He stared at her face groping up as
though it scented troubles in his face. It pushed to
right and then to left and rocked itself. Intelligent
and aware, it lost this intensity.
A complicated image developed in his mind as he
stood with her. He was remembering Schopenhauer.
It was of a Chinese puzzle of boxes within boxes, or
of insects’ discarded envelopes. A woman had in the
middle of her a kernel, a sort of very substantial
astral baby. This baby was apt to swell. She then
became all baby. The husk he held was a painted
mummy-case. He was a mummy-case too. Only
he contained nothing but innumerable other painted
cases inside, smaller and smaller ones. The smallest
was not a substantial astral baby, however, or live
core, but a painting like the rest. His kernel was a
painting. That was as it should be!
He was half sitting on the table. He found himself
patting her back. He stopped doing this. His
face looked heavy and fatigued. A dull, intense
infection of her despair had filled it.
He held her head gently against his neck. Or he
held her skull against his neck. She shook and
sniffed softly.
“Bertha, stop crying. I know I’m a brute. But
it’s fortunate for you that I am. I’m only a brute.
There’s nothing to cry for.”
He over-estimated deafness in weepers. And when
women flooded their country he always sat down and
waited. Often as this had happened to him, he had
never attempted to circumvent it. He felt like a
person who is taking a little dog for a walk at the
end of a string. His voice appeared husky and
artificial near her ear.
Turned towards the window, he looked at the
green stain of the foliage outside. Something was
explained. Nature was not friendly to him; its
metallic tints jarred. Or anyhow, it was the same
for all men. The sunlight seen like an adventurous
stranger in the streets was intimate with Bertha.
The scrap of crude forest had made him want to be
away unaccompanied. But it was tainted with her.
If he went away now he would only be playing at
liberty. He had been right in not accepting the
invitations of the spring. The settlement of this
question stood between him and pleasure. A momentary
well-being had been accepted. The larger
spiritual invitation he had rejected. He would only
take that when he was free. In its annual expansion
Nature sent its large unstinting invitations. But
Nature loved the genius and liberty in him. Tarr
felt the invitation would not have been so cordial
had he proposed taking a wife and family!
He led her passively protesting to the sofa. Like
a sick person, she was half indignant at being moved.
He should have remained, a perpendicular bed for
her, till the fever had passed. Revolted at the
hypocrisy required, he left her standing at the edge
of the sofa. She stood crouching a little, her face
buried in her hands, in indignant absurdity. The
only moderately clean thing to do would be to walk
out of the door at once and never come back. With
his background of months of different behaviour this
could not be done.
She sank down on the sofa, head buried in the
bilious cushions. She lay there like an animal, he
thought, or some one mad, a lump of half-humanity.
On one side of him Bertha lay quite motionless and
silent, and on the other the little avenue was equally
still. The false stillness within, however, now gave
back to the scene without its habitual character. It
still seemed strange to him. But all its strangeness
now lay in its everyday and natural appearance.
The quiet inside, in the room, was what did not seem
strange to him. He had become imbued with that.
Bertha’s numb silence and abandon was a stupid
tableau vivant of his own mood. In this impasse of
arrested life he stood sick and useless. They progressed
from stage to stage of this weary farce. Confusion
increased. It resembled a combat between
two wrestlers of mathematically equal strength.
Neither could win. One or other of them was
usually wallowing warily or lifelessly on his stomach,
the other tugging at him or examining and prodding
his carcass. His liking, contempt, realization of her
love for him, his confused but exigent conscience,
dogged preparation to say farewell, all dovetailed
with precision. There she lay a deadweight. He
could take his hat and go. But once gone in this
manner he could not stay.
He turned round, and sitting on the window-sill
began again staring at Bertha.
Women’s stormy weakness, psychic discharges,
always affected him as the sight of a person being
seasick. It was the result of a weak spirit, as the
other was the result of a weak stomach. They could
only live on the retching seas of their troubles on the
condition of being quite empty. The lack of art or
illusion in actual life enables the sensitive man to exist.
Likewise the phenomenal lack of nature in the average
man’s existence is lucky and necessary for him.
Tarr in some way gathered strength from contemplation
of Bertha. His contradictory and dislocated
feelings were brought into a new synthesis.
Launching himself off the window-sill, he stood still
as though suspended in thought. He then sat down
provisionally at the writing-table, within a few feet
of the sofa. He took up a book of Goethe’s poems
that she had given him. In cumbrous field-day dress
of Gothic characters, squad after squad, these poems
paraded their message. He had left it there on a
former visit. He came to the ode named “Ganymed,”
Wie im Morgenglanze
Du rings much anglühst
Frühling, Geliebter!
Mit tausendfacher Liebeswonne
Sich an mein Herz drängt
Deiner ewigen Wärme
Heilig, Gefühl,
Unendliche Schöne!
He put it in his breast-pocket. As soldiers go into
battle sometimes with the Bible in their pocket, he
prepared himself for a final combat, with Goethe
upon his person. Men’s lives have been known to
have been saved through a lesser devoutness.
He was engaging battle again with the most
chivalrous sentiments. The reserves had been called
up, his nature mobilized. As his will gathered force
and volume (in its determination to “fling” her) he
unhypocritically keyed up its attitude. It resembled
extreme cunning. He had felt, while he had been
holding her, at a disadvantage because of his listless
emotion. With emotion equal to hers, he could
accomplish anything. Leaving her would be child’s
play. He appeared to be projecting the manufacture
of a more adequate sentiment.
Any indirectness was out of the question. A
“letting her down softly,” kissing and leaving in an
hour or two, as though things had not changed, that
must now be eschewed—oh, yes. The genuine
section of her, of which he had a troubled glimpse,
mattered, nothing else. He must appeal obstinately
to that. Their coming together had been prosecuted
on his side with a stupid levity. He would retrieve
this in the parting. He wished to do everything
most opposite to his previous lazy conduct. He
frowned on Humour.
The first skirmish of his comic Armageddon had
opened with the advance of his mysterious and
goguenard “indifference.” This dwindled away at
the first onset. A new and more powerful thing had
taken its place. This was, in Bertha’s eyes, a
difference in Tarr.
“Something has happened; he is different,” she
said to herself. “He has met somebody else,” had
been her rapid provisional conclusion.
She suddenly got up without speaking. Rather
spectrally, she went over to the writing-table for her
handkerchief. She had not moved an inch or a
muscle until quite herself again, dropping steadily
down all the scale of feeling to normal. With
matter-of-factness she got up, easily and quietly,
making Sorbert a little dizzy.
Her face had all the drama wrung out of it. It was
hard, clear, and garishly white, like her body.
If he were to have a chance of talking he must
clear the air of electricity completely. Else at his
first few words storm might return.
Once lunch had swept through the room, things
would be better. He would send the strawberries
ahead to prepare his way. It was like fattening a
lamb for the slaughter. This idea pleased him.
Now that he had accepted the existence of a possible
higher plane of feeling as between Bertha and himself,
he was anxious to avoid display. So he ran the risk
of outdoing his former callousness. Tarr was saturated
with morbid English shyness, that cannot
tolerate passion and its nakedness. This shyness, as
he contended, in its need to show its heart, discovers
subtleties and refinements of expression, opposites
and between shades, unknown to less gauche and
delicate people. But if he were hustled out of his
shell the anger that co-existed with his modesty was
the most spontaneous thing he possessed. Bertha
had always left him alone.
He got up, obsequiously reproducing in his own
movements and expression her new normality.
“Well, how about lunch? I’ll come and help
you with it.”
“There’s nothing to do. I’ll get it.”
Bertha had wiped her eyes with the attentiveness
a man bestows on his chin after a shave, in little
brusque hard strokes. She did not look at Tarr.
She arranged her hair in the mirror, then went to
the kitchen. For her to be so perfectly natural
offended him.
The intensity of her past feeling carried her on for
about five minutes into ordinary life. Her seriousness
was tactful for so long. Then her nature began
to give way. It broke up again into fits and starts
of self-consciousness. The mind was called in, did its
work clumsily as usual. She became her usual self.
Sitting on the stool by the window, in the act of
eating, Tarr there in front of her, it was more than
ever impossible to be natural. She resented the
immediate introduction of lunch in this way. The
resentment increased her artificiality.
To counterbalance the acceptance of food, she had
to throw more pathos into her face. With haggard
resignation she was going on again; doing what was
asked of her, partaking of this lunch. She did so
with unnecessary conscientiousness. Her strange
wave of dignity had let her in for this? Almost she
must make up for that dignity! Life was confusing
her again; it was useless to struggle.
“Aren’t these strawberries good? These little
hard ones are better than the bigger strawberries.
Have some more cream?”
“Thank you.” She should have said no. But
being greedy in this matter she accepted it, with
heavy air of some subtle advantage gained.
“How did the riding lesson go off?” She went
to a riding school in the mornings.
“Oh, quite well, thank you. How did your lesson
go off?” This referred to his exchange of languages
with a Russian girl.
“Admirably, thank you.”
The Russian girl was a useful feint for her.
“What is the time?” The time? What cheek!
He was almost startled.
He took his heavy watch out and presented its
face to her ironically.
“Are you in a hurry?” he asked.
“No, I just wondered what the time was. I live
so vaguely.”
“You are sure you are not in a hurry?”
“Oh, no!”
“I have a confession to make, my dear Bertha.”
He had not put his watch back in his pocket. She
had asked for the watch; he would use it. “I came
here just now to test a funny mood—a quite new
mood. My visit is a sort of trial trip of this mood.
It was connected with you. I wanted to find out
what it meant, and how it would be affected by your
presence.”
Bertha looked up with mocking sulky face, a shade
of hopeful curiosity.
“It was a feeling of complete indifference as regards
yourself!”
He said this solemnly, with the pomp with which a
weighty piece of news might be delivered by a solicitor
in conversation with his client.
“Oh, is that all?” The new barbaric effort was
met by Bertha scornfully.
“No, that is not all.”
Catching at the professional figure his manner had
conjured up, he ran his further remarks into that
mould. The presence of his watch in his hand had
brought some image of the family physician or gouty
attorney. It all centred round the watch, and her
interest in the time of day.
“I have found that this was only another fraud
on my too credulous sensibility.” He smiled with
professional courtesy. “At sight of you, my mood
evaporated. But what I want to talk about is what
is left. It would be well to bring our accounts up
to date. I’m afraid the reckoning is enormously
against me. You have been a criminally indulgent
partner⸺”
He had now got the image down to the more precise
form of two partners, perhaps comfortable wine
merchants, going through their books.
“My dear boy, I know that. You needn’t trouble
to go any further. But why are you going into
these calculations, and sums of profit and loss?”
“Because my sentimental finances, if I may use
that term, are in a bad state.”
“Then they only match your worldly ones.”
“In my worldly ones I have no partner,” he
reminded her.
She cast her eyes about in swoops, full of self-possessed
wildness.
“I exonerate you, Sorbet,” she said, “you
needn’t go into details. What is yours and what is
mine. My God! What does it matter? Not
much!”
“I know you to be generous⸺”
“Leave that then! Leave these calculations!
All that means so little to me! I feel at the end of
my strength—au bout de force!” She always heaved
this out with much energy. “If you’ve made up
your mind to go—do so, Sorbet. I release you!
You owe me nothing. It was all my fault. But
spare me a reckoning. I can’t stand any more⸺”
“No, I insist on being responsible. We can’t
leave things upside down—our books in an endless
muddle, our desks open, and just walk away for ever—and
perhaps set up shop somewhere else?”
“I do not feel in any mood to ‘set up shop somewhere
else,’ I can assure you!”
The unbusinesslike element in the situation she
had allowed to develop for obvious reasons. She
now resisted his dishonest attempt to set this right,
and benefit first, as he had done, by disorder, and
lastly by order.
“We can’t, in any case, improve matters by
talking. I—I, you needn’t fear for me, Sorbet. I
can look after myself, only don’t let us wrangle,”
with appealing gesture and saintlily smiling face,
“let us part friends. Let us be worthy of each
other.”
Bertha always opposed to Tarr’s images her
Teutonic lyricism, usually repeating the same phrases
several times.
This was degenerating into their routine of wrangle.
Always confronted by this imperturbable, deaf and
blind “generosity,” the day would end in the usual
senseless “draw.” His words still remained unsaid.
“Bertha, listen. Let us, just for fun, throw all
this overboard. I mean the cargo of inflated soul-stuff
that makes us go statelily, no doubt, but—Haven’t
we quarrelled enough, and said these things
often enough? Our quarrels have been our undoing.
A long chain of little quarrels has bound us down.
We should neither of us be here if it hadn’t been for
them.”
Bertha gazed at Tarr half wonderingly. She
realized that something out of the ordinary was on
foot.
Tarr proceeded.
“I have accepted from you a queer sentimental
dialect of life, I should have insisted on your expressing
yourself in a more logical and metropolitan
speech. Let us drop it. There is no need to talk
negro, baby-talk, or hybrid drivel from no-man’s-land.
I don’t think we should lead a very pleasant married
life—naturally. In the second place, you are not a
girl who wants an intrigue, but to marry. I have
been playing at fiancé with a certain pleasure in the
novelty, but I experience a genuine horror at the
possible consequences. I have been playing with
you!”
He said this eagerly, as though it were a point in
his argument—as it was. He paused, for effect
apparently.
“You, for your part, Bertha, don’t do yourself
justice when you are acting. I am in the same
position. I feel this. My ill-humour occasionally
falls in your direction—yours, for its part, falling in
mine when I criticize your acting. We don’t act well
together, and that’s a fact; though I’m sure we
should be smooth enough allies off the boards of love.
Your heart, Bertha, is in the right place; ah, ça⸺”
“You are too kind!”
“But—but I will go further! At the risk of
appearing outrageously paradoxical. This heart in
question is so much part of your intelligence,
too⸺”
“Thanks! Thanks!”
“—despite your execrable fatuity as an actress!
Your shrewdness and goodness give each other the
hand.—But to return to my point. I had always
till I met you regarded marriage as a thing beyond
all argument not for me. I was unusually isolated
from this idea, anyway; I had never even reflected
what marriage was. You introduced me to marriage!
In so doing you are responsible for all our troubles.
The approach of this horrible thing, so surprisingly
pleasant and friendly at nearer sight, caused revulsion
of feeling beyond my control, resulting in sudden
fiançailles. Like a woman luxuriously fingering some
merchant’s goods, too dear for her, or not wanted
enough for the big price, so I philandered with the
idea of marriage.”
This simplification put things, merely, in a new
callous light. Tarr felt that she must naturally be
enjoying, too, his points. He forgot to direct his
exposition in such a way as to hurt her least. This
trivial and tortured landscape had a beauty for him
he could have explained, where her less developed
sense saw nothing but a harrowing reality.
The lunch had had the same effect on him that it
was intended to have on his victim; not enough to
overthrow his resolution, but enough to relax its
form.
As to Bertha, this seemed, in the main, “Sorbet
all over.” There was nothing new. There was the
“difference.” But it was the familiar process; he
was attempting to convince himself, heartlessly, on
her. Whether he would ever manage it was problematic.
There was no sign of his being likely to do
so more to-day than any other day. She listened;
sententiously released him from time to time.
Just as she had seemed strange to him in some way
when he came in, seen through his “indifference,”
so he had appeared a little odd to her. This had
wiped off the dullness of habit for a moment. This
husband she obstinately wanted had been recognized.
She had seized him round the shoulders and clung to
him, as though he had been her child that some
senseless force were about to snatch.
As to his superstition about marriage—was it not
merely restlessness of youth, propaganda of Liberty,
that a year or so would see in Limbo? For was he
not a “marrying man”? She was sure of it! She
had tried not to frighten him, and to keep “Marriage”
in the background.
So Tarr’s disquisition had no effect except for one
thing. When he spoke of pleasure he derived from
idea of marriage, she wearily pricked up her ears.
The conviction that Tarr was a domesticated animal
was confirmed from his own lips. The only result of
his sortie was to stimulate her always vigilant hope
and irony, both, just a little. He had intended to
prepare the couch for her despair!
His last words, affirming Marriage to be a game
not worth the candle, brought a faint and “weary”
smile to her face. She was once more, obviously,
au bout de force.
“Sorbert; I understand you. Do realize that.
There is no necessity for all this rigmarole With me.
If you think you shouldn’t marry—why, it’s quite
simple! Don’t think that I would force you to
marry! Oh, no!” (The training guttural unctuous
accent she had in speaking English filled her discourse
with natural emphasis.) “I always said that you were
too young. You need a wife. You’ve just said
yourself about your feeling for marriage. But you
are so young!” She gazed at him with compassionate,
half-smiling moistened look, as though there
were something deformed about being so young. A
way she had was to treat anything that obviously
pointed to her as the object of pity, as though it
manifestly indicated, on the contrary, him. “Yes,
Sorbet, you are right,” she finished briskly. “I
think it would be madness for us to marry!”
A suggestion that their leisurely journey towards
marriage was perhaps a mistake was at once seriously,
and with conviction far surpassing that he had
ventured on, taken up by her. She would immediately
call a halt, pitch tents preliminary to turning
back. A pause was necessary before beginning the
return journey. Next day they would be jogging on
again in the same disputed direction.
Tarr now saw at once what had happened. His
good words had been lost, all except his confession to
a weakness for the matronly blandishments of
Matrimony. He had an access of stupid, brief, and
blatant laughter.
As people have wondered what was at the core of
the world, basing their speculations on what deepest
things occasionally emerge, with violence, at its
holes, so Bertha often conjectured what might be at
the heart of Tarr. Laughter was the most apparently
central substance that, to her knowledge, had
incontrollably appeared. She had often heard grondements,
grumblings, quite literally, and seen unpleasant
lights, belonging, she knew, to other categories of
matter. But they never broke cover.
At present this gaiety was interpreted as proof that
she had been right. There was nothing in what he
had said. It had been only one of his bad fits of
rebellion.
But laughter Tarr felt was retrogression. Laughter
must be given up. He must in some way, for both
their sakes, lay at once the foundations of an ending.
For a few minutes he played with the idea of
affecting her weapons. Perhaps it was not only
impossible to overcome, but even to approach, or to
be said to be on the same field with, this peculiar
amazon, without such uniformity of engines of attack
or defence. Should not he get himself a mask like
hers at once, and follow suit with some emphatic
sentence? He stared uncertainly at her. Then he
sprang to his feet. He intended, as far as he could
see beyond this passionate movement (for he must
give himself up to the mood, of course) to pace the
room. But his violence jerked out of him a shout of
laughter. He went stamping about the floor roaring
with reluctant mirth. It would not come out
properly, too, except the first outburst.
“Ay. That’s right! Go on! Go on!” Bertha’s
patient irony seemed to gibe.
This laughter left him vexed with himself, like a
fit of tears. “Humour and pathos are such near
twins, that Humour may be exactly described as the
most feminine attribute of man, and the only one of
which women show hardly any trace! Jokes are like
snuff, a slatternly habit,” said Tarr to Butcher once,
“whereas tragedy (and tears) is like tobacco, much
drier and cleaner. Comedy being always the embryo
of Tragedy, the directer nature weeps. Women are
of course directer than men. But they have not the
same resources.”
Butcher blinked. He thought of his resources,
and remembered his inclination to tears.
Tarr’s disgust at this electric rush of sound made
him turn it on her. He was now put at a fresh
disadvantage. How could he ever succeed in making
Bertha believe that a person who laughed immoderately
meant what he said? Under the shadow of this
laugh all his ensuing acts or words must toil, discredited
in advance.
Desperately ignoring accidents, he went back
beyond his first explosion, and attacked its cause—indicting
Bertha, more or less, as responsible for the
disturbance.
He sat down squarely in front of her, hardly
breathed from his paroxysm, getting launched without
transition. He hoped, by rapid plunging from one
state to another, to take the wind out of the laugh’s
sails. It should be left towering, spectral, but
becalmed, behind.
“I don’t know from which side to approach you,
Bertha. You frequently complain of my being
thoughtless and spoilt. But your uncorked solemnity
is far more frivolous than anything I can manage.—Excuse
me, of course, for speaking in this way!—Won’t
you come down from your pedestal just for a
few minutes?” And he “sketched,” in French
idiom, a gesture, as though offering her his hand.
“My dear Sorbert, I feel far from being on any
pedestal! There’s too little of the pedestal, if
anything, about me. Really, Sorbet,” (she leant
towards him with an abortive movement as though
to take his hand) “I am your friend; believe me!”
(Last words very quick, with nod of head and blink
of eyes.) “You worry yourself far too much. Don’t
do so. You are in no way bound to me. If you
think we should part—let us part!”
The “let us part!” was precipitate, strenuous
Prussian, almost truculent.
Tarr thought: “Is it cunning, stupidity, disease
or what?”
She continued of a sudden, shunting on to another
track of generosity:
“But I agree. Let us be franker. We waste too
much time talking, talking. You are different to-day,
Sorbet. What is it? If you have met somebody
else⸺”
“If I had I’d tell you. There is besides nobody
else to meet. You are unique!”
“Some one’s been saying something to you⸺”
“No. I’ve been saying something to somebody
else. But it’s the same thing.”
With half-incredulous, musing, glimmering stare
she drew in her horns.
Tarr meditated. “I should have known that. I
am asking her for something that she sees no reason
to give up. Next her goût for me, it is the most
valuable thing she possesses. It is indissolubly
mixed up with the goût. The poor heightened self
she laces herself into is the only consolation for me
and all the troubles I spring on her. And I ask her
brutally to ‘come down from her pedestal.’ I owe
even a good deal to that pedestal, I expect, as regards
her goût. This blessed protection Nature has given
her, I, a minute or two before leaving her, make a
last inept attempt to capture or destroy. Her good
sense is contemptuous and indignant. It is only in
defence of this ridiculous sentimentality that she has
ever shown her teeth. This illusion has enabled her
to bear things so long. It now stands ready with
Indian impassibility to manœuvre her over the falls
or rapids of Parting. The scientific thing to do, I
suppose, my intention being generous, would be to
flatter and increase in some way this idea of herself.
I should give her some final and extraordinary
opportunity of being ‘noble.’”
He looked at her a moment, in search of inspiration.
“I must not be too vain. I exaggerate the
gravity of the hit. As to my attempted rape—see
how I square up when she shows signs of annexing
my illusion. We are really the whole time playing a
game of grabs and dashes at each other’s fairy
vestment of Imagination. Only hers makes her very
fond of me, whereas mine makes me see any one but
her. Perhaps this is why I have not been more
energetic in my prosecution of the game, and have
allowed her to remain in her savage semi-naked state
of pristine balderdash. Why has she never tried to
modify herself in direction of my ‘taste’? From
not daring to leave this protective fanciful self, while
I still kept all my weapons? Then her initiative.
She does nothing it is the man’s place to do. She
remains ‘woman’ as she would say. Only she is so
intensely alive in her passivity, so maelstromlike in
her surrender, so cataclysmic in her sacrifice, that
very little remains to be done. The man’s position
is a mere sinecure. Her charm for me.”
To cover reflection, he set himself to finish lunch.
The strawberries were devoured mechanically, with
unhungry itch to clear the plate. He had become
just a devouring-machine, restless if any of the little
red balls still remained in front of it.
Bertha’s eyes sought to carry her out of this
Present. But they had broken down, depositing
her, so to speak, somewhere half-way down the
avenue.
Tarr got up, a released automaton, and walked to
the cloth-covered box where he had left his hat and
stick. Then he returned in some way dutifully and
obediently to the same seat, sat there for a minute,
hat on knee. He had gone over and taken it up
without thinking. He only realized, once back, what
it meant. Nothing was settled, he had so far done
more harm than good. The presence of the hat and
stick on his knees, however, was like the holding open
of the front door already. Anything said with them
there could only be like words said as an afterthought,
on the threshold. It was as though, hat on head, he
were standing with his hand on the door-knob, about
to add some trifle to a thing already fixed. He got
up, walked back to where he had picked up the hat
and stick, placed them as they were before, then
returned to the window.
What should be done now? He seemed to have
played all his fifty-two cards. Everything to “be
done” looked behind him, not awaiting him at all.
That passive pose of Bertha’s was not encouraging.
It had lately withstood stoically a good deal, was
quite ready to absorb still more. There was something
almost pugnacious in so much resignation.
But when she looked up at him there was no sign
of combat. She appeared stilled to something simple
again, by some fluke of a word. For the second
time that day she had jumped out of her skin.
Her heart beat in a delicate, exhausted way, her
eyelids became moistened underneath, as she turned
to her unusual fiancé. They had wandered, she felt,
into a drift of silence that hid a distant and unpleasant
prospect at the end of it. It seemed suddenly
charged with some alarming fancy that she could
not grasp. There was something more unusual than
her fiancé. The circular storm, in her case, was
returning.
“Well, Sorbet?”
“Well. What is it?”
“Why don’t you go? I thought you’d gone. It
seems so funny to see you standing there. What are
you staring at me for?”
“Don’t be silly.”
She looked down with a wild demureness, her head
on one side.
Her mouth felt some distance from her brain. Her
voice stood on tiptoe like a dwarf to speak. She
became very much impressed by her voice, and was
rather afraid to say anything more. Had she
fainted? Sorbert was a stranger. The black stubble
on his chin and brown neck appeared like the
symptoms of a disease that repelled her. She
noticed something criminal and quick in his eyes.
She became nervous, as though she had admitted
somebody too trustingly to her rooms. This fancy
played on her hysteria, and she really wanted him
to go.
“Why don’t you go?” she repeated, in a pleasant
voice.
Tarr remained silent, seemingly determined not to
answer.
Meantime he looked at her with a doubtful dislike.
What is love? he began reasoning. It is either
possession or a possessive madness. In the case of
men and women, it is the obsession of a personality.
He had presumably been endowed with the power of
awaking love in her. He had something to accuse
himself of. He had been afraid of giving up or
repudiating this particular madness. To give up
another person’s love is a mild suicide; like a very
bad inoculation as compared to the full disease. His
tenderness for Bertha was due to her having purloined
some part of himself, and covered herself superficially
with it as a shield. Her skin at least was
Tarr. She had captured a bit of him, and held it as
a hostage. She was rapidly transforming herself,
too, into a slavish dependency. She worked with all
the hypocrisy of a great instinct.
People can wound by loving; the sympathy of
this affection is interpenetrative. Love performs its
natural miracle, and they become part of us; it is a
dismemberment to cast them off. Our own blood
flows out after them when they go.
Or love was a malady; it was dangerous to live
with those consumed by it. He felt an uneasiness.
Might not a wasting and restlessness ensue? It
would not, if he caught it, be recognizable as love.
Perhaps he had already got it slightly. That might
account for his hanging about her. He evidently
was suffering from something that came from Bertha.
Everybody, however, all personality, was catching.
We all are sicknesses for each other. Such contact
as he had with Bertha was particularly risky. Their
photographs he had just been looking at displayed
an unpleasant solidarity. Was it necessary to allege
“love” at all? The word was superfluous in his
case. The fact was before him.
He felt suddenly despondent and afraid of the
Future. He had fallen beneath a more immediate
infection.
He looked attentively round the room. His
memory already ached. She had loved him with all
this. She had loved him with the plaster cast of
Beethoven, attacked him with the Klingers, ambushed
him from the Breton jars, in a funny, superficial,
absorbing way. Her madness had muddled everything
with his ideal existence. It wasn’t like leaving
an ordinary room you had spent pleasant hours in
and would regret. You would owe nothing to that,
and it could not pursue you with images of wrong.
This room he was wronging, and left it in a different
way. She seemed, too, so humble in it, or through
it. The appeal of the little again. If he could only
escape from scale. The price of preoccupation with
the large was this perpetual danger from the little.
He wished he could look coldly on mere littleness,
and not want to caress and protect it when it was
human. Brutality was no doubt necessary for people
like him. Love was too new to him. He was not
inoculated enough with love.
He had callously been signing his name to a series
of brutalities, then, as though he were sure that
when the time came he would have a quite sufficient
stock of coldness to meet these debts. Yet he had
known from the first that he had not. Eventually
he would have to evade them or succumb. The
flourishes of the hand and mind had caused Bertha’s
mute and mournful attitude. She thought she knew
him, but was amazed at his ignorance or pretence.
So he had now brought this new element into
relief. For the last hour he had been accumulating
difficulties, or rather unearthing some new one at
every step. Impossible to tackle en masse, they
were all there before him. The thought of “settling
everything before he went,” now appeared monstrous.
He had, anyhow, started these local monsters and
demons, fishing them to the light. Each had a
different vocal explosiveness or murmur, inveighing
unintelligibly against each other. The only thing to
be done was to herd them all together and march
them away for inspection at leisure.
Sudden herdsman, with the care of a delicate and
antediluvian flock; well!—But what was Bertha to
be told? Nothing. He would file out silently with
his flock, without any hornblasts or windings such as
he customarily affected.
“I am going now,” he said at last, getting up.
She looked at him with startled interest.
“You are leaving me, Sorbet?”
“No. At least, now I am going.” He stooped
down for his hat and cane. “I will come and see
you to-morrow or the day after.”
Closing the door quietly, with a petty carefulness,
he crossed the passage, belittled and guilty. He did
not wish to escape this feeling. It would be better
to enhance it. For a moment it occurred to him to
go back and offer marriage. It was about all he had
to offer. He was ashamed of his only gift! But he
did not stop, he opened the front door and went
downstairs. Something raw and uncertain he seemed
to have built up in the room he had left. How long
would it hold together? Again he was acting in
secret, his errand and intentions kept to himself.
Something followed him like a restless dog.