A NEW OUTLOOK ON MATILDA
THE next morning Susan looked half-sheepish
and half-anxious. "I just
couldn't help it, Jane. I laid in bed so
long, thinking, and then it come over me
what life was going to be when she was
back and you gone and—well—I just
couldn't help coming. I felt awful."
Jane was busy with breakfast. "I
know, Auntie, I know. I ought to have
thought of Aunt Matilda sooner. Half
her stay is over."
"Oh, my, I should say it was," wailed
Susan; "that's what scares me so. We're
so happy, and the time is going so fast.
It's about the most awful thing I ever
knew."
Jane began beating eggs for an omelette.
"We never were one bit alike," Susan
intoned mournfully; "we were always so
different, and then when husband died,
there was just nothing to do but for us to
live together. She's my only sister, and
it's right that I should humor her, but, oh
my, what a scratch-about life she has led
me. I was getting to feel more like a
mouse than a woman—soon as I got a
bite, I'd begin to tremble and to listen and
then how I did run!"
"But it will be all so different when she
comes back," Jane said cheerily. "She'll
be very different, and so will you. It'll
be just like I told you last night."
"I know,—I know. But somehow I
can't see it as you do. I'm all upset.
And I'm so happy without her. We're
so happy. The house looks beautiful.
You've just made everything over. I declare,
Jane, I never saw anything like you.
All my old things have turned new, and so
pretty. I feel like a bride. That is, I
feel like a bride when I ain't thinking of
Matilda."
"It looks very nice, surely," said Jane,
smiling. "Your things were so pretty,
anyhow. But what I was gladdest about
was to really get it all opened up and fresh.
I didn't want any one to come while it
was so gloomy. The whole town may
call now."
"They do, too," said Susan, diverted
for the minute; "they certainly do. Oh,
it is so nice, I so adore to hear all about
things again. Matilda just shut everybody
out. She didn't like company."
"She was pretty busy, you know."
"She hadn't any more to do than you
have. She hadn't so much to do as you
have, because she didn't do a thing you do."
"But you were ill. She was always up
and down stairs—"
"No, she wasn't, Jane. No, she wasn't."
"Well, she had your meals to carry upstairs."
"I don't call it meals to run with a teacup.
Meals! Such meals! It's a wonder
I didn't die. She'd turn anything upside
down on a plate and something else upside
down on that, and call it a meal for
me. I was about sick, just from how she
fed me. If I said something was cooked
too dry, she emptied the tea-kettle into it
next time; and if I said anything was too
wet, she put on fresh coal and left it in
the oven over night. If I said the room
was too light, she shut it up as dark as a
pickpocket; and if I said it was too dark,
she turned the sun into my eyes. She's
my only sister and I must humor her, but
I've had a very hard time, Jane, and I
don't blame myself for waking up with my
teeth all of a chatter over the thought of
living with her again."
Jane had their breakfast ready now on
the table by the window. "Come and sit
down," she said; "we'll talk while we eat.
It's like I told you last night,—there must
be a hitch somewhere. Of course, God has
a good reason for you and Aunt Matilda
living together. He doesn't allow accidents
in His world."
"Perhaps He wasn't thinking. I can't
believe that anybody would deliberately
put anybody in the house with Matilda—not
if they knew Matilda. I didn't
know what she'd grown into myself when
she first came to take care of me, because
I was a little poorly. It was to save spending
on a nurse, you know. They're such
trying, prying things, nurses are."
"I'm a nurse, you know."
"My goodness, I didn't mean your kind;
I meant the regular kind."
Jane was laughing. "But I mustn't
laugh," she said, after a minute; "we must
go to work. Let's see if we can find out
how it all began. Didn't you and Aunt
Matilda get on nicely at first?"
Susan considered. "Well, I don't believe
we did. She was always so very
sparing. Husband was sparing, and of
course I'd had a good many years of it,
but when your husband's gone and you've
got the property yourself and have left it to
an only sister who takes care of you, you
don't like her being even more sparing,—putting
you on skim-milk right from the first and
chopping the potato peelings in the hash."
"But there must have been some good
in the situation, or it wouldn't have been.
When there's a wrong situation, the cure
lies in hunting out the good, not in talking
over the bad."
"You won't find any good in Matilda
and me living together,—not if you hunt
till Doomsday." Susan took a big sip of
coffee and then shook her head hard.
"There's good in everything."
"I don't know what it was here, then.
I was all ready to die, and the doctor said
I couldn't live, and when I found out how
Matilda was counting on it, I just made up
my mind to live just to spite her. But it's
been awful hard work."
Jane turned and seized her hand. "Well,
maybe that's the reason for the situation,
then. You see if she'd been different, you'd
have died, but being a person who made
you mad, you stayed alive."
Susan laughed a little. "I've been mad
enough, I know," she went on; "it's awful
to be up-stairs the way I've been and
have to prowl down-stairs and run off with
your food like a dog in an alley. I was
always watching till I saw Matilda over
that second fence and then racing for something
to eat. I've been very hungry often
and often, Jane, very hungry indeed,—and
in my own house, too."
The tears came into the girl's eyes.
"Poor Auntie!" she said. "Well, it's all
over now and won't ever come back. You
must believe me when I say so. Old conditions
never return. The wheel can't
turn backward. That mustn't be."
"But how'll it help it when Matilda's
visit gets over?"
Jane rested her chin on her hands and
looked out of the window. "I'll have to
get you on to a plane where you can't
live as you did ever again," she said.
"On a plane!—" Susan stared.
"A plane is a kind of grade in life. We
keep going up them like stairs, and the
quieter and happier people live, the higher
is the plane on which they are. It's very
simple, when you come to understand it.
It's sort of like a marble staircase built
out of a marsh and on up a mountain.
You can stand down in the mud, or step
higher in the reeds, or step higher in the
water (generally it's hot water," Jane
interrupted herself to say with a little
smile). "Or out on the dry earth, or
higher where it's flowers, or higher or higher.
But every time you get up a step you leave
all the mess of all the lower steps behind
you forever. Do you understand?"
"No, I don't."
"Why, don't you see that if you lift
yourself higher than your surroundings, of
course you'll have other conditions around
you and be really living another life? We
can't possibly be bound by conditions lower
than our souls. It's a law. I'll help you
to understand it, and then it will help you
to not be at all troubled over Aunt Matilda.
You'll be above her. Don't you see? One
can always get out of a disagreeable life by
lifting one's self above it."
"But I did stay up-stairs," said Susan,
with beautiful literalness. "I think it's
awful to have to keep a plane above any
one, when the whole house is yours."
"I didn't mean that," said Jane. "I
meant that mentally you must get above
her. It isn't in words or in thoughts,—you
must be above her. You must get
free. I must help you. You can do it.
Anybody can do it. And as soon as you
are free in your spirit, your life will change.
Our daily life follows our thoughts. Our
thoughts make a pattern, and life weaves
it. The world of stars that we can't
hardly grasp at all is all God's thought.
The life in this house was your thought
and Aunt Matilda's."
"It wasn't mine," said Susan quickly;
"it was hers."
"Well, it's mine now," said Jane.
"That's the true business of the Sunshine
Nurses. They must get a new thought into
a house and get it to growing well. Then
they'll leave the true sunshine there forever
after."
Susan's eyes were very curious—very
bright. "I declare I don't see how you'll
do it here," she said. "I can't look at
Matilda any new way, as I know of. Whatever
she does, she does just exactly as I
don't like it."
"I suppose that you try her, too."
"Well, I didn't die; of course she minded
that. But I couldn't die. You can't die
just to order."
"No, of course not; I didn't mean that."
Jane was quite serious. "I don't blame
you at all for not doing that."
Susan had finished and rose from the
table. "Let's leave the dishes and go
out in the yard," she said. "I'm awfully
anxious to keep on at this till we find a way
out, if you think that you can; I go about
wild when I think of her. I'm ready for
anything except staying in bed any more."
"Oh, that's all over," said Jane.
"You're off the bed-plane now, and don't
you see how much higher you've got already?
The next step is to fix yourself
so securely on this happy one that you
know that it's yours and you can't leave
it. You see, you feel able to go back down
again, and as long as you feel that way,
it's possible. One has to bar out the wrong
kind of life forever, and then of course it's
over."
"But she is coming back," said Susan,
"and I can't live any more on gobbles of
milk and cold bits swallowed while I'm
getting up-stairs three steps to the jump."
Jane looked at her. "I expect that
exercise was awfully good for you, Auntie,"
she said seriously. "You've probably gotten
a lot of health and interest out of it.
Don't forget that."
"Well, maybe; but I don't want any
more." Susan's tone was terribly earnest.
"It's all over then," said Jane, slowly
and with emphasis; "if you truly and
honestly don't want any more, then it
must be all over. The thing to do now is
to build a firm connection between ourselves
and it's being all over."
"I don't quite understand what you
mean," said Susan, "but something's got
to be done, of course, because otherwise
she'll come home, and oh, my, her face
when she sees me up and around!"
Jane knit her brows. "You see, Auntie,"
she said slowly, "there's only one thing to
do. We've got to change ourselves completely;
we've to get where we want her
to come home and where we look forward
to it—"
Susan stopped short and lifted up both
hands. "Gracious, we can't ever do that!
It isn't in humanity."
"Yes, we can do it," said Jane firmly;
"people can always do anything that they
can think out, and if we can think this out
straight, we can do it."
"How?"
"It isn't easy to see in just the first
minute, but I understand the principle of
it and I know that we can work it, for
I've seen it done. You do it by getting
an entirely new atmosphere into the house."
"But you've done that already," interrupted
Susan. "It isn't musty anywhere
any more, and there's such a kind
of a happy smell instead."
"I don't mean that kind of an atmosphere.
I mean a change of feeling in ourselves.
We've got to somehow make ourselves
all over; we must really and truly
be different."
"But I am made over, and you were all
right, anyhow."
"No, I'm not all right," said Jane firmly.
"I'm very wrong. I'm letting silly
thoughts with which I've no business torment
me dreadfully, and I'm not driving
them out with any kind of resolution.
Then we're both doing wrong about Aunt
Matilda. We're making a narrow little
black box of our opinion and crowding her
into it all the time. There's nothing so
dreadful as the way families just chain
one another to their faults. Outsiders
see all the nice things, and we have lots
of courage to always live up to their opinions,
but families spend most of their
time just nailing those they love best into
pretty little limits. You and I are so
happy together, and we're changing ourselves
and one another every day, but we
never think that Aunt Matilda's also having
experience and changing herself, too.
We kind of forbid her to grow better."
"You won't find anything that will
change Matilda very quick, Jane. She's
a dreadful person to stick to habits; she's
drunk out of the blue cup and give me the
green one for these whole five years."
"The change in the atmosphere of the
house," said Jane slowly, "must be complete.
We must never say one more word
about her that isn't nice, and we mustn't
even think unkind thoughts. We must
talk about her lots and look forward to
her coming back—"
"Oh, heavens, I can't," gasped Susan.
"We'll begin to-day on her room—"
"Then you'll make her madder than a
hatter, sure; she can't bear to have her
room touched."
"I'm going to make it the prettiest room
in the house," said Jane resolutely. "I'm
going to brush and clean and mend and fix
all those clothes she's left hanging up, and
I'm going to love her dearly from now on."
Susan sat still, her lips moving slightly,
but whether with repressed feeling or
trembling sentiment it would be impossible
to say. "She looked awful cute
when she was little and wore pantalettes,"
she said finally.
"Bravo!" cried Jane, running to her
and kissing her. "There's a fine victory
for you, and now,"—her face brightening
suddenly,—"I've got an idea of what we
can do to lift us right straight up into a
new circle of life. What do you say to
our making the little back parlor over
into a bedroom, and—"
"—taking Mr. Rath to board?" cried
Susan joyfully. "Oh, I am sure that he
wanted to come all along."
Jane laughed outright. "No, indeed,
the very idea! No, what I thought of
was inviting that poor old Mrs. Croft here
for a week and giving her and her daughter-in-law
a rest from one another."
Susan gave a sharp little yell. "Why,
Jane Grey, I never heard the beat!
Why, she can't even feed herself!"
"It would be a way to change the atmosphere
of the house; it's just the kind of
thing that would change us all—"
"I should think it would change us all,"
interrupted Susan; "why, she threw a
cup of tea at Katie's back last week. Katie
said she couldn't possibly imagine what
had come over her,—she was leaning out
to hook the blinds."
"It would be a Bible-lovely thing to do,"
Jane went on slowly. "You or I could
feed her, and I'd take care of her. I'm
a nurse, you know!"
"Jane! Well, you beat all! Well, I
never did! Old Mrs. Croft. Why, they
say you might as well be gentle with a
hornet."
"Maybe she has her reasons; maybe it's,—Set
a hornet to tend a hornet, for all we
know. Anyway, it's come to me as some
good to do, and when I think of any good
that I can do, I have to do it,—else it's
a sin. That's my religion."
"That religion of yours'll get you into
a lot of hot water along through life."
Susan's tone was very grave. "And you've
never seen old Mrs. Croft, or you'd never
speak of her and religion in the same
breath. They've got a cat she caresses,
and some days she caresses it for all she's
worth. I've heard the cat being caressed
when it was quiet, myself, many's the
time. You can't use that religion of yours
on old Mrs. Croft; she isn't a subject for
religion. She's one of that kind that the
man in the Bible thanked God he wasn't
one of them."
"My religion is what brought me here
to you," said Jane gently. "You aren't
really sorry that I learned it, are you,
Auntie?"
Susan's eyes moistened quickly. She
gasped, then swallowed, then made up her
mind. "Well, Sunshine Jane," she said
resignedly, "when shall we get her?"
"We'll put her room in order to-morrow
morning, and I'll go and ask her in the
afternoon."
"Oh, dear!" said Susan, with a world of
meaning in the two syllables. "I hope
she'll enjoy the change."
Jane laughed. "Goodness, Auntie, I
never saw any one pick up new ideas as
quick as you do. I was months learning
how to make myself over, and you do it in
just a few hours. You must have laid a
big foundation of self-control up there in
bed."
Susan sighed, uncheered. "It kept me
pretty sharp, I tell you," she said; "when
you're always hungry and have to get
your food on the sly and be positively sure
of never being found out, it does keep you
in trim being spry pretty steady."
"May we come in?" asked voices at
the gate. It was Lorenzo Rath and Madeleine.
"We wanted to see how you were
getting on to-day," the latter called.
"We've been changing the furniture and
the atmosphere," said Susan, trying bravely
to smile. "Jane is turning everything
around and bringing the bright new side
out."
"If you'll come and help me wash the
breakfast dishes and then make biscuits,"
Jane said to Madeleine, "I'll ask you both
to lunch."
"I want to learn how to do everything,
of course," said Madeleine.
"And why shouldn't we go down to the
garden?" suggested Lorenzo to Susan.
"You'll point out the things you want
to-day, and I'll pull 'em up."
"But there are fences to climb," said
Jane.
"Fiddle for fences," said her aunt;
"he'll go ahead, and I'll skim over 'em like
a squirrel. I never made anything of
fences."
So they divided the labor.
"The house looks so pretty," said Madeleine,
as she and Jane went through to the
kitchen. "How do you ever manage it,—with
just the same things, too?"
Jane glanced about. "Why, there's a
right place for everything, and if you just
stand back a bit and let the things have
time to think, they'll tell you where to put
them. There was an old blue vase in the
dining-room that was pretty weak-minded,
but I was patient and carried it all over
the place till finally it was suited on top of
the what-not in the corner of the hall.
The trouble with most things is that we
hurry them too much at first, and then we
don't help them out of their false position
later."
"Oh, Jane, you are so delightfully quaint.
You must tell Mr. Rath that. It's the
kind of speech that will just charm the
soul right out of an artist."
Jane was deep in the flour-bin. "But
I don't want to charm his soul. I'll leave
that to you."
"To me! Why, he doesn't care a rap
about me."
"Well, then, to Emily Mead."
"Emily Mead! Oh, my dear, you have
put a lot of new ideas into her head! She
says that you told her that any one could
get anything that he or she wanted."
"And so they can."
"Suppose she wants Mr. Rath?"
"If she wants him in the right way,
she'll have him."
"I don't like that way of speaking of
men," said Madeleine, dipping her white
fingers into the flour and beginning to chip
the butter through it. "Don't you think
it's horrid how girls speak of men nowadays?
I do."
"Of course I do," said Jane. "But one
drops into the habit just because everybody
does it. I'll never be married myself,
and it's partly because I think it's all
being so dragged down. Instead of two
people's knowing one another and liking
one another better till finally a big, beautiful,
holy secret sort of dawns on them
and makes the world all over new, girls
just go on and act as if men were wild
animals to be hunted and caught and
talked about, or married and made fun
of. I don't think all these new ideas
and new ways for women have made
women a bit more womanly. When I had
to earn my living, I picked out work that
a man couldn't do, and that I wouldn't
be hurting any man by doing. I'm sorry
for men nowadays. And I think women
lose a lot the way some of them go on."
"After all, there can't be anything nicer
than to be a woman, can there?" said
Madeleine, stirring as the other poured in
ingredients. "I've always been glad that
I was a woman. I think that a woman's
life is so sweet, and it's beautiful to be protected
and cared for." The pink flew over
her cheeks at the words.
Jane's lashes swept downward for a
minute, then rose resolutely. "Or to protect
and care for others. It always seems
to me as if a woman was the sort of blessed
way through which a man's love and
strength and care go to his children. Men
are so helpless with children, but they do
such a lot for wives, and then the mothers
pass it on to the little ones."
"Life's lovely when you think of it
rightly, isn't it?" Madeleine said thoughtfully.
"I'm so pleased over having come
here. You see Father and Mother wanted
me to spend a few weeks quietly where I
could rest and pick myself up a little, and
so they sent me here. I didn't care much
about coming, but I'm glad now. You're
doing me lots of good, Jane; you seem to
help me to unlock the doors to everything
that's just best in me."
"It isn't that I do it," said Jane; "it's
that it's been done to me, and after it got
through me, it's bound to shine on. It's
like light; every window you clean lets it
through into another place, where maybe
there's something else to clean and let it
through again."
"I suppose we just live to keep clean and
let light through," laughed Madeleine,
cutting out the biscuits.
"That's all."
"I think that you'd make a good
preacher, Jane; you've such nice, plain,
homely, understandable ways of putting
things."
Jane laughed and popped the pan into
the oven. "Come and help lay the table,"
she said. "Oh, you never saw anything
as sweet as Aunt Susan's joy in her own
things. She's like a little child at Christmas.
It's a kind of coming back to life
for her."
"They say that her sister was awfully
mean to her."
"But she wasn't at all. She thought
that she was sicker than she was, and she
kept her in bed, and the joke of it was that
Aunt Susan didn't like to hurt her feelings
by letting her see what mistaken ideas she
had, so she hopped up every time the coast
was clear and kept lively and interested
trying to be about and in bed at once."
"How perfectly delightful! I never
heard anything so funny. And then you
came and discovered the truth."
"Well, I didn't want her to stay in bed.
I'd never encourage any one in a false
belief, but she hadn't the belief,—she had
only the false appearance. She didn't
enjoy being an invalid one bit."
"I think it's too droll," said Madeleine.
"Didn't you laugh when it dawned on you
first?"
"It dawned on me rather sadly. But we
laugh together now."
"What will she do when her sister comes
back?"
"Oh, that will all come out nicely. I
don't know just how, but I know that it
will come out all right."
"Do you always have faith in things
coming out rightly?"
"Always. I wouldn't dare not to. I'm
one of those people who kind of feel the
future as it draws near, and so I wouldn't
allow myself to feel any mean future drawing
near, on principle. I always feel that
nice things are marching straight towards
me as fast as ever the band of music plays."
"Do you believe that it really makes any
difference?"
"Of course it makes a difference. It
makes all the difference in the world, because
hope's a rope by which any good
thing can haul you right up to it, hand
over hand."
"You give me a lot to think about,"
said Madeleine.
Jane ran out and picked some ivy leaves
to place under the vase of flowers in the
middle of the table. It made a little green
mat. "There; we're all ready when they
come, now," she said.
Presently they did come.
"Oh, what will Mrs. Cowmull say to
this!" said Lorenzo, as he pulled out Mrs.
Ralston's chair. "She's busy marking passages
in The Seven Lamps of Architecture
to read aloud to me while I eat, and now
I shan't show up at all."
"Have you seen her niece lately?"
asked Madeleine.
"Yes, I saw her this morning. She
wants to pose for me, only she stipulated
that she should wear clothes. I told her
that my models all wore thick wool and
only showed a little of their faces. She
didn't seem to like that."
"But what did you mean? Surely you
don't always have them wear thick
woolen?"
"I just do. If they haven't thick wool
on, I won't paint them at all."
"What do you mean?"
"Why, I paint sheep."
The mild little joke met with great favor.
"I think you're a very clever young
man," Susan said with great sincerity. "To
think of me having a good time laughing
with a sheep painter," she added. "Who
holds them for you to paint, and do you
set them afterwards?"
"I paint them right in the fields," said
Lorenzo.
"I should think they'd butt you from
behind."
"I paint over a fence."
"Well, that's safe," said Jane's aunt.
"If you're careful not to be on the side
where there's a bull."
After supper Madeleine helped Jane wash
the dishes.
"What fun you make out of everything,"
she said.
"It's the only way," Jane answered.
"My mission is to make two sunbeams
shine where only one slanted."
"I'm glad I'm one of the heathen to
whom you were sent," said Madeleine
affectionately.
Jane put her arm around her. "So am
I, dear, very glad."
Madeleine laid her face against the other
girl's. "Some day I want to tell you a
secret," she said; "a secret that Lorenzo
told me yesterday."
Jane felt her heart sort of skip a beat.
"Do tell me," she said in a whisper.
"I can't now," said Madeleine. "I
want to be all alone with you. It's too—too
big a secret to bear to be broken in
upon."
"Can you come to-morrow afternoon?
Auntie's going to Mrs. Mead's to the Sewing
Society, and I'll be here alone."
"That will be nice," said Madeleine;
"yes, I'll come."