Persons
Hyacinth Halvey.
James Quirke, a butcher.
Fardy Farrell, a telegraph boy.
Sergeant Carden.
Mrs. Delane, Postmistress at Cloon.
Miss Joyce, the Priest’s House-keeper.
HYACINTH HALVEY
Scene: Outside the Post Office at the little town of
Cloon. Mrs. Delane at Post Office door. Mr.
Quirke sitting on a chair at butcher’s door. A
dead sheep hanging beside it, and a thrush in a
cage above. Fardy Farrell playing on a mouth
organ. Train whistle heard.
Mrs. Delane: There is the four o’clock train,
Mr. Quirke.
Mr. Quirke: Is it now, Mrs. Delane, and I
not long after rising? It makes a man drowsy
to be doing the half of his work in the night time.
Going about the country, looking for little stags of
sheep, striving to knock a few shillings together.
That contract for the soldiers gives me a great deal
to attend to.
Mrs. Delane: I suppose so. It’s hard enough
on myself to be down ready for the mail car in the
morning, sorting letters in the half dark. It’s
often I haven’t time to look who are the letters
from—or the cards.
Mr. Quirke: It would be a pity you not to
know any little news might be knocking about.
If you did not have information of what is going
on who should have it? Was it you, ma’am, was
telling me that the new Sub-Sanitary Inspector
would be arriving to-day?
Mrs. Delane: To-day it is he is coming, and
it’s likely he was in that train. There was a card
about him to Sergeant Carden this morning.
Mr. Quirke: A young chap from Carrow they
were saying he was.
Mrs. Delane: So he is, one Hyacinth Halvey;
and indeed if all that is said of him is true, or if a
quarter of it is true, he will be a credit to this town.
Mr. Quirke: Is that so?
Mrs. Delane: Testimonials he has by the score.
To Father Gregan they were sent. Registered
they were coming and going. Would you believe
me telling you that they weighed up to three
pounds?
Mr. Quirke: There must be great bulk in
them indeed.
Mrs. Delane: It is no wonder he to get the
job. He must have a great character so many
persons to write for him as what there did.
Fardy: It would be a great thing to have a
character like that.
Mrs. Delane: Indeed I am thinking it will be
long before you will get the like of it, Fardy Farrell.
Fardy: If I had the like of that of a character
it is not here carrying messages I would be. It’s
in Noonan’s Hotel I would be, driving cars.
Mr. Quirke: Here is the priest’s housekeeper
coming.
Mrs. Delane: So she is; and there is the Sergeant
a little while after her.
(Enter Miss Joyce.)
Mrs. Delane: Good-evening to you, Miss
Joyce. What way is his Reverence to-day? Did
he get any ease from the cough?
Miss Joyce: He did not indeed, Mrs. Delane.
He has it sticking to him yet. Smothering he
is in the night time. The most thing he comes
short in is the voice.
Mrs. Delane: I am sorry, now, to hear that.
He should mind himself well.
Miss Joyce: It’s easy to say let him mind
himself. What do you say to him going to the
meeting to-night? (Sergeant comes in.) It’s for
his Reverence’s Freeman I am come, Mrs. Delane.
Mrs. Delane: Here it is ready. I was just
throwing an eye on it to see was there any news.
Good-evening, Sergeant.
Sergeant: (Holding up a placard.) I brought this
notice, Mrs. Delane, the announcement of the
meeting to be held to-night in the Courthouse.
You might put it up here convenient to the window.
I hope you are coming to it yourself?
Mrs. Delane: I will come, and welcome. I
would do more than that for you, Sergeant.
Sergeant: And you, Mr. Quirke.
Mr. Quirke: I’ll come, to be sure. I forget
what’s this the meeting is about.
Sergeant: The Department of Agriculture is
sending round a lecturer in furtherance of the
moral development of the rural classes. (Reads.)
“A lecture will be given this evening in Cloon
Courthouse, illustrated by magic lantern slides—”
Those will not be in it; I am informed they were
all broken in the first journey, the railway company
taking them to be eggs. The subject of the lecture
is “The Building of Character.”
Mrs. Delane: Very nice, indeed. I knew a
girl lost her character, and she washed her feet
in a blessed well after, and it dried up on the
minute.
Sergeant: The arrangements have all been
left to me, the Archdeacon being away. He
knows I have a good intellect for things of the
sort. But the loss of those slides puts a man out.
The thing people will not see it is not likely it
is the thing they will believe. I saw what they
call tableaux—standing pictures, you know—one
time in Dundrum——
Mrs. Delane: Miss Joyce was saying Father
Gregan is supporting you.
Sergeant: I am accepting his assistance. No
bigotry about me when there is a question of
the welfare of any fellow-creatures. Orange and
green will stand together to-night. I myself
and the station-master on the one side; your
parish priest in the chair.
Miss Joyce: If his Reverence would mind me
he would not quit the house to-night. He is
no more fit to go speak at a meeting than (pointing
to the one hanging outside Quirke’s door) that sheep.
Sergeant: I am willing to take the responsibility.
He will have no speaking to do at all,
unless it might be to bid them give the lecturer
a hearing. The loss of those slides now is a great
annoyance to me—and no time for anything.
The lecturer will be coming by the next train.
Miss Joyce: Who is this coming up the street,
Mrs. Delane?
Mrs. Delane: I wouldn’t doubt it to be the
new Sub-Sanitary Inspector. Was I telling you
of the weight of the testimonials he got, Miss
Joyce?
Miss Joyce: Sure I heard the curate reading
them to his Reverence. He must be a wonder
for principles.
Mrs. Delane: Indeed it is what I was saying to
myself, he must be a very saintly young man.
(Enter Hyacinth Halvey. He carries a small
bag and a large brown paper parcel. He
stops and nods bashfully.)
Hyacinth: Good-evening to you. I was bid
to come to the post office——
Sergeant: I suppose you are Hyacinth Halvey?
I had a letter about you from the Resident Magistrate.
Hyacinth: I heard he was writing. It was my
mother got a friend he deals with to ask him.
Sergeant: He gives you a very high character.
Hyacinth: It is very kind of him indeed, and
he not knowing me at all. But indeed all the
neighbours were very friendly. Anything any
one could do to help me they did it.
Mrs. Delane: I’ll engage it is the testimonals
you have in your parcel? I know the wrapping
paper, but they grew in bulk since I handled
them.
Hyacinth: Indeed I was getting them to the
last. There was not one refused me. It is what
my mother was saying, a good character is no
burden.
Fardy: I would believe that indeed.
Sergeant: Let us have a look at the testimonials.
(Hyacinth Halvey opens parcel, and a large number
of envelopes fall out.)
Sergeant: (Opening and reading one by one).
“He possesses the fire of the Gael, the strength
of the Norman, the vigour of the Dane, the stolidity
of the Saxon”——
Hyacinth: It was the Chairman of the Poor
Law Guardians wrote that.
Sergeant: “A magnificent example to old and
young”——
Hyacinth: That was the Secretary of the DeWet
Hurling Club——
Sergeant: “A shining example of the value
conferred by an eminently careful and high class
education”——
Hyacinth: That was the National Schoolmaster.
Sergeant: “Devoted to the highest ideals of
his Mother-land to such an extent as is compatible
with a hitherto non-parliamentary career”——
Hyacinth: That was the Member for Carrow.
Sergeant: “A splendid exponent of the purity
of the race”——
Hyacinth: The Editor of the Carrow Champion.
Sergeant: “Admirably adapted for the efficient
discharge of all possible duties that may in future
be laid upon him”——
Hyacinth: The new Station-master.
Sergeant: “A champion of every cause that
can legitimately benefit his fellow-creatures”—— Why,
look here, my man, you are the very one
to come to our assistance to-night.
Hyacinth: I would be glad to do that. What
way can I do it?
Sergeant: You are a newcomer—your example
would carry weight—you must stand up as a living
proof of the beneficial effect of a high character,
moral fibre, temperance—there is something
about it here I am sure—(Looks.) I am sure I
saw “unparalleled temperance” in some place——
Hyacinth: It was my mother’s cousin wrote
that—I am no drinker, but I haven’t the pledge
taken——
Sergeant: You might take it for the purpose.
Mr. Quirke: (Eagerly.) Here is an anti-treating
button. I was made a present of it by one of my
customers—I’ll give it to you (sticks it in Hyacinth’s
coat) and welcome.
Sergeant: That is it. You can wear the button
on the platform—or a bit of blue ribbon—hundreds
will follow your example—I know the boys from the
Workhouse will——
Hyacinth: I am in no way wishful to be an
example——
Sergeant: I will read extracts from the testimonials.
“There he is,” I will say, “an example
of one in early life who by his own unaided efforts
and his high character has obtained a profitable
situation”—(Slaps his side.) I know what I’ll
do. I’ll engage a few corner-boys from Noonan’s
bar, just as they are, greasy and sodden, to stand
in a group—there will be the contrast—The
sight will deter others from a similar fate—That’s
the way to do a tableau—I knew I could
turn out a success.
Hyacinth: I wouldn’t like to be a contrast—-
Sergeant: (Puts testimonials in his pocket.) I
will go now and engage those lads—sixpence
each, and well worth it—Nothing like an example
for the rural classes.
(Goes off, Hyacinth feebly trying to detain
him.)
Mrs. Delane: A very nice man indeed. A little
high up in himself, may be. I’m not one that
blames the police. Sure they have their own
bread to earn like every other one. And indeed it
is often they will let a thing pass.
Mr. Quirke: (Gloomily.) Sometimes they will,
and more times they will not.
Miss Joyce: And where will you be finding a
lodging, Mr. Halvey?
Hyacinth: I was going to ask that myself,
ma’am. I don’t know the town.
Miss Joyce: I know of a good lodging, but it
is only a very good man would be taken into it.
Mrs. Delane: Sure there could be no objection
there to Mr. Halvey. There is no appearance
on him but what is good, and the Sergeant
after taking him up the way he is doing.
Miss Joyce: You will be near to the Sergeant
in the lodging I speak of. The house is convenient
to the barracks.
Hyacinth: (Doubtfully.) To the barracks?
Miss Joyce: Alongside of it and the barrack
yard behind. And that’s not all. It is opposite
to the priest’s house.
Hyacinth: Opposite, is it?
Miss Joyce: A very respectable place, indeed,
and a very clean room you will get. I know it
well. The curate can see into it from his window.
Hyacinth: Can he now?
Fardy: There was a good many, I am thinking,
went into that lodging and left it after.
Miss Joyce: (Sharply.) It is a lodging you will
never be let into or let stop in, Fardy. If they
did go they were a good riddance.
Fardy: John Hart, the plumber, left it——
Miss Joyce: If he did it was because he dared
not pass the police coming in, as he used, with a
rabbit he was after snaring in his hand.
Fardy: The schoolmaster himself left it.
Miss Joyce: He needn’t have left it if he hadn’t
taken to card-playing. What way could you say
your prayers, and shadows shuffling and dealing
before you on the blind?
Hyacinth: I think maybe I’d best look around
a bit before I’ll settle in a lodging——
Miss Joyce: Not at all. You won’t be wanting
to pull down the blind.
Mrs. Delane: It is not likely you will be snaring
rabbits.
Miss Joyce: Or bringing in a bottle and taking
an odd glass the way James Kelly did.
Mrs. Delane: Or writing threatening notices,
and the police taking a view of you from the rear.
Miss Joyce: Or going to roadside dances, or
running after good-for-nothing young girls——
Hyacinth: I give you my word I’m not so
harmless as you think.
Mrs. Delane: Would you be putting a lie on
these, Mr. Halvey? (Touching testimonials.) I
know well the way you will be spending the evenings,
writing letters to your relations——
Miss Joyce: Learning O’Growney’s exercises——
Mrs. Delane: Sticking post cards in an album
for the convent bazaar.
Miss Joyce: Reading the Catholic Young
Man——
Mrs. Delane: Playing the melodies on a
melodeon——
Miss Joyce: Looking at the pictures in the
Lives of the Saints. I’ll hurry on and engage
the room for you.
Hyacinth: Wait. Wait a minute——
Miss Joyce: No trouble at all. I told you it
was just opposite. (Goes.)
Mr. Quirke: I suppose I must go upstairs
and ready myself for the meeting. If it wasn’t
for the contract I have for the soldiers’ barracks
and the Sergeant’s good word, I wouldn’t go
anear it. (Goes into shop.)
Mrs. Delane: I should be making myself ready
too. I must be in good time to see you being
made an example of, Mr. Halvey. It is I myself
was the first to say it; you will be a credit to the
town. (Goes.)
Hyacinth: (In a tone of agony.) I wish I had
never seen Cloon.
Fardy: What is on you?
Hyacinth: I wish I had never left Carrow.
I wish I had been drowned the first day I thought
of it, and I’d be better off.
Fardy: What is it ails you?
Hyacinth: I wouldn’t for the best pound ever
I had be in this place to-day.
Fardy: I don’t know what you are talking about.
Hyacinth: To have left Carrow, if it was a
poor place, where I had my comrades, and an
odd spree, and a game of cards—and a coursing
match coming on, and I promised a new greyhound
from the city of Cork. I’ll die in this place,
the way I am. I’ll be too much closed in.
Fardy: Sure it mightn’t be as bad as what you
think.
Hyacinth: Will you tell me, I ask you, what
way can I undo it?
Fardy: What is it you are wanting to undo?
Hyacinth: Will you tell me what way can I
get rid of my character?
Fardy: To get rid of it, is it?
Hyacinth: That is what I said. Aren’t you
after hearing the great character they are after
putting on me?
Fardy: That is a good thing to have.
Hyacinth: It is not. It’s the worst in the
world. If I hadn’t it, I wouldn’t be like a prize
mangold at a show with every person praising
me.
Fardy: If I had it, I wouldn’t be like a head
in a barrel, with every person making hits at me.
Hyacinth: If I hadn’t it, I wouldn’t be shoved
into a room with all the clergy watching me and
the police in the back yard.
Fardy: If I had it, I wouldn’t be but a message-carrier
now, and a clapper scaring birds in the
summer time.
Hyacinth: If I hadn’t it, I wouldn’t be wearing
this button and brought up for an example at
the meeting.
Fardy: (Whistles.) Maybe you’re not, so, what
those papers make you out to be?
Hyacinth: How would I be what they make
me out to be? Was there ever any person of that
sort since the world was a world, unless it might
be Saint Antony of Padua looking down from the
chapel wall? If it is like that I was, isn’t it in
Mount Melleray I would be, or with the Friars
at Esker? Why would I be living in the world at
all, or doing the world’s work?
Fardy: (Taking up parcel.) Who would think,
now, there would be so much lies in a small place
like Carrow?
Hyacinth: It was my mother’s cousin did it.
He said I was not reared for labouring—he gave
me a new suit and bid me never to come back
again. I daren’t go back to face him—the neighbours
knew my mother had a long family—bad
luck to them the day they gave me these. (Tears
letters and scatters them.) I’m done with testimonials.
They won’t be here to bear witness against
me.
Fardy: The Sergeant thought them to be
great. Sure he has the samples of them in his
pocket. There’s not one in the town but will
know before morning that you are the next thing
to an earthly saint.
Hyacinth: (Stamping.) I’ll stop their mouths.
I’ll show them I can be a terror for badness. I’ll
do some injury. I’ll commit some crime. The
first thing I’ll do I’ll go and get drunk. If I never
did it before I’ll do it now. I’ll get drunk—then
I’ll make an assault—I tell you I’d think as little
of taking a life as of blowing out a candle.
Fardy: If you get drunk you are done for.
Sure that will be held up after as an excuse for
any breaking of the law.
Hyacinth: I will break the law. Drunk or
sober I’ll break it. I’ll do something that will
have no excuse. What would you say is the worst
crime that any man can do?
Fardy: I don’t know. I heard the Sergeant
saying one time it was to obstruct the police in
the discharge of their duty——
Hyacinth: That won’t do. It’s a patriot I
would be then, worse than before, with my picture
in the weeklies. It’s a red crime I must commit
that will make all respectable people quit minding
me. What can I do? Search your mind now.
Fardy: It’s what I heard the old people saying
there could be no worse crime than to steal a
sheep——
Hyacinth: I’ll steal a sheep—or a cow—or a
horse—if that will leave me the way I was before.
Fardy: It’s maybe in gaol it will leave you.
Hyacinth: I don’t care—I’ll confess—I’ll tell why
I did it—I give you my word I would as soon be
picking oakum or breaking stones as to be perched
in the daylight the same as that bird, and all the
town chirruping to me or bidding me chirrup——
Fardy: There is reason in that, now.
Hyacinth: Help me, will you?
Fardy: Well, if it is to steal a sheep you want,
you haven’t far to go.
Hyacinth: (Looking round wildly.) Where is it?
I see no sheep.
Fardy: Look around you.
Hyacinth: I see no living thing but that
thrush——
Fardy: Did I say it was living? What is that
hanging on Quirke’s rack?
Hyacinth: It’s (fingers it) a sheep, sure
enough——
Fardy: Well, what ails you that you can’t
bring it away?
Hyacinth: It’s a dead one——
Fardy: What matter if it is?
Hyacinth: If it was living I could drive it
before me——
Fardy: You could. Is it to your own lodging
you would drive it? Sure everyone would take
it to be a pet you brought from Carrow.
Hyacinth: I suppose they might.
Fardy: Miss Joyce sending in for news of it
and it bleating behind the bed.
Hyacinth: (Distracted). Stop! stop!
Mrs. Delane: (From upper window.) Fardy!
Are you there, Fardy Farrell?
Fardy: I am, ma’am.
Mrs. Delane: (From window.) Look and tell me
is that the telegraph I hear ticking?
Fardy: (Looking in at door.) It is, ma’am.
Mrs. Delane: Then botheration to it, and I
not dressed or undressed. Wouldn’t you say,
now, it’s to annoy me it is calling me down. I’m
coming! I’m coming! (Disappears.)
Fardy: Hurry on, now! hurry! She’ll be
coming out on you. If you are going to do it,
do it, and if you are not, let it alone.
Hyacinth: I’ll do it! I’ll do it!
Fardy: (Lifting the sheep on his back.) I’ll give
you a hand with it.
Hyacinth: (Goes a step or two and turns round.)
You told me no place where I could hide it.
Fardy: You needn’t go far. There is the
church beyond at the side of the Square. Go
round to the ditch behind the wall—there’s nettles in it.
Hyacinth: That’ll do.
Fardy: She’s coming out—run! run!
Hyacinth: (Runs a step or two.) It’s slipping!
Fardy: Hoist it up! I’ll give it a hoist! (Halvey
runs out.)
Mrs. Delane: (Calling out.) What are you doing
Fardy Farrell? Is it idling you are?
Fardy: Waiting I am, ma’am, for the message——
Mrs. Delane: Never mind the message yet.
Who said it was ready? (Going to door.) Go ask
for the loan of—no, but ask news of—Here, now
go bring that bag of Mr. Halvey’s to the lodging
Miss Joyce has taken——
Fardy: I will, ma’am. (Takes bag and goes out.)
Mrs. Delane: (Coming out with a telegram in her
hand.) Nobody here? (Looks round and calls
cautiously.) Mr. Quirke! Mr. Quirke! James
Quirke!
Mr. Quirke: (Looking out of his upper window
with soap-suddy face). What is it, Mrs. Delane?
Mrs. Delane: (Beckoning.) Come down here
till I tell you.
Mr. Quirke: I cannot do that. I’m not fully
shaved.
Mrs. Delane: You’d come if you knew the
news I have.
Mr. Quirke: Tell it to me now. I’m not so
supple as I was.
Mrs. Delane: Whisper now, have you an
enemy in any place?
Mr. Quirke: It’s likely I may have. A man
in business——
Mrs. Delane: I was thinking you had one.
Mr. Quirke: Why would you think that at
this time more than any other time?
Mrs. Delane: If you could know what is in
this envelope you would know that, James Quirke.
Mr. Quirke: Is that so? And what, now, is
there in it?
Mrs. Delane: Who do you think now is it
addressed to?
Mr. Quirke: How would I know that, and I
not seeing it?
Mrs. Delane: That is true. Well, it is a message
from Dublin Castle to the Sergeant of Police!
Mr. Quirke: To Sergeant Carden, is it?
Mrs. Delane: It is. And it concerns yourself.
Mr. Quirke: Myself, is it? What accusation can
they be bringing against me? I’m a peaceable man.
Mrs. Delane: Wait till you hear.
Mr. Quirke: Maybe they think I was in that moonlighting case——
Mrs. Delane: That is not it——
Mr. Quirke: I was not in it—I was but in the
neighbouring field—cutting up a dead cow, that
those never had a hand in——
Mrs. Delane: You’re out of it——
Mr. Quirke: They had their faces blackened.
There is no man can say I recognized them.
Mrs. Delane: That’s not what they’re saying——
Mr. Quirke: I’ll swear I did not hear their
voices or know them if I did hear them.
Mrs. Delane: I tell you it has nothing to do
with that. It might be better for you if it had.
Mr. Quirke: What is it, so?
Mrs. Delane: It is an order to the Sergeant
bidding him immediately to seize all suspicious
meat in your house. There is an officer coming
down. There are complaints from the Shannon Fort Barracks.
Mr. Quirke: I’ll engage it was that pork.
Mrs. Delane: What ailed it for them to find fault?
Mr. Quirke: People are so hard to please
nowadays, and I recommended them to salt it.
Mrs. Delane: They had a right to have minded your advice.
Mr. Quirke: There was nothing on that pig
at all but that it went mad on poor O’Grady that owned it.
Mrs. Delane: So I heard, and went killing all before it.
Mr. Quirke: Sure it’s only in the brain madness
can be. I heard the doctor saying that.
Mrs. Delane: He should know.
Mr. Quirke: I give you my word I cut the
head off it. I went to the loss of it, throwing
it to the eels in the river. If they had salted the
meat, as I advised them, what harm would it
have done to any person on earth?
Mrs. Delane: I hope no harm will come on
poor Mrs. Quirke and the family.
Mr. Quirke: Maybe it wasn’t that but some
other thing——
Mrs. Delane: Here is Fardy. I must send the
message to the Sergeant. Well, Mr. Quirke,
I’m glad I had the time to give you a warning.
Mr. Quirke: I’m obliged to you, indeed. You
were always very neighbourly, Mrs. Delane. Don’t
be too quick now sending the message. There is
just one article I would like to put away out of the
house before the Sergeant will come. (Enter Fardy.)
Mrs. Delane: Here now, Fardy—that’s not
the way you’re going to the barracks. Anyone
would think you were scaring birds yet. Put on
your uniform. (Fardy goes into office.) You
have this message to bring to the Sergeant of
Police. Get your cap now, it’s under the counter.
(Fardy reappears, and she gives him telegram.)
Fardy: I’ll bring it to the station. It’s there he was going.
Mrs. Delane: You will not, but to the barracks.
It can wait for him there.
(Fardy goes off. Mr. Quirke has appeared at door.)
Mr. Quirke: It was indeed a very neighbourly
act, Mrs. Delane, and I’m obliged to you. There
is just one article to put out of the way. The
Sergeant may look about him then and welcome.
It’s well I cleared the premises on yesterday. A
consignment to Birmingham I sent. The Lord
be praised isn’t England a terrible country with all it consumes?
Mrs. Delane: Indeed you always treat the
neighbours very decent, Mr. Quirke, not asking
them to buy from you.
Mr. Quirke: Just one article. (Turns to rack.)
That sheep I brought in last night. It was for
a charity indeed I bought it from the widow
woman at Kiltartan Cross. Where would the
poor make a profit out of their dead meat without
me? Where now is it? Well, now, I could have
swore that that sheep was hanging there on the
rack when I went in——
Mrs. Delane: You must have put it in some
other place.
Mr. Quirke: (Going in and searching and
coming out.) I did not; there is no other place for me to
put it. Is it gone blind I am, or is it not in it, it is?
Mrs. Delane: It’s not there now anyway.
Mr. Quirke: Didn’t you take notice of it
there yourself this morning?
Mrs. Delane: I have it in my mind that I did;
but it’s not there now.
Mr. Quirke: There was no one here could bring it away?
Mrs. Delane: Is it me myself you suspect of
taking it, James Quirke?
Mr. Quirke: Where is it at all? It is certain
it was not of itself it walked away. It was dead,
and very dead, the time I bought it.
Mrs. Delane: I have a pleasant neighbour
indeed that accuses me that I took his sheep.
I wonder, indeed, you to say a thing like that!
I to steal your sheep or your rack or anything
that belongs to you or to your trade! Thank
you, James Quirke. I am much obliged to you indeed.
Mr. Quirke: Ah, be quiet, woman; be quiet——
Mrs. Delane: And let me tell you, James
Quirke, that I would sooner starve and see everyone
belonging to me starve than to eat the size
of a thimble of any joint that ever was on your
rack or that ever will be on it, whatever the soldiers
may eat that have no other thing to get, or the
English that devour all sorts, or the poor ravenous
people that’s down by the sea! (She turns to go
into shop.)
Mr. Quirke: (Stopping her.) Don’t be talking
foolishness, woman. Who said you took my meat?
Give heed to me now. There must some other
message have come. The Sergeant must have got
some other message.
Mrs. Delane: (Sulkily.) If there is any way for a
message to come that is quicker than to come by
the wires, tell me what it is and I’ll be obliged to you.
Mr. Quirke: The Sergeant was up here making
an excuse he was sticking up that notice. What
was he doing here, I ask you?
Mrs. Delane: How would I know what brought him?
Mr. Quirke: It is what he did; he made as if
to go away—he turned back again and I shaving—he
brought away the sheep—he will have it for
evidence against me——
Mrs. Delane: (Interested.) That might be so.
Mr. Quirke: I would sooner it to have been
any other beast nearly ever I had upon the rack.
Mrs. Delane: Is that so?
Mr. Quirke: I bade the Widow Early to kill
it a fortnight ago—but she would not, she was
that covetous!
Mrs. Delane: What was on it?
Mr. Quirke: How would I know what was on
it? Whatever was on it, it was the will of God
put it upon it—wasted it was, and shivering and
refusing its share.
Mrs. Delane: The poor thing.
Mr. Quirke: Gone all to nothing—wore away
like a flock of thread. It did not weigh as much
as a lamb of two months.
Mrs. Delane: It is likely the Inspector will
bring it to Dublin?
Mr. Quirke: The ribs of it streaky with the
dint of patent medicines——
Mrs. Delane: I wonder is it to the Petty
Sessions you’ll be brought or is it to the Assizes?
Mr. Quirke: I’ll speak up to them. I’ll make
my defence. What can the Army expect at
fippence a pound?
Mrs. Delane: It is likely there will be no bail
allowed?
Mr. Quirke: Would they be wanting me to
give them good quality meat out of my own
pocket? Is it to encourage them to fight the
poor Indians and Africans they would have me?
It’s the Anti-Enlisting Societies should pay the
fine for me.
Mrs. Delane: It’s not a fine will be put on you,
I’m afraid. It’s five years in gaol you will be
apt to be getting. Well, I’ll try and be a good
neighbour to poor Mrs. Quirke.
(Mr. Quirke, who has been stamping up and
down, sits down and weeps. Halvey
comes in and stands on one side.)
Mr. Quirke: Hadn’t I heart-scalding enough
before, striving to rear five weak children?
Mrs. Delane: I suppose they will be sent to
the Industrial Schools?
Mr. Quirke: My poor wife——
Mrs. Delane: I’m afraid the workhouse——
Mr. Quirke: And she out in an ass-car at this
minute helping me to follow my trade.
Mrs. Delane: I hope they will not arrest her
along with you.
Mr. Quirke: I’ll give myself up to justice. I’ll
plead guilty! I’ll be recommended to mercy!
Mrs. Delane: It might be best for you.
Mr. Quirke: Who would think so great a
misfortune could come upon a family through the
bringing away of one sheep!
Hyacinth: (Coming forward.) Let you make
yourself easy.
Mr. Quirke: Easy! It’s easy to say let you
make yourself easy.
Hyacinth: I can tell you where it is.
Mr. Quirke: Where what is?
Hyacinth: The sheep you are fretting after.
Mr. Quirke: What do you know about it?
Hyacinth: I know everything about it.
Mr. Quirke: I suppose the Sergeant told you?
Hyacinth: He told me nothing.
Mr. Quirke: I suppose the whole town knows it, so?
Hyacinth: No one knows it, as yet.
Mr. Quirke: And the Sergeant didn’t see it?
Hyacinth: No one saw it or brought it away but myself.
Mr. Quirke: Where did you put it at all?
Hyacinth: In the ditch behind the church wall.
In among the nettles it is. Look at the way they
have me stung. (Holds out hands.)
Mr. Quirke: In the ditch! The best hiding
place in the town.
Hyacinth: I never thought it would bring
such great trouble upon you. You can’t say
anyway I did not tell you.
Mr. Quirke: You yourself that brought it
away and that hid it! I suppose it was coming
in the train you got information about the message to the police.
Hyacinth: What now do you say to me?
Mr. Quirke: Say! I say I am as glad to hear
what you said as if it was the Lord telling me I’d
be in heaven this minute.
Hyacinth: What are you going to do to me?
Mr. Quirke: Do, is it? (Grasps his hand.)
Any earthly thing you would wish me to do, I will do it.
Hyacinth: I suppose you will tell——
Mr. Quirke: Tell! It’s I that will tell when
all is quiet. It is I will give you the good name
through the town!
Hyacinth: I don’t well understand.
Mr. Quirke: (Embracing him.) The man that
preserved me!
Hyacinth: That preserved you?
Mr. Quirke: That kept me from ruin!
Hyacinth: From ruin?
Mr. Quirke: That saved me from disgrace!
Hyacinth: (To Mrs. Delane.) What is he saying at all?
Mr. Quirke: From the Inspector!
Hyacinth: What is he talking about?
Mr. Quirke: From the magistrates!
Hyacinth: He is making some mistake.
Mr. Quirke: From the Winter Assizes!
Hyacinth: Is he out of his wits?
Mr. Quirke: Five years in gaol!
Hyacinth: Hasn’t he the queer talk?
Mr. Quirke: The loss of the contract!
Hyacinth: Are my own wits gone astray?
Mr. Quirke: What way can I repay you?
Hyacinth: (Shouting.) I tell you I took the sheep——
Mr. Quirke: You did, God reward you!
Hyacinth: I stole away with it——
Mr. Quirke: The blessing of the poor on you!
Hyacinth: I put it out of sight——
Mr. Quirke: The blessing of my five children——
Hyacinth: I may as well say nothing——
Mrs. Delane: Let you be quiet now, Quirke.
Here’s the Sergeant coming to search the shop——
(Sergeant comes in: Quirke leaves go of
Halvey, who arranges his hat, etc.)
Sergeant: The Department to blazes!
Mrs. Delane: What is it putting you out?
Sergeant: To go to the train to meet the lecturer,
and there to get a message through the
guard that he was unavoidably detained in the
South, holding an inquest on the remains of a drake.
Mrs. Delane: The lecturer, is it?
Sergeant: To be sure. What else would I be
talking of? The lecturer has failed me, and where
am I to go looking for a person that I would think
fitting to take his place?
Mrs. Delane: And that’s all? And you didn’t
get any message but the one?
Sergeant: Is that all? I am surprised at you,
Mrs. Delane. Isn’t it enough to upset a man,
within three quarters of an hour of the time of
the meeting? Where, I would ask you, am I to
find a man that has education enough and wit
enough and character enough to put up speaking
on the platform on the minute?
Mr. Quirke: (Jumps up.) It is I myself will
tell you that.
Sergeant: You!
Mr. Quirke: (Slapping Halvey on the back.)
Look at here, Sergeant. There is not one word
was said in all those papers about this young man
before you but it is true. And there could be no
good thing said of him that would be too good for
him.
Sergeant: It might not be a bad idea.
Mr. Quirke: Whatever the paper said about
him, Sergeant, I can say more again. It has come
to my knowledge—by chance—that since he came
to this town that young man has saved a whole
family from destruction.
Sergeant: That is much to his credit—helping
the rural classes——
Mr. Quirke: A family and a long family, big
and little, like sods of turf—and they depending
on a—on one that might be on his way to dark
trouble at this minute if it was not for his assistance.
Believe me, he is the most sensible man, and
the wittiest, and the kindest, and the best helper of
the poor that ever stood before you in this square.
Is not that so, Mrs. Delane?
Mrs. Delane: It is true indeed. Where he gets
his wisdom and his wit and his information from
I don’t know, unless it might be that he is gifted
from above.
Sergeant: Well, Mrs. Delane, I think we have
settled that question. Mr. Halvey, you will be
the speaker at the meeting. The lecturer sent
these notes—you can lengthen them into a
speech. You can call to the people of Cloon to
stand out, to begin the building of their character.
I saw a lecturer do it one time at Dundrum.
“Come up here,” he said, “Dare to be a Daniel,”
he said——
Hyacinth: I can’t—I won’t——
Sergeant: (Looking at papers and thrusting
them into his hand.) You will find it quite easy.
I will conduct you to the platform—these papers
before you and a glass of water—That’s settled.
(Turns to go.) Follow me on to the Courthouse
in half an hour—I must go to the barracks first—I
heard there was a telegram—(Calls back as
he goes.) Don’t be late, Mrs. Delane. Mind,
Quirke, you promised to come.
Mrs. Delane: Well, it’s time for me to make
an end of settling myself—and indeed, Mr.
Quirke, you’d best do the same.
Mr. Quirke: (Rubbing his cheek.) I suppose
so. I had best keep on good terms with him for
the present. (Turns.) Well, now, I had a great
escape this day.
(Both go in as Fardy reappears whistling.)
Hyacinth: (Sitting down.) I don’t know in the
world what has come upon the world that the half
of the people of it should be cracked!
Fardy: Weren’t you found out yet?
Hyacinth: Found out, is it? I don’t know
what you mean by being found out.
Fardy: Didn’t he miss the sheep?
Hyacinth: He did, and I told him it was I
took it—and what happened I declare to goodness
I don’t know—Will you look at these?
(Holds out notes.)
Fardy: Papers! Are they more testimonials?
Hyacinth: They are what is worse. (Gives a
hoarse laugh.) Will you come and see me on the
platform—these in my hand—and I speaking—giving
out advice. (Fardy whistles.) Why didn’t
you tell me, the time you advised me to steal a
sheep, that in this town it would qualify a man
to go preaching, and the priest in the chair looking on.
Fardy: The time I took a few apples that had
fallen off a stall, they did not ask me to hold a
meeting. They welted me well.
Hyacinth: (Looking round.) I would take apples
if I could see them. I wish I had broke my neck
before I left Carrow and I’d be better off! I
wish I had got six months the time I was caught
setting snares—I wish I had robbed a church.
Fardy: Would a Protestant church do?
Hyacinth: I suppose it wouldn’t be so great a
sin.
Fardy: It’s likely the Sergeant would think
worse of it—Anyway, if you want to rob one, it’s
the Protestant church is the handiest.
Hyacinth: (Getting up.) Show me what way to
do it?
Fardy: (Pointing.) I was going around it a few
minutes ago, to see might there be e’er a dog
scenting the sheep, and I noticed the window being
out.
Hyacinth: Out, out and out?
Fardy: It was, where they are putting coloured
glass in it for the distiller——
Hyacinth: What good does that do me?
Fardy: Every good. You could go in by that
window if you had some person to give you a
hoist. Whatever riches there is to get in it then,
you’ll get them.
Hyacinth: I don’t want riches. I’ll give you
all I will find if you will come and hoist me.
Fardy: Here is Miss Joyce coming to bring
you to your lodging. Sure I brought your bag
to it, the time you were away with the sheep——
Hyacinth: Run! Run!
(They go off. Enter Miss Joyce.)
Miss Joyce: Are you here, Mrs. Delane?
Where, can you tell me, is Mr. Halvey?
Mrs. Delane: (Coming out dressed.) It’s likely he
is gone on to the Courthouse. Did you hear he
is to be in the chair and to make an address to
the meeting?
Miss Joyce: He is getting on fast. His Reverence
says he will be a good help in the parish.
Who would think, now, there would be such a godly
young man in a little place like Carrow!
(Enter Sergeant in a hurry, with telegram.)
Sergeant: What time did this telegram arrive,
Mrs. Delane?
Mrs. Delane: I couldn’t be rightly sure, Sergeant.
But sure it’s marked on it, unless the clock
I have is gone wrong.
Sergeant: It is marked on it. And I have the
time I got it marked on my own watch.
Mrs. Delane: Well, now, I wonder none
of the police would have followed you with it
from the barracks—and they with so little to
do——
Sergeant: (Looking in at Quirke’s shop.) Well,
I am sorry to do what I have to do, but duty is
duty.
(He ransacks shop. Mrs. Delane looks on.
Mr. Quirke puts his head out of window.)
Mr. Quirke: What is that going on inside?
(No answer.) Is there any one inside, I ask? (No
answer.) It must be that dog of Tannian’s—wait
till I get at him.
Mrs. Delane: It is Sergeant Carden, Mr.
Quirke. He would seem to be looking for something——
(Mr. Quirke appears in shop. Sergeant
comes out, makes another dive, taking
up sacks, etc.)
Mr. Quirke: I’m greatly afraid I am just out
of meat, Sergeant—and I’m sorry now to disoblige
you, and you not being in the habit of
dealing with me——
Sergeant: I should think not, indeed.
Mr. Quirke: Looking for a tender little bit of
lamb, I suppose you are, for Mrs. Carden and
the youngsters?
Sergeant: I am not.
Mr. Quirke: If I had it now, I’d be proud to
offer it to you, and make no charge. I’ll be killing
a good kid to-morrow. Mrs. Carden might
fancy a bit of it——
Sergeant: I have had orders to search your
establishment for unwholesome meat, and I am
come here to do it.
Mr. Quirke: (Sitting down with a smile.) Is
that so? Well, isn’t it a wonder the schemers does
be in the world.
Sergeant: It is not the first time there have
been complaints.
Mr. Quirke: I suppose not. Well, it is on
their own head it will fall at the last!
Sergeant: I have found nothing so far.
Mr. Quirke: I suppose not, indeed. What is
there you could find, and it not in it?
Sergeant: Have you no meat at all upon the
premises?
Mr. Quirke: I have, indeed, a nice barrel of
bacon.
Sergeant: What way did it die?
Mr. Quirke: It would be hard for me to say
that. American it is. How would I know what
way they do be killing the pigs out there?
Machinery, I suppose, they have—steam hammers——
Sergeant: Is there nothing else here at all?
Mr. Quirke: I give you my word, there is
no meat living or dead in this place, but yourself
and myself and that bird above in the cage.
Sergeant: Well, I must tell the Inspector I
could find nothing. But mind yourself for the future.
Mr. Quirke: Thank you, Sergeant. I will do
that. (Enter Fardy. He stops short.)
Sergeant: It was you delayed that message to
me, I suppose? You’d best mend your ways or
I’ll have something to say to you. (Seizes and
shakes him.)
Fardy: That’s the way everyone does be
faulting me. (Whimpers.)
(The Sergeant gives him another shake. A
half-crown falls out of his pocket.)
Miss Joyce: (Picking it up.) A half-a-crown!
Where, now, did you get that much, Fardy?
Fardy: Where did I get it, is it!
Miss Joyce: I’ll engage it was in no honest
way you got it.
Fardy: I picked it up in the street——
Miss Joyce: If you did, why didn’t you bring
it to the Sergeant or to his Reverence?
Mrs. Delane: And some poor person, may be,
being at the loss of it.
Miss Joyce: I’d best bring it to his Reverence.
Come with me, Fardy, till he will question you about it.
Fardy: It was not altogether in the street I
found it——
Miss Joyce: There, now! I knew you got it
in no good way! Tell me, now.
Fardy: It was playing pitch and toss I won it——
Miss Joyce: And who would play for half-crowns
with the like of you, Fardy Farrell? Who
was it, now?
Fardy: It was—a stranger——
Miss Joyce: Do you hear that? A stranger!
Did you see e’er a stranger in this town, Mrs.
Delane, or Sergeant Carden, or Mr. Quirke?
Mr. Quirke: Not a one.
Sergeant: There was no stranger here.
Mrs. Delane: There could not be one here
without me knowing it.
Fardy: I tell you there was.
Miss Joyce: Come on, then, and tell who was
he to his Reverence.
Sergeant: (Taking other arm.) Or to the bench.
Fardy: I did get it, I tell you, from a stranger.
Sergeant: Where is he, so?
Fardy: He’s in some place—not far away.
Sergeant: Bring me to him.
Fardy: He’ll be coming here.
Sergeant: Tell me the truth and it will be better
for you.
Fardy: (Weeping.) Let me go and I will.
Sergeant: (Letting go.) Now—who did you
get it from?
Fardy: From that young chap came to-day, Mr. Halvey.
All: Mr. Halvey!
Mr. Quirke: (Indignantly.) What are you saying,
you young ruffian you? Hyacinth Halvey
to be playing pitch and toss with the like of you!
Fardy: I didn’t say that.
Miss Joyce: You did say it. You said it now.
Mr. Quirke: Hyacinth Halvey! The best man
that ever came into this town!
Miss Joyce: Well, what lies he has!
Mr. Quirke: It’s my belief the half-crown is
a bad one. May be it’s to pass it off it was given
to him. There were tinkers in the town at the
time of the fair. Give it here to me. (Bites it.)
No, indeed, it’s sound enough. Here, Sergeant,
it’s best for you take it.
(Gives it to Sergeant, who examines it.)
Sergeant: Can it be? Can it be what I think
it to be?
Mr. Quirke: What is it? What do you take
it to be?
Sergeant: It is, it is. I know it. I know this
half-crown——
Mr. Quirke: That is a queer thing, now.
Sergeant: I know it well. I have been handling
it in the church for the last twelvemonth——
Mr. Quirke: Is that so?
Sergeant: It is the nest-egg half-crown we
hand round in the collection plate every Sunday
morning. I know it by the dint on the Queen’s
temples and the crooked scratch under her nose.
Mr. Quirke: (Examining it.) So there is, too.
Sergeant: This is a bad business. It has been
stolen from the church.
All: O! O! O!
Sergeant: (Seizing Fardy.) You have robbed
the church!
Fardy: (Terrified.) I tell you I never did!
Sergeant: I have the proof of it.
Fardy: Say what you like! I never put a foot in it!
Sergeant: How did you get this, so?
Miss Joyce: I suppose from the stranger?
Mrs. Delane: I suppose it was Hyacinth Halvey
gave it to you, now?
Fardy: It was so.
Sergeant: I suppose it was he robbed the
church?
Fardy: (Sobs.) You will not believe me if I
say it.
Mr. Quirke: O! the young vagabond! Let me
get at him!
Mrs. Delane: Here he is himself now!
(Hyacinth comes in. Fardy releases himself
and creeps behind him.)
Mrs. Delane: It is time you to come, Mr. Halvey,
and shut the mouth of this young schemer.
Miss Joyce: I would like you to hear what he
says of you, Mr. Halvey. Pitch and toss, he
says.
Mr. Quirke: Robbery, he says.
Mrs. Delane: Robbery of a church.
Sergeant: He has had a bad name long enough.
Let him go to a reformatory now.
Fardy: (Clinging to Hyacinth.) Save me, save
me! I’m a poor boy trying to knock out a way
of living; I’ll be destroyed if I go to a reformatory.
(Kneels and clings to Hyacinth’s knees.)
Hyacinth: I’ll save you easy enough.
Fardy: Don’t let me be gaoled!
Hyacinth: I am going to tell them.
Fardy: I’m a poor orphan——
Hyacinth: Will you let me speak?
Fardy: I’ll get no more chance in the world——
Hyacinth: Sure I’m trying to free you——
Fardy: It will be tasked to me always.
Hyacinth: Be quiet, can’t you.
Fardy: Don’t you desert me!
Hyacinth: Will you be silent?
Fardy: Take it on yourself.
Hyacinth: I will if you’ll let me.
Fardy: Tell them you did it.
Hyacinth: I am going to do that.
Fardy: Tell them it was you got in at the
window.
Hyacinth: I will! I will!
Fardy: Say it was you robbed the box.
Hyacinth: I’ll say it! I’ll say it!
Fardy: It being open!
Hyacinth: Let me tell, let me tell.
Fardy: Of all that was in it.
Hyacinth: I’ll tell them that.
Fardy: And gave it to me.
Hyacinth: (Putting hand on his mouth and dragging
him up.) Will you stop and let me speak?
Sergeant: We can’t be wasting time. Give
him here to me.
Hyacinth: I can’t do that. He must be let
alone.
Sergeant: (Seizing him.) He’ll be let alone in
the lock-up.
Hyacinth: He must not be brought there.
Sergeant: I’ll let no man get him off.
Hyacinth: I will get him off.
Sergeant: You will not!
Hyacinth: I will.
Sergeant: Do you think to buy him off?
Hyacinth: I will buy him off with my own
confession.
Sergeant: And what will that be?
Hyacinth: It was I robbed the church.
Sergeant: That is likely indeed!
Hyacinth: Let him go, and take me. I tell
you I did it.
Sergeant: It would take witnesses to prove
that.
Hyacinth: (Pointing to Fardy.) He will be
witness.
Fardy: O! Mr. Halvey, I would not wish to
do that. Get me off and I will say nothing.
Hyacinth: Sure you must. You will be put
on oath in the court.
Fardy: I will not! I will not! All the world
knows I don’t understand the nature of an oath!
Mr. Quirke: (Coming forward.) Is it blind ye
all are?
Mrs. Delane: What are you talking about?
Mr. Quirke: Is it fools ye all are?
Miss Joyce: Speak for yourself.
Mr. Quirke: Is it idiots ye all are?
Sergeant: Mind who you’re talking to.
Mr. Quirke: (Seizing Hyacinth’s hands.) Can’t
you see? Can’t you hear? Where are your wits?
Was ever such a thing seen in this town?
Mrs. Delane: Say out what you have to say.
Mr. Quirke: A walking saint he is!
Mrs. Delane: Maybe so.
Mr. Quirke: The preserver of the poor! Talk
of the holy martyrs! They are nothing at all to
what he is! Will you look at him! To save that
poor boy he is going! To take the blame on
himself he is going! To say he himself did the
robbery he is going! Before the magistrate he is
going! To gaol he is going! Taking the blame
on his own head! Putting the sin on his own
shoulders! Letting on to have done a robbery!
Telling a lie—that it may be forgiven him—to
his own injury! Doing all that I tell you to save
the character of a miserable slack lad, that rose
in poverty.
(Murmur of admiration from all.)
Mr. Quirke: Now, what do you say?
Sergeant: (Pressing his hand.) Mr. Halvey, you
have given us all a lesson. To please you, I will
make no information against the boy. (Shakes
him and helps him up.) I will put back the half-crown
in the poor-box next Sunday. (To Fardy.)
What have you to say to your benefactor?
Fardy: I’m obliged to you, Mr. Halvey. You
behaved very decent to me, very decent indeed.
I’ll never let a word be said against you if I live
to be a hundred years.
Sergeant: (Wiping eyes with a blue handkerchief.)
I will tell it at the meeting. It will be a great
encouragement to them to build up their character.
I’ll tell it to the priest and he taking the
chair——
Hyacinth: O stop, will you——
Mr. Quirke: The chair. It’s in the chair he
himself should be. It’s in a chair we will put him
now. It’s to chair him through the streets we will.
Sure he’ll be an example and a blessing to the whole
of the town. (Seizes Halvey and seats him in chair.)
Now, Sergeant, give a hand. Here, Fardy.
(They all lift the chair with Halvey in it,
wildly protesting.)
Mr. Quirke: Come along now to the Courthouse.
Three cheers for Hyacinth Halvey! Hip!
hip! hoora!
(Cheers heard in the distance as the curtain
drops.)
—“it is better to be quarrelling than to be
lonesome.” The Rajputs, that great fighting race,
when they were told they had been brought under
the Pax Britannica and must give up war, gave
themselves to opium in its place, but Connacht has
not yet planted its poppy gardens.