After this the winter came on rapidly
and severely. The seas were dangerous,
and the fishing precarious and
poor, and the fever still lingered, many
cases being found as far north as Yell.
Thus suffering and hard poverty and death filled the
short days and made twice as long the stretched-out
nights of the dark season. The old cloud gathered
round David, and when the minister preached of “the
will and purposes of God,” it seemed to David that
they were altogether penal. The unfathomable inner
side of his life was all gloom and doubt; how, then,
could the material side be cheerful and confident?
The new minister, however, had conceived a strong
liking for the young man; they were nearly of the
same age; and he saw that David was troubled about
spiritual matters, and took every opportunity to discuss
them with him. But he had too much of the
schools, he was too untried, and had been, in the main,
too happily situated to comprehend David’s views.
The very piety of the two men was different. David’s
170
was lively, personal, and tender; it sat in the center.
The minister’s was official, intellectually accepted,
conscientiously practised. It was not strange, then,
that any dissent David ventured to make was not
conceived of as a soul-query, but rather as a challenge
against impregnable truths. He was always ready to
defend Calvinism, though David did not consciously
attack it. To be sure, he said strange and daring
things–things which came from his heart, and which
often staggered his opponent; but all the more Minister
Campbell put on his armor to defend his creed.
“It is a hard religion for men and for women,” said
David, as they talked a stormy afternoon away on
Barbara’s hearthstone; “and why God gave it, I can’t
tell; for, after all, minister, the blessedness of heaven
is an eternity older than the damnation of hell.”
“Men called it unto themselves, and it is not hard,
David. It is a grand creed; it is a strong anchor for
a weak soul; it won’t let a man drift into the deep
waters of infidelity or the miserable shoals of ‘perhaps’
and ‘suppose.’ Neither will it let him float on
waves of feeling like Arminianism, and be content
with ‘ahs’ and ‘ohs,’ and shrink from ‘therefores.’
Calvinism makes strong men before the Lord, David,
and strong men are not laid on rose-leaves and fed on
pap and cream.”
“That is true, minister; for it seems to me that
whenever men are to be fishers, and fight the winds
and waves, or to make a living out of bare moor or
rocks, or to do any other of the hard work of life,
they are born Calvinists.”
“Just so, David. Arminians can weave a piece of
171
broadcloth, and Episcopals can till the rich, juicy fields
of England; but God’s hard work–yes, David, and
his hard fighting–has to be done by his Calvinists.
They were the only fighting Protestants. But for
Calvinists, Puritans, Huguenots, there would have
been no Reformation. Philip and the Pope would
have had their way, and we should all have been
papists or atheists.”
“I know not. You say so, minister, and it is doubtless
true.”
“It is true. You have been born to a noble creed;
accept it with thankfulness and without demur. You
are not called upon to understand it or to reason
about it. It is faith that conquers.”
And after such an oration the young minister would
go away with a proud sense of duty well performed,
burning with his own evangel, and liking David well
for being the invoker of his enthusiasm. But David,
after his departure, was always silent and depressed;
his intellect may have been quickened, but he was
not comforted.
The sunshine that had brightened his life during
the past year was gone, for he had found out that all
his happiness was bound up in Nanna, and Nanna was
on the verge of despair. Day by day she grew thinner
and whiter, more melancholy and more silent. She
did only work enough to supply the barest needs of
life, and for the most part sat hour after hour with
dropped hands and closed eyes; or she was seized with
a restlessness that drove her to motion, and then she
walked the small bounds of her room until physical
exhaustion threw her into deep sleep.
172David watched her with a sad patience. He had felt
severely the loss of Vala, and he did not presume to
measure Nanna’s sorrow by his own. He knew it was
natural that for some weeks she should weep for a
child so dear, whose little life had been so pitifully
wronged, so bound to suffering, so cruelly cut short.
But when this natural sorrow was not healed by time,
when Nanna nursed her grief to despair and dwelt
with it in the valley of the shadow of death, he
thought it time to reason with her.
“You will kill yourself, Nanna,” he said.
“Well, then, David, I hate life.”
“Do you wish to die?”
“No; I am afraid to die. I know that I am sinning
every day in weeping for my poor lost bairn,
and yet I am that way made that I cannot help but
weep for her. For it is my fault, David, all my fault.
Why, then, did He pursue the child with His anger
from the first hour of her sorrowful life to the last?
And where is she now? O David, where is she? If
God would only let me go to her!”
“Whist, Nanna! You know not what you are saying.
You might be asking yourself away from His
presence.”
“I would rather be with Vala. If that be sinful, let me
thole the wages of my sin. Where is my dear bairn?”
“I heard Elder Kennoch say we may have a hope
that God will eventually take pity on those babes who
have done no actual sin.”
“But when will he take pity? And until he does,
how can the wee souls endure his anger? O David,
my heart will break! My heart will break!”
173“Nanna, listen to this: when Elga Wick’s child
died, the minister said there was a benign interpretation
of the doctrines which taught us that none but
elect infants died. It would be unjust, Nanna, unless
the child was elect, not to give it the offer of salvation.”
“What good would eighty years of ‘offers’ do, if
there was no election to eternal life?”
“Nanna, your father was a child of God, and you
have loved him from your youth upward.”
“Can that help Vala?”
“Even so. He keeps his mercy for children’s children,
to the third and fourth generation of them that
fear him. Vala was in the direct succession of faith.”
“You know what her father and his folk have
been?”
“Yes, I know.”
“Oh, why did my father let me marry the man?
He should rather have tied me hands and feet, and
cast me into the depths of the sea. He should have
said to me, ‘Nanna, you may have a bairn, and it may
be a child of sin, and thus foreordained to hell-fire.’
Do you think then I would have wed Nicol Sinclair?”
“Ay, I think you would.”
“Do you believe that I was born for that end?”
“I think you had set your heart on Nicol at all
risks.”
“At that time Nicol was in good favor with all folk.”
“You have told me that your father liked him not,
and that he said many things to you against a marriage
with him; so, then, if your heart had not been
fully set on its own way, his ‘no’ would have been
174
sufficient. If we heed not fathers and mothers and
teachers, we should not heed, Nanna, no, not if one
came from the dead to warn us.”
“That is an awful truth, David.”
“And one must speak truth to heal a wounded soul.
If there be a canker in the body, you know well the
doctor must not spare the sharp knife. But I would
not put away hope for Vala–no, indeed!”
“Why, David? Oh, why?”
“Has she not kindred in His presence? Will He
not remember His promise to them? Will they forget
to remind Him of it? I think not so hardly of
the dead.”
“David, I will tell you the last awful truth. I
never could get the poor little one baptized,–things
ay went so against it,–and she died without being
signed and sealed to His mercy; that is the dreadful
part of her death. I was ashamed–I was afraid to
tell you before. O David, if you had stayed by Vala
instead of going to that man, you might perhaps have
won her this saving grace; but it was not to be.”
David almost fainted with the shock of this intelligence.
He understood now the anguish which was
driving Nanna into the grave; and he had no comfort
to offer her, for Nanna seemed to make out a terribly
clear case of rejection and of foreordained refusal.
“I was feared to ask Nicol to stand with the child
when it ought to have been presented in the kirk,”
she said.
“But your father?” asked David.
“I was feared to ask my father to stand in Nicol’s
place, lest it should make Nicol harder to me than he
175
was. And,” she continued, weeping bitterly as she
spoke, “I thought not of Vala dying, and hoped that
in the future there might be a way opened. If father
had lived he would have seen to the child’s right, but
he was taken just when he was moving in the matter;
and then Nicol grew harder and harder, and as for
the kirk, he would not go there at all, and I had no
kin left to take his place. Then the child was hurt,
and I was long ill, and Nicol went away, and my
friends grew cold, fearing lest I might want a little
help, and even the minister was shy and far off. So
I came out here with my sorrow, and waited and
watched for some friend or some opportunity. ‘To-morrow,
perhaps to-morrow,’ I said; but it was not
to be.”
“Nanna, you should have told me this before. I
would have made the promises for Vala; I would have
done so gladly. Surely you should have spoken to me.”
“Every day I thought about it, and then I was
feared for what would happen when Nicol found it out.
And do you not think that Matilda Sabiston would
have sent him word that I had set you to do his duty?
She would have twitted him about it until he would
have raged like a roaring lion, and blackened my good
name, and yours also, and most likely made it a cause
for the knife he was ever so ready to use. And then,
David, there are folks–kirk folks, and plenty of them–who
would have said, ‘There must be something
wrong to set Nicol Sinclair to blood-spilling.’ And
Matilda Sabiston would have spoken out plainly and
said, ‘There is something wrong’–and this and that,
and more to it.”
176“And well, then?”
“Well, then, being Matilda, no one would have
thought of contradicting her; for she gives much
money to the kirk and the societies, and has left all
she has to free slaves. No; there was nothing to be
done but to thole and be quiet.”
“There might be some excuse for being quiet when
Vala was not in danger, but when her life was going,
why did you not send for the minister?”
“This is what happened; for, David, God’s will
must be done. No one came here but the doctor. On
the second day he said, ‘She is not very sick.’ At
his next visit he said, ‘She will die.’ Then I told him
the child was not baptized, and prayed him to go for
the minister. And he said he would certainly do so.
But he was called here and there, and he forgot that
day; and the next morning very early he went to the
manse, and the minister had gone away; and the great
storm kept him away for three days; so when he got
back the message had been overlaid by many others.”
“O Nanna! Nanna!”
“Yes, it was so. After the storm the doctor came
again, and Vala was dying. And then he rode like a
man riding for his life, and spoke very angrily to the
minister, who was not to blame at all, and the minister
was hurt at his words; but he came that afternoon,
and it was too late.”
“O Nanna! O Vala! Vala! Vala!”
“So the minister was angry with me for my delays,
and he spoke the hard truth to me, and every word
went to my soul like a sword. I thought I should die
that night, and I longed to die. There was no friend
177
to say to me one word of comfort, and I did not dare
to pray. I was feared God would ask me, ‘Where is
your child?’ O David, what for at all did God make
us? For this life is full of sorrow, and it is little comfort
to be told that there is a worse one after it.”
David took her hand, and a tear dropped upon her
slender brown fingers; but he did not answer her
question. Indeed, he could not. The same bewildering
inquiry had haunted his own sad life. So much
sorrow and pain, and at the end perhaps to be “hardly
saved,” while all around innumerable souls were going
down, without hope or helper, to eternal wrath!
What for at all had God made man for such a
fate?
For that he had not made man for such ends was a
fact outside their understandings, even as a possibility;
and its very suggestion at this hour would have appeared
to both an impiety of the worst kind. So they
consoled each other in the only way possible to souls
at once so miserable and so submissive. With clasped
hands they wept together over the inscrutable fate
which had set them so hard a lesson to learn as life,
with so little light to learn it by.
Natural events deepened the gloom of this spiritual
thraldom. Storms of unusual severity swept over the
bare, brown land, and the fishing was not only dangerous,
but often impossible. But David regarded
frost and snow, stormy winds and raging seas, poverty,
pestilence, and death, as part of the eternal necessity
pursuing its never-ending work through discord and
imperfection. When there was a possibility of casting
the fifty fathoms of ling-lines, David and his
178
helpers were sure to venture out; when it was clearly
impossible, he went to Nanna’s and sat with her.
To the ordinary observer there did not seem to be
pleasure enough in these visits to reward him for the
stormy walk over the moor. His clothing was often
wet or stiff with frost, or he was breathless with fighting
the strong wind, and not infrequently he lost
himself in the bewildering snow; but with some trifle
in his pocket for Nanna, he always managed to reach
her. It might be only a fish, or a loaf of bread which
Barbara had baked for her, or a little fresh milk in a
bottle; but it was an offering made rich by that true
affection which counted weariness rest for her sake.
He generally found her sitting brooding by her peat
fire. Now, peat is cheap in Shetland, and Nanna had
no stint of the fuel, but it does not make a cheerful
fire. Its want of flame and its dull-red glow stimulate
sorrowful musing; and as there is little radiation of
heat from it, those whom it warms must sit close to
its embers. Thus David and Nanna passed many
hours of that sad winter. The snow often veiled what
light of day there was, and the great sea-winds shrieked
around the hut and blew the peat smoke down the
chimney into their faces; and there was little warmth
or comfort, and none of the pretty accessories that
love generally delights in.
But David’s love was not dependent upon accidentals.
He had seen Nanna when he thought her very
finely dressed; he had watched her when she was
happy with her child and contented with his friendship;
but she was not then more beautiful than she
was now, when her eyes were haunted by despairing
179
thoughts, and her face white and sad, and her noble
form was shrouded rather than dressed in the black
gown of her loss and woe.
To David she was ever Nanna. It was the woman
beneath the outward form he desired–the woman
whose tears and fears and wounded love were part
of his own sufferings, whose despair was his despair,
whose personality, even, affected something far deeper
and chaster than that physical emotion too often misnamed
love. He knew that he could live for her,
however sorrowful life might be; he knew that he
could gladly die for her, if his death could bring her
spiritual peace or hope.
Thus, in the red light of the glowing peats, with the
stormy world around them, to David and Nanna the
winter months wore away. When Nanna was able to
weep she was then at her best–the most companionable,
the most grateful, and the most affectionate.
And few would think such circumstances favorable
to the growth of love; but that is a great mistake.
Love is not perfect love until it has been watered
again and again with tears.
Of the growth of this affection it is not likely either
was quite unaware; but there is an instinctive dislike
in a pure heart to investigate the beginnings of love.
It is like laying bare the roots of a flower to see
how it grows. And in Nanna’s case there was even a
fear of such a condition. Love had brought her only
heartbreak and despair. Without deliberate intention,
she yet grew a little more shy of David; she began to
restrain spiritual confidence and to weep alone. He
was not slow to feel the change, and it depressed him,
180
and made Barbara wonder at Nanna’s ingratitude and
womanish unreason.
“A good man fretting for her love, when there are
hearts and hearts full waiting for his asking,” she said
to her neighbor Sally Groat.
And Sally answered: “Well, well, there is a fool in
every one’s sleeve sometimes; and David Borson is
that daft about blood-kin, there is no talking to him.
But this is what I say: for all your kindred, make
much of your friends–and a friend you have been to
him, Barbara.”
“Well, then, I have done my best; and friends are
to be taken with their faults. To-day I shall talk to
David; for the spring comes on so quickly, and I heard
that my son’s ship had been spoke in the Iceland seas.”
“It is long now since Nanna’s baby died, and she
still weeps without end for her. She ought to try and
forget. It was but a sickly child, and never like to be
world-wise or world-useful.”
“I wouldn’t say such words, Sally,” answered Barbara,
with some warmth. “No one can tell a mother,
‘Thy heart shall not remember.’ I have laid in earth
five children, and do you think I ever slunk away
from heartache by forgetting them? No, indeed! I
would have counted that treason against my own soul.”
“God’s blessing! there is none wants to contradict
you, Barbara. Don’t be so hasty, woman. But you
know there has been death and weeping in many
houses besides Nanna’s this winter.”
“To be sure,” acknowledged Barbara. “Death has
asked no man’s leave to enter; he has gone into the
rich man’s house as well as into poor Nanna’s hut.”
181“Every door is wide enough for a coffin.”
“Yes; and the minister said last Sabbath that it
was this which dissatisfied us with these habitations
of clay, and made us lift our eyes to those eternal in
the heavens.”
“Well, then, to come back to David,” said Sally,
“he is good, and able to marry. He has saved money,
no doubt. Some young men spend their last bawbee,
and just live between ebb and flow. That isn’t David
Borson. Besides, Barbara, you ought to tell him how
people are talking.”
“I may do that. David is imprudent, and Nanna
is too miserable to care. Well, then, those who kindle
the fire must put up with the smoke; yet, for all
that, I shall have a word or two for him, and that very
soon.”
David had been at sea all night, and while this conversation
was going on he was sleeping; but in the
afternoon, as Barbara saw him preparing to go to
Nanna’s, she said:
“Stay a minute, David Borson. I want to speak to
you. I had good news early this morning. My son’s
ship was met not so far away, and he may get home
at any time, and me not thinking of it.”
“I am glad to hear it, Barbara. Then, also, you
will want my room. I must look for a new place, and
that is bad for me.”
“I was thinking of Nanna Sinclair,” said Barbara,
in a musing manner. “People do talk about you and
her. I have heard say–”
“‘I have heard say’ is half a lie,” answered David.
“I think that too; but Nanna’s good name is to be
182
thought of, and a man does not go every day to see a
woman for nothing.”
Then David leaped to his feet with a face like a
flame. “The shortest and best answer is doing the
thing,” he muttered; and he walked straight to
Nanna’s house, telling himself as he went, “I have
been too long about it; I must speak now, and she
must answer me.”
He was in his fishing-garb, for he intended going
to sea with the tide then rising; but he thought no
more of dressing for the interview than he thought of
preparing his speeches. Hitherto he had in a manner
drifted with the current of his great affection, never
consciously asking himself where it was bearing him;
but if people were talking about Nanna, then he must
take away all occasion for suspicion–he must at once
ask Nanna to be his wife. And as soon as he took the
first step toward her he felt how close and dear she
had become to him. He knew then that if Nanna was
lost all the world would be nothing. She had grown
into his life as the sea and the stars had grown, and
he shrank from any thought that could imply separation.
He walked with rapid steps across the moor,
feeling dimly the beauty of the spring afternoon, with
its haze of gold and purple on the horizon, where the
gray clouds opened out in wistful stretches of daffodil
skies.
The door of Nanna’s house stood open, and the
wind, full of the sharp salt savor of the sea, blew life
into the little room. Nanna was busy with her knitting,
and the soft, lace-like shawl lay upon her knee.
David shut the door and went to her side. His heart
183
was too full to hesitate or to choose words; the simplest
were the best.
“Nanna, I have found out that I love you,” he said.
“Nanna, dearest woman, do you hear me?”
Then her cheeks burned rosy, and she looked at
David, and her hands trembled, and the work fell from
them.
“Love me a little, my dear! Love me, Nanna!”
“I do love you, David. Who in all the world have
I but you?” And the beautiful woman stood up, and
he took her within his arms and kissed her.
For a moment or two David was happy. His large,
fair face shone; he laughed softly as he drew Nanna
to his breast. He was really as intoxicated with joy
as some men are with wine.
“We will be married next week, Nanna,” he said;
“this week–to-morrow, if you will. It has come to
this: I must leave Barbara, and there is a house empty
close to the quay, and it shall be our home, Nanna;
for I have sixty pounds, my dear woman, and at last,
at last–”
Before he reached this point he was sensible of
some chill or dissent, but he was not prepared for
Nanna’s answer:
“David, why do you talk of marrying? It is ever
that. I will not marry.”
“Not yet, Nanna? Is it too soon? But why for a
dead man will you keep me waiting?”
“I think not of any dead man.”
“Is it Vala? Vala would rejoice in our happiness.”
“I will not marry–no, not any man living.”
“Why did you say that you loved me?”
184“I do love you.”
“No; you do not.”
He put her gently away from him, and looked at her
with a somber sternness. “You do not love me,” he
continued. “If you did, you would put me first; you
would say, ‘I will be your wife.’ You would delight
to make me happy–I, who have never been happy but
in sharing your joys and sorrows.”
“O David, I do love you!”
“Then be my wife.”
“I cannot! I cannot!”
“Then you love me as light, vain women love: to
make slaves of men, and bring them back and back to
be hurt. It is not to be so with me. No, indeed!
Farewell, Nanna.”
His voice failed him. He turned toward the door,
and for a moment Nanna could not realize that he was
actually bidding her a final farewell. When she did
she flew to his side, and arrested his hand as he was
opening the door.
“Come back! Come back, David!” she entreated.
“You are all wrong; you are very cruel to me. If
you leave me it will break my heart! It will be the
last blow, David. It is the very truth.”
He hesitated enough to make Nanna weep with
passionate distress, and this emotion he was not able
to bear. He took her within his arm again, led her to
a chair, and sat down at her side, and as he kissed the
tears from her face said:
“If indeed you do love me, Nanna–”
“If I do love you!” she interrupted. “I love none
but you. You are heart of my heart and soul of my
soul. I hear you coming when you are half a mile
185
away. I have no joy but when you are beside me. I
shall die of grief if you leave me in anger. I would
count it heaven and earth to be your wife, but I dare
not! I dare not!”
She was sobbing piteously when she ended this protestation,
and David comforted her with caresses and
tender words. “What fears you, Nanna?” he asked.
“Oh, my dear, what fears you?”
“This is what I fear,” she answered, freeing herself
from his embrace, and looking steadily at him. “This
is what I fear, David. If we were married I might
have another child–I might have many children.”
Then he clasped her hand tightly, for he began to
see where Nanna was leading him, as she continued
with slow solemnity:
“Can you, can the minister, can any human being,
give me assurance they will be elect children? If
you can, I will be your wife to-morrow. If you cannot,
as the God of my father lives, I will not bring
sons and daughters into life for sin and sorrow here,
and for perdition hereafter. The devil shall not so use
my body! To people hell? No; I will not–not even
for your love, David!”
Her words, so passionate and positive, moved him
deeply. He was the old David again–the light, the
gladness, all but the tender, mournful love of the past,
gone from his face. He held both her hands, and he
looked down at them lying in his own as he answered:
“Both of us are His children, Nanna. We are His
by generations and by covenant. He has promised
mercy to such. Well, then, we may have a reasonable
hope–”
“Hope! No, no, David! I must have something
186
better than hope. I hoped for Vala, and my hope has
been my hell. And as for the child–my God! where
is the child?”
“We love God, Nanna, and the children of the
righteous–”
“Are no safer than the children of the wicked,
David. I have thought of this continually. There
was John Beaton’s son; he killed a man, and died on
the gallows-tree, to the shame and the heartbreak of
his good father and mother. The lad had been baptized,
too,–given to God when he drew his first breath,–and
God must have rejected him. Minister Stuart’s
son forged a note, and was sent with felons across the
sea. His father and mother had prayed for him all
the days of his life; he was brought to the kirk and
given to God in baptism; and God must have rejected
him also. Think of good Stephen and Anna Blair’s
children. Their daughter’s name cannot be spoken
any more, and their sons are bringing down their
gray hairs with sorrow to the grave–with sorrow and
shame too. Go through the whole kirk, the whole
town, the islands themselves, and you will be forced
to say, David, that it is the children of the righteous
that go to the devil.”
“Nanna! Nanna!”
“It is the truth, David. How the good God can
treat his bairns so, I know not; but you and I may
also deserve his wrath in like manner. I am feared
to hope different. O David, I am feared to be a
mother again!”
“Nanna! Nanna! what can I say?”
“There is nothing to say. If I should meet Vala
187
in that place where infants ‘earnestly desire to see and
love God, and yet are not able to do so,’ I should cover
my face before the child. If she blamed me, I should
shiver in speechless agony; if she did not blame me,
it would be still harder to bear. Were we only sure–but
we are not sure.”
“We are not sure.” David repeated the words with
a sad significance. Nanna’s argument, evolved from
her own misery and illustrated by that misery, had
been before David’s eyes for months. He could not
escape from such reasoning and from such proof,
and his whole life, education, and experience went to
enforce the pitiful dilemma in which their love had
placed them.
“It is His will, and we must bear it to the uttermost,”
continued Nanna, with a sorrowful resignation.
“I am very wretched, Nanna.”
“So am I, David, very wretched indeed. I used to
think monks and nuns, and such as made a merit of
not marrying, were all wrong; maybe they are nearer
right than we think for. Doubtless they have a tender
conscience toward God, and a tender conscience is what
he loves.”
Then David rose from Nanna’s side and walked
rapidly to and fro in the room. Motion helped him
to no solution of the tremendous difficulty. And
Nanna’s patient face, her fixed outward gaze, the
spiritual light of resolute decision in her eyes, gave to
her appearance an austere beauty that made him feel
as if this offering up of their love and all its earthly
sweetness was a sacrifice already tied to the horns of
the altar, and fully accepted.
188Now, the law of duty lay very close to David’s
thoughts; it was an ever-present consciousness, haunting
his very being; but the sensual nature always
shrinks away from it. David sat down and covered
his face with his hands, and began to weep–to sob as
strong men sob when their sorrow is greater than they
can bear; as they never sob until the last drop, the
bitterest drop of all, is added–the belief that God
has forsaken them. This was the agony which tore
David’s great, fond heart in two. It forced from him
the first pitiful words of reproach against his God:
“I was sure at last that I was going to be happy,
and God is not willing. From my youth up he has
ay laid upon me the rod of correction. I wish that
I had never been born!”
“My poor lad! but you are not meaning it.” And
Nanna put her arms around his neck and wept with
him. For some minutes he let her do so, for he was
comforted by her sympathy; but at last he stood up,
passed his hand across his eyes, and said as bravely
as he could:
“You are right, Nanna. If you feel in this way, I
dare not force your conscience. But I must go away
until I get over the sore disappointment.”
“Where will you go to, David?”
“Who can tell? The countries in which I may
have to earn and eat my bread I know not. But if I
was seeing you every day, I might get to feel hard at
God.”
“No, no! He fashioned us, David, and he knows
what falls and sore hurts we must get before we learn
to step sure and safe.”
189“In the end it may all be right. I know not. But
this I know: pain and cold and hunger and weariness
and loneliness I have borne with a prayer and a tight
mouth, and I have never said before that I thought
him cruel hard.”
“His ways are not cruel, my dear love; they are
only past our finding out. The eternal which makes
for righteousness cannot be cruel. And if we could
see God with our eyes, and hear him with our ears,
and understand him with our reason, what grace
would there be in believing in him? Did not the
minister say last Sabbath that our life was hid with
Christ in God, and that therefore God must first be
pierced ere we could be hurt or prejudiced? Then
let us take what comfort we can in each other’s affection,
David, and just try and believe that God’s ways
are the very best of all ways for us.”
“Sometime–perhaps–”
“And don’t leave me, David. I can bear all things
if you are near to help and comfort me.”
“Ay, ay; but women are different. I cannot fight
the temptation when I am in it; I must run away
from it. Farewell! Oh, dear, dear Nanna, farewell!”
He kissed the words upon her lips, and went hastily
out of the house; but when he had walked about one
hundred yards he returned. Nanna had thrown herself
despairingly upon the rude couch made for Vala,
and on which the child had spent most of her life.
There Nanna lay like one dead. David knelt down by
her; he took her within his arms, kissed her closed
eyes, and murmured again upon her lips his last words
of love and sorrow. Her patient acceptance of her
190
hard lot made him quiver with pain, but he knew well
that for a time, at least, they must each bear their grief
alone.
Nanna’s confession of her love for him had made
everything different. In her presence now he had not
the power to control his longing for reciprocal affection.
He felt already a blind resentment and rebellion
against fate–a sense of wrong, which it was hard to
submit to. But how could he fight circumstances
whose foundations were in eternity? At this hour, at
least, he had come to the limit of his reason and his
endurance. Again and again he kissed Nanna farewell,
and it was like tearing his life asunder when he
put away her clinging arms and left her alone with
the terrible problem that separated their lives.
There is something worse than the pang of keenest
suffering–the passive state of a subjugated heart. A
dismal, sullen stillness succeeded to David’s angry
sorrow. He avoided Barbara and shut himself in his
room. And his strong and awful prepossession in
favor of the Bible led him, first of all, to go to the
book. But he found no help there. His soul was
tossed from top to bottom, and he was vanquished by
the war in his own bosom. For in our wrestling alone
angels do not always come. And David brought his
dogmas over and over to the Scriptures, and was
crushed spiritually between them, so that at last, worn
out with the mental and heart struggle, he submitted
to the fatality he could not alter.
“I will go the right road,” he said, “however cruel
that road may be. Then death may give me back to
God a miserable man, but not a guilty one.”
191And he did not comprehend that, in thus preferring
an unseen duty because it was right to a seen pleasure
because it was pleasant, he was consummating that
sublime act of faith whose cry of victory is, “Thy
will be done.”
Nanna did not suffer so much. In the first place,
the pale, sad, almost despairing woman was glad and
dared, in her despair, because the man she loved
durst not sin, even for her. In the second, her battle
was practically over. She had been in the van of it
for months, and had come gradually to that state of
submission which fears to resist, lest resistance might
be found to be fighting against God. While David
was yet in an agony of struggle with his love and his
desires, his tender conscience and his dread of offending
the Deity, Nanna had washed away her tears, and
was strengthening her heart by saying continually, as
the glancing needles glided to and fro:
|
My God and Father, while I stray
Far from my home, on life’s rough way,
Oh, teach me from my heart to say,
“Thy will be done!”
|
For some dauntless, primitive confidence in the love
of the Maker of men is older than any creed. And
there were yet hours when Nanna’s soul outleaped its
mortal shadow and had mystic flashes, native and
sweet, beyond the reach of will and endeavor–intimations
of serenities and compensations which would be
neither small nor long delayed.