ON LOVE
My aim is to comprehend that passion, of which every
sincere development has a character of beauty.
There are four kinds of love.
1. Passion-love—that of the Portuguese nun(1), of
Héloïse for Abelard, of Captain de Vésel, of Sergeant de
Cento.
2. Gallant love—that which ruled in Paris towards
1760, to be found in the memoirs and novels of the
period, in Crébillon, Lauzun, Duclos, Marmontel, Chamfort,
Mme. d'Épinay, etc. etc.
'Tis a picture in which everything, to the very shadows,
should be rose-colour, in which may enter nothing disagreeable
under any pretext whatsoever, at the cost of a
lapse of etiquette, of good taste, of refinement, etc. A
man of breeding foresees all the ways of acting, that he is
likely to adopt or meet with in the different phases of
this love. True love is often less refined; for that in
which there is no passion and nothing unforeseen, has
always a store of ready wit: the latter is a cold and
pretty miniature, the former a picture by the Carracci.
Passion-love carries us away in defiance of all our interests,
gallant love manages always to respect them. True, if
we take from this poor love its vanity, there is very little
left: once stripped, it is like a tottering convalescent,
scarcely able to drag himself along.
3. Physical love. Out hunting—a fresh, pretty country
girl crosses your path and escapes into the wood. Everyone
knows the love founded on this kind of pleasure:
and all begin that way at sixteen, however parched and
unhappy the character.
4. Vanity-love. The vast majority of men, especially
in France, desire and have a fashionable woman, in the
same way as a man gets a fine horse, as something which
the luxury of a young man demands. Their vanity more
or less flattered, more or less piqued, gives birth to transports
of feelings. Sometimes there is also physical love,
but by no means always: often there is not so much as
physical pleasure. A duchess is never more than thirty
for a bourgeois, said the Duchesse de Chaulnes, and those
admitted to the Court of that just man, king Lewis of
Holland, recall with amusement a pretty woman from
the Hague, who could not help finding any man charming
who was Duke or Prince. But true to the principle of
monarchy, as soon as a Prince arrived at Court, the Duke
was dismissed: she was, as it were, the decoration of the
diplomatic body.
The happiest case of this uninspiring relationship is
that in which to physical pleasure is added habit. In that
case store of memories makes it resemble love a little;
there is the pique of self-esteem and sadness on being
left; then, romance forces upon us its ideas and we
believe that we are in love and melancholy, for vanity
aspires to credit itself with a great passion. This, at
least, is certain that, whatever kind of love be the source
of pleasure, as soon as the soul is stirred, the pleasure is
keen and its memory alluring, and in this passion, contrary
to most of the others, the memory of our losses
seems always to exceed the bounds of what we can hope
for in the future.
Sometimes, in vanity-love habit or despair of finding
better produces a kind of friendship, of all kinds the
least pleasant: it prides itself on its security, etc.[1]
Physical pleasure, being of our nature, is known to
everybody, but it takes no more than a subordinate
position in the eyes of tender and passionate souls. If
they raise a laugh in the salons, if often they are made
unhappy in the intrigues of society, in return the pleasure
which they feel must remain always inaccessible to those
hearts, whose beat only vanity and gold can quicken.
A few virtuous and sensitive women have scarcely a
conception of physical pleasures: they have so rarely
risked them, if one may use the expression, and even then
the transports of passion-love caused bodily pleasure
almost to be forgotten.
There are men victims and instruments of diabolical
pride, of a pride in the style of Alfieri. Those people
who, perhaps, are cruel because, like Nero, judging all
men after the pattern of their own heart, they are always
a-tremble—such people, I say, can attain physical
pleasure only in so far as it is accompanied by the greatest
possible exercise of pride, in so far, that is to say, as they
practise cruelties on the companion of their pleasures.
Hence the horrors of Justine(2). At any rate such
men have no sense of security.
To conclude, instead of distinguishing four different
forms of love, we can easily admit eight or ten shades
of difference. Perhaps mankind has as many ways of
feeling as of seeing; but these differences of nomenclature
alter in no degree the judgments which follow.
Subject to the same laws, all forms of love, which can
be seen here below, have their birth, life and death or
ascend to immortality.[2]
This is what takes place in the soul:—
1. Admiration.
2. A voice within says: "What pleasure to kiss, to be
kissed."
3. Hope(3).
We study her perfections: this is the moment at
which a woman should yield to realise the greatest
possible physical pleasure. In the case even of the most
reserved women, their eyes redden at the moment when
hope is conceived: the passion is so strong, the pleasure
so keen, that it betrays itself by striking signs.
4. Love is born.
To love—that is to have pleasure in seeing, touching,
feeling, through all the senses and as near as possible, an
object to be loved and that loves us.
5. The first crystallisation begins.
The lover delights in decking with a thousand perfections
the woman of whose love he is sure: he dwells
on all the details of his happiness with a satisfaction
that is boundless. He is simply magnifying a superb
bounty just fallen to him from heaven,—he has no
knowledge of it but the assurance of its possession.
Leave the mind of a lover to its natural movements
for twenty-four hours, and this is what you will find.
At the salt mines of Salzburg a branch stripped of its
leaves by winter is thrown into the abandoned depths
of the mine; taken out two or three months later it is
covered with brilliant crystals; the smallest twigs, those
no stouter than the leg of a sparrow, are arrayed with an
infinity of sparkling, dazzling diamonds; it is impossible
to recognise the original branch.
I call crystallisation the operation of the mind which,
from everything which is presented to it, draws the conclusion
that there are new perfections in the object of
its love.
A traveller speaks of the freshness of the orange groves
at Genoa, on the sea coast, during the scorching days of
summer.—What pleasure to enjoy that freshness with her!
One of your friends breaks his arm in the hunting-field.—How
sweet to be nursed by a woman you love!
To be always with her, to see every moment her love for
you, would make pain almost a blessing: and starting
from the broken arm of your friend, you conclude with
the absolute conviction of the angelic goodness of your
mistress. In a word, it is enough to think of a perfection
in order to see it in that which you love.
This phenomenon, which I venture to call crystallisation,
is the product of human nature, which commands
us to enjoy and sends warm blood rushing to our brain;
it springs from the conviction that the pleasures of love
increase with the perfections of its object, and from the
idea: "She is mine." The savage has no time to go
beyond the first step. He is delighted, but his mental
activity is employed in following the flying deer in the
forest, and with the flesh with which he must as soon as
possible repair his forces, or fall beneath the axe of his
enemy.
At the other pole of civilisation, I have no doubt that
a sensitive woman may come to the point of feeling no
physical pleasure but with the man she loves.[1] It is the
opposite with the savage. But among civilised peoples,
woman has leisure at her disposal, while the savage is so
pressed with necessary occupations that he is forced to
treat his female as a beast of burden. If the females
of many animals are more fortunate, it is because the
subsistence of the males is more assured.
But let us leave the backwoods again for Paris. A man
of passion sees all perfections in that which he loves.
And yet his attention may still be distracted; for the
soul has its surfeit of all that is uniform, even of perfect
bliss.[2]
This is what happens to distract his attention:—
6. Birth of Doubt.
After ten or twelve glances, or some other series of
actions, which can last as well several days as one moment,
hopes are first given and later confirmed. The lover,
recovered from his first surprise and, accustomed to his
happiness or guided by theory, which, always based on
the most frequent cases, must only take light women
into account—the lover, I say, demands more positive
proofs and wishes to press his good fortune.
He is parried with indifference,[3] coldness, even anger,
if he show too much assurance—in France a shade of
irony, which seems to say: "You are not quite as far
as you think."
A woman behaves in this way, either because she wakes
up from a moment of intoxication, and obeys the word
of modesty, which she trembles to have infringed, or
simply through prudence or coquetry.
The lover comes to doubt of the happiness, to which
he looked forward: he scans more narrowly the reasons
that he fancied he had for hope.
He would like to fall back upon the other pleasures of
life, and finds them annihilated. He is seized with the
fear of a terrible disaster, and at the same time with a
profound preoccupation.
7. Second crystallisation.
Here begins the second crystallisation, which forms
diamonds out of the proofs of the idea—"She loves me."
The night which follows the birth of doubts, every
quarter of an hour, after a moment of fearful unhappiness,
the lover says to himself—"Yes, she loves me"—and
crystallisation has its turn, discovering new charms.
Then doubt with haggard eye grapples him and brings
him to a standstill, blank. His heart forgets to beat—"But
does she love me?" he says to himself. Between
these alternatives, agonising and rapturous, the poor
lover feels in his very soul: "She would give me
pleasures, which she alone can give me and no one else."
It is the palpability of this truth, this path on the
extreme edge of a terrible abyss and within touch, on
the other hand, of perfect happiness, which gives so
great a superiority to the second crystallisation over the
first.
The lover wanders from moment to moment between
these three ideas:—
- She has every perfection.
- She loves me.
- What means of obtaining the greatest proof of her love?
The most agonising moment of love, still young, is
when it sees the false reasoning it has made, and must
destroy a whole span of crystallisation.
Doubt is the natural outcome of crystallisation.
A very small degree of hope is enough to cause the
birth of love.
In the course of events hope may fail—love is none
the less born. With a firm, daring and impetuous
character, and in an imagination developed by the troubles
of life, the degree of hope may be smaller: it can come
sooner to an end, without killing love.
If a lover has had troubles, if he is of a tender, thoughtful
character, if he despairs of other women, and if his
admiration is intense for her whom he loves, no ordinary
pleasure will succeed in distracting him from the second
crystallisation. He will prefer to dream of the most
doubtful chance of pleasing her one day, than to accept
from an ordinary woman all she could lavish.
The woman whom he loves would have to kill his
hope at that period, and (note carefully, not later) in
some inhuman manner, and overwhelm him with those
marks of patent contempt, which make it impossible to
appear again in public.
Far longer delays between all these periods are compatible
with the birth of love.
It demands much more hope and much more substantial
hope, in the case of the cold, the phlegmatic
and the prudent. The same is true of people no longer
young.
It is the second crystallisation which ensures love's
duration, for then every moment makes it clear that the
question is—be loved or die. Long months of love have
turned into habit this conviction of our every moment—how
find means to support the thought of loving no
more? The stronger the character the less is it subject
to inconstancy.
This second crystallisation is almost entirely absent
from the passions inspired by women who yield too soon.
After the crystallisations have worked—especially the
second, which is far the stronger—the branch is no longer
to be recognised by indifferent eyes, for:—
(1) It is adorned with perfections which they do not
see.
(2) It is adorned with perfections which for them are
not perfections at all.
The perfection of certain charms, mentioned to him
by an old friend of his love, and a certain hint of liveliness
noticed in her eye, are a diamond in the crystallisation[1]
of Del Rosso. These ideas, conceived during the evening,
keep him dreaming all the night.
An unexpected answer, which makes me see more
clearly a tender, generous, ardent, or, as it is popularly
called, romantic[2] soul, preferring to the happiness of
kings the simple pleasures of a walk with the loved one
at midnight in a lonely wood, gives me food for dreams[3]
for a whole night.
Let him call my mistress a prude: I shall call his a
whore.
In a soul completely detached—a girl living in a
lonely castle in the depth of the country—the
slightest astonishment may bring on a slight admiration,
and, if the faintest hope intervene, cause the birth of
love and crystallisation(4).
In this case love delights, to begin with, just as a
diversion.
Surprise and hope are strongly supported by the need,
felt at the age of sixteen, of love and sadness. It is well
known that the restlessness of that age is a thirst for love,
and a peculiarity of thirst is not to be extremely fastidious
about the kind of draught that fortune offers.
Let us recapitulate the seven stages of love. They
are:—
- Admiration.
- What pleasure, etc.
- Hope.
- Love is born.
- First crystallisation.
- Doubt appears.
- Second crystallisation.
Between Nos. 1 and 2 may pass one year. One month
between Nos. 2 and 3; but if hope does not make haste
in coming, No. 2 is insensibly resigned as a source of
unhappiness.
A twinkling of the eye between Nos. 3 and 4.
There is no interval between Nos. 4 and 5. The
sequence can only be broken by intimate intercourse.
Some days may pass between Nos. 5 and 6, according
to the degree to which the character is impetuous and used
to risk, but between Nos. 6 and 7 there is no interval.
Man is not free to avoid doing that which gives
him more pleasure to do than all other possible
actions.[1]
Love is like the fever(5), it is born and spends itself
without the slightest intervention of the will. That is
one of the principal differences between gallant-love and
passion-love. And you cannot give yourself credit for
the fair qualities in what you really love, any more than
for a happy chance.
Further, love is of all ages: observe the passion of
Madame du Deffant for the graceless Horace Walpole.
A more recent and more pleasing example is perhaps still
remembered in Paris.
In proof of great passions I admit only those of their
consequences, which are exposed to ridicule: timidity,
for example, proves love. I am not speaking of the
bashfulness of the enfranchised schoolboy.
Crystallisation scarcely ceases at all during
love. This is its history: so long as all is well
between the lover and the loved, there is crystallisation
by imaginary solution; it is only imagination which
make him sure that such and such perfection exists in
the woman he loves. But after intimate intercourse,
fears are continually coming to life, to be allayed only
by more real solutions. Thus his happiness is only uniform
in its source. Each day has a different bloom.
If the loved one yields to the passion, which she shares,
and falls into the enormous error of killing fear by the
eagerness of her transports,[1] crystallisation ceases for an
instant; but when love loses some of its eagerness, that
is to say some of its fears, it acquires the charm of entire
abandon, of confidence without limits: a sense of
sweet familiarity comes to take the edge from all the
pains of life, and give to fruition another kind of interest.
Are you deserted?—Crystallisation begins again; and
every glance of admiration, the sight of every happiness
which she can give you, and of which you thought no
longer, leads up to this agonising reflexion: "That happiness,
that charm, I shall meet it no more. It is lost and
the fault is mine!" You may look for happiness in sensations
of another kind. Your heart refuses to feel them.
Imagination depicts for you well enough the physical
situation, mounts you well enough on a fast hunter in
Devonshire woods.[2] But you feel quite certain that there
you would find no pleasure. It is the optical illusion
produced by a pistol shot.
Gaming has also its crystallisation, provoked by the
use of the sum of money to be won.
The hazards of Court life, so regretted by the nobility,
under the name of Legitimists, attached themselves so
dearly only by the crystallisation they provoked. No
courtier existed who did not dream of the rapid fortune
of a Luynes or a Lauzun, no charming woman who did
not see in prospect the duchy of Madame de Polignac.
No rationalist government can give back that crystallisation.
Nothing is so anti-imagination as the government
of the United States of America. We have noticed that
to their neighbours, the savages, crystallisation is almost
unknown. The Romans scarcely had an idea of it, and
discovered it only for physical love.
Hate has its crystallisation: as soon as it is possible to
hope for revenge, hate begins again.
If every creed, in which there is absurdity and inconsequence,
tends to place at the head of the party the people
who are most absurd, that is one more of the effects of
crystallisation. Even in mathematics (observe the
Newtonians in 1740) crystallisation goes on in the mind,
which cannot keep before it at every moment every
part of the demonstration of that which it believes.
In proof, see the destiny of the great German philosophers,
whose immortality, proclaimed so often, never
manages to last longer than thirty or forty years.
It is the impossibility of fathoming the "why?" of
our feelings, which makes the most reasonable man a
fanatic in music.
In face of certain contradictions it is not possible to be
convinced at will that we are right.
Women attach themselves by the favours they dispense.
As nineteen-twentieths of their ordinary
dreams are relative to love, after intimate intercourse
these day-dreams group themselves round a single object;
they have to justify a course so extraordinary, so decisive,
so contrary to all the habits of modesty. Men have no
such task; and, besides, the imagination of women has
time to work in detail upon the sweetness of such
moments.
As love casts doubts upon things the best proved, the
woman who, before she gave herself, was perfectly sure
that her lover was a man above the crowd, no sooner
thinks she has nothing left to refuse him, than she is all
fears lest he was only trying to put one more woman on
his list.
Then, and then only appears the second crystallisation,
which, being hand in hand with fear, is far the stronger.[1]
Yesterday a queen, to-day she sees herself a slave. This
state of soul and mind is encouraged in a woman by the
nervous intoxication resulting from pleasures, which are
just so much keener as they are more rare. Besides, a
woman before her embroidery frame—insipid work
which only occupies the hand—is thinking about her
lover; while he is galloping with his squadron over the
plain, where leading one wrong movement would bring
him under arrest.
I should think, therefore, that the second crystallisation
must be far stronger in the case of women, because
theirs are more vivid fears; their vanity and honour are
compromised; distraction at least is more difficult.
A woman cannot be guided by the habit of being
reasonable, which I, Man, working at things cold and
reasonable for six hours every day, contract at my office perforce.
Even outside love, women are inclined to abandon
themselves to their imagination and habitual high spirits:
faults, therefore, in the object of their love ought more
rapidly to disappear.
Women prefer emotion to reason—that is plain: in
virtue of the futility of our customs, none of the affairs
of the family fall on their shoulders, so that reason is of
no use to them and they never find it of any practical
good.
On the contrary, to them it is always harmful; for the
only object of its appearance is to scold them for the
pleasures of yesterday, or forbid them others for tomorrow.
Give over to your wife the management of your dealings
with the bailiffs of two of your farms—I wager the
accounts will be kept better than by you, and then, sorry
tyrant, you will have the right at least to complain, since
to make yourself loved you do not possess the talent.
As soon as women enter on general reasonings, they are
unconsciously making love. But in matters of detail
they take pride in being stricter and more exact
than men. Half the small trading is put into the hands
of women, who acquit themselves of it better than their
husbands. It is a well-known maxim that, if you are
speaking business with a woman, you cannot be too serious.
This is because they are at all times and in all places
greedy of emotion.—Observe the pleasures of burial
rites in Scotland.
This was her favoured fairy realm, and here she erected her aerial
palaces.—Bride of Lammermoor, Chap. III.
A girl of eighteen has not enough crystallisation
in her power, forms desires too limited by her
narrow experiences of the things of life, to be in a position
to love with as much passion as a woman of twenty-eight(4).
This evening I was exposing this doctrine to a clever
woman, who maintains the contrary. "A girl's imagination
being chilled by no disagreeable experience, and the
prime of youth burning with all its force, any man can
be the motive upon which she creates a ravishing image.
Every time that she meets her lover, she will enjoy, not
what he is in reality, but that image of delight which she
has created for herself.
"Later, she is by this lover and by all men disillusioned,
experience of the dark reality has lessened in her
the power of crystallisation, mistrust has clipped the
wings of imagination. At the instance of no man on
earth, were he a very prodigy, could she form so irresistible
an image: she could love no more with the same
fire of her first youth. And as in love it is only the
illusion formed by ourselves which we enjoy, never can
the image, which she may create herself at twenty-eight,
have the brilliance and the loftiness on which first love
was built at sixteen: the second will always seem of a
degenerate species."
"No, madam. Evidently it is the presence of mistrust,
absent at sixteen, which must give to this second
love a different colour. In early youth love is like an
immense stream, which sweeps all before it in its course,
and we feel that we cannot resist it. Now at twenty-eight
a gentle heart knows itself: it knows that, if it is
still to find some happiness in life, from love it must be
claimed; and this poor, torn heart becomes the seat of
a fearful struggle between love and mistrust. Crystallisation
proceeds gradually; but the crystallisation, which
emerges triumphant from this terrible proof, in which
the soul in all its movements never loses sight of the
most awful danger, is a thousand times more brilliant and
more solid than crystallisation at sixteen, in which everything,
by right of age, is gaiety and happiness."
"In this way love should be less gay and more passionate."[1]
This conversation (Bologna, 9 March, 1820), bringing
into doubt a point which seemed to me so clear, makes
me believe more and more, that a man can say practically
nothing with any sense on that which happens in
the inmost heart of a woman of feeling: as to a coquet
it is different—we also have senses and vanity.
The disparity between the birth of love in the two
sexes would seem to come from the nature of their hopes,
which are different. One attacks, the other defends;
one asks, the other refuses; one is daring, the other timid.
The man reflects: "Can I please her? Will she love
me?"
The woman: "When he says he loves me, isn't it for
sport? Is his a solid character? Can he answer to himself
for the length of his attachments?" Thus it is that
many women regard and treat a young man of twenty-three
as a child. If he has gone through six campaigns,
he finds everything different—he is a young hero.
On the man's side, hope depends simply on the actions
of that which he loves—nothing easier to interpret. On
the side of woman, hope must rest on moral considerations—very
difficult rightly to appreciate.
Most men demand such a proof of love, as to their
mind dissipates all doubts; women are not so fortunate
as to be able to find such a proof. And there is in life
this trouble for lovers—that what makes the security and
happiness of one, makes the danger and almost the
humiliation of the other.
In love, men run the risk of the secret torture of the
soul—women expose themselves to the scoffs of the public;
they are more timid, and, besides, for them public opinion
means much more.—"Sois considérée, il le faut."[2]
They have not that sure means of ours of mastering
public opinion by risking for an instant their life.
Women, then, must naturally be far more mistrustful.
In virtue of their habits, all the mental movements,
which form periods in the birth of love, are in their case
more mild, more timid, more gradual and less decided.
There is therefore a greater disposition to constancy;
they will less easily withdraw from a crystallisation once
begun.
A woman, seeing her lover, reflects with rapidity, or
yields to the happiness of loving—happiness from which
she is recalled in a disagreeable manner, if he make the
least attack; for at the call to arms all pleasures must be
abandoned.
The lover's part is simpler—he looks in the eyes of the
woman he loves; a single smile can raise him to the
zenith of happiness, and he looks continually for it.[3]
The length of the siege humiliates a man; on the contrary
it makes a woman's glory.
A woman is capable of loving and, for an entire year,
not saying more than ten or twelve words to the man
whom she loves. At the bottom of her heart she keeps
note how often she has seen him—twice she went with
him to the theatre, twice she sat near him at dinner,
three times he bowed to her out walking.
One evening during some game he kissed her hand:
it is to be noticed that she allows no one since to kiss it
under any pretext, at the risk even of seeming peculiar.
In a man, Léonore(6) remarked to me, such conduct
would be called a feminine way of love.
I make every possible effort to be dry. I would
impose silence upon my heart, which feels that it,
has much to say. When I think that I have noted a
truth, I always tremble lest I have written only a sigh.
In proof of crystallisation I shall content myself with
recalling the following anecdote. A young woman
hears that Edward, her relation, who is to return from
the Army, is a youth of great distinction; she is assured
that he loves her on her reputation; but he will want
probably to see her, before making a proposal and asking
her of her parents. She notices a young stranger at
church, she hears him called Edward, she thinks of nothing
but him—she is in love with him. Eight days later the
real Edward arrives; he is not the Edward of church.
She turns pale and will be unhappy for ever, if she is
forced to marry him.
That is what the poor of understanding call an example
of the senselessness of love.
A man of generosity lavishes the most delicate benefits
upon a girl in distress. No one could have more virtues,
and love was about to be born; but he wears a shabby
hat, and she notices that he is awkward in the saddle.
The girl confesses with a sigh that she cannot return the
warm feelings, which he evidently has for her.
A man pays his attentions to a lady of the greatest
respectability. She hears that this gentleman has had
physical troubles of a comical nature: she finds him
intolerable. And yet she had no intention of giving
herself to him, and these secret troubles in no way
blighted his understanding or amiability. It is simply
that crystallisation was made impossible.
In order that a human being may delight in deifying
an object to be loved, be it taken from the Ardennes
forest or picked up at a Bal de Coulon, that it seems to
him perfect is the first necessity—perfect by no means
in every relation, but in every relation in which it is seen
at the time. Perfect in all respects it will seem only after
several days of the second crystallisation. The reason is
simple—then it is enough to have the idea of a perfection
in order to see it in the object of our love.
Beauty is only thus far necessary to the birth of love—ugliness
must not form an obstacle. The lover soon
comes to find his mistress beautiful, such as she is, without
thinking of ideal beauty.
The features which make up the ideally beautiful
would promise, if he could see them, a quantity of
happiness, if I may use the expression, which I would
express by the number one; whereas the features of his
mistress, such as they are, promise him one thousand
units of happiness.
Before the birth of love beauty is necessary as advertisement:
it predisposes us towards that passion by means
of the praises, which we hear given to the object of our
future love. Very eager admiration makes the smallest
hope decisive.
In gallant-love, and perhaps in passion-love during the
first five minutes, a woman, considering a possible lover,
gives more weight to the way in which he is seen by other
women, than to the way in which she sees him herself.
Hence the success of princes and officers.[1] The pretty
women of the Court of old king Lewis XIV were in love
with that sovereign.
Great care should be taken not to offer facilities to
hope, before it is certain that admiration is there. It
might give rise to dullness, which makes love for ever
impossible, and which, at any rate, is only to be cured
by the sting of wounded pride.
No one feels sympathy for the simpleton, nor for a
smile which is always there; hence the necessity in society
of a veneer of rakishness—that is, the privileged manner.
From too debased a plant we scorn to gather even a
smile. In love, our vanity disdains a victory which is too
easy; and in all matters man is not given to magnifying
the value of an offering.
Crystallisation having once begun, we enjoy
with delight each new beauty discovered in that
which we love.
But what is beauty? It is the appearance of an aptitude
for giving you pleasure.
The pleasures of all individuals are different and often
opposed to one another; which explains very well how
that, which is beauty for one individual, is ugliness for
another. (Conclusive example of Del Rosso and Lisio,
1st January, 1820.)
The right way to discover the nature of beauty is to
look for the nature of the pleasures of each individual.
Del Rosso, for example, needs a woman who allows a
certain boldness of movement, and who by her smiles
authorises considerable licence; a woman who at each
instant holds physical pleasures before his imagination,
and who excites in him the power of pleasing,
while giving him at the same time the means of displaying
it.
Apparently, by love Del Rosso understands physical
love, and Lisio passion-love. Obviously they are not
likely to agree about the word beauty.[1]
The beauty then, discovered by you, being the appearance
of an aptitude for giving you pleasure, and pleasure
being different from pleasure as man from man, the
crystallisation formed in the head of each individual
must bear the colour of that individual's pleasures.
A man's crystallisation of his mistress, or her beauty,
is no other thing than the collection of all the satisfactions
of all the desires, which he can have felt successively
at her instance.
Why do we enjoy with delight each new beauty,
discovered in that which we love?
It is because each new beauty gives the full and entire
satisfaction of a desire. You wish your mistress gentle—she
is gentle; and then you wish her proud like Emilie
in Corneille, and although these qualities are probably
incompatible, instantly she appears with the soul of a
Roman. That is the moral reason which makes love the
strongest of the passions. In all others, desires must
accommodate themselves to cold realities; here it is
realities which model themselves spontaneously upon
desires. Of all the passions, therefore, it is in love that
violent desires find the greatest satisfaction.
There are certain general conditions of happiness,
whose influence extends over every fulfilment of particular
desires:—
1. She seems to belong to you, for you only can make
her happy.
2. She is the judge of your worth. This condition
was very important at the gallant and chivalrous Courts
of Francis I and Henry II, and at the elegant Court of
Lewis XV. Under a constitutional and rationalist
government women lose this range of influence
entirely.
3. For a romantic heart—The loftier her soul, the more
sublime will be the pleasures that await her in your arms,
and the more purified of the dross of all vulgar considerations.
The majority of young Frenchmen are, at eighteen,
disciples of Rousseau; for them this condition of happiness
is important.
In the midst of operations so apt to mislead our desire
of happiness, there is no keeping cool.
For, the moment he is in love, the steadiest man sees
no object such as it is. His own advantages he minimises,
and magnifies the smallest favours of the loved one.
Fears and hopes take at once a tinge of the romantic.
(Wayward.) He no longer attributes anything to chance;
he loses the perception of probability; in its effect upon
his happiness a thing imagined is a thing existent.[1]
A terrible symptom that you are losing your head:—you
think of some little thing which is difficult to make
out; you see it white, and interpret that in favour of
your love; a moment later you notice that actually it
is black, and still you find it conclusively favourable to
your love.
Then indeed the soul, a prey to mortal uncertainties,
feels keenly the need of a friend. But there is no friend
for the lover. The Court knew that; and it is the
source of the only kind of indiscretion which a woman
of delicacy might forgive.
That which is most surprising in the passion of love
is the first step—the extravagance of the change,
which comes over a man's brain.
The fashionable world, with its brilliant parties, is of
service to love in favouring this first step.
It begins by changing simple admiration (i) into tender
admiration (ii)—what pleasure to kiss her, etc.
In a salon lit by thousands of candles a fast valse throws
a fever upon young hearts, eclipses timidity, swells the
consciousness of power—in fact, gives them the daring
to love. For to see a lovable object is not enough: on
the contrary, the fact that it is extremely lovable discourages
a gentle soul—he must see it, if not in love
with him,[1] at least despoiled of its majesty.
Who takes it into his head to become the paramour of
a queen unless the advances are from her?[2]
Thus nothing is more favourable to the birth of love
than a life of irksome solitude, broken now and again by
a long-desired ball. This is the plan of wise mothers
who have daughters.
The real fashionable world, such as was found at the
Court of France,[3] and which since 1780,[4] I think, exists
no more, was unfavourable to love, because it made the
solitude and the leisure, indispensable to the work of
crystallisation, almost impossible.
Court life gives the habit of observing and making a
great number of subtle distinctions, and the subtlest
distinction may be the beginning of an admiration and
of a passion.[5]
When the troubles of love are mixed with those of
another kind (the troubles of vanity—if your mistress
offend your proper pride, your sense of honour or personal
dignity—troubles of health, money and political
persecution, etc.), it is only in appearance that love is
increased by these annoyances. Occupying the imagination
otherwise, they prevent crystallisation in love still
hopeful, and in happy love the birth of little doubts.
When these misfortunes have departed, the sweetness
and the folly of love return.
Observe that misfortunes favour the birth of love in
light and unsensitive characters, and that, after it is
born, misfortunes, which existed before, are favourable to
it; in as much as the imagination, recoiling from the
gloomy impressions offered by all the other circumstances
of life, throws itself wholly into the work of crystallisation.
The following point, which will be disputed, I offer
only to those—shall I say unhappy enough?—to
have loved with passion during long years, and loved in
the face of invincible obstacles:—
The sight of all that is extremely beautiful in nature
and in art recalls, with the swiftness of lightning, the
memory of that which we love. It is by the process of
the jewelled branch in the mines of Salzburg, that
everything in the world which is beautiful and lofty contributes
to the beauty of that which we love, and that
forthwith a sudden glimpse of delight fills the eyes with
tears. In this way, love and the love of beauty give life
mutually to one another.
One of life's miseries is that the happiness of seeing
and talking to the object of our love leaves no distinct
memories behind. The soul, it seems, is too troubled by
its emotions for that which causes or accompanies them
to impress it. The soul and its sensations are one and
the same. It is perhaps because these pleasures cannot
be used up by voluntary recollection, that they return
again and again with such force, as soon as ever some
object comes to drag us from day-dreams devoted to
the woman we love, and by some new connexion[1] to
bring her still more vividly to our memory.
A dry old architect used to meet her in society every
evening. Following a natural impulse, and without
paying attention to what I was saying to her,[2] I one day
sang his praises in a sentimental and pompous strain,
which made her laugh at me. I had not the strength
to say to her: "He sees you every evening."
So powerful is this sensation that it extends even to
the person of my enemy, who is always at her side. When
I see her, she reminds me of Léonore so much, that at
the time I cannot hate her, however much I try.
It looks as if, by a curious whim of the heart, the charm,
which the woman we love can communicate, were greater
than that which she herself possesses. The vision of that
distant city, where we saw her a moment,[3] throws us into
dreams sweeter and more profound than would her
very presence. It is the effect of harsh treatment.
The day-dreams of love cannot be scrutinised. I
have observed that I can re-read a good novel every three
years with the same pleasure. It gives me feelings akin
to the kind of emotional taste, which dominates me at
the moment, or if my feelings are nil, makes for variety
in my ideas. Also, I can listen with pleasure to the same
music, but, in this, memory must not intrude. The
imagination should be affected and nothing else; if, at
the twentieth representation, an opera gives more pleasure,
it is either because the music is better understood,
or because it also brings back the feeling it gave at the
first.
As to new lights, which a novel may throw upon our
knowledge of the human heart, I still remember clearly
the old ones, and am pleased even to find them noted in
the margin. But this kind of pleasure pertains to the
novels, in so far as they advance me in the knowledge
of man, and not in the least to day-dreaming—the
veritable pleasure of novels. Such day-dreaming is
inscrutable. To watch it is for the present to kill it, for
you fall into a philosophical analysis of pleasure; and it
is killing it still more certainly for the future, for nothing
is surer to paralyse the imagination than the appeal to
memory(9). If I find in the margin a note, depicting
my feelings on reading Old Mortality three years ago in
Florence, I am plunged immediately into the history of
my life, into an estimate of the degree of happiness at
the two epochs, in short, into the deepest problems of
philosophy—and then good-bye for a long season to the
unchecked play of tender feelings.
Every great poet with a lively imagination is timid,
he is afraid of men, that is to say, for the interruptions
and troubles with which they can invade the delight of
his dreams. He fears for his concentration. Men come
along with their gross interests to drag him from the
gardens of Armida, and force him into a fetid slough:
only by irritating him can they fix his attention on themselves.
It is this habit of feeding his soul upon touching
dreams and this horror of the vulgar which draws a great
artist so near to love.
The more of the great artist a man has in him, the
more must he wish for titles and honours as a bulwark.
Suddenly in the midst of the most violent and
the most thwarted passion come moments, when a
man believes that he is in love no longer—as it were a
spring of fresh water in the middle of the sea. To think
of his mistress is no longer very much pleasure, and,
although he is worn-out by the severity of her treatment,
the fact that everything in life has lost its interest is a
still greater misery. After a manner of existence which,
fitful though it was, gave to all nature a new aspect,
passionate and absorbing, now follows the dreariest and
most despondent void.
It may be that your last visit to the woman, whom you
love, left you in a situation, from which, once before,
your imagination had gathered the full harvest of sensation.
For example, after a period of coldness, she has
treated you less badly, letting you conceive exactly the
same degree of hope and by the same external signs as
on a previous occasion—all this perhaps unconsciously.
Imagination picks up memory and its sinister warnings
by the way, and instantly crystallisation[1] ceases.
In a small port, the name of which I forget, near Perpignan, 25th
February, 1822.[1]
This evening I have just found out that music,
when it is perfect, puts the heart into the same
state as it enjoys in the presence of the loved one—that
is to say, it gives seemingly the keenest happiness existing
on the face of the earth.
If this were so for all men, there would be no more
favourable incentive to love.
But I had already remarked at Naples last year that
perfect music, like perfect pantomime, makes me think
of that which is at the moment the object of my dreams,
and that the ideas, which it suggests to me, are excellent:
at Naples, it was on the means of arming the Greeks.
Now this evening I cannot deceive myself—I have the
misfortune of being too great an admirer of milady
L.[2]
And perhaps the perfect music, which I have had the
luck to hear again, after two or three months of privation,
although going nightly to the Opera, has simply had
the effect, which I recognised long ago—I mean that of
producing lively thoughts on what is already in the
heart.
March 4th—eight days later.
I dare neither erase nor approve the preceding
observation. Certain it is that, as I wrote it, I read it
in my heart. If to-day I bring it into question, it is
because I have lost the memory of what I saw at that
time.
The habit of hearing music and dreaming its dreams
disposes towards love. A sad and gentle air, provided it
is not too dramatic, so that the imagination is forced to
dwell on the action, is a direct stimulant to dreams of
love and a delight for gentle and unhappy souls: for
example, the drawn-out passage on the clarionet at the
beginning of the quartet in Bianca and Faliero(10),
and the recitative of La Camporesi towards the middle
of the quartet.
A lover at peace with his mistress enjoys to distraction
Rossini's famous duet in Armida and Rinaldo, depicting
so justly the little doubts of happy love and the moments
of delight which follow its reconciliations. It seems to
him that the instrumental part, which comes in the middle
of the duet, at the moment when Rinaldo wishes to fly,
and represents in such an amazing way the conflict of
the passions, has a physical influence upon his heart and
touches it in reality. On this subject I dare not say what
I feel; I should pass for a madman among people of the
north.
Alberic meets in a box at the theatre a woman
more beautiful than his mistress (I beg to be
allowed here a mathematical valuation)—that is to say,
her features promise three units of happiness instead of
two, supposing the quantity of happiness given by perfect
beauty to be expressed by the number four.
Is it surprising that he prefers the features of his
mistress, which promise a hundred units of happiness
for him? Even the minor defects of her face, a small-pox
mark, for example, touches the heart of the man
who loves, and, when he observes them even in another
woman, sets him dreaming far away. What, then, when
he sees them in his mistress? Why, he has felt a thousand
sentiments in presence of that small-pox mark, sentiments
for the most part sweet, and all of the greatest
interest; and now, such as they are, they are evoked
afresh with incredible vividness by the sight of this
sign, even in the face of another woman.
If ugliness thus comes to be preferred and loved, it is
because in this case ugliness is beauty.[1] A man was
passionately in love with a woman, very thin and scarred
with small-pox: death bereft him of her. At Rome,
three years after, he makes friends with two women, one
more lovely than the day, the other thin, scarred with
small-pox, and thereby, if you will, quite ugly. There
he is, at the end of a week, in love with the ugly one—and
this week he employs in effacing her ugliness with
his memories; and with a very pardonable coquetry
the lesser beauty did not fail to help him in the operation
with a slight whip-up of the pulse.[2] A man meets a
woman and is offended by her ugliness; soon, if she is
unpretentious, her expression makes him forget the defects
of her features; he finds her amiable—he conceives that
one could love her. A week later he has hopes; another
week and they are taken from him; another and he's
mad.
An analogy is to be seen at the theatre in the
reception of the public's favourite actors: the
spectators are no longer conscious of the beauty or ugliness
which the actors have in reality. Lekain, for all his
remarkable ugliness, had a harvest of broken hearts—Garrick
also. There are several reasons for this; the
principal being that it was no longer the actual beauty
of their features or their ways which people saw, but
emphatically that which imagination was long since
used to lend them, as a return for, and in memory
of, all the pleasure they had given it. Why, take a
comedian—his face alone raises a laugh as he first
walks on.
A girl going for the first time to the Français would
perhaps feel some antipathy to Lekain during the first
scene; but soon he was making her weep or shiver—and
how resist him as Tancrède[1] or Orosmane?
If his ugliness were still a little visible to her eyes, the
fervour of an entire audience, and the nervous effect
produced upon a young heart,[2] soon managed to eclipse
it. If anything was still heard about his ugliness, it was
mere talk; but not a word of it—Lekain's lady enthusiasts
could be heard to exclaim "He's lovely!"
Remember that beauty is the expression of character,
or, put differently, of moral habits, and that consequently
it is exempt from all passion. Now it is passion that
we want. Beauty can only supply us with probabilities
about a woman, and probabilities, moreover, based on her
capacity for self-possession; while the glances of your
mistress with her small-pox scars are a delightful reality,
which destroys all the probabilities in the world.
A woman of quick fancy and tender heart, but
timid and cautious in her sensibility, who the day
after she appears in society, passes in review a thousand
times nervously and painfully all that she may have said
or given hint of—such a woman, I say, grows easily used
to want of beauty in a man: it is hardly an obstacle in
rousing her affection.
It is really on the same principle that you care next
to nothing for the degree of beauty in a mistress, whom
you adore and who repays you with harshness. You have
very nearly stopped crystallising her beauty, and when
your friend in need tells you that she isn't pretty, you
are almost ready to agree. Then he thinks he has made
great way.
My friend, brave Captain Trab, described to me this
evening his feelings on seeing Mirabeau once upon a
time. No one looking upon that great man felt a disagreeable
sensation in the eyes—that is to say, found him
ugly. People were carried away by his thundering words;
they fixed their attention, they delighted in fixing their
attention, only on what was beautiful in his face. As
he had practically no beautiful features (in the sense of
sculpturesque or picturesque beauty) they minded only
what beauty he had of another kind, the beauty of expression.[1]
While attention was blind to all traces of ugliness,
picturesquely speaking, it fastened on the smallest passable
details with fervour—for example, the beauty of his
vast head of hair. If he had had horns, people would
have thought them lovely.[2]
The appearance every evening of a pretty dancer
forces a little interest from those poor souls, blasé or
bereft of imagination, who adorn the balcony of the
opera. By her graceful movements, daring and strange,
she awakens their physical love and procures them perhaps
the only crystallisation of which they are still capable.
This is the way by which a young scarecrow, who in the
street would not have been honoured with a glance, least
of all from people the worse for wear, has only to appear
frequently on the stage, and she manages to get herself
handsomely supported. Geoffroy used to say that the
theatre is the pedestal of woman. The more notorious
and the more dilapidated a dancer, the more she is
worth; hence the green-room proverb: "Some get
sold at a price who wouldn't be taken as a gift." These
women steal part of their passions from their lovers,
and are very susceptible of love from pique.
How manage not to connect generous or lovable sentiments
with the face of an actress, in whose features there
is nothing repugnant, whom for two hours every evening
we see expressing the most noble feelings, and whom
otherwise we do not know? When at last you succeed
in being received by her, her features recall such pleasing
feelings, that the entire reality which surrounds her,
however little nobility it may sometimes possess, is
instantly invested with romantic and touching colours.
"Devotee, in the days of my youth, of that boring
French tragedy,[3] whenever I had the luck of supping
with Mlle. Olivier, I found myself every other moment
overbrimming with respect, in the belief that I was
speaking to a queen; and really I have never been quite
sure whether, in her case, I had fallen in love with a
queen or a pretty tart."
Perhaps men who are not susceptible to the feelings
of passion-love are those most keenly sensitive to
the effects of beauty: that at least is the strongest impression
which such men can receive of women.
He who has felt his heart beating at a distant glimpse
of the white satin hat of the woman he loves, is quite
amazed by the chill left upon him by the approach of
the greatest beauty in the world. He may even have a
qualm of distress, to observe the excitement of others.
Extremely lovely women cause less surprise the second
day. 'Tis a great misfortune, it discourages crystallisation.
Their merit being obvious to all and public
property, they are bound to reckon more fools in the
list of their lovers than princes, millionaires, etc.[1]
Imaginative souls are sensitive and also mistrustful,
even the most ingenuous,[1]—I maintain.
They may be suspicious without knowing it: they have
had so many disappointments in life. Thus everything
set-out and official, when a man is first introduced, scares
the imagination and drives away the possibility of crystallisation;
the romantic is then, on the contrary, love's
triumph.
Nothing simpler—for in the supreme astonishment,
which keeps the thoughts busy for long upon something
out of the ordinary, is already half the mental exercise
necessary to crystallisation.
I will quote the beginning of the Amours of Séraphine
(Gil Blas, Bk. IV, Chap. X). It is Don Fernando who
tells the story of his flight, when pursued by the agents
of the inquisition....
After crossing several walks I came to a drawing-room, the
door of which was also left open. I entered, and when I had
observed all its magnificence.... One side of the room a door
stood ajar; I partly opened it and saw a suite of apartments
whereof only the furthest was lighted. "What is to be done
now?" I asked myself.... I could not resist my curiosity....
Advancing boldly, I went through all the rooms and reached one
where there was a light—to wit, a taper upon a marble table in a
silver-gilt candlestick.... But soon afterwards, casting my eyes
upon a bed, the curtains of which were partly drawn on account
of the heat, I perceived an object which at once engrossed my
attention: a young lady, fast asleep in spite of the noise of the
thunder, which had just been bursting forth. I softly drew near
her. My mind was suddenly troubled at the sight. Whilst I
feasted my eyes with the pleasure of beholding her, she awoke.
Imagine her surprise at seeing in her room at midnight a man
who was an utter stranger to her! She trembled on beholding
me and shrieked aloud.... I took pains to reassure her and
throwing myself on my knees before her, said—"Madam, have
no fear." She called her women.... Grown a little braver by
his (an old servant's) presence, she haughtily asked me who
was, etc. etc."[2]
There is an introduction not easily to be forgotten!
On the other hand, could there be anything sillier in our
customs of to-day than the official, and at the same time
almost sentimental, introduction of the young wooer to
his future wife: such legal prostitution goes so far as to
be almost offensive to modesty.
"I have just been present this afternoon, February
17th, 1790," says Chamfort, "at a so-called family
function. That is to say, men of respectable reputation
and a decent company were congratulating on her
good fortune Mlle. de Marille, a young person of
beauty, wit and virtue, who is to be favoured with becoming
the wife of M. R.—an unhealthy dotard, repulsive,
dishonest, and mad, but rich: she has seen him for the
third time to-day, when signing the contract. If anything
characterises an age of infamy, it is the jubilation on
an occasion like this, it is the folly of such joy and—looking
ahead—the sanctimonious cruelty, with which the
same society will heap contempt without reserve upon
the pettiest imprudence of a poor young woman in
love."
Ceremony of all kinds, being in its essence something
affected and set-out beforehand, in which the point is to
act "properly," paralyses the imagination and leaves it
awake only to that which is opposed to the object of the
ceremony, e. g. something comical—whence the magic
effect of the slightest joke. A poor girl, struggling against
nervousness and attacks of modesty during the official
introduction of her fiancé, can think of nothing but
the part she is playing, and this again is a certain means
of stifling the imagination.
Modesty has far more to say against getting into bed
with a man whom you have seen but twice, after
three Latin words have been spoken in church, than
against giving way despite yourself to the man whom for
two years you have adored. But I am talking double
Dutch.
The fruitful source of the vices and mishaps, which
follow our marriages nowadays, is the Church of Rome.
It makes liberty for girls impossible before marriage, and
divorce impossible, when once they have made their mistake,
or rather when they find out the mistake of the choice
forced on them. Compare Germany, the land of happy
marriages: a delightful princess (Madame la Duchesse
de Sa——) has just married in all good faith for the
fourth time, and has not failed to ask to the wedding
her three first husbands, with whom she is on the best
terms. That is going too far; but a single divorce, which
punishes a husband for his tyranny, prevents a thousand
cases of unhappy wedded life. What is amusing is that
Rome is one of the places where you see most divorces.
Love goes out at first sight towards a face, which reveals
in a man at once something to respect and something to
pity.
The most fastidious spirits are very given to curiosity
and prepossession: this is to be seen, especially, in
beings in which that sacred fire, the source of the passions,
is extinct—in fact it is one of the most fatal symptoms.
There is also the infatuation of schoolboys just admitted
to society. At the two poles of life, with too much or
too little sensibility, there is little chance of simple
people getting the right effect from things, or feeling the
genuine sensation which they ought to give. These
beings, either too ardent or excessive in their ardour,
amorous on credit, if one may use the expression, throw
themselves at objects instead of awaiting them.
From afar off and without looking they enfold things
in that imaginary charm, of which they find a perennial
source within themselves, long before sensation, which
is the consequence of the object's nature, has had time
to reach them. Then, on coming to close quarters, they
see these things not such as they are, but as they have
made them; they think they are enjoying such and
such an object, while, under cover of that object, they are
enjoying themselves. But one fine day a man gets tired
of keeping the whole thing going; he discovers that his
idol is not playing the game; infatuation collapses and
the resulting shock to his self-esteem makes him unfair
to that which he appreciated too highly.
So ridiculous an expression ought to be changed, yet
the thing exists. I have seen the amiable and noble
Wilhelmina, the despair of the beaux of Berlin, making
light of love and laughing at its folly. In the brilliance of
youth, wit, beauty and all kinds of good luck—a boundless
fortune, giving her the opportunity of developing all her
qualities, seemed to conspire with nature to give the world
an example, rarely seen, of perfect happiness bestowed
upon an object perfectly worthy. She was twenty-three
years old and, already some time at Court, had won the
homage of the bluest blood. Her virtue, unpretentious
but invulnerable, was quoted as a pattern. Henceforth
the most charming men, despairing of their powers of
fascination, aspired only to make her their friend. One
evening she goes to a ball at Prince Ferdinand's: she
dances for ten minutes with a young Captain.
"From that moment," she writes subsequently to a
friend,[1] "he was master of my heart and of me, and this
to a degree that would have filled me with terror, if the
happiness of seeing Herman had left me time to think of
the rest of existence. My only thought was to observe
whether he gave me a little notice.
"To-day the only consolation that I might find for
my fault is to nurse the illusion within me, that it is
through a superior power that I am lost to reason and to
myself. I have no word to describe, in a way that comes
at all near the reality, the degree of disorder and turmoil
to which the mere sight of him could bring my whole
being. I blush to think of the rapidity and the violence
with which I was drawn towards him. If his first word,
when at last he spoke to me, had been 'Do you adore
me?'—truly I should not have had the power to have
answered anything but 'yes.' I was far from thinking
that the effect of a feeling could be at once so sudden
and so unforeseen. In fact, for an instant, I believed
that I had been poisoned.
"Unhappily you and the world, my dear friend, know
how well I have loved Herman. Well, after quarter of an
hour he was so dear to me that he cannot have become
dearer since. I saw then all his faults and I forgave them
all, provided only he would love me.
"Soon after I had danced with him, the king left:
Herman, who belonged to the suite, had to follow him.
With him, everything in nature disappeared. It is no
good to try to depict the excess of weariness with which
I felt weighed down, as soon as he was out of my sight.
It was equal only to the keenness of my desire to be
alone with myself.
"At last I got away. No sooner the door of my room
shut and bolted than I wanted to resist my passion. I
thought I should succeed. Ah, dear friend, believe me
I paid dear that evening and the following days for the
pleasure of being able to credit myself with some virtue."
The preceding lines are the exact story of an event
which was the topic of the day; for after a month or
two poor Wilhelmina was unfortunate enough for people
to take notice of her feelings. Such was the origin of
that long series of troubles by which she perished so
young and so tragically—poisoned by herself or her
lover. All that we could see in this young Captain was
that he was an excellent dancer; he had plenty of gaiety
and still more assurance, a general air of good nature and
spent his time with prostitutes; for the rest, scarcely a
nobleman, quite poor and not seen at Court.
In these cases it is not enough to have no misgivings—one
must be sick of misgivings—have, so to speak, the
impatience of courage to face life's chances.
The soul of a woman, grown tired, without noticing
it, of living without loving, convinced in spite of herself
by the example of other women—all the fears of life
surmounted and the sorry happiness of pride found
wanting—ends in creating unconsciously a model, an
ideal. One day she meets this model: crystallisation
recognises its object by the commotion it inspires and
consecrates for ever to the master of its fortunes the fruit
of all its previous dreams.[2]
Women, whose hearts are open to this misfortune, have
too much grandeur of soul to love otherwise than with
passion. They would be saved if they could stoop to
gallantry.
As "thunderbolts" come from a secret lassitude in
what the catechism calls Virtue, and from boredom
brought on by the uniformity of perfection, I should be
inclined to think that it would generally be the privilege
of what is known in the world as "a bad lot" to bring
them down. I doubt very much whether rigidity à la
Cato has ever been the occasion of a "thunderbolt."
What makes them so rare is that if the heart, thus disposed
to love beforehand, has the slightest inkling of its
situation, there is no thunderbolt.
The soul of a woman, whom troubles have made mistrustful,
is not susceptible of this revolution.
Nothing facilitates "a thunderbolt" like praise, given
in advance and by women, to the person who is to occasion
it.
False "thunderbolts" form one of the most comic
sources of love stories. A weary woman, but one without
much feeling, thinks for a whole evening that she is in
love for life. She is proud of having found at last one
of those great commotions of the soul, which used to
allure her imagination. The next day she no longer knows
where to hide her face and, still more, how to avoid the
wretched object she was adoring the night before.
Clever people know how to spot, that is to say, make
capital out of these "thunderbolts."
Physical love also has its "thunderbolts." Yesterday
in her carriage with the prettiest and most easy-going
woman in Berlin, we saw her suddenly blush. She
became deeply absorbed and preoccupied. Handsome
Lieutenant Findorff had just passed. In the evening at
the play, according to her own confession to me, she was
out of her mind, she was beside herself, she could think
of nothing but Findorff, to whom she had never spoken.
If she had dared, she told me, she would have sent for
him—that pretty face bore all the signs of the most
violent passion. The next day it was still going on.
After three days, Findorff having played the blockhead,
she thought no more about it. A month later she loathed
him.
I advise the majority of people born in the North
to skip the present chapter. It is an obscure dissertation
upon certain phenomena relative to the orange-tree,
a plant which does not grow or reach its full height
except in Italy and Spain. In order to be intelligible
elsewhere, I should have had to cut down the facts.
I should have had no hesitation about this, if for a
single moment I had intended to write a book to be
generally appreciated. But Heaven having refused me
the writer's gift, I have thought solely of describing with
all the ill-grace of science, but also with all its exactitude,
certain facts, of which I became involuntarily the witness
through a prolonged sojourn in the land of the orange-tree.
Frederick the Great, or some such other distinguished
man from the North, who never had the
opportunity of seeing the orange-tree growing in the
open, would doubtless have denied the facts which
follow—and denied in good faith. I have an infinite
respect for such good faith and can see its wherefore.
As this sincere declaration may seem presumption, I
append the following reflexion:—
We write haphazard, each one of us what we think
true, and each gives the lie to his neighbour. I see in
our books so many tickets in a lottery and in reality
they have no more value. Posterity, forgetting some and
reprinting others, declares the lucky numbers. And in
so far, each one of us having written as best he can, what
he thinks true, has no right to laugh at his neighbour—except
where the satire is amusing. In that case he is
always right, especially if he writes like M. Courrier to
Del Furia(12).
After this preamble, I am going bravely to enter into
the examination of facts which, I am convinced, have
rarely been observed at Paris. But after all at Paris,
superior as of course it is to all other towns, orange-trees
are not seen growing out in the open, as at Sorrento,
and it is there that Lisio Visconti observed and noted
the following facts—at Sorrento, the country of Tasso,
on the Bay of Naples in a position half-way down to the
sea, still more picturesque than that of Naples itself, but
where no one reads the Miroir.
When we are to see in the evening the woman we love,
the suspense, the expectation of so great a happiness makes
every moment, which separates us from it, unbearable.
A devouring fever makes us take up and lay aside twenty
different occupations. We look every moment at our
watch—overjoyed when we see that we have managed to
pass ten minutes without looking at the time. The hour
so longed-for strikes at last, and when we are at her door
ready to knock—we would be glad not to find her in. It
is only on reflexion that we would be sorry for it. In a
word, the suspense before seeing her produces an unpleasant
effect.
There you have one of the things which make good
folk say that love drives men silly.
The reason is that the imagination, violently withdrawn
from dreams of delight in which every step
forward brings happiness, is brought back face to face
with severe reality.
The gentle soul knows well that in the combat which
is to begin the moment he sees her, the least inadvertency,
the least lack of attention or of courage will be paid for
by a defeat, poisoning, for a long time to come, the
dreams of fancy and of passion, and humiliating to a
man's pride, if he try to find consolation outside the
sphere of passion. He says to himself: "I hadn't the
wit, I hadn't the pluck"; but the only way to have
pluck before the loved one is by loving her a little less.
It is a fragment of attention, torn by force with so much
trouble from the dreams of crystallisation, which allows
the crowd of things to escape us during our first words
with the woman we love—things which have no sense or
which have a sense contrary to what we mean—or else,
what is still more heartrending, we exaggerate our feelings
and they become ridiculous in our own eyes. We feel
vaguely that we are not paying enough attention to our
words and mechanically set about polishing and loading
our oratory. And, also, it is impossible to hold one's
tongue—silence would be embarrassing and make it
still less possible to give one's thoughts to her. So we
say in a feeling way a host of things that we do not feel,
and would be quite embarrassed to repeat, obstinately
keeping our distance from the woman before us, in order
more really to be with her. In the early hours of my
acquaintance with love, this oddity which I felt within
me, made me believe that I did not love.
I understand cowardice and how recruits, to be delivered
of their fear, throw themselves recklessly into the
midst of the fire. The number of silly things I have said
in the last two years, in order not to hold my tongue,
makes me mad when I think of them.
And that is what should easily mark in a woman's eyes
the difference between passion-love and gallantry, between
the gentle soul and the prosaic.[1]
In these decisive moments the one gains as much as the
other loses: the prosaic soul gets just the degree of warmth
which he ordinarily wants, while excess of feeling drives
mad the poor gentle heart, who, to crown his troubles,
really means to hide his madness. Completely taken up
with keeping his own transports in check, he is miles away
from the self-possession necessary in order to seize opportunities,
and leaves in a muddle after a visit, in which
the prosaic soul would have made a great step forward.
Directly it is a question of advancing his too violent
passion, a gentle being with pride cannot be eloquent
under the eye of the woman whom he loves: the pain
of ill-success is too much for him. The vulgar being, on
the contrary, calculates nicely the chances of success: he
is stopped by no foretastes of the suffering of defeat, and,
proud of that which makes him vulgar, laughs at the gentle
soul, who, with all the cleverness he may have, is never
quite enough at ease to say the simplest things and those
most certain to succeed. The gentle soul, far from being
able to grasp anything by force, must resign himself to obtaining
nothing except through the charity of her whom
he loves. If the woman one loves really has feelings, one
always has reason to regret having wished to put pressure
on oneself in order to make love to her. One looks shame-faced,
looks chilly, would look deceitful, did not passion
betray itself by other and surer signs. To express what we
feel so keenly, and in such detail, at every moment of the
day, is a task we take upon our shoulders because we have
read novels; for if we were natural, we would never
undertake anything so irksome. Instead of wanting to
speak of what we felt a quarter of an hour ago, and of
trying to make of it a general and interesting topic, we
would express simply the passing fragment of our feelings
at the moment. But no! we put the most violent pressure
upon ourselves for a worthless success, and, as there
is no evidence of actual sensation to back our words, and
as our memory cannot be working freely, we approve at
the time of things to say—and say them—comical to a
degree that is more than humiliating.
When at last, after an hour's trouble, this extremely
painful effort has resulted in getting away from the
enchanted gardens of the imagination, in order to enjoy
quite simply the presence of what you love, it often
happens—that you've got to take your leave.
All this looks like extravagance, but I have seen better
still. A woman, whom one of my friends loved to
idolatry, pretending to take offence at some or other
want of delicacy, which I was never allowed to learn,
condemned him all of a sudden to see her only twice
a month. These visits, so rare and so intensely desired,
meant an attack of madness, and it wanted all Salviati's
strength of character to keep it from being seen by
outward signs.
From the very first, the idea of the visit's end is too
insistent for one to be able to take pleasure in the visit.
One speaks a great deal, deaf to one's own thoughts,
saying often the contrary of what one thinks. One
embarks upon discourses which have got suddenly to be
cut short, because of their absurdity—if one manage to
rouse oneself and listen to one's thoughts within. The
effort we make is so violent that we seem chilly. Love
hides itself in its excess.
Away from her, the imagination was lulled by the most
charming dialogues: there were transports the most
tender and the most touching. And thus for ten days or
so you think you have the courage to speak; but two
days before what should have been our day of happiness,
the fever begins, and, as the terrible instant draws near,
its force redoubles.
Just as you come into her salon, in order not to do or
say some incredible piece of nonsense, you clutch in
despair at the resolution of keeping your mouth shut and
your eyes on her—in order at least to be able to remember
her face. Scarcely before her, something like a kind
of drunkenness comes over your eyes; you feel driven
like a maniac to do strange actions; it is as if you had
two souls—one to act and the other to blame your actions.
You feel, in a confused way, that to turn your strained
attention to folly would temporarily refresh the blood,
and make you lose from sight the end of the visit and the
misery of parting for a fortnight.
If some bore be there, who tells a pointless story, the
poor lover, in his inexplicable madness, as if he were
nervous of losing moments so rare, becomes all attention.
That hour, of which he drew himself so sweet a picture,
passes like a flash of lightning and yet he feels, with
unspeakable bitterness, all the little circumstances which
show how much a stranger he has become to her whom he
loves. There he is in the midst of indifferent visitors
and sees himself the only one who does not know her life
of these past days, in all its details. At last he goes: and
as he coldly says good-bye, he has the agonising feeling of
two whole weeks before another meeting. Without a
doubt he would suffer less never to see the object of his
love again. It is in the style, only far blacker, of the Duc
de Policastro, who every six months travelled a hundred
leagues to see for a quarter of an hour at Lecce a beloved
mistress guarded by a jealous husband.
Here you can see clearly Will without influence upon
Love.
Out of all patience with one's mistress and oneself, how
furious the desire to bury oneself in indifference! The
only good of such visits is to replenish the treasure of
crystallisation.
Life for Salviati was divided into periods of two weeks,
which took their colour from the last evening he had
been allowed to see Madame ——. For example, he was
in the seventh heaven of delight the 21st of May, and
the 2nd of June he kept away from home, for fear of
yielding to the temptation of blowing out his brains.
I saw that evening how badly novelists have drawn
the moment of suicide. Salviati simply said to me:
"I'm thirsty, I must take this glass of water." I did not
oppose his resolution, but said good-bye: then he broke
down.
Seeing the obscurity which envelops the discourse of
lovers, it would not be prudent to push too far conclusions
drawn from an isolated detail of their conversation.
They give a fair glimpse of their feelings only in
sudden expressions—then it is the cry of the heart. Otherwise
it is from the complexion of the bulk of what is said
that inductions are to be drawn. And we must remember
that quite often a man, who is very moved, has no time
to notice the emotion of the person who is the cause of
his own.
To see the subtlety and sureness of judgment with
which women grasp certain details, I am lost in
admiration: but a moment later, I see them praise a
blockhead to the skies, let themselves be moved to tears
by a piece of insipidity, or weigh gravely a fatuous
affectation, as if it were a telling characteristic. I cannot
conceive such simplicity. There must be some general
law in all this, unknown to me.
Attentive to one merit in a man and absorbed by one
detail, women feel it deeply and have no eyes for the
rest. All the nervous fluid is used up in the enjoyment
of this quality: there is none left to see the others.
I have seen the most remarkable men introduced to
very clever women; it was always a particle of bias
which decided the effect of the first inspection.
If I may be allowed a familiar detail, I shall tell the
story how charming Colonel L. B—— was to be introduced
to Madame de Struve of Koenigsberg—she a most distinguished
woman. "Farà colpo?"[1]—we asked each
other; and a wager was made as a result. I go up to
Madame de Struve, and tell her the Colonel wears his
ties two days running—the second he turns them—she
could notice on his tie the creases downwards. Nothing
more palpably untrue!
As I finish, the dear fellow is announced. The silliest
little Parisian would have made more effect. Observe
that Madame de Struve was one who could love. She is
also a respectable woman and there could have been no
question of gallantry between them.
Never were two characters more made for each other.
People blamed Madame de Struve for being romantic,
and there was nothing could touch L. B. but virtue carried
to the point of the romantic. Thanks to her, he had a
bullet put through him quite young.
It has been given to women admirably to feel the fine
shades of affection, the most imperceptible variations of
the human heart, the lightest movements of susceptibility.
In this regard they have an organ which in us is missing:
watch them nurse the wounded.
But, perhaps, they are equally unable to see what
mind consists in—as a moral composition. I have seen
the most distinguished women charmed with a clever
man, who was not myself, and, at the same time and
almost with the same word, admire the biggest fools.
I felt caught like a connoisseur, who sees the loveliest
diamonds taken for paste, and paste preferred for being
more massive.
And so I concluded that with women you have to
risk everything. Where General Lassale came to grief, a
captain with moustaches and heavy oaths succeeded.[2]
There is surely a whole side in men's merit which escapes
them. For myself, I always come back to physical laws.
The nervous fluid spends itself in men through the brain
and in women through the heart: that is why they are
more sensitive. Some great and obligatory work, within
the profession we have followed all our life, is our
consolation, but for them nothing can console but
distraction.
Appiani, who only believes in virtue as a last resort,
and with whom this evening I went routing out ideas
(exposing meanwhile those of this chapter) answered:—
"The force of soul, which Eponina used with heroic
devotion, to keep alive her husband in a cavern underground
and to keep him from sinking into despair, would
have helped her to hide from him a lover, if they had
lived at Rome in peace. Strong souls must have their
nourishment."
In Madagascar, a woman exposes without a thought
what is here most carefully hidden, but would die
of shame sooner than show her arm. Clearly three-quarters
of modesty come from example. It is perhaps
the one law, daughter of civilisation, which produces
only happiness.
People have noticed that birds of prey hide themselves
to drink; the reason being that, obliged to plunge their
head in the water, they are at that moment defenceless.
After a consideration of what happens at Tahiti,[1] I see
no other natural basis for modesty.
Love is the miracle of civilisation. There is nothing
but a physical love of the coarsest kind among savage or
too barbarian peoples.
And modesty gives love the help of imagination—that
is, gives it life.
Modesty is taught little girls very early by their
mothers with such jealous care, that it almost looks like
fellow-feeling; in this way women take measures in good
time for the happiness of the lover to come.
There can be nothing worse for a timid, sensitive
woman than the torture of having, in the presence of a
man, allowed herself something for which she thinks she
ought to blush; I am convinced that a woman with a
little pride would sooner face a thousand deaths. A
slight liberty, which touches a soft corner in the lover's
heart, gives her a moment of lively pleasure.[2] If
he seem to blame it, or simply not to enjoy it to the
utmost, it must leave in the soul an agonising doubt.
And so a woman above the common sort has everything
to gain by being very reserved in her manner.
The game is not fair: against the chance of a little
pleasure or the advantage of seeming a little more lovable,
a woman runs the risk of a burning remorse and a
sense of shame, which must make even the lover less dear.
An evening gaily passed, in care-devil thoughtless
fashion, is dearly paid for at the price. If a woman fears
she has made this kind of mistake before her lover, he
must become for days together hateful in her sight.
Can one wonder at the force of a habit, when the
lightest infractions of it are punished by such cruel
shame?
As for the utility of modesty—she is the mother of
love: impossible, therefore, to doubt her claims. And
for the mechanism of the sentiment—it's simple enough.
The soul is busy feeling shame instead of busy desiring.
You deny yourself desires and your desires lead to
actions.
Evidently every woman of feeling and pride—and,
these two things being cause and effect, one can hardly
go without the other—must fall into ways of coldness,
which the people whom they disconcert call prudery.
The accusation is all the more specious because of the
extreme difficulty of steering a middle course: a woman
has only to have little judgment and a lot of pride,
and very soon she will come to believe that in modesty one
cannot go too far. In this way, an Englishwoman takes
it as an insult, if you pronounce before her the name
of certain garments. An Englishwoman must be very
careful, in the country, not to be seen in the evening
leaving the drawing-room with her husband; and, what
is still more serious, she thinks it an outrage to modesty,
to show that she is enjoying herself a little in the presence
of anyone but her husband.[3] It is perhaps due to such
studied scrupulousness that the English, a people of
judgment, betray signs of such boredom in their domestic
bliss. Theirs the fault—why so much pride?[4]
To make up for this—and to pass straight from Plymouth
to Cadiz and Seville—I found in Spain that the warmth
of climate and passions caused people to overlook a little
the necessary measure of restraint. The very tender
caresses, which I noticed could be given in public, far
from seeming touching, inspired me with feelings quite
the reverse: nothing is more distressing.
We must expect to find incalculable the force of habits,
which insinuate themselves into women under the pretext
of modesty. A common woman, by carrying modesty
to extremes, feels she is getting on a level with a woman
of distinction.
Such is the empire of modesty, that a woman of feeling
betrays her sentiments for her lover sooner by deed than
by word.
The prettiest, richest and most easy-going woman of
Bologna has just told me, how yesterday evening a fool
of a Frenchman, who is here giving people a strange
idea of his nation, thought good to hide under her bed.
Apparently he did not want to waste the long string of
absurd declarations, with which he has been pestering
her for a month. But the great man should have had
more presence of mind. He waited all right till Madame
M—— sent away her maid and had got to bed, but he had
not the patience to give the household time to go to
sleep. She seized hold of the bell and had him thrown
out ignominiously, in the midst of the jeers and cuffs of
five or six lackeys. "And if he had waited two hours?"
I asked her. "I should have been very badly off. 'Who
is to doubt,' he would have said, 'that I am here by your
orders?'"[5]
After leaving this pretty woman's house, I went to see
a woman more worthy of being loved than any I know.
Her extremely delicate nature is something greater, if
possible, than her touching beauty. I found her alone,
told the story of Madame M—— and we discussed it.
"Listen," was what she said; "if the man, who will go
as far as that, was lovable in the eyes of that woman
beforehand, he'll have her pardon, and, all in good time,
her love." I own I was dumbfounded by this unexpected
light thrown on the recesses of the human heart. After a
short silence I answered her—"But will a man, who
loves, dare go to such violent extremities?"
There would be far less vagueness in this chapter had
a woman written it. Everything relating to women's
haughtiness or pride, to their habits of modesty and its
excesses, to certain delicacies, for the most part dependent
wholly on associations of feelings,[6] which cannot exist
for men, and often delicacies not founded on Nature—all
these things, I say, can only find their way here so far
as it is permissible to write from hearsay.
A woman once said to me, in a moment of philosophical
frankness, something which amounts to this:—
"If ever I sacrificed my liberty, the man whom I
should happen to favour would appreciate still more my
affection, by seeing how sparing I had always been of
favours—even of the slightest." It is out of preference
for this lover, whom perhaps she will never meet, that a
lovable woman will offer a cold reception to the man who
is speaking to her at the moment. That is the first
exaggeration of modesty; that one can respect. The
second comes from women's pride. The third source of
exaggeration is the pride of husbands.
To my idea, this possibility of love presents itself often
to the fancy of even the most virtuous woman—and
why not? Not to love, when given by Heaven a soul
made for love, is to deprive yourself and others of a great
blessing. It is like an orange-tree, which would not
flower for fear of committing a sin. And beyond
doubt a soul made for love can partake fervently of no
other bliss. In the would-be pleasures of the world it
finds, already at the second trial, an intolerable emptiness.
Often it fancies that it loves Art and Nature in its
grander aspects, but all they do for it is to hold out hopes
of love and magnify it, if that is possible; until, very
soon, it finds out that they speak of a happiness which it
is resolved to forego.
The only thing I see to blame in modesty is that it
leads to untruthfulness, and that is the only point of
vantage, which light women have over women of feeling.
A light woman says to you: "As soon, my friend, as you
attract me, I'll tell you and I'll be more delighted than
you; because I have a great respect for you."
The lively satisfaction of Constance's cry after her
lover's victory! "How happy I am, not to have given
myself to anyone, all these eight years that I've been on
bad terms with my husband!"
However comical I find the line of thought, this joy
seems to me full of freshness.
Here I absolutely must talk about the sort of regrets,
felt by a certain lady of Seville who had been deserted
by her lover. I ought to remind the reader that, in love.
everything is a sign, and, above all, crave the benefit of
a little indulgence for my style.[7]
As a man, I think my eye can distinguish nine points
in modesty.
1. Much is staked against little; hence extreme reserve;
hence often affectation. For example, one doesn't
laugh at what amuses one the most. Hence it needs
a great deal of judgment to have just the right amount
of modesty.[8] That is why many women have not enough
in intimate gatherings, or, to put it more exactly, do not
insist on the stories told them being sufficiently disguised,
and only drop their veils according to the degree of their
intoxication or recklessness.[9]
Could it be an effect of modesty and of the deadly
dullness it must impose on many women, that the majority
of them respect nothing in a man so much as impudence?
Or do they take impudence for character?
2. Second law: "My lover will think the more of me
for it."
3. Force of habit has its way, even at the moments
of greatest passion.
4. To the lover, modesty offers very flattering pleasures;
it makes him feel what laws are broken for his
sake.
5. And to women it offers more intoxicating pleasures,
which, causing the fall of a strongly established habit,
throw the soul into greater confusion. The Comte de
Valmont finds himself in a pretty woman's bedroom at
midnight. The thing happens every week to him; to
her perhaps every other year. Thus continence and
modesty must have pleasures infinitely more lively in
store for women.[10]
6. The drawback of modesty is that it is always leading
to falsehood.
7. Excess of modesty, and its severity, discourages
gentle and timid hearts from loving[11]—just those made
for giving and feeling the sweets of love.
8. In sensitive women, who have not had several lovers,
modesty is a bar to ease of manner, and for this reason they
are rather apt to let themselves be led by those friends,
who need reproach themselves with no such failing.[12]
They go into each particular case, instead of falling back
blindly on habit. Delicacy and modesty give their
actions a touch of restraint; by being natural they make
themselves appear unnatural; but this awkwardness is
akin to heavenly grace.
If familiarity in them sometimes resembles tenderness,
it is because these angelic souls are coquettes without
knowing it. They are disinclined to interrupt their
dreams, and, to save themselves the trouble of speaking
and finding something both pleasant and polite to say to
a friend (which would end in being nothing but polite),
they finish by leaning tenderly on his arm.[13]
9. Women only dare be frank by halves; which is the
reason why they very rarely reach the highest, when
they become authors, but which also gives a grace to
their shortest note. For them to be frank means going
out without a fichu. For a man nothing more frequent
than to write absolutely at the dictate of his
imagination, without knowing where he is going.
Résumé
The usual fault is to treat woman as a kind of man, but
more generous, more changeable and with whom, above
all, no rivalry is possible. It is only too easy to forget
that there are two new and peculiar laws, which tyrannise
over these unstable beings, in conflict with all
the ordinary impulses of human nature—I mean:—
Feminine pride and modesty, and those often inscrutable
habits born of modesty.
This is the great weapon of virtuous coquetry.
With a glance, one may say everything, and yet
one can always deny a glance; for it cannot be repeated
textually.
This reminds me of Count G——, the Mirabeau of Rome.
The delightful little government of that land has taught
him an original way of telling stories by a broken string
of words, which say everything—and nothing. He makes
his whole meaning clear, but repeat who will his sayings
word for word, it is impossible to compromise him.
Cardinal Lante told him he had stolen this talent from
women—yes, and respectable women, I add. This
roguery is a cruel, but just, reprisal on man's tyranny.
All their lives women hear mention made by men
of things claiming importance—large profits, success
in war, people killed in duels, fiendish or admirable
revenges, and so on. Those of them, whose heart is
proud, feel that, being unable to reach these things,
they are not in a position to display any pride remarkable
for the importance of what it rests on. They feel a
heart beat in their breast, superior by the force and pride
of its movements to all which surrounds them, and yet
they see the meanest of men esteem himself above them.
They find out, that all their pride can only be for little
things, or at least for things, which are without importance
except for sentiment, and of which a third party
cannot judge. Maddened by this desolating contrast
between the meanness of their fortune and the conscious
worth of their soul, they set about making their pride
worthy of respect by the intensity of its fits or by the
relentless tenacity with which they hold by its dictates.
Before intimate intercourse women of this kind imagine,
when they see their lover, that he has laid siege to them.
Their imagination is absorbed in irritation at his endeavours,
which, after all, cannot do otherwise than witness
to his love—seeing that he does love. Instead of enjoying
the feelings of the man of their preference, their vanity
is up in arms against him; and it comes to this, that,
with a soul of the tenderest, so long as its sensibility is not
centred on a special object, they have only to love, in
order, like a common flirt, to be reduced to the barest
vanity.
A woman of generous character will sacrifice her life a
thousand times for her lover, but will break with him
for ever over a question of pride—for the opening or
shutting of a door. Therein lies their point of honour.
Well! Napoleon came to grief rather than yield a
village.
I have seen a quarrel of this kind last longer than a
year. It was a woman of the greatest distinction who
sacrificed all her happiness, sooner than give her lover
the chance of entertaining the slightest possible doubt of
the magnanimity of her pride. The reconciliation was
the work of chance, and, on my friend's side, due to a
moment of weakness, which, on meeting her lover, she
was unable to overcome. She imagined him forty miles
away, and found him in a place, where certainly he did
not expect to see her. She could not hide the first transports
of delight; her lover was more overcome than
she; they almost fell at each other's feet and never have
I seen tears flow so abundantly—it was the unlooked-for
appearance of happiness. Tears are the supreme smile.
The Duke of Argyll gave a fine example of presence of
mind, in not drawing Feminine Pride into a combat, in
the interview he had at Richmond with Queen Caroline.[1]
The more nobility in a woman's character, the more
terrible are these storms—
As the blackest sky
Foretells the heaviest tempest.
(Don Juan.)
Can it be that the more fervently, in the normal
course of life, a woman delights in the rare qualities of
her lover, the more she tries, in those cruel moments,
when sympathy seems turned to the reverse, to wreak
her vengeance on what usually she sees in him superior
to other people? She is afraid of being confounded with
them.
It is a precious long time since I read that boring
Clarissa; but I think it is through feminine pride that
she lets herself die, and does not accept the hand of
Lovelace.
Lovelace's fault was great; but as she did love him a
little, she could have found pardon in her heart for a
crime, of which the cause was love.
Monime, on the contrary, seems to me a touching
model of feminine delicacy. What cheek does not blush
with pleasure to hear from the lips of an actress worthy
of the part:—
That fatal love which I had crushed and conquered,
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Your wiles detected, and I cannot now
Disown what I confess'd; you cannot raze
Its memory; the shame of that avowal,
To which you forced me, will abide for ever
Present before my mind, and I should think
That you were always of my faith uncertain.
The grave itself to me were less abhorrent
Than marriage bed shared with a spouse, who took
Cruel advantage of my simple trust,
And, to destroy my peace for ever, fann'd
A flame that fired my cheek for other love
Than his.[2]
I can picture to myself future generations saying:
"So that's what Monarchy[3] was good for—to produce
that sort of character and their portrayal by great
artists. "
And yet I find an admirable example of this delicacy
even in the republics of the Middle Ages; which seems
to destroy my system of the influence of governments on
the passions, but which I shall cite in good faith.
The reference is to those very touching verses of
Dante:
Deh! quando tu sarai tomato al mondo
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Ricordati di me, che son la Pia;
Siena mi fè; disfecemi Maremma;
Salsi colui, che inanellata pria
Disposando, m'avea con la sua gemma.
The woman, who speaks with so much restraint, had
suffered in secret the fate of Desdemona, and, by a word,
could make known her husband's crime to the friends,
whom she had left on earth.
Nello della Pietra won the hand of Madonna Pia(14),
sole heiress of the Tolomei, the richest and noblest family
of Sienna. Her beauty, which was the admiration of
Tuscany, sowed in her husband's heart the seed of
jealousy, which, envenomed by false reports and suspicions
ever and anon rekindled, led him to a heinous
project. It is difficult, at this hour, to decide whether
his wife was altogether innocent, but Dante represents
her as such.
Her husband carried her off into the fens of Volterra,
famous then, as now, for the effects of the aria cattiva.
Never would he tell his unhappy wife the reason of her
exile in so dangerous a place. His pride did not deign
to utter complaint or accusation. He lived alone with
her in a deserted tower, the ruins of which by the edge
of the sea I have been myself to visit. There he never
broke his scornful silence, never answered his young
wife's questions, never listened to her prayers. Coldly
he waited at her side for the pestilential air to have its
effect. The exhalations of these morasses were not long
in withering those features—the loveliest, it is said,
which, in that century, the world had seen. In a few
months she died. Some chroniclers of those remote
times report that Nello used the dagger to hasten her
end. She died in the fens in some horrible way; but
the kind of death was a mystery even to her contemporaries.
Nello della Pietra survived to pass the rest of his
days in a silence which he never broke.
Nothing nobler and more delicate than the way in
which young la Pia addresses Dante. She wishes to be
recalled to the memory of the friends, whom she had
left on earth so young; and yet, telling who she is and
giving the name of her husband, she will not allow herself
the slightest complaint against a piece of cruelty unheard
of, but for the future irreparable; she only points out
that he knows the story of her death.
This constancy in pride's revenge is not met, I think,
except in the countries of the South.
In Piedmont I happened to be the involuntary witness
of something very nearly parallel; though at the time
I did not know the details. I was sent with twenty-five
dragoons into the woods along the Sesia, to intercept
contraband. Arriving in the evening at this wild and
desolate spot, I caught sight between the trees of the
ruins of an old castle. I went up to it and to my
great surprise—it was inhabited. I found within a
nobleman of the country, of sinister appearance, a man
six foot high and forty years old. He gave me two rooms
with a bad grace. I passed my time playing music with
my quartermaster; after some days, we discovered that
our friend kept a woman in the background, whom we
used to call Camille, laughingly; but we were far from
suspecting the fearful truth. Six weeks later she was
dead. I had the morbid curiosity to see her in the coffin,
paying a monk, who was watching, to introduce me into
the chapel towards midnight, under pretext of going to
sprinkle holy water. There I found one of those superb
faces, which are beautiful even in the arms of death;
she had a large aquiline nose—the nobility and delicacy
of its outline I shall never forget. Then I left that
deadly spot. Five years later, a detachment of my
regiment accompanying the Emperor to his coronation
as King of Italy(15), I had the whole story told me. I
learnt that the jealous husband, Count ——, had found
one morning fastened to his wife's bed an English watch,
belonging to a young man of the small town in which
they lived. That very day he carried her off to the
ruined castle in the midst of the woods of the Sesia.
Like Nello della Pietra, he never uttered a single word.
If she made him any request, he coldly and silently
presented to her the English watch, which he carried
always with him. Almost three years passed, spent thus
alone with her. At last she died of despair, in the flower
of life. Her husband tried to put a knife into the proprietor
of the watch, missed him, passed on to Genoa,
took ship and no one has heard of him since. His property
has been divided.
As for these women with feminine pride, if you take
their injuries with a good grace, which the habits of a
military life make easy, you annoy these proud souls;
they take you for a coward, and very soon become outrageous.
Such lofty characters yield with pleasure to
men whom they see overbearing with other men. That
is, I fancy, the only way—you must often pick a quarrel
with your neighbour in order to avoid one with your
mistress.
One day Miss Cornel, the celebrated London actress,
was surprised by the unexpected appearance of the rich
colonel, whom she found useful. She happened to be with
a little lover, whom she just liked—and nothing more.
"Mr. So-and-so," says she in great confusion to the
colonel, "has come to see the pony I want to sell."
"I am here for something very different," put in
proudly the little lover who was beginning to bore her,
but whom, from the moment of that answer, she started
to love again madly.[5] Women of that kind sympathise
with their lover's haughtiness, instead of exercising at
his expense their own disposition to pride.
The character of the Duc de Lauzun (that of 1660[6]),
if they can forgive the first day its want of grace, is very
fascinating for such women, and perhaps for all women
of distinction. Grandeur on a higher plane escapes
them; they take for coldness the calm gaze which
nothing escapes, but which a detail never disturbs. Have
I not heard women at the Court of Saint-Cloud maintain
that Napoleon had a dry and prosaic character?[7] A
great man is like an eagle: the higher he rises the less
he is visible, and he is punished for his greatness by the
solitude of his soul.
From feminine pride arises what women call want of
refinement. I fancy, it is not at all unlike what kings
call lèse majesté, a crime all the more dangerous, because
one slips into it without knowing. The tenderest lover
may be accused of wanting refinement, if he is not very
sharp, or, what is sadder, if he dares give himself up to
the greatest charm of love—the delight of being perfectly
natural with the loved one and of not listening
to what he is told.
These are the sort of things, of which a well-born
heart could have no inkling; one must have experience,
in order to believe in them; for we are misled by the habit
of dealing justly and frankly with our men friends.
It is necessary to keep in mind incessantly that we
have to do with beings, who can, however wrongly,
think themselves inferior in vigour of character, or, to
put it better, can think that others believe they are
inferior.
Should not a woman's true pride reside in the power
of the feeling she inspires? A maid of honour to the
queen and wife of Francis I was chaffed about the fickleness
of her lover, who, it was said, did not really love her.
A little time after, this lover had an illness and reappeared
at Court—dumb. Two years later, people showing surprise
one day that she still loved him, she turned to him,
saying: "Speak." And he spoke.
I tell thee, proud Templar, that not in thy fiercest battles hast thou
displayed more of thy vaunted courage than has been shewn by women,
when called upon to suffer by affection or duty. (Ivanhoe.)
I remember meeting the following phrase in a
book of history: "All the men lost their head:
that is the moment when women display an incontestable
superiority."
Their courage has a reserve which that of their lover
wants; he acts as a spur to their sense of worth. They
find so much pleasure in being able, in the fire of danger,
to dispute the first place for firmness with the man,
who often wounds them by the proudness of his protection
and his strength, that the vehemence of that enjoyment
raises them above any kind of fear, which at the
moment is the man's weak point. A man, too, if the
same help were given him at the same moment, would
show himself superior to everything; for fear never
resides in the danger, but in ourselves.
Not that I mean to depreciate women's courage—I
have seen them, on occasions, superior to the bravest
men. Only they must have a man to love. Then they
no longer feel except through him; and so the most
obvious and personal danger becomes, as it were, a rose
to gather in his presence.[1]
I have found also in women, who did not love, intrepidity,
the coldest, the most surprising and the most
exempt from nerves.
It is true, I have always imagined that they are so
brave, only because they do not know the tiresomeness
of wounds!
As for moral courage, so far superior to the other, the
firmness of a woman who resists her love is simply the
most admirable thing, which can exist on earth. All other
possible marks of courage are as nothing compared to a
thing so strongly opposed to nature and so arduous.
Perhaps they find a source of strength in the habit of
sacrifice, which is bred in them by modesty.
Hard on women it is that the proofs of this courage
should always remain secret and be almost impossible
to divulge.
Still harder that it should always be employed against
their own happiness: the Princesse de Clèves would have
done better to say nothing to her husband and give
herself to M. de Nemours.
Perhaps women are chiefly supported by their pride in
making a fine defence, and imagine that their lover is
staking his vanity on having them—a petty and miserable
idea. A man of passion, who throws himself
with a light heart into so many ridiculous situations,
must have a lot of time to be thinking of vanity!
It is like the monks who mean to catch the devil and
find their reward in the pride of hair-shirts and macerations.
I should think that Madame de Clèves would have
repented, had she come to old age,—to the period at
which one judges life and when the joys of pride appear
in all their meanness. She would have wished to have
lived like Madame de la Fayette.[2]
I have just re-read a hundred pages of this essay: and
a pretty poor idea I have given of true love, of love
which occupies the entire soul, fills it with fancies, now
the happiest, now heart-breaking—but always sublime—and
makes it completely insensible to all the rest of
creation. I am at a loss to express what I see so well;
I have never felt more painfully the want of talent.
How bring into relief the simplicity of action and of
character, the high seriousness, the glance that reflects
so truly and so ingenuously the passing shade of feeling,
and above all, to return to it again, that inexpressible
What care I? for all that is not the woman we love?
A yes or a no spoken by a man in love has an unction
which is not to be found elsewhere, and is not found in
that very man at other times. This morning (August
3rd) I passed on horseback about nine o'clock in front
of the lovely English garden of Marchese Zampieri,
situated on the last crests of those tree-capped hills, on
which Bologna rests, and from which so fine a view is
enjoyed over Lombardy rich and green—the fairest
country in the world. In a copse of laurels, belonging
to the Giardino Zampieri, which dominates the path I
was taking, leading to the cascade of the Reno at Casa
Lecchio, I saw Count Delfante. He was absorbed in
thought and scarcely returned my greeting, though we
had passed the night together till two o'clock in the morning.
I went to the cascade, I crossed the Reno; after
which, passing again, at least three hours later, under the
copse of the Giardino Zampieri, I saw him still there. He
was precisely in the same position, leaning against a great
pine, which rises above the copse of laurels—but this detail
I am afraid will be found too simple and pointless. He
came up to me with tears in his eyes, asking me not
to go telling people of his trance. I was touched, and
suggested retracing my steps and going with him to
spend the day in the country. At the end of two
hours he had told me everything. His is a fine soul,
but oh! the coldness of these pages, compared to his
story.
Furthermore, he thinks his love is not returned—which
is not my opinion. In the fair marble face of
the Contessa Ghigi, with whom we spent the evening,
one can read nothing. Only now and then a light and
sudden blush, which she cannot check, just betrays the
emotions of that soul, which the most exalted feminine
pride disputes with deeper emotions. You see the
colour spread over her neck of alabaster and as much as
one catches of those lovely shoulders, worthy of Canova.
She somehow finds a way of diverting her black and sombre
eyes from the observation of those, whose penetration
alarms her woman's delicacy; but last night, at something
which Delfante was saying and of which she disapproved,
I saw a sudden blush spread all over her. Her
lofty soul found him less worthy of her.
But when all is said, even if I were mistaken in my
conjectures on the happiness of Delfante, vanity apart,
I think him happier than I, in my indifference, although
I am in a thoroughly happy position, in appearance and
in reality.
Bologna, August 3rd, 1818.
Women with their feminine pride visit the iniquities
of the fools upon the men of sense,
and those of the prosaic, prosperous and brutal upon the
noble-minded. A very pretty result—you'll agree!
The petty considerations of pride and worldly proprieties
are the cause of many women's unhappiness, for,
through pride, their parents have placed them in their
abominable position. Destiny has reserved for them,
as a consolation far superior to all their misfortunes, the
happiness of loving and being loved with passion, when
suddenly one fine day they borrow from the enemy this
same mad pride, of which they were the first victims—all
to kill the one happiness which is left them, to work
their own misfortune and the misfortune of him, who
loves them. A friend, who has had ten famous intrigues
(and by no means all one after another), gravely
persuades them that if they fall in love, they will be
dishonoured in the eyes of the public, and yet this worthy
public, who never rises above low ideas, gives them
generously a lover a year; because that, it says, "is the
thing." Thus the soul is saddened by this odd spectacle:
a woman of feeling, supremely refined and an angel of
purity, on the advice of a low t——, runs away from the
boundless, the only happiness which is left to her, in
order to appear in a dress of dazzling white, before a
great fat brute of a judge, whom everyone knows has
been blind a hundred years, and who bawls out at the
top of his voice: "She is dressed in black!"
Ingenium nobis ipsa puella facit.
(Propertius, II, i.)
Bologna, April 29th, 1818.
Driven to despair by the misfortune to which
love has reduced me, I curse existence. I have no heart
for anything. The weather is dull; it is raining, and a
late spell of cold has come again to sadden nature, who
after a long winter was hurrying to meet the spring.
Schiassetti, a half-pay colonel, my cold and reasonable
friend, came to spend a couple of hours with me
"You should renounce your love."
"How? Give me back my passion for war."
"It is a great misfortune for you to have known her."
I agree very nearly—so low-spirited and craven
do I feel—so much has melancholy taken possession
of me to-day. We discuss what interest can have led
her friend to libel me, but find nothing but that old
Neapolitan proverb: "Woman, whom love and youth
desert, a nothing piques." What is certain is that that
cruel woman is enraged with me—it is the expression of
one of her friends. I could revenge myself in a fearful
way, but, against her hatred, I am without the smallest
means of defence. Schiassetti leaves me. I go out into
the rain, not knowing what to do with myself. My
rooms, this drawing-room, which I lived in during the
first days of our acquaintance, and when I saw her every
evening, have become insupportable to me. Each engraving,
each piece of furniture, brings up again the
happiness I dreamed of in their presence—which now I
have lost for ever.
I tramped the streets through a cold rain: chance, if
I can call it chance, made me pass under her windows.
Night was falling and I went along, my eyes full of tears
fixed on the window of her room. Suddenly the curtains
were just drawn aside, as if to give a glimpse into the
square, then instantly closed again. I felt within me a
physical movement about the heart. I was unable to
support myself and took refuge under the gateway of
the next house. A thousand feelings crowd upon my
soul. Chance may have produced this movement of the
curtains; but oh! if it was her hand that had drawn
them aside.
There are two misfortunes in the world: passion
frustrated and the "dead blank."
In love—I feel that two steps away from me exists
a boundless happiness, something beyond all my prayers,
which depends upon nothing but a word, nothing but a
smile.
Passionless like Schiassetti, on gloomy days I see
happiness nowhere, I come to doubt if it exists for
me, I fall into depression. One ought to be without
strong passions and have only a little curiosity or vanity.
It is two o'clock in the morning; I have seen that
little movement of the curtain; at six o'clock I paid some
calls and went to the play, but everywhere, silent and
dreaming, I passed the evening examining this question:
"After so much anger with so little foundation (for
after all did I wish to offend her and is there a thing on
earth which the intention does not excuse?)—has she
felt a moment of love?"
Poor Salviati, who wrote the preceding lines on his
Petrarch, died a short time after. He was the intimate
friend of Schiassetti and myself; we knew all his thoughts,
and it is from him that I have all the tearful part of
this essay. He was imprudence incarnate; moreover,
the woman, for whom he went to such wild lengths, is
the most interesting creature that I have met. Schiassetti
said to me: "But do you think that that unfortunate
passion was without advantages for Salviati? To begin
with, the most worrying of money troubles that can be
imagined came upon him. These troubles, which reduced
him to a very middling fortune after his dazzling youth,
and would have driven him mad with anger in any other
circumstances, crossed his mind not once in two weeks.
"And then—a matter of importance of a quite different
kind for a mind of his range—that passion is the first
true course of logic, which he ever had. That may seem
peculiar in a man who has been at Court; but the fact
is explained by his extreme courage. For example, he
passed without winking the day of ——, the day of his
undoing; he was surprised then, as in Russia(16), not to
feel anything extraordinary. It is an actual fact, that his
fear of anything had never gone so far as to make him
think about it for two days together. Instead of this
callousness, the last two years he was trying every minute
to be brave. Before he had never seen danger.
"When as a result of his imprudence and his faith in
the generosity of critics,[1] he had managed to get condemned
to not seeing the woman he was in love with,
except twice a month, we would see him pass those evenings,
talking to her as if intoxicated with joy, because he
had been received with that noble frankness which he
worshipped. He held that Madame —— and he were
two souls without their like, who should understand each
other with a glance. It was beyond him to grasp that
she should pay the least attention to petty bourgeois
comments, which tried to make a criminal of him. The
result of this fine confidence in a woman, surrounded by his
enemies, was to find her door closed to him.
"'With M——,' I used to say to him, 'you forget
your maxim—that you mustn't believe in greatness of
soul, except in the last extremity.'
"'Do you think,' he answered, 'that the world contains
another heart which is more suited to hers? True,
I pay for this passionate way of being, which Léonore,
in anger, made me see on the horizon in the line of the
rocks of Poligny, with the ruin of all the practical enterprises
of my life—a disaster which comes from my lack
of patient industry and imprudence due to the force of
momentary impressions.'" One can see the touch of
madness!
For Salviati life was divided into periods of a fortnight,
which took their hue from the last interview, which he
had been granted. But I noticed often, that the happiness
he owed to a welcome, which he thought less cold,
was far inferior in intensity to the unhappiness with which
a hard reception overwhelmed him.[2] At times Madame
---- failed to be quite honest with him; and these are
the only two criticisms I ever dared offer him. Beyond
the more intimate side of his sorrow, of which he had
the delicacy never to speak even to the friends dearest
to him and most devoid of envy, he saw in a hard reception
from Léonore the triumph of prosaic and scheming
beings over the open-hearted and the generous. At those
times he lost faith in virtue and, above all, in glory. It was
his way to talk to his friends only of sad notions, to
which it is true his passion led up, but notions capable
besides of having some interest in the eyes of philosophy.
I was curious to observe that uncommon soul. Ordinarily
passion-love is found in people, a little simple in the
German way.[3] Salviati, on the contrary, was among the
firmest and sharpest men I have known.
I seemed to notice that, after these cruel visits, he had
no peace until he had found a justification for Léonore's
severities. So long as he felt that she might have been
wrong in ill-using him, he was unhappy. Love, so devoid
of vanity, I should never have thought possible.
He was incessantly singing us the praises of love.
"If a supernatural power said to me: Break the glass
of that watch and Léonore will be for you, what she was
three years ago, an indifferent friend—really I believe I
would never as long as I live have the courage to break
it." I saw in these discourses such signs of madness, that
I never had the courage to offer my former objections.
He would add: "Just as Luther's Reformation at the
end of the Middle Ages, shaking society to its base,
renewed and reconstructed the world on reasonable
foundations, so is a generous character renewed and retempered
by love.
"It is only then, that he casts off all the baubles of
life; without this revolution he would always have had
in him a pompous and theatrical something. It is only
since I began to love that I have learnt to put greatness
into my character—such is the absurdity of education at
our military academy.
"Although I behaved well, I was a child at the Court
of Napoleon and at Moscow. I did my duty, but I
knew nothing of that heroic simplicity, the fruit of entire
and whole-hearted sacrifice. For example, it is only this
last year, that my heart takes in the simplicity of the
Romans in Livy. Once upon a time, I thought them cold
compared to our brilliant colonels. What they did for
their Rome, I find in my heart for Léonore. If I had the
luck to be able to do anything for her, my first desire
would be to hide it. The conduct of a Regulus or a
Decius was something confirmed beforehand, which had
no claim to surprise them. Before I loved, I was small,
precisely because I was tempted sometimes to think
myself great; I felt a certain effort, for which I
applauded myself.
"And, on the side of affection, what do we not owe
to love? After the hazards of early youth, the heart is
closed to sympathy. Death and absence remove our early
companions, and we are reduced to passing our life with
lukewarm partners, measure in hand, for ever calculating
ideas of interest and vanity. Little by little all the sensitive
and generous region of the soul becomes waste, for
want of cultivation, and at less than thirty a man finds
his heart steeled to all sweet and gentle sensations. In
the midst of this arid desert, love causes a well of feelings
to spring up, fresher and more abundant even than that
of earliest youth. In those days it was a vague hope,
irresponsible and incessantly distracted[4]—no devotion
to one thing, no deep and constant desire; the soul, at
all times light, was athirst for novelty and forgot to-day
its adoration of the day before. But, than the crystallisation
of love nothing is more concentrated, more mysterious,
more eternally single in its object. In those days
only agreeable things claimed to please and to please
for an instant: now we are deeply touched by everything
which is connected with the loved one—even by
objects the most indifferent. Arriving at a great town,
a hundred miles from that which Léonore lives in, I
was in a state of fear and trembling; at each street
corner I shuddered to meet Alviza, the intimate friend of
Madame ——, although I did not know her. For me
everything took a mysterious and sacred tint. My heart
beat fast, while talking to an old scholar; for I could not
hear without blushing the name of the city gate, near
which the friend of Léonore lives.
"Even the severities of the woman we love have an
infinite grace, which the most flattering moments in the
company of other women cannot offer. It is like the great
shadows in Correggio's pictures, which far from being,
as in other painters, passages less pleasant, but necessary
in order to give effect to the lights and relief to the figures,
have graces of their own which charm and throw us into
a gentle reverie.[5]
"Yes, half and the fairest half of life is hidden from
the man, who has not loved with passion."
Salviati had need of the whole force of his dialectic
powers, to hold his own against the wise Schiassetti, who
was always saying to him: "You want to be happy,
then be content with a life exempt from pains and with
a small quantity of happiness every day. Keep yourself
from the lottery of great passions."
"Then give me your curiosity," was Salviati's answer.
I imagine there were not a few days, when he would
have liked to be able to follow the advice of our sensible
colonel; he made a little struggle and thought he was
succeeding; but this line of action was absolutely beyond
his strength. And yet what strength was in that soul!
A white satin hat, a little like that of Madame ——,
seen in the distance in the street, made his heart stop
beating, and forced him to rest against the wall. Even
in his blackest moments, the happiness of meeting her
gave him always some hours of intoxication, beyond the
reach of all misfortune and all reasoning.[6] For the rest,
at the time of his death[7] his character had certainly contracted
more than one noble habit, after two years of
this generous and boundless passion; and, in so far at
least, he judged himself correctly. Had he lived,
and circumstances helped him a little, he would
have made a name for himself. Maybe also, just
through his simplicity, his merit would have passed
on this earth unseen.
O lasso
Quanti dolci pensier, quanto desio
Menò costui al doloroso passo!
Biondo era, e bello, e di gentile aspetto;
Ma l'un de' cigli un colpo avea diviso.
The greatest happiness that love can give—'tis first
joining your hand to the hand of a woman you love.
The happiness of gallantry is quite otherwise—far
more real, and far more subject to ridicule.
In passion-love intimate intercourse is not so much
perfect delight itself, as the last step towards it.
But how depict a delight, which leaves no memories
behind?
Mortimer returned from a long voyage in fear and
trembling; he adored Jenny, but Jenny had not answered
his letters. On his arrival in London, he mounts
his horse and goes off to find her at her country
home. When he gets there, she is walking in the park;
he runs up to her, with beating heart, meets her and she
offers him her hand and greets him with emotion; he
sees that she loves him. Roaming together along the
glades of the park, Jenny's dress became entangled in
an acacia bush. Later on Mortimer won her; but
Jenny was faithless. I maintain to him that Jenny
never loved him and he quotes, as proof of her love, the
way in which she received him at his return from the
Continent; but he could never give me the slightest
details of it. Only he shudders visibly directly he sees
an acacia bush: really, it is the only distinct remembrance
he succeeded in preserving of the happiest moment of
his life.[1]
A sensitive and open man, a former chevalier, confided
to me this evening (in the depth of our craft buffeted
by a high sea on the Lago di Garda[2]) the history of his
loves, which I in my turn shall not confide to the public.
But I feel myself in a position to conclude from them
that the day of intimate intercourse is like those fine days
in May, a critical period for the fairest flowers, a moment
which can be fatal and wither in an instant the fairest
hopes.
[3]
Naturalness cannot be praised too highly. It is the
only coquetry permissible in a thing so serious as love
à la Werther; in which a man has no idea where he is
going, and in which at the same time by a lucky chance for
virtue, that is his best policy. A man, really moved, says
charming things unconsciously; he speaks a language
which he does not know himself.
Woe to the man the least bit affected! Given he were
in love, allow him all the wit in the world, he loses
three-quarters of his advantages. Let him relapse for an
instant into affectation—a minute later comes a moment
of frost.
The whole art of love, as it seems to me, reduces itself
to saying exactly as much as the degree of intoxication at
the moment allows of, that is to say in other terms, to
listen to one's heart. It must not be thought, that this is
so easy; a man, who truly loves, has no longer strength to
speak, when his mistress says anything to make him happy.
Thus he loses the deeds which his words[4] would have
given birth to. It is better to be silent than say things
too tender at the wrong time, and what was in point
ten seconds ago, is now no longer—in fact at this moment
it makes a mess of things. Every time that I used to
infringe this rule[5] and say something, which had come
into my head three minutes earlier and which I thought
pretty, Léonore never failed to punish me. And later I
would say to myself, as I went away—"She is right." This
is the sort of thing to upset women of delicacy extremely;
it is indecency of sentiment. Like tasteless rhetoricians,
they are readier to admit a certain degree of weakness
and coldness. There being nothing in the world to
alarm them but the falsity of their lover, the least little
insincerity of detail, be it the most innocent in the world,
robs them instantly of all delight and puts mistrust into
their heart.
Respectable women have a repugnance to what is
vehement and unlooked for—those being none the less
characteristics of passion—and, furthermore, that vehemence
alarms their modesty; they are on the defensive
against it.
When a touch of jealousy or displeasure has occasioned
some chilliness, it is generally possible to begin subjects,
fit to give birth to the excitement favourable to love,
and, after the first two or three phrases of introduction,
as long as a man does not miss the opportunity of saying
exactly what his heart suggests, the pleasure he will give
to his loved one will be keen. The fault of most men is
that they want to succeed in saying something, which
they think either pretty or witty or touching—instead of
releasing their soul from the false gravity of the world,
until a degree of intimacy and naturalness brings out in
simple language what they are feeling at the moment.
The man, who is brave enough for this, will have instantly
his reward in a kind of peacemaking.
It is this reward, as swift as it is involuntary, of the
pleasure one gives to the object of one's love, which puts
this passion so far above the others.
If there is perfect naturalness between them, the
happiness of two individuals comes to be fused together.[6]
This is simply the greatest happiness which can exist,
by reason of sympathy and several other laws of human
nature.
It is quite easy to determine the meaning of this
word naturalness—essential condition of happiness in
love.
We call natural that which does not diverge from an
habitual way of acting. It goes without saying that one
must not merely never lie to one's love, but not even
embellish the least bit or tamper with the simple outline
of truth. For if a man is embellishing, his attention is
occupied in doing so and no longer answers simply and
truly, as the keys of a piano, to the feelings mirrored
in his eye. The woman finds it out at once by a certain
chilliness within her, and she, in her turn, falls back on
coquetry. Might not here be found hidden the cause
why it is impossible to love a woman with a mind too
far below one's own—the reason being that, in her case,
one can make pretence with impunity, and, as that
course is more convenient, one abandons oneself to unnaturalness
by force of habit? From that moment love
is no longer love; it sinks to the level of an ordinary
transaction—the only difference being that, instead of
money, you get pleasure or flattery or a mixture of both.
It is hard not to feel a shade of contempt for a woman,
before whom one can with impunity act a part, and
consequently, in order to throw her over, one only needs
to come across something better in her line. Habit or
vow may hold, but I am speaking of the heart's desire,
whose nature it is to fly to the greatest pleasure.
To return to this word natural—natural and habitual
are two different things. If one takes these words in the
same sense, it is evident that the more sensibility in a
man, the harder it is for him to be natural, since the
influence of habit on his way of being and acting is less
powerful, and he himself is more powerful at each new
event. In the life-story of a cold heart every page is the
same: take him to-day or take him to-morrow, it is always
the same dummy.
A man of sensibility, so soon as his heart is touched,
loses all traces of habit to guide his action; and how can
he follow a path, which he has forgotten all about?
He feels the enormous weight attaching to every word
which he says to the object of his love—it seems to him as
if a word is to decide his fate. How is he not to look about
for the right word? At any rate, how is he not to have
the feeling that he is trying to say "the right thing"?
And then, there is an end of candour. And so we must
give up our claim to candour, that quality of our being,
which never reflects upon itself. We are the best we
can be, but we feel what we are.
I fancy this brings us to the last degree of naturalness,
to which the most delicate heart can pretend in love.
A man of passion can but cling might and main, as his
only refuge in the storm, to the vow never to change a
jot or tittle of the truth and to read the message of
his heart correctly. If the conversation is lively and
fragmentary, he may hope for some fine moments of
naturalness: otherwise he will only be perfectly natural
in hours when he will be a little less madly in love.
In the presence of the loved one, we hardly retain
naturalness even in our movements, however deeply
such habits are rooted in the muscles. When I gave my
arm to Léonore, I always felt on the point of stumbling,
and I wondered if I was walking properly. The most
one can do is never to be affected willingly: it is enough
to be convinced that want of naturalness is the greatest
possible disadvantage, and can easily be the source of
the greatest misfortunes. For the heart of the woman,
whom you love, no longer understands your own; you
lose that nervous involuntary movement of sincerity,
which answers the call of sincerity. It means the loss of
every way of touching, I almost said of winning her.
Not that I pretend to deny, that a woman worthy of love
may see her fate in that pretty image of the ivy, which
"dies if it does not cling"—that is a law of Nature;
but to make your lover's happiness is none the less a step
that will decide your own. To me it seems that a reasonable
woman ought not to give in completely to her lover,
until she can hold out no longer, and the slightest doubt
thrown on the sincerity of your heart gives her there and
then a little strength—enough at least to delay her defeat
still another day.[7]
Is it necessary to add that to make all this the last
word in absurdity you have only to apply it to gallant-love?
Always a little doubt to allay—that is what whets
our appetite every moment, that is what makes
the life of happy love. As it is never separated from fear,
so its pleasures can never tire. The characteristic of this
happiness is its high seriousness.
There is no form of insolence so swiftly punished
as that which leads you, in passion-love, to take an
intimate friend into your confidence. He knows that, if
what you say is true, you have pleasures a thousand times
greater than he, and that your own make you despise his.
It is far worse between women—their lot in life being
to inspire a passion, and the confidante having commonly
also displayed her charms for the advantage of the lover.
On the other hand, for anyone a prey to this fever,
there is no moral need more imperative than that of a
friend, before whom to dilate on the fearful doubts
which at every instant beset his soul; for in this terrible
passion, always a thing imagined is a thing existent.
"A great fault in Salviati's character," he writes in
1817, "—in this point how opposed to Napoleon's!—is
that when, in the discussion of interests in which passion
is concerned, something is at last morally proved, he
cannot resolve to take that as a fact once and for all
established and as a point to start from. In spite of
himself and greatly to his hurt, he brings it again and
again under discussion." The reason is that, in the field
of ambition, it is easy to be brave. Crystallisation, not
being subjected to the desire of the thing to be won,
helps to fortify our courage; in love it is wholly in
the service of the object against which our courage is
wanted.
A woman may find an unfaithful friend, she also may
find one with nothing to do.
A princess of thirty-five,[1] with nothing to do and dogged
by the need of action, of intrigue, etc. etc., discontented
with a lukewarm lover and yet unable to hope
to sow the seeds of another love, with no use to make
of the energy which is consuming her, with no other
distraction than fits of black humour, can very well
find an occupation, that is to say a pleasure, and a life's
work, in accomplishing the misfortune of a true passion—passion
which someone has the insolence to feel for
another than herself, while her own lover falls to sleep
at her side.
It is the only case in which hate produces happiness;
the reason being that it procures occupation and work.
Just at first, the pleasure of doing something, and, as
soon as the design is suspected by society, the prick of
doubtful success add a charm to this occupation. Jealousy
of the friend takes the mask of hatred for the lover;
otherwise how would it be possible to hate so madly a
man one has never set eyes on? You cannot recognise
the existence of envy, or, first, you would have to recognise
the existence of merit; and there are flatterers about
you who only hold their place at Court by poking fun
at your good friend.
The faithless confidante, all the while she is indulging
in villainies of the deepest dye, may quite well
think herself solely animated by the desire not to lose
a precious friendship. A woman with nothing to do
tells herself that even friendship languishes in a heart
devoured by love and its mortal anxieties. Friendship
can only hold its own, by the side of love, by the exchange
of confidences; but then what is more odious to envy
than such confidences?
The only kind of confidences well received between
women are those accompanied in all its frankness by a
statement of the case such as this:—"My dear friend, in
this war, as absurd as it is relentless, which the prejudices,
brought into vogue by our tyrants, wage upon us, you
help me to-day—to-morrow it will be my turn."[2]
Beyond this exception there is another—that of true
friendship born in childhood and not marred since by
any jealousy...
The confidences of passion-love are only well received
between schoolboys in love with love, and girls eaten up
with unemployed curiosity and tenderness or led on
perhaps by the instinct,[3] which whispers to them that
there lies the great business of their life, and that they
cannot look after it too early.
We have all seen little girls of three perform quite
creditably the duties of gallantry. Gallant-love is inflamed,
passion-love chilled by confidences.
Apart from the danger, there is the difficulty of
confidences. In passion-love, things one cannot express
(because the tongue is too gross for such subtleties)
exist none the less; only, as these are things of extreme
delicacy, we are more liable in observing them to make
mistakes.
Also, an observer in a state of emotion is a bad observer;
he won't allow for chance.
Perhaps the only safe way is to make yourself your
own confidant. Write down this evening, under borrowed
names, but with all the characteristic details, the dialogue
you had just now with the woman you care for, and the
difficulty which troubles you. In a week, if it is passion-love,
you will be a different man, and then, rereading
your consultation, you will be able to give a piece of
good advice to yourself.
In male society, as soon as there are more than two
together, and envy might make its appearance, politeness
allows none but physical love to be spoken of—think of
the end of dinners among men. It is Baffo's sonnets[4] that
are quoted and which give such infinite pleasure; because
each one takes literally the praises and excitement of his
neighbour, who, quite often, merely wants to appear
lively or polite. The sweetly tender words of Petrarch
or French madrigals would be out of place.
When you are in love, as each new object strikes
your eye or your memory, whether crushed in a
gallery and patiently listening to a parliamentary debate,
or galloping to the relief of an outpost under the enemy's
fire, you never fail to add a new perfection to the idea
you have of your mistress, or discover a new means
(which at first seems excellent) of winning her love still
more.
Each step the imagination takes is repaid by a moment
of sweet delight. No wonder that existence, such as this,
takes hold of one.
Directly jealousy comes into existence, this turn of feelings
continues in itself the same, though the effect it is to
produce is contrary. Each perfection that you add to the
crown of your beloved, who now perhaps loves someone
else, far from promising you a heavenly contentment,
thrusts a dagger into your heart. A voice cries out:
"This enchanting pleasure is for my rival to enjoy."[1]
Even the objects which strike you, without producing
this effect, instead of showing you, as before, a new way
of winning her love, cause you to see a new advantage
for your rival.
You meet a pretty woman galloping in the park[2];
your rival is famous for his fine horses which can do
ten miles in fifty minutes.
In this state, rage is easily fanned into life; you no
longer remember that in love possession is nothing, enjoyment
everything. You exaggerate the happiness of
your rival, exaggerate the insolence happiness produces
in him, and you come at last to the limit of tortures,
that is to say to the extremest unhappiness, poisoned still
further by a lingering hope.
The only remedy is, perhaps, to observe your rival's
happiness at close quarters. Often you will see him fall
peacefully asleep in the same salon as the woman, for
whom your heart stops beating, at the mere sight of a
hat like hers some way off in the street.
To wake him up you have only to show your jealousy.
You may have, perhaps, the pleasure of teaching him the
price of the woman who prefers him to you, and he will
owe to you the love he will learn to have for her.
Face to face with a rival there is no mean—you must
either banter with him in the most off-hand way you can,
or frighten him.
Jealousy being the greatest of all evils, endangering one's
life will be found an agreeable diversion. For then not
all our fancies are embittered and blackened (by the
mechanism explained above)—sometimes it is possible to
imagine that one kills this rival.
According to this principle, that it is never right to
add to the enemy's forces, you must hide your love from
your rival, and, under some pretext of vanity as far as
possible removed from love, say to him very quietly, with
all possible politeness, and in the calmest, simplest tone:
"Sir, I cannot think why the public sees good to make
little So-and-so mine; people are even good enough to
believe that I am in love with her. As for you, if you
want her, I would hand her over with all my heart, if
unhappily there were not the risk of placing myself into
a ridiculous position. In six months, take her as much as
ever you like, but at the present moment, honour, such
as people attach (why, I don't know) to these things,
forces me to tell you, to my great regret, that, if by
chance you have not the justice to wait till your turn
comes round, one of us must die."
Your rival is very likely a man without much passion,
and perhaps a man of much prudence, who once convinced
of your resolution, will make haste to yield you
the woman in question, provided he can find any decent
pretext. For that reason you must give a gay tone to
your challenge, and keep the whole move hidden with
the greatest secrecy.
What makes the pain of jealousy so sharp is that vanity
cannot help you to bear it. But, according to the plan
I have spoken of, your vanity has something to feed on;
you can respect yourself for bravery, even if you are
reduced to despising your powers of pleasing.
If you would rather not carry things to such tragic
lengths, you must pack up and go miles away, and keep a
chorus-girl, whose charms people will think have arrested
you in your flight.
Your rival has only to be an ordinary person and he
will think you are consoled.
Very often the best way is to wait without flinching,
while he wears himself out in the eyes of the loved one
through his own stupidity. For, except in a serious
passion formed little by little and in early youth, a clever
woman does not love an undistinguished man for long.[3]
In the case of jealousy after intimate intercourse, there
must follow also apparent indifference or real inconstancy.
Plenty of women, offended with a lover whom
they still love, form an attachment with the man, of
whom he has shown himself jealous, and the play becomes
a reality.[4]
I have gone into some detail, because in these moments
of jealousy one often loses one's head. Counsels, made
in writing a long time ago, are useful, and, the essential
thing being to feign calmness, it is not out of place in a
philosophical piece of writing, to adopt that tone.
As your adversaries' power over you consists in taking
away from you or making you hope for things, whose
whole worth consists in your passion for them, once
manage to make them think you are indifferent, and suddenly
they are without a weapon.
If you have no active course to take, but can distract
yourself in looking for consolation, you will find some
pleasure in reading Othello; it will make you doubt the
most conclusive appearances. You will feast your eyes
on these words:—
Trifles light as air
Seem to the jealous confirmations strong
As proofs from Holy Writ. (Othello, Act III.)
It is my experience that the sight of a fine sea is consoling.
The morning which had arisen calm and bright gave a pleasant
effect to the waste mountain view, which was seen from the
castle on looking to the landward, and the glorious ocean crisped
with a thousand rippling waves of silver extended on the other
side in awful, yet complacent majesty to the verge of the horizon.
With such scenes of calm sublimity the human heart sympathises
even in its most disturbed moods, and deeds of honour and virtue
are inspired by their majestic influence. (The Bride of Lammermoor,
Chap. VII.)
I find this written by Salviati:—
July 20th, 1818.—I often—and I think unreasonably—apply to
life as a whole the feelings of a man of ambition or a good citizen,
if he finds himself set in battle to guard the baggage or in any
other post without danger or action. I should have felt regret
at forty to have passed the age of loving without deep passion.
I should have had that bitter and humiliating displeasure, to
have found out too late that I had been fool enough to let life
pass, without living.
Yesterday I spent three hours with the woman I love and a
rival, whom she wants to make me think she favours. Certainly,
there were moments of bitterness, in watching her lovely eyes
fixed on him, and, on my departure, there were wild transports
from utter misery to hope. But what changes, what sudden
lights, what swift thoughts, and, in spite of the apparent happiness
of my rival, with what pride and what delight my love felt itself
superior to his! I went away saying to myself: The most vile fear
would bleach those cheeks at the least of the sacrifices, which my
love would make for the fun of it, nay, with delight—for example,
to put this hand into a hat and draw one of these two lots: "Be
loved by her," the other—"Die on the spot." And this feeling
in me is so much second nature, that it did not prevent me being
amiable and talkative.
If someone had told me all that two years ago, I should have
laughed.
I find in the Travels to the Source of the Missouri River
... in 1804–6 of Captains Lewis and Clarke (p. 215):—
The Ricaras are poor and generous; we stayed some time in
three of their villages. Their women are more beautiful than
those of the other tribes we came across; they are also not in
the least inclined to let their lover languish. We found a new
example of the truth that you only have to travel to find out
that there is variety everywhere. Among the Ricaras, for a woman
to grant her favours without the consent of her husband or her
brother, gives great offence. But then the brothers and the
husband are only too delighted to have the opportunity of showing
this courtesy to their friends.
There was a negro in our crew; he created a great sensation
among a people who had never seen a man of his colour before.
He was soon a favourite with the fair sex, and we noticed that the
husbands, instead of being jealous, were overjoyed to see him
come to visit them. The funny part was that the interior of the
huts was so narrow that everything was visible.[5]
Now for the woman suspected of inconstancy!
She leaves you, because you have discouraged
crystallisation, but it is possible that in her heart you
have habit to plead for you.
She leaves you, because she is too sure of you. You
have killed fear, and there is nothing left to give birth
to the little doubts of happy love. Just make her uneasy,
and, above all, beware of the absurdity of protestations!
During all the time you have lived in touch with her,
you will doubtless have discovered what woman, in
society or outside it, she is most jealous or most afraid
of. Pay court to that woman, but so far from blazoning
it about, do your best to keep it secret, and do your best
sincerely; trust to the eyes of anger to see everything
and feel everything. The strong aversion you will have
felt for several months to all women ought to make this
easy.[1] Remember that in the position you are in, everything
is spoiled by a show of passion: avoid seeing
much of the woman you love, and drink champagne
with the wits.
In order to judge of your mistress' love, remember:—
1. The more physical pleasure counts for in the basis
of her love and in what formerly determined her to
yield, the more prone it is to inconstancy, and, still
more, to infidelity. This applies especially to love in
which crystallisation has been favoured by the fire of
sweet seventeen.
2. Two people in love are hardly ever equally in
love:[2] passion-love has its phases, during which now one,
now the other is more impassioned. Often, too, it is
merely gallantry or vain love which responds to passion-love,
and it is generally the woman who is carried away
by passion. But whatever the love may be that either of
them feels, directly one of them is jealous, he insists on
the other fulfilling all the conditions of passion-love;
vanity pretends to all the claims of a heart that feels.
Furthermore, nothing wearies gallant-love like passion-love
from the other side.
Often a clever man, paying court to a woman, just sets
her thinking of love in a sentimental frame of mind.
She receives this clever man kindly for giving her this
pleasure—he conceives hopes.
But one fine day that woman meets the man, who
makes her feel what the other has described.
I do not know what are the effects of a man's jealousy
on the heart of the woman he loves. Displayed by an
admirer who wearies her, jealousy must inspire a supreme
disgust, and it may even turn to hatred, if the man he is
jealous of is nicer than the jealous one; for we want
jealousy, said Madame de Coulanges, only from those of
whom we could be jealous.
If the jealous one is liked, but has no real claims, his
jealousy may offend that feminine pride so hard to keep
in humour or even to recognise. Jealousy may please
women of pride, as a new way of showing them their
power.
Jealousy can please as a new way of giving proof of
love. It can also offend the modesty of a woman who is
over-refined.
It can please as a sign of the lover's hot blood—ferrum
est quod amant. But note that it is hot blood they love,
and not courage à la Turenne, which is quite compatible
with a cold heart.
One of the consequences of crystallisation is that a
woman can never say "yes" to the lover, to whom she
has been unfaithful, if she ever means to make anything of
him.
Such is the pleasure of continuing to enjoy the perfect
image we have formed of the object of our attachment,
that until that fatal "yes"—
L'on va chercher bien loin, plutot que de mourir,
Quelque prétexte ami pour vivre et pour souffrir.
Everyone in France knows the anecdote of Mademoiselle
de Sommery, who, caught in flagrant delict by
her lover, flatly denied the fact. On his protesting, she
replied: "Very well, I see you don't love me any
more: you believe what you see before what I tell you."
To make it up with an idol of a mistress, who has
been unfaithful, is to set yourself to undo with the point
of a dagger a crystallisation incessantly forming afresh.
Love has got to die, and your heart will feel the cruel
pang of every stage in its agony.
It is one of the saddest dispositions of this passion and
of life. You must be strong enough to make it up only
as friends.
As for women's jealousy—they are suspicious, they
have infinitely more at stake than we, they have
made a greater sacrifice to love, have far fewer means
of distraction and, above all, far fewer means of keeping
a check on their lover's actions. A woman feels herself
degraded by jealousy; she thinks her lover is laughing
at her, or, still worse, making fun of her tenderest transports.
Cruelty must tempt her—and yet, legally, she cannot
kill her rival!
For women, jealousy must be a still more abominable
evil than it is for men. It is the last degree of impotent
rage and self-contempt[1] which a heart can bear without
breaking.
I know no other remedy for so cruel an evil, than the
death of the one who is the cause of it or of the one who
suffers. An example of French jealousy is the story of
Madame de la Pommeraie in Jacques le Fataliste(19).
La Rochefoucauld says: "We are ashamed of owning
we are jealous, but pride ourselves on having been and
of being capable of jealousy."[2] Poor woman dares not
own even to having suffered this torture, so much ridicule
does it bring upon her. So painful a wound can never
quite heal up.
If cold reason could be unfolded before the fire of
imagination with the merest shade of success, I would say
to those wretched women, who are unhappy from
jealousy: "There is a great difference between infidelity
in man and in you. In you, the importance of the act is
partly direct, partly symbolic. But, as an effect of the
education of our military schools, it is in man the symbol
of nothing at all. On the contrary, in women, through
the effect of modesty, it is the most decisive of all the
symbols of devotion. Bad habit makes it almost a
necessity to men. During all our early years, the
example set by the so-called 'bloods' makes us set all
our pride on the number of successes of this kind—as
the one and only proof of our worth. For you, your
education acts in exactly the opposite direction."
As for the value of an action as symbol—in a moment
of anger I upset a table on to the foot of my neighbour;
that gives him the devil of a pain, but can quite easily be
fixed up—or again, I make as if to give him a slap in the
face....
The difference between infidelity in the two sexes is
so real, that a woman of passion may pardon it, while
for a man that is impossible.
Here we have a decisive ordeal to show the difference
between passion-love and love from pique: infidelity
in women all but kills the former and doubles the force
of the latter.
Haughty women disguise their jealousy from pride.
They will spend long and dreary evenings in silence with
the man whom they adore, and whom they tremble to lose,
making themselves consciously disagreeable in his eyes.
This must be one of the greatest possible tortures, and is
certainly one of the most fruitful sources of unhappiness
in love. In order to cure these women, who merit so
well all our respect, it needs on the man's side a strong
and out-of-the-way line of action—but, mind, he
must not seem to notice what is going on—for example,
a long journey with them undertaken at a twenty-four
hours' notice.
Pique is a manifestation of vanity; I do not want
my antagonist to go higher than myself and I take
that antagonist himself as judge of my worth. I want to
produce an effect on his heart. It is this that carries us
so far beyond all reasonable limits.
Sometimes, to justify our own extravagance, we go
so far as to tell ourselves that this rival has a mind to
dupe us.
Pique, being an infirmity of honour, is far more common
in monarchies; it must, surely, be exceedingly rare in
countries, where the habit is rampant of valuing things
according to their utility—for example, in the United
States.
Every man, and a Frenchman sooner than any other,
loathes being taken for a dupe; and yet the lightness of
the French character under the old monarchic régime[2],
prevented pique from working great havoc beyond the
domains of gallantry and gallant-love. Pique has produced
serious tragedies only in monarchies, where,
through the climate, the shade of character is darker
(Portugal, Piedmont).
The provincial in France forms a ludicrous idea of
what is considered a gentleman in good society—and then
he takes cover behind his model, and waits there all his
life to see that no one trespasses. And so good-bye
naturalness! He is always in a state of pique, a mania
which gives a laughable character even to his love affairs.
This enviousness is what makes it most unbearable to
live in small towns, and one should remind oneself of
this, when one admires the picturesque situation of any
of them. The most generous and noble emotions are
there paralysed by contact with all that is most low in
the products of civilisation. In order to put the finishing
touch to their awfulness, these bourgeois talk of nothing
but the corruption of great cities.[3]
Pique cannot exist in passion-love; it is feminine
pride. "If I let my lover treat me badly, he will despise
me and no longer be able to love me." It may also
be jealousy in all its fury.
Jealousy desires the death of the object it fears. The
man in a state of pique is miles away from that—he
wants his enemy to live, and, above all, be witness of his
triumph.
He would be sorry to see his rival renounce the struggle,
for the fellow may have the insolence to say in the depth
of his heart: "If I had persevered in my original object,
I should have outdone him."
With pique, there is no interest in the apparent purpose—the
point of everything is victory. This is well
brought out in the love affairs of chorus-girls; take away
the rival, and the boasted passion, which threatened
suicide from the fifth-floor window, instantly subsides.
Love from pique, contrary to passion-love, passes in
a moment; it is enough for the antagonist by an irrevocable
step to own that he renounces the struggle. I
hesitate, however, to advance this maxim, having only
one example, and that leaves doubts in my mind. Here
are the facts—the reader will judge. Dona Diana is a
young person of twenty-three, daughter of one of the
richest and proudest citizens of Seville. She is beautiful,
without any doubt, but of a peculiar type of beauty, and is
credited with ever so much wit and still more pride. She
was passionately in love, to all appearances at least, with a
young officer, with whom her family would have nothing
to do. The officer left for America with Morillo, and
they corresponded continuously. One day in the midst
of a lot of people, assembled round the mother of Dona
Diana, a fool announced the death of the charming
officer. All eyes are turned upon Dona Diana; Dona
Diana says nothing but these words: "What a pity—so
young."
Just that day we had been reading a play of old
Massinger, which ends tragically, but in which the
heroine takes the death of her lover with this apparent
tranquillity. I saw the mother shudder in spite of her
pride and dislike; the father went out of the room to
hide his joy. In the midst of this scene and the dismay
of all present, who were making eyes at the fool who
had told the story, Dona Diana, the only one at ease,
proceeded with the conversation, as if nothing had happened.
Her mother, in apprehension, set her maid
to watch her, but nothing seemed to be altered in her
behaviour.
Two years later, a very fine young man paid his attentions
to her. This time again, and, still for the same
reason, Dona Diana's parents violently opposed the
marriage, because the aspirant was not of noble birth.
She herself declared it should take place. A state of
pique ensues between the daughter's sense of honour
and the father's. The young man is forbidden the house.
Dona Diana is no longer taken to the country and hardly
ever to church. With scrupulous care, every means of
meeting her lover is taken from her. He disguises
himself and sees her secretly at long intervals. She
becomes more and more resolute, and refuses the most
brilliant matches, even a title and a great establishment
at the Court of Ferdinand VII. The whole town is
talking of the misfortunes of the two lovers and of their
heroic constancy. At last the majority of Dona Diana
draws near. She gives her father to understand that she
means to make use of her right of disposing of her
own hand. The family, driven back on its last resources,
opens negotiations for the marriage. When it is half
concluded, at an official meeting of the two families, the
young man, after six years' constancy, refuses Dona Diana.[4]
A quarter of an hour later no trace of anything—she
was consoled. Did she love from pique? Or are we
face to face with a great soul, that disclaims to parade
its sorrow before the eyes of the world?
In passion-love satisfaction, if I can call it such, is often
only to be won by piquing the loved one's self-esteem.
Then, in appearance, the lover realises all that can be
desired; complaints would be ridiculous and seem senseless.
He cannot speak of his misfortune, and yet how constantly
he knows and feels its prick! Its traces are inwoven,
so to speak, with circumstances, the most flattering and
the most fit to awaken illusions of enchantment. This
misfortune rears its monstrous head at the tenderest
moments, as if to taunt the lover and make him feel, at one
and the same instant, all the delight of being loved by
the charming and unfeeling creature in his arms, and
the impossibility of this delight being his. Perhaps after
jealousy, this is the cruellest unhappiness.
The story is still fresh in a certain large town[5] of a
man of soft and gentle nature, who was carried away by
a rage of this kind to spill the blood of his mistress, who
only loved him from pique against her sister. He arranged
with her, one evening, to come for a row on the sea by
themselves, in a pretty little boat he had devised himself.
Once well out to sea, he touches a spring, the boat divides
and disappears for ever.
I have seen a man of sixty set out to keep an actress,
the most capricious, irresponsible, delightful and wonderful
on the London stage—Miss Cornel.
"And you expect that she'll be faithful?" people
asked him.
"Not in the least. But she'll be in love with me—perhaps
madly in love."
And for a whole year she did love him—often to
distraction. For three whole months together she
never even gave him subject for complaint. He had
put a state of pique, disgraceful in many ways, between
his mistress and his daughter.
Pique wins the day in gallant-love, being its very life
and blood. It is the ordeal best fitted to differentiate
between gallant-love and passion-love. There is an old
maxim of war, given to young fellows new to their regiment,
that if you are billeted on a house, where there
are two sisters, and you want to have one, you must
pay your attentions to the other. To win the majority
of Spanish women, who are still young and ready for
love affairs, it is enough to give out, seriously and modestly,
that you have no feelings whatever for the lady of the
house. I have this useful maxim from dear General
Lassale. This is the most dangerous way of attacking
passion-love.
Piqued self-esteem is the bond which ties the happiest
marriages, after those formed by love. Many husbands
make sure of their wives' love for many years, by taking
up with some little woman a couple of months after their
marriage.[6] In this way the habit is engendered of thinking
only of one man, and family ties succeed in making
the habit invincible.
If in the past century at the Court of Louis XV a
great lady (Madame de Choiseul) was seen to worship
her husband,[7] the reason is that he seemed to take a
keen interest in her sister, the Duchesse de Grammont.
The most neglected mistress, once she makes us see
that she prefers another man, robs us of our peace and
afflicts our heart with all the semblance of passion.
The courage of an Italian is an access of rage; the
courage of a German a moment of intoxication; that of
a Spaniard an outburst of pride. If there were a nation,
in which courage were generally a matter of piqued self-esteem
between the soldiers of each company and the
regiments of each division, in the case of a rout there
would be no support, and consequently there would be
no means of rallying the armies of such a nation. To
foresee the danger and try to remedy it, would be the
greatest of all absurdities with such conceited runaways.
"It is enough to have opened any single description of a voyage
among the savages of North America," says one of the most
delightful philosophers of France,[8] "to know that the ordinary
fate of prisoners of war is not only to be burnt alive and eaten,
but first to be bound to a stake near a flaming bonfire and to be
tortured there for several hours, by all the most ferocious and
refined devices that fury can imagine. Read what travellers,
who have witnessed these fearful scenes, tell of the cannibal joy
of the assistants, above all, of the fury of the women and children,
and of their gruesome delight in this competition of cruelty.
See also what they add about the heroic firmness and immutable
self-possession of the prisoner, who not only gives no sign of pain,
but taunts and defies his torturers, by all that pride can make
most haughty, irony most bitter, and sarcasm most insulting—singing
his own glorious deeds, going through the number of the
relations and friends of the onlookers whom he has killed, detailing
the sufferings he has inflicted on them, and accusing all that
stand around him of cowardice, timidity and ignorance of the
methods of torture; until falling limb from limb, devoured alive
under his own eyes by enemies drunk with fury, he gasps out his
last whisper and his last insult together with his life's breath.[9] All
this would be beyond belief in civilised nations, will look like
fable to the most fearless captains of our grenadiers, and will
one day be brought into doubt by posterity."
This physiological phenomenon is closely connected
with a particular moral state in the prisoner, which constitutes,
between him on the one side and all his torturers
on the other, a combat of self-esteem—of vanity against
vanity, as to who can hold out longer.
Our brave military doctors have often observed that
wounded soldiers, who, in a calm state of mind and senses,
would have shrieked out, during certain operations, display,
on the contrary, only calmness and heroism, if they
are prepared for it in a certain manner. It is a matter
of piquing their sense of honour; you have to pretend,
first in a roundabout way, and then with irritating
persistence, that it is beyond their present power to bear
the operation without shrieking.
It is of two kinds:
- In which the originator of the quarrel loves.
- In which he does not love.
If one of the lovers is too superior in advantages
which both value, the love of the other must die; for
sooner or later comes the fear of contempt, to cut short
crystallisation.
Nothing is so odious to the mediocre as mental superiority.
There lies the source of hatred in the world of
to-day, and if we do not have to thank this principle for
desperate enmities, it is solely due to the fact that the
people it comes between are not forced to live together.
What then of love? For here, everything being natural,
especially on the part of the superior being, superiority
is not masked by any social precaution.
For the passion to be able to survive, the inferior
must ill-treat the other party; otherwise the latter could
not shut a window, without the other taking offence.
As for the superior party, he deludes himself: the
love he feels is beyond the reach of danger, and, besides,
almost all the weaknesses in that which we love, make it
only the dearer to us.
In point of duration, directly after passion-love reciprocated
between people on the same level, one must
put quarrelsome love, in which the quarreller does not
love. Examples of this are to be found in the anecdotes,
relative to the Duchesse de Berri (Memoirs of Duclos).
Partaking, as it does, of the nature of set habits, which
are rooted in the prosaic and egoistic side of life and
follow man inseparably to the grave, this love can last
longer than passion-love itself. But it is no longer love,
it is a habit engendered by love, which has nothing of
that passion but memories and physical pleasure. This
habit necessarily presupposes a less noble kind of being.
Each day a little scene is got ready—"Will he make a
fuss?"—which occupies the imagination, just as, in
passion-love, every day a new proof of affection had to
be found. See the anecdotes about Madame d'Houdetot
and Saint-Lambert.[1]
It is possible that pride refuses to get used to this
kind of occupation; in which case, after some stormy
months, pride kills love. But we see the nobler passion
make a long resistance before giving in. The little
quarrels of happy love foster a long time the illusion of
a heart that still loves and sees itself badly treated.
Some tender reconciliations may make the transition
more bearable. A woman excuses the man she has deeply
loved, on the score of a secret sorrow or a blow to his
prospects. At last she grows used to being scolded.
Where, really, outside passion-love, outside gambling or
the possession of power,[2] can you find any other unfailing
entertainment to be compared with it for liveliness?
If the scolder happens to die, the victim who survives
proves inconsolable. This is the principle which forms
the bond of many middle-class marriages; the scolded
can listen to his own voice all day long talking of his
favourite subject.
There is a false kind of quarrelsome love. I took from
the letters of a woman of extraordinary brilliance this in
Chapter XXXIII:—
"Always a little doubt to allay—that is what whets our
appetite in passion-love every moment.... As it is
never separated from fear, so its pleasures can never tire."
With rough and ill-mannered people, or those with a
very violent nature, this little doubt to calm, this faint
misgiving shows itself in the form of a quarrel.
If the loved one has not the extreme susceptibility,
which comes of a careful education, she may find that
love of this kind has more life in it, and consequently is
more enjoyable. Even with all the refinement in the
world, it is hard not to love "your savage" all the more,
if you see him the first to suffer for his transports. What
Lord Mortimer thinks back on, perhaps, with most regret
for his lost mistress, are the candlesticks she threw at his
head. And, really, if pride forgives and permits such
sensations, it must also be allowed that they do wage
implacable warfare upon boredom—that arch-enemy of
the happy!
Saint-Simon, the one historian France has had,
says:—
After several passing fancies, the Duchesse de Berri had fallen
in love, in real earnest, with Riom, cadet of the house of d'Aydie,
son of a sister of Madame de Biron. He had neither looks nor
sense: a stout, short youth, with a puffy white face, who with
all his spots looked like one big abscess—though, true, he had fine
teeth. He had no idea of having inspired a passion, which in less
than no time went beyond all limits and lasted ever after, without,
indeed, preventing passing fancies and cross-attachments. He
had little property, and many brothers and sisters who had no
more. M. and Madame de Pons, lady-in-waiting to the Duchesse
de Berri, were related to them and of the same province, and they
sent for the young man, who was a lieutenant in the dragoons,
to see what could be made of him. He had scarcely arrived before
the Duchess's weakness for him became public and Riom was master
of the Luxembourg.
M. de Lauzun, whose grand-nephew he was, laughed in his
sleeve; he was delighted to see in Riom a reincarnation at the
Luxembourg of himself from the time of Mademoiselle. He
gave Riom instructions which were listened to by him, as befitted
a mild and naturally polite and respectful young fellow, well
behaved and straightforward. But before long Riom began to feel
the power of his own charms, which could only captivate the incomprehensible
humour of this princess. Without abusing his power
with others, he made himself liked by everyone, but he treated
his duchess as M. de Lauzun had treated Mademoiselle. He was
soon dressed in the richest laces, the richest suits, furnished with
money, buckles, jewels. He made himself an object of admiration
and took a delight in making the princess jealous or pretending to
be jealous himself—bringing her often to tears. Little by little
he reduced her to the state of doing nothing without his permission,
not even in matters of indifference. At one time, ready to go
out to the Opera, he made her stay at home; at another he made
her go against her will. He forced her to do favours to ladies she
disliked, or of whom she was jealous, and to injure people she
liked, or of whom he pretended to be jealous. Even as far as
dress, she was not allowed the smallest liberty. He used to amuse
himself by making her have her hair done all over again, or have
her dress changed when she was completely ready—and this happened
so often and so publicly, that he had accustomed her to
take in the evening his orders for dress and occupation for the
next day. The next day he would change it all and make the
princess cry still more. At last she came to sending him messages
by trusted valets—for he lived in the Luxembourg almost from
the day of his arrival—and the messages had often to be repeated
during her toilet for her to know what ribbons to wear and about
her frock and other details of dress; and nearly always he made
her wear what she disliked. If sometimes she gave herself some
liberty in the smallest matter without leave, he treated her like a
servant, and often her tears lasted several days.
This haughty princess, who was so fond of display and indulging
her boundless pride, could bring herself so low as to partake of
obscene parties with him and unmentionable people—she with
whom no one could dine unless he were prince of the blood. The
Jesuit Riglet, whom she as a child had known, and who had
brought her up, was admitted to these private meals, without
feeling ashamed himself or the Duchess being embarrassed.
Madame de Mouchy was admitted into the secret of all these
strange events; she and Riom summoned the company and chose
the days. This lady was the peacemaker between the two lovers,
and the whole of this existence was a matter of general knowledge
at the Luxembourg. Riom was there looked to, as the centre
of everything, while on his side he was careful to live on good
terms with all, honouring them with a show of respect, which he
refused in public only to his princess. Before everybody he would
give her curt answers, which would make the whole company
lower their eyes and bring blushes to the cheeks of the Duchess,
who put no constraint upon her idolatry of him."
Riom was a sovereign remedy, for the Duchess, against
the monotony of life.
A famous woman said once off-hand to General Bonaparte,
then a young hero covered with glory and with no
crimes against liberty on his conscience: "General, a
woman could only be a wife or a sister to you." The
hero did not understand the compliment, which the
world has made up for with some pretty slanders.
The women, of whom we are speaking, like to be despised
by their lover, whom they only love in his cruelty.
The leap of Leucas was a fine image of antiquity. It is
true, the remedy of love is almost impossible. A danger
is needed to call man's attention back sharply to look to
his own preservation.[1] But that is not all. What is harder
to realise—a pressing danger must continue, and one that
can only be averted with care, in order that the habit of
thinking of his own preservation may have time to take
root. I can see nothing that will do but a storm of sixteen
days, like that in Don Juan[2] or the shipwreck of
M. Cochelet among the Moors. Otherwise, one gets
soon used to the peril, and even drops back into thoughts
of the loved one with still more charm—when reconnoitring
at twenty yards' range from the enemy.
We have repeated over and over again that the love of
a man, who loves well, delights in and vibrates to every
movement of his imagination, and that there is nothing
in nature which does not speak to him of the object of
his love. Well, this delight and this vibration form a
most interesting occupation, next to which all others
pale.
A friend who wants to work the cure of the patient,
must, first of all, be always on the side of the woman
the patient is in love with—and all friends, with more
zeal than sense, are sure to do exactly the opposite.
It is attacking with forces too absurdly inferior that
combination of sweet illusions, which earlier we called
crystallisation.[3]
The friend in need should not forget this fact, that, if
there is an absurdity to be believed, as the lover has
either to swallow it or renounce everything which
holds him to life, he will swallow it. With all the cleverness
in the world, he will deny in his mistress the most
palpable vices and the most villainous infidelities. This
is how, in passion-love, everything is forgiven after a
little.
In the case of reasonable and cold characters, for the
lover to swallow the vices of a mistress, he must only
find them out after several months of passion.[4]
Far from trying bluntly and openly to distract the
lover, the friend in need ought to tire him with talking
of his love and his mistress, and at the same time manage
that a host of little events force themselves upon his
notice. Even if travel isolates,[5] it is still no remedy,
and in fact nothing recalls so tenderly the object of our
love as change of scene. It was in the midst of the
brilliant Paris salons, next to women with the greatest
reputation for charm, that I was most in love with my
poor mistress, solitary and sad in her little room in the
depth of the Romagna.[6]
I looked at the superb clock in the brilliant salon,
where I was exiled, for the hour she goes out on foot,
even in the rain, to call on her friend. Trying to forget
her, I have found that change of scene is the source of
memories of one's love, less vivid but far more heavenly
than those one goes in search for in places, where once
upon a time one met her.
In order that absence may prove useful, the friend in
need must be always at hand, and suggest to the lover's
mind all possible reflections on the history of his love,
trying to make these reflections tiresome through their
length and importunity. In this way he gives them the
appearance of commonplaces. For example, tender sentimental
talk after a dinner enlivened with good wine.
It is hard to forget a woman, with whom one has been
happy; for, remember, that there are certain moments
the imagination can never be tired of evoking and
beautifying.
I leave out all mention of pride, cruel but sovereign
remedy, which, however, is not to be applied to sensitive
souls.
The first scenes of Shakespeare's Romeo form an admirable
picture; there is so vast a gap between the man
who says sorrowfully to himself: "She hath forsworn to
love," and he who cries out in the height of happiness:
"Come what sorrow can!"
Her passion will die like a lamp for want of what the flame should
feed upon. (Bride of Lammermoor, II, Chap. VI.)]
The friend in need must beware of faulty reasoning—for
example, of talking about ingratitude. You
are giving new life to crystallisation, by procuring it a
victory and a new enjoyment.
In love there is no such thing as ingratitude; the actual
pleasure always repays, and more than repays, sacrifices
that seem the greatest. In love no other crime but want
of honesty seems to me possible: one should be scrupulous
as to the state of one's heart.
The friend in need has only to attack fair and square,
for the lover to answer:—
"To be in love, even while enraged with the loved
one, is nothing less, to bring myself down to your £ s. d.
style, than having a ticket in a lottery, in which the prize
is a thousand miles above all that you can offer me, in
your world of indifference and selfish interests. One must
have plenty of vanity—and precious petty vanity—to be
happy, because people receive you well. I do not blame
men for going on like this, in their world, but in the love
of Léonore I found a world where everything was heavenly,
tender and generous. The most lofty and almost incredible
virtue of your world counted, between her and
me, only as any ordinary and everyday virtue. Let me
at all events dream of the happiness of passing my life
close to such a creature. Although I understand that
slander has ruined me, and that I have nothing to hope
for, at least I shall make her the sacrifice of my vengeance."
It is quite impossible to put a stop to love except in
its first stages. Besides a prompt departure, and the
forced distractions of society (as in the case of the Comtesse
Kalember), there are several other little ruses,
which the friend in need can bring into play. For example,
he can bring to your notice, as if by chance, the
fact that the woman you love, quite outside the disputed
area, does not even observe towards you the same amount
of politeness and respect, with which she honours your
rival. The smallest details are enough; for in love
everything is a sign. For example, she does not take
your arm to go up to her box. This sort of nonsense,
taken tragically by a passionate heart, couples a pang of
humiliation to every judgment formed by crystallisation,
poisons the source of love and may destroy it.
One way against the woman, who is behaving badly
to our friend, is to bring her under suspicion of some
absurd physical defect, impossible to verify. If it were
possible for the lover to verify the calumny, and even if
he found it substantiated, it would be disqualified by his
imagination, and soon have no place with him at all.
It is only imagination itself which can resist imagination:
Henry III knew that very well when he scoffed at the
famous Duchesse de Montpensier(22).
Hence it is the imagination you must look to—above
all, in a girl whom you want to keep safe from love.
And the less her spirit has of the common stuff, the
more noble and generous her soul, in a word the worthier
she is of our respect, just so much greater the danger
through which she must pass.
It is always perilous, for a girl, to suffer her
memories to group themselves too repeatedly and too
agreeably round the same individual. Add gratitude,
admiration or curiosity to strengthen the bonds of
memory, and she is almost certainly on the edge of the
precipice. The greater the monotony of her everyday
life, the more active are those poisons called gratitude,
admiration and curiosity. The only thing, then, is a
swift, prompt and vigorous distraction.
Just so, a little roughness and "slap-dash" in the
first encounter, is an almost infallible means of winning
the respect of a clever woman, if only the drug be
administered in a natural and simple manner.