A few “Confessions” made by psychopathic sufferers
will help us best to understand the character,
the mechanism, the factors, and principles of neurosis:
“As you are desirous of knowing more about
my life and environment, I state concerning them
as follows:
“You will remember that I told you that my step-father
was a liquor dealer. Throughout all the
time that he was in business we either lived over
the bar-room or else right in the place where the
liquor was sold. My step-father was a very heavy
drinker, a man of violent nature, and decidedly
pugnacious. As a child I have been scared to death
by drunken brawls, and many nights have been
dragged out of bed by my mother who would flee with
me to the house of a neighbor for safety.
“I might say that until I was seventeen years
old, I lived in continual terror of something going
to happen. If he was arrested by the police, as
often happened, our home would be a scene of turmoil
until the case was settled.
“I remember one incident very plainly, when he
came home one night completely covered with blood
as the result of being held up by thugs, and another
time when he left the house to subdue some quarreling
drunks with a pistol and returned after an
exchange of shots with his hand shot through.
“As a child, I was inclined to study, and associated
very little with other children. My mother
tells me that I talked early, but when about three
years old I began to stammer. This trouble
bothered me a great deal, and I used to worry about
it all the time, especially in school when I would
try to recite. I might add that even now, when
excited, I am troubled in the same way.
“My step-father has been subject to nightmares
nearly all his life; when asleep he would cry and
moan and would be unable to move until some one
would shake him out of it. He was terribly afraid
of them, and I remember he used to say that he
expected to die in one of them. I used to be left
alone with him quite frequently, and I stood in
constant fear of his dying; and if he fell asleep,
as he frequently did in the day time, I would wake
him or watch his respiration to see if he was alive.
“At other times I have been awakened in the night
by his cries and would assist my mother in bringing
him to consciousness. It was during one of
these times that I became aware of my heart palpitating,
and whenever he had such a spell, I would
be in a state of fear and excitement for some time
after. He would have these nightmares nearly every
night and some times four or five times in one night,
and I might add that he has them even now.
“I began to have attacks of dizziness in the
streets, and finally one day, I had one, and all symptoms
and fears of the attack came on in school, and
from that time on I have watched my respiration
and suffered from dizziness, mental depression, and
sadness.
“You have asked me to tell you more in detail
about the attacks or nightmares to which my step-father
was subject, and which always frightened
me greatly, especially when a child.
“My step-father had the habit of falling asleep
quite often, even in the day time, and I have never
known him to go to sleep without having an attack
in some form. If one watched him asleep, as I
often did, one could tell by his respiration when an
attack was coming. His breathing would become
slower and hardly perceptible, and finally he would
begin to moan, and cry out; then, when shaken
vigorously and spoken to, he would awaken in great
fear and apparent suffering. If he had an attack,
and we did not respond soon enough, he would be
very angry and say that we cared not if he should
die. We were so afraid of these attacks that we had
trained ourselves to be ever on the look-out for his
cries, even at night.
“It really seemed as if his life rested in our hands.
I might say that sometimes these attacks lasted several
minutes, before he could be awakened. He used
to say that at such times he always dreamed someone
was choking, beating, or otherwise torturing
him. He had been told by some physician that he
would ultimately die in such an attack.
“These attacks were sufficient to precipitate a
small panic in the house. I know not a single hour
of the day or night, but that I have either been
called or awakened by my mother in her efforts
to awaken him. With the attack over, I would be
trembling all over, and my heart would be beating
madly. I can remember these attacks from my
earliest childhood, and it seems to me that on one
occasion, at your office, I was startled just as these
attacks used to make me.”
While in the hypnoidal state, patient exclaimed:
“I am afraid. All my life I lived under terror....
This is just my disease,—fear.”
“I lived from infancy in a state of apprehension
and fear. In my home there seemed to be always a
tension. I don’t know that I ever relaxed there during
my waking hours. I was never at peace mentally.
This was largely brought about by my mother’s
chronic condition of fear. I should not have had
such a large development of the fear habit had there
been any neutralizing influence. But my father was
a weak character, living under fear, being afraid of
responsibility, so that my character was closely
molded on his. He gave me no moral fiber to resist
fears of mother, and so did not help me to build any
character of my own. I still carry with me the state
of apprehension and fear that I contracted in my
early life. I had only one serious illness in my life
outside of my nervous troubles. Had an attack of
bowel trouble somewhere near the age of six. I was
once struck in the face by a dog’s teeth. I have
had various cancer experiences.
“My father, when I was very young, had some irritation
of the throat. A physician told him he was
in danger of cancer. I can recall him anxiously
looking at his throat. Later a neighbor went to a
‘plaster specialist’ to have a supposed cancer of
the tongue removed. His wife was often at our
home talking of his sufferings.
“While attending dental school I contracted some
trouble. I went to a physician near where I lived.
He talked to me of a possibility of syphilis. I
became much frightened, and read all I could find on
syphilis. The books scared me still more. At last
on the advice of friends, I went to another physician
who reassured me, and I lost part of my fear.
“After this I returned home for a summer vacation.
This was in 1904. That summer my tongue
felt sore, I looked at it, and found it peculiar. This
aroused my fears of syphilis. Upon returning to
Chicago in the fall (1904) I asked my physician to
recommend a specialist. He sent me to a syphilographer,
who told me I had no syphilis, but that
the condition of my tongue was caused by gall bladder
trouble. He wished me to have the gall bladder
operated which I refused to do. I thought no more
about my tongue until I studied cancer in oral surgery.
I would then occasionally worry over my
condition. About this time an actor whom I knew
died of cancer of the tongue. I worried over my
tongue, being afraid of cancer, for several days
after this. I then went along for seven or eight
years without much thought of my tongue.
“One day in February 1913, after some pain in my
side which brought the thoughts of gall bladder and
then of the tongue, I asked advice of a physician.
He looked at my tongue and said: ‘I don’t wish to
frighten you, but you should have that tongue
attended to. You might some day have a cancer
there.’ He sent me to a throat specialist who said
the condition of my tongue was due to a back tooth.
I had the tooth removed. I afterwards consulted
Dr. L., a surgeon at Eau Claire, Wis., with the idea
of having the gall bladder operated upon. He
laughed at the gall bladder trouble, but sent me to
Battle Creek Sanitarium with the idea, I think, that
the change would relieve me of my fears. At Battle
Creek I was told I had a mild case of colitis, and was
put under treatment for it.
“While at Battle Creek my fears grew less. I remained
at Battle Creek about two months. Shortly
before leaving there I was given a Wasserman test.
This they told me was faintly positive. I was then
given three injections of Neo-Salvarsan. I then left
Battle Creek and stopped at Chicago to see Dr. P.
Dr. P. said any Wasserman would be positive, taken
with no more care than mine had been. That there
was no reason to think there was any syphilis anyway.
He then sent me to Dr. W., an internist, who
said I had hyperacidity of the stomach.
“I did not feel very badly at this time, although
my fears of cancer persisted. I was carrying on the
work in my office. Later in the summer I went to
the Mayo Clinic at Rochester, Minn., where I was
given a local application for my tongue. In the fall
of 1913, while in Milwaukee I consulted an oral surgeon,
Dr. B. He said ‘I will send you to Dr. F., a
dermatologist who knows more about diseases of the
tongue than any man I know.’ I consulted Dr. F.
who said: ‘Geographical tongue, do not worry about
it.’ My fears were instantly relieved. I seldom
thought of my tongue in the next two years.
“In the fall of 1916 I had some trouble with my
stomach. This seemed to bring my fears to mind
and one day my fear of cancer returned. There
was a connection between my fears and the stomach
and gall bladder trouble diagnosed in regard to my
tongue. At least the stomach trouble would bring
thoughts of the tongue condition.
“I tried to help myself out of my mental condition
by reading articles on cancer. This made me worse.
I went to Chicago where I was told by Dr. S., a dermatologist,
that radium might remedy the condition
of my tongue. I had several applications of radium.
After this I still worried a great deal. I went
through the spring and summer under a nervous
strain, but still able to carry on my work. That
fall (1917) I had such intense fear that I was
attacked by acute insomnia. I was unable to sleep
without Veronal. The day after my insomnia began
I found myself very weak. I was pale, and my heart
would pound on the least exertion. I had also a
great deal of pain in my bowels. I went to Chicago
and consulted Dr. E., Dean of Northwestern University
Medical School. He told me such conditions
usually traveled in a circle, that my nervous condition
might leave me in a few months. I went
through the winter in this condition.
“I began to have a great fear of the fact that it
was necessary to use hypnotics. This fear of drugs
was strong, and overshadowed my other fears. I
read an article on hypnotics as a habit; this added
to my fear of them.
“Before using hypnotics I noticed my sexual
power was less, or rather there was no pleasure in it.
This did not trouble me as I thought it a part of my
nervous condition.
“In April, 1918, I went again to Battle Creek. I
did very well there for a week, but then got into a
deep depression, became weak, and was frightened to
think I was no better. I remained in Battle Creek
for three weeks, and then went home. A month
later I went to St. Paul and consulted a neurologist.
He did not know what to do for me.
“I went to Milwaukee and consulted another
neurologist. I was becoming more despondent all
the time. I decided to go to a sanitarium to see if
I could not get rid of my drug habit. I went to
Wauwatosa, Wis., and remained there three weeks,
but I could see they did not know what to do for me.
“In August I entered the Rest Hospital at Minneapolis
and remained there for a while under the care
of Dr. J. I managed to drag along, terrorized by
my condition and by the fact that I could get no
relief.
“The drug habit was my greatest obsession at this
time. I used bromides and chloral hydrate,—changed
hypnotics frequently.
“In January, 1919, I saw Dr. P. of Chicago, who
sent me to a sanitarium where I received no help.
I then hunted through magazines for articles on
nervous diseases. I read of Dr. S. and his work and
came under his care at Portsmouth in May, 1919.
While there I learned to control my fears. I left
Portsmouth in August feeling sure of myself. I
would occasionally have a depression which would
not frighten me and did not remain with me long. I
was looking forward to a happy future.
“During the summer of 1921 I felt tired most of
the time. However, I was still sure of being able to
handle myself. One day after feeling very tired my
fear of cancer returned. I got into a panic and
started East to see Dr. S. On arriving in Boston I
found he was in the West. I went to Dr. P.’s office;
was sent to Dr. W. and by him to a psycho-analyst.
The psycho-analyst said I had a ‘mother complex,
without usual sexual features.’ Psycho-analysis
proved a failure, and I abandoned the treatment with
disgust, as useless and silly.”
The patient was under my care for five months.
He is now back to his dental work. He writes to me
that he is gaining rapidly in weight, and is in excellent
condition.
“I am a married woman of fifty-two. All my life I
have been imprisoned in the dungeon keep of fear.
Fear paralyzes me in every effort. If I could once
overcome my enemy, I would rejoice forever more.
“In childhood everything cowered me. I was bred
in fear. At five or six my mother died, and I feared
and distrusted a God who would so intimidate me and
bereave me. I heard tales of burglars being discovered
hiding under beds, and a terrified child retired
nightly for years. I was in agony of fears.
My fears I never told. Later I heard of the doctrines
of God’s foreknowledge, and, as a little rebel,
I would place dishes on the pantry shelves, changing
from place to place, and then giving up in despair,
knowing that if foreknowledge were true, God knew
that I would go through with all that performance.
“Through childhood I feared suicide. It was a
world of escape that appealed to me and yet appalled
me. I also heard of somnambulism, and I never saw
a keen bladed knife, but I dreaded that in my sleep
I might do damage to myself or to my friends in a
state of unconsciousness.
“In my twenties I did attempt suicide a number
of times, but somehow they proved unsuccessful. I
always aimed to have it appear an accident. I
dreaded to have my death appear as a stain and disgrace
to my family which I loved.
“I always fear to walk at any height, on a trestle
over running walls, or even to walk on a bridge without
side railings.
“As a child I was afraid of the dark, I was afraid
of going out on the street in a dark night. In fact,
even a moonlight night terrified me when I remained
alone. I was afraid to go into dark places, such as
cellars, or into lonely places even in the daytime.
“As a child I was always shy, fearful, timid, and
self-conscious to a painful degree. Even as a grown-up
woman I am often a sufferer from the same cause,
although I have sufficient self-control to conceal it.
“I have to be careful of my state of health, as the
latter is very delicate. I am a chronic sufferer from
indigestion and constipation, although I somehow
manage to regulate these troubles.
“When I need my nerves in good control so frequently,
they are in a state of utter collapse. My
brain is in a state of confusion, in a state of whirl
just when I need to think the clearest. My poor
brain feels as if a tight band encircled and contracted
it. It seems to me as if the brain has
shrunken from the temples.
“My memory is unreliable. Often I read quite
carefully, but I am unable to recall what I have read.
Especially is this so, if called upon without previous
warning. My brain goes into a panic of an extremely
alarming kind.
“I was told that I was a woman of a good brain
and of great talent, that all I needed was to exercise
my will and determination, and that I would succeed.
I lack concentration and I lack confidence.
“In my childhood hell fire was preached. Fore-ordination
and an arbitrary God were held up to my
childish comprehension. I was bred in fear, and self
destruction resulted.”
The following valuable account given by an
eminent physician brings out well the factors and
principles of neurosis expounded in this volume:
“You ask me to write about my fears. I give you
a brief account.
“As a child, as far as memory carries, I had a
fear of ghosts, of giants, of monsters, and of all
kinds of mysterious and diabolical agencies and
witchcraft of which I had heard a number of tales
and stories in my early childhood. I was afraid of
thieves, of robbers, and of all forms of evil agencies.
The fears were stronger at daytime, but more so at
night. Strange noises, unexpected voices and sounds
made a cold shiver run down my back.
“I was afraid to remain alone in a closed room,
or in the dark, or in a strange place. It seemed to
me as if I was left and abandoned by everybody, and
that something awful was going to happen to me.
When I happened to be left alone under such conditions
I was often in a state of helplessness, paralyzing
terror. Such states of fear sweep occasionally
over me even at present. I find, however, that they
are far more complicated with associations of a
more developed personal life. I know that in some
form or other the fears are present, but are inhibited
by counteracting impulses and associations. I still
feel a cold shiver running down my back, when I
happen to go into a dark cellar in the dead of night,
or happen to remain alone in a dark, empty house.
Such fears date back to my fourth year, and possibly
to an earlier time of my childhood.
“As a matter of contrast-inhibitions of such fears
I may either brace myself and put myself in a state
of courage and exaltation, or when this does not
succeed, I let my mind dwell on other fears and troubles.
I find that the last method is often far more
effective in the inhibition of fear states which at the
moment are present with me. All I need is to press
the button, so to say, and awaken some other fears,
the present fears diminish in intensity, and fade
away for the time being. I actually favor, and welcome,
and even look for disagreeable and painful
experiences so as to overcome some of my present
fears. The new fears are then treated in the same
way.
“As I became older, about the age of eight, I
began to fear disease and death. This may be due
to the infectious diseases that attacked many members
of our family, about this time. In fact, I have
been present at the death bed of some of them, and
the impression was one of terror, mysterious horror.
I was afraid I might get diseases from which I might
die. After my witnessing the last agonizing moment
of death, my elders thought of removing me to a
safer place; their fears and precautions still more
impressed the fear of danger of disease and death.
I may say that I really never freed myself from the
fear of disease and death. The latter fear is
always present with me in a vague form, always
ready to crop up at any favorable opportunity.
This fear, in so far as it is extending its tentacles
in various directions, is often the bane of my life.
Even at my best there is always a kind of vague
fear of possible danger, lurking in various objects
which may be infected or possibly poisonous.
“This fear has been spreading and has become
quite extensive, involving my family, my children,
my friends, my acquaintances, and my patients.
Usually I ignore these fears, or get control over
them by an effort of will. When, however, I happen
to be fatigued, or worried over small things in the
course of my work, or happen to be in low spirits
by petty reversals of life, these fears may become
aroused. Under such conditions I may become
afraid, for instance, of drinking milk, because it may
be tuberculous.
“This fear may spread and involve fear for my
children and my patients; or again I may be afraid
of eating oysters and other shell fish, because they
may be infected with typhoid fever germs. I may
refuse to eat mushrooms, because they may be poisonous.
The other day I was actually taken sick
with nausea and with disposition to vomiting after
eating of otherwise good mushrooms. The fear
seized on me that they all might be poisonous ‘toadstools.’
Such fears may extend to ever new reactions
and to ever new associations, and are possibly the
worst feature of the trouble.
“I have a fear of coming in contact with strangers,
lest I get infected by them, giving me tuberculosis,
influenza, scarlet fever, and so on. This mysophobia
involves my children and my friends, inasmuch that
I am afraid that strangers may communicate some
contagious diseases. A similar fear I have in regard
to animals, that they may possibly be infected with
rabies, or with glanders, or with some other deadly,
pathogenic micro-organism. I am afraid of mosquito
bites, lest they give me malaria, or yellow fever. The
fears, in the course of their extension, may become
ever more intense and more insidious than the original
states.
“As a child I had some bad experiences with dogs;
I was attacked by dogs and badly bitten. Although
this fear is no longer so intense as it was in
my childhood, still I know it is present. My heart
sometimes comes to a sudden standstill, when I happen
to come on a strange dog. When the strange
dog growls and barks, all my courage is lost, and I
beat an inglorious retreat. It is only in the presence
of other people that I can rise to the effort of walking
along and apparently paying no attention to the
dog. This is because I fear the opinion of others
more even than I fear the growls of dogs. My social
and moral fears are far greater than my purely
physical fears.
“When I became older, about the age of eighteen
to twenty, a new form of fear appeared, like a new
sprout added to the main trunk, or possibly growing
out of the main fear of disease and death, that is the
fear of some vague, impending evil. The fear of
some terrible accident to myself and more so to my
family, or to any of the people of whom I happen
to take care, is constantly present in the margin of
my consciousness, or as you would put it, in my subconsciousness.
Sometimes the fears leave me for a
while, sometimes they are very mild, and sometimes
again they flare up with an intensity that is truly
alarming and uncontrollable. The energy with which
those fears become insistent in consciousness, and
the motor excitement to which they give rise are
really extraordinary. The fear comes like a sudden
flood. The energy with which those fears rise into
consciousness is often overwhelming.
“Fear gets possession of me under circumstances
in which my suspicions are, for some reason or other,
aroused to activity, all the more so if the suspicions
of possible impending evil are awakened suddenly.
In other words, the fears arise with stimulations of
associations of threatening danger to myself and to
my family. I am afraid that something may happen
to my children; I fear that they may fall sick suddenly;
I fear that some terrible accident may happen
to them; I fear that they may fall down from
some place, and be maimed or be killed. I fear that
my children and other members of my family may
be poisoned by people who are not well disposed
towards them. I am afraid that they may pick up
some food that was infected, or that they may be
infected in school by children who happen to suffer
from some infectious maladies. I am afraid that my
children may be overrun by some vehicles, by automobiles,
or that they may be killed in an accident,
that they may be killed by a street car, or even that
the house may collapse. This latter event has actually
taken place when I was a child. In fact, many,
if not all of those fears have actually their origin in
my experience.
“As I write you these lines, memories of such events
come crowding upon my mind. Are they the noxious
seeds that have been planted on the soil of fear?
I am afraid sometimes that even the food I and my
children as well as other people eat may give rise
to toxic products and thus produce disease. Often
in the dead of night, I may come to see my children
in order to convince myself that they have no fever,
and that they are not threatened by any terrible
disease. The very words ‘sickness,’ ‘disease,’ ‘not
feeling well,’ ‘death,’ arouse my feeling and sometimes
throw me into a panic. I am afraid to use such
words in connection with any of my children. I am
afraid that the evil mentioned may actually happen.
“When a child I learned about testing and omens.
If a test comes through in a certain way, it is an
omen of good luck, otherwise it means bad luck.
This superstitious testing and omens have remained
with me, and that in spite of my liberal training and
knowledge of the absurdity of such superstitions.
I may test by opening the Bible at any page, or I
may test by anything that might occur, according
to my guesses. All of these fears I know have no
meaning for me, they are senseless and absurd, but
they are so rooted in my early childhood, they have
been so often repeated, they have accumulated round
them so much emotion of fear that they come to my
mind with a force which is truly irresistible. Many
of the fears have multiplied to such an extent that
I cannot touch anything without rousing some slumbering
fear.
“To continue with my fears; I am often afraid
that the doors are not well locked, and I must try
them over and over again; I go away and come back
again, and try and try again, and once more. It is
tiresome, but as the fear is constantly with me, and
is born again and again, I cannot be satisfied, and
must repeat the whole process over and over until I
get tired, and give up the whole affair in sheer
despair. In such cases a contrary and different
fear comes in handy. One devil banishes another.
I am afraid that the gas jet is left open, and I must
try it over and over, and test the jets with matches.
This process of testing may go on endlessly. The
fear remains and the process must begin again until
it is stopped by sheer effort of will as something
meaningless, automatic, and absurd. The performance
must be stopped and substituted by something
else.
“Colds, or attacks of influenza of the mildest
character have given rise to fears of pneumonia.
Pain in the abdomen, or a little intestinal distress
has awakened fears of possible appendicitis, or of
tumor, or intestinal obstruction. The least suspicion
of blood in the stools awakens the fear of possible
cancer. Vomiting or even nausea brings fears
of cancer of the stomach. There is no disease from
which I have not suffered.
“The same fears have naturally been extended to
my children, and to all those who are under my care.
The least symptom is sufficient to arouse in me
fears of possible terror and horrible consequences.
“I am afraid that suits may be brought against
me, or that some of my own people, patients and even
employees whom I discharged, may bring legal action
against me in court, or blackmail me. When I leave
home, I am afraid that something terrible has happened.
The fear of impending evil is always with
me. The fears have invaded every part of my being.
It seems as if there is no resistance in my mind to
those terrible fear states.
“Perhaps it may interest you to know that, although
I am quite liberal, and even regarded as irreligious,
still I am afraid to express any word against
God, Christ, saints, martyrs of any church and denomination,
be they Christian, Mohammedan, Buddhist,
or pagan. I am afraid lest they may hear me
and do me harm; I fear to say a word even against
the devil or Satan. I am obsessed by fears. Fears
pursue me as long as I am awake, and do not leave
me alone in my sleep and dreams. Fears are the
curse of my life, and yet I have control of them, none
but you has any suspicion of them. I go about my
work in a seemingly cheerful and happy way. The
fears, however, are the bane of my life, and torture
me by their continued presence.
“I tried to find whether or not those fears had any
relation to my wishes or to my sexual experiences.
I must say that I find they bear no relation whatever
to wish or sex. My mental states grow on fear,
take their origin in fear, and feed on fear. Fear is
the seed and the soil of all those infinite individual
phobias that keep on torturing me unless opposed
by a supreme effort of my will.
“Truly the Biblical curse well applies to my life.
“‘The Lord will make thy plagues wonderful, and
the plagues of thy seed, even great plagues, and of
long continuance, and sore sickness, and of long
continuance. Moreover, he will bring upon thee all
the diseases of Egypt, which thou wast afraid of,
and they shall cleave unto thee. And every sickness
and every plague, which is not written in the book of
this law, them will the law bring upon thee, until thou
be destroyed. Thou shalt find no ease, neither shall
the sole of thy foot have rest; but the Lord shall
give thee a trembling heart, and failing of eyes, and
sorrow of mind. And thy life shall hang in doubt
before thee, and thou shalt fear day and night and
shall have none assurance of thy life. In the morning
thou shalt say, Would God it were even! and
at even thou shalt say, Would God it were morning!
for the fear of thine heart wherewith thou shalt
fear....’
“I laid bare my soul before you. I permit you
to do with this document whatever you may think
fit.”
“I was born of healthy parents; grand-parents
were also healthy. All lived to a ripe old age, and
died of natural causes. Father is still living; I was
a healthy normal child with little sickness up to the
age of 16. A few years prior I belonged to a gymnasium
and enjoyed superb physical strength and
health, though I was from childhood somewhat of a
coward. I then became associated with some youngsters
who liked night life. This association influenced
me to join them in their nightly escapades.
“Between overtaxing myself in my work and trying
to keep up with the boys socially my system was
drained. This was kept up for about five years. I
was working for a dry cleaning establishment the
owner of which did not appreciate my hard work.
I gave ten hours a day service, but he required even
more, so that I spent as many as fifteen and eighteen
hours a day, and kept that up for about five
years.
“It was in January, 1911, at the age of twenty
while sitting in a restaurant eating my lunch, I felt
a strange sensation coming over me, such as blood
rushing to my head, followed by weakness, trembling,
and fainting spells. I summoned up what will power
I had left, shook my head in effort to brace up, and
tried to finish my meal, but without success. I left
the restaurant and coming outside felt the same sensation.
I leaned against a building, and my knees
gave way from under me until I was compelled to lie
down. I made an attempt to get up, boarded a
street car, and started for my father’s store which
was about a mile down the street. As I stepped on
the platform I felt the same spell coming over me.
Some of the men standing on the back platform saw
my condition, and helped me. I arrived at the store
where I collapsed.
“An ambulance was called, and I was taken to the
city hospital. The interne diagnosed the case as
acute indigestion. He prescribed some soda tablets,
and told me to be careful with my diet. I felt relieved
at what he told me, because I thought it was
not so serious as I had expected. For I thought the
end was near. My brother who accompanied me
spoke kind and encouraging words which soothed
my nerves.
“On the street car my thoughts started to go over
the whole of what had occurred. I could not control
myself and gave way again. When I got home
I could not eat. I lay down and tried to get some
sleep, but sleep was out of the question. My
thoughts always wandered back to these spells, and
that would bring back another spell. I took the
tablets prescribed by the physician, but they did not
help me any.
“The next day I tried to go to work, but could
not on account of these spells. I then decided to call
our family physician. He told me it was a nervous
breakdown, and prescribed bromides. I kept on having
these spells in spite of the bromides. I was at a
loss what to do. From then on I became afraid to
venture anywhere, to go to any place, for fear of
these spells. My real trouble began. I was afraid
to live, and afraid to die, afraid to go out, afraid
to lie down, always afraid of these spells.
“I remained at home for a couple of weeks, but the
spells continued. I then decided to try another doctor.
This time a stomach specialist, and as might
be expected he claimed my stomach was the cause of
my disturbances. The news was gratifying to me.
I knew that stomach troubles could be cured, and
the thought helped to quiet some of the fears. I
went back to work after a few weeks. The belief in
the efficacy of the drug enabled me to get down town
to work, but I kept on having spells, losing weight,
and feeling miserable.
“I decided to try another physician. This time a
nerve specialist. After examination he diagnosed
the case as nervous prostration. He gave me what
he called a good nerve tonic. In addition to it he
used to stripe my back with red hot instruments. I
was under this doctor’s care for about a year. I
kept on going to work whenever I could, but the
spells continued right along, at home in the night, or
at work in the daytime. After a year of treatment
I felt no better.
“I decided to try another nerve specialist,—his
diagnosis was depletion of the nerves. He advised
me to come in a couple of times a week for electric
treatment. I followed instructions for a couple of
months, but the spells continued just the same.
“One April day there was an electric storm. The
lightning caused in me a great dread and fear. The
wind broke some of the windows in our house. I
had then the worst spell. I lost consciousness.
When I awoke I was worse than ever. I was just
choked up with tear of everything and everybody.
“I found I could no longer live in C., for the last
bit of life was ebbing right out of me. I started on
the train for Los Angeles. No one can realize the
suffering I had to endure on my trip out West.
“Everybody on the train talked about accidents,
wrecks, and robberies. After arriving in Los Angeles
I felt somewhat relieved, but the spells kept on
just the same. I consulted a great nerve specialist
in Los Angeles. He claimed I had neurasthenia, and
that I was much run down. His method of therapy
was different from the rest. He suggested renting
a cottage along the ocean front, and he would furnish
a trainer whose wife was to take care of the cottage.
The trainer was supposed to have some knowledge
of physical culture and massage. After being
in this camp for three months I saw no improvement
in my condition.
“I went to another doctor who employed a different method.
He would inject pig serum into my
arm three times a week. After a thorough trial I
found no relief.
“I then decided to try Christian Science for a
while, but I had no relief from all my woe and misery.
(When asked why he went to Christian Science while
he was of Jewish faith, he replied that he was in
such a state of fear that had he been ordered to be
a cockroach he would have tried to become one).
“I tried another nerve doctor. After a while
it was the same old story. I then tried chiropractice.
After three months’ trial I found out that I
had to give it up, because the manipulator aggravated
my condition. Towards the end I felt such
pains in my back and spine that I was compelled to
lie in bed for a week before I could recover enough
strength to sit up. I then tried Osteopathy. I felt
no better, so I had to abandon that.
“In search for health I could not stop here, so I
went to another nerve specialist who after examination
claimed to have discovered something different
from any other physician. He discovered I had a
pair of tonsils in my mouth which did not look well to
him. He ordered them removed; that meant an operation
under an anesthetic. Can you imagine my
feeling when he told me the news? I had a terrible
time in making up my mind what to do. Bad as I
felt I made up my mind that I might as well die
under ether as in any other way. I consented to the
operation. It is needless to go into details here of
what took place after the operation. Words cannot
express it. All the tortures of hell would have been
paradise towards what I went through after this
operation.
“I have been going since from physician to physician,
each one claiming that I haven’t been to the
right one, and that he was the proper physician who
understood my case and could cure me. No one has
been able to effect a cure.”
As an example of the patient’s state of extreme
fear the following instance may be given. One day
he came to me, a picture of misery and depression.
He told me he had suffered agonies for the last
couple of days, on account of an “ingrowing hair.”
It turned out that the patient overheard a conversation
among his gossips, that some one died of an
“ingrowing hair.” This news strongly impressed
him, and aroused his fear instinct, since he discovered
an “ingrowing hair” on his throat. I found his
throat was wrapped around with cotton, and covered
with adhesive plaster. On unwrapping the mess I
found just an ordinary little pimple. I threw away
the wrappings, and gave the patient a scolding, and
ridiculed him for his silliness. He felt as he said in
“paradise.” A competent observer will find this
trait of trivial fears, characteristic, in various degrees,
of every psychopathic patient.
By a series of trance states the patient was freed
from his psycholeptic fear attacks; he is now in good
health, and attending successfully to his business.