At a recent interview with one Jeremiah Stebbins, he freed
his mind in the following choice language:
"Everybody I've saw lately has ben a-winking and a-smirking,
and a-laughing, and a-saying, 'How de dew, Jerry? how's
the hoss trade?' and sich like, and I've got tired on't; and I'm
a going to tell the hull story to you newspaper fellers, and let
you print it and done with it.
"You see, the way on't was this. I live up in Bucks
County, Pennsylvania, and once in a while I takes a trip
down to Philadelphia to see the sights, do some dickering,
buy some store things, and so on.
"I've al'ays considered myself pooty cute, and have gi'n
lots o' advice to them that's around me, telling 'em about the
city, and its big shows, and its cheating scamps, and what to
do when they goes there, and how not to get took in, and
all sich; and I 'spect it's jest because I've done all this ere
that the laugh comes in agin me pooty rough-like.
"You see there's a feller living right nigh me, named Jim
Smithers, who's been down to Philadelphia four times, and
every time so'thing's happened to him in the way o' getting
fooled by some o' them confounded scamps what don't 'pear
to do nothing for a living but lay around, like nasty spiders,
watching for flies, to ketch some o' us country chaps by some
dirty trick or other, and git hold o' some o' our hard-earned
dollars to loaf around on. I ain't afeared to speak my mind
about 'em, and I don't keer a goll darn if you print it, nuther,
and let 'em know that I think they're just about as mean as
mean kin be.
"Waal, about Jim Smithers. He's pooty green yit; but the
first time he went down to the big city he was as raw as a
new cabbage, and he got took in fifteen dollars' worth on
what you newspaper fellers calls the drap game.
"In course you know all about that ere. A feller comes up
behind the country chap, and, all unbeknown to him, drops
a pocketbook, picks it up, and tells him it's hisn. But it ain't,
you know, and the country feller says so. Then the city
scamp opens it a lettle, and it 'pears to be stuffed full o'
bank bills; and he says it's a pity that some honest man has
got to lose it, 'cause he hisself's a stranger in town, and is
jest a-going out ag'in, and he can't stop to advertise it, and
git the big reward that's sartin to be offered for it; but if
the country feller's a mind to take it, give him fifteen or
twenty dollars or so, he'll let him have his chance, and so on.
"Waal, Jim Smithers was ketched in this way, and he gin
the other feller fifteen dollars—nigh all the money he had—and
when he went to put so'thing into the Public Ledger
about it, and handed over one o' the bills to pay for 't, the
grinning clerk told him as how he'd ben 'sold,' and the money
wa'n't wo'th as much as white paper. Wa'n't Jim mad, then?
and didn't us fellers plague him peskily about it arter he got
home?
"Waal, the next time Jim went to the city he got ketched in
some keerd trick, and lost a twenty-dollar bill afore he
knowed it. The third time he spent five dollars, a-buying
prize packages that didn't have no prizes in 'em 'cept brass
rings; and the last time some scamp ketched him ag'in on a
hoss affair.
"'Jim Smithers,' says I, arter he'd told me all about it,
'if I's you I wouldn't go down to Philadelphia ag'in alone—I
swon I wouldn't. Jest as like as not some critter, a-running
loose in the streets, will take you fer a green pumpkin, and
eat you all right up, so's you won't never git back to your
mar any more,' says I.
"'Oh, you think your darn smart, Jerry Stebbins, don't
ye?' says Jim back ag'in. 'Jest you look out that you don't
git ketched some day your own self.'
"'They've all tried me, and found me too smart for 'em,'
says I.
"'We'll see in the end,' says Jim.
"'Bout a week or so arter that, I went down ag'in to
Philadelphia. I had some arrants to do for some o' my
neighbors; and I'd a notion to tend a auction sale of hosses,
and if I could see any going right cheap, I thought mebbe I
might buy one on a spec—for, though I says it myself, I'm
pooty cute in a hoss trade, and have made a good many dollars
afore now in fatting up some old critter and then swapping
him off and gitting boot.
"Waal, I went to town, and, arter gitting through with my
other business, I started right over to the bazaar, where they
sells hosses—for I'd been there afore and knowed exactly
where it was.
"Jest as I was a-going in, I met a dressy-looking chap
a-coming out; and he says to me, says he:
"'Mister, kin you tell me where I kin buy a right good
hoss pooty cheap?'
"'I couldn't, less it's in here,' says I 'for that's jest what
I wants to do myself.'
"'Waal, I shan't buy in this here cheating place,' says he,
'for I done that once afore, and paid a hundred dollars for a
critter that I arterward had to sell for thirty-five; and right
glad I was to git that much, and only lose sixty-five on the
trade. If I's you I wouldn't risk no money in here.'
"'I knows a hoss when I sees him,' says I, pooty proud,
feeling my oats, 'and if anybody makes anything off o' Jerry
Stebbins in a hoss trade, I hope they'll let me know.'
"'S'pose you could pick out a good nice critter for me, Mr.
Stebbins, and not get cheated in the price?' says he.
"'I s'pose I could if I'd try,' says I.
"'And would five dollars make you try?' says he.
"'I guess it would,' says I.
"'Wal, then,' says he, 'I'll give you a five-dollar bill to do
it,' says he.
"He rammed his hand into his pocket to git the money;
but afore he'd drawed it out, a slick-looking feller comes
riding up on hossback, and says to my chap, says he:
"'Do you know anybody what wants to buy a right good
hoss dirt cheap?'
"'I dew,' says my man.
"'How high be you willing to go?' says the hossback chap.
"'I don't keer a darn, so's the critter's wo'th the money,'
says t'other, and he gin me a sly wink.
"'Then I'll take you to a place where I know you'll be
suited,' says the hossback chap.
"'Fur from here?' axes t'other.
"'Not more'n a mile at the outside,' says him on the hoss.
"'Will you jest go along, 'arn the five, and see that I ain't
cheated?' says the foot feller to me, in a tone so low that
t'other couldn't hear.
"I said I would; and then my man axed the man on the
hoss for his keerd, which he gin him and rid away.
"While we was a-going to the place, my feller told me that
his name was John Jenkins; that he'd got as much money
as he keerd about having, and if he could only git a hoss to
suit him, and not pay more for't than 'twas wo'th, he'd be
mighty pleased.
"''Tain't 'cause I ker a darn for the money, Mr. Stebbins,'
says he to me, confiding-like; 'but it's 'cause I knows as how
all these racehoss-jockey fellers takes a pride in gitting the
best of everybody they deals with, and I hates to be beat in
that are way. Now I sees by your eyes, Mr. Stebbins, that
you ain't a chap to be took in in a hoss trade, and I wants
you to use 'em for me; and if things comes out all right, I
won't stop to put another ten or twenty a-top of the five, you
know.'
"'I'll do my best, Mr. Jenkins,' says I; 'and I guess you'll
find my best right up to the handle.'
"When we got to the place we seen a stable, in a little,
back, dirty street, and in it was two men and three hosses.
"Two of these 'ere hosses wan't o' no great account, but
t'other one was a pooty slick smart-looking critter.
"'How much for this 'ere one?' says Mr. Jenkins, putting
his hand onto the beast.
"Waal, really,' says the dealer, 'we don't keer about selling
that are critter.'
"'I was recommended to come here for a place where I
could buy a good hoss cheap,' says Mr. Jenkins.
"'We really hain't got nothing to sell 'cept the other two
critters,' says the jockey. 'We'll sell you them cheap.'
"'I don't want 'em,' says Jenkins, 'but only this 'ere one.
Hey, Stebbins! what d'you say?' he says, speaking to me.
"'Waal, the critter you've picked out is pooty likely,' says
I, 'but I don't think much of t'others.'
"He called me out one side, and axed me what the best
hoss was really wo'th.
"'A good hundred and twenty-five,' says I.
"'How about a hundred and fifty?' says he.
"'I wouldn't go a mite over a hundred and forty,' says I.
"'I'll have him, though, at some price, for I've sot my mind
on't,' says he, in a determined way.
"Then he went back to the jockey, and offered him a hundred
dollars for that critter.
"The jockey chap laughed right in his face at fust, and
then he 'peared to get mad, and said, says he:
"'You're either a dealer yourself, or else you wants to
insult me; and no matter which it are, I ain't a-going to trade
with you at no price.'
"'I'll give you a hundred and twenty-five,' says Jenkins.
"'Pshaw!' says jockey.
"'A hundred and fifty,' says Jenkins.
"'No,' says t'other.
"'A hundred and seventy-five, then.'
"'No.'
"'I'll give you two hundred.'
"'You can't buy him at no price,' says the hoss dealer,
looking awful mad.
"'Then let us go to a more decenter place, Mr. Stebbins,'
says Jenkins to me.
"We started off together, and as soon as we'd got out of
sight of the stable, Jenkins says to me, says he:
"'Friend Stebbins, I wants that are hoss right bad, 'cause
he's jest the critter to suit me. I wonder if you couldn't buy
him for me?'
"'I don't 'spect I could,' says I, 'for the feller that owns
him has got his Dutch up, and won't sell him to neither of
us.'
"'Would you mind going back by yourself and trying?' says
he.
"'To obleege you I'll dew it,' says I. 'But the hoss ain't
wo'th what you offered, and nothink like it.'
"'I don't keer for that, Mr. Stebbins,' says he; 'it a'nt making
a spec' I'm arter; I wants the hoss for hisself, 'cause
I've sot my mind on't, and money ain't no object with me.
I'll tell ye what I'll dew. If you'll buy that are hoss and fetch
him round to my stable, I'll jest plank down two hundred and
fifty dollars cash for him, and you may make what profit you
kin. I don't keer what you give for him, but I'll give you
two hundred and fifty dollars jest the minute he reaches my
stable, and I'll go right down there now and wait for you.'
"I told him I'd try my luck, and he writ down the direction
for me to come to.
"Waal, I went back and found the two hoss fellers talking
with the chap that had fust told us about the place.
"The minute this chap seen me, he come for'ard and said
he was right down sorry that his pardners had got mad at
my friend—and if he'd been there it wouldn't have turned
out so—though it was a insult for him to offer only a hundred
dollars for a hoss like that are, which nobody could find
his match nowhere for a cent less than three hundred dollars
in gold.
"'Tell you what 'tis, mister,' he says, 'I know your friend,
John Jenkins—though he don't recollect me—and I know he's
mighty rich, and a right down good customer where he likes
to deal, and I hate like fury that he went away disapp'inted.
Now if you'll find him, and fetch him back, and git him to
trade with us, I'll give you a five-dollar bill.'
"I thought I'd got a good chance for a spec, so I says,
says I:
"'I don't think I could git him back; but if you folks here
wants to sell that are hoss, and will take what he's wo'th, I
don't mind buying him for my own self.'
"'You kin have him for two hundred and twenty-five dollars,
and not a cent short,' says he.
"'That's more'n I'd give my old daddy for him,' says I.
"Then we began to talk, and palaver, and hile, and at last
I got him down to two hundred and ten, and him to give in
a old saddle and bridle, so's I could ride him off.
"Waal, I paid down the money, and then rode off for
Jenkins' stable feeling pooty proud and happy that I'd
made a clean forty dollars by my barg'in.
"But, somehow or other, I couldn't find Jenkins' stable,
nor Jenkins nuther, and I hain't found 'em since.
"To git right down to the gist on't, I'd been awfully fooled,
and tricked into paying two hundred and ten dollars for a
hoss that I didn't want myself, and that I's glad to git rid on,
arterwards for one hundred and five, jest one-half the critter
cost me.
"Waal, mister, that's the story that all the folks round my
way is a-grinning and a-snickering over, and I s'pose I've got
to grin and bear it till the hull darned thing dies out and be
darned to it.
"It's l'arned me for one thing, that them slick-looking,
slick-talking city fellers kin lie and cheat like thunder; and
for another thing, that it don't dew for a country chap to
butt his brains ag'in them city scamps and al'ays 'spect to git
the best on't."