Nicodemus Squab, Professor of Orthography in the Jimtown
district school, was a man of an inquiring turn of mind.
Overhearing some of the scholars discussing a prospective
coon hunt that was to come off the following Saturday night,
the professor drew near and inquired if they would allow
him to join them.
"Of course you kin jine us," said Mose Howard, who was
the ringleader in all the devilment in the neighborhood.
"Glad tu have you go 'long. We'll come by for you."
"Thank you," said the professor. "I never was coon hunting
in my life, though I've always wanted to go—just to see
how it is done, you know."
According to promise, Mose Howard, Dick Miller, and
Joe Smiley came by for the professor, who was ready and
waiting, and who joined the hunters, anticipating a jolly old
time.
After winding up the coon hunt, which resulted in the capture
of five possums and three coons, Mose Howard proposed
that they should go back by the fish trap and catch a
mess of fish.
The proposition was unanimously agreed to, and they
struck off down the creek, the professor bringing up the rear,
puffing and blowing, though highly elated at the variation
that this additional act in the programme promised, as well
as at the prospect of a successful raid upon the finny tribe.
The "Dofuny" contraption that Mose dignified with the
name of fish trap consisted merely of a large sack held open
by a hoop, around which the mouth of the sack was fastened,
and a couple of ropes, one end of which was fastened
to each side of the hoop, while the other ends were fastened
to trees on the opposite sides of the stream, in such a way
as to allow the hoop to remain about halfway submerged.
On the bank of the creek was a lantern, in which was
about half a tallow candle.
Producing some matches, Mose lit the candle and proceeded
to explain to the professor the modus operandi of
catching fish with his new-fangled trap.
"You just take the lamp, and wade into the trap, and hold
the lamp right in front of the mouth so that the fish can see
how to run in, and we boys'll go away down the creek and
pull off our clothes and wade into the creek and drive the
fish up and into the trap."
The professor, as unsuspicious of any trick as a sucking
baby, shucked himself, and then taking up the lantern, waded
into the trap that the boys set for him instead of for fish, and
in the construction of which they had not only exhausted
their financial resources in the purchase of the material out
of which it was constructed, but also their ingenuity in the
getting up and fabrication of the same.
"Ugh!" grunted the professor, as he reached the trap and
placed the lantern in the position indicated, "this water is
cold as ice. I want you boys to make haste."
"Yes, sir," responded the boys.
"You'll hear us hollerin' as we come," said Mose, and off
they started down the creek in a trot.
"All right," said the professor.
As soon as they got out of sight their gait slackened to a
walk, which they kept till they reached a point some four
hundred yards distant from the trap, when, seating themselves
on a log, they began the most uproarious din of yelling
and howling that had ever awakened the slumbering echoes
of those old woods since the aborigines had vacated the
premises.
After about an hour spent in this way the boys got up and
advanced slowly up the bank of the stream about a hundred
yards, when they seated themselves on another log, where
they continued to whoop and yell like so many wild Indians.
After another hour thus spent they made another advance
which brought the professor and the fish trap within their
range of vision, though, owing to the darkness, they were
not visible to him.
"Hurry up, boys!" he shouted. "I'm nearly froze, and
the candle's nearly out."
That was what they were waiting for—the candle to burn
out—so that their failure to catch fish could be laid to the
absence of the light.
"Yes, sir!" they shouted back; "we're hurrying as fast
as we can!"
And renewing their yells, they advanced slowly—very
slowly—up the stream.
"Hurry up! hurry up!" again shouted the professor. "The
candle will be out in two minutes."
"Ay, ay, sir!" shouted Mose back; "but you must stop
hollerin', or you'll skeer the fish."
Sure enough, in about two minutes the candle gave a last
convulsive flicker, and in the twinkling of an eye thick darkness
reigned as absolutely over the professor and the fish trap
as elsewhere.
"Boys," said Mose, in a tone of voice loud enough for the
professor to hear him, "there ain't no use wadin' in this
water any longer; let's go back an' git our cloze."
Seating themselves on a log, they sat perfectly silent for a
while—long enough, as they thought, for it to have taken
them to go back to where they commenced their drive, dress
themselves, and reach that point on their return—when they
got up and resumed their progress upstream.
On reaching the trap, they found the professor on shore,
and though he had completed his toilet, his teeth were chattering
together worse than a pair of castanets rattling off a
quickstep march.
"We'll have to try it over ag'in some other time," said
Mose, "and fetch more candles with us. I thought we had
plenty this time, but we didn't. I guess I'll bring enough
next time."
"Why didn't you fellows hurry up?" said the professor.
"What made you come so slow?" the chattering of his teeth
as he spoke causing him to cut the words into more than the
legitimate number of syllables to which they were entitled.
"Couldn't come no faster," said Mose. "The water was
so thunderin' cold the fish wouldn't drive fast."
Satisfied with this explanation, the professor fell into
ranks as the boys filed off in the direction of home. The
exercise of walking soon brought a reaction in his system,
the first effect of which was to put a stop to the music of the
castanets, and on reaching home he pronounced himself all
right again.
Sometime during the ensuing week Mose Howard informed
the professor that they were going to try the fish trap
again the following Saturday night, and asked him if he
didn't want to go along.
The professor gave an involuntary shudder as the recollection
of that protracted soaking in ice water of the previous
Saturday night flashed across his mind.
Discretion prompted him to give a negative response.
Curiosity, however, got the better of discretion, and he accepted
the invitation.
"I'll be on hand," said he. "There's no fun standing in
that cold water, especially when you get no fish; but if you
can stand it I guess I can."
At the appointed time the boys came by, when, the professor
joining them, they proceeded to the fish trap.
On arriving there, Mose produced a couple of pieces of
candle, one of which he proceeded to light and put in the
lantern. It was nearly twice as long as the one they had
burned out on the previous occasion.
The other piece he placed in the lantern, so that it could
be easily got at if it should be needed.
This latter piece Mose had had manufactured himself
especially for the occasion, and had taken some little pains
in its construction.
After soaking the wick in water until it was perfectly
saturated, he had taken a skillet and melted some tallow
therein; then placing the wick in a mould, he filled the latter
with the melted tallow, and the thing was accomplished.
This particular candle he had carefully marked, so as to
be able to distinguish it from any other candle.
Before completing their arrangements at the fish trap, preparatory
to beginning the drive, the professor proposed that
one of the boys should take his place at the trap while he
accompanied the others and assisted in driving the fish.
"Kin you swim?" asked Mose Howard.
"No," answered the professor.
"Well, you'd run the resk ov gittin' drownded, then," said
Mose.
"You go on, then," said the professor, "and I'll mind the
trap."
So off the boys started, and going down the stream about a
mile, seated themselves upon a log, and began yelling and
whooping, as on the previous occasion.
Hour after hour passed, each hour seeming to the benumbed
professor an age.
The yelling approached slowly but surely.
The boys had now arrived at a point where every motion
of the professor was distinctly visible.
The piece of candle Mose had lighted and put in the lantern
was nearly burned out. Taking up the other piece, the
professor proceeded to light it. Placing it in the lantern, it
gave a splutter and went out. Dark! Dark was no name for
it. No moon, no stars, no matches.
But that bogus candle would have been a match for a
whole box of matches.
"What in thunder's the matter now?" shouted Mose.
"The candle's gone out," shouted the professor back.
"Have you got any matches?" he inquired.
"Nary match," said Mose.
"What's to be done?" inquired the professor.
"Nuthin'," said Mose. "The thing's played out. Put on
your cloze, while we go and git ourn, and then we'll git for
home."
Seating themselves on a log, the boys remained quiet for
a while, then rising to their feet, they came up to where the
professor was waltzing around trying to get up a circulation.
"Another waterhaul," said Mose.
"Looks a good deal like it," said the professor.
"Don't know why the mischief some of us didn't think tu
bring some matches," said Mose.
"I don't know, either," responded the professor, in a deprecating
tone of voice, as though he entertained the idea that
somehow or other he had been mainly instrumental in producing
the bad luck.
"Better luck next time," said Mose philosophically, as he
struck out for home, followed by the others.
They had proceeded about two-thirds of the way home,
groping their way as best they could through the thick darkness,
when a shrill, prolonged scream directly ahead of them,
and apparently at no great distance, broke upon their startled
auriculars.
"Painter!" ejaculated Mose, in a low tone of voice, though
sufficiently loud to be distinctly audible to the professor, at
the same time springing to one side, and the next moment he
was out of the professor's hearing.
The fact was he had only taken a couple of steps and then
squatted in the grass as completely concealed from his companions
by the intense darkness as though he had been on
the opposite side of the globe.
"Painter!" repeated the other boys, following Mose's example,
of springing to one side and squatting in the grass.
Left alone, the professor, with hair on end, paused a moment
to collect his scattered thoughts; but only for a moment.
Another scream long drawn out, and apparently but a few
yards distant, set his dumpling-shaped body in motion, and
the next moment he was streaking it across the country as
fast as his duck legs could carry him.
Tumbling over a log lying on the edge of a bank some
twenty feet high and nearly perpendicular, down which he
rolled, he landed in a mud hole at the bottom.
Gathering himself up he began looking for his hat, which
had parted company with him on the way down the bank,
when, another scream breaking upon his ear, he struck out
once more on his race for life, hatless and covered with mud
from his head to his heels.
Coming to a brier patch, he was on the point of diverging
from his course in order to try and go around it, when another
scream precipitated the terror-stricken professor into
the patch like a catapult.
Emerging from the brier patch with his coat tails torn
into ribbons, the mud-begrimed professor held on the even
tenor of his way without any diminution of speed for a hundred
yards or so, when his pace began to slacken a little.
Another scream, however, put him to his mettle again, but
as that was the last, and as he was about exhausted, he soon
settled down to a walk, and presently stumbling over a log,
he picked himself up and seated himself thereon.
After resting a while, plunged in the meantime in a deep
cogitation, he finally concluded to try and seek a shelter for
the remainder of the night. So, starting forward, he wandered
about first in one direction and then in another, and it
was not until daylight began to streak the eastern horizon
that he stumbled on a clearing in the woods, in the midst of
which was a log cabin.
Cautiously approaching the cabin, he had reached the foot
of a sapling some fifty steps from the door when a big dog
came dashing around the corner of the house, barking in a
most furious manner.
No sooner did the professor catch sight of the dog bouncing
along in the direction of him and the sapling than he was
seized with such a sudden panic as to cause him to grasp the
sapling in his arms and start up it, though, owing to want of
practice, with hardly the agility of a squirrel. After a tremendous
effort he succeeded in reaching a fork some ten feet
from the ground, where he seated himself, and awaited the
issue of events.
He didn't have long to wait. The furious barking of the
dog soon roused the inmates of the cabin.
Scarcely a minute had elapsed after the professor had
succeeded, by the most superhuman exertions, in seating himself
comfortably in the fork of the sapling, out of the reach
of the dog, when the door of the cabin opened and a huge
six-footer of a backwoodsman, somewhat airily attired, with
a rifle of corresponding size with himself in his hand,
emerged therefrom.
"What you got thar, Bull?" said the man, as he approached
the sapling, at the root of which the dog was barking in a
most vociferous manner. "What is it, old feller?" he continued.
"B'ar, painter, ur catamount?"
Bull's response was an abortive attempt to climb the tree,
accompanied by a most furious outburst of barking.
"Be quiet, old feller," said the man; "we'll soon see what
it is," at the same time raising his rifle to his shoulder.
"Hold on there," shouted the professor, who was beginning
to realize the perilous position in which he was placed,
and the imminent danger he was in of being shot for a bear
or catamount. "I am no varmint. I'm Nicodemus Squab,
Professor of Orthography in the Jimtown district school."
"Hallo," said the backwoodsman, as he lowered his rifle,
"is that so? Well, that gits me. What in thunder ur you
doin' up thar?"
"Wait till I get down, and I'll tell you."
And crawling out of the crotch in which he had been
seated, the professor slid down the sapling, when he soon
succeeded in explaining matters to the satisfaction of that
thinly clad backwoodsman and his savage bulldog.
It was now broad daylight, and when he reached Jimtown
the sun was some distance above the horizon, climbing upward
toward the zenith.
Of course every man, woman, and child in the place beheld,
with wonder-depicted countenances, the advent of the
mud-begrimed, hatless professor, and a thousand conjectures
were indulged in as to the cause of his singular appearance.
The professor was disposed to be reticent on the subject,
answering interrogatories in relation to the matter evasively;
but the joke was too good to be kept, and in less than
twenty-four hours his approach toward any crowd was
greeted by a broad grin overspreading the countenances of a
majority of the members thereof, and his departure signalized
by a long guffaw.
This conduct on the part of the citizens annoyed the professor
considerably at first; then it grew monotonous, and he
became disgusted.
Finally he burst into a flame of indignation, and after taking
his revenge out of the hides of the pupils, especially Mose
Howard and his confederates, the irate professor shook the
dust of Jimtown off his feet, and betook himself to parts
unknown.