January 20, 1861. I have run over the birth-histories
of the nations of Europe, in their chaotic
rise from barbarism; and have just completed a
bird’s-eye view of Italian mediæval history, with
Koeppen’s aid. The present history of Italy interests
me greatly, and I would like to be able to link
the present with the past. But what a debatable
ground it has always been, and how unsparingly it
has always been made mince-meat of, by all in
authority there!
But all that history has revealed shows no more
important epoch than the one in which we are living
at this moment, in our unsettled and discordant
Union. I hope it will come out plain and positive,
as a question of right or wrong for every man to
decide. It is so already, yet all will not see. So
I hope that the demon of slavery, that “mystery
of iniquity,” will make his evil way evident, that
we may return to no vile compact with sin.
February 28. The bluebirds have come! and
the meadow-lark has sung over in the fields behind
the garden, these two or three mornings. I have
dreamed of spring these many nights, and now it
is coming—coming!
What a blessing dreams are! I have heard
birds sing, in bluer skies than May could show;
doves have alighted on my head; violets, such as
cannot be matched in any meadows for perfect tints
and fragrance, have blossomed at my feet; have
wept for joy at the sublime beauty of Alps grander
than any real Alps,—which I would yet fain see,
though I shall not, with these eyes,—all this in
my winter dreams. Through dreams, we must
always believe in a deeper and more perfect beauty
than we know. The world is lovely, but there is a
lovelier, else we could not see what we do in sleep.
The glory of living is that life is glorious beyond
all our possible imaginations,—the eternal life,—the
“glory that shall be revealed” in us.
March 2. What does cause depression of spirits?
Heavy head and heavy heart, and no sufficient reason
for either, that I know of. I am out of doors
every day, and have nothing unusual to trouble me;
yet every interval of thought is clouded; there is no
rebound, no rejoicing as it is my nature to rejoice,
and as all things teach me to do. We are strange
phenomena to ourselves, when we will stop to gaze
at ourselves; but that I do not believe in; there
are pleasanter subjects, and self is a mere speck on
the great horizon of life.
A new volume of poems by T. B. Aldrich, just
read, impresses me especially with its daintiness
and studied beauty. There are true flashes of
poetry, but most carefully trimmed and subdued,
so as to shine artistically. I believe the best poetry
of our times is growing too artistic; the study is
too visible. If freedom and naturalness are lost out
of poetry, everything worth having is lost.
March 3. Eternal life and eternal death; what
do these words mean? This is the question that
comes up again and again. It has recently been
brought up by those whom I am appointed to
instruct; and the question with its answer, brings
new and fearful responsibility with every return.
I am more and more convinced that the idea
of duration is not the one that affects us most:
for here it has proved that those who are least
careful about what they are in heart and life, are
trying hardest to convince themselves and others
that the “doctrine of eternal punishment” is not
true. By making themselves believe that to be
the all-important question, they draw off their own
and others’ attention from the really momentous
one,—“Am I living the eternal life? Is it begun
in me now?”
And now I see why I have questioned whether
it was right in me to express my own doubts of this
very doctrine. The final renovation of all souls,
their restoration to life in holiness and love, is certainly
a hope of mine that is not without a strong
infusion of confidence; but I dare not say it is a
belief; because both reason and revelation have
left it in deep mystery; and the expression of any
such belief does not seem to me likely to help
others much; certainly not those who are indolent
or indifferent regarding the true Christian life.
Then the “loss of the soul” is in plain language
spoken of by our Lord as possible. What can
that mean, but the loss of life in Him? the loss of
ennobling aspirations, of the love of all good, of
the power of seeing and seeking truth? And if
this is possible to us now, by our own choice, why
not forever?—since, as free beings, our choice
must always be in our own power?
The truth that we must all keep before us, in
order to be growing better forever, is that life
is love and holiness; death, selfishness and sin;
then it is a question of life and death to be grappled
with in the deep places of every soul.
March 5. I cannot let this birthday pass without
a memorial of its sun’s rising and setting on
flower-gifts from these my girl-friends: a wreath
hung on my door in the morning, and a bouquet
left in my room at night. It brings spring to my
spirit earlier than I expected; pleasant it is to
receive any token of love; and gifts like these
come so seldom, that when they do come, I am sure
they mean love. And with them comes the assurance
of a deeper summer-warmth,—the arousing
of all high and holy feelings in the deep places of
the soul yet winter-sealed. “My shriveled heart”
shall yet “recover greenness.” I could not feel
this “deadly cold” that sometimes pierces me, if
incapable of warmth. It may not be in an earthly
clime that my nature shall blossom out freely and
fully into heavenly light; but the time will come.
Yesterday was the inauguration: we have a
President, a country: and we are “the Union”
still, and shall so remain, our President thinks.
But I doubt whether the pride of slavery will ever
bow to simple freedom, as it must, if the self-constituted
aliens return. There is a strange new
chapter in the world’s history unfolding to-day;
we have not half read it yet.
Sabbath, April 14, 1861. This day broke upon
our country in gloom; for the sounds of war came
up to us from the South,—war between brethren;
civil war; well may “all faces gather blackness.”
And yet the gloom we feel ought to be the result
of sorrow for the erring, for the violators of national
unity, for those who are in black rebellion
against truth, freedom, and peace. The rebels
have struck the first blow, and what ruin they are
pulling down on their heads may be guessed,
though not yet fully foretold; but it is plain to see
that a dark prospect is before them, since they have
no high principle at the heart of their cause.
It will be no pleasure to any American to remember
that he lived in this revolution, when brother
lifted his hand against brother; and the fear is,
that we shall forget that we are brethren still,
though some are so unreasonable and wander so
far from the true principles of national prosperity.
Though the clouds of this morning have cleared
away into brightness, it seems as if we could feel
the thunder of those deadly echoes passing to and
from Fort Sumter. But there is a right, and God
always defends it. War is not according to His
wish; though it seems one of the permitted evils
yet. He will scatter those who delight in it, and
it is not too much to hope and expect that He will
uphold the government which has so long been
trying to avert bloodshed.
Another unpleasant association with this day.
I went to the meeting expecting and needing spiritual
food, and received only burning coals and ashes.
There was a sermon (not by our minister, I am
glad to say) to prove that Satan will be tormented
forever and ever; and the stress of the argument
was to prove the endlessness of his punishment.
The text was taken from the twentieth of Revelation,
a chapter which few have the audacity to
explain; but the object was to show that “eternal,”
in its highest sense, is not so plainly taught in the
Bible, as “eternal” in its lowest sense, that of
duration. Truly, “The wisdom of men is foolishness
with God!”—the deep and sacred truth of
eternal life lies hidden yet in the words of Christ,
for him who will understand. It seems to me
wrong to preach a theoretical sermon like this to
those who are hungering for the bread of life; who
are longing to come nearer to the Saviour, and
receive His spirit. I think none but a young minister
would have preached so; certainly, a warm-hearted
Christian could not have treated the subject
in that cold argumentative way. As it was, I could
only pity one who could so misinterpret his Master’s
words; he must be yet on the outer threshold of
the heart of Christ, if so near as that, and not,
like the Beloved John, leaning on His bosom. And
I grieved for the “hungry sheep,” who looked up
and were not fed. But if such sermons drive all
hearers to the word itself, refusing human interpretations,
they may do good. Alas! We grope
in darkness yet! Man is blinded to God’s deep
meaning everywhere, in thought and in life, in religion
and in government. The dark ages are not
wholly past; nor will they be, until all fetters of
thought and limb are broken.
Yet, through all, the birds are singing with the
joy of sunshine after April rain; and earth is beautiful
and bright, beneath the promises of spring,—written
on soft skies and sweet west winds. The
good God sits yet upon His throne of love!
April 21. The conflict is deepening; but thanks
to God, there is no wavering, no division, now, at
the North! All are united, as one man; and from
a peaceful, unwarlike people, we are transformed
into an army, ready for the battle at a moment’s
warning.
The few days I have passed in Boston this week
are the only days in which I ever carried my heart
into a crowd, or hung around a company of soldiers
with anything like pleasure. But I felt a soldier-spirit
rising within me, when I saw the men of my
native town armed and going to risk their lives for
their country’s sake; and the dear old flag of our
Union is a thousand times more dear than ever
before. The streets of Boston were almost canopied
with the stars and stripes, and the merchants
festooned their shops with the richest goods of the
national colors.
And now there are rumors of mobs attacking
our troops, of bridges burnt, and arsenals exploded,
and many lives lost. The floodgates of war are
opened, and when the tide of blood will cease none
can tell.
May 6. Through the dark and lurid atmosphere
of war the light of “Nature’s own exceeding peace”
still softly falls on the earth. The violets have
opened their blue eyes by the roadside; the saxifrage
fringes the ledges with white; and the arbutus,
the Pilgrim’s mayflower, blossoms on the hills
away from here; we have no hillsides for it to grow
upon, but I had some on May-day, from the hills
of Taunton. How strange the contrast between
these delicate blossoms and the flaring red flower
of war that has burst into bloom with the opening
of spring!
Every day brings something to stir the deep
places of the soul, and in the general awakening of
life and liberty it may be that every heart feels
its own peculiar sorrow and happiness more keenly.
There is a deeper life in every breath I draw; and
messages from distant friends seem more near and
touching. One day, from one of the most beloved
and honored, comes a kind word for my poor efforts
at poetry; almost a prophecy of some blessed days
of summer life among the mountains by and by,—and
a holy benediction, “God bless thee, and
keep thee!” that fell upon my heart like the first
ray of some new and unknown morning. All life
seemed green and glowing with a freshened trust.
God is, and goodness is; and true hearts are, forever!
There is nothing to doubt, even in these
dark days!
Then, the next day, a message from dear Esther
(she could not write it herself) to say that she is
dying, and wants to hear from me again. And to
think that she had been drooping all these spring
days, while I have been too full of occupation
with the stir of the times to write! But she says
my words have always been good for her, and
surely few have blessed me by life and thought as
she has. Heaven will have one bond for my
heart, closer than any yet. I am glad that she can
lie down in peace, before the horrible scenes of
bloodshed, which only a miracle can now avert,
shall be enacted.
May 9. I had set myself to reading Maury’s
“Physical Geography of the Sea,” after a long deferring;
but now that he has come out as a rank
rebel against his country, I cannot feel any interest
in his theories, ingenious as they are said to be.
Like poor, wise, fallen Bacon, his ideas may prove
something to the world, “after some years have
passed over,” but one is not fond of being taught
by traitors.
May 15. A glimpse into a heart which has always
been closed, both to God and man,—what
a chaos it discloses! Yet with all the elements of
order there, it is like the promise of a new creation.
Such a glimpse, such a half-unveiling, one has given
me to-day, out of a soul-deep, long-repressed longing
for “something to love!” Ah, that sorrowful
need of every woman’s heart, especially; yet more
joyful than sorrowful, because the longing shows the
fulfillment possible,—yes, certain. In the heavenly
life, which such aspirations prophesy, there is love
abounding, to give and to receive. And I am
thankful for one more to love.
May 20. Esther dead! Gone home two days
before I heard or dreamed of it! But since she
has gone home,—since it is only a glorious release
for her,—I will not let a thought of repining sully
the gladness I ought to share with her. It is only
that one who has always lived near the Holiest One
is now called nearer still. I have known her only
in Him, and there I know her and love her still.
May 22. They write to me of her funeral, of
the white flowers beside her head, and of her own
lilies of the valley strewn over her in the grave
by one who knew how she loved them. Everything
that would have made her happy, had her eyes been
open to see, and her ears to hear. They sang the
hymns she loved, “Rock of Ages,” and “I would
not live alway,” and “Thy will be done.” And
my dear friend is free!—her soul has blossomed
into heavenly light! I told her once that this book
was for only her to see; I do not like my thoughts
when I think them for myself alone; and there is
no other friend who would care as she cared. Will
she read them now?
May 27. This is the gala week of spring. None
of the early flowers have quite faded, and the apple-trees
are in full bloom, while elms and maples are
just wearing their lightest drapery of green, so
tardily put on. Soft breezes, sweet melody from
many birds, clear sunshine, not yet too warm,—all
things are just in that state, when, if we could
wish for a standstill in nature, we should.
And Esther has been one week in heaven! It
seems to me, sometimes, as if some new charm was
added to cloud and sunshine, and spring blossoms,
since she went away; as if it were given me to see
all things clearer for her clearer vision; she would
speak to me, if she could.
Lectures these few days on historical women.
Paula, Queen Elizabeth, and Madame de Maintenon,
thus far. Paula, the friend of St. Jerome, and
the woman whom the speaker made to illustrate
friendship, pleased me most, as presenting a higher
ideal than either of the others. Christianity gave
woman the privilege of a pure friendship with man;
before unknown, we are told. It is one of the noblest
gifts of religion, and I wish people believed in
it more thoroughly. But only a truly elevated and
chastened nature can understand real friendship,—not
a Platonic ideal only, though that is elevated,
let who will sneer at it: but a drawing of the noblest
souls together, and to the Soul of souls, for
the highest ends. This is Christian friendship;
union in Christ for all beauty, all purity, all true
and noble life, which He illustrated in His own
glorious life and death, and of which He is now
the inspiring power. “We are complete in Him.”
Yes, I am sure that it is in drawing near to Him
that I feel the loveliness of such beauty as that
into which the world now blossoms; for is not He
the Lord of nature, and also my Lord and Friend?
And through His great love for us, I see the ideal
of all true human love. “As I have loved you,”
He said, “so must we love each other, with tenderness,
forbearance, generosity, and self-sacrifice.”
Such friendship is possible, is eternal; and it is
almost the most precious thing in the soul’s inheritance.
June 12. I have been free for a few days, and
have taken a journey,—a flying tour among some
of my friends. How it quieted me, to be with my
peace-loving friends in these wild times of war!
There are some friends whose presence is encouragement
in all that is good, whom to look upon is
to grow stronger for the truth. There are homes,
too, over which saintly memories hang, making all
within and around them sacred, blending earth
with heaven by holy sympathies. How blessed I
am, to know such friends, to enter such homes as
these! Sometimes I can truly say, “My cup runneth
over!”
June 14. Still the same old weariness of study;
“weariness of the flesh.” Books are treasures, but
one may work among treasures even, digging and
delving, till there is little enjoyment in them.
And the greater pain is, that, by becoming numb
to the beautiful and true, in any form, one does
not feel its power entirely, anywhere. So I felt
this morning, which I stole from my books. I sat
on a ledge in a distant field, all around me beautiful
with June, and no sight or sound of human
care in sight. I sat there like a prisoner, whose
chains had dropped for the moment, but the
weight and pain of them lingered still. Yet I
began to feel what it is to be free, and how sweet
and soothing nature always is, before I rose to
return. I think it would not take me long to get
accustomed to freedom, and to rejoice in it with
exceeding joy.
June 23. Weary, weary, too weary to listen
patiently to the heavy Sabbath bells; far too
weary to sit in the church and listen to loud words
and loud singing. And my brain is too tired to
let my heart feel the beauty of this quiet day. I
only know that the balm and beauty of June are
around me, without realizing it much. But rest
will come soon, up among the mountains with
friends who love noise and confusion as little as I
do. I shall be at peace. A blessing will come to
us, among the hills.
July 4. Crackers all around the house at night.
Fire-crackers, torpedoes, pistols, and bell-ringing,
are enough to make one sick of one’s country, if
this is the only way of showing one’s patriotism.
I am sure, as I lay last night, nervously wide
awake, with every shot startling and paining me
as if it had really gone through my brain, I felt
more belligerently disposed toward the young patriots
than toward the Southern rebels! But if
there is no other way of nursing an interest in
free institutions among these juvenile republicans,
there’s nothing to be done but to endure the
“Fourth of July” once a year, for the general
good.
August 1. Yesterday I visited the residence
of the late Hon. Daniel Webster, at Marshfield.
There was much that was interesting to see in the
great man’s home; I think the two things that
pleased me most were the portraits of his mother,
and his black cook, or housekeeper. The latter
was a fine painting, the face so full of intelligence,
gratitude, and all good feelings; and there was an
evidence of the true sympathy and home comfort
between master and servant, if it is well to use
those words, in the picture itself, the care with
which it was painted, as well as the speaking face.
The other was simply an old-fashioned cut profile,
in black outline, and underneath it the words, “My
excellent mother—D. Webster.”
Out of doors, the wonderful old elm was the
greatest attraction, with its branches sweeping the
ground, and making an arbor and a cathedral at
once, before the threshold. Webster himself—but
it is not well to call up anything but pleasant
memories of the dead; and these do linger about
the home he loved. What the nation thinks of
him may be recorded elsewhere.
August 2. I visited Plymouth, placed my foot
on the memorable “Plymouth Rock,” of the Pilgrims
(now so enclosed and covered as to leave
scarcely space sufficient for my large foot to rest
upon), looked at Mayflower curiosities in the hall,
books, shoes, and fans of the olden time, and more
especially pewter platters, which, judging from
some ancient will I looked over in the Court
House, were the most important personal property
of the Puritans. John Alden’s well-worn Bible
was open at the date of publication, 1620, so he
had it new for his westward voyage; I wondered
whether it was the gift of some friend left behind,
or his own purchase. Miles Standish’s long rapier
was scarcely more interesting to me than the big
kettle labeled with his name, which might have
supplied the colony with dinner, judging from its
size. Some old documents relating to the Quakers
caught my attention; one especially, wherein Winthrop
demurred from signing his name to a report
of Commissioners, wherein this troublesome sect
were adjudged worthy to be put to death for their
“cursed opinions and devilish tennets,”—Winthrop
signed, leaving testimony beside his name,
that it was “as a querry, not as an act.” Coming
back to George Fox’s journal, which I had borrowed
for vacation reading, I could not but smile
at the difference a hundred or two years will make;
I can admire both Puritan and Quaker for their
sincerity, and only wish they could have understood
each other better. There is no defense for
the persecution of the “Fathers,” except the imperfection
of human nature, and there is only this
for the misguided ways into which the Quakers
were led, by mistaking their own fancies for the
“inner light.” Better death on both sides (for
what each held to be truth) than indifference to
truth. And, stepping among the bones of the Pilgrims,
on Burying Hill, and looking away over the
waves which brought them and freedom to New
England, and so to the Union, I could not but
contrast the struggle of that day with the present
war for liberty against oppression. It is, in reality,
the “Old Colony” against the “Old Dominion,”
or rather, the latter against the former, aristocracy
against the republic. God will prosper us
now as then; but perhaps we are to be brought as
low before Him as they were, before our cause can
be victorious.
August 3. Fishing on the “Indian Pond” in
Pembroke half the day, catching sunfish and
shiners, red perch and white; my first exploits of
the kind. It is a pleasant day to remember, for
the green trees and the blue waters, for lilies wide
awake on the bosom of the waters in the morning
sunshine, for fresh breezes, and for pleasant company.
August 11. At Amesbury,—with two of the
dearest friends my life is blessed with,—dear
quiet-loving Lizzie, and her poet brother. I love
to sit with them in the still Quaker worship, and
they love the free air and all the beautiful things
as much as they do all the good and spiritual.
The harebells nodding in shade and shine on the
steep banks of the Merrimac, the sparkle of the
waters, the blue of the sky, the balm of the air,
and the atmosphere of grave sweet friendliness
which I breathed for one calm “First-day” are
never to be forgotten.
August 20. One of the stillest moonlight evenings,—not
a sound heard but the bleat of a lamb,
and the murmur of the river; all the rest a cool,
broad, friendly mountainous silence. Peace comes
down with the soft clouds and mists that veil the
hills; the Pemigewasset sings all night in the
moonshine, and I lie and dream of the beauty of
those hill-outlines around Winnipiseogee, that I
looked upon with so satisfied a greeting from the
car window on my way hither. The mountains do
not know their own beauty anywhere but by a lakeside.
So it is: beauty sets us longing for other
beauty; the clouds moving above their summits
suggest possibilities that earthly summits, at their
grandest, can never attain. And no dream can
suggest the possibilities of the beautiful that “shall
be revealed.”
August 24. “The eye is not satisfied with seeing,
and the ear with hearing,” and one can never
tire of the vision of mountain landscapes, and the
quiet song of summer rivers. Every day since I
have been here in this beautiful village of Campton,
I have driven through some new region;
sometimes into the very heart of the hills, where
nothing is to be seen but swelling slopes on every
side, hills which have not quite attained mountainhood,
but which would be mountains anywhere but
in the “Granite State;” and sometimes out into
the interval openings of the river; with new views
of “Alps on Alps” on the northern horizon, the
gate of the Franconia Notch opening dimly afar
with its mountain haystacks piled beside it. It is
rest to soul and body to be among these mountains;
one thing only is lacking; the friends I had hoped
to see here are not with me. But too much joy
is not to be looked for; let me hope that they
are among scenes more beautiful, and with dearer
friends than I. Yet how delightful it would have
been, to be with the best friends, among the most
beautiful scenes.
August 25. I am enjoying the society of my
old friend and former associate teacher. She is
more gifted than I, in most ways, and it is pleasant
to talk to some one who, you take it for granted,
has a clearer understanding, and deeper insight,
and more adequate expression than yourself.
August 28. Yesterday a rare treat; a ride to
Waterville (to the “end of the wood” as they
speak of it here) in a three-seated open wagon.
I wish they would have only open ones for mountain
travel.
September 5. Why do I not love to be near the
sea better than among the mountains? Here is
my home, if birthplace makes home. But no, it
is not my natural preference; I believe I was born
longing after the mountains. And rivers and lakes
are better to me than the ocean. I remember how
beautiful the Merrimac looked to me in childhood,
the first true river I ever knew; it opened upon my
sight and wound its way through my heart like
a dream realized; its harebells, its rocks, and its
rapids, are far more fixed in my memory than anything
about the sea. Yet the vastness and depth
and the changes of mist and sunshine are gloriously
beautiful; I know and feel their beauty. Still, I
admire it most in glimpses; a bit of blue between
the hills, only a little more substantial than the sky,
and a white sail flitting across it; or when it is high-tide
calm,—one broad, boundless stillness,—then
there is rest in the sea, but it never rests me like
the strong silent hills; they bear me up on their
summits into heaven’s own blue eternity of peace.
But is it right to wrap one’s own being in this
mantle of peace, while the country is ravaged by
war?—its garments rolled in blood, brother fighting
against brother to the death? The tide of
rebellion surges higher and higher, and there is no
sadder proof that we are not the liberty-loving
people that we used to call ourselves, than to learn
that there are traitors in the secret councils of the
nation, in forts defended by our own bravest men;
among women, too: “Sisters! oh, Sisters! Shame
o’ ladies!” A disloyal woman at the North, with
everything woman ought to hold dear at stake in
the possible fall of this government,—it is too
shameful! I hope every one such will be held in
“durance vile” until the war is over.
But will it end until the question is brought to
its true issue,—liberty or slavery? I doubt it:
and I would rather the war should last fifty years,
than ever again make the least compromise with
slavery, that arch-enemy of all true prosperity, that
eating sin of our nation. Rather divide at once,
rather split into a thousand pieces, than sink back
into this sin!
The latest news is of the capture of the Hatteras
Forts, a great gain for us, and a blight to
privateering at the South;—with a rumor of “Jeff
Davis’s” death, which nobody believes because it is
so much wished. Yet to his friends he is a man,
and no rebel. War is a bitter curse,—it forbids
sympathy, and makes us look upon our enemies as
scarcely human; and we cannot help it, when our
foes are the foes of right.
Norton, September 8. Am I glad for trials, for
disappointments, for opportunities for self-sacrifice,
for everything God sends? Ah! indeed I do not
know! How many times, when we say, “Try me,
and know my heart,” the answer is, “Ye know
not what ye ask!” And I know not why, in some
states of mind and body, what seems a very little
trouble (or would, if told another), should be so
oppressive.
But “little,” and “great,” in the world’s vocabulary,
are very different terms from what they
are in individual experience; and submission, and
grateful acquiescing obedience to divine will, are
to be learned by each in his own capacity. Two
weeks ago, I was saying over to myself, every day,
as if it were a new thought, Keble’s lines,—
“New treasures still, of countless price,
God will provide for sacrifice.”
And as those words kept recurring, as if whispered
by a spirit, I thought I should be glad to have my
best treasures to give for sacrifice, to make others
happy with what was most precious to me. And
as my way seemed uncertain, and for a day or two
I knew not whether to move or to sit still, I said,
“Lead me! Behold the handmaid of the Lord;
let it be unto me according to Thy will,—only let
me do nothing selfishly.” And the answer came
in the withdrawal of a blessing from me; no doubt
with purposes of greater blessing to some one, somewhere
and somehow; and I am only half reconciled
as yet. Shall I ever believe that God knows
best, and does what is best for me, and for us all?
It is easy enough in theory, but these great and
little trials tell us the truth about ourselves,—show
us our insincerity. And now I close this
record, which has been my nearest companion for
so many months. Esther is gone. Is there any
friend who cares enough for me just as I am, to
keep it in memory of me? Or had I better bury
it from my own eyes and all others’? It may be
good for me to read the record of myself as I have
been,—cheerful or morbid,—and of what I have
read, thought, and done, wisely or unwisely. The
“Country Parson” thinks a diary a good thing;
and I do too, in many ways, but I would rather
write for a friend’s kindly eyes than for my own:
even about myself. Therefore letters are to me a
more genial utterance than a journal, and I would
write any journal as if for some one who could understand
me fully, love me, and have patience with
me through all. I do not know if now there is any
such friend for me; yet dear friends I have, and
more and more precious to me, every year. If
these were my last words, I would set them down
as a testimony to the preciousness of human friendships;
dearer and richer than anything else on
earth. By them is the revelation of the divine in
the human; by them heaven is opened, truth is
made clear, and life is worth the living. So have
I been blessed, drawn heavenward by saintly messengers
in the garb of mortality. So shall it be
forever, for true love is—eternal, it is life itself.
September 12. Is it always selfish to yield to
depression? Can one help it, if the perspective of
a coming year of lonely labor seems very long? No.
I shall not be alone; I shall feel the sympathy of
all the good and true, though apart from them; and
though I cannot come very near to any under this
roof, yet to all I can come nearer than I think I
can. And by and by these strange restless yearnings
will be stilled; I shall quiet my soul in the
peace of God. He has said, “I will never leave
thee nor forsake thee!” Oh! what is any woman’s
life worth without the friendship of the One
ever near, the only divine?
Yes, I will make my work my friend. My trials,
my vexations, my cares, shall speak good words to
me, and I will not blind my eyes to the beauty
close at hand, because of the lost glory of my
dreams. I wish I could be more to all these young
glad beings,—it is not in me to touch the chords
of many souls at once, but I will enlarge my sympathies.
October 5, 1861. This first week of October,
this month of months, shall not pass without some
record of its beauty. Norton woods and Norton
sunsets are the two redeeming features of the place;
as its levelness is its bane. What is it in us that
refuses to love levels? Is it that there is no searching
and toiling for anything, up cool heights and
down in sheltered hollows?
These splendidly tinted maples before my window
would be a hundred-fold more splendid if lifted
up among the hemlocks and pines of the mountainsides.
Oh! how magnificent those New Hampshire
hills must be now, in the sunset of the year!
The place is a level, and boarding-school life is
a most wearisome level to me, yet flowers spring
up, and fruits grow in both. We are to welcome
“all that makes and keeps us low;” yet it seems to
me as if it would be good for me to ascend oftener
to the heights of being; I fear losing the power and
the wish to climb.
Let us say we are struggling to put down slavery,
and we shall be strong.
October 8. Yesterday two letters came to me,
each from a friend I have never seen, yet each with
a flower-like glow and perfume that made my heart
glad. And at evening a graceful little basket of
fruit was left in my room, and this morning a
bunch of fringed gentians, blue with the thoughtfulness
of the sky that hangs over the far solitary
meadows, the last answer from earth to heaven
from the frosty fields.
October 11. Rain: and just one of those dreary
drizzling rains which turn one in from the outer
world upon one’s own consciousness,—a most unhealthy
pasture land for thought, in certain states
of mind and body. Just how far we should live in
self-consciousness, and how far live an outside life,
or rather, live in the life of others, is a puzzle.
Without something of an inner experience, it is not
easy to enter into other lives, to their advantage;
some self-knowledge is necessary, to keep us from
intruding upon others; but it is never good to make
self the centre of thought.
October 13. George Fox’s journal is a leaf from
a strange chapter of the world’s history: from the
history of religion. If a plain man should come
among us now, asking leave of none to speak, but
“testifying” in religious assemblies to the reality
of the inward life of light and peace in Christ, his
blunt and simple ways might be unpleasing to
many, but every scoffer would look on, more with
wonder than with anger. Many, I am sure, would
welcome such a voice of sincerity and “livingness,”
sounding through the outward services of religion.
The days of religious persecution can scarcely return
again; nor, it is to be hoped, the days of those
strange phenomena which so irritated our ancestors;
men walking as “signs” to the people, declaring
their dreams to be visions from God, and uttering
wild, unmeaning prophecies for inspiration. How
hard it is to learn what “true religion and undefiled”
is! Life is a better word for this universal
bond than religion. And we shall see, sometime,
that it is only by the redemption of all our
powers, all that is in us and in the outward world,
that we are truly “saved.” We must receive the
true light through and through, we must keep our
common sense, our talents, our genius, just the
same;—only that light must glow through all, to
make all alive. And when home, and friendships,
and amusements, and all useful and beautiful
thoughts and things are really made transparent
with that divine light, when nothing that God has
given us is rejected as “common or unclean,” the
“new heaven and the new earth” will have been
created, and we shall live in our Creator and Redeemer.
The great difference between the early Quakers
and the Puritans seems to me to be that the former
had larger ideas of truth, deeper and broader
revelations, yet mixed with greater eccentricities,
as might be expected. The Puritans were most
anxious for a place where they could worship undisturbed,
as their consciences dictated; the Quakers
were most desirous that the Word of Life should
be spoken everywhere,—the Light be revealed
to all. Each made serious mistakes,—what else
could we expect, from the best that is human?
And the errors of both were, in great part, the
errors of the age,—intolerance and fanaticism.
October 12. How refreshing the clear cold air
is, after the summer-like fogs and rains we have
had! I love the cold; the northern air is strengthening;
it has the breath of the hills in it, the
glow of Auroral lights, and the purity of the eternal
snows. There is little of the south in my
nature; the north is my home; Italy and the tropics
will do for dream excursions; I should long
for the sweeping winds of the hillsides, if I were
there.
October 15. The beauty of this morning was
wonderful; something in the air made me feel like
singing. I thought my weariness was all gone; but
leaning over books brought it back. After school
four of us rode off in the wagon through the woods;
and delighted ourselves with the sunset, the katydids,
and the moonlight.
October 22. I heard Charles Sumner on the
Rebellion: my first sight and hearing of the great
anti-slavery statesman. He was greeted with tremendous
applause, and every expression of opposition
to slavery was met with new cheers. He does
not seem to me like a man made to awaken enthusiasm;
a great part of his address was statistical, and
something we all knew before,—the long preparation
of this uprising of the rebels; and his manner
was not that of a man surcharged with his subject,
but of one who had thoroughly and elegantly prepared
himself to address the people. At this time
we are all expecting orators to speak as we feel,—intensely;
perhaps it is as well that all do not
meet our expectations. One idea which he presented
seemed to me to be worth all the rest, and
worth all the frothy spoutings for “Union” that
we hear every day; it was that our battalions must
be strengthened by ideas, by the idea of freedom.
That is it. Our men do not know what they are
fighting for; freedom is greater than the Union,
and a Union, old or new, with slavery, no true
patriot will now ask for. May we be saved from
that, whatever calamities we may endure!
The ride to and from Boston has a new picture
since summer: the camp at Readville, just under
the shadow of the Milton hills. It is a striking
picture, the long array of white tents, the soldiers
marching and countermarching, and the hills,
tinted with sunset and autumn at once, looking
down upon the camping ground. Little enough
can one realize what war is, who sees it only in its
picturesque aspect, who knows of it only by the
newspapers, by knitting socks for soldiers, and
sewing bed-quilts for the hospitals. I should give
myself in some more adequate way, if we were definitely
struggling for freedom; for there is more for
women to do than to be lookers-on.
October 27. Looking out on the clouds at sunset,
the thought of God as constantly evolving
beauty from His own being into all created forms,
struck me forcibly, as the right idea of our lives;
that, like Him, we should be full of all truth and
love, and so grow into beauty ourselves, and impart
loveliness to all we breathe upon, or touch. Inspiration
from Him is all we have to impart in blessing
to others.
What is the meaning of these moods and states
that fetter some of us so? I have seen life just as
I see it now, and been glad in it, while for many
months all things have brought me a nightmare-feeling
that I could not shake off. I know it is the
same world, the same life, the same God; I do not
doubt Him, nor the great and good ends that He
is working out for all; yet nothing wears its old
delight.
October 30. “And with a child’s delight in
simple things.” That I have not lost all this, I
felt to-day, in receiving a note from an unknown
person,—from one who had read some poems of
mine in childhood, and now, a woman, bears something
not unworthy the name of poet; to hear some
new voice speaking to me in this way, as a friend,
is pleasant to me. I have written as I have felt,
in my verses; they have been true words from my
deepest life, often; and I am glad whenever they
call forth a sincere answer, as now;—one word
of real appreciation repays me for pages of mere
fault-finding. Yet a kind fault-finder is the best
of friends.
What is the meaning of “gossip?” Doesn’t it
originate with sympathy, an interest in one’s neighbor,
degenerating into idle curiosity and love of
tattling? Which is worse, this habit, or keeping
one’s self so absorbed intellectually as to forget the
sufferings and cares of others, to lose sympathy
through having too much to think about?
October 31. I must hurry my mind, when I
have to press ancient history into a three-months’
course, and keep in advance of my class in study,
with rhetoric and mental philosophy requiring a
due share of attention besides, and the whole school
to be criticised in composition and furnished with
themes.
November 5. Governor Andrew’s proclamation
was a very touching one. Thanksgiving will be a
sad day this year, yet a more sacred day than ever.
I read his allusion to the Potomac, as now a sacred
river to us, since the blood of our soldiers had
mingled with its waters; and we felt that one
throb of patriotism unites us all, however we must
suffer.
November 7. Frémont is removed! It seems
too bad, for none could awaken enthusiasm as he
did, everywhere. And yet military law is all that
holds us up now, and we have to trust blindly that
the rulers are right. It may prove to be so, but
to withdraw him when within a few miles of the
enemy seems too hard. We shall respect him all
the more, to see him bearing it nobly for his country’s
sake.
November 14. The best news for us since the
war began has come within a day or two; and it is
confirmed. Beaufort, S. C., is taken by a federal
fleet, and the secessionists are in real consternation.
All agree that this is a decisive blow, and if we
can maintain our position, the war will end speedily.
But after that, there will be the same question
to settle—“Are we one country or not?”
We shall not be any more agreed than we were
before, until slavery is abolished. The idea that
the negroes are attached to the “institution” is
well shown up now, when two hundred slaves, the
property of one man in the very heart of slavedom,
hasten at once to board our war steamers for protection;
and when their masters vainly try to whip
them before them in their retreat. If now our
government undertakes to cultivate cotton by free
labor of colored men, it will be a grand step towards
the general liberation. And if thus the South can
be made to honor labor, we may by and by be
reunited in spirit; for that is the element of separation.
We are carried onward in a way we little
know, and it is impossible not to rejoice when we
feel ourselves borne by a mighty and loving Power
towards a glorious goal.
November 18. Much of our Christianity is not
of a sufficiently enlarged type to satisfy an educated
Hindoo; not that Unitarianism is necessary, for
that system has but a surface-liberalism which can
become very hard, and finally very narrow, as its
history among us has often proved. It is not a
system at all that we want: it is Christ, the “wisdom
of God and the power of God,” Christ, the
loving, creating, and redeeming friend of the world,
Christ, whose large, free being enfolds all that
is beautiful in nature and in social life; and all
that is strong and deep and noble in the sanctuary
of every living soul. When Christians have truly
learned Christ, they can be true teachers.
November 24. Thanksgiving is over; I have
been to Beverly and returned. I am glad they
wanted me so much, for I should not have gone
without; and in this place there is little in harmony
with our best home festival. Our governor’s proclamation
was of the true Puritan stamp; and the
day was one to be kept religiously, in view of our
present national troubles, and of the strong Power
that is bearing us through and over them. We
are sure that God is on our side; and one of the
things to be most thankful for is that the desire
for the liberation of the slave is becoming universal.
Our armies, that began to fight for Union
alone, now see that Union is nothing without freedom,
and when this Northern heart is fully inspired
with that sentiment the Northern hand will strike
a decisive blow; such a blow as only the might of
right can direct.
November 25. The first snow! Light and thick
as swan’s-down, it wraps the shivering bosom of
mother earth. Last night I went to sleep with an
uncurtained window before me, and the still, bright
stars looking in; I awoke to find the air dim and
heavy with snow, and all the treetops bending in
graceful gratitude; and to think aloud the lines,—
“Oh! if our souls were but half as white
As the beautiful snow that fell last night!”
I do not like this vague kind of unrest, and this
dissatisfaction with myself which returns so often.
I am willing to be dissatisfied, but I want to know
exactly with what, that I may mend. I believe the
trouble partly is that I do not, cannot, love very
much the people that I see oftenest. Their
thoughts and ways are so different from mine I
cannot comfortably walk with them. It seems to
me as if we were like travelers on the same journey,
but in paths wide apart; and we can only
make one another hear by effort and shouting.
Whether this is wrong, or simply one of the things
that cannot be helped, I cannot clearly see; but I
am afraid that I am too willing to excuse myself
for so doing.
November 26. The last day of school; my classes
all examined, and to-morrow we scatter, to gather
ourselves together again in two weeks. I am not
sure whether I like or dislike these frequent
changes; on the whole I think I like them; for
they break up the monotony, and then one does get
so totally glued to the manner of school life: there
is no better name for the cohesive power that makes
us one household for the time. I do not believe it
possible (for me, at least, and I doubt whether it
is for any woman) to have quite a home feeling,
among the many living together, in a place like
this. There is not expansive power enough in me
to take in all.
Beverly, December. The two weeks of vacation
are nearly over, and I have done nothing but sew.
I had planned to read, and paint, and walk, and
rest; but things are as they are, and one cannot
go in tatters. I like to be somewhat troubled and
absorbed in the necessities of life, once in a while;
it is rather pleasant than otherwise to feel that
something urgently requires my attention; and then
this is the way to realize how three fourths of the
inhabitants of this world live to eat, drink, and
wear clothes.
December 13. Vacation is over; and here I am
at Norton again, not so fully awake and in earnest
about school work as I wish I was.
My whole life has lost the feeling of reality; I
cannot tell why. Alike in the city, by the seashore,
and here on the levels of this now leafless
flat-land, I feel as if I were “moving about in
worlds unrealized.” I know well enough the theory
of life; what principles must sustain me; what
great objects there are to live for; and still there
remains the same emptiness, the same wonder in
everything I do. I feel as I imagine the world
might have felt, when going through some of its
slow transitions from chaos into habitable earth,—waiting
for sunshine, and bursting buds, and running
rivers. I suppose I am not ready for full life
yet.
December 16. To-day there are rumors of a possible
war with England, on account of the affair of
Mason and Slidell, now prisoners in Boston harbor.
It will be an outrage on humanity, a proof that
England’s pompous declamations against slavery
are all hypocritical, if this should be done; for all
good authorities have declared that a war on this
account would never be, unless a pretext for war
was wanted. Perhaps Providence intends that this
shall be brought out definitely as a struggle for
principles; I think the nation and the army need
some such lesson, and they will not learn it unless
it is made very plain.
December 22. I have found what are to be my
two books of Bible study,—my two Sabbath books
for the term. They are Neander’s “History of the
Church,” and Conybeare and Howson’s “Life of
St. Paul.” I have commenced them both, and find
that satisfaction in them that is only met with by
coming in contact with a character,—gifted, scholarly
and Christian.
How I should like to live a free life with nature
one year through! out in the bracing winds, the
keen frosty air, and over the crackling snowcrust,
wherever I would; and then in summer, seek the
mountains or the sea, as I chose; no study, no
thoughts, but what came as a thing of course; no
system, except nature’s wild ways, which have always
their own harmony, evident enough when one
enters into them, though understood by no mere
observer.
December 28. A pretty table found its way into
my room Christmas morning, a gift contributed
from two classes: I was half sorry and half glad
to receive it; I don’t think I appreciate this kind
of a present—it represents so many persons, some
vaguely and some clearly fixed in memory—so
much as a simpler token from the heart of one
friend. And yet I feel the kindness which prompted
the gift, and am grateful for it, I am sure.
How ashamed one is obliged to be just now
of the “mother country”! Step-mother Country
England ought to be called, for her treatment of us
in our trouble. It is hard to believe that all she has
said against slavery was insincere, and that she
would really like to see the slave-power established
and flourishing on the ruins of our free Republic;
but her actions say so.
Yet we are not guiltless; not wholly purged from
the curse yet. The army is not entirely anti-slavery
in principles; and we cannot look for success,
nor wish it, but for the sake of freedom.