The desire of the young to abolish prostitution
by means of love’s freedom has already been adduced
as one of the proofs of the higher development
of sexual morality. Another such proof is the
desire of the present day to abolish adultery by
means of free divorce.
The preachers of monogamy are afraid that this
desire will prepare the way for an open polygamy,
instead of that which at present is at least secret.
In the press and in the pulpit, in schoolrooms and
lecture-rooms, modern literature is blamed for
this “new immorality.”
And yet we all know that long before our time,
married men and their sons in country houses were
too often ready to seduce the wives and daughters
of their dependents as well as the servants of the
house. The wives and mothers of these gentlemen
were frequently not ignorant of this—but they
were praised for their wisdom when they pretended
to suspect nothing. It was a matter of
common knowledge that not a few married men
and married women had mistresses and lovers
within their own social circle; and every one knew
that in the towns many men, during or before
marriage, had illegitimate families.
Serious preachers of morality doubtless reply
that they no more condone this secret adultery
than they would an open one; that they see in one
and the other a manifestation of that power of sin
which only religion can vanquish. We have the
right then to ask, whether within their own ranks—among
clergymen, missionaries, readers—no
similar transgressions occur.
The honest ones answer Yes, but point out that
this causes shame among their fellow-Christians,
and that these believers themselves acknowledge
that they have sinned. Such men of the world,
who play the hypocrite to retain their respectability,
do the same thing. But the great danger
to society first comes in when free-thinkers with no
qualms of conscience commit, and authors without
moral indignation describe, the sin. This it is
that degrades the ideal of morality.
Here we are at the very cross-roads of the old
and the new morality.
The champions of the latter go on to ask whether
all adulterers—children of this world as well as
children of God—in their innermost consciousness
really feel themselves to be sinners. The need
which impelled them was perhaps so imperious
that it justified them before their own conscience
in choosing a lesser evil in preference to a greater,
when—from one cause or another—they could
not or ought not to satisfy the need in their
marriage.
And if this be so, then the exponents of the new
morality may have grounds for their opinion:
that self-control cannot and must not be the only
answer to all the problems of sexual life; that a
solution must be found which shall by degrees
prevent men from wasting, either in unchastity
or in a celibacy disguised as marriage, the strength
which belongs to the race. The solution can only
be this, that we not only assert love’s freedom to
unite without external tie, but also man’s right
more freely than at present to loosen the tie, when
real union is no longer possible.
When speaking of love’s selection, it was put
forward that a growing insight into the value and
conditions of the enhancement of the race might
produce cases where a marriage could be openly
broken without therefore being dissolved. But
the true line of development will quite certainly
be this: that divorce will be free, depending
solely on the will of both parties or of one,
maintained for a certain time; that public opinion
as regards a dissolved marriage will take the broader
view that it has already acquired in the question
of a broken engagement, which at one time was
thought just as humiliating as a divorce is now.
With ever-growing seriousness the new conception
of morality is affirmed: that the race does not
exist for the sake of monogamy, but monogamy
for the sake of the race; that mankind is therefore
master of monogamy, to preserve or to abolish
it.
Even the advocates of free divorce know well
enough that it will involve abuses. But at the
same time they know that there is no better proof
of man’s incredible indolence of mind than the
uneasiness produced by the thought of possible
abuses resulting from a new social form, while
the ancient abuses are tolerated with the dullest
tranquillity.
Whatever abuses free divorce may involve, they
cannot often be worse than those which marriage
has produced and still produces—marriage, which
is degraded to the coarsest sexual habits, the most
shameless traffic, the most agonising soul-murders,
the most inhuman cruelties, and the grossest infringements
of liberty that any department of
modern life can show.
We may answer that abuses do not prove anything
against the value of any particular social
arrangement, so long as its right use serves well
the purpose for which it was introduced.
The majority thinks that this is still the case
with marriage. The minority, on the other
hand, considers that its constraint now tends to
defeat its original object, an enhanced sexual
morality.
This minority thinks that, as soon as love is
admitted as the moral ground of marriage, it will
be a necessary consequence that he who has ceased
to love should be allowed a moral as well as a legal
right to withdraw from his marriage, if he chooses
to avail himself of this right.
And this same minority is aware that love may
cease, independently of a person’s will; that
therefore no one can be held to the terms of a
promise, the performance of which lies outside his
powers.
Nothing is more natural than that love’s longing
for eternity should prompt lovers to vows of
eternal fidelity; nothing is more true than that it
is a satanic device of society to seize upon this
promise and base thereon a legal institution
(Carpenter). Nothing is more necessary than to
abolish the legal claims that people have on one
another, supported by promises of love and vows
of fidelity.
The more people understand the laws of their
own being, the more will the conscientious begin
to hesitate about making promises which perhaps
some day they will be forced by inner necessity to
break. An increasing number of people find it
impossible to contract marriage, or to ask it of
the other party—or to continue in marriage or
ask its continuance of the other—when their love
has died or has awakened for another. A generation
ago, an engaged person could refuse his or
her betrothed’s petition for liberation with the
answer that he or she had love enough for both.
In corresponding circles at the present day, such
a speech is unthinkable. But then a public engagement
was still regarded as a binding tie and the
marriage took place. After a long engagement
it was a “point of honour” for the man not to let
a woman run the risk of being unmarried, and
she was satisfied if he only paid his debt of
honour.
Such coarseness of feeling is fortunately becoming
more and more rare, although it is far from
disappearing. People see more and more that
they have no more right to marry simply to fulfil a
duty of fidelity than they have to steal in order
to fulfil a duty of maintenance; that there is no
more obligation to abide by a marriage which
one feels to be one’s ruin than there is a duty
to commit suicide for the sake of another.
The love of older times was above all afraid that
the other party should not feel sufficiently bound.
The finest erotic feeling of the present day shudders
at the idea of becoming a bond; trembles at pity
and recoils from the possibility of becoming a
hindrance. This state of the soul knows of no
other right than that of perfect candour. To
place legal limits to each other’s liberty, so that
neither shall cause pain to the other, is under these
conditions meaningless; for each suffers just as
much through a union maintained without full
reciprocity.
Thus the question of divorce presents itself to
modern souls, in cases where there are no children.
And when there are children—as is of course the
rule—they think that the mistakes of parents do
not absolve them from the duty of co-operating
in the rearing of the children to whom they have
given life.
But they maintain that this need not always be
effected by means of continued cohabitation. On
the other hand, this may often be necessary, and
in such cases they subordinate their personal
claims of happiness to those of the race. One
who holds these opinions regards him who gives the
same answer in every case—whether this answer
be “freedom at any price” or “renunciation at
any price”—simply as a moral automaton.
It is true that modern men and women are less
able to bear unhappiness in marriage than were
those of former times. This shows that connubial
idealism makes greater demands than formerly.
The conscious will to live, of our time, revolts
against the meaningless sufferings through which
the people of bygone days, above all the women,
allowed themselves to be degraded, benumbed,
and embittered. A finer knowledge of self, a
stronger consciousness of personality, now puts a
limit to one’s own suffering, since the danger is
understood of taking hurt in one’s soul. This
determination of individualism makes it impossible
for the modern woman to be fired by the ideal
of Griselda—if for no other reason, because she
feels how all-suffering meekness increases injustice.
The “good old” marriages, sustained by the willing
sacrifice of wives, are disappearing—that is happily
true! But no one takes notice of the new good
ones that are coming in their place. If those who
now grudgingly reckon up divorces would also
count all happy marriages, it would be seen
that new formation has proceeded further than
dissolution.
It must be evident that the question of divorce
is the pursuance of the line of development of
Protestantism. With the formation of a right and
a left party, as usual in the treatment of a problem
of culture, the Reformation succeeded only in
asserting the right of the senses in human life.
That it is the right of the soul in sexual life that is
now most intimately affected by the question,
people will not understand. Against the right
of the individual they set up that of the child. If
there is none, then a certain number of Christians
are willing to admit that divorce is sometimes
justified. Unhappy parents, on the other hand,
must remain together for the sake of the children.
But the erotically noble person of the present
day cannot, without the deepest sense of humiliation,
belong to one he does not love, or by whom
he knows he is not loved. Thus for one or both
of the parties a marriage that is persisted in without
the love of one or both causes profound suffering
either through this humiliation or through
lifelong celibacy.
This is the kernel of the question, which is
avoided by all who, in their care for the children,
forget that the parents must nevertheless be considered
as an end in themselves. It is not asked
that for the sake of the children they should commit
other crimes; thus a woman who committed
forgery to support her child would be disapproved
of. But other women are judged leniently who
“for the sake of their children” feel themselves
prostituted year after year in their marriage.
That married people are to be found who continue
to live as friends, since the erotic needs of
both are small; that others do not feel the humiliation
of cohabitation without love; that the former
as well as the latter are probably acting best for
the children in keeping together a home for them—this
does not prevent others under similar circumstances
from suffering in such a way that life loses
all its value. And these are they who end either
in adultery or divorce.
Even if an enemy of divorce admits these difficulties,
he replies, that the individual must still
suffer for his erotic as for his other mistakes, since
only so can people be taught not to commit
mistakes.
But the true state of the case may be, that just
as in old times murders increased in proportion
to the number of executions people witnessed, so
unhappy marriages may become more frequent,
the more there are at present; for it is, above all,
the whole spirit that prevails around us which
determines our action. If the young are accustomed
to see their elders content with false and ugly
relations, they will learn to be so likewise. If they
see around them an aspiration towards ideal conditions
in love—an idealism which is revealed now
in a beautiful married life, now in the dissolution
of one that is not beautiful—then their ideals will
also be lofty. Those again, who have once made
a mistake, will perhaps be more clear-sighted if
they choose again.
But neither those who make mistakes nor those
who witness them can be saved by the misfortunes
of others from that great source of error, erotic
illusion. And until erotic sympathy has become
more refined, these mistakes are the most innocent
of all. Every lover believes himself to be exempted
from the sacrifice of illusion and no experience of
the irretrievable erotic mistakes of others has ever
opened the eyes of one blinded by love.
As it is recognised that society ought to make
the lives of all as valuable as possible, this involves
the claim that innocent mistakes should cause as
little ruin as need be.
In marriage as in other fields, the modern principle
must be put in force, that punishment should
improve the faulty and prepare the way for a
higher idea of justice. But this higher idea is that
marriage should be contracted under gradually
improving conditions, not that it should continue
under gradually deteriorating influences.
Marriage under constraint forces people to continue
their cohabitation and to bring children into
the world in a revolt of the soul which must leave
its mark in their children’s nature and thus influence
their future destiny. But this is not a
“well-deserved punishment” for a mistake: it
is the profoundest violation of the sanctity of the
personality and of the race.
Here as ever the only logical alternative is full
individual liberty or unconditional surrender.
The Catholic Church maintains—and rightly
from its own point of view—that, since even
marriages entered into with the warmest love and
under the most favourable conditions may turn
out unhappily, it is impossible to base the morality
of marriage on the emotion of love. Nothing that
is founded upon emotion can be permanent. Nay,
the richer, the more individually and universally
developed a personality is, the less immutable will
be the state of its soul. Thus even the highest
need an inflexible law, an irremovable tie, to prevent
their being at the mercy of winds and waves
through their emotions, while inferior beings need
them so as not to be driven out of their course by
their desires. The concessions of Protestantism,
therefore, lead to the dissolution of marriage, since
when love is made the basis of marriage it is
built upon sand.
Marriage, which the Church therefore made a
sacrament and indissoluble, had already become
the legal expression of the husband’s right of private
ownership over his wife and children. The
course of development has consisted in an unceasing
transformation of this religio-economical
view, and development cannot stop until the
last remnant of this conception has been
destroyed.
Therefore the believers in Life refuse to admit
either the half-admissions of Protestantism or the
logical compulsion of Catholicism. They demand
that the step from authority to freedom shall be
taken outright, since they know that the external
authority which simplifies life does not create the
deeper morality. Compulsion fetters legal freedom
of action, but thereby only makes secret
crime a social institution.
And even if a husband or a wife has outwardly
overcome a temptation, this will not prevent that
individual when in the embrace of the lawful spouse
from being filled with feeling for another. Have
they then avoided adultery? Not according to their
own finest consciousness—that consciousness which
Goethe aroused in his great poem on elective
affinities. Duties performed may as surely as
those left undone produce incalculable and tragic
results. They are foolish who think they can lead
another soul across the bridge, fine as a hair and
sharp as a knife-edge, by which every one goes his
solitary way over the abyss to salvation: the way
of the choice of personal conscience.
When custom and law deprive a human being of
full freedom of choice in the matters of most profound
personal concern—his belief, his work, and
his love—then existence is robbed of greater
values than those the compulsory fulfilment of
duty can bring in.
In love, the idea of personality has now brought
us to the view that “property is theft”; that only
free gifts are of value; that the ideas of connubial
“rights” and “duties” are to be exchanged for
the great reconstructive thought, that fidelity can
never be promised, but that indeed it may be won
every day.
This will give the motive power for the attainment
of ever higher forms of erotic organisation
a power which the Buddha-like calm of indissoluble
marriage has left unused.
It is sad that this truth—which was already
clear to the noble minds of the Courts of Love—should
still need proclaiming; for one of the
reasons given in these Courts for love being impossible
in marriage is this: that woman cannot expect
from her husband the delicate conduct that a
lover must show, since the latter only receives
by favour what the husband takes as his right.
When divorce becomes free, the attention to
each other’s emotions, the delicacy of conduct and
the desire to captivate by being always new, which
belong to the period of engagement, will be continued
in married life. As in the early days of
love, each will allow the other full freedom in all
essential manifestations of life, but will exercise
control over his own casual moods, whereas
marriage now as a rule reverses this happy state
of things.
The security of possession now puts to sleep the
eagerness of acquisition; the compulsion to win
anew will brace the energy in this as in every
other connection.
A fidelity thus won will be the only sort that
will be thought worth having in the future. A
craving for happiness more sensitive than the
present may one day marvel at the legally insured
fidelity of our time, as at its inheritance of wealth.
In both cases it will have been seen that only one’s
exertion of force brings happiness and gives that
felicity of victory before which hands stretched out
to steal shrink back.
The believers in Life are everywhere distinguished
by their determination to give to every relation the
value of the unique, the stamp of the exceptional,
that which has never been before and will never
come again. Like the worshippers of Life of the
Renaissance, those of our time have begun to recover
the power of strong enjoyment and strong suffering
which is always the sign of increasing spiritual
unity, a new gathering of force through a new
religious feeling.
To this view of life the permanence of happiness
will be less important than its completeness while
it lasts.
Spinoza, who described jealousy as no one else
has done, has also uttered this deep saying of love:
The greater the emotion we hope that the loved one
will experience through us, and the more the loved
one is moved by joy in his relation to us, the
greater also will be our own happiness in love.
People of the present day have begun to distinguish
the idea of this “greatest joy” from lifelong
proprietorship; and therewith jealousy in
its lower form has begun to disappear.
Jealousy like other shadows belongs to the
rising and setting light and disappears like them in
the full clearness of noonday. But its tone of
feeling has become quite different since man has
discovered that, if the sun stands still in the zenith
for him, it is a miracle—not a right. The most
highly developed people of the present day say
“I am loved” or “I am not loved” with the same
simplicity as they say the sun shines or does not
shine. The difference is in both cases immeasurable,
but in one case as in the other, necessity
removes the feeling of humiliation. The grief
which comes when a lover no longer feels that he
brings joy to the beloved or when he sees another
bring it, is natural and worthy of respect. It
ceases to be so when it manifests itself in the will
of an avaricious proprietor, the brutal instinct
which often survives not only the feeling of the
other but also its own.
But although the psychological differentiation
in our time involves greater possibilities of finding
some one who will satisfy some side of the erotic
longing,—while it is more and more difficult to find
one who wholly satisfies this ever more complex
desire,—the danger of such division of self is
counterbalanced by the growing wish for the
longing to be wholly satisfied. Love by thus
making ever greater demands becomes at the same
time ever more faithful.
Those who dread the dissolution of society
through the insistence upon the rights of love, do
not reflect that its right to break up marriage is
allowed to the feeling, which has not only the red
glow of passion, but also the clearness through
which two people have become conscious of each
other as a revelation of the whole unsuspected richness
of life. A revelation which included all the
fulness of comprehension, all the serenity of confidence;
where both have given with equal
exactingness and generosity—not meagrely or
hesitatingly, but so that each without reserve has
rushed to meet the other—this is the only happiness
that love’s noblemen will now experience.
It will be more and more difficult even to experience
it once—how much more so then to find
it many times!
A great love is never like the erotic thunderstorms
which move against the wind—that is to
say, against the whole disposition of the personality
in other things.
All valuable feelings—whether entertained for
a person, a belief, a place, or a country—are conservative.
The consciousness of this gives the
preacher of liberty his boldness. He never
perceives how liberty may be abused, since he
knows what it costs to loosen a heart from what
it has once embraced.
To a volatile nature, the happiness that a more
steadfast one experiences in love is as unfathomable
as the bliss of the mystic becoming absorbed
into the fulness of his divinity is to the
polytheist.
Here, as everywhere, to the believer in Life,
happiness is one with morality. Since happiness
consists in the greatest emotions, its first condition
is to intensify and enlarge all feelings, and above
all that which leads to marriage.
But in addition, the whole standard of personality
depends to a great extent upon whether we
consider fidelity a life-value. He who desires
fidelity centres his moods and his powers upon
what is essential and protects them from the gusts
of the accidental. Only this gives style and greatness
to existence. The desire of fidelity is therefore
one with a person’s feeling for his own
integrity, his inward consistency, the attitude
and dignity of his spiritual being.
When fidelity is preserved for these profound
reasons, it will also be broken only for the same
reasons. A fidelity, on the other hand, which
rests upon conventional notions of duty, will be
in the fire like a fire-escape of straw.
It is moreover forgotten, in all discussions of the
dangers of free divorce, that under the influence of
love the whole disposition of the soul is towards
fidelity. Great love absorbs all associations of
ideas and thus without conscious exertion intensifies
and enlarges the personality. Fidelity will
be a necessary condition of love, but a condition
whose psychological continuance is not favoured
by coercive marriage.
Fidelity towards one’s self—also in the new sense
of the word—thus involves not only the ability in
case of need to destroy the bridge between one’s
self and one’s past. It also implies the building
of better bridges to strengthen the connection
between our personality and our present. It
implies not only the capacity to have finished with
a destiny; but also that of not having done too soon
with a person. It may certainly involve the
necessity of a new experiment in life. But still
more certainly it involves the need of not allowing
the incidental numbness of one’s feeling to seduce
one to new “experiences.” This expression—in
place of the old word “adventures”—implies,
moreover, an intensification of feeling: where
formerly only the excitement of “adventure”
was looked for, a richer element of life is now
sought. But it is often a fatal error to suppose
that this is to be gained in new relations, when on
the contrary it might have been won by an intensification
of the former ones. By more attention
to and respect for the other’s personality one
may often discover more than one had expected;
for some people are like certain landscapes or
works of art: they do not begin to make an impression
until one thinks one has done with them.
But piety is required to await the revelations of
soul as of a work. Piety implies contemplation,
and this demands peace. But peace is difficult to
find in our time, whose misfortune is precisely
disturbance and amusement.
That our time like every other has its particular
epidemics in the erotic sphere, is certain, and
disturbance is just the condition in which the most
dangerous of these find a favourable soil. It is
therefore a part of the erotic art of living that a
married couple should now and then pass some
time undisturbed in each other’s company—or
separately and alone—in order thus to strengthen
the health of their feelings. Here as in other things
external precautions against infection are unimportant
in comparison with care of the general
health.
Only he who, after unceasing effort and patient
self-examination, can say that he has used all
his resources of goodness and understanding; put
into his married life all his desire of happiness and
all his vigilance; tried every possibility of enlarging
the other’s nature, and yet has been unsuccessful,—only
he can with an easy conscience give up his
married life.
The life-tree of a human being is formed, no more
than are the trees of the forest, according to a
strict measure for the length of the branches or a
pattern for the shape of the leaves. Like nature’s
trees, its beauty depends upon the freedom of the
boughs to take unexpected curves, upon the disposition
of the leaves to exhibit an infinite diversity
of shape. Only he who does not permit the
tree to grow according to its own inner laws, but
clips it according to those of gardening, can be
sure of not preparing surprises for himself and
others, when one branch unexpectedly shoots out
and another equally unaccountably withers. No
one can answer for the transformations to which
life thus may subject his own nature; nor for
the changes which the transformation of another’s
nature may effect in his own feeling. He may
possess the rarest disposition to fidelity, the most
sincere desire to concentrate himself upon his love,
to “let his personality grow around it, as about
its core”—it nevertheless does not depend upon
his will alone whether this core shall shrivel or
be corrupted.
Therefore the desire of fidelity can not, must not,
and ought not to imply more than the will to be
true to the deepest needs of one’s own personality.
In other spheres than that of love, people admit
this freely. Nobody considers it an unquestionable
duty for a young man to find at once the view
of life or the career in which he can continue for the
rest of his life. What young people are rightly
warned against is the wandering without method
among different opinions or undertakings; for
only that belief or that work which one seriously
tries to live by and live for can really employ the
powers of the personality and thus show its efficacy
in enhancing them. But the most profound
seriousness cannot prevent a continued development
of the personality from one day compelling
the man to abandon that belief or that work. It
probably would not occur to a thoughtful clergyman
to appeal to such a man’s promises at confirmation,
or to a thoughtful father to bring forward
his own choice of a career as an example to his son.
Lifelong tenacity was demanded in those days
when it was assumed that a single doctrine, a
single set of circumstances, was entirely adequate
for personal development for a whole lifetime. The
crime of deviation was then logically punished
by excommunication or by fines. But the profounder
view which we have acquired in the
matters of belief and occupation must also be
extended to the third. We ought to perceive that
unconditional fidelity to one person may be just as
disastrous to the personality as unconditional continuance
in a faith or an employment. Those
who are now patching the sack-cloth of asceticism
with a few shreds from the purple mantle of personality
are spoiling both. Either state the claim
of renunciation clearly, like the Catholic, or admit
the whole claim of personality. But the whole
problem is unfairly stated by those who make
“personal love” the moral basis of marriage, but
go on to speak of this love as though it were a
question of light-heartedly taking partners for a
game, where nothing is more usual than that each
woman finds the right man and each man the right
woman—and so everything is in order. If life
were so easy, there would be reason for the pronouncements,
which are now so profoundly coarse,
that only the man or woman without character,
the aimless personality, is incapable of vowing a
lifelong love and keeping the promise; nay, that a
true personality can “command itself to love its
child’s father or mother.”
He who asserts that our true personality will
always follow the duty laid down by society and
constantly be able to fulfil the claims of fidelity,
and that those who cannot do this are guided by
a false subjectivity and not by their personality,
makes the idea of personality equivalent to that
of member of society, the whole equivalent to the
part. The personality, the unique and peculiar
value, is certainly connected through part of its
nature with the standards of right upheld by
society. Yet it never becomes equivalent to them.
The only thing therefore that a psychological
thinker can demand is that love should not divide
the personality in any phase of a human being’s
development, but should always be its true
expression.
But only one who is ignorant of the idea of
personality can believe that the relation, into which
a person at the age of twenty puts his whole feeling,
must necessarily correspond to the needs of the
same personality as it becomes at thirty or forty.
Only one so ignorant can persuade himself that the
destiny of our love will necessarily resemble our
lofty theory of love, our pure desire of constancy.
If even our own will has little to do with the love
we feel, how much less then will it influence that
which we receive or lose!
Thus the problem of fidelity is not solved merely
by imposing the claim of constancy upon one’s
self; for in the first place, in love there are two
who must desire the same thing, and in the
second, each of these two is manifold.
No human being is sole master of his fate when
he has united it with another’s. The possibility
of becoming a complete personality in and through
love depends in half upon the pure and whole desire
of the other to share in developing the common
life.
It is this which is overlooked by the eloquent
preachers of “constancy as the expression of the
personality,” and this makes their words about
the duty of lifelong love as meaningless as a
harangue about the duty of lifelong health.
It is a beautiful sight when two married people
enjoy the happiness of their love for the whole day
of human life. It is also a beautiful sight when
life sets like a clear sun upon the horizon, and does
not lose itself like a weary river in the sand.
But these are beautiful ideals not commands of
duty.
Love, like health, can certainly be neglected or
cared for, and by good care the average length
of life both of human beings and of their loves may
be raised.
But the final causes both of love’s birth and of its
death are as mysterious as those of the origin and
cessation of life. A person can therefore no more
promise to love or not to love than he can promise
to live long. What he can promise is to take good
care of his life and of his love.
This may be done, as already pointed out,
through the conscious will to be faithful, the firm
resolve to make love a great experience.
But perhaps the majority as yet do little to
preserve their happiness. In this case, life works
for them, as God “gives to his servants, while they
sleep.”
If ever the doctrine of the importance of the
infinitely small has its application, it is in respect
to the power the little things of everyday life have
of uniting or dividing in marriage.
That hardships and memories, joys and sorrows
shared bind people together even without the
continuance of love; that in the deepest sense of
the word they cannot be separated, since a great
part of the one’s nature remains in the other’s—this
in reality forms the binding tie, but not ideas
of duty, whether clear or obscure, strict or free. If
in one case a married life has so dried up the feelings
of both that a gust of wind drives them apart like
two withered leaves, in another it may have given
the feelings such deep roots that, even if all the
leaves that the springtime gave are torn away,
even if life seems as empty and cold as naked
boughs in winter—it is still lived in common.
It is thus a physiological and psychological fact
that the man or woman who for the first time has
communicated to the other the joys of the senses
retains a power over her or him which is never
really set aside. It is even said that long after a
man’s death a woman sometimes bears children to
another man which resemble the first. As such
influences are more decided in the case of the woman,
her fidelity has also for this reason become
more of a natural necessity than man’s—although
the same influence, if in a somewhat less degree,
applies to him.
Even if no qualms of conscience for others’
sufferings are mingled with a new happiness—in
many other senses the two, who in each other seek
to forget the past of one of them, will perhaps for
ever find a third between them.
Marriage, in a word, has such sure allies in man’s
psycho-physical conditions of life that one need
not be afraid of freedom of divorce becoming
equivalent to polygamy. What this freedom
would abolish is only lifelong slavery.
It is evident to every thoughtful person that a
real sexual morality is almost impossible without
early marriage; for simply to refer the young to
abstinence as the true solution of the problem is,
as we have already maintained, a crime against
the young and against the race, a crime which
makes the primitive force of nature, the fire of life,
into a destructive element.
But the consequence of early marriages must be
free divorce.
As soon as one approaches the outer side of the
marriage problem, one is met by the experience
which the four great Norwegian writers, Ibsen,
Bjōrnson, Lie, and Kielland, some years ago
jointly and publicly announced: that at present
the majority do not marry for love. And R. L.
Stevenson may have hit the mark, when he calls
the marriages of the majority “a kind of friendship
sanctioned by the police” and compares the
“fancy” which decides them to that which sometimes
takes one for a particular fruit in a dish that
is being handed round.
But even if we one day come so far that early
love-matches are the rule, we shall still be faced,
as regards them, by the system which at present
obtains among the upper classes: that marriage is
binding upon the lovers before love is consummated.
There is therefore a truth worthy of
consideration in the words of the brothers Margueritte,
in their contribution to the question
of free divorce; that as the young girl has not
experienced what she binds herself to at marriage,
the majority of divorces begin on the wedding
night.
Free divorce is therefore an unconditional demand
of such young people who know that unforeseen
transformations may take place in the sphere
of the soul as in that of the senses, and who now
frequently seek in the secret possession of love a
security against a precipitancy which the legal
bond of marriage may make irretrievable.
The young know, if any can know, that no form
of love is more beautiful than that in which two
young people find each other so early that they
do not even know when their feeling was born, and
accompany each other through all their fortunes,
sometimes even to death—for now and then life
vouchsafes this crowning fortune. Never do
greater possibilities exist for the happiness both of
the individuals and of the race than in a love
which begins so early that the two can grow together
in a common development; when they
possess all the memories of youth as well as all the
aims of the future in common; when the shadow of
a third has never fallen across the path of either;
when their children in turn dream of the great love
they have seen radiating from their parents.
These happy ones—like the old couple in Bernard’s
fine fresco in the mairie of the Louvre
arrondissement in Paris—will one day look up to
the stars of the winter twilight, united in a more
intimate devotion than either the playtime of the
spring morning or the midday toil could afford.
If this wonderful love were really the first and
only one which fell to the lot of every young man
and woman, and were it always possible for them
to realise it at the right time—then there would
neither be a problem of morality nor of divorce.
But the youth of the present day knows that
this love is not the fortune of all. It has learned so
much, from literature, from life, from its own soul,
of the transformations of love, that one is tempted
to wish for these young people the romantic belief
of their fathers and mothers in a love which became
extinct as easily as now. The difference is
merely this, that whereas formerly they were
content with a faded glow, we will have continual
fire.
It is known now that, although youthful love
may be the surest basis of marriage, it is more
often the reverse. Here, if anywhere, is the scene
of accidents. The one we have grown up with, the
girl or youth we are thrown with just when the
erotic life is waking; the one we were teased about;
the one we hear is “in love” with us; the one we
meet when the happiness of others fills the air with
longing—these and other accidents, but not personal
choice, often decide youthful love.
Then the imagination sets to work to transform
the reality in accordance with the ideal we have
formed for ourselves—and even this is often the
result of accidental influence. It is therefore not
surprising that most people, when after ten years
or so they meet again the object of their first love,
give a sigh of gratitude to the fate which made
that love “unhappy.”
When it has not been so in the usual sense of the
word, one of the parties may often be most to be
pitied, and it is just those young people who
unhesitatingly realise their love in the belief of
its lifelong continuance, that in coercive marriage
are made the victims of their own pure will, their
healthy courage, their bright idealism.
For the younger, in the richest sense of the word,
a person is, the more certainly does he possess the
poet’s gift which transforms reality according to his
dreams. The fine curve of a pair of lips renews
the marvel of the legend: that every frog that
jumps over them is changed into a rose. Even if a
dim suspicion awakes, when every serious thought or
intimate feeling is met by empty silence or equally
empty loquacity, the imagination easily convinces
the instinct that silence means “profundity of
intelligence,” or speech “candour.” At every age,
but especially at this, love is a great superstition.
Secure as sleep-walkers in the presence of danger,
its votaries fling themselves into a decision. And
it is this simple rashness of innocence that the
current conception of morality subjects to a lifelong
punishment. The cautious ones, on the
other hand, often find in time the great rewards—thanks
to their own smaller value.
More things happen in a human life than
marriage and finally death. Much may happen
in a human soul between marriage and death.
The current assumption that everything which
separates a person from the partner in matrimony
is evil and ought to be overcome; everything which
binds him to her good and ought to be encouraged—this
is part of the wisdom which reduces life to the
simplest terms, which is cheap and therefore most
in use; for a higher wisdom demands a higher price.
Nothing is commoner, especially for the woman
whose first experience of love is in marriage, than
that she is in love with love and not her husband.
Sometimes woman is betrayed by her senses, but
more often by the morning dew of sensibility,
which youth and love spread over even the driest
of men’s souls,—a dew which disappears with the
morning. Another illusion, which in these days of
intercommunication causes many mistakes in love,
is the peculiarity of a foreign nationality, which
has the effect of a personal originality—until it
gradually betrays itself as only another kind of
conformity than that one is used to.
In other cases again, the husband is all she sees
in him. But a young woman herself often goes
through, during the years from twenty to twenty-five,
so complete a transformation of feelings and
ways of thought, that after a few years of marriage
she finds herself in the presence of a man
who is a perfect stranger to her.
This period of illusions in first youth is answered
by another towards the close of youth. If a
woman has not before experienced love, this is the
psychological moment at which almost every illusion
is possible. Her now universal demands of
love, the longing of her mature woman’s nature,
have countless times made a noble creature cast
these pearls—if not exactly as described in the
biblical image—at least into an empty space where
they have just as surely been unappreciated.
On man’s side, there are other or corresponding
possibilities that early marriage may be founded
on self-deception.
But even when love is real and well-founded,
there yet arise, from the charm of contradictions
already referred to, innumerable occasions of incurable
discord.
Thus there are natures so simple that they become
crippled, so uncomplex that they are foolish,
so homogeneous as to be heavy. These are they
who usually love once for all, with complete devotion.
But, especially when they are women,
Goethe’s words are often true of them: that a
woman’s greatest misfortune is not to be charming
when she loves. Only complete security gives
these natures the calm of equilibrium, the courage
of self-confidence, which calls forth the “smile of
inward happiness” whereby they also become
attractive. But these natures, who of all most
deserve happiness, usually meet with some person
of constantly changing moods, who reacts with
extreme sensitiveness to every impression, but
can never love deeply, and therefore is soon unable
to bear that simplicity and seriousness in
life and death which at first charmed by their
contrast.
Such people are often poets or artists, who in
love seek only constant stimulation. To them
loving means “waking in the morning with new
words on one’s lips,” and their erotic fortunes
therefore show a rapidity of revolution comparable
with that of the moons around Mars. Just as for
certain natures, a connection originally frivolous
may become permanent, held together by depth of
feeling, so for this class of natures—on account
of the superficiality of their feelings—no kind of
connection is serious.
It is not unfrequently those who give the finest
descriptions of their soulful moods and their exquisite
feelings, who in their acts of love are
narrowly selfish or relentlessly harsh. For it is
the impressions of culture stored in their intelligence
which determine their conscious utterances,
but, on the other hand, it is their subconscious ego
that decides their actions. And this ego is often
centuries behind their cultured consciousness. He,
on the other hand, who is reticent and curt of
speech or dull and awkward in manners may at
bottom possess a delicacy which he can show only
in actions, the others only in words. But unfortunately
in our time opportunities for speech are
many and for action few—and so women pass over
the latter for the former. How many a woman
has not afterwards—before some act of the man
of words—asked herself how it was possible for her
ever to love that man! How many a one, before
the actions of the silent, has not sighed, What a
pity that I was never able to love him!
But in one case as in the other, through the law
of contrasts, she was united to him and feels in
this union the death or paralysis of the best possibilities
of her being.
The most misleading of illusions are, however,
those which are fostered by the actions love
produces; for it is not these which determine the
quality of a personality. While love is fighting for
its happiness it may transform an ordinary person
into something higher than himself, as also into
something lower. When the tension is relieved,
it is seen that in the former case—especially as
regards men—love was able to
... unmake him from a common man
But not complete him to an uncommon one....
It was no organic growth of the personality,
but only a straining of self that love called forth.
But she who loved him will watch till her eyes
are weary for what she has seen but once!
Those who have loved them deeply learn from
these, in one way or another, inadequate persons
the most dearly-bought truth in the knowledge of
human nature, a truth that the heart acknowledges
last of all: that even if we poured out our own
blood in streams for any one—we could not thereby
give him a drop of richer or more noble blood
than is found in his own heart.
Many have learned this secret in that kind of
marriage, where secure friendship and faithful comradeship
abounded; just those feelings, in fact,
which are recommended as the infallible remedy
for love’s mistakes.
How often has not one of these married
people active for and with the other, found out
that they never bring their mate into spiritual
activity, that the soul of one has never reached the
soul of the other? Outside observers think them
suited like “hand in glove.” The image is significant,
for a glove is empty and meaningless when
it does not enclose a hand. But like hand to
hand they are not suited! Therefore it not unfrequently
occurs that some day one of them is
seized by a passionate longing to meet with another
hand, which shall be strongly and quietly grasped
in his own and thus double its power; that the
voice, which has continually spoken into empty
space—whence a faithful echo has unfailingly
answered—will finally be dumb from the longing
to receive an answer from another voice, in words
that were never heard before.
Not a few marriages include men who have had
such fine thoughts, dreamed such fair dreams of
woman, that they have desired to win her senses
only through her soul and have disdained to offer
her other than their best, the richest treasures of
their personality. But perhaps such a man has
a wife who understands only money-making and
desires only the pleasures of love. If he offers all
the glories of his soul, she does not even suspect
when a mood is at its height; for her silence is
never eloquent; she is incapable of waiting for
another’s thought; has no patience with what is
difficult of comprehension, and will always receive
the unusual with dull misunderstanding or gay
superiority.
The gulf perhaps began to open between them
when one became aware of the other’s absence at a
moment when he himself was most present; or
when one felt that their bodies stood between their
souls, the other that their souls stood between their
bodies; or when one felt a restriction of liberty
from the other’s superior spiritual or sensual force;
or when one found that he could never show his
innermost being without its putting the other out
of humour. Thus two persons, each one innocent,
may make each other profoundly solitary while
sharing the same bed and board. Neither receives
from the other what his innermost nature
needs—and what one gives is only a constraint
upon the other’s nature. Not a note in the soul
of one is tuned to the same pitch as the other’s; not
a movement in the blood of one is capable of
enrapturing the other’s. Now it is unbearable
dissimilarities, now unbearable similarities, that
cause the trouble; each finds in the other “all the
virtues he detests but none of the faults he loves.”
With all this, perfect outward peace may prevail;
nay, respect and devotion in a certain sense. That
this is the fortune of innumerable marriages is
overlooked in general, since married life usually
continues—unless a third appears.
In the ideas of the Church, the incapacity for
marriage of one party freed the other from the
duty of fidelity. In the more spiritual view of the
future it will be equally evident that the same
right exists to dissolve a marriage which has
remained unconsummated in a spiritual sense;
and there may be just as many possibilities of incapacity
to fulfil the spiritual claims of marriage
as there are men and women; therefore also just
as many causes of divorce.
In the preceding pages only certain typical cases
of unhappiness have been referred to. The many
tragic exceptions are here left altogether on one
side. So also are those causes of divorce which the
preachers of monogamy call the “real misfortunes”:
drunkenness, bodily cruelty, and the like; for
with the customary realism of “idealism,” they
admit these as valid reasons for divorce. It is
significant that among the lower classes people still
often think themselves bound to bear these misfortunes
as a part of the miscalculations of marriage
as unavoidable as those more complex sufferings
which the champions of monogamy exhort people
on a higher plane to endure. The pangs a soul
suffers may, they think, be borne with God’s help,
whereas unfortunately God is not in the habit of
interfering when a man beats his wife; and the
longer a soul has suffered, the more certain are they
that it can continue to suffer.
Nor do they perceive that a relationship may
have seemed good—perhaps even have been
good,—until, after a lapse of years, a moment has
arrived which has stripped the soul of one of them
naked, sometimes in all its loftiness, more often in
all its baseness. If the latter, then what was possible
before becomes from that hour unthinkable.
That the soul may be confronted by such an
alternative, of life or death, they will not admit.
The soul, they say, is “a spirit,” an “invisible and
imperishable entity.” That its conditions of life
are just as variable and complex as those of the
organism is, to a certain sort of “idealism,” meaningless.
With God’s help, they say, everyone may
save his soul. But such help is in this kind of
peril as uncertain as it is in peril of the sea—and
even in the latter case it is not “the votive tablets
of the drowned, but only those of the saved, that
one sees in the temple” (Nietzsche).
It is, however, especially when a man or woman
is divorced in order to contract a fresh marriage
that an outcry is raised over the weakness of the age
in bearing suffering. Indeed, it is not even acknowledged
that marriage may involve any suffering.
Even those who have hitherto found a
married couple extremely ill-suited, forget at once
that they did so—should either of them “allow a
third person to come between them.”
They forget not only their own former judgment
but also the fact taught by experience, that
when two married people are wholly one, there
is no room for a third between the bark and
the tree. In the contrary case, a third comes between
them sooner or later. Sometimes it is the
child, sometimes a life’s work, sometimes a new
feeling—but something always comes, thanks to
nature’s “abhorrence of a vacuum,” which is
never more fatal than in marriage. Within the
dimensions of the soul, as within those of space, no
one can take the place of another, but can occupy
only that space which another has left empty
or not been able to retain.
In the latter case it is fair to admit the indirect
share of literature in the inconsiderateness of those
without an erotic conscience. The idea of justice
in love has had to be extended. But during this
removal of the boundaries, which literature is
carrying out, a general insecurity has set in.
Poetry performs with the fullest freedom its
duty of investigating the secrets of love, according
to which souls and senses are attracted and repelled
in answer to that law of elective affinity which our
time is seeking more and more eagerly to discover,
in order to be able to direct the erotic forces to a
higher development. Literature is the foremost
of these discoverers; and this in itself is enough
to justify that complete freedom, without which,
moreover, it cannot become what Georg Brandes
has called love-poetry: the finest instrument for
gauging the strength and warmth of the emotional
life of a period.
That literature is often the power which gives
rise to erotic agitation, is self-evident. And thus
it always co-operates in some measure in the misfortunes
which are caused by loves of the imagination
or the intellect, misfortunes which are
avoided by the firm and mature personality. The
weak, on the other hand, are those who in their
loves as in their beliefs adopt the course that
another’s influence gives them.
Like lawn-tennis—which in certain circles makes
or mars marriages—love is favoured by summer
air and idleness. But at all seasons there are men
and women for whom everyone is a ball that sets
their fancy or their vanity in motion. No form
of self-assertion is more justified than that of
opposing one’s vigilance, one’s will, and one’s
dignity to this use of one’s personality. What
stimulates the game is not the power of the senses
alone. No, this game is the sole inventive faculty
of spiritual poverty, the mark of erotic ill-breeding.
Only a refined person can rejoice at the stimulants
to life in every field, the means of which he does
not himself possess. As yet few people have
attained a culture like that of the Athenian beggar,
who thanked Alcibiades for giving him the jewels
that Alcibiades indeed wore—but that the beggar
was free to rejoice at. To attain in regard to
human beings this sense of joy, free from all
covetousness, is the flower of fine breeding.
But the nervosity of the present day stimulates,
on the contrary, erotic kleptomania. People steal
one another, now from the same kind of hysteria
which makes thieves of Parisian ladies in the
fashionable stores; now from the same crudity
which makes the child pluck every flower he sees;
now from the same desire which urges the collector
constantly to acquire new specimens.
When in regard to human beings the pleasure of
the connoisseur rather than that of the collector
has been attained, then the greatest of all joys—that
of human beings in one another—will not be
so often disturbed by erotic complications. To
appeal to the liberty of the personality in frivolous
concessions to eroticism is the same gross abuse of
the idea as to use the name of this liberty in sailing
a leaky yacht in a storm.
The liberty of the personality involves great
risks to win great rewards; but it does not involve
allowing one’s self to be driven into dangers,
where for a trifle one stakes one’s own life and that
of others. To drift into relations where one has
not the hundredth part of the consent of one’s
innermost ego, is not proving but wasting one’s
personality; for every action which is less than
ourselves, degrades our personality.
Again, it may be disastrous to perform acts
greater and stronger than ourselves. He who
ventures upon an exceptional course must—like
the alpine climber—possess an abundance of
strength and the sense of security which it lends;
for otherwise, in both cases, the enterprise will
be successful only if everything occurs according
to the most favourable calculation. In an unforeseen
misadventure the inadequate ones are
those who are lost. Therefore, in one case as
in the other, public opinion is unwittingly right
when it glorifies the daring that succeeds, but
condemns that which fails.
Most people are not equal to the consequences of
their resolutions. On the contrary, like unseated
riders they are dragged by their actions through
degraded circumstances that they had not counted
upon. Thus many a pair of lovers who have
broken earlier ties, have been only a warning
example—since their action was destructive, not
enhancing to life.
Ruin may be the climax of life; but inefficiency
is always defeat; and of all the rashness of this
life, the rash project of an exceptional lot is the
saddest.
Few people who have passed their youth have
courage or strength for such new experiences as
imply a real enhancement of life. The majority
ought rather to employ their personality in the
task of worthily bearing and making the best of
their lot—and, in spite of all that is asserted to
the contrary, that is also what most people do
and will continue to do.
Those who trust only in compulsion to restrain a
man’s desire to desert his wife, forget to what a
degree spiritual influences have even now facilitated
divorce, in spite of the coercive law. One
seldom finds in our day a high-minded husband
or wife who insists on retaining the other against
his or her will, except when it is clear to one partner
that divorce, if conceded, would result in the certain
ruin of the other. As a rule it is now only the
narrow-minded or the low-minded who exercise
the right of refusing divorce. If this right were
abolished, this would not entail the abolition of the
influences which even now keep married people
together—although in most cases they might be
free if they wished it.
Those who thoughtlessly separated, when
greater facilities are given, would be the same
class of people who now, in coercive marriage,
secretly deceive one another.
To the serious, divorce will always be serious.
Before a person of feeling and thought consciously
hurts another who has loved or loves him, he
himself has suffered terrible pain. Gratitude for
a great devotion in a free connection has often
proved more powerfully binding than the law could
have been. Nay, to anyone tender of conscience
the ties formed by a free connection are stronger
than the legal ones, since in the former case he has
made a choice more decisive to his own and the
other’s personality than if he had followed law and
custom.
And even when no feelings of affection exercise
their retentive power, many people prefer to remain
as wreckage on the same shore, rather than
be washed away towards a new and uncertain fate.
Human nature is credited with far too great
simplicity and elasticity when it is taken for
granted that one experiment in life would succeed
another if divorce were free. In this case it is
life itself, not the law, which fixes the insurmountable
limits. To the deeper natures which
have broken away from a life-connection, the pain
of it has often been so great as permanently to
deaden the colours of life.
In connection with the modern demand for
exemption from motherhood we have already
rejected the expedient of securing love’s freedom
through the rearing of children by the State. At
the same time the importance and value of the
parental home was insisted upon as strongly as
possible.
Here, on the other hand, is the place to point
out the one-sidedness of the notion that nothing
is more important than that the parents should
remain together for the sake of the children—since
everything must finally depend upon how
the parents remain together and what they
become through remaining together.
The more degrading cohabitation is to the personality
of each parent the less valuable will be
the influence for the children of the parental
relation.
Only one who sees in marriage a system directly
ordained by God, a form of realisation of the
divine reason, can maintain the proposition that
in such a system the good must outweigh human
defects. Those who hold that the maintenance
of marriage is always the sound and moral course,
must take upon themselves the burden of proving
that the dull connubial habits of divided mates
are a pure source for the origin of new beings;
that their mutually conflicting influences are
better able to further the welfare of the children
than a tranquil bringing-up by one of them:
that the happiness of one of them in a new union
is more dangerous to the children than his unhappiness
in the former one.
To those, on the other hand, who hold the faith
of Life, the question of the children is always a
fresh one in every fresh divorce. Here again
we must rise to the conditional judgment, and
leave behind the chess-board morality with its
equal squares of right and wrong. The danger
to the children arising from a divorce depends on
all that has gone before and all that comes after.
He who dissolves his marriage in the face of his
inner consciousness of the harm that the children
will thereby suffer, commits a sin which will
infallibly be succeeded by the remorse that
friends are sometimes eager to adduce as
extenuating circumstances. He, on the other
hand, who “sins” with an easy conscience, has
made his choice with the welfare of the children
in one scale of the balance. This calm of conscience
is then not indifference, and, therefore,
does not prevent the possibility of his suffering
deeply through the consequences of the decision
which he nevertheless does not regret. It may
be that in most cases where there are children,
the less painful course, even for him who is most
convinced of his personal right, is to endeavour
to the utmost to preserve a common life which
allows the children to grow up under the joint
protection of a father and mother, and for the
sake of the children to give this life a worthy and
kindly character.
In former times, people mended and patched
things up endlessly. The psychologically developed
generation of the present day is more
disposed to allow what is broken to remain
broken. For, except in the cases where the cause
of rupture has been outward misunderstanding or
belated development, patched-up marriages—like
patched-up engagements—seldom prove lasting.
It has often been profound instincts that caused
the rupture; the reconciliation violated these
instincts and sooner or later such violation
revenges itself.
Thus, it happens, that even exceptional natures
have a greater burden than they can bear, and
then it is not the living together but the dying
together of their parents that the children witness.
Neither religion nor the law, neither society
nor the family, can decide what a marriage kills
in a human being or what it may be the means of
saving in him. Only he himself knows the one
and feels the other. Only he himself can determine
how far it may be possible for him to have so far
finished with his own existence that he can completely
pass into that of his children; to bear the
pain of a continued married life so that it may
enhance the powers of himself and the children.
A mother can do this oftener than a father, but
in no case is there any standard that others can
use to determine when an excess of suffering is
present. More than this, there is strictly no
suffering, but only suffering beings who in every
case create the suffering anew according to their
type of soul.
Only one thing is certain: that no one is more
outside the question than the very one who
causes the suffering. Thus nothing can be more
unreasonable than to leave to the judgment of one
of the parties the decision we have just mentioned.
The knowledge of being able to refuse a divorce
now involves want of consideration for the other’s
moods of dejection, which would never occur if
consideration were necessary to prevent separation.
Such attentions are especially significant at the
beginning of married life, when most young married
people solve the small and great problems
of accommodation with more or less difficulty.
The birth of the first child, moreover, is often
accompanied by abnormal states of feeling, which
lead to hasty conclusions as to incompatibility
and antipathy. The opponents of free divorce
think that it is just during these years that precipitate
divorces might take place. But they
do not reflect that either partner in his sense of
proprietorship now gives himself a loose rein in a
way that would be unthinkable if such security
did not exist. Thus the young certainly keep
together, but not unfrequently destroy their
finest chances of happiness. The need of mutual
caution during these dissensions should have a
much deeper influence in keeping a couple together
than has at present the knowledge that they cannot
be free. After the advent of children, the
danger is small—except in the case of heartless
natures—that a sufferer will too hastily think his
powers of endurance are exhausted. The inter-dependence
which children create between their
parents when these together care for and love
them, is sometimes indissoluble. In most cases
it is so strong as to form the real tie, without
which laws twice as strict as the present ones
would have no power to keep together two unwilling
beings.
When speaking of love’s selection, we pointed
to the signs which indicate that the feeling for
the race—the feeling which from time immemorial
has linked together man and woman at a common
hearth, has raised the altar near it and round
them both the town wall—is approaching its
renaissance. Consciousness of the children’s
rights is indubitably on the increase, together
with a knowledge of the rights of love. And
against the assaults of this most turbulent and
dangerous sea the race-feeling will continue to
stand as a wall protecting society, though in a
new form to give it new powers of resistance.
But the opponents of divorce think, on the
contrary, that the sense of happiness through the
children—especially in the case of the father—has
now become so weak that most fathers would
free themselves from all responsibility if they
only could.
If this be so, society itself is to blame. It not
only countenances sexual relations entirely independent
of the mission of the race; it frees the
man from responsibility for his illegitimate children
and thus assigns to him a standpoint below that
of the beasts. The instincts favourable to offspring,
which in animals have remained undisturbed,
cannot attain their full strength until
man is completely answerable for every life he
creates. As soon as society decrees that the fact
of two persons becoming parents makes their
union obligatory, the relationship itself will
gradually intensify their feeling and the man will
wish to possess and preserve the elements of joy
for which he must always bear the burdens.
Even if man’s fatherly feelings should be slow in
awaking—and if a number of fathers of the
present day should thus really avail themselves
of free divorce to leave wife and child—there are
still the mothers, who do not, as a rule, lightly
leave their children, but who, on the contrary,
now suffer the deepest misfortunes and renounce
the greatest happiness so as to remain with them,
and who—even if they tear themselves from them—are
hardly ever able to release themselves.
When the law gives to every mother the rights
which now only the unmarried mother possesses,
but imposes at the same time on every father the
obligations which now only the married have—then
it may be that the child will become a new
and more valuable possession in the eyes of the
man. If he only feels the influence he may obtain
through his wife’s respect for his fatherly qualities;
if his importance in the child’s existence comes
to depend on personal force, not on legal might,
then the quality of fatherhood may be in a high
degree ennobled. And with this affection will
grow, according to the immutable law, that the
more man gives, the more he loves.
If matriarchy, in a new form, refined by the
whole of development, should become the final
phase—as in the opinion of many it has been the
starting-point—of the family, then this would
involve that paternal authority became conditional,
depending on the value and warmth of
the paternal feeling. At present many fathers
are merely an accident in their children’s life, an
accident which never even looks “like an idea.”
And this is not only true of those fathers who,
with the support of the law, withdraw themselves
from all responsibility, but also of many others,
especially of those who are driven by work or
public business and who remain inwardly strangers
to their children.
For the present, it may be regarded as certain
that free divorce would, above all, afford this
advantage, that a number of wives, who now keep
broken-down husbands, could work for food for
their children instead of for liquor for the children’s
father; and that a number of mothers, who now
are obliged for the sake of their children to suffer
the deepest humiliation, would be able to free
themselves; and in both cases the children would
gain. On the other hand, the father who took
advantage of free divorce to desert his family for
frivolous reasons might, as a rule, be easily spared
by that family.
In most cases, the children are even better off
through a divorce, when the cause of it is differences
of temperament and opinion between the parents.
Each of them separately may be a person of merit.
When they separate on the ground of dissension,
both have a sense of something to atone for with
the children. This prompts them to try to make
amends, and thus the children receive—from each
separately—far more than they did when the
parents were united, when the children were
witnesses to their conflicts and saw the worse
side of the nature of each. The children are
spared the pain of being the subject of their
father’s and mother’s quarrels; of being compelled
to take the part of one of them; of being
torn between two diverse wills, between the jealous
endeavours of each to win them exclusively.
They, in part, avoid being brought up from two
different, mutually-counteracting points of view,
where one is trying to take away from the children
the ideas that the other has given them.
But of all this the opponents of divorce take
no account. The main thing is that the parents
shall keep together, however chill or dark with
thunder may be the air in which the children
grow up.
This point of view misses the reality as much as
that of those who call for divorce as soon as love is
over. Keeping together may, in certain cases,
give the children a happier and richer childhood
than the state of things after a divorce. It
has been maintained with reason that discord
between the parents is sometimes compensated
for by the value of the manly nature of the one
and the womanly nature of the other, which—even
if they do not co-operate—still work well side by
side; and that children who, through dissensions
at home, have early been forced to think and
choose for themselves, often become stronger
characters than those who have grown up in
happy homes.
While, on the one hand, we hear children
whose parents have separated complain that they
did not have the patience to remain together, on
the other we hear those who have grown up in
unhappy homes regret the continuance of their
parents’ married life. If this had been dissolved,
the children might have had at least one good
home, perhaps two, whereas now they have none.
But, of course, each one can know only what
he has suffered from a series of events, not what
he might have suffered if circumstances had been
different; and thus the children’s opinion cannot
in either case be regarded as decisive, when laying
down the principle.
The experience, therefore, which we have, of
the position of children whom death has deprived
of their father is more important. While the
widower, as a rule, marries again, if his children
are small, the widow, in most cases, remains
unmarried. And it may be regarded as certain
that statistics of able men would give a remarkable
result in respect of the sons of widows.
A divorce often puts the child in a corresponding
position of tenderness and responsibility towards
his mother. But while society bows to the
“stern necessity” of a single battle making more
children fatherless than the divorces of a generation—and
calmly relies on the mothers’ ability
by themselves to make good citizens of their sons—it
shrinks from the same stern necessity when
it is a question of saving a living person from
lifelong unhappiness.
The children’s chief danger in a divorce is that
they are often divided between father and mother
and thus lose in part the companionship of brothers
and sisters which is so eminently productive of
happiness. Next to this, the greatest misfortune
is not that the father and mother no longer live
under the same roof, but that they are no longer
able to meet. This misfortune could often be
avoided, if friends and relations would refrain
from the pleasure of deciding how the divorced
couple ought to hate and variously torment each
other. If people saw the merit of two human
beings—who were able to separate as friends and
to meet again as such—being also capable of this;
if the presence of either parent with the children
never led to their being influenced to the detriment
of the absent one—then children, even
after a divorce, would not feel the want of their
essential relation to both their parents. Now,
on the other hand, divided as they often are
between two mutually hostile parents, separated
thus from each other and—lacking common
memories and other ties to bind them—gradually
becoming strangers to each other when they meet,
the children lose so much by a divorce, that
parents in most cases can gain nothing which
makes up for the losses of the children and thus
prefer to bear the burdens of living together
rather than lay those of divorce upon the children.
In the question of divorce also, the great fundamental
idea of protestantism must be applied in
the recognition of the individual’s full freedom of
choice, since no case can be decided generally, and
since here also the right and wrong can only be
discovered through the searching of each individual
conscience.
A child has often—in moments of great crisis—blocked
the way which led from the door of the
home. But the home within that door did not
for that reason become brighter or warmer for
the child.
In the preceding, the position of the children in
divorce has been considered from the point of
view of discord between the parents. If, on the
other hand, the divorce is brought about by a
new feeling on the part of one of them, then this
father or mother must be prepared one day—when
the children can understand them—to justify
the step by showing them how the new love has
made him or her a richer and greater personality.
The children have a full right not to be sacrificed
to the degradation of their parents. In every
case, the children are the most incorruptible
judges of their parents.
But the fact that a person has already brought
children into the world does not give to these
children an unconditional right to demand that
a father or mother shall sacrifice the love that
may advance themselves, and through them the
race, to which they may thus give more excellent
children or more excellent works than they have
been able to produce hitherto. Many a woman
has borne children to her husband without having
seen her child; many a man has given the community
his industry but never his work—until
great love accomplished their innermost longing
and the child or the work that was thus created
became the only one indispensable to the race.
The claim of society that a father or mother,
radiant with possibilities of happiness, shall sacrifice
these for the sake of the children, will be
reduced when the sense of the value of life has
grown and the duty of parents to live for their
children is more often interpreted to mean that
they must continue to be fully alive, with powers
of renewal. On the other hand, this very rejuvenation
of parents at the present day may often
result in their living so rich a life together with
their children that they will need no other renewal
than that which is most productive of happiness
to all parties; namely, to enjoy their “second
springtime” in the children’s first.
If, on the contrary, the result of this prolonged
youth of the parents is that a father or mother
changes the course of his or her life, then the
children must suffer—until they can understand
that perhaps in a deeper sense they do not suffer
thereby. Sometimes the new partner has exercised
a richer influence on the children than their
own father or mother—as may also be the case
with a step-father or step-mother. At present,
however, this possibility is often destroyed by
the common opinion just alluded to, which also
decides that the children ought to hate, where,
if left to themselves, they would perhaps have
learned to love.
The selfish demand of grown-up children that
the life of their parents shall in and with them
have reached its climax and be personally concluded,
is as cruel as it is unjustified, since there
are souls which do not lose their blossom when
the fruit appears, but are able at the same time
to bear both fruit and new blossom. Children
receive with life a right to the conditions which
may make them fully fit for life; no less than
this, but at the same time no more. What their
parents may be willing to sacrifice of their own
lives beyond this must be reckoned to their
generosity, not their duty.
If great love may thus be admitted to possess
a right superior to that of the children, the
question obviously arises, how is this love to be
distinguished from the accidental?
A mistake is already a hard thing in a marriage
where there are children, for the obstacles that
have to be surmounted in such a case are so
serious that only great love can overcome them—that
is, if the parents are such that they really
mean anything at all to their children.
It is precisely by its genesis, in despite of all
obstacles, that the predestined love often reveals
its nature and thus becomes what is called
“criminal.” Even if those who are possessed by
this emotion allow duty to interpose oceans
between them, they will, nevertheless, come
together in every great moment of their lives until
the last, convinced that
“his kiss was on her lips before she was born.”
When people have acquired more knowledge
of the laws of psychology, they will discover, as
Edward Carpenter has said, that there is also an
astronomy in the world of emotion; that inter-dependence
arises there also, in obedience to
eternal laws; sympathies and antipathies which
keep all the “heavenly bodies” at the right
distance or proximity; that thus the path of love
follows an equally irresistible necessity as the
orbit of a star and is equally impossible to determine
by any influences outside its own laws.
And without doubt there will some day be discovered
a telescope for this field also, which will
at last reveal to the short-sighted the fixed stars,
planets, nebulæ, and comets of erotic space, and
will prove that its constellations are ordered by
a higher law than that of “crude instinct.” But
until we attain this astronomical certainty we
must be content with the degree of knowledge
that art criticism can give.
Great love, like a great artist, has its style.
Whatever subject the latter may handle, whatever
medium he may use, he gives to the canvas
or the marble, the paper or the metal, the impress
of his hand, and this reveals itself in the smallest
thing he has created. So in every age and every
country, every class and every time of life, great
love is one and the same; its signs are unmistakable,
though the fortune it leads to and the
individuals on whom it sets its mark may in one
case be more important than in another.
But this mighty emotion—which arouses one’s
whole being through another’s and gives one’s
whole being rest in another’s—this emotion seizes
a man without asking whether he is bound or
free. He who feels strongly and wholly enough
need never wonder what it is he feels: it is the
feeble emotion that is doubtful to itself. Nor
does he who feels strongly enough ever ask himself
whether he has a right to his feeling. He is so
exalted by his love, that he knows he is thus
exalting the life of mankind. It is the minor,
partial passions that a person already bound feels
with good reason to be “criminal.” For him, on
the other hand, who would call his great emotion
a sinful infatuation, a shameless egoism, a bestial
instinct, one who loves thus has nothing but a
smile of pity. He knows that he would commit
a sin in killing his love, just as he would in murdering
his child. He knows that his love has
once more made him good as in his childhood’s
prayers to God, and rich as one for whom the
gates of paradise are opened anew.
Art is interpreting a universal experience when
it always depicts Adam and Eve as young when
they are driven out of Eden. One wonders that
no artist has shown them—at a maturer age—outside
the walls of paradise, tormented by the
sense of now possessing wisdom enough to preserve
the happiness for which in youth they only possessed
the means.
For there not unfrequently arrives a time in
human life when enlightenment enters before
coldness has set in; when the blossoms are still
rich although the fruits have already begun to
mature. It is then that great happiness is often
seen for an instant and then disappears. Sometimes
she is never seen, for she comes softly and—like
a playmate—lays a hand over one’s eyes,
asking: Who am I? One guesses wrongly and
happiness is gone before one can bid her stay.
To her favourites only does she come with her
hands full and open. To the majority the words
of the dying Hebbel are true: We human beings
lack either the cup or the wine.
Love’s deepest tragedy is that a number of
people have first to learn through their mistakes
before their souls and senses are ready for the
great love which of two beings makes one more
perfect.
In poetry as in life it is sometimes the first love,
sometimes the last, that is extolled as the strongest.
Neither need be, and either may be, this. The
strongest love is that which—at whatever age it
comes—most takes up all the forces of personality.
It also sometimes happens that not until a
person ought to have done with love, is he really
ready for it. The fewer are then the chances of
finding the love he wishes to give and receive.
And fewer still the chances that he can give himself
up to them, with the concurrence of his whole
being.
For it is one thing to have the right to one’s
great emotion; another to have the right or the
possibility of one’s full happiness.
Love may be never so free in its social aspect;
no freedom of morals or of divorce can release the
sons of men from the inevitable sufferings of
their own nature, nor from the inevitable conflicts
of their connection with the past. These sufferings
and conflicts have been made so deep by life
itself that there is indeed no necessity for the law
to make them deeper.
The most usual form of the conflict is that a
person is bound by or broken by casual love—whether
wedded or free—when the predestined
intervenes in his existence.
That so many more unhappy marriages continue
than are dissolved may be due less to a
sense of duty than to the fact that only a few
are capable of great emotions. Peer Gynt’s
symbol—the bulb—illustrates the erotic nature
of the majority. It flowers as readily in sand as
in water, in the open as in a pot. But should
an acorn be planted in a pot, it is inevitable—on
account of the vital conditions of the oak—that
it should one day burst its prison or die.
And in such a case, it is unfortunate when a
Christian ethical view stands in the way of
serious and genuine chances of so renewing life
that it may be more valuable to the community
as well as to the individual himself. People who
are equipped with rich possibilities still allow
themselves to be decided by unconditional consideration
for others’ feelings, which, taken from
Christianity, have been grafted even on evolutionism,
and which, especially through George
Eliot, have obtained their great but one-sided
expression.
That the race not only needs people willing to
lose their lives in order to gain them, but also
people with courage to sacrifice others in order
to win their own—this is a truth which nevertheless
must be indissolubly bound up with an
evolutionist view of life, to which the will to
preserve and enhance one’s own existence is a
duty as undeniable as that of preserving and
enhancing the lives of others by self-sacrifice.
To have the courage of one’s happiness, to be
able to bear the pain inseparable from a rupture
without pangs of conscience, is only in the power
of those who act from their innermost necessity.
That pairs of lovers outside the law now so often
commit suicide together is no proof of the overmastering
power of love; it rather proves the
powerlessness of their emotion to dare and win
the right of direct and immediate living and thus
increasing the riches of life. For it is only to a
love that is throughout a will to live that circumstances
become as wax in the artist’s hand.
From the point of view of the religion of Life
this impotence is regrettable, just as much as
secret adultery. Doubtless both may possess the
beauty of a great love-tragedy. Probably no one
who has read the Inferno wished Francesca
strength to reject the love of Paolo. And so
strangely does a soul find the way home to itself,
that there are cases where a person in adultery
feels himself purified from the defilement of
marriage—since he thus for the first time
experiences the unity of soul and senses which
was his dream of love from the beginning.
But even in these exceptional cases—so much
the more, therefore, in others—the secret transgression,
which the older morality found comparatively
innocuous, is from the point of view of
the new morality greater than the open rupture.
For the personality is humiliated by the duplicity
and the weakness whereby one avoids the responsibility
of the consequences of one’s actions.
And this, moreover, decreases the life-value of love
to the race. New experiments in life, which are
made openly, which enhance the strength of the
individual through conflict and earnestness, may
possess an importance for the personality itself
and for society which secret transgressions in
most cases lack.
A poet or an artist, for example, has a wife, as
to whose insufficiency for him all are agreed—so
long as he still has her. Suddenly he finds the
space, that was empty and waste, filled by a
new creation; the air becomes alive with songs and
visions. He not only feels his slumbering powers
awake, he knows that great love has called up in
him powers he had never suspected; he sees that
now he will be able to accomplish what he could
never have done before. He follows the life-will
of his love, and he does right. Marriages
kept inviolable have doubtless produced many
great advantages to culture. But it is not to
them that art and poetry owe their greatest debt
of gratitude. Without “unhappy” or “criminal”
love, the world’s creations of beauty would
at this moment be not only infinitely fewer, but,
above all, infinitely poorer. Nay, after such an
exclusion the whole spiritual world might appear
as some mediæval church, decorated from floor
to roof with frescoes, appeared after the whitewashing
of the Reformation.
But in a choice such as we have just mentioned,
public opinion is always certain that the sufferings
of the wife, unimportant as she is to the community,
are the great thing, while those of the man,
important to the community, may be disregarded.
He, however, who experiences the new spring
which flowers in song, in tones, in colours, raises
the life of generation after generation, centuries
after the one person or the few who suffered
through him have long ceased to suffer.
Who would have gained what the race would
have lost through his self-sacrifice? Not the
wife, if she had a heart, and not only a pride,
which could suffer.
Not only from the point of view of universal,
but from that of individual life-enhancement,
we ought not to give all our sympathy to the one
who is called “heart-broken.” Why is the heart
that is broken considered so much more valuable
than the one or the two which must cause the pain
lest they themselves perish? And why will people
not see that he who is looked upon as “broken-hearted”
sometimes finds a new and richer happiness?
But, above all, why is it constantly
forgotten that one who suffers through sorrow
often becomes greater than he could ever have
been in the secure possession of his “property”?
There are other ways of living on a great
emotion than that of being in the usual sense
made happy by it.
This must, however, be remembered above all
by him who, already tied, is seized by a new feeling.
If all three parties are high-minded enough,
it has sometimes happened that the feeling has
been transformed into an amitié amoureuse,
which has made all of them richer and none of
them unhappy—even if it has made none of them
completely happy.
But even under other circumstances people
ought to remember, that one does not always own
what one has—and sometimes possesses most
surely what one has never owned.
The sanctity and loftiness of one’s own feeling
is the indestructible part of happiness in love.
No longer to be able to love is the greatest sorrow.
But a person no more becomes less worthy of
love because his own love is dead, than he becomes
so through leaving love unrequited.
Therefore, he alone can feel himself really
ruined who has been nothing but the means of
another’s pleasure or sport, development or work;
a means that is cast off when it no longer affords
enjoyment or profit. The person who is thus
betrayed in love, either because love never existed
or because its past existence is denied; who sees
the personality he loved unveiled as another than
he believed himself to be loving—this person must
exert his whole soul to save it from being narrowed,
embittered, and destroyed. All other
great blows of fate may be borne in such a way
that a man grows by them: but to lose faith in
a human being is the greatest pain of all, since
it is also the most unfruitful; since it in no respect
enlarges the soul or enhances the existence.
But even from this suffering the soul may
finally raise itself through the consciousness that
it has too great a value of its own to allow itself
to be destroyed by the baseness or pettiness of
another. Only he who has fought out the battle
alone in all the horrors of the desert night knows
what the sunrise is. Years later it may fall to the
lot of such a man, who at one blow has lost everything—the
sanctity of his memories, the meaning
of his experiences, the faith of his love—himself
to see the truth of the great, calm thinker’s
exhortation: that one ought neither to laugh nor
weep at, exalt nor curse a human being’s actions,
but only to try to understand them (Spinoza).
And then there begins for him a great and difficult
work, which perhaps will last as long as life
lasts, the work of looking into the depths of this
other soul; of again reviewing the past in the
perspective of distance; of perceiving his own
limitations as well as those of the other, and thus
beginning to understand. This is the only forgiveness
there is.
But thus a person once dead and buried in the
midst of life may finally see the grass grow green
and the sun shine over his grave.
If this can become true—and it has become
true for many people whom others regarded as
broken-hearted—how much more then is it not
true to him who has once been really rich and
has never been robbed of his greatest treasure,
the glory of his own love?
A woman, for example, who for years of her
life has possessed complete happiness and through
this has become a mother—will she be robbed
of it all, if this happiness comes to an end?
There is still the happiness of others to serve,
the sufferings of others to alleviate, the great
ends of humanity to further. To many a one
who has never even had a happiness of his own
this must still be sufficient consolation. But we
judge of happiness as of wealth. That innumerable
human beings daily perish from want makes
little impression on us. But if one of our friends
falls from riches into poverty, this seems to us
dreadful. We forget that he may perhaps,
through poverty, attain a development that
riches never won for him; that he who is robbed
by fortune may make a new position for himself.
Life has countless possibilities as well as countless
contradictions. It is full of secret remedial
powers as well as of hidden causes of death.
And, finally, it is, therefore, very uncertain
whether it is not the two who come together that
are “torn asunder”—while the one abandoned
remains whole.
For loving is a healing medicine even for the
wounds love gives. Only one thing a loving
person cannot bear, to see the dear ones suffer.
To take one’s self silently away in order to spare
them pain is within the power of great love. And
this does not mean a tame resignation watering
the red stream of the blood. It means that love
has become so great that it takes seriously the
great words so lightly uttered in happiness, that
torments caused by the beloved were dearer than
joys given by others. When love has become
the power in which a person lives and moves and
has his being, the words of the Epistle to the
Corinthians on love are fulfilled in a more beautiful
way than Paul dreamed of. Great love does not
only love for the sake of loving; it attains the
incredible: to love the loved one more than one’s
own feeling. If it were a question of thus providing
for the other a more perfect happiness,
this love would be able to quench its own flame
and with it the fulness of pain and of joy that
life had gained from this feeling. Women sometimes
make such a sacrifice. Here and there a
man has been capable of it. But he who has
attained to this height of emotion lives so wonderful
a life that the happiness the united couple
create for each other must be extraordinarily
great if these two rich ones are not in reality to
be the poorer.
When the thought has once become inherent in
mankind that no one can be happy without the
feeling that he is making others happy; that
only the highest development of one’s own feeling
is imperishable happiness; that all other happiness
is charity, not justice—then there will be fewer
torn asunder, even if there be no more happy
ones.
But love is still such, men, women, and the
people around them are still such, that one would
rather wish a tied man or woman strength to
endure marriage than to break it, at least if they
have children who must share with them the
unknown fortunes of their love. Before these, if
ever, one feels the meaning of the Breton fisher’s
song:
... la mer est grande et ma barque est petite ...
How often has not the little boat, fraught with
life’s last riches, been lost on the wide sea?
But therefore it is that no one there seeks
his pleasure, but only his life.
That our actions in the erotic sphere—as in
every other—must call forth the criticism of
others is just as unavoidable as that our figure
should be reflected in a mirror as we pass. But
public opinion is a convex mirror, a globe swollen
by prejudice, which distorts the image. Only a
clear and calm soul gives a true picture of another’s
actions.
And to such a soul, it will not unfrequently be
apparent that the “transgression” was right for
one nature and not for the other. The latter will
have felt that its innermost being would have
been outraged if fidelity to the past had not been
preserved to the uttermost—and will have chosen
to allow its erotic powers to wither and to live
only by the will of duty. Of this kind of self-immolation
the same is true as of its bodily
counterpart: sometimes they are great souls,
sometimes great cowards. Nay, the same sacrifice
may be sublime at one period of our lives and
shameful at another.
Life never shows us “marriage,” but countless
different marriages; never “love,” but countless
lovers. He who sets up an ideal in these matters
must, therefore, be content with possibly working
for the future, but should not use his ideal as a
criterion for the present. Nay, he ought not even
to desire in the future the sole authority of his
own ideal—since a descent from the diverse to
the uniform would be a retrogressive development.
The effort of society to press into a single ideal
form life’s infinite multitude of different cases
under the same circumstances or of the same
cases under different circumstances, the same influences
on different personalities or the same
personalities under different influences—this has
been in the field of sexual morality as violent
a proceeding as would be the establishment for
all figures of Polycletus’s canon of beauty. The
madness of the latter proceeding would be obvious.
But violence to souls is not so obvious. Therefore
it is always established by law.
Not until the diversity of souls becomes in our
ideas a truth as real as the diversity of our bodies
shall we perceive that of all dogmas monogamy
has been that which has claimed most human
sacrifices. It will one day be admitted that the
auto-da-fés of marriage have been just as valueless
to true morality as those of religion were to the
true faith.
The Grand Inquisitors of the past probably
resembled those of the present day in that,
when confronted by a particular case within the
circle of their own friends and relations, they
found easily enough extenuating circumstances
which they did not otherwise admit. But we
must learn to see that every case is a separate
case and that, therefore, sometimes a new rule—not
only an exception to an old rule—becomes
necessary. We cannot any longer maintain this
double standard for known or unknown, for
friends or enemies, for literature or life. It must
be abolished by an earnest desire for genuine
morality.
This double standard shows us, however, that
even among the orthodox of monogamy the
impossibility of carrying out a monogamous
morality which shall apply to all is beginning to
be perceived. But the effort, nevertheless, to
attain in some degree the impossible now stands
in the way of the possible, which is germinating
here and there: the attainment of the morality
of love.
Although the new life is already showing its
strength—like spring flowers that push their way
through last year’s carpet of dead foliage—the
withered leaves must yet be cleared away.7 And
only they who do not perceive the power of the
new spring are afraid that the earth will not be
able to dispense with its withered protection.