In an elegant room, the floor of which was
covered with clean white matting, while the
furniture, consisting principally of a divan or
sofa, mirrors, pictures, couches, Japan tables,
and large porcelain vases, was of a superior
description, cross-legged on the divan, eating
sweetmeats from a small silver saucer, richly
chased, which he held in his hand, sat a young
man, of less than the ordinary stature, with a
countenance that seemed possessed of a perpetual
melancholy. He was dressed with the
most studied effect. He wore a robe of dark
rich silk, and over it a vest of delicate blue
satin, beautifully figured. Upon his head,
which was shaved, with the exception of a
long lock of hair that hung from the crown
over the shoulder, was a small black cap of fine
felt, with the brim turned up, and the crown,
of a conical shape, covered with a fringe of
scarlet silk, having a peculiar button in front.
Below wide trowsers were seen stockings of
silk, remarkably thin, having their feet cased in
small slippers of embroidered satin; and round
his waist was a girdle, drawn very tight, to
which was appended a small gold case, a purse,
and a pouch of silk. Opposite to him sat Oriel
Porphyry and Zabra, in their usual dresses,
also eating sweetmeats from similar saucers.
“What an ineffable felicity I enjoy in being
able to speak your language,” observed the
young Chinese.
“I have no doubt you find it an advantage
in your communication with foreigners,” replied
the merchant’s son.
“An advantage!” exclaimed the other rapturously.
“By the great Fo, ’tis the most
superlative of enjoyments. I bless the gods
that my mother was an Anglo-Indian, and that
she conferred on me the exquisite gratifications
arising from proficiency in the use of her language.
My father passed a great portion of
his life in India, and acquired a facility in
its pronunciation which is rarely obtained by
a Chinese; so that I was born with extraordinary
advantages.”
“You were fortunate, certainly,” added
Oriel.
“Fortunate! By the immaculate tail of
Confucius, I was favoured beyond all experience,”
cried his host.
There being nothing more to say on that
subject, at least so the young merchant thought,
he inquired—“Your father, I suppose, will be
here shortly?”
“He is paying his devotions at the neighbouring
temple. Long Chi enjoys a religious
reputation, and he loves the society of holy
men. But I was telling you of the indescribable
happiness I possess in having acquired a
proficiency in my mother tongue,” added Long
Chi the younger. “I am blest with a poetic
genius.”
“Indeed!” exclaimed Zabra, with some
surprise.
“Wonderful as it may appear, the fact is
what I have stated,” replied the young poet,
putting down the silver saucer on a small japanned
table before him, and opening the pouch
at his side, from which he took a bundle of
papers. “I may say that my compositions
have attracted an extraordinary degree of attention
in the world of letters. They are considered
phenomena in literature, I assure you.
Do not imagine I wish to overrate their value.
I should not think of such a thing for the
thousandth part of a moment; and to prove
this to you, allow me to enrapture you with
some of my effusions.”
“Certainly,” said Oriel, expecting at least
to be amused.
“The effort of a profound sublimity I am
about to breathe into your enlightened ears,
you will have the intellectual discrimination to
observe, is a perfect specimen of the true Anglian
pastoral,” remarked Long Chi. “It has
been created by that etherial sense of delicious
enjoyment which your ancient poets called love.
She for whose immaculate glorification it was
called into existence, is a combination of miraculous
excellencies—an incarnation of inconceivable
perfections; and therefore your superior
sagacities must not deem it at all more than
ordinary extraordinary, if the merits of this
indestructible conception fill you with a ravishing
amazement.”
“From what you have said I should expect
something particularly clever,” observed Zabra,
evidently considerably amused by the poet’s
phraseology.
“Clever!” exclaimed the young Chinese,
with emphatic fervour. “By the great Fo you
will find it supernaturally perfect.” Then arranging
a rumple in his vest, and taking a glance
of satisfaction at the reflection of his person in
a large mirror beside him, with a slow and
careful enunciation of each word, and a peculiar
wave of the hand to mark the measure, the
melancholy poet read the following verses:—
“Have you seen my Fee Fo Fum,
Tell me did she this way come?
She it is of whom I speak
Hath a pink on either cheek;
In the middle of her face
Is a flower of nameless grace,
Which the name of nose hath known,
And blooms the brightest when ’tis blown.
And her eyes are garden plots
Filled with young forget-me-nots,
That by lovers’ eyes are found
Flow’ring all the seasons round.
Shepherds did she this way come?
Have you seen my Fee Fo Fum?
“If below her nose you look,
There’s a little rosy nook;
Two twin buds half open ask,
Smiling, for some fondling task,
While within, in each row,
The lilies of the valley grow.
Just beneath them both begins
The blossom of the best of chins;
Fair and round, and smooth as silk,
And like a peach fresh bathed in milk.
Shepherds, did she this way come?
Have you seen my Fee Fo Fum?
“Breast of mutton, breast of veal,
All your merits now conceal;
What can ye afford to taste
Half so pleasant, half so chaste,
As the dainty bits that lie
Hid from epicurean eye?
What to them compared are ye,
Calipash and calipee?
Go! the sweeter flesh I’ve known
Wants no sauce to coax it down.
Shepherds, did she this way come?
Have you seen my Fee Fo Fum?
“She of whom I’m in pursuit
Hath to these a foot ‘to boot;’
Such a foot! ’tis like a rose,
Budding out with five small toes.
Calf’s foot, likened as a treat,
To a jelly it would beat:
She hath two—but my regard
Makes each foot excel a yard—
Go any lengths it might reveal,
Save when she turns upon her heel.
Shepherds, did she this way come?
Have you seen my Fee Fo Fum?”
“It certainly is a superlative composition,”
remarked Zabra, attempting to conceal a laugh.
“I can safely say I never heard any thing
like it,” added Oriel in a similar tone.
“I entertained an incipient conviction that
you would find it marvellously admirable,” replied
the poet, elevating his head, and stroking
his mustachios. “’Tis ineffably divine, is it
not?”
“Beautiful!” exclaimed both, looking at
each other with a smile of peculiar meaning.
“Beautiful!” echoed Long Chi, raising his
voice and eyebrows. “By the invulnerable
tail of Confucius, ’tis something for which a
name cannot be found. But exquisitely perfect
as it may be, here is a production that excels
it in the very unapproachableness of its excellence.”
While the two friends listened with admirable
patience, the young Chinese unfolded
another paper, and read with the same gravity
these lines:—
“When first we met ’twas in the spring,
When dicky birds begin to sing,
When nature dishes up her greens
To make removes for rural scenes;
And teaches, with unaltered brows,
When trees take leaf, to make their boughs;
Then first I met thee passing by,
Then first I had thee—in my eye.
“When next we met ’twas summer time,
When trees, well loaded, seemed to prime;
And other plants just taking root,
Meaning no harm, began to shoot;
When beans their hollow ‘shells’ would doff,
And marrow fats were going off;
Then first our hearts were growing warm,
Then first I had thee—arm in arm.
“’Twas autumn when we met again,
When sunshine parched the peas and plain;
When plums are blooming on the wall,
And into flour would gladly fall;
When apples are to fritters torn,
And earth’s square feet feel many a corn:
Then first did I forget my fears,
Then first I had thee—box my ears.
“I saw thee last when winter, nice
In eating, loves to have his ice;
When ‘cold without’ comes near and far,
And all his sweetmeats frosted are,
To ballot when the white balls roll
Unask’d for, hastening to the poll:
Then first I ‘broke the ice,’ and then
Was I the happiest of men.”
“That exceeds the last certainly,” said Oriel
Porphyry, amused with the perfect gravity with
which the poet read his verses.
“It appears to me quite a new style of
poetry,” remarked Zabra, with as much seriousness
as he could assume.
“Unquestionably! it is novel in the novelest
degree,” replied Long Chi, smiling with all the
graciousness of gratified vanity. “I may with
the most complete justice lay claim to be the
origin in which originated its originality. I
have studied sublimity. By the great Fo, I may
say that; and I have found the sublime in every
individual natural thing that is in nature; but
in cookery and confectionary it predominates,
as must be evident to the inquisitive investigation
of any man of taste. It is the opinion of
the most discriminative judges, that no writer
of serious poetry can compete with me.”
“In that opinion every one must coincide,”
observed Zabra.
“There can be no question on the subject,”
added Oriel.
“Who shall say you are barbarians, when
you exhibit such a superabundant knowledge
of the beautiful?” exclaimed the Chinese, with
all the energy he could assume. “I am immeasurably
enraptured to notice such an admirable
judgment; and, as an additional proof
of the satisfaction I receive from your friendly
attention, I will still, to a much more infinite
extent, delight your auditory nerves with one
of the most serious of my efforts in serious
poetry. Mark the true sublime; mark it well,
and see how splendidly it agrees with the magnificent
subject. It is an ode to a sugarplum.”
The poet unfolded another paper; and the
young merchant shrugged up his shoulders, as
he heard its contents read with the same tone
and manner as its predecessors.
“How shall I grasp a subject so immense?
No power of human sense,
Not all the vast
Ideas within the Present and the Past—
Not algebra’s most unknown quantity could give the sum
Of greatness in a sugar plum!
“What with its sweetness can compete?
How much it beats the beet!
Shall manna dare,
Wanting in manners, with it to compare?
And honey’s linked sweetness, long drawn out, is all a hum,
’Tis nothing to a sugar plum!
“Who can deny the sense of truth
It gives the tongue of youth?
It hath the praise
Of being always candied in its ways,
And stops the carping critic’s mouth till he becometh dumb,
Delighted with a sugar plum!
“Comfit, come fit my mouth, and I
In thy sweet praise will try
My hand at feet,
With anxious aim to make the metre meet,
Till Arabic, or any other diff’rent sort of gum,
Shall water for a sugar plum.
“Muse, if thy musings can prevail,
I’ll at it tooth and nail;
I have no nerves
Of taste for syrups, jellies, or preserves;
Oh, let them go to pot, say I, as so much worthless scum,
They cannot make a sugar plum.
“Bull’s eyes may stick within the shop,
And so may lollapop,
Elecampane
Unsucked within its bottles may remain;
And barley sugar, brandy balls, or even balls of rum,
I’d spurn to get a sugar plum.
“Plums from the trees I do not find
So plummy to my mind;
Orleans or egg
Unnoticed for my patronage may beg;
And damsons may be da—; ah, I’m in a passion, I say mum,
I’ll swear not for a sugar plum.”
“You excel yourself, sir,” said Oriel Porphyry,
with something of sarcasm in the tone
of his voice, arising, perhaps, from his becoming
a little out of patience.
“By the unsophisticated tail of Confucius,
you may say that,” replied the poet with the
same seriousness he had from the first evinced.
“Having, in so unutterable a manner, obtained
the precedency of my promiscuous cotemporaries,
I had no alternative but to enter into
competition with myself. That I have to so
wonderful an extent exceeded my own super-excellence,
therefore, cannot be considered
strange; but, as you are evidently gratified
in a manner perfectly unparalleled by the unimaginable
superiority of my poetic genius, I
will show my consideration of your admirable
sagacity by enrapturing you still more completely
by a more transcendental attempt at
the sublime;” and the young Chinese began
unfolding another paper.
“Not now, I’m very much obliged to you,”
said Oriel, rising as if to depart. “I have
business of importance that requires my immediate
attendance; and, having waited for Long
Chi so long, I am afraid I cannot protract my
visit.”
“Not to be ravished by the immortal praises
of the adorable Fee Fo Fum?” exclaimed the
melancholy poet in the utmost astonishment.
“I cannot allow myself that pleasure at present,”
said the merchant’s son, courteously, yet
looking as if he was impatient to be gone.
“I’ve written an indestructible epos in fifty
cantos, descriptive of all her beauties, with a
due regard of anatomy. I’ll read you the
whole of it, if you will stay,” added the lover.
“I’m infinitely thankful; but my time is
precious,” observed Oriel, making rapid strides
to the door.
“I will enrapture you with a thousand
hexameters declaratory of my incommunicable
affections,” shouted the prolific versifier.
“Good morning to you, Long Chi,” exclaimed
Oriel Porphyry, as he opened the door,
evidently very desirous of making his escape.
He was on the point of leaving the room, accompanied
by Zabra, when he was stopped in
his progress by the appearance of a stout elderly
Chinese, wearing the appearance of profound
gravity. No sooner had he entered, than
the poet shuffled his papers hastily into his
pouch, jumped off the divan, and approached
the stranger with looks of veneration and awe.
“Father, here are the barbarians you expected,”
said he. The ceremony of introduction
was soon over; the two friends returned
to their seats; and old Long Chi, seating himself
cross-legged on the divan, commenced a
conversation with his visitors, while his son
remained standing beside him in respectful
attention. He was dressed in a fashion somewhat
similar to that of the younger Chinese;
but the materials were not so gay, nor were
they formed with so much neatness; and he
wore boots of black satin instead of slippers,
and a short cloak of fine cloth trimmed with
fur.
“I have been sacrificing at the temple,
which has detained me longer than I anticipated,”
said Long Chi the elder. “But religion
is the first concern of life. Nothing
should stand in the way of religion. The
Bonzes are the only teachers of truth; and
the worship of Fo is the only way that leads
to virtue.”
Neither Zabra nor his patron attempted to
dispute this doctrine.
“I have been reading, father,” falteringly
uttered the poet—“I have been reading——”
“Hold your tongue, Long Chi,” exclaimed
his parent sharply.
“Father, I obey,” murmured the obedient
youth.
“Obedience is the first of virtues, and duty
to parents the first of all obedience,” remarked
the old man, with a tone that seemed to his son
more infallible than the sentence. “Children,
obey your parents, saith our religion; and if
they are disobedient we give them a touch of
the bamboo.” The poet at this moment looked
remarkably grave. “Subjects, obey your
rulers, saith the law; and if we become unruly
we get a touch of the bamboo.” And the
father looked as grave as his son.
“That is, I suppose, what is called being
bamboo-zled,” observed Oriel Porphyry with a
smile.
“It is no laughing matter to us, I can assure
you,” added the old man feelingly; “but
it is a fine thing for children. Our religion
says, Spare the bamboo, and spoil the child:
and I’m attentive to religion.”
“I wish it said, Spoil the bamboo, and——”
“Hold your tongue, Long Chi!” thundered
out the parent.
“Father, I obey,” tremblingly replied the
son.
“The bastinado is the best thing in the world
for children,” continued the elder, frowning
upon his offspring. “We are obliged to provide
for their bodies, and it is but proper we
should do what we can for their soles. When
a schism occurs in the family, I always punish
it in that way.”
“Then it becomes a sole-cism,” added the
young man, sorrowfully.
The old Chinese snatched up a heavy bamboo
cane with which he had been walking, and
swung it furiously round his head, with the intention
of dealing a severe blow upon the poet’s
shoulders, but the lover of the adorable Fee Fo
Fum jumped out of the way with more agility
than submission, and the blow chipped off a
corner of the japanned table.
“Is this the way you show your obedience,
you undutiful wretch?” shouted Long Chi, as
he jumped off the divan, in a rage after the
offender. “Where’s your religion? Where’s
your duty to parents? Spare the bamboo and
spoil the child! Come and be bastinadoed, you
ungrateful youth!” So saying, he waddled after
his son as rapidly as he could, making desperate
attempts to knock him down; but as Long Chi
the younger not only was not so dutiful as to
wait to be bastinadoed, but jumped out of the
way of the blows as fast as they were aimed at
him, Long Chi the elder, much fatigued by
his exertions, at last returned to the divan, after
having afforded infinite diversion to his visitors.
“I wonder the roof doesn’t fall in and cover
you, you unnatural offspring!” exclaimed the
father, shaking the bamboo at his son, who stood
trembling at a respectful distance; then wiping
the perspiration from his shaven crown, he
added, addressing the young friends, and the
poet, by turns, “You are shocked, no doubt,
at this instance of youthful depravity—Oh the
graceless scoundrel! to run away from his affectionate
father, who was going to beat him
black and blue!—But I am happy to say, that
there are few children in China so indifferent
to the mild virtues of paternal government.—Come
here, and let me knock your undutiful
head into a thousand pieces, you vagabond!—It
is a sad thing, I acknowledge, for the father of
a family, who is anxious to bring up a child in
the way it should go, to find it so insensible of
his loving-kindness.—Oh, if I had you near
enough, I’d smash you into a custard, you
graceless varlet!—but you see a parent’s heart
is always overflowing with natural affection for
his own flesh and blood.—By the great Fo, I
should be delighted to bastinado you within an
inch of your life!—Religion and morality, in
these atheistical times, are thought nothing of
by some children.—Haven’t I brought you up,
you heathen! on purpose to knock you down?—But
this isn’t the worst of it—they have become
rank republicans. They have no proper
notion of law, order, or government. When
the father takes to his bamboo, the son takes to
his heels—abominable rebel!—and when one
flies in a passion the other flies in his face—unparalleled
traitor!”
The entrance of servants, announcing that
dinner was ready, put an end to the altercation;
and Long Chi the elder, with much suavity,
pressed his visitors to remain his guests for the
remainder of the day; which invitation Oriel
Porphyry, imagining that he should be free from
all persecution from the rhyming propensities
of his host’s son, and expecting some amusement
from the peculiarities of the two, forgot his engagements,
and agreed to prolong his visit.
Long Chi the elder then took one hand of each
of his guests in his own and proceeded with
them into a handsome apartment, furnished in
a style similar to the one they had left. In the
centre was a small low table, having four seats
or cushions at its sides. The father and son sat
opposite each other, cross-legged: and their
visitors sat as comfortably as they could, facing
each other, at the other sides of the table. Before
each was placed three elegant porcelain
saucers, one containing soy, another a small
quantity of vinegar, and the other was empty;
and, beside these, were two little ivory sticks.
The other part of the table was covered with
similar porcelain saucers, filled with various
specimens of Chinese cookery in fish, flesh, and
fowl, cut small; and servants handed round these
with dishes of vegetables, such as cabbages,
cucumbers, rice, and cauliflowers; and pastry
of many different kinds, as they were directed
by the host.
Both Oriel and Zabra watched with considerable
surprise the two Chinese take the
little ivory sticks in the three first fingers of the
right hand, and, placing the head forward, and
opening the mouth wide, dip them in the
saucers, catching up pieces of flesh, which they
flavoured with the vinegar, and dexterously flinging
them into their mouths; and repeating the
process so rapidly, that the eye could scarcely
follow their movements. The guests attempted
the same manœuvres; but, as may easily be
imagined, they were not so successful: for one
piece that went into the mouth, a dozen went
out; and, rapidly as the different saucers were
handed to them, by the desire of the master of
the house, they found that their appetites were
not in any thing like the same degree becoming
satisfied. Pieces of silver paper were frequently
placed near them, with which they as frequently
wiped their mouths and fingers, and not before
such an operation was required; for their awkward
attempts at imitating their entertainers
occasioned them to deposit on their persons a
considerable portion of the gravy or sauces in
which the meat was dressed. Old Long Chi
was indefatigable in endeavouring to make his
visiters taste the contents of every saucer upon
the table; in which effort they would gladly have
seconded him, had their ability kept pace with
their inclinations; but, to their exceeding disappointment,
they found that the more they
tried the less they swallowed; and, although
they dipped their sticks and bobbed their heads
after the savoury viands as they dropped from
their treacherous hold, they had the mortification
of finding, when the saucers were cleared away,
that they were left in the enjoyment of quite
as much appetite as they possessed when they
first sat down to dinner.
Several kinds of soups were now brought
on table, in curious boat-shaped vessels of
porcelain; and with these, to the great gratification
of the guests, appeared ivory spoons.
Every one of the soups was tasted; and gladly
would Oriel have made use of his spoon upon
the more substantial cookeries that had been
carried away: but he saw no more of them;
and, the table having been cleared of the soups,
fruits, and preserves, with glasses of a spirit made
from rice were handed round. At this time,
Long Chi the elder bent his head reverentially,
and said, in a fervent manner, and with an
audible voice,
“Grant, O Fo, that the good things thou
hast so bountifully provided for us do not
interfere with our digestion, or trouble us with
apoplexy!” and left the apartment to change
his dress; soon after which the guests, preceded
by the younger Long Chi, returned to
the saloon, where they partook of tea and
sweetmeats.
“Now that the old boy has gone,” said the
melancholy poet, as soon as he had seated
himself on the divan, “I will give you the
felicitous gratification of hearing the perusal of
my great epic in praise of the adorable Fee Fo
Fum.”
“Not for the world!” exclaimed Oriel Porphyry,
with remarkable emphasis; “I would
not trouble you on any account.”
“Trouble!” cried the lover, as he commenced
searching in his pouch; “by the
inconceivable tail of Confucius, ’tis to me the
most superlatively exquisite of extraordinary
gratifications; and, when you come to entertain
a proper consciousness of the inestimable treasures
of intellectual greatness, which I have
lavished with so profuse a liberality for the
purpose of giving immortality to the unrivalled
attractions of the adorable Fee Fo Fum, you
will acknowledge, with that profound sagacity
which you have already evinced by your commendation
of my incorruptible effusions, that
the particular portions of the diurnal revolution
you have passed in obtaining an adequate
knowledge of its innumerable excellences, has
appeared to you to proceed with such an agreeable
velocity, that you cannot, with any particular
positiveness, assert that you have, during
that period, been in a state which is vulgarly
called existence.”
“There is no doubt of it,” replied Oriel, with
considerable uneasiness, as he observed his tormentor
unfolding a paper for perusal; “but I
can only enjoy such things at certain periods;
and at present I am positive that the merits
of your productions would be entirely lost upon
me.”
“By the great Fo, impossible!” exclaimed
the poet. “In what corner of the world hides
the wretch so lost to every noble feeling—so
lost to every sense of excellence—so inhuman,
unnatural, and preposterously ignorant—as to
listen to the incorruptible wisdom with which I
can enlighten him, and not become transported
into the very heaven of heavens?”
“You have already enlightened us to an
extent as far as our limited intellects allow us
to be enlightened by such productions as those
you have read,” observed Zabra, with an earnest
attempt to be serious; “and it would be only
throwing away the talents you possess on persons
utterly incompetent to appreciate their
merits, if you continue the perusal of your
effusions.”
“All imaginary,” said the persevering versifier;
“and you will forget it in your sense of
the sublime which must be excited by hearing
the perusal of the following passage.” Long
Chi the younger had opened his manuscript,
had made a preparatory flourish of his hand,
and had commenced some description, with the
ordinary exclamation, “Oh!” when, happening
to cast his eye towards the door, he encountered
the frowning visage of his father. His hand
dropped from its elevation: he quickly whipped
his papers into his pouch, and jumped off the
divan, with a celerity particularly acceptable to
Zabra and his companion.
Old Long Chi appeared in a dress much
more splendid than the one he had previously
worn; and, gravely fixing himself in the seat his
son had vacated, he commenced a conversation
upon the business and voyage of his guests.
Old Long Chi was a merchant of considerable
experience and great wealth, with whom Master
Porphyry had long had commercial dealings.
He was remarkable for a profound gravity, a
pair of moustachios the points of which
descended to his chin, and a tail of hair which
was the admiration of all his countrymen.
Although he had passed the early part of his
life in India, and had married an Anglo-Indian,
on his return, like all Chinese, he continued
the customs of his country, and gloried in its
fancied superiority over the rest of the world.
He had always been distinguished as a severe
moralist. He seemed desirous of acquiring the
praise of the Bonzes for the regularity of his
attendance at the temples; and sought to be
respected in society for the liberality of his
contributions towards religious objects. Oriel
and he were a considerable time agreeing about
some merchandise that both had to barter;
during which the melancholy poet stood at a
respectful distance, looking at his parent, and
then at the bamboo, with more dread than
affection; while Zabra amused himself by taking
notice of the scene before him.
“You have not seen much of our incomparable
country, I suppose?” inquired the old
man as he sipped a strong infusion of the tea
leaf from a beautiful porcelain cup.
“I have only landed this morning,” replied
his guest.
“Ah! then you have much to see,” added
the other. “It is the most ancient government
under the sun; and such a government! such
laws, such institutions, and such a religion!
The Emperor is quite a father to his subjects.”
“With the bamboo, father?” asked his son
tremblingly.
“Hold you tongue, Long Chi!” bawled out
the old man.
“Father, I obey!” murmured the youth
submissively.
“Are the laws mild in their operation?”
inquired Zabra.
“Remarkably so,” replied Long Chi the
elder. “When punishment is inflicted, it is
done on the most humane principles: you
may get bastinadoed till you faint with pain;
and then you will get bastinadoed till you
recover.”
“How very paternal!” exclaimed the young
Long Chi emphatically.
“Silence, Long Chi!” shouted the old man.
“Father, I obey!” said his obedient son.
Both Zabra and his patron seemed much
amused by this description of the mildness of
the Chinese laws; but, fearing, if he pressed the
subject much farther, the bamboo might come
into operation in the domestic sovereignty with
a similar character, Oriel Porphyry said,—
“I was much surprised with the great variety
of dishes that appeared at dinner.”
“Our preparations for the table are endless,”
responded his host. “In our cookery books we
have fifty different ways of dressing dogs’ ears.”
“I could find a way of dressing dogs’ ears in
any book,” muttered the melancholy poet at a
distance.
“I’ll give yours a dressing, you puppy! if
you don’t hold your tongue,” bawled his father.
“Dogs’ ears!” exclaimed Zabra in surprise:
“we had none to-day, had we?”
“We had six different varieties, of each of
which you partook,” replied the other.
“Bah!” said Oriel Porphyry, with a countenance
expressing any thing but pleasure.
“But that was not the only delicacy brought
on table,” continued the old man. “You
seemed particularly to enjoy a fricassee of the
rats of Loo Choo.”
“Rats! we haven’t been eating rats, surely?”
demanded Zabra, as if horrorstruck at the idea.
“And you swallowed nearly the whole of
the soup made from the large slugs of Japan!”
he added.
“Ugh!” exclaimed both his visiters in a
breath, looking in the highest degree disgusted
at the idea of such fare.
“It is dangerous,” said the melancholy poet,
gravely, “to load either the stomach or your
arms with slugs; especially——” He was not
allowed time to finish the sentence; for, seeing
his father snatch up the dreaded bamboo, and
spring off the divan towards him, with a look
threatening utter extermination, he dived under
a table, leaped over an ottoman, dodged round
several vases, and then rapidly made his exit
out at the door, closely pursued by his parent;
and their visiters, fancying that they had had
quite enough of Chinese hospitality, hastened
their departure.
They were proceeding through the narrow
streets of Canton, bounded by the gloomy walls
that shut out the houses from public view, experiencing
some very disagreeable sensations,
when they heard a violent altercation, and
thought they distinguished voices familiar to
them. They listened.
“Oh! oh! oh! This is not arguing logically.
Oh! oh! This is demonstration without
reason. Oh! oh! oh!” was heard amid a
shower of blows.
“Oh! oh! you’re breaking my back—don’t
you see! Ah! murder! help!” was shouted
with similar accompaniments; and a door in the
wall opening, out ran Fortyfolios and Tourniquet,
making a desperate outcry, and vainly
striving to save themselves from the thick sticks
of half a dozen infuriated Chinese, who were
belabouring them without mercy. Oriel, as soon
as he saw the state of the case, rushed in
amongst the attacking party; quickly deprived
one of his weapon, and laid about him with
such dexterity and vigour, that three out of the
six were left senseless on the ground, and the
rest had vanished before the philosophers discovered
to whom they were indebted for their
rescue.
“I am astonished that I should have found
you in such a situation,” remarked the young
merchant to the professor and his companion,
who, with most rueful visages, were busily engaged
in rubbing their legs, shoulders, arms,
and backs.
“Why, I will explain it to you as logically
as I can,” said Fortyfolios, moving his features
and body into an abundance of contortions.
“Oh, this pain! it certainly is a physical evil.”
“That I deny!” eagerly exclaimed the other,
writhing from the effects of his beating. “Pain
is a perception of the mind, and cannot exist
independently of mental perceptions—don’t
you see?”
“Impossible!” replied the professor, limping
along as if every bone in his body was broken.
“I maintain that it is a sensation purely corporeal,
as there never yet was any pain where
there was no body.”
“You know nothing about it,” sharply rejoined
the doctor, cautiously feeling with his
hands to discover his fractures. “There is
mental anguish, in which the physical has no
connection—don’t you see?”
“But, gentlemen, what has this argument to
do with the information I required?” asked the
young merchant.
“I was about to enter into the subject in a
proper manner, when Doctor Tourniquet interrupted
me,” observed Fortyfolios.
“I deny that!” eagerly exclaimed the surgeon.
“Doctor Tourniquet, you ought to be
ashamed of yourself!” said the professor, assuming
all his dignity.
“I deny that!” repeated the pertinacious
disputant.
“Doctor, you are more than usually disputative,”
remarked Zabra.
“I deny that!” continued he: and it now
became evident to Oriel Porphyry and his
young friend, that both the professor and the
doctor were exhilarated into a state nearly approaching
intoxication.
“Demonstration! demonstration! Give me
accurate demonstration: I’ll not be convinced
without it—don’t you see?” said the surgeon.
“Argument is thrown away upon you: you
are unreasonable, illogical, and inconvincible,”
muttered the other.
“Prove it! prove it! Give me the proof
positive—let me behold the proof circumstantial,”
exclaimed his antagonist.
“Doctor Tourniquet, I beg you’ll be silent,”
said the young merchant, in a tone that admitted
of no dispute; and the doctor seemed
only anxious to discover the extent of the
hurts he had received. “And now, Professor
Fortyfolios,” he continued, “you can proceed.”
“To come to a proper understanding of the
case, you must be made aware that we left the
Albatross on purpose to see whatever was
worthy of observation in the city,” observed
the professor; “and, as I possessed a letter of
introduction to a Columbian resident, there we
first proceeded. We were heartily welcomed,
and treated with a national hospitality; and
were shown several remarkable things, of which
the world will hear at a fitting opportunity. In
returning from a place we had visited together,
our friend suddenly left us to talk to some acquaintance
he saw at the end of the street; and
we thought we saw him go into a house, where
we knocked. We were admitted; and I began
explaining to the fellows, by whom we were
immediately surrounded, that I desired to see
my friend; but, without the slightest attempt
at argument, the unreasonable brutes commenced
beating us with heavy cudgels, till
they were dispersed by your appearance.”
“Let us see if I have killed these poor
wretches,” said Oriel, turning back to the place
where he had left the three prostrate Chinese;
but, to his great astonishment, and to the
amazement of his companions, not a trace of
either of them was to be seen. The dead men
had taken advantage of their enemy being at a
distance to scamper off from the field of battle
as fast as their legs could carry them; and
when the conqueror came to examine the
destruction he had committed, he had the
mortification of discovering that his triumph
might take same note of “the missing,” but the
number of killed and wounded was not so easily
ascertained.