"Thou Who hast Thyself
Endured this fleshhood—knowing how, as a soaked
And sucking vesture, it can drag us down
And choke us in the melancholy Deep—
Sustain me, that with Thee I walk these waves
Resisting! Breathe me upward, Thou in me
Aspiring, Who art the Way, the Truth, the Life!—
That no truth henceforth seem indifferent,
No way to truth laborious, and no life—
Not even this life I live—intolerable!"
"Aurora Leigh."
In the grounds at Merlebank there stood a pretty little
log-hut, fantastically built, and divided within into two rooms.
It had been the work of one of Mr. Britton's summer
holidays many years ago, and had been specially built for the
children. At first they had played in it incessantly, had
learnt a fair amount of cookery with the help of the little
stove in the outer room, and had found the place invaluable
in all adventuring games wherein desert islands figured.
But now they had rather outgrown this sort of thing, and
"Mavis Hut," as it was called, served only for refreshments
at garden-parties, for a convenient place to keep the
lawn-tennis box, and occasionally for church decorations.
On the afternoon after the discussion with Carlo, Kate
happened to be arranging the church vases in the inner
room of Mavis Hut. She had been round the garden
gathering the wet flowers, had taken all she wanted from the
greenhouses, and now sat comfortably down to her work at
the rough, wooden table, with the brass vases and the lovely
red and white flowers all ready to hand.
She felt still a little sore at the implied rebuke in Carlo's
words that morning, but she was too good and well-meaning
to blind herself to the truth. He had given her, whether
consciously or unconsciously, a home-thrust; and Kate,
though she disliked him in consequence, fully admitted the
justice of the remarks as applied to herself. She sighed a
little as she arranged her vases, then finding her own
failings no very pleasant study, she turned her thoughts back
to Carlo himself. He puzzled her more and more, but though
she would have liked to think him conceited, or priggish, or
hypocritical, she could not do so; the worst she could say of
him was that he was living a worthless life, and that he was
an inconsistent sort of man. His absence of self-consciousness
appealed to her strongly, however, because it was
incomprehensible to her; and, though persuading herself that
she despised and disliked him, she knew all the time in her
secret heart that this was largely owing to her own perversity.
The sun had been shining brightly a few minutes before,
but as Kate arranged her flowers she noticed that the
summer-house grew dark, and was not surprised to hear before
long a steady downpour of rain.
"I daresay it will be over before I have finished," she
thought to herself, and was going on with her work when,
to her surprise, the door of the hut was opened, and Carlo
walked into the outer room, evidently seeking shelter from
the rain.
"What a bother!" thought Kate. "But, after all, though
I can see him through this crack in the woodwork, he can't
see me. I don't think I shall let him know I am here; he
would interrupt me, and perhaps talk again as he did this
morning—and, besides, I dislike him!"
Hardly had she taken her resolution, when once more
the outer door opened, and Francesca hurried in, wet and
flushed.
"You here!" she exclaimed, in a voice so startled that
Kate's attention was instantly arrested.
Carlo had been standing at one of the little lattice
windows, watching the torrents of rain. She had not
perceived him till she had closed the door behind her. He
turned instantly. There was no time for thought. It was
impossible that any recollection of Captain Britton or Anita
should cloud that perfect moment. He was only conscious
of two things—that Francesca was present, and that there
was no longer the dreary necessity of behaving as though
their love was non-existent.
"Carina! Carina mia!" he cried, crossing the hut at
lightning speed; and the next moment Francesca was
clasped in his arms.
All had passed so quickly that there had been no chance
for poor Kate to make her presence known, and she sat now
in the inner room petrified with astonishment. Her first
thought was one of indignation, but when she saw that
Francesca clung to her lover, sobbing pitifully, her heart
was touched; and though she told herself that she "distinctly
disapproved of this sort of nonsense," she began to
see that there must be something in the past of her cousin
and Signor Donati of which she was unaware,—probably
an undeclared love-story, well known to her father. What
so likely as that he should have interested himself in the
young Italian on this account, and himself have hastened
Francesca's visit in the hope that the barrier between
them—whatever it might be—would be removed?
All this flashed through Kate's mind as she watched the
two who stood but a few paces from her, and heard with
unwilling ears the mingled love and grief so little intended
for any outsider. Yet what could she do? To leave the
summer-house she must pass through the room in which
they were talking—must not only put an end to the
interview, but embarrass them past bearing.
Again, if she even moved a muscle, Carlo with his
preternaturally sharp hearing, would certainly notice it: she
did not dare even to raise her hands to stop her ears, lest
he should overhear the movement; and so in sore vexation
she remained an unwilling spectator of all that passed.
True, when they spoke low and fast in Italian, she could
not always follow them, but very often they would suddenly
relapse into English, and then every syllable could be
heard through the thin wooden partition.
"Tell me," said Carlo, when, after a time, they sat down
on the rustic seat at the other end of the hut, Francesca's
head drawn close down on his shoulder,—"tell me, darling,
this one thing. Why did your father wish you to leave home?
Mr. Britton showed me your letter to him, and you said——"
"Well, I didn't mean to have told you," said Francesca,
breaking in quickly; "but it was this, Carlino. Count
Carossa—the man who took Villa Bruno, you know—made
father an offer of marriage for me, and that, of course, had
to be declined, though father was vexed, and really wanted
me to accept him. Then I had to speak, for I was afraid
we should be constantly having such troubles; so I told him
that though, of course, I would always obey him, and would
consider my betrothal with you at an end, yet there was an
inner sense in which it could never end for me, and I said
all I dared to him about the future, yet could not move him.
He doesn't see what a false position it puts me in—how
hard it is to go out into the world, and keep people at a
distance without being rude or prudish. Even Enrico Ritter
at first was angry with me, because he thought I ought to
have been able to freeze away the stupid men who will
crowd round one at parties. Enrico is very good to me
now, though; he is the one man worth speaking to in
Naples, because he tells me when he has heard from you,
and if you are well."
"He writes to tell me when he has seen you," said Carlo.
"It is only such a pity," continued Francesca, "that he is
not Italian instead of German; then perhaps he would be
a better talker and tell me more about you. He somehow
gets in so little and stumbles so, and it is just as if I were
starving and he were doling me out crumbs instead of bits
of bread."
"It is a shame to abuse the dear old fellow," said Carlo,
smiling; "yet that is just what I have felt all these months
with his letters. Perhaps, after weeks of waiting, I get one
very long, very clever, very philosophical, and then in the
postscript he will remark, 'Miss Britton is all right; I saw
her in the English Church on Sunday.' Not another
word! If only Enrico could know what it means to be in
love! And yet such crumbs are better than nothing. And
he is the best and truest of friends."
"Yes; there is something so staunch and faithful about
him. Oh! he has been so good to me, especially once at a
ball when we overheard some wretches talking about you,
and saying such horrid things of you."
"What sort of things?"
"Oh, I can't tell you—hateful things about your reasons
for going on the stage. You see people can't understand
the real reason, and so I suppose they try to invent one. I
can't think, Carlo mio, how you bear it so patiently; how
you could let Kate lecture you this morning about your
useless life, and never get even a little bit angry. You
wouldn't have done it a year ago."
"I am growing old, you see," he answered, smiling, "and
that was nothing—nothing at all. I am a little sorry that
I shock her, but you see it is inevitable."
"And your sister, what of her? Are you happier about
her? Have you learnt to understand each other better?"
He sighed.
"It is uphill work. Did you know that Comerio followed
us to England?"
"No, Enrico never told me that; I suppose he thought I
should not know anything about such a bad character."
"He came to London when we were there in the winter.
That has been the hardest part of it all; for I was
beginning to knock up then, and all the time there was the
horrible feeling that he was hovering over me like a vulture,
only waiting for me to fall that he might pounce down."
"That was what made you struggle on through that last
opera," said Francesca, wiping away her tears; "Harry told
me all about it the other day. But what happened? Did
he take your place?"
Carlo sighed an assent.
"He is there now."
"How hard it must have been for you to be helpless!
What torture to have to lie there ill and think about it all!"
"Yes; it was hard till one remembered that of course it
must be all right, and then it was a great comfort to be able
to try to get well. Besides, I have a great hope that Nita's
little boy will prove a safeguard to her; she begins really
to care for him. My one fear is that Comerio may manage
to get round Merlino and induce him not to renew his
contract with me in the summer. I know he will move heaven
and earth to go to America with the troupe and to get me
turned off."
"And Signor Merlino? What is he like? Do you dislike
him so much as when you first saw him?"
"Do you know I have really grown fond of him. He is
tyrannical, and has a bad temper, but I believe he honestly
lives up to his lights. Now and then one gets out of heart
with the whole concern, and then Merlino seems intolerable,
but that has never been more than a passing mood with me."
"And you don't think stage life so black as it is painted
by my father, for instance?"
"No, I do not," said Carlo; "it is less morally trying
than I fancied, but more physically tiring. However, I
shall be well set up after this long rest. I have written to
propose going back at the end of next week, or, if it fits in
with their arrangements, on the following Monday."
"So soon," said Francesca, with a little sob. "Oh,
Carlino, I don't think you are strong enough; and it seems
such a miserable, wandering life for you."
"All life without you, carina, must be hard," he said,
stroking the crisp, brown hair from her forehead tenderly;
"my only comfort is in hoping and fighting for Nita's safety.
You must not think of the mere discomforts of the life—they
are nothing—less than nothing. Indeed, I frankly tell
you that never have I suffered so terribly as in this idle
time, with everything so comfortable and luxurious all
round. It seemed impossible to be willing to live without
you, to endure this separation any longer. But, then, no
impossible order is ever given except by bad generals—there
is comfort in that. It is not impossible, carina, and it
must be done."
"But I—I only have to stay at home; I can't even watch
you fighting," sobbed Francesca. "That was always the
fate of women. I have the wretched, easy life, and can only
wonder and wonder what is happening to you. Oh, it is so
hard! so hard!"
"Yes," he said; "it is the hardest lot. Yet, my own, you
told me to go out; and even if you asked me, which I know
you never would do, I could not now turn back."
"Of course not," she said, eagerly; "you will go on, and
in the end right must win. Perhaps they will no longer care
for each other, or perhaps,—indeed, I try not to wish it
exactly—Comerio might die, or——"
"Don't let us try to look on," said Carlo, with a shudder.
"God helping me, I'll be faithful to death, but I can't
manage more than a day at a time. And see, my own, the sun
is shining again and the rain over. It is hard to say it, but
I don't think we have any business to stay here longer.
Your father might justly complain, and we will not give him
cause to do that."
She clung to him, while her tears rained down. Kate
could not see her face, but the sunlight fell full upon his,
revealing plainly the terrible struggle he was passing through.
It was all she could do to keep from sobbing when this man,
whom she had disliked, and half despised,—this man, whose
life she had compared to the barren fig-tree, began to speak.
"See, carina," he said, falling back to his native language,
and speaking with the direct simplicity which is as rare as it
is attractive; "God is so just—so fair—don't you think He
must be nearest those who suffer? We have to be separated,
darling, but yet there is compensation for us both. We can
surely trust Him with our lives—yes, and delight in that!"
"But I can't help being afraid for you," she sobbed; "you
are so far away, and how can I tell what may be happening
when that bad man hates you so, and wants to get rid of you?"
"Yet it is often when we fear most that we learn not to fear,"
he said. "Oh, I remember so well the first time that came
to me! I was about Gigi's age; it was at the time of one of
the earthquake panics, and I remember waking in an awful
fright and trembling at the darkness and loneliness, then
finding that there was One nearer than my mother, and that
the house might fall or be swallowed up, yet He would be
with us."
What followed was inaudible to Kate, but presently through
her tears she saw that after a long embrace they parted, that
he held the door open for Francesca, and let her pass out into
the sunshine alone, then shut himself in once more, and began
to pace to and fro in agitation which alarmed her.
She saw how strong a restraint he must have put on himself
while Francesca was present, but now the limits of endurance
seemed to be passed; he could but let his wild grief drive
him as it would. Kate held her breath for awe while he
paced to and fro, pausing for a while with a groan, and
resting his head on his upraised hands as they clutched for
support at the rough, wooden wall, then once more pacing the
little room faster and yet faster, till with a stifled cry he threw
himself down on the ground, and broke into passionate sobbing
and tears.
The waiting seemed terribly long to her; she tried not to
look at him, and fixed her eyes on the red and white flowers in
the altar-vases, but still each stifled sob fell on her ear; and
she, who had ever deemed herself a model of self-control,
found her tears streaming down merely for sympathy. She
had never seen a man cry before; indeed, she had cherished
the idea, common to most girls, that men never do cry. The
sight frightened her; it moved her strangely, and the relief
was indescribable when at last he grew calmer.
Presently, with intervals between, came broken snatches
of prayer, spoken always in Italian.
"My God! it must be that since Thou hast shown me Thy
will Thou wilt give me strength to do it."
* * * * * *
"I know that Thou art stronger than these fiends that tear
me."
* * * * * *
"If I could but feel Thee near all would be light, but I am
in darkness and torment—past feeling—past thinking."
* * * * * *
"Yet the darkness is no darkness to Thee. Suffer me not
to be false and selfish—a coward—a recreant!"
Again, after a long pause, the stillness of the hut was
broken, but there was the dawning now of hope and triumph
in his tone.
"My Lord, I thank Thee that Thou wert no passionless
angel here, but a man—a man tempted as I am tempted.
By Thy victory, by Thy faith, by Thy perfect love, oh, Christ,
save me now!"
Kate waited in cramped, painful stillness, half fearing, half
hoping to hear more; but he did not say another word, and
after a time rose to his feet, and crossed the hut to look at
the weather. The sun was shining brightly; he stood by the
window for some minutes, apparently in deep thought; then,
with a sigh, glanced lingeringly round the little room, arranged
his manifold wraps in the Italian fashion against which Kate
had been wont to inveigh, and left the summer-house.
When his footsteps had died away in the distance Kate
snatched up her vases and fled. School hours were not yet
ended, and it was almost an unheard-of thing for her to go
to the schoolroom during the younger girls' lessons; but she
felt that for this Clare would forgive a breach of rules, and
went boldly in with her request.
"Clare," she said, breathlessly, "will you spare me ten
minutes for something that will not wait?"
Miss Claremont looked up in surprise, but one glance at
Kate's face was enough for her; she rose directly, gave two
or three brief directions to Molly and Flo, and followed Kate
to her bedroom. As a girl, Kate had worshipped Miss
Claremont; but she was now just at the time when the stage
of worshipping one's elders and betters is ended, and the
stage of friendship with them has hardly begun: there had
been something not exactly amounting to a coolness between
them for the last two years; but Clare, though she was human
enough to be a little grieved, had understood it all perfectly
and knew that in time Kate would need her again, and would
fall back into the old loving confidence, with the friendship
of a woman substituted for the extravagant worship of a
girl.
"You are in trouble, dear?" she asked, sitting down on
the sofa, with that air of being perfectly at leisure and not
in the least hurried which was peculiar to her.
Not without many tears Kate told her story.
"And, oh, what can I do?" she sobbed. "I have been
an eavesdropper against my will; but what ought I to do?"
"The whole story is such a complete surprise to me,"
said Clare, slowly. "You must leave me a minute or two
to think. Poor children! poor children! It was natural
enough! I wonder the thought never crossed my mind; but
somehow I had always fancied quite a different love-story for
Francesca, and I suppose that blinded me."
"I know what you are thinking of," said Kate. "I, too,
thought that she and Harry cared for each other; and I used
to be so jealous because he liked to be with her better than
with me. Don't you remember that summer long ago, when
you first came to live here?"
"Yes, I remember well," said Clare. "I suppose on his
side it was a mere passing fancy, and on hers genuine cousinly
liking, for she is exactly the same with him now. You
understood that she had actually been betrothed to Carlo?"
"She said so, distinctly. I think it must have been at the
time he went on the stage, and that must clearly have been
to save his sister from this Comerio. Oh, Clare! the horrible
part to me is that I've misjudged him so cruelly! I can never
forgive myself."
"I suspected from the first that it was in order to be with
his sister that he took to the stage," said Clare. "But I little
thought what he had had to give up."
"Oh, if you could have seen him!" said poor Kate, crying
anew at the recollection of the scene she had witnessed. "It
was so terrible I can never forget it—I can never be the same
again! I used to think it grand to be above that sort of
thing, but I never knew till now what love meant."
Clare was not sorry that Kate's theories as to the depravity
of man were annihilated. She let her talk on, putting in a
sympathetic word now and then.
"I can't think how he can have helped hating me when I
lectured him on things I knew nothing about, and told him he
was like Nero, and talked just as if my life were perfection
and his life useless."
"There is no pain so sharp as to find that we have
misjudged another," said Clare; "and have blamed them when
rather they should have been honored and revered. But a
sharp lesson like this stamps 'Judge not' on one's heart as
nothing else can: it is a lesson we most of us have had to
learn, dear."
"You don't think we ought to tell them that I was in the
hut?"
"No; that could only make you all three very uncomfortable.
I think you acted for the best in a very difficult position,
and Carlo and Francesca may just as well keep all the comfort
they can from that one interview; but I think it may be
well to let your father know that we know."
"There can be no doubt that he must have learnt the story
at Naples," said Kate. "I should like him to know about
this afternoon, it will make me feel less of a hypocrite; but I
wish you would tell him, Clare."
"I will, if you like, dear," she answered.
"And do come down quickly to afternoon tea, for I don't
know how I shall meet them as if nothing had happened,"
said Kate.
"We will be quite punctual," replied Clare. "But I would
not dread it too much; such things pass off more easily than
you would fancy possible just now. Don't think of your own
part in the matter at all, just put yourself in their place."
Left to herself once more, Kate sat still musing. The
strange and almost unprecedented insight she had gained
that afternoon into the heart and life of another had altered
her whole world. Through that revelation she saw everything
in a new light, and the change bewildered her; she
wanted time to think, for all her preconceived theories were
overthrown; and though the actual sight of that struggle and
victory had taught her more than thousands of sermons, or
libraries of "good books," it had also sent her away with a
crushing sense of her own shortcomings. Very honestly she
sat and looked at her life. Her greatest wish had always
been not to work among the respectable and humdrum poor,
but to rescue the bad from lives of shame. She was constantly
hankering after this particular work, and bitterly resented
the assurance that she was too young to handle such subjects.
Unluckily she was very intimate with some of those workers
whose zeal outruns their discretion, and who spoil their brave
efforts by making untimely allusions to them—by dragging
them into conversations at table or in the drawing-room, till
the hearers can only wonder what has become of English
reserve. A doctor discussing horrible diseases and their cure
in his family would be loudly and universally condemned;
but those whose work it is to wage war on vice seem too often,
in their eagerness, to think themselves justified in talking
"shop" in and out of season. Kate had moreover acquired
the terrible failing which seems to be becoming more and more
of a danger among the really good and earnest—she was so
eager in wishing to fight the evil that she began to take a
sort of indignant delight in tracing evil back to its source,
particularly when any well-known character was involved.
She took her excitement, not in reading the malicious gossip
of society papers, but in discussing the latest scandal with
the religious world. Yet nothing can be more certain than
that social purity is never advanced by scandalmongering,
albeit the scandal may have filtered through district-visitors
and enthusiastic suppressors of vice.
This afternoon, in the light of the new revelation, Kate
remembered with burning shame how angry she had been
when two or three times she had tried to make inquiries as
to the state of morals in theatrical life, and Carlo had
courteously but firmly turned the conversation. She had accused
him in her own mind of shuffling and evading the topic, had
imagined everything bad of him; and now she found that
this very man who would not discuss the matter, and who
had none of the surface enthusiasm of her friends, had quietly
devoted his life to the work of saving one woman.
"What is it that keeps him silent?" she thought to herself.
"And what is it that makes me love to talk? Is the
silent work 'golden'? Is the talk unwholesome? Yet
'out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh.' There
can be no harm in it then. No, that won't hold,
though! because our hearts ought to be full of what we want
to save them to, not what we want to save them from. And
yet we can't very well talk of that side, or people would think
it was all cant. That is an odd thing about Carlo Donati;
he never seems afraid that people may think he is talking
cant; I do believe he goes right on without thinking what
people think of him at all. I fancy it is that he has no
conceit, and that I have a great deal; he does things quietly, and
I with a fuss and a flourish. Who would have dreamt that
with his quiet, easy way of going on, and all the time he was
singing, and reading, and talking to us, he was living through
such a fierce struggle! Oh, what a goose—what a goose
I have been! How hateful and contemptible to be afraid
he was in love with me, when it was merely thinking of
Francesca that made him look like that! And I have been
snubbing him, and looking down on him, and talking such
nonsense about him to Francesca herself! How they must
despise me!"
With relief she turned, as Clare had advised her, from the
thought of herself to the thought of her cousin and of Carlo.
Hitherto she had considered Francesca to be very charming,
very innocent, very reprehensibly idle; one of those girls
who did not take up "parish work," and who were deserving
of mingled pity and blame. Now she asked herself honestly
whether she could, in Francesca's position, have given up all
so bravely. And Madame Merlino, from all she had gathered
about her from various sources, was no "interesting case,
but a very ordinary, commonplace, ill-tempered person, who
as yet apparently was far from grateful for the sacrifice which
had cost the lovers so much.
"For some charming, delightful person who cared for me
I might have done it," thought Kate; "but for one of those
women like Madame Merlino, who just get into danger because
they are weak and foolish, who are dull, and uninteresting,
and heartless,—no, I could never have done it! Never!"
Again she went back to her recollections of that scene in
the hut. What was it that had given Carlo power to choose
this hard, distasteful life? Why had he been able to leave
Francesca, and bear shame and loss, and grief? It was not
that his love for her was less keen than the love of other
men; on the contrary, the passionate fervor of his love had
terrified Kate, had transcended all her dreams of what love
in the best of men might mean.
It must be because he was trying with all his might, trying
continuously, to live the Christ-life, which most of us do
spasmodically, and not with the whole force of our nature;
because his faith was perfect trust in One who was stronger
than the darkness, the danger, the misery which overwhelmed,
him; One whom he knew and loved; One whom he desired
above all things to serve with the free devotion of a
man, not the grudging submission of a slave. It was clearly
a faith which was independent of his feelings, independent
of his intellect, independent of his surroundings; he had
owned himself past feeling and past thinking; he had been
overwhelmed with the temptation of that valley of the
shadow of death, yet all the time had held unshaken to the one
fact, which he knew as he knew his own identity—"Thou art
with me!"
The clock striking five recalled her to the necessity of
going downstairs, and of getting through as best she might
the dreaded meeting.
"It serves me right," she thought to herself sadly. "I have
been conceited and patronizing, have looked on everything
and spoken of everybody as from a superior height, and now
I learn that I have been taking false, distorted views, and
have to begin life all over again."
The loss of her old self-confidence was no pleasant sensation,
however salutary it might be; she entered the drawing-room
apprehensively, and hardly knew whether to feel relieved
or disappointed when she found Carlo bending over
his copy of Verdi's Ernani, and looking exactly as usual.
Perhaps she had not expected to see him bearing a long face,
or an expression of conventionally pious resignation, but yet
it astonished her to find that after passing through so much
a man could in two hours' time so completely have
regained control over look, and voice, and manner.
"I shall quite miss this delightful English institution of
kettledrum," he remarked, pushing aside his book, and as
usual coming forward to help her. "I'm afraid nothing
would make it fit in, though, with the hours we have to keep."
A great lump rose in Kate's throat as she remembered how
foolish and disagreeable she had been to him on the day
when Francesca's letter had arrived, and had made him so
absent-minded.
"And tea, I suppose, is not good before singing," she
replied, putting forth the first platitude that came into her
head.
"No," he said, with a smile which was wholly pleasant
and had no suspicion of sarcasm. "There are a few things
which must be renounced even by the Neros who fiddle while
Rome is burning!"
The genuinely humorous look in the eyes which but a
little while ago she had seen full of tears, touched Kate, she
felt half choked, and her usually ready words faltered.
"I want to beg your pardon for saying that," she began,
hesitatingly; "I don't really know anything about stage
life,—I—I—" (the admission was hard to make) "have never
even been inside a theatre; only somehow one gets into the
way of picking up other people's notions and echoing them
without really finding out the truth. I had no right to say
such a thing, I hope you will forgive me."
His warm-hearted, Italian reception of the apology a little
overwhelmed her, and she was glad that the entrance of
Clare and the girls made the talk more general.
"The English seem to have a rooted idea that an actor
must be a dangerous sort of fellow, and they generally look
askance at a foreigner," said Carlo. "I don't think there
are many Merlebanks ready to befriend fog-stricken singers,
and I assure you I have become well accustomed to being
regarded as a sort of dynamite, to be kept at a safe distance."
"The effect of Puritan traditions," said Clare. "But there
is certainly something in the argument that now the stage is
so greatly improved the attitude towards it ought to be
changed. I am not sure, Carlo, that in the end you may not
convert me."
"It is not I who ought to convert you, but the many
English actors and actresses now living, who by their noble
efforts to raise the drama, and by their own pure and upright
lives, give the lie to the whole view which the Puritans
were no doubt quite warranted in holding. Or, if you will
not be converted by the living, at least study the lives of the
dead; think of such a man as Phelps, such a woman as your
Mrs. Siddons!"
The talk was interrupted by an abrupt question from
Molly,—
"What can have become of Francesca? I never knew
her late for tea before."
Kate felt herself coloring, but was relieved when Carlo
quietly turned off the remark.
"Don't you think she may be finishing her sketch in the
church?" he said.
"Oh, yes," said Molly, quite satisfied, "and perhaps
she will stay on and hear them practise the anthem for
to-morrow. It is our yearly festival to-morrow, you know.
By-the-bye, Kate, have you done the vases?"
"Yes," said Kate, snatching up a biscuit, and crossing the
room to feed Bevis, that her burning cheeks might not attract
notice.
Francesca did not appear till dinner-time. Kate glanced
at her then apprehensively, and saw that she had not been
nearly so successful as Carlo in getting rid of all traces
of her emotion. It must have been patent to any one with
eyes in his head that she had been crying; and Harry, with
the inconvenient candor which cousins and brothers often
exhibit, commented across the table on her appearance.
"Why, Francesca, you look dreadfully tired. Has Kate
been showing you all the harrowing sights in her district, or
telling you of the horrors of the Ashborough slums?"
She blushed and faltered; Kate longed helplessly to come
to her rescue, but before she could think of a single thing to
say, Carlo had dashed recklessly into the conversation, not
at all troubling himself about his matter or his manner, but
only desirous to turn the subject somehow, and save
Francesca from embarrassment.
"To slum!" he exclaimed, quickly, catching at the last
word; "that is your new English verb, just invented, is it
not? I was told in London that slumming had become a
fashion. Is it so at Ashborough, too?"
"Not quite so much; the old houses in Ashborough are
notorious for being infested with a particular kind of vermin,
to which the fashionable have a mortal antipathy. I don't
think it is likely to become very popular here to slum."
By this time Kate had recovered her presence of mind, and
bravely kept the ball going, Clare helping her adroitly, and
the lovers feeling relieved that all had been so well tided over.
Kate was conscious all through the evening that Carlo was
shielding Francesca from observation, talking more than
usual to cover her silence, carrying Harry off to sing when
he was making his way to the shady corner of the drawing-room
where she had ensconced herself, and skilfully contriving
to lead the conversation round to cards by volunteering
to show them some Italian tricks, from which they somehow
glided naturally into a rubber.
"He is managing us all," thought Kate to herself, admitting
that the sensation was novel; "but it is for Francesca's
sake; he does not seem to think about himself. How will
he dispose of me, I wonder?"
She was not left long in doubt, for at that minute he
turned to her.
"You have no class this evening?" he inquired. "Then
I wish you would play us once more those Kinderscenen of
Schumann's which you played the other night."
"Yes, Kate, do play," urged Harry; "I always get on
better at whist with music going."
Whereupon, Carlo began to tell them a story which he had
once heard of a gambler's wife, whose miserable lot it was
every evening to sit at the piano, where, in a mirror, she
could see the hands of her husband's dupes, and reveal to him
by her playing what cards they held.
While he talked he had been finding her music for her,
then, with one swift glance towards the quiet corner where
Francesca sat with her needlework, he went back to the
card-table.
Kate could see him from where she sat, and as she played
on dreamily, musing over that strange afternoon, and watching
Carlo's untroubled face, she said to herself again and again,
"I have been a fool! a fool! He is the bravest man I ever
met, and the best!"
Miss Claremont told all to Mr. Britton that evening, and it
was agreed that when she could find a good opportunity she
should allow Carlo to see that she knew about his betrothal
and its abrupt ending. A few words spoken by Mr. Kavanagh,
the doctor, after his final visit to Carlo the next
morning, made her doubly desirous to talk the whole matter
over with him, and she was not sorry that the festival evening
proved too cold and damp for him to risk going to church,
so that he was left quite alone, and gladly accepted her
invitation to come and chat comfortably over the schoolroom
fire.
"This sort of life is very spoiling," he said, throwing himself
back in an arm-chair with the easy grace which characterized
all his movements, and glancing round the delightfully
snug, homelike room. "I can't think what it is that you
English people do to your houses; there is a charm about
them one does not seem to get elsewhere."
"I wish you could have seen a little more of English
home-life," said Clare. "If only you had been strong enough
there are several people about here whom I should have
liked you to meet."
"It is better not, perhaps," he replied; "I should only
grow discontented with the life I shall have to go back to,
and feel the contrast all the more between houses like this
and the dingy lodging-houses and third-rate hotels which we
have to frequent."
"It must be a wretched life, wandering from place to
place," she said.
He sighed a little.
"There are a few discomforts, but, after all, they are but
trifles. No; what I shall feel most is the going away from
this home where all is congenial; away from all of you who
can talk well on every subject under the sun; you who have
so many interests, and who read and think. Some people
do not seem to feel the atmosphere they live in, but to me
it makes all the difference; it is stimulating to live in a
household like this, and to be with a man like Mr. Britton;
and it is depressing to live perpetually with people who take
little interest in anything outside their own profession, and
to hear nothing but gossip and stage talk."
"Then they are not very highly educated, I suppose, the
members of Signor Merlino's Company?"
"No, except as regards music. Of course, you know, I
am not a bit intellectual myself, and am nothing of a reader;
but, all the same, I breathe better in this sort of atmosphere,
perhaps merely because it is what I was accustomed to at
home. If it were not for Sardoni, who is witty and clever, I
don't know how I should bear the monotony of it. Sometimes
I would give anything to be older and cleverer; many
men would be able to alter the atmosphere,—Enrico Ritter,
for instance, with his brains and his power as a talker, might
work a revolution in the green-room."
Clare could have smiled at the notion of Enrico's gaining
more real influence by his ready tongue than Carlo by his
fascinating character and unselfish life, but: she would not
for the world have said anything which, even for a moment,
could have broken the unconscious simplicity that was one
of his great charms.
"I suppose Signor Sardoni is your only friend?" she said.
"Oh! he is a sort of brother to me, but many of them are
my friends. That is one thing which makes up for many
other shortcomings in stage life—the wonderful good-nature.
I can't tell you how good-natured most of them have been to
me, though I came among them as a novice, and am by far
the youngest in the Company."
"I had always heard that there is so much jealousy in
professional life."
"Well, that is true, too. There are jealousies and quarrels,
but then so there are in private life; and nowhere in private
life, setting aside Merlebank, have I met with such real,
genuine kindness as from men like Sardoni, and Caffieri,
and Marioni,—indeed from almost all of them."
"Do you know I was talking this morning to Mr. Kavanagh?"
said Clare. "I am such an old friend that I hope
you will forgive me for meddling."
"My best nurse has certainly the first right to interview
the doctor," said Carlo, smiling. "I like Mr. Kavanagh.
though he seems rather inclined to think that everything
must give way to the supreme duty of minding your own
health. He reminds me of Marioni, who is so wrapped up
in his profession that if the world were turned topsy-turvy
he would only wonder what the effect would be on Italian
opera."
"Mr. Kavanagh tells me he is a little afraid you do not
quite understand his English."
"That is either a libel on his pronunciation or on my
intellect. I understand him perfectly."
"He said," continued Clare, "that he did not think you
could have grasped his meaning to-day after he had been
sounding you, because you seemed hardly to bestow a
thought on the matter, though he told you that this
continuous public singing would either kill you or cure you.
Did you gather that from what he said?"
"Yes, I did. He told me there was no disease of the
lungs, but a slight delicacy, and that using my voice in this
way would be a case of kill or cure. Of course I hope for the
cure, but if the other thing comes why there is no more to be
said. A singer may as fitly die in harness as any other man."
"But do you really mean to run so grave a risk? Life is
surely a gift not to be treated lightly! Are you wise to try
the sharp American winter, the long journeys, the singing,
which you are told is a doubtful experiment?"
"It must seem stupid and headstrong to you, I am afraid,
and I can't altogether explain it; but if what you believed
to be your duty called you one way, and the care of your
health called you another, I think you would agree that
health must go to the wall."
"I want to tell you," began Clare, a little nervously, "that
I have just learnt the true facts of the case. Mr. Britton, as
you know, knew much and guessed the rest; and I hope,
Carlo, you will not be vexed that I, too, should know about
it. It was very blind of me never to have seen how matters
were with you and Francesca."
"You really know about that?" he exclaimed, with relief.
"Then we can talk quite plainly. I am glad that you
know, more glad than I can tell you. I have longed to talk
to you about it all these weeks. And then, too, you will be
such a comfort to Francesca. You will take care of her
next week—when I am gone."
His voice shook, and Clare felt the tears starting to her
eyes for sympathy.
"You told me that you promised your mother to be with
Madame Merlino," she said; "but if she had known all that
the promise would cost you do you think she would have
wished you to keep it?"
"Perhaps not; but I don't see that one can get any sort
of guidance out of that. It is not because I made the
promise that I must go on with the life, but because I know it
to be right—know that I am called to do it."
"I suppose it would not have been possible to induce your
sister to leave the stage?"
"No. Her husband would never have consented to it for
one thing; and then, even if she had done so, there would
have been nothing to prevent Comerio from ending his
engagement with Merlino, and following her wherever she
chose to settle down. There was no way but this—there is
no way."
"Such a case is surely a heavy indictment against theatrical
life," said Clare.
"Do you think so? That seems to be hardly just. A
scandal connected with the stage is in every one's mouth, but
the sins of private people are hushed up and kindly forgotten,
though there is not really more immorality among us than
among them. If an actress loses her reputation you hear of
it, because she has to live in the 'fierce light' of public
life, and so you come to think that we are worse than the
other professions. However, I feel with you, that Nita would
probably have been safer and happier had she been brought
up in a home like this, for instance, and had married in
private life. Such a brave, noble woman as Domenica Borelli,
or any woman capable of taking care of herself, may well
become an actress if that is her true vocation. If she is not
able to take care of herself, and is yet unable to retire from
the stage, why then her husband, or father, or brother must
do all he can to shield her."
Clare was silent for some minutes; it was very hard to
withstand the mingled humility and self-reliance which
seemed so strangely blended in Carlo's character. He was
a man who listened to advice and suggested with the patience
and deference of a child, but when once convinced of the
right nothing could shake him; and she knew that it was his
genuine goodness that gave him this power, the fearless faith
which she had long ago noticed as the strong point in his
nature, and which during all these years had been strengthening
and developing. Young as he was, he seemed to her
indeed well fitted to be poor Nita's champion, even while in
her heart she longed to persuade him to turn back, blinded
by her love for him and for Francesca.
The thought of Mr. Kavanagh's words returned to her
with so keen a pang that to be silent was impossible.
"Yet surety," she urged, "there is a noble mistake which
you may be falling into—an exaggerated self-sacrifice, a
needless throwing away of life and happiness? After all, you
know the command is to love our neighbors as ourselves."
"Do you quite think that?" he said. "I thought it was
now 'Love one another as I have loved you.' It ought not
to be as impossible as it seems to live out that rule."
He sighed, because he remembered that a few weeks ago
the struggle had been to endure the being laid aside, while
now his heart sided with Clare, and he only longed to be
able to think her arguments right.
"You must recollect how ill you have been," she continued.
"It is true you have recovered wonderfully fast, but
it was a very severe attack of pleurisy; it seems to me that
you ought to think very seriously indeed before venturing on
the Western winter. And even if your health stands the life,
it is so miserable for you; I can't bear to think that you
should have to go on with it year after year."
As she spoke, a vision of his future life rose before him.
He thought of the monotonous gossip of the green-room, the
perpetual bustle and confusion, the manifold packings and
unpackings, the desolate lodgings, the long journeys; the
thought of the insults of Gomez, the ill-temper of Merlino,
the stinging words and cold manner of Anita, the unwelcome
love and admiration of sentimental women, and, above all,
of the daily martyrdom of separation from Francesca. His
heart sank down like lead.
"It is humiliating to be such a creature of moods," he
said; "last night I had got to the point of being content and
even happy to have been called out to battle, and here I
am hankering after love, and home, and peace again. Man
is a contradictory animal, Clare!"
"If you are sure—quite sure—that you are choosing
rightly, I will not say a word," she replied. "But you and
Francesca are very dear to me, and I can't bear to think that
you may be throwing away your life on a hopeless task, and
bringing such a terrible grief to her. She is so young and
fragile, so little fitted to bear great sorrow."
He tried to speak, but his voice failed him; he pushed
back his chair and took several turns up and down the room,
then returned to the fireside and stood with his elbows on
the mantelpiece and his head in his hands.
"You see, Carlo," she resumed, "I can't help wishing
Francesca to have the happiest life, and though I would be
the last to say that a single woman may not be extremely
happy and useful, yet it does no good to blink the fact that
her life is incomplete. You will think it strange that a very
happy old maid of fifty should speak like this, but Fanny
Kemble's words are very true,—'Those who are alone must
learn to be lonely;' and we old people, who know how hard
that is, shrink from the thought of the young ones setting out
on the rough road by which we have travelled."
"Clare, for God's sake say no more!" he exclaimed, turning
towards her a face so full of anguish that she solely
regretted her words. "I must not turn back like a coward, even
for love of her; but it is hard—so fearfully hard—when the
very saints of the earth tempt one! And that she should
have to suffer—that seems so unjust—so intolerable!"
She signed to him to sit down on the sofa beside her, and
looked with her quiet, shining eyes into his troubled ones.
"Francesca will not think that intolerable; to share your
pain will be her comfort. And since you are called to make
this choice which will bring shadow on both your lives, why
then I have nothing more to say. Once sure of God's will
we need not trouble about the rest."
"And if I choose my own will now, why I should not be
fit to make Francesca happy," he said, musingly. "Sometimes,
Clare, it seems to me that the Donati are fated to give
their lives for a forlorn hope."
Clare mused over the well known story of the two patriots.
They had been called to give up home, and love, and at last
life itself, to save their country from tyranny; the third
Donati seemed to be called to give up home, and love, and
possibly life also, to save one soul from sin. It was a less
picturesque lot, but who would dare to say that it was lower?
"It is strange," she said at length, "but your very name
means, 'A given man.'"
"Does Carlo mean 'man'? I never knew that before."
He fell into deep thought, and Clare noticed that his face
gradually resumed its usual expression.
"After all," he said, presently, "it does seem strange that
we should eternally be slipping back to a short-sighted
selfishness. Betweenwhiles, one can only wonder at the fuss one
makes over sorrow, and then comes a slight change in
weather, or health, or people, or devils, and the struggle
begins all over again. I see there is some truth in Captain
Britton's accusations,—we Italians do love pleasure and ease,
and do cordially detest storm and strife."
"Dear boy, I think English people are much the same!"
said Clare, laughing. Then growing grave again, "But tell
me, Carlo, is there nothing I can do for you? Since I can't
see you as happy as I should wish, let me at least have some
little way of helping you."
He took her hand in his courtly Italian fashion and
kissed it.
"It is thinking what you have made of life, Clare, that
will help us most," he said.
She colored, and her eyes filled with tears.
"To be able to talk to you, and write to you freely will be
a comfort to Francesca, and do you think, Clare, you would
sometimes write to me?"
"Of course I will," she replied warmly.
"Thank you, that will be something to look forward to.
You see it is rather dreary to have no belongings in the
world. Enrico Ritter is my only correspondent; for, though
my old Maestro writes every now and then, he confines
himself strictly to his one subject."
At that moment they were interrupted by one of the
extraordinary coincidences which afford subject-matter to the
Society for Psychical Research.