I have said, that owing to the aimless, reckless course of life
which I pursued, after leaving college, I lost my place in society, and
found myself without friends, and a marked man. This began my
education. I began to look about me, and to think. What! my
acquaintance slight me as unworthy their notice! What could be
the cause of this? Could I live under such a ban? I resolved to
reform. The effect upon me of this rule in society proves its excellence.
I was at first staggered. I knew not that ruin was so near
at hand. I was awakened from the trance of years. I determined
to make a desperate effort. I collected the amount of my debts, and
gave them in to my father, telling him, as coolly as I could, that I had
determined to leave the city—to retire upon the smallest sum possible
for the most secluded life. He paid my debts, enormous as
they were. Without bidding adieu to any one, for I did not think
myself of consequence enough to take leave formally, I, in a few
days after my determination, was on my way to N——.
I took with me a few books, and they were well chosen. I had
Scott and Byron, Mackenzie's works, the British Essayists, Sterne,
Shenstone's Essays, Bacon's Essays, Jeremy Taylor's Holy Living
and Dying, and Shakspeare. Yes! I took, too, Burns's poems and
letters. His letters more than his poems I admired, or loved too
read, for we feel more sympathy for Burns, on account of his hard
struggles, than because he wrote 'Tam O'Shanter,' or the 'Twa
Dogs.' These were all the books I took with me. I mention them
with a feeling of pride, that my taste was so pure at so early a day,
and in spite of my idleness and dissipated habits. If I were to select
now from the whole field of literature—throwing in the old
English prose writers by Young—I would not give up one of these
books, supposing I could have no more in number.
The pleasure I received in reading these works—the tears I always
shed over the Man of Feeling—prove to me that I was not so
abandoned as I thought myself at this time, or at least, that we all
have some good about us, however low we may stand in the estimation
of the world. I think there is a double lesson to be learned from
this: first, that all impressions, however trite and unimportant they
may appear at the time they are being made, never should be deemed
of small weight, because their effects are not seen immediately:
and second, that we should be careful lest we do the greatest injustice
to our fellow men, by looking on the surface of character only,
which, from some accidental cause, may appear rough and disgusting,
while the seeds of good feeling and honorable exertion lie hid from
our sight, and only want opportunity to command our applause.
With these few silent, voiceless friends, I took up my residence in the
village of N——, a village of New-England. The pleasantness of
the situation determined my location, for the advantages of study can
be had in any place. There was a quiet air about this village, which
enchanted me. It lay several miles from any other, on the banks of
a river, upon a table-land. One long street extended through it, in
a straight line. This street was very wide. The houses were not
crowded upon the dusty path, but placed several rods back, with a
green lawn in front, and painted white. It did not look like a business
place—this was another good point—but it seemed like the residence
of old and respectable families. There was fine scenery about
it, too; high hills, and deep valleys, watered by swift and clear brooks.
There was, and is, and ever will be, an air of easy comfort about
this place, to strike strangers and foreigners. There is wealth without
ostentation; hospitality without the appearance of obligation;
and kindness and benevolence, ever to be remembered. Virtue is
natural to a refined mind.
I entered my name in the office of a gentleman of rather retired
habits. He had an excellent library, both of law books and miscellaneous
reading, and read much himself; but he was considered by
the people as rather an oddity, and a book-worm. He rarely appeared
in court, and clients never came to his office; yet he had made a fortune
by his profession. I will venture to swear that he made his
money with clean hands and a quiet conscience. He was rarely seen
off of his own territory, and never attended a public meeting in his
life, except to hear a sermon. His history is somewhat singular. He
was a shoe-maker, until thirty years of age, and then studied law,
and supported himself, for the first years of his practice, by making
shoes in his garret, as it is said. A man of few words, he never
spoke first to any one, but always listened more than he talked, even
in the company of a fool. With the coarsest features and roughest
skin I ever saw, and the ugliest face, he had the most benevolent
smile in the world. He never killed a fly, or trod upon a worm,
though a lawyer. He was much respected by the older and better
sort of people, and by those of his profession, who were glad to
find their opinions supported by his.
Himself and wife constituted his family, and they lived as quietly
as two mice. Every thing was kept as neat as wax. The house, and
office contiguous, stood upon a slight elevation, opposite the village
church and tavern, shaded by umbrageous trees. A stray stick or
stone never remained long within ten rods of the place. He was the
pattern of order, and neatness, and regularity, in every thing he did
or possessed. I never saw an unpleasing expression upon the face
of this gentleman, except when some one of the choir got out of
key in church; and then his countenance would suddenly be drawn
up into knots, that, it would seem, could never be unravelled; for
with a coarse body, he possessed the most susceptible soul, and refined
tastes in the arts. Retirement and self-examination had made
him appear diffident; yet it was far from being an ungraceful kind
of bashfulness, but rather that drawing back, as if he mistrusted
your power fully to enter into his feelings. But to return.
I commenced the task of study, and stuck to it for a short time;
but the feeling that follows the discharge of a duty soon became no
novelty, and I began to be quite sick of being so very good. Every
thing was too smooth. I always loved contrast; and here are some
verses that I wrote, the first week I spent in the country:
Tears are like showers, that wet the sun-burnt soil,
And freshen quick its verdure. After toil,
Sweet is the laborer's rest.
Affliction gives a zest
To joy, and tears are blest.
For tears, if not by guilty conscience shed,
Clear the dull channels of the brain and head;
Our smiles are brighter,
Our hearts are lighter;
For memory loves to contrast joy with sorrow;
We weep to-day, that we may laugh to-morrow.
This is the doctrine that has always swayed me; and if life at times
becomes too quiet, I set the imagination to work to conjure up some
wrong or injustice I suppose myself to have suffered, and work myself
into a state of superior wretchedness. The freak passes away,
and I am very pleased, and much excited, by what would be but
sources of common enjoyment to the equable and reasonable.
Beside, there was another obstacle to studious habits—woman.
I was among a new race of beings. Women in the country and in
the city are as different as the barn-door fowl is from the bright-plumaged
bird of the untrodden wild. In the first place, city girls
are not so handsome as those living in the country. The former excel
in dress, and the wavy lines of grace; they understand the art of
showing off their feet and ankles to better advantage; but they lack
the one thing needful—the nature. They walk upon the paved
street, not the grassy lawn, where every foot-step is in a line of
poetry. They have grown up surrounded by artificial refinements;
in the sickly glare of lamps, and a smoky atmosphere; their minds
have not been tutored by the goddess of nature. They do not so
often see the setting sun, the burnished clouds, the bright artillery
of heaven. They feel not the balmy air, the dewy freshness of the
morning. They do not hear the songs of birds; neither do they see
the sparkling rivulet. How then is it possible they can be equal to
those in affections, tastes, health, and beauty, who see, and hear, and
feel all these things?
The daughters of people in moderate circumstances in the country
are well educated. They usually spend a winter in town, and acquire
all that can be learned of dress, although they depend little
upon the 'aid of ornament.' They usually understand music and
drawing. They read a great deal. The society they meet is pure;
not varnished rottenness. Their habits are simple, and their tastes
elegant.
They are without doubt the most fascinating women in the world;
and are sought in matrimony by city merchants and lawyers, who
have amassed fortunes, and begin to look about for some domestic
comfort, while the city miss, who is never in public without being
absorbed in her appearance, and dress, and walk, and who is always
under the restraint of some forced prettiness, as she thinks it, is suffered
to dash the years away in idleness and folly, till her nerves are
worn out, and her health and beauty gone, beyond the arts of paint;
or she marries very young, and soon fades, and is laid on the shelf;
or she devotes herself to living her life over again in her daughter,
her counterpart.
I soon found myself, in the society of this village, visiting every
day. I could not withstand the temptation. It was all novelty.
Such fine healthy countenances, open air, engaging conversation,
offered in every house, that from law I turned to love. Blessed
exchange!—from baron and femme, and contingent remainders, to
ponder over the unwritten poetry of beauty, and the silver-tongued
voices of young, imaginative maids, who treat you as if you were
their brother, the moment their parents show, by their deportment,
that they have confidence that you are a gentleman.
How seldom is this confidence abused by an American? Who
ever heard a case of seduction, in one of our country villages, among
the better classes of society—among equals? These accidents, which
our city-calendars register in the city, are mostly the handiwork of
foreigners. Gallantry, conjugal infidelity, is not a vice of good society
here, as in France or England. Men and women can be elegant, and
happy, and contented, without the excitement of intrigue, to give a
dash of romance to the career of a fine Lady Anybody, or bewitching
Sir Nobody.
I defy the nicest art to circumvent one of our American girls,
brought up as young ladies are brought up in our opulent country
villages. Her very innocence protects her. She will not understand
your passion, if it verges to freedom; think you drunk or crazy;
any thing, but serious in your wild words and looks, and escape from
you as soon as she can, and probably go and tell her mother, who will
take care you do not see her very often. And this shall all be done,
and brought about, and no fuss be made, either.
I happened to make the acquaintance here of a fine intelligent
girl of my own age—twenty. She had found out a good deal about
the world in books, and somewhat by observation in society. Her
reading had been of a peculiar cast. She had read Byron from top
to bottom, Tom Moore, all the novels and poetry she could get hold
of; and, without any method or direction, she had studied philosophy,
moral and natural, skimmed metaphysics and logic, and knew a little
Latin, and some French. When quite young, she was called a
'smart girl;' every body prophesied she would be a wonder of intelligence
and beauty; and she was. Her person was as remarkable
as her mind. Of the medium stature in woman, with a form finely
proportioned and graceful, you forgot every thing else about her,
when you encountered her large black eyes, of uncommon depth of
expression. This kind of eye is rare, though we sometimes find it
among the inhabitants of the South. It seems as if it reached far
back into the head, and contained the means of looking into your own
heart, while the beholder is at a loss to fix its own expression. There
is passion, love, self-possession, indifference, anger, scorn, dwelling
in it; either to be called out in an instant, as the mind varies. Her
complexion was a dark brunette; her nose and lips were nicely
formed, and her teeth even and regular; her forehead very high and
broad, set off majestically by a profusion of hair as black as the
raven's wing.
The first time I ever saw her, was one evening when I called at
her father's. In the movement that followed my entrance into the
room, her hair by accident or design fell and enveloped her whole bust.
Her dark eyes gleamed through its folds, and all her striking charms
were the more enhanced, when half concealed by such rich drapery.
I was taken by surprise. I had never seen such a woman. She reminded
me of something I had read of in eastern tales—houris of
paradise—something very lovely, and passionate, and devoted.
My imagination was inflamed, and I loved her upon the instant,
and did for years after; and now I cannot say but I feel some
regrets that fate should have parted us. But we never could have
been happy together as man and wife. She had no system of thinking
or acting, and I certainly had none, and never shall have. We
were then, both, the creatures of impulse, and perhaps it is better
as it is. She was much my superior in self-control. Equally acted
on by impulse, I yielded to the whim of the moment in conduct; she
felt the desire, but sustained herself, and her feelings preyed upon
her happiness.
I very soon after this first meeting saw her at a ball. We danced
and walked together. She had the reputation of being a coquette, in
the village, and I was marked as the next victim to be offered, in the
minds of all present.
Indeed I was a fit subject. I knew nothing then of the faults of
women. I had sisters, and thought all women pure and saint-like,
like my dear cousin. I never could attach an improper sentiment to
any of the sex. I cannot now think them mean and deceitful,
though I have strong proof of their being so. I am willing to be
deceived in this respect. I hope I always may be. I make it a
principle to think myself mistaken, when a woman of respectable
standing in society appears to be in fault.
I suspected nothing wrong in this case. I was excited and happy,
and I did not look to mar my own enjoyment. I was fascinated, although
Miss Clair did not appear so well in a ball-room as in a simple
dress at home—I mean not so loveable. Dressed in rich ornaments,
she looked too unapproachable, too like a queen, an Indian queen,
if you will; her high and commanding forehead, her glancing eye,
her unshrinking gaze. And then she did not dance well. She often
told me she hated the trouble. I think she was too intellectual to
care much for dancing, or her ear was in fault. She never sang;
though I believe she loved the music of the drum and fife. Do not
infer, kind reader, that she was masculine—far from it. I have
seen the tears roll out from her open eyes, when she was strongly
affected by some pathetic tale, or some choice poetry; and when in
our walks and rides we stopped to gaze upon some beautiful or
grand scene of nature, she would weep from the very excess of her
delight—perhaps from some association she did not confide to me.
When at home, in a natural state of mind, surrounded by her
family, and engaged in her duties, she was all delicate attention to
the wants of others.
I had hardly become acquainted with her, when she suddenly
left the village for an absence of three months. I cannot describe
the pain I underwent during that time. I could not study or read,
even novels. She promised to correspond with me, and all I did was
to write letters to her. I wrote every day, and at night threw them
into the fire. They did not suit me. Sometimes they were too warm.
What I had written in the morning, seemed a different thing in the
afternoon. I was now angry, now penitent, and in that conflicting
state of mind which lovers, particularly young ones, know so well; and
which I will venture to say they all agree is the most unenviable state
of feeling in the world.
At last she returned. She would not see me for a week, for some
cause or other—I never could discover what. When I did see her,
at last, she received me with stately coldness. I did not know what
to make of it. It made me feel very unhappy, and I recollect I did
not think of blaming her, but supposed the fault lay in myself.
This fickleness of hers did not cool my passion, but rather inflamed
it. During these formal visits, there was always a look given,
or a flower, or some appeal to me in a matter of literature, from
which I drew encouragement that she was not indifferent to me—something
I always carried away to dwell upon with pleasure; that
kept her in my thoughts, and kept me from giving up the pursuit of
such a charming object.
Things went on in this way for weeks. At last, if my calls were
not frequent, she would ridicule my apathy to society; if I walked
with another lady, I could see her eyes flash with indignation when
she met me. She evidently considered me as her property, and I
was doomed to submit patiently to all her caprices.
I now understand her. She did love me, as the sequel will show;
but she dared hardly confess it to herself. She had seen very few
young men from cities, or of much rank. Her idea of young men
of fortune was drawn chiefly from novels. She feared I was fickle,
and only bent upon a little amusement. She acted on the defensive.
She only wished to be assured of my true affection for her, to pour
out upon me all the repressed tenderness of her nature. Her coldness
was assumed to conceal her feelings; for she was a creature of
extremes. Her only safety, she thought, was to shield herself in
frowns. Easy politeness would have been torture to her. Before I
left her, she usually gave me one kind word, enough, if I loved her,
she thought, to anchor my heart to hers. She knew the nature of
the passion. Her absence was to try me. She has told me that she
loved me at first sight, as I certainly did her.
Her father was an open-hearted man, of profuse hospitality. He
liked me, and invited me to his house whenever we met. He was an
easy man, who had married, himself, from prudent motives; he could
not imagine how there could be any romance in his family, if he
understood the true meaning of the word. I rode, walked, and sat
with his daughter a good deal of the time. We were happy; he
saw we were, and supposed it was the happiness of youth and
prosperity.
He had been gay himself, when young, and loved the girls. He
had no Byron to read—no Moore to ponder over—no stories of
Petrarch and Laura to inflame his imagination. He did not see our
danger. And this, by-the-by, is a fault of no small magnitude in the
education of the young; that parents do not enough know the reading
of their children. Books change with time. The novel of the
present day is no more the novel of our father's day, than the fashion
of a dandy now-a-days is the fashion of the exquisite of the last
century.
Parents do not know the minds of their children, or the effects of
their reading. Not knowing their books, how can they judge?
Children are always reserved before their parents; and as a general
remark, applicable to children, we may say, that parents know less of
their own children than they do of their neighbors'. They, good
easy souls! suppose all is right. Like geese, who hide their heads,
and think (if geese do think) their bodies are safe, so parents shut
their eyes, and hope for the best. 'Well,' they say, 'we can't tell
what is to become of him,' looking at the child some one is praising
to his face; 'he may make a man: heaven, I hope, will take care of
him.' And so this pious, conscientious father attends to his business,
and the child is left to the chance of being ruined.
The effect of the books young ladies read is immense, upon their
principles. They are so much alone; taking and plausible sentiments
sink so deep into their hearts; they have so little to disturb
or counteract the impressions of injudicious books. Nay, society
oftentimes rivets the chains of a bad impression around their very
necks, and custom gives it a place in their hearts. Educate young
ladies as you will; that is, send them to what school you please;
give them the advantages of accomplishments in the arts and society,
and at the same time let them have the range of a circulating library,
and they will inevitably very often imbibe matter and notions for
severe struggles, and heart-burnings, and shame, if not of crime.
The books young people of both sexes read, is not considered a matter
of sufficient consequence. It is left to chance—to superficial
advice—to fashionable cant.
In those oil-fed hours we steal from sleep to pore over the exciting
tale, or tragic story, we do more to fix our characters, to plant the
seeds of some kind of principle, either good or bad, in our hearts,
than in all our school hours, trebly counted.
The character of this high and impetuous young lady was the
effect of books acting upon a very susceptible temperament. My
own character was quite as impetuous as her own, though not so high
and disinterested. Having been, as I thought, in love before, I had
a certain familiarity of acquaintance with emotion. ''Twas love I
loved.' She loved me. She acted from strong feeling, and so did I;
but I am ashamed to record, that my movements were tempered with
a vein of calculation, that detracted from my enjoyment.
But how much we did enjoy! Here for the first time did I fold a
woman in my arms, and impress upon her lips—giving all that lips
can give—burning kisses! I played with the rich black hair upon
her forehead. I kissed her white hand, and encircled her waist. I
laid my head upon her bosom, and felt, the heavings of her heart.
Oh God! what scenes of agonizing bliss! I never can know you
again! Age, care, and want, have come upon me, and I am dying in
a foreign land, without one tear to water my grave!
When Alice Clair first confessed her love for me, it was with
weeping, and an excess of emotion, which alarmed me. Her whole
frame was shaken, as if by an ague. I had endeavored, for a long
time, to wring the secret from her. I wished her to say the words,
'I do love you!' I wished her promise. I now can easily see her
hesitation. She knew me better than I did myself. She saw I was
capable of any thing, and yet insensible to every thing, but pleasure.
She was ambitious. She wished her lover—her serious and true
lover—the man she expected to marry—to possess strength. Perhaps
she felt her own weakness, and saw her need of some strong
staff to lean upon. She saw that I had not much determination
in any course that interfered with my pleasure. Hence her unwillingness
to acknowledge me as her lover, to the world. She
wished to keep me in her chains—to hold me from others—and,
although she loved me, I am convinced, still at times there was a taint
of coquetry in her manner to me in public, that made me appear
ridiculous. I could not, would not, bear this, and I determined to
offer myself to her, and in case of refusal to go—I knew not
where.
I know of nothing so laughable as feigned passion. It must put
people to a world of trouble, to play extatics, to weep tears, to kiss
passionately, to embrace, while the heart is ice, and the temper
clouded; to be playing lover, while one is thinking how long it is
before dinner.
I had worked myself up into quite a passion. I thought my whole
soul was absorbed in this affair. I wished to be married forthwith.
I could not think of delay; and in these moods used to press my
suit with a mad earnestness, and ask her acknowledged love, with all
my heart, and with a temporary sincerity.
One night, we were walking late on the banks of a river, in a beautiful
meadow. The town was far above us. Every sound of labor
was hushed, and we were alone, in the stillness of a moonlight night,
with no witnesses except the stars, and the long shadows of our
figures, as we alternately walked and sat by the way. The scene was
a bewitching one; the river was calm, and reflected the heavens;
the night was balmy with new-mown hay. We were alive with
health, and youth, and love. I had been singing low, plaintive airs
to her, expressive of ill-requited affection, as we walked along. She
said but little. Her face looked pale and thoughtful, as ever and anon
she turned her large eyes full upon me, as if to search my very inmost
soul. She was deliberating upon my proposal. I was unsuspecting,
but free and open to tell her all. Suddenly she threw her arms about
my neck, and seemed fainting, by the weight that pressed upon me.
I seated her upon the bank of the river, and still she wept, and
spoke not a word, while her tears flowed, and her frame trembled. I
cried out for help, but she stopped me; and as no one came, I waited
till she recovered herself. That night we sat long by the bank of
the river, and she gave me her heart, and the compact was sealed by
the first kiss I had ever given to pure lips. She then confessed to
me all her doubts, and in a dignified manner, which confused while
it charmed me, told me the risks she incurred in yielding to her feelings.
I had nothing to boast of in the conquest, for while it displayed
to me the weakness and tenderness of woman, it told me how weak and
inferior I was, in all the essentials of a useful man. It certainly was
the most singular confession and compact that ever took place between
man and woman, since the time Adam took Eve to wife, in the garden
of Paradise.
After this, her manner changed toward me entirely. There was
no reserve. She pointed out my faults; she endeavored to excite me
to honorable exertion. Often has she ran away from me, to force
me to go and study; and if, when I returned, I bore the marks of
mental fatigue, how happy it used to make her! She was aware that
I might rise to respectability in my profession; but she did not know
the cruel negligence of my early life; she did not know the long-riveted
habits of idleness I had indulged; she did not know how
hopeless and blank my prospects really were.
If I appear indifferent and cold-blooded to the reader, he knows
nothing of human nature. There is a point to which a man sometimes
arrives, which to all intents amounts to a kind of fatality.
Does the drunkard lose his moral agency? Yes! when his faculties
are deadened. Is there a man who could resist food, if placed before
his eyes just as he was dying of starvation? Is there not a moral
deadness of the faculties, produced by habits of idleness and pleasure,
equally binding, equally calling for indulgence? Nothing is impossible
to God; but man's powers, even in his own favor, are limited;
and I am disposed to think, that the vicious man is punished, partly,
in this world. He sees, by the examples around him, his certain
destiny. He is ever, in his solitary moments, looking over the abyss
into which he knows he must fall. He makes effort after effort to
escape. It is all fruitless, unless the power of God assist him, as it
sometimes does. He is like the sailor standing upon the shattered
wreck of his good ship, and looking at the mountain wave approaching,
that he knows will engulf him in the deep. Added to this, there
are the stings of an upbraiding conscience, and the fear of everlasting
punishment.
But there were times when we forgot all unpleasant reflections;
when we talked of our prospects of happiness. I was to inherit a
fortune—to distinguish myself at the bar. We were to travel over
Europe together; perhaps find some delightful retreat in the classic
south, and there (I loving only her) we were to spend a life of love
and blessedness.
I can hardly believe that she yielded as implicitly to these illusions
as I did. I had got myself worked up into a perfect madman;
and though at times I knew how false and fleeting were all these
plans, yet in her presence, and after talking upon such subjects, my
imagination took the reins of my reason, and I made these fanciful
excursions with sincerity, and took a pleasure in the anticipation
more than equal, I am convinced, to any they could have afforded in
reality. I do not think she felt with me here. As I remember her,
with her strong sense, her conception of the ridiculous, and exaggeration
in others, her keen wit and cutting sarcasm, it seems impossible
that she should. Nevertheless, every one is conscious of
strange inconsistencies of feeling. A scene strikes us to-day with
awe and pathetic effect, which to-morrow we pass coldly by. Every
thing depends upon the state of the nervous temperament, the attending
circumstances, our previous reading, the chain of events.
And by the way, this is the chief use of philosophy, that it enables
us to look at every thing with an investigating eye, and never to
yield to impulse. The mind is taken up in sound reflection, and it
has no time to lose itself in the mazes of the imagination. Age, necessity,
torpor of the blood, experience, produce the same effects;
while youth, and romantic ardor, and the poetical parts of life, run
wild, solely from a want of habits of reflection.
It seems, no doubt, a strange inconsistency, that I did not exert
myself, if I so loved this noble girl. We must distinguish between
passion and affection. The very nature of the first admits of no reflection.
The last is all reflection, and quiet yielding of its own convenience
for the happiness of the loved object. Passion is the lava
of the volcano, which covers up and ruins all things under it; affection
is the refreshing shower, the gentle dew, making the pastures
green, and the earth glad. A good, well-regulated mind would have
done otherwise than I did, but it would likewise have loved otherwise
than I did.
I yielded to nature and my temperament. I had not two wills, one
to oppose the other; there was not in my nature any thing to oppose
my nature. I have all along described myself as a foolish creature
of impulse; and I was, and am, and never shall be any thing else.
One night, after some irregularity caused by lovers' quarrel, and
the consequent restlessness, which sought relief in pleasure, she was
representing to me the consequences of such habits of dissipation,
as tenderly as she could, and I was moved by her earnestness to
tears. She followed up her advantage, and throwing herself upon
her knees before me, she wept, herself, in sobs, for some moments.
Then raising her tearful eyes, she begged, she implored, she entreated
me, to change my course of life; not to bring ruin upon us both;
not to blight our prospects, by such cruel neglect of every honorable
pursuit. She seemed to feel that every thing depended upon me;
she saw me on the brink of a precipice; she exerted eloquence that
might have drawn tears from a statue; and I was earnest, that night,
in my resolutions, as I laid my head upon my pillow. But I did not
ask assistance from God; and herein lay my error.
I have since found, that all resolutions are futile and useless, unless
we confirm and strengthen them by prayer. The very exercise of
prayer is its own answer. Prostration of ourselves before God produces
a calm and dispassionate frame of mind, and a sense of our
accountability. As our thoughts, in such seasons, dwell upon the
truth of an eternal existence, the world and its vanities recede, and
appear in their true insignificance. We then are prepared to take
the first steps in goodness. Who that has passed out of a life of
vice into a life of virtue, ever turns back? The first step is the
important one. Let that be taken, in good faith, and each succeeding
one opens wider and wider the peace of the path of virtue.