A while ago I came across a newspaper
clipping—a recipe written by a Baltimore
lady—that had long lain dormant
in my desk. It ran as follows:
“A great many husbands are spoiled by
mismanagement. Some women go about
it as if their husbands were bladders, and
blow them up; others keep them constantly
in hot water; others let them freeze, by
their carelessness and indifference. Some
keep them in a stew, by irritating ways and
words; others roast them; some keep them
in pickle all their lives. Now it is not to
be supposed that any husband will be good,
managed in this way—turnips wouldn’t;
onions wouldn’t; cabbage-heads wouldn’t,
and husbands won’t; but they are really
delicious when properly treated.
“In selecting your husband you should
not be guided by the silvery appearance,
as in buying mackerel, or by the golden
tint, as if you wanted salmon. Be sure to
select him yourself, as taste differs. And
by the way, don’t go to market for him,
as the best are always brought to your
door.
“It is far better to have none, unless
you patiently learn to cook him. A preserving
kettle of the finest porcelain is the
best, but if you have nothing but an
earthenware pipkin, it will do, with care.
“See that the linen, in which you wrap
him, is nicely washed and mended, with
the required amount of buttons and strings,
nicely sewed on. Tie him in the kettle
with a strong cord called Comfort, as the
one called Duty is apt to be weak. They
sometimes fly out of the kettle, and become
burned and crusty on the edges, since, like
crabs and oysters, you have to cook them
alive.
“Make a clear, strong, steady fire out of
Love, Neatness, and Cheerfulness. Set
him as near this as seems to agree with him.
If he sputters and fizzles, don’t be anxious;
some husbands do this till they are quite
done. Add a little sugar, in the form of
what confectioners call Kisses, but no vinegar
or pepper on any account. A little
spice improves them, but it must be used
with judgment.
“Don’t stick any sharp instrument into
him, to see if he is becoming tender. Stir
him gently; watching the while lest he
should lie too close to the kettle, and so become
inert and useless.
“You cannot fail to know when he is
done. If thus treated, you will find him
very digestible, agreeing nicely with you
and the children.”
“So they are better cooked,” I said to
myself, “that is why we hear of such
numbers of cases of marital indigestion—the
husbands are served raw—fresh—unprepared.”
“They are really delicious when properly
treated,”—I wonder if that is so.
But I must pause here to tell you a bit
about myself. I am not an old maid, but,
at the time this occurs, I am unmarried,
and I am thirty-four years old—not
quite beyond the pale of hope. Men and
women never do pass beyond that—not
those of sanguine temperament at any rate.
I am neither rich nor poor, but repose in a
comfortable stratum betwixt and between.
I keep house, or rather it keeps me, and a
respectable woman who, with her husband,
manages my domestic affairs, lends
the odor of sanctity and propriety to my
single existence. I am of medium height,
between blond and brunette, and am said to
have a modicum of both brains and good
looks.
The recipe I read set me a-thinking.
I was in my library, before a big log fire.
The room was comfortable; glowing with
rich, warm firelight at that moment, but
it was lonesome, and I was lonely.
Supposing, I said to myself, I really had
a husband; how should I cook him?
The words of an old lady came into my
mind. She had listened to this particular
recipe, and after a moment’s silence had
leaned over, and whispered in my ear:
“First catch your fish.”
But supposing he were now caught, and
seated in that rocker across from me, before
this blazing fire.
I walked to the window—to one side of
me lives a little thrush, at least she is trim
and comely, and always dresses in brown.
Just now she is without her door, stooping
over her baby, who is sitting like a tiny
queen in her chariot, just returned from
an airing.
It isn’t the question of husband alone—he
might be managed—roasted, stewed, or
parboiled, but it’s the whole family—a
household. Take the children, for instance;
if they could be set up on shelves in
glass cases, as fast as they came, all might
be well, but they will run around, and
Heaven only knows what they will run
into. Why, had I children, I should plug
both ears with cotton, for fear I should
hear the door-bell. I know it would ring
constantly, and such messages as these
would be hurled in:
“Several of them have been arrested for
blowing up the neighbors with dynamite
firecrackers.”
“Half a dozen of them have tumbled from
off the roof of the house. They escaped
injury, but have thrown a nervous lady,
over the way, into spasms.”
“One or two of them have just been
dragged from beneath the electric cars.
They seem to be as well as ever, but three
of the passengers died of fright.”
Just think of that! What should I do?
Keep an extra maid to answer the bell,
I suppose, and two or three thousand dollars
by me continually, to pay damages.
What a time poor Job had of it answering
his door bell, and how very unpleasant
it must have been to receive so many pieces
of news of that sort, in one morning!
Clearly I am better off in my childless
condition, and yet——
Little Mrs. Thrush is just kissing her
soft, round-faced cherub. I wish she
would do that out of sight.
Now as to husbands again, if I had one,
what should I do with him?
I might say, Sit down.
Supposing he wouldn’t. What then?
Cudgels are out of date. Were he an
alderman, I might take a Woman’s Club
to him, but a husband has been known to
laugh this instrument to scorn.
But supposing he sat down. What
then? He might be a gentleman of irascible,
nasty temper, and in walking about
my room, I might step on his feet. These
irritable folk have such large feet, at least
they are always in the way, and always
being stepped on no matter how careful
one tries to be.
What then?
I decline to contemplate the scene.
Plainly I am better off single.
I walk to my front window, and stretch
my arms above my head. There is a
light fall of snow upon the ground. This
late snow is trying: in its season, it is
beautiful; but out of season, it breeds a
cheerlessness that emphasises one’s loneliness.
I look out through the leafless trees
toward the lake, but it is hidden by the
whirling, eddying snowflakes. I see Mr.
Thrush hurrying home to his little nest.
“Yes,” I say to myself, repeating my
last thought with a certain obstinacy,
“yes, I am better off without a husband,
and yet I wish I had one—one would answer,
on a pinch—one at a time, at least.
A husband is like a world in that respect;
one at a time, is the proper proportion.”
“It’s far better to have none, unless you
learn to cook him.” These words recurred
to me, just as I was on the point of
taking a life partner, in a figurative sense.
The woman that deliberates is lost; consequently,
as it won’t do to think the matter
over, I plunge in.
My spouse is now pacing up and down
the room in a rampant manner, complaining
of his dinner, the world in general,
and me in particular.
What am I to do?
Charles Reade has written a recipe that
applies very well just here. It is briefly
expressed:
“Put yourself in his place.”
I could not have done this a few years
ago, but now I can. Never, until I undertook
the management of my business
affairs—never until I had some knowledge
of business cares and anxieties, the weight
of notes falling due; the charge of business
honor to keep; the excited hope of
fortunate prospects; and the depression
following hard upon failure and disappointment—never
until I learned all this,
did I realize what home should mean to a
man, and how far wide of the mark many
women shoot, when they aim to establish
a restful retreat for their husbands.
I have returned to my domicile, after a
fatiguing day up town, with a feeling of
exhaustion that lies far deeper than the
mere physical structure—a spent feeling
as if I have given my all, and must be replenished
before I can make another
move. I once had a housekeeper whose
very face I dreaded at such times. She
always took advantage of my silence and
my limp condition, to relate the day’s disasters.
She had no knowledge of what a
good dinner meant, and no tact in falling
in with my tastes or needs. On the contrary;
if there was a dish I disliked, it was
sure to appear on those most weary evenings.
In brief, from the very moment I
reached home, she did nothing but brush
my fur up, instead of down, and I did
nothing but spit at her.
Now, many women are like this housekeeper.
I wonder their husbands don’t
slay them. If you would look out in my
back yard, I fear you would see the bones
of several of these tactless, exasperating
housekeepers, bleaching in the wind and
rain.
I marvel that other back yards are not
filled with the bones of stupid, tactless,
irritating wives. The fact that no such
horror has as yet been unearthed, bears
eloquent testimony to the noble self-control
and patience of many of the sterner sex.
“Oh, that sounds well,” said my neighbor,
over the way, “but then you forget
we women have our trials too.”
“Is it going to diminish those trials to
make a raging lion out of your husband?”
“No, but he ought to understand that
we are tired, and that our work is hard.”
“Certainly,” I said, “by all means; and
by the time he thoroughly understands,
you generally have occasion to be still
more tired.”
“Well, what would you do?”
“I’ll tell you what I’d do; follow the
advice of a sensible little friend of mine,
who has four children all of an age, and
has incompetent service to rely on, when
she has any at all.”
“And what is that, pray?”
“She says that come rain, hail, or fiery
vapor, she takes a nap every day.”
“I don’t know how she manages it; I
can’t, and I have one less child than she,
and a fairly good maid.”
“Her children are trained, as children
should be; the three younger ones take
long naps after luncheon, and while they
are sleeping, she gives the oldest child
some picture book to look at, and simple
stories to read, and she herself goes to
sleep in the same room with him. The
little fellow keeps as still as a mouse.”
“I think that is a cruel shame.”
“So do I. It would be far kinder if she
let him have his liberty, and stayed up to
take care of him, and then became so tired
out that, by the time her husband came
home she would be unable to keep her
mouth (closed for it is only a well rested
woman who can maintain a cheerful
silence), and avoid a family quarrel.”
“No, I think it’s better not to quarrel,
but I can’t take a nap, and often I’m so
tired when Fred comes home, that, if he
happens to be tired too, it’s just like putting
fire to gunpowder.”
I knew that, for I had heard the explosions
from across the street. You know
in our climate, in the summer, people
practically live in the street, with every
window and door open; your neighbor has
full possession of all remarks above E.
And most of Mr. and Mrs. Purblind’s
notes on the tired nights, are above E.
I have no patience with that woman,
anyhow. She hasn’t the first idea of comfort
and good cheer. Her rooms are always
in disorder, and there is no suggestion
of harmony in the furniture (on the
contrary every article seems, as the French
say, to be swearing at every other article);
all her lights are high—why, I’ve run in
there of an evening and found that man
wandering around like an uneasy ghost,
trying to find some easy spot in which he
could sit down, and read his paper comfortably.
He didn’t know what was the
matter—the poor wretches don’t, but he
was like a cat on an unswept hearth.
In contrast to this woman’s stupidity,
I have the natural loveliness of the little
brown thrush, on my one side, and the
hoary-headed wisdom of Mrs. Owl, on my
other side.
Look at the latter a moment. Not
worth looking at, you say; angular, without
beauty of form or feature. Nothing
but the humorous curve to her lips, and
the twinkle in her eye, to attract one;
nothing, unless it were a general air of
neatness, intelligence, and good humor.
But I assure you that woman’s worth
living with if she is not worth looking at!
Now her spouse is one of those lowering
fellows, the kind that seems to be at outs
with mankind. Just the material to become
sulky in any but the most skillful
hands, the sort to degenerate into a positive
brute, in such blundering hands as
Mrs. Purblind’s over the way.
I had a chance to watch this man one
evening last summer. Having no domestic
affairs of my own, as a matter of course I
feel myself entitled to share my neighbors’.
And this particular evening I was lonely.
It was a nasty night, the fog blown in from
the lake slapped one rudely in the face
every time one looked out, and the air was
as raw as a new wound—it went clear to
the bone.
Now on such a night as this I have
known Mrs. Purblind to serve her lord
cold veal and lettuce, simple because it was
July, and a suitable time for heat. And
I assure you that sufficient heat was generated
before this cold supper was consumed.
But to return to Mrs. Owl, on
that particular night. I saw her watching
at door and window, for her partner was
late. I peeped into the parlor, and it was
as cosy and inviting as a glowing fire, a
shaded lamp, and a comfortable sofa
wheeled near the table, could make it.
By and by, he came glowering along.
What will she say, I asked myself. Will
it be:
“Oh, how late you are! What’s the
matter? What kept you? Well, come in,
you must be cold. Lie down on the sofa
while I get supper, but don’t put your feet
up till I get a paper for them to rest on.”
All this would have answered well
enough with a decent sort of a man, but
this homo required peculiar treatment.
It was what she didn’t say that was
most remarkable.
After a cheerful “How-de-do” she didn’t
speak a word for some time, but walked
into the house humming a lively air, and
busied herself with his supper. She didn’t
set this in the dining room, but right before
that open fire. Without any fuss or
commotion she broiled a piece of steak
over those glowing coals, while over her
big lamp she made a cup of coffee, and in
her chafing dish prepared some creamed
potatoes. She had bread and butter ready,
and some little dessert, and so with a wave
of a fairy wand, as it seemed, there was
the cosiest, most tempting little supper you
ever saw on the table at his side.
Meanwhile he had found the sofa,
the fire, and the lamp, and was reading
his paper. He threw the latter down
when supper was announced, and she
joined him at the table; poured his coffee,
ate a bit now and then for company,
and talked—why, how that woman did
talk! I couldn’t hear a word that she said,
but I knew by the expression of her face it
was humorous; and laugh, how she
laughed! and erelong he joined in—why,
once he leaned back, and actually ha-haed.
When supper was over, she left him to
his paper again, while she cleared everything
away. Later on she joined him,
and the next I knew they were playing
chess, and still later, talking and reading
aloud.
This is but a sample of her life with him—in
everything she consults his mood, his
comfort, his tastes. She never jars him—never
rubs him the wrong way, and meanwhile
she has all she wants, for she can do
anything with him, and he thinks the sun
rises and sets with her.
It is a good cook that makes an appetizing
dish out of poor material, and when a
woman makes a delicious husband out of
little or nothing she may rank as a chef.