The nursery. Half-past two in the afternoon. A
cool, delightful white room, with a frieze of children
playing in the ocean spray; shelves of
bright-colored books on the walls, and the months
of a large calendar by Elizabeth Shippen Green
framed underneath. There is a deep bow-window
at the back; the principal door is at the Left, and a
smaller one on the Right. Toys of all sizes, for
all ages, are scattered about with a holiday air.
There is a sofa on the Right and a hobby horse
on the Left.
There are four charming though somewhat spoiled
children, with intermittent manners, with napkins
tied up under their chins, sitting around the table,
which is a little to the right of the centre of the
room.
The Footman is busy removing the plates; the
butler, Moles, who stands behind Philip,
always takes Philip's plate. It is Philip's
birthday. Lizzie stands behind Elaine. In
the centre of the table is a large cake with seven
candles burning on it.
Philip. What comes next?
Christopher. Soup!
[Lizzie and Moles suppress smiles, exchanging
looks of delighted appreciation of Christopher's
humor.
Toots. Ice cream!
Elaine. Don't be absurd, Christopher, we've
had soup.
Christopher. I like it!
Toots. I like ice cream!
Elaine. [To Toots.] Sh!
Philip. What comes next, Moles?
Moles. I don't know, sir.
[He goes out.
Elaine. T'ain't manners to ask, anyway,
Phil.
Philip. Who cares! It's my birthday!
Christopher. When will it be my birthday?
[The Footman reënters with plates, followed by
Moles, with silver dish of croquettes.
Philip. Here it comes; what is it?
Moles. Chicken croquettes, sir.
Philip. Left overs! Had chicken yesterday!
Bring 'em here first!
Moles. No, ladies first, sir.
[Serves Elaine.
Lizzie. And besides, Miss Elaine is company.
[Moles serves Christopher.
Philip. That's all right. S'long it's Elaine,
everything goes!
Elaine. Phil!
[Sliding down from her chair, she runs to him
and kisses him.
Philip. [Hopelessly embarrassed.] Don't! not
in front of everybody!
Elaine. But I do love you, Phil, and you're
my beau, and I'm so glad it's your birthday.
[Goes back to her place unashamed and contented.
[Moles serves Philip.
Lizzie. You oughtn't to talk about beaux at
your age, Miss—ought Miss Elaine?
[To Moles with a knowing glance.
Moles. I ain't discussing the sex with you,
Lizzie, but I will say all the girls I've known, began
talking about beaux early and ended late.
Christopher. I heard Lizzie and Moles talking
about Aunt Georgiana's beau!
Lizzie. Sh!
[Footman goes out with the croquette dish.
Elaine. Mr. Dick Coleman's Miss Carley's
beau!
Philip. No, he isn't! Mr. Dick's known Aunt
Georgiana always, they're just little boy and girl
friends. Lizzie says she's Cousin Sammy Coast's
sweetheart.
Lizzie. [Indignant, though convulsed.] I never
did!
Philip. Yes, you did! To Maggie when you
thought I wasn't paying attention.
[Lizzie and Moles exchange amused glances.
Elaine. But Mr. Coast's your auntie's cousin;
and your cousin can't be your beau.
Philip. He ain't any relation to Auntie Georgiana.
Mamma said so. Mr. Coast's mamma's
cousin, and grandma's nephew, but grandma isn't
any real relation to auntie.
Christopher. How?
Philip. I don't know how, only Aunt Georgiana
had a different mamma, she didn't have grandma.
Elaine. And the same papa!
Philip. Not all the time, mamma had another
papa first.
Christopher. It's sort of mixy, isn't it?
Philip. Yes, I guess mamma and Aunt Georgy
are sort of divorced sisters!
Elaine. Oh!
[As if that explained it.
Toots. [Beating the table.] Lemmlelade! lemmlelade!
[Moles crosses to pitcher and serves Toots first,
then the others.
Philip. Toots, you're getting tipsy!
[The children laugh.
Christopher. Cousin Sammy comes to see
Aunt Georgiana nearly every day.
Philip. Yes—he's begun to bring toys just
like some of the others did.
Christopher. [With his mouth full.] Hobby
horse! Hobby horse!
[Pointing to the hobby horse.
Lizzie. Don't talk with your mouth full,
Mr. Christopher.
Philip. [Shouting.] He'll choke! He'll choke!
[All laugh, tremendously amused.
Moles. Mr. Coast is a very fine gentleman.
Philip. Oh, I know! I saw him give you a
dollar the other day, when he came to see auntie,
and you advised his waiting and said auntie'd be
in by five.
Lizzie. Isn't he a case!
Moles. He certainly is.
[Returns pitcher to table on the Left.
Christopher. I like Mr. Dick best. He's always
taking us places and things.
Toots. [Who has finished his croquette and is
now ready for conversation.] Um! Circus!
Philip. And not just 'cause he's stuck on auntie.
Moles. You oughtn't to use that expression,
Mr. Philip.
Philip. Why not! you do. I heard you tell
Lizzie you were stuck on her last Sunday.
Lizzie. [Blushing.] Oh, my!
Christopher. Mr. Dick's a soldier!
Philip. Yes, siree! He helped stop a strike of
street cars in Brooklyn. His name was in the
papers!
Christopher. He was hurted bad, and if he
was dead, he'd have a monnyment with "Hero"
embroidered on it. Aunt Georgiana said so!
Elaine. I should think Miss Georgiana was too
old, anyway, to have beaux.
Christopher. Oh, awful old!
Lizzie. Oh! Miss Carley isn't so old!
Philip. Yes, she is, too! She's our old maid
aunt.
Elaine. If she wasn't old, she'd be married.
It must be awful to be so old.
Philip. She's nearly thirty, I guess.
All the Children. Oh!
[Loud and long.
Christopher. You'll be deader soon after
thirty, won't you?
Toots. [Crying.] I don't want Auntie Georgiana
to be a deader!
Philip. [Bored.] Shut up!
Lizzie. [Comes to Toots and comforts him.]
Toots, dear!
Philip. I'm glad Aunt Georgiana's an old
maid, 'cause I don't want her to leave us.
[Footman enters and stands at the Right.]
She gave me my birthday party.
Moles. Yes, and this whole house'd miss your
aunt, I can tell you that, Mr. Philip. [Takes
away the plates.] She just keeps things going
smooth with everybody.
Philip. I told her I saw you kiss Lizzie on the
back stairs, Saturday.
Moles. What!
[Gives dishes to the Footman.
Lizzie. He didn't! He didn't!
Philip. Yes, that's what Aunt Georgiana said,
but I know better, and so does she, I guess!
Lizzie. Isn't he a case!
[Moles goes out with the Footman.
Philip. Now what?
Christopher. Soup!
Philip. Ice cream! I want ice cream!
Lizzie. Sh!
Elaine. My mamma don't let my brothers
behave so at the table.
Philip. Neither don't we, 'cept our birthdays.
[Moles reënters with a tray and plates.
Christopher. What is it?
Philip. [Screams.] Eeh! Ice cream! It's ice
cream!
Lizzie. Sh!
Philip. Go ahead, dish it out!
[Laughs.
[Moles serves ice cream to Elaine, then to
Philip, Toots, and Christopher.
Christopher. Mr. Dick Coleman is gooder as
Cousin Sammy Coast.
Elaine. Aunt Georgiana is goodest as him!
Christopher. Aunt Georgiana is gooder as
mamma!
Toots. And most goodest as grandma.
[Lizzie exchanges a glance with Moles and goes
out Right.
Philip. Grandma! Rats!
Moles. [To Philip.] Sh!
Philip. [Shouts.] Stop, Chris! He's taking
too much ice cream!
All the Children. Chris! Chris!
[They keep up the clamor, laughing and shouting,
till Lizzie comes back.
Lizzie. Children! here comes grandma.
Philip. [Disgusted.] Oh, pshaw!
Christopher. Don't want grandma.
Lizzie. Sh!
[Mrs. Carley comes in from the Right. She is a
middle-aged woman, of faded prettiness and
frivolous manner. Every line and bit of
character has been massaged out of her face.
There is a sudden, embarrassed, and gloomy
silence on the part of the children.
Mrs. Carley. Well, children, having a lovely
party?
Philip. [Grudgingly.] Yes, ma'am!
Elaine. [Politely.] Yes, ma'am.
Christopher. Aunt Georgiana's party!
Mrs. Carley. Yes, dear, it's too bad mamma is
ill in bed. She says when you are all through, you
may come up and say how do you do, while she
kisses Phil. [Silence.] That will be nice, won't it?
Philip. [Grudgingly.] Yes, ma'am.
Elaine. Yes, ma'am.
Christopher. Yes, ma'am.
Toots. No!
Mrs. Carley. We are glad you could come in,
Elaine, and help celebrate Philip's birthday.
Elaine. Thank you, ma'am!
[Toots is mashing his ice cream strenuously with
a spoon.
Mrs. Carley. Toots! don't be naughty and
don't mash your ice cream up like that.
Toots. I like it.
Christopher. Me too—it makes soup!
[Copying Toots.
Mrs. Carley. Your collar's crooked, Chris.
[Arranging it.
Christopher. Ouch!
[Squirming.
Mrs. Carley. Phil, shall grandma cut your
cake for you?
Philip. No, ma'am, Auntie Georgiana's going
to cut it.
Mrs. Carley. Oh, very well. How's your
mamma, Elaine? Is she going to the big ball
to-morrow?
Elaine. Yes, ma'am.
Mrs. Carley. We feel dreadfully. Philip's
mamma's illness prevents our going.
Elaine. Mamma said you weren't invited.
Mrs. Carley. [Pats Philip on the head, to
his great disgust and discomfort.] Your mamma
had better mind! Your mamma is mistaken!
Good-by, children, grandma is sorry she can't
stay and have a good time with you. I am going
to call, Elaine, on the Countess of Worling, Mrs.
Tom Cooley's daughter. I don't think your mother
knows them. Good-by, dears, enjoy yourselves.
[She goes out Left.
[Silence till the door is well shut behind grandma,
and then the children break out with shouts,
all of them, of "Good-by, Grandma. Good-by,"
repeated ad lib. Then they calm down.
Philip. Bully! Grandma's gone!
Christopher. Ice cream!
All the Children. More ice cream! Ice
cream!
Philip. Let's see.
[Moles hands him the ice cream dish.
Christopher. [To Philip.] Can I have some
more, or will it make me sick?
Philip. [Serves the children.] No, there's plenty.
When there isn't enough, mamma always says it
will make us sick.
Christopher. And papa—when we have
company unexpected, and there isn't enough of
anything, papa always says F.H.B.
Philip. F.H.B.
Elaine. Why?
Christopher. He says it means Family Hold
Back, and we all have to say "No, thank you,"
when it comes around! Do you like grandma,
Phil?
Philip. Naw! Grandma's no good.
[Moles goes out with the empty ice cream dish.
Toots. No good, grandma!
[A knock outside the door Left.
Georgiana. [Outside.] Hello! Hello!
Philip. [Delighted.] Aunt Georgiana!
All the Children. Aunt Georgiana!
Georgiana. [Outside.] Is this a private room
at Sherry's, or may an old maid aunt come
in?
All. No! Yes! Come in—come on in!
[They clatter on the table with their spoons, and
shout "Hurrah! Aunt Georgiana!" as Georgiana
enters. She is a beautiful creature,
about thirty, and in the very height of health
and spirits—an American Beauty rose the
moment before it opens. She is flushed
after her quick walk in the bracing, sunshiny
winter's day. No wonder the children—and
others—adore her!
Georgiana. What a good time!
Christopher. Oh, we're having the beautifulest
time, Auntie!
Philip. Great!
Elaine. Perfectly lovely!
Toots. Um! Ice cream! Lots!
Georgiana. That's good! Stuff all you can,
Toots! Are you ready to cut the cake?
All the Children. Yes! Yes!
Philip. We waited for you.
Christopher. We wouldn't let grandma.
[Georgiana drops her furs on the sofa and
then comes to the table.
Georgiana. There's a ring in it. Whoever
gets it will be married in a year.
[Starts to cut the cake.
Toots. I want the ring!
Philip. Hush up, you're only a baby!
[A loud knock on the door Left.
Georgiana. Oh, yes, I forgot. Cousin Sam
wants to wish you many happy returns, Philip.
May he come in?
Philip. Pshaw! Another man!
Christopher. [In a "stagewhisper" to Elaine.]
He's the one—auntie's sweetheart!
Georgiana. [Amused.] Nonsense, Christopher,
that's silly talk. Stop that for good! [Loud
knocks repeated. To Philip.] May Cousin Sam
come in? [Philip nods.] All right, he's got some
presents! Come in, Mr. Coast.
[Coast comes in and goes straight to Philip.
Sam Coast is a tall, slender, but strong-looking
man, rather "raw-boned." He is dressed most
fashionably and most expensively,—over-dressed,
in fact, and yet not too vulgarly.
A man of muscle and nerve, who makes his
own code and keeps his own counsel.
Coast. Shake, Phil.
[Shakes his hand.
Philip. [His hand hurt.] Golly! He can
squeeze, can't he, Aunt Georgiana?
Georgiana. Well, really! Miss Elaine Jackson—Mr.
Coast.
Elaine. [Embarrassed, rises, and curtseys.]
How do you do?
Coast. Pleased to make your acquaintance.
Hello, rest of you.
Christopher and Toots. Hello!
Christopher. Are you Auntie Georgiana's
beau?
Coast. Yes!
Georgiana. Chris!
Christopher. Lizzie says so!
Lizzie. I never!
Toots, Christopher, and Philip. Yes, you
did! You did too! You did too!
Lizzie. [To Georgiana.] I never did, miss!
Philip. Yes you did, you did too!
Georgiana. I hope you didn't, Lizzie. You
may leave the children with me now.
Lizzie. Yes, ma'am.
[Lizzie, Moles, and Footman go out at Right,
each taking some plates, etc.
Georgiana. [To Coast.] I hope you don't
mind.
Coast. Of course I don't. It's true as far as
I'm concerned.
Georgiana. [Laughing.] It's not!
Coast. Listen, will you bet?
Georgiana. [Laughing.] Not before the children!
Philip. Come on, let's cut the cake!
Georgiana. Blow out the candles!
[All the children blow out the candles and then
get down from the table.
Coast. And here's my contribution to the party.
[Brings out six big German mottoes from his
pocket, and goes to table with them.
Georgiana. [In pretended excitement.] What?
Mottoes!
All the Children. [In delighted chorus.] Oh,
mottoes!
Philip. Are those the silver mines?
Coast. No! Why?
[Laughing and handing the mottoes around,
while Georgiana cuts the cake.
Philip. I heard grandma say the other day,
you had pockets full of silver mines.
Georgiana. The cake's ready!
[All take a piece of cake. The children line up
and down Centre from Right to Left: Elaine,
Toots, Philip, Christopher.
Coast. Your motto!
[Handing one to Georgiana.
Georgiana. One for me too! Oh, thank you!
Coast. Certainly, because I want a bit of cake.
I'm after that ring.
[Goes up back of table for cake.
Georgiana. Don't anybody swallow the ring.
[All eat the cake and now speak with their mouths
full.
Christopher. I haven't got it yet, Auntie.
Elaine. Nor I.
Georgiana. Don't talk. Everybody eat till
some one gets it!
Toots. [Crying.] I can't eat my cake! I can't
eat my cake!
Georgiana. Why not, dear?
Toots. 'Cause I haven't got no place! I
haven't got no place to put it!
[Crying.
Philip. He's full up!
Georgiana. Never mind, Toots, dear,
you shall have a piece for supper.
Toots. Will I have room then?
Christopher. [A sudden loud and frightened
cry.] Oh! Oh!
All. What's the matter?
[All gather around Christopher.
Georgiana. [Frightened.] What is it, Chris?
Christopher. [Screaming.] Oh!
Georgiana. What is it, dear?
Christopher. I've swallowed it!
All. What?
Christopher. I've swallowed the ring!
Elaine. That isn't fair!
Philip. Just like Chris, 'fraid some one else'd
get it.
Georgiana. No, Chris, dear! [To Coast.]
What will we do?
Coast. Chris has made a mistake, here is the
ring! [Finding it in his own piece of cake.] There
weren't two, were there?
Georgiana. No, that's the one!
Christopher. [Smiling and greatly relieved.]
Oh! I guess I 'magined it, then.
Georgiana. [Affectionately pretending to shake
him.] Well, young man, you can imagine yourself
spanked for giving us all a fright. Now, come
along, the mottoes. [To Coast.] Of course the
ring wasn't meant for you. What are you going
to do with it?
Coast. Keep it.
Georgiana. No, you mustn't; it's the children's!
Coast. Philip, may I keep the ring?
Philip. [On the hobby horse.] Yes, sir.
Coast. And I'll give each one of you a ring in
place of it. What kind will you have, Elaine?
[He makes movement towards each child as he
asks the question.
Elaine. One big pearl with two great big rubies.
Georgiana. Mercy! Small order!
Coast. Very well. And you, Phil?
Philip. I don't want any ring. I want a watch
and chain.
Coast. Good! And you, Chris, do you want a
ring?
Christopher. I want a gun!
Coast. All right. [Writing.] And Toots?
Toots. Nanny goat!
[They all laugh. Moles and Footman enter,
answering the bell which Georgiana has rung.
Georgiana. The table, Moles.
Moles. Yes, ma'am.
[Takes away small plates, etc.; he then goes out
Right, followed by Footman, who takes everything
else from the table, leaving only the cover
and a false nose left from the mottoes.
Philip. [Crosses to Georgiana at table.] Grandma's
been up and said we were all to go and see
mamma.
Georgiana. Go in your mottoes; that will be
great fun!
All the Children. Oh, yes! Hurrah!
[Running off Left.
Georgiana. Ssh! Don't shout so; remember
poor mamma's headache!
[All repeat, "Remember poor mamma's headache"
and take hands as they tip-toe out, Philip first,
Elaine second, Chris third, Toots fourth,
repeating "Poor mamma's headache" in a whisper
till they are all out.
Coast. I can't get this damned thing on. Too
bad Cousin Loo's ill.
Georgiana. Oh, she isn't really. Louise is
never perfectly well and happy unless she has
something the matter with her, especially if she
has nothing else to do; she's bored to-day, so
she's got a headache! To-night, when there's a
big ball to which she is not invited, she'll be frightfully
alarmed about herself for fear of appendicitis,
but to-morrow, when we have smart company at
luncheon, she'll recover like a shot! It's all right
for Louise, but it's hard on my brother, who really
adores her.
[She sits beside the table.
Coast. Adores! Say! That's the word I
want to use about you!
[Follows Georgiana to table, moves chair to
front, and sits.
Georgiana. Nonsense, Sam! Do you know
anything about some stocks called United Copper?
Coast. Rotten! Don't touch it!
Georgiana. My brother had a tip this morning
on United Copper and wanted me to give him some
money to put in it.
Coast. Listen! don't you do it.
Georgiana. I wish you'd use your influence
with Steven to help him.
Coast. How?
Georgiana. You must know how mad he is
over speculation? But perhaps you don't know that
he has gone through all his own money, and, if
she'll let him, he'll go through his wife's next.
[Smiling.] Then I suppose it would be my turn!
Coast. Why doesn't he keep out of it?
Georgiana. He can't, we must keep it out of
him! Out of his blood!
Coast. There's only one way.
Georgiana. What?
Coast. Ruin him!
Georgiana. That's too anarchistic! You speculate.
Coast. But I always win!
Georgiana. Can't you teach him?
Coast. Listen, if I could do that, I'd be the
richest man in the world before I got through.
Georgiana. Can't you give Steve a tip on some
sure things?
Coast. There ain't any sure things.
Georgiana. Why, other friends of Steve are
always "putting him on to something good."
Coast. And what happens?
Georgiana. [Smiling distressfully.] Well, he
does lose, usually.
Coast. I guess so!
Georgiana. But you must often have inside
information.
Coast. And how much is that worth?
[Takes up the false nose from table.
Georgiana. Well, it usually costs Steve all he
has! But I thought you—
Coast. [Interrupting.] Miss Georgiana, you
see this false nose?
Georgiana. Yes.
Coast. [Putting it on.] Well, now what do I
look like?
Georgiana. [Laughing.] I shouldn't like to
say!
Coast. Exactly! Well, see? That's what I'd
be if I believed in tips and "inside information."
If a man gives your brother a good tip, let him
drop it like hot lead. People with a real good tip
ain't giving it away. There's never enough to
divide up and go around,—not in this world,—and
inside information that gets told to a lamb
like your brother is too damned outside information
for me!
[He rises and moves away, half in irritation, half
in humor.
Georgiana. Oh! Oh!
Coast. Pardon.
Georgiana. Are you as rich as people say?
Coast. Richer!
Georgiana. How did you get it?
Coast. I started my dough with a mine.
Georgiana. Why can't you put Steve into a
mine?
Coast. [Laughing.] What's the use? he'll lose
everything just as quick in Wall Street.
Georgiana. But I mean a good mine.
Coast. [Coming back to her.] Listen! I worked
right in our mine with my father when I was only
eight years old! That's why I ain't better educated—I
worked for ten years there down in the
dirt and muck!
Georgiana. [Interrupting.] And silver!
Coast. [Leaning on the back of the chair.] Yes,
and silver. [Laughs.] Father's out there working
yet—don't have to now, but he likes it; he ain't
comfortable on top of the earth—says there's too
much room. If father'd been a man like Mackay,
I guess he'd been just as rich as him to-day.
Georgiana. And still you won't help Steve?
Coast. T'ain't business. [He puts back his
chair and leans toward Georgiana, hand on table.]
If helping him, mind you, would get you, I might
take it on. [Humorously.] I'd pay even the price
of Steve to buy you.
Georgiana. [Taking the false nose and putting
it on.] Well, I'm not for sale. [Rises.] But I
would like to dispose of Steven.
Coast. Go on, please take that blame thing off.
[Follows Georgiana across the room to the Left.
Georgiana. No, I like it! You must understand
this about my brother. [Taking off the nose.]
He is the dearest, best fellow in the world! kind-hearted
and wouldn't do a thing that wasn't straightforward
in business.
Coast. But you've got to be tricky if you want
to succeed in our business. I don't mind telling you
right out between us, I'm tricky!
Georgiana. I'm sorry to hear it.
Coast. Louise was a pretty good liar when she
was a kid. She ought to help her husband along
a little.
Georgiana. That's just it! if Steve had the
right sort of wife,—but all Louise wants is social
position and more money.
[She sits on the hobby horse, amusedly.]
Coast. If Louise was like you!
[Georgiana puts the nose on quickly and rocks.
Georgiana. Heaven forbid! The only trouble
with Steve is he's weak. He'd have been all right
if he'd been a girl—or married to a president
of Sorosis, or a daughter of the Present Revolution!
Coast. Miss Georgiana, take off that nose and
let me ask you something.
Georgiana. Not at all, my dear Sammy. I
know what it is you want to ask me! I'm much
obliged and I won't.
Coast. You won't marry me!
Georgiana. No!
Coast. Why not?
Georgiana. Because I don't love you.
Coast. Who do you love?
Georgiana. That's not your business!
Coast. Do you love any one?
Georgiana. [After a moment's hesitation, lies.]
No!
Coast. [With insinuation.] Why don't you get
Dick Coleman to help Steven?
Georgiana. [Taking off the nose.] Why do you
ask me that now in that way?
Coast. Information!
Georgiana. Dick's a lawyer. What could he
do for Steven?
Coast. That's not the information I wanted.
Georgiana. But it's all the information you'll
get!
[Gets off the hobby horse and comes down a
little.
Coast. [Follows her.] Georgiana, marry me,
and I'll look after Steven all the rest of his
life.
Georgiana. Sammy, you don't want me to
marry you if I don't love you.
Coast. Yes, I do. Listen! I'd risk your not
loving me; there's nothing on God's earth I
wouldn't do to make you love me.
Georgiana. That's the trouble with you men,
you think you can make a woman love you whether
she wants to or not, but you can't!—neither can
you keep her from loving you if she does, whether
she wants to or not.
[Throws nose away; crossing to the Left, sits in
the rocking chair there.
Coast. I'd give you everything!
Georgiana. That you can buy!
Coast. Do you mean that you'd rather be dead
poor than marry me?
Georgiana. No, I don't say that! When I've
lost everything and Steven and Louise are bankrupt,
and we haven't a penny—
Coast. Yes!
Georgiana. I might—I say I might—
Coast. Honest!
Georgiana. [Laughing.] Oh, dear, no!
Coast. I take you at your word, anyhow.
[The children's voices are heard.
Children. [Off Left.] Come on back to our
room and have some more fun.
Georgiana. Sh! Here come the children.
[Rises.
Coast. Damn the children!
Georgiana. Sam!
[She puts finger up, Coast kisses it.
Coast. Pardon! But I don't give up! Understand—I'm
going to marry you!
Georgiana. [Teasing him.] When? When?
[The children rush in screaming.
The Children. Aunt Georgiana! Here's
papa! Here's papa!
[And Steven Carley enters Left. He is a
slender, smooth-shaven, young-old looking
man, his voice and body almost vibrating
with nerve; a personality that so often appeals
to the tenderness in women, while it
irritates men. He brings his hat and coat
with him.
Steven. Hello, Sam!
Coast. Morning!
Steven. Many happy returns, Georgy.
Georgiana. Oh, no, thank you! It's not for
me yet, thank goodness!
Philip. Now let's play hide and seek.
The Children. Hide and seek!
Lizzie. [Entering Left.] Excuse me, please.
Mrs. Jackson's maid is here for Miss Elaine.
Philip. Oh, pshaw!
Christopher. Don't you go!
Elaine. Oh, yes, I must! I'm sorry! [She
goes up stage with great diffidence to Steven and
shakes his hand as she curtseys.] Good-by, sir.
[To Coast also.] Good-by, sir. [To Georgiana.]
Good-by, ma'am, I've had a perfectly lovely time.
[Aside to Georgiana.] Phil is my beau, but I like
Mr. Coast awfully much too!
Georgiana. [Laughing.] You're beginning
early! Come along, children, we'll take Elaine
down. Excuse me, everybody, please.
Philip. If you've got any good tips, papa, save
some for little brother.
[The children go out Left with Georgiana.
Steven. [Putting his hat and coat down on the
sofa.] He's on to his father early! Sam, any
news?
Coast. No.
Steven. I've heard of a big thing, an absolutely
straight tip,—inside information.
Coast. [Sitting in the rocker.] Well, don't tell
it, or you'll spoil it.
Steven. The women are so down on my speculating,
Georgiana especially.
[Sits on the table.
Coast. What do the women folks know about
business? Why don't you keep what you do to
yourself?
Steven. But you see my money's all gone, and
I need more—only to recoup with.
Coast. [After a slight pause.] As I remember,
you can do what you like with Louise's
money.
Steven. But is it right?
Coast. You're too blamed afraid, that's why
you always lose.
Steven. [Walking up and down.] I know it.
And this is the biggest chance I've had yet. If
I dared risk it, I'm sure I could make a fortune!
Not in words! I know what I'm talking
about, Sam. Louise would have everything she
wanted—and the way she'd live then! She could
drop the social chip off her shoulders, go anywhere,
and receive everybody.
[Standing beside the table, he eats a little cake.
Coast. Well?
Steven. Do you advise me to risk it?
Coast. [Pretending indifference.] What?
Steven. Louise's money?
Coast. I ain't advising anything. If it went
wrong, you'd blame me to the women.
Steven. Is that the kind of a man I am?
Coast. [Rises and goes to Steven and slaps him
on the back.] No, Steve, I take it back. You take
a licking better'n any feller I ever saw.
Steven. Experience! But this thing can't go
wrong! The man who told me is the head
and—I told Georgiana—didn't she give you a
hint?
Coast. [After a slight pause.] No.
[Turns up to the window and stands there with
his back to Steven.
Steven. My tip's a great one—safe! Now, shall
I take it?
Coast. Of course, when I feel as you do about
a thing, I do it.
Steven. And by George, I will too!
Coast. Why not?
[Turning and facing him.
Steven. Yes! what I make's for Louise, not
for myself.
Coast. I wouldn't say anything to Louise
about it.
[Comes down a little.
Steven. No, she'd be sure to talk it over with
Georgiana.
[He sits by the table.
Coast. And, say, not a word, you know, about
me in all this.
Steven. I give you my word, Sam.
Coast. Why not let the old lady in, too, Aunt
Laura, if it's such a good thing?
[He gives a side look at Steven.
Steven. Didn't they tell you?
Coast. What?
Steven. I put mother into East Mexicos!
Coast. Gee!
[Whistles, crosses to the sofa Right, and sits on
Georgiana's furs; jumps up quickly, moves
the furs, and then sits again.
Steven. That was an extraordinary thing. No
one knows how it happened, but she lost every
cent.
Coast. But—
Steven. Dear old Georgiana pays the interest
for me, and the old lady doesn't know.
Coast. Georgiana's a damn fine girl.
Steven. She is! I'll pay her back out of this
coup, too, another good thing.
Coast. Fine!
Steven. I believe I'll go back down town now.
[Both rise and go Left as Moles comes in.
Coast. All right. Come on, we'll go together.
Steven. Good!
Moles. Please, sir, may I speak to you a minute,
Mr. Carley?
Coast. I'll wait downstairs, Steve.
[He goes out Left.
Steven. Yes, Moles?
Moles. The champagne is out, sir.
Steven. Order another case.
Moles. I did, three days ago, over the telephone,
and I called them up yesterday to ask about it, and
they said your bill was so long outstanding they'd
please like it settled before filling any future orders.
Steven. Tell Mrs. Carley; the household bills
are her affair, aren't they?
Moles. She says there is some mistake. She
gave you a check for the wine bill last month, sir.
Steven. Did she? Oh, of course she did. It
was the day I heard about Alabama Rails and I
bought a couple on margin! They're down just
now. The wine people must wait.
[Dismissing him.
Moles. But we've a big luncheon, sir, to-morrow
and no wine.
Steven. Very well, then, I'll get Miss Georgiana
to give you a check. I don't want to bother
Mrs. Carley, she's got a headache.
Moles. The wages are due, sir, and the trades
books weren't settled last month.
Steven. Well, I'll attend to it all to-morrow
or next day, Moles. Give me my coat, will you?
[Moles gets the coat from the sofa and hands it to
Steven.] I've been short of ready money for a
little while, but things are looking up. By the
way, you're a good sort; I'd like to do you a good
turn. I happen to be on to something, Moles,
on to something down in Wall Street. Would you
like to make a little money?
Moles. [Brightening visibly.] Indeed and I
would, sir. I've got two thousand three hundred
and sixteen dollars in my savings bank, and I've
heard of how these Wall Street magnums made
fortunes out of less'n that.
Steven. I'll double it for you! You get it for
me, Moles, and I'll make it into five or six thousand
for you, sure!
Moles. Thank you, sir!
Steven. [Writes in note book.] I'll put in an
order to buy for you the first thing in the morning;
and you have your money down at my office
by ten o'clock, can you?
Moles. Yes, sir, I can get off in the morning.
I can't thank you enough, sir!
Steven. Oh, that's all right,—we'll be a rich
household here before we get through, Moles.
They'll be telephoning us to please send in some
orders for champagne!
[Puts note-book away.
Moles. Oh, don't trouble about these bills, sir.
I can hold off the people a little longer, and I'll
order the wine in another place.
Steven. That's a good boy, Moles, then I
won't have to bother my sister.
Moles. Yes, sir.
[He goes out as Georgiana and the children
enter Left.
Georgiana. Here's papa! Come along, now,
Steve, I've promised the children a game of hide
and go seek!
Steven. All right, I knew father wanted to do
something very much,—only couldn't think what.
Of course, it was hide and seek!
Georgiana. Philip must be "it" first!
Philip. All right!
[Philip goes into the corner Right, with
his back to the others. All hide behind
or under the different pieces of furniture—Georgiana
under the table, Toots back
of the rocker, Steven under the sofa,
etc.
Philip. [Impatient.] Are you ready?
[Pause.
Christopher. Not yet!
[Getting behind curtains Centre window.
Philip. Now are you ready?
[Lizzie comes in Left, as soon as Steven hides
under sofa.
Georgiana. Not yet!
[Getting under the table.
Lizzie. Mr. Carley, please, sir!
Steven. [Putting his head out from under the
sofa.] Yes, Lizzie?
Christopher. Don't turn round, Phil, it's
only Lizzie. Wait!
Lizzie. Excuse me, but Mr. Coast sent me
upstairs to see—
Steven. Oh, by George, yes! [Coming out
from the sofa.] I forgot. I must go back down
town.
Philip. Oh, pshaw!
[About to turn.
Georgiana. Don't turn, Phil!
Christopher. No, the rest of us is hid!
Steven. I'm sorry, children! Father'd a great
deal rather play hide and seek, but he's got to go
to work. It's just like when you'd rather play but
have to study!
Philip. When I get growed, I shan't never do
anything I don't want to.
Georgiana. Then you'd be the most wonderful
person in the world, and they'd put you in
wax in the Eden Musée!
Steven. [Kissing Phil, then Chris, then
Toots.] Good-by, dears.
The Children. [Dolefully.] Good-by.
[Steven crosses to the door Left.
Georgiana. Never mind, I'll finish with you.
Don't turn around, Phil.
Lizzie. [At the door Left.] Beg pardon, sir, but
Moles has been and told me what you was going
to do for him, sir. Would you be considering it
great impertinence if I asked you to take six hundred
dollars what I've saved, sir, and do things
with it?
Steven. Certainly, Lizzie, send it by Moles in
the morning.
Lizzie. [Delighted.] Oh, thank you, sir!
Steven. I'm glad to do it; you've served us
faithfully for some years now, Lizzie.
[He goes out.
Lizzie. He's gone, miss.
[She goes out also.
Georgiana. [Calls.] Ready!
[Philip turns and looks about the room, then
begins to look under things. He sees his Aunt
Georgiana first and is about to touch her,
but she laughingly motions him not to and
points out Toots's hiding place.
Philip. [Finding Toots, touches him.] You're it!
Toots. [Very pleased.] I'm it! I'm it!
[Jumps up and down.
Christopher. [Disappointed.] Somebody find
me.
Philip. Oh, come on out from behind the curtain—you're—easy.
[Christopher comes out. Meanwhile Coleman
is heard calling, "Hello, Phil, Phil," outside
as he comes up the stairs.
Philip. [By the hobby horse.] It's Mr. Dick!
The Children. It's Mr. Dick!
Georgiana. Oh!
[Starts to get out from under the table, but Coleman
enters, so she crawls back.
[Lieutenant Richard Coleman is a handsome,
finely built man of about thirty-two. He is a
West Pointer, is a good oarsman, a crack shot,
and a good fellow all around. No finicking
about him, no nerves. Just a sane, healthy,
fine fellow.
Dick. Hello! Many happy returns, Phil.
[Shakes hands.] Where's your Aunt Georgiana!
[Silence.] Is she out?
Phil. No, she's under the table!
Christopher and Toots. [Delighted.] She's
under the table! She's under the table!
Dick. [Laughing.] What!
Philip. Hide and seek.
[Dick looks under the table; he and Georgiana
laugh.
Dick. Good morning, are you at home?
Georgiana. [Very embarrassed.] Oh, mercy!
Do go away so I can get out!
Dick. [Tremendously amused.] Come on
out!
Georgiana. No! I can't with you there.
[Laughing.] Please leave the room for just one
minute!
Dick. Not if I know it! Come on out!
Georgiana. Not for worlds! Go away, please!
[Dick shakes his head "No."] Then I shall never
come out.
Dick. Ah, but that's hardly fair, because I
want to talk to you comfortably.
Georgiana. Well, then, come on under!
Dick. Is there room?
Georgiana. A cable car conductor who knew
his business could seat four more people in here.
Dick. Still—I think I'm more comfortable up
here.
Georgiana. Selfish! Go on away! [Dick
shakes his head.] Children, if you love your
auntie, go for Mr. Dick with all your might and
main and push him into the hall.
[The children shout and rush toward Dick; they
catch hold of him.
The Children. Go away!
Dick. [With mock ferocity.] The first child I
get hold of I'll spank!
[The children laugh and shout and run away
from him to behind the table.
The Children. Spank!
Georgiana. Ogre! Very well! After all, I'm
not vain! It would take Barnum's human snake
to get out of this gracefully, anyway!
[Coming out, arranging her dress and hair.
Dick. Have some help?
Georgiana. No, thank you. But still, what a
horrid person you are, aren't you?
[They both laugh.
Dick. You aren't!
Georgiana. O dear me! Making up now
with a compliment! Well, what do you think of
my birthday antics? Playing hide and seek—or,
perhaps, trained elephants—doesn't interest
you!
Christopher. Lelephants! Oh, Auntie! Is
the circus coming?
[The children give themselves up to transports.
Phil hugs Toots and repeats "Circus."
Georgiana. No, darling, but this circus is going—your
old-maid aunt—to put herself to rights!
Dick. You couldn't improve on present appearances!
Georgiana. Really! Such fine speeches! But
they don't go with your manners! Would you
like to join in the game?
Philip. Oh, yes! Hurrah!
[Runs to Dick, when Mrs. Carley comes in
from the Left.
Mrs. Carley. Well! What's going on?
Philip. Birthdays!
Mrs. Carley. Not for me!
Georgiana. Don't you want to play hide and
go seek, mother?
Mrs. Carley. I'm playing it all the time with
old age! That's enough!
Georgiana. Well, excuse me, please, while I
repair damages.
[She goes out Right.
Dick. [Calls.] Come back.
Children. [Calling.] Come back!
Mrs. Carley. I want the children for a few
minutes.
The Children. [Disappointed.] Oh, Grannie!
[She goes to children and drives them off Left
ahead of her.
The Children. Oh, Grandma!
Mrs. Carley. Mrs. Vale is downstairs with the
twins, to wish Phil many happy returns.
[The children go out Left unwillingly. Mrs.
Carley comes back.
Dick. Going to spoil our game, Grandma?
Mrs. Carley. Don't you grandma me! You're
old enough for me to marry you.
Dick. Help!
Mrs. Carley. Don't worry! Having lost two
good husbands, I'm not going to risk losing a third.
Dick. I breathe freely once more.
Mrs. Carley. I thought Sammy Coast was
here.
Dick. Not since I came. He seems a clever
chap!
Mrs. Carley. We think so, and we hope so.
He adores Georgiana.
Dick. Oh!
Mrs. Carley. Huh! huh! [Dick walks away.]
What do you say to that match?
Dick. You don't mean?—
[Turns to Mrs. Carley.
Mrs. Carley. Looks like it! It would be a
fine thing for both of them. Sam could give her a
fortune, and Georgiana give him a big position.
Dick. But—
Mrs. Carley. He's crazy about her! Comes
here every day—follows her like a dog.
Dick. But it isn't—
Mrs. Carley. [Interrupting.] Not yet, but we
don't dare breathe! And we're on tiptoe for the
final word.
Dick. What does Steven say?
Mrs. Carley. Delighted, of course. [Walks
away a little.] I hope you haven't brought Steve
any tips to-day.
Dick. [Laughing.] No!
Mrs. Carley. Thank goodness! He doesn't
seem to have had any this week and the house has
been fairly quiet! [Georgiana comes back.] I
must go to Mrs. Vale. [Goes out.]
Georgiana. Mother looks pleased.
Dick. She's never very depressed, is she?
Georgiana. Yes, sometimes,—in the day-time!
It's largely a matter of frocks and bonnets,
and depends sometimes on the exact color
of her hair.
Dick. I often wonder that you keep on living
with Mrs. Carley and Louise. They can't help
being beastly uncongenial to you.
Georgiana. But Mrs. Carley brought me up.
She did her worst with the best intentions, and you
mustn't forget Steve! [She sits beside the table and
Dick leans against it to talk to her.] He's my own
brother, you know, and I'm so afraid Louise will
finally disillusion him and spoil his happiness.
I'm standing on guard.
Dick. You think a lot of Steve.
Georgiana. I love him better than any one
else in the world. [She adds in a very low voice.]
Almost!
[A short pause.
Dick. Steve comes second!
[Pause.
Georgiana. [Low voice and looking away.]
Perhaps.
Dick. I hope you don't mind my asking you
these questions.
Georgiana. No, I like it.
Dick. I don't want you to tell me anything
more than you care to.
Georgiana. [Turning and half laughing.]
That's very good of you.
Dick. But I wish you'd tell me everything.
Georgiana. My dear Dick, there isn't anything
more for me to tell.
Dick. Oh, very well, if you want to leave it
that way.
[Moving away.
Georgiana. Leave what?
Dick. I mean if that's all you want to tell me.
Georgiana. Why don't you tell me something.
Dick. That's what I've come to do.
Georgiana. Have you?
Dick. [Turns and faces Georgiana.] Our regiment
is ordered off to the Philippines.
Georgiana. Your regiment?
Dick. Yes.
Georgiana. [Breathless.] Who's going?
Dick. Who? Why, we're going, of course.
Georgiana. All of you?
Dick. Yes, all of us. There are two insurrections
on a couple of islands that must be put down,
and they want some fresh men.
Georgiana. But it will be awful warfare out
there, won't it, unfair, cruel, unlawful warfare?
Dick. I suppose that's what it's likely to be
with the natives until we teach them a thorough
lesson on every one of the infernal islands.
Georgiana. But—
[Hesitates, rises; they are both in front of the table.
Dick. But what?
Georgiana. [Pause.] But your business,—how
can you leave your office?
Dick. There are plenty of people who'll be
only too glad to take on my clients.
Georgiana. But when you come back?
Dick. If the worst comes to the worst, I'll have
to begin all over again.
Georgiana. No! Don't go—Dick! Don't
go!
Dick. Why not?
Georgiana. [Humorously, to cover her emotion.]
I don't want any one else to get your clients.
Dick. Oh, you were thinking of my career!
That'll take care of itself if I come back—and
if I don't—
Georgiana. Please!
Dick. They said we were a lot of dandies in the
regiment, and that if it ever came to fighting,
people'd see us back down!
Georgiana. But need you all go?
Dick. That's the glory of it! It's fine, Georgy.
There isn't a single man who'll be left behind, not
on any old excuse!
Georgiana. Splendid!
Dick. You do want me to go, then, don't you?
Georgiana. Yes, if it's like that, I want you to
go—but—I want you to come back, too!
[Almost breaking down.]
Dick. Hello! I believe you're crying.
Georgiana. I'm not!
Dick. [Tenderly, scarcely believing.] Do you
care so much as that, Georgy?
Georgiana. [Proudly.] Of course I care!
Dick. It's funny, isn't it—think how long
we've known each other.
Georgiana. [Still with a choke and a tear.]
I don't see why it's funny.
Dick. What I mean is, we're sentimental beasts—we
people.
Georgiana. Thank you, I don't care for the
way you put it.
Dick. [Takes a long breath.] Well, I wish you
joy, Georgiana.
Georgiana. Much obliged.
Dick. And good-by.
[Shakes hands.
Georgiana. [Rises.] Not now, for good.
Dick. [Laughing.] Oh, no, we aren't off for ten
days yet. But I wanted to tell my old pal first.
Georgiana. That was good of you. And you'll
come in often before you go, won't you, Dick?
Dick. You bet! Every chance I get.
[Both go up to the window. He has meant to go,
but she manœuvres him to the big seat instead.
Georgiana. And anything I can do for you?
[She sits.
Dick. [Sitting beside her.] Oh, I don't think
there can be anything.
Georgiana. Oh, yes, there is always something
women can do for men who go away to fight.
They make things! Let me make something for you.
Dick. Can't think of anything. Got everything
I want.
Georgiana. You're a lucky man to have everything
you want—and going off to the Philippines
with a jolly crowd of friends and glad you're going!
I take back all my sympathy, and I wouldn't make
you anything now if you asked me to.
Dick. And, by George, just when I'd thought
of something.
Georgiana. What?
Dick. [Laughing.] A court-plaster case!
Georgiana. You can buy one in a drug
store.
Dick. I ought to have some present to carry
in my breast pocket; don't you know bullets are
always warded off that way?
Georgiana. Oh, that was in the old romantic
days of the nineteenth century, and then it was a
prayer book or a bunch of love letters. To-day
it's much more apt to be a cigarette case!
[The children run in, led by Philip.
Philip. They've gone! Hurrah! They've
gone!
[Georgiana and Dick rise.
Christopher. They've gone! They've gone!
[Toots hangs on to Dick.
Philip. [Taking hold of Georgiana.] Come
on, now, our game, or we'll never have it!
Christopher. Blindman's buff!
Toots. Yes, blindman's buff!
Georgiana. [To Dick.] Are you game?
Dick. Just one round, and then I must be off.
I'll be blindfolded.
[Takes out his handkerchief.
Toots. I want to be blindfolded!
Philip. No! Let Mr. Dick!
Dick. [Giving his handkerchief to Georgiana.]
Will you blindfold me?
Georgiana. [Binds his eyes.] To my faults?
Dick. That would be Love's Labour Lost.
Georgiana. How do you mean Love's Labour
Lost?
Philip. Don't let him peek!
Dick. And whoever I catch, I kiss!
Philip. No, tell the name first!
Dick. No, I must play my own game, and that
is to kiss her first, and tell the name afterwards!
Georgiana. Now, turn him around three times,
Christopher. [Christopher does so, holding Dick
by the knees.] And keep away, everybody!
Christopher. Ready!
[All watch eagerly. Dick moves down stage,
reaching his arms out as a blindfolded person
does, but always with his arms too high to
catch one of the children.
Philip. Put your arms lower!
Christopher. Yes, you can only catch Aunt
Georgiana that way!
[Georgiana, happy, pinches Christopher's
arm playfully. Dick lowers his arms for a
moment, but purposely catches no one. Then
he lifts his arms a little towards Georgiana,
who cries out and moves, lifting Toots on
the table. Dick follows the sound of her voice
and catches hold of Toots's head.
Philip. [Excited.] Musn't move your hands!
Dick. Make her kiss me, then.
[Georgiana leans over, holding Toots to one
side, and kisses Dick herself.
Philip. [Delighted, calls out.] Guess who!
Guess who!
[Georgiana motions to the children not to tell
and moves away.
Dick. [Hearing the voice from where he supposes
the kiss came, he lakes off the bandage.
He sees Toots and is disappointed.] Why—I
thought it was Georgiana! Toots! You
rascal!
Christopher. [Trying to tell.] But Mr. Dick,
Mr. Dick!
[Toots laughs and claps hands. Georgiana
gets hold of Christopher and holds her hand
over his mouth. Georgiana and Christopher
follow Dick to the door Left.
Georgiana. [To Christopher, to stop his
telling.] Sh! [To Dick.] Good-by!
Dick. Good-by!
Toots. [Wanting to tell.] But—
Philip. Good-by! Good-by!
Georgiana. Good-by Dick! Come soon
again!
Dick. To-morrow!
Georgiana. I'll wait in all day!
Christopher. But Mr. Dick, it was—
[Georgiana hushes him with her hand over his
mouth.
Georgiana. Good-by!
Dick. Good-by!
[He goes out Left.
Christopher, Philip, and Toots. Good-by!
[Georgiana bursts into tears and hugs Toots on
top of the table.
Christopher. But it was you, Aunt Georgiana!
Georgiana. Don't any of you tell on auntie!
You won't, will you? Let auntie have her own
way.
the curtain falls
