MR. HOLDFAST’S DIARY.
Thursday, 3rd July.—No news of my
son. I see by this morning’s papers
that another vessel has arrived at Liverpool
from New York. It left four days after
the “Germanic,” so that, up to that time,
Frederick could not have called at the hotel
for the letter and money waiting there for
him. I am growing seriously uneasy. He
could not have mistaken my desire for a reconciliation.
What can have become of him?
He was in poor circumstances. Was he absolutely
in want? If he is dead, his death
lies at my door. A heavy lot is mine. I
shall never again know peace of mind until I
and Frederick clasp hands once more in love
and friendship.
Perhaps the secret enemy in New York who
worked against me—watching my movements
and in some mysterious way becoming acquainted
with every step I took—was working
also against my son, watching him and misdirecting
him, as I was misdirected. It is
not an unlikely supposition. As I was sent
in one direction in search of him, he may have
been sent in another in search of me. Thus
have we been kept apart from each other. It
is certain that, shortly after he called at my
hotel, he must have left New York. My hope
is, that nothing worse than poverty has befallen
him. I am appalled at the thought
that he may have been made to disappear,
and may never more be heard of. It has
been the fate of many a poor fellow in that
fevered city. I pray to God that my fears
may not prove true.
The people in this house are very quiet.
They do not appear to entertain the slightest
curiosity concerning me. I walk in and out
as few times as possible, and I have not met
one of the lodgers face to face. A man might
live here for years in perfect obscurity, and
die and be buried without being recognised,
if he pleased. There is no lonelier city in
the world than London.
What is my wife doing? Taking counsel
of her accomplice, Pelham, and debating with
him whether she shall accept the terms I have
offered her. She must accept them; she has
no alternative but the alternative of poverty
and exposure. A life of pleasure is before
her; it is all she lives for, and the income she
will receive from me will secure it. But
should she refuse? No, she will not refuse.
With such a cool, calculating villain as Pelham
to counsel her, the risk of a public exposure
is small.
Friday, 4th July.—The quietest of days.
Since Wednesday I have not exchanged a
word with a human being. No one takes the
slightest notice of me as I walk in and out.
Still no news of my son. To-morrow my wife
will be here, and there will be an end to my
state of inaction.
Saturday, 5th July.—The second interview
with my wife has terminated. She could
have had no intention of putting me on my
guard, but she has done so, and on Monday I
shall take a step which will prevent injustice
being done to my son, in case he is alive.
My wife came into my room, as on the last
occasion, closely veiled, and with spirits as
animated.
“My love,” she said, removing her hat and
cloak, and throwing them on the bed, “not a
soul saw me. The servant girl, with her face
as black as coal, opened the door, and asked
what I wanted. ‘The gentleman on the first
floor,’ I said, and pushed past her. And do
you know I took the precaution to disguise
my voice. She wouldn’t recognise me if she
heard me speak in my natural voice. I did
this for your sake, my dear—you are so
anxious for secrecy. Am I not considerate?
I don’t mind being seen and known, for I have
nothing to conceal, but I must obey you.
And how have you been all this time? Well,
I hope. How foolish you are to remain
cooped up in this miserable house when you
have a comfortable home waiting for you! I
have expected you—upon my word I have;
and your room is ready for you, with a nice
fire always burning, and your slippers, placed
right and left, just by your arm-chair. O, I
know what a wife’s duty is. Let me prevail
upon you. Come home with me now. I will
not reproach you—indeed I will not. I will
be just as faithful and loving as I have ever
been.”
She paused for my answer.
“You are wasting time,” I said. “You
know well that I shall never again enter my
house while you are there!”
“My dear,” she said, tapping my arm lightly
with a pearl fan I had given her, “you cannot
entirely deceive me. I have been thinking a
great deal. It is my belief you are a
Don Juan. I had my suspicions when
you first made love to me—an old gentleman
like you falling in love with a girl
like me, because I have a pretty face, and
bright eyes, and a lovely mouth. You were
fond of kissing it once—O, you men, you
men! Will artless women ever be a match
for you? I am afraid never, you speak so
softly, and promise so much. Yes, I have been
thinking a great deal, and I know all about it
now. I know why you have been absent so
long; I know why you come unexpectedly to
London, and hide yourself as you are doing;
I know why you will not enter your house
while I am there.”
She paused again, and half sullenly, half
gaily, gave me to understand that she expected
me to challenge her knowledge.
“It is of no interest to me,” I said, “but it
may bring us nearer to our real business
if I ask you for information on these points.”
“Why,” she said, with an impudent laugh,
“there is another lady in the case, of course,
who is to step into my shoes. It is useless
denying it. Old men are not to be trusted.
Come, my dear, make a clean breast of it. I
won’t scold you more than I can help. It is
quite natural, though. I have my feelings as
a woman, and I warn your new fancy to keep
out of my path. You must have been a sad
rake when you were young—almost as bad
as your son, who made love to me in the most
shameful manner; to me, his second mother.”
I scorned to pursue the subject. Wilful,
wicked, sinful and cunning, as she was, I felt
that to a certain extent it would be as well to
let her have her way with her tongue.
“When you have fully relieved your mind,”
I said coldly, “I am ready to enter into the
business matter which brings us together.”
But she had not yet done.
“Fie!” she exclaimed. “Business—business—business!
How often are you going to use
that word? Is love a business, then? You
can tell me, for you must have had hundreds
of sad adventures. I have had very few as
yet, but there is time for plenty more. My
dear, I positively refuse to enter into our
special little affair until you assure me there
is no other lady in the case.”
Compelled to reply, I said, “There is
none.”
She mocked me with a deep sigh, saying,
“You have taken a weight off my heart,” and
then in a brisk tone, “And now, my dear,
we will go into matters.” She drew her chair
close to the table, and produced a dainty little
pocket-book, in which she consulted some
slips of paper, a few of them covered with
figures. “You offer me,” she said, “twelve
hundred pounds a year, upon conditions
which will cover me with disgrace,
and make people point at me. Is that
correct?”
“Not quite,” I replied. “You have omitted
that you are to live out of England in any
name you choose except the name of Holdfast.
Your new acquaintances will know
nothing of your past life.”
“It will be a miracle if it is hidden from
them,” she said, betraying a method in her
speech which proved that she had carefully
rehearsed what she came prepared to say.
“I do not intend to live in a desert. If I am
driven by your cruelty from the country I
love, and where, with money, a lady may enjoy
all the pleasures of life, I shall live on the
Continent, in France, Italy, Germany, where I
please, but certainly where I can best enjoy
myself. English people travel everywhere,
and I shall be sure to drop across old acquaintances,
or, at least, people who know me at
sight. My face is too pretty to be forgotten.
Perhaps you will admit that I cannot lose myself
entirely, and that Lydia Holdfast, by
whatever name she goes, will always be Lydia
Holdfast in the eyes of casual or close acquaintances.”
“I shall not relate my troubles to any one,”
I observed, as yet ignorant of her intention
in adopting this line of argument, “nor need
you, if you choose to preserve silence.”
“Have you not already spoken of what
has occurred?” she asked, with a keen glance
at me. “Have you not already selected confidants
to whom you have poured out false
stories of your wrongs?”
“No man or woman in the world possesses
my confidence. My griefs are sacred.”
“How poetical! But although we shall
not talk, other people will. Men and women
are so charitable! They don’t like scandal,
and it hurts them so much to rob even the
most innocent woman of her character! No,
no, my love; I know the world better than to
believe that. Not that I have ever taken
away a character, man or woman’s, but then
everybody is not like me, artless, and simple,
and inexperienced!” (No words of mine can
convey an idea of the impudent manner in
which she thus lauded herself, knowing the
while and knowing that I knew, that she was
speaking in mockery. If she desired to
irritate me by this exhibition of effrontery,
she failed. I preserved my composure
throughout the entire scene. She continued:)
“So, my character would be completely
taken away, and ladies with whom I should
wish to be on friendly terms would turn their
backs upon me. I should be thrown into the
company of women who would not be admitted
into a decent house, and of men
whose only aim would be to pass their time
agreeably and play upon my feelings. My
dear, I am fond of good society; I doat upon
it; and it breaks my heart to think that
respectability would shrug its respectable
shoulders at me. It is right that I should
put it plainly to you, is it not?”
“Go on,” I said, “you have more to say,
and have come prepared.”
“Oh, yes, I am prepared, you see. I am
obliged to consult my notes, my poor little
head is so weak. You remember how I used
to suffer with it, and how often you bathed it
for me. Gold would not have been too good
for me to eat then, would it? A look
would bring you at my feet; you could not
do enough for me; and now, I daresay, you
would like to give me a dose of poison.
What courage I must have to shut myself in
here with you alone, where nobody knows
either of us, and where you might murder
me, and run away without fear of discovery!
It is the courage of innocence, my dear.
Where did I leave off just now? O, about
my being deprived of respectable society, and
thrust into the company of blackguards.
And for this, and for giving up my beautiful
home and position and forfeiting my good
name, you offer me twelve hundred pounds a
year. And you, worth millions!”
“You mistake. My business is broken up,
and I am not so rich as you suppose.”
“You are a miser, my dear. You are
worth at least ten thousand a year. I do not
forget what you told me when you honoured
me with your love and confidence. At least
ten thousand, and I am to accept twelve
hundred. My darling husband, it is not
enough. Wherever I live I shall require an
establishment. I have your daughter to
bring up—the darlingest little thing you ever
saw! You shall not see her now if I can
prevent it—casting shame upon her, as you
have done, before she has learnt to say
Mama! I will do my duty by her—a
mother’s duty, and a father’s duty as well,
and I will bring her up to hate you. If you
live long enough you shall be made to feel it.
And now, when she cannot speak for herself,
I am to stand like a tame cat, and see her
robbed! She is to be made a beggar. Such
a beautiful girl as she will have to go in rags,
because the father who disowns her is a mean,
stingy monster. I hope I do not offend you,
my dear, but the truth is the truth, and had
best be spoken. Yes, she will be beautiful—but
beauty and beggary—— Well, we know
what becomes of that partnership. She shall
not be compelled to sell herself, as I did, to
an old money-bag, with no heart, and you
shall not cheat her and me of what is due to
us. No, my dear, I stand up for my child,
as every mother should.”
“Tell me,” I said, “in as few words as
possible, what it is you want.”
“I shall use,” she replied, “as many words as
I please. You would like to rob me of my
tongue as well as of my rights. What is it I
want? An establishment—money to provide
a suitable home for your discarded child.”
“How much money.”
“Three thousand pounds—not less.”
“You shall have it; in addition to the
annuity I have offered you.”
“How generous you are! What a pity
you were not a young man when you met me
first! We might really have got on very
well together for a few years, until you were
tired of me or I was of you. Three thousand
pounds will be little enough to furnish with,
but I must manage. Then there’s the house;
and living abroad is so expensive. It is like
going into exile—the same as those dear
French refugees. It will cost at least three
thousand a year; I can’t see how it is to be
done for less. And to wait every quarter for
the cheque to pay servants, and butchers, and
bakers, and dressmakers. No, my dear, it
would be too harassing—it would be the
death of me. So I have consulted a friend—a
lady friend—you don’t believe me? You
think it’s a gentleman friend. Well, my dear,
I shall not quarrel with you on that point.
Say a gentleman friend, then; I’m not particular.
He has advised me not to place any
dependence on a man who has treated me as
you have done. He is right. I will not place
dependence on you. I will not take
your word, and I will not be satisfied with a
paper drawn up by a lawyer of your
choosing. Lawyers are rogues; they will do
anything for money, and you are rich enough
to buy them. No, my darling husband, it
must be a sum of money down, and then we
will say good bye, and agree never to kiss
and be friends. It would be as if we had
never known each other.”
Desirous to ascertain how far her cupidity
had led her, or rather the extent of the demand
her associate Pelham had instructed her
to make, I pressed her to be quite explicit.
With some show of timidity—for the stake
she was playing for was enormous—she wrote
upon a leaf in her pocket-book the sum for
which she would agree to release me. It was
fifty thousand pounds. I tore the leaf in two
and threw it into the fireplace, with the simple
word, “Impossible.”
“Why impossible?” she asked, biting her
lips, with a wicked look at me.
“It is more than half my fortune,” I
replied.
“I am entitled to more than half,” she
retorted. “I shall have your child to educate
and provide for, and a woman’s expenses are
larger than a man’s. Dress, amusements,
nurses, governesses—there are a thousand
things to pay for which you would never
dream of. What I ask for is really moderate.
You are lucky you have not to deal with some
women; they would not let you off so easily.
Let me persuade you, my dear. Put an end
to all this worry, give me a cheque, and let
us say good-bye to each other.”
“I shall put an end to it, if you compel
me,” I said, firmly, “in the manner I have
determined upon, in the event of your refusal
to listen to reason. In right and justice you
are not entitled to a shilling; your shameful
life should properly meet its just punishment,
and would, at the hands of a man less weak—I
will not say less merciful—than I. The terms
I have offered you are foolishly liberal, but I
will adhere to them, and am ready to bind
myself to them, unless you drive me to another
course. I will give you the three thousand
pounds you ask for to set up and furnish a
house, and I shall require proof that the
money is so expended. But as for any other
large sum of money down, as you express it,
in lieu of the annuity I offer you, or any
increase of that annuity, receive from me the
distinct assurance that under no possible circumstances
shall I consent to it. If I could
find plainer and stronger words to impress
this upon you, I would do so, but I think you
understand me. The friend who is advising
you is advising you to your injury, and is
mistaken in me. There is a point beyond
which it is dangerous to drive me, and if I
once turn, you will find yourself a beggar.”
“You are growing bold, my love,” she
said.
“You are mistaken again,” I said. “If I
were bold, I should order you immediately
from this room. If I were bold, I should set
the lawyers at work without an hour’s delay.
But recrimination is useless, and can lead to
no good result. Why do you conduct yourself
like an actress when we two are alone,
and there are no witnesses to be misled or
deceived? We know each other. No argument
could convince you that I am anything
but a weak, old man, who in an unhappy
moment entrusted his honour to one who
brought shame and misery to his heart and
home, or could convince me that you are a
good and virtuous woman. Why, then, should
we prolong this interview? I made you a
most generous offer. You asked me for three
days to consider it, and now you come, and
for some purpose—not a wise one, I judge—introduce
propositions to which you can
never induce me to agree.”
“I am fighting for my rights,” she said
sullenly, and I knew that I had made an impression
upon her. “You have ruined my
life; I might have married a richer man than
you. Why did you spoil my chances? It
would be a million times better for me if you
were dead, for then your property would all
be mine, instead of the miserable allowance
you offer me.”
She suddenly paused, conscious that she
had made a mistake. It is likely that she
was apprised of her error by an expression in
my face produced by her words, for it is a
fact that up to this moment I had forgotten
that I had made a Will by which everything
I possessed was left to her, solely and unconditionally.
I had made this Will in haste,
after I had broken with my son, who at that
time was my heir. It was a proof of my confidence
in the woman who betrayed me—one
of those foolish acts of which angry men are
often guilty, done in haste, to be repented of
in leisure unless timefully atoned for. Thank
God there is time to repair this error!
I gave no expression to my thoughts; it
was necessary to be careful in the presence of
such a woman as my wife. But so anxious
was she to assure herself of the exact position
in which she stood that she over-reached herself
in her cunning.
“Have you made another Will?” she asked.
“No,” I replied. “There is time before
me; I am not yet quite broken-down.”
She breathed more freely, and said meekly,
“Yes, there is time before you in which you
can dispossess me and my child. When this
dreadful dispute is over, I shall have no
further claim upon you. Are you really
determined not to be a little more generous
to me? Will you not give me fifteen hundred
a year?”
I was not to be deceived by her mock
humility; heaven only knows what was
hidden beneath it.
“I am not to be moved,” I said, “and there
must be an end at once to prevarication.
Your answer must be ‘yes,’ or ‘no,’ and it
must be given quickly.”
“To-day?” she asked.
“If not to-day, at least within the next
three or four days,” I replied. “I will no
longer be kept in a state of suspense.”
She looked at me with a sad expression,
which might have deceived another man.
“On Wednesday, then,” she said, “at two
o’clock, I will give you my final answer. It
must be ‘Yes,’ of course, for you are strong
and I am weak, but I will wait till then. I
am bound to consult my friend before I
commit myself.”
All her gaiety appeared to have deserted
her. In silence she put on her hat and shawl,
and bade me good morning, saying she would
come at two o’clock on Wednesday.
I mistrust her; I will delay no longer. On
Monday I will draw out another Will, making
my son my heir, and in case of his not being
alive—which God forbid!—leaving my money
to charitable purposes.
It is a relief to reflect that my anxiety regarding
my wife will soon be at an end. She
cannot but consent to my proposal, and then
I shall be free from her for ever. Would to
God I had never seen her!
Sunday, 6th July.—This has been truly a
Sabbath Day, a day of prayer, to me, and has
been passed in contemplation of my past life,
and in supplications for the future. If a man
could but see the consequences of his errors
before he was committed to them, how much
misery to himself, how much injustice to
others, would be avoided! It is almost incredible
that, blessed in the memory of a wife
with a pure heart and mind, I should have
been led into a second marriage with such a
woman as Lydia Wilson. The fault was
more mine than hers. She had led a life of
shame and duplicity, and it was not to be
expected that the simple forming of an acquaintanceship
with me would change her
character. I should have been wiser, or at
least more prudent. I ought certainly to have
made an inquiry into the truth or falsehood
of the story she told me, or I might have
considered that the union of a man of my age
with a woman of hers could not be a happy
one. It is too late now to repent of an act
which has brought its own just and bitter
punishment. The only reparation I can make
is to endeavour to repair the evil consequences
which have ensued. The one aim of
my life, after the settlement with my wife is
accomplished, will be to find my son. I
will advertise for him in the English and
American newspapers, and this surely will
bring me news of him. But it may not be
necessary; he may be with me any time
this week. If a father’s prayers could bring
him to my side he would be here at this
moment.
Monday, 7th July.—I have been employed
during a great part of the day in preparing
and writing a new Will. Not wishing to
consult a lawyer and so to make known my
presence in London, and fearful also of delay,
I purchased at a stationer’s shop, at some
distance from Great Porter Square, printed
forms of Wills from which I drew out a
testamentary disposition of my property.
This task occupied me until four o’clock in
the afternoon, and the next task was to
obtain witnesses to my signature. These
could have been obtained in the house, but
if I had attempted it I should have destroyed
my incognito. I went to the shop of the
stationer of whom I purchased the printed
forms, and I returned them to him, and
made some small purchases, to the amount
of a couple of sovereigns. I then asked the
shopkeeper whether he would have any objection
to witnessing my signature to a Will,
and to allowing an assistant who was serving
in the shop also to witness it. He consented,
and I signed without giving him a
clear opportunity of distinguishing my name;
the names of the witnesses followed, and the
Will was complete. In payment of the service
rendered to me I left in the man’s
shop the goods I had bought and paid for;
I had no use for them.
The Will is before me now, and I have
read it carefully over. Everything appears
to be stated in proper legal form, and I have
no doubt that it sets my last Will completely
aside. What I have done myself
without the aid of lawyers has been simply
a measure of precaution for the next few
days. Wednesday, I hope, will be the last
day of my enforced retirement.
Wednesday, 8th July.—It is now four
o’clock. My wife entered my room at one
o’clock, an hour before that appointed for
our meeting. I did not hear her step on
the stairs or in the passage, and not expecting
her I was looking over the Will I made
yesterday and the pages of the diary I have
kept since I became a lodger in this house.
As she entered, suddenly and unexpectedly,
I threw a newspaper over my writing, not
wishing to excite her suspicions or to arouse
her curiosity; but, as I soon discovered, I
was not successful. She was in her usual
gay mood, and came in with smiles and bright
looks.
“Well, my dear,” she said, “here I am,
punctual to the minute.”
“You are an hour too early,” I replied,
“our appointment was for two o’clock.”
“One o’clock, my dear,” she said, correcting
me.
“It is immaterial,” I said, “and if it
bring our business to a speedier conclusion,
the mistake of an hour will be agreeable to
me.”
She nodded pleasantly, and, as in our previous
interviews, took off her hat and mantle,
and placed them aside.
“You have been busy,” she said, pointing
to the newspaper which covered my papers.
“Are you writing a book?” I did not
answer her, and she continued, still preserving
her light tone. “Make me your
heroine, my love, but do not be too hard to
me. Say something good of me if you can.
You may say that, after all, I showed my good
sense, and agreed to your proposals.”
“Am I to accept this as an acquiescence in
the arrangement I have proposed?”
“Yes, my dear; I have grown sensible. I
give in to all your terms. I will go away
from England, and will never, never return.
I will give up the name of Holdfast; I will
even forget the name of Lydia, and will go
out into the world a new woman. A better
one, I hope. There is but one thing I insist
upon. Now that I have made up my mind,
and that nothing can alter it—nothing, my
dear; I would not live with you again if you
were to entreat me on your knees—I want
this business matter settled at once, this very
day.”
“How can that be done?” I asked.
“Easily,” she replied. “Draw up a paper
for me to sign, and another for you to sign.
I will take them away with me, and will show
them to my lawyer. Yes, my love, I have
consulted a lawyer, and he has advised me to
agree to all you propose. If he says the
papers are properly drawn out, I will come
again to-night, at ten o’clock, and will bring
my lawyer with me, to see that they are
regularly signed. I will keep my agreement,
and you will keep yours, and to-morrow
morning I will leave your house, and you can
go home and take possession. Nobody but
ourselves will be the wiser, and your secret
and mine will never be known to the world.”
“I am no lawyer,” I said; “I do not know
whether I can draw up the agreement in legal
form.”
“Try, my love,” she said; “you are fond
of writing, and have had great experience.
You can put anything you please in the
paper you wish me to sign. You can make
it, if you like, a confession from me that I
have been a faithless wife, and that my child
is not yours. I will sign it. That will suit
you, will it not? And it will give you such
a hold upon me that, if I break my word, you
can release yourself from me, without ever
paying me a shilling. That is fair, I am sure,
and afterwards, if you are not satisfied with the
agreements, your lawyer can draw up others
more binding on both of us. I am so sick of
you, my love, that nothing else will satisfy
me but an immediate break between us. Do
I not put myself entirely in your power? If
you refuse now, I shall leave you to take
any steps against me you choose.”
I considered a few moments, and then
consented. To go to law, to sue for a
divorce, was a matter of months. The plan
she proposed was all in my favour, and it
would leave me free to recommence immediately
the search for my son. I would
draw up such a paper as would bind her
beyond hope of appeal, and all danger of
publicity would be avoided.
“Who is your lawyer?” I asked.
She produced a letter from a lawyer in
Buckingham Palace Road replying to certain
points she had submitted to him. I was
satisfied, and said that I would endeavour
to draw up the agreements.
It was a work of time—of quite two hours—and
while I was employed over the papers
she sat down before the piano in my room,
which I had never opened, and played the
sweetest melodies with which she was
familiar. She betrayed no impatience; only
once did she rise from the piano, and disarranged
the papers on the table, in pretended
search of her handkerchief.
“Quite an author,” she remarked as her
eyes fell upon the pages of my diary, among
which was my new Will.
Nothing of greater importance occurred.
The agreements being ready, she read them
over slowly, and simply said:
“You have protected yourself, my love.”
“I have stated the truth,” I replied, “and
your signature will verify it.”
She remained with me some short time
after this, making frivolous remarks, to which
I returned but brief answers. Then she left
me, on the understanding that she would come
to the house at ten o’clock to sign the papers,
which she took with her.
On reflection, I think it will be wise even
now to be on my guard against her. She
saw the pages of my diary, and might have
seen the Will. I will put them out of
her reach. The room next to this is empty,
and the door is unlocked. I will go and see
if I can secrete them there....
There is in that room, in an old-fashioned
table, an empty drawer which might easily
escape observation. There is a small key in
the lock. I will deposit these pages at once
in the drawer, where they will be safe for a
few hours.
My long agony is approaching its end.
Impatiently I wait for the night.