German Wit and Humor

About this eBook

Author

Downes, Minna Sophie Marie Baumann, 1858-

Title

German wit and humor : A collection from various sources classified under appropriate subject headings

Original Publication

Philadelphia: George W. Jacobs & Co., 1903.

Credits

Tim Miller and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at www.pgdp.net (This book was produced from scanned images of public domain material from the Google Books project.)

Language

English

LoC Class

PT: Language and Literatures: Germanic, Scandinavian, and Icelandic literatures

Subject

German wit and humor

Category

Text

Project Gutenberg

eBook-No. 74708

Release Date

November 8, 2024

Copyright

Public domain in the USA.

Contents

1. 1.Untitled
2. 2.Contents
3. 3.German Wit and Humor — CHAPTER I Humor of the Sixteenth Century — The Fool’s Lesson — The Wisdom of a Fool — A Good Shot — The One-legged Crane — Justice Obscured by a Pig
4. 4.CHAPTER II Humor of the Seventeenth Century — The Farmer’s Belief — The Monk’s Trick — A Brief Sermon — A Bright Reply — A Large Recipe — A Trapful — His Turn — A Sympathetic Parson — Delayed Justice — Luck — Somewhat Mixed — The Wrong Man — The Rogue’s Coat — His Wiser Half — Adventures of Baron von Munchhausen — Munchhausen’s Partridges — Munchhausen’s Black Fox
5. 5.CHAPTER III For Gunners — An Enthusiastic Nimrod — Pleasure of Tiger Hunting — A Staff as a Firearm — A Master Shot — Recognized — Never at a Loss — A Malicious Proposition — He Wanted Witnesses — Enlightened Him — The Stolen Deer — A Poor Excuse — A Gunner’s Memory — Improving Opportunities — A Gunning Yarn — A Sign of Recognition — Too Small a Price — Banter — Cautious — Queer — A Dog’s Intelligence — Caught Him — Thoroughly Reformed — He Remembered — Great Consolation — Logic — On a Bear Hunt — A Very Remarkable Shot — A Kind Neighbor — A Good Excuse — Killed One — Age Limit — Contradiction — Somewhat Uncertain — A Gentle Hint — A True Sunday Gunner — A Good Excuse — Consolation — Putting a Stop to Gunners’ Yarns
6. 6.CHAPTER IV For Doctors — Depends Upon Which He Strikes — At the Clinic — Absent-Minded — Entered In — At an Operation — At the Hospital — Consistency — The Ruling Passion — The Medicine Chest — Doctors Not Unlike Policemen — Bound to Succeed — The Co-laborers — No Need of a Doctor — Practice Makes Perfect — A Dyeing Patient — Curiosity — The Greater Risk — Lung Trouble — How He Got Home — Out of Joint — Patience — Death Loves a Shining Mark — Rheumatism or Gout — Humor on the Deathbed — Very Ill — Poor Schleiermacher — Who Was Right — A New Cure for Headache — Strange Effects of Alcohol — Good for Asses — Wanted a Return for Her Money — His Reward — Better Than Half a Nose — Kill or Cure — Dr. Schweninger as a Statue — An Uncertain Bargain — Natural Death — “Got You at Last” — Drinks What is Good — Precaution — Reciprocity — Secrets of Medical Science — A Pointed Answer — How He Took the Pills — Had Them in His Head — Too Much Mustard
7. 7.CHAPTER V For Lawyers — Fame and Wealth — Rewarded Industry — Secret and Public — Evidence of Dishonesty — Of Course — An Honest Lawyer — Out of Business — Short Work — Question and Answer — At Examination — Suggestive Question — Final Farewell — Saving in Vain — No Criminal — A Modern Solomon — Direct or Indirect — Mortgages — Her Age — It Makes a Difference — Don’t Go — An Acquired Interest — Fatal — A Great Temptation — Misplaced Pathos — Before the Court — Curious to Hear — Among Ourselves — Wished to Confess — A Fatal Cold — Doing the Honors — Needed His Tools — Malicious — Taken Aback — Force of Habit — At the Mercy of the Court — His First Attempt — Difference of Statement — On Time — Doubtful Presents — Unstable Evidence — Willing to Show Him — He Understood — Importance of Being Precise — Objected to Income Tax — A Witness Against His Will — A Pointed Suggestion — On His Side — A Legal Tilt — Finally
8. 8.CHAPTER VI A Chapter for Composers and Music Lovers — Mozart’s Affection — Mozart Before the Emperor — A Rapid Composer — Criticised the Emperor — Mozart’s Generosity — George Friedrich Händel — Reading at Sight — About as Well as the Cook — Home Again — Too Particular — The Villain — F. Joseph Haydn — Haydn’s Strategy — These Brought Contentment — Haydn and the Ship-Captain — Had No Use for Haydn’s Music — Haydn’s Kindness — Franz Schubert — Schubert’s Facility — Orpheus and His Followers — Carpenter and Weber — Singing by Sight — Shoes Versus Music — They Knew Nothing — A Lucrative Position — Ludwig van Beethoven — He Beat the Emperor — Brains Versus an Estate — Forgot to Eat — Beethoven’s Poverty — Beethoven’s Domestic Troubles — Indifference to Dress and Fashion — Remedy for Ennui — Paganini and the Cab Driver — Meyerbeer’s Preference — Rossini and His Watch — He Didn’t Mean It — How a Fugue Was Made
9. 9.CHAPTER VII For and About Travelers, Tourists, and Summer Boarders — At the Railway Station — Why He Curtained the Window — No Cause for Alarm — Sticking to the Date — A Tough Parrot — Always Demonstrating — Characteristics of European Capitals — That Depends — On a Steamer Between Lauterburg and Worms — Effective — Counted Everything Twice — She Struck It — Constant Change — On the Alps — A Striking Resemblance — How to Secure Notoriety — Complimentary — Running Water — A Scarcity of Something — Ruin Enough — Flooded — Marking the Spot — A Drawback to Wealth — Appreciative Tourist — Prays for All Poor Sinners — What a Pity — The Altitude of the Depth — Couldn’t Hear the Waterfall — Beautiful Sunsets — Soft and Tender — Misunderstood — The East Wind — Frozen Music — Need Not be Told — Cheap Pleasure — No Need of Cows — Had His Choice — A New Driver — Wanted a Cheap Bath — At Home on the Lake — Imported Air — A New Flavor — A Matter of Looks — Flattered
10. 10.CHAPTER VIII On Cycling — Street Scene of the Future — Luck — Lies Elsewhere — A Pair of Them — Effect — Too Early to Talk — Wouldn’t Appear Ridiculous — Each to His Need — What Papa Brought Home from His Trip — A New Word
11. 11.CHAPTER IX Authors, Scientists, Artists, and other Celebrities — Immanuel Kant and His Hostess — The Church Steeples — Goethe as a Skater — Goethe as a Ghost — Goethe’s Gallantry — Goethe or the Devil — Schiller’s Witty Reply — Schiller’s Birthplace — The Difference — An Appropriate Text — A Flash of Wit — The Other Half — A Grave Joke — Linné’s Revenge — Never Drank Water — A Great Advantage — Thorwaldsen’s Teeth — Gone Crazy — Anything But His Medicine — Failed to Appreciate the Laugh — Crebillon’s Choice — Absent-minded — A Hard “Not” — A Frank Answer — Unbiased Opinion — An Interesting Pose — Altruism — Both May Be Mistaken — Very Slow — Stars in the Wrong Places — All Score — Grillparzer and Hebbel — A Sad Waste — Slightly Misunderstood — Gotthold Ephraim Lessing — Forgot to Count the Money — Who He Was — Called Him Names — Absent-minded Men — Force of Habit — Will Call Again — Saphiriana — Lend and Forget — Saphir’s Witty Reply — Case Not Parallel — A Painter’s Stick — According to His Need — Heinrich Heine — To the End — Alexander von Humboldt — A Famous Climber — An Unexpected Find — Murder Will Out — Johann Heinrich Pestalozzi — Taken for a Tramp — Caught for a Thief — His Awkwardness — Melanchthon’s Hobby — Invited Himself to Dinner — Sedan and Ses Dents — The Rothschilds — Wanted to Keep on Growing Old — Risked Life for Wealth — Saved His New Hat — No Great Art — Style Neutral — A Bit of Diplomacy — No Cause for Weeping — Her Private Voice
12. 12.CHAPTER X On the Stage and Off — To a Critic — A Candid Answer — The Prelate and the Singer — Acute Hoarseness — Comforting Words — Forgot to Crow — Don’t Meddle — Very Obliging — The Young Assyrian — Nature, not Art — The Methodist’s View — Asking His Pardon — Peter and the Cock — The Actor’s Generosity — Art and Artist — The Horse-Thief — Truth and Fiction
13. 13.CHAPTER XI The German Soldier — The Greater Misfortune — Sitting and Standing — The Soldier’s Requisites — Diplomatic — The Recruit’s Use for His Head — An Unconscious Repetition — A Queer Way of Reckoning — The Standing Army — The Odd Pair of Boots — The Jew’s Reasoning — Dense Stupidity — Proved — No Swearing on Sunday — Guarding the Sentry-box — On the Parade-ground — An Important Question — The Listening Angels — Only Two Straws — Marrying for Love — His Own Handkerchief — The Cold Ice — A Charitable Institution — An Unexpected Answer — Saved His Honor — It Depends — More True Than Kind — An Appropriate Gift — Thankful For Anything — The Lost Colonel — Too Cautious — A Pertinent Question — Subordination — Modest — Poison in It — Nothing Else to Do — His Size — He Forgot Himself — A Strenuous Captain — Not Very Clear — Never Deserts — One Thing Forgotten — Rather Mixed — Disagreeable — At the Swimming School — A Cunning Sergeant — Fault of the Target — Couldn’t Ride — The Horse’s Grudge — Condescension — Bivouac Punch — It Depends on His Looks — Too Far Away — For His Helmet’s Sake — A Good Shot — Remedy for Don Juans
14. 14.CHAPTER XII Crowned Heads and Some of Their Famous Statesmen and Generals — No Money, No Gun — The Living and Not the Dead — Good Advice — The Unusual Postilion — The Fourth Vow — The Two Exceptions — The Empty Upper Story — An Effectual Cure — Punished by Proxy — Did Not Stammer When Singing — Without Mercy — He Did Not Understand — In His Majesty’s Service — The King Would Run Too — Would Declare War — The Snuff Box of Frederick the Great — The Bishop’s Cloak — Deserved His Rest — Thoughtfulness for Others — A Double Reward — A Scarcity of Chairs — He Turned the Tables — A Chronic Cough — No Relation — Plenty of Company — No Suggestions Wanted — Cobblers Lacking — Deserved a Title — The Two Moves — Another Victory — Portraits of His Ancestors — Poor Shots — Could Not Whistle For Laughing — Under the Weather Vane — An Unfortunate Remark — A Profitable Call — Dislike of Formality — Too Much Work — Too Hungry for Speeches — Too Much for Him — Through Thick and Thin — He Helped the Donkey — Changed His Order — His Early Reign — Too Much Game — The Greater Lion — At His Expense — The Emperor’s Thoughtfulness — Socks with Knots — A Cause for Thankfulness — Equal to the Occasion — The Day’s Expenses — Contents of the Drawer — That Was Different — Coffee Instead of Water — Had No Use For It — Made For the Boys — A Change of Methods — Presented With a Leg — Followed Instructions — Without Success — No Speeches, Please — Obedience to Rules — Sausage as a Remedy — To Suit All Parties — He Rose — A Novel Signal — Despatch Sending Without Suspicion — The Overburdened Horse — Without Intent — A Monotonous Diet — They Danced to His Music — The Better Cigar — His Winter Wheat — Looked Like One of Them — Wig Instead of Handkerchief
15. 15.CHAPTER XIII Students in the Fatherland — Obvious — Perhaps He Was Right — A Reminder — Long Buried — Remember Me — Gave Him Away — The Persistent Creditor — Watchman or Donkey — He Had the Watch — Knew His Father — An Acquired Taste — Twice Fetched — The Tell-tale Ticket — Wonderful Knowledge — Coffee Not Education — An Apt Retort — The Other Side — His Occasional Look — The Fifth Drink — A New Treatment — An Ambiguous Amendment — A Repetition by Request — He Drank Beer — One Was Enough — Preferred Something Stronger — Two Alike — Ridiculous Idea — Double Dodging — With Intent — She Knew Students — Impossible — Was Prepared — Worse Than He First Thought
16. 16.CHAPTER XIV Women and Children — Different Ways of Wooing — A Pretty Compliment — A Habit of His — Tender-hearted — When the Tide Comes In — Malady to Suit the Place — He Knew — A Protection — Would Change His Mind — Retaliation — Suited the Case — A Worthy Setting — Women’s Rights — Depends on the Age — Extract From a Love-Letter — Economical Unhappiness — Not What He Expected — To Please Him — Must Scream — The Newest — Painted Angels — No Economy Necessary — Ignorant Professor — The Flirt — The Convenient Grandmother — Sharpening His Teeth — Butter, Then Cheese — Thoroughly Washed — Forethought — To Suit Her Mourning — Inhospitality — Too Literal — A Fatal Mistake — Her Faulty Geography — A New Composer — Eels by the Yard — A Hint — A Young Lady’s Diary on an Ocean Steamer — Toast to Women — A Precaution — A Novice in Gardening — Poor Memory — A Different Meaning — Twenty Years Later — Hard on Him — Her Idea of Rome — Misunderstood — Not Men Pleasers — Depends on the Kind — A Question of Likes — Thought for the Future — Conclusive Evidence — Misery Loves Company — Uncle and the Donkey — The Unsuccessful Ruse — An Ancient Fowl — A Classical Maid — From the Diary of a Singer — Deep Mourning — Without Nerves — Unaccountable Stupidity — A Gentle Hint — A Suggestive Question — The Swan Song — A Slight Misunderstanding — The Boy Understood — A Child’s Request — The Order of Things — A Large Hood — Not to Her Liking — Her Fears — Only the Repair Angel — A Question of Belief
17. 17.CHAPTER XV Miscellaneous — A Rope Without End — The Long Dressing-gown — A Suabian Prussian-hater — Equal to the Occasion — The Last Train — A Questionable Dish — The Host Could Not Leave — Proof Without Doubt — A Question of Numbers — Difference of Opinion — He Could Not Swim — Gave What They Wished — Located at Last — A Wife’s Ten Commandments — Tempi Passati — Forgot His Name — The Lion’s Share — A Pious Wish — The End in Sight — Flattering Likeness — The Stove Smoked — A Novelty — A Wonderful Cure — No Apology Necessary — More Reliable — Easily Explained — A Karlsbad Scheme — A Good Financier — Why Eve Had no Servant — Would Suit Exactly — Reason — There Would Be No Use — Good Advice — Appropriate to Men — A Distinction — Cheap Communication — Objected to Her Mother — His Confession — A la Munchausen — He Found Them — A Horse-thief’s Excuse — The Henpecked Husband — Without Charm — The Janus Statue at Munich — Conscientious — In the Laundry — His Love for Lilacs — His Mistake — Popularity—A Fable — Asked Too Much — A Reliable Guide — An Adjustment of Accounts — Claims to Greatness — Caught — A Shopping Aid — The Very Latest — A Select Neighborhood — Tricks of Fate — Another Consideration — Each Had Its History — Change of Disposition — Taking Man’s Place — Adding Insult to Injury — It Could Accomplish Much — Ill-Luck — Modern Alternative — The Lesser Danger — Extended Payments — Much in Demand — A Modern Dowry — A Polite Gentleman — An Obedient Patient — A Bad Position — Laconic — The Life-Saver — No Danger — Inexperienced — Cautious — Not so Bad as Painted — An Indirect Cure — A Practical Savings-bank — Anonym Did It — A Good Example — Pride of Birth — Logic — The Wrong Way — A Good Excuse

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