Yes, this was about the time I got interested in the bettin’
barber over at Boggs. He hasn’t anything to do with this
story I’m about to tell ya, except that it was him ’at give
the Friar his name; so I’ll just skim through this part as
hasty as possible. When a feller is tellin’ me a story, I
want him to stick to the trail of it; but it seems like when
I try to tell one, myself, some feller is allus askin’ me a
question ’at takes me clear out o’ range.
All barbers are more or less different, except in what
might be called the gift o’ gab. This one came out to Boggs
station, an’ started a shop. His name was Eugene, an’ he
was a little man with two rollin’ curls to his front hair,
which he wore short behind. A curious thing about little
men is, that they don’t never find it out. A little man produces
more opinions ’n airy other kind, an’ being small,
they haven’t no place to store ’em up until they get time
to ripen. A little man gives out his opinion an’ then looks
savage—just as if he’d get a switch an’ make ya believe
it, whether you wanted to or not.
Eugene had come from every city the’ is in the world,
an’ he used to tell scandalous tales about the prominent
people who lived in ’em whose hair he had cut. He was
also familiar with the other things which had happened
since they’ve begun to write history, an’ if any one would
doubt one of his statements, he’d whirl about holding up
his razor, an’ say: “I’ll bet ya a dollar I can prove
it.”
All of us fellers used to go in as often as we got a chance
to get our chins shaved an’ our hair shampooed—just to
hear Eugene get indignant about things which wasn’t none
of our business. We used to bet with him a lot, just for
the fun o’ makin’ him prove up things; which he did by
writin’ letters to somebody an’ gettin’ back the answers he
wanted. We didn’t have any way to prove our side; so
Eugene got the money an’ we had the fun.
Ol’ man Dort ran the general store and kept a pet squirrel
in a whirlabout cage, which was the biggest squirrel I ever
see, an’ had its tail gnawed off by a rat, or something, before
Eugene came. Ol’ man Dort had a reputation for
arguin’, which spread all over our part of the earth. We
had made a habit o’ goin’ to him to get our discussions
settled an’ when we began to pass him up for Eugene, he
foamed about it free an’ frank.
He wore a prodigious tangle o’ hair and a bunch o’ grizzled
whiskers, about as fine an’ smooth as a clump o’ grease-wood.
He used to brag that razor nor scissors hadn’t
touched his hide for twenty years, an’ one of us boys would
allus add, “Nor soap nor water, neither,” an’ ol’ man Dort
would grin proud, ’cause it was a point of honor with him.
Eugene used to send out for his wearin’ an’ sech, so ol’
man Dort didn’t get a whack at him in his store; ol’ man
Dort batched, an’ Eugene boarded, so they didn’t clash
up at their meals; an’ finally ol’ man Dort swore a big
oath that he was goin’ to be barbered. The news got out
an’ the boys came in for forty miles to see the fun—an’
it was worth it.
We went early to the shop an’ planted ourselves, lookin’
solemn an’ not sayin’ anything to put Eugene on his guard.
When at last ol’ man Dort hove in sight with his brows
scowled down an’ his jaws set under his shrubbery, we all
bit our lips; an’ Eugene stopped tellin’ us about the hair-roots
o’ the Prince of Wales, an’ stood lookin’ at ol’ man
Dort with his mouth gapped wide open.
The ol’ man came in, shut the door careful behind him,
glared at Eugene, as though darin’ him to do his worst, an’
said: “I want my hair shamped, an’ my whiskers shaved
off.”
“If you expected to get it all done in one day, you should
ought to have come earlier,” sez Eugene soberly, but tossin’
us a side wink.
“Well, you do as much as you can to-day, an’ we’ll finish
up to-morrow,” sez ol’ man Dort, not seein’ the joke.
Ol’ man Dort peeled off his coat, rolled up his sleeves,
an’ climbed into the chair as if he thought it was liable to
buck him off. Then he settled back with a grunt, an’
Eugene tucked the bib in around his neck, combed his
fingers through ol’ man Dort’s hair a minute, an’ sez; “Your
hair’s startin’ to come out. You should ought to use a
tonic.”
“Tonic, hell!” snaps the ol’ man. “My hair sheds out
twice a year, same as the rest o’ the animals.”
“Then you should ought to comb it,” sez Eugene. “I’ve
got some hair here in my hand which was shed out two
years ago. Leavin’ dead hair an’ such rubbish as that layin’
around on your scalp is what kills the hair globules.”
“It don’t either; it acts like fertilizer, the same as dead
grass does,” sez ol’ man Dort. He had made up his mind
to take the contrary side of everything ’at Eugene said, an’
it was more fun than a dog fight.
Eugene started in by mowin’ away the whiskers, an’ it
was a long an’ painful job; ’cause it was almost impossible
to tell where they left off an’ ol’ man Dort began, an’ then
they was so cluttered up with grit an’ dead hair and kindry
deb-ris that his scissors would choke up an’ pull, an’
then ol’ man Dort would bob up his head an’ yell out a
bunch o’ profanity, and Eugene would stand back an’ say
that he was a barber, not a clearer of new ground, an’ that
the job ought to be done with a scythe and hoe, not with
scissors an’ razor. Eugene wasn’t covetous of ol’ man
Dort’s trade an’ didn’t care whether he insulted him or not.
The most fun came, though, after Eugene had got down
to where he could tell the outline of ol’ man Dort’s face.
First he soaked it with lather, combin’ it in with a comb,
an’ puttin’ hot towels on it to draw out the alkalie grit an’
give his razors some show.
One of ol’ man Dort’s manias was, that a man ought to
pay his debts, whether it killed him or not; so as soon as
Eugene had him steamin’ under the towels we begun to talk
about a man’s first duty bein’ toward his kin, an’ that if he
couldn’t pay his debts without bother, he ought to let the
debts go an’ show his relatives a good time while they was
still on earth an’ able to enjoy themselves.
Ol’ man Dort couldn’t stand it, an’ tried to answer back
from under the towels; but got his mouth full o’ suds, an’
choked on the corner of a towel until Eugene said that if
he couldn’t sit still an’ behave himself he could go out to
some alfalfa farmer to get his tonsoral work completed.
It wasn’t the ol’ man’s fault—he simply couldn’t help
it. Touch him up on a ticklish subject, an’ he just had to
come back at ya, same as a rattler. Finally, however,
Eugene had the stubble wore down an’ softened until he
decided that he stood a chance again’ it, an’ then he lathered
an’ rubbed, an’ lathered an’ rubbed, until nothin’ stuck out
below ol’ man Dort’s eyes except the peak of his nose; an’
then us boys pulled out our trump card an’ played it strong.
We began to talk about red squirrels.
Now, we didn’t know anything professional about squirrels,
except what ol’ man Dort had told us; but we slewed
his talk around this way an’ that as if it was our own private
opinions; an’ the ol’ man began to groan audible. He
gritted his teeth, though, an’ bore up under it like a hero,
until Eugene begin to chip in with what he knew about
squirrels.
Eugene was never content to just speak of a thing in a
general way—his main method of convincin’ us was to
allus fall back on his own personal experience; so this
time he began to tell of squirrels what he had been full
acquainted with. He called ’em by name an’ told how they
would run to meet him an’ climb up on his shoulders an’
chatter for nuts, an’ so on; until the ol’ man’s ears turned
red with the strain he was under. And then, we got to discussin’
the size o’ squirrels.
We told about squirrels we had heard about, an’ contested
again’ each other to see which had heard o’ the biggest one;
but we never even mentioned ol’ man Dort’s squirrel.
Eugene had shaved his way down to below the lobe of ol’
man Dort’s right ear, slippin’ in a side remark to our talk
every minute or so; an’ purty soon he sez ’at he knows a
squirrel by the name o’ Daniel Webster back in Montpelier,
Vermont, which was a full half inch longer ’n airy red
squirrel we had spoke of. The ol’ man couldn’t stand this.
His head bobbed up, cuttin’ a gash on the crook of his jaw,
and as soon as he could blow the foam out of his mouth, he
sez, “I’ll stake my life, the’ ain’t another squirrel in this
country as big as my own Ben Butler.”
Eugene put his hand on ol’ man Dort’s forehead an’
pushed him back into the headrest. “You lie there,” sez he,
“until I get done shavin’ ya. Then, I’ll bet ya a dollar
that I can produce a livin’ squirrel which’ll out-stand, outweigh,
an’ out-fight your squirrel—an’ I ain’t never seen
your squirrel.”
“A dollar!” snorts the ol’ man, flickin’ up his head. “I
wouldn’t bother wakin’ Ben Butler up for a measly dollar.
I’ll bet ya ten dollars.”
“Get back on that headrest,” orders Eugene. “Ten dollars
looks a heap sight better to me than one, an’ I’ll be
mighty glad to accommodate ya.”
Eugene took his fire-stick an’ burned the ol’ man’s cut,
an’ the ol’ man had to scruge up his shoulders with the pain
of it; but he did it without noticin’, ’cause his mind was
on squirrels. “What breed o’ squirrels is yours?” he
asked.
“If you don’t keep your head where I put it, I’ll throw
up the job an’ let you go forth lookin’ like the lost Goog o’
Mayhan,” sez Eugene, raisin’ his voice. Ol’ man Dort was
a whalin’ big man, an’ it tickled us a heap to see little Eugene
givin’ him directions, like as if he was nothin’ but a pup
dog.
Ol’ man Dort settled back with a sigh, an’ Eugene leathered
up his razor without sayin’ anything for a minute or
two. Then he sez, as he begins shavin’ again: “That
squirrel I have in mind for ring contests is the short-tailed
grizzly ground-squirrel; and it’s the biggest breed of
squirrels the’ is.”
“The’ ain’t no such a breed of squirrel as that!” yells ol’
man Dort, springing erect in his chair, an’ dullin’ Eugene’s
razor by the operation.
Eugene stepped back an’ looked at the blood flowin’ from
the fresh cut, an’ he sez slow an’ sarcastic; “If it don’t
make any difference to you whether you have any skin on
your face or not, why I’ll just peel it off an’ tack it on a
board to shave it; but hanged if I’m goin’ to duck around
tryin’ to shave you on the jump. The’ is too grizzly ground-squirrels.”
Well, that’s the way they had it back and forth: every
time they would settle down to business an’ Eugene would
get a square inch o’ the ol’ man’s face cleared up, one of us
boys would speak something in a low tone about there bein’
rumors of an uncommon big squirrel out at some ranch
house a hundred miles or so from there. Eugene would ask
what breed of squirrel it was, an’ then decide that it couldn’t
be a patchin’ on a genuwine short-tailed grizzly ground-squirrel,
an’ then ol’ man Dort couldn’t stand it no longer
an’ he would forget what he was doin’, bob up in his chair,
an’ lose some more of his life fluid.
Eugene scraped down both sides o’ the ol’ man’s face,
givin’ all of his razors a chance to take part in the job, an’
then he set his lips an’ started in on the chin.
“What does short-tailed grizzly ground-squirrels eat,
Eugene?” asked Spider Kelley, as innocent as an infant
pigeon.
“They eat chickens,—” began Eugene, but ol’ man Dort
flew clean out o’ the chair an’ stood over Eugene shakin’
with rage.
“Chickens?” he roars. “Chickens! The’ never was a
squirrel foaled into this world what et chickens.”
Eugene looked at ol’ man Dort, an’ then he wiped his
razor an’ sat down on a chair, so full of disgust that he
could hardly breathe.
“I wish you’d take off that apron an’ bleed into the
spittoon,” he said as calm as he could. “I’ve got customers
whose patronage is what makes up my living expenses; an’
I don’t want ’em to come in here an’ see the whole place a
welter of gore.
“What do you think this shop is, anyway?” yelled
Eugene springing to his feet an’ entirely losin’ his patience.
“Do you think that I make my livin’ by grubbin’
down wire grass which has been let grow for fifty years,
an’ educatin’ ignoramuses in the knowledge of squirrels?
I don’t care whether you believe in short-tailed grizzly
ground-squirrels or not; but if you don’t let me tie your
head down to that chair, I won’t shave another sprout off
your chin. I take some pride in my profession, an’ I don’t
intend to have no man go out o’ my shop leavin’ a trail o’
blood which will draw all the dogs for miles around. Now,
you can take your choice.”
Ol’ man Dort had to give in that this was reasonable
enough; so he climbed back into the chair, an’ Eugene tied
down his head an’ finished him off without any more trouble.
As soon as he had stopped the bleedin’ an’ put on the perfume
an’ oil an’ powder, he sez: “Now, what I am goin’ to
do is to get some nourishment to recuperate back my
strength, an’ if you want the waste products washed out o’
your hair, you come back here at one o’clock prompt.”
“I want to settle on that bet first,” said ol’ man Dort, who
was just as pernicious as Eugene, once you got him riled up.
“I’ll make that bet with you after dinner,” sez Eugene,
“but first off I got to have food; I’m faint with weakness.
Now, I’m goin’ to lock up my shop.”
After Eugene had marched off to his boardin’ house, we
all gathered around ol’ man Dort, an’ complimented him on
his improved appearance, though to be strictly honest, the’
was considerable doubts about it. He had two teeth out in
front, an’ the tobacco habit; and now, with no shrubbery
to catch the spray, he spluttered terrible when he tried to
talk fast. He said, though, that as long as he had started
in he intended to take the full course, an’ was comin’ back,
as soon as he’d had a bite to eat, to get his hair laundried an’
trimmed up some around the edges; an’ then he was goin’
to make that bet about the squirrels.
It was some amusin’ to see the ol’ man get his hair sluiced
out, but not near as much fun as seein’ him shaved. Whenever
Eugene found any stray product, he’d call us all over
an’ show it to us, an’ this riled the ol’ man up considerable;
but the best joke was when Eugene found a woman’s
hairpin.
The ol’ man vowed an’ declared an’ carried on somethin’
fierce; but there was the hairpin, an’ we made him pay for
three rounds on the strength of it. As soon as Eugene was
all through, the ol’ man settled the bill, payin’ for a full day’s
work like a regular sport, an’ not tryin’ to beg off at the
ordinary retail price; and then he hardened his face an’
sez: “Now I bet you ten dollars, that you can’t bring forward
a squirrel as big as my Ben Butler.”
“I’ll take that bet,” sez Eugene, “but you got to give me
time to locate a short-tailed grizzly. It’s the scarcest breed
the’ is, an’ it’ll probably cost me twice the sum to get one,
but I don’t care about that. What I want is to vindicate
myself. I’d like to see that squirrel o’ yours.”
“You come right along,” sez ol’ man Dort, glowin’ with
pride. “I reckon when you see him, you’ll just hand over
the money at once—That is, if you know anything at all
about squirrels.”
We all marched around to the general store, an’ ol’ man
Dort pounded on the cage. When Ben Butler sat up an’
looked around to see what was up, the ol’ man waved his
hand at him, looked down at Eugene, an’ sez: “Well?”
He said it just like that: “Wu-el?”
Ben Butler was rollin’ fat, an’ he certainly did look like
some squirrel to us; but Eugene merely glanced at him, an’
sez: “Hum, what we call a dwarf red squirrel, up in Nova
Scotia. They have tails, though, up there.”
The ol’ man spluttered till we had to pound him on the
back. “Dwarf?” he chokes out. “Dwarf! You produce
a squirrel to match him, will ya, or else you pack up your
truck an’ move on. I don’t intend to have no—”
“See here, ol’ man,” sez Eugene, pointin’ a finger at him
the same as if he’d been a naughty child. “A short-tailed
grizzly ground-squirrel is from two to four times as big as
this one, so if you want to sidestep the bet, you can do it;
but if you want to have some show for your money, I bet
you fifty to ten that I can get a squirrel three times as big
as this one. I own up that for its kind, this squirrel is of
fair, average growth; but—”
“I’ll take that bet!” yelled the old man. “We’ll put
up our money with Ike Spargle this minute; but I don’t
want your odds. I’ll bet you even money.”
Eugene shook his head as if he pitied the ol’ man, an’
he sez, “Haven’t you never travelled none, or seen a zoological
garden?”
“Yes, I’ve travelled some, an’ I’ve seen all kinds o’ gardens,”
flares back the ol’ man; “but what I want now is to
fix up this bet.”
“Who’ll be the judges?” sez Eugene.
“I don’t care a snap. Any man who can see through the
holes in a ladder’ll be able to decide between the claims o’
two squirrels. Ike Spargle an’ Bill Thompson can be the
judges.”
“There has to be three,” sez Eugene. “We’ll have Dan
Stedman be the other.”
So they put up the money an’ Eugene was to have six
weeks to get his squirrel; an’ from that on we begun to
divide up into rival camps. The’ wasn’t any tree squirrels
out in that neck o’ the woods, an’ we had all forgot what
wild squirrels really was like. We knew the’ was ground-squirrels,
red squirrels, gray squirrels, an’ flyin’-squirrels—although
an argument was started about there bein’ flyin’-fish
all right, but no flyin’-squirrels, which would have ended
in warfare if Eugene hadn’t been handy to settle it.
You wouldn’t think that a little thing like a bet about
the size of a squirrel would take the way it did; but Eugene
was so confident on his side, an’ ol’ man Dort was so dead
sure of Ben Butler, that the rest of us split up an’ we each
had a little side bet on the outcome. It seemed a tarnation
long time while we was waitin’; but in a little over a month,
Eugene got a big box which he took into his back room without
lettin’ even the fellers who had backed his squirrel get
a peep at it.
From that on we got shaved twice a day an’ our heads
washed till the hair started to change color; so that Eugene’s
trade was so improved that even if he lost the bet, he was
money ahead; but he scoffed the idy o’ losin’ the bet, even
after his squirrel arrived; and as he was the only man who
had seen both the contestants, he had the whole country up
in the air.
Ol’ man Dort had made his squirrel run around the wheel
four hours a day, pokin’ him up with a stick when he got
lazy; an’ this gave Ben Butler sech a prodigious appetite
that the ol’ man had to set up late at night to give him an
extra meal. As the day o’ settlement came closer, the ol’
man tapered off on the exercise, an’ doubled up on the feed,
until Ben Butler looked a full size larger, an’ us fellers who
had our money on Eugene’s squirrel began to get shaky. If
it had been just an even race, it would have been a fair deal;
but to have to show a squirrel three times larger than Ben
Butler seemed an impossibility.
Eugene had been fussin’ over his entry too, an’ we used
to sneak up behind his shop at nights to listen to him. We
could hear him snippin’ with scissors and pullin’ stoppers out
o’ bottles and when he was through he’d say: “Stand up
there, Columbus”—which was the name of his champion,
an’ then he would seem to pass in a bunch o’ feed, an’ say—“Good
boy, Columbus! that dwarf red squirrel can turn a
double handspring in your shadder.”
This used to hearten us up again, and we’d lay a little
more money on Eugene’s squirrel. Ike, an’ Bill, an’ Dan—the
judges—said that they didn’t claim to know anything
about the breeds o’ squirrels, an’ all they was to judge on
was the size, which would be settled by weight if the’ was
any dispute. They got kind o’ nervous toward the end,
’cause the fellers were all on edge, an’ a rank decision meant
trouble in bunches.
When the final day o’ settlement arrived, Boggs was seven
deep with fellers on edge to see the outcome. Most of us
had all we could spare hung up in bets; but the’ was still
a lot o’ coin in the crowd, and a crew came over from
Cheyenne to take charge of it.
They had a game which certainly was attractive, I’ll say
that much for it. It was a round board full o’ numbers, and
up the middle was a tower with slopin’ sides covered with
nails. A marble was dropped into a hole at the top and
bobbled on the nails until it went into a row of holes at
the bottom, and came out in a groove leadin’ to one o’ the
numbers. Some o’ these numbers doubled the player’s
money, some of ’em paid it over to the table; but most
of ’em was neutral, and a feller had to double what he
already had up, in order to stand a show. It was an innocent-appearin’
game, but deceptive. When a feller had up
all he could raise, some stranger would offer him two bits
for his chance, put up the doublin’ money—and win. This
was a capper o’ course; but crowds don’t have any sense
when they start gamblin’, and this crew was cleanin’ us out
until, all of a sudden, I heard a clear, low-toned voice say:
“If one o’ you boys would upset that table, you’d see the
lever which controls the marble.”
I glanced up, and there was the Singin’ Parson, as cool
as a frozen fish. Ol’ Tom Williams, commonly known as
“Tank,” had just lost six dollars, and he upset the table and
saw just how tight braced the blame game was. Then he
unlimbered his gun, and suggested that he would feel calmer
if he had the six dollars back, and the Cheyenne gambler
looked into Tank’s free eye, which was pointin’ at the ceilin’,
and he seconded Tank’s motion. After this the rest o’ the
boys collected what they felt was due ’em, and the Cheyenne
crowd had to fall back on charity for their noon lunch.
Just about one o’clock, the head crook saw the Singin’
Parson standin’ close to Eugene’s barber shop. The shop
was locked, and the crowd around was lookin’ at it. The
crook didn’t want to attract any attention; so, instead o’ usin’
a gun, he struck at the Parson with a club. He miscalculated,
and hit the shoulder instead o’ the head. The Parson whirled,
grabbed the club with his left hand, and the crook’s shirt
collar with his right. The crook started to pull; but we
settled down on him, and were all ready to serve out justice,
when the Parson interrupted to say that it was none of our
business, and if we’d just form a ring, he’d settle it to everybody’s
satisfaction. He said he expected to live among us
for the rest of his life, and this would be a good time to
introduce his methods.
We took off the crook’s weapons, and then formed a big
ring. The Parson was smilin’ a business-like smile, while
the crook was palin’ up noticeable. “I am convinced that
a man must settle some things, himself, in a new country,”
sez the Parson. “I am larger than you, so it is fair for you
to use this club; but I warn you in advance that I understand
how to guard again’ clubs, so do your best. I’m ready,
begin.”
It was quite eddifyin’ to behold: the crook made a vicious
smash at the Parson’s head, the Parson bent his arm at the
elbow, muscle out, so the bone wouldn’t get bruised, stepped
in, and hit the crook a swing in the short ribs. Some say it
lifted him ten feet, some say only eight; but any way, when
he lit, he gave a grunt like an empty barrel, and the Parson
had no trouble in layin’ him over his knee and givin’ him
the most liberal spankin’ with that club I ever was spectator
to; while the crowd howled itself hoarse in the throat.
Now the Parson wasn’t angry, he grinned all the way
through, and when he had taken as much exercise as he felt
was good for him, he set the crook on his feet, and talked
fatherly advice to him as sober an’ dignified as was possible—considerin’
the fact that the crook was dancin’ about like
a spider on a hot skillet, and rubbin’ the part which had got
most intimate with the club.
Eugene had seen it all through his window, and when it
was over, he came out and shook the Parson’s hand, and
said he was just the kind needed in such an ungodly community,
and that he reminded him for all the world of Friar
Tuck in Robin Hood. Now, we hadn’t none of us heard of
Friar Tuck up to that time; but it was a name well fitted to
the tongue, and from the way Eugene said it, we elected it
was a compliment; so we gave it to the Singin’ Parson on
the spot, and it soaked into his bones, and he hasn’t needed
any other since.
This little incident kept us all in a good humor until three
o’clock, which was the fatal hour for the squirrel-contest.
Then ol’ man Dort marched to the center o’ the street,
carryin’ his cage as though it was full o’ diamonds; an’ Ben
Butler sat up an’ chattered as if he was darin’ the whole race
o’ squirrels to bring forth his equal.
“I don’t reckon a squirrel could get three times as big as
him without explodin’,” sez Spider Kelley, who also had his
money on Eugene’s squirrel.
“Here comes Eugene with Columbus,” sez I, not carin’
to waste breath on an opinion I had backed up with good
money.
Eugene came down the street carryin’ one end of a box,
with Doc Forbes carryin’ the other. The box was covered
with a clean apron, an’ Eugene wasn’t lookin’ down in the
mouth or discouraged.
“From the size o’ that box, we’re goin’ to have a run for
our money,” sez Spider. “If Columbus just looks good
enough to make ’em settle by the scales, I haven’t any kick
comin’.”
Well, as Eugene drew closer, that crowd fell into a silence
until all a body could hear was Ben Butler braggin’ about
all the nuts he had et, an’ what a prodigious big squirrel he
was; but Eugene never faltered. He walked up an’ set his
box down careful, motioned Doc over to the side lines, made
a graceful motion to ol’ man Dort, an’ sez: “As yours is
the local champion you introduce him first, an’ make your
claim.”
Ol’ man Dort removed his tobacco, wiped his forehead,
an’ sez: “Feller citizens, I make the claim that Ben Butler
is the biggest full-blooded squirrel ever sent to enlighten
the solitude of lonely humanity. This is him.”
The ol’ man looked lovin’ly down at his squirrel, an’ we
every one of us gave a rousin’ cheer. It was all the family
the ol’ man had, an’ it meant more to him ’n a body who
hadn’t never tried standin’ his own company months at a
time could realize. Ol’ man Dort thrust some new tobacco
into his face, bit his lips, winked his eyes rapid, an’ bowed
to us, almost overcome.
Then Eugene stepped a space to the front, bowed to the
crowd in several directions, an’ sez: “Gentlemen, an’ feller
citizens—From Iceland’s icy mountains to India’s coral
strands an’ Afric’s sunny fountains, every nation an’ every
clime has produced some peculiar product o’ nature which
lifts it above an’ sets it apart from all the other localities of
the globe. When you speak of the succulent banana, the
golden orange, or the prickly pineapple, Nova Scotia remains
silent; but when you speak of varmints, she rears up on her
hind legs and with a glad shout of triumph, she hands forth
the short-tailed grizzly ground-squirrel, an’ sez, ‘Give me
the blue ribbons, the gold medals, an’ the laurel crowns of
victory.’ I have the rare pleasure an’ the distinctive honor
of presenting to your notice Columbus, the hugest squirrel
ever exhibited within the confines of captivity.”
We was so took by Eugene’s eloquence that we hardly
noticed him slip the apron from in front of his cage; but
when we did look, we could hardly get our breath. I was
standin’ close to the Friar; and at first he looked puzzled,
and then his face lit up with a regular boy’s grin; but he
didn’t say a word.
Columbus was certainly a giant; he stood full two feet
tall as he sat up an’ scrutinized around with a bossy sort of
grin. He was dappled fawn color on the sides with a curly
black streak down the back an’ sort o’ chestnut-red below,
with a short tail an’ teeth like chisels. He won so blame easy
that even us what had bet on him didn’t cheer.
Ol’ man Dort give a grin, thinkin’ Ben Butler must have
won, an’ then he stepped around an’ looked into Eugene’s
cage. He looked first at Columbus, an’ then at Ben Butler,
then he looked again. “That damned thing ain’t alive,” he
sez. “It’s made up out o’ wool yarn. Poke it up an’ let me
see it move.”
“Poke it yourself,” sez Eugene. He was one o’ these
cold-blooded gamblers who ain’t got one speck o’ decent sentimentality;
an’ he was mad ’cause we hadn’t cheered.
Ol’ man Dort took a stick an’ poked Columbus, an’ Columbus
give a threatenin’ grin, chattered savage, an’ bit the
stick in two. “Give him the money, Ike,” sez ol’ man Dort.
“I own up I never was in Nova Scotia, an’ I never supposed
that such squirrels as this grew on the face o’ the whole
earth. What’ll you take for him?” he sez to Eugene.
“It ain’t your fault that you didn’t know about him,” sez
Eugene, thawin’ a little humanity into himself. “I don’t
want to rub it in on nobody; and I’ll give you this here
squirrel free gratis, ’cause I admit that you know more about
squirrels ’n anybody else what ever I met; an’ you have the
biggest red squirrel the’ is in the world.”
Then we did give Eugene a cheer, an’ everything loosened
up, an’ we all crowded into Ike Spargle’s so that them what
won could spend a little money on them what lost.
After a time, ol’ man Dort got up on a chair, an’ sez: “I
want you fellers to know that Columbus won’t never be my
pet. Ben Butler has been the squarest squirrel ever was, an’
he continues to remain my pet; but I’ll study feedin’ this
condemned foreign squirrel, an’ give him a fair show; so
that if any outsiders come around makin’ brags, we will have
a home squirrel to enter again’ ’em an’ get their money.”
Eugene led the cheerin’ this time, which made Eugene
solider than ever with the boys, an’ when Spider an’ me
got ready to ride home, he an’ ol’ man Dort had their
arms around each other tryin’ to sing the Star Spangled
Banner.
Spider talked about Columbus most o’ the way home, but
I was still. The’ was somethin’ peculiar about the Friar’s
grin when he first sighted Columbus, and the’ was somethin’
familiar about that squirrel, an’ I was tryin’ to adjust myself.
Just as we swung to the west on the last turn, I sez to Spider:
“Spider, I don’t know what I ought to do about this?”
“About what?” sez Spider.
“About this bet?”
“Well, it was a fair bet, wasn’t it? Columbus is full
four times as big as Ben Butler.”
“Yes,” sez I, “but he ain’t no squirrel.”
Spider pulled up to a stop. “Ain’t no squirrel?” he sez.
“What do you take me for, didn’t I see him myself? What
is he then?”
“He’s a woodchuck, that’s what he is,” sez I. “He’s a
genuwine ground hog with his hair cut stylish and died accordin’
to Eugene’s idy of high art. I remember now that
I used to see ’em when I was a little shaver back on my dad’s
farm in Indiana.”
Spider give a whoop, an’ then he laughed, an’ then he
sobered up, an’ sez: “Well, you can’t do nothin’ now, anyway.
The judges have decided it, ol’ man Dort has give it
up, it ain’t your game nohow, an’ if you was to try to equal
back those bets after they have been paid an’ mostly spent,
you’d start a heap o’ blood-spillin’; an’ furthermore, as far
as I’m concerned, I ain’t right sure but what a woodchuck,
as you call it, ain’t some kind of a squirrel. We’ll just let
this go an’ wait for a chance to put something over on
Eugene.”
So that’s what we made up to do; but this gives you an
idy of how fine a line the Friar drew on questions o’ sport.
He knew ’at we weren’t full fledged angels, and that we had
to have our little diversities; but when any professional
hold-up men tried to ring in a brace game on us, he couldn’t
see any joke in it, and he upset the money-changers’ tables,
the same as they was upset that time, long ago, in the temple.