EVER HEARD THIS?

About this eBook

Author

Chambers, F. W.

Title

Ever Heard This? Over Three Hundred Good Stories

Credits

Produced by Al Haines

Language

English

LoC Class

PR: Language and Literatures: English literature

Subject

English wit and humor

Category

Text

eBook-No.

39202

Project Gutenberg

https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/39202

Release Date

March 19, 2012

Copyright

Public domain in the USA.

Contents

1. 1.Untitled
2. 2.CONTENTS
3. 3.WHAT HE WANTED
4. 4.HIS CHOICE
5. 5.NOT IN THE REGULATIONS
6. 6.CHEAP TALK
7. 7.SWEET ARE THE USES OF ADVERTISEMENT
8. 8.A CANDID CRITIC
9. 9.WHAT'S IN A NAME
10. 10.WHY BROWN LEFT
11. 11.AN ASS'S SHADOW
12. 12.GRACE
13. 13.MISUNDERSTOOD
14. 14.TRUMPS
15. 15.THE STUTTERER
16. 16.PRESENT AND FUTURE
17. 17.THE VOICE OF IGNORANCE
18. 18.A PASSOVER STORY
19. 19.EXTRAORDINARY COMPROMISE
20. 20.BARBER SHAVED BY A LAWYER
21. 21.A GOOD PUN
22. 22.SOMETHING LIKE AN INSULT
23. 23.THE UNWELCOME GUEST
24. 24.A LOST BALANCE
25. 25.A BAD CROP
26. 26.NEGATIVES AND POSITIVES
27. 27.JAW-ACHE
28. 28.HER PROGRAMME
29. 29.THE PROUD FATHER
30. 30.A MIRACLE
31. 31.KEEPING TIME
32. 32.QUESTION AND ANSWER
33. 33.MOTHER'S JAM POTS
34. 34.WISDOM
35. 35.WHY NOT?
36. 36.THE OLD FARMER
37. 37.ANY CHANGE FOR THE BETTER
38. 38.TACT
39. 39.THE RETORT RUDE
40. 40.THE QUAKER AND HIS HORSE
41. 41.CERTAINLY NOT ASLEEP
42. 42.THE BEST JUDGE
43. 43.A THIRST FOR KNOWLEDGE
44. 44.A SHIPWRECK
45. 45.A SAFE CASE
46. 46.THE WATCH MENDER
47. 47.THE CITY CHURCHES--AND OTHERS
48. 48.HIGH PRINCIPLES
49. 49.THE MIXTURE AS BEFORE
50. 50.CANNY SCOT
51. 51.A NICE DISTINCTION
52. 52.NOT TWO-FACED
53. 53.CLERICAL WIT
54. 54.A COSTLY EXPERIMENT
55. 55.A GOOD REASON
56. 56.ECONOMY IN THE STABLE
57. 57.THE PATRIARCH
58. 58.HIGH AND LOW
59. 59.BEER
60. 60.NOT IMPORTUNATE
61. 61.THE RELATIONSHIP OF HOG TO BACON
62. 62.UNION IS STRENGTH
63. 63.COURTSHIP
64. 64.TO LET
65. 65.CUT AND COME AGAIN
66. 66.THE THOUGHTFUL PATIENT
67. 67.KISMET
68. 68.THE YOUNG IDEA
69. 69.THE NEW BABY
70. 70.HOOK AND AN INSPECTOR OF TAXES
71. 71.THE SHE BEAR
72. 72.KNOWLEDGE
73. 73.A STORY FOR BOOKSELLERS
74. 74.THE EARLY BIRD
75. 75.TABLE TALK
76. 76.TROUBLES
77. 77.A SOUTHERNER AND SCOTLAND
78. 78.DRY HUMOUR
79. 79.THE CHURCH ORGAN
80. 80.COMMON PRAYER
81. 81.SHORT COMMONS
82. 82.TRUTH
83. 83.A WRONG CHOICE
84. 84.FISH AS A BRAIN FOOD
85. 85.A CHARACTER
86. 86.HUSBAND OR COW
87. 87.A NEW METHOD
88. 88.GRATITUDE NOT APPRECIATED
89. 89.ON THE TREASURES OF THIS WORLD
90. 90.COLD FEET
91. 91.BUSYBODIES
92. 92.ALDERMANIC TASTES
93. 93."WARRANTED TO KILL"
94. 94.PROFESSIONAL
95. 95.THE NEW VERSION
96. 96.DRAUGHTS
97. 97.TENDERNESS
98. 98.HOW TO ADDRESS A BISHOP
99. 99.HOOK AND PUTNEY BRIDGE
100. 100.A GOOD EXAMPLE
101. 101.A MISFIT
102. 102.A CHEERFUL INVITATION
103. 103.THE INEVITABLE RESULT
104. 104.JUSTICE
105. 105.THAT AWFUL CHILD
106. 106.A COSMOPOLITAN
107. 107.CLOTHES AND THE MAN
108. 108.A WITTY REPLY
109. 109.THE SOUND OF A TRUMPET
110. 110.GRAMMAR
111. 111.ONE SIDE AT A TIME
112. 112.COMPANY
113. 113.HER OWN FAULT
114. 114.A POSER
115. 115.YOUTHFUL PRECOCITY
116. 116.ABOVE PROOF
117. 117.ON DEATH
118. 118.ENVY
119. 119.A HAT FOR NOTHING
120. 120.AN OLD PROVERB
121. 121.PRO BONO PUBLICO
122. 122.A NEW RECIPE
123. 123.NOT A WAXWORK
124. 124.THEY NEVER SAY THANK YOU
125. 125.TIPS
126. 126.JUSTICE
127. 127.DEAD AS A DOORNAIL
128. 128.FAITH
129. 129.JOB'S CURSE
130. 130.A CONJUGAL CONCLUSION
131. 131.THE RULING PASSION
132. 132.FELO-DE-SE
133. 133.HOW TO GET WARM
134. 134.NO MATTER WHAT COLOUR
135. 135.OF COMPOSITIONS
136. 136.PETER'S WIFE'S MOTHER
137. 137.THE TRIALS OF THE DEAF
138. 138.ANTICIPATION
139. 139.HYMNS AND HERS
140. 140.HORS CONCOURS
141. 141.THE MARINE AND THE BOTTLE
142. 142.A UNITED COUPLE
143. 143.WET PAINT
144. 144.TICK, TICK, TICK
145. 145.DIFFIDENCE
146. 146.THE BAILIFF OUTWITTED
147. 147.IMAGINATION
148. 148.UNREMITTING KINDNESS
149. 149.A WARM PROSPECT
150. 150.A SOPORIFIC STORY
151. 151.ST. PETER AND HIS KEYS
152. 152.THE LOST JOINT
153. 153.THE RECRUITING SERGEANT AND THE COUNTRYMAN
154. 154.ALL MEN ARE LIARS
155. 155.AN OBJECT LESSON
156. 156.A DOUBTFUL COMPLIMENT
157. 157."SOMEWHERE"
158. 158.THE SCOTSMAN AND THE JOKE
159. 159.WAR AND TAXES
160. 160.A MODERN ALFRED
161. 161.CHARITY ON CREDIT
162. 162.COURTING BY LAMPLIGHT
163. 163.THE INQUISITIVE ONLOOKER
164. 164.THE EMPTY BOTTLE
165. 165.H2O
166. 166.AN ACCIDENT
167. 167.TOUCH HIM UP
168. 168.A SMART BOY
169. 169.WEARING ROUGE
170. 170.THE POOR LANDLORD
171. 171.THE DAY OF REST
172. 172.NOT TO BE CAUGHT
173. 173.MOLECULES
174. 174.A THOUGHTLESS SAMARITAN — CHAPS
175. 175.TWINS
176. 176.A NATURAL OBJECTION
177. 177.BADLY PUT
178. 178.A DOUBTFUL MARKET
179. 179.SEQUENCES
180. 180.TWO POINTS OF VIEW
181. 181.A CANNIBAL
182. 182.TO LET--UNFURNISHED
183. 183.A FRIEND OF SATAN
184. 184.THE TEDDY BEAR
185. 185.BROTHERLY LOVE
186. 186.CHRISTIAN PRINCIPLES
187. 187.MULTIPLICATION
188. 188.A BIBLICAL STORY
189. 189.THE THOUGHTFUL MAID
190. 190.HEMP
191. 191.GOOD ADVICE
192. 192.CHANGE AND REST
193. 193.THE VOLUNTARY SYSTEM
194. 194.THE WAY TO YORK
195. 195.THE WAY TO DO IT
196. 196.LOT AND THE FLEA
197. 197.WHIST
198. 198.A NEW PRESCRIPTION
199. 199.JACOB'S LADDER
200. 200.A PORTRAIT
201. 201.BLOATERS
202. 202.A CONVENIENCE
203. 203.THE PRAYER MEETING
204. 204.TAKING TIME
205. 205.KING'S EVIDENCE
206. 206.A PLEASANT PROSPECT
207. 207.BALAAM'S SWORD
208. 208.THE HONORARIUM
209. 209.MANNERS
210. 210.SCOTCH UNDERSTANDING
211. 211.THE AVERAGE EGG
212. 212.FEELING IN THE RIGHT PLACE
213. 213.THE G.O.M.
214. 214.A NEAT RETORT
215. 215.A SYDNEY SMITH STORY
216. 216.A COMMON DIFFICULTY
217. 217.MARY JONES
218. 218.DONALD COMPLIED
219. 219.VEGETARIANISM
220. 220.FELLOW-FEELING
221. 221.JONAH AND THE WHALE
222. 222.WHOLLY GOOD
223. 223."CAREFUL, NOW!"
224. 224.SAFETY
225. 225.O'BRIEN THE LUCID
226. 226.MERCY
227. 227.A BULL
228. 228.A GOOD REASON
229. 229.THE ARREST
230. 230.CHERUBIM AND SERAPHIM
231. 231.SOLITUDE
232. 232.A QUESTION OF NUMBERS
233. 233.AMERICAN POULTRY
234. 234.GRACE MAL A PROPOS
235. 235.THE POOR IDIOT
236. 236.A WELSH WIG-GING
237. 237.FORGIVENESS
238. 238.AN ODD COMPARISON
239. 239.ACOUSTICS
240. 240.SHARP, IF NOT PLEASANT
241. 241.BRIGHT AND SHARP
242. 242.SOFTNESS
243. 243.AN EASY QUALIFICATION
244. 244.MISER'S CHARITY
245. 245.ON TAKING A WIFE
246. 246.THE THIRTY-NINE ARTICLES
247. 247.THE DUCHESS AND THE CANONS
248. 248.HOW TO WIN
249. 249.PIGS
250. 250.BACON AND THE DEVIL
251. 251.HINTS TO MOTHERS
252. 252.GARRICK AND THE DOCTOR'S FEE
253. 253.A SAFE SHOT
254. 254.HOW TO INDUCE PERSPIRATION
255. 255.DIFFERENCES
256. 256.COALS
257. 257.MODESTY
258. 258.AN UNFORTUNATE REMARK
259. 259.MODERN EDUCATION
260. 260.THE RULING PASSION
261. 261.EDUCATION
262. 262.A LONG GRACE
263. 263.THE USE OF FALSE TEETH
264. 264.HOW TO COLLECT
265. 265.IMPERSONATION
266. 266.A SMART RETORT
267. 267.TRUTH WILL OUT
268. 268.SUNDAY AFTERNOON SERVICES
269. 269.A NEW DISH
270. 270.FULL OF PLUCK
271. 271.CANDID ON BOTH SIDES
272. 272.THE LAW AND THE PROPHETS
273. 273.THE ISLE OF MAN, AND A WOMAN
274. 274.A CUNNING ELDER
275. 275.AS YOU LIKE IT
276. 276.UNNECESSARY CIVILITY
277. 277.AT THE SIGN OF THE BARBER'S POLE
278. 278.AN IDENTIFICATION PLATE
279. 279.TABLE OF COMPARISON
280. 280.THE INTELLIGENT CAT
281. 281.HEAR! HEAR!
282. 282.MISPLACING THE BLAME
283. 283.WHY HANGING CAUSES DEATH
284. 284.MORAL QUALIFICATIONS
285. 285.MEASURING HIS DISTANCE
286. 286.AGRICULTURAL EXPERIENCES
287. 287.THE LATIN FOR COLD
288. 288.THE CUT DIRECT
289. 289.COMMON WANT
290. 290.NOT TO BE BEATEN
291. 291.AN ODD NOTION
292. 292."IF----"
293. 293.LATE AND EARLY
294. 294.A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE
295. 295.SHARP BOY
296. 296.THE SENTRY AND HIS WATCH
297. 297.CREDIT
298. 298.UNKIND
299. 299.NOT COMPULSORY
300. 300."YOU'LL GET THERE BEFORE I CAN TELL YOU!"
301. 301.AN UNHAPPY BENEDICT
302. 302.A DIFFICULT TASK
303. 303.NON-RUNNERS
304. 304.THE POLITE COUNTRYMAN
305. 305.A VIOLENT PARTNER
306. 306.WISDOM
307. 307.A DOUBTFUL POINT
308. 308.THE BETTER WAY
309. 309.A GOOD REASON
310. 310.A NEW TEXT
311. 311.AN AUCTION
312. 312.A REAL SPORT
313. 313.THE SCOTCHMAN'S SOUVENIR

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