It was an interesting experience for Miss Burney, the
writer of novels and the writer of letters. She had
never sat down with such a company. They all had
their table peculiarities. One uncle took ale for his tea,
and drained a tankard before eating anything. The
other claimed a particular cup on account of its capacity,
and he held it to his mouth with one hand, while he
passed a second down the table to Miss Burney, only
spilling a spoonful or two in effecting the transit. One
of the aunts refused to eat anything except cake, explaining,
in order to relieve the anxiety of the company, the
details of an acute attack of spleen from which she had
recently suffered. The spleen and its humours formed
the subject of a fitful conversation at her end of the
table.
But it was plain that everyone understood that the
company had not come to the table for conversation, but
for food. They did not converse, but that was not
the same as saying the room was silent. There was a
constant clanging of cups, a constant clatter of
platters, a loud and insistent demand on the part of
Thomas, the elder, and Thomas, the younger, for
their guests to say what they would like to eat.
This was followed by the handing of plates up and
down the table, the sound of steel knives being
sharpened, and the jingle of spoons in saucers. The
Alderman, who was, of course, an authority on the etiquette
of banquets, was formulating an elaborate explanation
of the mistake that had been made in the
service of the cold sirloin in advance of the venison
pasty; and all the time his neighbour was striking the
haft of his knife upon the table with a request for someone
to pass him the pickles.
All the ceremonial veneer had plainly left the company
the moment they seated themselves, and they addressed
themselves to the business of feeding. They had
healthy appetites—even the lady who had had a recent
attack of the spleen. She would eat nothing but cake,
but she did eat cake with confidence. There was no sort
of cake that she did not try, and her cup was kept in
constant circulation from the tea-maker to herself—four
times she had it refilled, Fanny could not help
noticing, and she wondered what effect such a diet would
have upon her capricious spleen. Fanny had an inward
hint or two that she had observed quite enough of the
party to serve her purpose, and she began to count the
moments until she might be able to steal away without
offending the susceptibilities of her over-hospitable host
and hostess. She hoped that her stepmother would listen
to her plea of weariness and take her back to St. Martin’s
Street—to the music of St. Martin’s Street—to the
quiet of St. Martin’s Street.
The most solid hour of her life had, however, to elapse
before her fellow-guests pushed their plates (empty)
away from them, and Mrs. Barlowe said:
“I am afraid you have made a poor tea, Miss Burney;
but if you cannot be persuaded to have a slice of ham—my
son’s ham, I call it, for ’tis he who picks it out of
the curer’s stock whenever we have a party—if you still
refuse it, we might go to the drawing-room.”
Fanny was on her feet in an instant. But not sooner
than Alderman Kensit. That gentleman, rapping with
the haft of his knife on the table, stood with a sheaf of
notes in his hand and clearing his throat with great
deliberation, started upon a speech in eulogy of Mr. Barlowe’s
merits as a host and as a merchant, and droned
away for a good half-hour in praise of the virtue of
hospitality, his text being on the possibility of entertaining
angels unawares. Of course, it was only natural
that, having got upon this track and with the word
“angels” in his mind, he should go on to say that it
was quite possible for a hospitably-inclined person to
entertain an angel and be fully cognizant of the fact,
and so forth: in a speech of well-worn platitudes such
a suggestion seemed inevitable; and all eyes were
directed to poor Fanny when it seemed impending. It
was a great disappointment to everybody—except Fanny
and her stepmother—when the orator skipped the expected
phrases, and went on to describe a business visit
which he had once made to Spain, apropos of nothing in
particular. His account of this feat was familiar to all
his relations, but they listened to him without a murmur,
only wondering when he would come to the angel and
Miss Burney.
He never came to the angel and Miss Burney, for it
so happened that he had turned over two pages of his
notes when he should have only turned over one. The
omitted platitude was on the first, and he failed to
notice the absence of a platitudinal sequence in the heads
of his discourse which he had jotted down during the
day.
When he had seated himself, Mr. Barlowe, the elder,
got upon his feet, but he had no notes, and not being
a member of the Common Council, he was not a past-master
of commonplaces. He was only dull for about
five minutes instead of half an hour. He had risen with
a view to repair his relative’s omission of that obvious
point about entertaining an angel by appointment in the
shape of Miss Burney, but he lost himself before he
managed to deliver it; it swam out of his ken with
several other points the moment he got upon his legs.
Fully recognizing how narrow was the escape she had
had, Fanny was resolved not to run any further chances.
She was looking imploringly toward Mrs. Burney, trying
to catch that lady’s eye, but without success, and she was
about to walk round the table to her side and to beg her
to come away, when Mrs. Barlowe moved up to her.
“Miss Burney,” she said, “I am afraid you did not
get anything you liked at the table: I saw that you
scarce ate more than a morsel of cake.”
“I assure you, madam, I had enough,” said Fanny.
“Your cake was so tasty I had no mind to go away from
it in search of other delicacies.”
“I am glad you liked it. I made it with my own
hands,” said the hostess. “That cake was ever a favourite
with Mr. Barlowe and my son. It pleases me to
know that you and my son have tastes in common. He
is a good son, is Thomas, though I say it that shouldn’t;
and he is making his way to the front by treading in his
father’s footsteps. Mr. Barlowe is not a Common
Councilman, but his father, Thomas’s grandfather, was
for a year Deputy-Master of the Wyre Drawers’ Company—his
certificate still hangs on the wall of the drawing-room.
You must see it. Thomas, you will show
Miss Burney your grandfather’s certificate as Deputy-Master.”
“I should like very much to see it,” said Fanny
quickly, “but I fear that mamma will wish me to accompany
her home at once. My sisters are alone to-night
and they will feel lonely: we promised to return early.”
“I will get Mrs. Burney’s permission for you—so good
an opportunity should not be thrown away,” said Mrs.
Barlowe, giving the latter part of her sentence an unmistakable
inflection as she looked toward her son and
smiled.
She had gone round the table before Fanny could
think of another excuse for evading the visit to the
drawing-room in the company of Mr. Barlowe, the
younger.
And Mr. Barlowe, the younger, was still by her side.
“Doesn’t Uncle Kensit make a fine speech?” he inquired.
“He is always ready. I have heard it said that
he speaks longer than any Alderman in the Council.”
“I can quite believe it,” replied Fanny.
“’Tis a wonderful gift,” said he—“to be always
ready to say what one is expected to say. Though I did
think that when he referred to the angels he meant to—to—go
farther—I mean nearer—nearer home.”
Thomas might himself have gone farther had his
mother not returned at that moment from her diplomatic
errand.
“I have prevailed upon Mrs. Burney to let you stay to
see the certificate,” said she. “Thomas, you will conduct
Miss Burney to the drawing-room.”
“I am sure that mamma would wish to see the certificate
also,” said Fanny. “I will ask her.”
“There is no need, Miss Burney: we shall all join you
later,” said Mrs. Barlowe.
Poor Fanny saw that there was no use trying to evade
the attentions of Thomas, and as she walked toward the
folding doors by his side she was conscious of a silence
in the room and of all eyes being turned upon her—smiles—such
knowing smiles—and a smirk from the
young lady. Fanny was aware of all, and what she was
too short-sighted to see she was able to imagine. She was
burning at the thought of all those people gazing at her
in silence. It was the most trying moment of her life.
She passed through the door which Thomas opened for
her and closed behind her.
“I am glad to have this opportunity, Miss Burney,”
said he, when they were alone in the big half-lighted
room.
“You must hold your grandfather’s certificate in high
esteem, sir,” said she. “I suppose so high a place as he
reached is but rarely attained by mortals. You will
have to guide me to the document; I have very poor eyesight,
as you must have noticed.”
“It is a great drawback,” said he. “But we will not
talk about grandfather’s certificate just yet, if you
please: I have something to say to you that will, I hope,
interest you even more than that.”
“You surprise me, sir,” said Fanny icily.
“Nay, I hope that you know me well enough not to be
surprised by all that I have to reveal to you now that the
opportunity has been given to me. Have you no inkling
of what I am about to say, Miss Burney?”
“Not the least, sir. I expected only to see that relic
of your grandfather’s honourable career.”
“What, after meeting Uncle Kensit and Aunt Jelicoe,
you do not feel interested in their families?” said he,
in a tone of genuine surprise.
Fanny looked at him before she spoke, and there certainly
was more than a note of casual interest in her
voice as she said:
“Their families? Oh, I should like above all things
to hear about their families.”
“I knew that you would,” said he, apparently much
relieved. (She wondered if the relief that she felt was
as apparent as his.) “Yes, I felt certain that you would
welcome this opportunity of learning something about
the Kensits and the Jelicoes. They are remarkable
people, as you cannot have failed to perceive.”
He made a pause—a pause that somehow had an interrogative
tendency. She felt that he meant it to be
filled up by her.
“They are remarkable people—very remarkable,”
said she.
“We are very fortunate in all our relations, Miss
Burney,” said he with great solemnity. “But, of course,
Uncle Kensit stands high above them all in force of
character. A great man indeed is Alderman Kensit—a
member of the Haberdashers’ and Grocers’ Companies
as well as the City Council, and yet quite ready to meet
ordinary persons as fellow-men. He had heard the name
of your friend, Sir Joshua Reynolds, though not the
name of Dr. Burney, and he was kind enough to say that
he would have no objection in the world to meet either
of these gentlemen. That shows you what sort of man
he is—his fine, simple nature. ‘If Dr. Burney or Sir
Joshua Reynolds were duly presented to me, I should
feel it my duty to be civil to him’—those were his exact
words.”
Once more there was an interrogative pause.
“Perhaps they may be fortunate enough to meet him
some day,” was all Fanny could trust herself to say.
“I would not say so much to them—he is very busy
just now,” said Thomas hastily. “It would have to be
arranged with care and thought—I would not like them
to be disappointed. But if it would please you, I daresay
a meeting could be brought about; meantime, I
would not raise up any false hopes on the matter, if I
were you.”
“You may depend on my preserving the strictest
secrecy, Mr. Barlowe,” said Fanny. “I should think
that I might even discipline myself to forget that such
a person as Alderman Kensit existed.”
“That would perhaps be the safest course to pursue,”
said he thoughtfully, and with an air of prudence that
made him for the moment the subject of a description
after Fanny’s own heart. She felt that she could fool
this young man as easily as her brother had fooled him.
Surely he was made to be fooled, with his solemn airs and
his incapacity to distinguish what is worthy from what
is pompous.
“Yes,” she continued, “Dr. Burney has had it intimated
to him since the publication of his ‘History’ that
the King was desirous of talking to him at Windsor, and
I know that Sir Joshua is being visited daily by the
Duchess of Devonshire and the Duchess of Ancaster, and
it would be a great pity if my father were forced to
write excusing himself to His Majesty on account of
having to meet Alderman—Alderman—I protest that I
have already forgotten the gentleman’s name—nay, do
not tell it to me; I might be tempted to boast of having
met him, and if I did so in Sir Joshua’s presence, his
beautiful Duchesses would be forlorn when they found
that he had hurried away on the chance of meeting the
Alderman. And now, sir, I think that I shall return
to Mrs. Burney.”
“But I have not told you half of what I can tell about
our family,” he cried. “I have said nothing about my
aunts—I have four aunts and eleven cousins. You
would surely like to hear of my cousins. They do not
all live in London. I have three as far away as Lewes;
their name is Johnson. My mother’s youngest sister
married a Johnson, as you may have heard. I believe
that some objection was raised to the match at first, but
it turned out quite satisfactory.”
“It is pleasant to know that; and so, sir, as we have
come to this point, don’t you think that we had better
adjourn our conference?” said Fanny. “It would be
doing the Johnson family a grave injustice were you to
attempt to describe their virtues within the time that is
left to us, and that would be the greatest catastrophe of
all. Besides, I came hither all unprepared for these
revelations. If you had hinted at what was in store for
me I would, of course, have disciplined myself—forewarned
is forearmed, you know.”
Miss Burney had received many a lesson from Mr.
Garrick, from the days when he had come to entertain
her in the nursery, in the art of fooling, and she was now
quite capable of holding her own when she found herself
in the presence of so foolable a person as this egregious
young man. But the game was apt to become wearisome
at the close of an evening when she had suffered
much, and when the subject of her raillery had shown
himself to be incapable even of suspecting her of practising
on him.
“But there is Aunt Jelicoe; I should like to tell you
something of Aunt Jelicoe,” pleaded Thomas. “Without
any of the advantages of her parents, Aunt Jelicoe—and—oh,
I have something more to say to you—not
about them—about ourselves—you and me—I was nearly
forgetting—you will stay—”
“One cannot remember everything, Mr. Barlowe,”
said Fanny, with her hand on the knob of the door.
“You have done very well, I think, in remembering so
much as you have told me. As for ourselves—you have
quite convinced me of my own insignificance—and
yours also, sir. You would be doing us a grave injustice
were you to speak of us so soon after your estimable
relations.”
“Perhaps you are right,” said he, after a few moments
of frowning thought. “Yes. I see now that it
might have been wiser if I had begun with ourselves and
then—”
Fanny had turned the handle. She re-entered the
dining-room, and the moment that she appeared silence
fell upon the company, and once again she was conscious
of many eyes gazing at her and of horrid smiles and a
smirk. That was another ordeal for the shy little Miss
Burney—it was an evening of ordeals.
She walked straight across the room to her stepmother.
“I am ready to go away now,” she said. “We have
never stayed at any house so long when we only came for
tea. I am tired to death.”
She took care, of course, that Mrs. Burney only should
hear her; and Mrs. Burney, being well aware that Fanny
was not one to complain unless with ample cause, charitably
interposed between her and Mrs. Barlowe, whom
she saw bearing down upon her from the other side of
the room.
“Fanny and I will say our good-night to you now, my
dear Martha,” she said. “You have treated us far too
kindly. That must be our excuse for staying so long.
When people drop in to tea they do not, as a rule, stop
longer than an hour, as you know. But you overwhelmed
us.”
“I was hoping—” began Mrs. Barlowe, trying to get
on to Fanny, but by the adroitness of Mrs. Burney, not
succeeding. “I was hoping—you know what I was
hoping—we were all hoping—expecting—they were in
the drawing-room long enough.”
Mrs. Burney gave her a confidential look, which she
seemed to interpret easily enough. She replied by a
confidential nod—the nod of one who understands a
signal.
“Mum it shall be, then,” she whispered. “Not a
word will come from me, simply good-night; but we
could all have wished—never mind, Thomas will tell us
all.”
Mrs. Burney allowed her to pass on to Fanny, having
obtained her promise not to bother the girl—that was
how Mrs. Burney framed the promise in her own mind—and
Mrs. Barlowe kept faith with her, and even persuaded
Alderman Kensit, who was approaching them
slowly with a sheaf of notes in his hand, to defer their
delivery in the form of a speech until the young woman
had gone.
And thus the visitors from St. Martin’s Street were
able to escape going through the formality of taking
leave of all the party. They shook hands only with
their host and hostess and their son, curtseying very
politely to the company of relations.
“They are warm-hearted people, but their weakness
for ceremony and the like is foolish enough,” said Mrs.
Burney to Fanny, when they were safe within the hackney
carriage.
Fanny laughed.
“Oh, indeed, there is no harm in any of them,” she
said. “They may be a little foolish in thinking that the
Poultry is St. James’s Palace or Buckingham House.
The only one among them who is an arrant fool is the
son. You saw how his mother made it up that he should
lead me into the other room?”
“It was maladroitly done indeed. What had he to say
to you when he got you there, I wonder?”
“He had nothing to say to me except that his uncles
were second in all the virtues and all the talents to no
man in town, and that his aunts and cousins—but he
did not get so far in his praise of his aunts and cousins;
I fled. Oh, did you see him cut slices off the ham?”
Fanny laughed quite pleasantly, with a consciousness
of having at her command the material on which to
found a scene that would set her sisters shrieking.
“Oh, if Mr. Garrick had but seen him carve that
ham!” she cried.
“I wish that Mr. Garrick would give all his attention
to his own affairs and leave us to manage ours in our
own way,” said Mrs. Burney.
“What? Why, what had Mr. Garrick to do with our
visit to—”
“’Twas Mr. Garrick who continued his fooling of
Mr. Kendal, sending him all over the town trying to
make matches. He believes that he is under a debt of
gratitude to Mr. Garrick and your father for the happiness
he enjoys with his bride.”
“And he suggested that a match might be made between
someone in St. Martin’s Street and someone in the
Poultry? But how does Mr. Kendal come to be
acquainted with the Barlowes?”
“His wife was a Johnson before she married her first
husband, and the Johnsons are closely connected with the
Barlowes.”
“Young Mr. Barlowe was just coming to the family
history of the Johnsons when I interrupted him.”
“Was he coming to any other matter that concerned
you more closely, think you?”
Fanny laughed again, only much longer this time than
before. She had to wipe her eyes before she could
answer.
“Dear mamma,” she said, “you would laugh as
heartily if you had seen him when he suddenly recollected
that in his eagerness to make me acquainted with
the glories of the Kensits and the abilities of the Johnsons,
he had neglected the object of his excursion to that
room with my poor self, until it was too late.”
“I doubt it,” said Mrs. Burney. “I do not laugh at
incidents of that sort. I lose patience when I hear of
a young man neglecting his chances when they are offered
to him. But had he ever a chance with you,
Fanny?”
“Not the remotest, dear mamma. If he had remembered
to speak in time, and if he had spoken with all the
eloquence of his admirable uncle, the Alderman, he
would not have succeeded. If Thomas Barlowe were the
last man in the world I should e’en die an old maid.”
“That is a foolish thing for you to say. You may die
an old maid for that. But indeed when I saw young
Mr. Barlowe in his home, I perceived that he was not for
you. I could not see you a member of that family,
worthy though they may be.”
“I think if a girl loves a young man with all her heart
she will agree to marry him, however worthy may be his
family,” said Fanny. “But I am not that girl, and
young Mr. Barlowe is not that man.”
“I daresay that is how you feel,” said the elder lady.
“But you must not forget, Fanny, that you are no longer
a girl; it is quite time that you had a house of your
own.”
“That is true, dear mamma, but for the present I am
happy in living in your house, and I ask for nothing
better than to be allowed to stay in your service.”
“That is all very well, but—”
“Ah, do not introduce that ‘but’—life would be
thoroughly happy if it were not for its ‘buts.’ Here
we are in Leicester Fields. I feel as if I should like a
roast apple for supper, to put a pleasant taste in my
mouth at the close of the longest day I can remember.”
They entered the parlour on the ground floor, and
found Lottie and Susy roasting apples on the hearth,
while Dr. Burney sat in his chair reading.
“I did not expect you back so soon,” said Mrs. Burney
to her husband.
“I did not mean to return for another hour,” said he,
“but Sir Joshua left early and brought me with him in
his coach. He cut his evening short in order to get back
to a book which he affirms is the best he has read since
Fielding.”
“It would have to be a good book to take the attention
of Sir Joshua,” said Mrs. Burney. “Did you hear
what was its name?”
“It is called ‘Evelina,’ I believe,” replied Dr. Burney.
“A novel, of course. I remember hearing the name
some time ago,” said his wife. “‘Evelina’; yes, it has
a familiar sound. I cannot recollect at this moment who
it was that mentioned it to me. I believe I told you of
it at the time, Fanny.”
“I do not remember your telling me that anyone had
mentioned it to you; but I am nearly sure that that was
the name of the novel advertised in the Chronicle—you
read out all about it after breakfast one morning,” said
Fanny.
“You are quite right—that was how I got the name
in my mind. Now you can have your roasted apple,
child. But if you are hungry you have only yourself to
thank for it. Don’t bend so over the fire, Susy; your
face is frightfully red—so, for that matter, is Lottie’s.
No, thanks, you need not roast one for me.”