It will not do at all to disbelieve in the existence of a
personal devil. It is not so many years ago that one
of our profoundest divines remarked with indignation
upon such disbelief. “No such person?” cried the doctor
with energy. “Don’t tell me! I can hear his tail
snap and crack about amongst the churches any day!”
And if the enemy is, in truth, still as vigorously active
among the sons of God as he was in the days of Job
(that is to say, in the time of Solomon, when, as the critics
have found out, the Book of Job was written), then
surely still more is he vigilant and sly in his tricks for
foreclosing his mortgages upon the souls of the wicked.
And once more: still more than ever is his personal
appearance probable in these latter days. The everlasting
tooting of the wordy Cumming has proclaimed
the end of all things for a quarter of a century; and he
will surely see his prophecy fulfilled if he can only keep
it up long enough. But, though we discredit the sapient
Second-Adventist as to the precise occasion of the diabolic
avatar, has there not been a strange coincidence
between his noisy declarations, and other evidences of
an approximation of the spiritual to the bodily sphere
of life? Is not this same quarter of a century that of
the Spiritists? Has it not witnessed the development
of Od? And of clairvoyance? And have not the doctrines
of ghosts, and re-appearances of the dead, and of
messages from them, risen into a prominence entirely
new, and into a coherence and semblance at least of
fact and fixed law such as was never known before?
Yea, verily. Of all times in the world’s history, to reject
out of one’s beliefs either good spirits or bad, angelology
or diabology, chief good being, or chief bad
being, this is the most improper.
Dr. Hicok was trebly liable to the awful temptation,
under which he had assuredly fallen, over and above
the fact that he was a prig, which makes one feel the
more glad that he was so handsomely come up with in
the end; such a prig that everybody who knew him,
invariably called him (when he wasn’t by) Hicok-alorum.
This charming surname had been conferred
on him by a crazy old fellow with whom he once got
into a dispute. Lunatics have the most awfully tricky
ways of dodging out of pinches in reasoning; but Hicok
knew too much to know that; and so he acquired his fine
title to teach him one thing more.
Trebly liable, we said. The three reasons are,—
- 1. He was foreign-born.
- 2. He was a Scotchman.
- 3. He was a physician and surgeon.
The way in which these causes operated was as follows
(I wish it were allowable to use Artemas Ward’s
curiously satisfactory vocable “thusly:” like Mrs. Wiggle’s
soothing syrup, it “supplies a real want”):—
Being foreign-born, Dr. Hicok had not the unfailing
moral stamina of a native American, and therefore was
comparatively easily beset by sin. Being, secondly, a
Scotchman, he was not only thoroughly conceited, with a
conceit as immovable as the Bass Rock, just as other
folks sometimes are, but, in particular, he was perfectly
sure of his utter mastery of metaphysics, logic and dialectics,
or, as he used to call it, with a snobbish Teutonicalization,
dialektik. Now, in the latter two, the
Scotch can do something, but in metaphysics they are
simply imbecile; which quality, in the inscrutable providence
of God, has been joined with an equally complete
conviction of the exact opposite. Let not man, therefore,
put those traits asunder—not so much by reason
of any divine ordinance, as because no man in his senses
would try to convince a Scotchman—or anybody else,
for that matter.
Thirdly, he was a physician and surgeon; and gentlemen
of this profession are prone to become either thoroughgoing
materialists, or else implicit and extreme Calvinistic
Presbyterians, “of the large blue kind.” And
they are, moreover, positive, hard-headed, bold, and
self-confident. So they have good need to be. Did not
Majendie say to his students, “Gentlemen, disease is a
subject which physicians know nothing about”?
So the doctor both believed in the existence of a personal
devil, and believed in his own ability to get the
upper hand of that individual in a tournament of the wits.
Ah, he learned better by terrible experience! The doctor
was a dry-looking little chap, with sandy hair, a
freckled face, small grey eyes, and absurd white eyebrows
and eyelashes, which made him look as if he had
finished off his toilet with just a light flourish from the
dredging-box. He was erect of carriage, and of a
prompt, ridiculous alertness of step and motion, very
much like that of Major Wellington De Boots. And his
face commonly wore a kind of complacent serenity such
as the Hindoos ascribe to Buddha. I know a little snappish
dentist’s-goods dealer up town, who might be mistaken
for Hicok-alorum any day.
Well, well—what had the doctor done? Why—it will
sound absurd, probably, to some unbelieving people—but
really Dr. Hicok confessed the whole story to me himself:
he had made a bargain with the Evil One! And
indeed he was such an uncommonly disagreeable-looking
fellow, that, unless on some such hypothesis, it is impossible
to imagine how he could have prospered as he
did. He gained patients, and cured them too; made
money; invested successfully; bought a brown-stone
front—a house, not a wiglet—then bought other real estate;
began to put his name on charity subscription lists,
and to be made vice-president of various things.
Chiefest of all,—it must have been by some superhuman
aid that Dr. Hicok married his wife, the then and
present Mrs. Hicok. Dear me! I have described the
doctor easily enough. But how infinitely more difficult
it is to delineate Beauty than the Beast: did you ever
think of it? All I can say is, that she is a very lovely
woman now; and she must have been, when the doctor
married her, one of the loveliest creatures that ever lived—a
lively, graceful, bright-eyed brunette, with thick fine
long black hair, pencilled delicate eyebrows, little pink
ears, thin high nose, great astonished brown eyes, perfect
teeth, a little rosebud of a mouth, and a figure so
extremely beautiful that nobody believed she did not
pad—hardly even the artists who—those of them at
least who work faithfully in the life-school—are the
very best judges extant of truth in costume and personal
beauty. But, furthermore, she was good, with the innocent
unconscious goodness of a sweet little child; and
of all feminine charms—even beyond her supreme grace
of motion—she possessed the sweetest, the most resistless—a
lovely voice; whose tones, whether in speech or
song, were perfect in sweetness, and with a strange penetrating
sympathetic quality and at the same time with
the most wonderful half-delaying completeness of articulation
and modulation, as if she enjoyed the sound
of her own music. No doubt she did; but it was unconsciously,
like a bird. The voice was so sweet, the
great loveliness and kindness of soul it expressed were
so deep, that, like every exquisite beauty, it rayed forth
a certain sadness within the pleasure it gave. It awakened
infinite, indistinct emotions of beauty and perfection—infinite
longings.
It’s of no use to tell me that such a spirit—she really
ought not to be noted so low down as amongst human
beings—that such a spirit could have been made glad
by becoming the yoke-fellow of Hicok-alorum, by influences
exclusively human. No!—I don’t believe it—I
won’t believe it—it can’t be believed. I can’t convince
you, of course, for you don’t know her; but if you did,
along with the rest of the evidence, and if your knowledge
was like mine, that from the testimony of my own
eyes and ears and judgment—you would know, just as I
do, that the doctor’s possession of his wife was the key-stone
of the arch of completed proof on which I found
my absolute assertion that he had made that bargain.
He certainly had! A most characteristic transaction
too; for while, after the usual fashion, it was agreed
by the “party of the first part,”—viz., Old Scratch—that
Dr. Hicok should succeed in whatever he undertook
during twenty years, and by the party of the second
part, that at the end of that time the D—— should fetch
him in manner and form as is ordinarily provided, yet
there was added a peculiar clause. This was, that,
when the time came for the doctor to depart, he should
be left entirely whole and unharmed, in mind, body, and
estate, provided he could put to the Devil three consecutive
questions, of which either one should be such that
that cunning spirit could not solve it on the spot.
So for twenty years Dr. Hicok lived and prospered,
and waxed very great. He did not gain one single
pound avoirdupois however, which may perchance seem
strange, but is the most natural thing in the world. Who
ever saw a little, dry, wiry, sandy, freckled man, with
white eyebrows, that did grow fat? And besides, the
doctor spent all his leisure time in hunting up his saving
trinity of questions; and hard study, above all for such
a purpose, is as sure an anti-fattener as Banting.
He knew the Scotch metaphysicians by heart already,
ex-officio as it were; but he very early gave up the idea
of trying to fool the Devil with such mud-pie as that.
Yet be it understood, that he found cause to except Sir
William Hamilton from the muddle-headed crew. He
chewed a good while, and pretty hopefully, upon the
Quantification of the Predicate; but he had to give that
up too, when he found out how small and how dry a
meat rattled within the big, noisy nut-shell. He read
Saint Thomas Aquinas, and Peter Dens, and a cartload
more of old casuists, Romanist and Protestant.
He exhausted the learning of the Development
Theory. He studied and experimented up to the existing
limits of knowledge on the question of the Origin of
Life, and then poked out alone, as much farther as he
could, into the ineffable black darkness that is close at
the end of our noses on that, as well as most other questions.
He hammered his way through the whole controversy
on the Freedom of the Will. He mastered the
whole works of Mrs. Henry C. Carey on one side, and
of two hundred and fifty English capitalists and American
college professors on the other, on the question of
Protection or Free Trade. He made, with vast pains,
an extensive collection of the questions proposed at debating
societies and college-students’ societies with long
Greek names. The last effort was a failure. Dr.
Hicok had got the idea, that, from the spontaneous activity
of so many free young geniuses, many wondrous
and suggestive thoughts would be born. Having, however,
tabulated his collection, he found, that, among all
these innumerable gymnasia of intellect, there were
only seventeen questions debated! The doctor read me
a curious little memorandum of his conclusions on this
unexpected fact, which will perhaps be printed some
day.
He investigated many other things too; for a sharp-witted
little Presbyterian Scotch doctor, working to cheat
the Devil out of his soul, can accomplish an amazing
deal in twenty years. He even went so far as to take
into consideration mere humbugs; for, if he could cheat
the enemy with a humbug, why not? The only pain in
that case, would be the mortification of having stooped
to an inadequate adversary—a foeman unworthy of his
steel. So he weighed such queries as the old scholastic
brocard, An chimoera bombinans in vacuo devorat secundas
intentiones? and that beautiful moot point wherewith
Sir Thomas More silenced the challenging schoolmen
of Bruges, An averia carrucae capta in vetito nomio
sint irreplegibilia?
He glanced a little at the subject of conundrums; and
among the chips from his workshop is a really clever
theory of conundrums. He has a classification and
discussion of them, all his own, and quite ingenious
and satisfactory, which divides them into answerable
and unanswerable, and, under each of these, into resemblant
and differential.
For instance: let the four classes be distinguished
with the initials of those four terms, A. R., A. D., U. R.,
and U. D.; you will find that the Infinite Possible Conundrum
(so to speak) can always be reduced under one of
those four heads. Using symbols, as they do in discussing
syllogism—indeed, by the way, a conundrum
is only a jocular variation in the syllogism, an intentional
fallacy for fun (read Whately’s Logic, Book III.,
and see if it isn’t so)—using symbols, I say, you have
these four “figures:”—
I. (A. R.) Why is A like B? (answerable): as, Why
is a gentleman who gives a young lady a young dog, like
a person who rides rapidly up hill? A. Because he
gives a gallop up (gal-a-pup).
Sub-variety; depending upon a violation of something
like the “principle of excluded middle,” a very
fallacy of a fallacy; such as the ancient “nigger-minstrel!”
case, Why is an elephant like a brick? A. Because
neither of them can climb a tree.
II. (A. D.) Why is A unlike B? (answerable) usually
put thus: What is the difference between A and
B? (Figure I., if worded in the same style, would become:
What is the similarity between A and B?): as,
What is the difference between the old United-States
Bank and the Fulton Ferry-boat signals in thick weather?
A. One is a fog whistle, and the other is a Whig fossil.
III. (U. R.) Why is A like B? (unanswerable): as
Charles Lamb’s well-known question, Is that your own
hare, or a wig?
IV. (U. D.) Why is A unlike B? (unanswerable): i. e.,
What is the difference, &c., as, What is the difference
between a fac simile and a sick family; or between hydraulics
and raw-hide licks?
But let me not diverge too far into frivolity. All the
hopefully difficult questions Dr. Hicok set down and
classified. He compiled a set of rules on the subject,
and indeed developed a whole philosophy of it, by which
he struck off, as soluble, questions or classes of them.
Some he thought out himself; others were now and then
answered in some learned book, that led the way
through the very heart of one or another of his biggest
mill-stones.
So it was really none too much time that he had; and,
in truth, he did not actually decide upon his three questions,
until just a week before the fearful day when he
was to put them.
It came at last, as every day of reckoning surely
comes; and Dr. Hicok, memorandum in hand, sat in
his comfortable library about three o’clock on one beautiful
warm summer afternoon, as pale as a sheet, his
heart thumping away like Mr. Krupp’s biggest steam-hammer
at Essen, his mouth and tongue parched and
feverish, a pitcher of cold water at hand from which
he sipped and sipped, though it seemed as if his throat
repelled it into “the globular state,” or dispersed it into
steam, as red-hot iron does. Around him were the records
of the vast army of doubters and quibblers in whose
works he had been hunting, as a traveller labours
through a jungle, for the deepest doubts, the most remote
inquiries.
Sometimes, with that sort of hardihood, rather than
reason, which makes a desperate man try to believe by
his will what he longs to know to be true, Dr. Hicok
would say to himself, “I know I’ve got him!” And then
his heart would seem to fall out of him, it sank so suddenly,
and with so deadly a faintness, as the other side
of his awful case loomed before him, and he thought,
“But if—?” He would not finish that question; he
could not. The furthest point to which he could bring
himself was that of a sort of icy outer stiffening of acquiescence
in the inevitable.
There was a ring at the street-door. The servant
brought in a card, on a silver salver.
“Show the gentleman in,” said the doctor. He spoke
with difficulty; for the effort to control his own nervous
excitement was so immense an exertion, that he hardly
had the self-command and muscular energy even to articulate.
The servant returned, and ushered into the library a
handsome, youngish, middle-aged and middle-sized gentleman,
pale, with large melancholy black eyes, and
dressed in the most perfect and quiet style.
The doctor arose, and greeted his visitor with a degree
of steadiness and politeness that did him the greatest
credit.
“How do you do, sir?” he said: “I am happy”—but
it struck him that he wasn’t, and he stopped short.
“Very right, my dear sir,” replied the guest, in a voice
that was musical but perceptibly sad, or rather patient
in tone. “Very right; how hollow those formulas are!
I hate all forms and ceremonies! But I am glad to see
you, doctor. Now, that is really the fact.”
No doubt! “Divil doubt him!” as an Irishman would
say. So is a cat glad to see a mouse in its paw. Something
like these thoughts arose in the doctor’s mind; he
smiled as affably as he could, and requested the visitor
to be seated.
“Thanks!” replied he, and took the chair which the
doctor moved up to the table for him. He placed his
hat and gloves on the table. There was a brief pause,
as might happen if any two friends sat down at their
ease for a chat on matters and things in general. The
visitor turned over a volume or two that lay on the
table.
“The Devil,” he read from one of them; “His Origin,
Greatness, and Decadence. By the Rev. A. Réville,
D.D.”
“Ah!” he commented quietly. “A Frenchman, I observe.
If it had been an Englishman, I should fancy
he wrote the book for the sake of the rhyme in the title.
Do you know, doctor, I fancy that incredulity of his will
substitute one dash for the two periods in the reverend
gentleman’s degree! I know no one greater condition of
success in some lines of operation, than to have one’s existence
thoroughly disbelieved in.”
The doctor forced himself to reply: “I hardly know
how I came to have the book here. Yet he does make
out a pretty strong case. I confess I would like to be
certified that he is right. Suppose you allow yourself
to be convinced?” And the poor fellow grinned: it
couldn’t be called a smile.
“Why, really, I’ll look into it. I’ve considered the
point though, not that I’m sure I could choose. And
you know, as the late J. Milton very neatly observed, one
would hardly like to lose one’s intellectual being,
‘though full of pain;’” and he smiled, not unkindly but
sadly, and then resumed: “A Bible too. Very good
edition. I remember seeing it stated that a professional
person made it his business to find errors of the press
in one of the Bible Society’s editions—this very one,
I think; and the only one he could discover was a single
‘wrong font.’ Very accurate work—very!”
He had been turning over the leaves indifferently as
he spoke, and laid the volume easily back. “Curious
old superstition that,” he remarked, “that certain personages
were made uncomfortable by this work!” And
he gave the doctor a glance, as much as to ask, in the
most delicate manner in the world, “Did you put that
there to scare me with?”
I think the doctor blushed a little. He had not really
expected, you know,—still, in case there should be any
prophylactic influence—? No harm done, in any
event; and that was precisely the observation made by
the guest.
“No harm done, my dear fellow!” he said, in his
calm, quiet, musical voice. No good, either, I imagine
they both of them added to themselves.
There is an often repeated observation, that people
under the pressure of an immeasurable misery or agony
seem to take on a preternaturally sharp vision for
minute details, such as spots in the carpet, and sprigs in
the wall-paper, threads on a sleeve, and the like. Probably
the doctor felt this influence. He had dallied a
little, too, with the crisis; and so did his visitor—from
different motives, no doubt; and, as he sat there, his eye
fell on the card that had just been brought to him.
“I beg your pardon,” he said; “but might I ask a
question about your card?”
“Most certainly, doctor: what is it?”
“Why—it’s always a liberty to ask questions about a
gentleman’s name, and we Scotchmen are particularly
sensitive on the point; but I have always been interested
in the general subject of patronomatology.”
The other, by a friendly smile and a deprecating wave
of the hand, renewed his welcome to the doctor’s question.
“Well, it’s this: How did you come to decide upon
that form of name—Mr. Apollo Lyon?”
“Oh! just a little fancy of mine. It’s a newly-invented
variable card, I believe they call it. There’s a
temporary ink arrangement. It struck me it was liable
to abuse in case of an assumption of aliases; but perhaps
that’s none of my business. You can easily take
off the upper name, and another one comes out underneath.
I’m always interested in inventions. See.”
And as the text, “But they have sought out many inventions,”
passed through Dr. Hicok’s mind, the other
drew forth a white handkerchief, and, rubbing the card
in a careless sort of way, laid it down before the doctor.
Perhaps the strain on the poor doctor’s nerves was unsteadying
him by this time: he may not have seen right;
but he seemed to see only one name, as if compounded
from the former two.
And it seemed to be in red ink instead of black; and
the lines seemed to creep and throb and glow, as if the
red were the red of fire, instead of vermilion. But red
is an extremely trying colour to the eyes. However, the
doctor, startled as he was, thought best not to raise any
further queries, and only said, perhaps with some difficulty,
“Very curious, I’m sure!”
“Well, doctor,” said Mr. Lyon, or whatever his name
was, “I don’t want to hurry you, but I suppose we might
as well have our little business over?”
“Why, yes. I suppose you wouldn’t care to consider
any question of compromises or substitutes?”
“I fear it’s out of the question, really,” was the reply,
most kindly in tone, but with perfect distinctness.
There was a moment’s silence. It seemed to Dr.
Hicok as if the beating of his heart must fill the room,
it struck so heavily, and the blood seemed to surge with
so loud a rush through the carotids up past his ears.
“Shall I be found to have gone off with a rush of blood
to the head?” he thought to himself. But—it can very
often be done by a resolute effort—he gathered himself
together as it were, and with one powerful exertion mastered
his disordered nerves. Then he lifted his memorandum,
gave one glance at the sad, calm face opposite
him, and spoke.
“You know they’re every once in a while explaining a
vote, as they call it, in Congress. It don’t make any
difference, I know; but it seems to me as if I should put
you more fully in possession of my meaning, if I should
just say a word or two, about the reasons for my selection.”
The visitor bowed with his usual air of pleasant acquiescence.
“I am aware,” said Dr. Hicok, “that my selection
would seem thoroughly commonplace to most people.
Yet nobody knows better than you do, my dear sir, that
the oldest questions are the newest. The same vitality
which is so strong in them, as to raise them as soon as
thought begins, is infinite, and maintains them as long
as thought endures. Indeed, I may say to you frankly,
that it is by no means on novelty, but rather on antiquity,
that I rely.”
The doctor’s hearer bowed with an air of approving
interest. “Very justly reasoned,” he observed. The
doctor went on—
“I have, I may say—and under the circumstances I
shall not be suspected of conceit—made pretty much the
complete circuit of unsolved problems. They class exactly
as those questions do which we habitually reckon
as solved: under the three subjects to which they relate—God,
the intelligent creation, the unintelligent creation.
Now, I have selected my questions accordingly—one for
each of those divisions. Whether I have succeeded in
satisfying the conditions necessary will appear quickly.
But you see that I have not stooped to any quibbling, or
begging either. I have sought to protect myself by the
honourable use of a masculine reason.”
“Your observations interest me greatly,” remarked
the audience. “Not the less so, that they are so accurately
coincident with my own habitual lines of
thought—at least, so far as I can judge from what you
have said. Indeed, suppose you had called upon me to
help you prepare insoluble problems. I was bound, I
suppose, to comply to the best of my ability; and, if I
had done so, those statements of yours are thus far the
very preface I supplied—I beg your pardon—should
have supplied—you with. I fancy I could almost state
the questions. Well?”—
All this was most kind and complimentary; but somehow
it did not encourage the doctor in the least. He
even fancied that he detected a sneer, as if his interlocutor
had been saying, “Flutter away, old bird! That
was my bait that you have been feeding on: you’re safe
enough; it is my net that holds you.”
“First Question,” said Dr. Hicok, with steadiness:
“Reconcile the foreknowledge and the fore-ordination
of God with the free will of man?”
“I thought so, of course,” remarked the other. Then
he looked straight into the doctor’s keen little grey eyes
with his deep melancholy black ones, and raised his
slender fore-finger. “Most readily. The reconciliation
is your own conscience, doctor! Do what you know to
be right, and you will find that there is nothing to reconcile—that
you and your Maker have no debates to
settle!”
The words were spoken with a weighty solemnity and
conviction that were even awful. The doctor had a
conscience, though he had found himself practically
forced, for the sake of success, to use a good deal of
constraint with it—in fact, to lock it up, as it were, in a
private mad-house, on an unfounded charge of lunacy.
But the obstinate thing would not die, and would not
lose its wits; and now all of a sudden, and from the
very last quarter where it was to be expected, came a
summons before whose intensity of just requirement no
bolts could stand. The doctor’s conscience walked out
of her prison, and came straight up to the field of battle,
and said—
“Give up the first question.”
And he obeyed.
“I confess it,” he said. “But how could I have expected
a great basic truth both religiously and psychologically
so, from—from you?”
“Ah! my dear sir,” was the reply, “you have erred in
that line of thought, exactly as many others have. The
truth is one and the same, to God, man, and devil.”
“Second Question,” said Dr. Hicok. “Reconcile the
development theory, connection of natural selection and
sexual relation, with the responsible immortality of the
soul.”
“Unquestionably,” assented the other, as if to say,
“Just as I expected.”
“No theory of creation has any logical connection
with any doctrine of immortality. What was the motive
of creation?—that would be a question! If you
had asked me that! But the question, ‘Where did men
come from?’ has no bearing on the question, ‘Have they
any duties now that they are here?’ The two are reconciled,
because they do not differ. You can’t state any
inconsistency between a yard measure and a fifty-six
pound weight.”
The doctor nodded; he sat down; he took a glass of
water, and pressed his hand to his heart. “Now, then,”
he said to himself, “once more! If I have to stand this
fifteen minutes I shall be in some other world!”
The door from the inner room opened; and Mrs.
Hicok came singing in, carrying balanced upon her
pretty pink fore-finger something or other of an airy
bouquet-like fabric. Upon this she was looking with
much delight.
“See, dear!” she said: “how perfectly lovely!”
Both gentlemen started, and the lady started too.
She had not known of the visit; and she had not, until
this instant, seen that her husband was not alone.
Dr. Hicok, of course, had never given her the key to
his skeleton-closet; for he was a shrewd man. He loved
her too; and he thought he had provided for her absence
during the ordeal. She had executed her shopping with
unprecedented speed.
Why the visitor started, would be difficult to say.
Perhaps her voice startled him. The happy music in it
was enough like a beautified duplicate of his own thrilling
sweet tones, to have made him acknowledge her for
a sister—from heaven. He started, at any rate.
“Mr. Lyon, my wife,” said the doctor, somewhat at a
loss. Mr. Lyon bowed, and so did the lady.
“I beg your pardon, gentlemen, I am sure,” she said.
“I did not know you were busy, dear. There is a
thunder-shower coming up. I drove home just in
season.”
“Oh!—only a little wager, about some conundrums,”
said the doctor. Perhaps he may be excused for his
fib. He did not want to annoy her unnecessarily.
“Oh, do let me know!” she said, with much eagerness.
“You know how I enjoy them!”
“Well,” said the doctor, “not exactly the ordinary
kind. I was to puzzle my friend here with one out of
three questions; and he has beaten me in two of them already.
I’ve but one more chance.”
“Only one?” she asked, with a smile. “What a
bright man your friend must be! I thought nobody
could puzzle you, dear. Stay; let me ask the other
question.”
Both the gentlemen started again: it was quite a surprise.
“But are you a married man, Mr. Lyon?” she asked,
with a blush.
“No, madam,” was the reply, with a very graceful
bow—“I have a mother, but no wife. Permit me to
say, that, if I could believe there was a duplicate of
yourself in existence, I would be as soon as possible.”
“Oh, what a gallant speech!” said the lady. “Thank
you, sir, very much;” and she made him a pretty little
curtsy. “Then I am quite sure of my question, sir.
Shall I, dear?”
The doctor quickly decided. “I am done for, anyhow,”
he reflected. “I begin to see that the old villain
put those questions into my head himself. He hinted
as much. I don’t know but I’d rather she would ask
it. It’s better to have her kill me, I guess, than to
hold out the carving-knife to him myself.”
“With all my heart, my dear,” said the doctor, “if
Mr. Lyon consents.”
Mr. Lyon looked a little disturbed; but his manner
was perfect, as he replied that he regretted to seem to
disoblige, but that he feared the conditions of their little
bet would not allow it.
“Beg your pardon, I’m sure, for being so uncivil,”
said the lively little beauty, as she whispered a few
words in her husband’s ear.
This is what she said—
“What’s mine’s yours, dear. Take it. Ask him—buz,
buzz, buzz.”
The doctor nodded. Mrs. Hicok stood by him and
smiled, still holding in her pretty pink fore-finger the
frail shimmering thing just mentioned; and she gave it
a twirl, so that it swung quite round. “Isn’t it a love of
a bonnet?” she said.
“Yes,” the doctor said aloud. “I adopt the question.”
“Third Question. Which is the front side of this?”
And he pointed to the bonnet. It must have been a
bonnet, because Mrs. Hicok called it so. I shouldn’t
have known it from the collection of things in a kaleidoscope,
bunched up together.
The lady stood before him, and twirled the wondrous
fabric round and round, with the prettiest possible unconscious
roguish look of defiance. The doctor’s very
heart stood still.
“Put it on, please,” said Mr. Lyon, in the most innocent
way in the world.
“Oh, no!” laughed she. “I know I’m only a woman,
but I’m not quite so silly! But I’ll tell you what: you
men put it on, if you think that will help you!” And
she held out the mystery to him.
Confident in his powers of discrimination, Mr. Lyon
took hold of the fairy-like combination of sparkles and
threads and feathers and flowers, touching it with that
sort of timid apprehension that bachelors use with a
baby. He stood before the glass over the mantelpiece.
First he put it across his head with one side in front,
and then with the other. Then he put it lengthways of
his head, and tried the effect of tying one of the two
couples of strings under each of his ears. Then he put
it on, the other side up; so that it swam on his head like
a boat, with a high mounted bow and stern. More than
once he did all this, with obvious care and thoughtfulness.
Then he came slowly back, and resumed his seat. It
was growing very dark, though they had not noticed it;
for the thunder-shower had been hurrying on, and already
its advanced guard of wind, heavy laden with the
smell of the rain, could be heard, and a few large drops
splashed on the window.
The beautiful wife of the doctor laughed merrily to
watch the growing discomposure of the visitor, who returned
the bonnet, with undiminished courtesy, but with
obvious constraint of manner.
He looked down; he drummed on the table; he looked
up; and both the doctor and the doctor’s wife were
startled at the intense sudden anger in the dark, handsome
face. Then he sprang up, and went to the window.
He looked out a moment, and then said—
“Upon my word, that is going to be a very sharp
squall! The clouds are very heavy. If I’m any judge,
something will be struck. I can feel the electricity in
the air.”
While he still spoke, the first thunder-bolt crashed
overhead. It was one of those close, sudden, overpoweringly
awful explosions from clouds very heavy and
very near, where the lightning and the thunder leap together
out of the very air close about you, even as if you
were in them. It was an unendurable burst of sound,
and of the intense white sheety light of very near lightning.
Dreadfully frightened, the poor little lady clung
close to her husband. He, poor man, if possible yet
more frightened, exhausted as he was by what he had
been enduring, fainted dead away. Don’t blame him: a
cast-iron bull-dog might have fainted.
Mrs. Hicok, thinking that her husband was struck
dead by the lightning, screamed terribly. Then she
touched him; and, seeing what was really the matter,
administered cold water from the pitcher on the table.
Shortly he revived.
“Where is he?” he said.
“I don’t know, love. I thought you were dead. He
must have gone away. Did it strike the house?”
“Gone away? Thank God! Thank you, dear!”
cried out the doctor.
Not knowing any adequate cause for so much emotion,
she answered him—
“Now, love, don’t you ever say women are not practical
again. That was a practical question, you see.
But didn’t it strike the house? What a queer smell.
Ozone: isn’t that what you were telling me about? How
funny, that lightning should have a smell!”
“I believe there’s no doubt of it,” observed Dr. Hicok.
Mr. Apollo Lyon had really gone, though just how or
when, nobody could say.
“My dear,” said Dr. Hicok, “I do so like that bonnet
of yours! I don’t wonder it puzzled him. It would
puzzle the Devil himself. I firmly believe I shall call
it your Devil-puzzler.”
But he never told her what the puzzle had been.