General Conundrums
9
Why is life the greatest of all conundrums?
Because we must all give it up.
When may an army be said to be totally destroyed?
When its soldiers are all in quarters.
Which is swifter, heat or cold? Heat,
because you can catch cold.
Why is a young lady like a letter? Because
if she isn’t well stamped the mails (males)
won’t take her.
Why are dudes no longer imported into this
country from England? Because a Yankee
dude ’ll do (Yankee doodle doo).
What flowers can be found between the nose
and chin? Tulips (two lips).
Why is a dude’s hat like swearing? Because
it is something to avoid.
How many wives is a man lawfully entitled to
by the English prayer-book? Sixteen: Four
richer, four poorer, four better, four worse.
10Why is a bright young lady like a spoon in a
cup of tea? Because she is interesting (in tea
resting).
Why does a young man think his sweetheart
is like a door-knob? Because she is something
to adore (a door).
Why is the emblem of the United States more
enduring than that of France, England, Ireland,
or Scotland?
The Lily may fade and its leaves decay,
The Rose from its stem may sever,
The Shamrock and Thistle may pass away,
But the Stars will shine forever.
Why is a kiss like a sermon? Because it
needs two heads and an application.
What is the shape of a kiss? Elliptical.
Why is a kiss like gossip? Because it goes
from mouth to mouth.
When two people kiss, what kind of a riddle
does it make? A rebus.
What is it George Washington seldom saw,
God never saw, and we see every day? Our
equals.
What is better than God, worse than the
devil, the dead live on, and the living would die
if they lived on? Nothing.
11Prove by logic that an oyster is better than
heaven. Nothing is better than heaven; an
oyster is better than nothing; therefore an
oyster is better than heaven.
What is the difference between a honeymoon
and a honeycomb? One is a big sell, the other
little cells.
Why is a man who makes pens a wicked
man? Because he makes men steel (steal) pens
and then says they do write (right).
What is the difference between a lady and an
apple? One you have to get side her to squeeze,
and the other you have to squeeze to get cider.
Who is the greatest chicken-killer spoken of
in Shakespeare? Macbeth, because he did
murder most foul.
Why is music cheaper on Sunday than during
the week? Because during the week you get
it by the piece, and on Sunday you get it by
the choir.
Which death would you prefer to die, Joan
of Arc’s or Mary Stuart’s? Most people prefer
Joan of Arc’s, because they like a hot steak
better than a cold chop.
What great writer’s name might you appropriately
mention if you were standing by the
grave of Bob Ingersoll? Robert Burns.
12What three great writers names might you
think of if you were watching a house burn
down? Dickens, Howett, Burns.
If you were invited out to dinner and on
sitting down to the table saw nothing but a
beet, what would you say? That beet’s all.
Give a definition of love. An inward inexpressibility
and an outward alloverishness; or,
the classical definition of a collegiate is, “Love
is the so-ness, as it were, of the white heat fusion
of the intellect, sensibility, and will.”
When is charity like a top? When it begins
to hum.
Why is a man sometimes like dough? Not
because a woman needs (kneads) him, but because
he is hard to get off of her hands.
Why does a minister always say “dearly
beloved brethren” and not refer to the sisters?
Because the brethren embrace the sisters.
What part of a ragged garment resembles the
Pope’s title? Its Holiness.
Why are a dead duck and a dead doctor
alike? Because they have both stopped quacking.
When is the best time to read from the book
of nature? When the spring opens the leaves
and the autumn turns them.
13In what liquid does the Queen of England
take her medicine? In cider (side her).
Why is a restless man in bed like a lawyer?
Because he lies on one side, then turns around
and lies on the other.
Why do tailors make very ardent lovers?
Because they press their suits.
When is a man of greatest use at the dinner-table?
When he is a spoon.
What is the difference between a rejected and
an accepted lover? One misses the kisses and
the other kisses the misses.
What is the difference between a church deacon
and a little rag-a-muffin? One passes the
sasser (saucer) and the other sasses the passer.
Why is a lover like a knocker? Because he
is bound to adore (a door).
In what colored ink should we write our secrets?
In violet (inviolate).
Why is a young lady like an arrow? Because
she can’t go off without a bow (beau),
and is in a quiver till she gets one.
If a young lady fell into a well why couldn’t
her brother help her out? Because, how could
he be a brother and assist her (a sister) too?
14If all the women went to China, where would
the men go? To Pekin.
Why does a Russian soldier wear brass buttons
on his coat, and an Austrian soldier wear
steel ones? To keep his coat buttoned.
What is the difference between an old penny
and a new dime? Nine cents.
How is the best way to make a coat last?
To make the trousers and vest first.
What word of four syllables would a man utter
if he should eat his wife and wanted to express
his approbation of the deed? Gladiator (glad
I ate her).
Why does a cat look on first one side and
then another when she enters a room? Because
she can’t look on both sides at the same
time.
Why is a widower like a young baby? Because
he cries a great deal the first six months,
looks around the second six months, and has
hard work to get through his second summer.
Why is Philadelphia more subject to earthquakes
than any other city? Because she is a
Quaker city.
Why is a policeman on his beat like an Irishman
rolling down a hill? Because he’s patroling
(Pat rolling).
15If the alphabet were all invited out to supper,
in what order would they come? They would
all get there down to S, and the rest would come
after T.
What would contain all the snuff in the
world? No one nose (knows).
Why is a hound like a man with a bald head?
Because he makes a little hare (hair) go a long
ways.
What is the first thing a man sets in his garden?
His foot.
Who were the first astronomers? The stars,
because they have studded the heavens ever
since the creation.
When may you be said to imbibe a piano?
When you have a piano for tea (pianoforte).
When may bread be said to be alive? When
it has a little Indian in it.
Why does a bachelor who has a counterfeit
half dollar passed on him want to get married?
To get a better half.
Why does a sculptor die a most horrible
death? Because he makes faces and busts.
Why do we generally dub a city her or she?
Because about a city there is so much bustle
and because she has outskirts.
16Why does a hair-dresser die a sad death?
Because he curls up and dies (dyes).
Why are washwomen great flirts? Because
they wring men’s bosoms.
If thirty-two degrees is freezing point, what
is squeezing point? Two in the shade.
Prove that the winds are blind. The wind is
a zephyr, a zephyr is a yarn, a yarn is a story,
a story is a tale, a tail is an attachment, an attachment
is love, and love is blind; therefore,
the winds are blind.
Why is a married man like a fire? Because
he provokes his wife by going out at night.
Why is a pig’s brain larger than any other
animal’s? Because he has a hog’s head full.
Where was the first Adams Express Company
located? In the Garden of Eden, when Eve
was created.
What is the difference between a young lady
and a mouse? One charms the he’s, the other
harms the cheese.
Why are men like facts? Because they are
stubborn things.
What is the difference between a gardener and
a Chinaman? One keeps the lawn wet, the
other keeps the lawn dry (laundry).
17Why is a young lady’s age after she has
reached twenty-five like a floral wedding bell?
Because it is never told.
When is a door not a door? When it’s an
egress (a negress).
Why is Patti like a jeweler? Because she
deals in precious tones (precious stones).
When is a bee a great nuisance? When it is
a humbug.
A New Yorker asks: What popular book
could the two cities, New York and Philadelphia,
be compared to? The Quick or the Dead.
Why is a dog dressed warmer in summer than
in winter? Because in winter he wears a fur
coat and in summer he wears a coat and
pants.
Why is it more dangerous to go out in the
spring than any other time of the year? Because
in the spring the grass has blades, the
flowers have pistils, the leaves shoot, and the
bullrushes out.
What is the difference between a hill and a
pill? One is hard to get up, the other is hard to
get down.
Why is a lazy dog like a hill? Because he
is a slow pup (slope up).
18A man and goose once went up in a balloon
together, the balloon burst and they landed on
a church steeple, how did the man get down?
Plucked the goose.
Why is a man riding up a hill like a man
taking a young dog to a lady? Because he is
taking a gallop up (gal a pup).
Why is a dentist a sad and a wicked man?
Because he is always looking down in the
mouth and dams all his patients.
What is the difference between a king’s son,
a monkey’s mother, a bald head, and an orphan?
A king’s son is the heir apparent, a
monkey’s mother is a hairy parent, a bald head
has no hair apparent, and an orphan has nary
a parent.
If William Penn’s aunts kept a pastry shop,
what would be the prices current of their pies?
The pie rates of Penn’s Aunts (Pirates of Penzance).
What celebrated man in English history
might you name if you wished to tell your servant
to replenish the fire in your grate? Philip
the Great (fill up the grate).
A man had twenty-six (twenty sick) sheep
and one died, how many remained? Nineteen.
19What is the difference between an Irishman
on a bleak mountain-top and a Scotchman?
One is kilt with the cowld and the other is
cowled with the kilt.
If a pair of andirons cost five dollars, what
would the wood come to burned on them for
one month? Come to ashes.
What is the difference between Niagara Falls
and Queen Elizabeth? One is a wonder, the
other is a Tudor.
What is a soldier’s definition of a kiss? A
report at headquarters.
Why is it easy to break into an old man’s
house? Because his gait (gate) is broken and
his locks are few.
What word of only three syllables combines
in it twenty-six letters? Alphabet.
Where can one always find happiness? In
the dictionary.
When will there be but twenty-five letters in
the alphabet? When U and I are one.
Why is it impossible for a swell who lisps to
believe in the existence of young ladies? Because
he calls every miss a mith.
What was Joan of Arc made of? Maid of
Orleans.
20Why are your eyes like friends separated by
the ocean? Because they correspond but never
meet.
Why is a lady who faints in a public place
like a good intention? Because she needs carrying
out.
What is the brightest idea in the world?
Your eye, dear.
What animal drops from the clouds? The
rain, dear (reindeer).
I went out walking one day and met three
beggars; to the first I gave ten cents, to the
second I also gave ten cents, and to the third I
gave but five—what time of day was it? A
quarter to three.
What is that which by losing an eye has
nothing left but a nose? Noise.
Why is a hen immortal? Because her son
never sets.
What is that which is full of holes and yet
holds water? A sponge.
What will impress the ear more sharply than
a falsetto voice? A false set of teeth.
What is that which is put on the table and
cut, but is never eaten. A pack of cards.
21What is the oldest table in the world? The
multiplication table.
Which river is the coldest? The Isis (ice is).
Why are cats like unskillful surgeons? Because
they mew till late and destroy patience
(patients).
Why is it almost certain that Shakespeare
was a broker? Because no other man has furnished
so many stock quotations.
How can you distinguish a fashionable man
from a tired dog? One wears an entire costume,
the other wears simply a coat and pants.
Why is a youth trying to raise a moustache
like a cow’s tail? Because he grows down.
Why is a professional thief very comfortable?
Because he usually takes things so easy.
When is a man obliged to keep his word?
When no one will take it.
Why is an attractive woman like a successful
gambler? Because she has such winning ways.
Why is the food one eats on an ocean
steamer like a difficult conundrum? Because
one is obliged to give it up.
Why are stout men usually sad? Because
they are men of sighs (size).
22Why are two young ladies kissing each other
an emblem of Christianity? Because they are
doing unto each other as they would that men
should do unto them.
What is the difference between a woman and
an umbrella? You can shut an umbrella up.
Why would it be very appropriate for a man
named Benjamin to marry a girl named Annie?
Because he would be Bennie-fitted and she
Annie-mated.
Why is this continent like milk? Because
it’s ours (it sours).
What is the color of the winds and waves in
a severe storm? The winds blew (blue), the
waves rose.
Why is a baker a most improvident person?
Because he is continually selling that which he
kneads himself.
What is it we all frequently say we will do
and no one has ever yet done? Stop a minute.
How can you by changing the pronunciation
of a word only turn mirth into crime? By
making man’s laughter manslaughter.
Why is a room full of married people like an
empty room? Because there is not a single
person in it.
23Which one of the United States is the largest
and most popular? The state of matrimony.
Which nation produces the most marriages?
Fascination.
When is a horse like a house? When he has
blinds on.
Why is a bridegroom often more expensive
than a bride? Because the bride is given away,
but the bridegroom is often sold.
Why is divinity the easiest of all professions?
Because it is easier to preach than to practice.
When is love deformed? When it is all on
one side.
What is the difference between a butcher and
a flirt? One kills to dress, and the other dresses
to kill.
When was B the first letter in the alphabet?
In the days of No-a (Noah).
How can I remove A from the alphabet? B-head
it.
Why is A like a honeysuckle? Because a B
follows it.
Why is modesty the strongest characteristic
of a watch? Because it always keeps its hands
before its face, and runs down its own works.
24Why is it right for B to come before C? Because
we must B before we can C.
Why are two t’s like hops? Because they
make beer better.
What kind of sense does a girl long for in a
disagreeable suitor? Absence.
Why is it dangerous to keep a clock at the
head of a pair of stairs? Because it sometimes
runs down.
Who are the two largest ladies in the United
States? Miss Ouri and Mrs. Sippi (Missouri
and Mississippi).
What key in music would make a good
officer? A sharp major.
What is the key-note to good manners? B
natural.
Why is a stupid fellow like G sharp? Because
he is A flat.
What do ladies look for when they go to
church? The Sams (psalms) and hims
(hymns).
Why are married men like steamboats? Because
they are sometimes blown up.
What ship contains more people than the
“Great Eastern”? Courtship.
25Why is a ship like a woman? Because she
is often tender to a man-of war; often running
after a smack; often attached to a buoy (boy);
and frequently making up to a peer (pier).
Why do women make good post-office clerks?
Because they know how to manage the mails
(males).
Why is lip-salve like a chaperon? Because it
is intended to keep the chaps away.
If a pair of andirons cost $7.75, what would
a ton of coal come to? To ashes.
What is worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing omnibuses.
Why is an umbrella like a pancake? Because
it is seldom seen after Lent.
On what day of the year do women talk the
least? The shortest day.
What is that which every living person has
seen, but will never see again? Yesterday.
What is the difference between dead soldiers
and repaired garments? The former are dead
men, and the latter are mended (dead).
Why, when you paint a man’s portrait, may
you be described as stepping into his shoes?
Because you make his feet yours (features).
26Why may a beggar wear a very short coat?
Because it will be long enough before he gets
another.
Which is the most valuable, a five-dollar note
or five gold dollars? The note, because when
you put it in your pocket you double it, and
when you take it out again you see it increases.
What is the difference between the Prince of
Wales and the water in a fountain? One is
heir to the throne, the other thrown to the air.
Why is a pretty young lady like a wagon
wheel? Because she is surrounded by felloes
(fellows).
When is it dangerous to enter a church?
When there is a canon in the reading-desk, a
great gun in the pulpit, and a bishop charges
the congregation.
What is the difference between form and ceremony?
You sit upon one and stand on the
other.
What is the most awkward time for a train
to start? 12.50, as it’s ten to one if you catch
it.
Why can negroes be safely trusted with
secrets? Because they are sure to keep dark.
Why is a camel a very pugnacious animal?
Because he always has his back up.
27Why are doctors bad characters? Because
the worse people are the more they are with
them.
Why did Lady Wellesley do a very unladylike
thing when she married the late Lord Ragland
Somerset? Because she turned a Somerset.
Why can the world be compared to music?
Because it is so full of sharps and flats.
Why does a goose go into the water? For
diver’s reasons.
Why does a goose come out of the water?
For sun-dry reasons.
Why is a stick of candy like a race-horse?
Because the more you lick it the faster it goes.
Why is a naughty school-boy like a postage-stamp?
Because you lick him with a stick and
stand him in the corner.
Why is I the luckiest of all the vowels? Because
it is in the centre of bliss, while E is in
hell and all the others are in purgatory.
What is the longest word in the English
language? Smiles, because there is a mile between
the first and last letter.
Why have chickens no fear of a future state?
Because they have their next world (necks
twirled) in this.
28Why cannot a deaf man be legally convicted?
Because it is unlawful to condemn a man without
a hearing.
Why is a man who beats his wife like a thorough-bred
horse? Because he’s a perfect
brute.
What is that which you can keep after giving
to some one else? Your word.
Why are teeth like verbs? Because they are
regular, irregular, and defective.
Why is Queen Victoria like a hat? Because
they both have crowns.
Why is a plum-pudding like the ocean? Because
it contains many currants.
Who may marry many a wife and still be
single all his life? A clergyman.
Why is Athens like a worn-out shoe? Because
it once had a Solon (sole on).
Why are washerwomen great travelers? Because
they are continually crossing the line and
running from pole to pole.
What part of a fish is like the end of a book?
The fin-is.
What is a common miracle in Ireland? Waking
the dead.
29Why are bachelors bad grammarians? Because
when asked to conjugate they invariably
decline.
When could the British Empire be purchased
for the lowest sum? When Richard the Third
offered his kingdom for a horse.
What is the largest room in the world? The
room for improvement.
Why is a street-car like the heart of a coquette?
Because there is always room for one
more to be taken in.
When may a man be said to breakfast before
he gets up? When he takes a roll in bed.
Why are dealers in glassware unlike all other
dealers? Because it won’t do for them to crack
up their goods.
What is it that a gentleman has not, never
can have, and yet can give to a lady? A husband.
Why is a man just imprisoned like a boat
full of water? Because he requires bailing
out.
When does a ship tell a falsehood? When
she lies at the wharf.
When is a theatrical manager like an astronomer?
When he discovers a new star.
30What is the difference between a mother and
a barber? The latter has razors to shave and
the former has shavers to raise.
Why are pianos noble characters? Because
they are grand, upright, and square.
What are they which, though always drunk,
are never intoxicated? Toasts.
When is a fowl’s neck like a bell? When
it’s rung for dinner.
Why is a crow the bravest bird in the world?
Because it never shows the white feather.
Why is a vote in Congress like a bad cold?
Because sometimes the ayes (eyes) have it, and
sometimes the noes (nose).
Why are some girls like old muskets? Because
they use a good deal of powder, but won’t
go off.
What kind of medicine does a man take for
a scolding wife? He takes an elixir (an’ he
licks her).
Why is a dirty man like flannel? Because
he shrinks from washing.
What is the difference between a young
maiden of sixteen and an old maid of sixty?
One is happy and careless, and the other is
cappy and hairless.
31Why is a pair of skates like an apple? Because
they have both occasioned the fall of
man.
What is most like a hen stealing? A cock-robin.
If Old Nick were to lose his tail, where would
he go to get another? To a grog-shop, because
bad spirits are retailed there.
Why is a young man engaged to a young
lady like a man sailing for a port in France?
Because he is bound to Havre (have her).
Why is the opening of a new dry-goods store
like a house on fire? Because it starts all the
bells (belles) in the city.
Why would it be impossible to starve in the
desert of Sahara? Because of the sand which
is (sandwiches) there.
How did the sandwiches get there? When
Ham was sent there with his followers, who
were bred (bread) and mustered (mustard).
If a tough beefsteak could speak, what English
poet would it mention? Chaucer (chaw,
sir).
Why can you never expect a fisherman to be
generous? Because his business makes him
sell fish.
32When is a bonnet not a bonnet? When it
becomes a pretty woman.
Why are young ladies bad grammarians?
Because so few can decline matrimony.
Why can a blind man always see his father?
Because the father is always apparent (a
parent).
What does Washington, D. C., stand for?
Washington, daddy of his country.
Why was a defeated candidate after the late
election, like the earth? Because he was flattened
at the poles.
When was beef the highest? When the cow
jumped over the moon.
What ailment is the oak most subject to?
A corn (acorn).
Why does a horse eat in a very odd way?
Because he eats best when he has not a bit in
his mouth.
What is the only organ without stops? A
woman’s organ of speech.
Give an Irishman’s definition of a lake. A
hole in the tay-kettle.
Why is man superior to woman? Because
woman is only a side issue.
33Why is a lady when sick at sea like some
of our literary men? Because she is a contributor
to the Atlantic.
Why is a scolding wife like a thing of beauty?
“Because she is a joy (jaw) forever.”
What is the proper length for a young lady
to wear her dress? A little above two feet.
Why is a man who never bets as bad as a
gambler? Because he is no bettor (better).
When is a cigar like dried beef? When it
is smoked.
What table has no legs to stand upon? The
multiplication table.
How do young ladies sometimes show their
dislike to mustaches? By setting their faces
against them.
Why are there three objections to taking a
glass of brandy? Because there are three scruples
to a dram.
Why is the root of the tongue like a dejected
man? Because it’s down in the mouth.
What is that which we often return, but never
borrow? Thanks.
What animals are always seen at funerals?
Black kids.
34What is the difference between a French
pastry cook and a bill sticker? One puffs up
paste, the other pastes up puffs.
Why is it vulgar to sing and play by yourself?
Because it’s so low (solo).
Why is a dog biting his tail like a good
manager? Because he makes both ends meet.
Why is a watch-dog larger by night than by
day? Because at night he is let out, and in
the day he is taken in.
Why did the Highlanders do most execution
at Waterloo? Because every man had one kilt
before the battle.
At what game do the waves of the sea play?
At pitch and toss.
Why are fowls the most economical things a
farmer can keep? Because for every grain they
give a peck.
What is the difference between a pitcher of
water and a man throwing his wife over a
bridge? One is water in the pitcher, the other
is pitch her in the water.
When is a young lady not a young lady?
When she’s a sweet tart (sweetheart).
What confection did they have in the ark?
Preserved pairs (pears).
35Why should architects make excellent actors?
Because they are good at drawing houses.
What weapon does a young man use if he
kisses a young lady by mistake? A blunderbuss.
What is the difference between an auction
and seasickness? One is a sale of effects, the
other the effects of a sail.
What should a clergyman preach about?
About a half of an hour.
Why is an orange like a church steeple? Because
we have a peel from it.
What kind of a cat do we usually find in a
large library? A cat alogue.
What sea would a man like to be in on a wet
day? Adriatic (a dry attic).
Why was the French Empress always in bad
company? Because she was always surrounded
by Paris-ites.
When was Napoleon First most shabbily
dressed? When out at Elba (elbow).
When was wit a father? When a pun became
apparent (a parent).
What grows the less tired the more it works?
A carriage wheel.
36Why is the Louvre the cheapest palace ever
erected? Because it was partly built for one
sovereign, and finished for another.
What is the difference between a cradle and
the grave? The one is for the first-born, the
other for the last bourne.
How is an elephant’s head different from
every other head? Because, if you cut his
head off from his body, you don’t take it from
the trunk.
Why does a stingy German like mutton better
than venison? Because he prefers “zat vich
is sheep to zat vich is deer.”
Which is the most wonderful animal in the
farmyard? A pig, because he is killed and
then cured.
Why is a poor conundrum like a monkey?
Because it was far-fetched and full of nonsense.
If a tree were to break a window, what would
the window say? Tre-mend-us.
What trees has fire no effect upon? Ashes,
as when burned, they’re ashes still.
What did Jack Frost say when he kissed the
violet? Wilt thou, and it wilted.
When is a large river good for the eyes?
When it’s eye (high) water.
37What is the difference between a cloud and
a whipped child? One pours with rain, the
other roars with pain.
What musical instrument invites you to fish?
Cast-a net.
What river is that which runs between two
seas? The Thames, which runs between Chel-sea
and Batter-sea.
What is the difference between a fisherman
and a lazy schoolboy? One baits his hook,
the other hates his book.
What is that which you break by even naming
it? Silence.
When has a man four hands? When he
doubles his fists.
What is the most difficult river on which to
get a boat? Arno, because they’re Arno boats
there.
What is the smallest bridge in the world?
The bridge of your nose.
What is the difference between a spendthrift
and a pillow? One is hard up, the other is
soft down.
What is the difference between a hen and an
idle musician? One lays at pleasure the other
plays at leisure.
38Why are deaf people like India shawls? Because
you can’t make them here (hear).
Why are book-keepers like chickens? Because
they have to scratch for a living.
What wind would a hungry sailor be apt to
wish for? One that blows fowl and chops
about.
What tongue is it that frequently hurts and
grieves you, and yet does not speak a word?
The tongue of your shoe.
Why is scraping out a turnip a noisy proceeding?
Because it makes it hollow.
What is that from which you may take away
the whole and still have some left? The word
wholesome.
When is a newspaper the sharpest? When
it is filed.
Why is English grammar like gout? Because
it’s torture (taught yer).
Give a good definition of a button. A small
affair that is always coming off.
What is the greatest feat, in the eating way,
ever known? That recorded of a man who
commenced by bolting a door, after which he
threw up a window, and then sat down and
swallowed a whole story.
39What is the difference between a choir master
and a lady’s dress? The one trains a
choir, the other acquires a train.
Why has a great gymnast very wonderful
digestion? Because he lives on ropes and poles
and thrives.
What is a singular and melancholy fact in
the history of Milton? That he could recite
his poems but could not resight himself.
Why is Canada like courtship? Because it
borders on the United States.
What is the difference between a farmer and
a seamstress? One gathers what he sows, the
other sews what she gathers.
What is the difference between a cow and an
old chair? One gives milk, the other gives
way (whey).
Why is a washerwoman like Saturday? Because
she brings in the clothes (close) of the
week.
Why is an actress like an angel? Because
we seldom see one that is not painted.
At what time by the clock is a pun most
effective? When it strikes one.
What is that which never asks any questions,
but requires so many answers? The door-bell.
40What kind of a book do some men wish their
wives might resemble? An almanac, for then
they could have a new one every year.
Why does the conductor cut a hole in your
railroad ticket? To let you pass through.
Why is an old coat like iron? Because it is
a specimen of hardware (wear).
Why is a list of celebrated musical composers
like a sauce-pan? Because it is incomplete
without a Handel.
In what key should a man propose to his
sweetheart? Be mine, ah (B minor).
When a church is burning, what is the only
part that stands no chance at all of being saved?
The organ, because the engine can’t play
upon it.
Why is the Fourth of July like an oyster?
Because we cannot enjoy it without crackers.
When is a newspaper like a delicate child?
When it appears weekly.
If all the seas were dried up, what would old
Neptune say? I really haven’t an ocean (a
notion).
Why is the letter A like twelve o’clock? Because
it comes in the middle of day.
41Why is a false friend like the letter P? Because,
although always first in pity, he is
always last in help.
What is that which occurs twice in a moment
and not once in a thousand years? The
letter M.
Why are butchers thieves? Because they
steal a knife and cut away with it.
Why should a man troubled with the gout
make his will? Because he will then have his
leg at ease (legatees).
Why is a mirror like a very ungrateful
friend? Because, although you may load his
back with silver, he will reflect on you.
What is the difference between some women
and their looking-glasses? The former talk
without reflecting, the latter reflect without
talking.
Which is the hardest of all soaps? Cast
steel (Castile).
On what supposition could pocket handkerchiefs
build a house? If they became brick
(be cambric).
Why is a true and faithful friend like garden
seeds? Because you never know the value of
either until they are put under ground.
42When does a man always have brown hands?
When he’s tand’em driving.
What is that which is seen twice in “every
day” and four times in “every week,” yet
only once in a year? The vowel e.
Which are the only two words in the English
language where the five vowels follow in successive
order? Facetious and abstemious.
What word is there of eight letters which has
five of them the same? Oroonoko.
What words may be pronounced quicker and
shorter by adding another syllable to them?
Quick and short.
What word composed of five letters can you
take the first two letters from and have one
remain? Stone.
Which word in the English language contains
the greatest number of letters? Disproportionableness.
What relation is a child to its own father
when it is not its own father’s son? A daughter.
What is the difference between the milky
way and a room full of great-grandfathers?
One is a lot of pale stars, the other a lot of stale
pas.
43What was it a blind man took at breakfast
which restored his sight? He took a cup and
saw, sir (saucer).
Why are pipes all humbug? Because the
best of them are all meer-shams.
Why is a meerschaum like a water-color
artist? Because it draws and colors beautifully.
If you saw a dude riding on a donkey, what
fruit would you be reminded of? A pair.
What is that which a cat has, but no other
animal? Kittens.
What are the features of a canon? Cannon-mouth,
cannon-ize, and cannon-eers.
Show that twice ten is equal to twice eleven.
Twice ten is twenty, and twice eleven is
twenty-two (twenty, too).
What word of six letters contains six words
besides itself, without transposing a letter?
Herein—he, her, here, ere, rein, in.
When is a teapot like a kitten? When
you’re teasin’ it (tea’s in it).
Why is a portrait like a member of Congress?
Because it is a representative.
Why is a madman like two men? Because
he is a man beside himself.
44Who was the first whistler, and what tune
did he whistle? The wind—“Over the Hills
and Far Away.”
Why is an unbound book like a person in
bed? Because it is in sheets.
Why is a drawn tooth like a thing that is
forgotten? Because it is out of the head.
What is the difference between a glass of
water and a glass of whiskey? Ten cents.
Why is a paper like a beggar? Because it
is composed of rags.
Why is a good cabbage the most amiable of
vegetables? Because it is all heart.
Why is an intoxicated man like a noun adjective?
Because he seldom stands alone.
Why is a clergyman’s horse like a king?
Because he is guided by a minister.
Why is a man in a garret committing murder
like a good man? Because he is above
committing a bad action.
Why was the Parliament of the Commonwealth
like Samson? Because it overthrew a
house of lords.
Why is an avaricious man like one with a
short memory? He is always for getting.
45What is that which lives in winter, dies in
summer, and grows with its root upward? An
icicle.
Why is a blacksmith’s apron like a convent?
Because it keeps off the sparks.
Why is a lady when embraced like a pocket-book?
Because she is clasped.
Why is a wick of a candle like Athens?
Because it is in Greece (grease).
Why is a fender like Westminister Abbey?
Because it contains the ashes of the grate
(great).
Why is a handsome woman like bread?
Because she is often toasted.
What is that which a coach cannot move
without, and yet is not of the least use to it?
Noise.
What does a stone become when in the
water? A whetstone (wet stone).
When is a very angry man like a clock fifty-nine
minutes past twelve? When he is just
going to strike one.
If you were obliged to swallow a man, what
kind of a one would you prefer to swallow? A
little Dublin porter.
46What question is that to which you must
always answer “yes”? What does y-e-s spell?
What four letters of the alphabet would
frighten a thief? O I C U (oh! I see you).
Why must a magistrate be cold and chilly?
Because he is just ice (justice).
What is the difference between a new five-cent
piece and an old fashioned quarter?
Twenty cents.
Why does a man go into the law, remain in
the law, and go out of the law? He goes into
the law to get on, he remains in the law to get
oner, he retires from the law to get onest.
What is the cheapest way to buy a fiddle?
Buy a little medicine and get a vial in.
Speak only two letters and thus name the
destiny of all earthly things? D. K.
Why was Robinson Crusoe not alone on the
desert island? Because there was a heavy
swell on the beach and a sandy cove running
up the shore.
Why is a buckwheat-cake like a caterpillar?
Because it makes the butter-fly.
What is that which has neither flesh nor
bone, yet has four fingers and a thumb? A
glove.
47Barnum drove a ten-in-hand through New
York city, and his horses had only twenty-four
feet among them; how was that? They had
twenty fore feet.
What trade does the sun follow in the month
of May? Mason (May sun).
Of what trade are all the Presidents of the
United States? Cabinet-makers.
Of what trade is a minister at a wedding?
A joiner.
Of what occupation is a manager of a
theatre? A stage-driver.
What miss is that whose company no one
ever wants? Mis-fortune.
What misses are those whose days are always
unlucky? Mis-chance and mis-hap.
What miss is always making blunders? Mis-take.
What misses are of a very jealous temper?
Mis-give and mis-trust.
When is it no misfortune for a young lady to
lose her good name? When a young man gives
her a better one.
When does a dentist do the most work?
When he extracts several acres (achers).
48Why is an umbrella a paradox? Because it
is best when used up.
What happens when a light falls into the
water at an angle of forty-five degrees? It
goes out.
What great surgical operation does the manufacturing
of maple-sugar remind you of? Tree
panning.
In what way do women ruin their husbands?
In buy-ways.
Why has the shoemaker wonderful powers
of endurance? Because he holds on to the
last.
What part of the face resembles a schoolmaster?
The eyelid, because it always has a
pupil under the lash.
Why is it that you and I must never dine
together? Because U can never come until
after I.
What profession is a postman? He is a man
of letters.
At what time of life may a man be said to
belong to the vegetable kingdom? When long
experience has made him sage.
Which is the gayest letter in the alphabet?
U, because it is always in fun.
49Which are the lightest men, Scotch, Irish,
or Englishmen? Englishmen. In Scotland
there are men of Ayr; in Ireland men of Cork,
but in England are lightermen.
When is a boat like a heap of snow? When
it is adrift.
What ’bus has found room for the greatest
number of people? Columbus.
Which is heavier, a half or a full moon?
The half, because the full moon is as light
again.
What tree is of the greatest importance in
history? The date.
When is a man like a frozen rain? When he
is hail (hale).
When is a lady’s arm not a lady’s arm?
When it is a little bare (bear).
Why is a short negro like a white man?
Because he is not a tall black.
Why is a very discontented man easily satisfied?
Because nothing satisfies him.
Why are ripe potatoes in the ground like
thieves? Because they ought to be taken up.
Why is the north pole like an illicit whisky
manufactory? Because it is a secret still.
50Why are bells the most obedient of inanimate
things? Because they make a noise
whenever they are told.
Why is it unjust to blame coachmen for
cheating us? Because we call them to take us
in.
What is the difference between a cat and a
comma? A cat has its claws at the end of its
paws, a comma its pause at the end of a clause.
Why are the makers of the Armstrong guns
the greatest thieves in her Majesty’s service?
Because they rifle all the guns, forge the
materials, and steel all the gun breeches.
How may book-keeping be taught in a lesson
of three words? Never lend them.
Why is a blush an anomaly? Because a
woman who blushes is admitted for her cheek.
Why are Whigs and wigs alike? Because
they both profess an attachment to the crown.
What trade is like the sun? A tanner’s.
What is an extra dry subject? A mummy.
What is a counter-irritant? A fashionable
woman shopping.
Why are hogs like trees? Because they root
for a living.
51Why is the moon like a marriage contract?
Because it governs the tide.
Why do girls kiss each other and men not?
Because girls have nothing better to kiss, and
men have.
What did the muffin say to the toasting-fork?
You’re too pointed.
What composer is most noted of modern
times? Chloroform.
What is better than to give credit to whom
it is due? Give the cash.
Which musical instrument is the most moral?
An upright piano.
What is the difference between a dog’s tail
and a rich man? One keeps a wagging and
the other keeps a carriage.
How did Henry the Eighth differ as a suiter
from other men? He married his wives and
axed them afterward.
Why does a man’s hair generally turn gray
sooner than his mustache? Because it is
about twenty-one years older.
When did George Washington first take a
carriage? When he took a hack at the cherry-tree.
52What is the political character of a water-wheel?
Revolutionary.
Why is a solar eclipse like a mother beating
her boy? Because it is a hiding of the
son.
How can a man make his money go a long
way? By contributing to foreign missions.
Why is a person reading these conundrums
like a man condemned to undergo a military
execution? Because he is pretty sure to be
riddled to death.
Where can one always find pleasure and happiness?
In the dictionary.
During the month of heavy showers, how
has the umbrella been persistently bluffing the
game? It has been “put up or shut up” with
it all the while.
When does a man impose on himself? When
he taxes his memory.
Why is a young man visiting his sweetheart
like the growth of a successful newspaper?
His visits commenced on a weekly, grew to be
tri-weekly, and then become daily, with a
Sunday supplement.
53When is money damp? When it is due in
the morning and missed at night.
What killed Julius Cæsar? Roman punches.
How does the postage-stamp have the advantage
of the small boy? It can never be
licked but once.
Why were the brokers in the panic of 1873
like Pharaoh’s daughter? They saved a little
prophet from the rushes on the banks.
Why is an alligator the most deceitful of
animals? Because he takes you in with an
open countenance.
Why are chemists and alchemists both of
the feminine gender? Because one is an analyzer
(Ann Eliza), the other a charlatan (Charlotte
Ann).
How do we know that Noah had a pig in
the Ark? Because he had Ham.
My first is used in driving, my second is
needy, my third is a nickname, and my whole is
a bird. Whip-poor-will.
Why is sympathy like blind man’s buff?
Because it is a fellow feeling for a fellow mortal.
54Why does the air seem fresher in winter than
it does in summer? Because it’s kept on ice
most of the time.
Why are fish well educated? They have a
taste for going in schools.
What is the difference between one yard and
two yards? A fence.
Why is the letter S like thunder? It makes
our cream sour cream.
Which is the easier way to commit suicide,
by taking laudanum or drowning? Ether
(either) is good.
Why is Buckingham Palace the cheapest
piece of property in England? Because it was
bought for a crown and kept up by a sovereign.
What is the difference between a light in a
cave and a dance in an inn? One is a taper in
a cavern, the other a caper in a tavern.
Why are records brittle things? Because
they cannot be lowered without breaking.
What is the difference between forms and
ceremonies? You sit upon one and stand on
the other.
Why is a door in the potential mood? It’s
would (wood) or should be.
55What is the difference between a man going
up stairs and one looking up? One is stepping
up the stairs, the other staring up the steps.
Why are birds melancholy in the morning?
Because their little bills are all over due.
What is there remarkable about a yard-stick?
Though it has no head or tail, it has a foot at
each end and one in the middle.
If a man shot at two frogs and killed one,
what would the other one do? Croak.
What makes the waves so wild? It is having
the wind blow them up.
Why are apples like printer’s types? Because
they are often in pi(e).
My first denotes equality, my second, inferiority,
and my whole superiority. Matchless.
Why are fatigued persons like a wagon
wheel? Because they are always tired.
Why is a tin can tied to a dog’s tail like
death? Because it’s bound to a cur (occur).
Why is a widow like a gardener? Because
she tries to get rid of her weeds.
Why are young ladies bad grammarians?
Because so few can decline matrimony.
56Why are potatoes and corn like certain sinners
of old? Because, having eyes, they see
not, and having ears they hear not.
Why are blind persons compassionate? Because
they feel for other persons.
Why are cowardly soldiers like tallow candles?
Because when exposed to the fire they
run.
Why is Satan always a gentleman? Because,
being the imp of darkness he can never
be imp-o’-light.
How much earth is in a hole 3¼ × 6½ ft.?
None.
Why is a pretty girl like a locomotive? Because
she sends off the sparks, transports the
mails, and has a train following her.
What is the cheapest feature of the face?
Nostrils, two for a scent (cent).
Why are stout gentlemen prone to melancholy?
Because they are men of size (sighs).
When does the rain become too familiar to a
lady? When it begins to pat-her (patter) on
the back.
What relation is a door mat to a door step?
A step farther.
57Why is a baker like some very disreputable
people? Because he’s a loafer and a white-cap.
How many of your relatives live on your
property? Ten-aunts (tenants).
What is the difference between a dime dated
1899 and a new dollar? Ninety cents.
Why is a beehive like a spectator? Because
it is a beeholder (beholder).
What are the most unsociable things in the
world? Mile-stones, for you never see two of
them together.
When does a regiment undergo an operation?
When deprived of its arms.
What is the greatest eyesore in a farm yard?
A pig-sty.
What is the difference between the manner
of the death of a barber and a sculptor? One
curls up and dies and the other makes faces
and busts.
Why may carpenters reasonably believe
there is no such thing as stone? Because they
never saw it.
What is majesty deprived of its externals?
(M) a jest (Y).
58Why is a good speller of a spelling match
like a glass of champagne? Because they both
go to the head.
When does a lady think her husband a Hercules?
When fond of his club.
Why is it that a fisherman cannot tell his
gross profits? Because they are always net.
What will make pies inquisitive? S will
make spies of them.
Why is an empty purse expressive of constancy?
Because you find no change in it.
When can donkey be spelt with one letter?
When it’s “U.”
Why is a tennis player like a society youth
of limited means? He is obliged to miss the
ball when it comes high.
Why is an Irishman trying to kiss a pretty
girl like a man going up Mt. Vesuvius? Because
he is trying to get at the mouth of the
crater.
Why should a housekeeper never put the
letter M into her refrigerator? Because it will
change ice into mice.
What’s the difference between Shakespeare
and Queen Elizabeth? He was a wonder, and
she was a Tudor.
59Why is the letter R indispensable to friendship?
Because without it your friends would
be fiends.
Which are the two most disagreeable letters
if you get too much of them? K N (cayenne).
What is the difference between a funny fellow
and a butcher? One deals out wit, the
other wit-tles.
Why should cocks be the smoothest birds
known? Because they always have a comb
about them.
What insect does a blacksmith manufacture?
He makes the fire-fly.
When is a nose not a nose? When it is a
little radish (reddish).
When are soldiers best able to draw blisters?
When they are mustered in the service.
Why is love like a potato? Because it shoots
from the eyes and gets less by pairing.
Why are young men like telescopes? Because
you can draw them out, see through
them and shut them up again.
Why are cats like unskillful surgeons? Because
they mew-till-late, and destroy patients
(patience).
60What is the difference between a woman and
a parasol? You can shut a parasol up.
Why is Sunday the strongest day in the
week? Because the rest are week days.
Why is a needle one of the most persistent of
forces? It always has an eye open for business,
and invariably carries its point.
When is coffee like the soil? When it is
ground.
Why are soldier’s guns always safe? Because
every one of them has a lock.
When is a man not a man? When he’s a
shaving.
Why is a man who is fond of his cigars like
a tallow candle? Because he will smoke when
he is going out.
When is a schoolmaster like a man with one
eye? When he has a vacancy for a pupil.
Why is it dangerous to take a nap in a train?
Because the cars invariably run over sleepers.
What instrument of war does an angry lover
resemble? A cross bow.
My first is a vehicle, my second is a preposition,
and my whole is part of a ship. Cab-in.
61What grows bigger the more you contract
it? Debt.
What tricks are most common among New
York policemen? Patricks.
Why is Asia like a market in Thanksgiving
or Christmas week? There is always a Turkey
in it.
Why will an insolent fishmonger get more
business than a civil one? Because when he
sells fish, he gives sauce with it.
Why does a fat man, when squeezed, compliment
the ladies? Because the pressure makes
him flatter.
Why is an old man like a window? He is
full of pains (panes).
What’s the difference between photographing
and the whooping cough? One makes fac similes,
the other makes sick families.
What is smaller than a mite’s mouth? That
which goes into a mite’s mouth.
What is it that is a cat and not a cat, and yet
is a cat? A kitten.
Why was the dumb waiter returned? Because
it didn’t answer.
62Born at the same time as the world, destined
to live as long as the world, and yet never five
weeks old. The moon.
Why are clouds like coachmen? Because
they hold the rains (reins).
My first is a game, my second is what we
use our eyes for, my whole is a State of
America. Tennes see.
Why should a favorite hen be called Macduff?
Because we wish her to lay on.
Why is the letter G like the sun? It is the
centre of light.
Why are pretty girls like fire-works? Because
they soon go off.
Why is coal the most contradictory article
known to commerce? Because when purchased,
instead of going to the buyer it goes to
the cel-lar.
Why would it be hard on ministers to preach
without notes? Because their families would
suffer without the greenbacks.
In what sort of syllables should a parrot be
taught to speak? In polly silly-bills.
My first is a pronoun, my second is used at
weddings, and my whole is an inhabitant of
the deep. Her ring.
63What is the difference between a bee-hive and
a bad potato? None. One is a bee-holder; a
bee-holder is a speck’d ’tatur, and a speck’d
’tatur is a bad potato.
What cannot be called a disinterested act of
hospitality? Entertaining a hope.
Why is a school-boy being flogged, like your
eye? Because he’s a pupil under the lash.
When may an ocean liner be said to be foolishly
in love? When attached to a boy (buoy.)
My first is formal, my second is a flower,
and my whole is a flower. Prim-rose.
Why is a woman’s beauty like a bank note?
Because when once changed it soon goes.
What is the difference between a tube and a
foolish Dutchman? One is a hollow cylinder
and the other a silly Hollander.
What fruit is the most visionary? The apple
of the eye.
What is that which goes from Boston to
Providence without once moving? The railroad.
What notes compose the most favorite tunes,
and how many tunes do they compose? Bank
notes, they make (four) for-tunes.
64Why are ladies’ eyes like persons remote
from one another? Because, although they
may correspond, they never meet.
Why don’t Sweden have to send abroad for
cattle? Because she keeps her Stock-holm.
Without my first my second could never have
existed, and my whole is as old as creation.
Sun-day.
When is a gun like a dismissed servant?
When it is discharged and goes off.
What is everything doing at the same time?
Growing older.
What should you do if you split your sides
with laughter? Run till I got a stitch in them.
What is the difference between a young girl
and an old hat? Merely a difference of time—one
has feeling and the other has felt.
What herb is most injurious to a lady’s
beauty? Thyme.
Why is an aristocratic seminary for young
ladies like a flower garden? Because it is a
place of haughty culture (horticulture).
What is the difference between a clock and a
partnership? When a clock is wound up it
goes; when a firm is wound up it stops.
65How do you know when night is nigh?
When the t (tea) is taken away.
Why are some women like facts? Because
they are stubborn things.
If a dog should lose his tail where would he
get another? At Wanamaker’s, where everything
is retailed.
Why is a person with his eyes closed like a
defective schoolmaster? He keeps his pupils
in darkness.
Why is early grass like a penknife? Because
the springs bring out the blades.
Why is an old man’s farm in Texas like the
focus of a sun glass? It’s a place where the
sons raise meat (sun’s rays meet).
Why is a real estate man not a man of
words? Because he is a man of deeds.
Why is the isthmus of Suez like the first u
in cucumber? Because it’s between two seas.
What did Ruth do to offend Boaz? She
pulled his ears and trod on his corn.
Why are some singers like cheese curds?
Because they require to be pressed.
Why ought meat to be only half cooked?
Because what’s done cannot be helped.
66Why is a woman like the telegraph? Because
she is always in advance of the mail
intelligence.
What article that we wear is most affectionate?
A porous plaster, because it becomes
very much attached to us.
Why is a pawnbroker like a drunkard? Because
he takes the pledge but cannot always
keep it.
Who does the Bible say may carry on a flirtation?
It says widow’s mite (might).
Why are respectable hotels like the elysium
of the gods? Because no bad spirits are permitted
to enter them.
Why is grass like a mouse? Because the
cat’ll eat it (cattle eat it).
Why are convicts like old maids going to be
married? Because they go off in transports.
How do we know the fair queen of day has
a lover? She is always followed by a night
(knight).
Why are the Irish poor like a carpet? Because
they are kept down by tax (tacks).
Why is the world like a slate? Because the
children of men do multiply thereon.
67Why is a defeated army like wool? Because
its worsted.
What is the centre of gravity? The letter V.
What three letters turn a girl into a woman?
A-g-e.
Although great wealth is said to harden the
heart, what is every millionaire sure to be? A
capital fellow.
What belongs to yourself, and is used by
your friends more than by yourself? Your
name.
When is a soldier like an old toper? When
he re-treats.
Why is a policeman like a rainbow? Because
he rarely appears until the storm is over.
What is the difference between a milkmaid
and a swallow? The milkmaid skims the
milk, the swallow skims the water.
Why is a man’s face shaved in January like
a celebrated fur? Because it’s a chin-chilly.
What is that which was born without a soul,
lived and got a soul, but died without a soul?
The whale that swallowed Jonah.
What is the difference between a Roman
Catholic priest and a Baptist? One uses wax
candles—the other dips.
68When is a doctor most annoyed? When he
is out of patients.
Why is a poor acquaintance better than a
rich one? A friend in need is a friend indeed.
What is there remarkable about a bee?
Why, ordinarily it has but little to say, yet
generally carries its point.
Why is the first chicken of a brood like the
mainmast of a ship? Because it’s a little
ahead of the main hatch.
How many persons can a deaf and dumb man
tickle? He can ges-tickle-eight (gesticulate).
What is the easiest way to keep water out of
the house? Omit to pay your water tax.
What is it that is queer about flowers? They
shoot before they have pistils.
What is the best form for a soldier? Uniform.
What is the best uniform for a soldier?
Right dress.
When does a dog become larger and smaller?
When let out at night, and taken in in the
morning.
What prescription is best for a poet? A
composing draught.
69Why does a bay horse never pay toll? Because
his master pays it for him.
Why is the letter S like a pert repartee? Because
it begins and ends in sauciness.
What is the best way to keep a man’s love?
Not to return it.
When is a soldier a wagon maker? When
he makes a wheel.
Why is beef suitable for a Christmas dinner?
Meet for rejoicing.
How was Admiral Dewey’s naval rank reduced
when he got married? He became Mrs.
Dewey’s second mate.
Why is a little dog’s tail like the heart of a
tree? Because it’s farthest from the bark.
Why are actresses like pipes? They are
mere-shams.
What workman never turns to the left? A
wheelwright.
Why does a freight car need no locomotive?
The freight makes the car-go.
When are weeds not weeds? When they become
widows.
What is better than presence of mind in a
railroad accident? Absence of body.
70Why is a balloonist greatly to be envied?
Because he rises rapidly in the world and has
excellent prospects.
What letter in the alphabet is most useful to
a deaf old woman? The letter A, because it
makes her hear.
What is the color of a grass plot covered with
snow? Invisible green.
How does water get into the watermelon?
The seed is planted in the spring.
Why is a man in front of a crowd well supported?
Because he has the press at his back.
What subject can be made light of? Gas.
If Dick’s father be John’s son, what relation
is Dick to John? His grandson.
When is a silver cup most likely to run?
When it’s chased.
When may a man’s pocket be empty and yet
have something in it? When it has a hole in
it.
Why is an engraver fearless of drowning?
Because he is accustomed to die sinking.
Why are quinine and gentian like the Germans?
Because they are two tonics (teutonics).
71Why should the proof-reader of a printing
establishment be considered the best read man
going? Because there’s proof that he reads
every hour of the day.
When is butter like Irish children? When
it is made into little pats.
If all the money in the world was divided
equally among the people what would each
one get? An equal share.
What are the most difficult ships to conquer?
Hard-ships.
Why don’t foreign noblemen marry poor
American girls as well as rich ones? A poor
girl has no principal, hence no interest, and without
either she cannot bank account (a count).
Why does a dressmaker never lose her
hooks? Because she has an eye to each of
them.
Why is a wedding ring like eternity? Because
it has neither beginning nor end.
What did the blind man say to the policeman
when he told him he would arrest him if
he did not move on? I’d just like to see you.
What is the difference between a drinker and
a smoker? One is a Bacchanalian and the
other a tobacconalian.
72When Homer called the sea barren, why did
it illustrate the age in which he lived? Because
it was before Cecrops (sea crops).
What is the difference between a cow and an
old chair? One gives milk, the other gives
way (whey).
Why should Pope Leo XIII be a very unlucky
man? Because he is always the thirteenth
at table.
What is the difference between a life of leisure
and a life of idleness? They are the same
thing, only different titles.
What word of one syllable, if you take two
letters from it, becomes a word of two syllables?
Plague; ague.
A crown which was the pride of ancient
Rome: whichever way it is read, it is the same.
Civic.
What lesson of life can the small boy learn
from the fire engine? It must work or it can’t
play.
Why is a young lady like a sheaf of
wheat? First she is cradled, then thrashed,
and finally she becomes the flour of the family.
Who is it that always has a number of movements
on foot for making money? A dancing
master.
73In what respect does a piano lamp resemble
a society-club man? It has a good deal of
brass about it, requires much attention, is not
remarkably brilliant, is sometimes unsteady
upon its legs, liable to explode when only half
full, flares up occasionally, it is always out at
bed-time, and is bound to smoke.
How can hunters find their game in the
woods? By listening to the bark of the trees.
Why does a man think of his mother’s slippers
when he handles the lines behind a fine,
well-matched pair of horses? Because they
are such a spanking pair.
What is that which is sometimes with a head,
without a head, with a tail, and without a tail?
A wig.
Why is a committee of inquiry like a cannon?
It makes a report.
What is more wonderful than a horse that
can count? A spelling bee.
Why are tallest people the laziest? Because
they are always longer in bed than others.
Who was the most successful financier mentioned
in the Bible? Noah, because he floated
a limited company when all the rest of the
world was in liquidation.
74What is the difference between the Prince of
Wales and the water in a fountain? One is
heir to the throne, the other thrown to the air.
Why is a college student like a thermometer?
Because he is graduated and marked by degrees.
What bird is low-spirited? The blue-bird.
Why don’t they take fare from policemen on
the trolley cars? Because they can’t get a
nickel out of a copper.
Why is a tournament like sleep? It is a
(k)nightly occupation.
Why is a schoolmaster like the letter C?
He forms lasses into classes.
Why don’t the Boers wash themselves?
Because they are waiting to get a good licking
from the English.
Why is bread like the sun? Because it rises
from the yeast.
When is a chair like a lady’s dress? When
its sat-in.
When is a soldier like a watch? When he
is on guard.
When is a soldier like a king? When he
appears with his pomp-on.
75What object is walking over the water and
under the water, yet does not touch the water?
A woman crossing a bridge over a river with a
pail of water on her head.
Why is love like a canal boat? Because it is
an internal transport.
When does a chair dislike you? When it
can’t bear you.
Why is a duel quickly managed? Because
it takes only two seconds to arrange it.
What burns to keep a secret? Sealing-wax.
Why is a nobleman like a book? Because
he has a title.
What class of women are most apt to give
tone to society? The belles.
What is that which has a mouth but never
speaks, and a bed but never lies in it? A
river.
Why is a defeated army like wool? Because
it is worsted.
What is the difference between the wreck
of a bank and the wreck of a ship? One is
caused by the presence of rocks, the other by
the scarcity of rocks.
76What is that which we all can eat, and often
drink, though it sometimes is a woman and
often a man? We eat toast and drink a toast.
Why would a compliment from a chicken be
an insult? Because it would be foul language.
Why is a cherry like a book? Because it is
red (read).
Why are heavy showers like heavy drinkers?
Because they usually begin with little drops.
What is that by losing an eye has nothing left
but a nose? A noise.
Why is a four-quart jar like a lady’s side-saddle?
Because it holds a gal-on (gallon).
Why is fashionable society like a warming-pan?
Because it is highly polished but very
hollow.
Why are balloons in the air like vagrants?
Because they have no visible means of support.
What islands would form a dainty and cheerful
luncheon for a party? Sandwich and
Madeira.
What must a good surgeon have to be successful?
He must have an eagle’s eye, a lion’s
heart, and a lady’s hand.
77Why is rheumatism like a great eater? Because
it attacks the joints.
If I were in the sun and you were out of it
what would the sun become! Sin.
Why would an owl be offended at your calling
him a pheasant? Because you would be
making game of him.
Why is anthracite coal like true love? Because
it burns with a steady flame.
Why is a very amusing man like a bad
shot? Because he keeps the game alive.
When people are quarreling out of doors,
what should they do? Co-in-side (go inside).
Why is Berlin the most dissipated city in
Europe? Because it is always on the Spree.
Which is the favorite word with women?
The last one.
Why is Father Time like a fashionable young
man? Because he travels by cycles (bicycles).
Luke had it first, Paul had it last; boys
never have it; girls have it but once; Miss
Sullivan had it twice in the same place, but
when she married Pat Murphy she never had
it again? The letter L.
78Why are ladies the biggest thieves in existence?
Because they steel their petticoats, bone
their stays, crib their babies, and hook their
dresses.
Why is a man who makes additions to a
false rumor like one who has confidence in all
that is told to him? Because he re-lies on all
he hears.
When does a farmer double up a sheep without
hurting it? When he folds it.
What did the managing editor say when the
horticultural editor said he had cultivated hothouse
lilac bushes that attained a height of
over fifty feet? I wish I could lilac (lie like)
that.
Why is an apothecary like a wood-cock?
Because he has a long bill.
What is the most engaging work of art? A
fashionable young lady.
Who is the oldest lunatic on record? Time
out of mind.
Why do the recriminations of a married
couple resemble the sound of the waves on the
seashore? Because they are the murmurs of
the tide (tied).
79What bird is rude? The mocking bird.
Why is a lawn mower like the keeper of a
bucket shop? Because it shaves the green.
When may a loaf of bread be said to be inhabited?
When it has a little Indian in it.
Why are ships like fortunes? Because they
are built on stocks.
How does a soldier know when it is time to
fight? When he sees a battle-me(a)nt.
At what age should a man marry? At the
parsonage.
What kind of essence does a young man
like when he pops the question? Acquiescence.
When is a soldier like a horse? When he
draws a load.
Why is it nonsense to pretend that love is
blind? Because you never knew a man in love
that did not see ten times more in his sweetheart
than others did.
Why are fixed stars like wicked old men?
Because they scintillate (sin till-late).
Why is an egg underdone like an egg overdone?
They are both hardly done.
80Why is a man happier with two wives than
with one? He may be happy with one, but
with two he is nearly sure to be transported.
Why is Gibraltar one of the most wonderful
places in the world? Because it’s always on
the rock, but never moves.
Why is it difficult to flirt on mail steamers?
Because all the mails (males) are tied up in
bags.
Why is a comprehensive action an affectionate
one? It embraces everything.
What best describes and most impedes a
Christian Pilgrim’s Progress? A Bunyan
(bunion).
When is a lady’s hair like the latest news?
When it’s in the papers.
Why is a very old umbrella, that has been
lost, as good as new when found? Because
it’s re-covered.
Why is a coachman like the clouds? Because
he holds the reins.
Why does the Salvation Army walk down
Broadway on their heels? To save their soles
(souls).
81Who was the most successful surveyor on
record? Alexander Selkirk, for he was monarch
of all he surveyed.
Who is a man of grit? A sugar refiner.
Why is the letter W like scandal? Because
it makes ill will.
What is one of the rules of war? That it is
death to stop a cannon ball.
Why are photographers the most uncivil of
all tradespeople? Because when we make
application for a copy of our portrait, they
always reply with a negative.
What cord is that which is full of knots,
which no one can untie, and which no one
can tie? A cord of wood.
Which is the oddest fellow, the one who asks
a question or the one who answers? The
one who asks, because he is the querist.
When does the wind most resemble a bookseller?
When it keeps stationary (stationery).
What benefit can be derived from a paper of
pins? It will give you many good points.
Why are authors who treat of physiognomy
like soldiers? Because they write about face.
82I went into the woods and caught it, I sat
down to look for it, and then I went home with
it because I could not find it. A sliver.
Why is a clock the most persevering thing in
creation? Because it is never more inclined to
go on with its business than when it is completely
wound up.
Why is a blind man apt to be an idiot?
The old adage says, out of sight out of mind.
How did the whale that swallowed Jonah
obey the divine law? Jonah was a stranger
and he took him in.
When is a piece of wood like a queen?
When it is made into a ruler.
Why is chicken pie like a gunsmith’s shop?
Because it contains fowl-in pieces.
Why is asparagus like most sermons? Because
it is the end of it that people enjoy most.
What is the fruit of finance? Current coin.
How did Jonah feel when swallowed by a
whale? He was down in the mouth, and went
to blubber.
Why is the polka like bitter beer? There
are so many hops in it.
83Why is your nose in the middle of your
face? Because it is the scenter.
Why is a steam engine at a fire an anomaly?
Because it works and plays at the same time.
Whose best works are most trampled on?
The shoemaker, because good shoes last longer
than bad ones.
When is a boy in a pantry like a poacher?
When he walks into the preserves.
Why are clergymen like brakemen? Because
they do a great deal of coupling.
When may two people be said to be half
witted? When they have an understanding
between them.
Why is a jailer like a musician? Because
he fingers the keys.
Why is a field of grass like a person older
than yourself? Because it’s past-your-age
(pasturage).
Why is it absurd to call a dentist room the
dental parlor? Because it is the drawing
room.
Why should a man never tell his secrets in a
corn field? Because so many ears are there,
and they would be shocked.
84What part of a fish weighs most? The
scales.
When is a soldier like a vehicle? When he
makes a cart-ridge on the road.
Why are printers liable to bad colds? Because
they always use damp sheets.
What fruit does a newly married couple
resemble? A green pear (pair).
Can you tell the best way to make the
hours go fast? Use the spur of the moment.
Why is wit like a Chinese lady’s foot? Because
brevity’s the sole of it.
Why are parliamentary reports called “Blue
Books?” Because they are never re(a)d.
Why is it absurd to ask a pretty girl to be
candid? Because she cannot be plain.
Why is a sheep like a professional gambler?
Because he is brought up on the turf, gambols
in his youth, herds with blacklegs, and is
fleeced at last.
Why is a well-trained horse like a benevolent
man? Because he stops at the sound of wo.
What city is drawn more frequently than
any other? Cork.
85Why is a bookbinder like charity? Because
he often covers a multitude of faults.
Why should an artist never be short of cash?
If he knows his business he can always draw
money.
What do we often catch yet never see?
Passing remarks.
Why are confectioners mercenary lovers?
Because they always sell their kisses.
What is there about a house that seldom
falls, but never hurts the occupant when it
does? The rent.
What three acts comprise the chief business
of a woman’s life? Attract, contract, and
detract.
Why is a prudent man like a pin? Because
his head prevents him from going too far.
Why are some of our officers like a dancing
master’s toes? Because they must be turned
out.
What are the most patient objects in the
shape of humanity? Statues.
Why is necessity like an angry solicitor?
It knows no law.
86If all the letters in the alphabet were on a
mountain, what letter would leave first? D
would begin the descent.
When you listen to a drum why are you a
good judge? Because you hear both sides.
Why is the vowel O the only one sounded?
Because all the others are in audible.
Why is a coward like a leaky barrel? Because
they both run.
If a short man married a widow what will
his friends call him? A widow’s mite.
Who dares sit before the Queen with his hat
on? Her coachman.
Why was “Uncle Tom’s Cabin” not written
by a woman’s hand? Because it was written
by Mrs. Beecher Stowe (Beecher’s toe).
What animal is that from which, if you take
off the tip of its tail you may make a first-rate
Jew? Rabbit (Rabbi).
Why is a lame dog like a school boy adding
six and seven together? Because the dog puts
down three and carries one.
When is a house like a bird? When it has
wings.
87What moral lesson does the weather cock
teach? It is vane to a-spire.
When is a lawyer like a beast of burden?
When drawing a conveyance.
When is a soldier like a watch? When he
is on guard.
What are the embers of the expiring year?
Nov-ember and Dec-ember.
How is a poultry dealer compelled to earn
his living? By foul means.
When was beef tea first introduced into
England? When Henry VIII dissolved the
Pope’s bull.
Why is a butcher’s cart like his top boots?
Because he carries his calves there.
Why does a maltese cat rest better in summer
than in winter? Because summer brings
a caterpillar (cat-a-pillow).
Is there anything a man with a kodak cannot
take? Yes, a hint.
Why do American soldiers never run away?
They belong to a standing army.
Why does tying a slow horse to a post improve
his pace? It makes him fast.
88What is it that a man, no matter how smart
he is, overlooks? His own nose.
What goes most against a farmer’s grain?
His reaper.
Why may we suppose that Noah had beer
in the ark? Because the kangaroo went in
with hops, and the bear was always bruin.
Why should potatoes grow better than other
vegetables? Because they have eyes to see
what they are doing.
A duck before two ducks, a duck behind two
ducks, and a duck between two ducks; how
many ducks were there in all? Three.
What word of ten letters can be spelled with
five? X-p-d-n-c (expediency).
Why should the highest apple on a tree be
the best one? Because it is a tip-top apple.
How many fathers has a man? Nine: his
father, his godfather, his father-in law, his two
grandfathers, and his fore- (four) fathers.
Why would a spider appear to have wings?
Because it often takes a fly.
Why is a railroad exceedingly patriotic?
It is bound to the country with the strongest
ties.
89What is the most wonderful acrobatic feat?
For a man to revolve in his own mind.
Why is chloroform like Mendelssohn? Because
it is the greatest of modern composers.
Do women like to see themselves in print?
No; they prefer silk or satin.
Why are bookkeepers like chickens? Because
they have to scratch for a living.
Who is the man who invariably finds things
dull? The scissors grinder.
Why is the first chicken of a brood like the
mainmast of a ship? Because it’s a little
ahead of the main hatch.
Why is a book your best friend and companion?
Because when it bores you, you can
shut it up without giving offense.
Why is a man in front of a crowd well supported?
Because he has the press at his back.
What sort of men are most above board in
their movements? Chessmen.
Why is playing chess a better occupation
than playing cards? Because you play chess
with two bishops and cards with four knaves.
90When may ladies who are enjoying themselves
be said to look wretched? When at the
opera, as then they are in tiers.
Why should a minister be believed? Because
he is nearly always accurate (a curate).
Why is a mad bull like a man of convivial
disposition? Because he offers a horn to
everybody he meets.
What should be looked into? A mirror.
Why is the map of Turkey in Europe like a
frying pan? Because it has Greece on the
bottom.
I partake alike in your joys, and your sorrows,
and your home would not be home
without me. Letter O.
How many young ladies does it take to reach
from New York to Philadelphia? About one
hundred, because a miss is as good as a mile.
Why should colts avoid exposure? Because
they might take cold and become a little horse
(hoarse).
In what respect is matrimony a game of
cards? Why, a woman has a heart, a man
takes it with a diamond, and after that her
hand is his.
91When is a new dress older than an old one?
When it’s more (moire) antique.
What is the name of the plant most fatal to
mice? Cat-nip.
Why is a poor singer like a counterfeiter?
Because he is an utterer of bad notes.
I am the first, and one of seven,
I live betwixt the seas and heaven;
Look not below, for I am not there,
My home is in the ancient air.
Come to my second, behold how fair
I am, how bright and how debonair;
A pleasant vision and a beauty,
A thing of life and joy and duty;
My youth is changed—I live alone,
My views are crossed—my hopes are gone;
My whole is sorrow, grief and woe,
My singing now is all heigh-ho.
A lass (alas).
What affection do landlords most appreciate?
Parental (pay-rental).
When day breaks, what becomes of the
pieces? They go into mourning (morning).
Why are washerwomen the silliest of women?
Because they put out their tubs to catch soft
water when it rains hard.
92Why is a book like a king? Because it has
many pages.
When are two apples alike? When pared.
When a colored waiter drops a platter of
roast turkey, why does it create a great continental
disaster? Because it is the fall of
Turkey, the overthrow of Greece, the ruin of
Africa, and the breaking up of China.
What time should an inn keeper visit a
foundry? When he wants a bar-maid.
Why was Blackstone like an Irish vegetable?
Because he was a common ’tatur (commentator).
Why is an author the most wonderful man
in the world? Because he is the owner of
many tales and they all come out of his head.
What do you call a boy who eats all the
melons he can get, whether they are green or
old? He is what we call a pains-taking
youngster.
What is an eaves-dropper? The icicle.
What trade is certainly one in which a man
will never make a cent except by sticking at
it? Bill-posting.
93Why is a neglected damsel like a fire that
has gone out? Because she has not a spark
left.
In what place are two heads better than one?
In a barrel.
Why are bells used to call people to church?
Because they have an inspire-ring influence.
What is that which goes up the hill and
down the hill and yet stands still? The road.
What becomes of the chocolate cake when
your only son eats it? It vanishes into the
empty heir (air).
When is coffee like the soil? When it is
ground.
When is a bill like a gun? When it is presented
and discharged.
Why is a windy orator like a whale? Because
he often rises to spout.
Why is a railroad track a particularly sentimental
object? Because it is bound by close
ties.
What is society composed of? A mixture of
mister-ies and miss-eries.
94What is that which increases the more it is
shared by others? Happiness.
What is taken from you before you get it?
Your portrait.
When is a man, like friendship, most easily
tried? When he stands a loan.
What melancholy fact is there about a calendar?
There is no time when its days are
not numbered.
What is the best food for dyspeptic people?
Oysters; because they die-just (digest) before
they are eaten.
Who are the men who have made their
mark? Those who can’t write.
Why is a distanced horse like a man in a
shady place? Because he is out of the heat.
Why are park railings like a lady’s corset?
Because they confine a deer (dear).
Do you know what is the oldest piece of furniture
in the world? The multiplication table.
What is the debt for which you cannot be
sued? The debt of nature.
When are soldiers best able to draw blisters?
When they are mustered in the service.
95Why is the woodsman’s ax an inconsistent
weapon? Because it first cuts a tree down
and then cuts it up.
Why is an inn-keeper like a multitude of
people? Because he is a host himself.
Why is the blush of modesty like a little
girl? Because it becomes a woman.
Why is a bad epigram like a useless pencil?
Because it has no point.
If you see a counterfeit coin on the street
why should you always pick it up? Because
you may be arrested for passing it.
Why is Queen Victoria like a hat? Because
they both have crowns.
Why is love always represented as a child?
Because it never reaches the age of discretion.
What key opens the penitentiary for a dissipated
man? Whis-key.
Why is a pig with a curly continuation like
the ghost of Hamlet’s father? Because he
could a tail unfold.
Why is a plowed field like feathered game?
Because it’s part-ridges.
96When is a dog most like a human being?
When he is between a man and a boy.
How does a boy look if you hurt him? It
makes him yell Oh! (yellow).
Why didn’t the last dove return to the ark?
Because she had sufficient ground for remaining.
Why is there some reason to doubt the existence
of the Giant’s Causeway? There are
so many shamrocks (sham rocks) in Ireland
that this may be one of the reasons.
Why are good husbands like dough? Because
women need them.
Why is a specimen of extra fine handwriting
like a dead pig? Because it is done with the
pen.
When does a man feel girlish? When he
makes his maiden speech.
What is the difference between an honest
and a dishonest laundress? One irons your
linen; the other steals it.
What does a husband do who misses a train
by which he promised his wife to return?
Catches it when he gets home.
97What coat is finished without buttons and
put on wet? A coat of paint.
What is the greatest surgical operation on
record? Lansing, Michigan.
How can you make a tall man short? Borrow
money of him.
Why are fixed stars like pens, ink and
paper? Because they are stationary (stationery).
Why should a person not like to gaze on the
Niagara forever? Because he would always
have a cataract in the eye.
What bridge is warranted to support any
strain? The bridge of a fiddle.
What is that, which though black itself, enlightens
the world? Ink.
Why is it dangerous to go in the woods in
spring? Because the bullrush is out, the cowslips
around, the grasses have blades, the
flowers have pistils, and the little twigs are
shooting.
Why are laws like the ocean? The most
trouble is caused by the breakers.
Why is the Mississippi the most eloquent of
rivers? Because it has a dozen mouths.
98Why is the fly the best one among the
grocers’ customers? Because, when he comes
for sugar, he settles on the spot.
Why does an aeronaut dislike to speak
about his trips? It is generally a soar point
with him.
Why is a Chinaman never perplexed? Because
no matter where he finds himself he
always has his cue.
What is the most popular paper at the summer
resorts? Fly-paper.
In law courts what relation are the judges,
sergeants and counsellors to each other? They
are brothers—brothers-in-law.
Why is St. Paul like a white horse? Because
they both like Timothy.
Why do men go out of the theatre? Because
some plays are so solemn that the men
have to go out to smile.
Why is a nail fast in the wall like an old
man? Because it is infirm.
What is the difference between love and
war? One breaks heads and the other breaks
hearts.
99What is the difference between man and
butter? The older a man gets the weaker he
gets, but the older the butter is the stronger it
is.
When did Cæsar first visit the Irish? When
he crossed the Rhine and went back to bridge
it (Bridget).
What light could not possibly be seen in a
dark room? An Israe-lite.
How is it that the Queen is a poor gentlewoman?
She possesses only one crown.
Why is the letter B like a hot fire? Because
it makes oil boil.
Why is an invalid cured by sea-bathing like
a confined criminal? Because he is sea-cured
(secured).
When does a public speaker steal lumber?
When he takes the floor.
Why is the letter A like a honeysuckle?
Because a B follows it.
What history is that which repeats itself?
The history of nations. Your private history
is repeated by your neighbors.
When are two tramps like common time in
music? When they are two beats to a bar.
100If a two-wheeled wagon is a bicycle, and a
three-wheeled wagon is a tricycle, what would
you call a five-wheeled one? A V-hicle of
course.
Why is a ferry boat like a good rule? Because
it works both ways.
What part of London is like a lame man?
Cripplegate (cripple-gait).
What robe is that which you cannot weave,
you cannot buy, no one can sell, needs no
washing, and lasts forever? Robe of Righteousness.
How do we know the nightingales are
sports? Because they have a high time after
dark.
When is water most likely to escape? When
it is only half-tide.
What is always behind time? The back of
a clock.
What medicine is a cross dog fond of? Bark
and wine (whine).
What is the difference between perseverance
and obstinancy? One is a strong will and the
other is a strong won’t.
101Unable to think, unable to speak, yet tells
the truth to all the world? A true balance, or
pair of scales.
What country does a crying baby sigh for?
More-rock-oh, or Lapland.
Why is a coat worn by a weather-beaten
tramp like a man with insomnia? Because it
has not had a nap in ten years.
Why are spiders good correspondents? Because
they drop a line by every post and at
every house.
What does a young lady become when she
ceases to be pensive? Ex-pensive.
What is the sure sign of an early spring? A
cat watching a hole in the wall with her back
up.
A lady asked a gentleman how old he was?
He answered, My age is what you do in everything—excel
(XL).
Pray find a word that will produce a chair
and table? Char-i-table.
Why is it that whenever you are looking for
anything you always find it in the last place
you look? Because you always stop looking
when you find it.
102Why is the world like a cat’s tail? Because
it is fur to the end of it.
What is the most difficult lock to pick? One
from a bald head.
If Rider Haggard had been Lew Wallace,
who would “She” have been? “Ben-Hur.”
What would a pig do who wished to build
himself a habitation? Tie a knot in his tail
and call it a pig’s tie.
Why is snow like a maple tree? Because it
leaves in the early spring.
Who is the first nobleman mentioned in the
Bible? Baron (barren) figtree.
If a man bumped his head against the top of
the room, what article of stationery would he
get? Ceiling whacks (sealing wax.)
What is a good thing to part with? A
comb.
If your uncle’s sister is not your aunt what
relation is she to you? Your mother.
Why is a pig the most provident of all
animals? Because he always carries a spare-rib
about him.
103Why is the church of St. Paul, London, like
a bird’s nest? Because it was built by a wren
(Sir Christopher Wren).
For what profession are the members of a
college boat crew best fitted? For dentistry,
because they have a good pull.
Why has a chambermaid more lives than a
cat? Because each morning she returns to
dust.
Why ought the man who handles the reins
on a horse car be successful? Because he does
a driving business.
What paradox may often be found in a flower
garden? A white pink.
Why do carpenters have great faith in soothsayers?
They cannot work without an auger
(augur).
What does a yawning policeman resemble?
An open-faced watch.
Why is a crow like a lawyer? He likes to
have his caws (cause) heard.
What is the political character of a water-wheel?
Revolutionary.
Why are umbrellas like good churchmen?
They keep Lent so well.
104Why is a cat going up three pair of stairs
like a high hill? Because she’s a-mountin’.
What three letters give the name of a famous
Roman general? C-P-O (Scipio).
Why should England be a very dry country?
Because there has been but one reign there in
over fifty years.
Why is a nice, but uncultured girl like brown
sugar? Because she is sweet but unrefined.
Why are some women very much like tea-kettles?
Because they sing away pleasantly
and then all at once boil over.
What is the best way to keep fish from
smelling? Cut off their noses.
Why should you never confide a secret to
your relatives? Because blood will tell.
Which is the easier profession, a doctor’s or
a clergyman’s? A clergyman’s: he preaches,
the doctor practices.
How can it be proven that a horse has six
legs? Because he has fore legs in front and
two behind.
How does light get through a prism? It
hews (hues) its way through.
105When is a pie like a poet? When it is
Browning.
What can pass before the sun without making
a shadow? The wind.
Why should watermelon be a good name for
a newspaper? Because its insides would really
be read.
Why should the number 288 never be mentioned
in company? Because it is two gross.
When is a tourist in Ireland like a donkey?
When he is going to Bray.
Why are people of short memories necessarily
covetous? Because they’re always for-getting
something.
What is the beginning of every end, and the
end of every place? The letter E.
Why is the tolling of a bell like the prayers
of a hypocrite? Because it is a solemn sound
by a thoughtless tongue.
What letters of the alphabet are most like a
Roman emperor? The C’s are.
Why is a sneeze like Niagara? Because it’s
a catarrh-act.
When does water resemble a gymnast?
When it makes a spring.
106What bird is in season all the year? The
weather-cock.
What would you expect to find on a literary
man’s breakfast table? Bacon’s Remains,
Final memories of Lamb, if in season, and
Shelley fragments.
When is a sick man a contradiction? When
he is an impatient patient.
What is the dog-star announced to be? A
sky-terrier.
What is the difference between a tunnel and
a speaking trumpet? One is hollowed in, the
other is halloaed out.
When may a man be said to be literally immersed
in business? When he’s giving a
swimming lesson.
What trade should one follow in order to cut
a figure in the world? A sculptor.
What wind do we naturally look for after
Lent? An Easter-ly one.
How do little fish have a proper idea of business?
Not being able to do better, they start
on a small scale.
When do cards most resemble wolves?
When they belong to a pack.
107What vine does beef grow on? The bo-vine.
What is the difference between the Mormons’
religion and their wives? Their religion is
singular, but their wives are plural.
When is a man duplicated? When he’s
beside himself.
If a well known animal you behead,
Another one you will have instead.
Fox (f-ox).
Why is a drunken Irishman like a sentinel
going his rounds? He is pat-rolling.
Why is a Zulu belle like a prophet of old?
She has not much on’er in her own country.
Why is a blacksmith like a safe steed? Because
one is a horse-shoer, and the other is a
sure horse.
When giving invitations to a dancing party
what single word will tell the hour to begin
dancing? At ten-dance (attendance).
What is the greatest physical feat ever performed?
Wheeling, West Virginia, on the
Ohio.
What does an envelope say when it is licked?
Just shuts up and says nothing about it.
108Why is a pretty girl like an excellent mirror?
She’s a good looking lass.
When is an army totally destroyed? When
the soldiers are all in quarters.
Why is too much whisky and champagne
like the flowers that bloom in the spring?
Because they make the nose gay (nosegay).
Why is a postman in danger of losing his
way? Because he is guided by the directions
of strangers.
What killed Joan of Arc? Too much hot
stake.
What is the difference between a watchmaker
and a jailer? One sells watches and the other
watches cells.
Why are lawyers the most intemperate
people? Because they are continually practicing
at the bar.
What word of four syllables represents Sin
riding on a little animal? Sin-on-a-mouse
(Synonymous.)
What motive had the inventor of railways in
view! A loco-motive.
With what do the mermaids tie up their
hair? With a marine band.
109What tree bears the most fruit to market?
The axle tree.
What is the sharpest instrument mentioned
in the Bible? The Acts (axe) of the Apostles.
Why is a banker’s clerk necessarily well
informed? Because he is continually taking
notes.
Use me well and I am everybody; scratch my
back and I am nobody. A looking-glass.
What great Scotchman would you name if a
footman knocked at the door? John Knox.
Why is a billiard maker like a stage
prompter? Because he gives the players a cue.
Why is the sculptor Powers a great swindler?
Because he chiseled the Greek slave out of her
clothes.
Why is the bank of England like a thrush?
It often changes its notes.
What is it, which the man that made it does
not need, the man who buys it does not use for
himself, and the person that uses it does not
know it? A coffin.
Why are convicts like a pack of cards?
Because there is a knave in every suit.
110When is a fact like a universal patent?
When it is patent to “all.”
What kind of a swell luncheon would hardly
be considered a grand affair? A luncheon of
dried apples and warm water, which is really a
swell affair.
Why is a young lady like a promissory note?
Because she ought to be settled when she arrives
at maturity.
What is that which always goes with its head
downward? A nail in your shoe.
Why is a man just put in prison like a boat
full of water? Because he wants bailing
out.
What sort of a face does an auctioneer like
best? One that is for bidding.
Why should a poor salesman be put in the
hands of a potter? Because he is very poor
clay and should be fired.
Why is an account book like a statuary shop?
It is full of figures.
When a young man calls upon his sweetheart
what should he carry with him? Affection
in his heart, perfection in his manners, and
confections in his pockets.
111What is that which Adam never saw, never
possessed, yet left two to each of his children?
Parents.
When may a base-ball nine say its “cake is
all dough”? When it does not have a good
batter.
Why is it better to lose an arm than a leg?
Because when you lose a leg you lose something
to boot.
What key in music will make a good officer?
A sharp major.
Why were the Jews of old like bad debts?
Because they killed the prophets (profits).
What is political economy? Splitting your
vote.
What makes everybody sick but those that
swallow it? Flattery.
What jury of twelve tries us for a year? The
twelve months; they all try us.
What is that which never flies except when
its wings are broken? An army.
What is the difference between a very fascinating
young lady and her watch? The watch
makes one remember the hours, and the young
lady makes one forget them.
112Why is an egg like a colt? Because it is
not fit for use until it is broken.
Why is a threadbare garment like a man
who was up late at the ball? Because both
look worn out when they lose their nap.
What bridge creates the most anxiety? A
suspension bridge.
When does a cook break the game law?
When she poaches eggs.
Why is a cigar-loving man like a tallow candle?
Because he smokes when he is going out.
What way of showing wrath has a tea kettle?
It sings sweetest when it is hottest.
Why do you always make a mistake when
you put on your slipper? Because you put
your foot in it.
Why is a lucky gambler an agreeable fellow?
Because he has such winning ways.
Why is the leading horse in a wagon team
like the acceptor of a bill? Because he’s the
end horse, sir (endorser).
What money brings the most substantial
interest? Matri-mony.
113What is a remarkable fact when the Chinese
actor loses his head? He is pretty sure to lose
his cue at the same time.
Why, when you paint a man’s portrait, may
you be described as stepping into his shoes?
Because you make his feet-yours (features).
Why is the inside of everything mysterious?
Because we cannot make it out.
Why is the Prince of Wales musing on his
mother’s government like a rainbow? Because
it’s the son’s reflection on a steady reign.
