Christmas Speakin’ at Skaggs’s Skule

Time of Playing—Thirty Minutes
Scene, An Old-time District School room

Copyright, 1921, by Paine Publishing Company

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Miss Elkins, Old-maid costume, much fussed up with bright colors; spectacles, hair in corkscrew curls each side of face.

Josiah Judd, Chin whiskers, colored shirt, bright tie, suit that is too large, boots, large red bandanna handkerchief.

Mrs. Skaggs and Mrs. Hill, Hair done up old style, old-fashioned wool dresses, small old-time bonnets that tie under chin, shawls.

Billy Skaggs, good-sized boy with clothes too small, waist with large ruffled collar, bright bow tie, short trousers, bright stockings.

Ole Swanson, colored shirt, overalls, colored handkerchief tied around neck.

Matildy and Florildy, Old-fashioned wool dresses, much too long, hair flowing, ribbon tied around head with bow at the top.

Rastus, Bright calico waist, trousers that do not fit, patched with bright color, face blackened.

Virgil Vane, hair parted in middle, spectacles, coat much too small, long trousers, stand-up collar.

Sam Shaw, Short trousers, a coat much too large and long.

Tilly, A small slender girl with rather long, tight-fitting dress, hair hanging in two braids.

Corabell, Good-sized girl, well padded to be fat, very short skirt, hair with big bow at each side of face.

Sarah Jane, Rather small size, dressed much too old for age, hair crimped, old-style gown.

Stage arrangement—Pupils sit on benches along back of stage; small table for teacher at one side with books, bell and long ruler. Stand with water pail and dipper, dinner pails hanging on wall, also children’s wraps; some decorations of evergreen and Merry Christmas pinned on wall in letters of various sizes and colors. Visitors sit in chairs at sides of room.

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Teacher (tapping bell loudly)—Now, children dear, I hope you will all be very, very good and very, very quiet while we have our entertainment. What kind of an entertainment is it to be, children? (a pause) W’y, children, don’t you know what kind of an entertainment it is going to be?

Virgil—Wal, I think it’ll be a fust-rate good ’un if none of ’em don’t fergit their pieces.

Sam—W-w-w-w-w-wal, I w-w-w-w-w-won’t f-f-f-f-fergit mine if I d-d-d-d-don’t git b-b-b-b-b-bashful.

Sarah Jane—Huh, you bet you I won’t git skeered—I haint fraid o’ nothin’. I wouldn’t be skeered to speak if they was a grizzly bear here.

Tilly—Oh, teacher, she would, too, wouldn’t she, teacher?

Sarah Jane—I wouldn’t neither, so there!

Teacher (tapping bell)—Children, be still. That is not a nice way to act on entertainment day. I meant what kind of an entertainment are we going to have according to the season (a pause). W’y, can’t you tell, children?

Corabell—Teacher, what’s season?

Matildy—Huh, don’t you know that? W’y, it’s salt an’ pepper an’ spice an’ stuff they put in things to season ’em.

Virgil—Aw, that haint what it means—it’s spring an’ fall an’ winter—that’s what season means, haint it, teacher?

Teacher (tapping bell)—Children, be still. I mean what kind of pieces are we going to have in our entertainment?

All (loudly)—Chris’mus pieces.

Teacher—Yes, children, that is right—Christmas pieces, children. Why are we going to have Christmas pieces, children? (pause).

Rastus—I reckon so’s we-all’ll git a Chris’mus present ef we does our pieces good. Mammy says as how she’s gwine gimme a mighty nice present ef I does my part good.

Sam—I t-t-t-t-think we’re s-s-s-s-s-sayin’ K-k-k-k-k-k-k-kris’mus pieces k-k-k-k-k-kawase K-k-k-k-k-k-kris’mus is the time to s-s-s-s-s-say K-k-k-k-k-k-k-kris’mus pieces.

Teacher—Yes, children, we’re going to have a nice Christmas entertainment because Christmas day is coming and we all love Christmas day, don’t we, children?

All—Yes, ma’am.

Teacher—And so, children, I hope we shall have a nice entertainment, an’ that you will be very, very good an’ speak up nice an’ loud an’ do your parts the very, very best you can (children nudge each other and point off stage as if looking out of window).

Florildy (waving hand)—Teacher, somebody’s comin’ (knock is heard).

Teacher—S-s-sh! Be quiet, children (goes over and admits Mrs. Hill).

Enter Mrs. Hill

Mrs. Hill—Good afternoon, teacher. I heard as how you’re goin’ to have Chris’mus speakin’ here this afternoon an’ I says to Jeremiah, I says, I’m jes’ goin’ over to the skule house an’ hear that speakin’ ’cause as I says to ’im, says I, I do jes’ love to hear the childrun speak their pieces. An’ so here I be, teacher, an’ I hope I haint late.

Teacher—No, indeed, you’re not late, Mis’ Hill, an’ we’re very, very glad you came. Have this chair (she seats Mrs. Hill).

Mrs. Hill—My, my, well I remember the time, teacher, that I’ve spoke a piece at Chris’mus time. They did say, as I says to Jeremiah, says I, they used to say that I was an awful good hand at speakin’. Mebbe I’ll speak a piece here today (smiles at children).

Teacher—That will be very, very nice. You’d like to have Mis’ Hill speak, wouldn’t you, children?

All—Yes, ma’am (they nudge and point off stage again).

Sarah Jane—Oh, teacher, Billy Skaggs’s mother, she’s comin’ (a knock is heard. Teacher goes over and admits Mrs. Skaggs).

Enter Mrs. Skaggs

Mrs. Skaggs—How-de-do, teacher. I hope you’re feelin’ real well. I’ve come over to the Chris’mus speakin’, teacher. I’ve got an awful lot o’ work to do to home, bein’ as we’re goin’ to have comp’ny on Chris’mus, an’ I’m tryin’ to make some Chris’mus presents, an’ bake an’ clean up an’ all, but Billy he was so set on my comin’ that I jes’ come an’ here I be (she shakes hands with the teacher and Mrs. Hill).

Teacher—We are very, very glad you came. I should have been very, very disappointed if no one came to visit (she seats Mrs. Skaggs by Mrs. Hill).

Mrs. Skaggs—I hope you haint had none the speakin’ yet. I’d hate dreadful bad to miss any of it. As I was sayin’ to Hen—that’s my husban’—I says, Hen, there aint a single thing I like to hear better’n children speakin’ pieces. I think it’s dreadful nice, even when they make mistakes. As I says to Hen, we can’t expect ’em to do too good.

Ole (pointing off stage)—Oh, teacher, yust look who’s ban comin’!

Teacher (tapping bell)—Be quiet, children (knock is heard. She goes over and admits Josiah Judd).

Enter Josiah Judd

Mr. Judd—How-de-do, teacher, how-de-do? I came over to be present at—that is, to attend, and injoy—that is, to participate in the Chris’mus entertainment (shakes hands awkwardly with teacher and the two visitors). As a member of the skule board I feel that I should incourage the childern of the deestrict with my presence here an’ see how they’re gittin’ on. Be they doin’ purty good, teacher? (looks children over).

Teacher—We’re very, very glad you came, Mr. Judd. Yes, they’re doin’ real well (she seats him). Now, children dear, we will begin to commence our Christmas entertainment (Billy sobs softly).

Sarah Jane (waving hand)—Teacher, teacher, Billy’s bawlin’.

Teacher—W’y, Billy, what is the matter? (goes to him).

Billy (sobbing)—I—I—I—

Mrs. Skaggs—Lan’ sakes, teacher, what’s the matter with ’im? Billy, is your stummick botherin’ you?

Billy—I—I want to set longside o’ maw.

Mrs. Skaggs—Now, Billy, you set right where you be an’ stop your fussin’.

Billy (boo-hooing out loud)—I—want—to set—by—maw.

Mrs. Skaggs—Wal, lan’ sakes, teacher, I spose he’ll cry himself sick ef he can’t set by me. Can he come set here? He’s an awful hand fer his maw, Billy is (the children giggle).

Teacher (taking Billy by hand and leading him)—Yes, he may sit up here (she fixes a chair beside his mother for Billy). Now, children dear, we will sing our nice welcome song (she beats time with long ruler, Mr. Judd beats time with his hand and keeps time with his head; the two visitors beat time with foot. The children sing with a great deal of spirit).

Mrs. Hill—That was real fine.

Mrs. Skaggs—They done jes’ splendid, teacher.

Mr. Judd—Very good, very good!

Teacher—Now we will have an essay on Christmas by Virgil Vale. Virgil wrote this all by himself out of his own head an’ it is very, very good (Virgil walks to the front with long strides, smoothes his hair, fixes his collar, straightens his coat, blows his nose, then takes a paper from his pocket and reads; high tone and sing-song).

Virgil—Christmas is a very nice day. It comes on the 25th day of December. Christmas is when Santa Claus comes with presents. Christmas is when we hang up our stockings to get presents. Christmas is when we have Christmas trees with presents on. Christmas is when folks has company or goes visitin’. On Christmas day folks say Merry Christmas to each other. Christmas day don’t last long but it is a long time gettin’ here. It is more blessed to give Christmas than to receive it. Christmas is a merry day (bows low and takes seat).

Teacher—That was fine, Virgil.

Mr. Judd (nodding head)—Very good, very good!

Mrs. Hill—I couldn’t a wrote a better one myself.

Teacher—Now we will have a piece by Ole Swanson.

Ole (much scared)—Teacher, I aint ban feel very gude—I don’t gass I ban speakin’ my piece today. I—I skall got awfully yumpin’ tooths aching, teacher.

Teacher—Oh, now, Ole, you can speak. Your tooth doesn’t ache.

Ole—Teacher, please, I ban gotting such a headache I aint skall ban feelings gude, teacher. I no skall ban able to speakings, teacher.

Teacher—Then I shall tell your mother not to give you any Christmas present.

Ole—Then by yimminy, I skall ban speakings, yust the same like I aint ban sick (marches rapidly to front and speaks):

Rastus—Done served dat-dare boy jes’ right, aint it, teacher?

Teacher—Yes, indeed. You spoke very well, Ole. Next we shall have a song by the twins, Matildy and Florildy.

Matildy—Oh, I don’t want to sing—I’m scart.

Florildy—You come on, now. You know what maw told you—that she’d spank you if you didn’t sing nice after teacher had learned us so good.

Mrs. Hill—Come on, Matildy. I know that song’s goin’ to be jes’ splendid (the twins go to the front and are about to sing when Matildy begins to giggle. Florildy looks at her then she too giggles).

Teacher—Girls, that is very, very wrong. Sing your song like nice girls. (Matildy straightens out, then as they are about to sing she has another spell of giggling in which Florildy finally joins. They at last sing):

Matildy and Florildy.

Mrs. Skaggs—Now, I think they done that real fine.

Mr. Judd—Very good, very good!

Teacher—The next will be a piece by Rastus.

Rastus—Say, teacher, I don’t wan’ ter speak no piece, I shooly don’ wan’ ter, teacher.

Teacher—Oh, yes, you do, Rastus.

Rastus—No, hones’, re’lly, I shooly cross mah heart an’ hope ter die, I don’ wan’ ter speak mah piece, teacher.

Teacher—Why not?

Rastus—I’s ’fraid I’ll disrecomember it, teacher an’ mammy said as how if I disrecomembered mah piece I’d git skun alive when I gits home. I don’ wan’ ter get skun, shuah’s youse born I don’ wan’ ter, teacher.

Teacher—Now, Rastus, you won’t forget. I know you won’t, so come speak like a nice boy.

Rastus (rubbing eyes)—I—I—don’ wan’ ter—be—SKUN!

Mrs. Hill—Poor little fellow (wipes her eyes).

Sarah Jane—Teacher, if she skuns ’im will he die?

Rastus (loudly)—Boo-hoo, I don’ wan’ ter DIE!

Mr. Judd—Now, Rastus, you speak your piece and I’ll see that your mother doesn’t touch you and I’ll give you some candy.

Rastus—All right (comes forward grinning widely, bows and speaks):

Tillie—Teacher, he won’t git skun, will he?

Mr. Judd—No, indeed he won’t. That was very good, very good (he gives Rastus bright stick of candy).

Rastus (eating candy)—Teacher, I jes’ as liefs to speak mah piece ovah agin.

Teacher—No, once is enough.

Billy—Boo-hoo, boo-hoo, boo-hoo!

Mrs. Skaggs—Lan’ sakes, Billy, what’s the matter now?

Billy—Boo-hoo, boo-hoo, boo-hoo!

Mrs. Skaggs—Now, Billy, tell maw what’s the matter. Be your stummick a hurtin’ you agin, Billy?

Billy—I want some candy like he’s got (points to Rastus).

Mrs. Skaggs—Wal, jes’ as soon’s we git home you can have some.

Billy (kicking floor with both feet)—Don’t wan’ ter wait. Boo-hoo, boo-hoo!

Sam—I s-s-s-s-s-s-say, he b-b-b-b-b-b-better have a g-g-g-g-good l-l-l-l-l-l-lickin’. (Mr. Judd slips over quietly and puts a stick of candy into Billy’s hand).

Billy—I won’t—(sees candy and stares at it, laughs and puts it in his mouth). Oh, Maw, I got some, too (laughs).

Teacher—Now we will have—

Corabell (softly)—Boo-hoo, boo-hoo, boo-hoo!

Tilly—Oh, teacher, my little sister’s cryin’! (puts arm around Corabell). What’s the matter, little sister? Are you sick?

Corabell—No! (louder). Boo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Teacher (goes over)—Do you want to go home?

Corabell—NO! (louder) Boo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Tilly—Please, dearie, tell sister what’s the matter.

Corabell—I want—some—too—boo-hoo-hoo!

Mr. Judd—Pshaw, now! I guess I got myself in trouble (he slips over and puts candy in Corabell’s hand).

Tilly—Oh, see, little sister, what the nice man gave you (Corabell laughs and puts candy in mouth).

Teacher—We will now have a piece by Sarah Jane (she sits fussing in her seat). Come, Sarah Jane, speak your piece.

Sam—Huh, she’s f-f-f-f-f-f-fraid to s-s-s-s-s-say it.

Sarah Jane—I haint neither—I haint scart o’ nuthin’. I’m—I’m a fixin’ up my stockin’ (fusses, then goes to front and stands there, twisting her dress and looking down at floor).

Teacher—Speak up, nice, Sarah Jane.

Virgil—Say, I bet she’s so skeert she can’t say nothin’.

Sarah Jane—I haint neither.

Virgil—Oh, you be, too.

Sarah Jane—I haint scart o’ nothin’.

Teacher—Why don’t you speak, Sarah Jane?

Sarah Jane—I’m thinkin’.

Teacher—What are you thinking about?

Sarah Jane—How my piece starts (twists dress, looks down at floor, moves lips. Then speaks, loud and fast).

(Stops, moves lips, etc., as before. Then speaks the four lines over again and adds):

Mrs. Hill—That was real fine, Sarah Jane.

Mr. Judd—Very good, very good!

Teacher—Next Sam Shaw will speak.

Sam—T-t-t-t-t-teacher, I g-g-g-g-g-g-got a s-s-s-s-s-short piece, k-k-k-k-k-kawse it takes me so l-l-l-l-l-long to s-s-s-s-s-say it, k-k-k-k-k-kawse I st-st-st-st-st-stutter.

Teacher—Very well (Sam pulls coat and contorts body trying to speak):

Mrs. Skaggs—I think he done that real fine.

Mr. Judd—Very good, very good!

Teacher—Now, Billy will speak his piece (Billy shakes head).

Mrs. Skaggs—Now Billy, you go speak like a good boy.

Billy—I—don’t wan’—to (hangs to his mother’s skirt).

Mrs. Skaggs—Now, don’t you be naughty. You go speak your piece so Santy Claus will bring you a nice present.

Billy—No, no, NO!

Mrs. Skaggs—Come now, maw will take you over (she takes him by the hand, pulls him to the front to speak, fixes his tie, smoothes his hair and goes back to her seat). Now speak, Billy.

Billy—No, no, NO! (he runs back and sits by his mother).

Mrs. Skaggs—Now, Billy, don’t act so—what would paw say? (she pulls him back to front, fixes him again and turns to go to her seat. Billy grabs her skirt and follows her, crying). Wal, teacher, I don’t guess he’ll speak, he’s so bashful. He gits it from his paw an’ I spose he can’t help it.

Teacher—Then Tilly will speak her piece.

Tilly (in high, piping voice, very dramatic gestures).

Mrs. Hill—My, my, her motions was jes’ grand!

Mr. Judd (nodding)—Very good, very good!

Tilly—Teacher, my little sister has a piece to say.

Teacher—Then she may speak now.

Tilly—Come on, Corabell, don’t be ’fraid. I’ll take you up to speak (she leads Corabell to the front and fixes her hair, ribbons, dress, etc.) Now speak your piece, little sister (Corabell should be fat and larger than Tilly).

Corabell (lisping)—

Tilly—Come on, Corabell, run to your seat.

Corabell—I don’t want to (stands grinning).

Tilly—Why not?

Corabell—I want you to come fetch me to my seat.

Tilly—All right (she goes and takes Corabell to seat).

Mrs. Hill—My, my, aint she the cute little thing?

Mrs. Skaggs—Aint she though? Billy, can’t you speak like that little girl?

Billy—No, no (clings to his mother).

Virgil—Teacher, can’t Mis’ Hill speak her piece now?

The Others—Oh, yes, ma’am, yes, ma’am!

Mrs. Hill—My, my, me! It’s so long sence I’ve spoke I guess I’ve forgot how. Wal, I’ll try, but don’t you laugh at me (goes to front, makes sweeping gesture with both hands and bows low).

(Hands on hips and laughs, ha-ha-ha, ho-ho-ho, then makes another low bow and takes seat.)

Teacher—That was splendid, wasn’t it children? (Virgil goes off).

Children (heartily)—Yes, ma’am.

Mr. Judd—Very good, very good!

Teacher—Now, children, we are very, very glad to have our esteemed an’ highly respected clerk of the Skule board here with us today. It was very, very nice for him to take so much interest in you an’ come to hear your pieces. Now we shall be very, very glad to have him make us a speech, won’t we, children?

Children—Yes, ma’am.

Mr. Judd (going to front and rubbing hands together as he talks)—Wal, teacher and children and visiters, I can say with great truth an’ much joy that I be glad to been here today. Yes, childern, I allus like fer to hear the childern speak pieces an’ I can said that I been proud of the way you speaked an’ sung. Yes, childern, I can say with truth an’ not a tellin’ nuthin’ that haint so, that you all done good, very good, in your speakin’. Your nice teacher has been a learnin’ you fine an’ as I said, you done good. Yes, childern. An’ you mus’ all been proper behaved in skule, childern, fer nobody can’t larn good when they been a cuttin’ up, an’ misbehavin’ an’ not a mindin’ the nice teacher’s rule. Yes, childern. So I want fer to tell you as how you mus’ study hard an’ behave good. Now, childern, do you know what I be? (pause).

Florildy—I guess mebbe you’re teacher’s beau (children giggle).

Teacher (smiling)—W’y, w’y, w’y, Florildy, dear, how can you SAY such a thing?

Mr. Judd (wiping face vigorously with bandanna)—Yes, yes, that is, I mean to said, I, yes, wal, (twists bandanna nervously) I wanted fer to have you said I were CLERK of the SKULE BOARD, childern, yes, CLERK of SKAGGS’S SKULE, childern, an’ I was goin’ fer to say as how if you study hard an’ been good mebbe some day—yes, who knows, childern, mebbe some o’ you’ll git to been clerk. Wouldn’t that be grand, childern? Yes. So you mus’ study hard an’ been good behaved. Now I can truthful say I been glad to been here today with you an’ your nice teacher, an’ I hope you can all said the same. An’ I wish you all a merry Chris’mus, childern, very merry. Yes (sits, mops face with bandanna).

Teacher (beaming)—Now, wasn’t that a splendid speech? An’ we thank Mr. Judd very, very much, don’t we, children?

Children—Yes, ma’am.

Teacher—An’ now, children, we will sing our Santy Claus song, an’ who knows, children, mebbe Santy Claus will come right here an’ serprise us all (beats time with ruler).

Virgil (gruff voice)—Wal, wal, childern, didn’t expec’ ter see me here today, did ye? Wal, here I be an’ I hope yer al glad to see Santy. Now fust thing, I want ter know HAVE YE BEEN GOOD CHILDERN? Have ye? (pause) Have ye been good?

Tilly (faintly)—Yes, ma’am.

Billy—Oh, boo-hoo-hoo, boo-hoo-hoo, boo-hoo-hoo!

Mrs. Skaggs—W’y, Billy, what’s the matter?

Billy—Boo-hoo-hoo, boo-hoo-hoo! I’m ’fraid of Santy Claus.

Mrs. Skaggs—Now, Billy, Santy won’t hurt you none.

Billy (bawling)—I want to go home. I want to go home (cries louder and falls down on floor).

Mrs. Skaggs—Oh, I’m ’fraid he’ll have a fit he’s so skeered. (to teacher) Tell ’im to take off his face so’s Billy can see ’im (teacher runs and talks to Virgil who pulls off his false face).

Teacher—See, Billy, it’s only Virgil.

Virgil (crossly)—Nice way to spoil our fun (Billy stops crying, looks at Virgil and begins to laugh).

Teacher—Now, children, we will have a treat and Mr. Judd will help Santy pass it to you (Virgil and Mr. J. give each one a sack of pop corn and candy as curtain falls).

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