BONAPARTE’S WILL.
In the name of my Trinity, the Goddess of Reason, Mahomet
the Prophet, and Pius the Pope; We the most great, most magnanimous,
and most puissant Brutus Aly Napoleon Bonaparte,
son to a Spy, grandson to a Butcher, and great-grandson
to a Galley Slave, Emperor of the Gauls, First Consul of France,
President of Italy, Landamman of Switzerland, Director of Holland,
King of Etruria, Protector of Emperors, Dictator and Creator of
Kings, Electors, Princes, Cardinals, Senators, Generals, Bishops,
Prefects, Actors, Schoolmasters, &c., &c., &c., do declare, that
notwithstanding the adulation of our Slaves, and their assurances
of immortality, the pangs of our conscience, the decay of our
body, the fear of recoiling daggers, the dreadful anticipation of
infernal machines emitting fire and smoke, invented at Jaffa, and
the hissing breath of the poisonous serpents generated at El
Arish, remind us that we soon must die, and that our power must
die with us. We, therefore, according to the Senatus Consultum
of our free Senate, do declare this to be our last Will and Testament,
as follows:
Imprimis.
To our most beloved, and dearest Ibrahim Rostan, Mameluke,
we give and bequeath after our decease, the crown of Henry IV.,
the sceptre of Saint Louis, and the throne of France and Navarre,
the sovereignty and sovereign disposal of the lives and fortunes of
thirty millions of Frenchmen, of six millions of Italians, of seven
millions of Spaniards, of two millions of Helvetians, and of three
millions of Batavians, (except as is hereafter excepted) and we
enjoin and charge all the world to acknowledge, adore, and
respect this Mameluke, Ibrahim Rostan, the African, as the
natural and legal successor of us, Brutus Aly Napoleon Bonaparte,
the Corsican.
We give and bequeath in reversion, to Citizen Barras, our
dear Consort, much improved, and more enriched, but reserving
to ourselves the disposal of her virtuous Maids of Honour,
whom we give and bequeath to our Legion of Honour, as a reward
due as well to the virtues of the one, as to the valour of the
other.
We give and bequeath to our dearly beloved brother Joseph,
the presidency of the Italian Republic, together with our dearly
bought Minister Talleyrand, to be disposed of as his own property,
in all future negociations.
To our dearly beloved brother Lucien, we give and bequeath
our Batavian Republic, and our Minister Chaptal, who, hereafter,
shall write his speeches, dictate his letters, and correct his
spelling.
To our dearly beloved brother Louis, we bequeath our Helvetian
Republic, and our Minister Berthier, accompanied with the
sense of his Secretary Achambau, whose instructions, in some
time, may enable him to become a good Corporal of Grenadiers.
To our dearly beloved brother Jerome, we bequeath, in petto,
the sovereignty of the seas, with our minister of Marine, and all
the admirals of our navy, doubting, however, if their united efforts
will make him a good midshipman.
To our dearly beloved Mother, we give and bequeath his
Holiness, the Pope, and our uncle, Cardinal Frere79; with a Pope,
and a Cardinal, in her possession, her stay in purgatory must be
short, and in Heaven long.
To our dearly beloved sisters, Mistresses Bacchiocchi, Murat,
Santa Cruce, and Le Clerc, we give and bequeath our family
honours, chastity, modesty, and moderation.
To our dear son in law, Eugenius Beauharnais, we give and
bequeath Parma and Plaisance,80 with our dear countryman Sebastiani,
who will instruct him to drive like a coachman, and ride
like a postillion.
To our much beloved daughter in law, Madame Fanny Beauharnais,
as a reward for her loyalty, we bequeath a representation,
in wax, of the scaffold of her father, and the throne of her mother,
both designed by the revolutionary modellers, Barras & Co.
To our dear uncle, Cardinal Frere,79 we give and bequeath
the triple crown of St. Peter, in petto, and to all our nameless
known and unknown relatives, we give and bequeath the kingdom
of Etruria, to be disposed of to the highest bidder, and
its value laid out in mourning rings, to be equally distributed
amongst them, and certain Continental Princes hereinafter mentioned.
We give and bequeath to our dear friend the King of Spain,
an Etrurian mourning ring, and four family pictures, representing
the Bourbons dethroned, the Bourbons degraded, the Bourbons
repenting, and the Bourbons forgiven.
We give and bequeath to the King of Naples, three marble
statues, after a model by his Queen, representing Faith, Loyalty,
and Constancy; and to the Kings of Sardinia, we bequeath our
promises of honour, to be equally divided between them.
We give and bequeath to his Holiness the Pope, the doctrines
of the Goddess of Reason, the Alcoran of Mahomet, and the
atheism of our Institute; all true relics; besides, to himself, his
successors, and College of Cardinals, we bequeath concordant
mourning rings, from the manufactory of our Counsellor of State
Portalis.81
We give and bequeath to his Imperial Majesty the Emperor
of Germany, two drawings, representing Hope amongst the ruins
of Turkey, and Desire contemplating Bavaria, designed by Citizen
Dupe, and sold by Citizen Plot.
We give and bequeath to his Imperial Majesty the Emperor
of Russia, three pictures, representing Louis XVI. upon the
Throne, Louis XVI. in the Temple, and Louis XVI. upon the
Scaffold; by Citizens Loyalty, Monarchy, and Warning.
We give and bequeath to our dearest friend the King of
Prussia, the landscape of Hanover, with the Imperial Crown in
perspective, by Citizens Royalty, Jacobin, and Rebel.
We give and bequeath to our natural Ally the Emperor of the
Turkish Empire, the description of our Conquests of Egypt, our
flight from Egypt, and our future return to Egypt, by Citizens
Treachery, Cowardice, and Design.
We give and bequeath to his Majesty the King of the United
Kingdoms of Great Britain, and Ireland, the United Navy of
Holland and France, commanded by Citizen Envy, mann’d by
Citizen Coalition, and lost by Citizen Invasion.
We give and bequeath to his Majesty the King of Sweden, the
French original representation of the assassination of Gustavus III.
to remind him of vengeance, honour and duty.
We give to our dear friend the King of Denmark, an original
painting, of the insults, torments, and death, of his Queen Caroline
Matilda; designed and executed by two celebrated French
artists, Citizens Intrigue and Crime.
We give and bequeath to the Regent of Portugal, a Code of
our Revolutionary Laws of Nations, and a chapter of the Rebel
Etiquette of Grenadier Ambassadors, explained and illustrated by
Citizens Sans Culottes, Rudeness, and Impudence.
We give and bequeath to our friend the Elector of Bavaria
the Bible of the Theophilanthropes, and the Concordat of Portalis,
as an assistance to his patriotic illuminated ministers, in their
political reformations, and religious innovations.
We give and bequeath to our chosen Grand Master of Malta,
the Musical Opera of the Capture of Malta, performed in 1798
with a Concerto by Citizen Treason, and in 1800 with a Bravura,
by Citizen Valour, with the farcical afterpiece of the Recapture,
performed at Amiens, by Citizens Fraud and Treaty.
To all other Continental Sovereigns, who have accepted more
or less of our bountiful indemnities, we give and bequeath our
mourning rings of honour; and to all other ambassadors, ministers,
agents, and deputies, who have negociated, intrigued, bribed, or
begged indemnities, we give and bequeath, with our consciences
of honour, the revolutionary principles of Necker, the ex-minister,
the probity, and disinterestedness of Talleyrand, our minister, and
the honour and virtue of Fouché our senator, to be equally
divided amongst them, share and share alike.
We give and bequeath to all Sovereigns upon earth, who have
acknowledged our Corsican Kingdom of Etruria, and to their
ministers and counsellors, Iron mourning rings, from the axe of
the Guillotine, of the Luneville manufactory, bearing the following
inscription, ‘Monarchy degraded, and Monarchy dishonoured,
Feb. 1801.’82
We give and bequeath to the Citizens of the Republics in Italy,
Switzerland, and Holland, our Corsican Mourning rings, with an
inscription, ‘Liberty lost, 1801, and unrevenged, 1803.’
N.B.—We give and bequeath to the Citizens of the United
States of America, the funeral speeches on the tombs of the
Liberty of France, Germany, Switzerland, Italy, and Holland,
translated and published by Citizen Plot, in Louisiana.
To all our Senators, Legislators, Tribunes, Counsellors, Ministers,
Generals, Cardinals, Bishops, Prefects, &c., &c., &c., and to all
other of our Slaves of every denomination and description, whether
Rebel, Royalist, or Regicide Jacobins; either Traitors, Apostates,
Murderers, or Plunderers, we give and bequeath the Cannon of
St. Napoleon, the dagger of St. Brutus, the poison of St. Aly, the
Guillotine of St. Robespierre, and the halter of St. Judas; all true
relics, to be equally divided amongst them.
We give and bequeath to the Manes of all the Citizens
butchered by us at Toulon, murdered by us at Paris, and poisoned
by us in Egypt; our confession to our Cardinal Bishop at
Paris, and our absolution from his Holiness the Pope.
We command, and desire most earnestly, not to be buried in
any Church or Church-yard, in any mosque or pantheon, but in
the common sewer of Montmartre, where the corses of our worthy
predecessors, Marat and Robespierre, were deposited; but for the
quiet of our soul, we do order, and put into requisition, La Revalliere,
high priest to the Goddess of Reason, Mercier, the atheist of
the Institute, Amarat, the mufti of Constantinople, and Pius the
Pope of Rome, to say prayers over our tomb, and to read ‘Domine
salvum fac Consulem,’ sic transit Gloria mundi!
Lastly, to Louis the XVIII. commonly called the Pretender,
and to all Princes of the House of Bourbon, their heirs, executors,
administrators, and assigns, we give and bequeath our everlasting
hate; and it is our further will and pleasure, that, if any potentate
or power, shall harbour the said Louis XVIII. or any of the said
princes, such harbouring shall be a good cause of war; and the
potentate and power guilty of such humanity, and hospitality,
shall be punished by a Coalition of Powers as a violater of the law
of nations, and contrary to the rights of man.
In Witness whereof, we have hereunto set our hand and seal
the 25th day of Prairial, (14 June, 1803) in the eleventh year of
the French Republic, one and indivisible.
Brutus Aly Napoleon Bonaparte.