Ned Sheehy was servant-man to Richard Gumbleton, Esquire, of
Mountbally, Gumbletonmore, in the north of the county of Cork; and a
better servant than Ned was not to be found in that honest county,
from Cape Clear to the Kilworth Mountains; for nobody—no, not his
worst enemy—could say a word against him, only that he was rather
given to drinking, idling, lying, and loitering, especially the last;
for send Ned of a five-minute message at nine o’clock in the morning,
and you were a lucky man if you saw him before dinner. If there
happened to be a public-house in the way, or even a little out of it,
Ned was sure to mark it as dead as a pointer; and, knowing every body,
and every body liking him, it is not to be wondered at he had so much
to say and to hear, that the time slipped away as if the sun somehow
or other had knocked two hours into one.
But when he came home, he never was short of an excuse: he had, for
that matter, five hundred ready upon the tip of his tongue; so much
so, that I doubt if even the very reverend doctor Swift, for many
years Dean of St. Patrick’s, in Dublin, could match him in that
particular, though his reverence had a pretty way of his own of
writing things which brought him into very decent company. In fact,
Ned would fret a saint, but then he was so good-humoured a fellow, and
really so handy about a house,—for, as he said himself, he was as
good as a lady’s maid,—that his master could not find it in his heart
to part with him.
In your grand houses—not that I am saying that Richard Gumbleton,
esquire of Mountbally, Gumbletonmore, did not keep a good house, but a
plain country gentleman, although he is second-cousin to the last
high-sheriff of the county, cannot have all the army of servants that
the lord-lieutenant has in the castle of Dublin—I say, in your grand
houses, you can have a servant for every kind of thing, but in
Mountbally, Gumbletonmore, Ned was expected to please master and
mistress; or, as counsellor Curran said,—by the same token the
counsellor was a little dark man—one day that he dined there, on his
way to the Clonmel assizes—Ned was minister for the home and foreign
departments.
But to make a long story short, Ned Sheehy was a good butler, and a
right good one too, and as for a groom, let him alone with a horse: he
could dress it, or ride it, or shoe it, or physic it, or do any thing
with it but make it speak—he was a second whisperer!—there was not
his match in the barony, or the next one neither. A pack of hounds he
could manage well, ay, and ride after them with the boldest man in the
land. It was Ned who leaped the old bounds’ ditch at the turn of the
boreen of the lands of Reenascreena, after the English captain pulled
up on looking at it, and cried out it was “No go.” Ned rode that day
Brian Boro, Mr. Gumbleton’s famous chestnut, and people call it Ned
Sheehy’s Leap to this hour.
So, you see, it was hard to do without him: however, many a scolding
he got; and although his master often said of an evening, “I’ll turn
off Ned,” he always forgot to do so in the morning. These threats
mended Ned not a bit; indeed, he was mending the other way, like bad
fish in hot weather.
One cold winter’s day, about three o’clock in the afternoon, Mr.
Gumbleton said to him,
“Ned,” said he, “go take Modderaroo down to black Falvey, the
horse-doctor, and bid him look at her knees; for Doctor Jenkinson, who
rode her home last night, has hurt her somehow. I suppose he thought a
parson’s horse ought to go upon its knees; but, indeed, it was I was
the fool to give her to him at all, for he sits twenty stone if he
sits a pound, and knows no more of riding, particularly after his
third bottle, than I do of preaching. Now mind and be back in an hour
at farthest, for I want to have the plate cleaned up properly for
dinner, as Sir Augustus O’Toole, you know, is to dine here
to-day.—Don’t loiter, for your life.”
“Is it I, sir?” says Ned. “Well, that beats any thing; as if I’d stop
out a minute!” So, mounting Modderaroo, off he set.
Four, five, six o’clock came, and so did Sir Augustus and lady
O’Toole, and the four misses O’Toole, and Mr. O’Toole, and Mr. Edward
O’Toole, and Mr. James O’Toole, which were all the young O’Tooles that
were at home, but no Ned Sheehy appeared to clean the plate, or to lay
the table-cloth, or even to put dinner on. It is needless to say how
Mr. and Mrs. Dick Gumbleton fretted and fumed; but it was all to no
use. They did their best, however, only it was a disgrace to see long
Jem the stableboy, and Bill the gossoon that used to go of errands,
waiting, without any body to direct them, when there was a real
baronet and his lady at table; for Sir Augustus was none of your
knights. But a good bottle of claret makes up for much, and it was not
one only they had that night. However, it is not to be concealed that
Mr. Dick Gumbleton went to bed very cross, and he awoke still crosser.
He heard that Ned had not made his appearance for the whole night; so
he dressed himself in a great fret, and, taking his horsewhip in his
hand, he said,
“There is no farther use in tolerating this scoundrel; I’ll go look
for him, and if I find him, I’ll cut the soul out of his vagabond
body! so I will.”
“Don’t say so, Dick, dear,” said Mrs. Gumbleton (for she was always a
mild woman, being daughter of fighting Tom Crofts, who shot a couple
of gentlemen, friends of his, in the cool of the evening, after the
Mallow races, one after the other,) “don’t swear, Dick, dear,” said
she; “but do, my dear, oblige me by cutting the flesh off his bones,
for he richly deserves it. I was quite ashamed of Lady O’Toole,
yesterday, I was, ’pon honour.”
Out sallied Mr. Gumbleton; and he had not far to walk, for, not more
than two hundred yards from the house, he found Ned lying fast asleep
under a ditch (a hedge,) and Modderaroo standing by him, poor beast,
shaking every limb. The loud snoring of Ned, who was lying with his
head upon a stone as easy and as comfortable as if it had been a bed
of down or a hop-bag, drew him to the spot, and Mr. Gumbleton at once
perceived, from the disarray of Ned’s face and person, that he had
been engaged in some perilous adventure during the night. Ned appeared
not to have descended in the most regular manner; for one of his shoes
remained sticking in the stirrup, and his hat, having rolled down a
little slope, was imbedded in green mud. Mr. Gumbleton, however, did
not give himself much trouble to make a curious survey, but with a
vigorous application of his thong, soon banished sleep from the eyes
of Ned Sheehy.
“Ned!” thundered his master in great indignation,—and on this
occasion it was not a word and blow, for with that one word came half
a dozen: “Get up, you scoundrel,” said he.
Ned roared lustily, and no wonder, for his master’s hand was not one
of the lightest; and he cried out, between sleeping and waking—“O,
sir!—don’t be angry, sir!—don’t be angry, and I’ll roast you
easier—easy as a lamb!”
“Roast me easier, you vagabond!” said Mr. Gumbleton; “what do you
mean?—I’ll roast you, my lad. Where were you all night?—Modderaroo
will never get over it.—Pack out of my service, you worthless
villain, this moment; and, indeed, you may be thankful that I don’t
get you transported.”
“Thank God, master dear,” said Ned, who was now perfectly
awakened—“it’s yourself, any how. There never was a gentleman in the
whole country ever did so good a turn to a poor man as your honour
has been after doing to me: the Lord reward you for that same. Oh! but
strike me again, and let me feel that it is yourself, master
dear;—may whisky be my poison—”
“It will be your poison, you good-for-nothing scoundrel,” said Mr.
Gumbleton.
“Well, then, may whiskey be my poison,” said Ned, “if ’twas not I
was—in the blackest of misfortunes, and they were before me,
whichever way I turned ’twas no matter. Your honour sent me last
night, sure enough, with Modderaroo to mister Falvey’s—I don’t deny
it—why should I? for reason enough I have to remember what happened.”
“Ned, my man,” said Mr. Gumbleton, “I’ll listen to none of your
excuses: just take the mare into the stable and yourself off, for I
vow—”
“Begging your honour’s pardon,” said Ned, earnestly, “for interrupting
your honour; but, master, master! make no vows—they are bad things: I
never made but one in all my life, which was, to drink nothing at all
for a year and a day, and ’tis myself repinted of it for the clean
twelvemonth after. But if your honour would only listen to reason:
I’ll just take in the poor baste, and if your honour don’t pardon me
this one time may I never see another day’s luck or grace.”
“I know you, Ned,” said Mr. Gumbleton. “Whatever your luck has been,
you never had any grace to lose: but I don’t intend discussing the
matter with you. Take in the mare, sir.”
Ned obeyed, and his master saw him to the stables. Here he reiterated
his commands to quit, and Ned Sheehy’s excuse for himself began. That
it was heard uninterruptedly is more than I can affirm; but as
interruptions, like explanations, spoil a story, we must let Ned tell
it his own way.
“No wonder your honour,” said he, “should be a bit angry—grand
company coming to the house and all, and no regular serving-man to
wait, only long Jem; so I don’t blame your honour the least for being
fretted like; but when all’s heard, you will see that no poor man is
more to be pitied for last night than myself. Fin Mac Coul never went
through more in his born days than I did, though he was a great
joint (giant,) and I only a man.
“I had not rode half a mile from the house, when it came on, as your
honour must have perceived clearly, mighty dark all of a sudden, for
all the world as if the sun had tumbled down plump out of the fine
clear blue sky. It was not so late, being only four o’clock at the
most, but it was as black as your honour’s hat. Well, I didn’t care
much, seeing I knew the road as well as I knew the way to my mouth,
whether I saw it or not, and I put the mare into a smart canter; but
just as I turned down by the corner of Terence Leahy’s field—sure
your honour ought to know the place well—just at the very spot the
fox was killed when your honour came in first out of a whole field of
a hundred and fifty gentlemen, and may be more, all of them brave
riders.”
(Mr. Gumbleton smiled.)
“Just then, there, I heard the low cry of the good people wafting upon
the wind. ‘How early you are at your work, my little fellows!’ says I
to myself; and, dark as it was, having no wish for such company, I
thought it best to get out of their way; so I turned the horse a
little up to the left, thinking to get down by the boreen, that is
that way, and so round to Falvey’s; but there I heard the voice
plainer and plainer close behind, and I could hear these words:—
‘Ned! Ned!
By my cap so red!
You’re as good, Ned,
As a man that is dead.’
‘A clean pair of spurs is all that’s for it now,’ said I; so off I
set, as hard as I could lick, and in my hurry knew no more where I was
going than I do the road to the hill of Tarah. Away I galloped on for
some time, until I came to the noise of a stream, roaring away by
itself in the darkness. ‘What river is this?’ said I to myself—for
there was nobody else to ask—‘I thought,’ says I, ‘I knew every inch
of ground, and of water too, within twenty miles, and never the river
surely is there in this direction.’ So I stopped to look about; but I
might have spared myself that trouble, for I could not see as much as
my hand. I didn’t know what to do; but I thought in myself, it’s a
queer river, surely, if somebody does not live near it; and I shouted
out as loud as I could, Murder! murder!—fire!—robbery!—any thing
that would be natural in such a place—but not a sound did I hear
except my own voice echoed back to me, like a hundred packs of hounds
in full cry above and below, right and left. This didn’t do at all; so
I dismounted, and guided myself along the stream, directed by the
noise of the water, as cautious as if I was treading upon eggs,
holding poor Modderaroo by the bridle, who shook, the poor brute, all
over in a tremble, like my old grandmother, rest her soul any how! in
the ague. Well, sir, the heart was sinking in me, and I was giving
myself up, when, as good luck would have it, I saw a light. ‘May be,’
said I, ‘my good fellow, you are only a jacky lantern, and want to bog
me and Modderaroo.’ But I looked at the light hard, and I thought it
was too study (steady) for a jacky lantern. ‘I’ll try you,’ says
I—‘so here goes; and, walking as quick as a thief, I came towards it,
being very near plumping into the river once or twice, and being stuck
up to my middle, as your honour may perceive cleanly the marks of, two
or three times in the slob.[29] At last I made the light out, and it
coming from a bit of a house by the road-side; so I went to the door
and gave three kicks at it, as strong as I could.
“‘Open the door for Ned Sheehy,’ said a voice inside. Now, besides
that I could not, for the life of me, make out how any one inside
should know me before I spoke a word at all, I did not like the sound
of that voice, ’twas so hoarse and so hollow, just like a dead
man’s!—so I said nothing immediately. The same voice spoke again, and
said, ‘Why don’t you open the door to Ned Sheehy?’ ‘How pat my name is
to you,’ said I, without speaking out, ‘on tip of your tongue, like
butter;’ and I was between two minds about staying or going, when what
should the door do but open, and out came a man holding a candle in
his hand, and he had upon him a face as white as a sheet.
“‘Why, then, Ned Sheehy,’ says he, ‘how grand you’re grown, that you
won’t come in and see a friend, as you’re passing by?’
“‘Pray, sir,’ says I, looking at him—though that face of his was
enough to dumbfounder any honest man like myself—‘Pray, sir,’ says I,
‘may I make so bold as to ask if you are not Jack Myers that was
drowned seven years ago, next Martinmas, in the ford of
Ah-na-fourish?’
“‘Suppose I was,’ says he: ‘has not a man a right to be drowned in the
ford facing his own cabin-door any day of the week that he likes, from
Sunday morning to Saturday night?’
“‘I’m not denying that same, Mr. Myers, sir,’ says I, ‘if ’tis
yourself is to the fore speaking to me.’
“‘Well,’ says he, ‘no more words about that matter now: sure you and
I, Ned, were friends of old; come in, and take a glass; and here’s a
good fire before you, and nobody shall hurt or harm you, and I to the
fore, and myself able to do it.’
“Now, your honour, though ’twas much to drink with a man that was
drowned seven years before, in the ford of Ah-na-fourish, facing his
own door, yet the glass was hard to be withstood—to say nothing of
the fire that was blazing within—for the night was mortal cold. So
tying Modderaroo to the hasp of the door—if I don’t love the creature
as I love my own life—I went in with Jack Myers.
“Civil enough he was—I’ll never say otherwise to my dying hour—for
he handed me a stool by the fire, and bid me sit down and make myself
comfortable. But his face, as I said before, was as white as the snow
on the hills, and his two eyes fell dead on me, like the eyes of a cod
without any life in them. Just as I was going to put the glass to my
lips, a voice—’twas the same that I heard bidding the door be
opened—spoke out of a cupboard that was convenient to the left-hand
side of the chimney, and said, ‘Have you any news for me, Ned Sheehy?’
“‘The never a word, sir,’ says I, making answer before I tasted the
whisky, all out of civility; and, to speak the truth, never the least
could I remember at that moment of what had happened to me, or how I
got there; for I was quite bothered with the fright.
“‘Have you no news,’ says the voice, ‘Ned, to tell me, from Mountbally
Gumbletonmore; or from the Mill; or about Moll Trantum that was
married last week to Bryan Oge, and you at the wedding?’
“‘No, sir,’ says I, ‘never the word.’
“‘What brought you in here, Ned, then?’ says the voice. I could say
nothing; for, whatever other people might do, I never could frame an
excuse; and I was loath to say it was on account of the glass and the
fire, for that would be to speak the truth.
“‘Turn the scoundrel out,’ says the voice; and at the sound of it, who
would I see but Jack Myers making over to me with a lump of a stick in
his hand, and it clenched on the stick so wicked. For certain, I did
not stop to feel the weight of the blow; so, dropping the glass, and
it full of the stuff too, I bolted out of the door, and never rested
from running away, for as good, I believe, as twenty miles, till I
found myself in a big wood.
“‘The Lord preserve me! what will become of me now!’ says I. ‘Oh, Ned
Sheehy!’ says I, speaking to myself, ‘my man, you’re in a pretty
hobble; and to leave poor Modderaroo after you!’ But the words were
not well out of my mouth, when I heard the dismallest ullagoane in the
world, enough to break any one’s heart that was not broke before, with
the grief entirely; and it was not long till I could plainly see four
men coming towards me, with a great black coffin on their shoulders.
‘I’d better get up in a tree,’ says I, ‘for they say ’tis not lucky to
meet a corpse: I’m in the way of misfortune to-night, if ever man
was.’
“I could not help wondering how a berrin (funeral) should come there
in the lone wood at that time of night, seeing it could not be far
from the dead hour. But it was little good for me thinking, for they
soon came under the very tree I was roosting in, and down they put the
coffin, and began to make a fine fire under me. I’ll be smothered
alive now, thinks I, and that will be the end of me; but I was afraid
to stir for the life, or to speak out to bid them just make their fire
under some other tree, if it would be all the same thing to them.
Presently they opened the coffin, and out they dragged as
fine-looking a man as you’d meet with in a day’s walk.
“‘Where’s the spit?’ says one.
“‘Here ’tis,’ says another, handing it over; and for certain they
spitted him, and began to turn him before the fire.
“If they are not going to eat him, thinks I, like the Hannibals
father Quinlan told us about in his sarmint last Sunday.
“‘Who’ll turn the spit while we go for the other ingredients?’ says
one of them that brought the coffin, and a big ugly-looking blackguard
he was.
“‘Who’d turn the spit but Ned Sheehy?’ says another.
“Burn you! thinks I, how should you know that I was here so handy to
you up in the tree?
“‘Come down, Ned Sheehy, and turn the spit,’ says he.
“‘I’m not here at all, sir,’ says I, putting my hand over my face that
he might not see me.
“‘That won’t do for you, my man,’ says he; ‘you’d better come down, or
may be I’d make you.’
“‘I’m coming, sir,’ says I; for ’tis always right to make a virtue of
necessity. So down I came, and there they left me turning the spit in
the middle of the wide wood.
“‘Don’t scorch me, Ned Sheehy, you vagabond,’ says the man on the
spit.
“‘And my lord, sir, and ar’n’t you dead, sir,’ says I, ‘and your
honour taken out of the coffin and all?’
“‘I ar’n’t,’ says he.
“‘But surely you are, sir,’ says I, ‘for ’tis to no use now for me
denying that I saw your honour, and I up in the tree.’
“‘I ar’n’t,’ says he again, speaking quite short and snappish.
“So I said no more, until presently he called out to me to turn him
easy, or that may be ’twould be the worse turn for myself.
“‘Will that do, sir?’ says I, turning him as easy as I could.
“‘That’s too easy,’ says he: so I turned him faster.
“‘That’s too fast,’ says he; so finding that, turn him which way I
would, I could not please him, I got into a bit of a fret at last,
and desired him to turn himself, for a grumbling spalpeen as he was,
if he liked it better.
“Away I ran, and away he came hopping, spit and all, after me, and he
but half-roasted. ‘Murder!’ says I, shouting out; ‘I’m done for at
long last—now or never!’—when all of a sudden, and ’twas really
wonderful, not knowing where I was rightly, I found myself at the door
of the very little cabin by the road-side that I had bolted out of
from Jack Myers; and there was Modderaroo standing hard by.
“‘Open the door for Ned Sheehy,’ says the voice,—for ’twas shut
against me,—and the door flew open in an instant. In I ran without
stop or stay, thinking it better to be beat by Jack Myers, he being an
old friend of mine, than to be spitted like a Michaelmas goose by a
man that I knew nothing about, either of him or his family, one or the
other.
“‘Have you any news for me?’ says the voice, putting just the same
question to me that it did before.
“‘Yes, sir,’ says I, ‘and plenty.’ So I mentioned all that had
happened to me in the big wood, and how I got up in the tree, and how
I was made come down again, and put to turning the spit, roasting the
gentleman, and how I could not please him, turn him fast or easy,
although I tried my best, and how he ran after me at last, spit and
all.
“‘If you had told me this before, you would not have been turned out
in the cold,’ said the voice.
“‘And how could I tell it to you, sir,’ says I, ‘before it happened?’
“‘No matter,’ says he, ‘you may sleep now till morning on that bundle
of hay in the corner there, and only I was your friend, you’d have
been kilt entirely.’ So down I lay, but I was dreaming, dreaming all
the rest of the night; and when you, master dear, woke me with that
blessed blow, I thought ’twas the man on the spit had hold of me, and
could hardly believe my eyes, when I found myself in your honour’s
presence, and poor Modderaroo safe and sound by my side; but how I
came there is more than I can say, if ’twas not Jack Myers, although
he did make the offer to strike me, or some one among the good people
that befriended me.”
“It is all a drunken dream, you scoundrel,” said Mr. Gumbleton; “have
I not had fifty such excuses from you?”
“But never one, your honour, that really happened before,” said Ned,
with unblushing front. “Howsomever, since your honour fancies ’tis
drinking I was, I’d rather never drink again to the world’s end, than
lose so good a master as yourself, and if I’m forgiven this once, and
get another trial——”
“Well,” said Mr. Gumbleton, “you may, for this once, go into
Mountbally Gumbletonmore again; let me see that you keep your promise
as to not drinking, or mind the consequences; and, above all, let me
hear no more of the good people, for I don’t believe a single word
about them, whatever I may do of bad ones.”
So saying, Mr. Gumbleton turned on his heel, and Ned’s countenance
relaxed into its usual expression.
“Now I would not be after saying about the good people what the master
said last,” exclaimed Peggy, the maid, who was within hearing, and
who, by the way, had an eye after Ned: “I would not be after saying
such a thing; the good people, may be, will make him feel the differ
(difference) to his cost.”
Nor was Peggy wrong; for whether Ned Sheehy dreamt of the Fir Darrig
or not, within a fortnight after, two of Mr. Gumbleton’s cows, the
best milkers in the parish, ran dry, and before the week was out,
Modderaroo was lying dead in the stone quarry.