IT was about a week before the Christmas vacation
that my last outbreak at boarding-school occurred.
It was one noon after lunch when I was
passing through the hall on my way upstairs. I had
to go by Sarah Platt's room, where the little clique of
girls I had once longed to be one of, used often to
congregate after luncheon before the two o'clock
study-hour. They were gathered there to-day, talking
and laughing together in their usual mysterious
manner, and I wondered vaguely as I went by, what
they were discussing now. I never allowed myself to
listen intentionally, but the conversation of those girls,
who were still strangers to me, always fascinated me,
and I confess I used to overhear all that I could without
being dishonourable. As I sauntered by the half-closed
door of that room I recognised the voice of
Sarah Platt herself, who of all the girls I had aspired
to make my best friend. Sarah was a dashing
kind of girl and would show off to awfully good advantage
before my family if I had invited her to
visit me.
"Well," I heard her say, "I think Miss Brown is
taking her in on charity."
I knew Sarah must be referring to me and I
stopped stock-still.
"Why, she hasn't anything, and this horrid place is
probably a palace to her!"
I flushed with rage. Palace nothing!
"I think," said a little Jewess by the name of Elsie
Weil, "it's too bad for Gabriella. I'd hate to have
such a room-mate forced on me."
"I don't think Miss Brown ought to take such a
girl in at all and make us who pay a thousand dollars
a year be intimate with a person we never can
know socially," drawled Sarah Platt. "It's hard on
her too," she finished patronisingly.
"Oh, don't mind about me," I breathed, ready to
explode.
"I'm just tired," another girl broke in, "of having
all the teachers, and Miss Brown too, talking and lecturing
to us about being nice to Lucy, Lucy, Lucy all
the time."
"And the spite and scorn that the child puts on
lately," added Sarah, "is perfectly absurd. As if she
had anything to back it up!"
"I know," went on the little Jewess, "her family
can't be much. You can see that. Did you ever
notice the row of old-fashioned family pictures on the
back of her chiffonier?"
At that I caught my breath. My dear good family!
And without waiting to hear another word I flung
open the door. There were six or seven girls before
me crowded together in a bunch on a couch in the
corner. I felt myself grow suddenly calm as I stood
there before them not saying a word, and they staring
back at me as if I were an apparition.
"I heard every single word you said," I began
slowly, "every single word!" Then my thoughts
collected themselves and filed by in the order of soldiers
on parade. "I don't care a straw for your opinions.
I feel above every one of you. It makes me
smile to think I would be the least disturbed by common
and uneducated westerners," for Sarah lived in
Missouri, "or Jews!" I spat at Elsie Weil. "You
needn't any of you trouble about being kind to me. I
don't want your kindness. I'm perfectly indifferent
to every one of you. I am not here on charity; and
as for the pictures on my chiffonier, if you don't like
them, lump them, or else keep your eyes at home." I
knew I was acting unladylike but I was fired up and
couldn't help going on. "My family may not have
fashionable photographs, my clothes may be as ugly
as mud, but if you knew who my older brother is, if
you knew who my father is, if you knew! My father
is president of the Vars & Company Woollen Mills;
my father is a director in the Hilton County Savings
Bank; my father is a state senator; my father—oh, I
shan't tell you all he is, because you haven't got enough
brains to appreciate it. It would be like telling monkies
about Abraham Lincoln!" I stopped just a moment,
but no one spoke. All those girls huddled together
in a bunch just kept on staring as they would at
a rearing horse in a parade, meekly from the sidewalk.
"You don't know about anything but clothes and
theatres. And let me tell you once for all I don't want
anything of any of you." Sarah Platt opened her
mouth to speak. I cut her off short. "Keep still,
Sarah Platt," I said. "Don't you dare address one
word to me!" Oh, I wanted to do something insulting,
like sticking out my tongue, or making an ugly
face. But instead I just said, "And don't one of you
in this room ever assume to speak one word to me as
long as you live!" And I turned, stalked out of the
room, and went straight upstairs.
I don't know how I could have said anything so
horrid as all that, and I seventeen years old, but somehow
it is always easier for me to roll off spiteful things
than anything sweet and kind. I am always less embarrassed
about it. Poor Alec would have been awfully
disappointed to have heard such an outburst from
his sister. Father would have said, "Oh, Lucy!"
The arrogant twins wouldn't have wanted to own me.
Only my dear old chum Juliet Adams would have been
proud. She would have exclaimed, "Bully for you,
Bobs!"
When I reached my room on the next floor, I calmly
opened the door and went in. Gabriella was standing
by her desk. I never shall forget how she looked—perfectly
white and staring at me horribly. I wondered
what ailed her, for she couldn't have heard my
tirade on the floor below.
"What's the matter, Gabriella?" I asked.
"Oh, Lucy," she began, then sank down in a chair
by her desk, leaned forward with her head buried in
her arms, and began to cry dreadfully.
I went over to her.
"Gabriella," I said, sorry for her somehow, for
though she was one of Sarah Platt's clique she had not
been talking about me; she was, after all, my
room-mate, and at least she let me see her cry.
"Please, Gabriella, tell me what it is."
"Miss Brown," she choked, "wants—" she
stopped, then wailed, "you!"
"Me?" I groped blindly. Me? Had my awful
words been telegraphed to Miss Brown's office? Did
she know already? I couldn't follow. Things were
happening too rapidly. "Me, Gabriella," I asked.
"But what for? Please stop crying and tell me."
I could barely catch a few words amidst her violent
sobs.
"My father," she said. (I knew Gabriella's father
had died the winter before when she was away at
school.) "A telegram," she stumbled on, and I
waited, "your father—"
My father!
I went to Gabriella quickly, put my arm about her
and leaned my head down close to hers.
"Listen, Gabriella. Be quiet for just one minute
and answer me. Did you say my father?" and then
in a fresh torrent of sobs I heard her "Yes."
I left her crying there and went down through the
long corridors to Miss Brown's office. I passed Sarah
Platt's room without knowing it. I even passed some
one in the hall but I have no idea who it was. I kept
thinking, "This is your first test. Be ready and don't
break."
Miss Brown was at her desk. She started a little
when she saw me, then smiled—how could she smile—and
said, "Oh, Gabriella found you. Come here,
dear," and she put out her hand. I closed the door
and then backed up against it. I couldn't go near Miss
Brown. I didn't want her tissue-paper sympathy.
"What's happened to my father, Miss Brown?" I
asked. "You can tell me the very worst right off."
She didn't hedge any more.
"He is very, very ill," she replied, going straight to
the point as I liked to have her.
"Does that mean," I said, "that he is—is—" I
couldn't say it—"is worse than very ill?" I finished.
"No," she replied. "No, Lucy. Your father is
still living. I have just called up your brother by
long distance telephone and they want you to come
home immediately. It is your father's heart." Then
she added, looking at me firmly, as if she were upholding
me by the hand: "It is a long trip. You
must be prepared for the worst, Lucy." I didn't answer
and she turned to her desk, picked up a piece of
paper and passed it to me. "Read it," she said. "It
is a telegram for you."
I looked down and these words greeted me like
dear, comforting friends:
"Stand up, Bobbie. Be brave. We need you to
be strong. Alec."
It was just as if my dear brother Alec were suddenly
there like a miracle in the room beside me, and
now, at last, I would not disappoint him.
I looked up at Miss Brown.
"When is there a train?" I asked calmly; but
to myself I was saying over and over again, "Stand
up. Be brave. They need you to be strong."
Miss Brown came over to me, and I must say I've
always liked her from that day to this. She didn't
say anything silly or comforting to me. That would
all have been so useless. She just took my hand
in a man's sort of way and held it firmly a minute in
hers, "Your brother will be proud of you," she said.
That was all, but do you think then I would have
failed?
"We will go upstairs and pack," she added immediately,
and I followed her, bound now to control
myself or die.
I don't know how I ever got started. I only know
there was a confused half-hour of packing, with Miss
Brown helping and Gabriella close by me all the time.
Gabriella couldn't seem to do enough. I saw her
slip her pink kimono into my suit-case; I saw her pin
one of her beautiful pearl bars on my red silk waist.
She got out my new blue suit and brushed it; my new
hat with the red quills; and while I combed my hair,
she laced my new tan shoes. I understood that it
was her way of telling me how sorry she was, for
every once in a while she'd have to stop and cry.
Once she said, "Oh, I am so sorry I've been so mean.
I hope—oh, I do hope you'll come back, Lucy."
But I didn't care now. It was too late. All my
thoughts were with my family who needed me. I
gathered their dear pictures together in a pile and put
them in my suit-case—Father's picture too, but I
didn't trust myself to look at it. Dear Father—but
I didn't dare let myself think, just at first.
I felt in the air that all the girls knew my news
about as soon as I did. Of course they didn't come
near me. Even if I had been popular I don't believe
they would have come. Sorrow somehow builds up
such a barrier, and the one or two girls I met in the
corridors kept close to the other wall and tried to
avoid meeting my eyes. Gabriella and Miss Brown
and the English teacher, whom I had always hated,
saw me off. I begged to take the trip alone and Miss
Brown finally allowed it.
I thought of everything during that journey, and
the more I thought the more I trusted myself to think,
I don't know what made me so clear-headed and fearless,
but I'd run my thoughts right up to any hard
truth, and they wouldn't balk; they'd go right over.
My mother had died when I was so little that I did
not remember it and so this was the first test I had
ever had. Perhaps—oh, perhaps,—I faced it
clearly and squarely—perhaps when I was met at the
station they would tell me that I had come too late.
I knew now that I wouldn't give way. Some great
wonderful strength was in me and I wasn't afraid of
myself. My home-coming was very different from
the one I had planned, but when we drew near to the
familiar old station I just said, "Be strong," and I
knew that I should.
Dr. Maynard was at the station to meet me. The
minute he got hold of my hand he said, "It's all
right. You're not too late."
"That's good," I replied, but somehow I couldn't
feel any more joy than sorrow. I remember, in the
carriage, I asked lots of straight-forward, businesslike
questions and Dr. Maynard answered me in the
same way. There was no hope. The end might come
at any moment. When he stopped before our door
and helped me out, he said, "Bobbie, you're a brave
girl." But I wasn't. I couldn't have cried. I didn't
know how.
I went into the house while Dr. Maynard stopped
to hitch and blanket his horse. I found the twins and
Ruth and Aunt Sarah all in the sitting-room. It
didn't come to my mind then, but now, as I remember
it, it was all very different from the triumphant
entry I had planned. No one jumped up to greet
me, and my new suit and tan shoes and hat with the
quills were all unnoticed even by myself. The twins
came forward and kissed me—not embarrassed as
they usually are, but scarcely realising it. They
didn't say anything, just kissed me and turned away.
Ruth lay prostrate on the couch. She didn't stir at
sight of me and I went up to her and kissed her on the
temple. At that she buried her face deeper into the
cushions and began to sob. Aunt Sarah looked as if
she had been crying for weeks. She sat quietly rocking
by the west window and her big, dyed-out, blue
eyes were swimming in tears, brimming over, and
running down her wrinkled face. It's something
awful to me, to see a grown person cry. It's like an
old wreck at sea, and I just couldn't kiss her. Everybody
so horrible and silent and dismal, was worse
somehow than death, and just for a moment I stood
kind of helpless in the middle of the room. Then
the door into the library opened and I saw my dear
tired, patient Alec, and suddenly his arms were
around me tight, holding me close—close to him and
I heard him murmur, "Good Bobbie, good, brave
Bobbie," and oh, if I can hate people awfully, I can
love them too. When he let me go, he said calmly,
"Don't you want to come and see Father?" and I
followed him upstairs.
Dr. Maynard led me to the side of Father's bed
and I took one of Father's dear, familiar hands in
mine. Alec sat down on the other side and for a
while we three waited silently until Father should
wake up. I wasn't frightened. It all seemed very
natural, and none of the heart-breaking thoughts that
came to me all during the weeks after he left us came
to me then. It really seemed almost beautiful to be
waiting there until Father should wake up. When
finally he opened his eyes and saw me, he smiled, and
pressed my hand a very little. Then he spoke.
"Lucy!" he said; and after a long pause, "Do
you like school?" he asked, just as naturally as if we
were having a nice little talk downstairs.
"Oh, yes, dear Father, I do!" I answered, and
he pressed my hand again. It didn't strike me so
very deeply then that my last word to my father was
a lie, but afterward I used to cry about it for hours
and hours. After a moment my father turned to
Alec, "Stand by the business, my son," he murmured.
And without a moment's hesitation my brother
promised, "I will, Father."
I didn't think Father would say anything more,
for he closed his eyes again, but after a while he
opened them and I saw he was actually noticing my
hat and red waist, and the pearl pin Gabriella had
given me. He smiled and I heard him murmur,
"Pretty!" That was all; and oh, since, I have been
so glad that my new clothes did so much more than I
had ever hoped. For that was the last word my
father said. I felt his hand grow limp in mine, and
just then Dr. Maynard touched my shoulder and led
me quietly away. He told me to lie down on the
bed in the guest-room. I obeyed him and when, a
little later, he came to me I understood the message
in his eyes. I didn't feel the awfulness of it then
nor I didn't have the least inclination to cry. I lay
there very quietly for half an hour, then of my own
accord I got up and went downstairs.
I found Aunt Sarah by the window still crying
without the grace of covering her tear-stained face.
The twins were not there. Ruth jumped up when
I came in and clung to me frantically.
"Aunt Sarah," I asked, annoyed, "why do you sit
there and cry?"
"Unnatural girl," she answered, "have you no
heart, no tears? Don't you know your father has
died?"
At those awful words poor little Ruth clung to me
still tighter and wailed, "Oh, send her away, make
her go off!"
I replied to my aunt, "Aunt Sarah, don't you know
you shouldn't speak like that before Ruth? I'm surprised."
A little later Alec came quietly into the room.
Poor Ruthie flung herself upon him just as she had
upon me, and as he held her and patted her shoulder,
he said, looking at me in a way that made me stronger,
"Lucy, you will find Oliver in the alcove under
the stairs. Go to him and give him something to
do."
Poor Oliver was crying as only a boy of sixteen
who isn't used to it can, I guess—dreadfully uncontrolled.
He was sitting on the leather couch, leaning
forward with his face in his hands. I went straight
over to him and sinking down beside him, put my
arms right around him. Poor Oliver—poor big
broken Oliver! All the hate in my heart for that
cruel twin rolled right away when I felt his great
big body leaning up against me. I loved him just
as if he were my son come home. We sat there
together a long while—just Oliver and I—and
finally when he was a little quieter he managed to
say, "Don't—don't tell Alec and Malcolm—that I—I—"
"Of course I won't, Oliver," I assured him, and
then I added just as if nothing had happened, "My
trunk is still at the station, Oliver. I need it awfully.
Here's the check. It's dark out now. Will you go
down and see about it?"
He looked away and replied in a voice that tried
to sound natural, "Sure, I'll go," and stood up and
blew his nose very hard. I saw him glance into the
mirror over the fireplace. Then, "Will you get my
overcoat and hat?" he asked shamefacedly. When
he went out of the house he had the visor of his cap
pulled well down over his eyes, and his hands shoved
deep into his pockets. We hadn't said a word about
Father.
As for myself, I don't know what was the matter.
I honestly didn't seem to feel a thing. I was just like
a soulless machine. During the three following days
I wrote notes, sent telegrams, saw about a black dress
for Ruth, Aunt Sarah and myself, planned good
nourishing meals for the family, went on errands, and
"picked up" every room in the house, for they certainly
looked awful. I didn't sleep and I wasn't hungry.
I was wound up pretty tight, I guess, for it
took me a long while to run down. On the second
afternoon Dr. Maynard took me out to drive and then
shut me up in my bedroom with the curtains all drawn
tight and a little white sleeping-powder to take in
fifteen minutes if I didn't go to sleep. I took the
powder and stayed awake all night besides. Once
during those blind, confused three days Juliet came
to see me, to tell me how sorry she was I suppose, but
I wasn't glad to have her. I remember I just said,
"Hello, Juliet, how's basket-ball and high school?"
I wasn't glad to see even Tom and Elise. When
Elise held me tight in her arms and whispered, "Poor
little Bobbie!" I felt like a hypocrite, and pulled
away. Every time the door-bell rang and I knew
that it was some one else who had come to try and
comfort us, I wanted to lock myself in my room. My
head ached and my eyes felt like chunks of lead. But
I didn't want sympathy. I didn't need it.
The end came the night after the funeral. It
hadn't occurred to me but that I would go back to
boarding-school after Christmas. We were all in the
sitting-room—all but Aunt Sarah who finally had
stopped crying and was recuperating in her bed upstairs.
Tom and Alec were discussing all sorts of
plans, and I remember that Dr. Maynard, who seemed
to be one of the family now, was there too. I wasn't
following the conversation very closely, and suddenly
I heard Tom say, "Well certainly the sooner
Aunt Sarah packs up, the better."
"Why, who then," I asked, "will take her place?"
Alec looked up.
"What do you mean, Bobbie," he asked. "You'll
be here, won't you?"
"Why, no. I shall be at boarding-school," I replied.
At that Ruth suddenly flopped over on the couch
and began her usual torrent of crying. "I hate Aunt
Sarah! I hate Aunt Sarah! I hate Aunt Sarah!"
she wailed.
"The whole fall was rotten!" put in Malcolm.
"Do you mean to say, Lucy, that you're going back
to that school?" he fired.
"I guess your duty is here, Bobbie, old girl," said
Tom; and Elise got up and came over to my
chair.
"I know how hard it is to give up school," she
said sweetly, "but they do need you, don't they, dear?
Later, perhaps—"
"Well, I must say," interrupted Oliver, who was
master of himself without any doubt now, "if this
isn't the greatest! Look here, Alec," he asked, "do
you intend to allow Bobbie to neglect us in this fashion?"
And Alec, dear Alec, across the room just smiled
and said, looking straight at me, "I am going
to let her do as she thinks best," and his eyes were
full of kindness.
I got up then. My knees were trembling. I
thought at last I was going to break down and cry.
They wanted—oh, finally my family wanted me! I
didn't know whether to trust my voice or not.
"Well," I said a little wobbly, trying to smile back
at Alec, "I'll think it over." And as soon as I could,
I sneaked out of the room, on the pretense of getting
a drink of water. I went into the little back hall
off the kitchen, took an old golf cape that was hanging
there, threw it over my shoulders, and went outdoors.
It didn't seem as if I could get my breath inside
the house. It was dark, the stars had come out,
and I went out of the back gate, walking as hard and
fast as I could. I knew I must do something, for as
wicked as it seems I was almost crazy with happiness,
and I was afraid that at any moment, now at the very
last, I should give up entirely, lie down at the side of
the road and cry and cry. I almost ran as I hurried
along, and all the time I kept saying, "Hold on. Be
strong. Don't let go." Yet I knew the storm was
gathering and I was losing my grip. I didn't plan
to go to Juliet's house, but suddenly I saw it looming
up in front of me, and it occurred to me to stop and
tell Juliet my beautiful good news. So I hurried to
the back door and burst into the kitchen. The
Adams's cook gave an awful start.
"Good Lord!" she exclaimed.
"Hannah," I asked, and my voice was strange and
hoarse, "where's Juliet?"
"Why, at dinner," gasped Hannah, staring at me.
"What is it, Miss Lucy?"
"Tell her to come up to her room," I managed to
say, and in our usual informal way I dashed up the
back stairs to Juliet's room, which I knew so well.
I waited impatiently in the dark and in a minute I
heard Juliet pounding up the stairs. Then I saw her
coming through the hall, her white napkin in her hand.
I grabbed her.
"Juliet," I cried, "Juliet, I'm not going back to
boarding-school! They want me here! I'm so happy
I don't know what to do. It's horrible to be happy
but I am, I am!" And then it struck me so funny
to be happy on such a day that I laughed! I laughed
simply dreadfully. All my pent-up feelings burst
forth then, and I laughed till I cried. I could hear
myself laugh and that made me laugh more, and then
Juliet looked so queer and thunderstruck that that
added to it. Pretty soon Mrs. Adams was there and
they were putting cold water on my face, which struck
me as the hugest joke I ever heard of, for they must
have thought I was hysterical. I laughed so hard
that actually I hadn't enough will or strength left to
stop if I tried—I, who am usually so controlled. I
got down on the floor finally, and then I don't remember
anything more.
When I woke up it must have been hours later, for
I was all undressed lying quietly in Juliet's bed, and
there was Mrs. Adams going out of the door, and
there—yes—there was Dr. Maynard behind her.
There was a low light on the table by the bed and beside
it sat my dear stolid Juliet. I thought at first
I would burst out laughing again to see her sitting
there with her funny little tight pig-tails braided for
the night, with me in her bed getting her sheets all
hot. Just then she looked up.
"Hello, Bob," she said in her commonplace, natural
way. "Want a drink of water?" and she came
over and gave me a little sip out of a glass. I didn't
remember anything then, only that it was good to
have old Juliet around.
"There was no one as nice as you at school,
Juliet," I said.
"I guess that's a merry jest," she replied in her
usual way. She took the glass away and I heard her
go out of the room. I lay there very quietly and
watched the dim light flickering. There was a little
clock somewhere that was ticking quietly.
Then—oh, then I came back to life, and suddenly
the thought of my dear, dear father returned to me.
I began to cry softly for the first time, and finally
fell asleep.
As I sit here this soft spring day and listen for the
noon-whistle on Father's factory to blow, I shall not
wait for the sight of Dixie and the phaeton coming
up the hill, for Alec will be alone and I hate to be reminded
of too many places left empty by Father.
Father had so many favourite chairs. In every room
in the house it seems as if he had his special place.
And his roll-top desk closed and locked, his various
pairs of shoes and slippers which he used to keep
underneath all put away, makes the dear spot look
as if it were for rent. I hate the neat orderly air of
the sitting-room. It seems to be reproaching me.
Father used to love to fill the room with all kinds and
descriptions of papers. Everything, from a folder
left at the front door directed to "The Lady of the
House" to year-old newspapers, Father wanted preserved.
There were three piles of the Scientific Machinist,
four feet high, stacked up in one corner. I
used to beg Father to let me carry off those Scientific
Machinists at least—they collected dust fearfully—but
he wouldn't allow me even to suggest such an
idea. So on my own responsibility one day, I
stealthily took away some of the bottom ones and
packed them in the storeroom. I knew he'd never
miss them and the pile was growing. Every month
I'd clear out the paper case, preferring to annoy the
kindest father a girl ever had to having an untidy
room. I cry when I think of the kind of daughter
I was; I cry and cry in the middle of the night. I
wasn't good! I wasn't good! I write it down for
every one to see. Of course it's too late now, but
I've taken down the muslin curtains from Father's
room, and the lace ones from the sitting-room. Father
never approved of hangings of any kind. I don't allow
the cat in the front of the house. I haven't destroyed
a single folder, pamphlet or catalogue. The
pile of Scientific Machinists I wouldn't move from the
corner for anything in the world.
Oh, Father, if you were only here to be pleased; if
you were only here to scatter papers around; if you
were only here to ring the gong for dinner, call
Ruthie "baby," me "chicken," say "Hello, boys!" to
the twins, and then sit down opposite me, clear your
throat and ask the blessing; if you were here again I
would be a better oldest daughter. I wouldn't tease
for a rubber-tired runabout, for new wallpaper, nor
for that brass bed for my room.
I don't know where you are, nor where my mother
is, but somehow up here in this cupola on a starry
night, when I sit on the window-seat, lie flat back
with my head out of the open window, and look up
into that great dome of a sky, I feel as if you two
may be together somewhere, perhaps seeing me.
But I don't know. There are times when I'm
dreadfully doubtful; there are times that I don't
believe anything. I think I may be an atheist! I
have never discussed the subject with anybody, but
occasionally it comes to me, just as the fear used to
come that I was adopted, that religion is all a lie.
I know I'm a member of the church, and it may be
horribly wicked of me, but once in a while right in
the middle of my prayers at night, I'll stop and think,
"Perhaps no one is hearing me at all."
Really, I wonder sometimes if any other girl ever
had such awful thoughts.