We held our course, after parting
with our friends in the boat, and
were soon at the harbour's mouth.
The breeze continued to freshen, and
the swell to increase. Our little
Wilhelmina now began to give us a
specimen of her qualities as a sea-boat.
Labouring through the curled
and crested seas, creaking, groaning,
vibrating from stem to stern; now
balancing, with her keel half bare, on
the summit of a lofty surge, now deep
in a liquid trough; now kicking up
behind, now running her nose bang
into a bank of water; now pointing
skywards, as if bound to the moon,
and not to Lisbon; now pitching, now
jig-jigging it, she simulated the paces
of a Spanish genet—a great deal of
action, very little progress.
By the time we were clear of the
harbour, and in comparatively smooth
water, the wind had shifted to the
north-west; our course lay south,
and, being sheltered by the land, we
soon exchanged the jig-jigging of our
exit from port for a far more agreeable,
because more equable motion,
as we drove over ocean's swell. It
had already become palpably evident
that none of our military friends were
good sailors. Now, however, they
were all able to stand without holding—all,
I should say, but one unhappy
individual, and that was Mr
Commissary Capsicum, who had been
reduced to a miserable state of disorder
by the active movements of the
brig, and whose actual symptoms
were by no means those of convalescence.
Night closed in. It was past twilight,
yet not wholly dark—in short, that interval
between twilight and perfect
night, for which in English we have no
word, but which the richer language of
Burns expressively designates as "the
gloaming." Little more than enough
of it to fill the sails and give the vessel
way, the wind was soft, and at times
scarcely perceptible. The waves heaved
lazily; the ship surmounted them
with measured rise and fall; and,
though the heavens were overcast, a
light, different from that of day, clear
but faint, was equably diffused on all
sides. The tremulous surface of the
ocean, dark, but distinguishable to the
horizon, was there sharply outlined
against the pale but still luminous
sky.
Since we left port in the morning,
what with showers and spray, wind
and sunshine, I had been more than
once wet through and dry again. The
consequences were now perceptible.
I shivered inwardly. My mind, too,
was ill at ease. After much reflection,
and some self-examination, I
came to this conclusion: that something
was requisite, something was indispensable,
in my actual condition both
of mind and body. What that something
was, did not instantly occur to
me. I asked myself the question
point-blank—I answered it. The
problem was solved: I wanted—a
nightcap. Down I rushed into the
cabin. "Steward, bring me some hot
water and a little brandy."—"Yes,
sir; a glass of hot brandy and water,
sir; coming directly, sir."—"No, no,
steward; that's not what I called for.
Bring the brandy and the hot water
separate. I'll mix for myself."
"Quite right," growled a feeble
voice. It was poor, unhappy, still-very-far-from-perfectly-recovered
Mr
Capsicum's. The falling of the wind
had so far abated the ship's movements,
that his worst symptoms were
now relieved. Still, however, he was
far, very far, from well. Most of the
passengers had turned in; but there,
by lamplight, sat poor Capsicum at
the cabin table, from sheer listlessness,
destitute of sufficient energies to
put himself to bed, a lamentable spectacle.
"Suppose you join me, then," said
I. "Do you good."
"Can't, can't," said he, plaintively.
"Couldn't get it down, if I knew it
would make me well this instant.
Wish I could. I'll see you take
yours, though. That'll be some comfort,
anyhow."
The steward now brought hot
water, half a lemon, lump-sugar,
tumbler half full of capital brandy.—"Here,
steward, you may take the
lemon away with you. Don't want
it."
"Quite right," grunted Capsicum,
who thought himself a connoisseur in
all things eatable and drinkable.
"Quite right; no rum, no lemon."
Spite of his pitiful plight, he now,
con amore, set himself to watch my
operations critically; as if, from the
brewing, he would form an estimate of
my judgment, capabilities, taste, character,
and general attainments.
With the silver tongs I extracted a
lump of crystal sugar, the largest in
the basin. The present "without"
system was not then in vogue, nor
have I adopted it yet. But now there
was a hitch—how to melt the sugar.
In the tumbler it must not go—there
was the brandy: that had been an infringement
of all the laws of potatory
combination. I felt that I was under
observation, and that my character
was at stake. I placed the sugar in
the spoon. "Quite right," said Capsicum.
Yet neither, according to the modern
practice, did I wash the sugar,
half melted, from the spoon into the
tumbler, with a stream of hot water.
That, I submit, is an approximation
to the error of immersing the sugar in
the unmixed brandy. No, no. Holding
the spoon over the tumbler, I
carefully dropped upon the sugar three
drops of the boiling water. It was
enough. The sugar gradually subsided
into a pellucid liquid, which filled
the spoon. Capsicum, who, sick as
he was, still watched my proceedings
with the deepest interest, and with a
patronising air of mild benignity, repeated
his testimonial—"Quite right."
Waiting till the sugar was wholly
dissolved, I then at length infused
sufficient hot water to scald the raw
spirits, then added the sugar. Two
or three stirs sufficed; not a bead
floated on the surface. The mixture
was made—tumbler about half an inch
from full—a "stiff un." Capsicum
raised himself from the table on which
he had been leaning, with folded arms,
like a cat watching a mouse, and gave
a snort of approbation.
"You and that white fellow old acquaintance?"
said Capsicum.
"Our acquaintance," replied I,
"commenced at Falmouth about a
week ago."
"Oh! thought perhaps he was some
family connexion," said Capsicum.
"The connexion is quite recent, as
I tell you," said I; "but I certainly
don't mean to cut it. Hope to dine
with him at headquarters, every day
I'm disengaged."
"Dine with him at headquarters?"
replied Capsicum. "You'll do nothing
of the kind, I can tell you that, sir.
That is, you'll dine with him at my
table; pretty often, too, I trust. Hope
I shall frequently have the pleasure of
seeing you both. But at his own
table, if you're twenty years at headquarters,
you won't dine with him
once; take my word for that. John
Barrymore wouldn't suffer it." Here
was a blow!
"Well, but that's a thing I can't
understand," said I.
"Well then, I must make you understand
it," replied Capsicum. "You
are going out on an appointment as
clerk in John Barrymore's Department.
Isn't it so?" I bowed assent.
"Very well. That white chap does
business in commissariat bills. When
he gets a bill, he's dying to get the
cash. Your Department pays the
cash. Don't you see, my dear sir?
It wouldn't do. It would be utterly
at variance with all the rules of propriety,
for any man in your Department
to be on terms of intimacy with
any man who does business in bills.
Besides, it would be contrary to headquarters
etiquette; everybody would
talk about it. Now," added Capsicum,
with a self-approving air, "now
I've done my duty by John Barrymore.
Noticed you were very thick.
Thought I'd tell you, the first opportunity.
Oh me! oh me!" (sighing,
panting, gasping, pressing his hands
on his stomach, and swaying his head
from side to side,) "how very ill I do,
feel! Such a horrid sensation! a don't-know-howishness—a
sort of a come-overishness!
The exertion of talking
has made me quite bad again. Here,
steward! steward! I must go on
deck this instant." He turned ghastly
green.
"Yet," said I, hoping he would
soon be better, "Mr Gingham, it
seems, can dine with you, without any
breach of propriety."
"Yes, yes, to be sure he can,"
said Capsicum; "and so can you.
Our Department don't finger the cash.
Don't you see? That makes all the
difference. Hope you'll both dine
with me often."
"Shall be very happy," replied I:
"much obliged for your kind invitation.
But still I can't understand.
Mr Gingham has been at headquarters
before, and knows headquarters. He
also knows, I suppose, that your
humble servant is a clerk of the military
chest. Yet it was he himself
who made the proposal that he and I
should campaign together."
"Can't explain that," said Capsicum;
"must leave him to explain
that as he can. Oh! here he comes."
Gingham, before he turned in, had
been on deck, to take a last look at the
weather, to commune with the silent
night, to scrutinise the horizon, to soliloquise
with the clouds, and perhaps
for some better and more solemn purposes:
for Gingham, with all his oddities,
was a man of religious principle,
and of devotional feeling, and cared
not who knew it. He now approached,
and seated himself with us at the
cabin table.
"Saw you at Cadiz," said Capsicum.
"Think I saw you at Madrid."
"I saw you at Canton," coolly replied
Gingham. Capsicum looked a
little queer.
"At Canton?" said Capsicum.
"Saw me at Canton? Did you,
though? Come, come, now you're
joking, you know. Did you though,
really? How was I dressed?"
"You were dressed like what you
were; not exactly as you are dressed
now. You had a long, taper pigtail,
reaching down to your heels; no hair
on your head besides. You had slippers,
scarlet and gold, turned up at
the toes. You carried a fan; and
didn't I once or twice see you followed
by a fellow who carried a parasol over
your head at the top of a long pole?
You had—"
"I'll tell you what," said Capsicum
precipitately; "I'm a Christian for
all that, and my father was an Englishman.
True, I was bred at Canton;
but I wasn't born there. Born
at Macao. My mother—"
Here, in a voice which ran through
all the notes of the gamut, not however
in due order, but like the cat's
minuet, high and low alternately,
Gingham struck up a strange outlandish
sort of utterance, whether
talking or singing I could not tell;
but, if singing, it was the rummest
song I ever heard—a jumping, dissonant
compound of bass and treble.
Capsicum responded in a similar
fugue. The two funny rogues were
speaking Chinese! The discovery of
Capsicum's semi-gentile extraction
tickled my fancy not a little.
"So," said Capsicum to Gingham,
"you and Johnny intend to make a
joint concern of it at headquarters."
"That's how we've settled it," replied
Gingham.
"Can't be," said Capsicum.
"Thought you knew all headquarters'
rules, regulations, and observances."
"Thought I did know something
about them," replied Gingham.
"Well, then," replied Capsicum,
"don't you know what department
young Johnny here belongs to?"
"Your department, the commissariat
department, I always understood,"
replied Gingham; "saw his
name put down so in the list of passengers
per packet at Falmouth. If
Mr Y— will oblige me by referring to
a document, which I had the honour
of handing him before dinner, he will
find himself there designated accordingly."
Sure enough, so it was: "G. Y—,
Esq., Commissary-General's Department,
in A. C., with Gingham Gingham."
"But didn't you happen to know
that Mr Y—, as you call him," said
Capsicum, "was John Barrymore's
own nephew?"
"Of that circumstance I was not
cognisant," replied Gingham, "till I
happened to become aware of it by
the conversation during dinner. Still
I retained my former impression, that
Mr Y— belonged to your department,
not to the military chest."
"The long and the short of it,"
said I to Gingham, "is this. Shirty
here, I am sorry to say, gives me to
understand that, at headquarters, as I
am attached to the military chest, and
not to the commissariat, I cannot have
the pleasure of stretching my legs
under your table, when you give a
spread. My regret is undissembled
and profound."
"Nor," said Gingham, "while we
both retain our present positions, can
we be more than common acquaintance."
The shock of this dénouement was
diverted by Capsicum. Spite of his
sea-sickness he had purpled up; his
eyes flashed and twinkled beneath his
massive and contracted brows; he
growled, he grunted, he wheezed, he
snorted, he puffed; for a time he could
not articulate. Either he performed
admirably, or he was regularly riled.
At length, recovering his breath, not
once looking at me, but leaning over
to Gingham on the table, he whispered
hurriedly, "What does he mean
by that? Shirty? Who's Shirty?"
Again he turned very green, and sat
back in his chair, panting, and swaying
his head, like a man ready to
faint.
I was sorry to see him so ill, and
begged to apologise. He with the
greatest propriety might call me
"Johnny Newcome," yet it ill became
me to call him "Shirty." The name
was casually suggested by his profusion
of frill, &c. &c. &c.
"I'll tell you what, Mr Johnny,"
said Capsicum, "it's well for you I'm
so bad as I am: wish I was better,
for your sake. Wouldn't I pitch into
you at once, and give you a precious
good hiding? Oh dear! oh me! I am
so very bad!" Then, rallying again:
"Ah, I wish you did belong to my
department! Wouldn't I detach you
on outpost duty? Wouldn't I make
you ride till you had no leather left?
Wouldn't I send you bullock-hunting
over the sierras? Oh, dreadful!
dreadful! What a horrid sensation this
sea-sickness is! Well, good night. I
suppose I shall be called Shirty as
long as I live." He tottled off to his
berth.
"Yes, you may say that," said
Joey, from behind his curtain. Joey
was right. Ten years after, I heard
an old Peninsular speak of Capsicum
by the name of Shirty.
There is certainly something very
adhesive in a sobriquet; that is, if it
happens to stick when first applied.
A lubberly big boy once gave me a
thrashing at school; and I gave him
the only redress in my power, as
we were not allowed to throw stones—the
name of "Buttons." He had
cheated me at the game; and he had
many on his jacket. "Buttons" was
his name, to his dying day.
Gingham and I remained at the
table. "Mr Capsicum is quite
right," said Gingham. "Very proper
it should be so. Not the less
sorry on that account. At Lisbon,
you will, in fact, have joined. From
the time we land, then, our communications
must be limited to the ordinary
civilities of social life: until," he
added, with a confidential look,
"having digested my grand financial
project, with Lisbon as the basis of
my operations, I am prepared to promulgate
it, as authorised, at the
headquarters of the British army.
Then," said he, proudly, "I shall
take such an entirely different footing,
so high above the vulgar imputations
which always attach to a
dealer in bills, that, without exposing
either you or myself to criticism, I
may again permit myself the pleasure
of cultivating your acquaintance, on
our present terms of friendship—I
may say, intimacy. At any rate,
while we remain on board the packet,
that intimacy, I trust, will experience
no diminution. Good night, sir."
We shook hands: his manner, I
thought, a little stiff.
Left alone in the cabin, leaning on
the table, the night-lamp shedding a
dim and dubious light, my small
modicum of brandy-and-water expended,
and the time gone by for
brewing another, as the steward had
turned in, I sat and ruminated.
Gingham, watching his opportunity,
had benevolently endeavoured to
make me sensible, that, as a clerk on
actual service, I should soon be engaged
in duties which could not be
performed to my own credit, without
care and circumspection; and that I
might find myself, ere long, in some
responsible situation, demanding the
utmost caution and energy, to compensate
my inexperience. Since the morning,
for we had been much together during
the day, through his friendly suggestions,
I had, in a measure, become
conscious of all this: I was beginning
to feel the value of such a monitor;
and now, it appeared, he was lost to
me in that character! Then there
were other considerations of a deeper
kind. I remembered the dinner at
the hotel; I remembered the breakfast;
I thought of the travelling
store-closet. To have lost such a
companion of my first campaign—it
was, indeed, a loss! Had I never
dined with him, I could have better
borne it!
At length I came to this conclusion;
that, as all the other passengers
had retired to rest, I—had better
do the same. I was about to put my
decision in execution, when my attention
was arrested by a lamentable
cry, which issued from the berth of
poor Mr Commissary Capsicum. "I
can't—I can't—I'm stuck!—weak as
a rat! Oh, I am so very bad! Here,
steward! steward!—ah! oh!" Having
heard his monody to the end, and
waited in vain for a second stave, I
flew to his assistance.
Poor Mr Commissary Capsicum
had contrived to divest himself of his
diurnal habiliments; and was now
embellished with a red bonnet de nuit;
and an elegant night-shirt, which fitted—as
if it had been made for him.
I found him—in what an attitude!
One leg he had contrived to hoist
into his berth. Quoad that leg, he
was kneeling on the mattress. The
other leg was stretched towards the
floor, which he barely touched with
his extended and agonised toe. In
this painful position, he was clawing
with both hands at the board intended
to keep him in bed, equally
unable to advance and to recede.
Something—either the wooden tester—or
the proximity of his shake-down
to the deck above—or what else, I
cannot pretend to say—prevented his
further movements. He wanted
strength; there he was, literally, as
he expressed it, stuck. I expressed
the deepest sympathy.
Joey whipped on his drawers and
dressing-gown, and was with us in a
twinkling. Joey, seeing all other
expedients vain, brought his shoulder
to bear, and commenced a series of
well-directed hoists, each hoist accompanied
with a musical "Yeo-heave-ho."
I laughed; Joey laughed; poor
Capsicum himself caught the infection:
his whining and whimpering
gradually glided into a deep pectoral
chuckle. The object was at length
effected. Capsicum was stowed for
the night; but not without vigorous
and long-continued efforts, both on
Joey's part and mine. "Can't imagine
what caused the obstruction,"
said I; "it's prodigious; it's incredible."
"Incredible, but true," replied
Joey; "suppose we call it 'A
tail founded on facts.'" "Good
night. Good night, Mr Capsicum."
"Good night, Mr Capsicum; good
night." "Good night; ah! oh!
what shall I do? Suppose I should
be taken bad again before morning!
Thank you both. Goodnight. Two
impudent, unfeeling young hounds.
Good night."
So terminated our first day afloat.
It has been intelligently remarked,
that, in writing travels by land or by
sea, the traveller has only to jot down
everything just as it occurs, and he
will be sure to produce a book worth
reading. This rule may be excellent
in theory; but, gentle reader, it will
not do. Only look here. I have not
jotted down one tithe of the incidents
of the first ten hours since we left harbour;
and see what a long yarn it
makes. A man who, in travelling,
really registered everything, would
yarn away at the rate of a quarto a
week.
There is, however, an observation
which is much more to the purpose;
namely, that one day at sea is very
like another. This we certainly
found out, in our voyage from Falmouth
to Lisbon. For, with the
exception of changes in wind and
weather, little occurred to vary our
daily existence; at least till we got
off Oporto, and took in fresh passengers.
During the first night after we
left Falmouth, the wind got round to
the S.W. We had three days of it,
regular Channel weather: thick,
cloudy, squally—much rain—the ship
pitching, labouring, creaking, straining,
groaning—going every way but
the way we wanted to go—all the
passengers, except Joey, more or less
indisposed—and nobody pleased but
the skipper, who whistled a perpetual
"Yankee doodle" rondo, and seemed
to exult in our miseries. "I calculate,"
said Joey, "if this lasts much
longer, we shall come to anchor in the
Downs." For want of anything to
relate, and for the benefit of the
reader, should he cross "the Bay," I
shall here beg leave to say a few
words respecting that horrid malady
to which landsmen are subject on
board ship, and respecting my own
mode of dealing with it. Experto
crede.
My case resembles that of many
other persons; i.e., in foul weather
on board ship, you do not, we will
say, at once get thoroughly ill; but
certain disagreeable sensations, quite
sufficient to call a man's attention to
himself, such as giddiness, prostration
of strength, awful depression of the
whole system, and still more awful
sensations at the pit of the stomach,
induce the painful consciousness that
you are very, very far from well, and
in some danger of being worse before
you are better. In this state of the
case, the "indication," as the doctors
say, is to keep off daddy Neptune's
last outrage, the detested crisis.
Don't give ear to the good-natured
friend who says, "You had better be
ill at once, and get it over." That
may do very well in a sail from West
Cowes to Allum Bay; but it won't
answer if you are a fortnight at sea.
You may be "ill at once," if you
please; but don't be certain "you'll
get it over;" if once you begin, you
may go on for a week. Keep well,
then, if you can.
Now, as long as you can keep your
legs, and keep on deck, you can generally
effect this. In your berth, also,
in a recumbent posture, you may
manage to escape the dire catastrophe.
The real difficulty is this:
that, in passing from one of these
states to the other, e.g., in turning in
at night, or turning out in the morning,
in all human probability you become
a miserable victim. You must
dress—you must undress—and, in the
course of doffing or donning, ten to
one your worst apprehensions become
a reality. What, then, is the remedy?
Now, don't stare, but be advised.
Till you are fairly seasoned, which
you probably will be in three or four
days if you do as I tell you, don't doff
or don at all. Keep on deck all day,
get thoroughly cold, tired, and drowsy,
rush below at night, throw yourself
on your mattress as you are, go to
sleep at once. In the morning, the
moment you turn out, rush on deck.
No shaving; no titivating. You
must wash, must you? Go forwards,
then; wash in the open air; wash
anywhere but below. "Beastly,
though, to go day after day without
a change." Beastly, I admit; but
not so beastly as day after day of
convulsive paroxysms and horrid
heavings; and, depend upon it, if
once you begin, there is no telling
how long it may last. Whereas follow
my plan, and in three or four
days you are all right—you are seasoned—the
ship may dance a polka,
and you not the worse for it. You
may then go below, and stay below,
with perfect impunity—treat yourself
to a grand universal scrub and a clean
shirt—and, if you are a shaver, shave—only
remember you are shaving on
board ship, and mind you don't cut
off your nose. After all, it's a matter
of taste, I admit: and tastes are
various. If you consider a three-days'
shirt, and a rough chin, greater evils
than vomitory agonies, and spasms
of the diaphragm, why, do as you
like; shave, titivate, change, your
linen, and retch your heart up.
During the three days of foul
weather, wind S.W., I contrived to
keep about, by following the method
indicated above. On the fourth, the
wind returned to the N.W., with an
occasional brash of rain; and we
were again able to hold our course.
I was then myself again, past the
power of sea-sickness; and could walk
the deck with Joey, cast accounts
with Gingham, sit out the dinner
without declining soup, respectfully
ogle the lovely Juno, and occasionally
extort a giggle. On the morning of
this same day, impelled by curiosity,
I approached the berth where lay deposited
the unhappy Capsicum, and
drew his curtain. Ah! is that Capsicum?
Alas, how changed! He
looked like death. I spoke to him.
His lips moved, but his voice was inaudible.
I felt his pulse. It was
scarcely perceptible. He was in a
state of collapse!
Deeming the exigency cogent, I
fetched Mr Staff-surgeon Pledget.
Pledget, after due examination, pronounced
it a serious case, prescribed
a restorative, departed to compound,
and soon came back with it—only
about half a pint. With some difficulty,
poor Capsicum was got up in
his berth, and the restorative was got
down. Anticipating recalcitration,
Pledget had come provided with a
small horn. Having swallowed the
dose, Capsicum found his voice.
"Ah me!" he feebly whined, with a
look of inexpressible horror and disgust,
and his hand pressed upon the
pit of his stomach; "ah me! is it an
aperient?" Then, in a low and indignant
growl, "Never took physic before,
in all my life." He lay back on
his bolster, with closed eyes, in feeble
and sulky silence. Pledget withdrew,
and I remained.
Presently, reopening his eyes, he
cautiously looked around. "Is that
fellow gone?" he whispered. I nodded.
"Look in the cabin," he whispered
again.
"Gone on deck," said I; "not
quite right yet, himself. Do you want
him? Shall I call him back?"
"No, no; nonsense! I say, you
mix me a glass of that—you know
what—the same you took yourself
t'other night."
I hesitated. There was no doubt
in the world it would do him a deal
of good. But then he was under
treatment; he was medically ill.
What was I to do?
He looked at me appealingly,
coaxingly, touchingly. "I'd do as
much for you," said he.
There was no standing that. I
clancularly gave my orders to the
steward. The steward grinned, and
brought the materials. In due time
the mixture was made; and, in a very
short time after, the patient had stowed
it away. "I shall get up," said he.
"Just help me out." I sent the
steward to request the aid of Joey.
By unshipping the board at the side,
we got Capsicum out of his crib, far
more easily than we had got him in.
But, alas, his legs doubled under him;
he was helpless as an infant, and almost
fainted away. At length we
managed to dress him; and seated
him in full fig at the cabin table, with
his enormous snuff-box open before
him. At dinner, that day, he managed
the wing of a chicken and a slice of
tongue. Couldn't a currant dumpling,
though—was set against it by the
wine sauce. Pledget had the credit
of the cure.
I omit to relate, in extenso, how we
were chased by what we took for an
American sloop of war, but what
proved to be an English frigate; how
the arm-chest was got upon deck when
we expected to be brought to action;
and how the muskets were found, like
poor Capsicum, stuck—rusted together
into a mass, for want of looking
after; how badly the said frigate
threw her shot, sending the first,
which ought to have gone ahead of us,
slap through our topsail, and the second,
which should have been a more
direct communication, half a quarter
of a mile wide; how the Major
and Captain Gabion saw the said shot
as they were coming, while I saw
nothing but the splash in the water;
how our leisure hours were solaced by
two combative drakes, shut up together
in the same coop, which fought
incessantly, day and night, from the
beginning to the end of the voyage—if
you held a lantern to them in the
dark, they were still fighting; how,
when one hen laid an egg, the others
pecked at it, and gobbled it up; how
the skipper was rude to everybody
on board—to the Major, it appeared,
grossly so. These particulars, with
many others, I defer to my quarto
edition.
Yet let me not omit the skipper's
confidence to Joey; how he thought
passengers should be victualled on
board ship. "Fust, good flabby pea-soup,
as thick as batter—plenty on it—let
'em blow out their jeckits with
that. When it's took away, why, then
perpose a glass of bottled porter all
round. Fust dinner aboard; won't it
make some on 'em bolt?"
Perhaps, my dear madam, the best
way of giving you a general idea of
our voyage, will be to present you
with a description of our mode of life
from day to day. The rule with our
military friends was, to take fun out
of everything; and they proved themselves
perfect adepts in all the means
and methods, thereto available;
hoaxing, quizzing, shaving, imitating,
trotting, cajoling, bamboozling. Pledget
could not make it out—wondered
what it all meant; and one day
gravely asked me, if I could explain
the nature and cause of laughter.
Laughter he viewed as a psychological
problem; we had plenty on board;
but he could not solve it. The best
thing was, that Pledget himself
caught the infection at last, and began
to laugh. It was curious to
watch the first stirrings of nascent
humour in Pledget's mind. Towards
the close of the voyage he had actually,
though by slow degrees, concocted
a joke; and, had our passage
been to the West Indies, and not to
Lisbon, he would perhaps have got
so far as to try it on. The victim of
the said joke was to be Capsicum.
Capsicum's birth at Macao, and breeding
at Canton, had transpired through
Joey. Pledget's primary idea was,
that Capsicum might possibly have a
penchant for a dish of stewed puppies.
This bold, ingenious, and comical
conception, as he fed on it from hour
to hour, and from day to day, in
about three days' time began to grow
in his mind; and, as it grew, it ramified.
From one thing to another, at
length it came to this: that, with my
co-operation, Joey's, and the steward's,
Capsicum was to be persuaded
that a batch of puppies had actually
been littered on board. Capsicum,
kept momentarily cognisant of the
progress of Pledget's plot, by the
treachery of those to whom it was
confided, was prepared to humour the
joke, whenever Pledget commenced
operations. Pledget, big with his
own idea, walked the deck for hours
together, rubbing his hands in an
ecstasy, and laughing till he whimpered.
When Joey or I took a turn,
he was soon by our side, screeching
in a rapidly ascending gamut, with
pungent delight, and much cachinnation,
"Puppies! puppies! Oh, sir,
won't they be nice? Poor old Capsicum!—puppies!
puppies!"
The day before we made the coast
of Spain, I was fairly "trotted."
You must know, I fancied in those
days I could sing. Item, my dear
father had brought home, from the
Peninsula, some very pretty Portuguese
airs, of the kind called modinhas—which
modinhas I had at my
fingers' ends. Now, there are two
very distinct ideas, which young
people are apt to confound. If they
happen to know a pleasing song, they
fancy themselves pleasing singers:
often quite the reverse; the finer the
song, the fouler the butchery. I wish
singing was visible, and not audible;
for then we could keep it out by
shutting our eyes. Well, this is how
it was: leaning, as I was wont,
over the ship's side, my face to the
horizon, my back to the company, I
won't pretend to say that I exactly
sang for their benefit: oh no; I sang,
as I had right to do, for my own
amusement; though I certainly did
sing loud enough to be heard, without
being listened to. Presently by my
side leaned Captain Gabion. I ceased.
He hummed a mellifluous song of
Lusitania.
"Pity the Lisbon music-sellers
don't print their music," said he;
"Write it all. Quite a fuss, sometimes,
to get a song you fancy."
"That explains something I never
understood before," said I. "All
the songs I have received from Portugal
are in manuscript. Pray, what
is a modinha, strictly speaking?"
"Why, a modinha," replied he, "in
common parlance, means any song
that you happen to like. Modinha:
a little mode; a little fashion; any
little fashionable song. But the grand,
regular music of the Portuguese—oh!
that's magnificent—their church
music for instance. You must know,
once a-year, in one of the Lisbon
churches, they sing a grand mass for
the souls of deceased musicians. Of
course, on such an occasion, all the
living forces of the musical world are
put in requisition. The last time
I was at Lisbon, I attended—advise
you, as a musical man, to do the same.
Oh! wasn't that a grand harmonious
crash? Extraordinary fellows, some
of those singing monks and friars!
Fancy one whole side of an immense
church, from the floor to the roof, a
grand bank of chorus-singers, as high
as Shakspeare's Cliff; each bellowing
like a bull; yet each with a voice as
finely modulated as the richest violoncello,
touched by a master's hand.
Then there was one fellow, a bass, who
stood up to sing a solo. Never heard
anything like that. He struck off, deep
down in his throat—yes, sir; and
deeper down in the scale, too, than I
ever heard any man go before—with
a grand magnificent double shake,
like—like—like the flutter of an eagle.
Then down—down—down the villain
dropped, four notes lower, and
gave such another. I advised him
to go to England. His name was
Naldi. But let me see—oh—we were
talking about modinhas. Why, sir,
the fact is this—if you want to hear
what I call the vernacular basis of
the modinha, you must go up among
the hills, a few leagues out of Lisbon."
"I suppose," said I, "my best plan
will be to go by the mail."
"Yes," replied he; "any one in
Lisbon will show you the booking
office: unless, by the bye, you prefer
palanquin, in which case I would
advise you to order relays of black
bearers from Jigitononha; or, you
might do it on two donkeys. Well,
sir; when you're up there in the
mountains, among the goats, wolves,
wild buffaloes and rhododendrons, the
altitude about corresponding to latitude
66° N. in Europe, and to—let
me see—latitude—say latitude 50° in
the United States—of course you'll
feel hungry. Step into the first hotel.
But I'd advise you—don't order three
courses; you'll find it come expensive;
better rough it with something light—say
a beef-steak and a bottle of port.
That buffalo beef, capital. Port—let
me see—are you particular in your
port? Better ask for the Algarve
sort. Well, sir; after you have dined,
just step out into the village—walk
into the first wine-shop. You'll probably
find half-a-dozen peasants there—big,
muscular, broad-chested, good-humoured-looking
fellows—goatherds
and all that kind of thing. Look out
for the chap with the guitar—you'll be
sure to find him in the wine-shop;
order a quart tumbler of wine—just
taste it yourself—then hand it to him—and
tell him to play. The moment
he has tossed off the tipple, he begins
tinkling. The other six fellows stand
up; throw back their shoulders; bulge
out their chests; and begin smirking,
winking their little black eyes, snapping
their fingers, and screwing their
backs in such an extraordinary manner
as you never beheld—all in
cadence to the guitar. That's the
first access of the musical œstrum.
The guitar goes on—strum—strum—strum—a
low monotonous jingle, just
two or three chords. That's the accompaniment
to the singing that's
about to begin. At length, one of the
fellows commences—air and words
both extempore; perhaps something
amatory, Minha Maria, minha querida;
or, it may be, something satirical, if
they see anything quizzable—something
about yourself. While that
first fellow is singing, the chap next
him stands, still winking, screwing,
smirking, snapping his fingers; and
begins, as soon as the other has done.
So it goes on, till all the half-dozen
have had their turn. But the curious
thing is this: though all the songs are
different, different in the tema, different
in the style, different in the
compass of voice, different in the pitch,
different in the words, the same accompaniment
does duty for all: the
chap with the guitar goes on, just
tinkling the same chords, till the whole
is finished. Then, if you want it da
capo, give him another tumbler of
wine. If you've had enough, why,
then, you know, you can just fork out
a moidore or two, tell them to divide
it, and take your leave,—that is, if
you don't want to see the fight for the
money: but that's not worth your
while; mere rough and tumble, with
a little knifing. Only mind; don't
give dollars or patacas. They prefer
gold."
I really thought I was now trotting
Captain Gabion, who was a musical
amateur. Villain! he was operating
to clap the saddle on me, in a way I
little suspected. "Then," said I,
"each of these fellows, I suppose, has
sung a modinha."
"Why, no; not exactly that,
neither," said the Captain. "I'll tell
you. Curious sort of music it is,
though; the national music, in fact.
When you see one of those big athletic
fellows expanding his chest, sucking
his breath, his whole pulmonary region
heaving, labouring with the song he is
going to sing, why, of course you'd
expect him to break out like a clap of
thunder. But, instead of that, forth
comes from his big throat a very
mouse-like issue of those mountain
throes; an attenuated stream, not
altogether unmusical though, of
growling, grunting, squeaking cadences—for
the compass of their voices
is perfectly astonishing—a string of
wild and rapid trills, very short notes,
very long notes, mostly slurred, never
staccato; and, if you should happen
to notice, similar, in its intervals, to
the music of Scotland. With your
musical knowledge, of course you
understand what I mean by intervals.
Well, sir; that sort of mountain music
is what I call the national basis of the
Portuguese modinha. Take one of
those wild airs, arrange it scientifically,
with suitable symphonies, accompaniment,
and all that sort of
thing—no difficulty to you—the modinha
is then complete."
This was by no means a bad theory
of the modinha of those days; an
Italian graft upon the native stock; a
scientific modification of the music of
the peasantry; so wild, so expressive,
so sweet, so thrilling, never have I
heard songs to compare with those old
modinhas. Once, at a party in the
house of a Lisbon lady, we persuaded
her married daughter to sing; a
round, fat, rosy-brunette little dump
of a woman, famous for singing modinhas.
She kindly took her guitar,
spat in her handkerchief, and gave us
them in such style as I have never
but once heard since—and then the fair
vocalist was not a Portuguese. What
rich expression, what rises and falls,
what rapid execution, what accurate
intonation, what power, what tenderness,
what point, in that soft, flexible,
delicate, yet rich, full, brilliant, and
highly-cultivated voice! Alas, the
modinha of that day is rapidly passing
into oblivion. It has yielded in Lisbon
society to a new style of songs, still
called modinhas, the words generally
native, as they used to be; but the
music, modern Italian—utterly destitute
of sentiment; a constant
straining at effect, and a constant
failure.
"I understand," said I, "that in
every part of the Peninsula you meet
with a kind of songs that may be
called local."
"Yes," said the Captain; "all, if
I may so say, provincial; all peculiar;
all highly characteristic; and all
excellent. Even the occasional songs
are good as compositions; that is to
say, songs which refer to politics, passing
events, and so forth. Did you
ever hear this?" He gave Ya vienen
los Ingleses.
"Very pleasing, and very lively,"
said I. "This is in the same style."
I began to strike up Quando el Pepe
José.
"Don't let's have any more Spanish,"
said the Captain. "Sing
something Portuguese." I gave Os
soldados do comercio.
"Quite humorous," said he, "but
very pleasing music. This is the
Portuguese national song." He gave
Eis, Principe excelso.
"Some of the satirical songs," said
I, "are very well set." I gave Estas
senhoras da moda. The Captain, I
observed, looked at his watch. Little
dreamt I the traitor was working
against time.
"This, now," said he, "is what
may be called the sentimental style;
short, but expressive, like the serious
epigram of the Greek Anthology."
He gave Tu me chamas tua vida.
"The finest I have heard, though,"
said I, "in that style, is the Spanish
song—"
"No, no," said the Captain; "give
us something Portuguese; something
by an old Padre. They are the fellows
that knock off the best modinhas."
I gave Fui me confessar.
The conclusion of this my third
song was followed by loud shouts of
laughter, a general clapping of hands,
and cries of "Encore! encore! bravo!
viva! encore! encore!" I turned,
and stood the centre of a semicircle!
Around me were ranged the delighted,
applauding passengers; the Colonel,
the Major, Capsicum, Pledget, Gingham,
Mr Belvidere, Joey, and, oh!
leaning on Joey's arm, the lovely
Juno; the whole Party, at my expense,
in the highest possible state of
hilarity. The skipper in the background,
leaning on the binnacle, stood
surveying the whole transaction with
his face set in a sarcastic scowl, as
though it had first been cast in plaster
of Paris, and then painted with red
ochre. Kitty's bonnet appeared on
the level of the deck, projecting from
the cabin stairs. Near her, profuse
in soft attentions, stood the Colonel's
flunkey, lavishing winks and winning
simpers. Immediately above me, in
the shrouds, with his face downwards,
like a monkey in a tree, hung Snowball
the nigger; his two eyes, full of
wonder and delight, gloating like a
basilisk's, and projecting like a skinned
rabbit's; his mouth extended across
his face in so broad a grin, you'd have
thought his throat had been cut from
ear to ear. The applause having a
little subsided, each in turn paid me a
compliment. Juno, the enchanting
saucy witch, dropped me a demure
and very low curtsy, begged to thank
me, and precipitately put her handkerchief
to her face. Gingham advised
me to cultivate my voice; begged
to assure me I had very good taste,
and only wanted modulation, flexibility,
accuracy, and execution, with a
little attention to time and tune, and
care to avoid passing into the wrong
key—nay, had no doubt, if I took
pains, I should some day acquire an
ear. Just when I was annoyed past
bearing, Pledget, tittering with ecstasy,
whispered at my elbow, "Capital
joke! the Captain did it admirably.
Almost as good as puppies!—puppies!—puppies!"
"Your compliment last, sir," said
I, "comes in the proper place. Allow
me to designate it as it deserves—the
ass's kick."
Pledget turned a little pale, and
drew up; said something that seemed
to stick in his throat, about "lions
roaring, and asses braying."
We were on the edge of a regular
tiff. The general garrulity dropped
into a dead silence, and the whole
party looked concerned. The Colonel
at once interposed, and insisted on
our shaking hands. This operation
was performed accordingly, as in such
cases provided, with immense cordiality
on both sides.
"Captain Gabion, I'll trouble you
for a dollar," said the Major.
"No, no; I'll trouble you for a
dollar," replied the Captain.
"How do you make that out?"
said the Major. "You've lost; that's
evident."
"What do you mean by lost?"
said Captain Gabion. "Didn't I
make Mr Y— sing three songs
within the given time? Hadn't I two
minutes over, when he finished the
last? Weren't they all three Portuguese?
I took good care of that.
Wasn't that our bet?"
"Yes, Captain; all right," said the
Major. "But one of your songs was
Spanish. That was an infringement."
"Didn't understand any condition
of that sort," replied Captain Gabion.
"All the party heard the bet. Let
the company decide."
One said one thing, one another.
By common consent it was referred to
Gingham, who had held his tongue.
Gingham decided that the Captain had
lost.
"Very well," said the Captain,
"then I have had all my trouble for
nothing. Rather hard, though, to
sing three songs yourself; get three
more out of a gentleman that has a
particular objection to singing, in
forty minutes; and then have to pay
a dollar besides. However, book it,
Major. Very kind of you, though,
Mr Y—: equally obliged. Trust
you'll often favour us." We all went
below to prepare for dinner; but I
had not heard the last of my singing.
We were now on the look-out for
Cape Villano, and began to feel the
N. wind which blows down the W.
coast of the Spanish Peninsula ten
months in the year. This wind, as
you get further to the S., is generally
attended with a clear sky. But in
our present latitude, meeting the
upper or S.W. current of air, which
comes charged with the vapours of
the Atlantic, it produced incessant
rain. The rain commenced, as indeed
rain often does commence, about
three o'clock P.M., and kept us below
all the evening; obliging us also to
lay-to till daybreak, as the skipper
did not like to run nearer in by night,
with such weather.
From dinner to tea we managed to
crack on, without finding the time
hang heavy on our hands. After tea
the conversation was resumed, but in
the course of an hour or two began to
flag; when Gingham enlivened it by
volunteering his services in brewing
a bowl of punch. The offer was received
with tumultuous applause;
except that Capsicum, who thought
nobody understood brewing so well
as himself, politely expressed a doubt
as to Gingham's capabilities. Gingham
avowed, with much seriousness,
that he "yielded in punch-making to
no man." A discussion arose, in
the course of which I ventured to
move, and it was carried, that a bowl
of punch should be brewed by each,
and that the company should award
the palm after finishing both.
Capsicum brewed first. The materials
were not wanting. The
steward brought rum, brandy, lemons,
all the etceteras. Gingham, chivalrous
in his rivalry, tendered limes in
lieu of lemons: "always took a few
when he travelled—got them in Pudding
Lane." Capsicum's sense of honour
would have declined the limes; but
the company ruled otherwise. The
bowl was brewed—a perfect nosegay—and
stood smoking in the centre of
the table. In a very short time after,
each man had his quantum before him.
"Now, gentlemen," said the Colonel,
(chairman,) "punch is nothing without
harmony. I beg leave to call on
Mr Y— for a song." Much applause.
"Hear! hear! hear! A song by Mr
Y—! hear! hear! hear!"
I had not quite recovered the adventure
of the morning, and was far
from disposed to sing. Had sung
enough for one day—felt rather hoarse—begged
to decline—but all in vain:
the company would take no denial.
I was obstinate. Joey began to talk
of keelhauling; the Major suggested
the old mess fine, a sugared oyster;
while a soft admonition was heard in
the distance, "The bird that can
sing, and that won't sing, must be
made to sing."
Not to sing was just then a principle
as fixed in my mind as any
theorem in the first six books of
Euclid. The company became peremptory.
At length, tired of saying
no, I rose, and begged leave to ask
the chairman whether, if I sang, I
should have the usual privilege of
calling on any other gentleman present.
The chairman hesitated to reply.
He saw his position: I might
call upon him. I now had the best
of it. The chairman laughed, leaned
over to Capsicum, and whispered a
remark about "generalship." Capsicum
growled out something, of which
I could only distinguish "jockey" and
"young fox."
I was still on my legs, and continued,—"Well,
Mr Chairman, as
my very equitable proposal is not met
so promptly as I anticipated, would it
not be better if the company resolve,
instead of extorting a solitary song
from an individual who has already
contributed largely this day to the
common stock of amusement," (hear!
hear! hear!) "that every person present
should either sing a song, or tell
a story?"
The Colonel looked quite relieved;
the company, also, appeared content.
"Well, gentlemen," said he, "as it
seems to meet your approval, suppose
we accept Mr Y—'s proposition. I
will begin. Sooner, any day, tell a
dozen stories, than sing one song.
My story, at any rate, like Captain
Gabion's last song this morning, when
he had only twelve minutes to spare,
will have the merit of being short.—A
little more punch, if you please.—Allow
me, then, to break ground, by
relating an anecdote of my esteemed
and much-lamented friend
Some of you knew the Major well—are
doubtless aware, also, that in a
fit of excitement, which led to temporary
insanity, he fell by his own hand.
The circumstances, however, which
gave occasion to that melancholy
event were known only to myself.
At the time when we were forming
and drilling the Portuguese army,
which afterwards proved so effective
in the field, the Major and I were both
stationed in winter-quarters at L—.
In the same town were two regiments
of newly-raised Portuguese cavalry,
which it was requisite to have in complete
efficiency against the opening of
the campaign in the spring. The
Major—a stiff hand I need not say, a
regular Titan of the German school—was
appointed to drill one; and I,
for want of something to do, undertook
the other. In this duty, there
sprang up between us a little rivalry,
amicable of course, as to which of us
should first have his regiment ready.
The Major had his own ideas; and, I
thought, teazed his men, and exacted
too much. He had an eye to a field-day;
I had an eye to actual service.
Foreigners say, we teach our cavalry
everything, except pulling up. But I
can tell you, before an enemy superior
in force, and pressing you too close,
nothing acts more effectually as a
check, than riding through them.
Well, we both drilled according to
our views. One morning the Major
announced to me, that he considered
his regiment perfect, and that I must
go with him and inspect it. We went.
He put them through; I looked on;
they performed admirably. Finally,
he drew them up in line. Riding to
the front, he surveyed his work with
pride. Then, taking a flank position,
he made me notice how accurate the
perspective—every sabre sloped at
the same angle, everything in its
place—you might have stretched a
gardening line from one end of the
regiment to the other. Just then, unfortunately,
a new idea entered the
Major's mind: he proposed riding to
the rear. Away we went. Alas! his
discipline had not extended to the
horses' tails! Every tail was whisking:
horses, Spanish and Portuguese—all
long tails, no cock-tails—every tail in
motion. In front, they stood like a
wall: in the rear, it was whisk, whisk,
whisk,—swirl, swirl, swirl—switch,
switch, switch—all down the line. It
was too much for the poor Major. He
was perfectly dumfounded—looked
like a man out of his wits—took a
hasty leave—rode home to his billet,
and shot himself. I now beg leave to
call on Mr Y—, for either a story
or a song."
"I thought Major Krauss was still
living," said Pledget.
"Mr Capsicum," said the Colonel,
"have the kindness to fill Mr Pledget
a bumper. Always the fine, you know,
if any one calls a statement in question,
when story-telling is going on. Now,
if you please, Mr Y—."
"Gentlemen," I said, "I have seen
nothing of service, and little of the
world. Perhaps, therefore, you will
permit me to relate an anecdote, which
I had from a near relative of mine, a
naval officer; and which remarkably
illustrates the characteristic coolness
of British seamen. It was the act of
a common sailor, who bore among his
messmates, in consequence, the name
of
It was at the evacuation of Toulon.
My aforesaid relative was then a lieutenant,
and had been landed with a
party from his ship, to take charge of
one of the forts in the harbour.
When Buonaparte, through the remissness
of our Spanish allies, took the
hill which commanded the anchorage,
and we were forced to withdraw, the
lieutenant received orders to bring off
his party, and the ammunition which
had been landed from the ship.
There were several barrels of gunpowder
to be brought away. These
were stowed in the after part of the
boat, between the officers and the men,
to be under inspection; and were set
on end, to save room. In pulling for
the ship, the boat had to pass another
fort, which was on fire. The English,
you know, on coming away, burnt
everything they could—that is, I
mean, everything connected with the
public service, ships, stores, storehouses,
buildings. Just as the boat
was passing, the fort blew up. The
fragments of the explosion filled the
air; and a rafter charred with fire
fell into the boat, stove in the head of
one of the powder-barrels, and stood
upright in the powder. Its superior
extremity was still burning. There
was a dead silence. The men went
on pulling, as if nothing had happened.
In an instant they might all be blown
to atoms. It seemed the easiest thing
in the world to seize the smoking and
crackling brand, pluck it out of the
powder, and throw it into the sea.
But that, doubtless, would have been
instant destruction; one spark, shaken
off in the operation and falling, would
have done the business. Everybody
saw the hitch. Still the men pulled
away. It wouldn't do to stir the
brand; and it evidently wouldn't do
to leave it where it was. "Ship your
oar, Sam," said the lieutenant. Sam,
did so. Not a word more was spoken,
or necessary. Sam coolly took off
his hat, dipped it into the sea, filled it,
carefully and thoroughly sluiced the
whole surface of the exposed powder
in the barrel; and then, having in this
way made all safe, slowly drew the
rafter out of the barrel, and pitched it
overboard.—I beg here to call on Mr
Commissary Capsicum."
"Well, gentlemen," said Capsicum,
"I will tell you another boat-story;
and though the care of Providence
was singularly illustrated in the
wonderful preservation which Johnny
has just related, I think it appeared
quite as remarkably in the case which
I am about to relate, of
I am now a military commissary;
I was once a naval one. I made my
debut in the British service as a captain's
clerk, and sailed in that capacity
on board the Negotiator, 74,
which was under orders for Lisbon.
On our arrival in the Tagus, we found
there the Protocol, 120, the Pacificator,
100, the Persuasive, 80, the Conciliator,
74, the Preliminary, 50, the
Envoy, bomb, and the Intervention,
fire-ship. The next day, the captain
of the Protocol came on board, and
was invited by our own skipper to
stay and dine. But he knew the
Lisbon weather too well—foresaw a
gale; and, not relishing the idea of
getting a wet jacket in returning at
night to his ship, persuaded our skipper
to go and dine with him. The
Negotiator's boat was to fetch the
skipper. Sure enough, the wind freshened
about sunset, and in an hour or
two it began to blow great guns. Our
boat went, however, as arranged.
Nasty work, boating at Lisbon. You
may think it's nothing, in harbour.
But I can tell you this—whenever
there's a storm at sea, there's sure to
be a little hurricane in the Tagus.
No matter what's the direction of the
wind outside—in the Tagus you have
it right up or right down. Well,
gentlemen, Protocol advised Negotiator
not to think of returning such
a night as that—offered him a shake-down
on board—assured him he'd be
swamped—all to no purpose; Negotiator
would go, as his boat was come.
Just as they were leaving the ship's
side, one of the boat's crew fell overboard.
Every effort was made to
recover him, but with what success
you may easily suppose. The tide
was running down like a torrent; the
wind came roaring up from the bar,
and lashed the water into froth and
fury; the spray half filled the boat;
it was pitch-dark. All was done that
could be done, but to no purpose: the
man was given up for lost; the boat
returned to the ship. The skipper
came into the cabin quite sorrowful-like,
that he had lost one of his best
men, but didn't forget to tell me to
jump down into the boat, and see to
the handing up of half-a-dozen fine
melons, presented to him by Protocol.
Down I went, in the dark, over the
ship's side, got into the boat, groped
about, found five melons and handed
them up; couldn't find the sixth. I
was just stepping out of the boat to
return on board, when the thought
struck me, what a blowing-up I should
get from the skipper, when I told him
a melon was missing. I paused, renewed
my search, happened to put
my hand down to the gunnel of the
boat, to support myself in stooping.
My hand lighted upon something; it
wasn't the gunnel. I felt it—pitch-dark;
couldn't see the tip of my own
nose. It was a man's foot! I felt
further—a man's leg! Someone was
hanging on, outside the boat, with his
heel uppermost, and his head under
water. I held him fast by the leg,
and sung out for help. The man was
got on board insensible, and to all
appearance past recovery. When he
fell overboard alongside the Protocol,
he had hooked on by his foot, and in
that way had been dragged under
water all the time they had been rowing
about in the dark to find him, as
well as afterwards, while they were
pulling for the ship. We all thought
him a dead man. The doctor said,
'No: if he had been, he would have
let go.' Doctor ordered a sailor's
flannel shirt and a kettle of boiling
water; had the patient stripped, and
laid in hot blankets; rolled up the
flannel shirt into a ball, poured into it
the boiling water, and clapt it to the
pit of his stomach." (Here Pledget
took out his tablets, and made a
note.) "What with this, and other
gentle restoratives," continued Capsicum,
"the man recovered. The
skipper, glad as he was when the
doctor reported it, didn't forget to
give me a good blowing-up for the
melon, which I suppose one of the
boat's crew had grabbed in the dark."
"Of course he didn't forget that,"
said Joey, who had listened to this
narrative with professional interest.
"Pray, do you happen to know what
time elapsed from the man's falling
overboard till he was unhooked?"
"The little dog forgot to mention,"
replied Capsicum.
"What little dog?" said Joey
eagerly. "I am quite an animal man.
I am particularly fond of dogs."
"The little dog whose tail curled
so tight, that it lifted him off his hind
legs. Will you oblige us, Mr. Gingham?"
"It is extraordinary enough, gentlemen,"
said Gingham, "that though
three most interesting anecdotes have
been related, we have not yet had
either a ghost story, a love story, or a
touch of the pathetic. The first of
these omissions I will now endeavour
to supply, by relating an occurrence
which befel me during the short time
I was at school, and in which the
party most prominent was a strange
sort of an individual, who went among
the boys by the name of
He was our writing-master. He
was our ciphering-master. He was
also our drawing-master. He was a
foreigner. Not a boy in the school
knew whence he came; but he certainly
was not an Englishman. In
person he was gaunt and uncouth. He
was a mild, quiet sort of a man; but
his eye had a sinister expression,
and he was savage when provoked.
It was commonly reported
among the boys, not only that he
could do extraordinary conjuring
tricks, but that he was a master of
magic, far deeper and darker than
legerdemain. He lived alone in a
solitary cottage, which, with its garden
and long shrubbery, skirted the
road, about a mile out of the town
where was our school. This cottage
had never been entered by any of the
boys; strange stories were told about
it; and we viewed it with a sort of
awe. You must know the gentleman
in question had a remarkable habit of
sitting. When he came to us at one
o'clock, he immediately took his seat
at his desk; and never rose till his
two hours were up. This circumstance
suggested to my mind a conjuring
trick, to be played off on the
conjuror. One day, just before his
arrival, I spread some shoemakers'
wax on his bench; and afterwards,
when he was fairly seated, I gave out
among the boys that I had conjured
the conjuror, and that at three o'clock
he wouldn't be able to go. The boys
were all expectation. It struck three.
He attempted to rise—an unseen
power held him fast. At length,
amidst much tittering, he contrived
to get free; but only by extricating
himself from that part of his habiliments
which was in immediate contact
with the bench. He did not
exactly pull them off; but, poor man!
he was obliged to pull himself out of
them. The master lent him another
pair; he went home filled with rage,
but perfectly cool, having first contrived
to identify the culprit; and his
own, having been carefully detached
with a hot knife by the master's
daughter, Miss Quintilian, as the
boys called her, were sent after him
with a message of kind condolence,
packed by her fair hands in a brown
paper parcel, into which I contrived
to slip a fig-leaf. Next day he reappeared
at the usual hour. All
went on smoothly for about a fortnight.
At the end of that time, one
afternoon when I was showing up my
sum, he addressed me, observing that
I had always been particularly diligent
with my arithmetic, and that, as
the holidays were at hand, he hoped
I would do him the favour of drinking
tea with him that evening. Some of
the boys tried to frighten me—said
he bottled the thunder and lightning,
and kept it corked down, ready for
use—oh, wouldn't he give me a touch
of it? Others encouraged me. I
went. Tea over, he told me that he
had contrived a little exhibition for
my amusement; then flung open the
folding doors of the parlour, and disclosed
a large sheet, hanging as a
curtain in the doorway. 'I must
go into the next room,' said he, 'and
take the candles with me, or you will
not be able to see the exhibition.' He
withdrew, leaving me alone in the
dark, went into the next room, and
commenced the exhibition—a sort of
phantasmagoria—to me, sufficiently
surprising; for the phantasmagoria
had not at that time been brought
before the public. One of the figures
was a whole-length likeness of myself,
which suddenly vanished, and
was replaced by a skeleton. The
exhibition finished, the conjuror returned
with the lights; and, by way
of supper, treated me to a glass of
negus and a slice of seed-cake. He
then intimated that it was time for
me to think of playing the Bedfordshire
march, but that before I went
he had something to say to me, if I
would follow him into the next room.
We adjourned: and there, amongst
other strange sights, I saw one of the
identical bottles containing the thunder
and lightning—expected to be
blown up sky-high. The conjuror
now addressed me. Alluding to the
unfortunate affair of the wax, he
remarked that his conduct to me had
been uniformly kind; that he had
always encouraged me, commended
my diligence, and helped me in my
difficulties. Then, in an appealing
tone, he inquired how I could have
made such an ungrateful return, as
to play him that horrid trick of the
wax. At the same time opening a
drawer, and producing his corduroys,
he pointed out to me their damaged
condition, and put it to my best feelings,
whether that was the way to
recompense kindness such as his. I
felt at once that my conduct had been
immeasurably bad, and most humbly
expressed my compunction. 'No,'
said he, 'that is not sufficient. The
offence was public, so should be also
the reparation. Promise me that
to-morrow, before the whole school,
you will come up to my desk and
apologise.' Perhaps this was only
just; but I hesitated. He pressed
me; but I would make no such promise.
'Very well,' said he, 'it is
now time for you to think of returning.
You will be sorry for your obstinacy,
perhaps, before you get back to the
school.' He then accompanied me
into the passage, and kindly helped
me on with my greatcoat. 'The
front door,' said he, 'is fastened for
the night. Here, step out this way.'
He led me through the back passage
into the garden, and opened the garden-gate,
outside of which was a field.
'There,' said he, 'follow that path,
which runs along by the side of the
shrubbery. When you have got to
the end of it you will find a gate,
which will let you into the road.
Good night.'
The night was splendid—a sky
without a cloud. The full moon, high
up in the heavens, shed a lustre which
gave to every prominent object the
distinctness of day. But the shrubbery,
as I skirted it to gain the road,
was dark—dark—dark. At its extremity,
however, the moment I
emerged from the garden into the
field, I descried the gate; and to that
point, with my eyes fixed upon it, I
directed my steps. Suddenly, to my
no small surprise, the gate began to
clatter and rattle, as if violently
shaken by the wind. This was the
more extraordinary, because the night
was as calm as it was brilliant; not a
breath of air was stirring. Nor was
any creature visible; yet still the gate
went on, rattle, rattle, clatter, clatter,
as if shaking itself for its own amusement.
Presently, as though violently
pushed by invisible hands, the gate
swung wide open; then began swinging
backwards and forwards, swing,
swing, backwards and forwards, first
into the road, then into the field, with
a bang of the latch at every swing.
The last time it swung fieldways, it
stood open of itself; suddenly fixed
by an unseen power at its utmost
range. Then appeared a tall dark
form, gliding into the field through
the gateway from the road, and descending
towards me by the path. It
was the form of the conjuror himself!
Yet, in its appearance, there was
something appalling, and, I may say,
unearthly. It did not step out,
neither did it altogether glide. With
a motion compounded of the two, it
first advanced one leg, then, after a
long interval, the other, still moving
towards me at a slow, uniform rate.
One arm was solemnly extended, with
the forefinger pointing to the moon:
and, as the tall image approached and
passed me, I could distinctly discern
the uplifted visage of the conjuror,
stern but calm, his head turned
slightly on one side, his brow knit,
his eyes fixed upon the moon. Without
looking behind me to see what
became of him after he passed, I
hurried on; and had already arrived
within about fifty paces of the gate,
when it again began to rattle and
swing as violently as at first—again
stood open—and again the same form
appeared, gliding, as before, from the
road into the field, and descending
towards me down the path. The arm
was still extended; the finger still
pointed majestically to the moon; the
movement also, a mixture of striding
and sliding, was still the same. But
the conjuror's face, not turned as
before towards the moon, was this
time directed towards me. The
eyes glared full in mine—but, oh,
what eyes! They had stolen the
gleam of the luminary on which they
were fixed before; each eye was a
moon! the window of a brain that
glowed internally with a white heat!
With a look of horrid vacuity fixed on
my face, again it passed; and I, not
at all coveting a third interview, cut
away for the gate, and up the road
homewards. I had no recollection of
what occurred afterwards, till I was
roused from my slumbers next morning
by Miss Quintilian, who stood by
my bedside with a lump of sugar and
something nice in a teacup, which,
she said, her pa had ordered me
to take. We broke up, returned to
school after the holidays, and found
a new writing-master, the conjuror's
cottage shut up, and the conjuror himself
gone—nobody knew whither. Miss
Quintilian said she would tell me how
he went, if I promised not to mention
it to her pa:—she had seen him with
her own eyes, riding away over the
church, astride on a broomstick.—Now,
sir," added Gingham, bowing to Mr
Belvidere, "I trust that you will
favour us. By the bye, Colonel, before
We proceed, hadn't I better brew my
promised bowl of punch?"
"My story will be a very short
one," said Mr Belvidere, who spoke
little, and, as it afterwards appeared,
had a mighty matter on his mind.
"The punch will take no time,"
said Gingham. "I have everything
ready."
The chairman, governed by the evident
sense of the company, awarded
priority to the punch. Gingham
stepped aside, the steward was smart
with the kettle, and in less than two
minutes a fresh bowl was on the table.
With such punch in Olympus, suffice
it to say, nectar had soon become a
drug. The chairman now called on
Mr Belvidere, who proceeded forthwith
to relate
"I was once staying at Bath, about
fifteen years ago, and, while there,
became very thick with the officers of
an English cavalry regiment. One
day, when I dined at the mess, it so
happened that there was also present
a young gentleman, a sub, who had
joined that morning. It was a practice
in many regiments, in those days,
I suppose I need not mention, when a
sub joined, to take the first opportunity
of trying him, as it was called—that
is, trying his mettle. In the present
instance, the time fixed was dinner.
The youth was quiet and well-bred,
a little reserved, and apparently
not quite at home. Doubts were expressed
whether he would show pluck.
When dinner was on table, and we
were all assembled, the senior officer
present politely requested the young
stranger to take the office of vice; and
he, with equal politeness assenting,
seated himself at the bottom of the
table. A grim-looking countryman of
mine, the major of the regiment, a
jovial red-faced off-hand sort of a personage,
full of whisky and waggery,
was the individual appointed to make
the customary trial, and took his seat
at table to the vice-president's left.
Soup and fish removed, an attendant
placed before the young gentleman a
boiled leg of mutton. Presently the
major, addressing him, said, 'I'll
thank you for a bit of that vale.'—'I
beg your pardon,' said Mr Vice; 'I
rather think it's mutton, not veal:
shall I have the pleasure of helping
you?' The major made no reply.
Presently the major began again:
'I'll thank you for a bit of that vale.'—'I
tell you,' said the sub, 'it's not
veal; it's mutton. Shall I give you
some?' Again the major was silent.
After a pause, the major renewed the
attack: 'I'll thank you for a bit of
that vale.'—'I'll soon let you know
whether it's veal or mutton,' said the
newly-arrived, jumping up. Then,
with one hand seizing the leg of mutton
by the knuckle, with the other
the major by the collar, and wielding
the gigot like a club, he banged it
about the major's sconce till the company
interposed. The major, fairly
basted with half-raw gravy, and
dripping with caper-sauce, flung up
both his arms above his head, in an
ecstasy of delight, and, exultingly
waving his hands, exclaimed at the
top of his voice, 'He'll do! he'll do!'
Perhaps we shall now be favoured
with a story or a song by Mr Staff-surgeon
Pledget."
"Yes, yes," said the Colonel, laughing,
"the old major took it all with a
very good grace; a capital fellow he
was, too. Sorry to say, one of his
peepers got a little damaged, though,
on the occasion. I could not do that,
now that I am minus a claw."
"Why, Colonel d'Arbley!" said
Mr Belvidere, looking the Colonel
very hard in the face, "I really ought
to apologise. Wasn't at all aware that
the hero of my story was sitting at
the head of the table. Ah, I see—I
recollect. The same features; yes,
exactly. I think, though, Colonel,
you were not then quite so tall."
"Well," replied the Colonel, "I'm
not quite sure that I had done growing.
I entered the service young.
Now, Mr Pledget, sir, if you please."
"I really feel quite at a loss, sir,"
said Pledget. "I have served in different
parts of the world; but I positively
never met with anything half so
curious and interesting as the extraordinary
incidents which I have heard
this evening."
"Why, Pledget, man," said the
Major, "you were on the expedition
to Buenos Ayres. Come, tell us something
about those lassoing fellows, or
the lovely señoras, with their fine-turned
ankles and slaughtering eyes."
"I'll tell you," said Pledget, "something
that I picked up at the Cape, on
the passage. It relates to a celebrated
traveller, who was generally
known at Cape Town by the name of
While we were lying at Table Bay,
I resided for a few days on shore. It
so happened that I took up my residence
in the same lodgings which had
formerly been occupied by the traveller
in question, the well-known Mons.
V—. The landlord, antiquated,
good-humoured old Dutchman, delighted
to talk of his illustrious guest,
and told me anecdotes of him. V—,
it appears, afforded the household
much amusement. One day he had
found what he considered a very
curious green bug, which he placed,
alive, in a paper box. The green bug,
however, thought fit to make its
escape from the box, and walked
away. V—, soon missing the fugitive,
was in an agony—searched the
room—searched the house—ran about,
asking everybody he met, had they
seen his green bug? Meanwhile,
watching an opportunity while V—'s
back was turned, the landlord's son
took a hair-pencil of green paint, and
painted on a panel of the apartment
an exact fac-simile of the green bug.
Presently, in a perfect fever of excitement,
the naturalist returned, still
inquiring eagerly for his green bug.
The family looked innocent, shook
their heads, and said nothing. V—
again began to search the room, till at
length his eyes lighted on the panel.
'Ah!' he exclaimed, 'my green
bug! Ah, I have finded you now,
my dear little naughty green bug!'
'Ah non!' he added, after two or
three ineffectual attempts to pick the
picture off the panel—'ah non! it
not is my little green bug!' Whether
V— was near-sighted, I know not.
But, if so, I can easily account for his
mistaking a painted green bug for a
real one; for, gentlemen, I am slightly
near-sighted myself," said Pledget;
"and last autumn, I do assure you,
while I was out shooting on my brother's
estate in Kent, a humble-bee
got up right under my nose, and I
actually blazed away at it with both
barrels, mistaking it for a pheasant.
I know it was nothing but a humble-bee;
for my shooting companion, a
young Oxonian, my own nephew in
fact, positively assured me. I can't
help thinking I must be a little near-sighted.
Well, but that is not all
about V—. The Dutchman one day,
observing him so very curious in entomology,
collected a variety of richly-coloured
filaments from the plumage
of birds, shreds of silk, &c.; then
caught some fine blue-bottles; fastened
the filaments to the blue-bottles with
gum; and, when V— was out,
turned the blue-bottles loose in his
bedroom. V— came home—went
direct to his sleeping apartment—the
whole household, assembled and listening,
stood outside in the passage.
Presently the row began. V— was
heard within, first uttering cries of astonishment
and delight, then flouncing
about the room, jumping over the bed,
capsizing the water-jug, in hot pursuit
of the nondescript varieties of the
blue-bottle. At length a heavy bang
was followed by a dead silence; then
came a cry of piteous lamentation.
The family entered, with sympathising
looks. Poor V— had broken his
shin, in an attempt to leap the table.
The females rushed for brown paper
and vinegar. The wounded man was
extricated from the upturned legs of
the table, and led out limping into the
common apartment, to be doctored.
The landlord, profiting by the opportunity,
opened the bedroom window,
and the blue-bottles escaped. The
naturalist, who never knew by what
means he had been beguiled, made
frequent, and I need not say vain, inquiries,
for similar 'prit littel bottle
blue homing-beards.'—I beg leave to
call on my friend the Major."
"I," said the Major, "as well as
Captain Gabion, was on the retreat to
Corunna, and now beg leave to relate
an incident connected with
After we had served out the French,
on the heights there, just above the
town, we had no farther trouble to
signify, so far as they were concerned—a
pretty deal, though, in getting our
own army embarked. I was the last
man on shore but two. Towards the
close of the business, I went down to
the place of embarkation—found old
Blue Breeches (a sobriquet which
I had in the morning been scandalised
by hearing applied to my honoured
father) there, the officer in
charge, superintending. There he
was, up to his knees in the surf, giving
his orders, helping the wounded into
the boats with his own hands, directing
everything. Such a precious scene
of noise and confusion I never witnessed.
'Hadn't you better embark
at once, sir?' said he. 'No—I'd
rather wait a while,' said I. 'Hadn't
you better go in this boat?' said he.
'No, sir; I'll go in the boat you go
in,' said I. 'Then you'll have to
wait quite to the last; I intend to be
the last man off,' said he. 'Very
well,' said I. 'If you really mean
to wait, sir, I shall have to request
your assistance,' said he. Didn't
quite understand what that meant,
but determined to stick to Old Blue
Breeches. Don't you see? It was
my best card. You don't suppose I
was going to be boated off to a transport,
when I could go home in a
seventy-four? Well, sir, at length
the men were all embarked—the sick,
the wounded, every man John of
them. The last boat-load had shoved
off, and there now only remained the
captain's own gig, ready to take us
on board. Of course, I expected we
should be off, like the rest, without
delay. No, no; Old Blue Breeches
had a different way of doing business.
He turns round to me, and says, 'I
am, going to take a walk through the
town, sir. Will you favour me with
your company?' 'Should hardly
think there was time for that, sir,'
said I; 'but if it will answer any
purpose, and you really mean to go, I
shall be happy to go with you.'
Thought some of the French might
have got in. 'I want to look into
the different wine-houses,' said he,
'just to see if there are any stragglers.
Am ordered to bring all off: shouldn't
like to leave a man behind.' Away
we went—he, I, and old Powers, the
Irish coxswain, almost as rum an old
chap as Old Blue Breeches himself.
He searched all the wine-shops for
stragglers—found none. Besides our
three selves, there wasn't an Englishman
in Corunna. Came back through
the sally-port that opened on the
place of embarkation. At the sally-port
Old Blue Breeches made a halt,
rummaged in his pocket, brought out
the key. 'Took care to secure this
yesterday,' said he: 'just wait a
moment, while I lock the door.' He
locked it, and brought away the key.
Down we went to the boat. I hung
behind, wanting to be the last man
off. Old Powers was playing the
same game, but it wouldn't do.
'Now, sir, if you please,' said Old
Blue Breeches; 'company first.' In
I got. 'Won't I help yer honour
in?' said Powers to Old Blue Breeches.
'No, no, old fellow,' said he; 'that
won't do, you know. Get in first
yourself, and help me in afterwards.'
Powers grinned, and tumbled in over
the stern. Old Blue Breeches got in
last. We shoved off. 'Three cheers,
yer honour?' said Powers, as he
took his seat by the tiller. 'Ay,
ay; three cheers,' said Old Blue
Breeches; 'and may the French soon
catch such another whopping.' Three
hearty cheers by the boat's crew, and
away we pulled for the ship. Old
Blue Breeches and I, both of us pretty
considerably done up. Neither spoke
for some minutes. Thought I should
like to have that key; took a fancy
to it. 'I suppose you mean to keep
the key?' said I. 'Indeed you may
say that,' said he. 'I do mean to
keep it; and I have got another to
put to it. Last mail ashore here at
Corunna; so I was at Toulon, in
1793. Then, also, I locked the gate,
and brought away the key.' Now
that's what I call cool.—Will you
favour us, Captain Gabion?"
"I should esteem it a favor,"
replied the Captain, "if I might be
permitted to tell my story last. Perhaps
the gentleman opposite to me,"
(bowing to Joey,) "will have the
kindness to take his turn now. Mine
will then be the only one remaining.
Mr Chairman, will you sanction this
arrangement?" The chairman bowed.
Joey began:—
"A previous narrator remarked,
that no one had told either a ghost-story,
a love story, or a pathetic
story. The first deficiency he himself
supplied; and, though I cannot say
that I ever saw a ghost, I certainly
never experienced anything so like
seeing one, as while I listened to that
extraordinary and appalling narrative.
I, gentlemen, have no love
story to tell, but I have a story of
true pathos; and you shall hear it, if
such is your pleasure."
In token of my acquiescence, I
stepped to my berth, took out two white
pocket-handkerchiefs, handed one to
Joey, and kept the other ready for
use.
"Gentlemen," said Joey, depositing
the disregarded cambric on the
table, "I will tell my story, but only
on one condition. It is no fiction;
and what I stipulate is this—that,
since I relate it with a heart still
wrung by recollection, as to men of
manly feeling, and in perfect good
faith, so you will listen with seriousness
and sympathy."
We looked at each other. Each
made up a face; all were grave, or
appeared so; and Joey, with great
earnestness of manner, and a voice
husky with emotion, commenced the
narrative of
"While I was serving on board
the East India Company's cruiser the
Jackal, we were one time employed
surveying in the Persian Gulf. Being
infested with rats, we one day requested
our interpreter, when he went
ashore, to bring off with him a cat
from the nearest village. He returned,
bearing in his arms, gentlemen,
such an extraordinary specimen of
feline beauty as, I will venture to
say, has never graced a British menagerie,
or sat upon any hearth-rug in
the United Empire. Her elegance,
her gentleness, her symmetry, I will
not wrong, by attempting to describe:
I should feel the poverty of the English
language. Her two eyes had each a
charm peculiar to itself. One was a
pure celestial blue, the other green as
an emerald. It was at once felt, by
every officer on board, that a creature
so superb was not to be employed in
the vulgar office of catching rats.
Our only thought was, to treat her
with the care and tenderness which
her beauty merited. As she was unquestionably
the princess of cats, and
as her coat was a soft tawny, in hue
somewhat resembling the odoriferous
powder of which our friend Mr Capsicum
makes such copious use—combining
the two circumstances, we
agreed to call her Princeza. Princeza
at once established herself as
the pet of the ship. What wonder?
We had no other domestic animal on
board, save one solitary monkey—his
name Jocko, his character, I grieve
to say, a revolting compound of artifice,
egotism, and low malignity.
But now a new circumstance arose,
which increased our interest in the
lovely Princeza. Almost immediately
she arrived on board, it became evident,
from unmistakable indications,
that she was about to be a mother.
Her interesting situation, indeed,
might have been detected by an
observant eye, when she first embarked.
In anticipation of the
earnestly expected event, it was
decided that Princeza should be provided
with every accommodation in the
officers' cabin. A basket, appropriated
to her use, was lined and half-filled
with the warmest and softest
materials; and in the cabin this basket
was deposited. Not that we apprehended
injury from the crew. Oh no!
our only fear was, that Princeza and
her expected little ones would be over-nursed,
over-petted, over-fed—in
short, killed with kindness. Judge,
gentlemen, what were my emotions,
when, one morning early, returning to
the cabin from my duty on deck, I
heard Princeza purring in her basket
with more than usual vehemence, and
discovered, on examination, that she
had become the happy mother of four
dear little lovely kittens." Here Joey's
voice quite broke down. At length,
mastering his emotions, he proceeded:
"Well, gentlemen; anxious to examine
the little interesting accessions,
I softly introduced my hand into the
basket. But Princeza was now a
mother, and had a mother's feelings.
Doubtless apprehending injury to her
little offspring—ah! could I have
injured them?—in an instant, poor
thing, she got my hand in chancery.
Her foreclaws, struck deep, held me
faster than a vice; with her hind claws
she rasped away the flesh, spurring
like a kangaroo; while, with her formidable
teeth, she masticated my
knuckles. After admiring awhile this
affecting illustration of maternal tenderness,
I attempted to withdraw my
hand. But, ah, gentle creature! she
only struck her claws the deeper,
spurred more vigorously, and chewed
with redoubled energy. Only by
assistance was I extricated; nor was
my hand perfectly recovered, till a fortnight
after Princeza was herself no
more! Well, gentlemen; for greater
security it was now resolved that,
every night at eight o'clock, Princeza's
basket should be set on the cabin table.
There it was placed the first night;
and next morning, one of the kittens
was found—can I utter it?—dead!
No malice was suspected: the disaster
was attributed to natural causes.
Another night came. We used no
precautions. In the morning, we
found another kitten—dead! Suspicion
was now awake, but overlooked
the real culprit. The third
night, I determined to watch. The
basket stood, as before, upon the
table: Princeza, with her two remaining
little ones, lay snug and
warm within: a lamp, burning near
the entrance, shed its light throughout
the cabin; and I, with my curtain all
but closed, kept watch within my
berth. In the dead of the night,
when all between decks was quiet,
save the snoring of the men, the flitting
of a shadow made me sensible
that some one, or something, was
moving in the cabin. Presently,
approaching stealthily, like Tarquin,
or Shakspeare's wolf, appeared—gentlemen,
I saw it with my eyes—the
form of Jocko! With silent
grimaces, advancing on all fours,
stealthily, stealthily, a step at a time,
he approached, he reached the table.
There awhile he paused; then threw
a somerset, and alighted upon it.
The moment he was landed, the pricked
ears and anxious face of Princeza
appeared above the basket. He approached.
She stirred not, but continued
to observe him, with all a
mother's fears depicted in her countenance.
Jocko now laid one paw
upon the basket's edge. Still Princeza
moved not. Blackest of villains! he
cuffed her—cuffed her again—again;—in
short, repeated his cuffs, till,
terrified and bewildered, the unhappy
mother leaped from the basket on the
table, from the table on the floor, and
flew out of the cabin. Then did that
monster in a monkey's form quietly
take her place, and settle himself down
for a night's rest, in the midst of the
warmth and comfort from which he
had ejected the lawful tenant. All
was now discovered. The double
murderer of the two preceding nights
lay housed and genial in that basket.
Anxious to see and know the whole,
up to this moment I had controlled
myself. But now, too hastily, I
rushed from my berth, to seize the
detected culprit. The noise alarmed
him. Snatching up a kitten in one
paw he sprang from the cabin—on
deck—up the rigging. Pursued,
though it was night, he dodged his
pursuers, taking advantage of the
gloom. At length, hard pressed, seeing
his retreat cut off and his capture
inevitable, he dashed the kitten into
the briny deep, and suffered himself
to be taken. With difficulty I preserved
him from the fury of the men.
Suffice it to say, that night he was
kept close prisoner in a hencoop, and,
next morning, hanged. But oh, how
shall I relate the sequel? The remaining
kitten was found severely
injured, crushed doubtless by Jocko's
incumbent weight, and died within
eight-and-forty hours. The mother,
bereaved of all her little ones, went
mewing about the ship as if in search
of them, languished and pined away,
refused all consolation, and expired
about eight days after. We now
became sensible of our loss in its full
extent: and this, gentlemen, was felt
by all on board to be the acme of our
grief—the ship was left without a
pet! Oh, could we have recalled
Princeza and her kittens! Oh, could
we have recalled even Jocko!"
At the conclusion of this tragic narrative,
which was recounted to the
end with unaffected feeling, the company
awhile remained silent, respecting
Joey's sensibilities. Joey looked
very much as if my tender of the cambric
had not been altogether superfluous.
At length the conversation was
renewed by Gingham.
"Your truly affecting story has a
moral, sir. I am an observer of the
habits of animals. Monkeys are very
fond of warmth."
"Well, sir," replied Joey, with a
deep-drawn sigh, "I should like to
hear your moral at any rate."
"The fact is, sir," said Gingham,
"on board ship, what is a poor
wretch of a monkey to do? At night,
probably, he is driven to the rigging.
He would gladly nestle with the men,
but the men won't have him; for, to
say nothing of the general ridicule a
fellow would incur by having a monkey
for his bedfellow, ten to one the
poor wretch is swarming with fleas
as big as jackasses, to say nothing of
enormous ticks in the creases of his
dirty skin. Monkeys, sir, like dogs,
scratch themselves a great deal, but
cleanse themselves very little. Now
depend upon it, when the weather is
cold and the wind high, monkeys
never sleep in trees. Is it likely then,
on board ship, that they prefer sleeping
aloft?—that is, if a monkey ever
sleeps. Did you ever see a monkey
asleep?"
"Can't say I ever did," replied
Joey. "I have seen them nodding.
But the moral?"
"The moral," said Gingham, "is
simply this. The next time you sail
with a monkey and a cat on board, if
you provide a basket for the cat, provide
another for the monkey."
"Obviously!" replied Joey.
"Would we had thought of that on
board the Jackal! Obviously!"
"May I ask," said Gingham, "how
you contrived to hang the monkey?"
"Of course," replied Joey, "he
was first pinioned."
"Exactly," said Gingham; "so
I conjectured. Otherwise I should
consider the hanging of a monkey no
easy matter."
"Now, Captain Gabion, if you
please," said the Colonel, interposing.
"The punch is nearly out," replied
the Captain, "and, if I might be excused,
I should really feel thankful for
the indulgence. I have nothing to
tell but an ugly dream; and that
dream relates to a subject which, as I
believe my military friends here present
are aware, is constantly and painfully
present to my mind. The less
said about it the better."
"Come, come, Captain Gabion,"
said the Colonel; "never think of
that, man. You'll see Old England
again, I tell you, and rise to rank in
the service. Come, give us your
story."
It is well known that, among the
officers who embarked for the Peninsula,
there was occasionally one who
quitted his native shores with a strong
presentiment that he should never see
them again, but fall in action. In
such instances the mind retained the
impression almost constantly. It was
not the coward's fear of death—far
from it. If ever it was forgotten, the
moment was that of conflict and peril;
and then, it was sometimes realised.
"Come, old fellow," said the Colonel;
"your story, if you please."
The Captain was about to reply,
when a musical voice, pitched in alto,
was heard from the state-cabin:—"Kitty,
Kitty, come down; come
down, I tell you. You'll catch your
death o' cold, standing there in the
draught without your bonnet. Come
down, child, this instant."
Kitty was now seen gliding from
the foot of the cabin stairs into her
mistress's apartment. The Colonel's
keen eye glanced in that direction;
ours took the same. A pair of legs was
distinctly visible at the bottom of the
stairs.
"Cupid, you villain! Cupid!"
shouted the Colonel, "come here;
come directly, sir. Aboard or ashore,
that rascal never misses an opportunity
of making love. Here, Cupid!
Cupid!"
The Colonel's gentleman, with innocence
pictured in his countenance,
now entered, stepped quietly up to the
foot of the table, and respectfully
twitched his forelock.
"What are you about there on the
cabin stairs, sir?" said the Colonel.
"Can't you let the young woman be
quiet, and be hanged to ye?"
"I vos owny a-cummin down into
the cab'n, yer honour, jist to see if
yer honour vaunted hennythink!"
The Colonel's gentleman, I ought
to have stated before this, was an old
light dragoon, and a Cockney. He
had lost an eye, on the same occasion
when the Colonel lost an arm; obtained
his discharge; and from that
time followed the Colonel's fortunes.
His loss, I presume, had gained him
the name of Cupid. He was a civil,
well-behaved, handy fellow enough;
had that particular way of speaking,
emphatic, and gesticulatory, which distinguishes
old soldiers who have got
their discharge; made himself universally
useful to the Colonel, and helped
him to dress and undress, morning
and evening, the Colonel being dependent
from the loss of a fin. Cupid,
in consequence, was a privileged person:
had the entrée of the cabin at
all times and seasons; and, being
ready and sometimes sentimental in
his replies, seldom made his appearance
amongst us without being assailed
with questions on all sides. The
Colonel was now about to give him a
regular jobation, but the Major struck
in.
"I say, Cupid, very convenient for
courtship those cabin stairs in rainy
weather. Eh, Cupid?"
"Courtship, yer honour!" said
Cupid. "I vosn't not a-doin nothink
of the kind. I vos owny a-meditatin,
like."
"Oh, meditating were you, though,
Cupid?" said Captain Gabion. "Well,
pray what were you meditating about?
Come, tell us your thoughts."
"Vhy, sir," replied Cupid, "I vos
a-meditatin upon the hair and upon
the sea. Got plenty of bofe vhere
ve now are; nothink helse, has I can
see; so it vos owny natral I should
meditate. And I vos jist a-thinkin
this: that the hair is made for men,
and the sea is made for fishes, heach
for heach; and t'other von't do for
nayther. Pull a fish hout of his own
heliment hinto the hair, and he dies.
And pitch a man hout of his own
heliment hinto the sea, and he's
drownded."
"Really, Cupid," said Capsicum,
"that never struck me before. It's
very curious."
"Wherry," said Cupid. "But,
please yer honour, I thought of somethink
helse, vitch I consider it's more
kew-russer still. And that's this:
that, though too much vorter drownds
a man, and too much hair kills a fish,
yit a fish can't do vithout a little hair,
and a man can't do vithout a little
drink." Cupid's eye, as if he had said
too much, dropped, and fell upon the
punch-bowl.
Amidst the general applause and
merriment excited by this appeal, I
pushed over a tumbler to Joey, who
took up the punch-bowl, and soon
transferred its remaining contents into
the glass, which he handed, brimming,
to Cupid. The next moment it stood
empty on the table. Cupid smacked
his lips.
"Cupid," said the Colonel in a tone
of authority, "what's your opinion of
that punch?"
"Pertickerly obleeged to yer honour,"
replied Cupid, "and to haul
the company vot's present." Cupid
then made a nip at his knee, as if
suddenly bit; and, availing himself of
the stoop, whispered Joey: "Please,
sir, did the Cornal brew it hisself?"
With a twitch of the mouth, and a
twist of the eye, Joey indicated
Gingham.
"Come, Cupid," said the Colonel,
"I want a direct answer. Tell me
your opinion of that punch." The
Colonel had a plot.
"Bless yer art, yer honour," said
Cupid.
"Come, speak up, sir," said the
Colonel.
"Speak up, man," said Gingham.
"Vell, yer honour," said Cupid, "I
haulvays speaks the troof, except I'm
hordered the contary. Pleasant tipple,
wherry. But if so be I hadn't not
a' seed it in the punch-bowl, vhy, I
shouldn't not a' knowed it vos punch,
not no how."
"What drink do you like best,
Cupid?" said the Major. "What
d'ye think of water, now?"
"Vhy, I think this, yer honour,"
replied Cupid: "I'm a pertickler dislike
to vorter; that's vot I think. I
vouldn't ride no oss into no vorter,
no, not for nothink."
"The fact is, gentlemen," said the
Colonel, "Cupid thinks no man can
brew a bowl of punch like himself.
What say you?—shall we give him a
trial?"
Capsicum consented—Gingham
consented—we all consented. The
third bowl of punch was carried by
acclamation. Cupid retired to brew.
"If he beats mine," said Capsicum,
"I'll give him half-a-guinea for the
recipe."
"A guinea," said the Colonel,
"with a promise not to communicate.
Cupid never takes less."
Cupid returned with the punch-bowl,
having executed the arcana
aside. His punch had the aroma of
arrack, though not arrack punch in
the strict sense of the word. Capsicum's
was a nosegay; Gingham's beat
nectar; but Cupid's put them both
out of court, by consent of the company.
"Now, Captain Gabion," said
the Colonel, "we'll trouble you for
your story."
"Without disparagement of our
previous brewers," said the Captain,
"my feeling at the present moment is
just this, that I never drank punch
before. Well, gentlemen, if you will
have it so, I proceed to relate
Some of the friends here assembled
are well aware—why should I conceal
it?—that, for several months past, a
load has been pressing on my mind.
They are also aware of the cause. I
certainly have an impression that I
shall never see England again. But
how that impression began, they are
not aware. What I am now about
to relate will afford the explanation.
Yet what is the subject of my narrative?
A dream—a mere dream; and
a dream easily accounted for by the
circumstances in which it was dreamt.
So it is. Colonel d'Arbley knows,
the Major knows, that I never shrank
from peril. I have faced death; to
all appearance, certain death. And,
unless I felt prepared to do the like
again, I should not have been now
returning to the army;—no, I would
rather have quitted the service. Death
I am prepared at any time to meet;
yet this presentiment of death is a
burden upon my spirits. By the bye,
my glass is empty. Hadn't I better
replenish it ere I begin?
You are aware, sir, that ill health,
the effect of hard service and hard
knocks, obliged me to return to England
last spring. In the course of
the autumn, I quitted Cheltenham, and
resided at Woolwich. There, I was at
a military party. We kept it up all
night. Next morning, I was unexpectedly
summoned to London; and,
on my arrival, found work cut out for
me,—papers to be prepared—public
offices to be visited—lots of going
about—lots of writing—all wanted
instantly. Some parliamentary wretch
had moved for returns, and I was to
get them up. In short, the work could
be done in time only by my again
sitting up all night. It was on the
day after these two sleepless nights
that I had my dream. Where, do
you think? And at what hour? At
noon, with the sun shining above my
head, on a bench in St James's Park.
I had just been calling in at the
Horse-Guards for a chat, my business
completed, the excitement over, and
was proceeding westward on foot along
the Birdcage Walk, when I began to
feel nervous and done up. All at once,
my faculties experienced a sort of collapse.
My whole frame was seized
with a deadly chill; I shivered spasmodically;
my strength seemed gone;
and I became most enormously drowsy.
Just at that moment—I suppose it
was some anniversary, a birthday
perhaps—bang, bang, the Park guns
commenced firing, close at hand. In
the midst of the firing, I sat down on
a bench, and, in no time, dropped
asleep. Then began my dream.
It was a general action. The curious
circumstance is, that I was still in the
Park. The guns firing a holiday
salute became the French position,
which occupied the plateau of a low
range of hills. At the foot of this
range, in an avenue extending along
its foot, was I alone. The firing went
on, bang-banging, now no longer a
feu-de-joie—the report was that of
shotted guns. I heard not only their
discharge, but the moan of the balls,
and the whisk of the grape; yes, and
the rattle of musketry, the shouts of
men charging, and all that kind of
thing. I saw the dust, the smoke,
the occasional flash, quite as much as
you can see of any battle if you're in
it. Yet, all this time, I knew I was
in the Birdcage Walk. Presently, in
the direction of the Green Park, I
heard a more distant cannonade, which
was that of the British position. It
was now time to change mine; for
some of the shot from our guns began
to pass up the avenue, close to me,
tearing, rasping up the gravel, crashing
among the trees, cutting down
boughs, and rifting the trunks. Yet
something kept me fixed. At length,
looking in the direction of the British
position, I distinctly saw a round-shot
come hopping up the avenue—hop—hop—hop—nearer
and nearer—but
slowly—slowly—slowly; it seemed all
but spent. Just when I thought it
had done hopping, it took one more
jump, and, with a heavy pitch, fetched
me an awful polt in the right side.
That moment I felt that I was a dead
man; killed in action, yet by a friendly
ball, and while sitting on a bench in
St James's Park! The vision now
passed. The noise and firing ceased;
troops, smoke, dust—all the concomitants
of combat vanished; the Birdcage
Walk and its beautiful environs
resumed their ordinary appearance.
Presently, while still sitting on the
bench, I was accosted by a tall sallow-looking
gentleman in black, who
smirked, bowed, and handed me a
letter with a broad black border—the
seal, a tombstone and a weeping willow.
It was addressed to myself—an
invitation to attend a funeral. I
pleaded my engagements—wanted to
get back to Woolwich—begged to be
excused. 'Sir,' said he, in courteous
accents, 'you really must oblige us.
Unless you are present, the funeral
cannot take place. Hope you won't
disappoint us, sir. I am the undertaker,
sir.' I somehow felt that I had
no choice, and went. The gentleman
in black met me at the door.
Other parties were assembled at the
mansion; but not one of the company—I
thought it rather strange—either
spoke to me, or looked at me, or
showed the least consciousness of my
presence. The undertaker was all
attention; handed round black kid
gloves; fitted first one with a hatband,
then another; and, last of all, addressed
me: 'Now, sir, if you please,
this way, sir; we only wait for you,
sir.' I followed him. He led me into
an adjoining apartment, where stood
the coffin, surrounded by mutes. I
wished to read the name on the lid,
but was prevented by the pall.
How we got to the place of interment,
I recollect not. The only thing
I remember is this: as I saw the
coffin carried down stairs, hoisted into
the hearse, conveyed, hoisted out, and
at last deposited by the side of the
grave—every movement, every jolt,
every thump, seemed to jar my whole
system with a peculiar and horrid
thrill. The service was performed,
the coffin was lowered, the grating of
the ropes grated upon my very soul;
and the dust sprinkled by the sexton
on its lid blew into my mouth and
eyes, as I stood by the brink of the
grave, and looked on. The service
concluded, the undertaker, attendants,
and company withdrew; and, what
d'ye think?—there was I left remaining
in the burial-ground, with no companion
but a solitary gravedigger!
He set to work, and began shovelling
in the clods, to fill the grave. I heard
their thud; I seemed to feel it, as
they rattled in quick succession on the
lid of the coffin.
'You'll soon be filled in and all
right, old feller,' said the gravedigger,
as he proceeded with his work.
A strange idea had gradually occupied
my mind. It seemed absurd—impossible;
and yet it offered the
only conceivable solution of my sensations
at that horrid moment. I
addressed the gravedigger,—
'My friend,' said I, 'have the
goodness to inform me WHOSE funeral
this is.'
'Whose funeral?' replied the
gravedigger. 'Come, that's a good
un. Vhy, it's YOUR OWN.'—I'll trouble
you for a little more punch."