BY AN OLD PENINSULAR.
On the evening of the 13th of February
last, I was sitting in my library,
at my residence in —— Square, when
a double knock at the door announced
the postman. Betty presently entered,
bringing, not as I anticipated, a letter
or two, but a small packet, which
evidently excited her curiosity, as it
did mine.
The first thing upon the said packet
that caught my eye was a large seal
of red wax—the royal arms!—then,
above the direction, "On Her Majesty's
service!"—just beneath, the word,
"Medal!" Yes, the medal that I
had earned five-and-thirty years before,
in the hard-fought fight on the
hill of Toulouse—long expected, it
was come at last! And, let me tell
you, a very handsome medal, too;
well designed, well executed; and
accompanied with a very civil letter,
from that old soldier, and true soldier's
friend, Lord Fitzroy Somerset, the
military secretary. This letter being,
no doubt, precisely the same as hundreds
of "Old Peninsulars" have by
this time received, I presume I am
guilty of no breach of confidence in
here transcribing it for the benefit of
my readers:—
"Horse-Guards, 31st January 1849.
"Sir,—I am directed by the Commander-in-Chief
to transmit to you
the Medal and Clasps graciously
awarded to you by her Majesty under
the general order of the first of June
1847. I have the honour to be, &c.
"Fitzroy Somerset."
As I never attempt to describe
my own feelings, except such as are
describable, I shall not relate what I
now felt on the receipt of this much
desired, anxiously expected medal.
But this I will say;—long live the
Queen! long live Queen Victoria!
God bless her! Oh, it was a kind
thought: it was a gracious act. It
comes to cheer the heart of many an
old soldier, and of many a middle-aged
gentleman like myself, who got nothing
but honour and aching bones
for his share in the Peninsular glories;
and now has something that he can
add to the archives of his family, and
leave to those who come after him.
"Graciously awarded to you by her
Majesty:" Yes; and I feel it as much
so, as if her Majesty's own gracious
hands had placed it in mine. And, if
ever she wants defenders, so long as
this arm can wield—but enough:
romance would be out of place.
After the delivery of the medals
had been proceeding for some time, I
was coming, one morning, out of the
Horse-Guards, when I met old Major
Snaffle, who had just got his. The
major belongs to that class who are
known in the army by the name of
"grumblers;" and, having been
knocked down by the wind of a shot
at the Trocadero, having been brought
away in the last boat but nineteen
from Corunna, having seen the battle
of Salamanca from the top of a tree,
having been seized with the ague but
an hour before the storming of Badajoz,
having again been very ill in the
south of France from eating unripe
grapes, having regularly drawn his
pay and allowances, and never having
been absent from his regiment on sick
leave when he could not get it, now
justly deems himself a very ill-used
man, because more has not been done
for him. "Well, major," said I, "I
wish you joy. So you have got your
medal at last." "Yes," growled the
major, or rather grunted, "at last I
have got it. Long time, though, six-and-thirty
years—long time to wait
for half-a-crown."
My own profession, at present, is
very different from that of arms.
Nor can I presume, having been in
but one general action, to rank with
those brave old fire-eaters of the Peninsular
army, whose medals with
many clasps—bar above bar—tell of
six, seven, eight, critical combats or
more, in which they took a part under
the illustrious Wellington, in Portugal,
in Spain, in the south of France.
By the bye, how I should like to see
the Duke's own medal! What a lot
of bars HE must have!—what a glorious
ladder, step rising above step in
regular succession, when he sits down
to soup in his field-marshal's coat!
But I was going to say—to return
from great things to small—so far
from being able to claim high military
honours for myself, though serving
under his Grace's orders in the Peninsular
war, I was not there at all in a
strictly military capacity. Yet as,
from this very circumstance, I had
opportunities of seeing scenes, characters,
and incidents, connected with
the British army, of a different kind
from those described by other writers
on the subject, I am induced, by the
arrival of my medal, to place on record
a short narrative of my personal adventures
in the Peninsula and south
of France.
Yet, ere I commence the yarn, a
word, one word, for the honoured
dead. Many, who came home
safe from the Peninsula, fell at
Waterloo. Others were borne from
the western ports of Europe across
the Atlantic, to be marks for Kentucky
riflemen and New England
bushfighters. Of the survivors, multitudes
upon multitudes have gradually
dropped off; and those who now remain,
of the legions that conquered at
Vimeira, at Vittoria, and at Orthes,
to receive her Majesty's gracious
gift, are probably fewer in number
than those who are gone. One "Old
Peninsular" I have heard of, in whose
own family and connexions, had all
lived, there would have been fourteen
or fifteen claimants of the medal. He
is now, if he still survives, the only
one left. In my own connexions we
should have made seven; and now,
besides myself, there remains only
one venerable uncle, who is comfortably
located in a snug berth in Canada.
There was my honoured father, who
received the thanks of parliament for
his services at Corunna, and pounded
the French batteries at Cadiz. There
was my cousin, Tom Impett, of the
53d, whom I found with a musket-ball
in his leg two days after the
battle of Toulouse, in a house full of
wounded men and officers. He died
in Canada. There was another venerable
uncle, as kind an uncle as ever
breathed, and as honest a man as
ever lived. He died, to his honour,
far from rich, after having been personally
responsible for millions upon
millions of public money, the sinews
of war, all paid away in hard cash for
our Peninsular expenses. He was generally
known at headquarters by a
comical modification of his two Christian
names. There was Captain, afterwards
Colonel B——, of the Royal
Engineers, a quiet, mild-tempered
man, with military ardour glowing in
his breast—the man of education and
the gentleman. We met near the
platform of St Cyprien; and he had
the kindness to entertain me with a
calm disquisition on the fight, while
we were both in the thick of it. He
had his share of professional employment
in the Peninsular sieges, and got
a bad wound or two; but lived to
fortify Spike Island, and was at length
lost at sea. And then there was colonel
H——, who commanded a Portuguese
brigade with the rank of brigadier-general—an
extraordinary composition
of waggery, shrewdness, chivalry,
and professional talent. He
came down to Lisbon while I was
there, on his way to England, quite
worn out with hard service and the
effect of his wounds, or, as he told us
himself, "unripped at every seam."
He died not many days after, on his
passage to England.
Now for myself. I commenced
keeping my terms at Trinity College,
Cambridge, in the year 1809, the
seventeenth of my age. A college
life was not altogether my own choice;
for nearly all the males of my family,
for three generations, had served or
were serving their country either in
the army, navy, or marines, to the
number of some ten or twelve; and I
myself had always looked forward to
wearing the king's uniform. Moreover,
as the Peninsular war had already
commenced when I went to college,
and I had learned at school the
use of the broadsword and small
sword, had been drilled, and could
handle a musket, my thoughts often
turned to military scenes, especially
when I read in the daily journals of
victories won, first by Sir Arthur
Wellesley, then by Lord Wellington.
But, once at Cambridge, I caught the
fever of academic emulation. My
cousin B—— (brother of the Captain
B—— above mentioned,) had been
senior wrangler, and had given me
some useful hints as to the mode of
reading with effect; I read hard, obtained
a Trinity scholarship in my first
year, first class the same year, ditto
the second year, and stood fair for a
place among the wranglers. But now
my health broke; not, however, from
hard living, but from hard study. I
was compelled to give up; and, not
choosing to read for a middling degree
after having been booked for a high
one, determined to go out among the
hoys. Now my penchant for military
adventure returned with full force. I
was miserably out of health, with an
excellent constitution—in proof of
which I always found that I lost
ground by nursing, but gained by a
rough open-air life. A campaign or
two would be just the thing for me.
And I beg to offer this suggestion to
growing young gentlemen who are
sickly, and consequently hipped, as I
was. If, with rough living—that is,
with much moving about, and constant
exposure to the atmosphere—you grow
worse, I can give you no comfort; you
are a poor creature, take all the care
of yourself you can. But if, with the
same kind of life, you grow better,
stronger, stouter, heartier, saucier,
depend upon it, you have some stamina.
This was my case. I saw
that a sedentary life was not the life I
was made for; an active life was the
life for me; and my thoughts dwelt
more and more on the Peninsula. I
rubbed up my French, procured a
Gil Blas in Spanish, ditto in Portuguese,
a Portuguese and a Spanish
grammar, and, for a sick man, made
wonderful progress in all the three
languages.
But, alas! there was a hitch. I
was an only son, and an only child—intended
for the law! My dear father
had already made me a present, while
at school, of Fortescue De Laudibus;
and I had already gobbled up a portion
of that excellent work—for I was
always an omnivorous reader—and
had digested it too. And then what
would my dear mother say, if I talked
to her about going to be shot at for
the benefit of my health? It was a
delicate point to manage, and how to
manage it I knew not.
In the long vacation of 1812, which
closed my third year at Trinity College,
Cambridge, I brought matters
to an explanation. My father's
ship, the——, 74, was then in the
Downs, and we had lodgings on Walmer
beach. I stated my desire to
enter the army, and my firm conviction
that nothing else would restore
my shattered constitution. But my
father was inflexible, my mother answered
all my arguments, and I saw
that I had no chance.
But when one way of gaining an
object fails, another sometimes presents
itself. My two uncles, of whom
I have spoken, were already in the
Peninsula, both of them in the same
department, the senior at the head of
it, with the privilege of occasionally
nominating his own clerks. Their
friends in England heard from them
now and then; and I saw a letter
from my senior uncle to a particular
old crony of his own, who had influential
connexions, asking him why he
did not come out to the army with the
rank of A. D. P. M. G.,[16] instead of
staying at home, and eating roast pig
for supper.
Like all the hipped, a miserable
race, I was constantly thinking about
myself; and now a happy thought
struck me. As to parliamentary interest,
to be sure I had none. Besides,
being under one-and-twenty, I was
not of an age to aspire to an officer's
rank, in a department of so much responsibility
as the paymaster-general's;
therefore, the above standing
of assistant-deputy, which put an
epaulet on the shoulder at once, was
not to be thought of. But then, if
Buonaparte would only have the kindness
to keep us in hot water two or
three years longer, I might rise to the
said rank by previous good conduct in
the office of clerk, and that my uncle
could get me at once.
I again broke ground with my
honoured parents. My father assured
me that, if I went to Lisbon, where he
had been stationed with his ship, I
should find it a hell upon earth:
though I afterwards learned that he
had contrived to spend a tolerably
happy life there. "And as to your
being attached to headquarters, and
following the movements of the army,
I," said he, "have seen quite enough
of service ashore to be able to tell you
that you will be soon sick of that."
But, to cut the story short, my dear
mother now began to incline to my
view of the subject. To be sure a
clerkship was not exactly what they
had thought of for me—but it might
lead to something better—no man's
education was complete without a tour
on the Continent—the usual tour
through France, Italy, and the south
of Germany, was rendered impossible
by the war—and where, in all Europe,
could a young man travel, except in
Spain and Portugal? Fighting, and
paying those who fought, were different
things—I might keep out of the
way of bullets, and yet contrive to see
the world. In short, these arguments
prevailed. A letter was written out
to my uncle, begging him to write a
letter to the head office in London,
nominating me as one of his clerks for
Peninsular service. I went back to
Cambridge, attacked Spanish and
Portuguese with renewed ferocity,
took my degree of A. B., and returned
home in the early part of 1813, just in
time to meet a letter from the best of
uncles, stating that he had written to
the home authorities, and was anxiously
expecting my valuable assistance
in the Peninsula.
Nothing was now wanting but the
nomination from London. That anxious
month! Morning after morning I
watched for the postman's knock;
and, at every such summons, it was
myself that opened the door to him.
But great bodies move slowly, and
official dignity delights to announce
itself by tardiness of action. At
length the wished-for communication
arrived; a letter, "On His Majesty's
Service," of no common magnitude;
a seal of correspondent amplitude;
and an intimation, in terms of stately
brevity, that I was appointed a clerk
of the military chest attached to the
Peninsular army, and was to attend
at the office in London to receive my
instructions.
During that month the bustle of
preparation, in our usually quiet domicile,
had been immense. Stockings
sufficient to set up a Cheapside hosier,
shirts enough for a voyage to India,
flannel commensurate with a visit to
the North Pole—everything, in short,
that could be thought of, was prepared
for the occasion with kind and provident
care. I said farewell, reached
London, reported myself, got my
orders and an advance, booked my
place for Falmouth, and found myself
the same evening a passenger to Exeter
by the fast coach.
In those times, the journey from
London to Falmouth by the fast coach
was a light off-hand affair of two
nights and two days. We reached
Exeter on the second night, and there
I was allowed the indulgence of three
hours' bed, till the Falmouth coach
was ready to start. As part of the
said three hours was occupied in undressing
and dressing, and part also
in saying my prayers, I entered the
new vehicle far more disposed for
sleep than for conversation. But
there I found, to my consternation, a
very chatty passenger, perfectly fresh!
He was a man of universal information—in
short, a talented individual,
and an intellectual character; had his
own ideas upon morals, politics, theology,
physics, metaphysics, and general
literature; was particularly anxious
to impart them; and was travelling to
obtain orders in the rum and hollands
line. Ah, what a night was that!
Oh the dismal suffering which a prosy
talker inflicts on a weary head! Of all
nuisances, the most unconscious is
the bore. I do think the Speaker of
the House of Commons is the most ill-used
man in the three kingdoms. Reflect:
he must not only hear—he
must listen! And then think what a
time!—hour after hour, and day after
day! For a period amounting, in the
aggregate, to no small portion of the
life of man, must that unfortunate victim
of British institutions sit and
hearken to
"Now a louder, now a weaker,
Now a snorter, now a squeaker;
How I pity Mr Speaker!"
Some portion of such suffering I myself
was now compelled to endure, by
my communicative friend in the Falmouth
coach. To be sure, it was
only a single proser; but then there
was variety in one. He commenced
by a few remarks on the weather, by
which he introduced a disquisition on
meteorology. He then passed, by an
easy transition, to the question of
secondary punishments; glanced at
the theory of gravitation; dwelt for
some time on heraldry; touched on
hydrostatics; was large on logarithms;
then digressed on the American war;
proposed emendations of our authorised
version; discussed the Neptunian
theory; and at length suspended
his course, to inform me that I was
decidedly the most agreeable fellow-traveller
he had ever met with. The
fact is, I was sitting up all this time
in the corner of the coach, in a state
of agony and indignation indescribable,
meditating some mode of putting a
stop to the annoyance, and mentally
seeking a solution to the question—What
right has a very stupid person
to make your brain a thoroughfare
for his stupid ideas, especially when
you would particularly like to go to
sleep? He mistook my silence for
attention, and thought he was appreciated.
This went on till daylight—continued
to breakfast-time—proceeded
during breakfast—ceased not when
we had re-entered the coach-talk,
talk, talk, de omnibus rebus et quibusdam
aliis—still the same stream of
stuff. That long, that dreary journey
from Exeter to Falmouth! The soft
lull of somnolency came at length to
my relief; and I began to nod my
assent, much to my tormentor's gratification.
But presently I was dead
asleep; and, most unfortunately, my
head dropped forward into the pit of
his stomach. The breath, knocked
out of his body, escaped with a gasp,
like an Indian's "ugh!" In a moment
I was broad awake, and made a thousand
apologies, which he politely accepted,
and renewed the thread of his
discourse. Again, I dropped off; and
again my head dropped forward.
Another "ugh!" another ocean of
apologies, another resumption of the
endless yarn. The other passengers,
two sedate and remarkably silent
gentlemen of Falmouth, in broad-brimmed
hats and drab coats of a
peculiar cut, had each his weather-eye
open, and began to enjoy the joke
amazingly. Gradually, once more,
the incessant clack subsided in my
ears to a pleasing hum; I was off;
the cervical, dorsal, and lumbar
muscles once more lost their tension
beneath the narcotic influence of
incessant sound; and my drowsy
head gave a pitch as before, with the
same results—"ugh!"—apologies unlimited—ditto
accepted—and more
yarn. The Quakers—I beg their
pardon, the "Friends"—are, you
must know, eminently humourists.
This, please to take notice, arises from
their superior intelligence, and high
degree of mental culture; the result
of which is high susceptibility. You
might now have seen, in our two fellow-travellers
in the Falmouth coach,
what you would see nowhere but in
their "connexion"—two men ready to
die of laughing, and each looking as
grave as a judge. For a few miles it
went on. Talk—sleep—head pitched
into bread-basket—"ugh!"—pungent
and profound regrets—regrets accepted—talk
recommenced—and so on
with a perpetual da capo. At length
the most gifted of gratuitous lecturers
began to perceive that he was
contributing to the amusement of the
party in a way that he had not intended,
and grew indignant. But I pacified
him, as we drove into Falmouth,
by politely soliciting a card of his
house; stepped out of the coach into
the coffee-room of the hotel, out of
the coffee-room into bed as soon as it
was ready, and made up for two
sleepless nights by not coming down to
breakfast till two o'clock the next day.
The Lisbon packet was not to sail
for a week. My extra baggage
arrived in due time by the heavy;
and I occupied the interval, as best I
could, in a pedestrian survey of the
environs of Falmouth, walks to Truro,
Pendennis Castle, &c. I was much
delighted with clouted cream, and
gave the landlady an unlimited order
always to let me have a john dory for
dinner, when there was one in the
market. N.B.—No place like Falmouth
for john dories. Clouted cream
always ask for, when you go into the
West—very good with tea, not bad
with coffee; and mem., unimpeachable
with apple-pie.
The packet, that was to have the
honour of conveying me from Falmouth
to Lisbon, was a little tub of a gun-brig,
yclept the Princess Wilhelmina.
Judging from her entire want of all
the qualities requisite for the service
on which she was employed, I presume
she must have obtained the
situation through some member of
parliament. Her captain was laid up
with the gout; and we were to be
commanded by the mate, who turned
out to be a Yankee, and an ugly customer;
but more of him anon. At
the same hotel where I had established
my habitat, was a military party,
three in number, waiting, like myself,
for the sailing of the packet; yet not,
like myself, men fresh in the service,
but all three regular "Peninsulars"—men
who had returned on leave from
the British army, and were now about
to join, in time for the opening of the
campaign. They had established
themselves in a front drawing-room
on the first floor, seemed very fond of
music, and had good voices. But as
they always sang together, and each
sang his own song, it was not easy to
determine the vocal powers of each.
The coffee-room was quite good enough
for me; and there I had the honour
of forming the acquaintance of another
fellow-voyager that was to be—a
partner in a large London house in
the Manchester line, whom, to avoid
personality, I beg leave to distinguish
by the name of Gingham. He had
many of the peculiarities of Cockneyism,
and some that were entirely his
own; but I found him a very pleasant
companion, and we perambulated the
town and neighbourhood in company.
My first chapter brought me, on my
way to Portugal, as far as the Royal
Hotel, Falmouth. At this stage of
my travels, I must beg to detain the
reader for a short space; for here it is
that I may be said to have had my
seasoning; here, in fact, I obtained
my first introduction to military society,
and to military life, as it prevailed
at the British headquarters in
the Peninsula. This advantage I
gained by falling in with the party of
"Peninsulars" already mentioned,
who were on their way out, like myself.
I must also make my readers
better acquainted with my friend
Gingham, whom I hope they will not
dislike on further knowledge. Gingham
and I afterwards campaigned in
company. I must premise that he
had a touch of romance; and, as I
afterwards discovered, had not been
brought up as a merchant.
It was the early spring of 1813: a
year big with events of import to
Spain, to France, to England, and, in
fact, to the whole of Europe. On
leaving London by the fast coach, we
had bowled away over frozen roads.
But at Falmouth, the trees were budding
in the hedgerows, the sun was
shining, the birds were singing; while
the soft air stole gently by, and,
whispering, sportively saluted us as it
passed, like some coy nymph invisible—that
idea was Gingham's—the sky
was clear, and the haze danced in the
sunshine on the distant hills—Gingham
again. Towards the afternoon, it
generally fell calm. The capacious
harbour, smooth as glass, though
gently undulating at its entrance, with
the swell of the Atlantic that rolled
lazily in, bore on its bosom not only
the tub-like Princess Wilhelmina and
her Yankee mate, but many a noble
vessel of ampler tonnage, that showed
no water-line in the transparent and
silent mirror on which it floated, and
seemed to hang suspended between
earth and heaven, motionless in the
sun-lit and misty ether.
A very odd fish was that Gingham.
We enjoyed our walks amazingly.
He was going out to Lisbon in a large
way, on a mission of mercantile speculation,
with full authority from his
firm to do anything and everything,
whether in the way of contracts for
the army, buying up commissariat
bills, engaging in monetary transactions,
or, above all—for that was his
chief object—forming a Peninsular connexion,
and opening a new market for
British goods. His was, indeed, a
voyage of enterprise and of discovery;
not, however, his first. His manners
were precise. He was a higgler in
little things, but had large ideas, and
lots of gentlemanly feeling. Like
many other Cockneys of those days,
he was always dressed, and always
conscious of being dressed. His hat
was white, with the exception of the
interior green of the brim, which
matched with his spectacles. His
gloves were white, his unmentionables
were white, and so was his waistcoat.
His white cravat was tied before in a
sort of pilot-balloon, or white rosicrucian
puff. His hair also was
pomatum'd, and powdered white.
His very pigtail, all but the narrow
silk ribbon that held it together, was
white. His coat was not white, but
a light pepper-and-salt, approaching
to white. On the whole, there was
so much white in his general appearance,
that on board the packet he at
once received the name of "the white
man." He was generally well-informed,
but particularly so in matters
of commerce. Our intimacy increased
rapidly, and I afterwards, indeed very
soon, found the advantage of it. He
was naturally of a communicative disposition,
while he had much to communicate
that was worth knowing.
In me he found a willing hearer; for
I was glad to receive any kind of useful
information. With the prospect
before us of a campaign in common,
we soon knocked up a sort of friendship.
Gingham could do the handsome
thing. Two days before our embarkation
he insisted on my dining with
him—taking my chop with him, he
called it—in return for half a beefsteak,
which he had accepted from
me at breakfast, his own being delayed.
I entered the coffee-room at
the appointed hour; but was ushered
up stairs into a private room with
some degree of ceremony by the
waiter, who, I observed, had on
gloves, knees, silk stockings, and
pumps.
Gingham was there. He had ordered
a regular spread. We sat down.
The landlord, who had not hitherto
made himself visible, emerged on this
festive occasion, brought in the soup,
bowed, and retired. Gingham said
grace. The soup excellent: it was
turtle! "Capital turtle!" said I;
"had no idea that anything half so
good was to be had in all Falmouth."
"Always take a small stock when I
travel," said Gingham; "got a dozen
three-quart cases from Cornhill. Just
found room for it in my travelling
store-closet." "Travelling store-closet!"
thought I: "what a capital
fellow to campaign with!"
Soup removed. Re-enter landlord,
attended by waiter. John dory, in
compliment to me, splendid. Large
soles, fried. "I despise the man
that boils a sole," said Gingham. It
was despicable, I admitted. "My
dear sir," said he, "allow me to lay
down a principle, which you will find
useful as long as you live. With
boiled fish—turbot, for instance, or
john dory—always take sauce. You
did quite right, in allowing me to
help you to sauce just now. But with
fried fish, at least with fried sole—this,
for instance—never, never permit
sauce or melted butter to be put
upon your plate." It was a manœuvre
to get me to try the sole, after the
john dory. "Fried sole without
butter?" said I. "Try it my way,"
said Gingham, helping me: "take
some salt—that's right—now put to
that a modicum of cayenne—there—a
little more—don't be afraid of putting
enough—cayenne, though hot, is not
heating, like common pepper—now
mix them well together with the point
of your knife." I obeyed implicitly.
"Now then," said Gingham, with a
look of exultation, "TRY THAT." I
tried it; and owned that I had never
known, till then, the right way of
eating fried sole. It was excellent,
even after the john dory. Try it, only
try it, the first time a fried sole appears
on the dinner table, under which
are your legs.
A peculiar sound at the side-table
now announced that he of the pumps
was opening a bottle of champagne.
Up to that moment we had managed
to put up with Madeira, which was
the fashionable dinner wine in those
days. N.B.—Good wine to be got at
Falmouth. It comes direct from
abroad, not viâ London.
Fish removed. Door opens. Though
rejoicing in those days in a very fair
appetite, I was rather alarmed, after
such a commencement of our humble
meal, at the thought of what might be
coming. But Gingham had a delicacy
of taste, which never overdid things.
Enter once more the landlord, bearing
an elegant little saddle of Dartmoor
mutton, and audibly whispering to the
waiter, "Boiled fowls and tongue to
follow." I commenced this history
with a resolution to conceal nothing;
therefore, away with reserve: both
mutton, fowls, and tongue were excellent.
"A little more Madeira, Mr
Y—," said Gingham. The currant
jelly had distasted my mouth. I
merely put the glass to my lips, and
set it down again. Gingham observed,
and at once discovered the reason.
"Take a mouthful of potato," said
Gingham, "the hottest you can find
in the dish." My taste was restored.
Table cleared again. I hoped the
next entrée would be the cheese and
celery.
During the short armistice, Gingham,
who delighted to communicate
useful knowledge, resumed the subject
of the potato. Like all merchants
who pay frequent visits to the Peninsula—and
Gingham had been there
often—he was knowing in wines, and
in everything vinous. "Yes," said
he, "nothing like a mouthful of hot
potato to make you taste wine. There
are lots of things besides, but none
equal to that. The invention is my
own."
"Then," replied I, "I presume you
use it at Oporto and Xeres, when you
make purchases?"
"Why, not exactly that neither,"
said he. "The worst of it is, it makes
all wine relish alike, bad as well as
good. Now, in buying wine, you
want something to distinguish the
good wine from the bad. And for
this purpose—" The landlord and
waiter reappeared.
"Sorry, Mr Y—, there is no game,"
said Gingham. "Fine jack hare in
the larder this morning, but rather
late in the season. Wouldn't have it.
Can you finish off with one or two
light things in the French way?"
"My dear sir, my dear sir!"
The table was this time covered
with such a display of pâtisserie, macaroni,
and made dishes, as would have
formed of itself a very handsome
petit souper for half-a-dozen people.
Gingham wanted me to try everything,
and set me an example.
The whole concluded, and the cloth
about to be removed, "Mr Gingham,"
said I, "you said grace before
dinner, and I think I ought to say
grace now." The waiter drew up
reverently with his back to the sideboard,
adjusted his neckcloth, and
tightened with his right hand the glove
upon his left.
We sat sipping our wine, and nibbling
at a very handsome dessert. I
wanted to know more about distinguishing
good wine from bad.
"I have made large purchases of
wine on commission," said Gingham,
"for private friends; and that, you
know, is a delicate business, and
sometimes a thankless one. But I
never bought a bad lot yet; and if
they found fault with it, I wouldn't
let them have it—kept it myself, or
sold it for more in the market."
"You were just on the point," said
I, "of mentioning a method of distinguishing
good wine from bad."
"Well," replied he, "those fellows
there, on the other side of the Bay of
Biscay, have methods innumerable.
After all, taste, judgment, and experience
must decide. The Oporto
wine-merchants, who know what
they are about, use a sort of silver
saucer, with its centre bulging upwards.
In this saucer they make the
wine spin round. My plan is different."
"I should like to know it," said I.
"Well, sir," said he, "mix with
water—two-thirds water to one-third
wine. Then try it."
"Well?"
"If there is any bad taste in the
wine, the mixing brings it out. Did
you never notice in London, even if
the port or sherry seems passable
alone, when you water it the compound
is truly horrid, too nauseous to drink?"
"The fact is, though a moderate
man, I am not very fond of watering
wine."
"The fact is," continued Gingham,
"there is very little good wine to be
got in London, always excepting such
places, for instance, as the Chapter.
When you return, after having tasted
wine in the wine countries, you will
be of my opinion. Much that you get
is merely poor wine of the inferior
growths, coloured, flavoured, and
dressed up with bad brandy for the
London market. That sort comes
from abroad. And much that you
get is not wine at all, but a decoction;
a vile decoction, sir; not a drop of
wine in its composition. That sort is
the London particular." I felt that I
was receiving ideas.
"Now, sir," said Gingham, "my
cold-water test detects this. If what
you get for wine is a decoction, a
compound, and nothing but a compound,
no wine in it, then the water—about
two-thirds to one-third—detects
the filthy reality. Add a
lump or two of sugar, and you get as
beastly a dose of physic as was ever
made up in a doctor's shop."
"Just such a dose," I replied, "as
I remember getting, now you mention
it, as I came down here by the fast
coach, at an inn where I asked, by
way of a change, for a glass of cold
white-wine negus. The slice of lemon
was an improvement, having done
duty before in a glass of gin punch."
"Shouldn't wonder," said Gingham.
"And if what you buy for port
or sherry be not absolutely a decoction,
but only inferior wine made up,
then the water equally acts as a detective.
For the dilution has the
effect of separating, so to speak, the
respective tastes of the component
parts—brings them out, sir; and you
get each distinct. You get, on the
one hand, the taste of the bad brandy,
harsh, raw, and empyreumatic: and
you get, on the other hand, the taste
of the poor, paltry wine, wretched
stuff, the true vinho ordinario flavour,
that makes you think at once of some
dirty roadside Portuguese posada,
swarming with fleas."
"But what if you water really good
wine?"
"Why, then," said Gingham, "the
flavour, though diluted, is still the
flavour of good wine."
"I should like," said I, "to be
knowing in wines."
Seeing in me a willing learner, he
was about to open. But at this moment
the mail drove into the yard of
the hotel; and, knowing that Gingham
was always ravenous for the
London journals on their first arrival,
I insisted on our going down into the
public room, taking a cup of coffee,
and reading the papers. We had
talked about wines; but, being neither
of us topers, had taken only a moderate
quantum suff., though all of the
best kind. Gingham, out of compliment
to me, wished to prolong the
sitting. But, knowing his penchant
for a wet newspaper, I was inflexible.
We rose from the table.
I felt that I had been handsomely
entertained, and that something handsome
ought to be said. The pleasing
consciousness, however, of having
eaten a good dinner, though it excited
my finest feelings, did not confer the
faculty of expressing them. I began:
"Sir, Mr Gingham; I feel we
ought not to leave this room, till I
have expressed the emotions—" Then,
taking a new departure, "Really, sir,
your kind hospitality to a comparative
stranger—"
"Well, sir," said Gingham, laughing,
"I will tell you how it was. Do
you remember your first breakfast in
the coffee-room, the day after your
arrival by the mail? I was present,
and enjoyed it amazingly."
"Oh, sir! oh, sir!" said I, a leetle
taken aback; "really I was enormously
hungry. In fact I had eaten
nothing during my two days' previous
journey; and was so sleepy on my
arrival, that I got to bed as fast as I
could, without thinking of ordering
supper. And when I came down
next morning, or rather afternoon,
why, to tell you the truth, I made it
breakfast and dinner in one; and
perhaps I did seem a little savage in
my first onset on the Falmouth—"
"No, NO, NO!" exclaimed Gingham,
interrupting me. "That was
not it. No, NO, NO! far from it.
My dear sir, you merely disposed of
two or three plates of ham and eggs;
then a few muffins, with about half-a-dozen
basins of tea. After that—let
me see—after that, to the best of
my recollection—after that, you took
nothing, no, nothing, but the mutton
chops. No, sir, it was not the quantity.
I have often made as hearty a
meal myself; and, if we campaign
together, I trust we shall often make
as hearty a meal together. Nothing
like campaigning for an appetite. No,
sir; that was not it. It was your
manner of taking it."
"My manner of taking it? Really!
And pray what did you see in my
manner of taking it?"
"Sir," said Gingham, with emotion,
"I know this house. I have
long used this house. Everything in
this house is good. The accommodation
is good. The attendance is
good. The wine is good. The dinners
are good. The breakfasts are
good. Now, sir, I have seen some
persons conduct themselves in this
house in a manner that filled me
with scorn, disgust, and indignation.
They arrive by the London mail, sir,
as you did, and go to bed. In the
morning they come down into the
public room, and order breakfast.
They breakfast, not like you, my dear
sir, very moderately, but enormously.
That I could forgive; after a long
journey it is excusable. But, sir,
what I cannot tolerate is this: They
find fault with everything. The tea
is bad; the coffee is bad. They take
up the silver cream-jug; examine the
clouted cream; smell to it—yes, sir;
they actually smell to it—and smelling
to anything, I need not say, is as
great a bêtise as a man can commit at
table—ask the waiter what he means
by bringing them such stuff as that;
and, before they have done, gobble
up the whole, and perhaps call for
more."
"Call for more? Why, that, I
think, is exactly what I did."
"Yes, my dear sir," said Gingham,
"you enjoyed it; and you
took a pretty good lot of it; but you
did not find fault with it. Not so the
people I am talking of. The fact is,
sir, we Londoners have a great idea
of keeping up our dignity. These
persons wish to pass for people of
importance; and they think importance
is announced by finding fault.
Item, they are enormously, indecently
hungry, and fully intend to make
a breakfast for two, but wish to do it
surreptitiously. On the arrival of
the beefsteak, they turn round the
dish, and look at it contemptuously,
longing, all the while, to fall to.
Yes, sir, they turn round the dish
two or three times; then stick their
fork into the steak, and turn it over
and over; perhaps hold it up, suspended
by a single prong, and examine
it critically; and end all by
pushing away their plate, drawing
the dish into its place, and bolting
the whole beefsteak, without taking
time to masticate. Sir, there was a
man in that coffee-room this morning,
who grumbled at everything, and ate
like a dog. In short, they clear the
table of eatables and drinkables; then
call the waiter, and reproach him,
with a savage look, for bringing them
a tough beefsteak; and, in a plaintive
voice, like ill-used men, inquire if
there is any cold meat-pie."
I owned, from personal observation
in the public room, to the general
correctness of this sketch.
"Now you, sir," continued Gingham,
"enjoyed your breakfast, and
made a good one; but found fault
with nothing; because, I presume,
there was nothing to find fault with.
I like to see a man enjoy his meals.
And if he does, I like to see him
show it. It is one of the tokens by
which I judge of character. Your
conduct, my dear sir, commanded my
respect. Shall I say more? It won
my esteem. Then and there my resolution
was formed, to invite you, at
the first convenient opportunity, to
partake of my humble hospitality."
It was too much. I extended my
fist. A shaking of hands, of some
continuance—cordial on my part, and
evidently so on Gingham's, by the
pain I felt in my shoulder.
"Well, sir," said Gingham, "I had
already learned that you were a passenger
for the Peninsula. I was a
passenger for the Peninsula; and, as
we were to sail together, and probably
to campaign together, I resolved
to introduce myself. I said,
this lad—I beg your pardon, this
youth—excuse me, this gentleman,
this young gentleman—for I guess
you have some ten years the advantage
of me in that respect—this
gentleman is, like myself, bound for
the headquarters of the Peninsular
army. I know something of campaigning;
he knows nothing. We
campaign together."
"Well now," said I, "that is just
what I should like amazingly."
Gingham now took the initiative,
and put forth his paw. Again we
tackled, and, in the true pump-handle
style, so dear to Englishmen, expressed
mutual cordiality: only that
this time, being better prepared, I
reversed the electric stream, and
brought tears into Gingham's eyes.
He sung out, "Oh!" and rubbed his
arm.
"The rest," said Gingham, "is
easily told. After breakfast you
walked out into the court-yard, lit a
cigar, and stood on the steps. I lit
another, followed, and had the pleasure
of making your acquaintance."
I gave audible expression to my
profound self-congratulations.
"Allow me, however, to add," said
Gingham, "you raised yourself greatly
in my esteem by asking the waiter
for a red herring. The request
evinced a superiority to vulgar prejudices.
Your way of putting it, too,
was in perfect good keeping: for you
did not commit yourself by ordering
a red herring; but asked whether
you could have one in the coffee-room.
Believe me, I was pained,
when he stated that red herrings
were not permitted; and could but
admire your self-denial, in accepting,
as a substitute, the mutton-chops."
We adjourned to the public room.
Gingham had entertained me hospitably
and handsomely. Yet this was
the same Gingham who, when I made
him take part of my beefsteak at
breakfast, because his own was delayed,
proposed that we should desire
the waiter to tell the landlady to
charge only half a beefsteak to me,
and half a beefsteak to him, Gingham.
My rejection of this proposal
was the immediate occasion of the
dinner, at which the reader has just
been present.
While we were eviscerating the
papers, fresh from London, Gingham
leaned over the table, with the air of
a man who had something important
to communicate. He looked me earnestly
in the face.
"Mr Y——," said he, "what do you
say—to a red herring—this evening—for
supper?"
"Thank you. You must excuse
me. Nothing more to-night, but one
cup of coffee, and perhaps a cigar.
Not even an anchovy toast. I really
couldn't."
"Well, then," said Gingham, "to-morrow
at breakfast. We will engage
a room up stairs, and ask leave
of nobody. I have brought down a
small barrel from London—always
take some when I visit the Peninsula—get
them in Lower Thames
Street. You will pronounce them
excellent."
The offer was too good to be declined.
Next morning we ordered breakfast
up stairs. Indeed, a fire had
been lit in one of the parlours, by
Gingham's directions; and there I
found him, with the table laid, and
the herrings ready for cooking. Gingham
had secured a small Dutch oven;
not with the design of baking the
herrings—no, no, he knew better
than that—but to keep them hot
when done. The doing he reserved
to himself, on the plea of experience.
I was not to assist, except in eating
them.
"Do you understand cookery, Mr
Y—?" said Gingham.
I ingenuously owned my deficiency
in that branch of education, which is
no part of the Cambridge curriculum.
"Three months at headquarters,"
said he, "will make you an excellent
cook."
It so happened that the parlour, in
which we had located ourselves for
the purpose of cooking our herrings,
was not that in which we had dined
the day before, but one adjoining the
larger apartment occupied by the
three military gentlemen, with whom
we were to cross the Bay of Biscay.
A boarding, removable at pleasure,
was the only separation between the
two rooms. We had not yet become
acquainted.
Shortly after I joined Gingham,
two of the three entered their parlour;
presently the third followed. They
rang the bell, and ordered breakfast,
all in high good humour, and talking
incessantly. We were not listeners,
but could not help hearing every word
that was said.
"Good blow-out that, yesterday."—"Pity
we didn't know of it sooner;
might as well have dined with them."—"Turtle,
too."—"'Pon your honour?"—"Turtle,
and lots of champagne.
Caught the waiter swigging off
the end of a bottle in the passage."—"Who
are they?"—"Don't know;
can't make them out. Both going
out with us in the packet, though."—"Think
I remember seeing the white
fellow at Cadiz; almost sure I did;
and afterwards again at Madrid. Always
wore his hair in that way, well
floured and larded, except when it
was too hot, and combed down
straight on each side of his ugly face."—"What
a nose! Prodigious! A
regular proboscis."—"Yes, and all on
one side, like the rudder of a barge."—"Let
me tell you, a very good thing;
for if it was straight, it would be
always in his way."—"Always in his
way? Why it would trip him up
when he walked."—Omnes, "Ha, ha,
ha."—"Going with us, do you say?
Hope he don't snore. Why, such a
tromba as that would keep a whole
line-of-battle ship awake."—"Bet
you a dollar he's blind of one eye."—"Done."
"Done. Book it, major."—"I'll
trouble you for a dollar. He
does walk a little sideways, but it isn't
his eye."—"What is it, then? One-eyed
people always walk sideways."—"Why,
I'll tell you, now. It's a
principle which most people observe
through life."—"What principle?"—"Guess."—"Come,
tell us, old fellow.
None of your nonsense."—"D'ye
give it up?"—"Yes, I give it
up. Come, tell us."—"Follow your
nose."—Omnes, "Ha, ha, ha."—"Capital!
capital! That's the best
we've had for some time. Follow
your nose! Capital! Ha, ha, ha."—"Well,
that's it, depend upon it.
Other people follow their noses by
walking straight forward. That white
fellow walks sideways, but still follows
his nose."—"No, no, major. Your
theory is fallacious. When he walks
his nose points backwards. His nose
points over his left shoulder, and he
walks right shoulders forward." I
looked at Gingham, and laughed.
Gingham was looking rather grave,
and feeling his nose. "No, no. I
tell you he walks left shoulders forward."—"Bet
you a dollar."—"Done."—"Done.
Book it, major."—"I'll
trouble you for a dollar. Saw
him this morning, all in a bustle.
Took particular notice of his nose."—"Who
is the young chap?"—"Oh,
he's a regular Johnny Newcome, that's
evident."—"Johnny Newcome? Yes;
but I wish he wasn't such a chap for
john dories. Price in the market is
doubled." Gingham laughed and
looked at me. "Suppose he's a sub
going out to join his regiment."—"No,
no. Got such lots of baggage.
No regimental officer would be ass
enough to take such a heap of trunks.
Load for three mules."—"He'll soon
knock up. Those long fellows always
knock up."—"Shouldn't wonder if he
gets the fever next autumn. Then
what will his mammy say?"—"Well,
but what did they dine about? Thousand
pities we did not join them."—"Oh,
I suppose it was something of
a parting feed; taking leave of Old
England, you know: toasting Miss
Ann Chovy, Miss Mary Gold, Miss
Polly Anthus, and all that kind of
thing."—"Hang it all; a good dinner
for eight people; thousand pities we
missed it."
By this time, our cookery was proceeding
in due course. Two splendid
bloaters, whole, lay extended where
chestnuts are roasted; while two more,
split open, hung suspended from a large
toasting-fork, held by Gingham, who
told me to look and learn, but not to
meddle. With a clear bright fire, they
soon began to spit. Nor was there
wanting another token of our operations.
For now the savoury odour of
four red herrings, simultaneously under
a brisk process of culinary preparation,
diffused itself through the
apartment, and no doubt through the
whole hotel, from the cellar to the
attics. The effect on our friends in
the next room was instantaneous.
Conversation ceased. Then there was
a deal of sniffing—then audible whispering
and suppressed laughter—then
again, a dead silence. Gingham and
I exchanged looks. "We must be
acquainted," said Gingham, quietly;
"and the sooner the better." I saw
he had made up his mind, and was
prepared for what was about to take
place. Then the conversation was
heard a little louder, but not distinguishable.
There was evidently a
council of war. Much laughter. Then,
audibly spoken, "Are you fond of
herrings?"—"Very; capital for
breakfast."—"So am I, very; that is,
of red herrings. Fresh, can't endure
them."—"Nor I; they have such a
horrid SMELL. But a bloater,—often
dined off them up the country; didn't
we, major?"—"Oh yes, lots of times.
But you were moderate. Never could
manage above half-a-dozen at a sitting."—"Ring
for the waiter."—"No,
no; nonsense. Major M—, YOU."
After a moment's pause, one of the
party left the room; walked, apparently
to the end of the passage; then
walked back again; opened our door;
entered, and politely apologised for
the mistake. He was a middle-aged,
well-built, gentlemanly-looking man,
with bonhomie beaming in his countenance,
and came at once to business.
His eye dropped upon the herrings.
"Beg ten thousand pardons. Oh!
I see it's here. We perceived that
bloaters were frying somewhere in the
house, and thought we should like to
try a few. Will you have the kindness
to inform me where they can be
procured? Didn't know there was a
single bloater in all Falmouth."
I, in my simplicity, thought the
major was really asking for information,
and was going to tell him of
several shops where I had seen
bloaters; but Gingham was too
quick for me.
"Here is a barrel-full," said Gingham,
pointing to the corner of the
room. "Shall be most happy to supply
you and your friends with any
quantity. Do me the favour to accept
of two or three dozen."
"Oh no, sir," said Major M—,
drawing up, as if he had been misunderstood.
The major was playing a
higher game. "Couldn't think of
such a thing. Thought you had procured
them in the town."
"Indeed, sir," said Gingham, "I
don't think the town contains their
equals. They are from London direct.
Always take a small barrel with me
when I visit the Peninsula. Get
them in Lower Thames Street."
"Really, a most excellent idea,"
said Major M—. "I wish I had
done the same. Well, I think I never
will return to headquarters again
without taking a barrel of red herrings."
The Major cast a sort of
domesticated look about the room,
as if he felt quite at home with
us.
"Go it, Major!" said an opening in
the partition, sotto voce.
"Come, Major," said Gingham, "I
see you and the gentlemen your companions
are old campaigners. So am
I. Suppose we waive ceremony. You
see we have got our cooking apparatus
all ready. Suppose—do us the favour—excuse
the shortness of the invitation—I
shall be delighted, and so will
my friend here, if you and your party
will oblige us with your company to
breakfast."
"Yes, yes, Major," said the crevice,
as before. "Yes, Major, yes," said
another crevice.
"Really, sir," said the Major, with
an admirably assumed look of polite
embarrassment, and turning a deaf
ear to his two prompters behind the
scenes—"really, sir, I hardly know
how to thank you sufficiently for your
obliging invitation. But—shall we
not intrude? You meant to breakfast
in private. You have, perhaps,
business? Matters to arrange, preparatory
to the voyage?"
"None in the world, sir," said Gingham,
"till after breakfast. Our only
business here is to cook our bloaters
and eat them, which we could not do
in the public room below. Do, pray,
oblige us by negotiating this little
affair, Major, and persuade your
friends to favour us with their company."
The Major, in fact, was negotiating
already; and a capital negotiator he
made. He might, had he pleased,
have walked off, at an earlier stage of
the proceedings, with a whole pile of
herrings; and even that, at college,
we should have thought a capital coup.
But the Major was not so green.
"Well, sir, since you are so very
pressing, I shall have the pleasure of
communicating to my comrades your
kind invitation; and I presume," he
added, bowing politely to me, "I may
also have the honour of saying,
the invitation of your friend, Captain
Y—."
I bowed in return, too much taken
by surprise to disclaim the rank so
unexpectedly conferred; and a little
sore at being saluted "captain," by
the same voice which I had heard,
just before, proclaiming aloud, that if
I was a regimental officer I was an
ass. The Major bowed again; backed
out of the room, still bowing, and
closed the door.
The remaining negotiation was not
of long continuance. His two friends
were already in the passage, hard by
the entrance of our apartment. A
dead silence—one irrepressible burst
of laughter, instantly hushed—again
dead silence—a tap at the door—door
opened by Gingham—and enter the
three Peninsulars.
I really could not help admiring the
perfectly free and easy, but at the
same time quiet, self-possessed, and
gentlemanly style of their entrée, and
of their bearing during the first few
moments of our interview. Gingham
expressed his gratification; was happy
to see them. Advancing on their
right flank, taking up a central position,
and then facing to the left,
"Allow me," said the major, "to
avail myself of my brief priority of
acquaintance, and to introduce—Captain
Gabion, of the Royal Engineers,"
(bowing, on both sides)—"and Mr
Commissary Capsicum," (more bowing,)—"half-brothers,
I need not say—the
family likeness is so striking."
Gingham presented Mr Y—. Mr
Y—(booby!) presented Gingham.
"Not very striking that family
likeness, though," thought I, of course
taking seriously what the wag of a
major spoke with perfect seriousness.
The captain of the Engineers was a
pale-looking man, buttoned up to the
chin in his regulation frock-coat, rather
above the common height, air military
and symmetrical. Education had
traced on his countenance the lines of
thought; and, in short, his whole appearance
was a little aristocratic, and
what we now call distingué. His
"half-brother," the commissary, on
the contrary, who appeared at least
twelve years his senior, was a short,
pursy, puffy man; with a full, rubicund,
oleaginous, and pimpled visage;
a large, spongy, purple blob of a
nose, its broad lower extremity pendulous,
and slightly oscillatory when
he moved; a humorous twinkle in his
eye, which was constantly on the
range in search of fun; two black,
bushy tufts for eyebrows; his hair distributed
over his ample pericranium
in large detached flocks, each flock
growing a way of its own, and no two
alike; coat flying open; waistcoat
open, all but the two bottom buttons;
a bull neck, with very little cravat;
and a profuse display of shirt and
frill. His shirt and frill, imperfectly
closed, revealed his grizzly chest;
while his nether extremities were set
off to great advantage by a pair of
tight blue kerseymere pantaloons with
a scarlet stripe; and something—I
suppose, as bustles were not then the
fashion, it must have been his tailors'
clumsiness—imparted a peculiar
breadth and bulge to the tail of his
coat. He wore splendid gaiters of
bright nankeen, with mother-of-pearl
buttons. No ceremony when gentlemen
meet. We were all quite at
home in a moment.
There was a little hitch. All the
party were quite of one mind and
will, in the project and purpose of
cooking and eating bloaters. But
how were five cooks to cook at one
fire?
We all saw it together. I looked
at the partition. "Better unship
that," said the commissary. The
commissary, I soon saw, was, by
common consent, the commanding
officer of the party. We went to
work; and in no time the partition
was cleverly removed, and stowed
away on one side. We thus made
our small parlour a large one, with
the additional advantage of two fires
instead of one for our culinary operations.
Gingham, meanwhile, had
slipped out of the room; but returned
in a few minutes, looking quite innocent.
He had been absent to some
purpose, as the result shortly proved.
We now found full employment with
the herrings, roasting and toasting.
Gingham, the captain, and the major,
at the larger fire; I and Mr Commissary
Capsicum at the other.
Gingham, when he left the room,
had given his order; a carte blanche
to the whole establishment to extemporise
as handsome a breakfast as
circumstances would permit, with a
special caveat against delay.
Enter the waiter, with a tray, and
a large tablecloth.—Previous set-out
transferred from the table to the tray,
and placed on the sideboard.—Two
tables run into one—fresh tablecloth
laid.—Exit waiter.
Enter waiter again, with plates,
cups and saucers, knives, forks, and
spoons, basin, two sugar-basins—in
short, all the apparatus of a breakfast-table.—The
whole laid, in the
twinkling of an eye.—Exit waiter.
Enter waiter a third time, with a
large tray—bread, (varieties,) butter,
water-cresses, ham, tongue, cold fillet
of veal, cold chicken, cold pigeon-pie,
all the cold eatables.—Boots handed
in from the door a large block of
quince marmalade, on a silver salver.—Boots
handed in small jars: potted
shrimps, pickled oysters, pot of Scotch
honey, strawberry jam, other jams.—Boots
handed in one larger jar, a
Portuguese conserve, quartos de marmelas.
(N. B. quinces cut up into
lumps, and boiled in Brazilian sugar.
Portuguese beat all the world in
sweetmeats, and quartos de marmelas
beat all the rest.) I guessed Gingham
had given the landlady the key
of his travelling store-chest.—Boots
handed in milk, cream, clouted cream.
Boots handed in two splendid brass
kettles of boiling water, one of which
waiter placed on each fire.—Exit
waiter.
A temporary pause. During this
lull, the utmost energies of the house
were in exercise below, to provide
with despatch the remaining matériel
of our humble meal. I observed,
from time to time, that he of the commissariat
eyed the preparations with
peculiar benignity. It was all in his
way, as I subsequently had the
pleasure of experiencing, among the
sources of the Adour and the Garonne.
"Ever been with the army?" said he.—"Never,"
said I; "but hope to be
soon."—"Hope you'll often dine with
me. But don't spoil that fine bloater.
There, hold it a little further from the
fire. Red herring should be toasted,
not burnt to death. Done, when the
backbone is crisp; not before. But
should not be done quickly, like
murder in Shakspeare. Do it slowly,
my dear sir; do it slowly. If you do
it fast, you burn all the flavour out of
it." I saw he was a connoisseur.
Yet—stupid, conceited, arrogant
young coxcomb—so inexperienced
was I then, so indignant at the
shadow of interference, so unaccustomed
to anything that bore the least
semblance of control, I inwardly
curled at even these valuable and truly
philanthropic suggestions—thought it
all exceedingly odd, and took it for
dictation.
Lots of bloaters were now toasted
or roasted, and prepared for eating.
Just as we were ready, for the fourth
time enter waiter, bringing eggs,
coffee-pot, two tea-pots, (tea and
coffee ready,) muffins, hot buttered
rolls, &c., &c., &c. But among the
etceteras I really must pause, to specify
a certain delicate sort of round
west-country breakfast cake—piles of
which were also brought in, buttered
and smoking hot. Gingham whispered
the waiter, "Keep on bringing them."
Gingham, with his usual judgment,
had prohibited anything hot in the
shape of chops, steaks, cutlets, grills,
rashers, or even kidneys. It was a
herring breakfast; and he excluded
what would only have divided the
appetite, and interfered with the
bloaters.
We made a capital breakfast.
Everything was excellent. The pile
of breakfast cakes received perpetual
accessions, but never gained in height.
The bloaters, however, were the staple
of our meal; and Gingham's barrel
suffered a considerable reduction. As
we were all sensible people, or wished
to appear so, there was very little
talk; and what there was referred to
the important business in hand. At
length it was clear that we had breakfasted.
Gingham was beginning to
recommend the knick-knackeries—jams,
pickled oysters, marmalade.
Each seemed disposed to pause, yet
none had quite left off. Our guests
were evidently telegraphing, and exchanging
looks of approval, when—
Enter the waiter once more, bringing,
upon a silver tray, two curiously
shaped bottles cased in a sort of
wicker-work, with glasses. A splendid
Italian liqueur! It was sipped,
approved, tossed off with wonderful
despatch. One by one we gradually
leaned back in our chairs, and the
bottles began to move round, as if
spontaneously. That is, I cannot
exactly say I saw any one pass them;
but from time to time, first here, first
there, I noticed a little finger pointing
to the ceiling; a movement which
certainly had something to do with
the progress of the bottles. We sat,
sipped, and chatted. Our breakfast
was an accomplished fact.
"Hear, hear, hear!" Mr Commissary
Capsicum was on his legs. Knuckles
rapped; glasses jingled; "Hear, hear,
hear!"—The telegraphic communications
of his two friends had intimated
to him their wishes: the unexpected
bonus of the liqueur, coming in at
the last, had awakened, in his own
bosom, its most benevolent emotions:
he rose to acknowledge our hospitality;
and in his friends' name, as
well as in his own, to invite us that
day to dinner.
His address I shall not attempt to
report. It was brief, well-bred, and
well-expressed; had several good
points, and was heard with immense
applause. He invited us to dinner;
gave Gingham's health and mine;
and concluded by observing that,
"conscious that he had not made a
neat and appropriate speech, he
begged leave," (filling, and suiting the
action to the word,) "to drink long
life and prosperity to us, in a neat
and appropriate bumper." Considering
it was our first meeting, I did
think that was a little broad.
Gingham returned thanks, and gave
the health of Major M—, R.A.
Major M— returned thanks.
I returned thanks, and gave the
health of Captain Gabion, R.E.
Captain Gabion returned thanks,
sat down, and rose a second time, but
was anticipated by
Gingham again, who gave the health
of Mr Commissary Capsicum.
Mr Commissary Capsicum returned
thanks.
With respect to the dinner, it would
not do. It was our last day before
sailing; Gingham had whole reams of
letters to write; I also had matters
to attend to; we pleaded the circumstances,
and begged to be excused.
Our friends saw the difficulty, and
reluctantly accepted our apologies.
There was a moment's pause. Then
all three rose from the table at once,
again thanked us politely for our hospitality,
and withdrew to their private
apartments. Shortly after, looking
out of the window, I saw them walking
down the street, all arm in arm,
and each puffing a cigar.
Gingham stood pensive by the fire,
his elbow on the mantelpiece, his head
leaning on his hand.
"I fear," said I, "your exertions
to entertain your guests have wearied
you."
He made no reply. I went up to him.
He seemed to awake as from a reverie.
"Hang it!" said Gingham, in a
plaintive tone, "there should have
been some mashed potatoes."
"Never mind, my dear sir—excellent
breakfast; everything went off
capitally. I, for one, enjoyed it
amazingly."
"Yes," said Gingham, mournfully;
"but, to make the thing complete,
there should have been some mashed
potatoes with the bloaters. Had I
only known of it in time! By the
bye," added he, "I thought once or
twice, you did not seem entirely at
your ease. Nothing more gentlemanly,
my dear sir, than your general manner.
But at times, it struck me, you
did appear a little—a little—stiffish.
You must get rid of that before we
reach headquarters."
"Well," said I, "I'll tell you.
That 'captain' stuck in my gizzard.
There's the truth. Coupled with what
we heard previously, and Major M—
must have known that we heard it, it
was just the same as calling me a
donkey to my face."
"Oh, that's nothing," said Gingham.
"Don't distress yourself about such
trifles as that."
"To tell you the truth," said I,
"the whole thing appeared to me
a little too free and easy. Here were
you and I preparing to take a quiet
breakfast, when those three guerilla
fellows, with their off-hand Peninsular
manners, actually took us by
storm, made a most ferocious attack
on your barrel of herrings, sunk it one-third,
drank up your two bottles of
liqueurs, and civilly wished us good
morning. Now, when I was at college,
to be sure we were merry enough,
no etiquette, no ceremony there. But
then there was a certain gentlemanly
feeling, which forbade vulgar familiarity
in any shape. And as to people
that assumed, or made free, I always
kept them at arm's length."
"Well, Mr Y—," said Gingham,
"I see plainly how it is. Follow my
advice. If you can't take a joke,
resign your appointment, forfeit your
money, and return to London. You'll
find it awkward enough living among
military men on actual service."
"I trust," said I, "by adhering to
my invariable rule, never to offer a
deliberate insult, but at the same time
never to brook one, go where I will, I
shall be fortunate enough to escape
disagreeable rencontres."
"Nonsense!" said Gingham, looking
very serious, and speaking quite
in a sharp and peremptory tone—"nonsense!"
Then softening a little,
"Rencontres, my dear sir? Rencontres?
Nothing of the kind. Rencontres?
You talk like a militia
officer. Rencontres? You'll soon
dismiss all that kind of thing from
your thoughts, after you have seen
two or three rencontres with the
French. Rencontres? No, no; no
field of forty footsteps at headquarters.
Rencontres? It would be a perfect
absurdity, where men have the chance
of being shot gratis every day of their
lives, without going out of the way
for it. Rencontres? No; I did not
mean that. What I meant to say
was this: you would infallibly be
made a general butt. Rencontres?
Why, Mr Y—, if you show any
nonsense of that sort, you'll be tormented
to death. Rencontres? Oh,
what lots of fun they'll take out of
you! Meanwhile, think yourself fortunate
that you are now getting a
seasoning. I am truly glad, for your
sake, that you have had the opportunity
here at Falmouth, and will have
the opportunity on your passage out,
of seeing something of military men
and modes before you join. You
may, and probably will, be dubbed,
on your arrival, a Johnny Newcome.
But, at any rate, you will not be a
Johnny Raw."
Gingham closed the conference by
walking to the other end of the room,
and steadfastly contemplating his own
beautiful physiognomy in the glass.
During our conversation, his hand
had frequently visited his nose. He
now stood opposite the mirror, slewing
his head first this way, then that,
and at length broke silence:—
"Well, I was not aware of it; but
I do think that my nose is a little
crooked."
"I presume," said I, "you have no
sisters?"
"I have none," replied Gingham.
"Nor are you, I apprehend, a married
man?"
"There, alas, you are right again,"
said Gingham; "but what has that
to do with it?"
"Your wife, or your sisters, if you
had any, would have told you that
you have a very crooked nose."
"Well, but," said Gingham,
"there's my mother. My dear
mother never told me that my nose
was crooked."
"Your mother, probably, is totally
unconscious of the fact; and, should she
hear any one else assert such a thing,
would deny it most strenuously."
"Nay, but," said Gingham, "though
I have neither sister nor wife, and
supposing my dear mother to be blind
to my personal defects, I have—in
short, Mr Y—, before I left London,
I took a tender leave of her
whom I hope to persuade, on my next
return from the Peninsula, to accept
the hand and the heart of a Gingham.
She did not tell me that my nose was
crooked. She mentioned various obstacles
to our union; but she never
mentioned that."
"Then," said I, "depend upon it,
she means to have you. And depend
upon this, too; she will tell you your
nose is crooked when you have made
her Mrs Gingham, if she does not tell
you so before."
"As to my walking sideways,"
said Gingham, "that's a palpable
fiction."
"Here," said I, "come to this extremity
of the room, and place yourself
opposite the glass." He came,
and placed himself accordingly.
"Now walk straight down upon,
the glass, keeping your eye fixed upon
your reflected nose."
"What nose? Which nose?" said
Gingham, in a state of obvious alarm.
"Do you mean the nose in my
face?"
"I mean your nose in the glass."
He walked as I had directed.
"Well, really," said Gingham,
it's extraordinary; it's very curious.
When I walk and look at my nose in
the glass, it appears quite straight
again—just as it ought to be, in the
middle of my face."
"That's just it," said I. "Then
you walk sideways. Depend upon it,
if you walked straight, your nose
would appear crooked."
He repeated the experiment again,
and again, muttering to himself,
"Very remarkable, very curious;
quite a natural phenomenon."
"Don't distress yourself about your
nose," said I; "it is a good enough
nose, in magnitude respectable, though
not strictly rectilinear. Make yourself
easy; and say, with Erasmus,
'Nihil me pœnitet hugeous nasi.'"
Where Gingham got his classical
knowledge, I had not at this time
ascertained. Certain it is, he was a
very fair classic. But there was one
dreadful drawback to his character,
and, in a man of his gravity, a strange
one: I mean his offensive, horrid
practice of making most atrocious
Latin puns. A pun in English he
viewed with utter contempt. It
stirred his bile. No English pun
escaped his lips. But for a Latin
pun, he scrupled not to lay under
contribution even the first-rate Latin
poets, Virgil, Ovid—nay, his favourite
author, Horace; and if I, influenced
by bad example, was weak
enough, in an unguarded moment, to
commit the same offence, he stole my
puns, and made them again as his
own.
On the eve of our embarkation we
strolled forth, after an early dinner,
for a parting view of the sunset from
the castle. Walking up town, we
met the man of rum, the sleep-murdering
Macbeth of the mail-coach. Still
he was talking—for want of company,
talking to himself. But his eyes were
set, half-closed, and dim; his aspect
was peculiarly meditative, and his
course curvilinear. He had taken on
board plus æquo of his own samples.
Perceiving our approach, he gave a
lurch to clear us. But his legs, being
not altogether under management,
brought him exactly in the direction
which he sought to shun; his stomach,
which had already suffered so
many assaults in the coach, most unfortunately
impinged upon my elbow;
and again it was "ugh!" His gummy
eyes expanded, and gleamed on us
like two fresh-opened oysters. Awhile
he gazed with drunken gravity; then,
turning round, bent over the roadside
gutter, as if about to tumble in, and
jocosely imitated the operation of
drawing a cork. His organs of vision
then assumed a slow movement of
horizontal oscillation, and gradually
settled on a pastry-cook's shop over
the way. Towards this point he directed
his zigzag approaches, recommencing
his agreeable conference with
himself, in terms of which we could
catch only the words—"Archimedes—screw—pneumatic
chemistry—soda
water—pop!" He left with us the
odour of a very bad cigar, which led
Gingham to remark that he was
"backy plenus" in more senses than
one.
The influence of bad example is
dreadful. Emerging from the town in
our way to the castle, we met a merry
party, male and female, all equestrians
save some six or eight, who occupied
the interior and exterior of a
post-chaise. Gingham, who saw into
a thing at once, pronounced them a
wedding party; and a buxom dame,
who was mounted on a lively little
west country galloway, the bride.
"Pony subit conjux," said I. "Yes,"
said Gingham; "but if that dear lady
rides so near the carriage, oh! oh!
oh! she will infallibly be capsized!
'Pony sub curru nimium propinqui!'"
We reached the hill in time, saw a
glorious sunset, and returned to letter-writing,
and a light supper on
hashed duck.
As Gingham appears more than
once upon the stage in the course of
my Peninsular adventures, and I
should really be sorry to annoy the
reader, as much as I was annoyed
myself, with his perpetual and abominable
perversions of classic latinity, I
beg leave to dispose of this part of the
subject at once, before we get to sea.
Suffice it to say, then, that in the
spring of the year 1838, just a quarter
of a century after the period of which
I am now writing, I once more left
London for Falmouth, en route to Lisbon,
though with an object far different
from that of my voyage now to
be recorded, and in a far different capacity.
Science, in these five-and-twenty
years, had done wonders; and
I had secured my passage in London,
not by a miserable tub of a sailing
packet, but by a well-found and fast
Peninsular steamer. The day before
the steamer was to start from Falmouth,
I walked down to the water's
side to take a view of her. On the
quay stood Gingham. By one of
those strange coincidences which sometimes
happen in life, we had again met
at Falmouth, and were again to cross
the Bay of Biscay in company. I
recognised him: he did not recognise
me. Time had somewhat changed
his look, his dress very little. Its
predominant aspect was still white.
His nose, too, was unmistakeable.
Perceiving at once that he was, like
myself, a passenger to the Peninsula,
I availed myself of the freedom conceded
in such cases, and commenced a
conversation by some remark on the
steamer.
"I presume, sir," said he, "you are
a passenger?"
"Yes, Mr Gingham, and so are
you. Glad to meet you." He stared,
but admitted the fact.
"But, sir," said he, "you have the
advantage of me."
"Well, well," said I, "you'll find
me out to-morrow on board the Guadalquivir.
Fine ship that. To-morrow,
you know, as Horace said, when
he was off by the steamer:-'Cras,
ingins! iterabimus æquor!"
The effect was instantaneous. Gingham
did not speak, he shouted:—"Dine
with me: I have got a john dory."
We walked off to the town—I rubbing
my shoulder, which Gingham
shook, when he shook my hand—he,
for a few paces, thoughtful and silent.
I expected a burst of sentiment.
"By the bye," said Gingham,
"while your hand was in, you might
just as well have quoted the other line,
for that, also, refers to our voyage."
"The other line?"
"Yes, the other line. Don't you
see that pair of rooks flying over the
harbour?"
"Rooks fly in droves. I see no
rooks."
"Right," said he; "they are a
couple of crows."
"But the line from Horace, referring
to our voyage?"
"Not only referring to it," said
Gingham, "but highly encouraging.
'Nil desperandum two crow duce, et
auspice two crow."
"Gingham, you are incorrigible."
To reach the street from the water's
side we had to pass through a narrow
passage, and there met the stewardess
of the steamer, who was going on
board. She stalked along in clogs on
tiptoe, her left hand gathering up, behind,
her cloak, gown, petticoat, &c.,
while her right hand bore an umbrella
one size larger than a parasol, and a
reticule one size less than a pannier;
emerging from which pannier appeared
the ugly mug of an enormous Portuguese
red ram cat, the pet of the
stewardess, and the constant companion
of her Peninsular voyages.
"My cat inter omnes," said Gingham.
But I have rambled, and am a
quarter of a century wide of the mark.
The period of which I have now to
write, the important period to which
my present narrative refers, is not the
more recent year, 1838, but the remoter
year, 1813, glorious in the
annals of England; the year that saw
the commencement of Napoleon's
downfall; the year of triumph and
rout beneath the walls of Vittoria;
the year of a still sterner and equally
successful conflict at St Sebastian;
the year, too, that furnished a name
for a princess of a royal line, that
Queen Victoria who, in her high
estate and royal clemency, remembered
and rewarded the long-forgotten
and long unrecompensed heroes of
those bygone times. In the early
spring of that year, 1813, I was there
at Falmouth, a raw youth, launched
on the wide world in search of adventure,
burning to reach the headquarters
of the Peninsular army, fully
capable of making a fool of myself
when I got there, and anxiously waiting
for the sailing of the Princess
Wilhelmina gun-brig, which, for want
of a better, performed the office of
Lisbon packet. It was well for me
that, at Falmouth, I had already fallen
into friendly hands.
On the morning of our embarkation,
March the—th, 1813, Gingham went
early on board the packet, for his personal
baggage was bulky and various,
to see to its stowage—part in his berth,
part in the hold. It was settled between
us that he was to return ashore,
that we were to breakfast together at
the hotel, and afterwards go off together
to the packet, which was still
lying in the harbour, and was to sail
about noon.
I waited breakfast for Gingham, but
no Gingham came. At length I received
a long note from him, dated on
board the packet. It began by stating
that an attempt had been made to
impose upon him, and that he was
determined not to stand it. The attempted
imposition, as I learned from
him afterwards, was this:—
Gingham walked down from the
hotel to the water's side, and engaged
a boat, which was to take him on
board the packet for eighteen-pence;
he, Gingham, understanding thereby,
according to the tenor of many previous
bargains at the same rate of payment,
that he was to be taken on
board, and put on shore again. On
this, however, the last day of our
abode at Falmouth, the two boatmen,
thinking they might safely try it on,
and conjecturing also that Gingham's
time might possibly be too valuable to
be wasted in discussion, determined to
take a different view of the subject,
and exact a second fare for landing
him. The boat reached the packet,
Gingham went on board, the boatmen
made fast to a harbour-buoy, and
waited the result. Gingham went
below, made his arrangements, came
on deck, and hailed his boat to take
him ashore. The elder boatman
civilly touched his hat, and remarked,
with a winning smile, that they hadn't
been paid "nuffin" for bringing him
on board. Gingham replied, that he
should pay as usual when they had
got back to the quay. The boatman,
courteous as before, again touched his
hat, and answered, simpering, "Beg
your pardon, sir, but this ear last day,
when the peckit's hoff, jeddlemen hol-ways
pays bode ways, cumin aboard,
and goon back again." "Oh, do
they?" said Gingham, and walked
down into the cabin, where he quietly
wrote his note to me, in a hand that
beat copperplate; and breakfasted
upon sea biscuit, junk, and ship's
cocoa, the steward not having yet got
off his stock of groceries for the voyage.
Everybody on board knew Gingham,
and he had no difficulty in getting
his note brought ashore in the ship's
boat, without the knowledge of the
two 'longshore fellows, who were riding
at the buoy, and who still thought
they had the best of the bargain—as it
is a rule in harbour, or at any rate was
in those days, that no private passenger
by a packet passed or repassed
except by 'longshore boats. Gingham
was now all right, and did not care
one farthing for the boatmen; for he
already had the bulk of his things on
board, he was on board himself, and
his note advised me respecting his remaining
matters ashore. He continued
below, having resolved, as he told
me afterwards, to keep the boatmen
waiting alongside till the packet was
off, and then give them ninepence.
Meanwhile he sent up, by the steward,
an injunction to the people on deck,
who enjoyed not a little the false position
of the two boatmen, not on any
account to let them come on board.
Gingham's note to me, which was,
as I have already intimated, a beautiful
specimen of commercial penmanship,
was to the following effect:—That
he was detained on board by
his determination to resist a gross
imposition; that the laundress had
still in her keeping a small quantity
of his linen, which she was to bring
to the hotel about breakfast-time;
that he had settled with the servants
that morning; and that the landlady
was indebted to him in the sum of
two shillings, he having paid his bill
the night before, in which bill was
included the charge of two shillings
for a cold-meat breakfast, which he
should not take; that he requested
me to get back the two shillings from
the landlady; that he would also
thank me to receive the linen from
the laundress, see that it was correct
per invoice, (washing-bill, I presume,)
check her account, liquidate it, and
bring the linen on board with me.
Meanwhile a circumstance arose,
which was of great moment in itself,
and gave Gingham a further advantage
in his affair with the two Falmouth
lads. An extra mail for
Lisbon had arrived from London,
sent off by despatch to catch the
packet before she sailed; and, by
management of Gingham's partners,
who were influential people, brought
Gingham letters on a matter of some
importance. These letters were taken
off to Gingham by a trusty drab-coated
Falmouth "Friend," in another
'longshore boat, and rendered it absolutely
requisite that he should go
ashore, and perhaps defer his voyage.
The packet at this time was surrounded
with boats and bustle, the
two boatmen still fast to the buoy;
and Gingham had no difficulty in
returning ashore by the boat which
brought off his mercantile friend,
without being observed by them.
In fact, they were half asleep, still
secure, as they thought, of their
victim, and affording no small sport
to the crew of the packet, who saw
how things were going. I shall only
mention here, that the communication,
received by Gingham from London,
related to a grand financial
speculation, an idea of his own,
having reference to the monetary
transactions at headquarters, which
were very large, and as well conducted
as circumstances permitted, but attended
with great difficulties, and
considerable loss to the British government.
Gingham's plan would have
been backed by private capital to any
amount. It was knocked on the head
by the peace of 1814: but I have more
to say about it hereafter.
True to her time, the laundress
arrived at the hotel; not bringing, as
Gingham had described it, a small
quantity of linen, but attended by a
man with a barrow, wheeling two
large buck-baskets, each piled with an
immense heap of shirts, white inexpressibles,
white double-breasted
dimity waistcoats,—in short every
thing white,—a stock for a voyage to
China. On the interior of the collar
of one of the said white double-breasted
dimity waistcoats, I noticed
the cypher
G G
37!—No. 1 of the fourth
dozen! So profuse was Gingham in
his provision for the habiliment of his
own elegant exterior. I settled with
the laundress, engaged the barrow-man
to go off with me in charge of
the linen, and take back the baskets,
finished my breakfast, paid my bill,
and went on board. Such was my
first embarkation for the Peninsula.
Little dreaming that there was a
spoke in my wheel, and that some time
was still to elapse between my departure
from Falmouth and my arrival
at the British headquarters, I had
longed for the day of the packet's
sailing. But now, when the wished-for
moment had arrived, a lot of little
things, coming upon me at the last,
quite put it out of my head that I was
quitting my native land, and about to
enter on new scenes, mingle with
strangers, embark in active life,
and master—where alone they could
be mastered, on their vernacular
soil—two ancient, expressive, and
kindred languages, which I had
conned rudimentally on the banks
of Cam. Nor did I dream that I
went to earn a prospective claim to
a Peninsular Medal; and jot down
mental memoranda, still vividly legible,
of all I heard and saw, for the information
and amusement of readers
then unborn. "Gooin' off to the
peckit, sir? Here, Bill, hand the
jeddleman's boxes." Then, when we
were half way to the brig,—"Wherry
'ot on the worter, sir. Ope you'll be
ginnerous a little hextry for the luggidge,
sir. Wherry dry work pullin',
sir."
Gingham, when I reached the
packet, was not on board. The cause
of his absence was explained to me
by the steward, who assisted in stowing
away the contents of the two
buck-baskets in Gingham's berth.
During this operation, the steward,
who fully participated in the antipathy
to 'longshore boatmen common
to his class, communicated to me,
with no small glee, the occurrences of
the morning; and begged me to take
a sight, when I went on deck, of the
two expectant gentlemen at the buoy.
There they were, sure enough, very
much at their ease—quite satisfied
that Gingham would want to be taken
ashore again before the packet sailed,
that theirs was the boat that must
take him, and that they had the game
in their own hands.
On deck I met our three breakfast
guests of the day before. They
greeted me cordially, made many
inquiries after Gingham, and introduced
me, as a particular old crony
of theirs, to Staff-Surgeon Pledget,
who had arrived by the mail overnight,
and was also a passenger to
Lisbon, on his return to the British
army. I soon began to perceive that
it was a standing rule with my three
new acquaintances, regular "Peninsulars,"
to extract fun from even the
most common incidents—in fact, from
everybody and everything. Staff-Surgeon
Pledget, as able a man in
his profession as any staff-surgeon
attached to the Peninsular army, was
matter-of-fact personified; and the
dignified cordiality with which he
received an old crony of theirs, evidently
afforded the three hoaxers
extraordinary sport. Major M—— did
the presentation with perfect coolness
and amenity. Gammon was his
element. Mr Commissary Capsicum
winked his eye in the richest style of
comedy, and nearly made me spoil
all by laughing. Captain Gabion
looked gravely on, and laughed internally.
His sides shook, his elbows
twitched, and his countenance wore
its usual expression of melancholy.
Presently after was seen approaching
a man-of-war's boat, pulling at
the steady rate, which indicated that
it conveyed an officer of rank. The
boat came alongside with a graceful
sweep; twelve oars stood upright, as
if by magic; and a tall, military-looking
man, who had lost an arm, rose,
politely took leave of the lieutenant in
charge of the boat, ascended the ship's
side, with the aid of his single hand,
faster than some people perform the
same difficult operation with two,
and stood on deck. This was the
brave Colonel —— of the cavalry,
who was going out with us to rejoin
his regiment. He had lost his arm at
Oporto, on that memorable occasion
when the French, to their astonishment,
found the British army on their
side of the Douro; and when the
British army, too, quite surprised at
finding itself, as if by magic, on
the opposite bank of a broad, deep,
and rapid river, and struck with admiration
at the bold conception and
skilful execution which had effected
the transition under the enemy's
nose, with one consent dubbed its
illustrious leader "Old Douro." By
that title, from that time forward, he
was commonly known at headquarters:
and is it not a glorious one, so
won, and so conferred, and truly worthy
of descending in his family? On
that occasion, I was told, Colonel
---- charged through the enemy at
the head of his regiment, and, as
one good turn deserves another,
thought he might as well charge back
again. It was in this second charge
that he lost his arm.
Arrived on deck, the colonel made
a somewhat semicircular bow to all of
us, and immediately recognised Major
M——. His valet followed him, and
presently went below. The next moment,
the colonel began to take a first
view of the vessel, and turned from
us for that purpose. Captain Gabion,
first nudging Mr Commissary Capsicum,
whispered Major M——, "Come,
major, give us the colonel." The
major, having an arm too many, in a
twinkling whipped one behind him,
stepped to the gangway, and did the
colonel's first appearance to the life.
To execute the colonel's recognition of
himself, for want of a better substitute,
he advanced, with the colonel's three
military strides, to me. I, carried
away by the drollery of the scene, so
far forgot myself that I did the major.
This caused a general laugh; the
colonel turned round, and caught me
and the major bowing, grimacing, and
shaking hands. He saw at once what
had been going on, and laughed too.
But the major wished to shift the
responsibility. "That Pledget," said
he, "keeps us in a constant roar."
Mr Staff-Surgeon Pledget looked a
little surprised. When the major gave
us the colonel's horizontal salutation to
the company assembled, Pledget took
it all in earnest, and bowed in return.
One other arrival followed. A shore
boat came off, having four more passengers—a
lady, two gentlemen, and
a female attendant. One of the said
gentlemen, an Irishman, was the
lady's brother: she, in face and form,
a perfect specimen of Irish beauty;
he, both in person and in feature, all
that might be expected in the brother
of such a sister. In this respect he
presented a remarkable contrast to
their fellow-passenger, who was a
young Irish officer of the East India
Company's navy, and, what made it
more remarkable, the accepted swain,
as we afterwards had every reason to
conclude, of his fair countrywoman.
How shall I describe this lovely youth?
His head was large; his face prodigiously
large and flat; his features were ludicrously
diminutive. Fancy a full
moon seen broad and white through a
Shetland mist—in short, a full moon
of putty; then fancy, stuck exactly
in the centre of this moon, the little
screwed-up pug face of a little ugly
monkey, and you have him to a T.
His two little twinkling eyes, deep
sunk beneath the beetling brow of his
prominent and massive forehead, and
in such close proximity that nothing
separated them but the bridge of his
nose, were constantly and inquisitively
on the move. The nose itself was too
insignificant to merit a description.
Yet it was not exactly what is called
a squashed nose, but a nose without a
nib. It conveyed to you, indeed, the
painful impression that some unfeeling
barber had sliced off its extremity,
and left the two unprotected nostrils
staring you full in the face, like the
open ports of a ship. His ears were
like an elephant's,—large, loose, thin,
flat, and un-hemmed. His mouth, like
that described by a distinguished authoress,
"had a physiognomy of its
own." Not very observable when
quiescent, in speaking it became
curiously expressive, and, at times,
enormously elongated or strangely
curvilinear. It had also, under the
same circumstances, another peculiarity.
It was a travelling mouth:
yes, it travelled. When it talked, it
was constantly shifting its position,
not only up and down, but sideways
and obliquely. In the utterance
of a single sentence, it would
traverse the whole extent of his
face. It was now high, now low;
now on this side, now on that. It
ranged, at will, the whole breadth of
his countenance from ear to ear; so
that at times he was all mouth on
one side of his face, and no mouth on
the other. This gave him the additional
advantage, that his profile could
maintain a dialogue with you, as well
as another man's full face. When
conversing with his lady-love, side
by side at the dinner-table, he never
turned to look at her—he had no need.
Viewing her with one eye, like a duck,
in tones of deferential tenderness he
addressed her from the cheek that
was nearest hers. His perfectly
well-bred deportment, nay, elegance
of manner, his inexhaustible fund of
good humour, and amusing waggery,
did not, I am sorry to say, prevent
his acquiring, and bearing during the
voyage, the name of Joey: allusive,
I presume, to the feats of mouth performed
in those days by the far-famed
Grimaldi. The malevolent
suspicion, that a title so derogatory
was any suggestion of mine, I scorn
to notice. To this, however, I do
confess, that, ere we had been four-and-twenty
hours at sea, as a slight
token of my profound veneration for
the stateliest and the loveliest of
Erin's daughters, I proposed, and it
was carried unanimously, that she
should bear the name of Juno. And,
the colonel having pronounced her
brother a perfect Apollo, I also proposed,
and it was also carried unanimously,
that we should call him Mr
Belvidere. But I am anticipating.
On the practice of giving sobriquets,
so common at headquarters, much
remains to be said hereafter. As to
the maid-servant, she was a quiet
little Irishwoman of about five-and-thirty,
in a duffle cloak with pink
bows, snug straw bonnet neatly tied
under her chin with a pink ribbon,
and snow-white cotton stockings, exhibiting
a rather broad instep, which
led me to conjecture that she had not
always worn shoes. Her mistress
called her Kitty, and that name she
was allowed to keep, as no one on
board thought he could improve it.
It is time to get to sea. Gingham,
where are you? what are you about?
We shall be off, and leave you behind.
Noon, our hour of sailing,
was now near at hand. The anchor
was hove short; the sails were shaking
in the wind; the skipper came
on board; the foresail was then set;
still there was no Gingham. Those
talented individuals, the two boatmen,
still supposing Gingham was on board,
were getting a little uneasy. They
were now wide awake, and anxiously
peering at the ship with their hands
over their eyes, watching every one
that came on deck, but watching in
vain. Their uneasiness evidently
increased, as our remaining time diminished;
till at length, as the town
clock struck twelve, the capstan was
manned. The anchor was then hove
to the tune of "Off she goes," performed
on a single fife in admirable
time, marked by the tread of many
feet. The flood-tide was beginning
to make; but we didn't care for that,
as we had wind enough from the north-east,
and to spare. Other sails were
now set, and we were beginning to
get way; while I was intently eyeing
the shore, expecting to see Gingham
shove off, and perfectly sure he would
come, because he had taken no steps
for the re-landing of his baggage.
But I did not look in the right direction.
Gingham, detained to the
last moment, and then, having settled
all things to his satisfaction, at liberty
to prosecute his voyage, had made
his arrangements with his usual judgment.
It was a near thing though.
He put off from a part of the town
lower down than the quay from which
he usually embarked, so as to cut in
upon us as we glided down the harbour;
and was within a few fathoms
of the ship before I saw him. He
was then standing upright in his boat,
completely absorbed in a London
paper, but with one hand waving his
umbrella, without looking up, to stop
the ship. Stopping the ship was out
of the question. Indeed, I fancied the
skipper would have been glad to go
without him. The boat, coming end
on, and not very cleverly handled by
the Falmouth fellows, bumped against
the side of the ship, which, as she
was now under way, they were afraid
of missing altogether; and the shock
almost pitched Gingham and his
umbrella into the water. He came
on board amidst general laughter,
and the hearty greetings of such of
the passengers as knew him—none
heartier than mine. "How his green
spectacles would have frightened the
fishes!" said Mr Commissary Capsicum
to Captain Gabion. "Don't
joke on such a serious subject," replied
the captain; "had he gone
over, we should have quitted England
without getting a sight of the last
London newspaper."
The two worthies, who, still
expecting to see Gingham emerge
from the cabin, had so long waited
for him in vain, were by this
time in an awkward predicament.
When the ship first began to move,
they had no resource but to unmoor
from the buoy, out oars, and pull
away in company. But this, it was
soon clear, would not do. The ship
was getting more and more way, and,
had they pulled their hearts out, would
soon have left them astern; when,
as their only chance, they pulled close
alongside, and made free with a rope's
end that was dragging through the
water. This one of them held, after
giving it a turn round a bench; while
the other kept off the boat from the
ship's side by means of the boat-hook.
While they were being thus dragged
through the water, each, as he could,
from time to time touching his hat,
each beseechingly simpering, each
saying something that nobody could
hear, and both anxiously looking for
Gingham on deck, to their great surprise
they saw him come alongside in
another boat, as I have already related;
and, before they could say
Jack Robinson, he was on board.
After our first greetings, I called
Gingham's attention to the disagreeable
position of our two friends, who
were still holding on alongside, and
dragging through the water. Indeed,
I was disposed to hold an argument
with him on the subject, and thought
a different view might be taken of
their case. "No, no," said Gingham;
"this is the first time any Falmouth
man has ever attempted to impose
upon me, and I mean it to be the last."
The breeze, no unusual circumstance
in such localities, stiffened as we approached
the entrance of the harbour,
where the high land closes in, and the
sea-way is comparatively narrow;
and, meeting the swell which came
tumbling in from the ocean with the
flood-tide, knocked up a little bit of
an ugly ripple. The situation of the
two boatmen was becoming every
moment more awkward. We were
now going six knots, (through the
water, mind you, not making six knots—that,
against such a current, was
quite beyond our tubby little Wilhelmina's
capabilities;) the ripple was
gradually becoming nastier; the boatmen,
still touching their hats from
time to time, still blandly smiling,
and still making unheard but pathetic
appeals to Gingham's generosity, did
not like to let go till they had got
something; and I really thought the
end must be, that their boat would
be swamped alongside. At length,
Gingham put an end to the farce,
by screwing up ninepence in a bit of
paper, and throwing it into the boat,
telling them it was threepence more
than they deserved. They then let
go; and we left them poppling up and
down, like a cork, in the broken water,
and scuffling about in the bottom of
the boat for the scattered coin.