Had the royal army of Israel been
accoutred after the colour and fashion
of the British battalions, I am quite
satisfied that another enigma would
have been added by King Solomon to
his special list of incomprehensibilities.
The extraordinary fascination which
a red coat exercises over the minds
and optics of the fair sex, appears to
me a greater phenomenon than any
which has been noticed by Goethe in
his Theory of the Development of
Colours. The same fragment of ensanguined
cloth will irritate a bull,
charm a viper, and bewitch the heart
of a woman. No civilian, however
good-looking or clean-limbed—and I
rather pique myself upon my pins—has
the ghost of a chance when opposed
in the lists of love to an officer,
a mail-guard, a whipper-in, or a postman.
You may be as clever a fellow
as ever coopered up an article for the
Magazine, as great a poet as Byron,
in beauty an Antinous, in wit a Selwyn,
in oratory a Canning—you may
dance like Vestris, draw like Grant,
ride like Alexander; and yet, with all
these accomplishments, it is a hundred
chances to one that your black
coat, although fashioned by the shears
and polished by the goose of Stultz,
will be extinguished by the gaudy
scarlet habiliments of a raw-boned
ensign, emancipated six months ago,
for the first time in his life, from the
wilderness of a Highland glen, and
even now as awkward a cub as ever
presumed to plunge into the perils of
a polka.
Let no man, nor woman either,
consider these observations flummery
or verbiage. They are my calm deliberate
opinions, written, it is true,
under circumstances of considerable
irritation, but nevertheless deliberate.
I have no love to the army, for I have
been sacrificed for a dragoon. My
affections have been slighted, my person
vilified, my professional prospects
damaged, and my constitution fearfully
shaken in consequence of this military
mania. I have made an idiot of myself
in the eyes of my friends and relatives.
I have absolutely gone upon
the turf. I have lost some valuable
inches of epidermis, and every bone
of my body feels at the present
moment as sore as though I were the
sole survivor of a terrific railway
collision. A more injured individual
than myself never mounted upon a
three-legged stool, and from that high
altitude I now hurl down defiance
and anathemas upon the regulars, be
they horse or foot, sappers or miners,
artillery, pioneers, or marines!
It was my accursed fate to love,
and love in vain. I do not know
whether it was the eye or the instep,
the form or the voice, of Edith Bogle,
which first drew my attention, and
finally fascinated my regards, as I
beheld her swimming swan-like down
the Assembly Rooms at the last
Waverley Ball. A more beautiful
representative of Die Vernon could
not have been found within the
boundary of the three kingdoms. Her
rich auburn hair flowed out from beneath
the crimson network which
strove in vain to confine within its
folds that bright luxuriant sea—on
her brow there lay one pearl, pure as
an angels tear—and oh! sweet even
to bewilderment was the smile that
she cast around her, as, resting upon
the arm of the moody Master of
Ravenswood, she floated away—a
thing of light—in the mazy current
of the waltz! I shall not dwell now
upon the circumstances of the subsequent
introduction; on the delicious
hour of converse at the supper-table;
or on the whispered, and—as I flattered
myself—conscious adieux, when,
with palpitating heart, I veiled her
fair shoulders with the shawl, and felt
the soft pressure of her fingers as I
tenderly assisted her to her chair. I
went home that night a lovesick
Writer to the Signet. One fairy form
was the sole subject of my dreams,
and next morning I woke to the conviction,
that without Edith Bogle earth
would be a wilderness, and even the
bowers of Paradise damp, chilly, and
uncomfortable.
There is no comfort in looking back
upon a period when hope was high
and unchecked. I have met with
men who, in their maudlin moments—usually
towards the close of the
evening—were actuated by an impulse
similar to that which compelled
the Ancient Mariner to renew his
wondrous tale: and I have heard
them on such occasions recount the
whole circumstances of their unfortunate
wooing with voices choked by
grief, and with tears of tender imbecility.
I have observed, however,
that, on the morrow succeeding such
disclosures, these gentlemen have invariably
a shy and sheepish appearance,
as though inwardly conscious
that they had extended their confidence
too far, and rather dubious as
to the sincerity of their apparent
sympathizers. Warned by their example,
I hold it neither profitable nor
wise to push my own confessions too
far. If Edith gave me at the outset
more encouragement than she ought
to have done—if she systematically
led me to believe that I had made an
impression upon her heart—if she
honoured me with a preference so
marked, that it deceived not only
myself, but others—let the blame be
hers. But why should I go minutely
into the courtship of half a year?
As difficult, indeed, and as futile,
would it be to describe the alternations
of an April day, made up of sunshine
and of shower, of cloud and rainbow
and storm—sometimes mild and hopeful,
then ominous of an eve of tempest.
For a long time, I had not the
slightest suspicion that I had a rival.
I remarked, indeed, with somewhat of
dissatisfaction, that Edith appeared
to listen too complacently to the
commonplace flatteries of the officers
who are the habitual haunters of
private ball and of public assembly.
She danced too often with Ensign
Corkingham, flirted rather openly
with Major Chawser, and certainly
had no business whatever to be present
at a military fête and champagne
luncheon given at the Castle
by these brave defenders of their
country. I was not invited to that
fête, and the circumstance, as I well
remember, was the cause of a week’s
coolness between us. But it was not
until Lieutenant Roper of the dragoons
appeared in the field that I
felt any particular cause for uneasiness.
To give the devil his due, Roper
was a handsome fellow. He stood
upwards of six feet in his boots, had
a splendid head of curling black hair,
and a mustachio and whiskers to
match. His nose was beautifully
aquiline, his eyes of the darkest hazel,
and a perpetual smile, which the puppy
had cultivated from infancy, disclosed
a box of brilliant dominoes. I knew
Roper well, for I had twice bailed him
out of the police-office, and, in return,
he invited me to mess. Our obligations,
therefore, to each other might be
considered as nearly equal—in fact,
the balance, if any, lay upon his side,
as upon one occasion he had won from
me rather more than fifty pounds at
ecarté. He was not a bad fellow
either, though a little slap-dash in his
manner, and somewhat supercilious in
his cups; on which occasions—and
they were not unfrequent—he was by
far too general in his denunciation of
all classes of civilians. He was, I
believe, the younger son of a Staffordshire
baronet, of good connexions,
but no money—in fact, his patrimony
was his commission, and he was notoriously
on the outlook for an heiress.
Now, Edith Bogle was rumoured
to have twenty thousand pounds.
Judge then of my disgust, when, on
my return on a rent-gathering expedition
to Argyleshire, I found Lieutenant
Roper absolutely domiciled
with the Bogles. I could not call
there of a forenoon on my way from
the Parliament-House, without finding
the confounded dragoon seated on
the sofa beside Edith, gabbling away
with infinite fluency about the last
ball, or the next review, or worsted-work,
or some similar abomination.
I question whether he had ever read
a single book since he was at school,
and yet there he sat, misquoting
Byron to Edith—who was rather of a
romantic turn—at no allowance, and
making wild work with passages out
of Tom Moore’s Loves of the Angels.
How the deuce he got hold of them,
I am unable up to this day to fathom.
I suspect he had somehow or other
possessed himself of a copy of the
“Beauties,” and dedicated an hour
each morning to committing extracts
to memory. Certainly he never
opened his mouth without enunciating
some rubbish about bulbuls, gazelles,
and chibouques; he designated
Edith his Phingari, and swore roundly
by the Koran and Kiebaubs. It
was to me perfectly inconceivable how
any woman of common intellect could
listen to such egregious nonsense, and
yet I could not disguise from myself
the consciousness of the fact, that
Miss Bogle rather liked it than otherwise.
Roper had another prodigious advantage
over me. Edith was fond of
riding, an exercise to which, from my
earliest years, I have had the utmost
abhorrence. I am not, I believe, constitutionally
timid, and yet I do not
know almost any ordeal which I would
not cheerfully undergo, to save me
from the necessity of passing along a
stable behind the heels of half a dozen
stationary horses. Who knows at
what moment the concealed demon
may be awaked within them? They
are always either neighing, or pulling
at their halters, or stamping, or
whisking their tails, in a manner
which is absolutely frightful; and it
is impossible to predict the exact moment
they may select for lashing out,
and, it may be, scattering your brains
by the force of a hoof most murderously
shod with half a hundred-weight
of iron. The descent of Hercules to
Hades seems to me a feat of mere insignificance
compared with the cleaning
out of the Augean stables, if, as I
presume, the inmates were not previously
removed.
Roper, on the contrary, rode like a
Centaur, or the late Ducrow. He
had several brutes, on one or other of
which you might see him every afternoon
prancing along Princes Street,
and he very shortly contrived to make
himself the constant companion of
Edith in his daily rides. What took
place on these occasions, of course I do
not know. It was, however, quite
clear to me, that the sooner this sort
of thing was put an end to the better;
nor should I have cared one farthing
had a civil war broke out, if that event
could have ensured to me the everlasting
absence of the pert and pestilential
dragoon.
In this dilemma I resolved to make
a confidante of my cousin Mary Muggerland.
Mary and I were the best
possible friends, having flirted together
for five successive seasons, with intermissions,
on a sort of general understanding
that nothing serious was
meant, and that either party was at
liberty at any time to cry off in case
of an extraneous attachment. She
listened to the history of my sorrows
with infinite complacency.
“I am afraid, George,” she said,
“that you have no chance whatever:
I know Edith well, and have heard
her say, twenty times over, that she
never will marry any man unless he
belongs to the army.”
“Then I have been exceedingly
ill-used!”
“O fie, George—I wonder at you!
Do you think that nobody besides
yourself has a right to change their
mind? How often, I should like to
know, have you varied your attachments
during the last three years?”
“That is a very different matter,
Mary.”
“Will you have the kindness to
explain the difference?”
“Pshaw! is there no distinction
between a mere passing flirtation and
a deep-rooted passion like mine?”
“I understand—this is the first
time there has been a rival in the
case. Well—I am sorry I cannot
help you. Rely upon it that Roper
is the man; and, to be plain with
you, I am not at all surprised at
it.”
“Mary!—what do you mean?”
“Do you really know so little of
the sex as to flatter yourself that a
lively girl like Edith, with more imagination
than wit, would prefer you,
who—pardon me, dear cousin—are
rather a commonplace sort of personage,
to a gay young officer of dragoons?
Why, don’t you see that he
talks more to her in one hour than
you do in four-and-twenty? Are not
his manners more fascinating—his attentions
more pointed—his looks”——
“Upon my word, Miss Mary!”
I exclaimed, “this is going rather
too far. Do you mean to say that in
point of personal appearance”——
“I do, indeed, George. You know
I promised you to be candid.”
“Say no more. I see that you
women are all alike. These confounded
scarlet coats”——
“Are remarkably becoming; and
really I am not sure that in one of
them—if it were particularly well
made—you might not look almost as
well as Roper.”
“I have half a mind to turn postman!”
“Not a bad idea for a man of letters.
But why don’t you hunt?”
“I dislike riding.”
“You stupid creature! Edith never
will marry you: so you may just as
well abandon the idea at once.”
So ended my conference with my
cousin. I had made it a rule, however,
never to believe above one half
of what Miss Mary Muggerland said;
and, upon the whole, I am inclined to
think that was a most liberal allowance
of credulity. A young lady is
not always the safest depository of
such secrets, or the wisest and most
sound adviser. A little spice of spite
is usually intermingled with her counsels;
and I doubt whether in one case
out of ten they sincerely wish success
to their simple and confiding clients.
On one point, however, I was inclined
to think her right. Edith certainly
had a decided military bias.
I begin to think that there is more
in judicial astrology than most people
are inclined to admit. To what other
mysterious fount than the stars can
we trace that extraordinary principle
which regulates men in the choice of
their different professions? Take half
a dozen lads of the same standing and
calibre; give them the same education;
inculcate them with the same doctrines;
teach them the identical catechism;
and yet you will find that in
this matter of profession there is not
the slightest cohesion among them.
Had I been born under the influence
of Mars, I too might have been a dragoon—as
it was, Saturn, my planetary
godfather, had devoted me to the
law, and here I stood a discomfited
concocter of processes, and a botcher
of deeds and titles. Pondering these
things deeply, I made my way to the
Parliament-House, then in the full
hum attendant upon the close of the
Session. The usual groups of the
briefless were gathered around the
stoves. As I happened to have a
paper in my hand, I was instantly
assailed by half a dozen.
“Hallo, M’Whirter, my fine fellow—d’ye
want a counsel? Set you
down cheap at a condescendence,”
cried Mr Anthony Whaup, a tall barrister
of considerable facetiousness.
“I say, M’Whirter, is it a semiplena?
Hand it over to Randolph;
he has lots of experience in that line.”
“Get out, you heretical humbug!
Never mind these fellows, George.
Tip, and I’m your man,” said Randolph.
“Can any body tell me who is
pleading before the Second Division
just now?” asked a youth, looking
rather white in the gills.
“Old Windlass. He’s good for
three quarters of an hour at least, and
then the judges have to give their
opinions.”
“I’m devilish glad to hear it. I
think I shall bolt.”
“Haven’t you got that case over
yet, Prior?”
“No, nor sha’n’t for a week. A
confounded count and reckoning, with
columns of figures as long as Anthony.
Well, Scripio, how are stocks?”
“Rather shakey. What do you
say to a shot at the Northerns?”
“O, hang Northerns! I burned
my fingers with them a month ago,”
replied Randolph. “This seems a fine
afternoon. Who’s for Musselburgh?”
“I can’t go to-day,” said Whaup.
“I was tempted yesterday with a
shilling, and sold myself.”
“Who is the unfortunate purchaser?”
“Tom Hargate, crimp-general to
the yeomanry.”
“I’m delighted to hear it, old fellow!
We have been wanting you
for two years back in the corps.
’Gad! won’t we have fun when we
go into quarters. I say, M’Whirter—why
don’t you become a yeoman?”
I started at the suggestion, which,
strange to say, had never crossed my
mind before. There was a way then
open to me—a method left by which
I might satisfy, without compromising
my professional character, the
scruples of Edith, and become a member
of the military service without
abandoning the pen. The man that
hesitates is lost.
“I don’t know,” I replied. “I
think I should rather like it. It seems
a pretty uniform.”
“Pretty!” said Randolph. “By
the Lord Harry, it’s the splashest
affair possible! I’ll tell you what,
M’Whirter, I’ll back you in the yeoman’s
jacket and pantaloons against
the Apollo Belvidere.”
“It is regular Queen’s service,
isn’t it?”
“Of course it is. Only we have no
flogging.”
“That’s no great disadvantage.
Well, upon my word, I have a great
mind”——
“Then, by Jove, there goes the
very man! Hallo—Hargate, I say—Tom
Hargate!”
“What’s the row?”
“Here’s a new recruit for you.
George M’Whirter, W.S. Book him
down, and credit me with the bounty
money.”
“The Edinburgh squadron, of
course,” said Hargate, presenting me
with a shilling.
“Don’t be in a hurry,” said one of
my friends. “There are better lancers
than the Templars. The Dalmahoy
die, but they never surrender!”
“Barnton à la rescousse!” cried
another.
“No douking in the Dalkeith!”
observed a third.
“Nonsense, boys! you are confounding
him. M’Whirter and Anthony
Whaup shall charge side by
side, and woe betide the insurgent
who crosses their path!” said Randolph.
“So the sooner you look after
your equipments the better.”
In this identical manner was I
nailed for the yeomanry.
I confess that a thrill of considerable
exultation pervaded my frame,
as I beheld one morning on my dressing-table
a parcel which conscience
whispered to me contained the masterpiece
of Buckmaster. With palpitating
hand I cut the cord, undid the
brown paper foldings, and feasted my
eyes in a trance of ecstasy upon the
pantaloons, all gorgeous with the red
stripe; upon the jacket glittering with
its galaxy of buttons, and the polished
glory of the shoulder scales. Not
hurriedly, but with a protracted sense
of keen enjoyment, I cased myself in
the military shell, slung on the pouch-belt,
buckled the sabre, and finally adjusted
the magnificent helmet on my
brows. I looked into the mirror, and
hardly could recognise the counterpart
of Mars which confronted me.
“’Ods scimiters!” cried I, unsheathing
my Bilboa, and dealing,
with a reckless disregard to expense,
a terrific cut at the bed-post—“Let
me catch any fellow saying that the
yeomanry are not a constitutional
force!”
And so I strode into the breakfast-room,
where my old housekeeper was
adjusting the materials for the matutinal
meal.
“Lord save us a’!” cried Nelly,
dropping in her astonishment a platter
of finnans upon the floor—“Lord
save us a’, and keep us frae the sin
o’ bluidshed! Dear-a-me, Maister
George, can that really be you! Hae
ye turned offisher, and are ye gaun
oot to fecht!”
“To be sure, Nelly. I have joined
the yeomanry, and we shall turn out
next week. How do you like the
uniform?”
“Dinna speak to me o’ unicorns!
I’m auld enough to mind the days o’
that bluidy murderin’ villain Bony-party,
wha was loot loose upon huz,
as a scourge and a tribulation for the
backslidings o’ a sinfu’ land: and,
wae’s me! mony a mither that parted
frae her son, maybe as bonny, or a
hantle bonnier than yoursel’, had
sair een, and a broken heart, when
she heard that her laddie was streekit
cauld and stiff on the weary field o’
Waterloo! Na—for gudeness sake,
dinna draw yer swurd or I’ll swarff!
O, pit it aff—pit it aff, Maister George—There’s
a dear bairn, bide at hame,
and dinna gang ye a sodgerin’! Think
o’ the mither that lo’es ye, forbye
yer twa aunties. Wad ye bring doun
their hairs—I canna ca’ them a’ grey,
for Miss Kirsty’s is as red as a lobster—in
sorrow to the grave?”
“Why, you old fool, what are you
thinking of? We are not going out to
fight—merely for exercise.”
“Waur and waur! Can ye no tak’
yir yexerceese at hame, or doun at
the Links wi’ golf’ or gang awa’ to
the fishin’? Wadna that be better
than stravagin’ through the streets,
wi’ a lang swurd harlin’ ahint ye,
and consortin’ wi’ deboshed dragoons,
and drinkin’ the haill nicht, and rinnin’
wud after the lasses? And if
ye’re no gaun out to fecht, what’s the
use o’ye? Are ye gaun to turn anither
Claverse, and burn and hang puir
folk like the wicked and bluid-thirsty
troopers lang syne? Yexerceese indeed!
I wonder, Maister George,
ye’re no just ashamed o’ yersel!”
“Hold your tongue, you old fool,
and bring the tea-pot.”
“Fule! ’Deed I’m maybe just an
auld fule to gang on clattering that
gate, for I never kent ye tak’ gude
advice syne ye were a wean. Aweel!
He that will to Cupar maun to Cupar.
Ye’se hae it a’ yer ain way; but maybe
we’ll see some day sune, when ye’re
carried hame on a shutter wi’ a broken
leg, or a stab in the wame, or bullet
in the harns, whilk o’ us twa is the
greater fule!”
“Confound that woman!” thought
I, as I pensively buttered my roll.
“What with her Cameronian nonsense
and her prophecies, she is enough
to disband a regiment.”
And, to say the truth, her last hint
about a broken leg was not altogether
foreign to my own apprehensions. I
had recollected of late, with no slight
uneasiness, that for this sort of service
a horse was quite as indispensable as
a man; and, as already hinted, I had
more than doubts as to my own equestrian
capabilities. However, I comforted
myself with the reflection, that
out of the fifty or sixty yeomen whom
I knew, not one had ever sustained
any serious injury; and I resolved,
as a further precaution against accident,
to purvey me the very quietest
horse that could be found any where.
Steadiness, I have always understood,
is the characteristic feature of the
British cavalry.
My correspondence that morning
was not of the legal kind. In the
first place, I received a circular from
the commanding-officer, extremely
laudatory of the recruits, whose zeal
for the service did them so much
credit. We were called upon, in an
animated address, to maintain the
high character of the regiment—to
prove ourselves worthy successors of
those who had ridden and fought before
us—to turn out regularly and
punctually to the field, and to keep
our accoutrements in order. Next
came a more laconic and pithy epistle
from the adjutant, announcing the
hours of drill, and the different arrangements
for the week; and finally,
a communication from the convener
of the mess committee.
To all these I cordially assented,
and having nothing better to do, bethought
me of a visit to the Bogles.
I pictured to myself the surprise of
Edith on beholding me in my novel
character.
“She shall see,” thought I, “that
years of dissipation in a barrack or
guard-room, are not necessary to qualify
a high-minded legal practitioner
for assuming his place in the ranks of
the defenders of his country. She
shall own that native valour is an impulse,
not a science. She shall confess
that the volunteer who becomes
a soldier, simply because the commonwealth
requires it, is actuated by
higher motive than the regular, with
his prospects of pay and of promotion.
What was Karl Theodore Körner,
author of the Lyre and Sword, but a
simple Saxon yeoman? and yet is there
any name, Blucher’s not excepted,
which stirs the military heart of Germany
more thrillingly than his? And,
upon my honour, even as a matter of
taste, I infinitely prefer this blue uniform
to the more dashing scarlet. It
is true they might have given us tails
to the jacket,” continued I soliloquizing,
as a young vagabond who
passed, hazarded a contumelious remark
regarding the symmetry of my
nether person. “But, on the whole,
it is a manly and a simple garb, and
Edith cannot be such a fool as not to
appreciate the motives which have
led me to assume it.”
So saying, I rung the Bogles’ bell.
Edith was in the drawing-room, and
there also, to my no small mortification,
was Lieutenant Roper. They
were sitting together on the sofa, and
I rather thought Miss Bogle started
as I came in.
“Goodness gracious! Mr M’Whirter,”
cried she with a giggle—Edith
never looked well when she giggled!—“What
have you been doing with
yourself?”
“I am not aware, Miss Bogle, that
there is any thing very extraordinary”——
“O dear, no! I beg your pardon
for laughing, but really you look so
funny! I have been so used, you
know, to see you in a black coat, that
the contrast is rather odd. Pray forgive
my ignorance, Mr M’Whirter,
but what is that dress?”
“The uniform of the Mid-Lothian
Yeomanry Cavalry, madam. We are
going into quarters next week.”
“How very nice! Do you know
it is one of the prettiest jackets I ever
saw? Don’t you think so, Mr Roper?”
“Veway much so,” replied Roper,
reconnoitring me calmly through his
eyeglass. “A veway handsome
turn-out indeed. ’Pon my honour, I
had no idea they got up things so
cleverly in the fencibles”——
“Yeomanry, if you please, Lieutenant
Roper!”
“Ah, yes! Yeomanry—so it is. I
say, M’Whirter, ’pon my soul, do you
know, you look quite killing! Do,
like a good fellow, just march to the
corner of the room, and let us have a
look at you on the other side.”
“Oh do, Mr M’Whirter!” supplicated,
or rather supplemented Edith.
I felt as if I could have shot him.
“You’ll excuse me, Roper, for not
going through drill just now. If you
like to come to the review, you shall
see how our regiment can behave.
At any rate, we shall be happy to see
you at mess.”
“Oh certainly, certainly! Veway
good things those yeomanry messes.
Always a deal of claret, I believe.”
“And pray, Mr M’Whirter, what
rank do you hold in that distinguished
corps?” asked Miss Bogle.
“A full private, madam.”
“Goodness gracious!—then you’re
not even an officer!”
“A private of the yeomanry, Miss
Bogle, is, let me inform you, totally
independent of rank. We enrol ourselves
for patriotism, not for pay.
We are as honourable a body as the
Archers of the Scots Guard, the Cavaliers
of Dundee, or the Mousquetaires”——
“How romantic and nice! I declare,
you are quite a D’Artagnan!”
said Edith, who had just read the
Trois Mousquetaires.
“Don’t they pay you?” said
Roper. “’Pon my honour that’s
too bad. If I were you I’d memorialize
the Horse Guards. By the
way, M’Whirter, what sort of a
charger have you got?”
“Why, to say the truth,” replied
I, hesitatingly, “I am not furnished
with a horse as yet. I am just going
to look out for one at some of the
livery stables.”
“My dear friend,” said Roper,
with augmented interest, “I strongly
recommend you to do nothing of the
kind. These fellows will, to a dead
certainty, sell you some sort of a
brute that is either touched in the
wind or dead lame; and I can tell
you it is no joke to be spilt in a
charge of cavalry.”
I felt a sort of sickening sensation
as I recalled the lines of Schiller——
“Young Piccolomini, known by his plume
And his long hair, gave signal for the trenches;
Himself leapt first, the regiment all plunged after.
His charger, by a halbert gored, reared up,
Flung him with violence off, and over him
The horses, now no longer to be curbed”——
The fate of Max might be mine,
and Edith might be left, a mournful
Thekla, to perform a moonlight pilgrimage
to my grave in the solitary
churchyard of Portobello!
“Do you really think so, Roper?”
said I.
“Think so! I know it,” replied
the dragoon. “Never while you live
trust yourself to the tender mercies of
a livery stable. It’s a regular maxim
in the army. Pray, are you a good
rider?”
“Pretty—fairish—tolerable. That
is, I can ride.”
“Ah! I see—want of practice
merely—eh?”
“Just so.”
“Well then, it’s a lucky thing that
I’ve seen you. I have just the sort
of animal you want—a regular-bred
horse, sound as a roach, quiet as a
lamb, and quite up to the cavalry
movements. Masaniello will suit your
weight to an ounce, and you shall
have him for seventy guineas.”
“That’s a very long price, Roper!”
“For Masaniello? I assure you
he’s as cheap as dirt. I would not
sell him for twice the sum: only, you
see, we are limited in our number, and
my father insists upon my keeping
other two which he bred himself. If
you like to enter Masaniello for the
races, I’ll ensure your winning the
cup.”
“Oh do, Mr M’Whirter, take Mr
Roper’s advice!” said Edith. “Masaniello
is such a pretty creature, and
so quiet! And then, after the week is
over, you know you can come and
ride with us.”
“Won’t you take sixty, Roper?”
“Not a penny less than seventy,”
replied the dragoon.
“Well, then, I shall take him at
that. Pounds?”
“Guineas. Call down to-morrow
forenoon at Piershill, and you shall
have delivery. Now, Miss Bogle,
what do you say to a canter on the
sands?”
I took my leave rather satisfied
than otherwise with the transaction.
Edith evidently took a warm interest
in my welfare, and her suggestion as
to future expeditions was quite enchanting.
Seventy guineas, to be
sure, was a deal of money, but then
it was something to be assured of
safety for life and limb. On the street
I encountered Anthony Whaup.
“Well, old fellow,” quoth Anthony,
“how are you getting on?
Pounding away at drill, eh?”
“Not yet.”
“Faith, you had better look sharp
about it, then. I’ve been down twice
at Canonmills of a morning, and I
can tell you the facings are no joke.
Have you got a horse yet?”
“Yes; a regular dragoon charger—and
you?”
“A beast from Wordsworth. He’s
been out regularly with the squadron
for the last ten years; so it is to be
presumed he knows the manœuvres.
If not, I’m a spilt yeoman!”
“I say, Anthony—can you ride?”
“No more than yourself, but I suppose
we shall contrive to stick on
somehow.”
“Would it not be as well to have
a trial?” said I, with considerable intrepidity.
“Suppose we go together
to the riding-school, and have an hour
or two’s practice.”
“I have no earthly manner of objection,”
said Anthony. “I suppose
there’s lots of sawdust there, and the
exhibition will, at any rate, be a private
one. Allons!” and we departed
for the amphitheatre.
We enquired for a couple of peaceable
hacks, which were forthwith furnished
us. I climbed up with some
difficulty into the saddle, and having
submitted to certain partial dislocations
of the knee and ankle, at the
hands of the master of the ring, (rather
a ferocious Widdicomb, by the
way,) and having also been instructed
in the art of holding the reins, I was
pronounced fit to start. Anthony,
whose legs were of a parenthetical
build, seemed to adopt himself more
easily to his seat.
“Now then, trot!” cried the sergeant,
and away we went with a wild
expenditure of elbow.
“Toes in, toes in, gentlemen!” continued
our instructor; “blowed but
you’d drive them wild if you had spurs
on! You ain’t been at the dancing-school
lately, have you? Steady—steady—very
good. Down your elbows,
gentlemen, if you please! them
bridles isn’t pumps. Heads up! now
gallop! Bravo! very good. Screw in
the knees a little. Hold on—hold on,
sir, or damme you’ll be off!”
And sure enough I was within an
ace of going over, having lost a stirrup,
when the sergeant caught hold
of me by the arm.
“I’ll tell you what, gents,” he said,
“you’ll never learn to ride in this
’varsal world, unless you tries it without
the irons. Nothing like that for
giving a man a sure seat. So, Bill,
take off the stirrups, will you! Don’t
be afeard, gentlemen. I’ll make riders
of you yet, or my name isn’t Kickshaw.”
Notwithstanding the comforting assurances
of Kickshaw, I felt considerably
nervous. If I could not maintain
my seat with the assistance of
the stirrups, what the mischief was I
to do without them? I looked rebelliously
at Anthony’s stirrup, but that
intrepid individual seemed to have
nerved himself to meet any possible
danger. His enormous legs seemed
calculated by nature to embrace the
body of his charger, and he sat erect
like an overgrown Bacchus bestriding
a kilderkin of beer.
“Trot, gentlemen!” and away we
went. I shall never forget the agony
of that hour! The animal I rode was
peculiarly decided in his paces; so
much so that at each step my os
coccygis came down with a violent
thump upon the saddle, and my teeth
rattled in my head like dice in a backgammon-box.
How I managed to
maintain my posture I cannot clearly
understand. Possibly the instinct of
self-preservation proved the best
auxiliary to the precepts of Sergeant
Kickshaw; for I held as tight a hold
of the saddle as though I had been
crossing the bridge of Al Sirat, with
the flames of the infernal regions
rolling and undulating beneath.
“Very good, gentlemen—capital!—you’re
improving vastly!” cried the
complimentary sergeant. “Nothing
like the bare saddle after all—damme
but I’ll make you take a four-barred
gate in a week! Now sit
steady. Gallop!”
Croton oil was a joke to it! I
thought my whole vitals were flying
to pieces as we bounded round the
oval building, the speed gradually increasing,
until in my diseased imagination
we were going at the pace of
Lucifer. My head began to grow
dizzy, and I clutched convulsively at
the pommel.
“An-tho-ny!” I gasped in monosyllables.
“Well?”
“How—do—you—feel?”
“Monstrous shakey,” replied Anthony
in dissyllables.
“I’m off!” cried I; and, losing my
balance at the turn, I dropped like a
sack of turnips.
However, I was none the worse for
it. Had it not been for Anthony, and
the dread of his report, I certainly
think I should have bolted, and renounced
the yeomanry for ever. But
a courageous example does wonders.
I persevered, and in a few days really
made wonderful progress. I felt,
however, considerably sore and stiff—straddled
as I walked along the street,
and was compelled to resort to
diachylon. What with riding and
the foot-drill I had hard work of it,
and earnestly longed for the time
when the regiment should go into
quarters. I almost forgot to mention
that Masaniello turned out to be an
immense black brute, rather aged,
but apparently sound, and, so far as I
could judge, quiet. There was, however,
an occasional gleam about his
eye which I did not exactly like.
“He’ll carry you, sir, famously—no
doubt of it,” said Kickshaw, who
inspected him; “and, mind my words,
he’ll go it at the charge!”
It was a brilliant July morning
when I first donned my regimentals
for actual service. Dugald M’Tavish,
a caddy from the corner of the street,
had been parading Masaniello, fully
caparisoned for action, before the door
at least half an hour before I was
ready, to the no small delectation of
two servant hizzies who were sweeping
out the stairs, and a diminutive
baker’s boy.
“Tak’ a cup o’ coffee afore ye get
up on that muckle funking beast,
Maister George,” said Nelly; “and
mind ye, that if ye are brocht hame
this day wi’ yer feet foremost, it’s no
me that has the wyte o’t.”
“Confound you, Nelly! what do
you keep croaking for in that way?”
“It’s a’ ane to me; but, O man,
ye’re unco like Rehoboam! Atweel
ye needna flounce at that gate. Gang
yer wa’s sodgerin’, and see what’ll
come o’t. It’s ae special mercy that
there’s a hantle o’ lint in the hoose,
and the auld imbrocation for broken
banes; and, in case o’ the warst, I’ll
ha’e the lass ready to rin for Doctor
Scouther.”
This was rather too much; so, with
the reverse of a benediction on my
gouvernante, I rushed from the house,
and, with the assistance of Dugald,
succeeded in mounting Masaniello, a
task of no small difficulty, as that
warlike quadruped persisted in effecting
a series of peripherical evolutions.
“And when wull ye be back, and
what wull ye ha’e for denner?” were
the last words shouted after me as I
trotted off to the rendezvous.
It was still early, and there were
not many people abroad. A few
faces decorated with the picturesque
mutch, occasionally appeared at the
windows, and one or two young
rascals doubtless descendants of the
disaffected who fell at Bonnymuir,
shouted “Dook!” as I rode along.
Presently I fell in with several of my
comrades, amongst whom I recognised
with pleasure Randolph and
Anthony Whaup.
“By Jove, M’Whirter!” said the
former, “that’s a capital mount of
yours. I don’t think there is a finer
horse in the troop; and I say, old
chap, you sit him as jauntily as a
janissary!”
“He has had hard work to do it
though, as I can testify,” remarked
Anthony, whose gelding seemed to
be an animal of enviable placidity.
“I wish you had seen us both at
Kickshaw’s a week ago.”
“I dare say, but there’s nothing
like practice. Hold hard, M’Whirter!
If you keep staring up that way, you
may have a shorter ride of it than
you expect. Easy—man—easy! That
brute has the mettle of Beelzebub.”
The remark was not uncalled for.
We were passing at that moment
before the Bogles’ house, and I could
not resist the temptation of turning
round to gaze at the window of Edith,
in the faint hope that she might be a
spectator of our expedition. In doing
so, my left spur touched Masaniello
in the flank, a remembrancer which
he acknowledged with so violent a
caper, that I was very nearly pitched
from the saddle.
“Near shave that, sir!” said Hargate,
who now rode up to join us
“we’ll require to put you into the
rear rank this time, where, by the
way, you’ll be remarkably comfortable.”
“I hope,” said Anthony, “I may
be entitled to the same privilege.”
“Of course. Pounset, I think, will
be your front rank man. He’s quite
up to the whole manœuvre, only you
must take care of his mare. But here
we are at Abbey-hill gate, and just in
time.”
I was introduced in due form to
the officers of the squadron, with
none of whom I was previously acquainted,
and was directed to take
my place as Randolph’s rear rank
man, so that in file we marched together.
Before us were two veteran
yeomen, and behind were Anthony
and Pounset.
Nothing particular occurred during
our march to Portobello sands.
Masaniello behaved in a manner
which did him infinite credit, and
contributed not a little to my comfort.
He neither reared nor plunged but
contented him at times with a resolute
shake of the head, as if he disapproved
of something, and an occasional
sniff at Randolph’s filly, whenever
she brought her head too near.
On arriving at the sands we formed
into column, so that Anthony and I
were once more side by side. The
other squadrons of the regiment were
already drawn up, and at any other
time I should no doubt have considered
the scene as sufficiently imposing.
I had other things, however, to think
of besides military grandeur.
“I say, Anthony,” said I, somewhat
nervously, “do you know any thing
about these twistified manoeuvres?”
“Indeed I do not!” replied Whaup,
“I’ve been puzzling my brains for
the last three days over the Yeomanry
Regulations, but I can make nothing
out of their ‘Reverse flanks’ and
‘Reforming by sections of threes’?”
“And I’m as ignorant as a baby!
What on earth are we to do? That
big fellow of a sergeant won’t let us
stand quietly, I suppose.”
“I stick to Pounset,” said Whaup.
“Whatever he does I do, and I advise
you to do the same by Randolph.”
“But what if they should ride away?
Isn’t there some disgusting nonsense
about forming from threes?”
“I suppose the horses know something
about it, else what’s the use of
them? That brute of yours must
have gone through the evolutions a
thousand times, and ought to know
the word of command by heart—Hallo!—I
say, Pounset, just take care
of that mare of yours, will ye! She’s
kicking like the very devil, and my
beast is beginning to plunge!”
“I wouldn’t be Pounset’s rear-rank
for twenty pounds,” said a stalwart
trooper to the left. “She has
the ugliest trick of using her heels of
any mare in Christendom.”
“Much obliged to you, sir, for the
information,” said Whaup, controlling,
with some difficulty, the incessant
curveting of his steed. “I say,
Pounset, if she tries that trick again
I’ll hamstring her without the slightest
ceremony.”
“Pooh—nonsense!” replied Pounset.
“Woa, Miss Frolic—woa, lass!—she’s
the gentlest creature in the
creation—a child might ride her with
a feather. Mere playfulness, my dear
fellow, I assure you!”
“Rot her playfulness!” cried Anthony;
“I’ve no idea of having my
brains made a batter pudding for the
amusement of a jade like that.”
“Are you sure, Whaup, that you
did not tickle her tail?” asked Pounset,
with provoking coolness. “She’s
a rare ’un to scatter a crowd.”
“Hang me if I’d come within three
yards of her if I possibly could help
it,” quoth Anthony. “If any gentleman
in the neighbourhood has a fancy
to exchange places, I’m his man.”
“Threes right!” cried the commanding-officer,
and we executed a
movement of which I am wholly unconscious;
for, to the credit of Masaniello
be it said, he took the direction
in his own mouth, and performed
it so as to save his rider from reproach.
Then came the sword exercise, consisting
of a series of slashes, which
went off tolerably well—then the skirmishing,
when one of our flank men
was capsized—and at last, to my
great joy, we were permitted to sit at
ease; that is, as easily as our previous
exertions would allow. I then learned
to appreciate the considerate attention
of the authorities in abrogating
the use of pistols. In each man’s
holsters was a soda-water bottle, filled
for the nonce with something more
pungent than the original Schweppe,
and a cigar case. These were now
called into requisition, and a dense
wreath of smoke arose along the lines
of the squadron. The officer then in
command embraced the opportunity
of addressing us in a pithy oration.
“Gentlemen!” said he, “I would
not be performing my duty to my
Queen and my country, (cheers,) if I
did not express to you my extreme
surprise and satisfaction at the manner
in which the new recruits have
gone through the preliminary drill.
Upon my honour I expected that more
than one-half of you would have been
spilt—a spectacle which might possibly
have been pleasing to those veteran
warriors of Dalmahoy, but which
I should have witnessed with extraordinary
pain. As it is, you rode like
bricks. However, it is my duty to
inform you, that a more serious trial
of your fortitude is about to come.
The squadrons will presently form together,
and you will be called upon
to charge. Many of you know very
well how to do that already”——
“Especially the Writers to the
Signet,” muttered Anthony.
“But there are others who are new
to the movement. To these gentlemen,
therefore, I shall address a few
words of caution; they are short and
simple. Screw yourselves tight in
your saddles—hold hard at first—keep
together as you best can—think
that the enemy are before you—and
go at it like blazes!”
A shout of approval followed this
doughty address, and the heart of
every trooper burned with military
ardour. For my own part, I was becoming
quite reconciled to the thing.
I perfectly coincided with my commanding-officer
in his amazement at
the adhesive powers of myself and
several others, and with desperate
recklessness I resolved to test them to
the utmost. The bugle now sounded
the signal to fall in. Soda bottles
and cigar cases were returned to their
original concealment, and we once
more took our respective places in the
ranks.
“Now comes the fun,” said Randolph,
after the leading squadron had
charged in line. “Mind yourselves,
boys!”
“March—trot—gallop.”
On we went like waves of the sea,
regularly enough at first, then slightly
inclining to the line of beauty, as
some of the weaker hacks began to
show symptoms of bellows.
“Cha—a—rge!”
“Go ahead!” cried Randolph, sticking
his spurs into his Bucephalus.
Masaniello, with a snort, fairly took
the bridle into his teeth, and dashed
off with me at a speed which threatened
to throw the ranks into utter
confusion. As for Pounset, he appeared
to be possessed with the fury of a
demon. His kicking mare sent up at
every stride large clods of sand in
the teeth of the unfortunate Anthony
Whaup, whose presence of mind
seemed at last to have forsaken him.
“What the mischief are you after,
Whaup?” panted the trooper on his
left. “Just take your foot out of
my stirrup, will you?”
“Devil a bit!” quoth Anthony
“I’m too glad to get any thing to hold
on by.”
“If you don’t, you’re a gone ’coon.
There!—I told you.” And the steed
of Anthony was rushing riderless
among the press.
I don’t know exactly how we pulled
up. I have an indistinct notion that I
owed my own arrest to Neptune, and
that Masaniello was chest deep in the
sea before he paid the slightest attention
to my convulsive tugs at the
bridle. Above the rush of waves I
heard a yell of affright, and perceived
that I had nearly ridden over the carcass
of a fat old gentleman, who, in
puris naturalibus, was disporting himself
in the water; and who now, in an
agony of terror, and apparently under
the impression that he was a selected
victim for the tender mercies of the
yeomanry, struck out vigorously for
Inchkeith. I did not tarry to watch
his progress, but returned as rapidly
as possible to the squadron.
By this time the shores of Portobello
were crowded with habitual
bathers. There is a graceful abandon,
and total absence of prudery, which
peculiarly characterise the frequenters
of that interesting spot, and reminds
one forcibly of the manners of the
Golden Age. Hirsute Triton and
dishevelled Nereid there float in unabashed
proximity; and, judging from
the usual number of spectators, there
is something remarkably attractive in
the style of these aquatic exercises.
The tide was pretty far out, so that
of course there was a wide tract of
sand between the shingle and the sea.
Our squadron was again formed in
line, when a bathing-machine was
observed leisurely bearing down upon
our very centre, conveying its freight
towards the salubrious waters.
“Confound that boy!” cried the
commanding-officer; “he will be
among the ranks in a minute. Sergeant!
ride out, and warn the young
scoundrel off at his peril.”
The sergeant galloped towards the
machine.
“Where are you going, you young
scum of the earth? Do you not see
the troops before you? Get back this
instant!”
“I’ll do naething o’ the kind,” replied
the urchin, walloping his bare
legs, by way of encouragement, against
the sides of the anatomy he bestrode.
“The sands is just as free to huz
as to ony o’ ye, and I would like
to ken what richt ye have tae prevent
the foulks frae bathin’.”
“Do you dare to resist, you vagabond?”
cried the man of stripes, with
a terrific flourish of his sabre
“Wheel back immediately, or”——
and he went through the first four-cuts
of the sword exercise.
“Eh man!” said the intrepid
shrimp, “what wull ye do? Are
ye no ashamed, a great muckle fellie
like you, to come majoring, an’ shakin’
yer swurd at a bit laddie? Eh,
man, if I was ner yer size, I’d gie ye a
licking mysel’. Stand oot o’ the gate,
I say, an I’ll sune run through the
haill o’ ye. I’m no gaun to lose
saxpence for yeer nonsensical parauds.”
“Cancel my commission!” said the
lieutenant, “if the brat hasn’t bothered
the sergeant! The bathing-machine
is coming down upon us like
the chariot of Queen Boadicea! This
will never do. Randolph—you and
M’Whirter ride out and reinforce.
That scoundrel is another Kellerman,
and will break us to a dead certainty!”
“Twa mair o’ ye!” observed the
youth with incredible nonchalance, as
we rode up with ferocious gestures.
“O men, but ye’re bauld bauld the
day! Little chance the Frenchies
wad hae wi’ the like o’ you ’gin they
were comin’! Gee hup, Bauldy!”
“Come, come, my boy,” said Randolph,
nearly choking with laughter,
“this is all very well, but you must
positively be off. Come, tumble round,
my fine fellow, and you shall have
leave to pass presently.”
“Aum no gaun to lose the tide that
way,” persevered the urchin. “The
sands is open to the haill o’ huz, and
I’ll no gang back for nane o’ ye. Gin
ye offer tae strike me, I’ll hae the
haill squad o’ ye afore the Provost o’
Portobelly, and, ma certie, there’ll
be a wheen heels sune coolin’ in the
jougs!”
“By heavens! this is absolutely
intolerable!” said the sergeant—“M’Whirter,
order the man in the
inside to open the door, and come out
in Her Majesty’s name.”
I obeyed, as a matter of course.
“I say—you, sir, inside—do you
know where you are going? Right
into the centre of a troop of the Royal
Yeomanry Cavalry! If you are a
gentleman and a loyal subject, you
will open the door immediately, and
desire the vehicle to be stopped.”
In order to give due effect to this
remonstrance, and also to impress the
inmate with a proper sense of the
consequences of interference with martial
discipline, I bestowed cut No.
Seven with all my might upon the machine.
To my horror, and that of
my companions, there arose from
within a prolonged and double-voiced
squall.
“Hang me, if it isn’t women!”
said the sergeant.
“Yer mither wull be proud o’ ye
the nicht,” said the Incubus on the
atomy, “when it’s tell’t her that ye
hae whanged at an auld machine, and
frichtet twa leddies to the skirlin’!
Ony hoo, M’Whirter, gin that’s your
name, there’ll be half-a-croun to pay
for the broken brodd!”
The small sliding-pannel at the
back of the machine was now cautiously
opened.
“Goodness gracious, Mr M’Whirter!”
said a voice which I instantly recognised
to be that of Edith Bogle, “is
it possible that can be you? Is it the
custom, sir, of the Scottish yeomen to
break in upon the privacy of two
young defenceless females, and even
to raise their weapons against the place
which contains them? Fie, sir! is
that your boasted chivalry?”
“O George—go away, do! I am
really quite ashamed of you!” said
the voice of my cousin, Mary Muggerland.
I thought I should have dropped
from my saddle.
“Friends of yours, eh, M’Whirter?”
said Randolph. “Rather an awkward
fix, I confess. What’s to be
done?”
“Would the regulars have behaved
thus?” cried Edith, with increased
animation. “Would they have insulted
a woman? Never. Begone,
sir—I am afraid I have been mistaken
in you”——
“By my honour, Edith!—Miss
Bogle, I mean—you do me gross injustice!
I did not know—I could not
conceive that you, or Mary, or any
other lady, were in the machine, and
then—consider my orders”——
“Orders, sir! There are some
orders which never ought to be obeyed.
But enough of this. If you have delicacy
enough to feel for our situation,
you will not protract this interview.
Drive on, boy! and you, Mr M’Whirter,
if you venture to interrupt us
further, never expect my pardon.”
“Nor mine!” added Mary Muggerland.
“Who the mischief cares for yours,
you monkey!” muttered I sotto voce.
“But Edith—one other word”——
“Don’t call me Edith, sir! This
continued importunity is insufferable!
If you have any explanation
to make, you must select a fitter time,”
and the sliding-pannel was instantly
closed.
“Ye’ve cotched it ony hoo!” said
the shrimp, with a malignant leer.
“Wauken up, Bauldy, my man, and
see how cleverly ye’ll gae through
them!”
A few words of explanation satisfied
our commanding-officer, and the
victorious machine rolled insultingly
through the lines. I have not spirits
to narrate the further proceedings of
that day. My heart was not in the
squadron; and my eyes, even when
ordered to be directed to the left,
were stealthily turned in the other
direction towards two distant figures
in bathing-gowns, sedulously attempting
to drown one another in fun.
Shortly afterwards we dispersed, and
returned to Edinburgh. I attempted
a visit of explanation, but Miss Bogle
was not at home.
I messed that evening for the first
time with the squadron. Judging
from the laughter which arose on all
sides, it was a merry party; but my
heart was heavy, and I could hardly
bring myself to enter cordially into
the festivities. I was also rather
uneasy in person, as will happen to
young cavalry soldiers. I drank,
however, a good deal of wine, and,
as I was afterwards informed, recovered
amazingly towards the end of
the sederunt. They also told me
next morning, that I had entered
Masaniello to run for the Squadron
Cup.
“And so you really forgive me,
Edith!” said I, bending over the lady
of my love, as she sate creating worsted
roses in a parterre of gossamer
canvass; “you are not angry at what
happened the other day at that unlucky
encounter on the sands?”
“Have I not said already that I
forgive you?” replied Edith. “Is
it necessary that I should assure you
twice?”
“Charming Miss Bogle! you do
not know how happy you have made
me.”
“Pray, don’t lean over me so, or
you’ll make me spoil my work. See—I
have absolutely put something
like a caterpillar in the heart of this
rosebud!”
“Never, dearest lady, may any
caterpillar prey upon the rosebud of
your happiness. How curious! Do
you know, the outline of that sketch
reminds me forcibly of the countenance
of Roper?”
“Mr M’Whirter!”
“Nay, I was merely jesting.
Pray, Miss Bogle, what are your
favourite colours?”
“Peach blossom and scarlet; but
why do you ask?”
“Do not press me for an explanation—it
will come early enough.
And now, Edith, I must bid you
adieu.”
“So soon? Cannot you spare a
single hour from your military duties?
Bless me, how pale you are looking!
Are you sure you are quite well?”
“Quite—that is to say a little
shaken in the nerves or so. This
continued exertion”——
“Do you mean at mess? Mr
Roper told me sad stories about your
proceedings two nights ago.”
“Oh, pooh-nonsense! You will
certainly then appear at the races?”
“You may depend upon me.”
And so I took my leave.
The reader will gather from this
conversation, which took place four
days after the events detailed in last
chapter, that I had effectually made
my peace with Miss Bogle. For this
arrangement Mary Muggerland took
much more credit than I thought she
was entitled to; however, it is of no
use quarrelling with the well disposed,
especially if they are females, as, in
that case, you are sure to have the
worst of it in the long run. I did not
feel quite easy, however, regarding
the insinuations thrown out upon my
unusually pallid appearance. The
fact is, that the last week had rather
been a fast one. The mess was remarkably
pleasant, and all would
have been quite right had we stopped
there. But I had unfortunately
yielded to the fascinations of Archy
Chaffinch and some of the younger
hands, who, being upon the loose, resolved
to make the very most of it,
and the consequence was, that, to the
great scandal of Nelly, we kept highly
untimeous hours. In fact, one night
I made a slight mistake, which I have
not yet, and may never hear, the last
of, by walking, quite accidentally,
into the house of my next-door neighbour—a
grave and reverend signior—instead
of my own, and abusing him
like a pickpocket for his uncalled-for
presence within the shade of my patrimonial
lobby. It therefore followed,
that sometimes of a morning,
after mounting Masaniello, I had a
strong suspicion that a hive of bees had
taken a fancy to settle upon my helmet—a
compliment which might have
been highly satisfactory to the infant
Virgil, but was by no means suited to
the nerves or taste of an adult Writer
to the Signet.
Roper had been my guest at one
of the late messes. His speech in returning
thanks for the health of his
regiment was one of the richest specimens
of oratory I ever had the good
fortune to hear, and ought to be embalmed
for the benefit of an aspiring
posterity. It ran somewhat thus——
“I assure you, sir, that the honour
you have just conferred upon ours, is—yas—amply
appweciated, I assure
you, sir, by the wegular army. It gives
us, sir—yas—the hiwest gwatification
to be pwesent at the mess of such a
loyal body as the South-Lothian Yeomanry
Cavalry. The distinguished
services of that gallant corps, both at
home and abwoad, are such as—yas—to
demand the admiwation of their
country, and—yas—in short, I feel
compwetely overpowared. The bwoad
banners of Bwitain floating over land
and sea—chalk cliffs of old Albion, if
I may be allowed the simile—wight
hand of the service and left—wegulars
and yeomanry—and the three corners
of the world may come at once in
arms, and be considewably shocked
for their pains. Permit me again to
expwess my extweme thanks for the
honour you have done to ours.”
Now, on that evening, as I can
conscientiously vouch, Roper contrived
to deposit at least two bottles of
claret beneath his belt. Any revelations,
therefore, of what took place at
our hospitable board, amounted to a
gross breach of confidence, and were
quite unpardonable; more especially
when our relative situations with regard
to the affections of Miss Bogle
are considered. But Punic faith is
the very least that one can expect
from a rival.
On the review day, the whole regiment
turned out under auspices of
unusual smartness. We were to be
inspected by a veteran officer of high
rank and reputation, and, under these
circumstances, we all thought ourselves
bound in honour to support the
credit of the corps. This was not
remarkably difficult. You will hardly
see anywhere a finer-looking set of
fellows than the Mid-Lothian yeomanry,
and our discipline, considering
the short period of exercise, was really
praiseworthy. In the words of our
commanding-officer, he was justly
proud of his recruits, and I can answer
for it, that the recruits most
cordially reciprocated the sentiment.
“Now, Anthony,” said Pounset, as
we formed into line, “I shall really
be obliged to you to make less clatter
with that scabbard of yours when we
charge. My mare is mad enough
with the music, without having the
additional impetus of supposing that
a score of empty kettles are tied to
her tail.”
“By Jove, that’s a good one!”
replied Anthony. “Here have you
been bunging up my eyes and making
attempts upon my ribs for the last
week, and yet you expect me to have
no other earthly consideration beyond
your personal comfort! How the
deuce am I to manage my scabbard
when both hands are occupied?”
“Can’t you follow the example of
Prince Charles, and throw it away?”
“Thank you for nothing. But, I
say, that sort of madness seems contagious.
Here’s M’Whirter’s horse
performing a fandango, which is far
more curious than agreeable.”
“What’s the matter with Masaniello?”
cried Archy Chaffinch; “he
looks seriously inclined to bolt.”
I had awful suspicions of the same
nature. No sooner had the regimental
band struck up, than my
charger began to evince disagreeable
signs of impatience; he pawed, pranced,
snorted, curveted, and was utterly
deaf to the blandishments with which
I strove to allay his irritability. I
was even thankful when we were put
into motion preparatory to the charge,
in the belief that action might render
him less restive; and so it did for a
time. But no sooner had we broke
into a gallop, than I felt it was all up
with me. I might as well have been
without a bridle. The ungovernable
brute laid back his ears like a tiger,
and I shot past Randolph in an instant,
very nearly upsetting that judicious
warrior in my course.
Nor was I alone. Pounset’s mare,
who never brooked a rival, and who,
moreover, had taken umbrage at the
sonorous jolting of Anthony, was resolved
not to be outstripped; and,
taking the bridle between her teeth,
came hard and heavy on my flank.
The cry of “halt!” sounded far and
faint behind us. We dashed past a
carriage, in which, from a momentary
glimpse, I recognised the form of
Edith; while a dragoon officer—I
knew intuitively it was Roper—had
drawn up his horse by the side. They
were laughing—yes! by heavens they
were laughing—at the moment I was
borne away headlong, and perhaps
to destruction. My sword flew out
of my hand—I had need of both to
hold the reins. I shouted to Pounset
to draw in, but an oath was the only
reply!
I heard the blast of the recall
bugle behind us, but Masaniello only
stretched out more wildly. We
splashed through the shallow pools
of water, sending up the spray behind
us; and onwards—onwards we went
towards Joppa, with more than the
velocity of the wind.
“Have a care, M’Whirter!” shouted
Pounset. “Turn his head to the sea
if you can. There’s a quicksand right
before you!”
I could as easily have converted a
Mussulman. I saw before me a dark
streak, as if some foul brook were
stagnating on the sands. There was
a dash, a splash, a shock, and I was
catapulted over the ears of Masaniello.
I must have lost consciousness, I
believe, for the next thing I remember
was Pounset standing over me,
and holding my quadruped by the
bridle.
“We may thank our stars it is no
worse,” said he; “that stank fairly
took the shine out of your brute, and
brought him to a stand-still. Are
you hurt?”
“Not much. But I say, what a
figure I am!”
“Not altogether adapted for an
evening party, I admit. But never
mind. There’s a cure for every thing
except broken bones. Let’s get back
again as fast as we can, for the captain
will be in a beautiful rage!”
We returned. A general acclamation
burst from the squadron as we
rode up, but the commanding-officer
looked severe as Draco.
“Am I to conclude, gentlemen,”
said he, “that this exhibition was a
trial of the comparative merits of your
horses preparatory to the racing?
Upon such an occasion as this I must
say”——
“Just look at M’Whirter, captain,”
said Pounset, “and then judge for
yourself whether it was intentional.
The fact is, my mare is as hot as
ginger, and that black horse has no
more mouth than a brickbat!”
“Well, after all, he does seem in a
precious mess. I am sure it was a
mere accident, but don’t let it happen
again. Fall in, gentlemen.”
There was, however, as regarded
myself, considerable opposition to this
order.
“Why, M’Whirter, you’re not going
to poison us to death, are you?” said
Anthony Whaup. “Pray keep to the
other side, like a good fellow—you’re
not just altogether a bouquet.”
“Do they gut the herrings down
yonder, M’Whirter?” asked Archy
Chaffinch. “Excuse me for remarking
that your flavour is rather full
than fragrant.”
“I wish they had allowed smoking
on parade!” said a third. “It
would require a strong Havannah
to temper the exhalations of our comrade.”
“Hadn’t you better go home at
once?” suggested Randolph. “My
horse is beginning to cough.”
“Yes—yes!” cried half-a-dozen.
“Go home at once.”
“And if you are wise,” added Hargate,
“take a dip in the sea—boots,
helmet, pantaloons, and all.”
I obtained permission, and retired
in a state of inconceivable disgust.
Towards the carriage where Edith
was seated, I dared not go; and with
a big and throbbing heart I recollected
that she had witnessed my disgrace.
“But she shall yet see,” I mentally
exclaimed, “that I am worthy
of her! Once let me cast this foul
and filthy slough—let me don her
favourite colours—let me win the
prize, as I am sure I ought to do, and
the treasure of her heart may be mine!—You
young villain! if you make
faces at me again, I shall fetch you a
cut over the costard!”
“Soor dook!” shouted the varlet.
“Eh! see till the man that’s been
coupit ower in the glaur!”
I rode home as rapidly as possible.
I throw a veil over the triumphant
ejaculations of Nelly at the sight of
my ruined uniform, and the personal
allusions she made to the retreat and
discomfiture of the Philistines. That
evening I avoided mess, and courted
a sound sleep to prepare me for the
fatigues of the ensuing day.
“Here is a true, correct, and particular
account, of the noblemen, gentlemen,
and yeomen’s horses, that is
to run this day over the course of
Musselburry, with the names, weights,
and liveries of the riders, and the
same of the horses themselves!”
Such were the cries that saluted
me, as next day I rode up to the race-course
of Musselburgh. I purchased
a card, which among other entries
contained the following:—
Edinburgh Squadron Cup, 12 Stone.
Mr A. Chaffinch’s br. g. Groggyboy—Green and White Cap.
Mr Randolph ns. b. g. Cheeser—Geranium and French Grey.
Mr M’Whirter’s bl. g. Masaniello—Peach-blossom and Scarlet.
Mr Hargate ns. ch. m. Loupowerher—Fawn and Black Cap.
Mr Pounset’s b. m. Miss Frolic—Orange and Blue.
Mr Shakerley ns. b. g. Spontaneous Combustion—White body and Liver-coloured sleeves.
I made my way to the stand. Miss
Bogle and Mary Muggerland were
there, but so also was the eternal
Roper.
“Ah, M’Whirter!” said the latter.
“How do you feel yourself
this morning? None the worse of
your tumble yesterday, I hope?
Mere accident, you know. Spiwited
cweature Masaniello, it must be confessed.
’Gad, if you can make him
go the pace as well to-day, you’ll
distance the whole of the rest of
them.”
“Oh, Mr M’Whirter! I’m so glad
to see you!” said Edith. “How
funny you looked yesterday when
you were running away! Do you
know that I waved my handkerchief
to you as you passed, but you were
not polite enough to take any notice?”
“Indeed, Miss Bogle, I had something
else to think of at that particular
moment.”
“You were not thinking about
me, then?” said Edith. “Well, I
can’t call that a very gallant speech.”
“I’ll lay an even bet,” said Roper,
“that you were thinking more about
the surgeon.”
“Were you ever wounded, Mr
Roper?” said I.
“Once—in the heart, and incurably,”
replied the coxcomb, with a
glance at Edith.
“Pshaw! because if you had been,
you would scarce have ventured to
select the surgeon as the subject of a
joke. But I forgot. These are times
of peace.”
“When men of peace become soldiers,”
retorted Roper.
“I declare you are very silly!”
cried Edith; “and I have a good
mind to send both of you away.”
“Death rather than banishment!”
said Roper.
“Well, then, do be quiet! I take
such an interest in your race, Mr
M’Whirter. Do you know I have
two pairs of gloves upon it? So you
must absolutely contrive to win. By
the way, what are your colours?”
“Peach-blossom and scarlet.”
“How very gallant! I take it
quite as a compliment to myself.”
“M’Whirter! you’re wanted,”
cried a voice from below.
“Bless me! I suppose it is time
for saddling. Farewell, Edith—farewell,
Mary! I shall win if I possibly
can.”
“Good-by!” said Roper. “Stick
on tightly and screw him up, and
there’s no fear of Masaniello.”
“Where the deuce have you been,
M’Whirter?” said Randolph. “Get
into the scales as fast as you can.
You’ve been keeping the whole of us
waiting.”
“I’ll back Masaniello against the
field at two to one,” said Anthony
Whaup.
“Done with you, in ponies,”
said Patsey Chaffinch, who was assisting
his brother from the scales.
“Do you feel nervous, M’Whirter?”
asked Hosier, a friend who
was backing me rather heavily. “You
look a little white in the face.”
“To tell you the truth—I do.”
“That’s bad. Had you not better
take a glass of brandy?”
“Not a bad idea;” and I took
it.
“That’s right. Now canter him
about a little, and you’ll soon get used
to it.”
I shall carefully avoid having any
occasion to make use of my dear-bought
experience. I felt remarkably sheepish
as I rode out upon the course, and
heard the observations of the crowd.
“And wha’s yon in the saumon-coloured
jacket?”
“It’ll be him they ca’ Chaffinch.”
“Na, man—yon chield wad make
twa o’ Chaffinch. He’s but a feather-wecht
o’ a cratur.”
“Wow, Jess! but that’s a bonnie
horse!”
“Bonnier than the man that’s on
it, ony how.”
“Think ye that’s the beast they ca’
Masonyellow?”
“I’m thinkin’ sae. That man can
ride nane. He’s nae grupp wi’ his
thees.”
These were the sort of remarks
which met my ears as I paced along,
nor, as I must confess, was I particularly
elated thereby. Pounset now
rode up.
“Well, M’Whirter, we are to have
another sort of race to-day. I half
fear, from the specimen I have seen of
Masaniello, that my little mare runs a
poor chance; but Chaffinch will give
you work for it—Groggyboy was a
crack horse in his day. But come,
there goes the bell, and we are wanted
at the starting-post.”
The remainder of my story is short.
“Ready, gentlemen?—Off!” and
away we went, Spontaneous Combustion
leading, Miss Frolic and Groggyboy
next, Randolph and myself following,
and Hargate bringing up the
rear on Loupowerher, who never had
a chance. After the first few seconds,
when all was mist before my eyes, I
felt considerably easier. Masaniello
was striding out vigorously, and I
warmed insensibly to the work. The
pace became terrific. Spon. Bus. gradually
gave way, and Groggyboy took
the lead. I saw nothing more of Randolph.
On we went around the race-course
like a crowd of motley demoniacs,
whipping, spurring, and working
at our reins as if thereby we were
assisting our progression. I was resolved
to conquer or to die.
Round we came in sight of the assembled
multitude. I could even hear
their excited cries in the distance.
Masaniello was now running neck and
neck with Groggyboy—Miss Frolic
half-a-length before!
And now we neared the stand. I
thought I could see the white fluttering
of Edith’s handkerchief—I clenched
my teeth, grasped my whip, and
lashed vigorously at Masaniello. In
a moment more I should have been
a-head—but there was a crash, and
then oblivion.
Evil was the mother that whelped
that cur of a butcher’s dog! He ran
right in before Masaniello, and horse
and man were hurled with awful violence
to the ground. I forgive Masaniello.
Poor brute! his leg was
broken, and they had to shoot him on
the course. He was my first and last
charger.
As for myself, I was picked up insensible,
and conveyed home upon a
shutter, thereby fulfilling to the letter
the ominous prophecies of Nelly, who
cried the coronach over me. Two of
my ribs were fractured, and for three
weeks I was confined to bed with a
delirious fever.
“What noise is that below stairs,
Nelly?” asked I on the second morning
of my convalescence.
“’Deed, Maister George, I’m thinking
it’s just the servant lass chappin’
coals wi’ yer swurd.”
“Serve it right. And what parcel
is that on the table?
“I dinna ken: it came in yestreen.”
“Give it me.”
“Heaven and earth! Wedding-cake
and cards! Mr and Mrs
Roper!”