Among the gentilities of life, visits hold a first
place, and deserve attention. Their various occasion,
their different character and purpose, their
meaning are multiple, and have, therefore, some
forms necessary to be preserved. We may remark
that visits are classified as follows, viz.: visits of mere
form and policy; visits of real friendship; visits of congratulation
and of condolence; visits to give out invitations
for dinner, or a dance, or an evening party; visits
of state, where the party called upon is a "lion," an
eminent person, etc., etc.
The general style of dress to be adopted upon all
these occasions, is one of studied neatness rather
than of display or of elegance. Display upon such
occasions is really vulgar—it should be reserved for
the gay and brilliant soiree or evening company, if it
is made at all.
The time for the visit is after twelve o'clock, noon;
before that hour the lady of the house is supposed to
be busy at her household duties, and in getting the
rooms in order for the day: never make a call before
that hour.
Occupy but a brief time in your call, for you know
not how much the lady of the house may have to
do, nor where she may wish to go, hence it is best
always to make your call brief. If strongly urged to
remain longer, it would be impolite to go in haste;
but, as a general thing, let fifteen or twenty minutes
be the time spent in the visit. You will not then be
voted a "bore," but, on the other hand, will be considered
a pleasant caller—particularly if you have
made yourself agreeable.
Should another person be announced or enter on a
visit before your own visit is finished, it is but proper
for you immediately to retire, unless you may be intimate
with both the host and the new-comer, and are
invited to remain. Otherwise be not precipitate to
leave, but politely withdraw, for you do not know
what "confidences" there may be to be talked over.
Visits of congratulation upon occasion of marriage,
or safe return from a journey, or long absence, or escape
from calamity, should be at as early a moment as the
party seems ready for such visits; and should be always
made when you entertain a regard for the person interested.
It is now the practice for newly-married people
to send out their cards to those of their old friends with
whom they wish to renew acquaintance in their new
relationships; and it is a sign that you do not wish
to renew the acquaintance if you fail to respond to
the card by calling. If you fail to call, the parties
can not consistently recognize you afterward, except
you have some good and sufficient apology to offer
for your absence from their reception-rooms.
Visits of condolence are too much neglected in this
"fast" country of ours. In Europe the custom of
calling upon those who have suffered a loss by death
is quite general. The call, of course, should be brief,
and the words offered of the kindest and most considerate
character. It will greatly relieve the pangs
of sorrow for the living to feel that others are solicitous
for their welfare.
After you have attended a party, soiree, or sociable,
it is proper to call upon your host within a fortnight,
to make inquiries after his or her health, and
to remark upon the pleasure you experienced on the
occasion of the party. This is a pleasant way of
showing your friends that their efforts to please you
are appreciated.
New Year visits, strangely enough, are not general
in this country outside of a few large cities. The
first day of the New Year is set apart for general
"calls," when houses are "open," and all are privileged
to enter who are friends of the host, or who are
in company with a person who is on the calling list
of the house. It is not proper for a perfect stranger
to enter a room and introduce himself to the ladies
present, just because the door is "open;" if you wish
to call upon the receivers of company, get some
proper friend to introduce you. Even the freedom of
New Year's day will not excuse a liberty with
strangers.
In many instances houses are not open to "calls,"
on New Year's day, for various reasons. In cases of
this kind, it is a pleasant reminder of your existence,
and of your wish to continue your social relations for
the year, to send in your card sometime during January,
or, what is better, to call sometime during the
month, and re-establish yourself in the list of friends
of the party.
Of the various technicalities of these several occasions,
we may say:
Never forget to enter the room with thoroughly-cleaned
boots. Always use the scraper and mats at
the door.
If you meet any one on the staircase, you should
uncover, whoever it may be. You should do the
same in case of an introduction.
If you have a cane, keep it in your hand, and be
careful not to make much noise with your boots.
When a new visitor enters a drawing-room, if it be
a gentleman, the ladies bow slightly; if a lady, every
one rises.
Beware of asking the hour, or of taking out your
watch during a visit; avoid spitting on the floor—your
pocket-handkerchief will serve your purpose. To
place your hat on any article of furniture when you
enter a room is ungenteel; to lay it on a bed is unpardonable.
You must hold it in your hand, or
leave it with your over-coat in the anteroom. Crossing
the legs, and stretching them out at full length,
are equally improper.
The last arrival in a drawing-room takes a seat left
vacant near the mistress of the house.
A lady is not required to rise on receiving a gentleman,
nor to accompany him to the door.
If you are invited to lay down your hat, place it
beside, not before you.
A young man will avoid sitting in an arm-chair—which
should always be awarded to the ladies or old
gentlemen present. Leave the seat next the fire to
superiors in age or position. The children of the
family should assist their parents in receiving visitors,
relieve the ladies of their wrappings, provide seats,
and accompany to the door.
Never look about you in a room, as if you were
making an inventory.
The gloves should not be removed during a visit.
To brush your hat with your hand will expose you
to the charge of extreme vulgarity.
At the entrance of a visitor you should rise. A
professional man in his office is alone exempted from
this custom.
A lady does not put her address on her visiting-card.
We may here also add these further general
hints and suggestions:
Naturalness is an essential item in good-breeding.
Hear what La Bruyere thinks on this important question:
"Some young people do not sufficiently understand
the advantages of natural charms, and how
much they would gain by trusting to them entirely.
They weaken these gifts of heaven, so rare and fragile,
by affected manners and an awkward imitation.
Their tones and their gait are borrowed; they study
their attitudes before the glass, until they have lost
all trace of natural manner, and, with all their pains,
they please but little."
Without being vain, a young girl should be careful
of her person. Nothing is more repugnant to good
taste, than an air of neglect in the toilet and deportment
of woman. The hair and head-dress especially
require care and neatness.
Beware of imitating those people who never know
what to do with their bodies, and can never keep their
hands quiet.
Swinging on one's chair is extremely ill-bred.
The eye-glass stuck in the eye, denotes either the
dandy, the clerk, or the student. This custom is in
no way disagreeable to the passers-by, but it has an
air of ill-breeding and impertinence.
To follow a lady in the street, and turn the head
to stare at her, is still more impertinent than to do so
in a promenade, especially in cities, for reasons which
can not be further averted to in a book intended for
young persons of both sexes.
Familiarity with servants should be avoided, but
they should always be addressed with civility.
Some people, in speaking to you, have a silly habit
of passing their hand through the hair, or stroking
the mustache; some even carry a pocket-comb, which
they produce on all occasions, for dressing the beard;
others bite their nails, play with their watch-key, or
jingle the money in their pocket; all these offences
against propriety denote a want of good-breeding.
Excess in perfume should be avoided, lest the suspicion
be excited that you deal in the odors that you
inhale.
Good-sense has often more to do than education,
in making a polished man.
One of the essential qualities of good-breeding, is
deserving general esteem by one's deportment.
In little social games, a malicious girl will sometimes
amuse herself by imposing on a companion a
forfeit that will make her ridiculous; this shows a
bad disposition of mind as well as ill-breeding.
If, in offering a lady a gift, you select one that is
very costly, you may be guilty of an impertinence.
To speak in society of private matters, is extremely
improper.
Turning up the sleeves on sitting down to table, as
some persons do, is gross in the highest degree.
A habit of swearing always marks a vulgar man.
Calling to the waiter with a loud voice in a public-room,
and striking violently on the table, are indicative
of extreme ignorance.
A snuff-taker should not take out his box at table;
his neighbor will be little pleased at receiving the
stray grains in his plate.
Indiscreet questions are impertinent, as well as unseasonable
harangues.
You should be ready to act the knight, if a lady in
your company is attacked. If she give offence, and
that without reason, your office is that of mediator.
You should even ask pardon for your companion. A
bully would act otherwise; but it is absurd to get
into a quarrel for the sake of maintaining that a person
who is insolent has a right to be so, and that because
he is of your company. You will show yourself, in
acting thus, as ill-bred as he.
If, in doing an obliging act, you make people feel
the obligation, you deprive it entirely of its value.
If you speak of a friend to a person who is not intimate
with both him and you, preface his name with
the word Mr. It would not be proper to say to a
servant or a porter, "Is Julius here?" You must
say, "Is Mr. Julius here?"
A servant who understands propriety, always
speaks of his superiors in the third person.
When you receive a present, it would be an offence
to the donor to dismiss the porter without a gratuity.
If the honor of a woman be attacked, you should
always defend it. It is not allowable for any one to
assail the reputation of a lady, even if she be open to
censure.
In walking with a lady in the street, leave her the
inner side of the pavement. If you meet friends in a
narrow passage, or on a footpath, be careful not to
block up the way. It would be very impolite to inconvenience
the passers-by in this manner.
In whatever society you are, it is unpardonable to
remain covered in the presence of a lady. Louis
XIV., going one day on foot out of the castle of Versailles,
uncovered before a vender of cakes who was
stationed near the gate. The courtiers having expressed
their surprise; "Gentlemen," said the monarch,
"is not the king's mother a woman?" Our readers
may also remember the incident related of Henry
Clay: a negro woman courtesied to him, when he
raised his hat politely to her in return. "What!"
said a friend, "do you recognize negroes?" The noble
reply was: "I never allow negroes to excel me
in good manners."
When your visitor retires, you should accompany
him to the anteroom, and save him the trouble of
opening the door. In the case of a lady or an old
gentleman, it is proper to go to the foot of the staircase.