Feeling that the public is very much deceived concerning the
treatment and situation of a poor afflicted class of the human family,
who are placed in the McLean Assylum at Charlestown, by their
relatives, and are left in the hands of strangers, subjected to the treatment
of those whose hearts are hardened by being long accustomed
to human suffering, and who are ignorant and unqualified, I will expose
this matter to the public, in behalf of the afflicted, in connection
with the awful, brutal outrage that has been committed upon
me in consequence of indisposition resulting from hard labor and persecution,
so the public may be warned against placing their friends
there, especially if they would not have them ill-treated or suffer
unnecessarily.
First, I shall give a short sketch of my life down to the time when
I was carried to the Hospital; then an account of the CRIME in connection
with the treatment I received there, until I was taken out.
I feel that this should particularly interest the christian world; but
whether it is believed or not, I am determined to publish it, that the
people of God may take care of their own people in time of persecution
at the expense of one's life, whether father, mother, brother, or
sister step in between. The unconverted do not understand spirituality,
therefore a weak, persecuted christian should not be consigned
to their hands. If others who have suffered this cruelty before
me (as Dr. Fox says that both male and female christians have been
destroyed there before) had published and exposed the wicked crime
to the world, I might have been saved from suffering here and hereafter.
It is covered up under the garb of "derangement," but I am
willing to let the world know it, that others may be saved from these
awful outrages of the wicked at the present day. I know that the
world in general is ignorant of this crime—of the fact that Doctors
do possess knowledge of giving medicine to take away from a person
the spirit of Christ,—but I have suffered it.
I was born in Westford, Mass. My father was a mechanic, and
poor; my mother being often sick, with a family of 7 boys and 3
girls, we were all sent out young upon the world, to get our own
living. I being the youngest girl, was left at home alone. The peculiar
situation which I sustained in the family, being early disowned
by my father as his lawful child, he being intemperate at the time,
may be imagined. I was often the object of his wrath, though in
his sober hours I was kindly treated by him, as he was a man of tender
feelings. But my mother's affections were always alienated from
me, and I always felt the want of a mother's love, and consequently
became very unhappy. I determined to seek my own living and
share the same fate of the rest of the family by buffeting a cold unfeeling
world.
At the age of fifteen I resorted to the factories in Lowell, where
I found employment and became expert at the business. Knowing
that I had myself to take care of and no one to depend upon, I was
ambitious and often asked my overseer for the privilege of tending
double work, which was often granted; and as I had the means of
providing for my own wants and some to spare, I became restless
and often wished I had the means to go to school, as my mother often
told her children to get learning—it was what the world could
not take from us; (but O, alas! mine has been taken from me by
medicine, being given to me in an artful manner to harden my brains,
and the brain is the seat of the mind and the mind is the store-house
of knowledge) and I felt the want of it as I became advanced in
years and went into society. I soon began to make arrangments to
place myself at some school. I went home at the age of eighteen
and went to the Academy in Westford three or four months, and
then, in the year 1834, the first of May, I started for New Hampton
in company with a young lady from Boston, she being my only
acquaintance. I found the school very pleasant, and the teachers
were ardently pious. It was now that I felt that God had often called
after me and I had refused to obey him for my teacher said without the mind was enlightened by the Spirit of Christ it was not prepared
for knowledge. This increased the carnal state of my heart against
religion, for it appeared to me like foolishness, for there was nothing
but the simple religion of Jesus Christ, no disputing, no sectarian
spirit, and I was surrounded by the prayers of my teachers and
the pious scholars. But I withstood all the entreaties through the
summer term. I was determined not to get religion when there was
much said about it, for I looked upon it as excitement, as many others
foolishly call it. There were about one hundred and five scholars,
and at the end of the term all but three of us professed to have
an interest in Christ. During the vacation I could not throw off the
conviction that had seized hold of my mind, that God in his mercy
had spared my life, and permitted me to enjoy this last privilege.
At the commencement of the Fall term as usual, we all assembled on
Sunday morning—the professors in the Hall above, while the unconverted
were in the Hall below—to hear the Scriptures explained.
Miss. Sleeper, one of the teachers, that assembled with us,
came directly to me after the exercises were over and asked me if
I felt as I did during the last term. I told her no. She said she
was very glad of it and hoped I should not leave off seeking until I
found the Savior. I felt that I had committed myself, that I now
could not draw back, that I must persevere on and let the world
know that I needed a Saviour to save me from acting out the wicked
state of my heart. I could not throw it off. On Monday evening
all the unconverted were invited by our much loved teacher,
Miss. Haseltine, to meet her at the Hall. Accordingly I went in
company with several other young ladies. After reading the Scriptures
and addressing us very affectionately, she asked us to kneel
down and join her in prayer. Accordingly I did so, but I thought
I was more hardened than ever; and felt ashamed that I was on my
bended knees; but wishing to act from principle and to prove whether
there was any reality in what my teacher said about religion, I
was determined to persevere on, although it was contrary to my carnal
state of heart. Accordingly I told every one that I meant to
know the real religion of Jesus Christ and live up to it, if it was
what they said it was. I attended all the meetings and was willing
to do any thing that I thought I ought to do; but I began to think
that I had grieved the Holy Spirit and was about giving up seeking
any longer until I should feel, as very often I did before in meetings
and then I should have religion. This was on Saturday, a fortnight
after I was willing to own that I felt the need of an interest
in Christ. On my way home from school, a young lady overtook
me and inquired what was the state of my feelings, I frankly told
her what was my conclusion. She then told me how she found the
Saviour—how she sought three years; but all that time she said she
was seeking conviction when she ought to have sought forgiveness
and told me that I must seek for immediate forgiveness, and asked
me if I was willing to. I told her that I would, for I found that I
had been seeking conviction and was already convicted. Accordingly
I went home, and after dinner took my Bible and retired alone
to a grove not far distant, where I spent the afternoon in reading
and praying, but did not find any change in my feelings. I was
summonds to tea by the ringing of the bell. I went in and took my
seat at the table, but while sitting there I thought I was acting foolishly,
that I ought not to eat, drink, or sleep, until I found forgivness.
I rose from the table and retired to my room and knelt down
and asked God what I should do in order to be forgiven; then rose
up and was sitting down by the table with my head upon my hand
wondering what I should do, when something seemed to say to me,
"open the door of your heart and admit me." I immediately thought
I could not without I was better, but something said "no, now." I
thought the next day being Sunday, I would, after I had been to
church; but no, the voice said now—that I said I would. If Christ
would but receive me, I would him just as I was. I thought I would.
I rose and walked across the room, and was frightened to think
what I had said; that I had entered into a covenant with God. At
that time a young lady, Mary Ann Burbank, entered the room and
asked me if I was going to meeting, as it was customary to have a
female prayer meeting at the hall on Saturday evening. I told her
yes. She said it was too late. I told her I was going, (I thought
if they were just coming out I would go.) I put on my things, and
she said she would go with me. Accordingly we went out of the
house together and said nothing to each other. I thought of nothing
in particular; but as we were walking and had got a rod or two
from the house, I thought how fast I was walking, and how earnest
I was to get there. I spoke to Miss Burbank and said that I never
went to a place with so much eagerness in my life. She asked me
if I felt better. I told her that I never was so happy in my life.
She said she was glad; she had been recently baptized. I had before
not liked her very well, but now I loved her with all my heart,
because she had owned the Savior before the world. I immediately
thought of the balls and parties that I had been to, and it seemed
nothing to what it would be to get into a prayer meeting. It seemed
that the Bible I had never read and that I knew nothing about
it and when I tried to think of it the passages flowed into my mind
faster than I could repeat; the first passage I thought of was the
Greeks foolishness to the Jews, but to them that believe Christ the
power of God unto salvation, and many others. It seemed that I
stepped out of one world into another. I went into the hall and
they were singing, and then they knelt down and prayed. A young
lady prayed for me, seeing me on my knees. I longed to have her
close her prayer to tell them what God had done for me. As we
rose I opened my mouth and words flowed faster than I could speak,
I blessed and praised God and asked them all to forgive me for the
opposition that I had manifested towards them for their entreating
me to be reconciled to God. There was great rejoicing over me.
Some wept, some prayed, and some sang. It was a happy time.
Some that were seeking seeing me so happy said they were determined
to find the Savior that night and two young ladies that
boarded with me did, to the joy of their souls. I felt that I had
a new life to live and was determined to live it. I loved all the people
of God, and my feelings soon began to be tried by seeing the
divisions that were among them; but I was determined not to have
any thing to do with it, but meant to keep the faith as it was once
delivered to the Saints, that is, to keep the love previous to my conversion.
I had always thought that immersion was right, and still
thought so; but still I loved to hear sinners called to repentance,
and to join in prayer with any one that told how Christ saved them
daily from sinning. I felt that I must own the Savior in all my
ways and words, for it was what I loved, and I hated the sin that
was in my heart and often cried out, O wretched person that I am,
who shall deliver me from this body of sin and death. I longed to
be freed from sin. I soon began to think of becoming a missionary,
that is, to go to the far distant heathen who had never heard of
the Gospel. I asked God what I should do. I was determined
to do what God gave me to do at the expense of my life, for I counted
not my life dear unto me, and soon the spirit led me in prayer
for my parents, but how could they be converted without the way
of salvation was explained to them? They did not attend public
worship; they believed that they should be saved when they should
die; but I had found a Saviour that saved me here from sinning,
for the love of God constrained me to lay down all earthly enjoyments
when they came in contact with any thing that I must do
for Christ. I thought I would go to them and tell them, thinking
they would believe me. Accordingly on my return from school I
visited my parents, but not until the Spring, on fast day, with my
youngest brother. We passed the day very agreeably. I told them
that I had met with a change, but said but little, as I did not wish
to argue the point, for they were both against me and said they
thought I had got my brain turned by studying too much. But I
knew I must bear this and greater things if I wished to do my
heavenly Father's will, which was my meat and drink. I left home
without praying for them, which I felt condemned for. I resolved
if God would spare my life to go home again I would bear the cross
of Christ. During the winter my mind had been much tried about
the two ordinances; and what to do, I did not know, for I wished
to give a reasonable answer why I went with one class of God's people
more than another. I boarded with a Mr Washburn, a very pious
man belonging to the First Congregational church in Lowell.—I
said nothing to him about forms and ceremonies, nor he to me;
but I came to the conclusion to be an immersed Congregationalist,
because they admitted all to the communion that had professed the
Savior before the world. I concluded to return to school, and called
upon Mrs Tilton, one of my acquiantance that belonged to the
Baptist Church. She asked me why I had not been in to see her,
and she thought my mind had been tried about baptism. I told
her not in the least, for I always thought immersion was right but
my mind was tried about the communion—why all the people of
God could not come together. She said that she had a little book
she would lend me to read. I took it and went home and read it;
it was upon Church and Christian fellowship. I thought it explained
it to my mind and told her I was thankful for it; but as I was to
start for New Hampton the next day could not be baptized there.
I arrived at New Hampton the second week in May, 1835, and met
once more my much loved teachers. During the Summer term my
mind was much taken up with my studies, and the religious state
of feeling was very low. There were no conversions during this
term. At the commencement of the Fall term our teacher addressed
us upon the subject and hoped that each one would do something
to win sinners to Christ. All felt it, and again God poured
out his Holy Spirit and sinners were slain; my health was poor and
I was about leaving school on account of my limited means. My
teacher asked me if I was not going to be baptized before I left
school, together with some other young ladies. I had always
thought I was willing, should the opportunity be presented. Here
I had a trial, but went forward with some others, determined never
to disobey God of keeping his commandments or doing whatever
the love of God constrained me to do, however crossing it was to
my carnal feelings. I returned to Lowell and resumed my labor,
still feeling determined to procure an education to go to the poor
heathen to carry the news of salvation; but my means became limited
and I was obliged to use prudence in reference to my dress and
spending my time. My oldest sister proposed to have me come
and work with her at the tailoress business in Boston, and this sister
I had ardently loved and looked up to for advice. But I was
making very good wages at that time and thought it not best
for me to go then; although I wanted a trade to help me along in
case I should go among the poor and destitute. But as my sister
Nancy's health was not good at that time I proposed for her to go
to Boston and I would come in the Fall or early in the Winter,
which was agreed to. I concluded to go to work with my sister
until the slack time should come on in the Winter, and then I
thought I should go to Charlestown Seminary to finish my education,
as we were all to board ourselves. Accordingly I left the
mill again and when I got to my sister's they were just on the point
of separating. I stepped in between and proposed to reconcile
matters for we all belonged to the Baptist Church, and for own
character and the cause of Christ I thought it best to keep together.
But it was not possible, we could not agree, though sister Mary
and I had never before disagreed, and probably never should had
it not been for sister Nancy. It was a sore trial to me and I often
thought that my last earthly friend was taken from me. I had loved
sister Mary until it had become a sin in the sight of a holy God,
that I had been governed about my spiritual life by her in part, and
that He saw fit to seperate us. Through the invitation of my
brother Eben's wife I went to stay with her and had regular pay
lest there should be any room for unpleasant feelings, I spent the
winter with her at Jamaica Plain very happy, but I began to think
that I was not living as I ought to; that I could be the means of
doing more good by working in the mill and getting more money
for the cause of Christ and come in contact with more minds to pursuade
them to become reconciled to God. But again I was tried
about pursuing an education, not having means to do with. What
to do I did not know, and at times was almost tempted to ask assistance
of my brothers, but for fear of being refused I dared not, for
they never seemed to take any interest in the welfare of their sisters.
My oldest sister was often sick and was not helped by them:
therefore I was determined to do what I could without asking help.
I left my brother's in June 1836, not decided what to do. Aware
that in some branches I was not qualified sufficiently to take a young
ladies' school, I went home not decided what to do, but thought I
would go with a young lady that I was acquainted with in Westford
under private instruction, and accordingly went and stayed with her
till Fall. A new Precepter was about opening the Academy in
Westford, and I resolved to go the Winter term, and accordingly
provided myself with a boarding place at Mr Niehols, where I found
it very pleasant. They were both pious and I became very much
attached to Mrs N. and found the school very pleasant for the
branches that I wished to pursue; but on account of a change in
this family I was under the necessity of getting another boarding
place; then I went to a Mr George Davis' where I had always been
acquainted, and found every thing pleasant and was happy. But
my health began to fail me, being troubled with the Ticdoloreux.
Not having the means to continue any longer at school, so
poor was my health at that time, I began to think of returning to
Lowell; but about this time a book was circulating, relative to the
day of Judgment being near at hand. I obtained it and read it, and
found that it was nothing but explaining the Scriptures according
to my view in a historical manner, or the preaching the Gospel in
its purity. I felt prepared to meet Christ, but was often asked what
I thought of it? I told them it was a sweet subject to me, for I
longed to be with him who had loved me and given himself for me
and was willing to do all for Him while I stayed upon the earth
and did not know how I could alter my life if it was true, for if I
was not prepared I should prepare myself. But I had already given
my heart to the Lord and was trying to live to his honor and
glory. The subject was very much agitated in Westford. I soon
left and went to Lowell, and tried to obtain a book, but could not,
and no one seemed to know any thing about it. I went into the
factory to work, but soon an old acquaintance, Nancy Sanborn,
come to see me. She had always anticipated going off to teach.
We proposed opening a school in Lowell for young ladies, but my
health was not good and I had nothing to do with, and something
seemed to say to me, what you do, do quickly, for the end of all
things is just at hand. I went to God in prayer to ask Him what
to do. I listened to the Saviour's voice which constrained me to
win souls to Christ by living out my religion around me by the way
of the spirit and not of learning; but at that time God had suffered
me to be carried away into Babylon and become a worshipper of the
God of learning. My friend, Nancy Sanborn left me and returned
home and I concluded to live in the factory for every plan that I
laid seemed to be thwarted. I often had something given to me to
do by God which I found was contrary to my carnal feelings. I
boarded at this time with a Mrs King, on the Boot corporation.—My
sister Nancy wanted to come and board with me. We never
had agreed from little children, and twice I had left the mill on her
account and my boarding house, and as I always thought if it had
not been for her I and my sister M. never would have disagreed.
But I thought if it was in me I would conquer it at the expense of
the last feeling I had in me; but here was another firey trial of my
faith. I ever carried all my actions before the judgment seat of
Christ. I felt I was not my own, I was bought with a price—the
precious blood of the Lamb. My object was to get money to go to
the West as a teacher to win souls to Christ. My sister was taken
sick and I staid out of the mill to take care of her. I was at this
time tending double work. When the physician called upon her we
were drawn in conversation about people in general taking too
much medicine. I was innocent about giving any offence. I took
the directions about my sister's medicine, and after the Doctor had
left the house spoke about her taking it. She said she should not
take it and did not wish me to do any thing for her; but would say
no more. I told her that it was foolish for me to stay out of the
mill if she would not let me take care of her, and began to reason
the case; but could not prevail upon her and feared that we should
again fall out. I endeavored to keep my feelings under and try to
do for her whether she would let me or not; but it did no good.
My acquaintance was a circle of young ladies of respectability and
we had prayer meetings and I had been very forward in them—I
had had an evening school and opened it with prayer. To have a
falling out with my sister would hurt the casuse of Christ, which
was dearer to me than my life. I keep it to myself and tried to get
along, for when there is difficulty there is blame on both sides; but
it kindled to a flame, yet I said but little about it. But I counted
it all joy, for it humbled me, for my earthly character was like the
apple of my eye to me, and I came to the conclusion that it was
better to board apart. I therefore determined to change my boarding
place, and say nothing about it to any one. I went to Boston
on a visit and engaged my boarding place before I went, at Mrs
Lufkin's, a member of the first Baptist Church in Lowell. On my
visit to Boston I met with a young lady at my brother's by the name
of Caroline Dammers, that was out of employment, and had been for
some time. I was informed that she was in a destitute situation
and professed to be a follower of the Lamb. I proposed for her to
come up to Lowell, and she would find employment there of some
kind, thinking it was not right for any one to live so, for it was not
setting a good example; and as she had no one to do for her, my religion
led me to do all that I could for the friendless, feeling myself
a stranger and a pilgrim here below. Accordingly on my return
she came and I soon found her a situation, and she being an orphan
I thought I could help her, for pure religion is doing good
for the widow and the orphan. I boarded at Mrs Lufkin's until
warm weather and Caroline Dammers boarded with me and worked
on the Suffolk. It being too far for her to walk in warm weather
I proposed to change my boarding place to make it nearer for her.
Mr Lufkin's sister was about opening a boarding house on the
Boot corporation. I had become somewhat acquainted with her at
her brother's and liked her very much while her brother's folks
went on a visit to their friends. Here was the only time that ever I
was sick or needed any medical assistance. My stomach was a little
nauseated and I sent for Dr Wheelock Graves and he gave me
an emetic: afterwards I called upon him once and got a receipe for
a cough and paid him; this was in the summer of 1840. My health
was always delicate, but I was very careful what I did; very seldom
went out evenings, not so much as to an evening meeting
or to expose myself to the evening air in any way, hoping that
at some future period I should be so situated as to be able to live
more devoted to the blessed cause of Christ; but I endeavored to
show piety at home. I had embraced the views that the day of
judgment was near at hand and I felt to double my diligence to obtain
the means to spread the Gospel. I loved God and the people
of God, for where sin abounded grace much more abounded, I felt
a desire that God would pour out his holy spirit and that sinners
might be converted, and began to call upon the Lord and to my
surprise I found myself in a back-slidden state; that I had lost the
liberty whereby Christ had made me free.
How I got back there I did not know, but the way I found the Savior
was by owning him before the world and I knew the only way was to
go and sow to the spirit. I began to ask the Lord what he would have
me to do, and thing after thing was given me, but was accused of believing
in Miller's doctrine, as it is called. I found that it was about
to bring upon me reproach and I denied it and then I was troubled. I
could not rest day nor night, and I felt that I was not prepared to meet
Him, and I bowed myself before the Lord and asked the Lord what He
would have me to do; and soon I was sent with message after message
to the people of God where it was my usual custom to assemble, as it
was the privilege of the females to give a word of exhortation. Said
nothing to any one, but was determined to do what the Lord bid me,
and to walk in the Lord. My mind was unbiased by the errors in theology,
or any creeds or doctrine of men. All I knew was the simple
religion of Jesus Christ, and the Bible was my guide. I must obey God
and keep his commandments. At this time the subject of the union of
christians was much agitated; the divisions of them had been a source
of grief to me ever since I was converted, and the union of them was
something sweet if there was any ground on which they could be united.
Elder Holly was lecturing at this time upon it and showed by the
Bible the ground on which they could be united. I asked the Lord
what he would have me to do, and went to the Bible for instruction.
In Revelations it says that whoever takes from the sayings of the prophecy
of that book his part shall be taken out of the holy city, &c. Rev.
12 chap. 18th, 19th verses, I found that articles of faith both took from
and added there unto and already I felt the plagues upon me. I cried
unto the Lord, for I could say with David, the pangs of hell got hold
of me and death encompassed me round about. I called upon the Lord
and he heard me out of His Holy habitation. I told no one of my situation
for I thought it was the Lord that was dealing with me and had got
to have a trial of my faith, I felt that I was willing to die a martyr
rather than to deny Jesus Christ before the world. It was the last Idol
I held in my heart I must give up. It was my earthly character; I
must go without the camp and bear reproach for Christ. I went to see
my minister, and told him how the Lord was dealing with me. I told
him how the Lord had shown me that articles of faith were a sin by the
Bible and that I did not want any thing to do with pursuasions. I wanted
to keep God's commandments, for I hated the very garment that
was spotted with the flesh; I would have my name taken off the church
books, but not off his heart, for I loved the people of God. I wanted
to go to the communion table and still held to the ordinance of baptism;
but I wanted to get out of sin. He said if I did not walk with
the church in peace, he must excommunicate me. I asked her forgivness
if I had said anything that had injured his feelings, for I only
wanted to get out of sin and I must work out my own salvation with
fear and trembling. He then told me if I did not come back into the
bosom of the true church he would excommunicate me and that would
ruin my reputation. I told him that I was willing to die if I could but
win souls to Christ; but I hated sin, and therefore he must do as he
thought best, as it was not flesh and blood that I had any thing to do
with, neither were weapons carnal. This was at his house, I think in
the month of June. I bid him a good morning and on my way home I felt
to bless and praise God. On the next Sabbath I attended church at Elder
Cole's, the Christian denomination. The word of the Lord was
sweet to me, as it was now I wanted the word of the Lord to support
me and to comfort me. I wanted to hear nothing but the sweets of redeeming
love. In three weeks I went to see Mr Porter, he being my
minister. I was excommunicated; but it brought me out in a happy
state. I continued my labor, which was tending three looms; but often
spoke of what the Lord had done for me and how plain the Bible
was to me. I attended a meeting held at Groton on the union of
christians, to hear what was to be said. It was there where I received
the baptism of the Holy Ghost, as previous to this I had been baptized
with fire in coming out of the Baptist church: for as I received Christ
so I walked in him, which was walking in the love; for cursed is
he that doeth the work of the Lord deceitfully, after the manner
they called heresy. So worship I the God of my Fathers. I often
spoke of my spiritual life, and many observed that they never
saw any one enjoy so much. I continued my labor and attended
the appointed meetings with my own people that worshipped God
according to my views, and I was received by them and went with
no others, for the people of God should be peace makers and let
every one worship God after their own way. There arose violent
persecutions against me, but as my forerunner had suffered before
me, so must I suffer. I often thought that I would give up my
business and labor entirely for the Lord; and then I thought what
should I do for a home? I felt the want of one, and my youngest
brother had been sick and I thought he might be embarrassed in
his circumstances, and if I helped him in temporal things he would
hear me in spiritual; and I was very anxious to help him, as he
had done much for our parents when he was quite young, while
my older brothers who were quite wealthy, did not help them,
comparatively speaking. I had done much for this brother, feeling
anxious to see him get along in the world, and therefore I was
diligent to my labors. But I began to feel that I could not work
any longer at present. The week before I was carried to the hospital
I thought I would go to my minister and tell him my situation.
I went to his house, but he was not at home. I then went and
conversed with brother Fiske who was knowing to my persecutions,
and he advised me to go and see Elder Cole. I told him he
was not at home, and I knew not what to do. I still continued my
work and did not go home; it was not the place for me, as my parents
were not spiritual minded, and in my weak state I felt I could
not bear opposition, and I hated sin so I could not contend, for a
child of contention is a child of hell. On Sunday morning, Nov.
22d, 1840, while I was conversing with a very pious lady that slept
with me about how God had dealt with me, and how I had disobeyed
the spirit, being often called upon to speak, how awful it would
be to be cast off from the Lord, I told her that I was bound in the
spirit, and asked her if I kept the commandments of God if he
would cast me off? She said no. But here was the first of my
weakness that gave place for satan to arrange his host to take me.
Why I gave up to such weakness I know not, nor can I account
for it, except I had overdone myself. There was no distress of
mind, and if there was, it was no reason why I should not have
been treated with common humanity, for I offered no insult to any
one, or treated any one ill. I only spoke of my own situation and
asked them to do for me and not let me do wickedly. Miss Elza
Lufkin came into the room, the lady whom I boarded with, and
asked me what was the matter. I began to talk to her about my
situation and to tell her how good religion was, and asked her to
have it. Upon that she said many unkind things to me. I saw
that she was angry with me. Why she should treat me so I did
not know, for I had been very careful to observe all regulations
and rules of her house, and never spoke about temporal things, to
find fault. She had opposed me in attending my appointed meetings,
and thought that I might go to a meeting that was nearer;
but I thought it was not right to go to any other than where I was
received by relating my experience, and that I ought to be my own
judge. But the way of the Lord is contrary to the natural state
of the heart. Since I came out of the hospital Miss Lufkin has
told me that she was never so angry in her life as she was with me.
If my religion had displeased her she ought to have told me so
when I was well, and I would have found another place, and not
waited until I was in a weak state and then take the advantage of
my weakness. My sister Nancy came in to see me and began to
scold me. I told her it was very wicked, she was not where she
ought to be, or she could not do so. I arose and dressed myself
and asked not to have any one of the unconverted come into my
room. I sent for Elder Cole, but he not knowing my situation,
sent word that it was not convenient. Brother James came in to
see me and asked me to go home. I thought it was not best in my
weak state, for I felt that I had no home, as I was violently opposed
by my parents. I felt unwilling to leave my work, as I was
tending three looms, and had calculated to make out a certain sum
of money by the first of February, for my brother James. I asked
my sister to go and get me some assafoetida pills, I took three
of them and went to bed and slept sound all night. In the morning
I told my sister, who slept with me, I should not go in to work.
She then began to scold, and shook me with anger, because I did
not wish to rise. Then I asked her to let me alone, and told her
it was very wicked. At that time Miss Lufkin came into the room
and told her to let me alone, upon that she did, and began to prepare
to go to her work. I asked her not to come back, for I did
not want her with me. I thought she was not a proper person to
be with me, as she did not understand my spiritual life. I went
down and took my breakfast and returned up stairs to avoid my
sister's saying anything.
Soon my sister returned and I asked her to send for my minister.
She said I should not see him nor any one of those people.
I began to reason with her, and asked her why I could not see
my own minister, and if I had not a right to choose my own people
to worship God with; but I could not prevail upon her. I asked
to see my brother James, but this request was not granted. I
perceived my weakness was increasing and I thought the people
of God ought to do for me. This was on Monday. About 4 o'clock
in the afternoon Dr. Wheelock Graves came in to see me,
and sat about ten minutes and conversed mostly with my sister
about Mr. Miller, saying that he ought to be horsewhipped or put
in prison. I concluded that my brother and sister had been telling
him that I was one of his converts, although my sister professes
to be washed by the blood of the Lamb. The Doctor felt of my
pulse. I told him he did not understand my situation. He prescribed
nothing for me and left the room, my sister sat sewing and
did nothing for me. At night after the girls came out of the mill
there was a great rush into my room, which increased my excitement.
My room was full, some saying one thing, some another,
while others were laughing. I asked Esther Richer, who stood
laughing, to go out, as she had opposed me much about attending
meeting among the Christian denomination. Upon that a good
sister in Christ by the name of Townsend, said she thought there
were too many in my room, and then they all left me alone with
my sister. I thought I had hindered her some by her taking her
work home from the shop, and I offered to sew for her. She took
the work out of my hand and told me to go to bed. My sister slept
with me. I spoke to her in the night, and she scolded me for it.
As soon as I heard Miss Lufkin up in the morning I went to the
door and asked her to take care of me and not let me do wickedly
for my sister was unkind to me. I felt the want of a kind friend.
She said she would, and made a fire in my room. I thought that
I would give the world for a kind friend to take me and do for me.
Again I plead to see Elder Cole, my minister, or some one of the
church. She said it was all in vain for me to say anything about
it. About noon Elder Cole came down to see me, hearing of my
situation. He talked kindly to me; thought I had worked too
hard and over exerted myself, and told me to take some valerian
tea, said he would send Dr. Sprague to see me. Miss Lufkin said
she thought Dr. Graves would tend me. I told them I did not
wish Dr. Graves, for he knew nothing about me nor spirituality.
I wanted Dr. Sprague, as he was knowing to my persecutions,
and his wife was a dear sister to me in Christ Jesus. He had
been down to see me, but was not admitted. I told Elder Cole I
would do just as he told me. My sister had asked me if she should
send for brother Stephen? I told her no, for I did not wish him
to know any thing about me, for he had so cruelly treated me,
which before this I had kept to myself. Likewise his wife had
manifested the greatest hatred towards the present day reform of
preparing to meet Christ, and warning others to be also ready,
although she belongs to a congregational church. But I had endeavored
to keep the faith with her as with every one that professes
to be a follower of the Lamb. My sister took the advantage
of my weakness, and unknown to me, sent for brother Stephen to
come and get me. This brother resides in Boston. This was the
third day from leaving my work; there had been nothing done for
me, although I have since learned that many of my associates called
and offered to do for me, but were not permitted. What kind
of treatment is this in this Gospel land of light and liberty? The
spirit of the vilest persecutions began to be raised against me in
that house, and now was a favorable opportunity for it to be completed.
About 4 o'clock brother Stephen came in and asked me
to go down and spend Thanksgiving with them, as he was up on
business, and asked Nancy and brother James likewise. We all
concluded to go; but I hesitated some, for I never had gone any
where after I had met with a change of heart, without going to do
God service, for I felt that I was not my own; I was bought with
a price, the precious blood of the Lamb. Brother Stephen said
he would be there in half an hour. I went and prepared myself;
took what work I thought I should want on a visit, and was sitting
in my room when my brother Stephen and Dr. Graves came in.—The
Doctor asked me if I was going on a visit with my brother?—I
told him yes. They both went down stairs together into the
front room, and I went down and took my leave of the family.—Little
did I think that Dr. Graves was called in to give a line to
have me carried into an Insane Hospital—a poor girl that he knew
nothing about, nor the peculiar circumstances of the family, that
had always raised a report against me that I was deranged ever
since I went to New Hampton to school, because it was there that
I met with a change.
I have been particular in speaking of the manner of my life after
I met with a change, but to describe all that I lived up under,
would be more than I can write at this time. But truly I felt I had
come up out of great tribulation, and was washed in the blood of
the Lamb. I had attained unto the power of Christ's resurrection,
my mind being unbiassed by any creed or doctrine of men. When
I was converted I knew nothing but Jesus and him Crucified.
I arrived at my brother's that night about 7 o'clock. I met his
wife as usual. After tea I retired to a room with my brother's
wife, telling her of my persecutions, and how God had revealed
himself to me. She said she thought it was wisdom in God not to
reveal his glory to us while here in the body. She had felt so
much the glory of God in her own soul that she had been almost
overpowered. She thought that God had nothing more for me to
do. What does such language imply? Is there a person this
side of the grave for whom God has nothing more to do? But I
did not know then that man had the knowledge to take the holy
spirit from a person by giving them medicine; but she had already
conceived the wicked deed in her heart, and knew where the awful
crime could be done, and her very language expressed what
she knew was about to be done to me, although I did not then
suspect any evil. Had it been said to me in any other place but
a brother's house, and by a female, I should have suspected I was
about to be murdered, or some other brutal outrage committed upon
me. If I had been among the rude barbarians I should not
have been so easily deceived; but I looked up to a sister to do for
me, and asked her to let me stay with her, and I would sew or do
any thing for her; but she appeared to be very angry with me every
time that I spoke about what God had done for me. I said but
little to any one when I retired, for sister Nancy and Sophia, brother
Stephen's wife, went with me into my room. In my usual
manner before I laid my head upon my pillow, I knelt by my bed
and silently offered my prayer to God. My sister Nancy said
"see that," and Sophia answered "I am sorry to see it." I said
nothing, but thought it very strange that in this christian land any
one should be sorry to see another on their bended knees before
an holy God, and especially one that knew me so well as a sister.
I slept sound all knight, and felt much refreshed in the morning,
and happy that I had got away from a house where I had been so
persecuted. How little did I know where I was to be carried, and
what was about to be done to me. O, THAT A DAGGER HAD BEEN
PLUNGED INTO MY HEART IN THE MIDNIGHT HOUR, for what I have
suffered here is beyond the power of language to describe. And
then every source of happiness is taken from me here and hereafter,
to be forever tormented in fire. It may be looked upon as
derangement or delusion, but as true as there is a God that sitteth
upon his eternal throne, so true this awful crime has been done to
me; and let any one reasonably look upon the treatment that I received,
it will show it was nothing but a spirit of the vilest persecution.
But my wicked relations that hated me without a cause are
screened from the law of our country, and in part from public censure,
together with the Doctors; and it may be thrown back upon
me that I am a poor deranged person; but God only knows the
distress that my body is every moment in, and then that I never
can be relieved. Wednesday, the 24th, I passed as I usually did
while on a visit to my brother's, not suspecting that they were
looking upon me as a deranged person, and above all, knowing
that horrid crime could be done to me and plunge me into everlasting
misery, a poor innocent, unprotected sister, that had toiled
late and early to get along. Thursday, 25th Nov., Thanksgiving
day of 1840, I arose, took breakfast, and found brother Stephen's
wife in bed with the sick head-ache. The girls all seemed to be
engaged, and I, of course, in my way to do for the sick wherever
I was, waited upon her. Brother Eben, wife and children had
come in to pass the day, from Jamaica Plain. I began to play
with them, as I always did; but I observed they did not greet me
with that affectionate liveliness they were accustomed to. I took
no notice of it to let them know it. About 10 o'clock, while I sat
at my work in the parlour, my brother Stephen came in and asked
me to go to a ride with him. This surprised me, as our brothers
were never very attentive to their sisters; but I thought he
pitied me on account of my troubles, knowing the life that I had
tried to live. I told him I did not care about going to ride, as it
was not my health, but my spiritual life which he did not understand,
and asked him to let me stay with Sophia, and I would sew
or do any thing for them; he said he wanted me to go and see a
physician. I told him it was not a physician that I wished to see,
I should rather see some minister, who would better understand
my situation. He said I should not see any one. I then asked
him to let me see Mr. Winslow, his own minister, as I always liked
him very much, as he is a very spiritual minded man. He said
no, I should not see him. He said the Doctor was a pious man.
I asked what church he belonged to; he answered Mr. Winslow's.
I then said, well, I will go and see him, thinking it would do no
harm. Upon that, he said with a great degree of triumphant feeling,
that's the place for such ones as you are. Could a brother embue
his hands in the blood of a sister's eternal life, to take the advantage
of her weakness, put her under locks and keys, and hire
men to do the awful crime; and is there such a house where this
crime can be done and tolerated, by the public upholding men that
are willing to be hired to do the greatest of all crimes, and poor
beings cannot help themselves, nor any kind friend get to them to
protect them? Is this done in this free and happy land? Because
I differed from some of my family in my religious opinion must I
be taken and imprisoned? But if that was all, I would not notice
it any more than I ever did all their previous unkind treatment.—I
had always done for myself from the time that I was in my 15th
year, and received no assistance from any one of the family, and
had endeavored to support a good character, although I was called
to walk in the humble walks of life, and had often met with the
cold neglect of the rich and popular class of the world because I
was a poor factory girl. My brothers had never offered to do for
me or to help me along. Each one of us had to do for ourselves;
but they might have treated me with common humanity. I never
thought labor dishonored any one, but while I was on a visit to
see my brother Stephen, his wife requested me not to let any one
know that I worked in a factory, which made me very unhappy;
and because I went to Great Falls to work in the factory, brother
Stephen sent my things in a fictitious name, not wishing any one
to know that he had a sister that worked in the factory, which
caused me to be suspected of being a loose character. I was only
in my 19th year, and a stranger to every one in the place.—God
only knows what I had to live up under. But I said nothing
to any one about it, only to my oldest sister, Mary, as all my
troubles I confided in her; but to return to my subject. Soon as
my brother left the room, I went into Sophia's room and told her
what my brother had said. She again said she thought God had
nothing more for me to do; but what she meant I did not know.—After
dinner, brother Stephen came into the room and said, now
Elizabeth we will have that ride that we spoke of. I went and
prepared myself, but again I went and talked with Sophia, I told
her it would do no good to go and see a physician, for they knew
nothing about spirituality, and it would injure the cause of God.
She said, O no, God has nothing more for you to do; get your
health and I will come and see you in two or three days. I was not
expecting to stop, but would go and see the Doctor because I
could not contend any more. After I got into the chaise with my
brother, I began to reason with him upon the foolishness of going
to see a physician. He said it was a young ladies' boarding place
and the Doctor was a pious man, and I could have any thing that
I wanted. I told him I thought it very foolish to throw away so
much money, as our parents were poor. Better do good with it,
for I knew what the world was; they cared for nothing if they
could but get money, and I did not wish to be among strangers.
He would not harken to what I said, but said he was willing to pay
my board three or six months, or longer, and that's the place for
such ones as I was. If I had been a disturber of the peace of any
community or family, well he might have said so; but then we have
laws in this country, by which a person may be tried, and made to
suffer the penalty of the law they break. I was non-resistant. I
said every thing that I could say. After we arrived there I was
introduced to Dr. Bell, in his parlour. He asked me to relate my
christian experience. (I wish the reader to mark the manner in
which the doctor addressed me, for what has a physician to do
with a person's christian experience?) In my usual manner I
asked him if he had a change of heart? He said yes, to avoid an
argument, I told him I never argued or disputed about religion.
He said then he had not what the world called a change. I told
him then he must excuse me from saying any thing about my
christian experience, as he would not understand it. My brother
began to urge me together with the Doctor. I did not know why
I must relate my christian experience to a Doctor and an unconverted
man at such a time, for it seemed to me like mockery. I
refused again and again, but, no, I must relate it. Being no longer
able to withstand these entreaties I told what God had done for me
to that time. Spoke of being bound in the spirit and I felt a bondage
of soul. He said he could give me something to relieve that
bondage of soul and being bound in the spirit. I told him I should
rather be with my own folks and I should rather not stop. Upon
that my brother and the Doctor both began to urge me vehemently
and said I had no respect to any one's judgment. I had always
provided for myself, and why I should be so urged to stay at a
boarding place when I did not wish to, I did not know; and I told
the Doctor I did not know what he had to do with my soul. But
they both said so much I told them I would stay, as every thing in
the room indicated respectability. They went out of the room,
and while they were gone I thought it was no place for me, thinking
it was a ladies' boarding place among the popular class, and
was not the place for a christian in such a weak state. I went
out and asked my brother to take me back with him. He seemed
to be so angry with me he could hardly control his feeling. He
put his hand upon my shoulder and gave me a push, and said he
could not carry me back, but would come and see me the next
day; I then returned into the parlor and began to take off my things
when a tall, black eyed, masculine looking female came and took
me by the arm and asked me if she should wait upon me up stairs.
I thanked her and walked up stairs with her, thinking she was
going to show me my sleeping room. She waited upon me into a
long painted gallery with sleeping rooms on both sides, and she
left the room. There were a number of ladies sitting around in
the gallery. I went to the window to take a view of the prospect,
and the iron grate met my eye. I turned to a lady and asked her
if she would inform me what those iron grates were at the window
for. She made me no reply. I turned to another and asked her,
and she made no reply, but rose and went into her room. I asked
her pardon, I did not intend any offence, I was a stranger there.
I then went to the door to go down into the parlor where I came
out; but I found the door locked. Upon that I made the expression
"grated windows, and locked door, where am I?" Upon that,
a female stepped out of her room. I perceived she was not such
a person as I had ought to be with at that time. She took me by
waist and said they were kind folks there. I asked her where I
was, and wished to see the lady of the house, and asked her to let
me alone; but no one would give me any answer. About dark
the bell rung to call the ladies down to tea. A very modest young
lady came out of her room and asked me if she should walk with
me down to tea. I thanked her, and I was waited upon down into
a large room where there was a large table set with all kinds of
refreshments. The company presented a strange appearance, the
peculiarity of their dress, and many things did not look right. I
wondered how my brother came to place me among such creatures,
in my weak state. I drank a cup of tea and left the room,
thinking it was no place for me, for I had longsince left balls and
parties, and scenes of mirthfulness. Miss Barber, the same one
that had waited upon me up into the gallery, asked me where I was
going. I told her I wished to retire to my room. She waited on
me up into the same gallery. I went into one of the rooms and
knelt down and asked God to deliver me from that place, and to
return me to the people of God. Soon Mary Brigham, the attendant,
came into the gallery, I asked her many questions to find
out where I was, and what kind of boarders they kept there; but
she would make me no reply. I asked her if the hourly went into
Boston from there, but she made me no reply: she had the marks
of a methodist. I thought if she loved God, if I talked of the love
of God, I should draw her towards me. I told her how I loved
God, and said many things about sanctification, but she made me
no reply. I thought this was very strange treatment. I then
asked her for something to take. She said the Doctor never gave
anything under two days. I told her it was necessary, and that I
wanted some valerian tea; but she said I could not have any thing
that night, and when the bell rang nine, she said it was the hour
for the ladies to retire. I went to my room and asked Miss Brigham
if my door fastened; she said yes. I asked her for the key;
she said she locked the door and kept the key. After I had retired
she came into my room and took my clothes out. I asked her
what that was for; she said it was the rule of the house, and she
locked me in alone. I did not sleep any all night, from the excitement
of the day, and wondering what my brother should place me
with such characters for. I came to the conclusion that it was a
place where females of ill-fame boarded, with physicians to get
help in time of trouble. In the morning when Mary Brigham came
and unlocked my door, I told her I had not slept any all night.—She
said, well, that's nothing. I asked her to let me see the Doctor
as soon as possible, for I wished to return in the first hourly.
She made me no reply. I rose and went to the upper end of the
gallery and asked Miss Brigham to excuse me from going to the
table, as my dress was not adjusted, and had not brought my combs
and hair brush with me, and asked her to let me have a cup of coffee
there. She threw a hair comb into my lap and commanded me
to come to the table; upon which I adjusted my dress as soon as
possible and went to the table. Every thing presented a strange
appearance. Great tin lid pots and a wooden waiter and broken
dishes. A plate of crackers set on the end of the table where I
sat; I went to take one, and one of the ladies spoke and said they
were hers, but I might have one; I asked her to excuse me, and
took a piece of bread. After breakfast I went to go into my room,
as I had not slept any all night, and found my door locked; I went
and sat down and asked if there was any christians there, when
one lady said she was a baptist, and she knew a Mary Stone in
Boston. I told her it was my sister. I asked her to be my friend,
and she said she would, and that I might lay down in her room.
Accordingly she went into her room with me and covered me up
in her bed and shut the door; just as I had got into a sweet sleep,
Mary Brigham came in and ordered me up. I rose and asked her
to let me lay down in my room, as I had not slept any all night.—She
said the ladies were not allowed to lay down in the day time.
One of the ladies told me to ask the supervisor to let me have my
room door open. What it meant to have a supervisor in a ladies'
boarding house I knew not; but when she came in I found it was
the same one that had waited upon me into the gallery. I asked
her to be my friend, and told her she did not know how I did love
God; she said she would be my friend, but she did not want any
silly fancies. What she meant I did not know, for I did not know
there was any fancy about christianity. I asked her if I could have
a bowl of valerian tea and have my door open to lay down. She
said yes, and told Mary Brigham to open my door; just as I had
got into a sleep again, Mary Brigham and Miss Barber came and
threw off the clothes. I being weak and excited got up and asked
if my brother had come, for he said he would come and see me
the next day. I wanted to get with some one that knew me, for
such treatment as this I did not know what to make of. Miss Barber
immediately left the room and they would give me no answer.
I went to my room to lay down, but found my door locked and I
could not have the privilege of laying down again that day. About
11 o'clock Dr. Fox, the assistant physician, came in and began to
converse with me; I told him it was not my reason that was effected,
or any distress of mind, but I had undergone a cleansing or
purifying by being washed in the blood of the Lamb; that I had
tasted of the good word, and the powers of the world to come, and that
I was weak and wanted some valerian tea, or something to calm
me; he said that I must not think I was so filled with the spirit;
any minister would laugh at me. I repeated some passages of the
Scriptures to him; one was that St. Paul says, "Be ye filled with
the fullness of God." He said it was because St. Paul saw the
Lord Jesus. I told him that made no difference, all had got to go
the same way to heaven; that I stood upon the Gospel, but I never
disputed about religion. He said he would give me something to
calm and strengthen me; but nothing was brought me until night,
nor did my brother come to see me. After I had retired, Mary
Brigham came into my room and said she had got some medicine
for me. I rose up and took it, thinking it was something to do me
good. It was a pill and a little mug of mixture, and Mary Brigham
went out and locked the door; but O, alas how little did I
know where I was and what I was put into that house for. Such
a crime I never read of, and it is covered up under the garb of derangement,
and I am the poor sufferer. As soon as I took it I was
thrown into most violent pain and distress, beyond the power of
language to describe, neither can I give any one an adequate idea.
The medicine effected my brain, the back part of my head, hardened
or petrified it, and the brain is the seat of the nerves, and any
one can conceive of the distress that I must be thrown into all over
in my body, every nerve in me drawing and straining convulsively.
Sometimes I was almost drawn back double and then forward,
rolling in the bed from one side to the other in the greatest agony.
When my door was unlocked in the morning I rose. I had
wept bitterly all night. The thoughts of my situation, and for so
strange a thing as it may appear, that medicine can be given to
destroy the work of Grace in a person, even so it can be done,
and Dr. Bell and Dr. Fox both possess that knowledge of giving
medicine to accomplish this awful outrage upon Christianity; and
it is done under the garb of derangement, and they are screened
from public censure, and it is a greater crime than that they had
tortured me to death any way that I ever read of. As I come out
of my room a young lady asked me what made me weep; so I took
her hand and asked her to tell me where I was, and what kind of
people I was with. She asked me if I did not know, and I told
her no. She then told me that I was in the Insane Assylum. I
then knew that I was betrayed into the hands of the wicked to be
destroyed. I told her that the medicine that they had given me
was killing the spirit of Christ in me; and that I was lost. I began
to lose all idea of holiness. But I knew it would be covered
up under the garb of derangement, and then I recollected what
my brother Stephen's wife said, "that God had nothing more for
me to do." Of course, if any one has not the spirit of Christ, they
cannot serve God. It is not only a belief, but they must have the
spirit. Dr. Fox came in about 10 o'clock; while I was laying on
the bed he stood looking at me, with Miss Barber. My jaws were
unlocked. He made the remark to Miss Barber that he did not
know whether it was the fulfillment of the prophecy, "there shall
be knashing of the teeth," or whether it was hallooing "glory to
God," so much. Oh, how little they knew of the reason of my
losing my ballance. It was my exerting myself so much after I
had become a spiritual being, having no kind friend to do for me.
But I said nothing; I asked for the privilege of writing, which was
granted. I wrote to brother Stephen's wife, and asked her to
come and see me that afternoon, as soon as she got the letter, for
I could not believe that a female could be accessory to such a
crime, although I well recollect how angry she appeared to be
every time I spoke of what God had done for me. The Doctor
said he would send it. That day, Saturday, passed away without
bringing any one to see me. I thought of my kind christian
friends, my loved friend Nancy Sanborn; but now forever separated
from her, no more could we fondly anticipate going to the far
West together, to be the instruments, in the hands of God, of expanding
the immortal mind in knowledge, and teach the way of
salvation to poor sinners. But now taken by the cunning craftiness
of my relations, I was enclosed within bolted doors and grated
windows, where I could not make my escape, nor my friends
prevent the brutal outrage that they were committing upon me.—Reader,
for a moment imagine yourself in my situation. If you
are not a christian you do not wish to undergo pain, neither do
you desire to be miserable, nor to be separated from your friends,
with entire strangers that you never saw before, for it is contrary
to the laws that God has written in your nature. But I was a poor
factory girl, without any rich father to protect me, or pious mother
to plead my cause, and I could say with David, I was an alien
from my mother's womb, to my mother's children, and in my
weakness they sprang upon me. They would not let my christian
friends do for me, neither would they do for me themselves. I
had friends that would have gladly done for me; long and dear acquaintances,
both christians and unconverted, who would have
opened their doors to me before they would have seen me the
third day of my illness turned out of doors by Miss Lufkin, in my
weakness, because I wished to serve God in spirit and in truth,
according to my profession, and carried off into a hospital or a
devil's den here upon earth, for I call these Insane Assylums nothing
less. But it is not the imprisonment or the cruel treatment
that I received there that I speak of, for I would have borne that
without a murmur. But it is the medicine they gave me that racked
and tortured and killed the spirit of Christ within me. It is
that spirit that gives a person a hatred to sin, supports them up
under any torture. Christian reader, whatever name you may
bear, it is you and you only that can truly feel for my distressed
situation, deceived into that house in such an unlawful manner,
even if I had been deranged. I had property, and I ought to have
had a guardian appointed, and kind steps taken with me. But to
return to my subject: a table was spread, and a party, the Doctor
being one of the number, sat down to play cards. The most unqualified
language came out of their mouths. I could hear the
groans of the distressed all around me, some weeping to see their
friends, some for one thing, and some for another; and I in the
most awful distress, without one kind friend to speak to me; an involuntary
groan came with my breath. Again the medicine was
brought to me; I told the attendant it was destroying me, hardening
my brain, and taking the spirit of Christ from me; she said I
must take it. I did not know what to do, I could not help myself;
to resist I knew would not do, and yet having partly the spirit of
Christ, which is non-resistant, I took it, which increased my distress.
I was again locked into my room and left to weep and roll
in my bed all knight, thinking of my dear friends, not relations.—But
oh, they would not have dared to have done the crime out of
that house, under the pretence of insanity, to screen my wicked
relations, that have been incensed against me ever since I met
with a change of heart. Sunday morning came, and thus, in one
short week, was I brought to my sad fate, for the want of a kind
christian friend to step in between me and my cruel persecutors,
and wicked tyranical relations. This day passed away; the medicine
was brought me to take twice a day, pills and a little mug of
mixture; what it was I do not know, but I think I could tell the
different kinds that I took if I could see them. Monday, 29th,
passed away without any one coming to see me. Tuesday came,
and I again asked the privilege of writing, which was granted. I
wrote to my brother S. asked him to come and see me immediately,
as he promised. The Doctor said he would send it, but the
day passed away without any one coming. My distress became
more violent. I told the Doctors they were taking from me my
eternal happiness, by taking from me the spirit of Christ. I was
informed by one of the patients that they did not send the letters
they gave me liberty to write. I conversed with Dr. Fox about
my situation, and of the knowledge of this medicine, and why the
world did not know it. He said that my brother knew all about it
before I was brought there, and what I had got to suffer, and what
my situation would be. Reader, can you imagine what my sufferings
were? No, you cannot. If you had witnessed them you
might have then conceived of my dreadful agony. Telling of my
distress and lost condition, I was mocked and ridiculed. This
week passed away.
Sunday came again, Dec. 5. No one had come to see me. I
was left mostly alone in the gallery. The attendant and some of
the patients had gone to meeting. One of the attendants came in
and talked with me; she spoke more kind to me than any one had
since I come into the house. I told her my situation, and how I
was a poor girl, and had from the age of 15 done for myself, and
had never been sick, or any expense to the family or any other one.
She seemed to express a deal of sympathy for me. She said it was
a house of distress. I asked her how long she had been there; she
said, I think, from six to eight years. She said she wished she had
seen me when I first had been brought into that house. I then asked
her if she knew that christians could be destroyed there. She
seemed not inclined to express her mind freely to me, but said that
she had been tried much in her feelings, to see poor christians so
troubled about their religion in that house, and if their friends knew
what was best for them they would not bring them there. She desired
me to control my feelings as much as possible. If I did not, I
should be showered. I then enquired what that meant; she then
described it to me, that I should be stripped of all my clothes, and
cold water poured upon me, and I should be carried on to another
gallery, where the society would not be so pleasant, neither the accommodations
so good. I told her that my distress was so great
that it was impossible. I then asked her how she could be knowing
to such a crime and not to make it known to the world, for it
was worse than murdering a person in this life. She said she supposed
my folks knew all about it before I was brought there, but
they would not be likely to tell me, and she bid me good bye. It
seemed good to have any one speak kind to me, although I had then
nearly lost all idea of holiness. When she left me, I laid myself
down upon the floor, and wept bitterly; I then thought I would
make way with myself, for I was betrayed; my relations had at last
vented their revenge upon me, and now I was an outcast forever,
and never more could be happy. I was now separated forever from
my loved friends. I thought of a much loved friend, Phebe Weir,
who knew me before I was converted, one that I used to talk much
with about my spiritual life. O, that she could but behold me.—Soon
they returned from meeting, but to cease from weeping and
groaning, was impossible, for every nerve in me was drawing and
twinging as though they would break. Christian reader, keep in
mind that the spirit of Christ was killed in me, or I could have blessed
and praised God, amidst all this suffering. But this distress of
body was caused by the medicine given to me, to take away the
spirit of Christ. It may appear like derangement, but what I tell
you is the truth. Monday, I had endeavored to keep in my room
as much as possible, and to keep from groaning, though it come voluntary,
for I dreaded to be carried on to another gallery, exposed
and showered with cold water. But my sufferings would not cease
in this world. I could not look forward to never ending eternity
of happiness, for the idea of love had gone from me. I neither loved
God, nor this world. My body was now, as it were, dead; my
brain was becoming a mineral substance, all but my intellectual
faculties. In the afternoon, Miss Barber came in, in her masculine
manner, to all appearance to exult in human misery, and asked me
to take her arm. I knew I was going on to another gallery. I
said nothing, for it would be of no use; hearts that are so hardened
in cruelty as they must be to do such crimes, would not listen to
entreaty. Accordingly I was led on to another gallery. Here I
found perfectly deranged people, and some appeared to be in a
great deal of distress. Esther Benton, the attendant, at first, was
quite kind to me, but soon she began to show her power. She
knew well my situation, for she had seen others suffer similarly
about their religion in that house, and I was regarded as a vagabond,
as truly I am. But would I have willingly thrown myself
away? Is it not a law in nature that every body desires happiness?
But alas, for the want of a kind friend, I am lost to all happiness
here and hereafter. I cannot enjoy carnal nor spiritual things. I
stayed in this gallery about a week, when Miss Barber came in one
morning and said I must go down in the other gallery if I cried so.
I told her to carry me, for it was the place of the greatest cruelty
that I ever knew. How they could witness a poor female suffer as
I did, and to be accessory to it, I thought of all the cruelty I ever
read of I never read of any equal to this. She led me down among
perfect maniacs, in a cold, dark, cheerless room, with no seat to sit
on. Again I talked with Dr. Fox, and told him that my brother
told me it was a young ladies' boarding house, and the Doctor was
a pious man, and I expected to be taken under a Godly influence,
instead of being torn to pieces in this manner, by medicine. I
thought eternal life was of more importance than this life, and we
ought to seek the soul's salvation of each other. He said, they did
not do such things there, it was a place to get health, and he laughed
at me for coming there. I told him he might try to keep it covered
up under the garb of derangement, but I believed it would yet be
exposed, although I was the poor sufferer. He said both male and
female had suffered it before me, and would not publish it because
it would be looked upon as derangement, and no one would believe
it. I then asked him if holiness was liable to become a disease and
medical men knew it, ought they not to publish it to the world that
every thing should be done for a person first by the people of God,
before the medicine was given to them, and had such a crime ought
to go under the garb of derangement, and poor creatures suffer forever
in consequence of it. He seemed to think it was a very light
thing, and laughed at me and said I had prayed too much. This is
Dr. Fox, a member of the congregational church. Is this not worse
than any crime that ever was practised upon a poor helpless creature
in any place of wickedness upon the face of the earth. I found
the attendant, Mrs. Emerson, very kind to me uniformly, in this
gallery, and she often spoke of the cruel treatment of that house.—I
stayed in this gallery until about the 26th of Dec., when Miss
Barber came in and said that I must go to the cottage, or it might
more properly be called a stone dungeon, where there are six cells,
and some of them have a straw bed. The cell that I occupied had
one; but oh, they might have shut me up in a stone dungeon and
made me fast in the strap and buckle, and I would have praised God;
but no, I could not pray to God, my brain was like a mineral substance.
I was now enclosed in a stone dungeon, but I had a kind
attendant by the name of Sarah Brown. If I spoke of my situation
and of the sweets of redeeming love, I was mocked and laughed at
by the Doctors, and Miss Barber seemed to exult in my misery. I
often plead to see some of my relations, especially brother Stephen,
who carried me there, but my request they refused. I often spoke
to the Trustees about my situation and the manner of my life, and
how cruelly I was deceived into that house; but say what you will,
it is regarded as derangement by them. I had been in this stone
dungeon about three or four days, I come to the conclusion that I
had nothing to live for; I was in distress of body, from the crown
of my head to the sole of my foot. I was guilty of the blood of the
covenant. I now did not love God or this world. My learning was
now taken from me, that I had labored hard to acquire. My good
name, which is better than precious ointment, was now gone. I
had become an outcast of earth and heaven. My food tasteless; I
had no longer any object to pursue. I accordingly made up my
mind to take my life that night. For that purpose I tore a piece of
the sheet off. I then thought of my hard labors and striving to get
along, and my desire to set a bright example, and what had it profited
me, that in my weakness I should be taken and shut up where no
kind friend could approach to save me from the brutal outrage of
man. I expected never again to see any one that I knew upon
earth, and that while here I must be among the worst of characters.
The attendant came in and bid me good night. I thought she was
the last human being I should ever see; I had got to go into hell's
torment if I lived; and to live any longer I thought there was no
use. I laid down thinking I would wait until all was still. About
12 o'clock, I judge, I rose and walked up and down my cell, thinking
that my life had become a burden to me. I thought of my loved
companions, my loved New Hampton teachers, and that happy circle
of acquaintances, and then how cruelly the cry had been raised
about me of being insane, in order to get me shut up, where this awful
crime could be done; how cruelly Caroline Dammers had incensed
my brother Stephen aguinst me, a young lady that I had
done so much for; she had been down in the summer and talked to
my brother's folks about my being so engaged in behalf of poor sinners,
which was my meat and drink. If it was looked upon as derangement,
it was something that made me happy and it did not
lead me to do evil, but now I could not commit myself to God, neither
did I think by putting an end to my life, that I should cease
from one state of suffering and cruel tyranny. I put the string
round my neck, and attached it to a hinge of the door. I gave my
weight to the string, and began to lose all sense of feeling, the last I
knew; the first thing I knew again, I found myself laying on the
floor, in violent agony, hardly knowing anything. How long I had
laid there I know not. The sweat was pouring out of me profusely.
At first I could not move, but gradually come to. I recollected
what I had attempted to do, and felt for the string and found it had
broken, and that was the cause of my laying on the floor. I thought
I would try the second time, and made the attempt, but was so weak
that I could not manage. I began to feel a violent pain in my face,
found my chin was badly cut, and thought probably my jaw was
broken, for it hurt me to move it. I layed down and thought if it
was broken it would be less painful to have it attended to, than to
wait until morning. I called to the attendant, whose room was
in the corner of the building. She came in and asked me what was
the matter. I feigned ignorance. She said their was a great deal
of blood upon the floor, and that my chin was badly hurt. She called
Miss Barber, they examined and found it not broken; went out
and left me alone again for the night, but I was so weak that I could
not attempt my life again. The next day the mark was observed
upon my neck, and it was suspected that I had attempted to make
way with myself, and then I had the leather muff put on. But
what they could wish to keep such a miserable suffering creature
alive for, I did not know, but several of the attendants advised me
not to take my life, but try to get out and publish it to the world.—I
told them I would, for if others had published it before me, I might
have been saved from suffering here and hereafter. Although my
account was sealed with God, yet I remembered the sweets of redeeming
love, and how good it was to pray to God; but now through
the instrumentality of the wicked, in my weakness, I must suffer
forever. But the poor sons of God that have suffered this before
me, probably have taken their lives, for Dr. Fox says that he has examined
the bodies of those that have had the holy spirit taken away
from them, as I have, and says the organs are the same, only they are contracted.
I stayed in the dungeon until the month of March, weeping
and groaning my hours away. About the last of March I was
carried back from the dungeon to the gallery I left. Miss Emerson
was my attendant. The day I was carried back was very cold, and
Miss Barber ordered me to be locked up in my room, to exercise
her authority over me. Miss Emerson was a good nurse. She said
it was too cold for me to be there, coming out of such a warm room
as the dungeon was. She went and asked Miss Barber to let me
come out; but no, she must keep me locked up. Miss Emerson
came in and told me I had better lay down, for she knew the
change of air was too much for me, even if I sat out in the gallery,
by the furnace, for this gallery is a cold comfortless place. Towards
night my distress increased, till it seemed as though every
bone in me would fall apart. It seemed as though my breath would
leave my body. Miss Emerson said she has told Miss Barber how
cold I was, but she did not regard it. But I was not the only sufferer
on account of their cruel treatment. Others were suffering the
like in different ways. I stayed in this gallery till about the last of
July, weeping and rolling on the floor, in pain, not allowed to lay
on my bed, and often stripped and showered, as I was told I should
be, as a punishment for weeping, because I was in distress, and lost
to eternal happiness, and deprived of my liberty, in the hands of tyrants.
One day, while I was laying on the floor in agony, Dr. Bell
came in and said that brother James had been there. I asked him
what was the reason he did not let me see him, and he said he did
not wish to see me; he was glad I was there, and wished I had
been two years before. This added double grief, and Dr. Bell
seemed delighted to tell me of it, to tantalize me, and that he was
so completely held up in his cruelty. I told him that this brother
did not know the agony that I was in, for I did not think he could
have the heart to rejoice in my misery, and to wish I had this brutal
act done to me two years before. This brother I had done for
more or less from a child; he being the youngest, I had helped pay
his board, his tuition, bought him books and clothes, and all the
money that I had, I let him have to help him along; and could this
be the way he was rewarding me for it? In this land of liberty
where every one has a right to worship God as they please, must he
rise against me and worse than murder me, because I worshipped
God contrary to his views. He believes all will go to heaven
whether they have in them the hope of glory or not. But he has a
right to his belief. My religion would not have led me to be accessory
to his imprisonment, and more especially to have medicine
given him to rack and torture him. One day when the trustees
were there, I addressed Mr Lowell about my situation; he gave a
listening ear, when Dr. Bell stepped forward and said my physician
said that I was a fit subject for the house. I told him I had no
physician, for I never was sick but once in my life, and that was
two years ago. He said he had a line from Wheelock Graves, and
one from Elder Cole, my minister. This surprised me, that a leader
of God's people, to lead them out of sin, should give a line for a
poor girl to be carried into an Insane Assylum. He knew my case,
and had heard me tell how God had dealt with me. But I told Dr.
Bell I did not believe it, although it gave him the lie. I believed
Elder Cole to be too good a man and friend to humanity to wish to
destroy a young girl's character so much as to give a line for me to
be carried into an Insane Assylum, the third day of my leaving my
work. I asked Mr. Lowell to go and see my brother Stephen; but
it availed nothing, for they all understood the iniquity of that house.
I had not seen any one since I had been there that I ever saw before,
excepting a Miss Dutton, that I met at Elder Hime's meeting
in Boston, who was there a private attendant to a lady for a short
time. In the month of May, Catharine, brother Eben's wife, came
to see me, I told her as much as possible what I had suffered, and
how destroyed I was, and asked her why she did not tell me where
I was going, and what was to be done to me. She said she did not
know it till I was just going out of the house, but I did not believe
it, for her husband was one of the bondsmen. This brother's wife
I had loved much for her strong virtuous principles and piety. How
she could have been accessory to this treatment towards me, to
screen them from public censure, I did not know; but the deed was
done. She stopped about ten minutes, and said she would come
and see me again. But the summer passed away without one coming
to see me. I often plead with Dr. Bell to let me see some one,
but I was told that they did not wish to see me. I of course thought
they did not, for I always was despised by the whole family, for what
I did not know. But I buried it all in my own heart, looking forward
when I should be forced from this world of trouble and sorrow,
for my forerunner was a man of sorrow, and acquainted with
grief; and I must bear all things even as he bore it. I had friends
that were dear to me, and I thought I should like to see them once
more upon earth. The cruel mockery and ridicule that I had heaped
upon me there was enough to cause any female to be sick of her
life. They seemed to take delight in saying things to try me.—Miss
Barber and Dr. Fox were in the gallery together, the Doctor
stood laughing at me, for I was in violent distress and crying. He
said he thought I grew fat on it. Miss Barber said sneeringly, do
you not expect to enter the pearly gates and walk the golden streets
of the city of the New Jerusalem? I had lost all idea of holiness,
and I am utterly incapable of using good language. I thought of
what I once was, and to be brought to this low degraded state, to
suffer thus in a gospel land, grieved me.
It is the practice for physicians from other Assylums to visit
there, and see all the patients. One day there was a Dr. Ray,
with others from the Maine Assylum; Dr. Bell began to mock me
about being married, knowing that all my affections were dead,
to see what effect it would have upon me, holding my pulse at the
time, and laughing at each other. To be made a subject of mockery
before men in this obscene manner was too much, I appealed
to his benevolence to spare me this cruel mockery; spoke of female
character, and that I had done much to save females from
the stream of pollution. My feelings were overcome, and I seized
hold of a chair to save me from falling, but I was too far gone
and fell upon the floor, and then a roar of laughter was set up by
all. I went into my room and layed myself upon the bed. I
thought of the poor slave, but oh, they do not know their happiness;
gladly would I exchange situations with any one that ever
suffered from the rude barbarian; and yet it is thrown back upon
me that it is derangement, and my cruel torturers are held up and
applauded. I sent a letter to brother Eben's wife, to come; but I
received no visit from her on account of her peculiar circumstances.
I saw no one until the 22d of Dec. I had been there then
thirteen months, and had seen only brother Eben's wife. I plead
with my brother to let me go home; he said he was not willing,
but I might come out to his house after his wife's health was better.
I felt that I was such an outcast that I had no people to go
to; but that a mother must have a mother's feelings, and I knew
not who to look to in the world in my lost, ruined condition, but a
parent. My brother seemed to feel for my ruined condition, and
asked me why I did not tell what my situation was, for he knew
nothing about it only what they told him. This brother had never
opposed me in my religion, and I had always taken a very active
part in his family devotion, as his wife is a member of a congregational
church. I told him I plead with Stephen not to leave me,
not knowing that it was an Insane Assylum, or what was to be
done to me. I told him how I was deprived the privilege of writing.
He said he did not wish me treated ill, and wished me to
come out to his house. I told him I wanted to go home. He
stopped about an hour with me, and bid me good bye, and said he
would come again. This was about the 24th of Dec. I asked
Dr. Bell to let me write to my brother, stating that I would go out
to his house, for I wanted to get out of that place; he gave me a
very short answer; he said he was not willing that I should write
to my brother, or any other one. I then told him that my brother
told me I could write to him anything that I wished. He said if
my brother told me so, he was not willing; I did not rest at this,
but constantly plead with him to grant me the privilege, but could
not prevail upon him, for he said that my brother was glad I had
not accepted his invitation. Then I took the liberty of writing
without his consent, and handed it to Mr. Appleton, one of the
Trustees, requesting him to prevail on Dr. Bell to let him take that
letter to my brother, and wrote one to Mr. Appleton at the same
time, stating the reason of taking that liberty. He told me he
would talk with Dr. Bell about it. The next day I asked Dr. Bell
if he had sent my letter; he said no; I asked him the reason; he
said it was because he thought my brother would not grant my
request. In my letter I requested my brother to let me have a
change; if he thought it not proper to come to his house, to let me
go any where else. I saw no one again until March, when my
mother come to see me with brother E. I had written to have
him come and see me, and what my situation was. Little did I
think but what my parent knew of my situation when I was first
put in there. But I had been there about a year before they
knew any thing about it. She stopped about an hour. At first
she appeared to be quite affected; but my mother does not profess
spirituality, and always opposed me about my religion, and often
said, after I met with a change, that she thought I was deranged.
Of course she regarded me as a deranged person. I plead her to
stay all night with me, but she returned with my brother that night,
and said she would come on Saturday. On Saturday she came on
the gallery to see me, about two o'clock, and returned with my
brother at six; I wished her to stay all night with me, but she was
not willing. I wanted my mother to tell my brother to take me
out and let me go home with her. But I always was regarded
with a great deal of coldness, and now I was looked upon as a poor
deranged person, and therefore found but little sympathy. My
mother left me without bidding me good bye, saying that she
should see me again. Brother Eben came to see me, about four
weeks after. Still I plead with him to let me go home; but he
wanted me to come out to his house. I felt that I did not want to
go there, after he had said he was glad I did not accept his invitation.
But he has since told me he never said so, and has shewn
me a letter he wrote to me, saying that he wished me to write to
him, and to come out to his house; but Dr. Bell advised him not to
let me have the letter. On the 15th of April, brother William
came to see me, from New York. This brother I had not seen
but once for about twelve years. He was much affected to hear
of my suffering; he said it had always been represented to him
that I was a perfect deranged person. He come again the next
day and took me out. I went to brother Eben's that night, and
the next day William carried me home.