Maria did not send for Castiglione the next day, nor during a
number of days afterwards, and Giuliana Parenzo saw that she was
very much preoccupied and was not looking well. The elder woman
was far too good a friend to ask questions, and when the two were
together she did her best to amuse Maria by her talk. The Marchesa
was not particularly witty, but she sometimes told a story with
little touches of humour that were quite her own. Very good women
are rarely witty, but they often have a happy faculty of seeing the
funny side of things. Wit wounds, but humour disarms.
Giuliana saw, too, that Maria did not like to be alone, even with
Leone. The truth was that she slept little and was very nervous.
Something had come back from the past to haunt her; often a
nameless horror came near her, not at night only, for it was not
the fear of an overwrought imagination, but in broad daylight too,
when she was alone and chanced to be doing nothing. It was the more
dreadful because she could not define it; she could not say that
it was caused by the question Castiglione had asked her, and which
she had promised to answer, but when she thought of that her mind
refused to be reasonable, and the horror came upon her, and she
felt that utter ruin was close at hand, lying in wait for her. She
remembered the sensation well in the old days; she had sometimes
fancied then that she was going mad, and had made great efforts to
control herself, but she had never thought of asking a doctor what
it was, for she had believed, and believed now, that it was a state
of mind rather than the mere effect of anxiety and mental fatigue
on her body. So she suffered much, and quite uselessly; but that
was a small matter compared with the fact that she had promised
Castiglione an answer before his fortnight’s leave was over, and
that after several days she was no nearer to finding one than when
he had left her.
Again and again she thought of telling Giuliana all her trouble
and asking her advice, but she was always deterred by an inward
conviction that her friend would not understand. She was mistaken
in this, but she could not believe that she was. Giuliana knew
something, of course; all Rome believed Teresa Crescenzi’s story,
of which the starting-point was that she had loved Baldassare del
Castiglione innocently, and it was Giuliana who had repeated the
tale to her. Maria had shaken her head, and had answered that there
was not much truth in it, but that people might as well believe it
as invent any other story, since she would never tell any one, not
even Giuliana, exactly what had happened.
‘It does not concern me only,’ she had said gravely.
Giuliana had asked no questions, and Maria had been sure that there
would never be any need of referring to her secret again.
But now the past had come back to ask a question which she could
not answer. She had been in earnest when she had told Baldassare
proudly that she did not mean to go to a priest for advice. He
disliked all priests out of prejudice, as she knew. There might
be good and bad soldiers, lawyers, writers, artists, or workmen,
but in his estimation there could be very few good priests. Yet
it was not to please him that she had said she would not go to
her confessor; it was simply because she was quite sure that she
could trust her own conscience and her own sense of honour to show
her the right way; and perhaps she might have trusted both if her
nerves had not failed her at the critical moment and left her
apparently helpless. She was in great need of help and advice, and
did not know where to go for either.
Meanwhile she had not met Castiglione again. The season was over,
and even at its height she did not go out much. Society is always
dull when one has no object in joining in its inane revels—love,
ambition, stupid vanity, or a daughter to marry—unless, indeed,
one possesses the temperament of a butterfly combined with the
intelligence of an oyster. So it had been quite natural that Maria
should not have met Castiglione during those days, and she had not
chanced to meet him in the street. On his side, he had kept away
from the part of the city in which she lived, but he had gone to
every friend’s house and public place where he thought there was a
possibility of meeting her.
After a week they met by what seemed an accident to them both.
Maria was almost ill, and could no longer bear her trouble without
some help. There was in Rome a good priest of her own class—a
man in ten thousand, a man of heart, a man of courage, a man of
the highest honour and of the purest life. If she had not always
disliked the idea of meeting her confessor in the world, she would
have chosen this man for hers long ago. If he had been in Rome in
the darkest months of her life she would certainly have gone to
him for advice; but he had then been working as a parish priest
in a remote and fever-stricken part of the Maremma, and it was
because his health had broken down that he had been obliged to give
up his labours and come back to Rome. He was now a Canon of Saint
Peter’s, and was employed as Secretary to the Cardinal Vicar, but
found time to occupy himself with matters nearer to his heart. His
name was Monsignor Ippolito Saracinesca; he was the second son of
Don Giovanni, the head of the great family, and he was about forty
years old.
To him Maria Montalto determined to go in her extremity. She was
not quite sure how she should tell him her story, but for the sake
of what she had said to Castiglione she would not put it in the
form of a confession. She would not need to tell so much of it but
that she could lay it before him as an imaginary case—which is a
foolish device when it is meant to hide a secret, but is useful as
a means of communicating one that is hard to tell.
Monsignor Saracinesca was generally at Saint Peter’s at about
eleven o’clock, and Maria made sure of finding him there by
telephoning to the Saracinesca palace, in which he had a small
apartment of his own. At half-past ten she left her house alone,
took a cab and drove across Rome to the Basilica. She got out at
the front and went up the steps, for she had never before been to
see any one in the Sacristy, and was not quite sure of what would
happen if she went directly to it at the back of the church.
She entered on the right-hand side, by force of habit. There is a
very heavy wadded leathern curtain there, and she had to pull it
aside for herself, which was not easy. Just as she was doing this,
and using all her strength, some one pushed the curtain up easily
from within, and she found herself face to face with Baldassare del
Castiglione, and very near him. She started violently, for she was
even more nervous than usual. He himself was so much surprised that
he drew his head back quickly; then he bent it silently and stood
aside, holding up the curtain for her to pass, as if not expecting
that she would stop to speak to him.
‘Thank you,’ she said, going in.
She tried to smile a little, just as much as one might with a word
of thanks; but the effort was so great, and her face was so pale
and disturbed, that it made a painful impression on him, and he
watched her anxiously till she had gone a few steps forward into
the church, for he was really afraid that she might faint and fall,
and perhaps hurt herself, and there was no one near the door just
then to help her.
But she walked straight enough, and he had just begun to lower the
heavy curtain, turning his head as he passed under it, when he
heard her call him sharply.
‘Balduccio!’
It was very long since she had called him familiarly by his first
name, and his heart stood still at the sound of her voice. A moment
later he was within the church, and met her as she was coming back
to the door.
‘You called me?’
‘Yes.’
They turned to the right into the north aisle, and walked slowly
forwards, side by side. There were not many people in the Basilica
at that hour, for it was a week-day, and the season of the
tourists was almost over. At some distance before them, two or
three people were kneeling before the closed gate of the Julian
Chapel. Maria and Castiglione were as much alone as if they had
been in the country, and as free to talk, for no conversation,
even in an ordinary tone, can be heard far in the great cathedral.
Nevertheless Maria did not speak.
‘You are ill,’ Castiglione said, breaking the silence at last. ‘Let
me take you to your carriage.’
‘No. I came here for a good purpose, and I cannot go home without
doing what I mean to do.’
‘I wish with all my heart that I had not come back to Rome to
disturb your peace! It is my fault that you are suffering.’
‘No. It is not your fault.’ She spoke gently. ‘It is a consequence,
that’s all. You had a right to ask me that question, and you
have a right to an answer. But I cannot find one. That is what is
troubling me.’
‘You are kind to me,’ said Castiglione. ‘Too kind,’ he added, and
she knew by his tone how much he was moved.
She turned in her walk before she answered, for they were already
near the Julian Chapel.
‘No,’ she said after a minute, and she bent her head. ‘Not too
kind—if you knew all.’
He looked quickly at her face, but she did not turn to him. His
heart beat hard and his throat felt suddenly dry.
‘Don’t misunderstand me,’ she said, still looking steadily down at
the pavement. ‘I meant, if you knew how much I wish to be just—to
myself as well as to you, Balduccio.’
‘I do not want justice,’ he answered sadly. ‘I ask for forgiveness.’
‘Yes. I know.’
She said no more, and they walked slowly on. At the little gate of
Leo the Twelfth’s Chapel she stopped, and she took hold of the bars
with both hands and looked in, leaving room for him to stand beside
her.
‘Justice,’ she cried in a low voice, ‘justice, justice! To you, to
me, to my husband! God help us all three!’
He did not understand, but he felt that a change had come over her
since he had seen her a week earlier, and that it was in his favour
rather than against him.
‘Justice!’ he repeated after her, but in a very different tone. ‘It
would have been justice if I had put a bullet through my head when
I went home that night!’
Maria’s hands left the bars of the gate and grasped Castiglione’s
arm above the elbow and shook it a little.
‘Never say that again!’ she cried in a stifled voice. ‘Promise me
that you will never think it again! Promise!’
He was amazed at her energy and earnestness, and he understood less
and less what was passing in her heart.
‘I can only promise you that I will never do it,’ he answered
gravely.
‘Yes,’ she cried in the same tone, ‘promise me that! It is what I
mean. Give me your sacred word of honour! Take oath to me before
the Cross—there—do you see?’ she pointed with one hand through
the bars to the Crucifix in the stained window, still holding him
with the other. ‘Swear solemnly that you will never kill yourself,
whatever happens!’
He could well have asked if she loved him still, and she could not
have denied it then; but he would not, for he was in earnest too.
He had not meant to trouble her life so deeply when he had come to
ask her forgiveness; far less had he dreamt that the old love had
survived all. A great wave of pure devotion to the woman he had
wronged swept him to her feet.
It was long since he had knelt in any church; but now he was
kneeling beside her as she stood, and he was looking up to the
sacred figure, and his hands were joined together.
‘You have my word and promise,’ he said in deep emotion. ‘Let the
God you trust be witness between you and me.’
He heard a soft sound, and she was kneeling beside him, close to
the bars. Then her ungloved hand, cold and trembling, went out and
rested lightly on his own for a moment.
‘Is it forgiveness?’ he asked, very low.
‘It is forgiveness,’ she said.
He pressed his forehead against his folded hands that rested upon
the bars. Then he understood that she was praying, and he rose very
quietly and drew back a step, as from something he held in great
reverence, but in which he had no part.
She did not heed him and remained kneeling a little while, a slight
and rarely graceful figure in dark grey against the rich shadows
within the chapel. If any one passed near, neither he nor she was
aware of it, and there was nothing in the attitude of either to
excite surprise in such a place, except that it is unusual to see
any one praying just there.
Maria rose at last, stood a few seconds longer before the gate, and
then turned to Baldassare. Her face had changed since he had last
seen it clearly; it was still pale and full of suffering, but there
was light in it now. She stood beside him and looked at him quietly
when she spoke.
‘I have not given you all my answer yet,’ she said. ‘I will tell
you why I came here, because I wish to be quite frank in all there
is to be between us. I told you the other day that I would not go
to my confessor for advice. At least, that is what I meant to say.
Did I?’
‘Yes. That was what you said.’
‘I shall keep my word. But I am going for help to a friend who is a
priest, because I have broken down. I thought I could trust my own
conscience and my own sense of honour; I thought I could fancy my
boy a man, and in imagination ask him what his mother should do.
But I cannot. I am very tired, and my thoughts are all confused and
blurred. Do you understand?’
‘Yes,’ said Castiglione; but in spite of himself his face betrayed
his displeasure at the thought that an ecclesiastic should come
between them.
‘I am going to see a priest whom I trust as a man,’ she went on. ‘I
am going to Monsignor Saracinesca.’
‘Don Ippolito?’ Castiglione’s brow cleared, and he almost smiled.
‘Yes. Do you know him?’
‘I know him well. You could not go to a better man.’
‘I am glad to hear you say that. I may not follow his advice, after
all, but I am sure he will help me to find myself again.’
‘Perhaps.’ Castiglione spoke thoughtfully, not doubtfully. Then
his face hardened, but not unkindly, and the manly features set
themselves in a look of brave resolution. ‘Before you go let me
say something,’ he went on, after the short pause. ‘You have given
me more to-day than I ever hoped to have from you, Maria. I will
ask nothing else, since the mere thought of seeing me often has
troubled you so much. I will leave Rome to-day, and I will not
come back—never, unless you send for me. Put all the rest out of
your mind and be yourself again, and remember only that you have
forgiven me the worst deed of my life. I can live on that till the
end. Good-bye. God bless you!’
She had been looking down, but now she raised her eyes to his, and
there were tears in them that did not overflow. He held out his
hand, but she would not take it.
‘Thank you,’ she said. ‘You are brave and kind, but I will not
have it so. I may ask you to go away when your leave is over, but
not to stay always, and after a time we shall meet again. Before
going you must come and see me. I will write you a line to-night or
to-morrow. Good-bye now, but only for to-day.’
She smiled faintly, bent her head a little, and turned from
him to cross the nave on her way to the Sacristy. He stood by
the pillar and watched her, sure that she would not look back.
She moved lightly, but not fast, over the vast pavement. When
she was opposite the Julian Chapel, which is the Chapel of the
Sacrament, she turned towards it and bent her knee, but she rose
again instantly and went on till she disappeared behind the great
pilaster of the dome, at the corner of the south transept.
Then Castiglione went slowly and thoughtfully away, happier than he
had been for a long time.
But Maria went on, and glanced at her watch, and hastened her
steps. She left the church and traversed the long marble
corridors, where all kinds of people come and go on all sorts of
business whenever the Basilica is open. In the great central hall
of the Sacristy, which is as big as an ordinary church, she asked
the first acolyte she met for Monsignor Saracinesca.
He was close at hand, in the Chapter-House. ‘Would the lady give
her revered name?’ ‘The Countess of Montalto.’ The young man in the
violet cassock bowed low. ‘Monsignor Saracinesca would certainly
see her Excellency.’ ‘Her Excellency’ thanked the young man and
stood aside to wait, out of the way of the many canons and other
ecclesiastics, and choirmen, and singing boys, and other acolytes
who were all moving hither and thither as if they were very busy
about doing nothing in a hurry. In less than half a minute Ippolito
Saracinesca joined her.
The churchman was a man of forty or near that, but was already very
grey, and thin almost to emaciation. He had the wan complexion
of those who have lived long in feverish parts of Italy, and
there were many lines of suffering in his refined features, which
seemed to be modelled in wax. In his youth he had been said to be
like his mother’s mother, and a resemblance to her portrait was
still traceable, especially in his clear brown eyes. The chief
characteristics of the man’s physical nature were an unconquerable
and devoted energy that could defy sickness and pain, and a very
markedly ascetic temperament. Spiritually, what was strongest in
him was a charity that was active, unselfish, wise and just, and
that was, above all, of that sort which inspires hope in those
whom it helps, and helps all whom it finds in need.
It was said in the precincts of the Vatican that Monsignor
Saracinesca was likely to be made a cardinal at an early age. But
the poor people in the Maremma said he was a saint who would not
long be allowed to suffer earthly ills, and whose soul was probably
already in paradise while his body was left to do good in this
world till it should wear itself out and melt away like a shadow.
Ippolito Saracinesca had known only one great temptation in his
life. Unlike most people who accomplish much in this world, he was
a good musician, and was often tempted to bestow upon a perfectly
selfish pleasure some of that precious time which he truly believed
had been given him only that he might use it for others. More
than once he had bound himself not to touch an instrument nor go
to a concert for a whole month, because he felt that the gift was
absorbing him too much.
This was the friend to whom Maria Montalto had come for advice and
help, and of whom Castiglione had said that she could not have
chosen a better man.
‘There is no one in the Chapter-House,’ he said, after the first
friendly greeting. ‘Will you come in and sit down? I was trying
to decide about the placing of another picture which we have
discovered amongst our possessions.’
He led the way and Maria followed, and sat down beside the table
on one of the big chairs which were symmetrically ranged against
the walls.
‘Please tell me how I can serve you,’ said Don Ippolito.
‘It is not easy to tell you,’ Maria answered. ‘I am in great
perplexity and I need advice—the advice of a good man—of a
friend—of some one who knows the world.’
‘Yes,’ said Monsignor Saracinesca, folding his transparent hands
and looking at one of Melozzo da Forlì’s inspired angels on the
opposite wall. ‘So far as you care to trust me as a friend and one
who knows something of the world, I will do my best. But let us
understand each other before you say anything more. This is not
in any way a confession, I suppose. You wish to ask my advice in
confidence. Is that it?’
‘Yes, yes! That is what it is!’
‘And you come to me as to a friend, rather than as to a priest?’
‘Oh, yes! Much more.’
‘And you trust me, merely as you would trust a friend, and without
the intention of putting me under a sacred obligation of silence,
by which the life and welfare of any one might hereafter be
endangered. Is that what you mean?’
‘Yes, distinctly. But that will never happen. I mean that no one’s
life could ever be in danger by your not telling. At least, I
cannot see how.’
‘Strange things happen,’ said Don Ippolito, still looking at the
angel. ‘And now that we understand each other about that, I am
ready. What is the difficulty?’
Maria rested her elbow on the corner of the big table and shaded
her eyes with her hand for a moment. It was not easy to tell such a
story as hers.
‘Do you know anything about my past life?’ she began timidly, and
glancing sideways at him.
He turned his brown eyes full to hers.
‘Yes,’ he said, without hesitation. ‘I do know something, and more
than a little.’
She was surprised, and looked at him with an expression of inquiry.
‘I have always known your husband very well,’ he said. ‘He wrote
to me for advice when there was trouble between you. I was in the
Maremma then.’
‘And it was you who advised him to leave me! Ah, I did not know!’
Maria drew back a little proudly, expecting him to admit the
imputation.
‘No,’ answered Don Ippolito. ‘I did not, but he thought it wiser
not to take the advice I gave him.’
Maria’s expression changed again.
‘Do you know who was—who—was the cause of his going away?’
‘Yes. I am afraid every one knows that. It was Baldassare del
Castiglione, and he is in Rome again.’
‘Yes,’ Maria replied, repeating his words, ‘he is in Rome again.’
He thought he had made it easy for her to say more, if she wished
to tell all, but she was silent. He had heard Montalto’s story
from beginning to end, and upon that he judged her, of course, as
she had allowed herself to be judged by her husband, without the
least suggestion of defence. After all, how could either of the
two men judge her otherwise? How could she tell now what she had
once called the truth? How near the truth was it? She would put her
question as best she could.
‘My excuse is that we loved each other very, very much,’ she said
in a low and timid voice. ‘It was long before I married,’ she
added, a little more firmly, for she was not ashamed of that. ‘But
we parted’—her voice sank to a whisper—‘we parted when it was
too late. And we have never met, nor ever written one word to each
other since.’
As she pronounced the last sentence she raised her head again, for
she knew what that separation had cost, in spite of all—in spite
of what she had called the truth.
‘That was right,’ Don Ippolito said. ‘That was your duty; but it
was brave of you both to do it.’ She felt encouraged.
‘And now he is in Rome again,’ she went on. ‘He has come on leave
for a few days. He came on purpose to ask my forgiveness, after all
these years, because there was something to forgive—at least—he
thought there was——’
She broke off, quite unable to go on.
‘You were very young,’ suggested Don Ippolito, helping her. ‘You
had no experience of the world. Such a man would have a very great
advantage over a very young woman who had been attached to him when
a girl and was unhappily married.’
But Maria had clasped her hands desperately tight together before
her on the edge of the table, and she bent down now and pressed her
forehead upon them. She spoke in broken words.
‘No, no! I know it now! It was not—not what I thought—oh, I can’t
tell you! I can’t, I can’t!’
She was breaking down, for she was worn-out and fearfully
overwrought. Then Monsignor Saracinesca spoke quietly, but in a
tone of absolute authority.
‘Tell me nothing more,’ he said. ‘This is not a confession, and I
cannot allow you to go on. Try to get control of yourself so that
you may go home quietly.’
He rose as he spoke, but she stretched her hand out across the
table to stop him.
‘No—please don’t go away! I have said I forgive him—if there is
anything to forgive—may I say that he is to come back? May I see
him sometimes? We are so sure of ourselves, he and I, after all
these years——’
Monsignor Saracinesca’s brows bent with a little severity.
‘Montalto is living,’ he said, ‘and he is a broken-hearted man.
Since you and he parted you have borne his name as honourably as
you could, you have done what was in your power to atone for your
fault by not seeing your lover. I am frank, you see. Montalto knows
how you have lived and is not unjust nor ungrateful. But for his
mother, I think a reconciliation would be possible.’
Maria started at the words, and turned even paler than before.
‘A reconciliation!’ she cried in a low and frightened voice.
‘Yes,’ answered Don Ippolito, who had resumed his seat. ‘He loves
you still. It is my firm belief that he has never bestowed a
thought on any other woman since he first wished to marry you. I
know beyond all doubt that since he left you he has led a life such
as few men of the world ever lead. No doubt he has his defects, as
a man of the world. I daresay he is not one of those men with whom
it is easy to live, and he is a melancholy and depressing person.
But so far as the rest is concerned——’
He stopped, feeling that he was perhaps defending his friend too
warmly. Maria had bent her head again, and sat with her hands lying
dejectedly on her knees.
‘You know more,’ she said sadly. ‘He has written you that he is
coming back!’
‘No. I only think it possible. But if he did, could you refuse to
live under his roof? Has he wronged you?’
‘He meant to be just! But if he should come back—oh, no, no, no!
For God’s sake, not that!’
She bent her head lower still, and spoke scarcely above a whisper.
‘Remember that he has the right, that it lies with him to forgive,
not with you. If he should do that, and should come, would you not
be glad to feel that after all you had done your best? That so far
as you could help it you had not seen your lover, nor encouraged
him, nor given him the slightest cause to think you would? You
could at least receive your husband’s forgiveness with a clear
conscience. At least you could say that you had not failed again!’
Don Ippolito waited a moment, but Maria could not speak, or had no
answer ready for him. He went on, quietly and kindly.
‘But if you allow Castiglione to come back and live here, and to
see you, even rarely, it will all be different. Think only of what
the world will say; and what the world says will be repeated to
your husband. You have broken his heart, and all but ruined his
life; remember that he loves you as much as your lover ever did;
think what he has felt, what he has suffered! And then consider,
too, that if anything has softened the bitterness of his pain, it
has been the faultless life you have led since. Before God it is
enough to do right, but before the world it is not. Men do not
accept the truth unless it is outwardly proved to them. That is a
part of the social contract by which our outward lives are bound.
Allow Castiglione to come to Rome, to be seen with you and at your
house, even now and then, and the world will have no mercy. It
will say that you are tired of your loneliness, and have taken him
back to be to you what he was. Then people will laugh at Teresa
Crescenzi’s clever story instead of believing it. You came to me as
to a friend, and as what you call a man of the world, and I give
you what I think will be the world’s view. Am I right, or not?’
There was a long pause. Then Maria tried to meet the good man’s
earnest eyes, but her own wandered to one of the angels on the wall.
‘You are right,’ she said in a low voice. ‘Yes, you are right. I
see it now.’
Her gaze was fixed upon the lovely frescoed head, with its glory
of golden hair and its look of heavenly innocence. But she did
not see it; she was thinking that if she did right she must tell
Castiglione never to come back, and that the aching, lonely life
that had seemed once more so full for a brief space was to begin
again to-morrow, and was to last until she died. And she was
thinking that her husband might come back.
Monsignor Saracinesca waited quietly after she had spoken, for
since she admitted the truth of what he urged he felt that there
was nothing more to say. After a little while Maria collected her
strength for the effort and rose from her seat, still resting one
hand on the great table.
‘Thank you,’ she said. ‘You have been very kind. All you have told
me is true. I shall try to follow your advice.’
‘I hope you will,’ answered the Churchman. ‘You will not find it so
hard as you think.’
She smiled faintly, as gentle people do sometimes when they are in
great pain and well-disposed persons tell them that suffering is
all a matter of imagination.
‘Oh, no!’ she answered. ‘I shall find it very, very hard.’
The grey-haired man sighed and smiled at her so sadly and kindly
that she felt herself drawn to him even more than before. She
was standing close to him now, and looked up trustfully to his
spiritual face and deeply thoughtful eyes.
‘I did not know I loved him so much till he came back,’ she said
simply. ‘How could I? I did not guess that I had forgiven him long
ago!’
‘Poor child! God help you!’
‘I need help.’ She was silent for a moment, and then looked down.
‘Do you write to my husband?’ she asked timidly.
‘Sometimes. I have little time for writing letters. Should you like
to send him any message?’
‘Oh, no!’ she cried in a startled tone. ‘But oh, if you write to
him, don’t urge him to come back! Don’t make him think it is his
duty. It cannot be his duty to make any one so unhappy as I should
be!’
‘I shall not give him any advice whatever unless he asks for it,’
replied Don Ippolito, ‘and if he does, I shall answer that I think
he should write to you directly, for I would rather not try to act
as his adviser. I told you that he did not take my advice the first
time.’
‘Yes—but—you have been so kind! Would you tell me what you wished
him to do then?’
The priest thought a moment.
‘I cannot tell you that,’ he said presently.
Maria looked surprised, and shrank back a little, suspecting that
he had suggested some course which might have offended or hurt her.
He understood intuitively.
‘It would be a betrayal of confidence to Montalto,’ he added, ‘to
tell you what I advised him, and what he did not do. But I still
think it would have been better for both of you if he had done it.’
Maria looked puzzled.
‘I am sorry,’ he said, in a tone from which there was no appeal,
‘but I cannot tell you.’
She looked at him a little hardly at first; then she remembered
what every one in Rome knew, that the delicate, shadow-like man
with the clear brown eyes had risked being tried for murder when he
was a young priest rather than betray a confession which had been
anything but formal. Her tired face softened as she thought of that.
‘I am sorry I asked you,’ she said. ‘I did not mean to be
inquisitive.’
‘It was natural that you should ask the question,’ he answered,
‘but it would not have been quite honourable in me to answer it.’
‘I trust you all the more because you refused me,’ she said. ‘And
now I must be going, for I have kept you a long time.’
‘Scarcely a quarter of an hour.’ He smiled as he glanced at the
hideous modern clock on the table.
She left him after thanking him and pressing his thin, kindly hand,
and she made her way back to the church, feeling a little faint.
When she was gone Monsignor Saracinesca returned to the question
of the picture which was to be hung, but for a while he could not
give it all the attention that a beautiful Hans Memling deserved.
He was thinking of what he had said to Maria, and not only of that,
but of what he had said to Baldassare del Castiglione a quarter of
an hour earlier.
For that was the coincidence which had brought the two together
that morning at the door of the church. Castiglione had taken it
into his head to see Don Ippolito on the same day; like Maria,
he had telephoned to the palace and had learned that his old
acquaintance was usually to be found in the Sacristy about eleven;
being a soldier, he had gone punctually at the hour, whereas Maria
had not arrived till fifteen or twenty minutes later, and it was
therefore almost a certainty that they should meet.
It had not been easy for Don Ippolito, taken by surprise as he
was. But Castiglione had put his case as one man of honour may to
another, and had told as much of the truth as he might without
casting the least slur on Maria’s good name. He had loved her
before her marriage, he had said; he loved her still. After she had
been married he had left her no peace, and Montalto had made him
the reason for leaving her. She had bidden him, Castiglione, to go
away and never see her again. He had so far obeyed as to stay away
several years. He had come back at last to ask her forgiveness;
he was not sure of obtaining it—he had not yet met her in the
church—but he came to Don Ippolito as a friend. His love for Maria
was great, he said, but even if she forgave him, he would never
see her again rather than be the cause of any further trouble
or anxiety to her. What did Don Ippolito think? Don Ippolito
considered the matter for a few minutes, and then said that in his
opinion any renewal of friendly intercourse between Castiglione
and the Countess would surely bring trouble and would inevitably
cause her anxiety. If Castiglione loved her in the way he believed
he did, he would think more of her welfare than of the pleasure he
would have in seeing her. If he was sure that his thoughts of her
were what he represented them to be, he could write to her, and
she might write to him if she thought fit. The prelate refused to
say more than that, but the opinion was delivered in such manly
and direct words that Castiglione was much impressed by it; and
when, in the church, he had generously offered to leave Rome at
once, because he saw in Maria’s face all the trouble and anxiety
he feared for her, he had spoken with Ippolito Saracinesca’s
honourable words still ringing in his ears. It was no wonder if
he told Maria that she could not have chosen a better man of whom
to ask help and advice; and though he knew what that advice would
be, and felt sorrowfully sure that she would try to follow it, he
almost smiled at the coincidence as he watched her cross the nave
in the direction of the Sacristy.
And now, when she came back into the Basilica, she retraced her
steps towards the tomb of Leo Twelfth. Again she stopped a moment
and almost knelt as she passed before the Julian Chapel and went on
to the north aisle; but when the small gate before which she had
knelt with Castiglione was in sight she paused in the shadow of
the pillar and leant against the marble, as if she were very tired.
Till then she had not dared to ask herself what she meant to
do, but when she saw the place where she had so lately touched
Castiglione’s hand in forgiveness of the past, the truth rushed
back upon her, as the winter’s tide turns from the ebb to storm
upon the beaten shore.
It was upon her, and she felt that it would sweep her from her
feet and drown her; and it was not the imaged truth she had taught
herself to believe those many years. She gazed at the closed
gate, and she knew why she had forgiven her lover at last. It was
because she wished to forgive herself, and she had found it easy,
shamefully easy. The hour of evil came back to her memory with
frightful vividness, and now her pale cheek burned with shame and
she pressed it hard against the icy marble; and she forced her eyes
to stay wide open, lest if she shut them for an instant, she should
see what she remembered so horribly well.
She would not go to the gate again, now; the words she had said
there had been false and untrue, the prayer she had breathed there
had been a blasphemy and nothing else. For years and years she had
lived in the mortal sin of those brief moments; unconfessing and
unpardoned of God, she had gone to Communion month after month,
telling herself that she was an innocent, suffering woman, doing
her best to atone for another’s crime; yet she had always felt
in the dark hiding-places of her heart the knowledge that it was
all untrue, that she had been less sinned against than herself
sinning, and that if she would die in the faith in which she had
been brought up, and in the hope of life hereafter, she must some
day humble herself and her pride to the earth, and ask of God and
man the pardon she had granted just now as if it were hers to give.
It was too much; it was more than she could bear. In her anger and
hatred of herself she found strength to turn from the pillar and
to go on straight and quickly to the door. Two or three soldiers
who had wandered in were just leaving the Basilica; they lifted the
heavy curtain for her and she thanked them mechanically and passed
out, holding her head high.